In the Loop

0:00:19 > 0:00:25This film contains very strong language.

0:00:31 > 0:00:33Good morning, my little chicks and cocks.

0:00:33 > 0:00:35Malcolm, monitoring...

0:00:35 > 0:00:38- All the usual. - How did your team do at the weekend?

0:00:38 > 0:00:40All right, yeah, we won.

0:00:40 > 0:00:41(Wanker.)

0:00:41 > 0:00:43Sam, morning. How are you?

0:00:43 > 0:00:47Well, pop pickers, what disc shall we start with today?

0:00:47 > 0:00:50Wonky Ron or how about Simon Foster?

0:00:50 > 0:00:53On the Eddie Mair PM programme on the BBC.

0:00:53 > 0:00:58'Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster, the Minister for International Development...'

0:00:58 > 0:01:01- Coffee?- Yes, very, very black please.

0:01:01 > 0:01:04- '..Do you think you're making headway?- Yes, I do.

0:01:04 > 0:01:07'You'd expect me to say that, I suppose.'

0:01:08 > 0:01:09Mark?

0:01:09 > 0:01:12You're co-ordinating the Millennium Goals press release?

0:01:12 > 0:01:14Co-ordinate it better, please.

0:01:14 > 0:01:17Is that the minister? OK.

0:01:18 > 0:01:21Have we heard anything from Malcolm about last night's interview?

0:01:21 > 0:01:23No, not yet.

0:01:23 > 0:01:25Perhaps he didn't hear it.

0:01:25 > 0:01:26Or maybe he's dead.

0:01:26 > 0:01:28He might be dead!

0:01:28 > 0:01:31He might have finally had that massive stroke he's been heading for.

0:01:31 > 0:01:33It's been in the fucking post.

0:01:33 > 0:01:37'Preventable sickness in many of the poorest countries around the world.

0:01:37 > 0:01:41- 'And of course, the big one is diarrhoea...'- Ah, diarrhoea.

0:01:41 > 0:01:44This is the Minister for International Development!

0:01:44 > 0:01:48He should be talking about food parcels, not fucking arse-spraying mayhem.

0:01:48 > 0:01:51'..So if we can tackle the easy things like diarrhoea, then...'

0:01:51 > 0:01:54Oh, say it again. Yes, very good.

0:01:54 > 0:01:56What is this, the shitting forecast?

0:01:56 > 0:02:00'..Hopefully that will strike another blow in the war against preventable diseases.

0:02:00 > 0:02:03- 'You mentioned the word "war"...' - Steady, Eddie.

0:02:03 > 0:02:08- '..against preventable diseases. - All the evidence now points to a US military intervention

0:02:08 > 0:02:11'in the Middle East. Is that your view?

0:02:11 > 0:02:15'Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable.'

0:02:15 > 0:02:17- Sam. Sam!- 'Unforeseeable?

0:02:17 > 0:02:21- 'Yes.'- No, you do not think that!

0:02:21 > 0:02:22Sam,

0:02:22 > 0:02:26I'm going to have to go to International Development to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.

0:02:26 > 0:02:29He did not say "unforeseeable".

0:02:29 > 0:02:30You may have heard him say that,

0:02:30 > 0:02:33but he did not say that. And that is a fact.

0:02:33 > 0:02:38Now, he'll want you to row back on that "unforeseeable" thing on Question Time tonight.

0:02:38 > 0:02:41On Question Time, you know the funny question

0:02:41 > 0:02:43- they always have at the end?- Yes.

0:02:43 > 0:02:45I think we should prep that now.

0:02:45 > 0:02:47Cos I'd like to shine on the funny question.

0:02:47 > 0:02:49I'm a funny guy, with a light touch.

0:02:49 > 0:02:51This guy, he's a property tycoon.

0:02:51 > 0:02:55He bought a South Sea island. It might be something like that, if you had to spend the rest

0:02:55 > 0:02:58of your life on a desert island with someone, who would it be?

0:02:58 > 0:03:01Well... I can't say my wife, cos I haven't got one.

0:03:01 > 0:03:04I can't say my girlfriend, because I haven't got one of those either.

0:03:04 > 0:03:08- And don't say Mandela. That's... - No, no, boring. And a bloke.

0:03:08 > 0:03:11Or Keira Knightley.

0:03:11 > 0:03:15- That's a good idea.- Pervert. Sex. Minister. People don't want to know.

0:03:15 > 0:03:16I don't think so.

0:03:16 > 0:03:19Did you take the washing out of the machine?

0:03:19 > 0:03:20- No.- What do you mean, no?

0:03:20 > 0:03:22I didn't take the washing out the machine.

0:03:22 > 0:03:25- It's going to go really stale... - It'll be fine.- It's not fine.

0:03:25 > 0:03:29- I'll wear stale pants. - I don't want to go out with someone wearing stale pants.

0:03:29 > 0:03:31Well, there we go. I could go commando,

0:03:31 > 0:03:34but I don't think that's accepted in Government.

0:03:34 > 0:03:37Please! Have you got everything you need for your first day?

0:03:37 > 0:03:39Oh, yes, all in here. My massive intellect

0:03:39 > 0:03:41and an apple for Simon Foster.

0:03:41 > 0:03:43Simon "Fluster", don't you mean?

0:03:43 > 0:03:45Don't call him that, I'm re-branding him.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47He was crap on the radio last night.

0:03:47 > 0:03:49He sounded like a chicken with a wasp up its arse.

0:03:49 > 0:03:53Give me a week, I'll have him sounding like a chicken without a wasp up its arse.

0:03:53 > 0:03:56Good luck at the Foreign Office. Try not to annoy Russia.

0:03:56 > 0:03:59- See you later.- See you later. - I'll give you a call later.

0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Keep your phone on. - All right.- Be careful.

0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Cars.- Oh, really? Thanks for that.

0:04:03 > 0:04:04Helpful.

0:04:06 > 0:04:09OK, OK, go ahead and print "unforeseeable".

0:04:09 > 0:04:13Assume I tell your wife about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference,

0:04:13 > 0:04:16what would be best, an e-mail, a phone call or what?

0:04:16 > 0:04:19I could write it on a cake! With those little silver balls.

0:04:19 > 0:04:23"Your hack husband betrayed you on October the 4th, and congratulations on the new baby."

0:04:23 > 0:04:26Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it, yeah. OK, fuckity bye.

0:04:26 > 0:04:31- 'Just a quick thing - did you put away the lasagne?' - Yes, of course, it's in the fridge.

0:04:31 > 0:04:33It's got Clingfilm on it and everything.

0:04:33 > 0:04:35Thank you, sir.

0:04:35 > 0:04:36Why did you put Clingfilm on it?

0:04:36 > 0:04:39Because that keeps it fresh. That's the point of Clingfilm.

0:04:39 > 0:04:41I don't want to hold.

0:04:41 > 0:04:43It might dry out - that's an amateur mistake.

0:04:43 > 0:04:47- I'm not holding any longer. What's he waiting for, a fucking sex change?

0:04:47 > 0:04:50- It doesn't give you cancer. - What, Simon Foster?

0:04:50 > 0:04:53Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer any more than...

0:04:53 > 0:04:55- Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. I like that.- ..aluminium foil

0:04:55 > 0:05:00gives you AIDS, or, you know, lasagne gives you syphilis. It's not a thing.

0:05:00 > 0:05:02No, you relax!

0:05:02 > 0:05:03'God, who's that?'

0:05:03 > 0:05:05Get me fucking Brian!

0:05:05 > 0:05:08If you don't get me fucking Brian, I'll come over there,

0:05:08 > 0:05:12lock you in a fucking flotation tank and pump it full of sewage until you fucking drown!

0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Paris Hilton.- Are you serious?

0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Lily Allen.- No, no women.

0:05:19 > 0:05:20- Yeah?- The Olsen twins.

0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Thank you.- Who was that?

0:05:23 > 0:05:27- Malcolm. He's coming to see you. - Oh, shit, he's still alive.

0:05:27 > 0:05:29- When's he due?- Now!

0:05:29 > 0:05:32And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead.

0:05:32 > 0:05:34Give us a minute, please, love.

0:05:34 > 0:05:38In the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole,

0:05:38 > 0:05:40unforeseeable, that's what you are.

0:05:40 > 0:05:44Who's that geezer?

0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, I know who he is.

0:05:46 > 0:05:48You're Dan, right?

0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Daniel? The new adviser?- Toby.

0:05:50 > 0:05:52Toby. Oh. Sorry about the Dan thing.

0:05:52 > 0:05:55You guys are often called Dan so it's worth a punt.

0:05:55 > 0:06:00I'm Judy, Judy Molloy. Director of Communications for International Development.

0:06:00 > 0:06:01Is this a normal morning?

0:06:01 > 0:06:05- The minister was rubbish on last night's interview...- He was rubbish? - Yes. Rubbish.

0:06:05 > 0:06:09Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for... for a personal opinion.

0:06:09 > 0:06:12Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it.

0:06:12 > 0:06:16If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PIN number

0:06:16 > 0:06:18or shit yourself, would you have done that?

0:06:18 > 0:06:20I would've blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known.

0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Very good.- War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it?

0:06:24 > 0:06:27That is not our line. Walk the fucking line.

0:06:27 > 0:06:30We've got Karen Clark over from Washington today.

0:06:30 > 0:06:35- We've got enough fucking Pentagon goons here to stage a fucking coup d'etat.- Minister.

0:06:35 > 0:06:38Not the time, love. I'm busy. Fuck off.

0:06:38 > 0:06:40- This is Toby.- Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it.

0:06:40 > 0:06:42It's a bit of an odd morning here.

0:06:42 > 0:06:44Welcome to the madhouse. I apologise for Malcolm.

0:06:44 > 0:06:47Don't apologise for me. Apologise for yourself.

0:06:47 > 0:06:50Did I not just tell you to fuck off and yet you're still here?

0:06:50 > 0:06:52It's true, I am, yes, still here.

0:06:52 > 0:06:58Hey, foetus boy, lesson one, I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?

0:06:58 > 0:06:59F off?

0:06:59 > 0:07:02- You'll go far. Now fuck off.- Right.

0:07:02 > 0:07:06Judy and I were thinking that I could row back

0:07:06 > 0:07:07on Question Time tonight.

0:07:07 > 0:07:10You're not going on Question Time.

0:07:10 > 0:07:13- We've been prepping Question Time. - Why wasn't I told about this?

0:07:13 > 0:07:14Why would I tell you about it?

0:07:14 > 0:07:16I've told you to fuck off twice.

0:07:16 > 0:07:20You should tell me about it cos it's a scheduled media appearance

0:07:20 > 0:07:23by this department's Secretary of State, so it falls well within my purview.

0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Your purview?- Yes.

0:07:25 > 0:07:27Where do you think you are, a Regency costume drama?

0:07:27 > 0:07:32- This is a Government department, not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel. - Malcolm...

0:07:32 > 0:07:34Allow me to pop a jaunty bonnet on your purview

0:07:34 > 0:07:37and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock.

0:07:37 > 0:07:39Your swearing does not impress me.

0:07:39 > 0:07:41My husband works for Tower Hamlets

0:07:41 > 0:07:43and believe me, those kids make you sound like...

0:07:43 > 0:07:45Angela Lansbury.

0:07:45 > 0:07:47- She's married? Poor bastard. - Malcolm,

0:07:47 > 0:07:51Judy's lubricated horse cock aside for a second,

0:07:51 > 0:07:55are you saying I'm now no longer allowed to make media appearances?

0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Correct. Not until we can trust you to keep the line. - I was going to keep to the line.

0:07:59 > 0:08:02I was going to say, I don't think war is unforeseeable...

0:08:02 > 0:08:05- What is it, then? - I don't know. Foreseeable? No.

0:08:05 > 0:08:07No! Not foreseeable.

0:08:07 > 0:08:10That's fucking declaring war. Do you want to fucking declare war?

0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm a Cabinet Minister.

0:08:12 > 0:08:15I didn't get here by screwing up every media appearance I ever had.

0:08:15 > 0:08:19Write this down. It's neither foreseeable nor unforeseeable.

0:08:19 > 0:08:21Right, so not inevitable, but not...

0:08:21 > 0:08:25- You'd better walk on this fucking line.- ...Evitable.

0:08:25 > 0:08:28You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister

0:08:28 > 0:08:32with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.

0:08:32 > 0:08:34I can't do that, can I? That's political.

0:08:34 > 0:08:37Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette?

0:08:37 > 0:08:40Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford

0:08:40 > 0:08:42and play around with your tea and your cakes

0:08:42 > 0:08:44and your fucking horse cocks?

0:08:44 > 0:08:45Let them eat cock! Hey, you!

0:08:45 > 0:08:48Ron Weasley, you do it.

0:08:48 > 0:08:51No, no, you needn't worry about the Canadians,

0:08:51 > 0:08:53they're just happy to be there.

0:08:53 > 0:08:56Yes, well, they always look surprised when they're invited.

0:08:56 > 0:08:59Shall I give Toby a call about this Simon Foster thing?

0:08:59 > 0:09:00Yes, good idea.

0:09:00 > 0:09:04No, I'm not talking to you. Get me the Angolan charge d'affaires.

0:09:04 > 0:09:06Yes, well stop him playing football.

0:09:06 > 0:09:08PHONE RINGS Hello?

0:09:08 > 0:09:11So, how's it going? Found the bogs?

0:09:11 > 0:09:14It's a bit... Manic. Never like this at Agriculture.

0:09:14 > 0:09:17People tend not to get so sweary about wheat.

0:09:17 > 0:09:19Sorry, Michael, do you mind just turning it down a bit?

0:09:19 > 0:09:21Just a little bit...

0:09:21 > 0:09:23Grating. Bloody music.

0:09:23 > 0:09:27- Listen, I've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually.- Yeah?

0:09:27 > 0:09:31I think we can get Simon Foster into the three o'clock with Karen Clark.

0:09:31 > 0:09:35Karen Clark? Was she the woman who went round Britain in a coracle for leukaemia?

0:09:35 > 0:09:39No, Toby. Karen Clark, US Assistant Secretary of State.

0:09:39 > 0:09:41Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great.

0:09:41 > 0:09:44- Hang on, Michael wants to say something.- Meat.- Meat?

0:09:44 > 0:09:46Meat?

0:09:46 > 0:09:48His man is only going to be meat in the room.

0:09:48 > 0:09:50No talking. He's just padding.

0:09:50 > 0:09:53The Americans don't feel like they're getting a proper meeting

0:09:53 > 0:09:58unless there's 30 people on each side, so he's basically going to be bulk in the room.

0:09:58 > 0:10:00He's not going to be relevant, but he'll be present.

0:10:00 > 0:10:02I won't tell him that, to be honest.

0:10:02 > 0:10:04OK, I've got to go, darling. I love you.

0:10:04 > 0:10:07OK, yes, likewise. Affirmative on that one.

0:10:07 > 0:10:09All right, darling, take care, bye.

0:10:09 > 0:10:12Can I turn it back up now?

0:10:12 > 0:10:14You're on sexual health, aren't you?

0:10:14 > 0:10:17That's ironic. Right, Toby, quick tour.

0:10:17 > 0:10:19I should probably just go and...

0:10:19 > 0:10:22This is Mike. Just leave it to Mike, cos he knows what he's doing.

0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Don't you, Mike?- What?

0:10:24 > 0:10:26- MOBILE BEEPS - Exactly. He's an idiot.

0:10:26 > 0:10:30Listen, I understand your hostility at new wood being brought in...

0:10:30 > 0:10:32Sorry, that's the end of the tour, I'm afraid.

0:10:32 > 0:10:35There is really a lot of very important people

0:10:35 > 0:10:38that you ought to know about, but I have to...

0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Toby, hi.- All right, boss.

0:10:45 > 0:10:48I'm sorry about earlier - Malcolm.

0:10:48 > 0:10:50He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he?

0:10:50 > 0:10:54Yes. Listen, I was just, um...

0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Don't sit on Anna's desk.- Sorry.

0:10:57 > 0:11:01I have managed to get you into the big Foreign Office meeting this afternoon.

0:11:01 > 0:11:03The Karen Clark meeting?

0:11:03 > 0:11:05Really? Shit. How did you do that?

0:11:05 > 0:11:08I did it through sheer bloody hard work.

0:11:08 > 0:11:10- Judy?- Yeah?

0:11:10 > 0:11:14Tobes here has got me into the big Karen Clark meeting this afternoon.

0:11:14 > 0:11:18Oh! The big "meat".

0:11:18 > 0:11:21Impressive, eh? How are you spelling that, by the way?

