Man of the Year

0:00:05 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language

0:00:37 > 0:00:39- Nine minutes to air.- Checking Dobbs.

0:00:41 > 0:00:44Stand by, lights, for cue one.

0:00:44 > 0:00:48- Welcome to The Tom Dobbs Show. - Please have your tickets ready for the ushers.

0:00:48 > 0:00:51Cue visa graphics. Ready, camera two.

0:00:51 > 0:00:53Even numbered seats to the right.

0:00:53 > 0:00:55The last mic warm up. Check, one, two.

0:00:55 > 0:00:57Please turn off all cellphones and pagers.

0:00:57 > 0:00:59Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats, please.

0:00:59 > 0:01:03- Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.- Bring that light down to camera level.

0:01:03 > 0:01:07This story might fall under the heading of "one thing leads to another".

0:01:07 > 0:01:09It started on August 20th.

0:01:09 > 0:01:14At 7pm, Tom Dobbs, who had a successful cable show

0:01:14 > 0:01:17featuring political comedy, was talking to the audience

0:01:17 > 0:01:21during the warm-up routine prior to the taping of his show.

0:01:21 > 0:01:23Thanks for coming here. This isn't the actual show -

0:01:23 > 0:01:28the cameras are pointing at nothing and some critics have said that too.

0:01:28 > 0:01:34But I'm just here to kind of talk to you, warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay... Sorry.

0:01:34 > 0:01:36I'll back up now just for harassment reasons.

0:01:36 > 0:01:38The Government said recently...

0:01:38 > 0:01:42Well, a lot of people said that we're cutting back spending. But NASA

0:01:42 > 0:01:48actually spent 28 million to develop a fountain pen that would write upside down in space in zero gravity.

0:01:48 > 0:01:52The Russians solved the same problem with...

0:01:52 > 0:01:53five-cent pencil.

0:01:54 > 0:01:59(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity. After two cases of vodka, still writing!

0:01:59 > 0:02:01If you have the GPS, be very careful.

0:02:01 > 0:02:04I bought a Mercedes recently, it had the talking GPS.

0:02:04 > 0:02:07"Up ahead, take a right". I opened the door, the car went, "Are you Jewish?"

0:02:07 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER

0:02:10 > 0:02:13But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other.

0:02:13 > 0:02:17You'll get on the scale and the scale will go, "Psst! I've talked to the microwave".

0:02:17 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER I notice many of you with your little cellphones.

0:02:21 > 0:02:24Soon they'll get so small, you won't see them, they'll just be inside...

0:02:24 > 0:02:26Hold on, I got a call. Hello?

0:02:26 > 0:02:28No, I'll make it louder. Hold on.

0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER

0:02:30 > 0:02:33Wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm taking a picture!

0:02:33 > 0:02:36Oh, wait, wait, wait. I got mail.

0:02:36 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:02:37 > 0:02:41It was during a Q&A that a woman made a statement...

0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Yes, yes, ma'am?- Hi.

0:02:43 > 0:02:46I feel so frustrated with the political system

0:02:46 > 0:02:49and I hear my friends say the same thing all the time.

0:02:49 > 0:02:53- Maybe you should run for President. - CHEERING

0:02:57 > 0:03:00The comment was quickly forgotten and minutes later

0:03:00 > 0:03:02the show got under way.

0:03:02 > 0:03:06Senator, I'm picking up that the public is frustrated with the polarisation of the parties

0:03:06 > 0:03:09and lack of accountability. I mean, it's crazy!

0:03:09 > 0:03:13A woman in the audience tonight said I should run for President. CHEERING

0:03:17 > 0:03:18Maybe I should.

0:03:18 > 0:03:23Within three hours, there were four million emails endorsing Dobbs for President.

0:03:23 > 0:03:25Over the course of the next week,

0:03:25 > 0:03:29Tom Dobbs mentioned this four more times. The Internet was on fire -

0:03:29 > 0:03:31over eight million emails.

0:03:31 > 0:03:35It was a grass-roots movement fuelled by the power of the Internet

0:03:35 > 0:03:37and the cult of personality.

0:03:37 > 0:03:41Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your patience.

0:03:41 > 0:03:44We have a great show for you tonight, so without any further ado...

0:03:44 > 0:03:48- On September 2nd something very, very unusual happens.- Tom Dobbs!

0:03:48 > 0:03:53Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

0:03:55 > 0:03:57Did you write that?

0:03:57 > 0:03:59Where's the punch line?

0:03:59 > 0:04:03Maybe it was sheer vanity, maybe it was a political stunt,

0:04:03 > 0:04:07or maybe it was because Tom believed his audience demanded it. Who knows?

0:04:08 > 0:04:14As Tom Dobbs' manager, I was as shocked as everyone around me and I wasn't exactly pleased.

0:04:14 > 0:04:16Does this mean I'm out of a job?

0:04:16 > 0:04:20Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs was upon the ballot in 13 states.

0:04:20 > 0:04:24That was part one of the unusual progression of events.

0:04:24 > 0:04:28On the West Coast, the second domino toppled over.

0:04:38 > 0:04:41'In today's America, technology empowers the public

0:04:41 > 0:04:43'in nearly everything they do.

0:04:43 > 0:04:46'And now, voting with confidence.

0:04:46 > 0:04:50'Introducing the Delacroy Voting System.'

0:04:50 > 0:04:53Congress decided that Delacroy Systems would have the national

0:04:53 > 0:04:57franchise for computerised voting in the coming presidential election.

0:04:57 > 0:05:01In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.

0:05:01 > 0:05:04'For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.

0:05:04 > 0:05:08'It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.'

0:05:08 > 0:05:12It was of course a major coup for this Silicon Valley-based company.

0:05:12 > 0:05:14When the dubbed versions come in, I need to see the contracts.

0:05:14 > 0:05:16'Delacroy.'

0:05:16 > 0:05:22As CEO of Delacroy, James Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise.

0:05:22 > 0:05:26In the bowels of the building, something else was about to take place.

0:05:29 > 0:05:32I just got the ballot from San Mateo so I thought I'd run my own election.

0:05:32 > 0:05:36- With all the referendums, propositions and amendments, just add the candidates' names.- Why?

0:05:36 > 0:05:40We've never run a configuration like this ballot, so I thought I'd give it a test drive.

0:05:40 > 0:05:42Oh, God.

0:05:42 > 0:05:46- I think I burned my lip.- It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.

0:05:46 > 0:05:52Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what you're voting for and not how easy it is to vote.

0:05:52 > 0:05:54Whether she was being diligent in her work,

0:05:54 > 0:05:56whether she was obsessive-compulsive,

0:05:56 > 0:05:59or whether she really didn't have a personal life, who knows?

0:05:59 > 0:06:03But late that night, she found something that seemed very wrong.

0:06:03 > 0:06:08"Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg.

0:06:10 > 0:06:12"Why did the President win?"

0:06:13 > 0:06:18Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an email to CEO James Hemmings.

0:06:18 > 0:06:20She wrote that something was wrong.

0:06:20 > 0:06:23She used phrases like "a glitch in the system,"

0:06:23 > 0:06:26"compatibility problem," things like that.

0:06:26 > 0:06:29Hemmings read the email...

0:06:29 > 0:06:31and reacted as a CEO whose stock fortune

0:06:31 > 0:06:34was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.

0:06:34 > 0:06:38IF there really was a problem it was too late to correct it,

0:06:38 > 0:06:42so he ignored the memo and hoped the problem would go away.

0:06:58 > 0:07:04I've read a lot of Op-Ed pieces recently saying that Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues.

0:07:04 > 0:07:06All right. I will address THE issue.

0:07:06 > 0:07:09The issue revolves around representation.

0:07:09 > 0:07:11The people of America are not being represented.

0:07:11 > 0:07:16Our political leaders are too indebted to special-interest groups and party politics.

0:07:16 > 0:07:19This country was founded on the principle of government

0:07:19 > 0:07:21of the people, by the people, for the people.

0:07:21 > 0:07:27We are the wealthiest nation in the history of the world, we are the most powerful nation on this planet,

0:07:27 > 0:07:29and yet we can't educate our own children!

0:07:29 > 0:07:31Thought that went pretty well.

0:07:31 > 0:07:34Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address.

0:07:34 > 0:07:39- Don't start with this. - Everybody Loves Raymond is doing huge numbers in reruns.

0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Comedy sells. Can we remember that? - I don't want to get into this.

0:07:42 > 0:07:46I don't care what you say, but say it with some humour. These crowds expect it.

0:07:46 > 0:07:49You keep giving speech after speech, nothing's funny.

0:07:49 > 0:07:52It will be when I'm back on the show after the hiatus.

0:07:52 > 0:07:55- It's too dry.- I came on the campaign to talk about issues.

0:07:55 > 0:07:57There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.

0:07:57 > 0:08:00Remember the motto, "It's no joke?" It's no joke!

0:08:00 > 0:08:02Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?

0:08:02 > 0:08:05'You're a comedian who talks about politics.'

0:08:05 > 0:08:08So when you talk about politics without the comedy,

0:08:08 > 0:08:12it's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman.

0:08:12 > 0:08:15You'll quickly discover something is missing.

0:08:15 > 0:08:19I believe we should have politicians who represent us and not special-interest groups.

0:08:19 > 0:08:23Whenever they want to distract you they use weapons of mass distraction.

0:08:23 > 0:08:26They bring up a constitutional amendment to ban burning of the flag.

0:08:26 > 0:08:29By spending even one moment in Congress talking about that,

0:08:29 > 0:08:32you deny other things - education, the environment...

0:08:32 > 0:08:36I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.

0:08:36 > 0:08:39That's where most of the money goes in any political campaign.

0:08:39 > 0:08:43Politicians have to spend so much money just to buy TV time.

0:08:43 > 0:08:46This is where the special-interest groups start.

0:08:46 > 0:08:49When you have a political campaign that costs 200 million,

0:08:49 > 0:08:52you owe someone something somewhere down the line.

0:08:52 > 0:08:55That's why I refuse to run television commercials.

0:08:55 > 0:08:58Just be entertaining. Look at it this way -

0:08:58 > 0:09:03who would you rather have dinner with - Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the UN?

0:09:03 > 0:09:05Tell me which dinner is going to be more interesting.

0:09:05 > 0:09:07If there's no candles, Richard...

0:09:07 > 0:09:10But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?"

0:09:10 > 0:09:13"What?" "Coffee, Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"

0:09:14 > 0:09:16# We live in a political world

0:09:16 > 0:09:18# Love don't have any place

0:09:18 > 0:09:20# We're living times where man commit crimes

0:09:20 > 0:09:22# The crimes don't have a face... #

0:09:22 > 0:09:26He's in the debate?!

0:09:26 > 0:09:27He's in the debate!

0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Tom Dobbs is going to be in the debate!- What?!

0:09:30 > 0:09:33They're going to let him participate in the debate!

0:09:33 > 0:09:35Wow, have we struck gold or what?!

0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Oh, my God! - We'll have to start writing.

0:09:37 > 0:09:40Yeah. We can write it, but is he going to do any of it?

0:09:40 > 0:09:44- Hey, praise the Internet!- 16 million emails spoke loud and clear!

0:09:44 > 0:09:47# ..It rots in a cell

0:09:47 > 0:09:51# Misguided as hell, leaving no-one to pick up a trail... #

0:09:51 > 0:09:52No!

0:09:55 > 0:09:58The following is a quote from our debate advisory standards.

0:09:58 > 0:10:01"All candidates who demonstrate seriousness of purpose

0:10:01 > 0:10:05"and significant support going into the final 30 days of an election

0:10:05 > 0:10:08"should be included in debates."

0:10:08 > 0:10:09Yes!

0:10:14 > 0:10:18Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs.

0:10:18 > 0:10:22He's by far the strongest of the independents

0:10:22 > 0:10:25and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.

0:10:25 > 0:10:28I'm more than confident of my decisions, my positions,

0:10:28 > 0:10:32- and my strong relationship with the voting public.- And my hair.

0:10:34 > 0:10:36- Oh...- The first thing you've got to do is say

0:10:36 > 0:10:41you have unconfirmed information that the other candidates have had sex with farm animals.

0:10:41 > 0:10:44It goes back to the Johnson thing!

0:10:44 > 0:10:46- President Johnson... - Oh, President Johnson.

0:10:46 > 0:10:51..said he wanted to accuse his opponents of having sex with animals. OK?

0:10:51 > 0:10:53One of his staff said, "How can you prove that?"

0:10:53 > 0:10:56He said, "I can't, but I want to hear him deny it".

0:10:56 > 0:10:58Seriousness of purpose.

0:10:58 > 0:11:00The debate is going to be a night full of pomposity.

0:11:00 > 0:11:02The air will be full of bullshit.

0:11:02 > 0:11:05They'll be thanking everyone, do all those niceties.

0:11:05 > 0:11:09They'll thank their wives, children, all have been supportive of their campaigns.

0:11:09 > 0:11:13This is our night to shine. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

0:11:13 > 0:11:17It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall, but shows up and plays the violin.

0:11:17 > 0:11:19It's not what they go to see!

0:11:19 > 0:11:21How many analogies do you have left?

0:11:22 > 0:11:25How many does it take to make my point?

0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Woah!- I didn't mean to yell.

0:11:42 > 0:11:47You gotta cut loose. In this debate, get your show attitude in there.

0:11:47 > 0:11:48Yeah, but may I reiterate?

0:11:48 > 0:11:52They got me in because of my seriousness of purpose. That's why we're here.

0:11:52 > 0:11:54Serious talk puts us to sleep.

0:11:54 > 0:11:58You want to talk about a serious issue, nowadays people tune out.

0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Wait a second.- What? - Do you think anybody remembers the issues when there's a debate?

0:12:03 > 0:12:07When was the last time any human being, any American, watch the debate and went,

0:12:07 > 0:12:11- "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"- "I believe he talked about fiscal policy".

0:12:11 > 0:12:14- "Oh, my God! My eyes are open and I can hear again!"- Yeah, you're right.

0:12:14 > 0:12:18All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal. That's not good.

0:12:18 > 0:12:22I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without water.

0:12:22 > 0:12:25Please, an acerbic comment, would it kill you? Just for me.

0:12:25 > 0:12:30More and more people are watching your show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news. News from comedians.

0:12:30 > 0:12:33- How crazy is that? - Let's move on, OK?

0:12:33 > 0:12:35Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.

0:12:35 > 0:12:40I hope this doesn't sound silly, but the other two candidates are family men. OK?

0:12:40 > 0:12:45And, Tom, with all due respect, how are you going to come off as family-friendly?

0:12:45 > 0:12:47Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.

0:12:49 > 0:12:52I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there!

0:12:52 > 0:12:54- But Chicago, the dead vote there. - She's right.

0:12:54 > 0:12:59As soon as the programme starts and we see the other candidates' wives in their little red suits...

0:12:59 > 0:13:01I have to get married before the debate?

0:13:01 > 0:13:04What do you mean? Campaign during the day, date at night.

0:13:04 > 0:13:08It's like some weird reality show. Actually, it's not a bad idea.

0:13:08 > 0:13:11Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.

0:13:11 > 0:13:14And here's our first contestant. Your name, please?

0:13:14 > 0:13:16Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions.

0:13:16 > 0:13:20Yes, indeed, dear. Contestant number two, your name? My name is Miss Sogyny.

0:13:20 > 0:13:22Yes, I thought he was really hot.

0:13:22 > 0:13:26But when I found out about his radical environmental policy, I went, "Mm-mm."

0:13:26 > 0:13:29I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.

0:13:29 > 0:13:32I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill.

0:13:32 > 0:13:34Deep drill, you know?

0:13:34 > 0:13:37Get down in the mud and take it home, Daddy. That's all.

0:13:37 > 0:13:40It's a piece of shit idea that could work!

0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Yeah, but you're running. - I'm running?

0:13:43 > 0:13:46You're running because the people wanted you to run.

0:13:46 > 0:13:48Why do you think they wanted you to run?

0:13:48 > 0:13:50To listen to you talk about issues?

0:13:50 > 0:13:54Are you kidding me? I can barely listen to you talk about issues, OK?

0:13:54 > 0:13:58- Have I not said this a hundred times?- We're going to Chicago, I'm doing the same thing I've been doing.

0:13:58 > 0:14:02That's how I got here. I want to keep doing it - I sense that'll work.

0:14:08 > 0:14:11# Thrown like a star in my vast sleep

0:14:11 > 0:14:14# I open my eyes to take a peep

0:14:14 > 0:14:18# To find that I was by the sea

0:14:18 > 0:14:20# Gazing with tranquillity... #

0:14:20 > 0:14:22You gotta go to make-up, Tom. Make-up.

0:14:23 > 0:14:25Menken.

0:14:26 > 0:14:32# ..Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man came singing songs of love

0:14:35 > 0:14:40# Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang

0:14:41 > 0:14:46# Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang... #

0:14:48 > 0:14:51This is old hat for them, they get through these debates.

0:14:51 > 0:14:53- It's like the circus.- This is nuts.

0:14:53 > 0:14:56When I was a kid, I was in the circus.

0:14:56 > 0:14:59- No!- Yes. I used to shave elephants.

0:14:59 > 0:15:01You started in the tent, you're back in the tent.

0:15:01 > 0:15:05I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards. In the wild...

0:15:05 > 0:15:09they rub it on trees. In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.

0:15:09 > 0:15:12Fill one of those pump things with gasoline.

0:15:12 > 0:15:16- You throw it all over their face. - You going to have coffee?

0:15:16 > 0:15:20- Because I need it to stay awake. - Do you have any green tea?

0:15:21 > 0:15:23How long have you been smoking?

0:15:24 > 0:15:26Since I was seven.

0:15:26 > 0:15:28Since you were seven?

0:15:28 > 0:15:30My father was a big smoker.

0:15:30 > 0:15:34While President Kellogg and Senator Mills have spent approximately

0:15:34 > 0:15:39195 million apiece on the campaign for media advertising,

0:15:39 > 0:15:42Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.

0:15:42 > 0:15:46He refuses to spend money on media, saying, "Candidates are not products".

0:15:46 > 0:15:52Here's the very latest now. Dobbs is running at about 17% in the 13 states where he's on the ballot...

0:15:52 > 0:15:56- You want a beer or soda? - Soda, please.

0:15:56 > 0:16:02'..compared to a network show, he's certainly been extremely influential in some smaller circles.

0:16:02 > 0:16:05- 'We've got some clips. Are they ready?'- I TiVo all his shows.

0:16:05 > 0:16:07'Here's some excerpts from his show.'

0:16:07 > 0:16:13'Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced they are replacing air bags in their new Sedans with breast implants.

0:16:13 > 0:16:18'The number of rear-end collisions has increased 95% in Sweden.

0:16:18 > 0:16:21'A lot of guys just like to bump the car and see what happens.

0:16:21 > 0:16:26'Also Pope Benedict has finally mechanised the Swiss Guard and said, "It's my choice.

0:16:26 > 0:16:29"I do it for the Church and for the Fatherland".

0:16:29 > 0:16:33'You know, it's strange I didn't mention this at the time when he was chosen Pope.

0:16:33 > 0:16:37'I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian Pope, Pope Raul.

0:16:37 > 0:16:40'Just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers.

0:16:40 > 0:16:43'Gom-ben-gal, gom-ben-deng, gom...!

0:16:43 > 0:16:46'I was thinking that would bring a lot of people back to the Church.'

0:16:52 > 0:16:55- You've got really great skin. - Thank you.

0:16:57 > 0:17:01- A little bit of a tan. - Thanks. I went to a tanning salon.

0:17:01 > 0:17:05I wanted to look like a Kennedy, but I think they set it on George Hamilton.

0:17:05 > 0:17:09- George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill?- No, that's George Foreman.

0:17:09 > 0:17:11You want to get married?

0:17:11 > 0:17:14I need a wife before the debate. Interested?

0:17:14 > 0:17:15Uh, I don't know, Mr Dobbs.

0:17:15 > 0:17:20We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing too ostentatious.

0:17:20 > 0:17:25- Little helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60. Come on.- Are you nervous?

0:17:25 > 0:17:28Why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?

0:17:28 > 0:17:32- But you have your own TV show.- Yeah, but on the show I ask the questions.

0:17:33 > 0:17:35You've got two minutes, Tom.

0:18:11 > 0:18:13Here we go.

0:18:13 > 0:18:16Good evening and welcome to this last presidential debate

0:18:16 > 0:18:20between the major candidates for President of the United States.

0:18:20 > 0:18:26The candidates are the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg, the Republican nominee,

0:18:26 > 0:18:32Senator Mills, and for the first time included in tonight's debate, the independent, Tom Dobbs.

0:18:32 > 0:18:37My name is Faith Daniels and I'll be the moderator for tonight's 90-minute debate...

0:18:37 > 0:18:38Cute.

0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Cleavage. Is that legal?- Very cute.

0:18:41 > 0:18:47The format has been agreed to by representatives of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns.

0:18:47 > 0:18:51There is no subject matter that's restricted.

0:18:51 > 0:18:55As always, each candidate will have up to two minutes to make a closing statement.

0:18:55 > 0:19:01The order of those, as well as the formal questioning tonight, were decided in advance by drawing.

0:19:01 > 0:19:05Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome. Let's begin.

0:19:05 > 0:19:11Mr Dobbs, how would you explain your decision to run for President of the United States?

0:19:11 > 0:19:15I decided to run because I'm fed up with party politics.

0:19:15 > 0:19:18I'm tired of the Republican Party and of the Democratic Party.

0:19:18 > 0:19:23- Oh, a little edgy! - There's no real difference. It's Mr Potato Candidate.

0:19:23 > 0:19:28Basically, you have a thing here where, here's the operative word, party.

0:19:28 > 0:19:33Behind closed doors, I think they just have a really good time. When you read the transcripts,

0:19:33 > 0:19:37some of the things your Secretary of Defence says, there must be an open bar somewhere!

0:19:38 > 0:19:42The bottom line is, they've lost track of what they're responsible for.

0:19:42 > 0:19:48They're responsible to the people, not party loyalties and definitely not lobbyists.

0:19:48 > 0:19:51- That's why I want to run for President.- Not punchy enough.

0:19:51 > 0:19:56I never thought I'd be saying this tonight, but you have one minute remaining on your time, Mr Dobbs.

0:19:56 > 0:19:57Can I get a refund?

0:19:59 > 0:20:01We will continue.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03Senator Mills, I'd like to ask you the same question.

0:20:03 > 0:20:08First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank all of you who are responsible for having us here this evening.

0:20:08 > 0:20:12I'd also like to thank my wife and children, who have been

0:20:12 > 0:20:15very supportive of my candidacy, very helpful.

0:20:15 > 0:20:17This guy smiles so much it's starting to upset me.

0:20:17 > 0:20:21I would like to thank all of those of you who made this possible.

0:20:21 > 0:20:25And if I may reiterate some of the comments of Senator Mills,

0:20:25 > 0:20:32with respect to family, children, wives and immediate family, and the enormously important role

0:20:32 > 0:20:36that they play in our failure or success - and in my case, success -

0:20:36 > 0:20:39my love to them, my love to all of you who...

0:20:39 > 0:20:44- What?!- He's talking about his wife and children. - Why's he running on? Who cares?

0:20:44 > 0:20:46Thank you so much.

0:20:46 > 0:20:52And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate of tough security measures.

0:20:52 > 0:20:55President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.

0:20:55 > 0:20:58I am in total agreement, without equivocation,

0:20:58 > 0:21:01that security measures have got to remain tough.

0:21:01 > 0:21:04APPLAUSE

0:21:04 > 0:21:05Thank you.

0:21:06 > 0:21:09Mr Dobbs, what would your position be on national security?

0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Come on.- Go on, Tom, go for it.- I believe some of these measures are already tough.

0:21:13 > 0:21:18If you've ever been through passport control, you stand in line with thousands of people, eventually

0:21:18 > 0:21:22you get to an immigration officer, behind bullet-proof glass, who takes your passport.

0:21:22 > 0:21:26He looks at your picture, looks back at you, says, "Why did you have your hair cut?"

0:21:26 > 0:21:28"I don't know, I felt good about myself."

0:21:28 > 0:21:33They have a video camera that takes a picture then compares it to your previous picture.

0:21:33 > 0:21:37- They're very tough about that. They're very sceptical.- He's got to make his move.- More oomph.

0:21:37 > 0:21:42Meanwhile, at the southern borders of our country, four million illegal aliens are crossing the border

0:21:42 > 0:21:44with bedroom sets and night tables.

0:21:44 > 0:21:48- Hit 'em again.- We're trying to re-enter the country legally,

0:21:48 > 0:21:52and they ask you tough questions like, "Where have you been? Why?" You start to doubt yourself.

0:21:52 > 0:21:57"I forgot why I was there. I guess it was pleasure.

0:21:57 > 0:22:00"It was a vacation. I'm sorry, I took a vacation! I don't know why!"

0:22:00 > 0:22:02And then...

0:22:02 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE

0:22:04 > 0:22:08The next thing you know, they're patting down an 85-year-old lady in a walker.

0:22:08 > 0:22:12Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady in a walker and she's a terrorist,

0:22:12 > 0:22:15basically, game's over, folks.

0:22:15 > 0:22:20And when they start to put on that rubber glove and look at me, I'm going, "OK..."

0:22:20 > 0:22:22"Maybe we should have dinner first before we do this."

0:22:22 > 0:22:27I'm saying let's have real security, not just the illusion of security.

0:22:27 > 0:22:28Whoa! Yeah.

0:22:31 > 0:22:37- I fully support hydrogen cars. - That's weird - you're backed by oil companies.

0:22:37 > 0:22:39- You'll have your turn, Mr Dobbs. - Sorry.

0:22:39 > 0:22:41As I was saying, some of my colleagues

0:22:41 > 0:22:45and I in the Senate have come up with an interesting strategy...

0:22:45 > 0:22:48If you're in bed with oil companies, how can you talk about fuel efficiency?

0:22:48 > 0:22:52- It's like being a kosher pig farmer. - He's getting angry.

0:22:52 > 0:22:56- This is not your talk show, Mr Dobbs.- And you're not on your private plane, flying to the golf

0:22:56 > 0:23:00- vacation you took with the three heads of the major oil corporations.- Wow.

0:23:00 > 0:23:02It's like something I never saw before.

0:23:02 > 0:23:04..or did you fly in in that lovely helium plane?

0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Mr Dobbs, you have to return to your podium!- That's a blimp, I'm sorry.

0:23:06 > 0:23:09No smoking in the hydrogen. Boom! Hindenburg!

0:23:09 > 0:23:13- Mr Dobbs, please... - Of course he's for hydrogen. It'll take 30 years to develop.

0:23:13 > 0:23:16Meanwhile, we haven't got any more fuel efficiency.

0:23:16 > 0:23:22We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane. I know it's hard to hold a chicken over the gas tank.

0:23:22 > 0:23:26- Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol.- Mr Dobbs...

0:23:26 > 0:23:29If you get stopped by the police, say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"

0:23:29 > 0:23:32Or maybe helium, because if you have a helium car...

0:23:32 > 0:23:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:35 > 0:23:39If you have a helium car and you get rear-ended. "Hey, something's wrong!"

0:23:40 > 0:23:43Mr Dobbs, you have got to return to your podium.

0:23:43 > 0:23:45- Can we get some order here? - Some order?

0:23:45 > 0:23:47You talk about responsibility - what about you?

0:23:47 > 0:23:51Your Treasury Department lost 28 million! They can't account for it.

0:23:51 > 0:23:53Please, return to your podium.

0:23:53 > 0:23:58Tell me that you are not receiving major campaign finance contributions from oil companies.

0:23:58 > 0:24:02- Boom!- I don't take kindly to you calling me a liar, Mr Dobbs.

0:24:02 > 0:24:06If this is a debate, you should answer questions honestly.

0:24:06 > 0:24:08You should be accountable for who you are.

0:24:08 > 0:24:11The voters should know what you represent.

0:24:11 > 0:24:14If you represent special-interest groups, maybe we should be like NASCAR.

0:24:14 > 0:24:18We'd be in the Senate with our suits on, and if you're backed by something,

0:24:18 > 0:24:20it'd be little patches like they wear in NASCAR.

0:24:20 > 0:24:24"Vioxx - the backaches end, the heart attacks begin."

0:24:24 > 0:24:27Put the big one on the back. "Enron - we take your money and run."

0:24:27 > 0:24:29Smack down!

0:24:29 > 0:24:31It's all about accountability...

0:24:31 > 0:24:35We have a format that we agreed upon, may I remind you...

0:24:35 > 0:24:38For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here. Standby on three. Take three.

0:24:38 > 0:24:40..and the airlines are...

0:24:40 > 0:24:42Faith, can you hear me?

0:24:42 > 0:24:46Can you get control of this, please? Get control of this!

0:24:46 > 0:24:50We deal in weapons of mass distraction. They push your buttons.

0:24:50 > 0:24:52He's talking about hydrogen fuel.

0:24:52 > 0:24:55He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning.

0:24:55 > 0:24:58It's an emotional issue! They talk about desecration of the flag.

0:24:58 > 0:25:02But if you go online right now, you can buy flag underwear!

0:25:02 > 0:25:08- Wow!- You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong and go, "Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!"

0:25:10 > 0:25:12It's all about distractions!

0:25:12 > 0:25:17- Mr Dobbs...- No, no, Mr Kellogg. Mr Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same-sex marriage!

0:25:17 > 0:25:22- You're out of line... - Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!

0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Mr Dobbs! - They don't know what to do.

0:25:24 > 0:25:27- What's up with that?- Mr Dobbs, please...- It's a distraction!

0:25:27 > 0:25:30They point over here, they point over there. They want you not to know.

0:25:30 > 0:25:32You don't need an amendment on burning the flag.

0:25:32 > 0:25:35Make it out of asbestos - no-one will want to touch it!

0:25:35 > 0:25:39Please do not make a mockery of this process. Return to your podium.

0:25:39 > 0:25:42- It's been a mockery a long time before I came here, Faith.- Mr Dobbs!

0:25:45 > 0:25:47Now we got applause. This is wonderful(!)

0:25:47 > 0:25:50We're out of control. We're absolutely out of control.

0:25:50 > 0:25:54- You want 1 billion? You can buy a few books!- Mr Dobbs!

0:26:00 > 0:26:02'It's hard to say how voters will react to Tom Dobbs.'

0:26:02 > 0:26:05Either he's a hot dog or the genuine article.

0:26:05 > 0:26:08He did make some issues come home to people.

0:26:08 > 0:26:11If he could follow through, he may have scored points tonight.

0:26:11 > 0:26:16Good point. But this wasn't just funny in the abstract, it was very pointed and very to the point.

0:26:16 > 0:26:22He was making political points through comedy, and I thought it was incredible entertainment.

0:26:22 > 0:26:24How good the politics is, we'll have to wait and see.

0:26:24 > 0:26:28It's going to be difficult to assess how the American public will respond

0:26:28 > 0:26:31to the level of undisciplined behaviour Tom Dobbs exhibited.

0:26:31 > 0:26:33I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric.

0:26:33 > 0:26:36Jack. Excuse me. Can you go see Tom right away?

0:26:36 > 0:26:38He thinks he screwed up.

0:26:38 > 0:26:42Yeah, I'm euphoric, he thinks he screwed up!

0:26:44 > 0:26:48Who gives a shit what talking heads think? Different is good.

0:26:48 > 0:26:51When I first saw you, I liked you because you were different. New.

0:26:51 > 0:26:55You talked too fast. Couldn't understand you half the time.

0:26:55 > 0:26:56But you were fresh.

0:26:56 > 0:27:01These politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum.

0:27:01 > 0:27:04They're already in their suits, waiting to be buried.

0:27:04 > 0:27:07You wanna be like them? Waste of time. You wanna be different.

0:27:07 > 0:27:09All bets are off.

0:27:09 > 0:27:11You're a good candidate, Tom.

0:27:11 > 0:27:13As loony as that seems. But...

0:27:14 > 0:27:16What?

0:27:19 > 0:27:22You could be...an even better one.

0:27:22 > 0:27:24Are you all right?

0:27:27 > 0:27:30- What's wrong? - I'm just...a little short of breath.

0:27:35 > 0:27:37Let's get you to the hospital.

0:27:58 > 0:28:00It's his emphysema.

0:28:00 > 0:28:04The doctors say he has a problem with the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.

0:28:04 > 0:28:08There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?

0:28:09 > 0:28:13This'll be the first time I'll be in front of an audience without him.

0:28:13 > 0:28:16You do what you did tonight and things could get really interesting.

0:28:27 > 0:28:29The old bastard's right. Look at that.

0:28:29 > 0:28:33You gotta be different to make an impression. I'm shaking it up there.

0:28:33 > 0:28:35Forget trying to be presidential.

0:28:35 > 0:28:38You end up looking like them - another stiff in a suit.

0:28:40 > 0:28:42I gotta play my game.

0:28:43 > 0:28:45They thought I was wild in the debate?

0:28:46 > 0:28:49Watch me the next two weeks.

0:28:49 > 0:28:50I'm back.

0:28:50 > 0:28:55How do you answer the allegations that you were arrested for smoking marijuana?

0:28:55 > 0:29:00I was, yes. I did inhale, because I thought, "What the hell? It's lit, to my hand, I'll inhale it."

0:29:00 > 0:29:04- You're not denying these charges? - Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned. I was on everything but skates.

0:29:04 > 0:29:07- Do you think it'll affect the campaign?- Not really. You wanna know my history?

0:29:07 > 0:29:11When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies. Hence, my right hand is very strong.

0:29:11 > 0:29:16I touched myself more than a third base coach. At 17 years old, I beat up a guy.

0:29:16 > 0:29:17When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.

0:29:17 > 0:29:19I was so bad she gave me a refund.

0:29:19 > 0:29:23I once had a blind date that I left in the theatre. I felt so bad, I married her.

0:29:23 > 0:29:28That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with. I just farted a while back there.

0:29:28 > 0:29:32If you find any other nonsense to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it. Full disclosure.

0:29:32 > 0:29:35Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the campaign.

0:29:35 > 0:29:38It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people.

0:29:40 > 0:29:42Are you tired of the Democratic Party?

0:29:43 > 0:29:46Are you tired of the Republican Party?

0:29:46 > 0:29:49Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing?

0:29:50 > 0:29:51Are you tired...

0:29:51 > 0:29:54of having twice as many lobbyists as they've ever had before?

0:29:55 > 0:30:00Then I...I have an idea. Don't vote for the congressmen or senators.

0:30:00 > 0:30:03- You don't have to vote. Know how we're gonna pick 'em?- No!

0:30:03 > 0:30:05The same way we pick a jury.

0:30:05 > 0:30:10You'll get a more interesting cross-section than the folks you got right now. I guarantee it.

0:30:10 > 0:30:12Do you want a better healthcare system?

0:30:14 > 0:30:18You have an HMO that says, "We'll give you Viagra, but we won't pay for glasses."

0:30:18 > 0:30:21You can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.

0:30:21 > 0:30:23- We're gonna change it, aren't we? - Yeah!- Yeah!

0:30:23 > 0:30:26We're not just talking liberal or conservative. Big-time change.

0:30:26 > 0:30:29Recently, a lot of the past administrations said

0:30:29 > 0:30:33it's "unpatriotic" to question the government.

0:30:33 > 0:30:38If it was unpatriotic to question the government, we'd still be English.

0:30:38 > 0:30:42The Boston Tea Party wasn't people going, "Oh, hello."

0:30:42 > 0:30:47It was a lot of guys going, "Here's your tea, right here!" I'm tired of the Democratic Party.

0:30:47 > 0:30:49I'm tired of the Republican Party.

0:30:49 > 0:30:51We're talking about freedom of speech.

0:30:51 > 0:30:53It also comes down to freedom of religion.

0:30:53 > 0:30:56Practising any religion you want, anytime, anywhere.

0:30:56 > 0:30:58You could be Bewish - Jewish and Buddhist.

0:30:58 > 0:31:03You wait for things to go on sale. That's OK. We're talking about freedom of religion.

0:31:03 > 0:31:06Occasionally, religion crosses over. You have people saying,

0:31:06 > 0:31:09"You must teach intelligent design." Look at the human body.

0:31:09 > 0:31:11Intelligent? I find it more interesting.

0:31:11 > 0:31:14You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area.

0:31:14 > 0:31:16They always attack environmentalists.

0:31:16 > 0:31:20"You're a tree-hugger." I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree."

0:31:20 > 0:31:24"If you find the right naughty pine, you're gonna have a good night."

0:31:24 > 0:31:27"Who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?"

0:31:27 > 0:31:30I'm not just a tree-hugger, I'm an air-breather. I'm sorry.

0:31:30 > 0:31:35It's bad enough with the squirrels going, "Please help me. I can't breathe today."

0:31:37 > 0:31:40If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be fishing,

0:31:40 > 0:31:43going, "You know, Bob, I love catching them two-headed bass."

0:31:43 > 0:31:47"They're good eating once you get past the tumors."

0:31:47 > 0:31:51I'm tired of the Democratic Party. Now I'm tired of the Republican Party.

0:31:51 > 0:31:53That's why we're here. Because you want change! Yeah!

0:31:53 > 0:31:56You wanna shake it up! You have to be eyes

0:31:56 > 0:31:59wide open, ready to move on!

0:31:59 > 0:32:04Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together, moving forward.

0:32:04 > 0:32:06Because the future is now!

0:32:11 > 0:32:13Oh, yeah! Yeah!

0:32:56 > 0:33:01- Tom, you're the greatest!- Thank you. - Sure you don't want us to drive? It's eight hours back to Chicago.

0:33:01 > 0:33:05No, I just want to be alone with my Barry White tapes.

0:33:05 > 0:33:11Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak, so he could doze off before all the results are in.

0:33:11 > 0:33:13What's new? He used to do that during my act.

0:33:15 > 0:33:18Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Menken.

0:33:18 > 0:33:22- They're cheaper on the road. - You're so thoughtful.

0:33:22 > 0:33:23It's my middle name.

0:33:23 > 0:33:25Compassion.

0:33:30 > 0:33:32'The exit polls are very close.

0:33:32 > 0:33:38'Kellogg and Mills are running about even, with Dobbs at around' 17% of the vote.

0:33:50 > 0:33:54As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by a small margin over Senator Mills

0:33:54 > 0:33:57in Rhode Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts.

0:33:57 > 0:34:00But in all three states, the numbers are very close.

0:34:00 > 0:34:03See these numbers? The computer glitch is happening the same way.

0:34:03 > 0:34:07It looks as if Delaware now is going to President Kellogg by a very close margin.

0:34:07 > 0:34:11- What do you mean, it's not computing right?- It's not. Something's wrong.

0:34:13 > 0:34:15'An unusual turn of events in Virginia.

0:34:15 > 0:34:20'With now 87% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.

0:34:20 > 0:34:22'That will surprise more than a few of the experts.

0:34:22 > 0:34:26'The Dobbs numbers have been increasing since the last debate.

0:34:26 > 0:34:28'Most of the polls had him with 10-11%.

0:34:28 > 0:34:33'So, if this vote holds true in Virginia, Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.'

0:34:33 > 0:34:34Yeah!

0:34:49 > 0:34:51Ding-dong! Ready for your pina colonic?

0:34:51 > 0:34:55- What are you doing here? - Thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves.

0:34:55 > 0:34:57How about Virginia?

0:34:57 > 0:34:59Virginia's OK, but Debbie...

0:34:59 > 0:35:01Such a slut!

0:35:01 > 0:35:03A little intensive care package here.

0:35:03 > 0:35:07- Red wine.- A good month.- Yes.

0:35:07 > 0:35:11OK. A little cheese and pate, always good after a heart attack.

0:35:11 > 0:35:13Sit.

0:35:13 > 0:35:16'Comedian Tom Dobbs has won New Jersey as well as Virginia,'

0:35:16 > 0:35:21a blue and a red state, which indicates that his message cuts across political lines.

0:35:21 > 0:35:23It's gonna be interesting.

0:35:24 > 0:35:30You're not gonna win this election, but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.

0:35:30 > 0:35:34From all the signs tonight, that Delacroy voting system has worked extremely well.

0:35:34 > 0:35:39We're not hearing anything about long lines at the booths or other snafus.

0:35:39 > 0:35:43It seems that this has straightened out some of those voting problems of the past.

0:36:03 > 0:36:07- Excuse me.- Hey, Eleanor. - Have you looked at these numbers?

0:36:07 > 0:36:09Yeah. Yeah.

0:36:09 > 0:36:13I emailed you. I told you I thought there was something wrong with the system.

0:36:13 > 0:36:16I was told the glitch was limited to my computer.

0:36:16 > 0:36:18Yeah. What?

0:36:18 > 0:36:20Are you calling me a liar?

0:36:20 > 0:36:25No. All I'm saying is, these numbers, these results, this is what I mentioned to you in my email.

0:36:25 > 0:36:27Why did you decide to test the system?

0:36:27 > 0:36:30- I don't know.- Why'd you need to run a test at such a high count?

0:36:30 > 0:36:32I don't know.

0:36:32 > 0:36:36- If you found a system error, how were we gonna fix it?- I'm not sure.

0:36:36 > 0:36:40Look into your soul and ask yourself this, why would you test the computer

0:36:40 > 0:36:43at such limits with so few days left to fix a problem if you found one?

0:36:43 > 0:36:47- I...was just double-checking. - Do you want to destroy this company?

0:36:47 > 0:36:51Because that's what you may do. You understand the ramifications.

0:36:51 > 0:36:55Do you want to put over, employees out of work? Do ya?

0:36:55 > 0:36:57But the election will be a fraud!

0:36:57 > 0:37:00Here it is in the light of day, the people are voting, there is an election,

0:37:00 > 0:37:03the democratic process is working. The only sour note?

0:37:03 > 0:37:06They won't end up with the person that they voted for to be the President.

0:37:06 > 0:37:08But we can celebrate the process.

0:37:08 > 0:37:12The democratic process which we hold so dear will have worked.

0:37:12 > 0:37:19Everybody's gonna be satisfied. Unless somebody discloses indiscriminately, willy-nilly.

0:37:19 > 0:37:23It will appear democracy is in the shithouse, and by tomorrow Delacroy will be nonexistent.

0:37:23 > 0:37:27- Now, was that your motive?- No.

0:37:27 > 0:37:29America votes, a leader is chosen.

0:37:29 > 0:37:32But one thing could disturb this beatific vision.

0:37:32 > 0:37:37- I... I just want to be truthful. - Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself.

0:37:37 > 0:37:41That's the greater truth. Don't fuck with our democracy.

0:37:41 > 0:37:43Don't undermine our way of life.

0:37:43 > 0:37:45Every American believes their vote counts.

0:37:45 > 0:37:47Now you wanna tell them that's not true?

0:37:47 > 0:37:50But the results of the election will be wrong!

0:37:50 > 0:37:53One candidate will win because of computer error.

0:37:53 > 0:37:55- How do we know that?- I'm telling you!

0:37:55 > 0:37:58Based on what? Guessing. Listen, this is your project, Eleanor.

0:37:58 > 0:38:03If you wanna tinker with it for a future election, it's not only your prerogative, I encourage you.

0:38:03 > 0:38:08The Delacroy voting system is your baby. You're a perfectionist and you wanna make it more perfect,

0:38:08 > 0:38:10but do it alone

0:38:10 > 0:38:13and with an eye to the future,

0:38:13 > 0:38:16because it is the future that interests us. Now is the past.

0:38:18 > 0:38:21As I understand it...

0:38:21 > 0:38:23there's no problem.

0:38:39 > 0:38:41And?

0:38:43 > 0:38:45And.

0:39:01 > 0:39:05- I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs.- Oh, Danny, please!

0:39:05 > 0:39:07So this is all part of the same computer error?

0:39:07 > 0:39:09Yes.

0:39:09 > 0:39:10I'm going home.

0:39:13 > 0:39:17Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program, I'll tell you that.

0:39:17 > 0:39:21- What does my legal counsel suggest, then?- I'm gonna make a phone call.

0:39:21 > 0:39:26There was some research done saying more and more people are getting their political news

0:39:26 > 0:39:31from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher

0:39:31 > 0:39:34more than from newspapers and actual news programs.

0:39:34 > 0:39:37There you go. My thoughts exactly.

0:39:37 > 0:39:40You're kidding me? Aw, come on!

0:39:40 > 0:39:42It should be on the news any minute.

0:39:42 > 0:39:45It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina!

0:39:45 > 0:39:49What?! And Indiana? You're sure?

0:39:49 > 0:39:51Oh, this is so insane.

0:39:51 > 0:39:53Insanity, it's sweet insanity!

0:39:53 > 0:39:55'And Indiana goes to Dobbs!

0:39:56 > 0:40:01'It's just been confirmed that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.'

0:40:01 > 0:40:06If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state where he's been on the ballot.

0:40:06 > 0:40:08Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.

0:40:08 > 0:40:13- So New York wants a comedian as President.- Comedian Tom Dobbs.

0:40:13 > 0:40:18Another big win for Dobbs. With 99% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.

0:40:18 > 0:40:21The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State.

0:40:21 > 0:40:27According to my calculations, comedian Tom Dobbs has got 146 electoral votes right now.

0:40:27 > 0:40:29He's got 'em. There are five more states

0:40:29 > 0:40:32to be counted where he's on the ballot, out of the 13 to be counted.

0:40:32 > 0:40:38And it's possible, if he takes all five states, that could put Dobbs over the top of the 270 needed.

0:40:38 > 0:40:42I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility.

0:40:42 > 0:40:46Not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.

0:40:49 > 0:40:53This is the happiest night of my life.

0:40:53 > 0:40:54And I can't stay awake.

0:40:56 > 0:41:01Our exit polls have only in some cases proven accurate.

0:41:01 > 0:41:05Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices close to the vest.

0:41:05 > 0:41:12Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers, but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.

0:41:12 > 0:41:16In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state

0:41:16 > 0:41:19where they've been going one on one...

0:41:56 > 0:41:59They are still confident of an election victory.

0:41:59 > 0:42:02Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum since the debate.

0:42:02 > 0:42:05Now, right after the debate, there was a mixed reaction,

0:42:05 > 0:42:11but what we've seen since then is that the public apparently sees him as a candidate for change.

0:42:11 > 0:42:15He has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers.

0:42:15 > 0:42:22We are now going to go live back to Election Central, where Chris Matthews is standing by. Chris?

0:42:22 > 0:42:23Hold on to your hats, folks.

0:42:23 > 0:42:26Tom Dobbs...

0:42:30 > 0:42:35Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next President of the United States.

0:42:46 > 0:42:52At 1:23 East Coast time, comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected President of the United States.

0:42:52 > 0:42:56The free world will now be led by a comedian.

0:43:20 > 0:43:24Mr President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service. I'll be taking over.

0:43:25 > 0:43:28You don't find this a little bit absurd?

0:43:33 > 0:43:35Thanks for your honesty.

0:43:35 > 0:43:38Always been a big fan of your work, sir.

0:43:45 > 0:43:48Jack, you're the manager of the President of the United States.

0:43:51 > 0:43:53Comedy Store to the White House.

0:43:56 > 0:43:58We must look into computer fraud.

0:43:58 > 0:44:02I mean, we've had problems in other states. Florida, Ohio, elsewhere.

0:44:02 > 0:44:07where it's not only questions of malfunction, but also questions of legitimacy.

0:44:07 > 0:44:09Are these computers hackable?

0:44:09 > 0:44:11There isn't a paper trail.

0:44:11 > 0:44:15It's not the way the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that.

0:44:15 > 0:44:20Let's face it, the reality is a comedian was elected President of the United States.

0:44:20 > 0:44:22Case closed, end of discussion.

0:44:28 > 0:44:31Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet?

0:44:31 > 0:44:34I looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked, but

0:44:34 > 0:44:37I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That'd be lovely.

0:44:37 > 0:44:41- What was your vice president's response?- Shocked as the rest of us.

0:44:41 > 0:44:45- "Guess I'll have to clear my calendar for the next four years."- Can we get back to questions of the cabinet?

0:44:45 > 0:44:51Certainly. It will be diverse and include Republicans and Democrats and people of no party affiliation.

0:44:51 > 0:44:54I want diversity. I believe democracy is a collision of ideas.

0:44:54 > 0:44:57I'm not of the school that if you're not for us you're against us.

0:44:57 > 0:45:01That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.

0:45:01 > 0:45:05It'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors.

0:45:05 > 0:45:07Thank you, everyone. We're on our way to Washington.

0:45:07 > 0:45:10Wish us luck. It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it.

0:45:25 > 0:45:28- Hello?- Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.

0:45:28 > 0:45:31Maybe if you paid more attention instead of daydreaming.

0:45:31 > 0:45:34Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please.

0:45:34 > 0:45:36Sure.

0:45:38 > 0:45:41- Hey, Angus. Cappuccino.- Can't you see he's busy getting mine now?

0:45:41 > 0:45:44I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal.

0:45:44 > 0:45:49- It's really not a big deal. - Well, apparently it is, cos this is taking forever. It's forever.

0:45:49 > 0:45:53- Hold your horses.- Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like?

0:45:53 > 0:45:56- God, can you please just let me get my cappuccino?!- OK.

0:46:00 > 0:46:02Didn't realise you were such a bitch.

0:46:05 > 0:46:10Anytime during this millennium would be terrific. Thanks.

0:46:10 > 0:46:13- Cappuccino?- Yes. Thanks.

0:46:47 > 0:46:49Oh! Ow. Ow. Oh.

0:46:49 > 0:46:51Shit.

0:46:51 > 0:46:53Shit. Shit.

0:46:53 > 0:46:55- Eleanor, let me give you a hand. - I got it.

0:46:55 > 0:46:58- Just let me take care of it for you. - I got it. I got it!

0:46:59 > 0:47:00- It's no...- I got it!

0:47:02 > 0:47:03I got it.

0:47:03 > 0:47:05- OK.- I got it.

0:47:05 > 0:47:07I got it. I got it.

0:47:07 > 0:47:09- Who stole my purse?- Ellie.

0:47:09 > 0:47:11Ellie, it's right here.

0:47:11 > 0:47:14Did you empty out my purse?

0:47:17 > 0:47:19Did you touch my things?

0:47:19 > 0:47:21- No!- You touched my things.

0:47:25 > 0:47:27I can't believe you touched my things.

0:47:27 > 0:47:30- Ellie, I didn't. - You touched my things.

0:47:30 > 0:47:32What is wrong with you?

0:47:33 > 0:47:35He went through my things!

0:47:39 > 0:47:41Dammit!

0:47:43 > 0:47:45I made a mess.

0:47:45 > 0:47:47I've made a mess.

0:47:47 > 0:47:50I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess. But it's my mess!

0:47:50 > 0:47:52It's my mess and I'll clean it up.

0:47:52 > 0:47:53OK.

0:47:53 > 0:47:57I'm gonna clean up my mess. It's my mess. It's my mess.

0:47:57 > 0:48:02I'm gonna clean it up. It's my mess, my mess...

0:48:02 > 0:48:04Ellie? Do you want me to get some help?

0:48:04 > 0:48:07- My mess.- Can someone call 911?

0:48:18 > 0:48:24We have a deadline. In terms of appointments, there are roughly 7-8,000, slots to be filled,

0:48:24 > 0:48:261,500 of which will require Senate confirmation.

0:48:26 > 0:48:297-8,000? Do we know that many incompetent people?

0:48:29 > 0:48:33- Well, in LA, maybe.- Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.

0:48:33 > 0:48:38We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions, or at least float some of your possible choices.

0:48:38 > 0:48:43Just off the top of my head, I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.

0:48:43 > 0:48:45Joke.

0:48:45 > 0:48:49Little one. Little joke. Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys.

0:48:49 > 0:48:52I do care. Phew, hope this works.

0:48:52 > 0:48:53Oh, it'll work.

0:48:53 > 0:48:55I think.

0:49:07 > 0:49:10Thank you. Sorry I'm late. My horse pulled up lame.

0:49:15 > 0:49:17Thank you. Nice tie.

0:49:17 > 0:49:21President-elect Tom Dobbs paid an impromptu visit to Congress and,

0:49:21 > 0:49:24literally, brought down the House with laughter.

0:49:24 > 0:49:27'As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress

0:49:27 > 0:49:31'left their offices to see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand.'

0:49:32 > 0:49:34That reception was extraordinary.

0:49:34 > 0:49:37I will try and be brief, cos I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.

0:49:37 > 0:49:43It should be duly noted, Chairman, that this not a scheduled visit, it is not on the docket for today,

0:49:43 > 0:49:48it's not really official, so no rules have been violated, it's just our little secret.

0:49:48 > 0:49:51Between you, me and the world media.

0:49:51 > 0:49:54I also have some disturbing news.

0:49:54 > 0:50:01I took a brief poll, and one third of Congressmen and women thought this was still the present fashion.

0:50:01 > 0:50:04Other third thought I looked like former First Lady Barbara Bush.

0:50:04 > 0:50:07I'm looking at the toxology report. It's overwhelming.

0:50:07 > 0:50:12She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin...

0:50:12 > 0:50:16Historians have written that our founding fathers were brilliant and

0:50:16 > 0:50:23courageous men, but they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.

0:50:23 > 0:50:26What will they think about us in some years from now?

0:50:26 > 0:50:31What will they write about this Congress? Will they say that you're brave and brilliant?

0:50:31 > 0:50:33Courageous?

0:50:33 > 0:50:36Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?

0:50:36 > 0:50:39We have a lot to live up to.

0:50:39 > 0:50:40I think we can do it.

0:50:40 > 0:50:42I KNOW we can do it.

0:50:44 > 0:50:47You can't just say it didn't happen.

0:50:49 > 0:50:52When have you ever known me to ever take any kind of drugs?

0:50:52 > 0:50:54I'm even afraid of NyQuil.

0:50:56 > 0:50:58I got a promotion.

0:50:58 > 0:51:00They're sending me to Ireland.

0:51:00 > 0:51:02Oh, Danny.

0:51:02 > 0:51:06- What? - They're just trying to pay you off!

0:51:06 > 0:51:09They just don't want you talking about the computer problems.

0:51:12 > 0:51:15Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.

0:51:15 > 0:51:18- Do you think anybody'll believe you? - Sure. Why not?

0:51:18 > 0:51:24- Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?- I don't do drugs.

0:51:24 > 0:51:27- Cocaine.- I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't!

0:51:27 > 0:51:29Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?

0:51:32 > 0:51:36..Inner cities, infrastructure, environmental issues.

0:51:36 > 0:51:39- That's what's before us.- He will.

0:52:00 > 0:52:02Talk to me, baby, talk to me.

0:52:02 > 0:52:06'Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.'

0:52:06 > 0:52:07OK.

0:52:08 > 0:52:11FBI. FBI.

0:52:12 > 0:52:13FBI.

0:52:14 > 0:52:15FBI.

0:52:17 > 0:52:19FBI.

0:52:19 > 0:52:23I am now the manager of the president-elect of the United States.

0:52:23 > 0:52:2915% of the President's salary is nothing compared to what Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis.

0:52:29 > 0:52:33This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make since

0:52:33 > 0:52:37I am now the first show business manager ever to handle a president.

0:52:37 > 0:52:40# The way you wear your hat

0:52:42 > 0:52:44# The way you sip your tea

0:52:45 > 0:52:48# In memory of all that... #

0:52:55 > 0:52:57Oh, I wish I could walk.

0:53:01 > 0:53:03Oh, man.

0:53:06 > 0:53:08Happy birthday, Mr Menken.

0:53:09 > 0:53:11Eleanor Green, FBI.

0:53:11 > 0:53:14Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.

0:53:14 > 0:53:15Everything all right?

0:53:15 > 0:53:19Oh, just fine. Just fine.

0:53:19 > 0:53:22I'm just here just making sure everything's...secured.

0:53:27 > 0:53:31I probably shouldn't have introduced myself. I'm sorry, that was...out of place.

0:53:31 > 0:53:33No, you have to.

0:53:34 > 0:53:35Anyway, happy birthday again.

0:53:35 > 0:53:38Again? Did another year just pass?

0:53:38 > 0:53:41I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.

0:53:41 > 0:53:43- Except how to be funny. - I can see that.

0:53:43 > 0:53:46A put-down from the FBI.

0:53:46 > 0:53:48No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

0:53:48 > 0:53:51Please. It's all right. He's only annoying when he's happy.

0:53:51 > 0:53:53It's an old Irish tradition.

0:53:53 > 0:53:55- You want to dance?- I don't dance.

0:53:55 > 0:53:57They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?

0:53:57 > 0:54:04J Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer. Fat, but light on his feet.

0:54:05 > 0:54:10Could we just talk and not move?

0:54:11 > 0:54:13Sure.

0:54:13 > 0:54:16PIANO MUSIC STARTS

0:54:29 > 0:54:33So, what do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?

0:54:35 > 0:54:38- It's that apparent?- Yeah.

0:54:39 > 0:54:40You're not concerned?

0:54:40 > 0:54:43- Me crashing the party?- Please.

0:54:43 > 0:54:44I've played in clubs for years.

0:54:44 > 0:54:49Had to deal with drunks, hecklers, and angry waitresses, one of which is my ex-wife.

0:54:49 > 0:54:53I have an eye for that kind of thing and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.

0:54:53 > 0:54:56Good. That's good.

0:54:56 > 0:55:01Yeah. Besides, Secret Service already flagged you and I said you were OK.

0:55:15 > 0:55:17- Too fast?- No, I'm fine.

0:55:17 > 0:55:19No, I'm...

0:55:19 > 0:55:23So, what do you really do?

0:55:23 > 0:55:25Um... Well, I did work for

0:55:25 > 0:55:27Delacroy Voting Systems.

0:55:27 > 0:55:31But they had cutbacks.

0:55:31 > 0:55:34- I... Laid off.- Laid off?

0:55:34 > 0:55:36I thought they were making the big bucks. That's weird.

0:55:36 > 0:55:39Well, it was a small cutback, actually.

0:55:39 > 0:55:42It was a very small cutback, actually. Just me.

0:55:42 > 0:55:46Oh, so would "fired" be more appropriate than "cutback"?

0:55:46 > 0:55:49Well, if you want to be picky...

0:55:49 > 0:55:54- Oh, picky.- ..with words, then yes, then I guess fired...

0:55:54 > 0:55:57Fired would be it.

0:55:58 > 0:55:59May I ask why?

0:56:03 > 0:56:05- Oh, none of my business.- It is.

0:56:09 > 0:56:13Look, you're having such a good time. I don't want to spoil it.

0:56:13 > 0:56:14You have to do the birthday toast now.

0:56:14 > 0:56:16OK, I'll be right there. Yeah.

0:56:19 > 0:56:22- Listen. We're staffing up right now and...- Staffing up?- Yeah.

0:56:22 > 0:56:24Tom.

0:56:26 > 0:56:29- Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.- OK.

0:56:29 > 0:56:30That's not why I'm here.

0:56:30 > 0:56:32This is my personal cell.

0:56:32 > 0:56:36And, you know, if you need anything, you call. OK?

0:56:48 > 0:56:50Yes, indeed!

0:56:50 > 0:56:54To Jack Menken, a man who once said: "If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich

0:56:54 > 0:56:57with Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today."

0:56:57 > 0:56:59I... I'm sorry.

0:57:01 > 0:57:06This is a man who's so sensitive, someone once asked, "What do you think of gay marriage?"

0:57:06 > 0:57:10and he said, "I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."

0:57:10 > 0:57:13To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.

0:57:13 > 0:57:15- A great manager. - A great manager.- Made you a star.

0:57:15 > 0:57:22- Mm-hm.- Made you the President, and by doing so has put me out of work. - God bless him. God bless Jack Menken!

0:57:27 > 0:57:30# Well, my heart knows me better than I know myself

0:57:30 > 0:57:31# so I'm going to let it do all the talking

0:57:31 > 0:57:35# (woo-hoo-oo, woo-hoo)

0:57:35 > 0:57:38# I came across a place in the middle o' nowhere

0:57:38 > 0:57:40# With a big black horse and a cherry tree

0:57:40 > 0:57:44# (woo-hoo-oo, woo-hoo)

0:57:44 > 0:57:48# Big black horse and a cherry tree

0:57:48 > 0:57:54# I can't quite get there cos my heart's forsaken me

0:57:54 > 0:57:58# Yeah yeah yeah, big black horse and a cherry tree

0:57:58 > 0:58:02# I can't quite get there cos my heart's forsaken me. #

0:58:02 > 0:58:04PHONE RINGS

0:58:04 > 0:58:07- 'Danny, hi.' - 'Hey. Where the hell are you?'

0:58:07 > 0:58:10'Are you alone? This is your cellphone, right?'

0:58:10 > 0:58:12'Yeah, why? What's going on?'

0:58:12 > 0:58:15'Paranoid, I guess. I got a chance to meet him.

0:58:15 > 0:58:17'Dobbs.'

0:58:17 > 0:58:18'You didn't tell him, did you?'

0:58:18 > 0:58:22- 'I mean...'- No, but he should know, don't you think?

0:58:22 > 0:58:26Let it go. Just put it behind you. Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened.

0:58:26 > 0:58:29Is anyone figuring out what happened with the system? I'm curious.

0:58:29 > 0:58:33I don't know. You know, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.

0:58:33 > 0:58:36They'd be going through the private channels for that sort of thing.

0:58:36 > 0:58:38You know how that goes.

0:58:38 > 0:58:39Ellie?

0:58:39 > 0:58:41Good night, Danny.

0:58:45 > 0:58:47James Hemming's office.

0:58:47 > 0:58:51- 'Yes, is Mr. Hemmings in? This is Tom Dobbs.'- Just a minute.

0:58:51 > 0:58:53Mm-hm?

0:58:53 > 0:58:55It's a Tom Dobbs.

0:58:55 > 0:58:57Is that the Tom Dobbs, President-Elect Dobbs?

0:58:57 > 0:58:59Well, did you ask?

0:58:59 > 0:59:01No. I was too embarrassed to.

0:59:01 > 0:59:03All right.

0:59:03 > 0:59:06James Hemmings.

0:59:06 > 0:59:09James. Tom Dobbs, president-elect.

0:59:09 > 0:59:11Uh... Yes, sir. Yes, of course.

0:59:11 > 0:59:17I know this is a little out of the ordinary, but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?

0:59:17 > 0:59:20Uh, yeah. Um... Is something wrong?

0:59:20 > 0:59:23I need some information. Strictly confidential, just between you and me.

0:59:23 > 0:59:27Yeah, well... I mean, well, you know, where do I begin?

0:59:27 > 0:59:30- I know that she was fired by Delacroy.- Mm.

0:59:32 > 0:59:33Uh, look, I'm a little confused.

0:59:33 > 0:59:36Is she... Is she applying for a job with you?

0:59:36 > 0:59:39- No.- Did you meet with her personally?

0:59:39 > 0:59:43Yes. That's how I knew that she was a Delacroy employee and she was fired by your company.

0:59:43 > 0:59:46Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that?

0:59:46 > 0:59:50- Add what?- Did she mention that she had a bad drug problem?

0:59:50 > 0:59:52She had a breakdown here. She had to be hospitalized.

0:59:52 > 0:59:55No, she didn't mention that.

0:59:55 > 0:59:58That's why I'm surprised she's there. She should be in drug rehab.

0:59:58 > 1:00:01That's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.

1:00:01 > 1:00:03- Do you know how I might reach her? - Do you know how I might reach her?

1:00:03 > 1:00:07- I guess we both have a problem in that area.- Yeah.

1:00:07 > 1:00:10Yeah. Look, if I hear anything I'll contact you.

1:00:10 > 1:00:14Delacroy Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market

1:00:14 > 1:00:17which will invest in their computer voting system.

1:00:17 > 1:00:21With this announcement, Delacroy stock has jumped 37% on the Big Board.

1:00:23 > 1:00:26Come on! S.

1:00:26 > 1:00:29- Yeah, there are two of them. - All right.

1:00:33 > 1:00:37'Yeah, two Ns. That'll get you on the board with 1800.'

1:00:43 > 1:00:45'L?'

1:00:45 > 1:00:46'Yeah, there are two of them.'

1:00:46 > 1:00:51- 'Got almost 3,000 in that kitty.' - 'I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to buy an I.'

1:00:51 > 1:00:53'Well, there are two Is.

1:00:53 > 1:00:59- 'It'd be a good time to find a letter or two.'- 'M.'

1:00:59 > 1:01:01'Or three. Yes.'

1:01:08 > 1:01:13Double Gs before double Ls.

1:01:13 > 1:01:15Double Bs before double Gs.

1:01:21 > 1:01:22Yes! Yes!

1:01:27 > 1:01:32Double Gs before double Ls. Double Bs before double Gs.

1:01:36 > 1:01:39It's alphabetical.

1:01:40 > 1:01:43It's alphabetical.

1:01:43 > 1:01:47OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go?

1:01:47 > 1:01:50Evidently not.

1:01:50 > 1:01:52- That's smart.- Her ID's showing up in the access log.

1:01:52 > 1:01:56She's been in the mainframe, poking around the code depository.

1:01:56 > 1:01:59- Do we know where she is? - Not yet, but we will.

1:01:59 > 1:02:02- 'What's the matter?'- You know what's the matter. I'm unhappy.

1:02:02 > 1:02:04You're unhappy about what?

1:02:04 > 1:02:06What do you think I'm unhappy about?

1:02:06 > 1:02:09- You agreed to play the turkey. - I never agreed.- It's not a big deal.

1:02:09 > 1:02:11All you do is cluck.

1:02:11 > 1:02:13First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, OK?

1:02:13 > 1:02:16And if it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey?

1:02:16 > 1:02:18- You want me to be the turkey?- Yeah.

1:02:18 > 1:02:21- You want me to be the turkey?- Yeah.

1:02:21 > 1:02:22PHONE RINGS

1:02:22 > 1:02:25- 'Tom here.'- Hi.

1:02:25 > 1:02:26- 'Eleanor, is that you?'- Yes.

1:02:26 > 1:02:28'How do you turn the music down?

1:02:28 > 1:02:31'We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing.'

1:02:31 > 1:02:32'Can I pick you up?'

1:02:32 > 1:02:33An outing?

1:02:33 > 1:02:36No, I had something I had to tell you.

1:02:36 > 1:02:39'Good, good. Give me an address.'

1:02:55 > 1:02:57Eleanor! We're going paintballing.

1:02:57 > 1:03:01I brought you some camouflage and thermals because it's going to be cold up there.

1:03:01 > 1:03:03- Follow me, men.- What?- Cold.

1:03:22 > 1:03:25I can't believe it.

1:03:25 > 1:03:28Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

1:03:28 > 1:03:30Are you all right?

1:03:45 > 1:03:48- I'm out.- Thank God.

1:03:48 > 1:03:49I'm out of ammo!

1:03:54 > 1:03:57The president-elect's just been shot. He's dead.

1:03:57 > 1:03:59Let's go round them up.

1:03:59 > 1:04:03What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh? Killing your friends.

1:04:03 > 1:04:07That's all the exercise I'm ever going to need.

1:04:07 > 1:04:11- Did that hurt?- Yeah. Yeah.- I'm sorry.

1:04:13 > 1:04:14Hey.

1:04:14 > 1:04:17Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?

1:04:17 > 1:04:23Sure. We have to walk away from those who have listening devices.

1:04:24 > 1:04:26Do they have listening devices?

1:04:26 > 1:04:29No, they can't hear you. Well, they hear each other, but not us.

1:04:31 > 1:04:33OK. Um...

1:04:33 > 1:04:35Because I haven't been...

1:04:41 > 1:04:44I haven't been forthright with you about certain things.

1:04:44 > 1:04:47Maybe "forthright"... God.

1:04:47 > 1:04:50Forthright isn't the word I'm looking for.

1:04:50 > 1:04:57Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really isn't easy for me, especially now that I know you...

1:04:57 > 1:04:59I mean, OK, I don't know you.

1:04:59 > 1:05:04I mean, I know you... No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs, I know you, but I don't really know you...

1:05:04 > 1:05:07You got a lot of set-up here.

1:05:07 > 1:05:09You don't need that much. It's too much of a lead-in.

1:05:09 > 1:05:12Just the punch line.

1:05:12 > 1:05:14You're going to be President of the United States.

1:05:14 > 1:05:15Yeah.

1:05:20 > 1:05:22Maybe that's not so bad.

1:05:22 > 1:05:24I hope.

1:05:24 > 1:05:26Oh, God. Oh, God.

1:05:26 > 1:05:29I worked at Delacroy and I worked so hard, and I cared.

1:05:29 > 1:05:32I cared so much, and I am so full of guilt.

1:05:32 > 1:05:34I can make this a lot easier for you.

1:05:34 > 1:05:36What do you mean? How?

1:05:36 > 1:05:39Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy.

1:05:39 > 1:05:41- What?- Yeah. Well, you know, I wanted to find you.

1:05:41 > 1:05:44I remember you said you worked at Delacroy.

1:05:44 > 1:05:45I wanted to see you.

1:05:48 > 1:05:49- You did?- Mm-hm.

1:05:51 > 1:05:53- You wanted to see me.- Yeah.

1:05:55 > 1:05:57Wow!

1:05:59 > 1:06:02- God. That's good.- Well, good.

1:06:02 > 1:06:04- Well, good, not so good... - No, it's good.

1:06:04 > 1:06:06Well, he told me about your drug problem and...

1:06:07 > 1:06:10Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem.

1:06:10 > 1:06:12- It's all right... - Tom, I do not have a drug problem.

1:06:12 > 1:06:13It doesn't bother me.

1:06:13 > 1:06:18I hate to interrupt, but the Secret Service wants you outta here by dark.

1:06:18 > 1:06:24By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn.

1:06:24 > 1:06:27I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke.

1:06:27 > 1:06:28We'll talk about it later, honestly.

1:06:28 > 1:06:31- It's OK.- There's no drug problem.

1:06:31 > 1:06:34- That's all I need to know... - There's a lot to discuss here.

1:06:34 > 1:06:35Yeah. I think...

1:06:37 > 1:06:40This just doesn't look clear to me. What do you think?

1:06:40 > 1:06:42- Another 30 minutes?- Yeah, maybe.

1:06:42 > 1:06:44- The wing is... - Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

1:06:44 > 1:06:47We may have a problem here.

1:06:47 > 1:06:48I like it crispy.

1:06:48 > 1:06:51- I like a nice crunchy skin. - I know, Menken. I know you do.

1:06:51 > 1:06:54- Just want to make myself heard. - Uh-huh. You've been heard.

1:06:54 > 1:06:56I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys.

1:06:56 > 1:06:58- I know what I'm talking about. - Yes, you have.

1:06:58 > 1:07:00Look at this old C-SPAN.

1:07:00 > 1:07:02Congress is in session and no-one's there.

1:07:02 > 1:07:06Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a budget bill. Place is empty.

1:07:06 > 1:07:09How do you get people in their seats? It's crazy.

1:07:09 > 1:07:11- These people have things to do. - Like?

1:07:11 > 1:07:13Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with.

1:07:13 > 1:07:16They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on.

1:07:16 > 1:07:20They've got to go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.

1:07:23 > 1:07:25This makes golf look like porn.

1:07:32 > 1:07:34Shouldn't you be giving that up?

1:07:36 > 1:07:43Did you know there were once ads that said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand?

1:07:43 > 1:07:45Come on. You're kidding me.

1:07:45 > 1:07:47Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?

1:07:47 > 1:07:49Said they were good for you.

1:07:49 > 1:07:51There was one slogan before my time.

1:07:51 > 1:07:54"Not a cough in the carload."

1:07:55 > 1:07:58It's a little too late now.

1:07:58 > 1:08:00I'm sorry.

1:08:12 > 1:08:15You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?

1:08:17 > 1:08:19Unfortunately, I do.

1:08:19 > 1:08:20I see that.

1:09:02 > 1:09:07- I have to talk to you in private. - Now?- Yes.- OK.

1:09:30 > 1:09:33You've got a great group.

1:09:33 > 1:09:35Ellie, whatever your problem is...

1:09:35 > 1:09:37What? You can fix my problem?

1:09:37 > 1:09:39Is this

1:09:39 > 1:09:43the president-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?

1:09:43 > 1:09:45- Just Tom Dobbs.- Good.

1:09:45 > 1:09:48Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President of the United States.

1:09:48 > 1:09:50There. I've said it. Kill me.

1:09:58 > 1:10:00It's true.

1:10:00 > 1:10:06There was a problem with the computer voting system. I tried to warn them.

1:10:06 > 1:10:09It's that error that's made you the next President of the United States.

1:10:09 > 1:10:11I didn't win?

1:10:11 > 1:10:15- Not even close.- Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do?

1:10:15 > 1:10:19I don't know. I had to say it. I've been living with this. I just had to tell you.

1:10:19 > 1:10:21- Do you want to go public with this? - I can't.

1:10:21 > 1:10:23I could, but nobody would believe me. Not any more.

1:10:23 > 1:10:25But somebody has to know. Somebody.

1:10:25 > 1:10:28At least you. I mean, I don't know.

1:10:28 > 1:10:29Look, I don't know.

1:10:29 > 1:10:34Maybe it is best that you're the next President of the United States, even if they didn't vote for you.

1:10:36 > 1:10:41Out of curiosity, did you vote for me?

1:10:41 > 1:10:43No. I don't vote.

1:10:43 > 1:10:45To be honest with you, I don't vote.

1:10:45 > 1:10:47Politicians will say anything in the world to get elected.

1:10:47 > 1:10:51Maybe I'm too jaded. Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.

1:10:51 > 1:10:54I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote.

1:10:55 > 1:10:58I'm going to talk this over with Menken.

1:10:58 > 1:11:01- Come on, I want you with me. Come with me.- No, I can't!

1:11:01 > 1:11:04- Why not?- Tom, I can't!- Why?

1:11:04 > 1:11:07I had to tell you. You do with it what you want.

1:11:13 > 1:11:15Happy Thanksgiving.

1:11:19 > 1:11:21Happy Thanksgiving.

1:11:37 > 1:11:39Something wrong?

1:11:42 > 1:11:43You guys have a fight?

1:11:45 > 1:11:48She knows a lot about computers.

1:11:48 > 1:11:50More than you ever want to know, really.

1:11:50 > 1:11:51Should I be impressed?

1:11:53 > 1:11:56It's kind of improbable, me winning the election.

1:11:56 > 1:11:59Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between

1:11:59 > 1:12:03reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."

1:12:03 > 1:12:06We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.

1:12:06 > 1:12:10- She just told me I didn't win the election.- Whoops.

1:12:10 > 1:12:11Computer malfunction.

1:12:13 > 1:12:15She knows this? For sure?

1:12:15 > 1:12:17Yeah.

1:12:17 > 1:12:20She tried to warn the Delacroy Company and they hid it.

1:12:20 > 1:12:22- Bad for business. - You don't believe her, do you?

1:12:22 > 1:12:24I do. It's true.

1:12:24 > 1:12:28I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this?

1:12:28 > 1:12:31It's hard to believe that many people watched JAG.

1:12:31 > 1:12:34I never met anybody who'd say, "Hey, did you see JAG last night?"

1:12:34 > 1:12:39- Don't believe her so quickly, Tom. - She knows what she's talking about.

1:12:39 > 1:12:41That's debatable.

1:12:41 > 1:12:45So...what's she going do?

1:12:45 > 1:12:48- Nothing. She left it up to me. - Leaving it to you.

1:12:48 > 1:12:55Well, Delacroy's not going to say anything, and she's not going to say anything, so...there's no problem.

1:12:55 > 1:12:57No problem?

1:12:57 > 1:13:00- We move on. - Oh, like nothing happened? - Something like that.

1:13:00 > 1:13:05If you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it, the joke still stinks.

1:13:07 > 1:13:09I'm President, but not really.

1:13:09 > 1:13:10This is where we are.

1:13:10 > 1:13:14You want to throw it away or go for it?

1:13:14 > 1:13:21I never told you which gigs to take, I only advised, but to me, this decision is a slam dunk.

1:13:23 > 1:13:26Yeah.

1:13:34 > 1:13:36PHONE RINGS

1:13:39 > 1:13:45- Tom?- Eleanor, tomorrow at 11 o'clock I'm going to have a press conference

1:13:45 > 1:13:50and tell the American people that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.

1:13:50 > 1:13:52I'm so sorry.

1:13:52 > 1:13:55I'll call you tomorrow, OK?

1:14:10 > 1:14:12Danny, I told him.

1:14:12 > 1:14:15Why did you tell him?

1:14:15 > 1:14:18I had to. And now I hate myself.

1:14:18 > 1:14:22- Does he believe you? - He's calling a press conference at 11 o'clock tomorrow morning.

1:14:22 > 1:14:25- He's going to make the whole thing known.- Oh, shit. Look what you did.

1:14:25 > 1:14:28I wish I hadn't told him.

1:14:28 > 1:14:31I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing.

1:14:31 > 1:14:34It was the right thing to do. And yet,

1:14:34 > 1:14:39and yet... maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be?

1:14:39 > 1:14:43I mean, did I do the right thing or did I do the wrong thing?

1:14:43 > 1:14:48I know it's the right thing to do, and then why do I feel like this?

1:14:51 > 1:14:55We've got to pre-empt his press conference.

1:14:58 > 1:15:01And very early tomorrow morning.

1:15:33 > 1:15:37- Press conference set up? - Uh, yeah. What the hell's going on?

1:15:39 > 1:15:42OK.

1:15:42 > 1:15:44Jack? Jack?

1:15:44 > 1:15:47Got a reporter, says Delacroy's going to make a major announcement.

1:15:47 > 1:15:50Some big story, something to do with Eleanor Green.

1:15:50 > 1:15:52This is what we got going on today.

1:15:52 > 1:15:56They're called the Witches of November with a storm pushing in from the Great Lakes.

1:15:56 > 1:15:59That's going to spread in one to three inches of snow across the DC area.

1:15:59 > 1:16:02I don't think there's any more than that, not a lot of moisture here.

1:16:02 > 1:16:05It's a pretty closed-up system, and it's going to move up quickly...

1:16:05 > 1:16:07DRAMATIC MUSIC

1:16:07 > 1:16:10We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news.

1:16:10 > 1:16:15We have some dirty laundry that needs to be addressed.

1:16:15 > 1:16:20Recently Delacroy had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,

1:16:20 > 1:16:23who was suffering severe psychological problems.

1:16:23 > 1:16:27We made an effort to get her medical help, and subsequently discovered

1:16:27 > 1:16:31that she was heavily involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.

1:16:31 > 1:16:34We would have kept this information private, but additional facts concerning

1:16:34 > 1:16:36Miss Green have come to light.

1:16:36 > 1:16:41We have evidence that Miss Green manipulated the prototype of our computer voting system.

1:16:42 > 1:16:45- Tom here.- Turn on the television.

1:16:45 > 1:16:47- What channel?- Any channel.

1:16:51 > 1:16:56Her motives aren't quite clear to us, apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs,

1:16:56 > 1:17:01to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt the computer system to get him elected.

1:17:04 > 1:17:07We also know that the President-Elect has been seen

1:17:07 > 1:17:10in her presence recently, but let me make this very clear, we're not

1:17:10 > 1:17:15- suggesting any impropriety on behalf of the President-Elect, apart from he knows this woman.- Pull over.

1:17:15 > 1:17:18We're a family at Delacroy.

1:17:18 > 1:17:20We have an extensive healthcare programme.

1:17:20 > 1:17:25Lots of people have psychological problems, mental problems, health problems of one kind or another.

1:17:25 > 1:17:31It's not something you should sweep under the rug, you gotta talk about it. We believe that strongly,

1:17:31 > 1:17:34and we make our best effort to find out about it as soon as possible and give help.

1:17:34 > 1:17:38The good news is, all the computer voting systems installed in polling

1:17:38 > 1:17:40stations throughout the US remained secure.

1:17:40 > 1:17:45Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election and our safeguards

1:17:45 > 1:17:46proved to be impenetrable.

1:17:46 > 1:17:49And that's all the information that we have at this time.

1:17:49 > 1:17:52I'll take any questions now, if you got them. Yes?

1:17:52 > 1:17:54Take a look at this. Take a look at this.

1:17:54 > 1:17:56Perfect, just perfect.

1:17:56 > 1:17:58She's a piece of work, huh?

1:17:58 > 1:18:01Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs.

1:18:01 > 1:18:06Clearly a mental case. Hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.

1:18:06 > 1:18:08I believe her.

1:18:08 > 1:18:10She didn't seem that crazy to me.

1:18:10 > 1:18:14You're in love with her. She could tell you Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'd believe her.

1:18:14 > 1:18:17Take a look at this.

1:18:17 > 1:18:20If what she says is true, I'm really not the President-Elect.

1:18:20 > 1:18:23"If" is becoming a very large word.

1:18:23 > 1:18:27Did you forget the first time we met her, she said she was working for the FBI?

1:18:27 > 1:18:31She said she knew about the computer fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you.

1:18:31 > 1:18:34"By the way, you're not the President. Happy Thanksgiving".

1:18:34 > 1:18:38If she's not psychotic she's a stalker, and if she's not a stalker, she's a CIA operative.

1:18:38 > 1:18:41- Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus.- What's that?

1:18:41 > 1:18:44A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men.

1:18:44 > 1:18:46I was once a healthy man.

1:18:46 > 1:18:50What are you talking about? Please, please stop.

1:18:50 > 1:18:52Don't get off-track.

1:19:17 > 1:19:18Can I get change for this, please?

1:19:18 > 1:19:21My dollar won't work in your machine.

1:19:21 > 1:19:24You're that Miss Green from the television.

1:19:24 > 1:19:27I wasn't sure, because you always pay cash.

1:19:27 > 1:19:29Did your uncle get ahold of you?

1:19:29 > 1:19:31- What?- Your uncle.

1:19:31 > 1:19:34He was trying to call your room. He said he couldn't get through.

1:19:34 > 1:19:37By the way, that machine doesn't work.

1:20:09 > 1:20:12Yes, sir.

1:20:12 > 1:20:15Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.

1:20:15 > 1:20:18I think she may have figured out the glitch.

1:20:30 > 1:20:32Bring it back, bring her back.

1:20:32 > 1:20:34- I want constant updates.- Yes, sir.

1:20:34 > 1:20:35When I find her, I know what to do.

1:20:37 > 1:20:43Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes with that to the press, we're royally screwed.

1:20:43 > 1:20:45Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

1:20:45 > 1:20:50Mr President, we have that luncheon speech followed by a White House meet and greet.

1:20:51 > 1:20:54- What do I do?- Go be presidential.

1:21:10 > 1:21:15Will your speech today give us any insight into the Eleanor Green situation?

1:21:15 > 1:21:18Jack, I've been trying to call her but I can't reach her.

1:21:18 > 1:21:21You have a busy schedule. Keep your head in that. Period.

1:21:21 > 1:21:22Uh huh. That's terrific.

1:21:22 > 1:21:26Saturday Night Live wants you, weekend update, what do you think?

1:21:26 > 1:21:28- Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"? - Yeah.- Do it.

1:21:28 > 1:21:30- Why? - Because it's a great opportunity.

1:21:30 > 1:21:33Say how you were blinded by love, you didn't know she was secretly popping pills.

1:21:33 > 1:21:38It isn't like you were in some side street getting head like, uh, Hugh whatshisname.

1:21:38 > 1:21:40You're so sensitive. OK.

1:21:40 > 1:21:43- I'll do it.- Yep, he'll do it.

1:21:43 > 1:21:45I'll call you later for details.

1:21:45 > 1:21:47It's hard to believe it's been a year since we've

1:21:47 > 1:21:52gathered together, but nonetheless we are very pleased to have a most honoured guest with us.

1:21:52 > 1:21:54I wrote down some lines for you.

1:21:54 > 1:21:56They're fantastic, if I must say so.

1:21:56 > 1:21:57I even threw in an old Hitler joke.

1:21:57 > 1:22:00- How's that supposed to work? - You'll see.

1:22:00 > 1:22:02Tom Dobbs!

1:22:02 > 1:22:04Knock 'em dead.

1:22:13 > 1:22:15Thank you very much.

1:22:15 > 1:22:20I guess we should get this over with at the beginning, because

1:22:20 > 1:22:24you've all heard there's a little bit of a rumour going around right now.

1:22:24 > 1:22:26So I'll share the big scoop with you.

1:22:26 > 1:22:28because Oprah was booked.

1:22:28 > 1:22:34I'm not even President of the United States yet, and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman.

1:22:37 > 1:22:40I did not have sex with that woman.

1:22:40 > 1:22:42I wanted to.

1:22:42 > 1:22:44I'm single.

1:22:44 > 1:22:49And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is probably

1:22:49 > 1:22:51the unluckiest man in the world in that area.

1:22:51 > 1:22:56In high school, most of my dates were with myself.

1:22:56 > 1:23:02I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home, put on music that I liked,

1:23:02 > 1:23:05have my way with myself and then go,

1:23:05 > 1:23:07"Should I drive myself home now?"

1:23:09 > 1:23:13Pretty much the bottom line. I guess If I was in Italy I might get lucky.

1:23:13 > 1:23:16They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.

1:23:16 > 1:23:22Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there, just great posters and incredible downloads.

1:23:23 > 1:23:28I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy, we can have a certain sense of humour about ourselves.

1:23:28 > 1:23:32We have to. You're allowed to make fun of those in power.

1:23:32 > 1:23:34But even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy.

1:23:34 > 1:23:38These two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler. They waited in an alleyway.

1:23:38 > 1:23:41They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30. They have guns, bombs, knives.

1:23:41 > 1:23:4312:30, no Hitler.

1:23:43 > 1:23:4512:45, no Hitler.

1:23:45 > 1:23:47One o'clock, no Hitler.

1:23:47 > 1:23:52Finally one turns to the other and goes, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."

1:23:52 > 1:23:53LAUGHTER

1:23:53 > 1:23:57It's good to see us back again. The fact that we can laugh is wonderful.

1:23:57 > 1:23:59The last few years we've been divided, though.

1:23:59 > 1:24:02Red states, blue states.

1:24:02 > 1:24:07There are no red and blue states, there's only the United States of America. That's what we're about.

1:24:07 > 1:24:12That's why I say you can't spend 200 million on a campaign and not be owing people something.

1:24:12 > 1:24:16The next thing you know, they have to deal with the special interests,

1:24:16 > 1:24:20they're doing special favours for special people and not dealing with what you need.

1:24:20 > 1:24:22Education, healthcare, environmental issues.

1:24:22 > 1:24:29They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies, and they owe them.

1:24:29 > 1:24:33And in the process, people get neglected.

1:24:33 > 1:24:37The poor have no advocate, because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.

1:24:37 > 1:24:40The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor,"

1:24:40 > 1:24:43not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed".

1:24:46 > 1:24:48I worked out your bit with SNL.

1:24:48 > 1:24:51- They really liked it.- Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet?

1:24:51 > 1:24:54- No.- She hasn't called me either. - Well, you never know with females.

1:24:54 > 1:24:59- I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillisers to put a small flock of sheep to sleep.- Why?

1:24:59 > 1:25:02She said it made the sex with me more bearable.

1:25:02 > 1:25:04- Eleanor didn't do drugs.- Oh, no.

1:25:04 > 1:25:08And ball players don't do steroids, they just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.

1:25:08 > 1:25:11- Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee.- With little, tiny balls.

1:25:11 > 1:25:14Remember, this is a meet and greet, nothing more.

1:25:14 > 1:25:17Oh, the house is so close to the street.

1:25:18 > 1:25:21Whoa, boy, that's a desk.

1:25:21 > 1:25:23I mean... wow.

1:25:23 > 1:25:29I, uh, I never really sat behind a desk before. I mean, the one on the show is just a prop. This...

1:25:29 > 1:25:31Where do you do your writing?

1:25:31 > 1:25:34Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar or restaurant.

1:25:34 > 1:25:37Well, there's a lot of history to this desk.

1:25:37 > 1:25:41The first time I sat behind it, I had a sort of nervous chill.

1:25:41 > 1:25:45Some of the greats and not-so-greats have sat here.

1:25:45 > 1:25:47Please.

1:25:47 > 1:25:49Thank you.

1:25:56 > 1:25:59Excuse me, Mr President. Hello?

1:25:59 > 1:26:02- Tom? Tom?- Eleanor? Hold on.

1:26:02 > 1:26:05Mr President, I'll just be a minute. Thank you.

1:26:05 > 1:26:09Tom, t-t-two guys broke into my hotel room. I don't know what to do.

1:26:09 > 1:26:12- Who? Who are they? - They're connected with Delacroy.

1:26:12 > 1:26:15- I think they, they know I broke the code.- Code? What code?

1:26:15 > 1:26:19- I figured out what caused the computer glitch.- Where are you now?

1:26:19 > 1:26:21- I'm in a shopping mall.- Shopping?

1:26:21 > 1:26:23- No, I'm not shopping. - Well, why are you there?

1:26:23 > 1:26:26I just didn't know what to do. I thought this was safer.

1:26:26 > 1:26:29Mr President-Elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.

1:26:29 > 1:26:31Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the President.

1:26:31 > 1:26:35- What?- I'm with the President of the United States in the Oval Office.

1:26:35 > 1:26:37You're with the President?

1:26:37 > 1:26:39You're in the Oval Office?

1:26:39 > 1:26:42Look, Tom, I just don't know what to do...

1:26:42 > 1:26:44Hello?

1:26:44 > 1:26:46Tom? Hello? Hello?

1:26:46 > 1:26:48Hel...?

1:26:50 > 1:26:51Sorry, sir.

1:26:58 > 1:26:59Wow.

1:26:59 > 1:27:01It's been a pleasure, Mr President.

1:27:01 > 1:27:06- Thank you.- By the way, Mr Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance.

1:27:06 > 1:27:08I underestimated you.

1:27:08 > 1:27:12Well, just between you and me, Mr President, you didn't underestimate me at all.

1:27:20 > 1:27:22Really? Why?

1:27:22 > 1:27:24Oh, but that's so weird.

1:27:24 > 1:27:26I never said anything to him.

1:27:26 > 1:27:29No, he said stuff to me. Oh, like, what am I going to say back?

1:27:29 > 1:27:32But seri... Hold on a sec.

1:27:32 > 1:27:34Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

1:27:34 > 1:27:38I need a charger for this cellphone, something I can plug into my cigarette lighter.

1:27:38 > 1:27:40We don't stock the charger for that any more.

1:27:40 > 1:27:42- How long have you had that phone? - Well, it's

1:27:42 > 1:27:44not like it's a relic. It's a year old.

1:27:44 > 1:27:47Well, there is a problem, it's a year old.

1:27:53 > 1:27:56Mr Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy.

1:27:56 > 1:27:59- Why does he want to see me?- He just wants to sit down and talk to you.

1:27:59 > 1:28:01Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.

1:28:01 > 1:28:05You figured out the computer glitch and you should be paid for your work.

1:28:05 > 1:28:08The Delacroy jet is waiting at the private terminal. I got her.

1:28:18 > 1:28:20Get in.

1:28:20 > 1:28:21Get in.

1:28:34 > 1:28:36Shit!

1:28:41 > 1:28:44Yeah.

1:28:44 > 1:28:48I'm tracking her on her GPS. Uh-huh.

1:28:48 > 1:28:53Yes, first opportunity I get, I'll pick her up, bring her to the airport.

1:28:53 > 1:28:54Uh-huh.

1:28:56 > 1:29:00I just got off the phone with the FBI, they'll confirm that you had no

1:29:00 > 1:29:02contact with Eleanor Green prior to the election.

1:29:02 > 1:29:06That gets you off the hook in terms of being involved in any attempt to fix the election.

1:29:06 > 1:29:09Sir, we've got to get you to the airport a little earlier.

1:29:09 > 1:29:10There's a storm front is moving in.

1:29:23 > 1:29:26Oh, for God's sake.

1:29:47 > 1:29:53- Well, after Saturday Night Live tonight, then I'm going to be heading on.- Why so soon?

1:29:53 > 1:29:56Well, Menken thinks it's for the best.

1:29:56 > 1:29:57No sense postponing the inevitable.

1:29:57 > 1:30:00Will you be disappointed to go back to television after this ride?

1:30:00 > 1:30:03Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.

1:30:03 > 1:30:05- How so?- TV scares me.

1:30:05 > 1:30:08- It makes everything seem credible. - Why is that so bad?

1:30:08 > 1:30:12Well, if everything seems credible, then nothing seems credible.

1:30:12 > 1:30:15You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side by side.

1:30:15 > 1:30:20On one side, there's the certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened.

1:30:20 > 1:30:25And next to him is this noted, honoured historian who knows all about the Holocaust.

1:30:25 > 1:30:28And now there they sit, side by side.

1:30:28 > 1:30:31They look like equals. Everything they say seems to be credible.

1:30:31 > 1:30:35And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible any more.

1:30:35 > 1:30:37We just stop listening.

1:30:37 > 1:30:41In the Times today, 60% of the voters would've voted for Dobbs if they could have.

1:30:41 > 1:30:43Well, yeah. He sounds different.

1:30:43 > 1:30:45That's why they can hear him.

1:31:11 > 1:31:14- Hello?- My cellphone died and some guy is after me.

1:31:14 > 1:31:16I thought two guys were after you.

1:31:16 > 1:31:18- No, this is someone else.- Who?

1:31:18 > 1:31:21I assume that he's from Delacroy. He has a pickup truck.

1:31:21 > 1:31:24Eleanor, I think you need help.

1:31:24 > 1:31:26He tried to abduct me from the mall!

1:31:26 > 1:31:28In the mall. OK.

1:31:28 > 1:31:32Look, I think it has to do with the fact that I figured everything out.

1:31:34 > 1:31:37She's in a phone booth off Route 173.

1:31:37 > 1:31:41You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double L's, but

1:31:41 > 1:31:44Kellogg trumps him with double G's and you trump him with double B's.

1:31:44 > 1:31:48I don't know what that means, Eleanor. Listen, where are you?

1:31:48 > 1:31:50I don't know. I don't know where I am.

1:31:50 > 1:31:52It's dark, there's a factory.

1:31:52 > 1:31:56I see a Christmas tree. I don't know, I don't know where I am.

1:31:56 > 1:31:57What do you want me to do now, sir?

1:31:57 > 1:31:59I'm willing to offer her big money.

1:31:59 > 1:32:02Big money. She's running away now?

1:32:02 > 1:32:04Why is she running away? She's impossible.

1:32:04 > 1:32:07I don't know who she's talking to, I don't know what she's saying.

1:32:07 > 1:32:10All right, go to the airport.

1:32:10 > 1:32:14You go to BWI private terminal. There's a plane there.

1:32:14 > 1:32:18We'll get on that plane, I'll take you to New York and we'll solve your problem. OK?

1:32:18 > 1:32:22Private terminal at the airport? I don't know how to get to the airport.

1:32:22 > 1:32:24All right, I'll try, I'll try and get there.

1:32:24 > 1:32:25I'll look in my GPS or something.

1:32:31 > 1:32:32Hello? Eleanor?

1:32:36 > 1:32:40More on that breaking news now. We do know there has been a very serious traffic accident.

1:32:40 > 1:32:43It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway

1:32:43 > 1:32:47just where it meets Route 495, and that is the Capital Beltway.

1:32:47 > 1:32:49And there has been one serious injury.

1:32:49 > 1:32:51We have been talking to police.

1:32:51 > 1:32:54They have identified the injured woman as an Eleanor Green.

1:32:54 > 1:32:58- Oh, my God.- And yes, if that name sounds familiar to you, it is the same Eleanor Green...

1:32:58 > 1:33:03- Menken! You have to see this! - ..who has been seen in the company lately of President-Elect Tom Dodd.

1:33:03 > 1:33:06Sir, we just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.

1:33:23 > 1:33:25Not now, please. Excuse me.

1:33:27 > 1:33:30- Are you with the ambulance? - Yes, sir.- Eleanor Green?

1:33:30 > 1:33:33- She's in a stable condition, sir. - Thank you.

1:33:38 > 1:33:41Oh, shit. Why does he have to get himself into this mess?

1:33:52 > 1:33:55Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburgh.

1:33:55 > 1:33:59Apparently he lost control on the ice, went right off the road.

1:34:03 > 1:34:06Tom, we've got to get to Saturday Night Live.

1:34:06 > 1:34:08There's time.

1:34:19 > 1:34:25Double B, double L, double G, double D,

1:34:25 > 1:34:28double L, double G, double me.

1:34:30 > 1:34:32Double L,

1:34:32 > 1:34:38double G... Double L,

1:34:38 > 1:34:40double G...

1:34:47 > 1:34:49They're trying to discredit her.

1:34:49 > 1:34:52She's not psychotic, OK?

1:34:52 > 1:34:55I believe her, for Christ's sake. Look what they did.

1:34:55 > 1:34:57Last night you were willing to give it all up.

1:34:57 > 1:34:59- Now you want to do it again. - Listen to me...

1:34:59 > 1:35:01Police said a truck went out of control.

1:35:01 > 1:35:04I'm trying to tell you that she was trying to tell me something.

1:35:04 > 1:35:07- It was snowing.- She said she knew what the computer glitch was.

1:35:07 > 1:35:10And the way she is right now, it'll be a couple of days before we can find out.

1:35:10 > 1:35:14Where's the proof? Some proof? Give me something to justify what she's saying.

1:35:14 > 1:35:16We don't have time to keep playing this game.

1:35:16 > 1:35:19She was trying to explain it. But it didn't make any sense.

1:35:19 > 1:35:23She kept saying, "Double B, double G, double L." It's like a code but I don't know what it means.

1:35:23 > 1:35:26Whatever happened, we're never going to know for sure.

1:35:26 > 1:35:30Only one thing remains true. You're the President.

1:35:30 > 1:35:34You're either getting on that plane or not.

1:35:34 > 1:35:39Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours.

1:35:39 > 1:35:42Nothing can change that. No-one can.

1:35:42 > 1:35:43Except you.

1:35:51 > 1:35:54You coming?

1:36:25 > 1:36:33From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it's Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

1:36:33 > 1:36:36- Hi. I'm Amy Poehler.- I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories.

1:36:36 > 1:36:42A Malaysian man, famous for pulling planes and buses with his hair, died this week of heart complications.

1:36:42 > 1:36:47Tragically, he would still be alive but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance.

1:36:51 > 1:36:55Hey, I just went through the cue cards, and I'm telling you, you're going to kill.

1:36:55 > 1:36:58It's going to work like a charm. Don't worry about a thing.

1:36:58 > 1:37:03You do a couple of those Eleanor Green jokes and we get this stuff way, way behind you, all right?

1:37:03 > 1:37:06- All right. - You can go on and be President.

1:37:10 > 1:37:13Forensic scientists say they have recreated George Washington as he

1:37:13 > 1:37:20looked at age 19, while Tom Dobbs has recreated how Thomas Jefferson would've looked if he were crazy.

1:37:31 > 1:37:37..when the source was finally identified, Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.

1:37:37 > 1:37:40A report suggests that more species of birds mate for life

1:37:40 > 1:37:44than previously believed, while other species only mate for votes.

1:37:44 > 1:37:49This week, Tom Dobbs met with his presidential transition team, who

1:37:49 > 1:37:51briefed him on the day to day activities of the Oval Office.

1:37:51 > 1:37:55However, Dobbs became upset when he learned that Monday would no longer be re-runs.

1:37:55 > 1:38:00- I heard that!- Uh-oh, who said that?

1:38:00 > 1:38:04- Do we have a special guest?- Hello.

1:38:05 > 1:38:08Welcome.

1:38:14 > 1:38:19President-elect Tom Dobbs.

1:38:19 > 1:38:23Just in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by. I always wanted to say that. Sounds like Bob Hope.

1:38:23 > 1:38:25"Thought I'd drop by."

1:38:25 > 1:38:26Thank you so much for coming.

1:38:26 > 1:38:29- Sit down, make yourself comfortable. - Lovely. Thank you.

1:38:29 > 1:38:34Now, listen, we all saw you in Congress in that outfit the other day. That was quite flattering.

1:38:34 > 1:38:38Those wigs, it's kind of nice. I love the buckled shoe, though.

1:38:38 > 1:38:41It's part pimp, part pilgrim.

1:38:41 > 1:38:44You can either get off the "Mayflower" or have four girls in a Cadillac.

1:38:46 > 1:38:51- They love him. - Yeah, it's working like a charm.- I'm thinking, and this is just out loud,

1:38:51 > 1:38:55that I should go with the Manolo Blanco, just to give you that little.

1:38:55 > 1:38:57- To lift your ass.- Lift the ass!

1:38:57 > 1:39:01Next time I want to go stilettos, something crazy.

1:39:01 > 1:39:05Now, I'm pleased that the FBI cleared up any suspicion that

1:39:05 > 1:39:08- you knew Eleanor Green before the election.- Not at all, no.

1:39:08 > 1:39:12Good. So I guess that absolves you of any conspiratorial thing that you fixed the election.

1:39:12 > 1:39:15So what do you make of this woman's obsession with you?

1:39:15 > 1:39:17Well, Tina, I have just one question for you.

1:39:17 > 1:39:20Is this a face that a woman would be obsessed with?

1:39:20 > 1:39:24- Well...- By your pause, I understand.

1:39:24 > 1:39:28Because I think a woman can be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt. Hello!

1:39:28 > 1:39:32And you could say Angelina, I could be obsessed with Angelina.

1:39:32 > 1:39:35I just want to wet her lips and just stick her to something.

1:39:35 > 1:39:39And also you could say obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars, you know, like women rushing the

1:39:39 > 1:39:45stage, fainting, if it's for Elvis, for the Beatles, for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby!"

1:39:45 > 1:39:48But women don't rush the stage for comedians.

1:39:48 > 1:39:50If they throw their panties

1:39:50 > 1:39:55on stage for me, it's because they want them fluffed and folded and back by Friday.

1:39:58 > 1:40:01I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once...cos I thought

1:40:01 > 1:40:02she needed a pair.

1:40:03 > 1:40:09God bless. I thought you were going to say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.

1:40:11 > 1:40:14- That's a good re-write! - Good night, good luck!

1:40:14 > 1:40:16That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.

1:40:16 > 1:40:20But, I mean, for me, here's the basic thing.

1:40:20 > 1:40:24How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election because she's obsessed with me?

1:40:24 > 1:40:28I mean, where's the hanging chad? Where's the governor of the state being your brother?

1:40:28 > 1:40:33Where's the Supreme Court ruling against the voter? Come on, where's the conspiracy in that?

1:40:33 > 1:40:35None, really. And here's the real question you have to ask.

1:40:35 > 1:40:39It's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?

1:40:44 > 1:40:46What is the real answer?

1:40:46 > 1:40:48Thank you for picking that one up.

1:40:48 > 1:40:51Where's he going with this?

1:40:51 > 1:40:55The bottom line is Eleanor Green came to me and told me

1:40:55 > 1:40:59that there was a computer glitch in the Delacroy computer voting system.

1:40:59 > 1:41:03She warned the chief executive of Delacroy, James Hemmings, but they

1:41:03 > 1:41:05decided to cover it up for economic reasons.

1:41:05 > 1:41:09It's not good for the stock offering, really.

1:41:09 > 1:41:14The truth is, I'm not the elected President of the United States.

1:41:15 > 1:41:17Bottom line is it was a computer error.

1:41:17 > 1:41:21Not fraud, but a faulty program.

1:41:21 > 1:41:22HAL decided it liked me.

1:41:25 > 1:41:29Today I was in the Oval Office on a preparatory meeting

1:41:29 > 1:41:33and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check.

1:41:33 > 1:41:34It kind of overwhelmed me.

1:41:34 > 1:41:36I sat there and went, "Wait a minute. I'm a jester."

1:41:36 > 1:41:39A jester doesn't rule the kingdom, he makes fun of the king.

1:41:39 > 1:41:45And for a brief moment, I thought, you know, "I could be the President of the United States."

1:41:45 > 1:41:49I thought I was President of the United States till Eleanor talked to me.

1:41:53 > 1:41:58It's, uh... I know we're not on book any more and the cue-card guy is going...

1:41:58 > 1:42:01We just usually do fake news and jokes.

1:42:01 > 1:42:07We don't usually have real news and...non-jokes.

1:42:07 > 1:42:10So watch out, Oprah.

1:42:10 > 1:42:13Cos we're going to go real, girl.

1:42:13 > 1:42:18But here's the deal. A lot of you voted for me, or at least some of you.

1:42:18 > 1:42:19Yeah, thank you.

1:42:21 > 1:42:25And I know you voted for me because you were fed up with the status quo.

1:42:25 > 1:42:28But you were voting for change, for the sake of change.

1:42:28 > 1:42:31Listen, you could vote for someone better than me.

1:42:31 > 1:42:35You can do a lot better than me. You can do better than most of the politicians you've elected recently,

1:42:35 > 1:42:42and definitely, don't put your faith in a machine that has less controls than a Vegas slot machine.

1:42:42 > 1:42:44So you don't want to be a part of the re-election?

1:42:44 > 1:42:46Oh, no. Please, no,

1:42:46 > 1:42:48that's not a stage I belong on.

1:42:48 > 1:42:52This is where I belong, with folks like you, finding the funk in dysfunctional.

1:42:52 > 1:42:56Mark Twain said irreverence is basically the champion of liberty, if not its only defender.

1:42:56 > 1:42:58That's why we're there. We're there to

1:42:58 > 1:43:01shake it up, and that's what we've got to do.

1:43:01 > 1:43:05How many of you think the educational system is working?

1:43:05 > 1:43:07- Whoo-hoo!- One girl. Thank you.

1:43:07 > 1:43:11"I learnt to read."

1:43:11 > 1:43:18Do you realize that 40% of American high-school graduates think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?

1:43:18 > 1:43:22So Tom Dobbs walked away from being the President of the United States.

1:43:22 > 1:43:24OK, so he wasn't really elected, but

1:43:24 > 1:43:27if he hadn't told anyone...

1:43:27 > 1:43:29We're going to send some shout out right now!

1:43:29 > 1:43:32Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs went back to his political comedy show.

1:43:32 > 1:43:35I'm going to get on the desk like Tom Cruise going, "I love her!"

1:43:35 > 1:43:37He was bigger than ever.

1:43:44 > 1:43:50Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are, how straightforward.

1:43:50 > 1:43:54I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.

1:43:54 > 1:43:57I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Cropsuckers."

1:43:57 > 1:44:00- Is that offensive?- Not for me.

1:44:05 > 1:44:10- Nothing but the best!- Yeah?

1:44:26 > 1:44:30- Hey.- Hi.- Like some company?

1:44:32 > 1:44:34I left the night-light on.

1:44:36 > 1:44:40Eleanor became his producer and close companion,

1:44:40 > 1:44:42lover, later his wife.

1:44:42 > 1:44:46The two Delacroy executives were arrested and later convicted because

1:44:46 > 1:44:50Eleanor's theories on the computer glitch proved to be correct.

1:44:51 > 1:44:57For those of you who are actually thinking of getting breast implants, there's something new I want you

1:44:57 > 1:44:59to try. A lot of people, they get the large ones. Those are lovely.

1:44:59 > 1:45:02Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeak toy.

1:45:02 > 1:45:06I think that's about the same. We're pretty easily amused.

1:45:07 > 1:45:09You realize that's what it is for us. We're like cats.

1:45:12 > 1:45:14Also, remember the best birth control, ladies.

1:45:14 > 1:45:18The best birth control and the cheapest is simply this.

1:45:18 > 1:45:23As for President Kellogg, he won against Mills in re-election,

1:45:23 > 1:45:27and in his second term was better than any of us would have expected.

1:45:27 > 1:45:28Not great, but better.

1:45:28 > 1:45:32Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it. Who knows?

1:45:32 > 1:45:35But I like to think that

1:45:35 > 1:45:36one thing does lead to another.

1:45:36 > 1:45:39I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen.

1:45:39 > 1:45:44It's an old phrase, basically anonymous, but politicians are a lot like diapers.

1:45:44 > 1:45:47They should be changed frequently and for the same reason.

1:45:47 > 1:45:50Keep that in mind next time you vote. Good night.

1:46:35 > 1:46:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:46:38 > 1:46:41E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk