0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# ..There's a smile There's a smile
0:00:16 > 0:00:21# Behind all of the rain
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# There's a sunshine for miles and miles
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# Oh, everything, everything
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# You mean everything
0:00:34 > 0:00:39# You mean everything Everything to me
0:00:39 > 0:00:41# Everything to me
0:00:41 > 0:00:47# The colours of your garden
0:00:47 > 0:00:51# They're yellow, blue and green
0:00:52 > 0:00:58# And the sound of your sweet voice
0:00:58 > 0:01:03# It's better than all my dreams
0:01:03 > 0:01:07# Oh, everything, everything
0:01:07 > 0:01:11# You mean everything
0:01:11 > 0:01:13# You mean everything
0:01:13 > 0:01:16# Everything to me
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# Everything to me
0:01:18 > 0:01:23# You're my first thought in the morning
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# When I rise
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# Oh, when I rise
0:01:30 > 0:01:34# And you're my last thought in the evening
0:01:34 > 0:01:39# When I rest my head at night
0:01:39 > 0:01:44# Oh, now, everything, everything
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# You mean everything
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# You mean everything
0:01:49 > 0:01:53# Everything to me. #
0:01:53 > 0:01:59- 'I need help!'- I'll go.- Daddy, Daddy.- Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. Dad'll be right back.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Daddy's not leaving, honey. He's just helping your brother in the bathroom.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It's OK. Hey, look at that!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What's going on?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I'm trying to poop, but I can't.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Just relax, David. Don't work so hard.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17But my stomach hurts. I had to burp, I need to poop.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Well, sometimes if you just sit there, a fart will just work its way out.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- Who said anything about a fart? - 'Honey, The Terminix guy is finished.'
0:02:25 > 0:02:28A fart's just as good as a burp, David, sometimes even better.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34A fart, a burp or a poop... What am I talking about?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Mr Ponson, you have a problem.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Fantastic.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41'Here it comes!'
0:02:47 > 0:02:53- I gotta bring these galleys I proofed into work today.- Shouldn't your boss be proofin' those?
0:02:53 > 0:02:58Yeah, she should, but she's behind for maternity leave so I'm covering for her.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02So much for taking the job so you can work on your book.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Anyway, it would be great if you could drive me.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- Oh, sweetie, I can't. Today is Monday.- So?
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Well, alternate side is in effect, so I gotta move the car.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Into another parking spot?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23You're not going to drive me because you have to park the car on the other side of the street?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Well, you're oversimplifying it now.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31- How's that? You only use the car when you need to drive it 10 feet into a legal parking spot.- If I'm lucky.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34That doesn't make any sense!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Look, if we're not gonna use it, will you just sell it?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41I like knowing it's there. Booyah! Bam!
0:03:41 > 0:03:46- Bam!- Right. So if there's an emergency, we always have a way out of Manhattan.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Well, you laugh now, but that thing is fully equipped.
0:03:49 > 0:03:55Tobey, you've got two bottles of water in there and four PowerBars. How far is that gonna get us?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The car has special meaning to me. Can you deal with that?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Why?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Look, if you must know,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12the first time I saw you, I was in that car.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Fine.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I'll take a cab.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23HE BREAKS WIND
0:04:24 > 0:04:29- I gotta go.- All right, baby. Later.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30'Are you kiddin' me?'
0:04:30 > 0:04:34WATER TRICKLING
0:04:42 > 0:04:47- OK, so it sounds like everything's goin' good.- Yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Yeah.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58- I mean, there's still all the same old issues.- What are those? What are the same old issues?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Well, you know, like no sex.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Well, that's your issue. - I'd say that's OUR issue.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06No. I'm just not a sex maniac like you are.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08I'm not a maniac. I just like it.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Twice a day.
0:05:11 > 0:05:17What is that look supposed to mean? It's not like I like to kill baby squirrels. I like to have sex.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- Always from behind. - Now, that is a lie. That's a lie. - You know it is not, Tom!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Sometimes, I would just like to look at you.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Maybe you'd have more luck if you did something a little more romantic.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31The only way to approach you is from behind because your back's always turned to me.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35I'm reading. I just like to have a minute to myself without you pawing at me all day.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Well, forgive me if I want to touch my wife.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Here's what I think. I think, if I may say,
0:05:47 > 0:05:52we could get a lot more work done if you'd come in more than once a year.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Would you think about it?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- We'll think about it.- Yeah.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Would you?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03And, Tom...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07..listen to Rebecca and don't, don't paw at her.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10And just give her some space, OK?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And, Rebecca, think about having sex with Tom.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Possibly doggy style.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18OK?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24And I have your cell numbers, right?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Therapy always makes me so horny.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Did he actually say...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- "doggy style?" - Yeah. I knew I liked that guy.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- I gotta go.- No.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Tom, I have a rehearsal. Don't suck my face off.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Did I tell you I had a dream last night that you gave me a blow job? - Yeah. I had a dream
0:06:45 > 0:06:47that I gave you a German Shepherd.
0:06:47 > 0:06:53Unhand me. And remember, you're picking up David from school and we need milk.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I know. It's my new life - househusband.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Hey, dude. You asked for it.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Yo, Rebecca...
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Yeah, you leavin'?- You wish!
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Blow me, dickhead!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Megan Sweetlander's office. May I help you?
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Hey, it's me.- Oh, God. I'm swamped here.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- 'Oh, just hang up on them all.' - PHONES CONTINUE TO RING
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- RINGING STOPS I did it.- Oh, my God, I was kidding!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Jesus, that felt good.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Hey, do you think I'm crazy?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Not compared to other actresses, no.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52How often do you and my brother have sex?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Satisfying sex or just sex?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, say no more.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I try to, but he won't listen.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Ha ha.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03You know, we have good...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05We have good sex.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Sometimes.- 'Elaine!' - Um, I really gotta go.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Do you ever worry that Tobey'll cheat on you?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Only with his therapist. I'm hanging up...
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Er, unfortunately, we do not accept unsolicited manuscripts. Thank you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- 'You never have time for me any...' - Elaine?- Yes.
0:09:23 > 0:09:29"A curveball is the speed of the air moving fast..."
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- BABY CRIES - Hey...
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Hey, I'm just reading your article on wrist injuries in older pitchers. That's fascinating stuff.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yep. I really blew the lid off carpal tunnel syndrome.
0:09:39 > 0:09:45Well, at least you have a job. When Rebecca asked what I was doing this morning, I said, "the usual."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You think she knew that meant - breakfast, jerk off, nap, late lunch?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't have quit advertising.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55As I remember, you hated it, felt empty and hollow, worthless,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57void of meaning, purposeless, any of this ring a bell?
0:09:57 > 0:10:01It might be better than this. I'm beginning to feel like a kept boy.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Only I don't know what I'm being kept for.- Sex?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Sure, if you're up for it. Rebecca's not.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08That's weird. She slept with everyone in high school.
0:10:08 > 0:10:14And even when we do have sex, it's like she's not adventurous any more.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Cottage cheese.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19It's like she used her sexual adventurousness to lure me in,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22and it turns out she's just normal. She's just normal.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Mommy's just normal!
0:10:23 > 0:10:29- I guess you hoped it'd be more like marrying a hooker, huh?- Yeah. Except without the payment though.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Speaking of that, do you have another word for fish lover?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Hold on a second. ..Excuse me, sir.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Can we cut in front of you? We gotta get home for our nap.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39We gotta rush. We're in a rush.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Erm...aficionado?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Do you take milk?- Oh.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I do, but I like to pour it myself.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh, yeah.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04I just wanted to say, I think you're awesome, and I feel...
0:11:04 > 0:11:08incredible to be able to, you know...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10share the stage with you, Miss Pollack.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- Rebecca. What was your name again? - Jasper.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19- I had a puppy named Jasper. - That's funny, because my last name is Bernard!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- Like Saint Bernard.- Right.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Like the dog.- Right.- Yeah.
0:11:28 > 0:11:34OK. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Careful.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38My dear.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Do you have a moment?- Oh, yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I know you turned down a film to do this role, and I do appreciate that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48I do, however, feel the need to remind you that this is a play,
0:11:48 > 0:11:53not a film, and it will require some projection.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- It was just a table read. - No defences, OK?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, Jasper!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Dad, I can't reach it. Help me!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Oh, you're close.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Reach.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Hey, Mom, I wanna take home mine too.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15OK. Go ahead.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20You know you're breaking the rules.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25- What do you mean? - That stuff's not supposed to go home till the end of the year.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Well, David told me he needed, he needed it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Yeah? You also give him chocolate for dinner, right?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35What are you, the room monitor or something?
0:12:35 > 0:12:40No. It's refreshing to see someone breaking the rules. You're a rebel.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Mom, help me!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46OK. Here we go. I'll help you too, David cos your dad
0:12:46 > 0:12:48would leave you standing here all day.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- Wow, you're strong!- Thank you.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57If you tell, I'll say you did it, and they'll believe me.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Come on.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- Come back soon.- Thank you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- So how come only once a year? - Well, you don't want to dissect it too much. It's like a tune-up.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17If you go regularly, you just become one of those couples that disappears up their own assholes, you know?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22As my father used to say.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Thank you for that image while I'm eating a whole fish.
0:13:25 > 0:13:31- I don't think fish have assholes. - Boys... No more use of that word while there's food on the table.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- Yeah. They got us.- How's the play going?- It's all right.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37The director's sort of a pretentious moron.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- That's a drag.- Hi, Roberto.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Ciao, Miss Pollack.- Um...
0:13:42 > 0:13:47- (Asshole.)- And this has got to be my last carbohydrate-heavy meal for a very long time.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- Are you kidding? You look great. - How's the book?
0:13:52 > 0:13:58- I think I'm done.- Wow!- I'm gonna start sending it out to agents. - Yowsa!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- What? - I don't know what makes me think I know anything about kids.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- No, it's a terrific idea... - Oh, my God!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- That's Faith Faison. - That's Faith Faison?
0:14:07 > 0:14:11..He already wants to know when they're making it into a movie.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- She sees you.- What are you doing?
0:14:16 > 0:14:21- Sometimes, you get... - Tasting the wine. - ..something caught in your mouth.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Tobey!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Aah...
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Faith, wow!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29How are you?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Oh, my God!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I can't believe you're here! Geez! Whoa!
0:14:34 > 0:14:40Well, no, I always come here. You're not gonna find better Northern Italian food anywhere in the city.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- That's my husband.- What?
0:14:44 > 0:14:50- Oh! Well, that's my girlfriend of seven years, Elaine.- Hi.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Hi. It's nice to meet you. - Congratulations on getting married.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Oh, thank you. Are you guys gonna?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58What?
0:14:58 > 0:15:04- We're married. And it's overrated.- What?- Uh oh!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I'd better go.
0:15:07 > 0:15:12- So great to see you.- Yeah. Yeah. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16And I hope you don't mind me saying, but I love your work.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Thank you very much.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21You hate that, don't you?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Bye.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30So, who was that chick?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Who?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Tobey!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- You are the worst.- What, Faith?
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I don't know. Knew her in college.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Is she an old girlfriend?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44No.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- She's pretty.- Yeah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47You see her boyfriend?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I mean, do you have to work out every day?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Did you know, by the way, that muscle sinks faster in the pool?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55He's her husband, actually.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59Oh. Seems a little young for that, doesn't she?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03You're the only one who thinks you have to be 40 to get married.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06She probably wanted to do it before she was completely barren.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Oh! That reminds me.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13I taped the, er, documentary for you on the Serengeti.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Tobey! I said Ferlinghetti.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It was for work.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Well, hey, come on. Serengeti's cool. Right?- Yeah.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28It's great.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40See? I'm fun.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Mmm. Who knew lobster cannelloni was an aphrodisiac?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Is that what this is? - No. It's lobster Ponson.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54You pay Maria when we get home and then meet me in the bedroom.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- Like for sex?- Don't ruin it.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- Thank you so much.- Thank you.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03The kids were great.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- The kids love you. - David drew a big picture of baboon, and the little girl...
0:17:07 > 0:17:08That's great. You get home safe.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- Thank you very much. - Thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29I, er, I have to go to the bathroom.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I'm gonna get a drink.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Mmm!
0:18:26 > 0:18:28TOILET FLUSHES
0:18:34 > 0:18:36SHE CHOKES
0:18:36 > 0:18:41MUSIC: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
0:18:57 > 0:19:01What the hell? Huh?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Oh!
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Uh! Uh!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Uh! Uh!- Agh!
0:19:11 > 0:19:16It was my last night of carbs and I wanted to take advantage of it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22You know, sometimes it's those near-death experiences
0:19:22 > 0:19:26that make us wanna participate in life that much more.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I can still kinda taste the throw up.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Good.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Whoa, whoa! Oh!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43Bouncy, bouncy.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Bouncy, bouncy. Just one more thing, then we're gonna go home, OK?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Is that it?- Let me get one of those.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- This one?- No, no, no. Three down from Sports World and one to the left.
0:20:04 > 0:20:10- Uh...this one?- No, no. Your other left. Diagonal from there.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Shaved?
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Ah, good one!
0:20:14 > 0:20:20That's 3.15... Here. Candy for the baby.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Good man.- And the candy, one dollar.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30No, I don't wanna be too hard on him.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33It's just that I feel like he's not directed, and that makes him unhappy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And the more unhappy he gets, the more desperate he gets.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- And the more desperate he gets, the less I wanna have sex with him. - Oh. For Tobey,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42desperation is foreplay.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45You know, I should probably be...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47more attentive.
0:20:47 > 0:20:53- Or at least permissive.- Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you'd chosen someone different?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Like, OK, I was on the train the other day.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58This guy was sitting across from me.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03He was wearing this big, cosy Vermonty sweater.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Just seemed...
0:21:06 > 0:21:11old fashioned, like he probably had tons of kids
0:21:11 > 0:21:15who climb all over him at bedtime. They go sledding in the winter.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Pick flowers in the spring.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Kill deer in the fall.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24No. I just did not expect to want to have a baby this soon.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27A baby?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, I don't know.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33All of a sudden, it just...
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- feels right. - Honey, you're so young, you know?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- And Tobey, he's just like a teenager with a checking account.- Excuse me.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45These are from the young man over in the corner.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50He wanted you to know that you are, "like, awesome."
0:21:50 > 0:21:51Who is that?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54See ya at rehearsal.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55I'll tell ya later.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- That was kinda fun.- Yeah.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Maybe I should become a first grade teacher.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09- Who was that mother you were talking to?- Who?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Oh, that's, uh, that's Shannon's mom, you know?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17She's a divorcee, right?
0:22:17 > 0:22:23I don't think anybody's used that term since, like 1954.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- She's pretty.- I guess.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33You know, uh, you do kinda owe me.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- I owe you?- And I know you're tired.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39But I have a way where you don't have to exert any energy at all.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Do you have to wear your retainer?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48If that's one of your tapes, you can forget it.
0:22:49 > 0:22:55# Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da! Da-da! Da-da... #
0:23:03 > 0:23:07OK. Here's how it's gonna go down.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11I'm gonna close my eyes and you have to tell me everything that's happening on TV.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12No way in hell I'm gonna do that.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It's either that, or actual sex.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17You make the call.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19This is erotic for you?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- OK.- Oh. No, no, no.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28OK. There's some kind of a credit sequence happening.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Just, uh, it's very simple.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Black on white titles.- OK, Scorsese.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Save your breath for the good stuff.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Now there's some people...in the worst set design I have ever seen.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- Come on.- OK. Um, OK, no, here they go. Here they go.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Wow. Um, yeah, pants are off.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Dress is off. Penis is hard. They're starting.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52A little less like a list, please.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Oh, Jesus.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58- What?- This guy's dick is green and kind of crooked.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00It's like, twice the size of yours!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Another, um, another woman's coming in.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Yeah?- She is Chinese.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Nice.- No. No.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- Uh, Filipino.- OK.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11She's hiking up her uniform.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16And that is a terrible wax that she has. It's all irritated.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18And, what would you call that?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Um... I guess it's a piercing.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I really don't know how to describe it accurately, but whatever it is, it's flaring the lens.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35# Have a hap, hap, happy Christmas... #
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Ho, ho, ho! Cookie, sir?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41No, thank you.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# ..Let the music fill the air
0:24:45 > 0:24:47# Have a hap, hap, happy Christmas
0:24:47 > 0:24:52# You're sweet as sugar to me You're my apple pie... #
0:24:52 > 0:24:57SHOUTING
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Well, the most important thing is to remain calm.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Honey. Honey.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Calm down. Let's just start again.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Take the cable remote...
0:25:09 > 0:25:12The one that says cable. That's right. Hit the power button.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14What do you see?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17OK. Well, you probably just changed the channel on the TV.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19So get the TV remote.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Not cable, but TV...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24That's right. Hit three.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29..Nope. That's impossible.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Is the TV plugged in?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38I would like to have electronic freedom. Um...
0:25:40 > 0:25:44You must have a VCR and a cable box.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50Does your...wife have this much trouble?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Let's not go there again, shall we, Tobey?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Why is it so important for you to know about my personal life? Hmm?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Let's keep this about you.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Um...you haven't mentioned death today.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10There is a phrase that you've uttered in, um,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13yes, in every session, so far.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"I mean, we're all going to die.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"Doesn't that freak you out?"
0:26:22 > 0:26:24And you never answer me.
0:26:24 > 0:26:30Actually, it does seem to me that this whole kind of television...
0:26:30 > 0:26:36TiVo tangent thing is really an elaborate avoidance for what's really going on.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Oh.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45And what's really going on?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You tell me.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- Oh!- Come on, baby!- Oh!
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Oh, my God!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Wow.- Ah...
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Wow. That was...that was good.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Phew!
0:27:10 > 0:27:15I mean, the candles and the whole lighting design in general.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- Thank you.- That was some setup.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- Yeah.- You were like, um,
0:27:23 > 0:27:28- that guy from the Yankees. - HE CHUCKLES
0:27:28 > 0:27:32That one. That... That pitcher that they bring in at the end.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34- Mariano Rivera, the closer?- Yeah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Huh. Huh. Heh!
0:27:37 > 0:27:42He always looks so confident, like he's gonna do whatever it takes.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44You know, he almost never loses a game.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I bet he's got a really big family.
0:27:47 > 0:27:54- No.- Oh, I love those big Spanish families, you know?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58You know, they've got lots and lots of kids.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Well, they're Catholic. They're not allowed to use birth control.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04That's not what I'm talking about.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I'm talking about...
0:28:07 > 0:28:11valuing cultural reproduction.
0:28:12 > 0:28:18Well, maybe if they valued cultural reproduction a little less, we wouldn't be in the middle of a...
0:28:18 > 0:28:21population explosion that's...
0:28:21 > 0:28:23running the risk of using up all our natural resources.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I know you don't think that.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I do?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Do you believe in fate?
0:28:39 > 0:28:43I'm not talking about the fact that we're all fated to death, but...
0:28:43 > 0:28:50the fact that there are some things that are meant to happen and some things that are not meant to happen.
0:28:50 > 0:28:56- I have no idea!- You don't, do you?
0:28:58 > 0:28:59DOOR SLAMS
0:29:00 > 0:29:02PHONE RINGS
0:29:06 > 0:29:10Ponson, Ponson, Ponson, Hirsch, Jacoby & Ponson.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13What's another kind of flower you can get a woman, other than a rose?
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- What about an orchid?- 'You kidding?'
0:29:16 > 0:29:18That's even more expensive.
0:29:18 > 0:29:20Well, it must be an important occasion.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23'Just trying not to get kicked out of my house.'
0:29:23 > 0:29:27- You could go down to Central Park and pull up something for free. - 'That's not a bad idea.'
0:29:27 > 0:29:30But I'd have to wrap it myself.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Elaine is not going to kick you out of the house.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37- She mentioned fate.- Uh-oh! I'd spring for the orchid.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39What kind of porn you looking at?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Good old-fashioned man-woman, woman-horse stuff.
0:29:42 > 0:29:47- 'You're such a purist.'- I am. I thought you were supposed to become less horny when you turned 40.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49- What?- 'You can't give a woman berries, can you?'
0:29:49 > 0:29:54- Oh, I've taken a wrong turn somewhere.- Ooh, I've gotta go! I think I found the flowers I want.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Hi, oh!
0:29:56 > 0:29:58- Hello? - 'What kinda sale we talkin' about?'
0:29:59 > 0:30:02HORSE NEIGHS
0:30:02 > 0:30:04How did I get in here?
0:30:04 > 0:30:08- I'm gonna throw it to you next... Good throw.- Me! Me!- Mr Ponson!
0:30:08 > 0:30:12Mr Ponson, throw it to me!
0:30:12 > 0:30:15Hold on. I'm gonna throw one to Liam.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20- That was like fishing.- Hey.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23- It's the rebel without a cause.- Hey.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28- Sorry, Mr Ponson.- Nice catch.- Hi.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Uh, listen. The kids and I, we're going up to Serendipity to...
0:30:32 > 0:30:35celebrate the anniversary of their father leaving us.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38- Hi, Mommy.- Hi, honey.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Do you guys wanna come along?
0:30:43 > 0:30:46- Wait. So you wrote that?- Uh huh.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48- I love that commercial.- Oh...
0:30:48 > 0:30:53"Got milk?" God, it just cuts through all the bullshit. It's...
0:30:53 > 0:30:55It's inspired.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Well, I wouldn't say it's inspired. It's just simple.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02So what did you do, like take time off to write a book, or something?
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Uh, no. Not exactly. I've thought about that, but...
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Oh, you should. You'd be great. Really.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12I have a sense about these things. Here...
0:31:15 > 0:31:16Yep.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Author.
0:31:19 > 0:31:20Definitely.
0:31:21 > 0:31:26- You see that, there?- Yeah, I do.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30"Surrounded by friends, she was happy and snug.
0:31:30 > 0:31:33"She smiled to herself and said, 'Maybe life in the big city
0:31:33 > 0:31:39"'isn't that bad after all.' The end."
0:31:40 > 0:31:41Wow.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47It would be crazy not to publish this immediately.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49It's very timely.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53It's about a little girl battling a dragon.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Right, but with women's lib and all.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58You see my point.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Oh, my God! I hope they like it!
0:32:03 > 0:32:05They're gonna love it.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09There's one thing.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Oh, Tobey, come on. The book is finished.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Please, I can't make any more changes.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Hey, it's not about the content of the book, OK?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21It's about the presentation.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24- OK.- OK?
0:32:24 > 0:32:26This picture?
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Just seems so goody good.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36Well, it is a children's book.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40Right. I know that. But the people who publish it aren't children.
0:32:40 > 0:32:46This is, you know, just it's just slightly annoying, you know?
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Show some cleavage.
0:32:48 > 0:32:52You actually think I should show cleavage?
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Mmm. Yes, I...
0:32:58 > 0:33:00That's what I'm talkin' about.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- Are you crazy? - What? Kids, they love the beach.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06And this shows them that you're fun.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Don't underestimate that.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Wait a second.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19You don't think it's a little...
0:33:19 > 0:33:21too much?
0:33:21 > 0:33:24I wanna pay attention to that girl.
0:33:27 > 0:33:32Standing at three foot seven, weighing in at 47 pounds of strapping lefty, digs in.
0:33:34 > 0:33:35Got a hold of that!
0:33:35 > 0:33:37- That's a home run!- Yep.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Touch 'em all.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Hello! What's goin' on?
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Just a little thing that we like to call spoonball.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Oh. OK. Well, Mommy's home.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51Spoonball is over before someone gets hurt.
0:33:51 > 0:33:52Aw, come on, Mom.
0:33:52 > 0:33:56Yeah, come on, Mom. It's the bottom of the ninth!
0:33:56 > 0:34:00We should be having boy time because my dad made me have girl time.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01What do you mean, honey?
0:34:01 > 0:34:07- Dad made me have a play date with Shannon from my class.- Really?
0:34:07 > 0:34:13- Nobody made you do anything, David. They invited us to Serendipity. - Oh, really? They?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Come on, Dad. Pitch it!
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Yep. OK.
0:34:20 > 0:34:21Ow! Oh!
0:34:21 > 0:34:22Ahh...
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Oh, my... Tom!
0:34:24 > 0:34:26- Goddamn it!- Let me see.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Dude, you only get one.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36This is a complicated one. I gotta get the wording right. Got it.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40THEY CHEER I gotta hit the head.
0:34:44 > 0:34:49- So?- Please don't ask her anything inappropriate in front of me. - I can ask her whatever I want.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52For such a closed-off person, it's like you have no boundaries.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56It's better than living surrounded by the Great Wall of China.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58What does that mean?
0:34:58 > 0:35:00- You know what that means?- Mm hmm.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02It means you're closed off.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Like a Chinese person?
0:35:04 > 0:35:09No. It means you like to talk, but about nothing important so whenever your emotion or resentment
0:35:09 > 0:35:11or dark stuff builds up, you throw a spoon at me.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- I didn't throw the spoon. David threw the spoon.- Shut up.
0:35:14 > 0:35:18We only have a minute before he gets back from the bathroom.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22So, um, anything come up?
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Did he say anything at all?
0:35:24 > 0:35:26- No. He's been really busy. - Busy? Tobey, busy?
0:35:26 > 0:35:32- Stay out of it.- It's fine! It's just our lifestyle these days.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I mean, it's not just our lifestyle.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37It's our whole society's lifestyle, you know?
0:35:37 > 0:35:41I mean, there are a lot of people who are tethered
0:35:41 > 0:35:46by an old fashioned sense of love and, er, family...
0:35:46 > 0:35:50and sometimes I look at them and I wonder
0:35:50 > 0:35:54if living such a simple life can actually be completely gratifying,
0:35:54 > 0:36:00and if they understand how rich and fertile
0:36:00 > 0:36:03living in the grey area is.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06I mean, it's all really about being happy.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07- Right?- Honey.- No.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Do I wish that there was a little bit more romance?
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Yes. Of course I do. But it's an ebb, a flow.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17It's shifting, and I'm on that journey.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20- What'd I miss? - That's all there is to it.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31Honey. Looks like I finally digested that corn.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33TOM SPLUTTERS
0:36:36 > 0:36:38What?
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- How much further? - Just one more block.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Come on. We're close.
0:36:55 > 0:36:56Why'd you park so far away?
0:36:56 > 0:37:00This is the only legal spot after 11.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02What the fuck?
0:37:02 > 0:37:04What?
0:37:06 > 0:37:08My car is gone!
0:37:09 > 0:37:11It was right here!
0:37:11 > 0:37:15Well, they probably towed it.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Can we just get a cab? I'm freezing.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23But this is a legal spot!
0:37:23 > 0:37:26They didn't tow this guy's car! Oh, I swear to God!
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Tobey, would you shut up? Please!
0:37:36 > 0:37:38All right. It's...it's OK, Elaine.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42They just tow it to the pound.
0:37:42 > 0:37:43We can get it out.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45SHE SOBS
0:37:47 > 0:37:52I want to get married and have a baby!
0:37:53 > 0:37:56And you don't.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00OK. Let's just get a cab.
0:38:00 > 0:38:06Oh, I have wasted seven years of my life with you!
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Oh, shit.
0:38:12 > 0:38:18I need you to find somewhere else to stay tonight.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28Hey!
0:38:46 > 0:38:48PHONE RINGS
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Hello?
0:38:53 > 0:38:55Honey. Honey, what is it?
0:38:55 > 0:38:57What happened?
0:38:57 > 0:39:00Aw, sweetie. He did?
0:39:03 > 0:39:05PHONE RINGS
0:39:08 > 0:39:11Hey, what's going on? Rebecca's on the other line with her right now.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14- Hi, Tom.- Pamela?
0:39:14 > 0:39:16I hope I'm not getting you at a bad time.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Erm, no, no.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20I was just, er, relieving myself.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22- What?- I mean, er...
0:39:23 > 0:39:30- Hello?- I mean I'm just... I'm relieved that it's you.- Good.
0:39:30 > 0:39:34MUSIC: "Don't Mean You Lost Your Love" by Libby Johnson
0:40:31 > 0:40:32Come in.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- Hey.- Hi. - You all right?- Oh, yeah.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37You look a little tense.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39Oh.
0:40:50 > 0:40:51Oh!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Have you ever had a...
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Ever had a problem, you know?
0:41:36 > 0:41:40I guess you haven't been listening to me for the last 15 years.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43No, like, like... like another woman problem?
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Issue.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48What, do you have one?
0:41:48 > 0:41:50Tom?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52Please don't say anything.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54- I'm not sure what's going...- Hey!
0:41:55 > 0:41:57- Hi!- Hey!
0:41:59 > 0:42:01Oh! You're the last person I expect to see.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Yeah, well. Here I am.
0:42:04 > 0:42:05Eating soup.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Yeah.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10- Yeah. You remember Tom?- Hi.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14Are you OK? You look tired.
0:42:14 > 0:42:18Uh, well, actually...
0:42:18 > 0:42:20Elaine and I split up...
0:42:20 > 0:42:22..about, about three weeks ago.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25- Oh, God, I'm sorry.- Yeah, well, it was a long relationship.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27- You know what? I'm gonna go.- OK...
0:42:29 > 0:42:33- Wait. I thought we were gonna go see a movie together. - I gotta check something out.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36- Hey, watch where you're going, asshole.- Sorry.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38- Shit!- Honey! Honey, look who's here.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42See this prick that just knocked me? I shoulda smacked him upside the head.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45No. No, don't do that. Honey, remember Tobey?
0:42:45 > 0:42:47- Hey. What's up, bro?- Hey.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52- All right.- Oh!
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Paper covers rock.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57Remember that?
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Hey, do you like music?
0:42:59 > 0:43:03You know, cos Rand is promoting this great new club and it's really, it's really hot.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05- Yeah.- Oh!
0:43:05 > 0:43:09Oh, well, I'd love to. I mean, if that's an invitation.
0:43:09 > 0:43:10Absolutely!
0:43:10 > 0:43:13Yes, I just need an email address.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Er...yeah.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20It's...
0:43:20 > 0:43:23A S...
0:43:23 > 0:43:26S M...
0:43:26 > 0:43:30A N 2 0 4 at AOL dot com.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34SHE LAUGHS
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Got it.
0:43:36 > 0:43:40- 1 through 203 were taken.- OK.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43- Well, I will email you the details then.- All right.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45- Assman!- My man.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02- Hi, are you Norah?- Norah.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Wow! Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.
0:44:04 > 0:44:07I was afraid that they weren't gonna let you sit down.
0:44:07 > 0:44:12Oh, it was difficult, but I finally managed to persuade them.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14SHE LAUGHS
0:44:14 > 0:44:20I never imagined when I submitted my book that it would elicit a response from the head of the company.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23I'm grateful you agreed to see me, actually.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25Are you kidding?
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Do you know who you are?
0:44:27 > 0:44:29- I think so.- I'm sorry.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31That was crass.
0:44:31 > 0:44:36I just got out of a relationship with a crass man, nothing to do with gardening.
0:44:38 > 0:44:40Anyway, I don't know. I say these things.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42I don't know where they come from.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47- Excuse me. I'm so sorry.- Are you OK?
0:44:47 > 0:44:51- I'm fine. Are you OK? Jesus!- I'm fine. I'm just wet. You're choking.
0:44:55 > 0:44:59No, because I called. Because I left a message for you.
0:44:59 > 0:45:01Would you just fuck you for just a...
0:45:02 > 0:45:04I'm sorry. Look, I'm really sorry.
0:45:04 > 0:45:06Excuse me.
0:45:06 > 0:45:10Yeah... No, I'm fine. No, you know, I'm a little tense today.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13Susie, you know I
0:45:13 > 0:45:19I love talking to you, but I don't think that on my cell phone right now is...
0:45:21 > 0:45:24She called me this morning and she's screaming at me.
0:45:24 > 0:45:26I'm really in very bad shape.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29Basically, I'm exhausted. The bank is calling me all the time and
0:45:29 > 0:45:31the contractor called twice.
0:45:31 > 0:45:33I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35Really, really difficult day.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39The lady who lives upstairs from me, that horrible bitch?
0:45:39 > 0:45:41CAR HORNS BEEP
0:45:47 > 0:45:49HE SHOUTS: Douche bag!
0:45:52 > 0:45:59I want to start off this meeting by first thanking Sensei Goldberg for the use of his dojo.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01THEY APPLAUD
0:46:01 > 0:46:05I would like to also welcome the Sensei as our newest member
0:46:05 > 0:46:08of the Broadway division of Sex Addicts R' Us.
0:46:08 > 0:46:14So that means if you are here for the previously scheduled seminar
0:46:14 > 0:46:17on owning your orgasm, you're in the wrong place.
0:46:17 > 0:46:23- Shit... - It's been moved to the basement of Our Lady of Poland on 34th Street.
0:46:23 > 0:46:24- 34th?- Yeah.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29Are you here for the meeting?
0:46:29 > 0:46:32- What? The meeting?- Yes.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34The meeting?
0:46:34 > 0:46:38Yeah. The meeting. Yeah. I thought I'd check it out.
0:46:38 > 0:46:39Welcome...
0:46:40 > 0:46:44- Your name?- Tobey.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46ALL: Hi, Tobey.
0:46:47 > 0:46:49Well, my friend Rebecca says...
0:46:49 > 0:46:54She thinks that men are never really ready to have a baby and that you have to trap them.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59- What do you think? - I don't really think about it.
0:46:59 > 0:47:03But I certainly think you shouldn't be spending your energy trying to trap a man.
0:47:03 > 0:47:06You're way too talented.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09I believe in fate.
0:47:09 > 0:47:13I think you're meant to have this time, Elaine. You're meant to...
0:47:13 > 0:47:15..to explore.
0:47:16 > 0:47:19Sounds like you need it.
0:47:19 > 0:47:21I don't know what I need.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25Well, I think, you know more than you're willing to admit.
0:47:25 > 0:47:27This is me.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Oh. Sweet.
0:47:29 > 0:47:32Thank you so much for lunch and for the walk.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36It was delicious, don't you think?
0:47:36 > 0:47:37Yes.
0:47:39 > 0:47:43So do you think there's any chance you're gonna publish my book?
0:47:45 > 0:47:49You know, Elaine, you're a very talented young woman
0:47:49 > 0:47:50and, quite frankly,
0:47:50 > 0:47:54I was very taken with the photo you sent with your submission.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58But I want to be honest with you.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01I don't like to rush these things.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04- I like to go slow.- OK.
0:48:04 > 0:48:07So let's meet and see how it goes.
0:48:07 > 0:48:10OK.
0:48:11 > 0:48:13Hey, get a room!
0:48:14 > 0:48:16It was never enough.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19No matter how many times,
0:48:19 > 0:48:22different positions,
0:48:22 > 0:48:24none of it made me feel whole.
0:48:25 > 0:48:28In fact, it just made me feel empty.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36How's the sandwich?
0:48:36 > 0:48:39OK, so...just to recap.
0:48:39 > 0:48:44Er, John is not happy unless he can fit his penis
0:48:44 > 0:48:46inside a hard, inanimate object.
0:48:46 > 0:48:48Preferably coarse.
0:48:48 > 0:48:49Right...
0:48:49 > 0:48:52Sarah, you had a relapse this week,
0:48:52 > 0:48:55again putting yourself in danger with a power tool.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58And, er, Gordon.
0:48:58 > 0:49:01The sex you are having with your wife's mother and your
0:49:01 > 0:49:06wife's mother's sister is putting your home life in major jeopardy.
0:49:06 > 0:49:10That leaves...Tobey.
0:49:12 > 0:49:13- I'll pass.- Great.
0:49:13 > 0:49:15Sandwich guy's gonna pass?
0:49:15 > 0:49:18Great. Very trusting.
0:49:18 > 0:49:21It's traditional that everyone shares.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Well...
0:49:34 > 0:49:36I've been having an affair.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43With a woman...
0:49:46 > 0:49:48..who is not my wife.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56And, erm...
0:49:57 > 0:49:58I, er...
0:50:01 > 0:50:04I like her to wrap me in deli meats.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09I need her
0:50:09 > 0:50:13to wrap me in deli meats in order to achieve an orgasm.
0:50:16 > 0:50:17Usually ham.
0:50:19 > 0:50:21Thinly sliced.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26I know it's not normal.
0:50:26 > 0:50:30No-one here knows what that word means, Tobey.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33You're amongst friends.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Continue.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38And hand me the sandwich.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40Am I allowed to wear fur?
0:50:40 > 0:50:42Do I, like, give off that vibe?
0:50:42 > 0:50:45- Is she attractive?- So funny.
0:50:45 > 0:50:49Afterwards, all I wanted to do was tell Tobey.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52He'd have died of excitement, a possible threesome.
0:50:52 > 0:50:56I had a threesome once. It was with two guys who turned out to be gay.
0:50:56 > 0:50:58I was just kind of the window dressing.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01It all made sense in retrospect, but I can't tell you
0:51:01 > 0:51:04what it did for my self esteem.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06Yeah, it seems really damaged.
0:51:06 > 0:51:08What does that mean?
0:51:08 > 0:51:10Nothing.
0:51:10 > 0:51:15You know, I don't get what people think of me? That I have no problems or feelings, I'm perfect,
0:51:15 > 0:51:17I'm like a robot?!
0:51:18 > 0:51:20No, honey. Nobody thinks that.
0:51:20 > 0:51:21We all think you're great.
0:51:21 > 0:51:23We all have problems.
0:51:25 > 0:51:29You know, I always thought of a relationship as two people holding a stick.
0:51:29 > 0:51:34Sometimes the stick is short, you're close and can look into each other's eyes and other times
0:51:34 > 0:51:38it's long, you can barely see the other but you both hold on to your end of the stick.
0:51:38 > 0:51:40You don't let it drop.
0:51:43 > 0:51:46I'm OK. I'm just stressed.
0:51:47 > 0:51:48We should go out.
0:51:48 > 0:51:50Just you and me.
0:51:50 > 0:51:52SHE GASPS
0:51:52 > 0:51:55- Jesus, what?- I just thought of a great guy for you.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01Oh...I don't know.
0:52:05 > 0:52:09No weapons in the club. If you've got a weapon, you gotta give 'em up at the door.
0:52:09 > 0:52:13- No exceptions.- Would you move?
0:52:13 > 0:52:14All right, make room for her.
0:52:14 > 0:52:17Hey, Wall Street, make way for the lady.
0:52:17 > 0:52:19- Hey.- How are you?
0:52:19 > 0:52:21Good to see you. Have a good time.
0:52:21 > 0:52:25- Hey, you're here. - I'm glad I didn't bring my piece.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27Hi. How are you?
0:52:29 > 0:52:32- Where's, where's... - Rand? He couldn't make it.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36Oh, I'm sorry he couldn't make it.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39- He, er...- I'm not!
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Oh, come on. Let's dance.
0:52:43 > 0:52:45Oh, no, no... No, no, I don't...
0:52:45 > 0:52:48- That's not really my thing.- Come on!
0:52:50 > 0:52:52More of a slow dancer.
0:52:58 > 0:52:59All right.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10APPLAUSE
0:53:10 > 0:53:12Thank you.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16Hey, baby, will you hold this for me? Thank you. Hold my horn.
0:53:16 > 0:53:21That's a little something we call Serenade For A French Horn in F sharp.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25This next one...
0:53:25 > 0:53:28we call Juniper.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32And if any of you out there know what a juniper plant is,
0:53:33 > 0:53:36I think you'll understand.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Peace.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43My God. He just bowed to you.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47- It wasn't to me.- It wasn't to me. He doesn't even know me.
0:53:47 > 0:53:49I told him all about you already.
0:53:49 > 0:53:51- When?- On the phone.- Oh, my God.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54I didn't even bow back.
0:53:54 > 0:53:57# I can't wait for you
0:53:58 > 0:53:59# Anymore... #
0:54:01 > 0:54:05I'll introduce you to him after and you can bow then.
0:54:05 > 0:54:10# Closing the front door
0:54:12 > 0:54:16# Air travel makes me ill
0:54:18 > 0:54:21# Think I'll take another pill
0:54:21 > 0:54:26# Cos you're here, Juniper... #
0:54:32 > 0:54:37Hey, you guys, that was great. So flowing, man. I could feel it tonight.
0:54:37 > 0:54:39Hey! How's the comedienne?
0:54:42 > 0:54:45- Oh, my God. Oh!- Ooh!
0:54:46 > 0:54:49- Oh, dizzy. - You taste as good as ever.
0:54:49 > 0:54:52You were great. You were great tonight.
0:54:52 > 0:54:54You were really good.
0:54:54 > 0:54:58Well, I was just working off that energy that you were sending up to me.
0:54:58 > 0:55:02Phew! You have a really beautiful voice.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04Well, I can't take credit for that, you know?
0:55:04 > 0:55:07It's all the big man.
0:55:07 > 0:55:09# Hey! #
0:55:09 > 0:55:13You know, ever since I became a minister, my vocal range has just gotten insane.
0:55:14 > 0:55:16You're a minister?
0:55:16 > 0:55:20Yes, yes. But don't worry, ministers are free to fornicate.
0:55:22 > 0:55:24Should we get a drink?
0:55:24 > 0:55:26Lots of 'em.
0:55:26 > 0:55:29Go! Go!
0:55:29 > 0:55:32THEY CHANT: Tobey! Tobey! Tobey! Tobey!
0:55:32 > 0:55:35Tobey! Tobey! Tobey!
0:55:35 > 0:55:38Tobey! Tobey! Tobey!
0:55:38 > 0:55:40Tobey! Tobey!
0:55:44 > 0:55:47GLASS SMASHING Ow! Watch it!
0:55:51 > 0:55:53- Dante.- Lewis, buddy.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57Good to see you.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01What is the deal with you two?
0:56:01 > 0:56:05Oh, come on, "you taste as good as ever"?
0:56:05 > 0:56:08We had a thing in college.
0:56:08 > 0:56:11I didn't tell you because I didn't want to discourage you.
0:56:11 > 0:56:12Mmm.
0:56:12 > 0:56:14He's sexy!
0:56:15 > 0:56:20And very attentive.
0:56:20 > 0:56:21Oh.
0:56:22 > 0:56:25He really is a freak, isn't he?
0:56:25 > 0:56:27You don't have to marry the guy.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34So, what are we gonna do about this?
0:56:34 > 0:56:36- This?- Mm-hm.
0:56:38 > 0:56:41Oh, come on. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45Every time we've seen each other since college.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54Oh, I've thought about it...
0:56:55 > 0:56:57Sure, you're, you're...
0:56:57 > 0:56:59I'm what?
0:57:01 > 0:57:03Very...
0:57:03 > 0:57:04Very what?
0:57:08 > 0:57:10Talk dirty to me.
0:57:38 > 0:57:41You taste amazing.
0:57:41 > 0:57:42Thank you.
0:57:45 > 0:57:52Erm, could you, could you stop doing whatever that it is that you were just doing
0:57:52 > 0:57:53and...
0:57:53 > 0:57:56leave?
0:57:58 > 0:58:00Oh...
0:58:00 > 0:58:01I would be wearing...
0:58:05 > 0:58:07..shorts.
0:58:07 > 0:58:10And you would...
0:58:12 > 0:58:14..be in a swimsuit?
0:58:14 > 0:58:16Oh, God. Just relax.
0:58:16 > 0:58:17I'm sorry.
0:58:17 > 0:58:20It's just, you know, you have a...
0:58:20 > 0:58:21husband.
0:58:21 > 0:58:24Rand.
0:58:24 > 0:58:26What kind of name is that anyway?
0:58:26 > 0:58:28Aah, Mm-mm.
0:58:28 > 0:58:31No, doesn't matter. OK?
0:58:31 > 0:58:33None of it matters, Tobey.
0:58:33 > 0:58:37- Hmm? What? What's that mean?- I mean, in 50 years, we're gonna be dead
0:58:37 > 0:58:40and nobody's gonna remember us or even know we existed. So, come on...
0:58:40 > 0:58:42In 50 years, I'm only gonna be 86.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44Mmm. Whatever!
0:58:45 > 0:58:49My point is that this is all so temporary so let's just enjoy it.
0:58:50 > 0:58:52Please?
0:58:58 > 0:59:00DOOR BUZZER
0:59:14 > 0:59:16Elaine!
0:59:16 > 0:59:17Elaine!
0:59:20 > 0:59:23Elaine... Is asleep.
0:59:23 > 0:59:25She's gone to bed.
0:59:27 > 0:59:28Er, wait...
0:59:28 > 0:59:31HE STAMMERS
0:59:31 > 0:59:34You were just up there?
0:59:35 > 0:59:36Yes. Yes, I was.
0:59:38 > 0:59:39Nothing to write home about.
0:59:42 > 0:59:45I think I got a song out of it.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47HE HUMS
0:59:57 > 1:00:01Why would you do that? You know I invited Elaine and her new boyfriend.
1:00:01 > 1:00:04I know, but he just looked so pathetic. And, you know...I forgot.
1:00:04 > 1:00:06You did not forget, Tom.
1:00:06 > 1:00:09He's just blathering on about how much he misses Elaine.
1:00:09 > 1:00:11He can't function without her. He's gotta see her.
1:00:11 > 1:00:16- I wanted somebody here who doesn't know anything about the theatre, somebody to talk to.- Fine.
1:00:16 > 1:00:18He's sitting far away from Elaine.
1:00:18 > 1:00:20Next to Amis.
1:00:20 > 1:00:26- The guy in the yellow turtleneck? Rebecca, he's your brother. Don't do that to him.- Hey!- My man.
1:00:26 > 1:00:29- I, er...brought a bottle of wine. - Thank you.
1:00:29 > 1:00:32- That's what you do at a dinner party, right?- Very grown-up.
1:00:32 > 1:00:35- Yep. Hey!- Hi. How are you?
1:00:35 > 1:00:37Hello? >
1:00:37 > 1:00:39Your door was wide open.
1:00:41 > 1:00:45- Hi, my name's Tom. - You look so pretty.- Thank you.
1:00:45 > 1:00:48Goren. Nice to meet you.
1:00:48 > 1:00:49Hi, Elaine.
1:00:49 > 1:00:51Hi, hi. Nice to see you...again!
1:00:51 > 1:00:55Oh, wow! Wow, that was a lot of kisses!
1:00:55 > 1:00:58Hello!
1:00:58 > 1:01:00Hey! Tobey.
1:01:00 > 1:01:02To-bey. To-bey.
1:01:02 > 1:01:04Let me take your coat.
1:01:04 > 1:01:06- Hiya.- Yeah.
1:01:06 > 1:01:10- Here you go. Yeah. Take your coat too. Take it off.- All right.
1:01:10 > 1:01:14Oh, the theatre. No, no, no... the theatre is completely different.
1:01:14 > 1:01:18I mean, it's all star-driven, you know? Stars, stars, stars.
1:01:18 > 1:01:20They can't walk. They can't talk.
1:01:20 > 1:01:24I mean, it's just like the film industry, where you hail from, my dear.
1:01:24 > 1:01:27Actually, Amis, I hail from New Jersey.
1:01:27 > 1:01:28No? New Jers...
1:01:28 > 1:01:32Charming. Charming as ever.
1:01:32 > 1:01:34Tom, you are a lucky man.
1:01:34 > 1:01:37Spunk doesn't usually come in such a beautiful package.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42TOBEY LAUGHS
1:01:43 > 1:01:44You know, I...
1:01:45 > 1:01:49I think it's this, uh these departures...
1:01:49 > 1:01:54from the literatures which makes it worse in this societies.
1:01:54 > 1:01:57It goes, er, the wrongest.
1:02:00 > 1:02:02What do you mean, Goren?
1:02:02 > 1:02:04No. No, yeah...
1:02:04 > 1:02:10It's... Because it is this, uh, connection between
1:02:10 > 1:02:11the past and the futures.
1:02:11 > 1:02:17Er...well, because it was there before any of the other arts.
1:02:18 > 1:02:20- Except painting.- And dance.
1:02:23 > 1:02:26- This is great wine.- Isn't it?
1:02:37 > 1:02:39So, Goren, are you...
1:02:39 > 1:02:41technically a citizen?
1:02:45 > 1:02:51There are more than one, erm, places for which, erm, to be citizens with than this one.
1:02:59 > 1:03:02So, you're on a limited visa or something?
1:03:02 > 1:03:04CLATTERING
1:03:04 > 1:03:05ELAINE COUGHS
1:03:05 > 1:03:06You all right?
1:03:06 > 1:03:08ELAINE COUGHS
1:03:08 > 1:03:09- I am. I'm...- You OK?
1:03:09 > 1:03:12SHE CONTINUES TO COUGH
1:03:17 > 1:03:19TOBEY COUGHS
1:03:20 > 1:03:22Wow! This is good soup.
1:03:26 > 1:03:27SHE MOUTHS
1:03:31 > 1:03:33SHE SIGHS
1:03:33 > 1:03:35Tobey! We can't do this.
1:03:35 > 1:03:36What do you mean? It's all right.
1:03:36 > 1:03:38They're... you know...
1:03:42 > 1:03:44We're not together anymore.
1:03:44 > 1:03:46Do you get that?
1:03:49 > 1:03:51But it's not right for me, Elaine.
1:03:55 > 1:03:57I mean,
1:03:57 > 1:03:58it's Tobey and Elaine.
1:03:58 > 1:04:00That sounds right to me.
1:04:00 > 1:04:05Those two names. They...they... they go together.
1:04:05 > 1:04:07That's your plea?
1:04:07 > 1:04:09That our names go together?
1:04:10 > 1:04:12It seems right.
1:04:13 > 1:04:15It's not right.
1:04:15 > 1:04:19I'm just starting with someone new, and I'm happy.
1:04:21 > 1:04:23That... that...that...
1:04:23 > 1:04:25sprocket out there?
1:04:25 > 1:04:27He's...he's...he's...
1:04:27 > 1:04:30- in a unitard, for Christ sakes! - ELAINE LAUGHS
1:04:30 > 1:04:32Better. That is the Tobey that I know.
1:04:32 > 1:04:34Oh, oh, oh!
1:04:34 > 1:04:38"I think The Canterbury Tales really provides a basis for all of ze modern literatures.
1:04:38 > 1:04:42- "And watch me dance." - You know, you're right, Tobey.
1:04:42 > 1:04:44You hit the nail on the head! He is...
1:04:44 > 1:04:46- a pretentious sprocket.- Yes!
1:04:46 > 1:04:49He's a pretentious sprocket
1:04:49 > 1:04:52with a huge cock!
1:04:57 > 1:05:00N... Well, he... he... he... does not look
1:05:00 > 1:05:02like he has a huge cock!
1:05:05 > 1:05:06Well, he does.
1:05:06 > 1:05:09And you...
1:05:09 > 1:05:11you don't know what a relationship is.
1:05:36 > 1:05:39Boy, that water pressure in there really sucks.
1:05:52 > 1:05:55It's been a long time, hasn't it?
1:05:55 > 1:06:00- Where'd she find this guy, Zorro, anyway?- It's Goren.
1:06:00 > 1:06:01And let's not talk about him.
1:06:05 > 1:06:08I gotta be up early for Mommy And Me.
1:06:14 > 1:06:15OK.
1:06:18 > 1:06:21That's not really fair to say, now, is it?
1:06:21 > 1:06:25We've known each other a long time. We deserve each other's honesty.
1:06:25 > 1:06:28I have been in love with you since the moment I saw you.
1:06:28 > 1:06:30You only think you have.
1:06:31 > 1:06:33What's the difference?
1:06:33 > 1:06:36That's a cocksucker of a speech. I get it right?
1:06:36 > 1:06:38How come I didn't get the cursing gene?
1:06:38 > 1:06:41I've never had this much trouble remembering my lines.
1:06:42 > 1:06:44It must be menopause.
1:06:44 > 1:06:48Becca, you're 38. Would you please not talk about your vagina? You're my sister.
1:06:48 > 1:06:50Bad enough my best friend has sex with you.
1:06:52 > 1:06:55Walk back to the theatre with me, would you?
1:06:59 > 1:07:01HORNS BLARE
1:07:01 > 1:07:02HORNS BLARE
1:07:02 > 1:07:04Hey! What the fuck?
1:07:09 > 1:07:10Hey!
1:07:15 > 1:07:19Hey, Evel Knievel, what the fuck?
1:07:19 > 1:07:21Since when do you smoke?
1:07:21 > 1:07:24I know he's seeing someone.
1:07:27 > 1:07:30You know, I wasn't really sure, but that look confirmed it.
1:07:30 > 1:07:33That's not fair. You said you already knew he was.
1:07:33 > 1:07:37- So he is?- No! I...
1:07:37 > 1:07:39I mean, I know nothing.
1:07:39 > 1:07:44I'm not the guy who tells someone something like that. I refuse to be forced into being that guy.
1:07:44 > 1:07:46This is not about you,
1:07:46 > 1:07:47you little fucking twit.
1:07:47 > 1:07:50- Well, I... Hey, you hit me! - You know, Tom's right about you.
1:07:50 > 1:07:52You're...what'd he call you?
1:07:52 > 1:07:55The play-by-play guy. What you call the guy who sits -
1:07:55 > 1:07:58talks about everything that's going on without playing?
1:07:58 > 1:08:00Never fucking participating.
1:08:00 > 1:08:01Just letting life pass you by.
1:08:01 > 1:08:03Never participating!
1:08:03 > 1:08:05Well, if I'm that guy, then he's the quarterback
1:08:05 > 1:08:08who wants to screw everything with two legs!
1:08:08 > 1:08:10To...continue the...
1:08:10 > 1:08:12the...the metaphor, that is.
1:08:14 > 1:08:15Fuck!
1:08:21 > 1:08:23Thanks for reading with me, Tobey.
1:08:23 > 1:08:25I'm sorry. I'm so...
1:08:45 > 1:08:46Oh, hey.
1:08:46 > 1:08:48- Aaargh!- Oh!
1:08:48 > 1:08:50Aaah!
1:08:50 > 1:08:53Cosmos, would you be a sweetheart, and let Mr. Ponson in?
1:08:53 > 1:08:56He's already here, Mom.
1:08:58 > 1:09:00So they're really that sensitive, huh?
1:09:00 > 1:09:03Women don't seem to believe that, but, yes, they are.
1:09:03 > 1:09:06Oh, so now I'm being lumped with all women?
1:09:06 > 1:09:09Pamela, we need to talk about something.
1:09:09 > 1:09:11No.
1:09:11 > 1:09:13I know what you're gonna say. And you're right.
1:09:13 > 1:09:16But I don't want to.
1:09:16 > 1:09:19Look, I can't... I can't do this anymore.
1:09:19 > 1:09:20We have to stop this.
1:09:25 > 1:09:27SHE SIGHS
1:09:27 > 1:09:28THUNDER
1:09:28 > 1:09:30HORNS BLARE
1:09:37 > 1:09:40Hey, you wanna see what Cosmos taught me?
1:09:40 > 1:09:41Sure. Oooh!
1:09:41 > 1:09:43'Mommy!'
1:09:43 > 1:09:45Hey, is that my big boy?
1:09:48 > 1:09:51- Hi, sweetheart. - We didn't expect you to be home.
1:09:51 > 1:09:53- Well, I missed my family, so I came home early.- Mmm.
1:09:56 > 1:09:58- Are you wearing cologne?- No.
1:10:00 > 1:10:03David learned some interesting things on his play date today.
1:10:03 > 1:10:05Oh, really, like what?
1:10:05 > 1:10:08I learned how to silence someone!
1:10:08 > 1:10:11- How do you do that? - You hit them in the balls.
1:10:11 > 1:10:12Oh.
1:10:13 > 1:10:14Yep.
1:10:14 > 1:10:16That sounds like a good idea.
1:10:20 > 1:10:23OK, everybody, let's get ready for dinner. Come on. Let's go.
1:10:23 > 1:10:25Whoops. OK.
1:10:31 > 1:10:34Here you go, buddy.
1:10:34 > 1:10:36Table for one. Watch your hand.
1:10:36 > 1:10:39- Here you go. Oops, sorry.- Oops.
1:10:41 > 1:10:44- There you go.- Thanks.- Enjoy.
1:10:49 > 1:10:51- You OK?- Um...
1:10:51 > 1:10:54I'm thinking about dropping out of the play.
1:10:54 > 1:10:55What? Why?
1:10:57 > 1:11:00Things aren't working out the way I want them to.
1:11:00 > 1:11:05Aw, you'll do great. Rebecca, you always have these moments of doubts before an opening.
1:11:05 > 1:11:06Not about so many things.
1:11:10 > 1:11:12What are you doing, Tom?
1:11:16 > 1:11:19I look at you, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.
1:11:19 > 1:11:21And maybe that's my fault.
1:11:21 > 1:11:23No. It's not your fault.
1:11:24 > 1:11:25I...er...
1:11:27 > 1:11:29I just...
1:11:29 > 1:11:30I feel lost.
1:11:32 > 1:11:33And er...
1:11:33 > 1:11:35I don't know who I am right now.
1:11:43 > 1:11:45SHE SIGHS
1:11:46 > 1:11:48You should leave, Tom.
1:11:48 > 1:11:49Till you figure it out.
1:11:49 > 1:11:52We can't do it for you.
1:11:54 > 1:11:57What a good boy.
1:11:57 > 1:11:59Eating all that spaghetti.
1:12:02 > 1:12:06Sorry, I'm late. It's all the idiots.
1:12:06 > 1:12:10- Tobey.- Could you explain the psychology behind people who wait in line at the store
1:12:10 > 1:12:15and don't take their money out until their total is rung up, as if it's a surprise?
1:12:15 > 1:12:18"Oh, you want money for this?
1:12:18 > 1:12:20"Well, I had no idea.
1:12:20 > 1:12:22"Wait, while I unzip my fanny pack,
1:12:22 > 1:12:25"and dig through my man-purse for my wallet."
1:12:25 > 1:12:28So, do you think you might be avoiding the issue?
1:12:30 > 1:12:31What issue is that?
1:12:31 > 1:12:33That you've been following me?
1:12:33 > 1:12:35TOBEY LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY
1:12:35 > 1:12:37I think not!
1:12:41 > 1:12:45Oh! Oh! That was you? I thought it might have been,
1:12:45 > 1:12:48but there was just, you know, so much of a coincidence.
1:12:48 > 1:12:50What were you hoping to find out, Tobey?
1:12:50 > 1:12:52That I'm a Libra?
1:12:52 > 1:12:54That I had a heart attack?
1:12:54 > 1:12:56Oh, you had a heart attack?
1:12:56 > 1:12:59I also had a withholding father, and an inappropriate mother.
1:12:59 > 1:13:02And when I was 20, I had a nervous breakdown.
1:13:02 > 1:13:05And...I think it's time to terminate your therapy.
1:13:07 > 1:13:09I'm sorry?
1:13:09 > 1:13:12Well, this is not working out.
1:13:12 > 1:13:15Well, Tobey, not for you, and not for me.
1:13:20 > 1:13:21OK.
1:13:24 > 1:13:26Have a little trust, Tobey.
1:13:26 > 1:13:28The world is not against you.
1:13:30 > 1:13:34I mean, no wonder his advice was so bad.
1:13:34 > 1:13:36He had a nervous breakdown.
1:13:36 > 1:13:38A heart attack. Messed-up parents.
1:13:38 > 1:13:42I mean, could he be any more unhealthy?
1:13:42 > 1:13:45He said something to me, though, when I left, that really bugged me.
1:13:45 > 1:13:47He said, "The world is not against you, Tobey.
1:13:47 > 1:13:50"Have a little trust."
1:13:50 > 1:13:53Well, that kinda goes against my whole philosophy.
1:13:53 > 1:13:56The world is not against me - huh? Then how do you explain my life?
1:13:56 > 1:13:59Jesus Christ! Can you just shut up?
1:14:00 > 1:14:04I mean, I don't have time for this bullshit about your shrink.
1:14:04 > 1:14:08Have you noticed that I've been kicked out of my house and my life is falling apart?
1:14:10 > 1:14:12Oh, yeah. OK.
1:14:15 > 1:14:16I gotta go.
1:14:24 > 1:14:26Do you think I should get Botox?
1:14:26 > 1:14:30- Definitely.- Really?- Uh-huh.
1:14:30 > 1:14:32If you wanna lose me as your friend.
1:14:32 > 1:14:34You're so strict.
1:14:37 > 1:14:40Saw that bitch at school. She actually said hi to me.
1:14:40 > 1:14:41What did you do?
1:14:41 > 1:14:43Oh, I showed her.
1:14:43 > 1:14:46I said hi back and smiled. And then I just walked away.
1:14:46 > 1:14:48She must be reeling.
1:14:49 > 1:14:51REBECCA SIGHS
1:14:51 > 1:14:54- How are the kids doing?- They're OK.
1:14:54 > 1:14:56He comes by to see them every day.
1:14:56 > 1:14:59I just can't bear to look at him.
1:14:59 > 1:15:01He's in that overly sweet, hangdog stage,
1:15:01 > 1:15:04where I could set him on fire, and he'd thank me for it.
1:15:04 > 1:15:06It's not a bad idea.
1:15:06 > 1:15:08How's Goren The Terrible?
1:15:10 > 1:15:13Terribly boring.
1:15:13 > 1:15:15He does wanna have a baby, though.
1:15:42 > 1:15:44Hey, can I have a blintz?
1:15:44 > 1:15:48This early? It's all I've been thinking about since last night.
1:15:48 > 1:15:52It's an acceptable crossover food, right?
1:15:52 > 1:15:54Why do you think we're such wise-asses?
1:15:55 > 1:15:59Probably a good way to avoid thinking that we're all gonna die.
1:16:00 > 1:16:02When are you gonna get over that?
1:16:02 > 1:16:05Um...
1:16:05 > 1:16:07Never.
1:16:07 > 1:16:08It's a pretty big deal.
1:16:08 > 1:16:10You know what I think?
1:16:10 > 1:16:13I think it's a good way to avoid taking responsibility for anything.
1:16:13 > 1:16:17It's like, "Hey, we're only joking, right? We're all gonna die, right?"
1:16:17 > 1:16:21We miss the biggest moments of our lives - all we talk about is sports, blintzes.
1:16:24 > 1:16:26It's just it's, uh...
1:16:26 > 1:16:30it's pretty depressing not living with your kids.
1:16:32 > 1:16:34Or the woman you love.
1:16:36 > 1:16:38Or the woman that you love.
1:16:39 > 1:16:43Just because you happen to be an immensely flawed and selfish human being.
1:16:45 > 1:16:46Hey...
1:16:46 > 1:16:48you're not so great yourself.
1:16:50 > 1:16:51TOM LAUGHS
1:16:53 > 1:16:58I think the blintz is fully acceptable as a crossover food.
1:16:58 > 1:17:00And I would like one myself.
1:17:01 > 1:17:03You're the man.
1:17:03 > 1:17:04No, you the man.
1:17:04 > 1:17:05Up top.
1:17:11 > 1:17:15'I guess the first thing I should say is that my name is not Tobey.'
1:17:18 > 1:17:19It's Todd.
1:17:20 > 1:17:21ALL: Hi, Todd.
1:17:24 > 1:17:26No, it's not... It's...er...Tom.
1:17:26 > 1:17:27My name is Tom.
1:17:27 > 1:17:29It really is, OK?
1:17:29 > 1:17:36And...secondly, I have no relation at all to deli meats.
1:17:36 > 1:17:39I just made it up to try to fit in.
1:17:39 > 1:17:40Um...
1:17:43 > 1:17:49I... I don't know what I am, but I'm pretty sure that I have a problem.
1:17:51 > 1:17:55Although, not as..as...as big a problem as all of you seem to have.
1:17:57 > 1:17:59Erm... Anybody else hot?
1:17:59 > 1:18:01TOM CLEARS HIS THROAT
1:18:01 > 1:18:02I...
1:18:02 > 1:18:04I also use humour,
1:18:04 > 1:18:07and complaints about the temperature...
1:18:07 > 1:18:09as a way of diverting attention...
1:18:11 > 1:18:15..from the...very serious fact...
1:18:15 > 1:18:17that I'm ruining my life.
1:18:18 > 1:18:19And, uh...
1:18:20 > 1:18:23I just...I just thought it would do me some good
1:18:23 > 1:18:26to tell my real story here today.
1:18:26 > 1:18:27So...
1:18:27 > 1:18:28Er...
1:18:29 > 1:18:31I...er...
1:18:31 > 1:18:33I come from...
1:18:33 > 1:18:35a family of poor peasants.
1:18:35 > 1:18:36LAUGHTER
1:18:36 > 1:18:39Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm just kiddin'.
1:18:39 > 1:18:43# I've come over to the other side
1:18:43 > 1:18:46# Now I've stopped looking back
1:18:46 > 1:18:48# At myself... #
1:18:48 > 1:18:50PHONE RINGS
1:18:50 > 1:18:52# And letting go
1:18:52 > 1:18:54# Of the way I felt... #
1:18:54 > 1:18:55Oh!
1:19:03 > 1:19:05It's hims, again.
1:19:08 > 1:19:11# And I've been looking for a reason
1:19:11 > 1:19:12# To doubt you
1:19:12 > 1:19:15# But this faith is all I find
1:19:15 > 1:19:19# And I've been thinking 'bout going away
1:19:19 > 1:19:22# But you made me change my mind... #
1:19:22 > 1:19:23CHEERING
1:19:23 > 1:19:25# I move
1:19:28 > 1:19:32# A little bit closer to you... #
1:19:32 > 1:19:34Oh, Daddy, I'm comin'!
1:19:36 > 1:19:38# And I know
1:19:38 > 1:19:43# I'll be all right
1:19:43 > 1:19:45# Cos I know
1:19:45 > 1:19:49# You're by my side
1:19:51 > 1:19:54# And I'll be safe
1:19:54 > 1:19:57# Tonight... #
1:19:57 > 1:19:58HE SIGHS
1:20:01 > 1:20:04# Ah, ah, ah, ah
1:20:08 > 1:20:10# Ah, ah, ah, ah... #
1:20:10 > 1:20:12- Trust us.- Trust us. - We're all about trust.
1:20:12 > 1:20:13- Come on.- OK.
1:20:13 > 1:20:15Here you go. Here you go.
1:20:15 > 1:20:19# Ah, ah, ah, ah
1:20:19 > 1:20:22# A little bit closer to you
1:20:22 > 1:20:23# Ah, ah... #
1:20:23 > 1:20:25CHEERING
1:20:28 > 1:20:30LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
1:20:36 > 1:20:38KNOCK ON DOOR
1:20:38 > 1:20:39Come in.
1:20:40 > 1:20:42Popular lady.
1:20:44 > 1:20:46I think these are from your husband.
1:20:46 > 1:20:48Again.
1:20:48 > 1:20:50Break a leg.
1:20:50 > 1:20:51Thank you.
1:21:03 > 1:21:06SHE SOBS
1:21:10 > 1:21:12KNOCK ON DOOR
1:21:14 > 1:21:18Sweetheart, I'm sorry to interrupt your pre-show cry.
1:21:18 > 1:21:20All the best ones have 'em.
1:21:26 > 1:21:29We're all in this together, my dear.
1:21:29 > 1:21:32All damned to the theatre.
1:21:32 > 1:21:35Condemned to live through our art.
1:21:35 > 1:21:39For we do not know how to live through our lives.
1:21:39 > 1:21:40We are islands.
1:21:42 > 1:21:45Francis, my director.
1:21:45 > 1:21:50I am a mother and a wife first and foremost,
1:21:50 > 1:21:52and you should go fuck yourself.
1:21:57 > 1:22:00'Welcome to tonight's premiere performance
1:22:00 > 1:22:03'of Edmund Middleton's Fifty Means.'
1:22:03 > 1:22:06Oh, these are good seats.
1:22:06 > 1:22:08'Enjoy the show.'
1:22:08 > 1:22:10(That should be me.)
1:22:10 > 1:22:12What'd you say?
1:22:12 > 1:22:14Nothing.
1:22:15 > 1:22:17APPLAUSE
1:22:18 > 1:22:20You go on back to the house. I'll get the rest.
1:22:20 > 1:22:22WOMAN ON STAGE LAUGHS
1:22:23 > 1:22:24APPLAUSE
1:22:26 > 1:22:27WHISTLING
1:22:30 > 1:22:33I never thought I'd say this, but I'm happy to be home.
1:22:33 > 1:22:37Nothing much has changed around here, but then again, it never does.
1:22:40 > 1:22:41I'm miserable.
1:22:45 > 1:22:48And seein' you miserable isn't helping any.
1:22:50 > 1:22:53- What are we gonna do?- I don't know.
1:22:57 > 1:22:59We gotta do somethin'.
1:23:01 > 1:23:02TOILET FLUSHES
1:23:11 > 1:23:12There she is.
1:23:14 > 1:23:17- You go talk to her.- And you go find a pen and a piece of paper.
1:23:22 > 1:23:24Hey.
1:23:24 > 1:23:25Thought that was you.
1:23:25 > 1:23:26Tobey.
1:23:29 > 1:23:31Not now, OK?
1:23:31 > 1:23:33You don't return my calls.
1:23:33 > 1:23:36I need a...uh, pen and a piece of paper.
1:23:36 > 1:23:37It's an emergency.
1:23:37 > 1:23:40Tobey, why do you have to make this so hard?
1:23:40 > 1:23:44Elaine, it's hard for me too.
1:23:44 > 1:23:46Oh, my goodness!
1:23:46 > 1:23:48Listen...
1:23:48 > 1:23:51I want you to stop calling the houses, and...
1:23:51 > 1:23:54I want you to stays away from her, for all the times.
1:23:56 > 1:23:59Why is everything plural with this guy?
1:23:59 > 1:24:01Oh, insult me to my faces?
1:24:01 > 1:24:04- Tobey.- What?
1:24:04 > 1:24:06- This is Rebecca's night, OK? - What? What? I know.
1:24:06 > 1:24:09Oh, gosh. I'm sorry, I dropped the pen there.
1:24:09 > 1:24:11Oh, I'll get it.
1:24:11 > 1:24:13Hey.
1:24:13 > 1:24:15Those aren't your flowers, sir.
1:24:15 > 1:24:20- You don't understand. I need to get these to Rebecca Pollack backstage. - I'm sorry.
1:24:20 > 1:24:24She doesn't accept stolen flowers in intermissions.
1:24:24 > 1:24:25Oh, no.
1:24:25 > 1:24:27Can you at least just...
1:24:27 > 1:24:28can you get her this note?
1:24:28 > 1:24:31I'm her husband. Please, just give her that.
1:24:31 > 1:24:33We're talkin' here, Gorens-s-s-s.
1:24:33 > 1:24:34Come.
1:24:35 > 1:24:38- I'm talkin' to her, if you don't mind.- I do mind.
1:24:38 > 1:24:40It's not gonna happen.
1:24:40 > 1:24:41I said I'd like to talk to her!
1:24:41 > 1:24:43Release her.
1:24:43 > 1:24:45I'm not gonna release her.
1:24:45 > 1:24:47You are so...
1:24:47 > 1:24:48OK. Wait a minute! Hey!
1:24:48 > 1:24:50That's not... No running. No running.
1:24:50 > 1:24:51- Stop it!- You "shtop" it!
1:24:51 > 1:24:54Sir, there's no running in the theatre.
1:24:54 > 1:24:58GASPING AND SHRIEKING
1:24:58 > 1:25:00Stay there. No running in the theatre.
1:25:00 > 1:25:02There's no running in the theatre.
1:25:02 > 1:25:03SHRIEKING
1:25:03 > 1:25:05We got a runner. We got a runner. OK!
1:25:15 > 1:25:16- Come on!- Sorry.
1:25:16 > 1:25:20- Hey! Watch it. Hey, you're a jerk.- OK!
1:25:20 > 1:25:21All right, there, sweetheart?
1:25:23 > 1:25:25Why are you sweating?
1:25:27 > 1:25:28I saw Goren.
1:25:28 > 1:25:30I pushed him into a plant.
1:25:31 > 1:25:33I stole some flowers.
1:25:33 > 1:25:35Oh, that sounds great. Good job.
1:25:35 > 1:25:37Yeah, you too.
1:25:42 > 1:25:44APPLAUSE
1:25:47 > 1:25:48KNOCK AT DOOR
1:25:48 > 1:25:51Mrs Pollack, final scene is up.
1:25:51 > 1:25:52Thank you.
1:26:01 > 1:26:03Who knows if she'll ever come out of that room?
1:26:05 > 1:26:08But I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.
1:26:08 > 1:26:13Hell, comin' back here after so long, for what?
1:26:13 > 1:26:15For us?
1:26:15 > 1:26:17For this place?
1:26:17 > 1:26:21Somehow, it doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me.
1:26:29 > 1:26:31The night air.
1:26:31 > 1:26:33It feels good.
1:26:33 > 1:26:35This is the last line of the play.
1:26:35 > 1:26:36You know it does, Laura.
1:26:36 > 1:26:38So what?
1:26:38 > 1:26:42I gotta do something. Excuse me. Sorry.
1:26:42 > 1:26:46I never thought I'd be able to say that again.
1:26:46 > 1:26:50- Stop it!- Let me just get through here. Pardon me.
1:26:52 > 1:26:55Oh! Give me back my hair! Give me my hair!
1:26:58 > 1:26:59Stop him!
1:26:59 > 1:27:03Ushers, full alert! East aisle. Stage approach.
1:27:05 > 1:27:07No!
1:27:07 > 1:27:08No!
1:27:39 > 1:27:40Hey!
1:27:40 > 1:27:44- Let go!- Get off!
1:27:44 > 1:27:46GRUNTING
1:27:52 > 1:27:54It's OK.
1:27:55 > 1:27:59This is my husband.
1:27:59 > 1:28:00AUDIENCE: Ohhh.
1:28:00 > 1:28:01This loser?
1:28:05 > 1:28:07This loser.
1:28:07 > 1:28:09AUDIENCE: Aww.
1:28:14 > 1:28:16APPLAUSE
1:28:38 > 1:28:40ELAINE!
1:28:40 > 1:28:41STARTLED GASPS
1:28:49 > 1:28:51Did you like the play?
1:28:51 > 1:28:53AUDIENCE MUTTERS
1:28:57 > 1:28:59Come on, let's go.
1:29:00 > 1:29:02Wait, wait!
1:29:04 > 1:29:06HE SIGHS
1:29:06 > 1:29:08You're the one for me!
1:29:10 > 1:29:12Is this part of the play?
1:29:13 > 1:29:15Yes, yes. Yes. It is part of the play.
1:29:15 > 1:29:17Uh, uh...
1:29:17 > 1:29:18this is the part...
1:29:21 > 1:29:24..of the play where we come together and...
1:29:24 > 1:29:25never leave each other.
1:29:28 > 1:29:30And somehow, I feel like it...
1:29:30 > 1:29:33it was written a long time ago, and I just...
1:29:35 > 1:29:39I just didn't trust the script, cos I don't wanna die.
1:29:39 > 1:29:40What?
1:29:40 > 1:29:41W...
1:29:41 > 1:29:44Why do I always have to be equated with death?
1:29:44 > 1:29:47- I agree. - AUDIENCE MURMURS, TOBEY STUTTERS
1:29:47 > 1:29:49That didn't come out right. I...
1:29:54 > 1:29:58I don't want to be a cold, sarcastic, blocked-off man any more.
1:29:59 > 1:30:00I'm not gonna be.
1:30:03 > 1:30:06And it's not gonna be easy...
1:30:06 > 1:30:09but I wanna struggle...
1:30:09 > 1:30:10with you.
1:30:10 > 1:30:13AUDIENCE: Aww.
1:30:17 > 1:30:18I love you.
1:30:18 > 1:30:21AUDIENCE: Aww!
1:30:22 > 1:30:27And all I can do is say that, and let you do with it what you will.
1:30:27 > 1:30:30And if you won't be with me...
1:30:30 > 1:30:31I can accept that.
1:30:32 > 1:30:34Cos I...
1:30:34 > 1:30:36..I want you to be happy.
1:30:41 > 1:30:43Tobey. Tobey.
1:30:45 > 1:30:47I have tried...
1:30:47 > 1:30:50very hard to stop.
1:30:53 > 1:30:55But somehow, I still love you.
1:30:55 > 1:30:56AUDIENCE: Aw!
1:30:56 > 1:30:59- Oh, my God. Thank God! - LAUGHTER
1:30:59 > 1:31:03That stuff I said - being able to let you go, that was crap. I'd hunt you down.
1:31:03 > 1:31:08Who wants to spend all their life doin' that when there's so many things to do before we...
1:31:08 > 1:31:10CHEERING
1:31:44 > 1:31:46Oh, God.
1:31:48 > 1:31:49Do I look fat here?
1:31:50 > 1:31:52Which one are you?
1:31:52 > 1:31:54THEY LAUGH
1:31:54 > 1:31:55You look great.
1:31:55 > 1:31:59Excuse me. I don't mean to bother you,
1:31:59 > 1:32:01but I recognized you from your book.
1:32:01 > 1:32:02SHE LAUGHS
1:32:02 > 1:32:06My son and I have spent so many great days in New York together because of you.
1:32:06 > 1:32:08Would you sign it for me, please?
1:32:10 > 1:32:11Sure.
1:32:15 > 1:32:17You must be a great daddy.
1:32:17 > 1:32:21Thank you. We're very proud of him.
1:32:25 > 1:32:27Yes, we are.
1:32:27 > 1:32:29- Very proud of him.- Mmm.
1:32:30 > 1:32:31OK.
1:32:33 > 1:32:34Here's how it's gonna go.
1:32:34 > 1:32:39- I'm gonna get up, and go into the bathroom on the left.- Mmm.
1:32:39 > 1:32:40Wait one minute...
1:32:45 > 1:32:46..and then you come in.
1:32:56 > 1:33:00One, two, three...
1:33:01 > 1:33:03..17...
1:33:07 > 1:33:09Daddy'll be right back.
1:33:10 > 1:33:1424, 25,
1:33:14 > 1:33:1726, 43.
1:33:21 > 1:33:23'Elaine has found in Tobey,
1:33:23 > 1:33:26'a man she can trust to love her,
1:33:26 > 1:33:29'to be her rock-solid baseline.
1:33:29 > 1:33:33'In Elaine, Tobey has found his life's melody, his grace note.'
1:33:33 > 1:33:35Thank you.
1:33:35 > 1:33:37Do you, Tobias, take this woman,
1:33:37 > 1:33:39to be your lawfully wedded wife,
1:33:39 > 1:33:41to have and to hold,
1:33:41 > 1:33:43until death do you part?
1:33:43 > 1:33:45Oh, could you not mention death?
1:33:45 > 1:33:47Uh...
1:33:47 > 1:33:49uh...as long as we both shall live.
1:33:54 > 1:33:55I do.
1:33:55 > 1:33:56I do.
1:33:57 > 1:33:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
1:34:04 > 1:34:05Put me down!
1:34:07 > 1:34:09LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
1:34:22 > 1:34:24Hey, hey!
1:34:25 > 1:34:27Hey, hey, hey, hey!
1:34:27 > 1:34:29Hey, hey! Hey!
1:34:29 > 1:34:31Baby, baby, go, go! Get him!
1:34:31 > 1:34:34I just got married. Come on, that's legal.
1:34:34 > 1:34:35I was behind the...
1:34:35 > 1:34:37That's our car!
1:34:39 > 1:34:41Every time!
1:34:41 > 1:34:42Every time!
1:34:48 > 1:34:49All right, all you plant lovers,
1:34:49 > 1:34:51you people lovers, you life lovers,
1:34:51 > 1:34:54this one's called Juniper.
1:34:54 > 1:34:56And it goes like this.
1:34:56 > 1:34:59# I can't wait for you
1:35:00 > 1:35:02# Anymore
1:35:06 > 1:35:08# Pack my bags and closing
1:35:08 > 1:35:11# The front door
1:35:15 > 1:35:18# And travel makes me ill
1:35:19 > 1:35:22# I think I'll take another pill... #
1:35:22 > 1:35:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:35:25 > 1:35:28E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk