0:00:00 > 0:00:02This programme contains strong language
0:00:02 > 0:00:04and some violent scenes.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19(SLOW, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
0:00:35 > 0:00:40(MAN NARRATING) Centuries ago, during the dawn of the red moon,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44our peaceful hamlet was terrorised by a beast.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Born not of man, but spewed forth from the fieriest pits of Hades.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54(GRUNTS)
0:00:54 > 0:00:59With an evil fuelled by a hatred of men and a love of women.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Its name - Carmilla, the vampire queen.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07No-one could defeat her, save one man.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12A baron, away for decades fighting in the Crusades.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Upon his return, the baron found that Carmilla's desires
0:01:16 > 0:01:19had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,
0:01:19 > 0:01:24- and turned her into a lover of the vagine.- No!
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Consumed with vengeance, the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla
0:01:29 > 0:01:31and flee the village.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34He unearthed the sacred Books of Nekros,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38where he discovered the only way of slaying this unholy harpy,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41once and for all, was to forge a sacred sword,
0:01:41 > 0:01:46a weapon blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex,...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- ..and infused with his own blood. - (GROANS)
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Without fear, he confronted Carmilla.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58(CARMILLA GRUNTS)
0:01:58 > 0:02:00(SKIN SLASHING) (CARMILLA CRIES)
0:02:00 > 0:02:04But before the baron could strike the fatal blow,...
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- (GRUNTS)- ..Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11As you strike me down, so you shall release evil within me
0:02:11 > 0:02:13into your daughters and your daughters' daughters,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and they shall not rest until your bloodline's ended.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21They will know your breed by these marks above your heart,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24and when the life's blood of the last of your line
0:02:24 > 0:02:26mixes with that of a virgin girl,
0:02:26 > 0:02:32I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35And with that, he lopped her fucking head off.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Henceforth, every woman in our village,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45upon her 18th birthday, is turned by the curse
0:02:45 > 0:02:48and reborn a lesbian vampire.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Our only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day
0:02:52 > 0:02:54when the last descendent of the baron's bloodline
0:02:54 > 0:02:58shall return to this hamlet and vanquish Carmilla's curse for ever.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02That time... has begun.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I'm not happy, Jimmy.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- Why? What did I do wrong?- Things are different to how they used to be.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14I just don't love you any more. No, I love you,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- I'm just not in love with you. - (NEIGHBOURS GRUNTING)
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- You know I'll always love you.- But you say that every time you dump me.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I don't dump you, Jimmy. I just take time out
0:03:24 > 0:03:27to re-evaluate the parameters of our relationship.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32That's what makes us so strong together.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35If we're that strong together, why are you dumping me again?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I'm not dumping you. I just think we're stronger together apart.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42That doesn't even make grammatical sense, so -
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Feel it with your heart and know what I'm saying is true.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- So... you are dumping me? - No.- (GRUNTING GETS LOUDER)
0:03:50 > 0:03:53But, also in a sense, yes.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- (FEMALE NEIGHBOUR) Yes! - Shit.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- I'm not happy, Fletch. - I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Yep, well, your best just isn't good enough.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- What more do you want me to do? - I don't know,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- but this has to be the end of the line.- What?
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- What did I do wrong? - You punched him in the face.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19You know what I get like when people mess with my shit. He had it coming.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21He was seven. You're a children's clown.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26- Old enough to know not to go messing with my shit.- You punched a child.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28He was spraying me with my own seltzer bottle.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- What was I supposed to do? - Not hit him.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Then he shouldn't be spraying my ball sac. It was only a tap.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- You gave him a bloody nose! - Look! I look like I pissed myself!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46I guess I just don't like kids.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I keep telling you, they're a prerequisite of the job.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I know. Slight problem.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- Maybe I could just be a clown for adults.- You're fired.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- Do I get to keep the costume?- No. Drop your costume at the front desk
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch. - (SIGHS)
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Do I get this week's money? - Goodbye, Fletch.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19# I'm cryin' blood
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# I'm cryin' tears from my eyes That I can't deny
0:05:23 > 0:05:26# And I'm fallin' like a comet From the broken sky
0:05:26 > 0:05:27# I'm cryin' blood
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- # I'm cryin' blood - # Oh, oh, oh
0:05:32 > 0:05:35# I'm cryin' tears from my eyes That I can't deny
0:05:35 > 0:05:38# And I'm fallin' like a comet From the broken sky
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- # Oh, how you - # Oh, how you need me
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- # Desperately - # Desperately need me
0:05:43 > 0:05:45# Wish you could... #
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- I've come up with a ten-point plan for getting her back.- Like revenge?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53No, getting her back, not "getting her back" getting her back.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Getting her back. Number one, take her on holiday.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Stop there. That's just fucking stupid.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- The two of us, on our own. We can talk.- On your own?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Like Faliraki when she dumped you
0:06:04 > 0:06:08and banged that water ski instructor with the highlights and necklace?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11She didn't dump me. She told me she was just... confused.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14She could figure out where to put his cock.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- That's my bird you're talking about. - No. No, it isn't. Not any more.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Look, you need to get away from all this shit.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Let us have a wacky adventure, you and me.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I'm not gonna bum you, but I think you could use a distraction.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Say what you like, but you cannot deny I am incredibly distracting.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Some might say annoying. - And that... (SNIFFS)
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- I don't know. Where do you suggest we go?- (Ibiza.) (BLOWS)
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) - The sun, the sea, the sand,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48clubs and fanny.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Lots and lots of fanny.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Loads and loads of fanny.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57A gargantuan amount of vajay,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00all wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,
0:07:00 > 0:07:05and if there's a few stragglers who fancy a go on me, then so be it.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- (RECORD SCRATCHING) - I can't. I'm skint.- What?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I thought you had loads saved up? - I lent it to Judy to buy a car.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18Oh, my God! Why don't you just get "total twat" tattooed on your head?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Can't you see what that witch has done to our lives?
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Relying on that money for my holiday. Our holiday, I mean.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- How much have you got? - Um... (SIGHS)
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Uh, well... Tricky, because I've sort of been sacked.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- You hit another girl?- It was a boy. I don't want to talk about it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39So, what we're essentially saying is that neither of us
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- can afford to go anywhere. - Pretty much.- Brilliant.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45(INSTRUMENTAL POP MUSIC)
0:08:00 > 0:08:03(KNOCKS DOOR)
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- I've finally done it! - Done what?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Get the champers on ice. I'm all yours, honey.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- Oh, bloody hell.- And I've left him for good this time,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- so you and me can have some fun. - (ZIP OPENING)
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Uh...- (GIGGLES) - You've done what?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- Let's celebrate. Naughty boy! (LAUGHS)- (FOOTSTEPS)
0:08:29 > 0:08:34- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- I'm his girlfriend. - Really?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- I'm his wife. - (SCOFFS)
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- (EXHALES) Right. - (ZIP CLOSING)- I...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47(SCOFFS)
0:08:48 > 0:08:53- Steve, get back here!- In my defence, I never meant for you to find out.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55(SLAPPING SOUND)
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- I got a plan. - Does it involve girls?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- It's cheap. - Yeah. Does it involve girls?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Let's go hiking.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14(LAUGHS)
0:09:15 > 0:09:20That is one of the most depressingly shitty ideas for a holiday
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I've ever heard in my life, ever.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- It's a great idea. - You're a penis!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- (THUNDER RUMBLING)- Wherever it lands on the map, we go there.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Leave it to the hands of fate. A proper adventure.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- What do you say?- No. - It'll be brilliant.- It'll be shit.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Let the dart show us the way.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Alright, then. Fuck it. I'm only agreeing to this
0:09:44 > 0:09:47cos I'm feeling for you right now, and because I'm...
0:09:47 > 0:09:52..unbelievably shitfaced. Throw it like you mean it, McLaren!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I never heard of it. How do you say it? Crag...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Cragwi... Cragwich?
0:10:16 > 0:10:22It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Christ, you're a tit!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39(INHALES / EXHALES)
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- Get that. Country air. Nothing like it.- (COW MOOING)
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Smells like normal air with cow shit in it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Exactly. Nothing like the pervading stench of faeces
0:10:48 > 0:10:51to take your mind off your troubles.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- (BIRDS FLYING AWAY / CAWING)- Have you brought anything besides beer?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57(FLIES BUZZING)
0:11:01 > 0:11:03You expecting a water bomb fight or something?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09(ANIMAL GRUNTING)
0:11:09 > 0:11:12(MOBILE PHONE RINGING - ALARM TONE)
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Hello? - "(JUDY) Jimmy, it's me."- Judy?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Yes! Look, Jimmy, I've been thinking,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21and I realise I've made a terrible mistake.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25I want to come back, Jimmy. I... love you.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- (CRACKLING) - What?- I love you!- Hello?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- (JUDY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) - (CLEARS THROAT)
0:11:31 > 0:11:36- I can't hear... Hello? - (BOTH MOUTH WORDS)- Judy?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40I'll drive to meet you. We can talk, the two of us.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43We can work everything out. When I get there, you can wear my panties.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49(CRACKLING / BEEPING)
0:11:52 > 0:11:54(BIRDS CAWING)
0:11:54 > 0:11:59- Why'd you do that? - We are here to hike.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03But... I can't fucking believe you just done that!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05OK, maybe I did overreact a bit, and I'm sorry.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Jim!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13(THUNDER RUMBLING)
0:12:14 > 0:12:16(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)
0:12:18 > 0:12:21(PANTS) Hold up a minute.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24(COUGHS / GROANS)
0:12:24 > 0:12:27(BREAKS WIND / COUGHS)
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Can't we take a little rest? I'm getting a stitch.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36We've only been walking for... three minutes.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Yeah, but you're not walking. You're virtually running.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- It's like you're in a mood with me. - I can't imagine why. Can you?
0:12:43 > 0:12:48- You're getting a real attitude. - Oh, fuck off.- No, you fuck off!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I've dragged my arse to some leafy shithole I can't even pronounce,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54for you, and look how ungrateful you're being.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone whilst Judy was trying to make up.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00What? Like the last seven times?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03You're a mental case, holding out for that serial dumper
0:13:03 > 0:13:07to have you back for the... drum roll, please... eighth fucking time!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10That's why we're here rather than somewhere it might be possible
0:13:10 > 0:13:15to engage a single solitary woman in so much as a polite conversation!
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- There might be girls. - Will there balls.- (DOOR SLAMMING)
0:13:20 > 0:13:22(WOMEN LAUGHING)
0:13:22 > 0:13:24(GLAM ROCK MUSIC)
0:13:30 > 0:13:33# Woman You know you, woman
0:13:33 > 0:13:35# You got to be a woman
0:13:35 > 0:13:37# I've got the feeling of love
0:13:37 > 0:13:40# When you're talking to me
0:13:40 > 0:13:44# You see right through me I've got the feeling of love
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# She's a woman, you know what I mean
0:13:47 > 0:13:51# You better listen, listen to me
0:13:51 > 0:13:53# She's gonna set you free
0:13:53 > 0:13:55# Yeah, yeah
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- (WOMEN LAUGHING) - What are the chances?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Come on, Jim. They came from there. - Yeah. So?
0:14:21 > 0:14:26"So"? Are you some kind of eunuch or something?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It's not bad enough she's robbed you of brains,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32but testicles too. Sorry, I'm claiming your testicles back.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36No, not... Not that I literally want your test...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39That's just sick. Look. They're just the beginning.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42These rural places are renowned for breeding the creme de la creme
0:14:42 > 0:14:45of the finest female form. It's the fresh air, innit?
0:14:45 > 0:14:49They go a bundle for city boys like you and me. Impressive we are, mate.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I guarantee this place will be wall to wall
0:14:52 > 0:14:56with rosy-cheeked English maidens, like that lot, but even dirtier.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
0:14:59 > 0:15:03(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) (SHEEP BLEATS)
0:15:03 > 0:15:08- It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.- Don't sweat it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12The womenfolk are all off braiding their hair
0:15:12 > 0:15:16in some kind of naked fertility ceremony or something.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19That village green will be full of heaving tits by sundown.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- These guys look weird. - (Just relax.)
0:15:22 > 0:15:24(They're just blokes, like you and I.)
0:15:24 > 0:15:27(They like a beer, enjoy a scented candle.)
0:15:27 > 0:15:31(They're my kind of people. I can relate.) Stick with me.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Good morrow. (WEST COUNTRY ACCENT) Two flagons of ale, please, sir.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53There you go. Compliments of the house, lads.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05(WEAKLY) Thank you.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10(SHEEP BLEATS)
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Keep it together, mate. Keep it together.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I'm just a bit worried I'm gonna get raped.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34So, how many more, Tom? How many more?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Don't you be all high and mighty with me, vicar.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40We have to stop this madness.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Reckon that's his daughter? - If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- We can't let more innocent people die!- Then what? They'll come for us!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Oh. Aye, aye.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Don't you see they have us already? Our women are cursed,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55and we are spineless fools who let it happen.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I know it's hard, vicar, what with your Rebecca turning 18 and all.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- 18? Love it. - Together we can stop this.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06- (ROOSTER CROWING)- You are either with me or against me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- (FLETCH) What a tosser. - Who is with me?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12(COWS MOOING)
0:17:15 > 0:17:18No, it can't be.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20No, that's impossible.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- It can't be you. What is your name? - Oi!- Oi, this cost 25 quid, mate!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- That is enough, Father. Enough! - Daddy!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Come, child.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- (DOOR CLOSING) - Does he know you?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Have you been hanging out with vicars?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- Never seen him before in my life. - Sorry about that, lads.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Here you go. No hard feelings, eh?
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Sorry for the vicar. He's a strange sort.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55If you lads want a bed for the night,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58there be a cottage, the old Mircalla place,
0:17:58 > 0:18:03- not two miles down the road.- Oh, that's great, but how much is it?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Cos we're a bit light on the old - - Money.- Oh, it don't cost nothing.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12The doors are always open. Any weary traveller
0:18:12 > 0:18:15can expect a nice, long rest.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- (SHEEP BLEATING) - You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22One thing I like more than free booze is a free bed.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Thank you very much. That's very kind.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I sent some beautiful young girls down there not too long ago.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37(LIGHTNING CRACKLING)
0:18:39 > 0:18:42(DISTANT POP MUSIC)
0:18:42 > 0:18:45(ALL) # Mind if you take off All your clothes
0:18:45 > 0:18:46# Come on, take 'em off
0:18:46 > 0:18:49# I like you so much better When you're naked
0:18:49 > 0:18:51# I like me so much better When you're naked
0:18:51 > 0:18:54# I like you so much better When you're naked
0:18:54 > 0:18:59(SINGING CONTINUES) (ENGINE SPLUTTERING)
0:18:59 > 0:19:02# I like you so much... # (ENGINE SPLUTTERING)
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- What's wrong with it? - Come on, come on.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07D-D-D-Don't break down on us now. Come on!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- (ENGINE DIES) - Come on! What?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)
0:19:18 > 0:19:21(GASPS) (IGNITION SPLUTTERING)
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Come on! - That'll really help, Lotte(!)
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- We're screwed! - Ja.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Great. We're in the middle of nowhere, miles from anywhere.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Are you sure you put petrol in?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Anke, for the fifth time, yes. - Just checking.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Well, let us walk to the cottage. We must be close.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42The landlord said it was only a few miles.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Ja. - We're closer to the inn.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- We should go back there and get help.- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Ja. Ja.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I'm only going back there with knives. Those men were freaky.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- I think we should stay with the van. - Ja.- (ENGINE SPLUTTERS)- Oh.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04(SCRAPING)
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Do you hear that? - What is it?- (RUMBLING)
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- (GASPS) - (There's something out there.)
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Stop scaring us, Lotte. - Ja.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21(CLATTERING / SCRAPING) Listen, listen!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25(CLICKING) It's coming from the roof!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- (SQUEALS) - It is probably just a branch.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- A branch? - Ja, ja.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48(EXHALES DEEPLY)
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- (ALL LAUGH) - I told you!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53(BANGS GLASS) (ALL SCREAM)
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Evening, ladies. - Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Excuse us. Our van just broke down, and we were a little bit spooked.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Seems OK now. - Anyhow, hi, I-I-I'm Lotte.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. (EXHALES) Hello, girls.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Beer? - Yeah!- Oh, ja!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Ja, ja, ja!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- You're my type of girl. - (FLETCH AND WOMEN LAUGHING)
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Ah. The name's Fletch. (LAUGHS)
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- What's your name? - That's my man, Jimmy.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37He recently had his heart broken by the woman he loves. It's tragic.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- (WOMEN) Oh! - It's just tragic. Really is.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Hello, Jimmy. - Alright.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48So, what are four lovely ladies like you doing here on a night like this?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50We're on our way to the Mircalla cottage.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53(SPLUTTERS)
0:21:53 > 0:21:56There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
0:21:56 > 0:22:00These girls are all going to the exact same cottage that we are.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03(WOMEN SHRIEK)
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Great. Great.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Do you want to ride with us? - Thanks. That's very nice of you.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- Oh, yeah!- Take a seat. - When in Rome. (CHUCKLES)
0:22:15 > 0:22:20- Be careful. You know what happens. - Relax. It's fine. (CHUCKLES)
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- (ANKE) OK, let's go. - (COUGHS)
0:22:28 > 0:22:30(WOMEN LAUGH)
0:22:30 > 0:22:32(WOMEN LAUGHING / CHEERING)
0:22:37 > 0:22:41A couple of young fellows were in here not an hour ago.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Directed them towards the cottage not a couple of miles down the road.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- What? Just carry on down the road? - Yeah. There you go, miss.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Carry straight on down and you can't fail to see it, so you can't.
0:22:53 > 0:22:59- Now, she was a pretty one. - They always are, Sidney.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons, every last one of them.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06(SPITS)
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Pint, Jack?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Wow.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- Wow. This place is amazing! - Oh, I love it!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- Oh, cool! - They got beers!
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- Can we actually move here? - (WOMEN) Yeah!- Yes, let's move in!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49(CHEERING FROM INSIDE)
0:23:53 > 0:23:55(CHATTERING FROM INSIDE)
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- # "Hot, Hot, Hot" - Arrow - Let's party!- We need Schnapps!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up! - (CHATTERING)- Alright! Yes!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10J-man? Bottoms up!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- (ALL) Bottoms up! - Cocks in.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Oh, yummy!- (ALL CHEER) Let's dance!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19(GRUNTS / SPLUTTERS)
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# Feelin' hot, hot, hot
0:24:26 > 0:24:28# Feelin' hot, hot, hot
0:24:40 > 0:24:44This might be the best night of my entire fucking life!
0:24:46 > 0:24:50Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52(ALL CHATTER / CHEER)
0:24:53 > 0:24:54# Let me rum-bum-bum-bum
0:24:57 > 0:25:01- # Let me rum-bum-bum-bum - Ho-ho! I love hiking!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05# Ole, ole, ole, ole
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# Ole, ole, ole, ole
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# Let me rum-bum-bum-bum
0:25:10 > 0:25:12(WIND BLOWING)
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- # Let me rum-bum-bum-bum - Take your clothes off!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18- Take your clothes off! - # Feelin' hot, hot, hot
0:25:18 > 0:25:21(ALL CHATTER / LAUGH) # Feelin' hot, hot, hot #
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Do you know of Carmilla? - (GASPS)
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- Uh, no. Is that who it is? - Yes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- Carmilla. She's why we're all here. - Eh?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38We're students of folklore and ancient superstition.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42We're on a field trip. This village is home to the legend of Carmilla,
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- the vampire queen. - Vampire queen?
0:25:45 > 0:25:49According to legend, she's much more than your average vampire queen.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Some say she's 2,000 years old.
0:25:51 > 0:25:57- You believe in Dungeons And Dragons rubbish?- We're very superstitious.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Cragwich is particularly fascinating to me.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02The book of folklore tells the story of this village
0:26:02 > 0:26:05and what Carmilla did to it and its daughters.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,
0:26:07 > 0:26:12and the bravest woman quivers with desire at the mention of her name.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Carmilla, the vampire queen.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# "Saturday Night" - Whigfield
0:26:19 > 0:26:20# Saturday
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- # Saturday - Hey! Jimmy Peon!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- # Saturday night - Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32It is your turn to go with the larger one.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- Too many beers. I need to make a piss.- The bog's outside.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- What? It's... It's dark out there. - Heidi!
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- Are you afraid Carmilla will get you? - Anke, don't be mean.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45OK, OK, I'm sorry.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50- Don't worry. I will go with her. - (SHRIEKS) Stop it!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Watch this. # Here come the beers
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- # Here come the beers, ja? # - Ooh, ja!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?
0:27:01 > 0:27:05- Ja! (LAUGHS) - She's pretending to bum me.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Oh, his heart's in the right place.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11It's just a shame his brain's in his dick.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- Think his ying-yang is big as well? - Ying-yang?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25(DOOR CREAKING)
0:27:30 > 0:27:32(SHIVERS)
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- (BREAKS WIND / URINATES) - # I like you so much better
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# When you're naked #
0:27:38 > 0:27:40(WIND HOWLING)
0:27:44 > 0:27:46(SOFT HAWAIIAN MUSIC)
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Alright, which one do you want, then?
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Haven't thought about it.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Which one do you fancy? Which one do you like the most?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Just answer the question. - Alright, then. Lotte.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- She seems really nice and friendly. - Mmm-hmm.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- And it's like she's got this pure spirit.- Hmm.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20She's just really sweet. She's got the prettiest eyes.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24It's like looking into bottomless pools.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- And you? - Trudi.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Massive tits, never speaks.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31(SNIFFS)
0:28:33 > 0:28:35(SNIFFS) Yeah, Trudi, you stink.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Ja. Ja.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- (SNIFFS) Oh, ja. - (GIGGLES)
0:28:44 > 0:28:47(DISTORTED WHISPERING)
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Hurry up! (RUSTLING)
0:28:49 > 0:28:51(WIND HOWLING)
0:28:52 > 0:28:55(RUSTLING)
0:28:55 > 0:28:59(WOMAN WHISPERING) Anke.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01(WOMAN GROANING)
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- (DRAMATIC MUSIC) - Anke?
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- (CLATTERING / THUDDING) - Anke, stop it. It isn't funny!
0:29:09 > 0:29:12- (VOICE WHISPERING) Heidi. - (LIGHT FIZZLES OUT)
0:29:12 > 0:29:14- (BANGS TORCH) - Fuck!
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- Anke, answer me now. It's not funny! - (CLATTERING CONTINUES)
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- (THUDDING) - Anke!
0:29:26 > 0:29:28(WHIMPERS)
0:29:30 > 0:29:32(CLATTERING)
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Anke?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40(DOOR CREAKING)
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Anke? Anke!
0:29:47 > 0:29:49(ROARING)
0:29:49 > 0:29:54- Why are they taking so long?- She's probably just having a massive shit.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59(MUSIC WINDS DOWN / STOPS)
0:30:00 > 0:30:03(MOANS)
0:30:07 > 0:30:11(ELECTRICAL SIZZLING) (DISTORTED WHISPERING)
0:30:14 > 0:30:16(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)
0:30:18 > 0:30:21- (CONTINUES MOANING) - (WOMAN WHISPERING) Tru-di.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26- (GASPS) - (WOMAN WHISPERING) Tru-di.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29(FLOOR CREAKING)
0:30:29 > 0:30:31(WIND HOWLING)
0:30:36 > 0:30:38(FLOOR CREAKING)
0:30:44 > 0:30:46(WIND HOWLING)
0:30:59 > 0:31:01(SCREAMS)
0:31:10 > 0:31:12(SCREAMS) (GLASS SMASHING)
0:31:12 > 0:31:14(GASPS) Quickly!
0:31:16 > 0:31:19- (TRUDI SCREAMING) - Trudi!- (OBJECTS SHATTERING)
0:31:19 > 0:31:23- We've got to get in there! - OK. Stand back.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Christ. That thing is rock-solid.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34- I must have weakened it. - Yeah, right.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44- Look. - Blood.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47(WOMAN WHISPERING) Come.
0:31:51 > 0:31:56- What was that? - I don't know, but let's go find out.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- Is she serious? - We have to do something, don't we?
0:31:59 > 0:32:03This is all getting weird. Women missing, towels covered in blood.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06- It's more of a light spotting. - Oh, that's alright, then.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09We heard her in here and now she's nowhere to be seen.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- That is very fucking weird. - Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- You like Trudi, don't you? - Not that much.
0:32:16 > 0:32:21- That's just weak, man. - For Christ's sake.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)
0:32:34 > 0:32:37(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Oh, God! (GRUNTS)
0:32:39 > 0:32:42(SIGHS) For God's sake!
0:32:47 > 0:32:51I only got it seen to last week!
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Oh, my... Oh, come on!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Shit! (SQUEALS)
0:32:55 > 0:32:58(GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION / SIGHS)
0:32:59 > 0:33:02(DIALS BEEPING)
0:33:06 > 0:33:09- "Hi, you're through to Jimmy. Please leave a message."- (SQUEALS)
0:33:09 > 0:33:12You are so dead, Jimmy!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15(WOMAN WHISPERING) Judy? Judy.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18(ECHOES) Judy.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Anke!
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Heidi?
0:33:25 > 0:33:27Trudi?
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- Anything? - No.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?
0:33:42 > 0:33:45- Told you there was no-one out here. - Trudi?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48Probably just gone for a walk or... something.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Let's head inside. I've still got some beers.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53- Oh, shit! - (WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
0:33:53 > 0:33:56(WOMAN WHISPERING) Lotte.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- It's over there. - I heard it too.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Look, I know something really wrong is happening here,
0:34:03 > 0:34:06but is there any chance we can just ignore it?
0:34:06 > 0:34:08(JIMMY) Fletch! Come on!
0:34:11 > 0:34:14(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
0:34:25 > 0:34:29(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY) (DISTORTED GROANING)
0:34:30 > 0:34:32(GROANING)
0:35:00 > 0:35:04It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07- Vampires? - Vampires?
0:35:07 > 0:35:10(WHISPERING) Lesbian vampires.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Nice one.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17- (ROARS) - Whoa! (YELLS)
0:35:22 > 0:35:25Agh! Fucking hell, she's strong.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30- Jimmy! - (ROARS)- Shit.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Jimmy!
0:35:36 > 0:35:39(LIQUID SLOSHING) (SPLUTTERS) Uh?
0:35:39 > 0:35:43- (BREATHES HEAVILY) - (GRUNTS)
0:35:43 > 0:35:46- She's not so strong now. - (BOTH GRUNT)
0:35:49 > 0:35:51(GRUNTS)
0:35:52 > 0:35:54(LIQUID GURGLING)
0:35:57 > 0:36:00(GRUNTS)
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Ah! Rank!
0:36:09 > 0:36:12(GROANS) (LIQUID GURGLING)
0:36:15 > 0:36:17(BREAKS WIND)
0:36:17 > 0:36:21- (LIQUID GURGLING) - Is that it?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25No explosion or...
0:36:25 > 0:36:28..turning into burning ash or... nothing, no?
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- (BUBBLING) - Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35I'm just glad she's dead. I can hold out for the fucking fireworks.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38The legends,... they're true.
0:36:38 > 0:36:42This is madness. What's become of my friends?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44- (WOMAN SOFTLY SHOUTING) Lotte. - Oh, crap.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51- (Join us.) - Ja.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56- I think they want you to say something.- Never.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59(ALL SNARL)
0:36:59 > 0:37:02- Don't think they wanted you to say that.- Fuck this! Run, you bell-ends!
0:37:04 > 0:37:06(VAMPIRES SNARLING)
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Come on, you silly fuckers!
0:37:15 > 0:37:19- (SNARLS) - (BOTH GASP)- (Now you will join us.)
0:37:19 > 0:37:23- (GRUNTS) - (LIQUID SLOSHING)- Hmm.
0:37:24 > 0:37:27- Get in. - (VAMPIRES LAUGHING)
0:37:30 > 0:37:34Oh, my God! Did you see that? That might be the coolest thing I've done
0:37:34 > 0:37:36in my entire fucking life. Brrrrap!
0:37:36 > 0:37:39I've always been good at cricket. Maybe it's my guns.
0:37:39 > 0:37:44- Fletch, please shut up.- Sorry, I'm just nervous. This is fucked up!
0:37:44 > 0:37:46Where did they go?
0:37:46 > 0:37:51(WOMAN WHISPERING) Before sunrise, you will all belong to us.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Shit, shit, shit, shit. What are we going to do?
0:37:56 > 0:38:00- We're going to die horribly.- For Christ's sake. You're not helping.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- Calm down. Have a beer. - We need to get out of here!
0:38:03 > 0:38:07- Come up with a plan then, Einstein. - Hold on. The van.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09The van. Good plan. Great plan.
0:38:09 > 0:38:13- Genius.- (CLATTERING) - I don't even want to know.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15- What are we going to do now? - (LOTTE GRUNTS)
0:38:15 > 0:38:20(GRUNTS) Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23Arm ourselves with anything that we can plunge
0:38:23 > 0:38:25straight through their hell-whore hearts.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28Again, great idea. Like it. Plunging sharp objects.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31Hell-whore hearts. Let's fucking have it!
0:38:31 > 0:38:33(POUNDING)
0:38:33 > 0:38:36(LOTTE GASPS)
0:38:36 > 0:38:39(CD STARTS PLAYING) (POUNDING CONTINUES)
0:38:39 > 0:38:42(CD SKIPPING)
0:38:42 > 0:38:45- (JUDY) Jimmy! - Judy?
0:38:45 > 0:38:49What? Don't open the fucking door! Jesus!
0:38:50 > 0:38:54- Judy, get in, quick. - Oh, my God!
0:38:54 > 0:38:56- What the hell is going on? - What are you doing here?
0:38:56 > 0:39:00- Something was chasing me. - Vampires.
0:39:00 > 0:39:05- What?- Yep. Lesbian vampires. - How ridiculous.
0:39:05 > 0:39:09No, just another of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12Even dead women would sooner sleep with each other than get with me,
0:39:12 > 0:39:15but eating me alive? Oh, no, that's fine.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18- Lesbian vampires? - Next time he'll have me bummed
0:39:18 > 0:39:22- by a big gay werewolf, I swear. - Come on, we need to lie down.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31- Who's that? - Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34She keeps breaking up with him, getting him back,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37breaking up with him, getting him back, you know?
0:39:40 > 0:39:42- I hate her. - Me too.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Man, this pisses me off.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48I've been saving myself for the right man,
0:39:48 > 0:39:50someone I can really have feelings for.
0:39:50 > 0:39:55- I finally meet him, and... - What, you like Jimmy?- Yes, I do,
0:39:55 > 0:40:00but between her and the vampires, I'll probably die a virgin tonight.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02(CHUCKLES)
0:40:04 > 0:40:08Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a virgin?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- Um, yeah. - (EXHALES)
0:40:11 > 0:40:13(WIND WHISTLING)
0:40:26 > 0:40:29(LOUD WHISPERING)
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Oh, for God's sake, girl, cover yourself up!
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Daddy, I'm not a child any more.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- Don't try me, girl. - (GRUNTS)
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Jimmy,...
0:40:57 > 0:41:01..I know you have every right to hate me,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04but I just want you to know
0:41:04 > 0:41:07that I'm so happy you let me through the door.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11I-I don't hate you. Well, not completely.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14I just don't know what I keep doing that you don't like.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17It's not you, Jimmy, it's me.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I'm glad you realise that, because if this is gonna work,
0:41:21 > 0:41:25- you're gonna have to change. - Oh, I've changed.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27But how... How do I know that?
0:41:27 > 0:41:31How can I trust you? You're gonna have to show me you're different.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34Oh, I'm different.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37- (SNARLS) - (GASPS / PANTS)
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Give me one...
0:41:39 > 0:41:43..last... kiss.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46- Ya! - (GASPS)
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Huh?
0:41:53 > 0:41:55- (SNARLS) - (YELPS)
0:41:55 > 0:41:57(GRUNTS)
0:41:57 > 0:42:00(SNARLS)
0:42:00 > 0:42:02- Ah! - (GRUNTS)
0:42:02 > 0:42:04(SNARLS)
0:42:07 > 0:42:09(GRUNTS)
0:42:09 > 0:42:12(CAN-CAN MUSIC)
0:42:14 > 0:42:18- (GURGLING) - (SNARLS)
0:42:18 > 0:42:20(SQUELCHING)
0:42:25 > 0:42:27- (YELLS) - (SCREAMS)
0:42:30 > 0:42:32(YELLS / PANTS)
0:42:41 > 0:42:44(PANTS)
0:42:48 > 0:42:52Probably best you remember her the way she was, mate.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56- A complete fucking bitch. - (SQUELCHING)- Aah.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58(EXHALES)
0:43:00 > 0:43:03Mate, thanks for saving my life.
0:43:03 > 0:43:07Hey, you know me, fella. I got your back.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10Always have, always will.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15- Right, got 'em.- What are you doing? - What do you think?
0:43:15 > 0:43:18- Lotte was gonna -- You know what they say about extreme situations
0:43:18 > 0:43:21bringing people together, and this, as I keep pointing out,
0:43:21 > 0:43:25- is an extreme fucking situation. - Bit seedy, innit?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Look, she's worried she'll die a virgin, and frankly,
0:43:28 > 0:43:30I'll take any opportunity I can get.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Emotional vulnerability, fear of death,
0:43:32 > 0:43:35- vampire attacks, I don't give a shit.- (FOOTSTEPS)
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Hi.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40How you doing?
0:43:40 > 0:43:43- What happened? - Oh, God. Um...
0:43:43 > 0:43:48(CLEARS THROAT) As I suspected,...
0:43:48 > 0:43:50- ..Judy was a vampire. - We killed her.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54Fantastic.
0:44:05 > 0:44:08- Oh, man, I'm going for a piss. - What, outside?
0:44:08 > 0:44:11Do I look like a twat?
0:44:19 > 0:44:23(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (BOTH GASP)
0:44:25 > 0:44:27- (GASPS) - Oh, God! Oh, God!
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Oh, God! Oh, gosh! Oh, God! Oh, God!
0:44:30 > 0:44:33Why aren't they coming in? Judy walked in.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36No, they have to be invited in. You invited Judy in.
0:44:37 > 0:44:39- Oh. - (DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS)
0:44:40 > 0:44:45- So, all we have to do is sit tight till morning?- Hmm.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48It's not like I'm gonna say, "Hey, lesbian vampires,
0:44:48 > 0:44:51come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?
0:45:00 > 0:45:03- Still got it, fella. - (URINATES)
0:45:04 > 0:45:07Look, I was being ironic.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09Guys?
0:45:11 > 0:45:13(HISSES)
0:45:18 > 0:45:20(WHISPERING) McLaren.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23- She knows my name. - That's not a good sign.
0:45:23 > 0:45:28(SNIFFS) She is pure.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34- (SCREAMS) - Fletch!
0:45:40 > 0:45:43When in Rome...
0:45:43 > 0:45:46(RATTLING / SKIN SLAPPING)
0:45:48 > 0:45:50(VOICES WHISPERING)
0:45:50 > 0:45:53- (DOOR BANGING) Get away from him!- Fuck off!
0:45:54 > 0:45:56(ZIP CLOSING)
0:46:01 > 0:46:03(GRUNTS)
0:46:04 > 0:46:06(VAMPIRE SNARLS)
0:46:06 > 0:46:09(GASPS FOR BREATH)
0:46:09 > 0:46:11(GROWLS)
0:46:11 > 0:46:14- (SCREECHES) - Fuck.
0:46:16 > 0:46:20- (SNARLS)- Nice. (YELLS) - Get her into the shower!
0:46:20 > 0:46:24- (YELLS) - Quick! Quick!
0:46:24 > 0:46:27- (SCREAMS) - Quick! Turn it on!
0:46:27 > 0:46:29(YELLS)
0:46:29 > 0:46:33- Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.- (SCREAMS)
0:46:33 > 0:46:36Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is...
0:46:36 > 0:46:40- Give us this day... Push her back! She must stay underwater.- (SCREAMS)
0:46:40 > 0:46:42Push her back! Push her back under!
0:46:42 > 0:46:46- (SCREAMS)- Oh, God! - Keep her under! Don't let her go!
0:46:46 > 0:46:50And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
0:46:50 > 0:46:54- Fuck off!- As we forgive those who trespass against us...- (SCREAMS)
0:46:54 > 0:46:56- Fuck off! - Keep going.
0:46:56 > 0:47:00Fucking hell! Kumbaya!
0:47:00 > 0:47:03For Thine is the kingdom. Jesus compels you!
0:47:03 > 0:47:06Oh, God, I love Jesus! I love you, Jesus.
0:47:06 > 0:47:11- And the glory for ever. - # All things bright and beautiful #
0:47:11 > 0:47:13- For ever and ever. - (SCREAMS)
0:47:18 > 0:47:20- Amen. - Ugh!
0:47:20 > 0:47:24- What the fuck? - We need to go quickly.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27- Your friends have already been taken. - Ah, shite.
0:47:27 > 0:47:30- There's no time to waste. Let's go! - Hang on.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33- How did you know this was happening? - You were all sent as sacrifices.
0:47:33 > 0:47:38It's an age-old deal. The villagers supply a stream of fresh blood.
0:47:38 > 0:47:40In return, they get to keep their cowardly hides.
0:47:40 > 0:47:44So, we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot dykes?
0:47:44 > 0:47:47To my shame, yes. Your friend's arrival in our hamlet
0:47:47 > 0:47:50is no coincidence. It's divine intervention
0:47:50 > 0:47:53- fulfilling a primordial prophecy. - Balls!
0:47:53 > 0:47:57Does he bear a birthmark? Five red scratches around here?
0:47:57 > 0:48:00- Yeah. - His bloodline is the key
0:48:00 > 0:48:03to the resurrection of the purest evil known to mankind,
0:48:03 > 0:48:07- Carmilla, the vampire queen. - Eh?
0:48:07 > 0:48:10And the only thing that can lift this village
0:48:10 > 0:48:13from a centuries-old curse that turns every woman
0:48:13 > 0:48:16on her 18th birthday into a vampire.
0:48:16 > 0:48:20My daughter, Rebecca, becomes 18 within hours.
0:48:20 > 0:48:22Right. Look, I know you mean well, I really do,
0:48:22 > 0:48:25and I love the vibe, the hat. You look amazing,
0:48:25 > 0:48:27but I've seen a lot of weird shit,
0:48:27 > 0:48:31and even under these circumstances, this is a stretch.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34Jimmy's not the Messiah! He can barely wipe his own arse.
0:48:34 > 0:48:37I understand your confusion. Let's be on our way!
0:48:37 > 0:48:40Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?
0:48:40 > 0:48:43- Back to the village. There's no time to waste.- Fuck that noise.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46- I'm sorry? - I'm not going back out there.
0:48:46 > 0:48:50I've nearly been eaten three times by the hottest women I've ever met.
0:48:50 > 0:48:54- Starting to become a bind.- But it's not too late to save your friends,
0:48:54 > 0:48:56this village, the entire world!
0:48:56 > 0:49:00Well, best of luck with it. Hope you get on alright. In a bit.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02Are you fucking with me?
0:49:02 > 0:49:05- Are you allowed to swear? - Shut up.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08Are you telling me you'd let eternal darkness
0:49:08 > 0:49:12sweep over this planet and leave your friends to die? Your friends?
0:49:12 > 0:49:15I only really know Jimmy. I just met the girl tonight, so...
0:49:15 > 0:49:19OK,... stay here and die.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26(SIGHS)
0:49:30 > 0:49:34- What's with all the scratches?- The cruciform. It drives the beasts away.
0:49:35 > 0:49:38- It looks shit. - Just get in.
0:49:38 > 0:49:42- (ENGINE STARTING)- OK, scratch-master. Where the fuck are we going?
0:49:44 > 0:49:46The tomb of your friend's great ancestor.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
0:50:16 > 0:50:18Fletch!
0:50:25 > 0:50:28(VOICE ECHOING) Sisters.
0:50:29 > 0:50:34A moment that has infested our dreams and our desires
0:50:34 > 0:50:38for what seems like an eternity
0:50:38 > 0:50:41is finally upon us.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47(SNIFFS)
0:50:47 > 0:50:49(MOANING)
0:50:50 > 0:50:56For this night, the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,...
0:50:57 > 0:51:02..and our queen shall rise again.
0:51:02 > 0:51:06- Carmilla? - The vampire queen?- (GRUNTS)
0:51:07 > 0:51:09- Hmm-hmm? - Sorry. Carry on.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15So, his blood mixed with my virgin blood brings her back?
0:51:15 > 0:51:17You know a lot, pretty one.
0:51:17 > 0:51:21I've heard of Carmilla, but never have I heard of you.
0:51:21 > 0:51:25- Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books.- (GASPS)
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Well,...
0:51:33 > 0:51:37(SNIFFS) ..soon she will know of you.
0:51:39 > 0:51:44And with her resurrection, this land will be ensnared for ever
0:51:44 > 0:51:48in the dawn of the red moon.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55(MOUTHS) McLaren.
0:51:55 > 0:52:00- These are your final moments on Earth.- Oh. Mmm.
0:52:00 > 0:52:02(VAMPIRES MOANING)
0:52:08 > 0:52:12The final resting place of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.
0:52:12 > 0:52:16Jimmy's the reason I ended up in this shithole?
0:52:16 > 0:52:18He is our salvation and our only hope.
0:52:18 > 0:52:22The prophecy foretold of this, when the last of the McLaren clan returns.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25With his blood and that of a virgin, Carmilla shall rise.
0:52:25 > 0:52:29Concealed in this tomb is the weapon that can slay the beast for ever.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32- The sword of Daeldo. - And what's that, then?
0:52:32 > 0:52:36Daeldo, the god of lust, said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe
0:52:36 > 0:52:40in the underworld of Hades. A hideous multi-tentacled beast.
0:52:40 > 0:52:43The only brave enough to have tried to penetrate Carmilla's depths,
0:52:43 > 0:52:45and paid for it with his life.
0:52:45 > 0:52:48Let me get this straight. Your plan is,
0:52:48 > 0:52:50wait for this bitch to be resurrected,
0:52:50 > 0:52:53stake her with the sword thus rescuing my mate,
0:52:53 > 0:52:56curing your daughter, ending the curse and saving the planet.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58Exactly. So, are you with me?
0:52:58 > 0:53:01Not really. I ain't got much fucking choice, have I?
0:53:01 > 0:53:04(BELL TOLLS) (GASPS) Here, you do this.
0:53:04 > 0:53:08- I need to check on my Rebecca.- What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?
0:53:08 > 0:53:12- Concealed within this tomb is... - Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19This is officially the worst holiday ever.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23(GRUNTS)
0:53:23 > 0:53:25(BELL CONTINUES TOLLING)
0:53:33 > 0:53:35(HEARTBEAT THUMPING)
0:53:41 > 0:53:45- So there's a red moon, right? - Forget about the red moon, Jimmy.
0:53:45 > 0:53:49- She said the last McLaren will fall. - Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Oh. Well,...
0:53:53 > 0:53:57- ..that'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks. - Shut up. I'm thinking.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00What can you be thinking about at a time like this?
0:54:00 > 0:54:02- How we are going to escape. - Fantastic. Any ideas?
0:54:02 > 0:54:06- No, have you?- Not a fucking sausage. - Come on, think!
0:54:06 > 0:54:10I'm too busy shitting myself to come up with a daring escape plan.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13- (BRANCHES CREAKING) - (PANTS)
0:54:15 > 0:54:17(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
0:54:23 > 0:54:26- You're cute. - What?
0:54:26 > 0:54:30It's our first argument.
0:54:34 > 0:54:38- Vic, we're doomed. That ain't opening.- Move.
0:54:41 > 0:54:43(HISSING / GROANING)
0:54:44 > 0:54:48In my defence, I only tried that side, so...
0:54:48 > 0:54:50(FLETCH GRUNTING)
0:54:59 > 0:55:02- You go down there, my boy. - Excuse me?
0:55:02 > 0:55:06- There's no time to waste. Hurry up. - Well, you go down, then.
0:55:08 > 0:55:13Oh, my... Un... Unbelievable. It's not my daughter.
0:55:15 > 0:55:20- Can you see the sword? - Give me a minute! Please!
0:55:20 > 0:55:24It's my first time in a tomb... grave... stone.
0:55:31 > 0:55:35- (LAUGHS) - What? What is it?
0:55:35 > 0:55:39Oh, it's nothing. (LAUGHS)
0:55:41 > 0:55:44- What's so funny in there? - (LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)
0:55:50 > 0:55:53It's got a big metal cock for a handle.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56Grow up! The handle draws on the power of the demon Daeldo,
0:55:56 > 0:56:00rendering this blade alone capable of destroying her once and for all.
0:56:00 > 0:56:06- What? How? - It just does, OK?
0:56:06 > 0:56:11Right. We're gonna go there and we're gonna die, right?
0:56:11 > 0:56:15All because you insist some sword with a metal cock on the end
0:56:15 > 0:56:17- can save the world? - You're a disgrace.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20- At least I can see the funny side. - Let's get on with the job.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23I'll load up on weapons. You cover the baron up.
0:56:27 > 0:56:30Will you just admit it does look like a cock?
0:56:31 > 0:56:36- (GRUNTS) - Jimmy, can I tell you something?
0:56:36 > 0:56:39- Have you come up with a plan? - No, I'm still thinking.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41I think we're running out of time.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46I just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances,
0:56:46 > 0:56:50- I would have liked to have gotten to know you.- Really?- Yes.
0:56:50 > 0:56:54In fact, even though we've just spent a few hours together,
0:56:54 > 0:56:57I feel like I've known you for ever.
0:57:00 > 0:57:05- Really?- Yes. I thought you might have picked up on my signals.
0:57:05 > 0:57:09Signals? What signals? What did I miss?
0:57:11 > 0:57:13Jimmy, I love you.
0:57:18 > 0:57:21- Well, that's just fucking great. - I didn't mean to upset you.
0:57:21 > 0:57:25- On the brink of death, you say that? - I can't die without letting you know
0:57:25 > 0:57:28you're the first man I could share myself with completely.
0:57:28 > 0:57:31- Oh, for Christ's sake. - I would've given you everything.
0:57:31 > 0:57:34My mind, soul and body.
0:57:34 > 0:57:39- And body. Hmm. - And now that will never be.
0:57:45 > 0:57:48- It is time. (HISSES) - Oh, God!
0:57:48 > 0:57:50(ALL SNARL)
0:57:51 > 0:57:56- That's my penis. - Get off him, you bitch! He's mine!
0:57:59 > 0:58:01(EXHALES HEAVILY)
0:58:05 > 0:58:07Wow. (SNIFFS)
0:58:12 > 0:58:14What?
0:58:14 > 0:58:16What did you just say?
0:58:16 > 0:58:19You called me a what? I'm a fat piece of what?
0:58:19 > 0:58:23(MIMICS FIGHT NOISES)
0:58:27 > 0:58:30No-one messes with Fletchmeister's cock sword. (MIMICS LIGHTSABER)
0:58:32 > 0:58:35Oh, hello! Um...
0:58:35 > 0:58:37I wasn't doing, um...
0:58:37 > 0:58:39..Star Wars... No.
0:58:39 > 0:58:41(MIMICS CHEWBACCA) Chewie. I wasn't...
0:58:41 > 0:58:45What are you doing out? You probably shouldn't be out here.
0:58:45 > 0:58:46I know.
0:58:47 > 0:58:49So, it's your birthday?
0:58:49 > 0:58:52Today.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54It's just gone midnight.
0:58:55 > 0:58:56All...
0:58:56 > 0:58:58..grown...
0:58:58 > 0:58:59..up.
0:59:01 > 0:59:04- So you're 18? - Uh-huh.
0:59:05 > 0:59:08- But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway. - Oh!- (SNARLS)
0:59:08 > 0:59:11(SWORD THRUSTS)
0:59:16 > 0:59:19- Daddy! - (SPLASHING)
0:59:36 > 0:59:38- (VICAR)- Fletch!
0:59:43 > 0:59:46- Ready? - Yep.
0:59:47 > 0:59:50We have little time. My Rebecca will soon be taken.
0:59:51 > 0:59:53Yep.
0:59:56 > 0:59:59(MOANING / HISSING)
1:00:13 > 1:00:16You have his eyes.
1:00:16 > 1:00:19I used to love those eyes.
1:00:19 > 1:00:22Until I learned how pathetic men are.
1:00:22 > 1:00:26- (WINCES) - (WOMEN GASP)
1:00:30 > 1:00:34Mmm! Exquisite.
1:00:34 > 1:00:36I will bleed you slowly
1:00:36 > 1:00:39and let Carmilla feed upon your flesh
1:00:39 > 1:00:42while it is still warm in your veins.
1:00:52 > 1:00:56# Amazing...
1:00:56 > 1:00:58# Grace
1:00:58 > 1:01:00# How sweet... Look, the moon bleeds.
1:01:00 > 1:01:03The resurrection has begun.
1:01:03 > 1:01:05Here. Holy water.
1:01:05 > 1:01:08It's like a fucking hand grenade of acid to them.
1:01:08 > 1:01:10- You said "fucking" again. - So?
1:01:10 > 1:01:11- It's weird. - Get over it.
1:01:11 > 1:01:14There's no need to panic, my friend.
1:01:14 > 1:01:17I'm well-versed in the knowledge of killing vampires.
1:01:17 > 1:01:19Yeah, so's everyone.
1:01:19 > 1:01:23Stakes, garlic, beheading, holy water, sunlight...
1:01:23 > 1:01:26- There's not a fucker alive who doesn't know that shit.- Really?
1:01:26 > 1:01:30It's in books, films, telly. It's pretty common knowledge.
1:01:37 > 1:01:40Were you expecting many sexual encounters, my friend?
1:01:41 > 1:01:44Water bomb fight. So..
1:01:44 > 1:01:47..where's this resurrection likely to be happening?
1:01:47 > 1:01:50In there. The crypt of Carmilla.
1:01:50 > 1:01:53I knew you were gonna say that!
1:01:53 > 1:01:56Never gonna be somewhere un-scary-sounding,
1:01:56 > 1:02:00- like the garden or scullery? - "Scullery" is quite scary.- Eh?
1:02:00 > 1:02:02"Scullery" has got the word "skull" in it.
1:02:02 > 1:02:05As opposed to the crypt, which has got undead corpses in it.
1:02:07 > 1:02:10Remember this - they can die fast or they can die slow,
1:02:10 > 1:02:12but they have to die.
1:02:12 > 1:02:15- Can't we do this in the morning? - It may be too late.
1:02:15 > 1:02:17It will be too late for Rebecca.
1:02:17 > 1:02:19No, I'm good.
1:02:19 > 1:02:21Well, this is it.
1:02:21 > 1:02:25Good luck, Fletch. Let's try to come back alive.
1:02:25 > 1:02:28Vic... (SNIFFS)
1:02:28 > 1:02:31If I don't make it out of this,
1:02:31 > 1:02:34there's one thing I want you to know...
1:02:34 > 1:02:37I blame you entirely.
1:02:38 > 1:02:41(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
1:03:32 > 1:03:36- (WOMEN COO) - So this is how your bloodline ends -
1:03:36 > 1:03:38crying like a baby!
1:03:38 > 1:03:41Begging for your life!
1:03:41 > 1:03:43- Please... - Jimmy...
1:03:43 > 1:03:46Pull yourself together. Don't give her the satisfaction.
1:03:46 > 1:03:51No. You'll give me my satisfaction.
1:03:51 > 1:03:54Lotte, just so you know, before she turns you,
1:03:54 > 1:03:57I found you really attractive, pre-vampirism.
1:03:57 > 1:03:59- You did? - (HISSES)
1:04:01 > 1:04:04(VAMPIRES GROAN)
1:04:06 > 1:04:08- We have an escape plan. - What?
1:04:08 > 1:04:11- Fletch will save us. - Fletch? He's fucking useless.
1:04:11 > 1:04:14- We're dead meat. - Oi! You cheeky prick!
1:04:14 > 1:04:16- Fletch! - (WOMEN SNARL)
1:04:16 > 1:04:21Although, to be fair, if I could've avoided being here, I would've.
1:04:24 > 1:04:26(ALL GASP)
1:04:27 > 1:04:30- (GROANS) - Damn.
1:04:30 > 1:04:33- I told you he was fucking useless. - (LAUGHS)
1:04:35 > 1:04:38- Damn, damn! - You ever fired that thing before?
1:04:38 > 1:04:39- First time. - Watch and weep.
1:04:39 > 1:04:42So!
1:04:42 > 1:04:45You clam-lappers fancy a piece of me then, do you?
1:04:45 > 1:04:46(ALL SNARL)
1:04:46 > 1:04:49- Come on, then! - Kill them.
1:04:49 > 1:04:51(ALL SNARL)
1:04:51 > 1:04:53Oh, fuck!
1:05:10 > 1:05:14Oh, Vic! Wait up. Fuck this.
1:05:14 > 1:05:17Your friend's blood has already been drawn. The resurrection has begun.
1:05:17 > 1:05:21- We gotta get out!- We can't. Darkness is upon us. Your friends, Rebecca...
1:05:21 > 1:05:26- I can probably live with that. - ..and the entire fucking world...!
1:05:26 > 1:05:29You know how to put a guilt trip on, don't you, you fucker?
1:05:29 > 1:05:32- (WOMEN SNARL) - Right.
1:05:33 > 1:05:34Let's do this.
1:05:40 > 1:05:44- It'll be OK. - How can this be OK?
1:05:44 > 1:05:46All I wanted to do was enjoy life.
1:05:46 > 1:05:48Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.
1:05:48 > 1:05:51But no. Nothing's as simple as that, is it?
1:05:51 > 1:05:54And now we're gonna end up dead.
1:05:54 > 1:05:57Well, I'm gonna end up dead. You'll be a lesbian.
1:05:57 > 1:06:00And I've not even made love to a man.
1:06:00 > 1:06:03- (GROANS) - (BUBBLING / WHIRRING)
1:06:10 > 1:06:13The crypt is through here.
1:06:13 > 1:06:15Fletch! Spiritus Sancti.
1:06:15 > 1:06:17(WHIRRING)
1:06:17 > 1:06:20- Fletch! - (VAMPIRES SNARL)
1:06:20 > 1:06:22Spiritus sancti.
1:06:22 > 1:06:24- Hurry up! - (LOTTE) Jimmy?
1:06:24 > 1:06:28Back, you spawn of Satan!
1:06:29 > 1:06:32- Fletch?- Alright, mate. How you been? - Up and down.
1:06:32 > 1:06:36(GROWLING)
1:06:36 > 1:06:39- There's only one solution now. - The big cock sword.
1:06:39 > 1:06:41- What? - Long story.
1:06:42 > 1:06:45- Hand me the sword of Daeldo. - Haven't you got it?
1:06:45 > 1:06:47I thought you had it.
1:06:47 > 1:06:51You said all we've got to do is wait for this bitch to rise, stab her,
1:06:51 > 1:06:54- and you forgot the sword? - Get it. I'll keep 'em off.
1:06:54 > 1:06:59- Tell Rebecca I love her!- About Rebecca...- Run, you fool!- Alright!
1:07:27 > 1:07:30Jesus!
1:07:35 > 1:07:37(ALL MOAN SENSUOUSLY)
1:08:04 > 1:08:06(CHORAL SINGING)
1:08:33 > 1:08:35(TRIBAL MUSIC)
1:08:42 > 1:08:45Whores of fucking Hades.
1:08:45 > 1:08:47(GROWLS) Annihilate him.
1:08:47 > 1:08:49(ALL SNARL)
1:08:50 > 1:08:54Prepare for fucking death!
1:08:54 > 1:08:56(YELLS)
1:09:04 > 1:09:06Come on, you silly fuckers!
1:09:08 > 1:09:12- Lotte! - It's playtime, darling.
1:09:19 > 1:09:23Mmm! You are a feisty one.
1:09:25 > 1:09:27I like it.
1:09:36 > 1:09:41- It won't budge.- I have to help her. - It's not gonna work.
1:09:44 > 1:09:46What is it with you and doors?
1:09:46 > 1:09:47Let's ram it.
1:09:52 > 1:09:54Mmm! You taste divine.
1:09:59 > 1:10:01- Keys. - Vicar's got 'em.- What?
1:10:01 > 1:10:03- Know how to hotwire a hearse?- Yeah! - Brilliant. Let's go.
1:10:03 > 1:10:06- Of course I don't, you idiot. - Shit.
1:10:15 > 1:10:19First I'm going to torture you, then I'm going to turn you.
1:10:19 > 1:10:22- You'll be my plaything. - Never!
1:10:22 > 1:10:24That's it, then.
1:10:24 > 1:10:27The problem with you, James, you're a pessimist.
1:10:27 > 1:10:30You might wanna grab weapons. We could be in for a ruck.
1:10:30 > 1:10:32(GRUNTS)
1:10:32 > 1:10:35Argh!
1:10:38 > 1:10:40Come on!
1:10:48 > 1:10:51- That sword's got a cock for a handle.- It's funny, innit?
1:10:51 > 1:10:54It's the only thing that'll destroy that psycho bitch.
1:10:54 > 1:10:57- It's very powerful and very ancient. - And sort of gay.
1:10:57 > 1:11:00So get your own fucking sword!
1:11:00 > 1:11:02(WHISPERING VOICES)
1:11:14 > 1:11:16(HEART BEATS)
1:11:22 > 1:11:26I knew you would not resist me forever.
1:11:34 > 1:11:36(EXCLAIMS)
1:11:43 > 1:11:46Sorry, you're not my type.
1:12:06 > 1:12:09- Whoo-hoo! - (WOMAN) Lotte...
1:12:09 > 1:12:11(SNARLING)
1:12:49 > 1:12:50Bollocks.
1:12:50 > 1:12:52Fletch.
1:13:03 > 1:13:05(GROWLS)
1:13:24 > 1:13:27(GROANS)
1:13:27 > 1:13:29(SWORD PULSES / VIBRATES)
1:13:48 > 1:13:51(HISSES) McLaren!
1:13:58 > 1:14:03- Jimmy! - Throw it like you mean it, McLaren!
1:14:22 > 1:14:26Un-fucking-believable!
1:14:26 > 1:14:29(GASPS)
1:14:38 > 1:14:40(PULSATING)
1:15:03 > 1:15:05(COCK CROWS)
1:15:17 > 1:15:20Is somebody taking the piss?
1:15:20 > 1:15:25The sword of Daeldo is a mighty weapon indeed.
1:15:26 > 1:15:28Looks like the vic was right.
1:15:28 > 1:15:31Everyone seems to know what's going on bar me!
1:15:31 > 1:15:35It's all cock swords and scary stuff and history and that. Tell ya later.
1:15:35 > 1:15:39- Tell me now!- I will.- When? - Mate, do you want to calm down?
1:15:39 > 1:15:42I've had a bit of a busy night. I'll tell you in a minute.
1:15:42 > 1:15:43- (GROANING) - Whoa.
1:15:43 > 1:15:48No, look. Sunlight. The curse has lifted.
1:15:49 > 1:15:52- So they're not vampires any more? - No.
1:15:53 > 1:15:56Cool. Are they still lesbians?
1:15:56 > 1:16:00For fuck's sake!
1:16:02 > 1:16:04Er...
1:16:12 > 1:16:15Unbelievable. Save the day, not even a kiss.
1:16:15 > 1:16:17Do you know what? Actually, forget it.
1:16:17 > 1:16:20Forget it. Forget it. Let it go. Let it go, Fletch.
1:16:20 > 1:16:22You're the bigger man.
1:16:23 > 1:16:25(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)
1:16:28 > 1:16:29Whoa!
1:16:29 > 1:16:32That's some mighty fine hotwiring skills you got there, lady.
1:16:32 > 1:16:35Thanks. Right. Now what?
1:16:35 > 1:16:37Don't know. Go home?
1:16:37 > 1:16:39Go home?
1:16:39 > 1:16:42They've taken my friends, they very nearly took our lives,
1:16:42 > 1:16:44and we never even dreamed they existed!
1:16:44 > 1:16:47How can we just go home to our beds? (ROUSING MUSIC)
1:16:47 > 1:16:50- What's she talking about? - Uh...
1:16:50 > 1:16:51This village is free,
1:16:51 > 1:16:55but more creatures like Carmilla lurk in the dark corners of the world.
1:16:55 > 1:16:59No-one would believe us. We are the only people who know the truth.
1:16:59 > 1:17:03We must go out there and fight this menace.
1:17:03 > 1:17:07Are you suggesting we become... lesbian vampire killers?
1:17:07 > 1:17:10If that's what it takes, ja.
1:17:12 > 1:17:16I ain't got anything else on in particular at the moment, so I'm in.
1:17:16 > 1:17:18- Jim? - I-I don't know.
1:17:18 > 1:17:22Oh, come on. It's in your blood, your destiny, all that shit!
1:17:22 > 1:17:23- Huh? - I'll tell you later.
1:17:23 > 1:17:26- Come on. You might as well. - Join us.
1:17:27 > 1:17:30Lesbian vampire killers, it is. Let's ride.
1:17:30 > 1:17:33- (LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY) - Whoo-hoo!
1:17:48 > 1:17:51(HOWLS)
1:17:54 > 1:17:57# "Under The Moon Of Love" - Showaddywaddy
1:18:07 > 1:18:10# Let's go for a little walk
1:18:10 > 1:18:13# Under the moon above
1:18:13 > 1:18:16# Let's sit down and talk
1:18:16 > 1:18:19# Under the moon of love
1:18:19 > 1:18:20- # I wanna tell ya - # Wanna tell ya
1:18:20 > 1:18:22- # That I love ya - # That I love ya
1:18:22 > 1:18:24# And I want you to be my girl
1:18:24 > 1:18:27# Little darling, let's walk, let's talk
1:18:27 > 1:18:30- # Under the moon of love - # The moon of love
1:18:32 > 1:18:35- # You are looking so lovely - # Ah-ha-ha-ha
1:18:35 > 1:18:38# Under the moon of love
1:18:38 > 1:18:41# Your eyes shine so brightly
1:18:41 > 1:18:43# Under the moon of love
1:18:43 > 1:18:45- # I wanna go - # I wanna go
1:18:45 > 1:18:46- # All the time - # All the time
1:18:46 > 1:18:49# You'll be my love tonight
1:18:49 > 1:18:51# Little darling, let's walk, let's talk
1:18:51 > 1:18:55- # Under the moon of love - # The moon of love. #
1:18:56 > 1:18:59Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk