0:00:02 > 0:00:12This film contains some strong language.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18MUSIC: "Have Fun, Go Mad" by Blair
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Aw, aw
0:00:20 > 0:00:25# All aboard that funk boat that I'm about to start sailing now
0:00:25 > 0:00:26# All you riggers and all you body shakers
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Everybody's in the funky blow-out
0:00:29 > 0:00:31# You know I set sail
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# From just around the corner from the Portobello Road
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# Downtown, W10 in my place,
0:00:36 > 0:00:37# Baby, baby, do what you done
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# Till I got bottles of beer and a deck or two
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# On the melt till the morning comes and I said
0:00:44 > 0:00:49# Have fun, go mad
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# Do what I say
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# Have fun, go mad
0:00:49 > 0:00:53# Have fun, go mad
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Come on!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# Have fun, livin' in the city
0:00:53 > 0:00:58# Have fun, go mad
0:00:54 > 0:00:58# Do what I say
0:00:55 > 0:00:58# Have fun, go mad
0:00:58 > 0:00:59# Have fun, go mad
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# Said come on
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Have fun, livin' in the city
0:01:11 > 0:01:13# Ha-ha-ha!
0:01:22 > 0:01:26# Have fun, go mad
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I like it!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Have fun, go mad
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# Have fun, go mad
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# Have fun, livin' in the city
0:01:31 > 0:01:36# Have fun, go mad
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# Do what I say
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# Have fun, go mad
0:01:36 > 0:01:37- # Do what I do - # Have fun, go mad
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Have fun... #
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Shit, shit. Shit, shit.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Oh, shit!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"Hello, Helen, I'd almost forgotten you work here."
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Sorry, but I swear I was up all night
0:01:53 > 0:01:55toying with ideas for the fashion show
0:01:55 > 0:01:58and I've really hit on something. You see...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02What?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I took four bottles of vodka on Friday for my birthday.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I was having a party, so I borrowed some.
0:02:12 > 0:02:18I bought some more to replace it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18No use to me when I had nothing to offer the executives.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Could have told them you'd run out. It's popular stuff.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Bullshit, bullshit. We're in PR. That's what we do, isn't it?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34No.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So, I'm out, am I?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Well, this is just perfect.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50You've wanted me out for ages, now you've done it. Very well done.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55For theft. Pretty foolproof.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58OK, I'll go. I'll go!
0:02:58 > 0:03:04With all this testosterone, best I go before I start growing a penis.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Oh!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Told you - lesbian.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26I really didn't think it'd be so easy to crack, did you?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Oops.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Thank you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36MAN HUMS
0:05:38 > 0:05:40'District Line information.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45'Due to a derailment, trains will be extensively delayed.'
0:05:45 > 0:05:47'Please find other means of transport.'
0:05:47 > 0:05:49CAR HORN BLARES
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Aaaargh!
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Are you all right, love? Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Might need stitches. Come on.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26# She's dragged me to her floor
0:06:26 > 0:06:29# Just like she had before
0:06:29 > 0:06:33# And I can't take it no more... #
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Oh-ho. Ah, Beatles' lyrics, eh?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Elastic Thrombosis. They're guilty of lyric poaching.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43They're Beatles' lyrics, aren't they?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I don't know. Sorry.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Everyone is born knowing Beatles' lyrics instinctively.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50They're passed into the foetus subconsciously.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53In fact, they should be called The Foetles.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Not a fan, clearly.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21It's funny the way nobody talks on tubes.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I rarely catch the tube myself, or lifts.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Confined spaces, everybody shuts down. Why?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Perhaps we think everyone else on the tube is a psychopath,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35so we close down and pretend to read.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40You've got a tea stain...
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I don't think you're a psychopath, I just want to read.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I understand. I apologise.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46I'm in a little bit of a good mood today, so I've just...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Sorry.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Have we met before? No, no, honestly. You...you seem familiar.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I don't think so.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Yes. You were in the lift. You dropped your earring,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I picked it up.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Oh, yes, you did. Thank you.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Pleasure. Do you work there?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I did, but I've just been fired. OK?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Oh, no, that's, that's horrible. I'm sorry.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It's OK. I thank you for your concern,
0:08:17 > 0:08:22I'm glad you're in a good mood, I thank you for picking up my earring,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24but I just want to read my book.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I get off at this stop.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I'm only telling you in case you get off at this stop, too,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44and you think I'm following you.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I mean... You know.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51I really didn't mean any offence. Please forgive me.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I'm really not a nutcase. I apologise.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Excuse me.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Um, I'm sorry. I'm sure you're not a psycho or anything,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10it's just that I'm not... I'm not that good at, um...
0:09:10 > 0:09:14you know, um...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Constructing sentences?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16SHE SIGHS Anyway...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I'm James.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Helen.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22MUSIC: "Bennie And The Jets" by Elton John
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I never figured out why we didn't make it.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34You went back to America. I couldn't afford the bus fares.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I came back though.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Turn my back for three lousy years
0:09:38 > 0:09:41and you callously ditch me for another woman.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Mm, I know, I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I live with someone. A man. I live with a man.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53I have people I consider soul mates who don't confide in me this much.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57What would he say if he knew you were with a complete stranger?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Hm, big deal.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08It was nice to meet you. Sorry about your job.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Being a Gemini can have its down sides.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Remember what Monty Python say.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16What? "Always look on the bright side of life?"
0:10:16 > 0:10:20No. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition".
0:10:26 > 0:10:29MUSIC: "Bennie And The Jets" by Elton John
0:10:52 > 0:10:54GERRY GROANS >
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Oh! Oh, yeah! Yes! >
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- HE GRUNTS - Yeah! Yeah!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh! Oh! Oh!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Oh, fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck!!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Yeah!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- SHE PANTS - What?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23SHE SIGHS
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I didn't think you liked Elton John.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I...I do, I do sometimes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40MUSIC OFF
0:11:40 > 0:11:43You really shouldn't stop like that.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Set a woman back three days doing a thing like that.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Who is she?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54She's Lydia.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Well, I've had a dreadful day.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12I got sacked. And so did you, it would seem.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Cup of tea?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17That'd be nice.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21You bastard! You bastard!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23You useless shagging bastard!
0:12:31 > 0:12:36I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva!
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I am working all hours to support you while you are
0:12:40 > 0:12:43supposedly writing your first novel.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47How long? Huh?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Do you love her? No, don't tell me, I'm not interested.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54No, do tell me, I AM interested.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00I'm only asking because I need to know exactly how big a mug I am.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Look, er... Look...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12DOOR SLAMS
0:14:02 > 0:14:04MUSIC: "Honky Cat" by Elton John
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Hello?!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Helen?! Is that you?!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14No, it's your bit of stuff.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Wednesday, shag day, remember?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Have you just got up, you lazy git?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Er, no. Er, well, I...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I didn't sleep that well last night and er, er...
0:14:32 > 0:14:36when you left, I kind of, I went into a really...
0:14:36 > 0:14:40a really, really deep, deep, deep, deep sleep and...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I think I might be coming down with...
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Anyway, er, what are you doing home at this time of...?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Oh, my God! What happened to you?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56It depends. Which story do you want first?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00What?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Well, I got mugged and...
0:15:03 > 0:15:05What are you doing?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I can't stand Elton John.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You know that.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Well, anyway, listen, tell me what happened?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15What happened to your head?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Well, I got mugged and sacked.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21It wasn't an actual mugging, only an attempted mugging
0:15:21 > 0:15:25according to the police...
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- Whoa, whoa! - ..because they didn't...
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Wait a sec. Come here. Now sit down.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Just sit here, OK?
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Now, you're in shock, darling, OK?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36You've had a little bit of a shock. OK?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Now just relax. Er, er...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Do you want a brandy?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45It's four in the afternoon.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Of course it is. Sorry.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Gerry!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Are you OK?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Me? I'm fine. Um, I'm fine.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Anyway, anyway...
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Tell, tell me what happened.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I couldn't help thinking if I had just caught that train,
0:16:27 > 0:16:32it would never have happened. I'd have been home ages ago.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You don't want to go wondering
0:16:32 > 0:16:37about things like that. "If only this" and "what if that."
0:16:37 > 0:16:38I mean...
0:16:40 > 0:16:43It's done now.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Come on.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Follow.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Splash. I'm going to take you out
0:16:51 > 0:16:55and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch and then...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Dry. Thank you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01And then... follow, follow, follow, follow.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05And when you've sung all your favourite Barbara Streisand songs
0:17:05 > 0:17:07and got us slung out of the pub...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Yep, put this on.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13I'm going to let you have intimate knowledge of a lamb passanda
0:17:13 > 0:17:15with a double tarka dahl,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19which you can then puke up all over the pristine doorstep
0:17:19 > 0:17:23of Herr and Frau Goebbels next door, and I'll help you.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Oh. I love you, Gerry.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28She's not here!
0:17:28 > 0:17:33Anna, you're Helen's best friend. Where else would she be?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Come in and search the place.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35She's not here. What have you done?
0:17:35 > 0:17:40It can't be that nice if she's walked out on you.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Look, I'm sorry. If she comes here,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43just let me know or get her to ring me
0:17:43 > 0:17:47or something. That's all I ask.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Like you say, I'm Helen's best friend.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50If she comes here, I'll do what SHE asks.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56MUSIC: "Amateur" by Aimee Mann
0:17:56 > 0:17:59# I'll have this meagre defence
0:17:59 > 0:18:01# I was hoping
0:18:01 > 0:18:06# But you're an amateur
0:18:06 > 0:18:08# I was hoping
0:18:08 > 0:18:12# That you'd know better
0:18:12 > 0:18:15# But I've been wrong... #
0:18:15 > 0:18:21She's got a point. You can't stand Elton John.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21That's not the issue! What do I do?!
0:18:21 > 0:18:25You told me you couldn't hack it juggling Helen and Lydia
0:18:25 > 0:18:29and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I know.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34You weren't cut out for infidelity.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I know.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34But you couldn't end it with Lydia.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I know all this.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37And I told you something.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Something ungoverned by you would happen
0:18:41 > 0:18:43to bring the situation to a head.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I know!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46And...something has.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56It's not funny, actually.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56No, I'm sorry, old man, I beg to differ.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It is funny. It's very, very funny.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04You're not rushing about frantically trying to find her.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09I went to Anna's. She wasn't there.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09You're a one-man SAS crack unit!
0:19:11 > 0:19:15You want my opinion?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Will I like it?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Of course not. It'll be based on reality.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20# Call me fool
0:19:20 > 0:19:23# What's it to you?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25# Then we'll go out walking by the moon... #
0:19:25 > 0:19:29You don't advertise a new restaurant. It's very uncool.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It's word of mouth. People talk.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35How do these people who talk know where you are
0:19:35 > 0:19:39so that they can talk about you? I just want it to work. Helen.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45Hello! James, rather annoying chatty bloke on the tube?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Oh, yes, hi.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50You look all stressed up with nowhere to go.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53It's only a job. You'll get another one.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's something else, isn't it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Sometimes it helps to just say whatever it is out loud.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04It also helps if people mind their own business and leave you alone.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04After I left you earlier,
0:20:04 > 0:20:09I went home and found my boyfriend...
0:20:06 > 0:20:09In bed with another woman. Shit, I'm sorry.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I mean, what an idiot.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14It's OK, you weren't to know.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17No, not me. Your boyfriend, he's an idiot.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Sorry, it's not my place.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It's OK.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26If it makes you feel any better, you see that bloke?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30He owns a personalised set of crocodile skin luggage
0:20:30 > 0:20:33and his favourite TV programme is Baywatch.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36So there's always someone sadder than you.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Do you love him?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42No. I could never love a Baywatch fan.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49You did a joke in the midst of your emotional state. That's positive.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53You decide you want company, we're over here. OK?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56I'm really sorry, Helen.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Two of your most disgustingly large Grolsches, please,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14and a large Jack Daniels with ice
0:21:14 > 0:21:16and I'll have the same.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21You're behind.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Fifteen?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49# I was lost, I was found
0:21:49 > 0:21:52# I'd been tossed to the ground... #
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Gerry came looking for you. Is it what I think?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Depends. Is what you think that I walked in on him
0:22:00 > 0:22:03shagging Lydia in my bed and I walked out?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Pretty much.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Then, yes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21HELEN CHUCKLES
0:22:21 > 0:22:24MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Hold up, hold up. Yeah?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26'This morning was sensational.'
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I ca... Sorry, I can't hear you.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32'Gerry.'
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I can't hear you. Didn't know it was on.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Ready, steady, go!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Who's that?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46My friend.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Come on, let's get you home, you drunken eejit.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54OK, whoa!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- And again. - Whooooooo!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Can I give you a lift anywhere?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Er, yeah, that would be great, thank you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Hands up if you drank too much, eh?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Hey! I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Nine Menlove Avenue. Thanks a lot.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Chicken with some rice, one more little Indian.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29No. I'll be sick.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34We're on schedule for that, but we've gotta move location first.
0:23:36 > 0:23:42He didn't fancy me. He offered us a lift. He was just being concerned.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Mm-hm. If he was being that concerned about me,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I wouldn't be helping YOU into bed right now.
0:23:48 > 0:23:54Am I in bed?
0:23:49 > 0:23:54Yes, you're staying with me for a while. Don't worry, you'll be fine.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Just fine.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01There we go. There we go.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09'Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined
0:24:09 > 0:24:11'breed of dickhead?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14'You have two head problems.'
0:24:14 > 0:24:17One, that was close.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Very close.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Put in layman's terms, she nearly caught you.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25And two...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28and this is far more worrying than the first one.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33You're talking to yourself in the mirror again.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Really bad sign.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Bigger sip, bigger sip, bigger sip.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Don't throw up all over me.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01There are no PR jobs.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06I'm going to need some part-time work, Gerry.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What you need is a change of image.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11That goes back and then...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14it sort of comes like a slant.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22# It's a change in atmosphere
0:25:22 > 0:25:26# And I've seen the signs, I know
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# That it's right for me to go
0:25:30 > 0:25:32# I'm on my way
0:25:32 > 0:25:35# So when you think of yesterday
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# Remember all
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# The things we said
0:25:41 > 0:25:45# And through the course of history
0:25:45 > 0:25:50# I hope you'll still remember me
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# And there can be no other way
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# There's nothing left for us to say
0:25:58 > 0:26:03# I've got to see it through alone
0:26:03 > 0:26:08# I've got to do this on my own... #
0:26:19 > 0:26:25For you, sir.
0:26:20 > 0:26:25Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving mad cow burgers?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I get up at 7.30am, make and deliver sandwiches
0:26:28 > 0:26:33before I come here at six and finish at midnight. If I've got energy left,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I give my boyfriend a blow job.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Would you like mayonnaise?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40You don't mean that.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I do. Really.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45So, you were together two-and-a-half years
0:26:45 > 0:26:49and you've been here like suicide on a stick for a week.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54Nine days, Anna.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54For nine days, but bollocks to him?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Yes! Why hasn't he even called to see if I'm OK,
0:26:57 > 0:27:02to admit he's a twat? "Hi, Helen, it's Gerry. I'm a twat.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04"Please come home, I love you."
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Bollocks to him. I'm over him.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Oh, you're over him.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Yes. Totally and completely over him.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13No, you're not.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- I am. - You're not.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Anna, I'm over him!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18How do you know I'm not?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Well, two things, really.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24You're still counting how long you've been apart in days
0:27:24 > 0:27:27and probably hours and minutes.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31And you're still reading his horoscope in the hope that
0:27:31 > 0:27:36he's going to get wiped out in a napalming incident.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Smart arse.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39What is he?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39A wanker.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Oh, Aries.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Aries. Aries.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Well, just shows how much I know.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"With Mars in the ascendancy,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"you will get wiped out in a napalming incident."
0:27:54 > 0:27:56This guy's very good.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59DOORBELL RINGS
0:28:00 > 0:28:02You go. No, I will.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04No, you. I'm not in. I'm out.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08You don't know where or who with, especially who with.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14Quickly, go on!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I am not answering the door like this.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Anna, please! It won't be him anyway.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19So there's no big deal, is there?
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him.
0:28:27 > 0:28:32Bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Come on, you don't drink your fatty drinks,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47you'll never get quality cellulite.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Haircut suits you, by the way.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51No, it does. It does, no gag.
0:28:51 > 0:28:58Never make a joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58James, maybe I shouldn't be here.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I'm sorry, I'm not being fair.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Under normal circumstances, et cetera,
0:29:05 > 0:29:07you're really nice and funny.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10My friend Anna thinks you're cute.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Wait. Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?!
0:29:15 > 0:29:19- Shit, I just blew... Wait... - HE SIGHS
0:29:19 > 0:29:22£2.85. £2.85 on the wrong girl!
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Helen, sometimes we are plonked into people's lives
0:29:27 > 0:29:31when they need to be cheered up and reassured. For some reason,
0:29:31 > 0:29:34it's your job. We don't know why.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36In your case, it's MY job.
0:29:36 > 0:29:41But I'll be honest, the fact that I find you moderately attractive
0:29:41 > 0:29:46makes it easier on my part. I have no desire
0:29:46 > 0:29:49to overstep the mark. Seriously.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53Do you prefer diamonds or sapphires? Sorry!
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Moderately attractive?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Ah-ha! I knew you were listening.
0:29:57 > 0:30:02Lose the sad eyes, the droopy mouth, I could get you an upgrade.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07So, what are you doing two weeks on Saturday?
0:30:07 > 0:30:11Probably killing myself.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Excellent! What time does it finish? Do you like boats?
0:30:14 > 0:30:17We haven't done that for two months.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Don't be daft.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22Two months, almost to the day.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26Almost to the day? Listen to you, what are we, a survey?
0:30:26 > 0:30:30How did one of my Waterford crystal brandy glasses
0:30:30 > 0:30:33get into the laundry basket?
0:30:33 > 0:30:34To the where?
0:30:34 > 0:30:37The laundry basket.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40I don't know. I answer questions on '70s pop music.
0:30:40 > 0:30:45Last week when I got the sack and I came back...am I going mad?
0:30:45 > 0:30:50But there was a bottle of brandy and two glasses on the dressing table.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50I don't know, I couldn't say.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54Well, there were, I'm sure.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Hang on, wait a minute. No, I could say.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58There was a bottle and ONE glass because...
0:30:58 > 0:31:02No, I'm certain there were two glasses.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Helen, I'm not...sure
0:31:02 > 0:31:04I like where this is going.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08I couldn't sleep, so I got up to get a drink to knock myself out.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12It was still there in the afternoon when you got home.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15You had also that day taken a blow to the, the, the head.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17We'd just had a party.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21Maybe one of your mad friends like Anna threw it there.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Jesus!
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Let's spoil the moment properly.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31What are you trying to say? Am I shagging a brandy drinker?
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Ease up, will you? For Christ's sake, I'm only asking.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Oh, no, women never ask. They don't ask, they insinuate.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42And you are insinuating, not very subtly, may I add,
0:31:42 > 0:31:44that I am...!
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Thanks.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52No, no, no, thank you. Thanks. I mean...
0:31:52 > 0:31:54HE BABBLES
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I mean, thank you, thank you.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58I mean, you know, this is...
0:31:58 > 0:32:02the right time to address our relationship.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04I mean, it's, it's, it's perfect.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08Perfect moment.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Gerry, I asked a simple question.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11There's no need to become Woody Allen.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Thanks, James, I'm sorry if you had a lousy time.
0:32:25 > 0:32:30Drinking two chocolate milkshakes represents social splendour.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32It's one of the perks of being shallow.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Take care, Helen. You'll be fine.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Thank you very much.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04It's amazing how you can learn to despise
0:33:04 > 0:33:08inanimate objects like tin openers that don't open tins,
0:33:08 > 0:33:12egg mayonnaise and skipjack tuna. Are you going out?
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I'm off to the library. I have some stuff to read up on.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17OK.
0:33:17 > 0:33:20I won't be more than a couple of hours.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Would you rather I didn't go?
0:33:23 > 0:33:25No, no, of course not. Go.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28OK, bye.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Lydia, what are you talking about? She followed me.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23I said I was going to the library so I've come to the library!
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Of course I can't come now.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29What if she's still lurking or waiting round the corner?
0:34:29 > 0:34:33Lydia, I don't know why she followed me! I'm not a sleuth!
0:34:33 > 0:34:36Please don't get hysterical.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Don't get hysterical. Look, I'm sorry.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42I've booked our hotel in Dorset. Are we still going?
0:34:42 > 0:34:46Is she going to follow us there? Do you want to end this?
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Yes. I, I, I mean no. I don't want to...
0:34:49 > 0:34:53Of course we're still going. Don't...don't...
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Don't, don't, don't, don't what?!
0:34:55 > 0:34:59I don't know. Look...we're going to Dorset, OK?
0:34:59 > 0:35:01'We're going to have a great time.'
0:35:01 > 0:35:04I'll...talk to you tomorrow.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Right. That's the lot.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17You don't live there any more.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Thanks for going again, Anna.
0:35:20 > 0:35:22Any evidence of HER?
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Nothing that stood out.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28PHONE RINGS
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Hello?
0:35:30 > 0:35:32'It's James. Is Helen there?'
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Helen.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36It's James.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41Hello?
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Yes, tonight. The tonight that comes after today.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49(He wants to go out tonight.)
0:35:49 > 0:35:51(Go.)
0:35:51 > 0:35:55Please come. It'll be a laugh.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55Um... OK.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Great. See ya.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02OK?
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Yeah. She doesn't want to leave here.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05I know.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09She's really frail. Want me to postpone my trip?
0:36:09 > 0:36:14I can do it later in the year.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14It's only a couple of weeks. Go.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14It's not that important.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18It is important. I want you to go.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18OK.
0:36:19 > 0:36:24It'll be hard to leave this place.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24But you've still got the London flat.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28You'll be nearer the hospital and you can get better crack in town.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31Hey, you know what the Monty Python boys say.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."
0:36:35 > 0:36:36Exactly!
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Sorry, let me just...
0:36:38 > 0:36:42Lydia's becoming more demanding, and you feel bad
0:36:42 > 0:36:45cos Helen's working night and day to earn money.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48You've asked Helen to come on a trip with you,
0:36:48 > 0:36:50knowing she couldn't go
0:36:50 > 0:36:54to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57Despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out
0:36:57 > 0:37:00which you didn't take, you're having a moral dilemma.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06If I had no morals, would I discuss it?
0:37:06 > 0:37:08Whose idea was this trip?
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Yours or Lydia's?
0:37:11 > 0:37:16You want to get out of this Lydia thing. I foresee problems.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20I bet you're talking to yourself in the mirror again.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Very bad sign.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23You've no compassion. None!
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Why do I bother confiding in you?
0:37:27 > 0:37:29I'm your mate. I'm here to help you.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36I'm here to help you.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41# Bam-bam-bam! #
0:37:41 > 0:37:44Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Our chief weapon is surprise. Fear and surprise!
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Our two chief weapons are surprise and fear!
0:37:50 > 0:37:54Our three main weapons are fear, surprise and a ruthless efficiency!
0:37:54 > 0:37:56I'll come in again.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03Here we go.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03Oh, wow!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Pass me your plate.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07ALL CHAT HAPPILY
0:38:15 > 0:38:17I am deadly serious.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Just set up my own PR company?
0:38:19 > 0:38:22Why not? You've got the experience,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24the know-how, the contacts.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27Want to spend all your life working for other people?
0:38:27 > 0:38:33What's the worst that could happen?
0:38:29 > 0:38:33I could fail miserably and look like a complete tosser?
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Exactly, so what is there to worry about?
0:38:36 > 0:38:38THEY CHUCKLE
0:38:42 > 0:38:45I had a really nice time, James.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Did you? Shit, sorry, that's against the rules.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Yes, it is. Bear that in mind in future.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55I'm getting over a major break-up.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Yeah, sorry. Won't happen again.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Goodnight, Helen.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Hey, everything happens for the best.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12You'll never know if you don't try.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17Wear something warm on Saturday. It can get cold on the river.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Take care.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29# Is that you?
0:39:30 > 0:39:33# Looks like you've changed your ways again... #
0:39:33 > 0:39:37So, what other ideas has James run by you?
0:39:37 > 0:39:42Anna, don't do desperate mother acting with me. He's a friend.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44OK? Friend.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48I'm not remotely interested in him romantically.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48- You're not?- No.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51So how come last night was the first night
0:39:51 > 0:39:55you didn't ask if anyone had called the second you walked in?
0:39:55 > 0:40:00# What I know now
0:40:00 > 0:40:03# It's not always a happy ending
0:40:04 > 0:40:07# Yeah, but hey!
0:40:10 > 0:40:13# Here comes that rainy day again
0:40:16 > 0:40:19# Hey, look at me
0:40:19 > 0:40:22# I don't feel like cryin'
0:40:22 > 0:40:24# No
0:40:24 > 0:40:27# I don't feel like cryin'
0:40:27 > 0:40:32# No, I don't feel like it
0:40:35 > 0:40:39# And hey, look at me... #
0:40:39 > 0:40:40'You're sorry?'
0:40:40 > 0:40:43You're sorry that four of the staff here
0:40:43 > 0:40:47have had food poisoning after eating your sandwiches?
0:40:47 > 0:40:52They all had the same sandwiches and the same symptoms at the same time.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Are you trained in the catering trade?
0:40:55 > 0:40:57No, actually, I work in PR.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01You're not doing a good PR job this morning, are you?
0:41:01 > 0:41:06I've convinced my colleagues not to take the matter further THIS time.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10Now, I have five people's work to do.
0:41:12 > 0:41:13'Sorry?'
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Helen delivers sandwiches to your office?
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Yes, and today I had reason to summon her.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23Well, I made up a reason, to be brutally honest.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26She's quite pretty in a British, horsey way.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29What are you playing at? Have you gone raving mad?
0:41:29 > 0:41:33She's not bloody stupid!
0:41:31 > 0:41:33Ooh, I wouldn't say that.
0:41:33 > 0:41:38I wanted to see what the woman you ditched me for is like.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Now, now, now, now, wait a sec!
0:41:38 > 0:41:42I did not ditch you... You went back to America.
0:41:41 > 0:41:42I wanted to see
0:41:42 > 0:41:45what this girl you have no intention of leaving,
0:41:45 > 0:41:49despite the pre-orgasmic suggestion that you are,
0:41:49 > 0:41:51has that is so unleavable.
0:41:51 > 0:41:55And I have to say that I ended our brief meeting at a loss.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59Don't talk like this. It sounds ugly. I've told you
0:41:59 > 0:42:01I cannot leave Helen for...for...
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Y-y-y-you know.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06For me?
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Is that what you're trying to say?
0:42:09 > 0:42:13You can't leave her for me?
0:42:13 > 0:42:18You haven't said you wanted that.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18Gerry, I'm a woman.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20We don't say what we want.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23But we become pissed off if we don't get it.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25That's what makes us so fascinating.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27And not a little bit scary.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29PHONE RINGS
0:42:30 > 0:42:32- Hello? - Ah, Gerald Flannigan, at last.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35This is your kindly Uncle Russell here.
0:42:35 > 0:42:39DOOR SLAMS >
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Wherever you were tonight,
0:42:39 > 0:42:41you weren't with me. Helen called,
0:42:41 > 0:42:45looking for you.
0:42:43 > 0:42:45- OK. - Yeah, all right.
0:42:45 > 0:42:46Thanks, mate. Bye.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50Oh, thank God! I was so worried. Where have you been?
0:42:50 > 0:42:54I went to Anna's. I needed to see a friendly face.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57I've had a horrible day.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01I met Cruella De Vil's less nice sister this morning.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03- She completely deflated me. - I know.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06How do you know?
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Oh, no, I mean, I can tell.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Jeez, you look terrible.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17Where were you earlier? I needed to talk to you.
0:43:17 > 0:43:21Well, I had some stuff to read up on,
0:43:21 > 0:43:23so I went to the library.
0:43:23 > 0:43:25God, you're always at the library.
0:43:25 > 0:43:30I'm sick of waiting on tables. I know when you finish the book
0:43:30 > 0:43:32we'll be millionaires, but...
0:43:32 > 0:43:35when are you going to finish it?
0:43:37 > 0:43:39I'm going to finish it very soon.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Very soon.
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Helen...there's something I want to tell you.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Er, NEED to tell you.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55Um, it's a little bit to do with the...
0:43:55 > 0:43:59brandy glass and a little bit to do with that woman
0:43:59 > 0:44:01you met today,
0:44:01 > 0:44:05only please let me finish before you say anything.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08OK?
0:44:11 > 0:44:13Helen?
0:44:16 > 0:44:18Bollocks.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21Come on, James!
0:44:19 > 0:44:21Come on!
0:44:26 > 0:44:29Pull! Pull!
0:44:29 > 0:44:31Come on! Come on!
0:44:31 > 0:44:33# I've got an aching in my bones
0:44:33 > 0:44:34# I've been exposed
0:44:34 > 0:44:38# To what I want to see
0:44:38 > 0:44:41# The fuse is burning somewhere
0:44:41 > 0:44:43# It's drenched in need
0:44:43 > 0:44:47# It's where I've longed to be... #
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Weird. I knew there'd be a boat race going by
0:44:51 > 0:44:53with purple and white shirts.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55Sorry?
0:44:55 > 0:44:58Why hasn't he asked you to go with him to Dorset?
0:44:57 > 0:44:58He has. I've got to work.
0:44:59 > 0:45:04Anyway, it'll be good for him to get away. We need a bit of space.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07Anna, can I ask you a daft question?
0:45:07 > 0:45:10Did you drop a glass in the laundry basket at our party?
0:45:10 > 0:45:13Sounds like a ridiculous thing to do.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16It was almost certainly me. You OK?
0:45:16 > 0:45:20Just going quietly mad.
0:45:18 > 0:45:20Thank God for that. I was worried.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Faster!!
0:45:23 > 0:45:25Faster!!
0:45:28 > 0:45:30Yay!!
0:45:30 > 0:45:32- # And to my left - # And to my left
0:45:32 > 0:45:34- # And to my right - # And to my right
0:45:34 > 0:45:36- # And with my left - # And with my left
0:45:36 > 0:45:39- # And with my right - # And with my right
0:45:39 > 0:45:42- # And with the heed - # And with the heed
0:45:42 > 0:45:44HE CHUCKLES
0:45:44 > 0:45:49# Father Abraham, heed, had seven sons, heed, heed
0:45:49 > 0:45:52# Seven sons had Father Abraham, heed... #
0:45:54 > 0:45:56Are you sure it's just writer's block?
0:45:56 > 0:45:58I mean, you seem so distant.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04I'm here, Gerry, if you need to talk to me about anything.
0:46:04 > 0:46:09Hey, that's Helen in there.
0:46:05 > 0:46:09# Seven sons had Father Abraham, heed! #
0:46:09 > 0:46:12And she's got blonde hair.
0:46:12 > 0:46:17There's load of them having some sponsored epileptic fit.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22Lydia.
0:46:22 > 0:46:26Maybe it isn't writer's block at all, Gerry.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28Maybe it's Helen block.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32I don't want to hear about Helen.
0:46:32 > 0:46:35I don't care about Helen.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40The trouble is, YOU do.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Quite clearly.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46I just thought of a great finish for your book!
0:46:48 > 0:46:50The end!
0:46:54 > 0:46:56SINGING CONTINUES NOISILY
0:46:56 > 0:46:58CHEERING
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Yes, you are! He's opening his restaurant in six days
0:47:07 > 0:47:11and he's completely disorganised.
0:47:11 > 0:47:16My old company had wars getting Pierre Claude's restaurant open.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16YOU did Pierre Claude?
0:47:16 > 0:47:18Mm-hm.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21He's my hero. You did his launch?
0:47:21 > 0:47:23I heard that was a really classy do.
0:47:23 > 0:47:27People went on about it.
0:47:25 > 0:47:27I mean, six days is...
0:47:28 > 0:47:30Could I come and take a look?
0:47:30 > 0:47:33I can't promise anything stupendous.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36Sure, yeah, yeah, no problem.
0:47:36 > 0:47:38You're kidding! Come down.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41Pierre Claude? Oh, wow!
0:47:44 > 0:47:46You're very thoughtful, James.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49You give out an incredible amount.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52You're the same. You encouraged me today.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55I saw you jumping up and down like a mad thing.
0:47:55 > 0:47:57Spurred me on.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01I love this bridge.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04My great grandfather helped build it.
0:48:04 > 0:48:09I often come and stand on it when I want to, um...
0:48:09 > 0:48:11Build a bridge?
0:48:13 > 0:48:15I'm sorry.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24Oh, God, James, don't.
0:48:24 > 0:48:26Ohhhh, I'm sorry.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28- No, I... - I-I-I-I...
0:48:28 > 0:48:32I know this is an ideal sort of kissing moment.
0:48:32 > 0:48:35You know, night, moon, boat, water lapping.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37You know, it's perfect
0:48:37 > 0:48:41and I'm not not feeling that it would be nice...
0:48:43 > 0:48:46..but I don't really know anything about you
0:48:46 > 0:48:50and I'm still on the rebound. Oh, God, I hate that word, but I am.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53Ah, who isn't? Everyone is.
0:48:53 > 0:48:56I'm on a rebound myself in a way.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00So, who are you on the rebound from?
0:49:00 > 0:49:02A girl called Pamela.
0:49:02 > 0:49:06My whole life pivots around her and I breaking up.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08And when was that?
0:49:08 > 0:49:091973. We were eight.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13I bloody loved that woman.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16No warning, just left me for somebody else.
0:49:16 > 0:49:18Who?
0:49:18 > 0:49:20Gary Glitter.
0:49:20 > 0:49:24The cow.
0:49:21 > 0:49:24Gary Glitter! For crying out loud!
0:49:24 > 0:49:29All my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy.
0:49:29 > 0:49:32I could've come to terms with that, given time.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35But Gary, she wanted to touch him there. Yeah!
0:49:35 > 0:49:37You know?
0:49:37 > 0:49:40I went to pieces, as you can imagine,
0:49:40 > 0:49:44and there was no Junior Prozac to see me through so...
0:49:52 > 0:49:55So, I...er, I, um...
0:49:55 > 0:49:57I kissed you.
0:49:57 > 0:49:59Yeah, yeah, I spotted that too.
0:49:59 > 0:50:02- You weren't going to do that. - Um...
0:50:02 > 0:50:05Would you mind just putting that
0:50:05 > 0:50:09down to a momentary lapse of, um, concentration?
0:50:09 > 0:50:14Is that what it was?
0:50:10 > 0:50:14No. Yes. I don't...
0:50:14 > 0:50:16Help.
0:50:19 > 0:50:24I don't want to be a confusion in your life. I don't, truly.
0:50:24 > 0:50:28But something's happened to me since I've met you
0:50:28 > 0:50:31that I wasn't expecting and...
0:50:31 > 0:50:33and I don't really...
0:50:33 > 0:50:36Well, I wasn't expecting...
0:50:36 > 0:50:41Repetition of "expecting," I must buy a thesaurus. Anyway, I...
0:51:40 > 0:51:44INAUDIBLE
0:51:44 > 0:51:46CAR HORN BLARES
0:51:46 > 0:51:50You did remember to take a full page ad in Adulterers Weekly(!)
0:51:54 > 0:51:56Lydia, get in the car!
0:51:56 > 0:52:00How many years have you been going to paint that stain off?
0:52:01 > 0:52:04TYRES SCREECH
0:52:14 > 0:52:17MUSIC: "Use The Force" by Jamiroquai
0:52:23 > 0:52:25# Ooh, I must believe
0:52:28 > 0:52:31# I can do anything
0:52:31 > 0:52:34# I can heal everyone
0:52:35 > 0:52:37# I must believe
0:52:39 > 0:52:42# I am the wind, yeah
0:52:42 > 0:52:45# I am the sea, whoa-whoa
0:52:46 > 0:52:50# I am the wind, I am the sea, I am the sun
0:52:50 > 0:52:52# I can be anyone
0:52:53 > 0:52:56# Oh, this world is mine
0:52:56 > 0:52:58# This world is mine
0:52:58 > 0:53:01# For all of time
0:52:59 > 0:53:01# For all of time
0:53:01 > 0:53:05# I can turn into stone, call any place my home
0:53:05 > 0:53:07# I can do anything
0:53:12 > 0:53:17# I know I'm going to get myself together, yeah, get myself
0:53:17 > 0:53:18# Yeah
0:53:18 > 0:53:20# Use the force... #
0:53:20 > 0:53:23INDISTINCT DIALOGUE
0:53:28 > 0:53:31What do you mean, you want to see me? Jesus Christ!
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Wha...?
0:53:33 > 0:53:37How did you get in?
0:53:34 > 0:53:37One of the waiters is a friend of Russell's.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40He got me a ticket. It's a great do.
0:53:40 > 0:53:44Your company's really taken off.
0:53:42 > 0:53:44Gerry, you can't just turn up like this.
0:53:44 > 0:53:48This is a really important night for me.
0:53:46 > 0:53:48Yes, I can, Helen.
0:53:48 > 0:53:53It's the most important just-turn-up I've ever done.
0:53:53 > 0:53:55Oh, God! We, we can't talk in here.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05We've been through too much just to drop this.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07Haven't we? Surely?
0:54:09 > 0:54:13Helen. Please, look at me.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17I'm sorry.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20Really sorry.
0:54:21 > 0:54:26You're too good not to fight for.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26Oh, God, Gerry, don't talk about fights. I...
0:54:32 > 0:54:36Good-looking bloke. Are you seeing him?
0:54:36 > 0:54:38I'm sorry,
0:54:38 > 0:54:40it's not my place to ask.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43Is that him?
0:54:43 > 0:54:48- Guess so. - Does she know about Claudia?
0:54:46 > 0:54:48No.
0:54:48 > 0:54:50I really like her, Clive.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53I'm confused. I feel a bit lost suddenly.
0:54:53 > 0:54:57Gerry, I really have to go back inside.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59Will you come and see me?
0:55:00 > 0:55:03There's so much more I want to say.
0:55:03 > 0:55:05I miss you.
0:55:05 > 0:55:09Will you come and see me?
0:55:09 > 0:55:11Please, Helen.
0:55:11 > 0:55:13I'll go.
0:55:16 > 0:55:18Thanks for listening.
0:55:18 > 0:55:20I'm really proud of you.
0:55:20 > 0:55:23# I am the wind, yeah
0:55:23 > 0:55:26# I am the sea, whoa-whoa
0:55:26 > 0:55:29# I am the wind, I am the sea
0:55:29 > 0:55:31# I am the sun
0:55:31 > 0:55:34# I can be anyone... #
0:55:34 > 0:55:36MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED
0:55:42 > 0:55:47Are you OK?
0:55:43 > 0:55:47You OK?
0:55:44 > 0:55:47Yes, just a bit dizzy.
0:55:47 > 0:55:48Too much champagne.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53MUSIC: "Miracle" by Olive
0:55:53 > 0:55:56# That makes it a love thing
0:55:56 > 0:55:59# Straight to the face
0:55:59 > 0:56:02# One-way love will be a miracle
0:56:02 > 0:56:04# Touching the place
0:56:04 > 0:56:07# That makes it a love thing
0:56:07 > 0:56:09# Straight to the face... #
0:56:09 > 0:56:13It's official - I love you.
0:56:13 > 0:56:16Thank you. You're a genius. I'm ecstatic.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Have you...have you seen James?
0:56:19 > 0:56:23Yeah. Yeah, he had to go. Early start. He apologised.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33PHONE RINGS
0:56:41 > 0:56:46Business trip. Newcastle or something. I didn't want to pry.
0:56:46 > 0:56:50His secretary wasn't very forthcoming.
0:56:48 > 0:56:50Do you believe he's away
0:56:50 > 0:56:53- or do you think he's avoiding you? - Don't know.
0:56:53 > 0:56:56- Did you leave a message? - No.
0:56:54 > 0:56:56Maybe you should have.
0:56:56 > 0:57:02Did he see Gerry kiss you?
0:56:58 > 0:57:02I don't know.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02He might be hoping you've called.
0:57:02 > 0:57:06Does he have a mobile?
0:57:03 > 0:57:06Anna, ease up, will you? Bloody hell!
0:57:06 > 0:57:09They have less questions on Jeopardy.
0:57:09 > 0:57:12I was nervous. I wanted to get off the phone.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16It's such a piddly thing. Hardly worth him getting uptight.
0:57:16 > 0:57:18Oh, Gerry called, by the way.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21Terrific. That's just gre...
0:57:21 > 0:57:25Two months ago, I want Gerry to come round, James comes round.
0:57:25 > 0:57:28Now I want James to call, Gerry calls.
0:57:36 > 0:57:40'It was the weirdest dream. You were there
0:57:40 > 0:57:42'and you had a funny mask
0:57:42 > 0:57:45'over your face.'
0:57:45 > 0:57:50You had something that you needed to tell me but you couldn't say it.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50That does it, I'm taking away
0:57:50 > 0:57:55your class one drugs for a week.
0:57:52 > 0:57:55Anyway, um...
0:57:55 > 0:57:57there's something else
0:57:57 > 0:57:59I wanted to tell you.
0:58:00 > 0:58:03I fainted at work the other night.
0:58:03 > 0:58:05Sweetheart, are you OK?
0:58:05 > 0:58:10Yes, but... I don't normally faint, so, I, um...
0:58:10 > 0:58:11- Ohh! - GLASS SMASHES
0:58:11 > 0:58:17What was that?
0:58:13 > 0:58:17The people next door are engaged in some bizarre sexual ritual.
0:58:17 > 0:58:21I may pop in later and introduce myself.
0:58:21 > 0:58:25What were you saying?
0:58:23 > 0:58:25LYDIA GROANS LOUDLY
0:58:25 > 0:58:29I don't normally faint, so I was little...curious.
0:58:29 > 0:58:32Ow! Oh! Oh!
0:58:32 > 0:58:34Oh!
0:58:34 > 0:58:37I stubbed my foot on the side of the bath!
0:58:37 > 0:58:38Ohh!
0:58:38 > 0:58:40God, it sounds horrific.
0:58:40 > 0:58:42I know. Sh!
0:58:42 > 0:58:45Anyway...
0:58:45 > 0:58:50There's the landlady. She keeps coming up with sandwiches.
0:58:50 > 0:58:54I'll phone you back when World War XII has stopped for tea. Bye.
0:58:57 > 0:59:00So I did a test and it turns out that I'm pregnant.
0:59:02 > 0:59:04I just thought you might like to know.
0:59:06 > 0:59:10- Ohh! - Have you gone completely insane?
0:59:10 > 0:59:13- What are you trying to do?! - What do you mean?
0:59:13 > 0:59:17I think I've broke my toe.
0:59:14 > 0:59:17Lydia, I'm on the pissing phone to Helen!
0:59:17 > 0:59:19For goodness sake!
0:59:19 > 0:59:24She doesn't know you're here. She thinks I'm on a research trip.
0:59:24 > 0:59:26Alone. Remember?
0:59:26 > 0:59:31I remember. Don't worry, I remember. It's pretty hard to forget.
0:59:31 > 0:59:34So, what are you trying to do?! Coming in here,
0:59:34 > 0:59:38screeching the place down when I'm on the phone!
0:59:38 > 0:59:40Don't you know, Gerry?
0:59:40 > 0:59:44Don't you know what I am trying to do?!
0:59:44 > 0:59:46I am trying
0:59:46 > 0:59:49to be your girlfriend, Gerry!
0:59:49 > 0:59:52I am trying to win you back! It's fairly simple!
0:59:52 > 0:59:56I am standing on the platform
0:59:56 > 0:59:59at Limbo Central with my heart and soul
0:59:59 > 1:00:03packed in my suitcase, waiting for the Gerry-fucking-Express
1:00:03 > 1:00:08to tell me that my ticket is still valid, that I may reboard the train.
1:00:08 > 1:00:10Only the station announcer
1:00:10 > 1:00:15keeps coming on and telling me that my train is delayed as the driver
1:00:15 > 1:00:17has suffered a major panic attack
1:00:17 > 1:00:22in Indecision City! "We suggest you take the bus!"
1:00:22 > 1:00:25That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!
1:00:33 > 1:00:35Except...
1:00:37 > 1:00:40it's quite clear
1:00:40 > 1:00:43that that is never going to happen...
1:00:43 > 1:00:46is it?
1:00:46 > 1:00:48No reply.
1:00:50 > 1:00:51Perfect.
1:00:51 > 1:00:56So, I'm not waiting any more, Gerry.
1:00:56 > 1:00:59I am cashing my ticket in.
1:00:59 > 1:01:01I am taking that bus.
1:01:02 > 1:01:05Oh, God! I'll tell all my friends,
1:01:05 > 1:01:08"Never go back."
1:01:08 > 1:01:11Look at me. I must be crazy.
1:01:11 > 1:01:15Don't phone me for a while. Aw!
1:01:15 > 1:01:17Oh!
1:01:17 > 1:01:22No! Don't phone me at all! Ever!
1:01:23 > 1:01:25It's over!!
1:01:25 > 1:01:28Again!!
1:01:28 > 1:01:31I've done it, Russell.
1:01:31 > 1:01:36I've bloody done it!
1:01:33 > 1:01:36Congratulations. Done what?
1:01:35 > 1:01:36I've finished it.
1:01:36 > 1:01:39Oh, the book! Oh, that's great.
1:01:39 > 1:01:44Not the book, not the book. I'm never going to finish that. The affair!
1:01:44 > 1:01:47The sordid affair with Lydia.
1:01:47 > 1:01:49I've blown her out in Dorset.
1:01:49 > 1:01:52I was decisive, but fair. I've just got back.
1:01:52 > 1:01:56Oh, God, I feel like I've got out of jail.
1:01:56 > 1:02:00No more deceit, no more lying. It was such a mistake.
1:02:00 > 1:02:02Never go back. But it's over.
1:02:02 > 1:02:04Whoo!
1:02:04 > 1:02:07I can't tell you it's such a good feeling.
1:02:07 > 1:02:11Well, I'm very pleased. How does Lydia feel about it?
1:02:11 > 1:02:14Well, she's not jumping through hoops,
1:02:14 > 1:02:16but it's the best thing by far.
1:02:16 > 1:02:18By far and away the best thing.
1:02:18 > 1:02:20She knows that. She will do when...
1:02:20 > 1:02:25Well, she was upset. I mean, a bit fraught, you know.
1:02:25 > 1:02:27Obviously. Oh, God, oh, God!
1:02:27 > 1:02:29I feel good. Gotta go home.
1:02:29 > 1:02:31I want to be home before Helen gets in.
1:02:36 > 1:02:39You never buy me flowers when you're meant to.
1:02:39 > 1:02:41So, yes, I'm suspicious.
1:02:41 > 1:02:46What else have you been doing that you're not meant to?
1:02:44 > 1:02:46Let me get this straight
1:02:46 > 1:02:50cos this is just brilliant. I buy you flowers on a whim,
1:02:50 > 1:02:52in a fit of,
1:02:52 > 1:02:56of, of, of, um, of romance, but...
1:02:56 > 1:03:00You couldn't even think of the word.
1:02:58 > 1:03:00But instead of being grateful,
1:03:00 > 1:03:05instead of being romanced, you're convinced that I'm ensconced
1:03:05 > 1:03:09in some decrepit, tacky, underhand, clandestine affair.
1:03:09 > 1:03:11In a nutshell.
1:03:21 > 1:03:24Gerry?!
1:03:25 > 1:03:27Are you back?
1:03:28 > 1:03:31I missed you, so I came home early.
1:03:31 > 1:03:33God!
1:03:34 > 1:03:36What are they?
1:03:36 > 1:03:41Well, they're flowers. For you.
1:03:41 > 1:03:43Do you not like them?
1:03:44 > 1:03:47That image of her sitting on top of you.
1:03:47 > 1:03:51Oh, God, I really don't know why I agreed to come.
1:03:51 > 1:03:54Please stop, I don't want you to touch me.
1:03:54 > 1:03:56I'm sorry. Don't go.
1:03:56 > 1:03:59Please try and put her out of your mind.
1:03:59 > 1:04:01She's out of mine.
1:04:01 > 1:04:02It's finished. Over.
1:04:02 > 1:04:06I made a mistake. Such a big, big mistake
1:04:06 > 1:04:09and I'm sorry. I'm truly,
1:04:09 > 1:04:11truly sorry.
1:04:12 > 1:04:17This new bloke James that you're seeing, does he not make mistakes?
1:04:17 > 1:04:23How do you know his name?
1:04:18 > 1:04:23A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant. They're mutual friends.
1:04:23 > 1:04:25It's not important.
1:04:25 > 1:04:30I don't want to talk about James or anyone else. I have to go.
1:04:30 > 1:04:32Oh, bye the way, I've, er...
1:04:32 > 1:04:35I've stopped writing the book.
1:04:36 > 1:04:40Helen...the truth is...
1:04:40 > 1:04:42I can't write without you.
1:04:42 > 1:04:45I can't do anything without you.
1:04:46 > 1:04:51I want you to come back to me, Helen.
1:04:51 > 1:04:53We were so good together.
1:04:54 > 1:04:57Remember how good we are together.
1:04:57 > 1:04:59PHONE RINGS
1:04:59 > 1:05:02Sorry. Just wait.
1:05:06 > 1:05:09- Yep? - I'm late. Four days. I'm never late.
1:05:09 > 1:05:14Russell, look, hi, mate, can I ring you back in a few minutes?
1:05:14 > 1:05:17Yeah. OK, OK. Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye.
1:05:17 > 1:05:19That was Russell.
1:05:21 > 1:05:24I'm, I'm dying for the loo.
1:05:40 > 1:05:44'Telephone number 0171 4443184.
1:05:44 > 1:05:46'To return the call, press three.'
1:05:49 > 1:05:55PHONE RINGS
1:05:51 > 1:05:55Why are you pretending I'm Russell? What's going on?
1:05:56 > 1:05:59Gerry, answer me. Who's there?
1:05:59 > 1:06:01It's Helen, actually. We met once.
1:06:01 > 1:06:04I interrupted you faking your orgasm.
1:06:04 > 1:06:07Sorry I can't be more specific.
1:06:09 > 1:06:11You know what I was thinking?
1:06:12 > 1:06:14You're not going, are you?
1:06:14 > 1:06:16You wanker.
1:06:16 > 1:06:19You sad, sad wanker.
1:06:21 > 1:06:25I'm such a mug! The useless, no-good, shagging,
1:06:25 > 1:06:28horrible, despicable, lying,
1:06:28 > 1:06:31two-faced, pissing, shagging...
1:06:31 > 1:06:34You said shagging.
1:06:32 > 1:06:34..wanker!
1:06:36 > 1:06:38You know the worst bit?
1:06:38 > 1:06:40All I could think about was James.
1:06:40 > 1:06:45I felt like I was being unfaithful to James just by being there.
1:06:45 > 1:06:48That sounds like the best bit. And you were.
1:06:50 > 1:06:53He didn't call, did he?
1:06:53 > 1:06:56That's nearly a week.
1:06:57 > 1:07:00I think I've blown it. I've blown it, haven't I?
1:07:02 > 1:07:07I blame British Telecom. One number if you want to know who called,
1:07:07 > 1:07:12another one if you don't want them to know you called, itemised bills.
1:07:12 > 1:07:16They are condemning the average red-blooded man
1:07:16 > 1:07:18to a life of terminal monogamy.
1:07:18 > 1:07:22What are they after, the Nobel Peace Prize?
1:07:20 > 1:07:22Lydia might be pregnant.
1:07:28 > 1:07:32Oh, no more, please! I can't take it!
1:07:32 > 1:07:35This is terrific stuff. Being with you
1:07:35 > 1:07:40makes the wait for the next episode of Seinfeld easier to bear.
1:07:40 > 1:07:43I didn't reckon on things turning out this way.
1:07:43 > 1:07:47Everything's a cock-up. What's going on?
1:07:47 > 1:07:51To use boxing parlance, if I may, it's quite simple.
1:07:51 > 1:07:53You've just lost.
1:07:53 > 1:07:55Are you sure? You've been a bit...
1:07:55 > 1:07:59I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back.
1:07:59 > 1:08:01I know.
1:08:01 > 1:08:05Well, there are a couple of things. Which one first?
1:08:05 > 1:08:08I don't mind.
1:08:06 > 1:08:08Well, the small thing
1:08:08 > 1:08:12is that I've got an interview for a job. A proper one.
1:08:13 > 1:08:17International company opening up in London.
1:08:17 > 1:08:20Chairwoman called and said she'd heard a lot about me.
1:08:20 > 1:08:23Invited me to her apartment for a serious chat.
1:08:25 > 1:08:29Jesus Christ!
1:08:27 > 1:08:29What?
1:08:29 > 1:08:34Jesus Christ, I mean, that's not a small thing, that's huge.
1:08:34 > 1:08:37I mean it's, it's, it's brilliant.
1:08:37 > 1:08:40I mean, it's the best.
1:08:38 > 1:08:40Is the blind buggered again?
1:08:40 > 1:08:42No, er, no...
1:08:42 > 1:08:44Well...
1:08:50 > 1:08:52Are you all right?
1:08:52 > 1:08:57Yeah, I'm fine, darling. My sweetheart, that's tremendous.
1:08:57 > 1:08:59- I'm thrilled. - PHONE RINGS
1:08:58 > 1:08:59Hello?
1:08:59 > 1:09:02I really need to talk to you.
1:09:02 > 1:09:03Hi, Russ, how are you?
1:09:03 > 1:09:07Come by my apartment tomorrow night at eight.
1:09:07 > 1:09:08It's important.
1:09:08 > 1:09:11Oh, really, mate? No, what a drag.
1:09:11 > 1:09:13Yeah, sure. Sure, sure. Yeah.
1:09:13 > 1:09:17Yeah, I'll help ya. Yep, yep. Cheers, mate. Cheers, bye.
1:09:17 > 1:09:20Russell's family's descending.
1:09:20 > 1:09:23He wants me to go round tomorrow evening
1:09:23 > 1:09:26and help him clear out, er, his spare room.
1:09:26 > 1:09:28Right, OK, so...
1:09:28 > 1:09:30- HE EXHALES - Right.
1:09:33 > 1:09:37Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?
1:09:37 > 1:09:41Doesn't matter. It's not important.
1:10:05 > 1:10:08- PHONE RINGS - Hammerton Enterprises.
1:10:13 > 1:10:18Rachael, I'm going out to the shops. Can I get you anything?
1:10:16 > 1:10:18No, thanks.
1:10:18 > 1:10:22You OK?
1:10:19 > 1:10:22Yes. Yes!
1:10:22 > 1:10:24Yes, I'm fine.
1:10:24 > 1:10:27I just...you know, go to the shops.
1:10:27 > 1:10:30Just... I'll be...um...
1:11:03 > 1:11:04- Sorry. - Sorry.
1:11:06 > 1:11:07Hello.
1:11:07 > 1:11:10Hi.
1:11:10 > 1:11:12- How are you? - How are you?
1:11:12 > 1:11:15- I'm fine. - I'm fine. How are you?
1:11:15 > 1:11:18Sorry, you're great.
1:11:20 > 1:11:23Business lunch?
1:11:23 > 1:11:26Just a chat. My office is just round the corner.
1:11:26 > 1:11:28I know. Um...
1:11:28 > 1:11:30I thought you were away
1:11:30 > 1:11:34on business.
1:11:31 > 1:11:34Yeah, I was. I got back last night
1:11:34 > 1:11:36as a matter of...
1:11:37 > 1:11:40Helen, look, please don't think that I...
1:11:40 > 1:11:44It's OK, I haven't thought. I mean, I-I-I-I....
1:11:44 > 1:11:46I didn't think that or not.
1:11:46 > 1:11:49Don't think that I have not called you.
1:11:49 > 1:11:51I haven't not called you.
1:11:51 > 1:11:53I mean, I don't mean I haven't...
1:11:53 > 1:11:58not called you cos that's a double negative...
1:11:55 > 1:11:58When did you call?
1:11:58 > 1:12:01Er, well I, didn't, but I,
1:12:01 > 1:12:03I didn't not call you
1:12:03 > 1:12:07in the way that you might think I didn't call you.
1:12:07 > 1:12:09HE SIGHS HEAVILY
1:12:09 > 1:12:11I wanted to call you.
1:12:11 > 1:12:14I did dial-all- but-the-last-number thing
1:12:14 > 1:12:18and then not... Ridiculous behaviour.
1:12:18 > 1:12:20Totally.
1:12:21 > 1:12:26I thought you still had to deal with your other...
1:12:24 > 1:12:26Gerry?
1:12:26 > 1:12:28I don't know, is that...? Yeah.
1:12:28 > 1:12:33I thought it was best if I allowed you...
1:12:30 > 1:12:33Gerry is why you haven't called me.
1:12:33 > 1:12:37After Clive's party, I didn't want to presume that we...
1:12:37 > 1:12:43You think I just go to bed with all successful oarsmen I come across?
1:12:43 > 1:12:47Sorry. Nervous humour.
1:12:44 > 1:12:47Well, I hoped not.
1:12:47 > 1:12:49MOBILE PHONE RINGS
1:12:49 > 1:12:51Sorry, excuse me.
1:12:53 > 1:12:55Hello?
1:12:56 > 1:13:00Oh, I see. I'll, um...
1:13:00 > 1:13:02I'll come straight away. OK, thanks.
1:13:02 > 1:13:05My mum had to go into hospital for tests.
1:13:05 > 1:13:08The results are through. I should go.
1:13:08 > 1:13:12Do you want me to come with you?
1:13:14 > 1:13:17Yeah, that's really nice of you.
1:13:18 > 1:13:21Er, well, maybe, um...
1:13:21 > 1:13:24She's quite frail and I don't know...
1:13:24 > 1:13:27It's OK.
1:13:27 > 1:13:28But thanks.
1:13:30 > 1:13:33We're having dinner at Clive's tonight
1:13:33 > 1:13:35if you're not doing anything.
1:13:35 > 1:13:37You want to come along?
1:13:39 > 1:13:43Well, some other time.
1:13:40 > 1:13:43I'd love to, if that's OK.
1:13:43 > 1:13:45Yeah, yeah!
1:13:46 > 1:13:49Of course. Crikey, it's, it's very OK. Yeah.
1:13:49 > 1:13:53At the risk of sounding old fashioned, I'll pick you up at 8.
1:13:53 > 1:13:58Is that a WILL pick me up or a haven't, not, didn't, might?
1:14:00 > 1:14:03Don't worry about your mum. She'll be OK.
1:14:03 > 1:14:05Remember Monty Python.
1:14:06 > 1:14:08Well, I'll see you later.
1:14:12 > 1:14:14- Bye. - Bye.
1:14:23 > 1:14:25- Hiya. - How are you?
1:14:25 > 1:14:27Yeah, just...you know...
1:14:29 > 1:14:32Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?
1:14:32 > 1:14:34I haven't told him yet.
1:14:34 > 1:14:37Never seems to be the right moment somehow.
1:14:38 > 1:14:41Come on, let's celebrate with a proper drink.
1:14:41 > 1:14:44Bloody marvellous idea.
1:14:44 > 1:14:49I really shouldn't in my condition, but I'm really going to.
1:14:47 > 1:14:49What have you got?
1:14:49 > 1:14:53Um...brandy.
1:14:50 > 1:14:53Ooh, no. Yuck! Makes me vomit.
1:14:57 > 1:15:00# Coming up for air
1:15:07 > 1:15:09# Rising to a
1:15:09 > 1:15:12# Very new
1:15:13 > 1:15:15# Somewhere
1:15:18 > 1:15:21# Coming up for air
1:15:24 > 1:15:29# I'm the last breath around
1:15:34 > 1:15:39# I'm the last breath around... #
1:16:09 > 1:16:11Half day?
1:16:15 > 1:16:17James?
1:16:20 > 1:16:21Since last night?
1:16:23 > 1:16:26Sorry.
1:16:27 > 1:16:31You can't tell from one. They can be inaccurate.
1:16:31 > 1:16:35I bought three packets. Two in a packet, that's six.
1:16:35 > 1:16:37You can tell from six.
1:16:38 > 1:16:42What are you going to do?
1:16:47 > 1:16:49Is James Hammerton in?
1:16:49 > 1:16:52I'm afraid not.
1:16:50 > 1:16:52Do you know when he's due back?
1:16:52 > 1:16:59I'm not sure. He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife.
1:16:59 > 1:17:01What?
1:17:01 > 1:17:04Can I take a name and number? Get him to call you?
1:17:06 > 1:17:09Um...no, thank you.
1:17:52 > 1:17:55There's something I want you to know.
1:17:57 > 1:18:01Anna doesn't drink brandy. It makes her vomit.
1:18:03 > 1:18:06Those glasses were not used at the party.
1:18:06 > 1:18:09They only come out for special dinners.
1:18:09 > 1:18:13Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?
1:18:13 > 1:18:16Are you having an affair?
1:18:16 > 1:18:19Just tell me yes or no.
1:18:21 > 1:18:25No. I'm not.
1:18:33 > 1:18:36Helen...look into my eyes.
1:18:36 > 1:18:40I am not having an affair.
1:18:42 > 1:18:43I'm not.
1:18:46 > 1:18:51I shouldn't have brought this up now. I have to go to my interview.
1:18:52 > 1:18:55We'll talk later.
1:18:55 > 1:18:58Are you going to be here when I get back?
1:18:58 > 1:19:01Yes, of course.
1:19:03 > 1:19:05Helen! Listen...
1:19:06 > 1:19:09Good luck, OK?
1:19:16 > 1:19:18PHONE RINGS
1:19:18 > 1:19:21Hello?
1:19:19 > 1:19:21Hi, Anna. Is Helen there?
1:19:21 > 1:19:25You've got a damn nerve phoning here!
1:19:23 > 1:19:25What?
1:19:28 > 1:19:33Anna, just open the door! I don't know what's going on!
1:19:33 > 1:19:37I'll tell you then. She saw you, James.
1:19:37 > 1:19:42At the hospital with your wife. What is it with you bloody men?!
1:19:42 > 1:19:44- Let me see her. - She's not here.
1:19:44 > 1:19:46Where is she?
1:19:45 > 1:19:46I don't know!
1:19:46 > 1:19:49Oh, shit, shit, bollocks!
1:19:49 > 1:19:52Oh, God! You idiot!!
1:20:10 > 1:20:12Clive! You seen Helen?
1:20:12 > 1:20:15No. Why?
1:20:44 > 1:20:46Helen!
1:20:46 > 1:20:49Helen!
1:20:52 > 1:20:56Helen! Helen, you've made a mistake! I am such an idiot!
1:20:56 > 1:20:59Look at me. Listen to me, please!
1:20:59 > 1:21:04No, YOU listen! I never want to see you again!
1:21:04 > 1:21:07I have been through enough for one year!
1:21:07 > 1:21:10I stupidly believed here was a man who was different
1:21:10 > 1:21:13from men, but it is clear I made a mistake!
1:21:13 > 1:21:17Now, please, do me a favour and go away!
1:21:18 > 1:21:20I am married, but I am separated!
1:21:20 > 1:21:24Walk away if you want, but take this with you.
1:21:24 > 1:21:27The woman you saw was a woman I married three years ago!
1:21:27 > 1:21:31We separated six months ago and soon we'll be divorced!
1:21:31 > 1:21:35Nothing aggressive. I didn't tell you before because...
1:21:35 > 1:21:38I don't know why, I...
1:21:38 > 1:21:41I have wanted to tell you so many times and...
1:21:41 > 1:21:46now you've found out another way. I wish I had told you.
1:21:46 > 1:21:48My mother is ill in hospital
1:21:48 > 1:21:53and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretence that we were OK for my mum.
1:21:53 > 1:21:55As a favour.
1:21:55 > 1:21:58She's a very decent woman.
1:21:59 > 1:22:01Do you have a mum, Helen?
1:22:04 > 1:22:10Ten minutes, Lydia. And don't ever turn up at my window again like that.
1:22:10 > 1:22:15It's over. You said it yourself.
1:22:12 > 1:22:15I know. Sorry, I wasn't thinking.
1:22:15 > 1:22:17I just want to show you something.
1:22:24 > 1:22:27Oh, Helen...
1:22:27 > 1:22:30let's make sure we're together for the right reason.
1:22:30 > 1:22:33And right now there is just confusion
1:22:33 > 1:22:36and it can be erased in a split second.
1:22:38 > 1:22:41- KNOCK ON DOOR - Get that, would you?
1:22:53 > 1:22:57Of course, if you don't want to keep it, darling...
1:22:57 > 1:23:01Who is it? Oh, hello again. You're right on time.
1:23:03 > 1:23:06Is this the truth, James?
1:23:17 > 1:23:19Permission to engage the enemy, sir.
1:23:25 > 1:23:27I can't take the interview now.
1:23:27 > 1:23:32I'm discussing whether or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby.
1:23:34 > 1:23:38James...there's something I have to tell you.
1:23:38 > 1:23:42I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way.
1:23:45 > 1:23:48I should just phone Anna and tell her I'm OK.
1:23:50 > 1:23:51Helen...
1:23:53 > 1:23:55I love you.
1:23:55 > 1:23:57Please wait!
1:23:57 > 1:24:00- Let me go! - Helen!
1:23:58 > 1:24:00Helen!
1:24:00 > 1:24:02TYRES SCREECH
1:24:54 > 1:24:57James, are you her husband?
1:24:57 > 1:24:59Er, I will be.
1:24:59 > 1:25:02We're, we're getting married.
1:25:02 > 1:25:04If I could have a quick word.
1:25:06 > 1:25:10Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James.
1:25:10 > 1:25:12Helen has lost her baby, Gerry.
1:25:14 > 1:25:19I'm afraid she's lost her baby. You did know she was pregnant?
1:25:20 > 1:25:23Did you know she was pregnant?
1:25:26 > 1:25:29She will be OK though, won't she?
1:25:29 > 1:25:32She is going to wake up, isn't she?
1:25:45 > 1:25:47MONITOR BEEPS
1:26:21 > 1:26:25Helen, for some reason, I know you can hear me.
1:26:28 > 1:26:32And I'm glad we got things sorted out tonight.
1:26:46 > 1:26:49I'm glad you caught the train that day.
1:27:04 > 1:27:06I am going to make you so happy.
1:27:10 > 1:27:12I promise.
1:27:19 > 1:27:21CONTINUOUS BEEP
1:27:25 > 1:27:28HE SOBS
1:27:41 > 1:27:43MONITOR BEEPS
1:27:56 > 1:27:57Helen?
1:28:01 > 1:28:03Can you hear me?
1:28:04 > 1:28:06Can you hear me, Helen?
1:28:34 > 1:28:39I'm sorry I'm late.
1:28:35 > 1:28:39No problem. Your mother's showing some signs of improvement.
1:28:39 > 1:28:41She's sitting up.
1:28:41 > 1:28:43That's great.
1:29:02 > 1:29:06Helen, I swear...
1:29:10 > 1:29:13I'll do anything you want, darling.
1:29:13 > 1:29:15Will you?
1:29:17 > 1:29:19In that case, I want you to stand up,
1:29:19 > 1:29:21walk over to the door,
1:29:21 > 1:29:25open it, walk through it,
1:29:25 > 1:29:28then close it behind you.
1:29:42 > 1:29:44Ta-ta, Mum.
1:29:46 > 1:29:50# Mama, where's your pretty little girl tonight... #
1:29:50 > 1:29:56Call us if you have any problems.
1:29:52 > 1:29:56Thank you.
1:29:53 > 1:29:56You had a lucky escape.
1:29:56 > 1:29:59You can say that again.
1:29:59 > 1:30:02# She's got a young man waiting
1:30:05 > 1:30:08# Yeah, she's grown up
1:30:08 > 1:30:12# She's got a young man waiting
1:30:14 > 1:30:17# She's wide eyed
1:30:17 > 1:30:19# She'll be street wise
1:30:19 > 1:30:21# To the lies
1:30:21 > 1:30:24# And the jive talk
1:30:24 > 1:30:26# But she'll find true love
1:30:28 > 1:30:31# And tenderness on the block
1:30:33 > 1:30:37# But she'll find true love
1:30:37 > 1:30:39# And tenderness on the block
1:30:43 > 1:30:45# She was wide eyed
1:30:45 > 1:30:48# Now she's street wise... #
1:30:48 > 1:30:50Thank you.
1:30:50 > 1:30:53Cheer up. You know what the Monty Python boys say.
1:30:53 > 1:30:56"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."
1:30:56 > 1:30:58# And tenderness on the block
1:31:01 > 1:31:05# Hey, she's gonna find true love
1:31:06 > 1:31:10# She's gonna find true love
1:31:10 > 1:31:14# She's gonna find true love. #
1:31:14 > 1:31:17MUSIC: "Thank You" by Dido
1:31:19 > 1:31:22# My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
1:31:22 > 1:31:25# I got out of bed at all
1:31:25 > 1:31:28# The morning rain clouds up my window
1:31:28 > 1:31:31# And I can't see at all
1:31:31 > 1:31:34# And even if I could, it'd all be grey
1:31:34 > 1:31:36# Put your picture on my wall
1:31:36 > 1:31:40# It reminds me that it's not so bad
1:31:40 > 1:31:43# It's not so bad
1:31:48 > 1:31:49# I drank too much last night
1:31:49 > 1:31:54# Got bills to pay, my head just feels in pain
1:31:54 > 1:31:57# I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
1:31:57 > 1:31:59# I'm late for work again
1:31:59 > 1:32:03# And even if I'm there they'll all imply
1:32:03 > 1:32:05# That I might not last the day
1:32:05 > 1:32:08# And then you call me and it's not so bad
1:32:08 > 1:32:10# It's not so bad
1:32:10 > 1:32:15# And I want to thank you
1:32:15 > 1:32:18# For giving me the best day
1:32:18 > 1:32:21# Of my life
1:32:22 > 1:32:24# And oh,
1:32:24 > 1:32:27# Just to be with you
1:32:27 > 1:32:31# Is having the best day of my life... #
1:32:31 > 1:32:34IMS Subtitles by Mali Griffiths
1:32:34 > 1:32:36E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk