0:01:11 > 0:01:15# Quando sono solo sogno all'orizzonte e mancan le parole
0:01:15 > 0:01:22# Si lo so che non ce luce in una stanza quando manca il sole
0:01:22 > 0:01:27# Se non ci sei tu con me
0:01:27 > 0:01:32# Con me
0:01:32 > 0:01:36# Chiudi dentro me la luce che
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# Hai incontrato per strada. #
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'll take him.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48# Time to say goodbye
0:01:50 > 0:01:57# Paesi che non ho mai
0:01:57 > 0:02:01# Veduto e vissuto con te
0:02:01 > 0:02:05# It's time to say goodbye. #
0:02:05 > 0:02:10# Time to say goodbye. #
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Jimmy MacElroy.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18The crowd swooning as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22They are giving him the love and he is giving it right back.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Here it comes.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29And he nails it!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It's the best he's been.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Now there's the arm. And you know what that means.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Yes, the galloping peacock and look at him getting air on that.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50There are very few women in the history of this sport
0:02:50 > 0:02:52that skate with this kind of beauty.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Ending the programme showing his flexibility.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04What a great effort!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13He couldn't skate any better. The performance of a lifetime.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Jimmy MacElroy!- Elegant with machine-like technical precision.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20So important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Jimmy's renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27But after that performance, he's starting to reek of gold!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32let's take a look at this exceptional young skater.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35He is a child of privilege. A classic skater defined
0:03:35 > 0:03:38by elegance, precision and an ability to endure great pain.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40He was plucked from an orphanage at age four
0:03:40 > 0:03:43by billionaire champion-maker, Darren MacElroy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Once a breeder of world-class racehorses,
0:03:46 > 0:03:51Darren had turned his attention to nurturing athletically advanced human orphans.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54His ultimate find came in the form of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00With his father's state-of-the-art, some say questionable,
0:04:00 > 0:04:05training methods, this child prodigy was forged into an uberskater.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold, while his trademark Jimmy curl
0:04:09 > 0:04:12was sweeping the nation, with kids of all ages
0:04:12 > 0:04:15fashion-drafting right behind their idol.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17A champion, an icon, a giver.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Jimmy MacElroy, skating's little orphan awesome.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Well, coach?- You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it. You nailed it shut.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Every move exactly like I showed you. I am so proud of you.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Thanks. Dad, what did you think?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Decided on our own to do a little flourish off the triple, did we?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I knew I had it. I just felt it needed a little...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Feeling? We're feeling now?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- What are you teaching this boy? - Jimmy!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I sent you a cup of my blood!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Please don't encourage them. Come on.- Move!
0:04:49 > 0:04:51They may look cute and innocent
0:04:51 > 0:04:56but they're nothing but a beehive for germs and bacteria. Remember the slides I showed you?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- They're beautiful.- They're not! - You smell like a winner!
0:05:00 > 0:05:06'Ladies and gentlemen, the judges' scores are...5.9, 5.9,
0:05:06 > 0:05:10'6.0, 5.9, 6.0, 5.8.'
0:05:10 > 0:05:15All right, not bad, not bad. As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Hands. Skittles.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24MacElroy, was that your routine, or a performance of Cirque du So-lame?
0:05:24 > 0:05:25Besides, you're too late.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28They handed out the girls' medals this morning.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I was on Quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37But I remember Boston
0:05:37 > 0:05:40and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43HEAVY DRUMMING
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Step aside, home school. There's a new sheriff in town.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50CROWD: Chazz!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Here he is. Skating's outlaw, Chazz Michael Michaels.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07This cowboy is cracking his whip on the haunch of this crowd and they love it!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13How do you describe something like that?
0:06:18 > 0:06:23He just uses everything at his disposal. The movement, the music.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28And he just nails the triple Axel!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Well, you know, he is sex on ice.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Hello, ladies.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Typical of Michaels. It's not enough just to win.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53He wants to make love to the crowd.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56That's why those seats are so valuable.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59That's what they want from Chazz Michael Michaels.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Michaels just slipped MacElroy a very public note.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14You have been called out, sir.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23You're welcome, Stockholm.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Unreal. An instant classic.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Just when you think you've seen it all,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Chazz Michael Michaels walks in with the unrated version.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34The undefeatable underdog, ice skating backdoor lover,
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Chazz has come captivated this arena like a stack of classic Euro porn.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41And so while his scores are being tabulated,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45let's learn a little bit more about skating's leather-clad lothario.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Chazz Michael Michaels, an ice-devouring sex tornado.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown. - Troubled childhood? If you call
0:07:54 > 0:07:58being a nine-year-old kid with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of running cigarettes
0:08:01 > 0:08:04and illegal fireworks by becoming a star
0:08:04 > 0:08:06in Detroit's underground sewer skating scene.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09The only skater to win four national championships
0:08:09 > 0:08:12and an adult film award, which is not to say this
0:08:12 > 0:08:15rough-hewn heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17He recently published a book of poetry,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Let Me Put My Poems in You. - Before a big competition,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I like to work with leather. The Native Americans always said
0:08:23 > 0:08:26that working with hides and pelts releases the soul.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29These are a couple diaper bags I made for Faith Hill.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Two men, only one winner.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels? - Personal philosophy -
0:08:35 > 0:08:36clothing optional!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Hope you brought your silver polish, MacElroy, cos that was gold.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- That was disgusting.- That, young man, is how babies are made.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- Get out of my face. - I'll get inside your face.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Mr Michaels, please take your coach, family and friends
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- to the bench to await your scores. - Get this straight.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00And as for friends and family, Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03That's why they call me the Lone Wolf, on my back there.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08'5.9, 5.9, 6.0...'
0:09:08 > 0:09:10That's what I'm talking about.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12'5.9, 6.0...'
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Another 6.0!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15'5.8...'
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Was it good for you, Stockholm?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Cos it was good for me. Let's have a smoke.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Eat that, MacElroy.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied.- You're high.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie. From the United States,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34SCREAMING
0:09:34 > 0:09:35You're fired.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37What? I brought you a gold medal!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40No, you brought me half a gold medal. If I wanted him to share,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42I'd have bought him a brother.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46It's raining men in the men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And they join Team USA's other gold medallists,
0:09:49 > 0:09:52the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59America's brother-and-sister darlings.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02The gold standard of pairs figure skating.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07Children of beloved Swiss skiing gold medallists, Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10the twin dynamos, Stranz and Fairchild, burst out of the womb
0:10:10 > 0:10:14and onto the ice while their sister, Katie, cheered from the sidelines.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Theirs seemed to be a charmed life until March 14th, 1987,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22when their parents died tragically in a car crash. Katie would survive.
0:10:22 > 0:10:29The world wondered, had Stranz and Fairchild gone into a layback spin from which they could never recover?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30But the siblings' commitment was such
0:10:30 > 0:10:33that they were back in the training rink within hours of the funeral.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37So tonight, the crowd cheers on their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Stranz and Fairchild, how heavy is that gold around your necks?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Scott, this may be solid gold but to us it's lighter than air
0:10:44 > 0:10:47because dreams never weigh you down.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49No. Dreams are in your sleep.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52What about the amazing Michaels and MacElroy? Two gold medals?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Yeah. That's great.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Speaking of gold medals, the winners of the men's singles
0:10:58 > 0:11:01are taking their place at the podium right now.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04MUSIC: "The Star-spangled Banner"
0:11:04 > 0:11:06CHEERING
0:11:06 > 0:11:09This has to be a proud moment for Michaels and MacElroy.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13You have to think, the only thing sweeter than winning a gold medal
0:11:13 > 0:11:16is sharing it with your fellow countryman.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21- Gosh, I'm getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat. - Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Just scoot over, man. - You scoot over.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Now there's some jostling atop the podium and down goes
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Chazz Michael Michaels.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- MacElroy's also down now. - I have never in all my years seen
0:11:36 > 0:11:39anything this disgraceful on the world stage.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I am stunned silent, absolutely silent, Jim.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Get that damned bird out of my face before I break its neck.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48A perfect head butt! Down goes MacElroy!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52And Spaetzle's aflame! Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08CRYING
0:12:08 > 0:12:11As we prepare to hear testimony, Michaels and MacElroy
0:12:11 > 0:12:15will be given a chance to defend their actions at Stockholm.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23We love you, Jimmy.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31- Hey.- You an official here? Cos you have officially given me a boner.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43GAVEL BANGS
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Let's get started, shall we?
0:12:45 > 0:12:50If either one of you would like to make a statement before the commission passes judgment,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52you may do so at this time.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Fans, friends, esteemed members of the committee,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I don't know what I can say, but I pray you can all forgive me.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05More than that, I pray the children can forgive me.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Oh, my God(!)- I place my future in their tiny hands.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- That is retarded.- God bless you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13God bless everyone. Thank you.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16God bless you, Jimmy. God bless your heart.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Maxim. Last issue.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating".
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Boom!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30CHEERING
0:13:30 > 0:13:32All right, duly noted.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37In accordance with the rules of the International Skating Federation,
0:13:37 > 0:13:41James MacElroy and Charles Michael Michaels,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- you are to be stripped of your medals.- What?
0:13:44 > 0:13:48And banned from men's figure skating for the remainder of your lives.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Hey, you listen to me, old man!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Oh, that sucks.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54SCREAMING
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I'm going to pop you in the back of the head!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Banned for life. That's a long time.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Jimmy, it'll all work out.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- It's time for a fresh start. - Yeah, a fresh start, exactly.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Good. Jimmy, I'm un-adopting you.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- What?- I don't think un-adopting is the right word.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Legally, I'm disowning you.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21But it amounts to the same thing, so.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- But I've been your son for 26 years. - 22, so nobody can say I didn't try.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28We've had a good run. Now, I think it would be best
0:14:28 > 0:14:31for all of us if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38It would make it easier for me, Jimmy, if you left now.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Wait!- It's like a Band-Aid.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Just rip it off. We'll both feel better.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Hey, everybody, get your tickets for the second show.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Second show tickets now available.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24# Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# We sing a grublet song
0:15:27 > 0:15:29# We love to roam our woodsy home
0:15:29 > 0:15:33# Of greenery and scenery and song
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
0:15:35 > 0:15:37# A grublet sings along. #
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Oh, God.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44I hate you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I hate my life.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Boo!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57EVIL CACKLING
0:16:07 > 0:16:11I mean, I had it with skating for the judges, you know?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Just like, I don't need that.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I mean, for me, it's so much more satisfying to see
0:16:16 > 0:16:20the eyes of a small child, seeing that wonder as they see you
0:16:20 > 0:16:23skate out there with a big wizard head on, you know?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Nice. Really nice.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Sammy, come on, baby. You knew this was how I rolled when you met me.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41No. When I met you, you were a great figure skater.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Now you're getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- I don't even know who you are any more.- You're living in the past.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the here and now.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55And we're feeling so free. Come on, join us. Woo! Baby.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Come on, babe.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Hey, Michaels! Let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Second show's almost three-quarters full. You drunk?
0:17:03 > 0:17:04No.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07But this ought to do it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12I would fire you if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15You smell like urine.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16A lot?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Get your head on.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26They don't feel right.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28That's because I'm not finished.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30You see, it helps to think of the laces as belonging
0:17:30 > 0:17:33to three distinct groups. First, the foundation.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- Ow! They're too tight. Daddy! - Yup?- He's crushing me.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Doing it right takes a little bit longer, but it's worth it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Hey, what are you doing? She said it's too tight.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46But she's wrong. I mean, who are you going to trust,
0:17:46 > 0:17:48a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy? - Is there a problem here, sir?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Yeah, this kid is torturing my daughter's foot.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I'm so sorry, sir. You know what, Jimmy?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Off the skates, you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Hey, Jimmy.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Hector? What are you doing here?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15You know I have a restraining order against you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Oh, that thing?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20You look great, Jimmy. You look amazing.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Your hair rocks.- Thanks.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27You look so good. Oh, my gosh. Do you look at yourself?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- It's coming up.- Yeah, listen,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36it's great to see you, Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- OK, I'll cut to the chase. You got to start skating again, Jimmy.- What?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It's embarrassing stalking a has-been, know what I mean?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47I almost gave up on you and started working with that Ukrainian skater,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50the one that looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine
0:18:50 > 0:18:53and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58I sympathise with you, Hector, I really do, but there's nothing I can do. I'm banned for life.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03Don't be so sure. Section 14, paragraph G.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"A lifetime ban is irrevocable and the banned skater
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"can never again compete in any Federation-sanctioned tournament
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"that exists in such a skater's division".
0:19:12 > 0:19:18You see? You're only banned from your division, men's singles.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23You can still compete in pairs skating. Pairs.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29How is this possible?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I had so many lawyers work on so many appeals.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Because nobody can obsess like I can.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Good luck, Jimmy.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Oh, and I'm still going to kill you someday.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Boo!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Ha-ha-ha!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Hey, little forest creatures.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You hear me?
0:20:09 > 0:20:15Hey, Chazz. Come on. It's Gary. What are you doing?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel. Now, listen up.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Gary's been a long-time friend.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22We've been skating for two and a half years.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson
0:20:26 > 0:20:28and Gary said, "I've got a third ball".
0:20:28 > 0:20:31RETCHING
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Damn it. I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Another layer to the legend.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40I am nothing but a human onion.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42In fact, we all are.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Oh, encore.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets On Ice will be cancelled
0:20:47 > 0:20:50until further notice. No refunds will be given.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53BOOING
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Bring it on!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Let it rain down on me.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04There's a loophole. I was banned from men's singles but not pairs.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- I can skate in the winter sport Games again.- I knew it.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I knew after three years, you just weren't checking in.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- I moved on, Jimmy. You got to move on, too.- But I'm a skater.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14There's nothing to move on to,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17except for winning the gold again and keeping it this time.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19You know how hard it is to find a partner?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Even if you did, you've got to qualify for Nationals.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- That's a month away, sign-up is in two days.- It can't be that hard.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy. It's like a cruel bitch mother.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33She'll seduce you with chocolates and roses
0:21:33 > 0:21:37and then kick you to the side of the road like a dead raccoon.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Forget it. I got to go.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It's good to see you.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Wait, Coach!
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Jimmy MacElroy?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Another great walking through the halls of the Grublets.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Welcome to my little production.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14If you're here to thank me for firing Chazz Michaels,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- it was my pleasure.- Chazz was here?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Yeah, unfortunately, but it's fantastic that you are here.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24And yes, no need to ask, I'll consider you for a position.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I'm not looking for a job. I'm actually looking for a female skater
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- to compete with me at Nationals. - Are you trying to skater poach?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- No.- You trying to break up my family?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Why don't you get out of here before I throw down?
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Hey, where you going?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Michaels.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00MacElroy.
0:23:00 > 0:23:00I see you got fat.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl, but not hot.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- You crushed my dreams.- Dreams? Shit. I haven't had one of those in years.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Zip it, Chazz, or I will punch you in your crap lousy face.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- Hey, this ends tonight. - It's daytime, you douche.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Now it's on!- You're so fat!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24"Figure skating fans got more than they bargained for today
0:23:24 > 0:23:29"when a children's ice show was interrupted by a street fight between two former champions.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34"Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels, once at the top of the skating world,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- "picked up today where they left off more than three years..." - REWINDS
0:23:54 > 0:23:59"Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy as gold medallists who became banned from competition for life.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02"I sat down with Michaels and he's a complex man."
0:24:02 > 0:24:06"I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Two men skating together? That's a riot.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29That's a laugh riot.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- I don't see what's so funny.- If you were as drunk as me, you would.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Look, Coach, I know I said I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Even if we wanted to, they'd never allow it.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41There's nothing in the rule book that says you can't.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45That's not my style. Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone. OK?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47That means no coach and no partner.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Especially not a dude.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Especially not the precious and pampered Richie Rich.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- You don't know what you're talking about.- I know more than you think I know.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- I know more than you know you know. - You could never keep up with my flawless technique.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03That's why I floored you in '02 and the spring of '99.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Technique doesn't get you 18 medals and a Kristi Yamaguchi Lifetime Achievement Award.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12- I am figure skating.- Stop it! For three years I've been trying to get over the nightmare you two created.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19Now maybe underneath all your bullshit, we can still find something beautiful.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I don't know, Coach.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- I mean, I'm really desperate to win that gold, but...- But what?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29How's the partner search coming, kid? What's so funny, Cool Whip?
0:25:29 > 0:25:35- You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 hookers?- I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41The registration for the National Finals closes in exactly 12 hours.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Now, let me ask you boys a question.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Do you wanna make history?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53No way. This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- I could hold it all day long. Try me. - You challenging me, Princess?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party. - Then bring it on!- It IS on!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Good. We're in agreement then.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- What?- Welcome back to competitive skating, gentlemen.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'll pick you up in the morning.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12A little help?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Here we go.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Show time.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN 2.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32So, let me ask you, any thoughts on the competition? And what does a new gold medal mean for you?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36It doesn't mean as much as winning America's hearts. That's very important to us.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Now, we haven't seen you in about three and a half years.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- What have you been up to?- Skating.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45Now, apparently, you're dedicating this performance to the children of the world...
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Sorry.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Chazz, fill this out.- No.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Yes. I'll get yours, Jimmy.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- Who is that girl? - You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister? - Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Mind bottling, isn't it?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- Did you just say "mind bottling?" - Yeah, mind bottling.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16When things are so crazy, it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23What are you two doing here?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25You know damn well I'm not letting either of you sign up.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- They're banned.- I'm not here to sign up Michaels or MacElroy.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33I'm here to sign up the pairs team of Michaels AND MacElroy.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Thank you.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Now, there's your front-page headline.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Jimmy, can you wave to the fans?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44So, Jimmy and Chazz together and no fighting, huh?
0:27:49 > 0:27:54Two men skating together and in our division, no less. Why, Stranz?
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Why is God singling us out for the greatest suffering the world has ever known?
0:27:58 > 0:28:03- I don't know, Sis. Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks. - Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07Makes my blood boil. All they're doing is just leeching the dignity out of our beloved sport.
0:28:07 > 0:28:12You know, I'm not a violent person, but I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Guys, maybe, maybe if you concentrate on the skating,
0:28:15 > 0:28:19people will forget all the hype and they'll focus on the purity of the sport
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and the spirit of honest competition.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- You guys just want to cheat again, don't you?- That's a good idea.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Katie, please, will you just take this camcorder, OK?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33I don't know how to turn it on. Thank you.
0:28:33 > 0:28:38- I'm not spying for you again.- We're just asking you to discreetly tape their routines.- Find someone else.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44- What's that, Mother?- Don't.
0:28:44 > 0:28:49You and Father are sad that you were killed driving Katie to her ice skating lesson all those years ago?
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- Yeah. Me, too. - Remember how they used to be alive?
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Papa? I can't hear you, Papa.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57What are you... You're crying?
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
0:29:01 > 0:29:05- Fine, I'll do it.- Yes. Now you're playing for team Van Waldenberg.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13All right. You'll be staying here for the duration.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22You're gonna skate as a pair, you'll live as a pair.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25And if you're at all interested in self-preservation,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28you take off your shoes before you set foot on the Berber.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Why would we step in baby food?
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- He's talking about the carpet. Berber?- What are you? The Rug Doctor?
0:29:34 > 0:29:42- Maybe I am.- I'm the rug master. - What does that even mean?- Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46- Bunk beds?- I don't share rooms.
0:29:46 > 0:29:52- I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me. - It's dark for everyone, moron.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59All right, this is gonna stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02You are going to eat together, sleep together.
0:30:02 > 0:30:07You are going to pee together. You're gonna file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now.
0:30:07 > 0:30:08End of discussion.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20I just put those into order.
0:30:20 > 0:30:21I need some counter space too.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Mane 'n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?
0:30:27 > 0:30:32- Yes, it is.- Do you use this stuff on your hair?- Uh-huh.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35For a lustrous coat. Does this actually work?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37You bet your ass it does.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out on the ice.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46And then I brush my hair 100 times with this.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Cool brush.
0:30:51 > 0:30:52Not just a brush
0:30:52 > 0:30:55but a Verticoli.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Handmade in Italy. They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
0:30:58 > 0:31:05They only make 11 of them a year. This one cost me 12,000 or 30 million lira.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09Perfectly balanced, low drag, minimal torque.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11How minimal?
0:31:11 > 0:31:12I bet you'd like to know.
0:31:12 > 0:31:17Help yourself to the Mane 'n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Cos I will knock your block off.
0:31:20 > 0:31:25No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby as much as I love this brush.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35- I call top.- Sorry, I already called it in my head.
0:31:35 > 0:31:40- No. You can't do that. That doesn't count.- Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43You're in Chazz's world now.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46You know what? I permanently called shotgun.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49You do not get shotgun every time. What is this place?
0:31:49 > 0:31:51It smells like fish.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Sweet.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56This ice has not been properly Zambonied.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58- And where's the warm-down room? - We don't have any of that.
0:31:58 > 0:32:03It's a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
0:32:03 > 0:32:04Nice choice, Coach.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Turned out well.
0:32:08 > 0:32:14The dance lift, the press lift, the twist lift, the side-by-side jump, the throw jump.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16All of these are weapons in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19And, used properly, they can slay your opponent.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Used improperly, you can break every bone in your body.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
0:32:36 > 0:32:41- You know what, dude, your hand has to be on top.- No way. The girl's goes on top.- Yeah. Ergo chick.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- I'm not the girl. I'm stronger. - No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- Fat ass?- It doesn't really matter, it's waltz position.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51One guy, you put your, just...
0:32:51 > 0:32:55See that? It's pure pec, bicep and tricep.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Jimmy, get off your hands. You're gonna need those later. Now, come on.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01- All right. OK, you know what? I can do something cool, too. - Chazz. Chazz.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05You think you're so tough. Huh? I'm not fat. I can do this.
0:33:05 > 0:33:11- Chazz, put your skates back on. - No, it's too late. They're off. Look, I'm like lightning.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14- Put your skates back on. What are you doing?- Yeah. God, that burns.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- Oh, yeah?- Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy! Damn it!
0:33:17 > 0:33:19- Watch my icy hot super slide. - Do it.- I will.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23It's not gonna matter cos you're flat in front, like Ken.
0:33:40 > 0:33:41- You're the girl.- What?
0:33:41 > 0:33:44You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
0:33:44 > 0:33:48- Why?- Because you whine like one. And no-one can lift your fat ass.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- You're on a diet, starting now. - What are you talking about? - Let's go! Come on!
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Is this about my muscular, thick thighs?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
0:33:57 > 0:34:01- You got another five miles, then you get a LUNA bar.- Come on!
0:34:02 > 0:34:06So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09- Really?- We're gonna skate to one song, one song only.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14# What you gonna do with all that junk All that junk inside my trunk
0:34:14 > 0:34:16# I'm gonna get you, get you drunk
0:34:16 > 0:34:18# Get you drunk off my lady hump
0:34:18 > 0:34:20# My hump, my hump My lovely lady hump... #
0:34:20 > 0:34:23I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27- I don't even know what that means. - No-one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29No, it's not. It's gross.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33- It gets the people going. - That's enough! Why do you guys keep doing that?
0:34:44 > 0:34:47You didn't see shit!
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- Coach!- Shut up!
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Throw me some chicken!
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Two men. Together.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- You're really gonna go through with this, huh?- Oh, yeah, course.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Why not? I mean, I need your help. What do you say?
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Look, I'm just a choreographer. What do I know?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Bring them by the dance studio tomorrow.
0:35:09 > 0:35:14I'm not a magician. I ain't making no promises. I'm just saying that I'ma do what I can do.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15Your problem is your boundaries.
0:35:15 > 0:35:20That ends today. Out on my dance floor you won't know where one man's body ends and another begins.
0:35:20 > 0:35:26Because if you can't dance with a man, you damn sure can't skate with a man. All right? So come on, let's go.
0:35:26 > 0:35:31- Jimmy.- Yeah. That's what I thought.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33That a boy, Jimmy. Come on. OK.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Break it down. Show me what you got.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40OK. That's a start. That is a start.
0:36:06 > 0:36:10If you tense your face, you're gonna make it harder for yourselves.
0:36:10 > 0:36:11Just enable.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Rewind it. I wanna see his head bang down again.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31No. No, no. You act right or you leave my studio.
0:36:31 > 0:36:32Beautiful butterfly into a prayer.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Nice.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Chazz, release to Jimmy. Easy, see? Release.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49- Yes.- No. No.
0:37:04 > 0:37:09- You nailed it!- Yes, I did. See that? Pure power. You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Maybe if you released me at that quarter-turn, I wouldn't have to save your ass with my landing.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14It's called improvisation. Even your precious Kenny G does it.
0:37:14 > 0:37:18Well, at least they're getting the moves down.
0:37:18 > 0:37:22Yeah, but can they do it in front of five judges and 30 million people?
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Denver, Colorado, last stop on the road to the World Wintersport Games in Montreal.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32The finest skaters from all over the country have trained tirelessly
0:37:32 > 0:37:35for years for their chance to make it onto the world stage.
0:37:35 > 0:37:40But all those stories have been eclipsed now by what many dub the ideshow of the century.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46The anxiety was palpable when they arrived this morning
0:37:46 > 0:37:49as the skating community continued to voice its outrage.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Those two are turning this sport into a freak show.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54As if figure skating wasn't gay enough already.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Let me show you something.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Does that look right to you?
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Nothing in here about two men skating.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04That blond chick's a dude? Oh, man.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Now let's join Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
0:38:07 > 0:38:13as they wind up their routine - an edgy look at urban culture told in the language of the streets.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16And boy, look at them! They are really having fun with this.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18The bling is king.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21This pair is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Wow! Flawless, as always.
0:38:36 > 0:38:41These two blue-eyed funk machines are going to find themselves popping and locking their way
0:38:41 > 0:38:43to the championship in Montreal.
0:38:43 > 0:38:48And those good vibrations seem to have spread all the way through this arena.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51What, what!
0:38:55 > 0:38:58You guys are up.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00And now the moment this crowd has been waiting for.
0:39:00 > 0:39:06And how is this going to work? Completely different skaters, known to be enemies of one another,
0:39:06 > 0:39:10combining to be the first male-male pair team in the history of the sport.
0:39:10 > 0:39:17Either the locked-in technical style of MacElroy will not mesh with Michaels' improvisations
0:39:17 > 0:39:21or they create great music together and reinvent the sport in their own image.
0:39:26 > 0:39:31- They're laughing at us.- They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Now he's up there laughing at them.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Well, they titled this routine Fire and Ice.
0:39:41 > 0:39:48They've always been that way as competitors, as individuals and now as a pair team? So appropriate.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40So far, so good.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49Their first move's so difficult. Throw triple Axel.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51First throw.
0:40:51 > 0:40:58- Man down. - What an unbelievably disastrous beginning to this routine!
0:40:58 > 0:41:00I've never fallen once in competition.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Come on. Take my hand.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05We can do this.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10- And they're up. - Come on, Denver, get off your asses!
0:41:10 > 0:41:14- Let's go!- And the crowd responds.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16It's the first time they've shown them any level of support.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25Side by side double Axels! Beautifully delivered!
0:41:28 > 0:41:34And again, a male-male pair team. They're doing things that no other pair would dare to do.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49Incredible!
0:42:02 > 0:42:06So many moves in this programme I've never heard of before.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14Yes!
0:42:23 > 0:42:26Unbelievable finish to an incredible routine!
0:42:26 > 0:42:29- And they've won this crowd over!- Yes!
0:42:32 > 0:42:36This might be enough to send them to Montreal as the first
0:42:36 > 0:42:41male-male representatives this sport has ever seen. History in the making.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54Yeah!
0:43:02 > 0:43:04We love you, Denver!
0:43:04 > 0:43:07City by the bay! John Denver!
0:43:11 > 0:43:13- Was the fire really necessary? - Ask them.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- That's what I'm talking about! - I'm so proud of you. Good job.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25What up, homes?
0:43:28 > 0:43:32- You guys were great out there. - Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34I know. Katie.
0:43:34 > 0:43:35I know.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41I like your buttons.
0:43:44 > 0:43:47- Good luck! - You too.- Did you see that?
0:43:47 > 0:43:49They were actually pretty good.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51Way to go. None of what they did was on your video.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54- Let's not let them get into our heads.- Into our head?
0:43:54 > 0:43:58Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the Funky Bunch.
0:43:59 > 0:44:015.8, 6.0.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Yes! We're going to Montreal, bitch!
0:44:03 > 0:44:08Well, it's all smiles here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10You're the guys everybody's talking about. How does it feel?
0:44:10 > 0:44:15You know, we're just so grateful for this wonderful opportunity to be out here on the ice again...
0:44:15 > 0:44:18Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from hell, OK?
0:44:18 > 0:44:22We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott.
0:44:22 > 0:44:28- I'm not gonna say wow, but wow! - They got by on 97% adrenaline and 3% bullshit.
0:44:28 > 0:44:33If they wanna take home the gold, they gotta do something spectacular.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Robert, I know where this is going. How many times do you have to make the same mistake?
0:44:36 > 0:44:41Till I get it right. You gotta trust me, Jesse.
0:44:41 > 0:44:44I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in a cage of fear.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54Do you mind?
0:44:54 > 0:44:59- I'm trying to eat here. - Just thought you'd like to see what a skater's body really looks like.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
0:45:02 > 0:45:06Looking's for free. Touching's gonna cost you something.
0:45:08 > 0:45:14Checking out my ink? Some people refer to me as the Illustrated Man.
0:45:14 > 0:45:17Each tattoo tells a different tale.
0:45:17 > 0:45:22- They're like chapters of my life. - Really? So, what's that one about?
0:45:23 > 0:45:26That one represents the dragon lady.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated figure skater in US history?
0:45:32 > 0:45:35- You tapped that?- Sure did.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37But perfection can drive a woman mad.
0:45:37 > 0:45:43She was ready to quit, hang up her skates, settle down and pump out a few little Chazzlings.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
0:45:45 > 0:45:48So, what's that one with the horse?
0:45:49 > 0:45:51My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
0:45:51 > 0:45:53Not Oksana Baiul?
0:45:53 > 0:46:00At 16, she won the gold, turned pro, and was named one of Barbara Walters' most fascinating persons of 1994.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04Yeah. But don't let her fool you. She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
0:46:04 > 0:46:06She's like dry ice.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09Wait. She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?
0:46:09 > 0:46:13- I don't know.- I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
0:46:16 > 0:46:20What about that one on your shoulder? Who's that?
0:46:20 > 0:46:22That one? It's nothing.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25What about you? You got any tats?
0:46:25 > 0:46:28I had my face painted at the Blueberry Festival one year.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31Seems about right.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33Well, I could have one. I could have a killer one.
0:46:33 > 0:46:38I have a crush on the enemy, Katie Van Waldenberg.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40Good choice, my man.
0:46:40 > 0:46:42How's that for forbidden love?
0:46:42 > 0:46:45I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48- Wait. What are you doing? - I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
0:46:48 > 0:46:51- I can't do that. It's crazy. - It's not crazy.
0:46:51 > 0:46:52What am I supposed to say? No, you can't. I can't.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54It's ringing. Go.
0:46:56 > 0:46:57Sorry.
0:46:57 > 0:47:00Maybe it's Nike.
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Van Waldenberg Companies.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Talk. Relax.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08Is Katie there?
0:47:08 > 0:47:12- It's MacElroy, for her. - What? For me? Why?
0:47:12 > 0:47:14- I can't do it.- I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
0:47:17 > 0:47:22- 'Hello.'- OK. "Yo. It's the Mac attack. What up? "
0:47:22 > 0:47:26Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
0:47:26 > 0:47:29OK. Say, "Oh, my, you're just catching me getting out of the shower".
0:47:29 > 0:47:31Sell yourself.
0:47:31 > 0:47:35You know, you just caught me getting out of the shower.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37- She just got out of the shower. - Oh, me likey.
0:47:37 > 0:47:41- No. I have to call her back. - No! Are you insane? Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
0:47:41 > 0:47:46"I gotta get me one of those cos I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts."
0:47:46 > 0:47:48Um, I gotta...
0:47:48 > 0:47:53Yeah, shower. I need one of those cos I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard.
0:47:56 > 0:47:59- Squat thrusts are hard.- Real hard. - Real hard.
0:47:59 > 0:48:03They're hard, all right. But it's worth it to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh.
0:48:03 > 0:48:08It's worth it to get a deep burn in my sweet thighs.
0:48:08 > 0:48:12You know how you can soothe a nasty burn?
0:48:12 > 0:48:14Pour some sweet cream on it.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18Do you know what you can do for a burn? Pour sweet cream on it.
0:48:18 > 0:48:19Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
0:48:19 > 0:48:25OK, say, "Sounds to me like your cream needs to be whipped", and then go...
0:48:26 > 0:48:31Um, I was wondering if you wanted to get a snow cone sometime?
0:48:31 > 0:48:32- What?- Yeah.
0:48:32 > 0:48:34I would like to get a snow cone.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37I haven't had a snow cone in a couple of years, actually.
0:48:37 > 0:48:39No, you have to be sexy. Say you want a snow boner. Snow boner.
0:48:39 > 0:48:428 o'clock tonight. That sounds great.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45It will "get me time to get my jugs waxed".
0:48:45 > 0:48:48OK. Well, I'll see you.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51What happened? What's the word?
0:48:51 > 0:48:538 o'clock tonight. We did it!
0:48:53 > 0:48:56Oh, my God!
0:48:56 > 0:48:58Nice lift.
0:48:58 > 0:49:02All right, listen up. You guys barely squeaked by at Nationals.
0:49:02 > 0:49:07How are we gonna compete against teams that have been doing this for years? There's only one way.
0:49:07 > 0:49:11OK. What do you guys have that none of the other teams have?
0:49:11 > 0:49:13- Twin dongs?- Exactly.
0:49:13 > 0:49:17We have to do something that only two men can do together.
0:49:17 > 0:49:19Something never seen before.
0:49:19 > 0:49:22Jesse, put in the tape.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
0:49:31 > 0:49:32Thank you.
0:49:32 > 0:49:38Jimmy, I never told you this before, but I used to coach pairs.
0:49:38 > 0:49:40I was on track to head up the Olympic squad.
0:49:40 > 0:49:43I wanted it badly, so I developed a move.
0:49:43 > 0:49:47A move the likes of which the world had never seen before.
0:49:47 > 0:49:51A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
0:49:51 > 0:49:55that it would have catapulted the team that stuck it straight to the top.
0:49:56 > 0:50:02And like many revolutionary ideas, it just scared the shit out of the establishment.
0:50:02 > 0:50:04So I quit.
0:50:04 > 0:50:10And I took it to the one place on earth batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12- North Korea.- Of course.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it
0:50:17 > 0:50:19The Iron Lotus.
0:50:27 > 0:50:29Look at the grace, the beauty.
0:50:29 > 0:50:31They almost have it, until...
0:50:33 > 0:50:35Oh, my gosh.
0:50:40 > 0:50:44- OK. What do you say, let's give it a try?- Are you nuts?
0:50:44 > 0:50:46What? That's crazy.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49See, after all these years, I know what went wrong.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51The physics were off.
0:50:51 > 0:50:56It was a man and a woman, that's why it didn't work. You're two men. You should be fine.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01Be warned. The Iron Lotus demands your respect.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Jimmy, you've gotta be willing to improvise.
0:51:05 > 0:51:09You two are the last pieces of the puzzle. Go on! Fit them together.
0:51:15 > 0:51:16Keep your speed up.
0:51:16 > 0:51:18Keep it up!
0:51:20 > 0:51:23Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
0:51:31 > 0:51:34My nut-sack!
0:51:35 > 0:51:39You gotta be careful, man. Unlike you, I actually use these things.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42Oh, yeah? Well... Well... Well, yeah, you're right.
0:51:42 > 0:51:45I'll try to be more careful next time. Sorry.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls into the discussion.
0:51:49 > 0:51:53That was uncalled for. They're fine, I overreacted.
0:51:53 > 0:51:57All right, gentlemen, let's get up and try it again.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Let's do this.
0:52:11 > 0:52:16This was my favourite place growing up. By the way, you look really nice.
0:52:16 > 0:52:22- Oh, really? I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.- Oh, thanks.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25Foy, can I have another blue one?
0:52:25 > 0:52:29You guys were so good at Nationals, it scared my brother and sister.
0:52:29 > 0:52:33- They wanted me to spy on you. - Really?
0:52:33 > 0:52:37- Is that why you're going out with me right now?- No! Really.
0:52:38 > 0:52:40I don't care if they win.
0:52:40 > 0:52:45I don't care about skating at all. I mean, really, what's so great about skating, anyway?
0:52:45 > 0:52:50It's basically just gliding, trying not to fall, with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
0:52:50 > 0:52:52And spandex and glitter.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54Egos.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56Ice blows.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01- Sorry.- But it's not the ice.
0:53:01 > 0:53:05It's what the ice lets you do. Out there,
0:53:05 > 0:53:07I feel like I can do anything.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10It's the only place where life makes sense.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16- You've never skated? - When I was a kid, a little.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19But my brother and sister don't like anyone to steal their focus.
0:53:19 > 0:53:23My life was nothing but focus. You know what I got for my 10th birthday?
0:53:23 > 0:53:27A six-pack of protein shakes and a subscription to Men's Health.
0:53:27 > 0:53:29I didn't have a 10th birthday.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32My sister told all my friends I was in jail for armed robbery.
0:53:32 > 0:53:36When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised to minimise wind resistance.
0:53:36 > 0:53:40While driving me to skating practice, my parents were in a fatal accident.
0:53:40 > 0:53:44My brother and sister blame me for their death and they force me to work for them like a slave.
0:54:04 > 0:54:09Wow. I never really thought of that as a romantic story before.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice with your wiener?
0:54:22 > 0:54:26All right, ladies, tea party's over.
0:54:26 > 0:54:30We got two days till Montreal. I want to see an Iron Lotus.
0:54:36 > 0:54:38OK, try it again.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41You're going to kill him! Watch the blade!
0:54:41 > 0:54:43Come on!
0:54:46 > 0:54:48Try it again!
0:54:52 > 0:54:55One more. I'm really close.
0:55:01 > 0:55:07Hello and welcome, everyone, to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
0:55:09 > 0:55:14The world turns its eyes now to this frozen sanctuary as the globe's finest
0:55:14 > 0:55:19athletes arrive to compete and to revel in the glory that is sport.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22And so now we are honoured to bring you the wonder,
0:55:22 > 0:55:28pageantry and spectacle of these, the 20th World Wintersport Games.
0:55:34 > 0:55:38Didn't you once say, and I quote, "Jimmy MacElroy is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
0:55:38 > 0:55:40- He would never say such a... - Yes, I did.
0:55:40 > 0:55:44But I was referring to the precision and beauty of robots.
0:55:44 > 0:55:46If they'd published the rest of the quote...
0:55:46 > 0:55:48They did publish the rest of your quote.
0:55:48 > 0:55:55You go on to say, "I've had lint at the top of my ass crack with more personality than that Daddy's boy".
0:55:55 > 0:55:57All right, Mr Smart Reporter, showing off.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00You figured out how to work the Google on the internet machine.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Well, here's a new quote for you, all right?
0:56:02 > 0:56:06Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating. Boom!
0:56:06 > 0:56:08Boom!
0:56:08 > 0:56:12Jimmy! Has pairs skating helped your popularity?
0:56:12 > 0:56:14Absolutely.
0:56:14 > 0:56:16I have the best fans in the world.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19I mean, WE have the best fans in the world.
0:56:22 > 0:56:24SHE SPEAKS JAPANESE
0:56:24 > 0:56:26No, that's in the other room.
0:56:26 > 0:56:30HE SPEAKS JAPANESE
0:56:34 > 0:56:37Boom. Nice.
0:56:40 > 0:56:43Great! Press loves them, and now so do the sponsors.
0:56:43 > 0:56:45Stranz! So, Katie,
0:56:45 > 0:56:47it looks like your date went really well the other night, huh?
0:56:47 > 0:56:50What? I guess so. Why?
0:56:50 > 0:56:53No reason. I was just wondering how it went. Did it go well?
0:56:53 > 0:56:56Yeah, we had snow cones. And we saw this ice sculpture.
0:56:56 > 0:56:58- We want you to turn your attention to Chazz now.- What?
0:56:58 > 0:57:03MacElroy's heart is like a beautiful apple that's in your hand and now you need to bite it.
0:57:03 > 0:57:06- Nothing breaks up a team faster than...- Herpes.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08Jealousy.
0:57:08 > 0:57:12No. I'm not gonna make Chazz Michael Michaels fall in love with me.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16- Who's talking about love? We just want you to have sex with him.- I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19Come on, Katie. Do the honourable thing here.
0:57:19 > 0:57:23The honourable thing is to walk away and that is exactly what I'm doing.
0:57:23 > 0:57:26OK. Stranz, let her go. It's OK. She's made up her mind.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28We'll just move on to Plan B.
0:57:29 > 0:57:31What's Plan B?
0:57:31 > 0:57:34I'm sorry, don't worry about that. You stood your ground. We respect that.
0:57:34 > 0:57:37But if something should happen to your new boyfriend's leg,
0:57:37 > 0:57:41I don't know, under his knee, or above his ankle,
0:57:41 > 0:57:44at least you did the honourable thing.
0:57:49 > 0:57:55- Where are you going? - Sex addicts meeting. Turn weakness into strength.
0:57:55 > 0:57:59- Good for you.- Thanks, brother man. Have a good night.- See ya!
0:58:02 > 0:58:04This must be for you.
0:58:15 > 0:58:19So glad you're all here. OK, let's get started.
0:58:20 > 0:58:23Chazz, would you like to start the day off by sharing?
0:58:24 > 0:58:27I was just trying to find some peace.
0:58:27 > 0:58:31A haven, a place where I could feel safe.
0:58:31 > 0:58:33And then what happened?
0:58:34 > 0:58:36Well, she was my yoga instructor.
0:58:38 > 0:58:40So I knew she was limber.
0:58:40 > 0:58:44- Yeah.- But, Chazz, you realise this would just set you back
0:58:44 > 0:58:49and further hurt your progress in maintaining control over your libido, correct?
0:58:49 > 0:58:52Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54Definitely.
0:58:54 > 0:59:00Until her friend, a massage therapist, walked in the door naked.
0:59:00 > 0:59:01Easy, Chazz.
0:59:01 > 0:59:05With a big bottle of canola oil and a monkey who was trained to work on a video camera.
0:59:05 > 0:59:08And she rocked my world.
0:59:08 > 0:59:13Guys! Chazz, I have asked you to leave before and I don't wanna do it again.
0:59:13 > 0:59:15Taylor, come on, man.
0:59:15 > 0:59:19Let's just move on. Who'd like to talk about chlamydia?
0:59:19 > 0:59:21Syphilis, gonorrhea, etc. Should we...
0:59:21 > 0:59:25Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was...
0:59:25 > 0:59:27having sex.
0:59:27 > 0:59:30- A lot.- Welcome.
0:59:30 > 0:59:32Welcome. Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?
0:59:32 > 0:59:34(I know her.)
0:59:34 > 0:59:35I'm Katie.
0:59:35 > 0:59:37And?
0:59:37 > 0:59:40Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
0:59:40 > 0:59:43- ALL: Hi, Katie.- Hey, Katie.
0:59:43 > 0:59:46Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
0:59:46 > 0:59:49Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
0:59:49 > 0:59:51Right. Right. I mean, you said it all.
0:59:51 > 0:59:55It's such a burden. I mean, people don't realise what we go through on a day to day basis.
0:59:55 > 0:59:58Come to my room tonight and we can comfort each other?
0:59:58 > 1:00:0011.55pm, sharp.
1:00:04 > 1:00:05Come on, people. Break it up!
1:00:15 > 1:00:19"God grant me the serenity not to have sex with my friend's girlfriend,
1:00:19 > 1:00:23"the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend's girlfriend
1:00:23 > 1:00:27"and the wisdom to know that masturbation is sometimes the most sensible solution."
1:00:27 > 1:00:30Yeah. OK.
1:00:32 > 1:00:34Oh, sweet Jesus.
1:00:34 > 1:00:37You're right on time. Come in.
1:00:37 > 1:00:42MUSIC: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
1:00:42 > 1:00:44Would you like some champagne?
1:00:44 > 1:00:46No, I can't, I...
1:00:46 > 1:00:48I just came by cos I had something I had to say to you.
1:00:48 > 1:00:50What?
1:00:50 > 1:00:53Do you have a bathrobe or a parka you could pu...
1:00:53 > 1:00:55Sorry. I'm hot.
1:00:55 > 1:01:00Wouldn't you feel more comfortable saying what you need to say from the bed?
1:01:00 > 1:01:03- Probably not.- It's a Posturepedic.
1:01:03 > 1:01:08Well, then, in that case, it's good for my back, so might as well try it.
1:01:09 > 1:01:13OK, here it goes. I know that sex...
1:01:13 > 1:01:17I know that sex addiction is a disease. Oh, God, they feel so good.
1:01:17 > 1:01:20Oh, God, this is so wrong. Jimmy's my friend. I'm not gonna do this.
1:01:20 > 1:01:23- Wait. Do you really mean that?- Yes. I think so.
1:01:23 > 1:01:24No.
1:01:24 > 1:01:28Yes, I do. I do. I can't go through with this.
1:01:28 > 1:01:30- Thank God.- Oh, God, what a relief. - Yeah.
1:01:30 > 1:01:32He's got a heart of gold.
1:01:32 > 1:01:36You... You... You sex demon!
1:01:36 > 1:01:38You... You sex fiend!
1:01:38 > 1:01:39No, you got it all wrong.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42Impure! Impure!
1:01:42 > 1:01:44- Jimmy, wait!- Brother man! - Nothing happened!
1:01:44 > 1:01:46Jimmy!
1:01:46 > 1:01:48Wait!
1:01:48 > 1:01:50- Jimmy!- Get away!
1:01:50 > 1:01:53Jimmy! No! Damn it.
1:01:57 > 1:02:01- Come on. Pick up. Come on, buddy. - MESSAGE: 'Hey, it's Jimmy.
1:02:01 > 1:02:03'If you can dream it, you can do it.'
1:02:03 > 1:02:04Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
1:02:04 > 1:02:08Look, what happened back there, so not a big deal.
1:02:08 > 1:02:12Just think of it as like a boob-handshake between me and your lady's...
1:02:12 > 1:02:17Look, that's not coming out right. I'll explain it. Call me back, please. It's me, Chazz.
1:02:18 > 1:02:21- BEEP - I'm committed to this thing called friendship.
1:02:21 > 1:02:26If you think I'm going anywhere, you're wrong. You know why? Because I will not back down, ever!
1:02:26 > 1:02:30- I've won a lot of radio contests cos I refused to get off the line. - END OF MESSAGE BEEP
1:02:30 > 1:02:34If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
1:02:34 > 1:02:36That's how much you mean to me.
1:02:36 > 1:02:37That was stupid that I said that.
1:02:37 > 1:02:41You know what? No. I don't think that's stupid. I'm glad that I said that.
1:02:41 > 1:02:43- BEEP - Hey, turd-face, guess what?
1:02:43 > 1:02:46I've taken all your teddy bears and I've stuffed them down my pants.
1:02:46 > 1:02:50Hey. Yikes. Sorry.
1:02:50 > 1:02:52- BEEP - For about a month,
1:02:52 > 1:02:55my urine smelled like marshmallows.
1:02:55 > 1:02:59- BEEP - # Don't wanna close my eyes
1:02:59 > 1:03:02# Don't wanna fall asleep
1:03:02 > 1:03:08# Cos I miss you, Jimmy And I don't wanna miss a thing
1:03:08 > 1:03:11# So call me back now! #
1:03:13 > 1:03:15RINGING TONE ON PHONE
1:03:15 > 1:03:18MESSAGE: 'It's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it.'
1:03:18 > 1:03:19Hey, it's me again.
1:03:19 > 1:03:23Jimmy, please, call me back, so I can explain.
1:03:23 > 1:03:25Hey!
1:03:25 > 1:03:29Wow! Nice work. Somebody got busy in a big way.
1:03:29 > 1:03:32Scene of the crime.
1:03:32 > 1:03:35- I didn't have sex with Chazz. - Fine. Make love. Whatever.
1:03:35 > 1:03:38- I didn't sleep with Chazz. - What?!- But congratulations!
1:03:38 > 1:03:42- I feel as slimy as if I had. - Where do you think you're going? - To make this right.
1:03:42 > 1:03:46- Jimmy needs to know the truth!- You would do that to your own family?
1:03:46 > 1:03:47Don't give me that guilt trip.
1:03:47 > 1:03:50After all we've done for you? After all you did to Mom and Dad?
1:03:50 > 1:03:57Mom and Dad were not wearing their seatbelts and they made an improper left-hand turn.
1:03:57 > 1:04:00Come on, Katie, don't go. We love you and stuff.
1:04:00 > 1:04:02Look, it's up to us, OK?
1:04:02 > 1:04:06We are forced to take Michaels and MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
1:04:06 > 1:04:09That might require some bad behaviour.
1:04:10 > 1:04:15Hello and welcome to Day 3 of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
1:04:15 > 1:04:20The best Chinese and Russian pairs have fallen away, setting up the ultimate gold medal showdown.
1:04:20 > 1:04:22Just two pairs remain. Both American.
1:04:22 > 1:04:26Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
1:04:26 > 1:04:27And it's come down to this.
1:04:27 > 1:04:29Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
1:04:29 > 1:04:32The big story is the men's pairs figure skating team
1:04:32 > 1:04:33of Michaels and MacElroy.
1:04:33 > 1:04:36These same-gendered sensations have taken centre ice
1:04:36 > 1:04:38in the hearts of millions of skating fans everywhere.
1:04:38 > 1:04:40They've literally taken this sport by storm.
1:04:40 > 1:04:43TELEPHONE RINGS
1:04:45 > 1:04:46Jimmy?
1:04:46 > 1:04:50Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
1:04:50 > 1:04:53He's been staring at a pack of gum for nine hours. What did you do to him?
1:04:53 > 1:04:55I'm on my way.
1:05:01 > 1:05:03Taxi!
1:05:08 > 1:05:13World Wintersport Games. And, yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
1:05:13 > 1:05:15- Hey, Stranz.- Hi.
1:05:16 > 1:05:21PA: 'Skaters, please clear the ice in preparation for the pairs competition.'
1:05:40 > 1:05:42Sorry, Chazz.
1:05:42 > 1:05:44Nothing personal.
1:05:45 > 1:05:51Actually, it's quite the opposite. See, your days of stealing the spotlight are over.
1:05:55 > 1:05:57You crazy bastard!
1:06:04 > 1:06:06Damn it.
1:06:12 > 1:06:14What are you doing?
1:06:18 > 1:06:22You are evil. Pure evil! Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
1:06:22 > 1:06:26- And most of all, your sister. - Don't even think about putting us in the same league.
1:06:26 > 1:06:29If she was half the woman I was, she would have done her job and slept
1:06:29 > 1:06:32- with your partner like I told her to.- She didn't?- No.
1:06:32 > 1:06:34She couldn't. Because of you.
1:06:34 > 1:06:36I don't get it.
1:06:38 > 1:06:42Gross. Get me out of here! Somebody help me!
1:07:00 > 1:07:03Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole.
1:07:03 > 1:07:04I'm late, sis.
1:07:04 > 1:07:07My hair is just not coop...erating.
1:07:09 > 1:07:11Oh, crap.
1:07:15 > 1:07:17OK.
1:07:19 > 1:07:21Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
1:07:21 > 1:07:24Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come and meet you down here?
1:07:39 > 1:07:41Oh, great(!)
1:07:48 > 1:07:50BANGING
1:07:53 > 1:07:55Hey, there!
1:07:55 > 1:07:57What are you doing there?
1:07:57 > 1:07:58No. Wait, wait. It's OK. No.
1:07:58 > 1:08:02- Stranger danger! Stranger danger! - No, please!
1:08:23 > 1:08:25Let's do it, Chazz!
1:08:25 > 1:08:26All right, Stranz.
1:08:26 > 1:08:29Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
1:08:41 > 1:08:43Oh! Beautiful.
1:08:45 > 1:08:47I'm coming, Chazz.
1:09:08 > 1:09:09- CAR HORN HONKS - Idiot!
1:09:11 > 1:09:13Allez, allez!
1:09:13 > 1:09:15CAR HORNS CONTINUE HONKING
1:09:38 > 1:09:39Give me your hand.
1:09:39 > 1:09:42- I won't hurt you. - I'm coming for you, Chazz!
1:09:42 > 1:09:44Damn it, Stranz.
1:09:45 > 1:09:48- Have you seen Jimmy? I can't find him anywhere. - He was here a minute ago.
1:09:48 > 1:09:51If you find him, would you tell him to get his ass down here?
1:09:58 > 1:10:04I really appreciate this. That man who's chasing us is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
1:10:28 > 1:10:30Who are you supposed to be anyway? Rod Serling?
1:10:30 > 1:10:32JFK.
1:10:34 > 1:10:36- It's gonna make sense. - No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
1:10:39 > 1:10:40That's lame.
1:10:44 > 1:10:46Try to get through that!
1:10:53 > 1:10:55Don't make me kill her.
1:11:07 > 1:11:08Snowflake!
1:11:29 > 1:11:31SPLASH
1:11:49 > 1:11:54From the United States, the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
1:11:54 > 1:11:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:11:57 > 1:12:00So, the favourites, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg, now taking the ice.
1:12:00 > 1:12:04As Marilyn Monroe and JFK, they'll be dramatizing a forbidden romance, Jim.
1:12:04 > 1:12:10- JFK:- 'I take pride in the words, "Ich bin ein Berliner!"'
1:12:10 > 1:12:11CHEERING INTENSIFIES
1:12:24 > 1:12:29- PA:- 'Calling for preparation on ice of the United States team of Michaels and MacElroy.'
1:12:30 > 1:12:34Well, that was an interesting take on American history.
1:12:34 > 1:12:38Indeed. I think it's worth noting the fantastic attention to detail this pair has demonstrated.
1:12:38 > 1:12:42An absolutely seamless use of props integrated into choreography
1:12:42 > 1:12:46that is both physically impressive and artistically moving.
1:12:46 > 1:12:49A rare ballet of ice and history.
1:12:49 > 1:12:52And those scores keep Stranz and Fairchild in first place,
1:12:52 > 1:12:55but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
1:12:55 > 1:12:57Coach! Coach!
1:12:57 > 1:13:00- Did I make it in time? Where's Chazz? - Where the hell you been?
1:13:00 > 1:13:04- If your partner's not here in 30 seconds, I have to disqualify you.- I know, I know.
1:13:04 > 1:13:08We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over. Damn it.
1:13:08 > 1:13:11- Just like that. - Coach, he'll be here.
1:13:16 > 1:13:18APPLAUSE
1:13:22 > 1:13:24'Skaters to the ice.
1:13:24 > 1:13:27'20 seconds to disqualification.'
1:13:27 > 1:13:33Jimmy MacElroy stands alone at centre ice. And you have to wonder what is going on.
1:13:33 > 1:13:36Well, this is Rice without Montana.
1:13:36 > 1:13:38Ali without Frazier.
1:13:38 > 1:13:41Han Solo without Chewbacca.
1:13:41 > 1:13:43Jimmy!
1:13:46 > 1:13:49Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
1:13:49 > 1:13:50Chazz!
1:13:52 > 1:13:54Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
1:13:54 > 1:13:58- I know! - We didn't even get to second base.
1:13:58 > 1:14:01Well, maybe I did. What I felt in my pants was weird and shameful.
1:14:01 > 1:14:06OK. You kind of have to be down here right now or we're gonna be disqualified.
1:14:06 > 1:14:10- Katie is not a whore! - OK, I get it. Just stop talking.
1:14:10 > 1:14:12OK. OK!
1:14:12 > 1:14:16- 'Skaters to the ice.'- Hold on! - '10 seconds to disqualification.'
1:14:19 > 1:14:21- Wow.- Yeah!
1:14:36 > 1:14:41Wow! A dramatic entrance for Chazz Michael Michaels.
1:14:41 > 1:14:44I'm OK! I'm all right.
1:14:44 > 1:14:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:14:47 > 1:14:49I'm OK.
1:14:55 > 1:14:58And there's another unique Michaels skill.
1:14:58 > 1:15:00Out of his clothes in a hurry when he has to.
1:15:00 > 1:15:04And women's skating champion Sasha Cohen catches Michaels' jock strap.
1:15:04 > 1:15:06I love you, Chazz!
1:15:13 > 1:15:16- I made it.- I knew you would. - Let's capture the dream.
1:15:16 > 1:15:19Capture the... I love it. Where did you come up with that?
1:15:19 > 1:15:21I have no idea where I came up with it.
1:15:21 > 1:15:24- Cool.- Let's kick some ice.- OK.
1:15:28 > 1:15:32The boys seem to be using a science fiction theme tonight.
1:15:32 > 1:15:35Fitting, considering these two men may very well be the future of the sport.
1:15:35 > 1:15:40Well, I'll tell you something, Jim, it's like these two men did beam in from outer space
1:15:40 > 1:15:42to flip this sport inside out.
1:15:42 > 1:15:44MUSIC: "Flash" by Queen
1:15:44 > 1:15:46# Saviour of the universe... #
1:15:48 > 1:15:51The lights are on and so is this crowd.
1:15:51 > 1:15:54A Mr Roboto to start the routine.
1:15:54 > 1:15:57And they hit it beautifully!
1:15:58 > 1:16:01Everything they do is drenched in drama.
1:16:05 > 1:16:08Side by side skate clashes.
1:16:16 > 1:16:18And more sparks!
1:16:18 > 1:16:19Look at the athleticism here.
1:16:19 > 1:16:22No other pair in the world could do this.
1:16:22 > 1:16:24Fireworks display in Montreal.
1:16:24 > 1:16:25Incredible.
1:16:30 > 1:16:32What are you doing?
1:16:32 > 1:16:36- We're freestyling. You're the steak, I'm the sizzle. - We didn't practice that.
1:16:36 > 1:16:38Do it for Katie. Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
1:16:51 > 1:16:55Michaels and MacElroy turn up the thermostat.
1:16:55 > 1:16:57These guys put the "bon" in Zamboni.
1:16:57 > 1:16:59It's over.
1:16:59 > 1:17:01All the endorsements, everything gone.
1:17:01 > 1:17:05- Oh, my God, I can't get a real job. It'll kill me.- God, I have to do everything in this family.
1:17:18 > 1:17:21A serious stumble in an otherwise perfect routine.
1:17:21 > 1:17:26- Perfection's what they need if they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild. - I think I broke my ankle.
1:17:26 > 1:17:28- What?- I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
1:17:28 > 1:17:30HE SCREAMS WITH PAIN Ah!
1:17:30 > 1:17:35I don't know, Scott. I'm not sure interpretive dance moves are gonna win these judges over.
1:17:35 > 1:17:38- What the hell are they doing? - Something's wrong.
1:17:38 > 1:17:43I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. I'm just a man, for God's sake.
1:17:43 > 1:17:47- We'll switch places.- I swear to God, if you cut my head off...
1:17:51 > 1:17:55- They're going for the Iron Lotus, in reverse.- My God. This is happening all over again.
1:17:57 > 1:18:01They're picking up speed for something spectacular.
1:18:01 > 1:18:04Looks like they might be trying something I have never seen done.
1:18:04 > 1:18:06It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
1:18:06 > 1:18:10No! Don't do it! I was wrong! It's suicide!
1:18:48 > 1:18:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:18:52 > 1:18:57And they nail it! Unbelievable performance! This crowd is going wild.
1:18:57 > 1:18:59They're on their feet.
1:18:59 > 1:19:04I never thought I'd see it with my own eyes. The fabled Iron Lotus.
1:19:04 > 1:19:06A historic event here in Montreal.
1:19:06 > 1:19:09Michaels and MacElroy have brought the legend to life.
1:19:09 > 1:19:11Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
1:19:11 > 1:19:15- Chazz. Chazz. We did it!- Did we win?
1:19:15 > 1:19:18- I don't know. - I think I see the Virgin Mary.
1:19:18 > 1:19:19No. That's not her.
1:19:25 > 1:19:26We got you, Mr Michaels.
1:19:26 > 1:19:27Let's go.
1:19:27 > 1:19:29HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN
1:19:29 > 1:19:32- Oh, I don't wanna die.- You'll be OK. - I don't wanna die.
1:19:32 > 1:19:36- Take a puff of that.- I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
1:19:36 > 1:19:39OK, but start up near the crotch. That's a better access point.
1:19:51 > 1:19:56- You were incredible.- Really? I thought my landing was all bad...
1:20:00 > 1:20:02You've been practising.
1:20:02 > 1:20:05Chazz taught me some stuff.
1:20:11 > 1:20:12Uh-oh.
1:20:17 > 1:20:19Stranz Van Waldenberg.
1:20:19 > 1:20:22You're under arrest for the desecration of an international icon.
1:20:22 > 1:20:26Snowflake? It was her idea.
1:20:26 > 1:20:27- She broke his ankle.- What?!
1:20:28 > 1:20:30You idiot!
1:20:30 > 1:20:31I hate you!
1:20:38 > 1:20:41Come on now. Let's get out of here.
1:20:41 > 1:20:42And that's why I was a sex addict.
1:20:42 > 1:20:44Because no-one ever loved me.
1:20:44 > 1:20:48But I learned something here today.
1:20:48 > 1:20:52That ice doesn't belong here.
1:20:52 > 1:20:53It belongs out there.
1:20:53 > 1:20:55Out on the ice...
1:20:55 > 1:20:58in an ice rink.
1:20:58 > 1:21:00I never had a father, OK?
1:21:00 > 1:21:02But I don't care!
1:21:02 > 1:21:04Because now I've got a brother.
1:21:07 > 1:21:11This is my brother! And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
1:21:13 > 1:21:16And she is not a whore.
1:21:16 > 1:21:19I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm gonna barf.
1:21:19 > 1:21:23- Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital. Come on.- No.
1:21:23 > 1:21:26And miss the smell of sweet gold?
1:21:26 > 1:21:28Not on your life.
1:21:29 > 1:21:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:21:44 > 1:21:46Jimmy, you did it!
1:21:46 > 1:21:50The gold medal, baby. You did it. I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
1:21:51 > 1:21:53Thank you.
1:21:58 > 1:22:03Hey, I've got something I wanna show you. I had it done last weekend.
1:22:05 > 1:22:10That's you - the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
1:22:10 > 1:22:13So that the Lone Wolf never has to be alone again.
1:22:13 > 1:22:15That's how much you mean to me, bro.
1:22:15 > 1:22:20- You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?- Yes. Absolutely hammered.
1:22:20 > 1:22:23- Welcome to the pack.- Thanks.
1:22:23 > 1:22:26- Let's get outta here.- Now?
1:22:26 > 1:22:28Yeah.
1:23:02 > 1:23:07# I'm a lone wolf in a cage
1:23:08 > 1:23:12# Lost my partner to a lie
1:23:14 > 1:23:19# Like a bird with broken wings, yeah
1:23:20 > 1:23:25# It's impossible to fly
1:23:25 > 1:23:31# I tried to live for two But only trust in one
1:23:31 > 1:23:35# Is there nothing that we can do?
1:23:35 > 1:23:42# Are we truly done?
1:23:42 > 1:23:44# Every day we do or die
1:23:44 > 1:23:48# As we're sailin' across the sky
1:23:48 > 1:23:50# Now we're comin' home
1:23:50 > 1:23:53# On these blades of glory
1:23:54 > 1:23:56# Settin' fire to the ice
1:23:56 > 1:24:00# Is the dream that keeps us alive
1:24:00 > 1:24:03# Now we're comin' home
1:24:03 > 1:24:05# On these blades of glory
1:24:05 > 1:24:08# Could this be the end
1:24:08 > 1:24:11# Of our mythic story? #
1:24:13 > 1:24:15(USA!
1:24:15 > 1:24:20(The gold medal has been won by Jimmy and Chazz, thanks to Hector's idea.)
1:24:21 > 1:24:24We did it, Hector! Boom! We sure did.
1:24:24 > 1:24:28Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
1:24:28 > 1:24:31Where is Hector? Here I am, guys.
1:24:31 > 1:24:33We did it. High-fives.
1:24:33 > 1:24:36Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
1:24:36 > 1:24:38You guys are the best.
1:24:38 > 1:24:43Hey, Jimmy? Yeah, Hector? Can you give me a time-out here with Chazz?
1:24:43 > 1:24:45Yeah, sure. Are you crying? No.
1:24:45 > 1:24:47I'm fine. OK.
1:24:47 > 1:24:50I'll go over here. Sandwich.
1:24:50 > 1:24:52Hey. Chazz?
1:24:52 > 1:24:54What is it? Boom.
1:24:54 > 1:24:57I just wanna say you guys are partners now.
1:24:57 > 1:25:02I've been friends with him for ever and you take good care of him.
1:25:02 > 1:25:05I will. Boom. He just... He loves food.
1:25:05 > 1:25:12And he likes dreams and whispers and his favourite movie is Short Circuit and Fried Green Tomatoes.
1:25:12 > 1:25:15And just watch over him. All right?
1:25:15 > 1:25:19I will. Boom. You have my word. High-five.
1:25:19 > 1:25:20God bless you.
1:25:20 > 1:25:23Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
1:25:23 > 1:25:27What was it you guys were talking about? Just stuff, you know.
1:25:27 > 1:25:29Hey, guys. You're amazing.
1:25:29 > 1:25:34I just wanna say keep dreaming because there's a lot of dreams to be had.
1:25:34 > 1:25:36(USA.)