0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Two Es.- Oh, right.

0:11:25 > 0:11:26Just one thing.

0:11:26 > 0:11:30Talking wise, you might find once we get in there, that the bulk of it...

0:11:30 > 0:11:32Can we just wait for Judy?

0:11:32 > 0:11:33Of course.

0:11:33 > 0:11:37- Simon.- Michael, hi.- Hello. Welcome.

0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Michael?- Yes.- Hi, I'm Chad.

0:11:40 > 0:11:43We'd like a dual horseshoe formation for the meeting set-up.

0:11:43 > 0:11:46An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave for the Pentagon delegation.

0:11:46 > 0:11:51And, politely, we requested the presence of both carbonated and non-carbonated waters.

0:11:51 > 0:11:55- Right.- Is that all? - Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much.

0:11:55 > 0:11:59Not at all. Wow, who was that? Young Lankenstein?

0:11:59 > 0:12:02He's probably running something relatively major.

0:12:02 > 0:12:04They're all kids in Washington.

0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns.

0:12:11 > 0:12:17Thank you all for coming today to the Interim Anglo-American Resources Forum. I'd particularly like

0:12:17 > 0:12:19- to welcome...- What's your view like?

0:12:19 > 0:12:20Well, it's pretty basic.

0:12:20 > 0:12:25- OK, can we swap?- I don't want a consensus forming around the premise

0:12:25 > 0:12:30that military action is necessarily the primary option at this point.

0:12:30 > 0:12:33This paper which was authored by one of my aides, Liza Weld...

0:12:33 > 0:12:36Liza, I hope you don't mind if I foreground this paper.

0:12:36 > 0:12:39It's not strictly my paper.

0:12:39 > 0:12:42In the sense that you were the one who put in the requests...

0:12:42 > 0:12:46Miss Weld is very, very modest, but this is her paper.

0:12:46 > 0:12:48And she's highlighted several reasons why

0:12:48 > 0:12:53we cannot envision a theatre deployment for at least 12 months.

0:12:53 > 0:12:56Should I say something? She invited me. I should say something.

0:12:56 > 0:13:01If you don't say something in the first ten minutes, you might as well not say anything.

0:13:01 > 0:13:04- I really think you shouldn't say anything. - No, I should say something.

0:13:04 > 0:13:08- No, Simon, don't, just don't... - Don't pull my hand down.

0:13:08 > 0:13:11The committee feels a quicker deployment is possible.

0:13:11 > 0:13:12Ah, which committee?

0:13:12 > 0:13:16It was discussed in a number of committees. If I mentioned one committee...

0:13:16 > 0:13:19- You did. - ..then it was a slip of the tongue.

0:13:19 > 0:13:25What, because you've accidentally alluded to a secret committee, a war committee?

0:13:25 > 0:13:27If I may intercept. I understand we are pressed for time.

0:13:27 > 0:13:31Liza, do you know if Linton has set up a secret war committee?

0:13:31 > 0:13:33- No. I have no idea.- Get me on it.

0:13:33 > 0:13:36I think it's worth noting that ministers in the UK Government,

0:13:36 > 0:13:39such as our colleague here, Simon Foster,

0:13:39 > 0:13:44have made it very clear that they feel currently war is unforeseeable.

0:13:44 > 0:13:48Isn't that right, Simon?

0:13:48 > 0:13:51Er...well, yes.

0:13:51 > 0:13:55That's what I said. And I stick to what I said.

0:13:57 > 0:14:01That doesn't mean that what I said won't change

0:14:01 > 0:14:03in the future.

0:14:03 > 0:14:06Um...it's not immutable or mutable.

0:14:06 > 0:14:10It's... It's... It's... It's a developing... Obviously it's...

0:14:10 > 0:14:13I think there are areas of mutual discussion that we

0:14:13 > 0:14:16could come onto now, and then if there's time left at the end...

0:14:16 > 0:14:19Judy, can you just pass that on? Is that fine?

0:14:19 > 0:14:23Yes, that's all fine, thank you.

0:14:23 > 0:14:25Right, come here.

0:14:25 > 0:14:27We need to talk.

0:14:27 > 0:14:30What do you mean, stop being a tit? In what way was I being a tit?

0:14:30 > 0:14:32Why am I even over here?

0:14:32 > 0:14:35You were just meat in the room, Simon.

0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Yeah.- Meat in the room?- Yeah.

0:14:39 > 0:14:43For fuck's sake, Judy, I've taken an hour out to come over here

0:14:43 > 0:14:45- and be room meat.- Yes, but...

0:14:45 > 0:14:47but a prime cut, you know, not offal.

0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh, great. I'm not liver.

0:14:49 > 0:14:52- What was I, tit meat?- Well, no, I...

0:14:52 > 0:14:53Just...

0:14:53 > 0:14:57Come on. Let's get back.

0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Hey, Liza.- Yeah. Hey.

0:14:59 > 0:15:01I just want to say congratulations.

0:15:01 > 0:15:02Your paper got a major citation.

0:15:02 > 0:15:04You must be psyched that Karen brought it up.

0:15:04 > 0:15:07Yeah, well, that was, you know, her call. Not mine.

0:15:07 > 0:15:13You couldn't write a paper that clashes more violently with the current climate if you were trying.

0:15:13 > 0:15:15- It seems like you were trying. - I wasn't trying!

0:15:15 > 0:15:19You're like the woman in The Omen - you gave birth to a demon and it's going to kill you.

0:15:19 > 0:15:23- You probably identify with the kid from The Omen, right?- Ooh!

0:15:23 > 0:15:25You're an only child, aren't you?

0:15:25 > 0:15:29I don't understand how my parents' limited reproductive ability reflects badly on me.

0:15:29 > 0:15:32I'm the sperm that made it, so...

0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Liza.- I'm being called by our boss.

0:15:34 > 0:15:37- OK, retreat. See you later. - Yeah, have fun with yourself.

0:15:37 > 0:15:40Have fun with your career kryptonite.

0:15:40 > 0:15:42What's going on? That looks important.

0:15:42 > 0:15:45My teeth are killing me. I want to know if they're chipped.

0:15:45 > 0:15:47I think that one has always been there, right?

0:15:47 > 0:15:50It was a chip on the veneer.

0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Don't look at my teeth for a long time.- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

0:15:53 > 0:15:55- It just surprised me.- Liza!

0:15:55 > 0:15:58- Toby.- Toby! Hi.- Hi.

0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Give me a call!- Yeah.

0:16:01 > 0:16:03- OK.- Liza?

0:16:03 > 0:16:07Liza Wells. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college.

0:16:07 > 0:16:08I had a thing for her at the time.

0:16:08 > 0:16:12- I can imagine, yeah. - Don't think she remembered me, to be honest.

0:16:12 > 0:16:15That is one of the side effects of Rohypnol.

0:16:15 > 0:16:18Linton has set up a secret war committee. I just know it.

0:16:18 > 0:16:22I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic, Liza. He is dangerous.

0:16:22 > 0:16:26- It's not good.- The voices in his head now sing barbershop together.

0:16:26 > 0:16:30I really, really hope there isn't a war, it's going to be a nightmare.

0:16:30 > 0:16:33It's bad enough having to cope with the fucking Olympics.

0:16:33 > 0:16:35ALL: Minister? Just a quick word, sir?

0:16:35 > 0:16:38This is your chance to nail the line. Do you want to nail the line?

0:16:38 > 0:16:41No, I'll freestyle it. Hello, there. Hi.

0:16:41 > 0:16:42So is war unforeseeable, Minister?

0:16:42 > 0:16:45Look, all sorts of things,

0:16:45 > 0:16:49that are actually very likely are also unforeseeable.

0:16:49 > 0:16:51For the plane in the fog,

0:16:51 > 0:16:54the mountain is un...

0:16:54 > 0:17:00unforeseeable, but then it is suddenly very real and inevitable.

0:17:00 > 0:17:03Is this your opinion or is this the Government position?

0:17:03 > 0:17:07The mountain is a hypothetical mountain that could represent anything.

0:17:07 > 0:17:09So, who is the plane and who is the mountain?

0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Is the Government lost in the fog? - I'm saying...

0:17:12 > 0:17:14that to walk the road of peace...

0:17:14 > 0:17:19sometimes we need to be ready to climb...the mountain of conflict.

0:17:19 > 0:17:23- Thank you so much.- We be climbing the mountain alone, minister?

0:17:23 > 0:17:25That's it, thank you.

0:17:25 > 0:17:29Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, why didn't we nail the line?

0:17:29 > 0:17:30Simon, I did try to warn you.

0:17:30 > 0:17:34Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you?

0:17:34 > 0:17:37- I can't tackle you to the ground. - That's like shouting "Train!"

0:17:37 > 0:17:40at somebody as they get hit by a train. You should go "Train!

0:17:40 > 0:17:42- "There's a fucking train!"- Bollocks!

0:17:42 > 0:17:46- Fuck, it's Malcolm. - It's Malcolm for me, too.

0:17:46 > 0:17:47How does he do that?

0:17:47 > 0:17:50Simon, I don't like finding out about people

0:17:50 > 0:17:54employed by this Government via the news, unless they've just died.

0:17:54 > 0:17:55Be here now.

0:17:55 > 0:17:59'..The Government must be prepared to climb the mountain of conflict.

0:17:59 > 0:18:01'It's unclear if his view is shared...'

0:18:01 > 0:18:03Maybe we should get it out there.

0:18:03 > 0:18:06Float the idea that the war is a resigning issue for you.

0:18:06 > 0:18:09You can't say it's a resigning issue, cos then you have to resign.

0:18:09 > 0:18:12You're having a really great first day, you know that?

0:18:12 > 0:18:15You are supposed to be a Cabinet Minister!

0:18:15 > 0:18:18You are supposed to be Officer Class!

0:18:18 > 0:18:21Don't do this, don't make fucking waves.

0:18:21 > 0:18:23We can do without the ritual humiliation.

0:18:23 > 0:18:25You know I'm against talking up the war.

0:18:25 > 0:18:28Against talking up the war? Is that why you said,

0:18:28 > 0:18:29"Climb the mountain of conflict"?

0:18:29 > 0:18:33Do you know what you sounded like? A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews.

0:18:33 > 0:18:38I'm just saying I might be forced to the verge of making a stand.

0:18:38 > 0:18:40A stand?

0:18:42 > 0:18:45Right, The White Stripes, outside.

0:18:45 > 0:18:47Eh-eh...

0:18:47 > 0:18:49There's only two people in The White Stripes.

0:18:56 > 0:18:57I, um...

0:18:59 > 0:19:01I admire you.

0:19:02 > 0:19:05I really do, I admire you.

0:19:05 > 0:19:09Making a stand. So, I take it, I can tell the PM that you...

0:19:09 > 0:19:11You don't want to go to Washington?

0:19:11 > 0:19:14- To where?- To Washington. See, the PM, he wants you...

0:19:14 > 0:19:17Well, he wanted you to go on a fact-finder, you know?

0:19:17 > 0:19:20Problems we might have to face if it all goes boombastic

0:19:20 > 0:19:21in the Middle East.

0:19:21 > 0:19:22Oh, right.

0:19:22 > 0:19:26But, you know, that's you, you're on the verge, aren't you?

0:19:26 > 0:19:28You're on the verge of your stand, so...

0:19:28 > 0:19:31Well, Malcolm, come on, I don't know what words I used

0:19:31 > 0:19:33in the heat of the moment.

0:19:33 > 0:19:38Maybe in a sense, yeah, I am on the verge, but that's the important thing. I'm on the verge.

0:19:38 > 0:19:40I'm not in any way decided.

0:19:40 > 0:19:44Christ on a bendy bus. Don't be such a fucking faff-arse.

0:19:44 > 0:19:47- No, I'm standing my ground, on the verge.- Right, OK,

0:19:47 > 0:19:48when you go to America,

0:19:48 > 0:19:50talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah?

0:19:50 > 0:19:54- Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl. - Keep away from Linton Barwick.

0:19:54 > 0:19:57He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him.

0:19:57 > 0:20:01He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paperweight - true story.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03Wow, I won't talk to him.

0:20:03 > 0:20:07Talk to as few people as possible, that would be best for you.

0:20:07 > 0:20:12OK, Liza, the priorities are shower, get me on Linton's war committee

0:20:12 > 0:20:15and get me to a dentist, not necessarily in that order.

0:20:15 > 0:20:19Shower later. What has Linton been up to while we've been gone?

0:20:19 > 0:20:21Have we declared war on California yet?

0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Ah, Karen.- Linton!

0:20:23 > 0:20:26- How was London? Good meetings? - Very good meetings.

0:20:26 > 0:20:29You know we had some great discussions there, I think our...

0:20:29 > 0:20:31Thank you very much, I will read your words

0:20:31 > 0:20:33when they come through. Thank you, Karen.

0:20:35 > 0:20:37You won't read the words, Linton.

0:20:37 > 0:20:40Is Chad coming? Chad?

0:20:40 > 0:20:43No, he's probably doing his desperate chorus girl thing,

0:20:43 > 0:20:46hanging around Linton's office, trying to catch an eye, you know?

0:20:46 > 0:20:50That's why he's wearing his push-up bra today. Have you noticed?

0:20:50 > 0:20:52Assistant Secretary of State, hi.

0:20:52 > 0:20:54- Brad, how are you?- Chad.

0:20:54 > 0:20:58- Yep, yep, yep, exactly.- Can I...? - Yep, yep, you betcha, OK.

0:20:58 > 0:21:00Hey, listen, the war committee.

0:21:00 > 0:21:04What you have to do is you've got to look for the ten dullest named committees

0:21:04 > 0:21:06happening out of the executive branch.

0:21:06 > 0:21:10Because Linton is not going to call it the Big Horrible War Committee.

0:21:10 > 0:21:15He'll hide it behind Diverse Strategy, or something so dull you're going to want to self-harm.

0:21:15 > 0:21:19Get me General Miller at the Pentagon, please.

0:21:19 > 0:21:23(My teeth hurt. My teeth hurt like hell.)

0:21:23 > 0:21:27I'm sick of hearing about the teeth, frankly.

0:21:27 > 0:21:31Hi, yeah. I'm checking the status on a paper that was circulated by a staffer here.

0:21:31 > 0:21:38It's called "Post War Planning - Parameters, Implications and Possibilities".

0:21:38 > 0:21:42This is the one by... this is the one by Liza Weld, right?

0:21:42 > 0:21:44PWIP PIP?

0:21:44 > 0:21:46Oh, God, it already has an acronym.

0:21:46 > 0:21:49You know another acronym? DOA...

0:21:49 > 0:21:51Your career.

0:21:51 > 0:21:54My golly, I can't see why anyone

0:21:54 > 0:21:57would choose to work in a glass office, huh?

0:21:57 > 0:22:01Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.

0:22:01 > 0:22:04- I could request the glass be frosted.- Frosting is on cakes, huh?

0:22:04 > 0:22:06Now,

0:22:06 > 0:22:08what else happened in London?

0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Ah, generally positive, two glitches...- Really, what?

0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers.- Really?

0:22:14 > 0:22:17She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock.

0:22:17 > 0:22:21- It's called PWIP PIP. - PWIP what?- PWIP PIP.

0:22:21 > 0:22:24What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?

0:22:24 > 0:22:28I can't recall. It's factish. Intel for and against intervention.

0:22:28 > 0:22:30We have all the facts on this we need.

0:22:30 > 0:22:32We don't need any more facts.

0:22:32 > 0:22:34In the land of truth, my friend...

0:22:34 > 0:22:37the man with one fact is the king.

0:22:37 > 0:22:40You said there was something else. What is that?

0:22:40 > 0:22:42In the meeting with the Foreign Office,

0:22:42 > 0:22:45the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to.

0:22:45 > 0:22:47Which committee?

0:22:47 > 0:22:49The...the war committee, sir.

0:22:49 > 0:22:52All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh?

0:22:52 > 0:22:56She is an excitable, yapping she-dog.

0:22:56 > 0:22:58Get the minutes - I have to correct the record.

0:22:58 > 0:23:03- We can do that?- Yes, we can. Those minutes are an aide memoire for us.

0:23:03 > 0:23:06They should not be a reductive record of what happened

0:23:06 > 0:23:12to have been said, but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said.

0:23:12 > 0:23:16- I think that's the more accurate version, don't you?- Sir.- Right.

0:23:16 > 0:23:20- I don't like this section, let's cut that.- Aye aye, sir.

0:23:20 > 0:23:24- Let's reverse this.- That was something Karen said, sir.

0:23:24 > 0:23:26It's not right, so let's change it.

0:23:26 > 0:23:27Aye, aye, sir.

0:23:27 > 0:23:30- And... I like this. - Ah, thank you, sir.

0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Yeah, let's say everyone agreed with that, huh?- Excellent.

0:23:33 > 0:23:37So... So the car will pick you up from the airport. It's supposed to be

0:23:37 > 0:23:41quite a good one, I believe. The Americans are doing that.

0:23:41 > 0:23:43I've just got the contact numbers.

0:23:43 > 0:23:44What's she so fucking happy about?

0:23:44 > 0:23:46She's probably on a personal call.

0:23:46 > 0:23:49SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

0:23:49 > 0:23:51Why has she got control of the blinds?

0:23:51 > 0:23:52I think it's...

0:23:52 > 0:23:56I'm a Government Minister and I don't have control of my own blinds.

0:23:56 > 0:23:59I could order you some blinds.

0:23:59 > 0:24:01I could order you some nice, heavy curtains,

0:24:01 > 0:24:03with swags and a pelmet maybe?

0:24:03 > 0:24:05Yes, do that.

0:24:05 > 0:24:08OK.

0:24:08 > 0:24:10Will you come with me?

0:24:10 > 0:24:12HE BANGS THE SCULPTURE

0:24:18 > 0:24:19So, listen...

0:24:19 > 0:24:22my team for the US, Team Simon,

0:24:22 > 0:24:26I'm thinking of taking you and leaving Judy.

0:24:26 > 0:24:29I could work with that, definitely. Plus, she can be a bit, you know...

0:24:29 > 0:24:32SILLY VOICE: "Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?"

0:24:32 > 0:24:34Yeah, it's true. No, she can be,

0:24:34 > 0:24:35"Oh, so you're the President

0:24:35 > 0:24:38- "and I'm supposed to be impressed by that?"- Yeah!

0:24:38 > 0:24:41"My husband works in Tower Hamlets."

0:24:41 > 0:24:43"Which is much harder than being President."

0:24:43 > 0:24:46Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it, she's staying here.

0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Go and tell her.- What?

0:24:48 > 0:24:52Well, that moves us on to any other business.

0:24:52 > 0:24:53I think I've flagged everything

0:24:53 > 0:24:55I need to discuss, as I usually do.

0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Everything you're prepared to discuss.- What is that?

0:24:58 > 0:25:01- What are you doing?- I understand you started a new committee.

0:25:01 > 0:25:04- What is that called? - What makes you think that?

0:25:04 > 0:25:06It was mentioned at our meeting in London.

0:25:06 > 0:25:10- Well, you must have misheard me. - No. I misheard the word "committee"?

0:25:10 > 0:25:12Maybe it was another word.

0:25:12 > 0:25:14Like, say, Khomeini.

0:25:14 > 0:25:16You're sitting on a new Khomeini?

0:25:16 > 0:25:20- Possibly. There are a lot of words. Kansas City. Kitty.- Itty.

0:25:20 > 0:25:22Itty? Itty is not a word, Bob.

0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Commissary. - Thank you, James.- Chad.- Chad.

0:25:25 > 0:25:30Why don't you just recap for me, at the moment, all the committees that you're currently sitting on?

0:25:30 > 0:25:34I'm sorry, Karen, but you...you appear to be bleeding from the teeth.

0:25:34 > 0:25:36Let me see that. Holy Mother of...

0:25:36 > 0:25:39Well, don't try to change the subject.

0:25:39 > 0:25:43I'm sorry, everyone. Just ignore the blood. We haven't finished the meeting.

0:25:43 > 0:25:45I can't ignore... I'm sorry.

0:25:45 > 0:25:47I don't mean to be rude, but this is a tad repulsive.

0:25:47 > 0:25:48I'm sorry. Excuse me.

0:25:48 > 0:25:52Liza, come with me, I need you. Chad, stay here.

0:25:52 > 0:25:55Go, Buffy, you belong to the vampire queen now.

0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Liza.- I'm coming.

0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone.

0:25:59 > 0:26:02I cannot stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth.

0:26:02 > 0:26:06It reminds me of country and western music, which I cannot abide. Huh?

0:26:06 > 0:26:09That stuff is just choking the airwaves.

0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Look, sorry, we just need... - Oh, my God!

0:26:11 > 0:26:14- It's really bad. It's really bad.- I can't touch anything.

0:26:14 > 0:26:15Nobody was joking.

0:26:15 > 0:26:17I need to catch it.

0:26:17 > 0:26:19How far are you with the committees?

0:26:19 > 0:26:22I've got it down to two, actually. One is the Aims And Policy

0:26:22 > 0:26:26Alignment Committee. The other is the Future Planning Committee.

0:26:26 > 0:26:29It's not the first one, because I set that up.

0:26:29 > 0:26:32Does it really sound dull to you? I thought it was a good name.

0:26:32 > 0:26:35Right, no...it is a good name.

0:26:35 > 0:26:38Well, find out if it really is, whatever, the Future...

0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Planning Committee. - Find out if it really is that.

0:26:40 > 0:26:44Um... OK, well, I might go and do that.

0:26:44 > 0:26:47You're not going to shout at me if I do that, are you?

0:26:47 > 0:26:49I'm not a monster, Liza. OK?

0:26:49 > 0:26:53Will you stop implying that I'm some kind of monster?

0:26:55 > 0:26:56Bob!

0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Oh, hey.- Hey. I wanted to tell you

0:26:59 > 0:27:04we're having this stupid "hunk of the month of the office"

0:27:04 > 0:27:05- kind of contest.- Sure.

0:27:05 > 0:27:09And I just didn't want, you know, you to feel objectified in any way,

0:27:09 > 0:27:11- or anything like that. - No, not at all.

0:27:11 > 0:27:14And Karen knows about the Future Planning Committee.

0:27:16 > 0:27:19- I have no idea what you're talking about.- No?

0:27:19 > 0:27:22No. Excuse me.

0:27:25 > 0:27:28Future Planning Committee, that's what it is.

0:27:34 > 0:27:36Wow!

0:27:36 > 0:27:38This is fucking cool.

0:27:38 > 0:27:41Don't be callow, Toby, we're on official business.

0:27:41 > 0:27:43- This way, gentlemen.- Oh, thanks.

0:27:45 > 0:27:49- That was a little bit fucking cool. - Yep.

0:27:49 > 0:27:52- Did you book a car?- Me? No.

0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, Judy will have booked a car.

0:27:55 > 0:27:56Judy?

0:27:56 > 0:27:58- Hi.- For fuck's sake!

0:27:58 > 0:28:00I was wondering about the car situation?

0:28:00 > 0:28:03It's Robbie's job to book it and your job to check it.

0:28:03 > 0:28:05There's obviously...

0:28:05 > 0:28:07some snarl up at her end, I think.

0:28:07 > 0:28:10- "Simon Forester."- Oh.

0:28:10 > 0:28:12Thank you very much.

0:28:12 > 0:28:15"England Government, Simon Forester."

0:28:15 > 0:28:17My name's Simon Foster, it's British Government.

0:28:17 > 0:28:19POLICE SIREN

0:28:21 > 0:28:26Hey, Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade. Yeah.

0:28:26 > 0:28:29I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean?

0:28:29 > 0:28:31- Yeah!- I mean in here...now.

0:28:39 > 0:28:41- DRIVER: Do you want girls? - No, no, no, no, no, no.

0:28:41 > 0:28:43Absolutely not.

0:28:43 > 0:28:46No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke.

0:28:46 > 0:28:51I hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.

0:28:52 > 0:28:54Strange hotel.

0:28:54 > 0:28:57It's like a hangar for businessmen, isn't it?

0:28:58 > 0:29:00- That's better, isn't it? - It's big, yeah.

0:29:00 > 0:29:02Just bring them here, that's fine.

0:29:04 > 0:29:08Tobes, have you got any m...

0:29:08 > 0:29:11Well, I haven't been to an ATM, so I've not... I've only got English.

0:29:11 > 0:29:14I mean, I don't suppose English money is...

0:29:14 > 0:29:15This and this, sorry that's...

0:29:15 > 0:29:18It's usually a dollar a bag.

0:29:21 > 0:29:23Ooh, well, there's the Capitol,

0:29:23 > 0:29:27you can see there through that window and that tree.

0:29:27 > 0:29:29Technically, you've got a Capitol Hill view.

0:29:38 > 0:29:39Hi.

0:29:39 > 0:29:41- Ooh.- Excuse me.

0:29:41 > 0:29:44Hello. How are you doing? Was it something I said?

0:29:44 > 0:29:45I haven't seen you in a month.

0:29:45 > 0:29:48I haven't felt that in years. Thank you.

0:29:48 > 0:29:52- You're beautiful.- Oh, thank you. I'm sure you say that to all the girls.

0:29:52 > 0:29:53Yes, I do...

0:29:53 > 0:29:54and some of the soldiers, too.

0:29:54 > 0:29:57That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions.

0:29:57 > 0:30:02Don't believe that shit. I'm not running for office - I'm trying something different.

0:30:02 > 0:30:04I know. It's one of the reasons I like you.

0:30:04 > 0:30:07I know your passion about education and housing and...

0:30:07 > 0:30:09- Lingerie.- There you go.- Bestiality.

0:30:09 > 0:30:12I'd forgotten about that.

0:30:12 > 0:30:16- Are you still allergic to the dog? - Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes are closed

0:30:16 > 0:30:19and my head is swollen and I look like a giant ball sac.

0:30:19 > 0:30:24Oh, my God. You know, they do have modern medication for that sort of thing.

0:30:24 > 0:30:27- Beautiful ball sac, though. - Thank you very much.

0:30:27 > 0:30:31- How's the Pentagon?- It's kicked up. They're talking invasion reasonably seriously.

0:30:31 > 0:30:35- Is there somewhere we can talk about this?- I don't know.

0:30:35 > 0:30:37- There must be.- I don't live here.

0:30:37 > 0:30:40- Follow me.- Go that way. - Don't let people know we're leaving.

0:30:40 > 0:30:44This is good. Her daughter's not home, I talked to her.

0:30:44 > 0:30:49- In here?- Yeah. Although, I don't know what we'll say if somebody comes in right now.

0:30:49 > 0:30:52No, I can't think of a good possible excuse, no.

0:30:52 > 0:30:55- No, me neither, me neither. What? - Come here.

0:30:55 > 0:30:58Just be careful, don't mess stuff up.

0:30:58 > 0:31:02- Oh, come on, it's toys. - Let's sit down.

0:31:02 > 0:31:04- So...- Yeah.

0:31:04 > 0:31:08Not enough troops. Total minimum European requirement.

0:31:08 > 0:31:09The Far East, Asia.

0:31:09 > 0:31:11OK. That's how many we have.

0:31:11 > 0:31:15Total there, yes. And then we have the contingency already deployed.

0:31:15 > 0:31:17OK, I don't... You've lost me.

0:31:17 > 0:31:18Hold on a minute...

0:31:20 > 0:31:21- Oh, fuck this.- What?

0:31:29 > 0:31:32- CALCULATOR:- # La-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la.- # Good.

0:31:32 > 0:31:35Your military hardware is impressive, General.

0:31:35 > 0:31:36Well, not any more, it isn't.

0:31:36 > 0:31:38TOY CALCULATOR BLEEPS

0:31:38 > 0:31:39So, you add these together.

0:31:39 > 0:31:42CALCULATOR BOINGS

0:31:42 > 0:31:45So this is the number of combat troops available

0:31:45 > 0:31:48for an invasion, according to these figures.

0:31:48 > 0:31:50- CALCULATOR:- 12!

0:31:50 > 0:31:52Thousand?

0:31:52 > 0:31:55- No, 12. 12 troops. - Oh, come on, you're shitting me?

0:31:55 > 0:31:56I am shitting you.

0:31:56 > 0:32:0012,000 troops, 12,000 troops, but that's not enough...

0:32:00 > 0:32:02that's the amount that are going to die.

0:32:02 > 0:32:05And at the end of a war you need some soldiers left, really,

0:32:05 > 0:32:07or else it looks like you've lost.

0:32:08 > 0:32:10- CALCULATOR:- Bye for now!

0:32:10 > 0:32:15You know what? I've got some Brits I have to meet tomorrow. A guy named Simon Foster.

0:32:15 > 0:32:18- Who's Simon Foster? - He's this guy that said publicly

0:32:18 > 0:32:20that war was unforeseeable.

0:32:20 > 0:32:23And I think he could be very useful on the war committee.

0:32:23 > 0:32:26He can internationalise the dissent - start to.

0:32:26 > 0:32:28You're going to use him as a little meat puppet?

0:32:42 > 0:32:43Tobes?

0:32:43 > 0:32:46- Hi.- Hi.

0:32:46 > 0:32:50What are we going to...do tonight?

0:32:50 > 0:32:54- Tonight? - Yes, what are we up to, my...

0:32:54 > 0:32:57- my chief aide?- Well... yeah, I mean,

0:32:57 > 0:33:01I sort of thought tonight we'd probably be just a bit tired, really.

0:33:01 > 0:33:03No, I am tired. But,

0:33:03 > 0:33:05I'm also a career politician, Toby,

0:33:05 > 0:33:09in the political powerhouse of the world for 48 hours and I thought

0:33:09 > 0:33:13it might be nice to go out rather than just sitting in my room

0:33:13 > 0:33:16trying to spank one out over a shark documentary,

0:33:16 > 0:33:20because I'm scared if I watch a porno it'll end up in the Register of Members' Interests.

0:33:20 > 0:33:22So...

0:33:22 > 0:33:25- What have you got for us to do? - Right, what have I got?

0:33:25 > 0:33:28Well, so far we've got...

0:33:28 > 0:33:34Well, there's a leaflet through the door for happy hour at the bar, which might be interesting.

0:33:34 > 0:33:38Also, I do have the number of a guy I was at uni with

0:33:38 > 0:33:41- who works for CNN out here.- No.

0:33:41 > 0:33:44- No?- No.

0:33:44 > 0:33:49- Where are you?- I'm waving at you. - I don't see you, be more visible.

0:33:49 > 0:33:52- I'm, like, practically on top of you, I'm coming to you.- Ah!

0:33:52 > 0:33:55You can stop talking on your cell phone now.

0:33:55 > 0:33:56Of course I can.

0:33:56 > 0:33:59Look, I have to leave. Phone Simon Foster's guy,

0:33:59 > 0:34:01tell them, come to the war committee.

0:34:01 > 0:34:04I'll give them some face time tomorrow around ten o'clock.

0:34:04 > 0:34:07It'll be coffee and Danish. Tea. They'll want tea.

0:34:07 > 0:34:11- Tea and sympathy, tea and a hand job, whatever.- OK.

0:34:11 > 0:34:15'There's still much that's unknown about hammerhead sharks, such as their mating habits.'

0:34:15 > 0:34:19- MOBILE RINGS - You can definitely spot the female ones, can't you?

0:34:19 > 0:34:23- Hello.- Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight?

0:34:23 > 0:34:26Well, it's unbelievably hectic. Actually we're...

0:34:26 > 0:34:28'Their courtship is a violent affair.

0:34:28 > 0:34:31'The male will bite the female until she acquiesces'

0:34:31 > 0:34:35The war committee, that's a big thing, Liza.

0:34:35 > 0:34:37Yeah, well, I have been on committees before,

0:34:37 > 0:34:41the Challenges For The Cheese Market, that was one of the big ones.

0:34:41 > 0:34:44Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink.

0:34:44 > 0:34:4640 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah.

0:34:46 > 0:34:47Bye-bye. Bye.

0:34:47 > 0:34:48Bye. Bye, bye.

0:34:48 > 0:34:50MOBILE RINGS

0:34:50 > 0:34:53- Matty, how's CNN?- 'Great.'

0:34:53 > 0:34:54I can't, mate, no.

0:34:54 > 0:34:58Liza Wells got us onto the Future Planning Committee in the morning.

0:34:58 > 0:35:02- The war committee to the likes of you and me. - 'What are you talking about?'

0:35:02 > 0:35:06The Future Planning Committee is Linton's war committee.

0:35:06 > 0:35:09Do you not work for CNN or is it the Cartoon News Network?

0:35:09 > 0:35:11KNOCK AT THE DOOR

0:35:15 > 0:35:18Come in. I just wasn't expecting to see you here. Physically here.

0:35:18 > 0:35:20you're always in my heart.

0:35:20 > 0:35:23I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere, I'm the egg man.

0:35:23 > 0:35:25Have you come to insult me in a different time zone?

0:35:25 > 0:35:29Yeah. No, sorry, I'm just off out for a drink with her just now.

0:35:29 > 0:35:31No. You're barking up the wrong cock there.

0:35:31 > 0:35:35Little Toby is staying very much in his hammock this evening.

0:35:35 > 0:35:37- Simon, I've got us on the...- Hiya.

0:35:37 > 0:35:39Jesus, fucking hell, Malcolm.

0:35:39 > 0:35:41You're supposed to shit yourself in there, not out here.

0:35:41 > 0:35:46I've got us on Linton's Future Planning Committee for tomorrow morning.

0:35:46 > 0:35:48Brilliant. What is that?

0:35:48 > 0:35:50- It's the war committee.- What?

0:35:50 > 0:35:54The actual war...the actual war committee? Who's going to be there?

0:35:54 > 0:36:00Karen Clark, Liza Weld, me and Simon...Simon and me.

0:36:00 > 0:36:03How about the rest of the committee, who are they?

0:36:03 > 0:36:05Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow? It's a diversion.

0:36:05 > 0:36:08The real committee, that's at the White House.

0:36:08 > 0:36:13I'll text you the details - I'm going to go out for a drink with some State Department bods now.

0:36:13 > 0:36:15Don't mention this to the press, OK?

0:36:15 > 0:36:18Don't mention it to anyone. If the press get a whiff that there's

0:36:18 > 0:36:23a war committee, even a cardboard one, every fucker in this town will turn up and try and get on it.

0:36:23 > 0:36:26So no matter what gay bar you end up in, keep it shtoom.

0:36:28 > 0:36:30I was watching that.

0:36:30 > 0:36:32Yeah, well, I have to have a word with you.

0:36:32 > 0:36:35You might want to slip into your negligee.

0:36:35 > 0:36:37LOUD ROCK MUSIC

0:36:40 > 0:36:42- You see this mosh pit? - Yeah.

0:36:42 > 0:36:47- Well, they're mostly house staffers, senators' interns.- Oh, yeah?

0:36:47 > 0:36:52Tonight they rage hard, but tomorrow they go back to the Hill and argue noise reduction legislation.

0:36:54 > 0:36:56Is this yours or mine?

0:36:56 > 0:36:57I don't know, I've got three.

0:36:57 > 0:36:59So one of these has got to be yours.

0:36:59 > 0:37:01Those are like fluids that I've never...

0:37:01 > 0:37:03Would you call wax a fluid?

0:37:03 > 0:37:05- No, it's not a fluid, it's a... - That's very intimate.

0:37:05 > 0:37:07It's an ooze...it's an ooze.

0:37:07 > 0:37:10Ooooh...eurgh!

0:37:15 > 0:37:18Karen will want you to say, "War is unforeseeable."

0:37:18 > 0:37:22And Linton will want you to talk up the "climbing the mountain of conflict" line.

0:37:22 > 0:37:24You say nothing, OK?

0:37:24 > 0:37:27You stay detached, otherwise that's what I will do to your retinas.

0:37:27 > 0:37:31- Right.- Can I go to bed now, please? No, no, no, no.

0:37:31 > 0:37:35We're going to stay here and you are going to rehearse saying nothing.

0:37:35 > 0:37:37Am I being tortured?

0:37:38 > 0:37:43- You look worried. - It's the paper that I wrote for Karen.

0:37:43 > 0:37:46It's called PWIP PIP, it's about war.

0:37:46 > 0:37:49The pros and cons, and I came up with too many cons.

0:37:49 > 0:37:52I'm, like, fucking worried because...

0:37:52 > 0:37:56This is, like, my career on the line.

0:37:56 > 0:37:59I thought you were worried, because you were looking worried.

0:37:59 > 0:38:01But you know, don't...

0:38:01 > 0:38:04I mean, don't...don't worry.

0:38:04 > 0:38:07- Thank you.- OK.

0:38:07 > 0:38:10- Sure.- Thank you.

0:38:10 > 0:38:12God damn it!

0:38:14 > 0:38:15Are you OK?

0:38:15 > 0:38:17Yeah, I'm just taking off my shoes.

0:38:17 > 0:38:19- Why is that? Is it a mosque? - It's just, like...

0:38:19 > 0:38:21THE GIGGLE

0:38:21 > 0:38:23Is it... Is it a bouncy castle?

0:38:23 > 0:38:27HE BURPS

0:38:27 > 0:38:28- THEY GIGGLE - OK...

0:38:28 > 0:38:31THEY KISS Mmm...

0:38:31 > 0:38:34Can I just say, what happens in Washington,

0:38:34 > 0:38:36stays in Washington, yeah?

0:38:36 > 0:38:41Well, I live in Washington, so that doesn't, like, really work for me.

0:38:41 > 0:38:43Yeah?

0:38:58 > 0:39:01A number for a cab company in Washington DC, please.

0:39:01 > 0:39:03Just straight through, straight through.

0:39:04 > 0:39:06Hi, I need a cab.

0:39:06 > 0:39:07Well, I don't know.

0:39:07 > 0:39:11I'm outside number 1427 moving on...

0:39:11 > 0:39:16I don't know, it's a nice street, it's quite leafy, federal houses.

0:39:22 > 0:39:25Marcel's is nice. I like their wraps.

0:39:25 > 0:39:29And you should go to La Taverna, the Greek place, it's fantastic.

0:39:29 > 0:39:31They do that thing - set fire to the cheese.

0:39:31 > 0:39:33What's that called? It's fun.

0:39:33 > 0:39:35Yeah, that sounds fun.

0:39:38 > 0:39:43And, well, there's the Aerospace Museum and the National Gallery.

0:39:43 > 0:39:46Do they set fire to the pictures?

0:39:46 > 0:39:48- THEY LAUGH - Yeah.

0:39:50 > 0:39:56Hi, sorry I'm so late for the meeting. One or two issues getting here, but...

0:39:56 > 0:39:58- I'm Karen.- Hi. Toby.

0:39:58 > 0:39:59Pull an all-nighter?

0:39:59 > 0:40:01Well, I...

0:40:01 > 0:40:05- I was led astray.- Oh. By who?

0:40:05 > 0:40:12- I... I just ran into some people from the MOD and...- Not Penny Grayling?

0:40:12 > 0:40:17No. Another...gang.

0:40:17 > 0:40:21- Wow, I didn't realise we had so many delegations in town.- No, well...

0:40:21 > 0:40:24"The British are coming!"

0:40:29 > 0:40:30So, um...

0:40:30 > 0:40:33Yeah, you know what? I have a lot of things to check on just now.

0:40:33 > 0:40:37So this would probably be a good place to break things up.

0:40:37 > 0:40:39No problem.

0:40:39 > 0:40:42Brilliant. Bye.

0:40:45 > 0:40:47I've brought your bag for you.

0:40:47 > 0:40:51- Cheers, man.- Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act here,

0:40:51 > 0:40:55but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act.

0:40:55 > 0:40:57Like section one, paragraph one -

0:40:57 > 0:41:00don't leave your boss twisting in the wind,

0:41:00 > 0:41:05and then burst in late smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.

0:41:05 > 0:41:08"The British are coming."

0:41:08 > 0:41:13All right, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?

0:41:13 > 0:41:15No, you're right, I'm being unfair.

0:41:15 > 0:41:19I should be thanking you for not throwing up.

0:41:19 > 0:41:21Well done, you're a star.

0:41:21 > 0:41:24You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city.

0:41:24 > 0:41:26You didn't say anything overtly racist.

0:41:26 > 0:41:28You didn't pull your dick out

0:41:28 > 0:41:31and start plucking it and shouting, "Willy banjo."

0:41:31 > 0:41:33No, I'm being really unfair.

0:41:33 > 0:41:38You'd got so much right without actually being there

0:41:38 > 0:41:42for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career.

0:41:42 > 0:41:45Thanks, you're a legend.

0:41:51 > 0:41:54That was just the beginning, do you think? Are we going back in there?

0:41:54 > 0:41:56I don't know, we barely said hello.

0:41:56 > 0:42:00I've had muggings that lasted longer. We talked about flammable cheese.

0:42:00 > 0:42:02What if our meeting has finished?

0:42:02 > 0:42:06What if Karen comes back, and then we're still sitting here?

0:42:06 > 0:42:10It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies.

0:42:10 > 0:42:14What if it hasn't finished and she comes back and we've disappeared?

0:42:14 > 0:42:17Maybe I could call Judy? She could...

0:42:17 > 0:42:20Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy?

0:42:20 > 0:42:22Fine.

0:42:22 > 0:42:23I think we've drawn

0:42:23 > 0:42:26long enough from that...

0:42:26 > 0:42:28teat.

0:42:30 > 0:42:31Surprisingly enough,

0:42:31 > 0:42:34- a lot of the marble in the building is not imported.- Really?

0:42:34 > 0:42:36- It's interesting...- Very interesting.

0:42:36 > 0:42:38- If you study the stonework. - Not at the moment.

0:42:38 > 0:42:40So, you made it in OK, right?

0:42:40 > 0:42:42Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks.

0:42:42 > 0:42:44- Can I get a coffee?- Sure, sure.

0:42:44 > 0:42:48If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly.

0:42:50 > 0:42:52- Your assistant?- Yeah.

0:42:52 > 0:42:54So, item...

0:42:54 > 0:42:58We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament,

0:42:58 > 0:43:01- the bumps in the road ahead and what not.- I'm sorry, I don't...

0:43:01 > 0:43:04This situation here is... Is this it?

0:43:04 > 0:43:07No offence, son, but you look like you should be at school

0:43:07 > 0:43:09with your head down a fucking toilet.

0:43:09 > 0:43:11Your first point there, the offence?

0:43:11 > 0:43:12I'm going to have to take it.

0:43:12 > 0:43:16Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so...

0:43:16 > 0:43:19If it'll make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.

0:43:19 > 0:43:21Don't get sarcastic with me, son.

0:43:21 > 0:43:24We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814.

0:43:24 > 0:43:28And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck.

0:43:28 > 0:43:31You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool

0:43:31 > 0:43:36down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy bunny.

0:43:36 > 0:43:39I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.

0:43:39 > 0:43:42Yes, Assistant Secretary of State, Linton Barwick

0:43:42 > 0:43:45asked me to brief you on the Future Planning Committee.

0:43:45 > 0:43:47I'm away.

0:43:47 > 0:43:49And here we are. The fucking Vice President

0:43:49 > 0:43:51has also graced us with his presence.

0:43:51 > 0:43:53Give him a bottle of milk.

0:43:53 > 0:43:55You didn't wake me up.

0:43:55 > 0:43:58The thought crossed my mind, but you just looked so sweet there.

0:43:58 > 0:44:00You know, with the jet-lag and all.

0:44:00 > 0:44:03I don't know, I thought you knew what you were doing.

0:44:03 > 0:44:05I didn't know what I was doing, I was asleep.

0:44:05 > 0:44:09That's how people walk through windows, that's how that happens.

0:44:09 > 0:44:10- Hey, Liza?- Yeah.

0:44:10 > 0:44:14I've got another call for you about the committee from Senator Crudden's office.

0:44:14 > 0:44:16Crudden? What is going on?

0:44:16 > 0:44:18How did CNN know about the committee?

0:44:18 > 0:44:22- Did Linton post, like, an invite on Facebook or something?- Liza?

0:44:22 > 0:44:26Everyone is so hot for this paper, I just wanted to let you know.

0:44:26 > 0:44:28I'm about to run off another ten copies.

0:44:28 > 0:44:30- Just stop.- It's like a Harry Potter book,

0:44:30 > 0:44:33if Harry Potter made people really, really angry.

0:44:33 > 0:44:37You're in hot water, you're lobsterising. Do you smell lobster?

0:44:37 > 0:44:40Because I smell lobster. Strong...

0:44:40 > 0:44:42bisque wafting this way.

0:44:42 > 0:44:44How far would you go with Linton?

0:44:44 > 0:44:46You freaky little stalker.

0:44:46 > 0:44:49Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?

0:44:49 > 0:44:53- Smells like bisque.- Smells like bisque?- Smells like bisque.

0:44:59 > 0:45:02Where's the war committee? I thought I was going there.

0:45:02 > 0:45:05Simon's going. I thought you were doing your one-to-one?

0:45:05 > 0:45:09- Just tell me where the fuck it's happening!- The State Department on the seventh floor.

0:45:09 > 0:45:15- Malcolm?- What?- Do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?

0:45:15 > 0:45:19Let me tell you what's going on where you are. A certain vinegar-faced, manipulative cow-bag

0:45:19 > 0:45:22is about to discover that she's out of a fu...

0:45:22 > 0:45:26job... Fucking hung up! You fucking hoity-toity fucking...

0:45:26 > 0:45:29Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right?

0:45:29 > 0:45:31Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.

0:45:33 > 0:45:35There's the grenade.

0:45:35 > 0:45:37I know, I'm looking at it.

0:45:37 > 0:45:41He's got "climb the mountain of conflict" on his picture.

0:45:41 > 0:45:42He's picked up on that?

0:45:42 > 0:45:45On the bumper sticker.

0:45:45 > 0:45:47(Shit, there's Karen Clark.)

0:45:47 > 0:45:48Have a meeting, have a meeting.

0:45:52 > 0:45:56What about the dialectic, as it spreads across the territories?

0:45:56 > 0:46:00- Interesting dialectic...- Oh, hi. - Hi. I'll see you at the committee.

0:46:00 > 0:46:05- We're just sorting out a bit of prep, finishing stuff. - Very good, that's great.

0:46:05 > 0:46:08- Liza, they're still here. - I know. I told them where it was.

0:46:08 > 0:46:13- OK, let's go, let's go. Come on. Quick! We've got to keep up with them.- Let's roll.

0:46:13 > 0:46:17No, you can't say "let's roll". They don't like it here.

0:46:17 > 0:46:22- That's just who asked to be in on the committee, it's crazy.- Yeah. - Hello.- Hello.

0:46:22 > 0:46:25Are you joining us, or shall we see you there?

0:46:25 > 0:46:27Oh, I'm so sorry. No, see you there.

0:46:27 > 0:46:31I don't need to do any of the things that you need to go in there to do,

0:46:31 > 0:46:33so I'll just see you there.

0:46:33 > 0:46:35- Toby, do you need to use the...? - No, no, no.

0:46:35 > 0:46:36I don't need the restroom.

0:46:36 > 0:46:37All right, OK.

0:46:39 > 0:46:40(Yeah, they're insane.)

0:46:42 > 0:46:44- Where is it?- (I don't know.)

0:46:44 > 0:46:46- We can wait here.- Wait round here.

0:46:46 > 0:46:48When they come out, we'll follow them again.

0:46:55 > 0:46:58Plenty of room down the back.

0:46:58 > 0:47:02We seem to be overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh?

0:47:02 > 0:47:03There must have been a leak.

0:47:03 > 0:47:06Really, no kidding(?) Unbelievable!

0:47:06 > 0:47:08Is this the wrestling? Is that the ring?

0:47:08 > 0:47:10There's General Miller.

0:47:10 > 0:47:14- I think it's best that we move... - Reconvene.- ..reconvene to a larger venue.

0:47:14 > 0:47:17If you follow my lead. Take an agenda.

0:47:17 > 0:47:22- Please take an agenda, we want to stick to that. - This is a cluster fuck.

0:47:22 > 0:47:24- How did CNN know about this? - < Hold onto that one!

0:47:24 > 0:47:26I'm thinking we could you Miller to sign it?

0:47:26 > 0:47:29If we could do this with a certain amount of energy.

0:47:29 > 0:47:31Just this way, folks.

0:47:31 > 0:47:33Moo!

0:47:33 > 0:47:35Moo...

0:47:36 > 0:47:39HE PANTS

0:47:39 > 0:47:43- Find a chair, wherever you're comfortable.- More this way.

0:47:43 > 0:47:46Excellent(!) I'm room meat again.

0:47:46 > 0:47:49This is a massive abattoir of room meat.

0:47:50 > 0:47:56Just so you know, Karen and I did not appreciate having to skulk around like Mulder and Scully

0:47:56 > 0:47:57to find out about the committee.

0:47:57 > 0:48:00Well, you're both here now, huh, John and Yoko?

0:48:00 > 0:48:02We need to talk.

0:48:02 > 0:48:05How about my office, 12.30 tomorrow, huh?

0:48:05 > 0:48:08- OK, off you go.- What do you mean? - I've got this covered.

0:48:08 > 0:48:10Go and find the next thing.

0:48:10 > 0:48:14Talk to that Chad boy, the boy from The Shining. He knows things.

0:48:14 > 0:48:17- Don't make me pump Chad. - No, I'm making you pump Chad.

0:48:17 > 0:48:20- Go on, it'll be easy peasy lemon squeezy.- No, it won't.

0:48:20 > 0:48:24It'll be difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. That is what it'll be.

0:48:24 > 0:48:26Have a lovely afternoon.

0:48:26 > 0:48:28Stop a war for me.

0:48:28 > 0:48:33So, welcome to the somewhat engorged session of the Future Planning Committee.

0:48:33 > 0:48:40Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels like there's already been an assumption

0:48:40 > 0:48:45that we're invading, and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications?

0:48:45 > 0:48:47I mean, this is, after all, the war committee.

0:48:47 > 0:48:50This is the Future Planning Committee.

0:48:50 > 0:48:53Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee.

0:48:53 > 0:48:57Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want.

0:48:57 > 0:49:02Unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen. It is a glass of water.

0:49:02 > 0:49:05And this is the Future Planning Committee.

0:49:05 > 0:49:08Unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.

0:49:09 > 0:49:11Hey. What's all this?

0:49:11 > 0:49:13"Climb the mountain of conflict".

0:49:13 > 0:49:16We're just choosing a font that... looks appropriate.

0:49:16 > 0:49:20What about that font the SS used? Have you thought about using that one?

0:49:20 > 0:49:24- Er...well, that obviously has bad connotations.- Heavy metal?

0:49:24 > 0:49:26- No, the SS.- Oh, right.

0:49:30 > 0:49:36Has a decision already been made, in principle, to advocate invasion?

0:49:36 > 0:49:39I would refer you to the recent comments

0:49:39 > 0:49:43of our colleague from the UK, Mr Simon Foster, in that regard.

0:49:43 > 0:49:48Yes, I think that Mr Foster would have something to say to that.

0:49:48 > 0:49:52I'm... I'm certainly hearing both sides.

0:49:52 > 0:49:57In England, we have a saying for the very situation such as this,

0:49:57 > 0:50:02which is that it's difficult, difficult...

0:50:02 > 0:50:04lemon difficult...

0:50:07 > 0:50:09You betcha. Huh?

0:50:09 > 0:50:11I do think a consensus is forming.

0:50:11 > 0:50:16- No, no, it's not, and you have no basis for saying that. - Karen...Karen, calm down.

0:50:16 > 0:50:19Because we don't want you to have another haemorrhage.

0:50:23 > 0:50:25- Linton! Linton!- Hmm?

0:50:25 > 0:50:30Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again.

0:50:30 > 0:50:31Are you fucking me about?

0:50:33 > 0:50:35Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?

0:50:35 > 0:50:39- I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child. - You're talking about AJ.

0:50:39 > 0:50:41AJ is one of our top guys.

0:50:41 > 0:50:44He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard.

0:50:44 > 0:50:45One of the brightest and best.

0:50:45 > 0:50:49Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti.

0:50:49 > 0:50:51I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord.

0:50:51 > 0:50:56I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age.

0:50:56 > 0:50:59But could we just move on to what's important here?

0:50:59 > 0:51:02Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you

0:51:02 > 0:51:07to supply us with some, let's say, fresh British intelligence,

0:51:07 > 0:51:09- is that true?- Yeah.

0:51:09 > 0:51:14Apparently, your fucking master race of highly gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...

0:51:14 > 0:51:17- OK.- ..between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers,

0:51:17 > 0:51:21- so a grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out. - Ah, Minister!

0:51:21 > 0:51:24Thank you so much for your support. We appreciate it.

0:51:24 > 0:51:27And what did you say, "climb the mountain of conflict"?

0:51:27 > 0:51:30- That's terrific.- It's quite complicated in terms of my...

0:51:30 > 0:51:33It's early days, my friend. All roads lead to Munich.

0:51:33 > 0:51:36All roads lead to Munich?! What the fuck does that mean?

0:51:36 > 0:51:39I think it just means... Actually, I don't know what it means.

0:51:41 > 0:51:44You see that? Pull that out, America deflates.

0:51:44 > 0:51:49Very easy to mock. The closest you'll come to getting one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone.

0:51:49 > 0:51:52I'll meet you in the car. Come on, back to London.

0:51:52 > 0:51:57So, what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?

0:51:57 > 0:52:00Constituency surgery in Northampton.

0:52:00 > 0:52:02Oh, great(!)

0:52:02 > 0:52:04Meeting my constituents.

0:52:04 > 0:52:10It's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental."

0:52:19 > 0:52:20It's stuck.

0:52:20 > 0:52:22Simon, do you mind?

0:52:22 > 0:52:26If you just kick it at the bottom really hard, that should do it.

0:52:28 > 0:52:31I'm just going to go and deal with that guttering.

0:52:31 > 0:52:35- We've just come back from America, Roz.- Right.

0:52:35 > 0:52:39- How was the President? - Good, actually. Yeah.- Good!

0:52:42 > 0:52:47Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen. From White House to shite house.

0:52:47 > 0:52:50Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this, could you get under there?

0:52:52 > 0:52:55- Is that any better?- No.

0:52:55 > 0:53:01This septic tank, if we didn't even know it was there, how come we're responsible for it now?

0:53:01 > 0:53:06- I think what's causing the problem is that it's not actually a COUNCIL septic tank.- Uh-huh.

0:53:06 > 0:53:09- You should leave this to us now. - Really?

0:53:09 > 0:53:12Certainly. I'm completely on board.

0:53:12 > 0:53:14- Is he? - Thanks for coming in.- Yeah.

0:53:14 > 0:53:16- Right.- All right?- Yes, thank you.

0:53:16 > 0:53:19- Thank you.- Thanks very much.- Thanks. - Thanks.

0:53:19 > 0:53:22- Hello.- Hello.- Mr Foster. - Call me Simon.

0:53:22 > 0:53:28- Right, OK.- You've met Roz. - I know I have.- Lovely.- I'll keep it brief, I know you're a busy man.

0:53:28 > 0:53:34- There's a fellow over there who wants to stop people talking in foreign languages in shops.- Yeah.

0:53:34 > 0:53:38Well, this sometimes can be a magnet for people who are slightly mentally dispossessed.

0:53:41 > 0:53:44And also very sensible people, like yourself, Paul.

0:53:44 > 0:53:47- Paul, why don't you...- Don't you fucking patronise me, mate.

0:53:47 > 0:53:53Paul, why don't you just outline the whole issue?

0:53:53 > 0:53:58Right, OK, I'll tell you again. Your constituency side wall...

0:53:58 > 0:54:00- Uh-huh.- ..is falling down.

0:54:00 > 0:54:03Your wall...

0:54:03 > 0:54:05is falling into my mother's garden.

0:54:05 > 0:54:08She tried to call the office, but she was fobbed off.

0:54:08 > 0:54:13Fobbed off by your people, because she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car, or Madonna on a horse.

0:54:13 > 0:54:16- I find that sort of thing incredibly irritating myself. - PHONE RINGS

0:54:16 > 0:54:20- It's a patch from London, it's Karen Clark.- Right.- Urgent.

0:54:20 > 0:54:25- Hello? Sorry, am I not here? - Sorry, Paul. I have to take this.

0:54:25 > 0:54:27- Am I being fobbed off? - Absolutely not.

0:54:27 > 0:54:32What's the difference between being fobbed off and what happened? You won't be able to forget me!

0:54:32 > 0:54:33What's going on there, Simon?

0:54:33 > 0:54:35It's...it's departmental business.

0:54:35 > 0:54:37It's about a wall.

0:54:37 > 0:54:39- Oh, Gaza?- Uh-huh.

0:54:39 > 0:54:42I'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon.

0:54:42 > 0:54:45I called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit.

0:54:45 > 0:54:50Only maybe worse, because, on a molecular level, shit is probably fizzling with energy.

0:54:50 > 0:54:55I have to say, Karen, I do have a clear strategy on this, which is, I'm playing...playing the long game.

0:54:55 > 0:54:57- <- Still here, Simon.

0:54:57 > 0:55:00They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a...

0:55:00 > 0:55:03What do you call it in England? A wanker.

0:55:03 > 0:55:06- No, we don't call it that. - <- Paul. Paul.

0:55:06 > 0:55:09Perhaps if I had a bomb strapped to my chest, I'd get more attention.

0:55:09 > 0:55:14- He's mentioned the matter of a bomb. - I'm not going to let a bomb off!

0:55:14 > 0:55:18- I work for the National Trust. - How do I know you're not going to let a bomb off?- It's fine.

0:55:18 > 0:55:22Paul, why don't I give you the details of my cell so that you...

0:55:22 > 0:55:26- Mobile phone details. - Mobile phone details.

0:55:26 > 0:55:31- Have you got a mobile, Paul? - Of course I've got a fucking mobile! - Roz, what is wrong with you?

0:55:31 > 0:55:36- Five megapixels. - Can we look at the wall? Would that satisfy you?- Well, it's a start.

0:55:36 > 0:55:38Friends again? Let's go and do it.

0:55:38 > 0:55:42I'm not NOT your friend, and I'm not your friend. I'm just...

0:55:42 > 0:55:44- Thank you. - That's a pleasure.

0:55:44 > 0:55:49- Thank you.- Just... - Done. I'm done, I'm done.

0:55:49 > 0:55:52- I'm done.- Let's go have a good look at that wall.

0:55:52 > 0:55:55Four more constituents. How many are going to be like that?

0:55:55 > 0:55:57- MOBILE RINGS - OK, hang on.

0:55:57 > 0:56:01Also, the committee got leaked and that leak came from your department.

0:56:01 > 0:56:05'I want a head on a plate, to go.'

0:56:06 > 0:56:10You're not my boss. Er...fuck off!

0:56:10 > 0:56:12You can't make me sack people.

0:56:12 > 0:56:15Why does she want someone sacked?

0:56:15 > 0:56:17Ah, she said there's a leak.

0:56:17 > 0:56:21The detail of the committee meeting in America was made public.

0:56:21 > 0:56:23There shouldn't have been as many people there.

0:56:23 > 0:56:26Right, and who does she want sacked?

0:56:26 > 0:56:28Somebody from our office.

0:56:28 > 0:56:30- Right.- Let's forget about it.

0:56:30 > 0:56:33Come on, next person.

0:56:33 > 0:56:35- Could it have been Judy?- Probably.

0:56:36 > 0:56:40- PHONE RINGS - Judy?- Yes.- Can you come into my office? I need a word.

0:56:40 > 0:56:42One second. Tobes, that's for you.

0:56:42 > 0:56:46- What is it?- It's that madman about the wall.- The wall?

0:56:46 > 0:56:48Wall! Ooh.

0:56:48 > 0:56:51Will you please come into my office so I can give you a bollocking?

0:56:51 > 0:56:54- Yeah, OK, OK. What?!- Hello. Argh!

0:56:54 > 0:56:57- Fucker!- I want a word with you. And you, Charlotte fucking Bronte.- Eh?

0:56:57 > 0:56:59What can I do for you, Paul?

0:56:59 > 0:57:05- You know those buttresses that you had put up for the wall?- 'Yeah?'

0:57:05 > 0:57:09- They are utterly insubstantial to even the untrained eye, and I'm looking at them.- 'OK.'

0:57:09 > 0:57:11And my eye's trained.

0:57:11 > 0:57:14No, I get that, I do. I understand that.

0:57:14 > 0:57:18If that wall collapsed and my mother was in the greenhouse, that could crush her to death.

0:57:18 > 0:57:21Do you know how old she is? Tell the reporter how old you are.

0:57:21 > 0:57:24- I'm 60.- She's... You're not fucking 60!

0:57:24 > 0:57:28If it's going in the newspaper, I'm 60.

0:57:28 > 0:57:31Olivia Newton-John's 60, and she's not on the fucking statins!

0:57:31 > 0:57:34- I didn't leak anything. - Don't you fucking walk out on me.

0:57:34 > 0:57:37- I'm just getting my tea. - Let her get a cup of tea.

0:57:37 > 0:57:40Could you just get your mum to stay away from the wall for the time being?

0:57:40 > 0:57:43She can't. She's got to water her plants.

0:57:43 > 0:57:47Could she maybe do it with a hose, from a distance?

0:57:47 > 0:57:49She's got a WATERING CAN!

0:57:49 > 0:57:50Calm down, Paul, calm down.

0:57:50 > 0:57:53I'm not... I'm fucking Zen.

0:57:55 > 0:57:59- I've brought my nunchucks if you need 'em, sir. - See how the meeting goes.

0:58:01 > 0:58:0312.30.

0:58:03 > 0:58:05Hold on. General?

0:58:06 > 0:58:08Yeah...

0:58:08 > 0:58:12Secretary Linton Barwick asked me to let you know that his last meeting

0:58:12 > 0:58:17- looks like it's overrunning. He sends his apologies. - When will he be here?

0:58:17 > 0:58:20I don't have that information at this moment.

0:58:20 > 0:58:22What the fuck?

0:58:22 > 0:58:29- Huh? Did he stand me up?- No! No, sir. You're more than welcome to wait. - Do you know what I'm going to do?

0:58:29 > 0:58:34I'm going to take a nice big shit on his desk, just to let him know that I was here. Is that OK with you?

0:58:34 > 0:58:37I don't think he'd like that too much, sir.

0:58:39 > 0:58:43You can wait. We have some very interesting periodicals.

0:58:43 > 0:58:45- There's, um...- Oh, yeah!(!)

0:58:54 > 0:58:58You want me to read a periodical at this time of national crisis? Huh?

0:58:58 > 0:59:00Sit here with my thumb up my ass reading a paper?

0:59:00 > 0:59:04Finding out what? Which little starlet fucked some guy this week?

0:59:05 > 0:59:07No, I wasn't suggesting that, sir.

0:59:10 > 0:59:13Give this to your boss.

0:59:13 > 0:59:14Yeah...

0:59:17 > 0:59:19(Get out of my way.)

0:59:36 > 0:59:38Oh, my God.

0:59:38 > 0:59:42- What's up?- Fucking Linton stood me up. He's playing me,

0:59:42 > 0:59:46- like a turkey stick on a bass drum. - Do you know where he is? He's playing squash.

0:59:46 > 0:59:49With this little fucking twit?

0:59:49 > 0:59:52No, not with... No, that's Chad.

0:59:52 > 0:59:56He just carries that every day, because he's hoping to play squash.

0:59:56 > 0:59:58I was going to eat lunch in here.

0:59:58 > 1:00:01- Can you digest? Do you want some food?- Oh, yes, I can digest, yes.

1:00:01 > 1:00:03Chinese OK?

1:00:03 > 1:00:05Why don't you order me some little mammals?

1:00:05 > 1:00:09A little bunny and a little puppy and a little cat,

1:00:09 > 1:00:13- so I can twist their fucking neck off and drink their blood. - My, my. All right.

1:00:13 > 1:00:19"While Foster jets around at the taxpayers' expense, his constituency wall is collapsing

1:00:19 > 1:00:22- "and he doesn't give a shit." - It doesn't say that?

1:00:22 > 1:00:26- No. But it does say "Wall-ace and Gromit".- Wall-ACE, though.

1:00:26 > 1:00:30You're portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire and that's going some.

1:00:30 > 1:00:34I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to somebody else. Jamie!

1:00:34 > 1:00:37Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.

1:00:38 > 1:00:40Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.

1:00:40 > 1:00:42What is this? Surround bollocking?

1:00:42 > 1:00:43Hey, with due respect,

1:00:43 > 1:00:46I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty

1:00:46 > 1:00:50sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt.

1:00:50 > 1:00:55- Now I'm finished.- Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.- Oh, um...

1:00:55 > 1:00:57Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.

1:00:57 > 1:01:00Hi. Toby? Toby, I'm very pleased to meet you. Please sit down.

1:01:00 > 1:01:05- That's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries. - What's Oxbridge about saying hello?

1:01:05 > 1:01:09Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face?

1:01:09 > 1:01:14Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.

1:01:14 > 1:01:18- Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids.- Ha-ha.

1:01:18 > 1:01:26- Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you as a walrus.- A walrus?

1:01:26 > 1:01:31I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks.

1:01:31 > 1:01:34- Walrus.- Yes, I know.- You get it? Walrus, walrus.- I can see.

1:01:34 > 1:01:40- We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would. - What did you expect?!

1:01:40 > 1:01:46They're builders! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder?

1:01:46 > 1:01:51No! No, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh?

1:01:51 > 1:01:54That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!

1:01:54 > 1:01:58You know, my theory is Malcolm built him in a lab out of bits of old psychopath.

1:01:58 > 1:02:02- Hello, ladies.- Hello. - OK, well, I'm just going to go to the bar.

1:02:02 > 1:02:06- Good idea, we're on the Sancerre. - If you can afford that. I'll be fine.

1:02:06 > 1:02:11- IF you can get served at the bar. - Thank you, Oscar Wilde. - He might not get served, bless him.

1:02:11 > 1:02:14- PHONE BEEPS - Toby's got a message.

1:02:15 > 1:02:17What's that?

1:02:17 > 1:02:21- Oh, fucking wow, I don't believe it. - What?

1:02:21 > 1:02:29- I don't fucking... I don't believe it, he's done it again. Little shit! He's such a shit.- Aw.

1:02:29 > 1:02:31- What?- Here he is.

1:02:31 > 1:02:35There you are. The finest Sancerre in the Westminster reach.

1:02:35 > 1:02:38So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?

1:02:38 > 1:02:43- What? No.- Were you aware he was ball-deep in some Washington wonk?

1:02:43 > 1:02:45- Suzy!- I didn't know anything about his balls.

1:02:45 > 1:02:49Can we not discuss my balls and accusations in...

1:02:49 > 1:02:51Just tell me why.

1:02:51 > 1:02:52Huh?

1:02:55 > 1:02:56I don't know, Suzy.

1:02:56 > 1:03:00- It was very weird over there, very intense.- Right.

1:03:00 > 1:03:05Maybe, I don't know, on some level, subconsciously,

1:03:05 > 1:03:07it was like a... it was just...

1:03:07 > 1:03:10it was a last-ditch attempt to...

1:03:10 > 1:03:12stop this...

1:03:12 > 1:03:17awful war, you know? SNORTING

1:03:17 > 1:03:20- Just on a... I mean, you know, I don't mean, obviously, to try...- Wow.

1:03:20 > 1:03:23- That's classic! - ..to try and actually stop it.

1:03:23 > 1:03:26Toby, did you just say that you had sex to stop the war?

1:03:26 > 1:03:29- No, no, no.- An anti-war shag? Is that what you thought, Toby?

1:03:29 > 1:03:31Because, that's... Wow.

1:03:31 > 1:03:35Can we go and discuss this somewhere where there aren't enormous children eating snacks?

1:03:35 > 1:03:40He's got his little cannons and he's got his little guns and...

1:03:40 > 1:03:43this is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war.

1:03:43 > 1:03:46Once you've been there, once you've seen it,

1:03:46 > 1:03:50you never want to go again, unless you absolutely fucking have to.

1:03:50 > 1:03:52It's like France.

1:03:53 > 1:03:58- Is there anything besides this to eat?- Have something else. This has got a little protein, have that.

1:03:58 > 1:04:00What's this, fish ass?

1:04:00 > 1:04:05- So, you read Liza's paper, I guess? - Yeah, I'm a voracious reader.

1:04:05 > 1:04:08I am the Gore Vidal of the Pentagon.

1:04:08 > 1:04:10- Gore's gay.- No, he's not.

1:04:10 > 1:04:12I beg to differ, but...

1:04:12 > 1:04:15He's gay? Because I've been saying that Gore Vidal line.

1:04:15 > 1:04:17He is gay.

1:04:17 > 1:04:19Guess I'd better stop saying that, then.

1:04:19 > 1:04:21It's ridiculous.

1:04:21 > 1:04:26The case against war is far stronger than the case for war, and the case for war is caveated all to hell.

1:04:26 > 1:04:31"Most analysts believe the state is looking to expand aggressively beyond its borders."

1:04:31 > 1:04:36- Then you look down the caveats. The only source is "Ice Man", a possible alcoholic.- Exactly.

1:04:36 > 1:04:41- He probably does ten bags of methamphetamine a day. The Ice Man. - If he even exists.

1:04:41 > 1:04:46- "The INR says we can't trust him." We're disputing our intelligence. - I know.- We should leak this.

1:04:46 > 1:04:48When do you want to leak it?

1:04:48 > 1:04:52- Me?- Isn't that what you were suggesting?- No.

1:04:52 > 1:04:56- You don't have to say that it came from you. - No, I'm not leaking it.

1:04:59 > 1:05:00Liza looks good today.

1:05:05 > 1:05:08- I mean, has Linton read this thing? - I don't think Linton reads.

1:05:12 > 1:05:15Why don't you give it a couple of weeks to settle down?

1:05:15 > 1:05:18Oh, great, just what we need. Old Anti-war Fuck is back.

1:05:18 > 1:05:23- What the fuck's Cocoon doing here? - What are you doing here? - I live here.- You don't, actually.

1:05:23 > 1:05:27- Want another cup of tea, Michael? - Yes, please. I'd love one.

1:05:27 > 1:05:29I'm taking MY stuff from the kitchen.

1:05:29 > 1:05:30- Do you want me to go? - No, you stay there.

1:05:30 > 1:05:33He's just getting his brie and his peri-peri.

1:05:33 > 1:05:36- Do you want me to help him pack? - And my quince paste.

1:05:36 > 1:05:38Quince paste, he's such a prick.

1:05:38 > 1:05:41- Just going to gather up his shit clothes.- Shut up.

1:05:43 > 1:05:46That's not how you fold them.

1:05:46 > 1:05:50I'm not going to fucking Fiji, I'm getting chucked out of my house.

1:05:50 > 1:05:55- They're going in bin liners.- It makes all the difference at the other end.- There is no other end!

1:05:55 > 1:05:59- Has she got big tits? - Oh, Christ alive. Yes, actually, she has.

1:05:59 > 1:06:01She's got massive tits. Yes.

1:06:01 > 1:06:04Look them up on Google Earth. They've got their own postcode.

1:06:04 > 1:06:10- Have they?- They're so enormous that they actually suck in other tits from the surrounding area.- Like you?

1:06:13 > 1:06:15See you, then.

1:06:15 > 1:06:16OK.

1:06:16 > 1:06:19Um...

1:06:19 > 1:06:24- Suzy, this is probably going to sound a bit odd under the circumstances, but...- A quickie?

1:06:24 > 1:06:28No. Thank you, but no.

1:06:28 > 1:06:33- It's about Liza. Liza wrote a paper, it's called PWIP PIP.- PWIP what?

1:06:33 > 1:06:36- PWIP PIP. - Who wrote that? Charles Dickens?

1:06:36 > 1:06:40- Post War Planning Implications... - Yeah, all right.

1:06:40 > 1:06:45Right. I think, it could, if it was leaked, stop this kind of rush towards a war,

1:06:45 > 1:06:47you know, too quickly, that sort of thing.

1:06:47 > 1:06:50- Just if it was leaked. - You are such a coward.

1:06:50 > 1:06:53Take your backlog of Mojo and your shit clothes

1:06:53 > 1:06:58and your eighth of dope and your flute, and piss off.

1:06:58 > 1:07:02OK, I'll just leave it there.

1:07:07 > 1:07:11I need advice myself. Let's take care of the car.

1:07:11 > 1:07:14This should not be here. This should not be here.

1:07:14 > 1:07:17- Sir. Everyone?- The car is ready? - All taken care of, sir.

1:07:17 > 1:07:23- I'm handling travel.- Why are people running around? This had better be a fucking fire drill.

1:07:23 > 1:07:27The President just announced he's vetoing tariffs on Chinese auto imports.

1:07:27 > 1:07:29That means... he's buttering the Chinese up?

1:07:29 > 1:07:33He needs the Chinese to at least abstain on the Security Council.

1:07:33 > 1:07:38- OK, so we're going to the UN. - Yes, we're going to the UN.- Shit.

1:07:38 > 1:07:41Why didn't you tell me, LIZA?!

1:07:41 > 1:07:46Since I created the budget deficit, the President doesn't tend to run things by me any more.

1:07:46 > 1:07:51- Don't get funny with me. I am not in the mood to joke. - I'm...I'm getting that.

1:07:51 > 1:07:55If you say we're leaving in ten minutes, that means we're leaving right now.

1:07:55 > 1:07:58Not that I don't trust you, but I don't trust you!

1:07:58 > 1:08:02I am going go into Linton's office and pull the little pin on that fucking grenade.

1:08:02 > 1:08:05- Don't do that.- I'm fucking joking. I'm not going to do that.

1:08:05 > 1:08:07We have an elevator waiting for us.

1:08:07 > 1:08:09Good. Step in, thank you very much. Just...

1:08:09 > 1:08:12I just...

1:08:12 > 1:08:15This job is incredibly stressful, you know that?

1:08:15 > 1:08:21Simon, you're not a lion-tamer, you're not a snooker player.

1:08:21 > 1:08:24I don't want to back a war, Judy.

1:08:25 > 1:08:31Look, put some hints out there, put some nods and some winks out that I'm toying with resignation, OK?

1:08:31 > 1:08:33See if the PM reacts.

1:08:33 > 1:08:35You want me to put out some winks?

1:08:35 > 1:08:38- And nods, yeah.- What? Big nods?

1:08:38 > 1:08:41No, no, just sort of... that sort of size nod.

1:08:41 > 1:08:43- OK.- No, no, that's much too big.

1:08:43 > 1:08:49- I'm just nodding normally to say I understand the need for a small nod. - Oh, yeah. No, no, sorry, yeah.

1:08:49 > 1:08:53All right now, my lovely friends, the bottom line is...

1:08:53 > 1:08:55Oh, God, I hate that phrase - bottom line.

1:08:55 > 1:09:00- We're not in retailing. - Sorry. Michael's right. I apologise. I won't use that again.

1:09:00 > 1:09:06The bottom line is, the President is going to the UN. This'll be the vote to commence military intervention.

1:09:06 > 1:09:13The PM has decided that we should join him. Rob, Innis, Little Bo Cock Jockey and Leaky Fucking Mingebox,

1:09:13 > 1:09:18go back to your desks and prepare to start briefing now.

1:09:18 > 1:09:21- Do you mind if we use your office? - What?- For a couple of minutes?

1:09:21 > 1:09:27- Yeah. Michael, sorry. Bottom line is, can you come out again?- Might need to turn the music off.- Yes.

1:09:29 > 1:09:34Right. OK. So, this is all going to spin along from here? We're going to have a vote and go to war.

1:09:34 > 1:09:37We'll kill people. Our children will get killed.

1:09:37 > 1:09:41This is exactly the sort of thing that I didn't want to do when I went into politics.

1:09:41 > 1:09:46- It's the opposite of what I wanted to be doing.- That's why you have to stay in Government, to influence.

1:09:46 > 1:09:49You can influence things, you can delay things.

1:09:49 > 1:09:54Out there, you're just another shouty mad fucker who people don't want to make eye contact with.

1:09:54 > 1:09:58Remember Mary? She took a stand on health. Everybody decided that she was mental.

1:09:58 > 1:10:02Because the Sun showed a picture of her with wide eyes and her head on a cow.

1:10:02 > 1:10:05I found that a particularly powerful image.

1:10:05 > 1:10:09Look...the Prime Minister of this country, he's not a fucking Viking, is he?

1:10:09 > 1:10:13He doesn't drink blood. He doesn't go around biting tramps.

1:10:13 > 1:10:16I know the Prime Minister isn't a Viking, Malcolm.

1:10:16 > 1:10:18Unlike me, he abhors physical violence.

1:10:18 > 1:10:20Where is the intelligence?

1:10:20 > 1:10:23We have got the fucking intelligence!

1:10:23 > 1:10:26- I haven't seen it.- The intelligence we've got is so deep,

1:10:26 > 1:10:29so fucking hard, it'll fucking puncture your kidneys.

1:10:29 > 1:10:31Where's it coming from?

1:10:31 > 1:10:34There is an informant. Ice Man.

1:10:34 > 1:10:36Ice Man?

1:10:36 > 1:10:40I don't name them. Ice Man. Yeah.

1:10:40 > 1:10:43And the fact is, the stuff that he's given us is... I've seen it.

1:10:43 > 1:10:47It would make your blood run cold

1:10:47 > 1:10:53and clot and turn your insides into fucking black puddings, but certain box-lickers are sitting on it,

1:10:53 > 1:10:59but you're going to see it, because the PM regards you as a key player in this now.

1:10:59 > 1:11:05- Simon, the Prime Minister wants to speak to you in ten minutes. He wants you to go to the UN.- OK.

1:11:05 > 1:11:07See? You're on the A-list now.

1:11:07 > 1:11:11- You're there in the VIP lounge. You're a fucking Kennedy. - Yeah, Malcolm...

1:11:11 > 1:11:14You've got the gold card, the complimentary drinks, the fucking hard-on.

1:11:14 > 1:11:19- Show me the evidence - my bottom fucking line. - Don't you start, as well.

1:11:22 > 1:11:24Should I resign?

1:11:24 > 1:11:29I floated that I might, then I thought I wouldn't, so it'll look convincing if I did.

1:11:29 > 1:11:35I mean, do you think, is it braver to just resign and say, "No. No war"?

1:11:35 > 1:11:38- Yes.- Or...

1:11:38 > 1:11:40is it braver...

1:11:40 > 1:11:43to say, "I don't agree,"

1:11:43 > 1:11:45- and just grit my teeth and get on with it?- No.

1:11:45 > 1:11:49Is the really brave thing actually doing what you don't believe?

1:11:49 > 1:11:52- No.- Maybe.

1:11:52 > 1:11:53Because...

1:11:53 > 1:11:57What's actually brave about doing the right thing? Nothing.

1:11:57 > 1:11:59You know, doing the wrong thing is...

1:11:59 > 1:12:02is...is braver, in a way, isn't it?

1:12:02 > 1:12:07And wars do sometimes work.

1:12:07 > 1:12:09That, um...

1:12:09 > 1:12:11the war for independence.

1:12:11 > 1:12:14You know, that worked for the Americans, didn't it?

1:12:14 > 1:12:16And, um...

1:12:16 > 1:12:18The Second World War.

1:12:18 > 1:12:23- I know, it's not... It wasn't a good idea, millions died. - No, no, I know what you mean.

1:12:23 > 1:12:25The Crimean War. We got nurses out of that.

1:12:25 > 1:12:29- Nurses are good.- Yes. Exactly. So, right...well...no...exactly.

1:12:32 > 1:12:35- So... - SHE CLEARS HE THROAT

1:12:35 > 1:12:36..you're not resigning?

1:12:41 > 1:12:44In the motorcade, can we get a car without Judy, please?

1:12:44 > 1:12:45You want hookers?

1:12:45 > 1:12:47You like hooky fucky, sir?

1:12:47 > 1:12:51- No, I don't want... I want to talk about resigning.- What again?

1:12:51 > 1:12:53Yes, but with you and not her.

1:12:57 > 1:13:02- So, the wires are all currently reporting that you're going to resign over the war.- What?

1:13:02 > 1:13:07- That's not supposed to get out. - Well, it is. It's lurking, like a hairy rapist at a coach station.

1:13:07 > 1:13:11Do you know, if I could, I'd fucking punch you into paralysis.

1:13:14 > 1:13:17So, you must be Simon. I'm the British Ambassador to the UN,

1:13:17 > 1:13:21Sir Jonathon Tutt. Well, this is it, ladies and gentlemen.

1:13:21 > 1:13:25This is the United Nations. We, sir, are in here.

1:13:25 > 1:13:28So, if there's anything you need, just give me a whistle.

1:13:28 > 1:13:31You know how to do that, don't you? What do you do? Hm? That's right.

1:13:31 > 1:13:34You put your lips together and you blow.

1:13:34 > 1:13:39I'm going to head up to this informal delegates' reception. I hope there's some nibbles,

1:13:39 > 1:13:43- because I'm ravenous. - Nibbles. Who still says "nibbles"?

1:13:43 > 1:13:46Fuck the nibbles. What was with the homoerotic tension?

1:13:46 > 1:13:50OK. Your phone's off, but there's been a catastro-fuck here.

1:13:50 > 1:13:53Someone's leaked Liza Weld's PWIP PIP paper to the BBC.

1:13:53 > 1:13:55Jesus Christ!

1:13:56 > 1:13:58Ah, here we go.

1:13:58 > 1:14:02I reckon it's going to be on the six o'clock news, one o'clock your time.

1:14:02 > 1:14:05That is going to fucking fist your UN vote to death.

1:14:05 > 1:14:08Hey, you! Freeze! Right. Missing you loads.

1:14:08 > 1:14:11PWIP PIP, toodle-oo. ..I want a fucking word with you.

1:14:11 > 1:14:13OK, Jamie, two jobs. Job one.

1:14:13 > 1:14:17Find the PWIP PIP leaker and kill them. Job one has two parts.

1:14:17 > 1:14:20Job two. Go to the BBC and find out who's got it there.

1:14:20 > 1:14:24We need them to delay till after the vote. Yeah? I love you.

1:14:26 > 1:14:27HE WHISTLES

1:14:27 > 1:14:30Excuse me, I need a word with you.

1:14:30 > 1:14:33- Do not move from here or I'll fucking stab you.- OK.

1:14:33 > 1:14:35- Right. Was it you? - No, it was... No. What?

1:14:35 > 1:14:41- You know what I'm talking about? - No. And...and...whatever it was, I almost certainly didn't do it.

1:14:41 > 1:14:44- Was it you, the baby from Eraserhead?- No, no.

1:14:44 > 1:14:47- Then it must be you, the woman from The Crying Game. - It wasn't me.

1:14:47 > 1:14:49You've really got it in for me.

1:14:49 > 1:14:53Somebody has dropped a bollock in the noodles, and I reckon it was you.

1:14:53 > 1:14:58- Oh. Nice logic. - Yeah. No. That sounds possible. - Will you just keep your neb out?

1:14:58 > 1:15:00- Psychologically speaking. - Springer spaniel head.

1:15:00 > 1:15:04It's plausible. You might have built up a resentment.

1:15:04 > 1:15:07- That's a thing I've observed people do.- Observe that.

1:15:07 > 1:15:11- Right, Baldermort. - Bloody hell, Malcolm. ..Excuse us.

1:15:11 > 1:15:14- We are in a new reality here. OK? - Right.

1:15:14 > 1:15:17And I need you to speed things up.

1:15:17 > 1:15:19OK. Speed what up, Malcolm?

1:15:19 > 1:15:21- The debate.- Right.

1:15:21 > 1:15:25- I need you to bring it from 1.30pm to 11am.- Right.

1:15:25 > 1:15:28Let me tell you how the process works and why that's not possible.

1:15:28 > 1:15:33Just fucking do it, or you'll find yourself in the Caucasus, in a medieval war zone,

1:15:33 > 1:15:35arse in the air, trying to persuade men in balaclavas

1:15:35 > 1:15:39that sustained sexual violence is not the fucking way forward, OK?

1:15:39 > 1:15:42It cannot be done and it will not be done.

1:15:42 > 1:15:47- There's an end to it. - OK, I'll do it. Through here?- No, that is a breach of protocol.

1:15:47 > 1:15:51- You do it.- No, I will not do it. - Go in and do it. - I'm not dancing with you on this.

1:15:51 > 1:15:54- Get through there and do it. Now! - I'm not doing it.

1:15:54 > 1:15:57Right...well...um... everyone, if I could just...

1:15:57 > 1:16:01Is this... Can you...can you hear me?

1:16:01 > 1:16:03I just wondered if we might, um...

1:16:03 > 1:16:06ask for a...a cheeky early vote,

1:16:06 > 1:16:08a sort of a little bit of an adventure.

1:16:08 > 1:16:13We've got to plug that leak. I don't know what else they've got. Where's this intel?

1:16:13 > 1:16:18Are you sure you're working as hard as me? Cos I'm sweating spinal fluid. I'm a fucking husk.

1:16:18 > 1:16:20Jesus.

1:16:20 > 1:16:26- Got everything you need?- Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Whoa, whoa, whoa. General Flintstone.

1:16:28 > 1:16:30Was it you? Did you leak PWIP PIP?

1:16:30 > 1:16:36- I mean, I know you can't fire a gun, but can you use a fax? - No, I didn't leak PWIP PIP.

1:16:36 > 1:16:38I do everything up front. OK?

1:16:38 > 1:16:42Not like some creepy gay mercenary that sneaks around doing other people's dirty work.

1:16:42 > 1:16:44Hey, I am doing my own work.

1:16:44 > 1:16:47- I'm doing my job.- No, you're doing Linton's dirty work.

1:16:47 > 1:16:49You're his English bitch and you don't even know it.

1:16:49 > 1:16:54I bet if I went into your hotel room, I'd see you on all fours, fishnets on, him hanging onto the back of you.

1:16:54 > 1:16:59Oh, that's nice(!) That's tough talk coming from a fucking armchair general.

1:16:59 > 1:17:02Why don't you put your feet up on a pouf and go back to sleep?

1:17:02 > 1:17:06You might be a scary poodle-fucker back in London, but here you're nothing.

1:17:06 > 1:17:09You know what you look like?

1:17:09 > 1:17:11A squeezed dick.

1:17:11 > 1:17:14You've got a little blue vein running up the side of your head.

1:17:14 > 1:17:16See, that's where I'd put the bullet.

1:17:16 > 1:17:20But I'd have to stand back, cos you look like you'd be a squirter.

1:17:20 > 1:17:24Have you ever even actually... killed anybody? I mean, really?

1:17:24 > 1:17:29- Yeah.- Falling asleep on someone, that doesn't count.

1:17:29 > 1:17:32That's good. How about you, pussy drip, ever kill anybody?

1:17:32 > 1:17:35Maiming is what I prefer, psychologically.

1:17:35 > 1:17:40Why don't you try to maim me? I'll hit you so hard in the face, you'll be shitting teeth.

1:17:40 > 1:17:43Go right ahead. I can see the headlines right now.

1:17:43 > 1:17:47"Peace-loving general starts fight at the UN. Swiss intervene."

1:17:47 > 1:17:53- I don't know, I'm not an expert on spin, but that could hurt your career.- Yeah?- Yeah?- Yeah.

1:17:56 > 1:17:58Now do excuse me.

1:17:58 > 1:18:03I've got work to do. Don't ever call me fucking ENGLISH again.

1:18:07 > 1:18:11CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING Suzy, well done. This is superb.

1:18:11 > 1:18:13Hey, horse of the year, was it you?

1:18:13 > 1:18:17- Was what me?- Answer the fucking question! Was it you?

1:18:17 > 1:18:20Was what me, Jamie? I have no idea what you're talking about.

1:18:20 > 1:18:23She can't answer the question, can she? Unless she knows what it is.

1:18:23 > 1:18:28You...leaked Liza Weld's paper to the BBC, right?

1:18:28 > 1:18:31Now, tell ME you leaked it.

1:18:31 > 1:18:34No, I didn't. I didn't leak it.

1:18:34 > 1:18:38I know the leak came from in here.

1:18:40 > 1:18:44From this fucking fax machine right here.

1:18:44 > 1:18:47No. There's no... There's no way.

1:18:47 > 1:18:50Do you see... what I'm doing to this machine?

1:18:50 > 1:18:52- Jamie, don't.- See?

1:18:52 > 1:18:58- Jesus Christ! Fuck, Jamie. - You see how angry I am

1:18:58 > 1:19:02with the piece of office equipment that leaked this document?

1:19:02 > 1:19:05- Huh?- Michael!

1:19:05 > 1:19:10Can you even imagine how angry I am with the person who leaked it? Can you?

1:19:10 > 1:19:16- That's really expensive, Jamie. - Can you, Suzy?- Jamie, it was me.

1:19:16 > 1:19:21- Oh, don't come over all fucking Spartacus on us now.- I leaked it. - What are you doing?- No, hang on.

1:19:21 > 1:19:24For a start, turn that fucking racket off!

1:19:24 > 1:19:30- Turn it off.- It's just vowels. Subsidised foreign fucking vowels.

1:19:30 > 1:19:35The only reason you listen to this shit is because it's bad form

1:19:35 > 1:19:39to actually wear a hat that says, "I went to private school."

1:19:39 > 1:19:42So, tell me now, right, who did you leak it to?

1:19:42 > 1:19:47- I just sent it. I read it, I thought it was important, so I sent it. - Good. Good. Fine.

1:19:47 > 1:19:51- See that fax? Yeah? - Yes.- That is your career.

1:19:51 > 1:19:55And I think it might be fucked, but let's just check.

1:19:55 > 1:19:58Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked. Now, I hope you can play the spoons

1:19:58 > 1:20:02cos you're too old to go back to being a gentleman's fluffer.

1:20:03 > 1:20:09Simon? Simon. Congratulations. I didn't think you had it in you.

1:20:09 > 1:20:12- Hi.- This is great, Simon. - He's resigning.- Have you seen it?

1:20:12 > 1:20:14- It's a good picture. - Oh. They're running with that?

1:20:14 > 1:20:18- In a very big way.- I didn't say that. - What?- What?

1:20:18 > 1:20:21You're not resigning?

1:20:21 > 1:20:22Are you still playing the hawk?

1:20:22 > 1:20:26In a way, it's... I'm playing a much cleverer game than that.

1:20:26 > 1:20:29(I'm a...I'm a fake hawk.)

1:20:30 > 1:20:32A what?

1:20:32 > 1:20:34(A fake hawk.)

1:20:36 > 1:20:37You're an idiot.

1:20:37 > 1:20:40Or are you being a fake idiot?

1:20:40 > 1:20:45So, we float it, anyway. Tell the press that he confirmed to us that he's resigning.

1:20:45 > 1:20:48- That's what we'll do.- What? - It's decided.- No, sorry.

1:20:48 > 1:20:51No, it bloody isn't. I'm me. OK?

1:20:51 > 1:20:53You're not me.

1:20:53 > 1:20:56I decide about all the main things about me.

1:20:56 > 1:20:58- Not any more.- Not you, me.

1:20:58 > 1:21:04Simon, the only thing that we can do to influence events now is to resign.

1:21:04 > 1:21:06That's it, OK? Sacrifice ourselves.

1:21:06 > 1:21:08Like a suicide bomber?

1:21:08 > 1:21:11No, not like suicide bomber. A suicide bomber makes a decision.

1:21:20 > 1:21:21Are you OK?

1:21:21 > 1:21:24I'm thinking of becoming a suicide bomber.

1:21:26 > 1:21:28- Right.- Would you like a mint?

1:21:28 > 1:21:30No.

1:21:30 > 1:21:35They're really not that good for the teeth, you know, rots them slowly.

1:21:35 > 1:21:38- Do you like me, Judy?- Well...

1:21:38 > 1:21:40you're my boss, you know.

1:21:40 > 1:21:42But do you really like me?

1:21:43 > 1:21:45Yeah.

1:21:45 > 1:21:50I'll... I'll just leave you to your thoughts. OK?

1:21:50 > 1:21:53I haven't got any thoughts.

1:21:53 > 1:21:56I'm just staring vacantly into space...

1:21:56 > 1:22:00while a distant voice in the back of my head goes, "Oh, shit,"

1:22:00 > 1:22:03like a car alarm, in the middle of the night.

1:22:05 > 1:22:08Why? Has Jamie been round? Because he's...

1:22:08 > 1:22:13- This is you, isn't it?- Suzy, can I phone you back in a couple of minutes for a further bollocking?

1:22:13 > 1:22:18- I'll just deal with this one here. - I have got something really, really big in my career lined up for me

1:22:18 > 1:22:23- and you're going to fuck it up because of this leak. - What would be fucked up?

1:22:23 > 1:22:26- I don't need to tell you anything. - I want to tell you a story.

1:22:26 > 1:22:28When the Titanic went down, there were lifeboats.

1:22:28 > 1:22:32They had extra room on them and there were people in the water,

1:22:32 > 1:22:35and some people on the lifeboats wanted more room to stretch their legs,

1:22:35 > 1:22:38but people in the water froze and that...

1:22:38 > 1:22:40You talk in parables. You're like a crap Jesus.

1:22:40 > 1:22:43Tread lightly. OK? You are fucking with the wrong person.

1:22:43 > 1:22:46- Really?- Yes. I've got this town on lockdown.

1:22:46 > 1:22:50- We're both...- Fuck you all. - ..a common enemy.- Hello.

1:22:50 > 1:22:54- Hello!- Hello, Paul. - Guess what's happened to my wall?

1:22:54 > 1:22:57Could you hold on just a second? The Vice President's...

1:22:57 > 1:22:59It doesn't matter. Yeah.

1:22:59 > 1:23:01Of America. Yes. That one.

1:23:03 > 1:23:06So, we're getting a little close to the wire, Mr Tucker.

1:23:06 > 1:23:08Where is that intel, huh?

1:23:08 > 1:23:10What sort of intel have you rustled up?

1:23:10 > 1:23:13- Ah, the smoking intel?- Yeah.

1:23:13 > 1:23:15Well, honestly, I haven't got it.

1:23:15 > 1:23:17You haven't got it?

1:23:17 > 1:23:20All right. OK. Well, then, can you delay the vote?

1:23:20 > 1:23:24- It'd give you the time to get it. - I've just had the vote brought forward.

1:23:24 > 1:23:28Sorry, I'm just, um... getting my mints.

1:23:28 > 1:23:30I am telling you,

1:23:30 > 1:23:34delay the vote and make yourself some time to get the intel,

1:23:34 > 1:23:37because I need it, my friend.

1:23:37 > 1:23:41OK. Just a quick reality check here, J Edgar fucking Hoover, I don't work for you.

1:23:41 > 1:23:43You don't fucking tell ME what to do.

1:23:43 > 1:23:48OK. Firstly, don't raise your voice. This is a sacred place.

1:23:48 > 1:23:53Now, you may not believe that and I may not believe that but, by God, it's a useful hypocrisy.

1:23:53 > 1:24:00And, secondarily, I believe your Prime Minister has instructed YOU to work for ME.

1:24:00 > 1:24:03Take your sweeties and fuck off.

1:24:03 > 1:24:05Oh, the great Malcolm Tucker.

1:24:05 > 1:24:08One of your guys leaks a paper.

1:24:08 > 1:24:10You can't do anything. Huh? We tell you to get some intel.

1:24:10 > 1:24:13You can't do anything. I need you to move the vote back.

1:24:13 > 1:24:14You can't do anything.

1:24:14 > 1:24:19I am afraid you are nothing but a useless piece of S-star-star-T.

1:24:21 > 1:24:23What the fuck do you want?

1:24:23 > 1:24:28Um, sorry, I... I've just heard that the constituency wall has started to collapse.

1:24:28 > 1:24:31A brick's fallen out. Well, that's the news I'm getting at the moment.

1:24:31 > 1:24:34There'll be more to follow. News and bricks.

1:24:34 > 1:24:40My God, that sounds important. Take care of that, Mr Tucker. Yes? I think that's more your speed.

1:24:40 > 1:24:44I can see you, with your shirt off and a wheelbarrow, whistling a happy tune.

1:24:44 > 1:24:45Get on that.

1:24:49 > 1:24:51You work for him?

1:24:51 > 1:24:55This is very fucking complicated stuff.

1:24:55 > 1:24:58After the vote...

1:24:58 > 1:25:00- I resign.- Oh, fuck off!

1:25:00 > 1:25:03Resigning? How fucking impressive!

1:25:03 > 1:25:05Resign. The horse has bolted.

1:25:05 > 1:25:07It's out there now. It's getting fucking shot!

1:25:07 > 1:25:10I'll see you later, Malcolm.

1:25:10 > 1:25:15You... You repeat one word of what you have heard here...

1:25:15 > 1:25:19and I'm going to fucking take your leg off.

1:25:19 > 1:25:21I'll fucking...

1:25:21 > 1:25:24The shin bone. I'm going to take the shin bone,

1:25:24 > 1:25:26I'm going to break it in two

1:25:26 > 1:25:31and I'm going to fucking stab you to fucking death with it, right? So, just...

1:25:31 > 1:25:34just...go away. Go away.

1:25:47 > 1:25:49Hi. BBC news desk, please.

1:25:49 > 1:25:52Malcolm Tucker.

1:25:52 > 1:25:53Hi, Ben.

1:25:53 > 1:25:57Listen, I hear that you might be preparing a story that we might not like.

1:25:57 > 1:26:02- Yeah, please.- Ow!- I just wanted to say, please, this garden wall story, don't run with that.

1:26:02 > 1:26:06- Ow!- Simon Foster's constituency office wall.

1:26:06 > 1:26:11That's what you've got, haven't you? Oh, shit. I haven't let the cat out of the bag, have I?

1:26:11 > 1:26:14Please, don't run with that. My reputation will be in tatters.

1:26:14 > 1:26:16- Ow!- And he is gone!

1:26:16 > 1:26:19My hand is really quite badly scalded now.

1:26:19 > 1:26:23- I know it was you who leaked Linton's war committee.- Oh. Right. Um...

1:26:25 > 1:26:27- It wasn't.- It wasn't?

1:26:27 > 1:26:30That's what you'll say when they slip a hood over your head

1:26:30 > 1:26:34and fly you to Diego Garcia and carry out a cavity search?

1:26:34 > 1:26:36I don't actually recall.

1:26:36 > 1:26:38It was a very busy time.

1:26:38 > 1:26:42That's better. OK. I am putting you on a probationary period from today

1:26:42 > 1:26:45until the end of recorded time.

1:26:45 > 1:26:47- All right. Do you understand?- Yes.

1:26:47 > 1:26:50You're my guy now. Right? I own you. You are my Kunta Kinte.

1:26:50 > 1:26:53- Go and get your fucking laptop. - Right.

1:26:53 > 1:26:58Mr Ambassador, with your big, baldy head, you are spoiling us! Can I have a word?

1:26:58 > 1:27:04Excuse us, just for a second. I'm pleased to be able to tell you that, by some huge effort on my behalf,

1:27:04 > 1:27:08I've brought your vote forward by an hour-and-a-half. Can we say thank you?

1:27:08 > 1:27:11- Great. Well, I need it delayed now. - Very funny.

1:27:11 > 1:27:17By an hour, at least. Well, actually, two-and-a-half hours, now that you've brought it forward.

1:27:17 > 1:27:20No. I will not put myself through that humiliation again. I'm not doing it.

1:27:22 > 1:27:25Right. What can I say? Um...

1:27:25 > 1:27:29Ah, right, Frank and Nancy Sinatra. I've got good news for you.

1:27:29 > 1:27:30You're NOT fired.

1:27:30 > 1:27:37- That's great news, isn't it?- It sounds ominous.- We want to get Liza Weld's PWIP PIP out there properly,

1:27:37 > 1:27:39in the public domain.

1:27:39 > 1:27:41We just need to refine it a bit.

1:27:41 > 1:27:42What do you want to refine?

1:27:42 > 1:27:46Just mess it up. Move the paragraphs. Change the name of the main informant.

1:27:46 > 1:27:50- That's a complete fabrication. - Changing his name doesn't matter.

1:27:50 > 1:27:53Do you think he's really called Ice Man? Huh?

1:27:53 > 1:27:55"To Mr and Mrs Man, a son, Ice"?

1:27:55 > 1:28:00So, we just change it to another name. What's the name of the fuck with the fiddle?

1:28:00 > 1:28:05- This happens to be Debussy.- Debussy. - We'll change it to Debussy, then. - No, we will NOT!

1:28:05 > 1:28:08Now, your prints are going to be all over this, Michael,

1:28:08 > 1:28:13- but that's the only way you can save your job, you leaky fuck.- Don't make me do this.- It wasn't him.

1:28:13 > 1:28:16Somebody must have come in there and used the fax machine.

1:28:16 > 1:28:20- It could have been anyone. - Fax machine? Ah, no!

1:28:20 > 1:28:23Don't worry about that. No, I made that up.

1:28:23 > 1:28:26No, the document was leaked by e-mail.

1:28:26 > 1:28:31It's just, the fax machine was there, and it's easier to kick. Come on, Thick White Duke!

1:28:31 > 1:28:34- Don't shout at...- Come with me.

1:28:34 > 1:28:36Right, OK. Is it up? Have you got it up?

1:28:36 > 1:28:38- Yeah, it's all fine.- OK.

1:28:38 > 1:28:42- Cut the top paragraph, paste it into page 5.- Right, yeah, we've done it.

1:28:42 > 1:28:44Page 6 - get rid of the footnotes.

1:28:44 > 1:28:48- Done.- Go to page 9.- Go to page 9.

1:28:48 > 1:28:51Highlight from that page to the end of the document.

1:28:51 > 1:28:53- Go on, do it.- The caveats?

1:28:53 > 1:28:55Right, OK. Delete.

1:28:55 > 1:29:00- OK, we're doing it. Delete it. - You can't delete the arguments against the war.

1:29:00 > 1:29:03Oh. There's a shake of the head here, Malc. I think he's crashed.

1:29:03 > 1:29:08- Give him a thump, that usually works.- Let me try a wee bit of manual override.

1:29:08 > 1:29:12Let's see if it is possible to delete the arguments against the war.

1:29:12 > 1:29:16- Hey! You could delete it after all. It's done.- Great. Attach that to an e-mail.

1:29:16 > 1:29:19- Yes, done it. Done it. - Let's find a printer.

1:29:19 > 1:29:22The Japanese. They'll have a printer.

1:29:22 > 1:29:26- Well, we can't just present it like this.- No, we can't.

1:29:26 > 1:29:27Go and get me a blue folder.

1:29:27 > 1:29:32- OK. Where from?- I don't know. Do I look like I've ever set foot in a fucking stationery cupboard?

1:29:32 > 1:29:36- I do my shagging in five-star hotels.- Just take out all the conditionals,

1:29:36 > 1:29:40like "might" becomes... Instead of "might have found", "HAVE found".

1:29:43 > 1:29:46Be audacious. Just rewrite the whole damn thing.

1:29:46 > 1:29:51Declarative sentences, that's what I want. Take 'em all out.

1:29:51 > 1:29:57- Linton, come here.- What is it? - The intel your guys couldn't find.

1:30:01 > 1:30:06I think that I am owed a massive grovelling apology.

1:30:06 > 1:30:09Congratulations, huh?

1:30:09 > 1:30:12Maybe they'll give you a knighthood.

1:30:12 > 1:30:15A pleasure doing business with you. You know,

1:30:15 > 1:30:16I've come across a lot of psychos,

1:30:18 > 1:30:20but none as fucking boring as you.

1:30:20 > 1:30:23I mean, you are a real boring fuck.

1:30:23 > 1:30:26- Sorry. I know that you disapprove of swearing.- That's all right.

1:30:26 > 1:30:28So, I'll sort that out.

1:30:28 > 1:30:32You are a boring F-star-star-cunt.

1:30:35 > 1:30:40- Are we pretty much... - Everything as you requested, sir. - Fine. Good. Welcome aboard, Liza.

1:30:40 > 1:30:44I will make this brief and to the point.

1:30:44 > 1:30:46We're going to go in,

1:30:46 > 1:30:50we're going to state our case, with new British intelligence from source Debussy,

1:30:50 > 1:30:53we win the argument, we get the hell out. All right?

1:30:53 > 1:30:57'Resolution 2238 is passed.'

1:30:57 > 1:31:01- Yeah. That's that, then. - MOBILE RINGS

1:31:01 > 1:31:06- Yeah?- Jolly good. "That's that, then," is your line for the ages, is it?

1:31:06 > 1:31:07What?

1:31:07 > 1:31:11Well, I remember the day that war was declared.

1:31:11 > 1:31:14I turned to the Minister, and he said...

1:31:14 > 1:31:15"That's that, then.

1:31:15 > 1:31:17"Anyone want a mint?"

1:31:17 > 1:31:19Piss off, Toby.

1:31:20 > 1:31:27Well done, Michael. You did a really, really, really good job.

1:31:27 > 1:31:30Oh, for fuck's sake, don't cry.

1:31:32 > 1:31:35I e-mailed my resignation five minutes ago.

1:31:35 > 1:31:39And yours should come pretty soon, for the biggest media impact.

1:31:39 > 1:31:41- I've been thinking.- Yeah?

1:31:41 > 1:31:45This has been the hardest political decision of my career.

1:31:45 > 1:31:48I'm not going to resign.

1:31:49 > 1:31:51What the fuck, George?

1:31:51 > 1:31:57Before the war, I was going to resign, but now that there's a war on, I can't resign.

1:31:57 > 1:32:00You said that this was intolerable.

1:32:00 > 1:32:05- You said we would go together. - It is intolerable, but I'm going to have to tolerate it.

1:32:05 > 1:32:07I still agree with myself on that.

1:32:07 > 1:32:09But my loyalty is to the kids. I am a soldier.

1:32:09 > 1:32:11You're not a soldier.

1:32:11 > 1:32:14I've been a soldier my whole life.

1:32:14 > 1:32:17- Yeah?- What do you mean, I'm not a soldier? I'm a soldier.

1:32:17 > 1:32:23- Look at the uniform! You think I'm one of the fucking Village People? - When did you shoot a guy last?

1:32:23 > 1:32:26Just cos I haven't shot someone in 15 years, I'm not a soldier?

1:32:26 > 1:32:32The Army doesn't make you drag some bullet-ridden bloody corpse into the Pentagon every five years

1:32:32 > 1:32:35- to renew your soldier's licence. - It's unnecessary!- So what?

1:32:35 > 1:32:39- If you were a good general, you'd have some balls! - Shut up about my balls.

1:32:39 > 1:32:41You've got no idea where my balls have been!

1:32:41 > 1:32:44I can talk about your balls all you want, cos I remember...

1:32:44 > 1:32:47I fucked you once 20 years ago, and I never hear the end of it!

1:32:47 > 1:32:51Every time we're together, I've got to listen to this shit! I don't even remember it!

1:32:51 > 1:32:54Come on, Chad. We have to draft resignation announcements.

1:32:54 > 1:32:57Actually, I think I might stay with the general, if that's OK.

1:32:57 > 1:33:02- If he's staying, I might stay with him, see what assistance I can furnish.- OK.

1:33:02 > 1:33:07- General Shrek and his faithful talking donkey.- That was nice.- OK.

1:33:07 > 1:33:12- What do you need to stick around for?- I just wanted to let you know, sir, that I think you've got...

1:33:12 > 1:33:15big balls.

1:33:15 > 1:33:19- It's like two-thirds of a snowman. - Dear God.

1:33:20 > 1:33:22- We did it, Bob, huh? - Yes, we did, sir.

1:33:22 > 1:33:26- There were a few moments where it got a little hairy.- No, there weren't.

1:33:29 > 1:33:31No, no, no, Simon. No, no, listen.

1:33:31 > 1:33:33Hey, hey, hey. Look, look. No, no.

1:33:36 > 1:33:39- You still don't need to resign. - I do.

1:33:39 > 1:33:44I'm resigning in an hour, and there's nothing you can do about it now.

1:33:44 > 1:33:46- Nothing.- Boss. BOTH: Yes?

1:33:46 > 1:33:49It's all over the BBC news websites.

1:33:49 > 1:33:52Partial collapse of the wall. Mrs Michaelson's greenhouse.

1:33:52 > 1:33:55Obviously, there's been a pane smashed.

1:33:55 > 1:33:59- The BBC must have had a crew down there.- God, how ridiculous!

1:33:59 > 1:34:02- And that's NEWS?! - HE CHUCKLES

1:34:02 > 1:34:03It's not ridiculous.

1:34:03 > 1:34:05It's not ridiculous at all.

1:34:05 > 1:34:07You're fired.

1:34:07 > 1:34:09What?

1:34:10 > 1:34:13Over the wall. I mean, that's just not tolerable.

1:34:13 > 1:34:17It's a fucking wall, Malcolm.

1:34:17 > 1:34:22Give me the paper. The Telegraph has a cartoon of you teetering on the Great Wall of China,

1:34:22 > 1:34:26suggesting you are the only political fuck-up visible from space.

1:34:26 > 1:34:28Look at this. Look at it!

1:34:28 > 1:34:31No-one could survive this.

1:34:31 > 1:34:34The PM's very clear about this. You're sacked over the wall.

1:34:34 > 1:34:36No.

1:34:36 > 1:34:41- Yes!- No. You haven't even spoken to the Prime Minister.

1:34:41 > 1:34:45- I-I-I have.- You fucking haven't! I've been here in front of you.

1:34:45 > 1:34:49I have spoken to the PM. Whether it happened or not is irrelevant. It is true.

1:34:49 > 1:34:53And he was very clear - you've got to go.

1:34:54 > 1:34:56Ha!

1:34:58 > 1:35:00If you think I'm going quietly, Malcolm...

1:35:02 > 1:35:04..you've...you've made a mistake.

1:35:04 > 1:35:07Well, if you want to turn this into some anti-war protest,

1:35:07 > 1:35:11expect to hear your "mountain of conflict" sound bite everywhere.

1:35:11 > 1:35:15From ringtones to fucking... a dance mix on YouTube.

1:35:15 > 1:35:20And I will marshal all the media forces of darkness

1:35:20 > 1:35:23to hound you to an assisted suicide.

1:35:23 > 1:35:28Rightho. Let's just go and draft your "Dear Prime Minster,

1:35:28 > 1:35:31"Just a quick note to say thanks for giving me the sack" letter.

1:35:33 > 1:35:35Off we trot.

1:35:35 > 1:35:37Come on, young Simon.

1:35:47 > 1:35:51General Miller, sorry. I know this is an awkward time to be...

1:35:51 > 1:35:54Go fuck yourself, Frodo.

1:35:54 > 1:35:55OK.

1:35:55 > 1:35:57MUTTERS: You can fuck off yourself, then.

1:36:03 > 1:36:05Are you hanging, Chad?

1:36:05 > 1:36:07Just hanging.

1:36:07 > 1:36:08Want to play some Facebook chess?

1:36:08 > 1:36:10Yes, ma'am!

1:36:10 > 1:36:12Just get away from the wall! What are you doing?

1:36:12 > 1:36:14I just want a photo near the wall.

1:36:14 > 1:36:18Yeah, you can go back another 12 inches. No, further.

1:36:18 > 1:36:20- There?- Stop there!

1:36:20 > 1:36:22Check.

1:36:22 > 1:36:24I haven't touched it.

1:36:24 > 1:36:27I made a move for you, which is the best move possible...

1:36:27 > 1:36:32You might be Secretary of State someday, young man.

1:36:32 > 1:36:34Don't say that if you don't mean that.

1:36:34 > 1:36:39When, you know, all of this...this shit is over, maybe, you know...

1:36:39 > 1:36:41You're a woman.

1:36:41 > 1:36:44I'm not a woman.

1:36:44 > 1:36:47You want to have sex again?

1:36:47 > 1:36:50Well, would it be such a terrible idea?

1:36:50 > 1:36:52You know, one more.

1:36:52 > 1:36:55"One more for the Gipper".

1:36:55 > 1:36:58Well, I don't want to be accused of micromanaging,

1:36:58 > 1:37:02but I cannot understand why "I heart Huckabees"

1:37:02 > 1:37:03is on a list of DVDs

1:37:03 > 1:37:06considered suitable for armed forces entertainment.

1:37:06 > 1:37:12That self-indulgent crap is not suitable for combat troops.

1:37:12 > 1:37:15I've got a selection of the quotations here for you.

1:37:15 > 1:37:18I mean, they're all local building firms. Much of a muchness.

1:37:18 > 1:37:22You know, to sort out the boundary wall. But the...

1:37:22 > 1:37:27- this septic tank. That is rearing its pooey head again.- Yes.

1:37:27 > 1:37:30I just got off the phone with Linton,

1:37:30 > 1:37:33who proceeded to bitch me out, for allowing "I heart Huckabees"

1:37:33 > 1:37:35on the troops' DVD roster. Yeah.

1:37:35 > 1:37:38You know that phrase, "I'm too old for this shit"?

1:37:38 > 1:37:41Well, I'm too young for this shit. You know?

1:37:41 > 1:37:43Oh! Here's the new Minister.

1:37:43 > 1:37:45- Malcolm!- There she is.

1:37:45 > 1:37:47Ladies and gentlemen.

1:37:47 > 1:37:52- APPLAUSE Nice to be here. How touching. - How are you doing?

1:37:52 > 1:37:55- Judy Molloy.- Nice to meet you. And this...?

1:37:55 > 1:37:59- Danny. Dan.- Will you come in...? - Special Advisor.- Danny Dan?!

1:37:59 > 1:38:02- War seems to be going great guns. - Oh, very cheeky!

1:38:02 > 1:38:04Judy, have I got a desk out here?

1:38:04 > 1:38:07- Mind your step. There's still blood on the deck.- Er...yeah, sure.

1:38:07 > 1:38:09- You can use that one. - How about this?

1:38:09 > 1:38:12You can't get better than this. Very glamorous.

1:38:12 > 1:38:16- That's fine.- I think there's a wee bit of brains there.

1:38:16 > 1:38:20It's the only brains that he had, actually. Nice to meet you, Dan.

1:38:20 > 1:38:23- Where did you go to school? - A school in Jersey.

1:38:23 > 1:38:26- In Jersey? Is that actually Britain? - Yeah.

1:38:26 > 1:38:29CHATTER FADES OUT

1:41:07 > 1:41:08Look at the hair on this!

1:41:08 > 1:41:11Who let this woman out with fucking hair like this?

1:41:11 > 1:41:13On national television!

1:41:13 > 1:41:17Think she's got her finger stuck in a fucking electric socket!

1:41:17 > 1:41:19Unbelievable.