0:00:30 > 0:00:35This film contains strong language.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39MUSIC: "The Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn
0:00:51 > 0:00:53CHURCH BELLS CHIME
0:00:58 > 0:01:02My name is Antoni Clarke and I am a bride's best friend.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04I'm not gay.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I own "Confetti" magazine,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17but Vivien is the editor, and she's the backbone of the publication.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20She does all the day-to-day WORK, if you like.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23This will be the event of the year.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27We have to go for it as the event of the year. It's immense.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Our reputation is hanging on a thread if we fail in this.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35It's half an hour on a Saturday afternoon, three weddings.
0:01:35 > 0:01:41It's easy. All you have to do is hold up a card and say 10 or nil point.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44We're very excited. We were going to do another Bride of the Year
0:01:44 > 0:01:48but that'd just end up being given to a woman in a white dress again.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52So we thought we'd do the most original wedding as an idea.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55We're giving away a house
0:01:55 > 0:01:58to the couple with the most original wedding.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Not everyone wants to get married in a crazy way.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Not everyone wants their special day, erm... ruined by a gimmick.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07But some people do.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10THROATY RASPING
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Pitch us your vision of the most original wedding.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21We're really into dinosaurs. We're raptors, actually.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- It's a dinosaur-themed wedding? - Absolutely.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- We want it in a cave. - Thanks so much for coming in.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- So soon?- I don't want to waste your time. Next.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Hi, hello. Thank you so much for coming.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39All the guys are gonna be dressed as Elvis Presley.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42And the girls will be dressed as, you know, teddy girls.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- Do you think it's been done before? - No.- Right, next.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50Vivien, am I gonna be meeting more mental people today?
0:02:50 > 0:02:55We're going to get married following the Daffodil Route around Wales.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58It's a train route. It starts in Cardiff.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02You wanted to come and win a house. It's not gonna happen. Goodbye.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04There are three changes on the way.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I'm sure you loved it. You love a train.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11She was pretty. We could actually partner her up with somebody else.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16What we had in mind was a kind of ancient Roman wedding.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Great!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It starts with the sacrifice of a pig at the bride's house.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Fuck me!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27But maybe with some hairstyle around it and a prescription lens.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29ANTONI SIGHS Next!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31HORN HONKS Get out.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35If we were producing an updated version of "The Joy of Sex",
0:03:35 > 0:03:38you two would be perfect.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Naturists or "Joy of Sex"?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44"The Joy of Sex" are better looking,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48but the naturists, well, it's more...it's more "Confetti".
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I don't want them at all, I'd rather have the Romans.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55That's as may be. Naturists, tennis, musicals.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06'Our submission was accepted.'
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- And our submission is the musicals. - A musical wedding.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Hollywood musicals, that's what we're going for.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18The idea that we pitched is it's in the style of Busby Berkeley,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22so it's a big production number.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26We're having the bridesmaids as the chorus girls.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30You know, they have the sweeping kind of staircase of bridesmaids
0:04:30 > 0:04:35and Jen, my sister, obviously, she'll be bridesmaid-of-honour.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Won't she?- Absolutely.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40She's a dancer. She's in Bahrain with a cruise.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43She travels a lot. We don't always know where she is.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48'I work in a care home for the elderly.'
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Sam comes along sometimes.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54She helps out, she helps me. She sings for them. Lovely.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I'm slightly tone deaf, but Matt's always said
0:04:57 > 0:04:59if I wasn't tone deaf I'd have a very good voice.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- Yeah, that's true. - Erm...er...so I enjoy it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Self-confidence, that's all it is. - Yeah.- A lot of it is confidence.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- The vision for our wedding is quite simple. Tennis.- Tennis.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Yeah! Whoo! Come on, Josef!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I mean, we are gonna win. If you're listening, losers,
0:05:24 > 0:05:29- the other people, give it up. - Stop!- Stop now cos we're gonna win.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33It's not about how good our wedding is,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36it's about can we do anything to make theirs...
0:05:36 > 0:05:40That's what you do in tennis, look at someone's game and destroy it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Yeah, we have a coach. Well, I say "coach"...
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- We have a coach. - It's, er...
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Jesus. He's amazing. He's so supportive.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56My inner game's gone at the moment. He's working on that with me.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58That's what we're working on.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02- He's interested in getting inside you.- He's fantastic at it.
0:06:06 > 0:06:12# I like to ride my bicycle with you #
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- 'I'm Michael. This is Joanna.' - 'Joanna.'
0:06:15 > 0:06:18And, yeah, I've been a naturist all my life.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- LOUD SPLASH - Er... Joanna's... Oh!
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Joanna's quite new to it, really. - A beginner.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32Summerland is the oldest naturist camp in the country.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Mum and Dad lived here and they were naturists.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Well, my dad was a policeman, my mum worked as a legal secretary.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44And they do worry a bit that I'm in a cult.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51It's not a cult. It's not a cult.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- 'We are all naked, apart from clothes.'- All the time.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59When you take the clothes off, it's more obvious.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04I know for this film I'm supposed to sit so you can't see my penis,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- but I'm looking at my penis now... - It's lovely.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10..and it seems absolutely fine to me.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16The auditions we had, I was very excited about it, but I'm not now.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20'One is a potential idea, perhaps, the musical couple.'
0:07:20 > 0:07:24No, no, no. You're going back to singing out of tune again, dear.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27The tennis couple maybe could work.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30'But the girl has the most extraordinary nostrils.'
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I can't take my eyes off them. So if you put that on a front cover
0:07:34 > 0:07:38the nation won't be able to take their eyes off them.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41The third choice?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Oh, I mean, where do you want me to start?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47'They want to be on the front cover naked!'
0:07:47 > 0:07:49But I'm optimistic.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I have my wedding planners coming in soon,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Heron and Hough, and they seem absolutely dynamic.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59DOOR SQUEAKS
0:07:59 > 0:08:04Push a bit from the other side. That's it. There. All right.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Come in.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Hi. Hello. - This is my partner.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- Heron and Hough. - Your dreams are enough.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I think this is going to be the most extraordinary,
0:08:16 > 0:08:21- theatrical wedding love celebration. - A three-ring circus.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25A three-ring circus of love. We'll be right at its centre.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Don't show them that! Come away! Don't show them that!
0:08:28 > 0:08:33- This...- No! Stop it! - This is our award wall.- No!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- Erm... - You shouldn't show them that.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- I know, but...- Don't show them that one or that one.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- 'We're not clear on budget.- No.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47'But it's a very big magazine.'
0:08:47 > 0:08:51So we're safely assuming there will be some money to spend.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Just a little bit. - 'We've already started.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57'We haven't met the couples yet, but we have a load of ideas
0:08:57 > 0:08:59'that we want to spring on them.'
0:08:59 > 0:09:02'One's first instinct is often the best.'
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Black and silver sparkle. - Lovely. Good choice.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07'Cos also we're up against time.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10'We will often plan a wedding over 9, 12, 18 months,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13'and we have three months to plan three weddings.'
0:09:13 > 0:09:18- 'Which we're up for. - Mad as cheese, the pair of us.'
0:09:18 > 0:09:22What we give people is a huge part of ourselves.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- It's our wedding on the day. - We have not lost one yet.- No.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Nobody who has been married at one of ours who is not still together.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Don't serve so hard to her. - What?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- She won't get any better. - You are a man!
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- Are you in the room?!- Do it again. - What, serve so you can miss it?
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Jesus is, er...exceptionally...
0:09:49 > 0:09:52an exceptionally mediocre coach.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56My name is Jesus and I'm from Spain.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Erm... yep. That's the difficulties of my name is
0:09:59 > 0:10:01because I'm called Jesus.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I mean if anyone goes around calling themselves Jesus, frankly,
0:10:08 > 0:10:12it's a bit sad. There must be a deep well of insecurity in there.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I will hurt if they're getting married,
0:10:18 > 0:10:23because I think he is not the appropriate man for her.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28'I mean, she needs more love, she needs more smiling.'
0:10:28 > 0:10:31And she needs a little bit more of sweetness.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Back.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- And front.- No, don't stop. I think this is good.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- What's good?- I... just wait.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Are you ti-red? - No, I'm not ti-red.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Just for the...- I'm tired. - Positive.- Sorry.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Just for the opening, I was feeling something.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Take my hands. - What were you feeling?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- That this could be used. - BOTH: For the wedding?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Yeah.- Excellent. - Who's getting married?
0:11:02 > 0:11:06'He goes on about how warm they are in the Mediterranean,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08'that they're very tactile people,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11'but he doesn't touch anyone as much as he touches my fiancee.'
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I don't think...
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Oi! I'm watching.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21' "Rules of entry. Number one.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24' "You hereby confirm that you're not already married." '
0:11:24 > 0:11:29"Two. You agree to participate in pre-marriage counselling."
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Counselling.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Counselling? - Yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- I'm not doing counselling. - Josef...
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I'm not doing counselling. I've done counselling. I'm not doing it!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'm not doing it!
0:11:47 > 0:11:52Let's just concentrate on how we want these people to look.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57The tennis players, we want them to look SO glamorous.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02- We want them to win, don't we? - I quite like the musical couple.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- They're sweet. - They'll look wonderful.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06She's a little dowdy.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09She'll be fine if we dress her in a beautiful dress.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14You never know, the naturist couple on the day might be fantastic.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16No-one wants to see her muff.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18You chose them.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31# Summer breeze and blue, blue sky
0:12:31 > 0:12:34# Memories of that beautiful July... #
0:12:34 > 0:12:37'I was quite excited by the people we met.'
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Of the three couples, I wouldn't want to favour any of them.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I think they're all exciting, very much in love, I think.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50'I'm having slight problems with the tennis, Isabelle and Josef.'
0:12:51 > 0:12:54'And a woman that only wears things that she's knitted herself
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- 'is just gonna be difficult.' - Yes, and...they did smell.
0:12:59 > 0:13:06# Take me back to the time when we were so carefree and easy
0:13:06 > 0:13:08# Building castles in the sand
0:13:08 > 0:13:10# While our dreams were strolling hand in hand
0:13:10 > 0:13:12# And like the love you bring
0:13:12 > 0:13:17# You're the song I sing and everything is you #
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Well, it was... - It was a really good day.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- It was an amazing day. - There were so many things to see.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28And also from the time that Sam had her makeover...
0:13:28 > 0:13:32The fact that she was chosen to have a makeover anyway was,...
0:13:32 > 0:13:33"Oh, my God!"
0:13:33 > 0:13:39# I see tomorrow in her eyes
0:13:42 > 0:13:48# And where my future lies
0:13:49 > 0:13:55# So I don't need a crystal ball at all
0:13:55 > 0:14:02# Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes
0:14:03 > 0:14:08# And time shall hold no sad surprise
0:14:11 > 0:14:17# Nor helloes and goodbyes
0:14:18 > 0:14:25# No, I don't need a crystal ball at all
0:14:25 > 0:14:31# Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes
0:14:31 > 0:14:33# I've seen tomorrow
0:14:33 > 0:14:37# In her eyes. #
0:14:39 > 0:14:41'They just happened to pick her
0:14:41 > 0:14:44to have a makeover out of all those people?'
0:14:44 > 0:14:47So we had to have a word. A civil word.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53'And they kindly agreed to, er... to go again.'
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- WOMAN:- Oh! Doesn't she look gorgeous?
0:14:57 > 0:15:03Big round of applause for the lovely Isabelle!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10She's got herself in a picture.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14She's got herself in... Can you see her at the back?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- Hi.- Oh, hi.- Come on in.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- Lovely to see you.- You, too. Perch yourself on the couch.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Hi. Lovely to see you. In you come.- Thanks.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30OK. Well, first and foremost,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34thank you so much for coming and doing this job.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- We are so excited. - Good. I'm thrilled.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42Now to cut to the chase, several things on my mind need to be sorted.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46Firstly, I need, and this has also come from the powers above,
0:15:46 > 0:15:51I need one venue for all three weddings. For the competition.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- For all the weddings?- Yes.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Because we'd thought about Queen's Club and Roland Garros.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I love your ideas but they're not within the budget.
0:16:00 > 0:16:06So, one venue. Now a second point, and one that does concern me,
0:16:06 > 0:16:11are the naturists. I need the naked girl dressed.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- I need her in a dress. - In a dress?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- In a dress, yes. - But they're nudists.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- No, they're naturists.- All right, but they take their clothes off.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Well, I need them in a dress. - Does she know that?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- No. That's your job to tell her. - Right.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29BIRDSONG
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- Do they actually play volleyball? - We're going to find out.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- I feel a bit sick actually, Archie. - Oh, my God!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Oh, my! It's a naked man on a bike!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- It's a naked...- Yeah, all right.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Keep your eye on the road. - Did you see that?
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Yeah, I'm choosing to ignore it. - No clothes on, just riding around.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Just pull up here. Pull up here.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56Then it will be obvious, won't it, when we meet them?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- How you doing?- Hi! - Hey.- Nice to see you again.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09- Hi.- Hi. Joanna. Remember? - Hi. Archie.- Hi.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Hiya. Glad you could make it. - Sorry, I stood on your toe.- I'm OK.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17- Thanks for coming.- Yeah. Let's... - ..show you round.- Yes.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- Hi, guys. - Hi there. Hello.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28You have a game of badminton and no need to wash your kit.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31So that's a bonus.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- Do you play badminton? - No.- Right.
0:17:34 > 0:17:40You are aware that these weddings will take place in the same venue,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44on the same day, one after another, concurrently?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- In a venue? - No, I didn't know that.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50No, it isn't... Well, it is clear,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53but it isn't underlined, I don't think.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56It just says you have to approve where we do it.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00The magazine has decided that to make it easier for the judges
0:18:00 > 0:18:03it all has to be inside and on one occasion.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- What's that? - This is "Primavera" by...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Who's he? - No, it's a painting by Botticelli.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15It explores some of nature's themes.
0:18:15 > 0:18:21You've got apples, pears and things, and the elements blowing on her.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25And there's flowers and so on. And the strength of the sword.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29She's just slightly veiled and you can see the nakedness underneath.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32But that's just wacky costumes. It's just costumes.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37It's kind of theatre. It's not real. We're about nature and real.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- Oh, hi. Thanks so much.- Quite all right. Where do you want it?
0:18:41 > 0:18:46- I'll move those. Thanks. - That's quite all right.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49What are we going to do?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- They're going to want to walk in and take their clothes off, right?- Yes.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- Do you think we should allow them to?- Yes, if that's what they want.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- I think that too.- Absolutely. - They should be allowed to.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03To ask them to get married clothed
0:19:03 > 0:19:06is contrary to everything we believe in.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10They must be naked people as they get married cos that's who they are.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- Lovely. So...musical? - Musical? "The King and I".
0:19:14 > 0:19:17It's not "The King and I"!
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Why does it have to be? "The King and I" this, "The King and I" that!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23It offers so much design-wise.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26It's East meets West, fantastic opportunity for food.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31- I can get hold of elephants. - I'm thinking "Singing in the Rain"!
0:19:31 > 0:19:36I can see it. We can have the rain from Wimbledon falling over MGM.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I can just see. "On The Town". Please, "On The Town"!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- I hate "On The Town"! - How can you hate "On The Town"?!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- That woman in the cab drives me mad. - Oh, she's wonderful.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52So, folks. El maestro.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54- Sorry we're late. - This is Paul. Sam.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Nice to meet you. Hello.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Hi, again.- Hello! How are you?
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Paul has been working with us on some ideas for your wedding.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Oh, lovely. - Which we'd like to show you.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- This is nice. - So we've put some stools out.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15It's kind of like a little show. If you could take the stools.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- We're gonna show you...- Now?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20And we want to show you what we've come up with
0:20:20 > 0:20:23as potential vows for your wedding.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Shall I take my coat off? - PIANO PLAYS
0:20:27 > 0:20:34# I give you my love, always
0:20:34 > 0:20:39# To have and to hold, always
0:20:39 > 0:20:42# Our life to unfold
0:20:42 > 0:20:47# As man and wife
0:20:47 > 0:20:50# Always
0:20:50 > 0:20:53# Always
0:20:53 > 0:20:59BOTH: # I give my life to you
0:20:59 > 0:21:04# Ever more shall my heart be true
0:21:04 > 0:21:08# For the rest of our lives
0:21:08 > 0:21:15# We'll live as one
0:21:15 > 0:21:19# Always
0:21:19 > 0:21:26# Always. #
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- That is really amazing. - Exciting, isn't it?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- That's amazing. - Do you like that?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Yep, I love it. And it's a bit like ours.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Off your bottom and show us. - Ours isn't as good.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46We've just cobbled that together. We'll find some middle ground.
0:21:46 > 0:21:52BOTH TUNELESSLY: # I promise to love you
0:21:52 > 0:21:57# I promise to care for you
0:21:57 > 0:22:02# I promise to always make you laugh. #
0:22:02 > 0:22:05You're both singing in different keys.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08- Yep.- Yeah, that's... harmony.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Oh.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15We know we can't be here, but if it's there, it has to be clothed.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- I didn't hear them say that. - For me it has to be clothed.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- You want it to be? - I'm happy as a naturist with you,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27but I'm not happy being undressed in front of lots of clothed people.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30It's been your life forever and I'm new to it still.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You won't give them nightmares. You look beautiful.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- They'll laugh. Some will laugh. - They won't laugh.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40I'm not prepared to feel humiliation on our wedding day.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44It's completely their problem. I think it's your mum that does this.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Think about your mum, picture your mum. Do you wanna get dressed?
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Yes. See, there we go. It's her.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56She's so...clothed!
0:22:56 > 0:23:00# When we were young
0:23:00 > 0:23:04# You used to laugh so much
0:23:04 > 0:23:07# But now you're always buying wine
0:23:07 > 0:23:11# And wanking on about your sofa. #
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I'm like Eno on speed.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- I just kinda take the whole thing... - Speedo.
0:23:17 > 0:23:23Speedo. This is what we're like. This is what we used to be like.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- We still are, sort of.- Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30# You've made your bed
0:23:30 > 0:23:33# I hope you lie in it
0:23:33 > 0:23:37# With the girl who stole our dreams away
0:23:37 > 0:23:42# She's just like Yoko Ono Dead man walking
0:23:42 > 0:23:44# Can't you hear...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47# Can't you hear your old friend talking? #
0:23:47 > 0:23:51We can do "Wizard of Oz". "Wizard of Oz" is a musical, right?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Yeah. You mean at the wedding?- Yes.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58You've got the bass, the Cowardly Lion.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02The Tin Man on drums. Dorothy on guitar.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- The second guitar can be the, er... - BOTH: Toto.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- The little dog.- Not a bad idea.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Little monkey with the wings. - You're taking the mickey out of me.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- No, the Flaming Lips do it. - It's not a joke, it's our wedding.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20The Flaming Lips do it. Matt, I can speak to her.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24You don't need to speak to her. I'm gonna have to calm this one down
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- because she thinks you're taking the piss.- I'm not.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30She liked it until the monkey with the wings.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Was it the monkey?- It was the monkey. I saw her face and it dropped.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39We don't have to do the monkey. I could be the Wicked Witch.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- 'I'm a bit anxious.' - 'We're both anxious.'
0:24:44 > 0:24:49'Today is a big day. We've got the wedding planners coming in,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53'and hopefully they have come up with something exciting for our wedding,
0:24:53 > 0:24:58- 'because we've not heard much. - We gave them a lot of information.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- 'We hope they'll come back today... - With something concrete.'
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Sorry, we're late. - OK. Let's not waste any more time.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09- Shall we just show you? It's in our heads, we'll do it.- Go for it.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- Opening of your ceremony. - Brilliant.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Where do you want us? - If you just go over there.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- You're the congregation. - Brilliant.- We're looking that way.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24- Come on.- Let's just give them a chance. You never know.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27The parade of the ball boys.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29On they come.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Go!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Go!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Ooh!
0:25:50 > 0:25:55And then from the back come... you're gigantic balls!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02- All the way down on the tramlines. - Right.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Then you perform your vows and you're married.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10- That's the start. What do you think? - HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:26:10 > 0:26:14That's not... We need to speak to someone professional.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17You move beautifully both of you,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20but we need someone who knows what they're doing properly
0:26:20 > 0:26:25- with ball boys and ball girls. Don't we?- Yeah.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- So a choreographer. - We think the choreographer, really,
0:26:29 > 0:26:35should be the remit of the MGM wedding couple.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38We can't have a choreographer because they've got one?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Well, because their dance is key, central...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- It's central to ours. - I've worked a lot on it.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Right before you came, I was working on the moves.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- She does dancing. - I thought you'd injured yourself.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57Yeah, whatever. We need a... We asked for a...
0:26:57 > 0:27:02- The problem... - Oh, for God's sake! It's Jesus!
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Can you get rid of him? I have to explain something to you.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11We have to win this competition. No, if, but or maybe, we have to win.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16- We are in severe financial... What are you doing?- I invited him along.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Can you go away!- No. I invited him here.- I want him to go!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- I want him to stay! - I want him to go!
0:27:22 > 0:27:27- Hey, listen, speak nice to her. - No, can you go?
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- What's it like being short?- Josef, stop! You're rude all the time!
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What's the weather like down there?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36What's Spanish for "Go away, you fairy"?
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- Josef, stop it!- Say "I love you". Not this bad word.- I'm sorry?!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44- What do you have to say to her? - # Love is in the air...
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- Stop it! - # Everywhere I look around...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Josef! No! No!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- # Love is in the air... - No! No! No!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55# Every sight and every sound...
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- Now, listen. Listen, please! - Stop it! Stop it!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Please, listen. Please, now listen to me. You do not have an education
0:28:03 > 0:28:06from a boarding school in the north of England
0:28:06 > 0:28:10and be the only gay boy there and not know how to handle yourself.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14If you move again, I'm going to break your arm, understand?
0:28:14 > 0:28:18- He doesn't deserve you. - He'll be fine.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- He just needs to run it off. - Sorry.- It's fine. It's fine.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27- So from the top. - No, I think... Oh, God!- No!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# Love is in the air...
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Oh, my God! - # Love is in the air
0:28:33 > 0:28:39You stop it! And you stop it! Just stop it! This is ridiculous!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42It's just stupid! I come here for this?!
0:28:42 > 0:28:46I was appalled by that and shocked.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50It was terrifying. It was a terrifying experience.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53It's in my top ten terrifying experiences.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57It's not what we're used to, it's not the world we work in.
0:28:57 > 0:29:03But we showed them a few things and we'll come back and show them more.
0:29:03 > 0:29:09You showed them some things, you stood up for me and yourself.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13It was amazing. It was wonderful, Archie.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17It was really wonderful. You do know that. I'm so proud of you.
0:29:17 > 0:29:22- Come on, let's go. We'll see you later. Bye.- Bye.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24People don't like me, do they?
0:29:24 > 0:29:27- Josef, people like you.- Who?
0:29:27 > 0:29:29- I like you.- You don't count.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33- Why not?- You do, but not in people who like me.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35- Why not? - Because you obviously like me.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39- Do you like me? - Josef, I...- I don't like me.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43- Maybe that's the real problem. - Thank you, Dr Freud.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Well, I'm just saying. I have more experience, I went to counselling.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51- I'm not going to counselling. - I'm saying if you had stayed longer,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54maybe we could have answered these questions.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59We're gonna get you in a positive space right now.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02I don't feel that you are. Know what we've got?
0:30:05 > 0:30:10You wanna hold that for a while? Hold it. Huh? That's what we've got.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13- And we've got... - I won this ten years ago.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17Hold this. Come on, hold it.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Look at me. Ugh! Come on, Josef, give me the...
0:30:21 > 0:30:24- That's it! - HE SIGHS
0:30:27 > 0:30:30- Hello. - Nice to see you. You all right?
0:30:30 > 0:30:34- Hello, Sam. - Hi. This is Jen, my sister.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.- Hi.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40If you two lovebirds would like to flutter down with me.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44- Do you want to come as well? - Yeah, Jen's coming as well.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49Jen's really interested. Jen's a professional choreographer.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53And she'd like... She's gonna be choreographing the show.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- Oh.- I've got loads of ideas.
0:30:56 > 0:31:00I've done loads. I've been a dancer for 12 years, I've loads of ideas.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04We're sorry about the other lady, but Jen really wants to do it.
0:31:04 > 0:31:09We have the best dance choreographer in the country, you do realise that?
0:31:09 > 0:31:13We were just explaining that I'm actually a professional dancer.
0:31:13 > 0:31:19- Oh, really? - And we've come up with some ideas.
0:31:19 > 0:31:25What we're thinking is we've kind of got it wrapped up, really.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28I can show you what we've got.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31I'm not quite sure what the ideas are. I'm a bit new to this.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34- Well, shall I...? - Can you explain what it is?
0:31:34 > 0:31:40I don't know that it is all wrapped up. The theme that we've gone after
0:31:40 > 0:31:44- is '30s and '40s musicals, right? - Right. Fred Astaire.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Exactly. Yeah.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50- Who's the water woman? - Sort of like Esther Williams.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53- Yes. With hundreds of girls... - Exactly.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55A smaller version of that.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59- It's like...- Jen?!
0:31:59 > 0:32:02- I might as well hop up. - Jen's worked some moves out.
0:32:02 > 0:32:07You've got two rows of girls. In Busby Berkeley they're in tinfoil.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09And then, out! And the next girl, out!
0:32:09 > 0:32:14And on the other side, all at the same time, out! Next girl, out!
0:32:14 > 0:32:19- Next girl, out.- Jen? - And then Matt and Sam can sink down.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21And you know the dream ballet in "Oklahoma"?
0:32:21 > 0:32:25Dream Laurey comes out, me, same costume, wig, so I'm Sam.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29- Jen?- It just gives you an idea.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32We do stuff like it on the ships all the time, you know.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36- What do you think? - If you'd like to do it, that's fine.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38You don't need me.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40What did you think about the dream ballet?
0:32:40 > 0:32:45Cos Sam, with her physical dyslexia, she's gonna be all nervous.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- What?- Sorry?
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- Sam's got physical dyslexia. - What's that?
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Well, she's like...clumsy.
0:32:53 > 0:32:58- Clumsy? You mean she can't dance? - No, she can dance.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00We danced as kids.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- We did competitions. - I think it's great we've got Jen.
0:33:03 > 0:33:09I'm sure she can play a strong role in this, but we're got Jenny here,
0:33:09 > 0:33:13who is an expert in choreography as opposed to a dancer,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16and we should be using her like we said.
0:33:16 > 0:33:20- You weren't there, Chris. - She's done the cruises for years.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- Exactly, cruise ships. - She works out all the dances.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- Right.- Who's a professional dancer? She is.
0:33:25 > 0:33:28And this choreographer's not a professional?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31All she wants to do is help her sister.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- Nothing wrong with that.- No, but this isn't an ordinary wedding.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37This is a competition. We've got to abide by the rules.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41- It's still her wedding day. - It's mine as well.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- Most important day of her life. - Mine as well.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47- I'll be your sister-in-law. Have you thought about that?- Every night.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51I know you're stressed and I know you're getting up really...
0:33:51 > 0:33:56I know you're working hard and I'm totally...amazed...
0:33:56 > 0:34:00- I'm getting married in a competition. - But you're being so lovely.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04You're being so lovely and you're putting your heart and soul into it.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08- Yeah, for you. - And I know that, but they don't.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11They should know it. Why don't they know it?
0:34:11 > 0:34:16- Cos they've not met...- Not met me? I've lived here for nine months!
0:34:16 > 0:34:18- They will see it.- Christ!
0:34:18 > 0:34:23All I'm saying is that you need to go and just do a bit of diplomacy.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27- I will.- I love you and I'm completely with you.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32And I'm totally day by day
0:34:32 > 0:34:36just amazed at how wonderful you are.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41And I'm so pleased to be marrying you.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44HE SIGHS
0:34:52 > 0:34:56I come down the aisle, you're waiting at the altar for me
0:34:56 > 0:35:00with Snoopy doing the sway, whatever.
0:35:00 > 0:35:05I come shuffling down the aisle or whatever, in time, hopefully,
0:35:05 > 0:35:08and then meet you at the altar.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12The other question that I am worried about is who's gonna take me down?
0:35:12 > 0:35:15What about your dad?
0:35:15 > 0:35:21I don't... I'm not sure if he's gonna be there to be honest.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24- At the moment it doesn't look like it.- Why?
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Because I haven't invited him, Mum hasn't, you haven't invited him.
0:35:28 > 0:35:35I'd like him to be there, but I'm not in a position to...
0:35:35 > 0:35:37- To invite your dad to your wedding? - I...
0:35:37 > 0:35:44I'm not in a position to...
0:35:44 > 0:35:49I'm not in a position to... to do that.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54You do want him there, don't you?
0:35:56 > 0:36:00Him being there's more important than anything else we're talking about.
0:36:00 > 0:36:05Or your family being there is more important than getting a song right.
0:36:05 > 0:36:11I think your mum's gonna have to lump it for four hours of her life.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13PIANO PLAYS
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Feel this bit. That's it. Out.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30And run to each other and round.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32And turn out.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34And back. Hold his face.
0:36:34 > 0:36:38- LAUGHTER - Should I hold him like that.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Where's Snoopy's bit?
0:36:41 > 0:36:46You haven't done any of the music. It can't be this surely, you know.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50Cos we've got a thing. La, la. Not that, it's bigger.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54# Nomothetic relationship
0:36:54 > 0:36:57# It makes me sick So very sick
0:36:57 > 0:37:01# Your shining eyes like twisted wire
0:37:01 > 0:37:06# On the cover of a dirty magazine
0:37:06 > 0:37:09# Mouth full of razor blades
0:37:09 > 0:37:12# Tongue just like shining steel
0:37:12 > 0:37:15# You're making me ill
0:37:16 > 0:37:20# On the cover of a dirty magazine... #
0:37:26 > 0:37:29- Can you believe this?! - I can do the twiddly bit.
0:37:31 > 0:37:37- That's not good, but... - I thought that could be the big...
0:37:37 > 0:37:41- It's just not... - It's called "Steel Ill"
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Still ill, steel ill.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46But what's it gotta do with the wedding?
0:37:46 > 0:37:49- It's shiny. - Is that what you think I am,
0:37:49 > 0:37:53a girl on the cover of a porno magazine with a steel tongue?
0:37:53 > 0:37:57- No, I'm not saying that. - That it's nomothetic.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Nomothetic relationship, it makes me sick.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03- So, our relationship makes you sick? - No!
0:38:03 > 0:38:07If you wanna sing that at our wedding, that's what it sounds like.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11I'm saying everyone else's relationship is nomothetic.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14- This is... - There is no nomothetic.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16What does pedantic mean?
0:38:16 > 0:38:19- That's the whole... - That's an interesting question,
0:38:19 > 0:38:22- but now isn't the time to work it out.- Listen to this.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24# You're dragging me down
0:38:24 > 0:38:26# You're making me frown
0:38:26 > 0:38:30# Saw you crying in your sleep
0:38:30 > 0:38:34# Please don't cry
0:38:34 > 0:38:38# What does pedantic mean? #
0:38:38 > 0:38:40- We're gonna have... - You can do the lyrics.
0:38:40 > 0:38:45Snoopy has a vital part to play in this wedding, no doubt.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49He is Matt's best friend and he's talented and he will be there,
0:38:49 > 0:38:54but this is their dream wedding and I'm prepared to kill or maim
0:38:54 > 0:38:56for them to have that wedding, understand?
0:39:00 > 0:39:04- Out you come, my honey. - Here it goes. Bless.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06She's looking a bit ragged.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10- The squirrels have fallen. - There. Which way around?
0:39:10 > 0:39:12We're all moving around. It's like Dunsinane, isn't it?
0:39:12 > 0:39:17- Right. - That's "Midsummer Night's Dream"?
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Yes, fairies, "Midsummer Night's Dream".
0:39:20 > 0:39:22- They would arrive... - Where's the couple?
0:39:22 > 0:39:24- There we are.- They're hiding.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28- They're not going to be naked. - This is our problem.
0:39:28 > 0:39:33- It's tricky convincing them... - We need this for the front cover.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37- We can't have nude people. - They're fine nude.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40They won't be on the cover cos they won't win. I think we all know that.
0:39:40 > 0:39:46- They may do.- They may not. - Don't write them off just cos they've got no clothes on.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50What about having a little bush, if you'll pardon the language,
0:39:50 > 0:39:53a bush area that covers the...
0:39:53 > 0:39:57A bush area?! How elegant is that going to be on the cover?
0:39:57 > 0:40:01If the topiary is done properly, I think it could be rather lovely.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04- BOTH:- Well... - I gave you an agenda.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06The agenda is no nudes.
0:40:12 > 0:40:17To begin with, the dance is very formal.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24Then...more country.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27Oh! Suddenly, bright lights!
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Oh! It's a rumble of something. What's this?
0:40:30 > 0:40:35What it is is the arrival of your camper van. And inside, you...
0:40:38 > 0:40:41..are the Queen of the Fairies.
0:40:41 > 0:40:46And me, Oberon-like, King of the Fairies emerges from the camper van.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49The Green Man guides them and comforts them.
0:40:49 > 0:40:54And he is of course our Green Man/Registrar.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56And you're married.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01Well, I just think that completely sucks.
0:41:01 > 0:41:05That whole thing is rubbish. This is our wedding.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07We can't be prancing around like berks.
0:41:07 > 0:41:12We have a little problem here that I think we ought to share with you.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16That is that our brief, if you like,
0:41:16 > 0:41:20is that your naturist wedding must not be naked.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23That's come right from the top.
0:41:23 > 0:41:28I really have to apologise. I mean, I chose these people.
0:41:28 > 0:41:32And it was after lunch, they were the best of a bad lot,
0:41:32 > 0:41:35I'd had a few glasses of wine, and I think...
0:41:35 > 0:41:39- I made an error of judgement. - We just need to deal with it now.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43- We need to get them dressed. - Yes, we do. We absolutely do.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46- Michael, Joanna, lovely to see you. - Come on in.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49This gentleman is James Thursk. He's our lawyer.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53And he sorts things out. We've got some sorting-out to do today.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Yeah. Erm... Well... We've been talking, and the problem is
0:41:57 > 0:42:00that we were asked for an idea for an original wedding
0:42:00 > 0:42:04and our idea was a naturist wedding and we've found out
0:42:04 > 0:42:08that this is going to be a naturist wedding featuring no nudity.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Mr Thursk.
0:42:11 > 0:42:16You can't expect anyone to put naked people on the cover of a magazine.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20I'm talking about our wedding and us getting married.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23As naturists, we know that you can't be a bit naked.
0:42:23 > 0:42:27- You're naked or you're not.- You're not naked now, you seem comfortable.
0:42:27 > 0:42:31Is that some kind of challenge? OK.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33- I don't think... - Michael! This isn't good!
0:42:33 > 0:42:37People don't appreciate that you're either naked or you're not.
0:42:37 > 0:42:42Stop it there. Please! We're trying to have a civilised discussion.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45I'm having a civilised discussion.
0:42:45 > 0:42:49I can have a civilised discussion whether I'm dressed or not.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53- He's becoming impossible! - I'm staying here
0:42:53 > 0:42:56until you write a new contract saying we can have the wedding
0:42:56 > 0:42:59you said we could have.
0:42:59 > 0:43:02That's just not going to happen. That simply isn't going to happen.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05We cannot put out a magazine with people in it naked.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09- Sorry about that, but we cannot do it.- OK.- That is the end of it.
0:43:09 > 0:43:13Yeah, I guess it is. I guess that's the end.
0:43:19 > 0:43:23Joanna, maybe if you just wore a wedding dress.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26I'm not even sure I want to get married.
0:43:26 > 0:43:28This is not what I dreamt of.
0:43:28 > 0:43:32It's not becoming what I wanted for a wedding.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34He's sleeping in the kitchen at the moment.
0:43:34 > 0:43:39What if you dressed yourself up to allure him? You're always naked.
0:43:39 > 0:43:43Maybe you become immune to each other cos being naked all the time,
0:43:43 > 0:43:47you've got used to your bodies. There's no magic. James?
0:43:47 > 0:43:51There's something very romantic about a wedding dress.
0:43:51 > 0:43:57If I can just start by explaining why we're here, what it's all about.
0:43:57 > 0:44:02We're here today to talk about what it means to be getting married.
0:44:02 > 0:44:07There's not much to talk about. I felt that what we were going to do
0:44:07 > 0:44:10was have a naturist wedding
0:44:10 > 0:44:14and that'd involve people acting like naturists, AKA being naked.
0:44:14 > 0:44:17It's A-K-A not AKA.
0:44:17 > 0:44:21And, apparently, not everybody feels the same way,
0:44:21 > 0:44:24including the person I hoped to marry.
0:44:24 > 0:44:28I've expressed not a made-up problem but a real issue with me
0:44:28 > 0:44:32that being naked in front of non-naturists is not that easy.
0:44:32 > 0:44:34Nobody's going to laugh.
0:44:34 > 0:44:38Your body is the most eloquent expression of how beautiful you are.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41Get it into your thick head how much I respect you.
0:44:41 > 0:44:46If we can just take "thick" out, there were nice words there.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49You can always replace one.
0:44:49 > 0:44:54- Let's take "thick" out then. - Let's take "thick" out. Good. Good.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58Could you...? Are you ready to shuffle up a bit yet on the...
0:44:58 > 0:45:01settee? Well done.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04Lovely. OK.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15# I was walking along, minding my business
0:45:15 > 0:45:19# When out of an orange-coloured sky
0:45:19 > 0:45:22# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!
0:45:22 > 0:45:26# Wonderful you came by
0:45:26 > 0:45:30# I was humming a tune, drinking in sunshine
0:45:30 > 0:45:34# When out of an orange-coloured view
0:45:34 > 0:45:37# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!
0:45:37 > 0:45:41# I got a look at you
0:45:41 > 0:45:45# One look and I yelled, "Timber"
0:45:45 > 0:45:48# "Watch out for flying glass"
0:45:48 > 0:45:50# The ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out
0:45:50 > 0:45:52# I went into a spin and I started to shout
0:45:52 > 0:45:56- # "I've been hit" - This is it! This is it!
0:45:56 > 0:45:59# I was walking along, minding my business
0:45:59 > 0:46:02# And love came and hit me in the eye
0:46:02 > 0:46:07# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!
0:46:07 > 0:46:10# Out of an orange-coloured sky. #
0:46:10 > 0:46:14The wedding planners are not giving us the same service.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17They are getting a choreographer. We're not allowed a choreographer.
0:46:17 > 0:46:20- Next? - She had a makeover at the fair
0:46:20 > 0:46:23before we made a fuss and I got Isabelle to have one.
0:46:23 > 0:46:27- Yes, you did.- They're getting resources we are not.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30- Is it rigged? Is that what it's about?- Please!
0:46:30 > 0:46:33- Is it rigged? I mean... - Just tell us.- Absolutely not!
0:46:33 > 0:46:38Well, it doesn't seem like that from where we're sitting.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42I chair the panel, I've got the casting vote, it will not be fixed.
0:46:42 > 0:46:44You have the casting vote?
0:46:44 > 0:46:46Yes.
0:46:49 > 0:46:54So what do you... What are you looking for?
0:46:54 > 0:46:58Isabelle, let's have a look at your nose.
0:46:58 > 0:47:01- OK, Shall I...?- Yes, please. Can you look in the mirror?
0:47:01 > 0:47:06- I love that nose.- What I see in your nose is that the dorsum here,
0:47:06 > 0:47:10the bridge, is a little too wide and too flat. OK?
0:47:10 > 0:47:14The nose is a little bit too short and is pointing up too much.
0:47:14 > 0:47:19And when I look at you, I see inside your nostrils.
0:47:19 > 0:47:24- And I personally don't like that. - OK.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30# I've played tennis all over
0:47:32 > 0:47:36# From Florida to Bosnia-Herzegovina...
0:47:37 > 0:47:41I'll have to check if that country's called that.
0:47:41 > 0:47:45# ..But I've never met a girl as beautiful as Isabelle
0:47:46 > 0:47:50# More beautiful than Maria Sharapova
0:47:51 > 0:47:56# Felt like I was being torn apart by the hounds of hell
0:47:58 > 0:48:02# Day I fell in love with my Isabelle
0:48:04 > 0:48:08# Oh...
0:48:15 > 0:48:18# Isabelle. #
0:48:20 > 0:48:24- That's all I've got at the moment. - That's beautiful.
0:48:32 > 0:48:36Here we go. So...voila!
0:48:38 > 0:48:41That's your basic set, as it were.
0:48:41 > 0:48:46- Your wedding area.- Dark, innit? - It'll be lit. It's not this dark.
0:48:46 > 0:48:51And it's peopled with, as you described to us before,
0:48:51 > 0:48:54maybe a little panoply of people.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57- I don't know what you think. - It just looks so dark to me.
0:48:57 > 0:49:01- Will the floor be black? - I'm saying it'll be lit.
0:49:01 > 0:49:05For a wedding, you don't want black walls and a black floor.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08- No, these are star lights. - Do you?- No.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11- These are like little stars. - I don't care, that's a black floor
0:49:11 > 0:49:14and it's not right for a wedding.
0:49:14 > 0:49:20It makes it easier for you to stand out in your white or in a colour.
0:49:20 > 0:49:24- I don't like the sound of it. Carry on, but I don't like it.- Carry on.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26- I don't like the sound of it. - Matt?
0:49:26 > 0:49:30A few flowers to cheer it up. It looks like a morgue.
0:49:30 > 0:49:33Flowers don't exist in this concept. In this theme.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36Busby Berkeley was not full of flowers.
0:49:36 > 0:49:39- What are you doing? - It was about angles, geometrics,
0:49:39 > 0:49:43art deco, shapes, bodies... She's nodding, she knows.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45What are the lights for?
0:49:45 > 0:49:49With spotlights in black, we'll just see you,
0:49:49 > 0:49:52- not the people hanging around. - What's the point in having people?
0:49:52 > 0:49:56Shut the fuck up! Seriously, shut the fuck up!
0:49:56 > 0:49:59Excuse me, this is my house.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02Excuse nothing. We had this out yesterday.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05- Shut up! - I beg your pardon! Goodness me!
0:50:05 > 0:50:08- Who the hell do you think you are? - We're losing the wedding planners.
0:50:08 > 0:50:10Blimey! It's all gone pear-shaped.
0:50:10 > 0:50:14- No, you put it pear-shaped. - Your fault!
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Not mine, not Sam's, not Jen's,
0:50:17 > 0:50:20you shouted like you were on a market.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23If you want to come and see us,
0:50:23 > 0:50:26you two do, but we don't need to deal with your sister and mother,
0:50:26 > 0:50:29because it is not their wedding and we won't do it.
0:50:29 > 0:50:33Don't be so rude! Can you leave my house, please?
0:50:33 > 0:50:35It will be an absolute joy.
0:50:35 > 0:50:39This green is giving me a headache. Speaking of headaches...
0:50:39 > 0:50:43Can you stop commenting on my house? Oh, my godfathers! I've had it!
0:50:43 > 0:50:47- I've had enough. - All right. OK. Take care.
0:50:47 > 0:50:51- Thank you very much. - You need that house.
0:50:51 > 0:50:55- I don't want to talk to her again. - That makes two us.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59Thanks for coming. Have a safe journey.
0:50:59 > 0:51:03That was a complete waste of time. That's all we need.
0:51:03 > 0:51:08I was only trying to help. You might as well pack your bags now and go!
0:51:08 > 0:51:10You've really upset me this time.
0:51:10 > 0:51:15You won't apologise and repair it this time. Bugger off.
0:51:17 > 0:51:21Matt's gone! He's gone out! I don't know where.
0:51:21 > 0:51:24Could be lying on a bench somewhere.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27He's gone cos of you, cos of the way you behaved.
0:51:27 > 0:51:30Don't say you're worried about him, not after the way he behaved,
0:51:30 > 0:51:34shouting at your sister and me, shouting in front of you.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37Language like that? No!
0:51:37 > 0:51:41He's shouting because he can't stand it. And I can't stand it any more.
0:51:41 > 0:51:43Stand what any more?
0:51:43 > 0:51:47Stand me and mum trying to help? Me wanting to do the choreography?
0:51:47 > 0:51:50"I'll help out. I'll be in a dream ballet sequence."
0:51:50 > 0:51:53I was so pleased when I heard you were coming back from the cruise.
0:51:53 > 0:51:58I was so excited to see you. Then you come back and try and take over.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01It's like you don't trust that I can do it on my own.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04I've had to sit there and watch you and clap you
0:52:04 > 0:52:07with half a flamingo coming out of your head.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10"Look at Jen!" And it's my turn now!
0:52:10 > 0:52:14I want to have a chance. I want it to be me and Matt.
0:52:14 > 0:52:17Me and Matt getting married, loving each other.
0:52:17 > 0:52:22Getting married in that spotlight. Give me one day, just one chance,
0:52:22 > 0:52:24to have my day, my wedding day.
0:52:24 > 0:52:28And I want you to be there loving me and supporting me,
0:52:28 > 0:52:31not making me feel like some idiot!
0:52:34 > 0:52:36BIRDSONG
0:52:41 > 0:52:44HE SIGHS
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Hello.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49- HE WHISTLES - Morning. Are you well?
0:52:51 > 0:52:55Yeah. Cheers. Thanks a lot.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57# Marriage is for old folks
0:52:57 > 0:53:01# Old folks, not for me
0:53:03 > 0:53:06# One husband, one wife, what've you got?
0:53:06 > 0:53:09# Two people sentenced for life. #
0:53:12 > 0:53:16You're not the first person to turn up here freaking out.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19- Really? - No. You've just got to accept
0:53:19 > 0:53:22it's a stressful time. Take some time out and look after yourself
0:53:22 > 0:53:26and look after her and don't get so wound up with it all.
0:53:26 > 0:53:29You need a bit of "me" time. It's very difficult.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32There's so much pressure. Particularly with this.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35TUNELESS DISTANT SINGING
0:53:37 > 0:53:40What's that?
0:53:42 > 0:53:47Jesus Christ! What are you doing?! HE LAUGHS
0:53:47 > 0:53:51Stop it! I better go and... HE LAUGHS
0:53:51 > 0:53:55- # While I give to you... - HE LAUGHS
0:53:55 > 0:53:59# And you give to me...
0:53:59 > 0:54:04- Fly, my Romeo. Fly! - # True love...
0:54:04 > 0:54:08- Aw! He's coming down! - # True love
0:54:08 > 0:54:12- # So on and on... - Oh! Archie, look!
0:54:12 > 0:54:16- Ooh!- Lovebirds!
0:54:16 > 0:54:21- # True love... - That's beautiful!
0:54:21 > 0:54:24# True love #
0:54:24 > 0:54:28Oh, Archie!
0:54:38 > 0:54:43# Summer breeze and blue, blue sky
0:54:43 > 0:54:48# Memories of that beautiful July arriving early in the sun
0:54:48 > 0:54:51# Playing games and having fun together #
0:54:51 > 0:54:54Just put something on! Please!
0:54:54 > 0:54:57I'm not going to get dressed just because your mother's coming.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00- I'll have to go somewhere else. - It's our room.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03When I go to her house, I'll put some clothes on.
0:55:03 > 0:55:05- Tubsy, darling!- Mummy. Hello.
0:55:05 > 0:55:08- How are you, sweetheart? - Good, thank you.
0:55:08 > 0:55:12- How are you? - Fine. Where have they put you here?
0:55:12 > 0:55:15- Oh, it's quite nice. - It is nice.
0:55:15 > 0:55:19Sweetheart, you're looking thinner. Well done. That's excellent.
0:55:19 > 0:55:23Right. Well, I've had a long day, so it's lovely to be here.
0:55:23 > 0:55:26There you are, sweetie.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28- Hello, Mrs Roberts. - Oh, hello.
0:55:28 > 0:55:32Well, I suppose now I should call you Mum.
0:55:32 > 0:55:36- Erm...- Pleasant trip?
0:55:36 > 0:55:39- 'Down. And up.'- Oh, my God!
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Look at them!
0:55:43 > 0:55:48That's ridiculous. That is absolutely ridiculous.
0:55:48 > 0:55:51ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:55:54 > 0:55:59- Move over. I'm almost in these chairs here.- Are you ready, Mum?
0:56:07 > 0:56:10I don't know where Matt's coming from.
0:56:10 > 0:56:14- Is that him? Is that us? Jenny, is this us?!- Six. Seven. Eight.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17- Go!- Go!
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Lower the arm.
0:56:31 > 0:56:35- Oh, my God!- What's he doing here? - Oh, No! I don't believe it!
0:56:35 > 0:56:39How did he know about it? Who talked to him? That's what I wanna know.
0:56:39 > 0:56:43- Matt obviously knew about it. - I could have been warned.
0:56:43 > 0:56:49You all right? Don't get upset cos then it's like he's winning.
0:56:49 > 0:56:53All right, Dave? You never said.
0:56:53 > 0:56:58I wasn't sure he was coming but I'm glad he's here. Shall we get on?
0:56:58 > 0:57:02It would've been nice if you'd told me that your dad was gonna be here.
0:57:02 > 0:57:06- Sorry.- Is he gonna be dancing? - Yeah.- No.
0:57:06 > 0:57:12- Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Two. Three.- Go!
0:57:12 > 0:57:16One. Two. Three. Four.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19And run. Good. Very good. Perfect.
0:57:19 > 0:57:24Five. Six. Seven. Eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
0:57:24 > 0:57:28- I'm sorry, but... - Keep going! Keep going!
0:57:28 > 0:57:30He's too close to me.
0:57:30 > 0:57:34- Two, three, four. And up. - For God's sake, Dave!
0:57:34 > 0:57:36Do me a favour!
0:57:36 > 0:57:40- I'm trying my best. - How can anyone be so insensitive?
0:57:40 > 0:57:43- Punch me in the back of the head. - I'm not Fred Astaire.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46- Pushing me like that. - I'm not Ginger Rogers.
0:57:46 > 0:57:49You're making me lose me balance.
0:57:49 > 0:57:53There's only a little bit of room. We all have to try...
0:57:53 > 0:57:58What I'm saying is, he's standing right next to me... Bish-bash-bosh!
0:57:58 > 0:58:02- Making me wobble over.- I'm doing me best.- We've all gotta try...
0:58:02 > 0:58:06If you were a bit more sensitive to what was happening...
0:58:09 > 0:58:10And...
0:58:14 > 0:58:16- Hi, guys.- Hi.
0:58:16 > 0:58:19- What's happened?!- What do you mean? - What's happened to your face?!
0:58:19 > 0:58:23A nose job. A nose job. This is just protecting it.
0:58:23 > 0:58:25- It's next week! - How long's it on for?
0:58:25 > 0:58:29- It's gonna be fine.- Don't worry. - We're not worried about this.
0:58:29 > 0:58:33I'm only worried because I had to pay for it myself.
0:58:33 > 0:58:35Right, Cliff Richard?
0:58:35 > 0:58:38- Very possibly, yeah. - What do you mean possibly?
0:58:38 > 0:58:41He's out of the country, but if he can get back, he will.
0:58:41 > 0:58:45If not, he'll send someone else who is more like him than he is.
0:58:45 > 0:58:48- The big ball? - We've got you a big ball.
0:58:48 > 0:58:52- Where?- It's arriving on the day. - On the day?!- It's £1,000 a day!
0:58:52 > 0:58:55- How many ball boys?- Six.
0:58:55 > 0:58:57Or possibly even eight.
0:58:57 > 0:58:59Choreographer?
0:58:59 > 0:59:03We're still talking to her. We're still talking to her.
0:59:03 > 0:59:05But we've got so many things to do.
0:59:05 > 0:59:09If we can get a shape, right? We haven't got the budget
0:59:09 > 0:59:12to get a choreographer in to do the whole thing. Listen.
0:59:12 > 0:59:16If we can get a shape to it, on the day we can get her in.
0:59:16 > 0:59:19We can get her in and she can tidy it up at the end.
0:59:19 > 0:59:22But she's very busy with the other wedding.
0:59:22 > 0:59:26She is a choreographer A choreographer is used to...
0:59:26 > 0:59:30- Choreograph.- Dance pieces! - And provide ideas! Provide ideas.
0:59:30 > 0:59:33No! That's what couples do who want to get married.
0:59:33 > 0:59:37- We have given our ideas! - Where have your ideas been?
0:59:37 > 0:59:42We wanted dancer ball boys. We wanted you to arrive at a net.
0:59:42 > 0:59:46- And everything was thrown out! - No, you didn't. You never said...
0:59:46 > 0:59:51We came to you at your club and said entrance of ball boys.
0:59:51 > 0:59:55It's not our fault that you don't have enough friends to bring along
0:59:55 > 0:59:58- who can do these things for you. - Fuck you!
0:59:58 > 1:00:01- No, please, Isabelle. - We have friends!- Where are they?
1:00:01 > 1:00:05- Fuck off about the friends! It's not about friends!- Of course it is!
1:00:05 > 1:00:09- On the day, we need people... - They can't make it!
1:00:09 > 1:00:12- Her family are from Canada. - We can't afford to fly them.
1:00:12 > 1:00:16We can't afford it because we've had to spend all our money on her nose!
1:00:20 > 1:00:23Thanks very much.
1:00:25 > 1:00:30Oh, Arch, come on. Don't be silly. Come on, don't be silly.
1:00:30 > 1:00:33Oh, come on. It's not your fault.
1:00:33 > 1:00:36I just...
1:00:36 > 1:00:39Oh. Come here. Come here.
1:00:39 > 1:00:42Silly sausage.
1:00:42 > 1:00:45Silly sausage. It's not your fault. They'll come back.
1:00:45 > 1:00:47Don't be silly.
1:00:49 > 1:00:53Come on, my big bear. Don't be silly. Come on.
1:00:53 > 1:00:56Don't be silly.
1:00:59 > 1:01:02I think they're coming back.
1:01:02 > 1:01:05Don't let them see you like this. Don't let them see you.
1:01:05 > 1:01:08Why not? They think I'm a stupid poof anyway.
1:01:08 > 1:01:12Don't be stupid. I'm the poof, you're the straight man, silly.
1:01:19 > 1:01:21- I'm sorry.- It's OK.
1:01:25 > 1:01:29I just wonder how long before she gets sick of me.
1:01:31 > 1:01:34And before she, erm...
1:01:36 > 1:01:40If we don't win the competition, I've got nothing to offer her.
1:01:40 > 1:01:42I'm at the end of my tennis career and...
1:01:42 > 1:01:46- OK.- I've got no money and...
1:01:46 > 1:01:50But I don't know whether in a year's time
1:01:50 > 1:01:52she'll still wanna be married.
1:01:52 > 1:01:58You know, if I haven't provided anything good for her or...
1:01:58 > 1:02:02You know, if I'm not winning any tennis matches.
1:02:02 > 1:02:07They're under huge pressure, these people, to...
1:02:07 > 1:02:10to sort of have the perfect wedding.
1:02:10 > 1:02:15So it's natural that they should take that out on us, I suppose.
1:02:15 > 1:02:19If we didn't like it, we wouldn't be doing it, would we?
1:02:22 > 1:02:25- You're tired, aren't you?- Sorry?
1:02:25 > 1:02:29- You're just tired. Just tired. - No, I'm not tired. I'm fine.
1:02:31 > 1:02:35Tell Mr Rusedski to ring me. I won't ring again.
1:02:35 > 1:02:39The wedding's really soon and he wanted to come. OK?
1:02:39 > 1:02:43Josef Worrell. You have my number. Thank you.
1:02:55 > 1:02:58Do you like it?
1:02:58 > 1:03:00HE LAUGHS
1:03:00 > 1:03:02- Yeah.- You don't.
1:03:02 > 1:03:06I do. Why are you crying?
1:03:06 > 1:03:10- Don't cry. Don't cry. - It's good?- I like it. Don't cry.
1:03:10 > 1:03:15- It's OK, I like it.- You do? - Yeah. It's just a bit of a shock.
1:03:15 > 1:03:18- Do you wanna see it from the side? - OK.- OK.
1:03:30 > 1:03:32- You look gorgeous.- Thanks.
1:03:34 > 1:03:37- You all right?- We're tremendous. - Terribly exciting, isn't it?
1:03:40 > 1:03:44- How can that nose go on the cover? - Well, I didn't say it,
1:03:44 > 1:03:46but I implied change it for the better.
1:03:46 > 1:03:50- It wasn't for better, was it? - It's ever so subtle.
1:03:50 > 1:03:55- It's fucking out here!- It looks like it's been broke and they reset it.
1:03:55 > 1:03:57Is that the mother over there?
1:04:00 > 1:04:04- She's not gonna be naked, is she? - No.- No-one wants to see that.
1:04:04 > 1:04:09- Who's that? - That's her sister.- Sister of who?
1:04:11 > 1:04:14Are you insisting that they wear clothes?
1:04:14 > 1:04:19- I think it'd be better.- I couldn't agree more. Stop this silly stuff.
1:04:23 > 1:04:27- "Looking at the view." I've heard that one.- Mum!
1:04:27 > 1:04:32You think Jen would be that cheap to go with a stranger and have sex?
1:04:32 > 1:04:35- We were going up there talking. - This is my little girl here.
1:04:36 > 1:04:41I can assure you, sir, that nothing... Vivien? Vivien?
1:04:41 > 1:04:44So, here's to a wonderful day.
1:04:44 > 1:04:48Here's to "Confetti". ALL: Cheers!
1:05:11 > 1:05:15Oh, look, look. Somebody's set this right-handed.
1:05:17 > 1:05:20OK, but it's good. It's good.
1:05:20 > 1:05:24It's lovely. It's lovely. It's just detail. It's just detail.
1:05:24 > 1:05:28- Start getting ready now. - I'm getting ready, love.
1:05:28 > 1:05:33- What's this?- They need to come out. Go and see Marella now.
1:05:33 > 1:05:37CHATTER
1:05:37 > 1:05:39- Is everybody all right? - All right?
1:05:39 > 1:05:43You're short of numbers. A few people have disappeared.
1:05:43 > 1:05:47- They've just gone to the loo. - Please just make it a loo run.
1:05:47 > 1:05:51- You look absolutely fabulous. All of you.- So do you.
1:05:51 > 1:05:53Thank you very much.
1:05:53 > 1:05:57I can't say I hope you win, cos I don't, but good luck with it.
1:05:57 > 1:06:00- Hope it goes well. - I hope yours goes well.- Thanks.
1:06:00 > 1:06:05- No panic in the camp? - No, it's lovely.- Is it?
1:06:05 > 1:06:08- I'm really worried. - What are you talking about?
1:06:08 > 1:06:11- I don't know if I can do it. - Hey, hey. No, no, no.
1:06:11 > 1:06:14- Just cos of the singing and stuff. - Sam, it'll be fine.
1:06:14 > 1:06:17Sam, listen to me. Breathe.
1:06:17 > 1:06:20- You're singing... - I'm gonna be sick.
1:06:20 > 1:06:23- Sam, do you want me to come? - I'm gonna be sick.
1:06:23 > 1:06:26Keep her hair away from her face, if she's sick,
1:06:26 > 1:06:28otherwise you get sick on the hair.
1:06:28 > 1:06:31If it's something different that you'd like and you think
1:06:31 > 1:06:37this is something new, regardless of whether you like it or not...
1:06:37 > 1:06:40If you hate it, say, "That was original but I didn't like it."
1:06:40 > 1:06:46Just popped by to say on behalf of "Confetti" magazine,
1:06:46 > 1:06:49- the best of British. All right? - Thanks.
1:06:49 > 1:06:53And I think you've got a very, very strong chance. All right?
1:06:53 > 1:06:56- Thank you. That's very nice. - Smashing.
1:06:56 > 1:07:00Yes, if you keep your clothes on. See you later.
1:07:02 > 1:07:06What I'm about to say now is not meant as a criticism,
1:07:06 > 1:07:09but you know you're sort of painted brown,
1:07:09 > 1:07:12it's like there's a line.
1:07:12 > 1:07:15I don't know if you'd noticed it and wanted to change it.
1:07:15 > 1:07:19I know you're a perfectionist and I thought you might wanna change it.
1:07:19 > 1:07:23Because you're a perfectionist and you wanna look as good as you can.
1:07:23 > 1:07:27- I've fake-tanned it and done it... - But that looks a bit like...
1:07:27 > 1:07:29You don't get brown palms when you sunbathe.
1:07:29 > 1:07:34- You don't sunbathe like that.- No, but you look like Biffo the Bear.
1:07:34 > 1:07:37There's a brown and a white... Huh?
1:07:37 > 1:07:40We have to win. We have to win, so we will win.
1:07:40 > 1:07:43We will win. Come on, Josef.
1:07:43 > 1:07:46Come on. Do you wanna go through it?
1:07:49 > 1:07:51- What if we lose?! - We're not gonna lose.
1:07:51 > 1:07:54- Why? How do we know? - Because we're winners!
1:07:54 > 1:07:57- We're going to win this! - They'll kill us out there!
1:07:57 > 1:08:02I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say marriage is about commitment.
1:08:02 > 1:08:08We at "Confetti" are committed to pushing the envelope in weddings.
1:08:08 > 1:08:10Today is about doing new and exciting weddings,
1:08:10 > 1:08:13things that maybe you haven't seen before.
1:08:13 > 1:08:19The couples are backstage now. Do remember the work is over now,
1:08:19 > 1:08:23everything is prepared, so just relax, take a breath,
1:08:23 > 1:08:26and get ready to enjoy yourselves.
1:08:26 > 1:08:29Let's move on to our first wedding. It's taking place over here.
1:08:29 > 1:08:31You can guess what the theme is.
1:08:31 > 1:08:36Ladies and gentlemen, "Confetti" gives you Josef and Isabelle.
1:08:36 > 1:08:39WIMBLEDON THEME TUNE PLAYS
1:08:50 > 1:08:56MC: Welcome to Wimbledon on this absolutely glorious summer's day.
1:08:56 > 1:08:59There's a palpable sense of excitement here
1:08:59 > 1:09:03amongst this full house. A real buzz around Centre Court.
1:09:07 > 1:09:12This really does promise to be the most wonderful occasion.
1:09:15 > 1:09:18AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
1:09:24 > 1:09:28Oh, and here they are! Here they come!
1:09:28 > 1:09:30I say!
1:09:30 > 1:09:33# What a day this has been
1:09:33 > 1:09:35# What a rare mood I'm in
1:09:35 > 1:09:40# Why, it's almost like being in love
1:09:40 > 1:09:45- # And there's this smile on my face for the whole human race...- BANG!
1:09:45 > 1:09:50# Why, it's almost like being in love
1:09:50 > 1:09:55# And all the music of life seems to be
1:09:55 > 1:09:58# Like a bell that is ringing...
1:09:58 > 1:10:00- Who'll call?- I will.
1:10:01 > 1:10:02Heads.
1:10:02 > 1:10:06- Sorry, it's tails. - I'll serve.
1:10:06 > 1:10:11Josef Cecil Worrell has won the toss and elected to serve.
1:10:11 > 1:10:12APPLAUSE
1:10:16 > 1:10:20Quiet, please. And play.
1:10:20 > 1:10:23- I, Josef Cecil Worrell,... - # Love is in the air...
1:10:23 > 1:10:25..know of no legal reason
1:10:25 > 1:10:29- why I may not be married to Isabelle Frances Fontaine.- 15-love.
1:10:29 > 1:10:32I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, know of no legal reason
1:10:32 > 1:10:36- why I cannot be married to Josef Cecil Worrell.- 15-15.
1:10:36 > 1:10:41I, Josef Cecil Worrell, take you, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,
1:10:41 > 1:10:44- to be my lawfully wedded wife. - 30-15.
1:10:44 > 1:10:48I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, take you, Josef Cecil Worrell,
1:10:48 > 1:10:52- to be my lawful, legal husband. - 30-30. New balls, please.
1:10:56 > 1:10:58Isabelle...
1:10:59 > 1:11:02..I've never won a tournament,
1:11:02 > 1:11:06but I don't care, because I've won you.
1:11:06 > 1:11:0940-30.
1:11:09 > 1:11:15I know it's not been possible to have friends or family here today,
1:11:15 > 1:11:17but that doesn't matter
1:11:17 > 1:11:20cos you're here and that's all I'll need now and forever.
1:11:20 > 1:11:22Deuce.
1:11:22 > 1:11:26Isabelle, I can't promise I'll never be jealous again,
1:11:26 > 1:11:30but I can promise that I'll look after you and love you
1:11:30 > 1:11:33till the day I die.
1:11:33 > 1:11:36MUSIC: "Love Is In The Air" by John Paul Young
1:11:36 > 1:11:40# Love is in the air... # CHEERING
1:11:40 > 1:11:43Josef Cecil Worrell, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,
1:11:43 > 1:11:46it gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...
1:11:46 > 1:11:48THUNDER
1:11:50 > 1:11:53MC: Well, what a shame. Covers are going on.
1:11:53 > 1:11:58Looks like a passing shower, so hopefully it'll not...
1:11:58 > 1:12:00What's this? THUNDER
1:12:00 > 1:12:03Someone's standing up! It's Cliff Richard!
1:12:03 > 1:12:07Oh, my goodness! He's going to sing!
1:12:07 > 1:12:10What a privilege to be here!
1:12:10 > 1:12:17# I've got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking, living doll
1:12:17 > 1:12:23# I've got to do my best to please her just cos she's my living doll
1:12:23 > 1:12:29# I've got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul
1:12:31 > 1:12:36# I've got my one and only walking, talking, living doll! #
1:12:36 > 1:12:38CHEERING
1:12:44 > 1:12:46# Love is in the air
1:12:46 > 1:12:48CHEERING
1:12:48 > 1:12:51# ..Love is in the air... #
1:12:53 > 1:12:55MC: Game, set and match.
1:13:03 > 1:13:05# ..Love is in the air. #
1:13:05 > 1:13:08- You could try a bit harder. - I am trying!
1:13:08 > 1:13:10But this isn't what we wanted to do.
1:13:10 > 1:13:14I've had everybody telling us what to do, sticking stuff on us.
1:13:14 > 1:13:17I've got leaves in places I didn't know existed!
1:13:17 > 1:13:19How do you think I feel? They've done it to me!
1:13:19 > 1:13:22Right. Well, as if that wasn't a treat enough,
1:13:22 > 1:13:26and I think it was, we've got three weddings to get through
1:13:26 > 1:13:28and we're on to our second.
1:13:28 > 1:13:31This one's very interesting. I love it, I love the concept.
1:13:31 > 1:13:34I've not seen anything yet but I love the idea.
1:13:34 > 1:13:37Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael and Joanna.
1:13:37 > 1:13:39CHEERING
1:13:54 > 1:14:02# I lay before you all I have to offer
1:14:03 > 1:14:07# King of my heart
1:14:09 > 1:14:12# I need to know you
1:14:12 > 1:14:18# And I need to love you more
1:14:18 > 1:14:23# King of my heart
1:14:23 > 1:14:26# And you're king, and you're king
1:14:26 > 1:14:31# And you're king, and you're king
1:14:31 > 1:14:33# So I'm queen
1:14:33 > 1:14:36# And you're king in my heart
1:14:38 > 1:14:41# And it's love, and it's love
1:14:41 > 1:14:48# That I lay at your feet, at your feet
1:14:48 > 1:14:53# King of my heart
1:14:54 > 1:14:59# I love you, king of my heart
1:15:00 > 1:15:07# How I love you, king of my heart. #
1:15:20 > 1:15:22Oh, Tubsy!
1:15:22 > 1:15:27I vow to never make you cover up for shame or fear or duty.
1:15:27 > 1:15:30You'll never need to shed your clothes for me to see your beauty.
1:15:30 > 1:15:34I won't ignore our differences, but let them just connect.
1:15:34 > 1:15:37One word for that is compromise, a better one's respect.
1:15:37 > 1:15:42They drove you mad, but do not fear, for now you have a wife.
1:15:42 > 1:15:44Your husband's here, screw them, my dear,
1:15:44 > 1:15:47their wedding but our life.
1:15:47 > 1:15:51For you join the dots between the stars like a pen of heaven's manna.
1:15:51 > 1:15:55You make two houses into one, you join me up, Joanna.
1:15:55 > 1:16:00You're like an angel overhead, but with me on a cycle.
1:16:00 > 1:16:05Come live with me and be my love, my Gabriel, my Michael.
1:16:11 > 1:16:15Ladies and gentlemen, now that Michael and Joanna
1:16:15 > 1:16:21have exchanged head rings and promised themselves to each other,
1:16:21 > 1:16:26a solemn moment has come for the couple to make their marriage contract.
1:16:26 > 1:16:28Would you please all stand?
1:16:34 > 1:16:37I call upon these persons here present to witness that I,
1:16:37 > 1:16:39Michael Gabriel Collier,...
1:16:39 > 1:16:43I call upon these persons here present to witness that I,
1:16:43 > 1:16:45Michael Gabriel Collier,
1:16:45 > 1:16:49do take thee, Joanna Martha Roberts, to be my lawful wedded wife.
1:16:49 > 1:16:51I call upon these persons here present
1:16:51 > 1:16:54to witness that I, Joanna Martha Roberts,
1:16:54 > 1:16:57do take thee, Michael Gabriel Collier,
1:16:57 > 1:16:59to be my lawful wedded husband.
1:16:59 > 1:17:02It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you man and wife.
1:17:02 > 1:17:04You may kiss the bride.
1:17:08 > 1:17:10APPLAUSE
1:17:11 > 1:17:13BELL RINGS
1:17:25 > 1:17:28Whoo-hoo!
1:17:33 > 1:17:38Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Michael and Joanna.
1:17:38 > 1:17:43And I think we can all... Let's all raise our glasses to them.
1:17:43 > 1:17:47The happy couple, Michael and Joanna. What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
1:17:47 > 1:17:52Listen, everyone, we're not going to worry about the steps, the tune,
1:17:52 > 1:17:56we're just gonna have fun, OK? None of us are singers or dancers.
1:17:56 > 1:18:00- I am.- Well, sorry, yeah.- I'm nervous about forgetting that bit.
1:18:00 > 1:18:04- Do you know what? It doesn't matter. - I got it all wrong before.
1:18:04 > 1:18:08- I thought, "I'm letting you down." - Girls, this is stage fright.
1:18:08 > 1:18:11- I've seen it a thousand times. - I don't want to let you down.
1:18:11 > 1:18:14Calm. Deep breaths. This is gonna be fabulous.
1:18:14 > 1:18:18- We're gonna do a wonderful show. - For once, Jen, I think you're right.
1:18:18 > 1:18:22Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give the same warm reception
1:18:22 > 1:18:26to our final couple. It is Matt and Sam.
1:18:26 > 1:18:28- CHEERING - All right! Yeah!
1:18:29 > 1:18:32- I love you. - Love you, too. All right.
1:18:32 > 1:18:34CHEERING
1:18:36 > 1:18:38DRUM ROLL
1:18:38 > 1:18:40FANFARE
1:18:59 > 1:19:05FEMALE CHORUS: # A beautiful girl makes the world a beautiful place
1:19:07 > 1:19:14# Nothing compares to her effortless style and grace
1:19:14 > 1:19:19# Her smile lights up a room
1:19:19 > 1:19:24# Her voice is a lovely tune
1:19:24 > 1:19:28- MALE CHORUS:- # The way she walks Her hair, her eyes
1:19:28 > 1:19:32# And her fabulous face
1:19:32 > 1:19:38ALL: # Yes, a beautiful girl makes the world a beautiful place! #
1:20:17 > 1:20:19Hi, you two.
1:20:19 > 1:20:24Matthew Norris, Samantha Whiston, marriage according to
1:20:24 > 1:20:29the law of this country is the union of one man and one woman,
1:20:29 > 1:20:33voluntarily entered into, for life, to the exclusion of all others.
1:20:35 > 1:20:39Now, ladies and gentlemen, Matthew and Samantha
1:20:39 > 1:20:43are going to make their marriage vows through the medium of song.
1:20:47 > 1:20:55BOTH: # I promise to love you
1:20:55 > 1:21:03# I promise to care for you
1:21:03 > 1:21:06# I promise
1:21:06 > 1:21:13# To always make you laugh... #
1:21:18 > 1:21:24# ..I give you my love, always
1:21:24 > 1:21:29# To have and to hold
1:21:29 > 1:21:33# Always
1:21:33 > 1:21:36# Our life to unfold
1:21:36 > 1:21:43BOTH: # As man and wife
1:21:43 > 1:21:46# Always
1:21:46 > 1:21:50# Always... #
1:21:53 > 1:22:02- # ..I give you my love, always - I promise to love you
1:22:02 > 1:22:10- # To have and to hold, always - I promise to care for you
1:22:11 > 1:22:19- # Our life to unfold as man and wife - I promise to make you laugh
1:22:21 > 1:22:26IN UNISON: # Always
1:22:26 > 1:22:31# Always... #
1:22:35 > 1:22:37# ..I do
1:22:40 > 1:22:43# Me, too. #
1:22:48 > 1:22:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:22:54 > 1:22:58ORCHESTRA PLAYS: "Cheek To Cheek" by Irving Berlin
1:23:58 > 1:24:00FANFARE PLAYS
1:24:05 > 1:24:08CHURCH BELLS CHIME
1:24:15 > 1:24:18CHEERING
1:24:21 > 1:24:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:24:26 > 1:24:29Couples, thank you for sharing this day with us.
1:24:29 > 1:24:31It's been so wonderful for us.
1:24:31 > 1:24:36It's been good of you to open up your most precious day to our magazine.
1:24:36 > 1:24:38Thank you so much.
1:24:40 > 1:24:44Smile. Look like winners. They won't give us it if we look like losers.
1:24:44 > 1:24:48Right. First off, let's go through couple by couple. Couple by couple.
1:24:48 > 1:24:51The judge in the green suit seems to be a fan.
1:24:51 > 1:24:55- He was lovely, wasn't he? - He keeps saying, "Well done."
1:24:55 > 1:24:59- We want to say congratulations. - Thanks.- Good luck.- Thank you.
1:24:59 > 1:25:02- Congratulations.- Yeah.
1:25:02 > 1:25:04- Have a drink later.- Yeah.
1:25:05 > 1:25:07They are so two-faced.
1:25:07 > 1:25:11- It was innovative, wasn't it? - Well, let's all put down a score.
1:25:11 > 1:25:15- It was original enough.- Yeah. - In that you wouldn't do it again.
1:25:15 > 1:25:17- You look so beautiful- So do you.
1:25:17 > 1:25:21- Congratulations. - Great body.- Thanks so much.
1:25:21 > 1:25:24I had to tell him to stop looking at your bum.
1:25:24 > 1:25:26They know they've won.
1:25:26 > 1:25:29No, they don't. They have not necessarily won.
1:25:29 > 1:25:32We could still win. Goodness sake!
1:25:32 > 1:25:36Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.
1:25:36 > 1:25:39The judging panel have reached a verdict.
1:25:39 > 1:25:43Vivien, the editor of the magazine, has the golden envelope.
1:25:43 > 1:25:46And I think it would be churlish not to let her do the honours.
1:25:46 > 1:25:51She's done so much of the work for this. So, Vivien, over to you.
1:25:51 > 1:25:54OK. And the winner is...
1:25:54 > 1:25:57DRUM ROLL
1:26:00 > 1:26:02Yes!
1:26:03 > 1:26:04Matt and Sam!
1:26:04 > 1:26:07CHEERING Matt and Sam! Come on!
1:26:07 > 1:26:10CHEERING
1:26:10 > 1:26:12- Oh, God!- >
1:26:12 > 1:26:15Wonderful! Matt and Sam!
1:26:44 > 1:26:47Fix! It's a fix!
1:26:47 > 1:26:50- No. Well, not really the time. - It's a fix!
1:26:50 > 1:26:53Josef, it is not the time. Don't be a bad loser.
1:26:53 > 1:26:55- It's a fix! - It's not a tennis match.
1:26:55 > 1:26:58- Donkey! - It's a fair-and-square competition
1:26:58 > 1:27:01run by "Confetti" magazine. I object to that strongly.
1:27:01 > 1:27:05Let Matt and Sam have their moment. Round of applause for Matt and Sam.
1:27:05 > 1:27:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Matt and Sam.
1:27:09 > 1:27:14Now I've got the key to a half-a-million-pound house
1:27:14 > 1:27:18for Matt and Sam, our winners. Winning fair and square.
1:27:18 > 1:27:20CHEERING
1:27:26 > 1:27:29# Heaven
1:27:29 > 1:27:32# I'm in heaven
1:27:33 > 1:27:38# And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak
1:27:39 > 1:27:44# And I seem to find the happiness I seek
1:27:46 > 1:27:52# When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek
1:27:54 > 1:27:57# Heaven
1:27:57 > 1:27:59# I'm in heaven
1:28:00 > 1:28:05# And the cares that hung around me through the week
1:28:07 > 1:28:12# Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak
1:28:13 > 1:28:19# When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek... #
1:28:20 > 1:28:22GUITAR SCREECHES
1:28:27 > 1:28:31# ..Oh, I love to climb a mountain
1:28:31 > 1:28:34# And to reach the highest peak
1:28:34 > 1:28:39# But it doesn't thrill me half as much as dancing cheek to cheek. #
1:28:39 > 1:28:42CHURCH BELLS CHIME
1:28:43 > 1:28:46Since that competition, I've trusted my intuition,
1:28:46 > 1:28:48I've trusted in my dreams.
1:28:48 > 1:28:51You have an idea like that and it's that big a success
1:28:51 > 1:28:56and you think, "Just trust in yourself and go for it."
1:28:56 > 1:29:00So what I've done is taken some of the profit from that competition
1:29:00 > 1:29:02and I've invested it in music.
1:29:02 > 1:29:06Not just a couple of CDs. I've bought a record label.
1:29:06 > 1:29:08And, you know, doing some A&R.
1:29:08 > 1:29:10TRUMPET PLAYS
1:29:10 > 1:29:12BOTH: # One looks for happiness
1:29:12 > 1:29:14# One longs to find a partner
1:29:14 > 1:29:16# One knows that nowadays
1:29:16 > 1:29:18# One love will be the answer. #
1:29:18 > 1:29:23Well, please God, you know, the deeds are gonna come through soon.
1:29:23 > 1:29:27They've told us not to worry, that it's all all right, it's all OK.
1:29:27 > 1:29:32But, of course, you never believe it till you're there in your new home.
1:29:32 > 1:29:35- So we're keeping our fingers crossed.- Yeah.
1:29:35 > 1:29:37- BOTH:- # One love - CHORUS: One love
1:29:37 > 1:29:39- # And only one - And only one
1:29:39 > 1:29:41- # One love - One love... #
1:29:41 > 1:29:44I would say to anyone thinking of getting married, do it
1:29:44 > 1:29:48if you are doing it for the reason that you just love the other person.
1:29:48 > 1:29:50BOTH: # ..One love
1:29:50 > 1:29:52# While we're still living... #
1:29:52 > 1:29:55I went into a bit of a decline after the weddings.
1:29:55 > 1:29:58- Post-nuptial depression. - In bed for four weeks.
1:29:58 > 1:30:00- Hit him pretty hard.- Very hard.
1:30:00 > 1:30:02But we're over that. I'm coaching now.
1:30:02 > 1:30:05He's fantastic. Watching him with children.
1:30:05 > 1:30:08The forehand is there, there, there! Got it? Right. Go away.
1:30:08 > 1:30:11- Now we're thinking of having one. - Yeah.
1:30:11 > 1:30:13Who knows what, er...
1:30:14 > 1:30:18..nose they'll get.
1:30:18 > 1:30:20- # ..One nose - One love
1:30:20 > 1:30:22- # And only one - Only one
1:30:22 > 1:30:26- # One nose and no misgivings - One love
1:30:26 > 1:30:28- # One love - One love
1:30:28 > 1:30:30# Only one love
1:30:30 > 1:30:33- # One love - One love
1:30:33 > 1:30:35# While we're still living... #
1:30:35 > 1:30:37Mainly, we've just found out
1:30:37 > 1:30:41that the only people we need to be naked in front of is each other.
1:30:41 > 1:30:45We don't call ourselves naturists any more, we call ourselves...
1:30:45 > 1:30:47- Well, I call myself Michael. - And I'm Joanna.
1:30:47 > 1:30:51- And, yeah, that seems to work better. - Better, I think.
1:30:51 > 1:30:54- BOTH: # ...One love - One love
1:30:54 > 1:30:56- # Only one love - One love
1:30:56 > 1:30:57# One love
1:30:57 > 1:30:59# While we're still living... #
1:30:59 > 1:31:03- Erm... - Don't. You can't do this. Are you?
1:31:03 > 1:31:08- Are you really doing this? - Shh! Be quiet! This is my bit.
1:31:08 > 1:31:12Gregory Hough, erm... will you marry me?
1:31:12 > 1:31:14HE GASPS
1:31:15 > 1:31:17Is that the right hand?
1:31:17 > 1:31:20It's actually...
1:31:20 > 1:31:22- BOTH: # ..One love - One love
1:31:22 > 1:31:23- # Only one love - One love
1:31:23 > 1:31:27# One love while we're still living
1:31:27 > 1:31:29- One love. - # One love
1:31:29 > 1:31:30- Peace. - # And only one... #
1:31:30 > 1:31:33Don't stand around at other people's weddings
1:31:33 > 1:31:37crying at pretty brides and thinking, "Wouldn't it be nice if..."
1:31:37 > 1:31:42You see what you want, go and get it. So...that's what we're doing.
1:31:42 > 1:31:45- And that's what you should do. - Heron and Hough...
1:31:45 > 1:31:47BOTH: Your dreams are enough.
1:31:47 > 1:31:50- # ..And only one - Only one
1:31:50 > 1:31:54- # One love with no misgivings - One love
1:31:54 > 1:31:56- # One love - One love
1:31:56 > 1:31:59- # Only one love - One love
1:31:59 > 1:32:00# One love
1:32:00 > 1:32:02# While we're still living. #
1:32:02 > 1:32:05- You were great. - I'd say you were.
1:32:05 > 1:32:10MUSIC: "One Love" by Ian Dury And The Blockheads
1:32:28 > 1:32:30# One looks for happiness
1:32:30 > 1:32:32# One longs to find a partner
1:32:32 > 1:32:34# One knows that nowadays
1:32:34 > 1:32:37# One love will be the answer
1:32:37 > 1:32:39# One sees a crazy world
1:32:39 > 1:32:41# One needs a fresh perspective
1:32:41 > 1:32:43# One comes to realise
1:32:43 > 1:32:45# One love's a true objective
1:32:45 > 1:32:47# One seeks a perfect verb
1:32:47 > 1:32:49# One learns to tell the difference
1:32:49 > 1:32:51# One finds in consequence
1:32:51 > 1:32:53# One love is all that makes sense
1:32:53 > 1:32:55# One hopes there'll be a way
1:32:55 > 1:32:57# One peers into the distance
1:32:57 > 1:33:00# One thinks that come what may
1:33:00 > 1:33:02# One love will be the best chance
1:33:02 > 1:33:04- # One love - One love
1:33:04 > 1:33:06- # And only one - Only one
1:33:06 > 1:33:08- # One love - One love
1:33:08 > 1:33:10# To last forever
1:33:10 > 1:33:12- # One love - One love
1:33:12 > 1:33:15- # Only one love - One love
1:33:15 > 1:33:17# One love
1:33:17 > 1:33:19# It's now or never. #
1:33:19 > 1:33:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:33:22 > 1:33:24E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk