Monty Python's Life of Brian

0:01:29 > 0:01:30Ahem.

0:01:30 > 0:01:31Aah!

0:01:32 > 0:01:34Who are you?

0:01:34 > 0:01:35We are three wise men.

0:01:35 > 0:01:36What?

0:01:36 > 0:01:38We are three wise men.

0:01:38 > 0:01:42Creeping around a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?

0:01:41 > 0:01:43Doesn't sound very wise.

0:01:43 > 0:01:45We are astrologers.

0:01:45 > 0:01:47We have come from the East.

0:01:47 > 0:01:50Is this some kind of joke?

0:01:50 > 0:01:52We wish to praise the infant.

0:01:52 > 0:01:54To pay homage to him.

0:01:53 > 0:01:56Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting.

0:01:56 > 0:01:58Out! Out!

0:01:58 > 0:02:01Pestering me with tales about fortune-tellers!

0:02:01 > 0:02:02Come on, out!

0:02:02 > 0:02:03We must see him.

0:02:03 > 0:02:05Go praise someone else's brat!

0:02:05 > 0:02:07We were led by a star.

0:02:07 > 0:02:09Led by a bottle. Go out!

0:02:09 > 0:02:10We have brought presents.

0:02:10 > 0:02:11Out!

0:02:11 > 0:02:12Gold, frankincense, myrrh.

0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, why didn't you say?

0:02:14 > 0:02:16He's over there.

0:02:16 > 0:02:18Sorry the place is a mess.

0:02:19 > 0:02:21Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

0:02:21 > 0:02:23It is a valuable balm.

0:02:23 > 0:02:25A bomb? You're giving him a bomb?

0:02:25 > 0:02:27It might bite him.

0:02:27 > 0:02:28What?

0:02:28 > 0:02:29That's a dangerous animal.

0:02:29 > 0:02:31No, it isn't.

0:02:31 > 0:02:33Yes, it is. It's great...

0:02:33 > 0:02:35No, no. It is an ointment.

0:02:35 > 0:02:37Well, there is an animal called a bomb.

0:02:37 > 0:02:39Or did I dream it?

0:02:39 > 0:02:41You're astrologers, are you?

0:02:40 > 0:02:42Well, what is he, then?

0:02:42 > 0:02:44What star sign is he?

0:02:44 > 0:02:47Uh...Capricorn.

0:02:47 > 0:02:50Mmm. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

0:02:50 > 0:02:52He's the Son of God. Our Messiah.

0:02:52 > 0:02:53King of the Jews.

0:02:53 > 0:02:55That's Capricorn, is it?

0:02:55 > 0:02:57No, no. That's just him.

0:02:57 > 0:03:00Ah. Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02What name are you calling him?

0:03:02 > 0:03:03Uh, Brian.

0:03:03 > 0:03:06We worship you, O Brian,

0:03:06 > 0:03:08who are Lord over us all.

0:03:08 > 0:03:10Praise unto you, Brian,

0:03:10 > 0:03:12and to the Lord Our Father.

0:03:12 > 0:03:13Amen.

0:03:13 > 0:03:15You do a lot of this?

0:03:15 > 0:03:16What?

0:03:15 > 0:03:16This praising.

0:03:16 > 0:03:17No, no.

0:03:17 > 0:03:20Well, if you're by again, pop in.

0:03:20 > 0:03:23Thanks for the gold and frankincense,

0:03:23 > 0:03:26but don't worry about the myrrh next time.

0:03:26 > 0:03:28Thank you. Goodbye.

0:03:30 > 0:03:32Well, weren't they nice?

0:03:32 > 0:03:35Out of their bloody minds, but still...

0:03:35 > 0:03:37look at that!

0:03:37 > 0:03:38Here! Here!

0:03:38 > 0:03:39That-that's mine.

0:03:39 > 0:03:42Hey, you gave me that!

0:03:53 > 0:03:54BABY CRIES

0:03:54 > 0:03:56Shut up!

0:04:04 > 0:04:05# Brian

0:04:06 > 0:04:09# The babe they called Brian

0:04:11 > 0:04:12# He grew

0:04:13 > 0:04:17# Grew, grew, and grew

0:04:17 > 0:04:20# Grew up to be

0:04:20 > 0:04:23# Grew up to be

0:04:23 > 0:04:26# A boy called Brian

0:04:26 > 0:04:29# A boy called Brian

0:04:30 > 0:04:32# He had arms

0:04:32 > 0:04:34# And legs

0:04:34 > 0:04:36# And hands

0:04:36 > 0:04:37# And feet

0:04:37 > 0:04:39# This boy

0:04:40 > 0:04:42# Whose name was Brian

0:04:42 > 0:04:44Aah!

0:04:44 > 0:04:47# And he grew

0:04:47 > 0:04:50# Grew, grew, and grew

0:04:50 > 0:04:53# Grew up to be

0:04:53 > 0:04:57# Yes, he grew up to be

0:04:57 > 0:05:00# A teenager called Brian

0:05:00 > 0:05:04# A teenager called Brian

0:05:04 > 0:05:07# And his face became spotty

0:05:07 > 0:05:10# Yes, his face became spotty

0:05:10 > 0:05:14# And his voice crept down low

0:05:14 > 0:05:17# And things started to grow

0:05:17 > 0:05:21# On young Brian and so

0:05:21 > 0:05:24# He was suddenly known

0:05:24 > 0:05:28# No girl named Brian

0:05:28 > 0:05:31# Not a girl named Brian

0:05:38 > 0:05:41# And he started to shave

0:05:41 > 0:05:44# And had one off the wrist

0:05:45 > 0:05:48# And watch to see birds

0:05:48 > 0:05:51# And go out and get pissed

0:05:51 > 0:05:54# A man called Brian

0:05:54 > 0:05:57# This man called Brian

0:05:57 > 0:06:05# The man they called Bria-a-an

0:06:05 > 0:06:09# This man called

0:06:09 > 0:06:18# Bria-aaa-aa-an #

0:06:18 > 0:06:19Aah!

0:06:57 > 0:07:02How blessed are those who know their need of God?

0:07:01 > 0:07:04How blessed are the sorrowful?

0:07:04 > 0:07:06They shall find consolation.

0:07:09 > 0:07:12How blessed are those of gentle spirit?

0:07:13 > 0:07:17They shall have the earth for their possession.

0:07:16 > 0:07:19How blessed are those who hunger

0:07:19 > 0:07:21and thirst

0:07:21 > 0:07:23to see right prevail?

0:07:23 > 0:07:25They shall be satisfied.

0:07:27 > 0:07:31How blessed are those whose hearts are pure?

0:07:31 > 0:07:33They shall see God.

0:07:33 > 0:07:35Speak up!

0:07:35 > 0:07:36Quiet, Mum.

0:07:36 > 0:07:39Well, I can't hear a thing.

0:07:39 > 0:07:41Let's go to a stoning.

0:07:41 > 0:07:42Sshh!

0:07:42 > 0:07:44You can go to a stoning any time.

0:07:44 > 0:07:46Come on, Brian.

0:07:46 > 0:07:47Will you be quiet?

0:07:48 > 0:07:50Don't pick your nose!

0:07:50 > 0:07:52Wasn't. I was scratching.

0:07:52 > 0:07:55You was picking it while talking to her.

0:07:55 > 0:07:56I wasn't.

0:07:56 > 0:07:57Give it a rest.

0:07:57 > 0:08:00Do you mind? I can't hear.

0:08:00 > 0:08:02Don't you "do you mind" me!

0:08:02 > 0:08:04I was talking to my husband!

0:08:04 > 0:08:06Talk elsewhere. I can't hear a bloody thing.

0:08:06 > 0:08:08Don't swear at my wife!

0:08:08 > 0:08:10I only said to shut up

0:08:10 > 0:08:12so we could hear, big nose.

0:08:12 > 0:08:14Don't call my husband big nose!

0:08:14 > 0:08:16Well, he's got a big nose.

0:08:16 > 0:08:18Quiet. What was that?

0:08:18 > 0:08:20I was too busy with big nose.

0:08:20 > 0:08:23I think it was, "blessed are the cheese-makers."

0:08:23 > 0:08:26What's so special about cheese-makers?

0:08:26 > 0:08:28It's not to be taken literally.

0:08:27 > 0:08:31It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

0:08:31 > 0:08:33See? We missed that, big nose.

0:08:33 > 0:08:36Say that again, I'll smash your bloody face!

0:08:36 > 0:08:37Keep listening.

0:08:37 > 0:08:40Might mention "blessed are the big noses."

0:08:40 > 0:08:41Lay off!

0:08:41 > 0:08:43Not so bad yourself, conk face.

0:08:43 > 0:08:45You two from nose city?

0:08:45 > 0:08:46One more time, mate.

0:08:46 > 0:08:49I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!

0:08:49 > 0:08:50Language!

0:08:50 > 0:08:52And don't pick your nose!

0:08:52 > 0:08:55I wasn't. I was going to thump him!

0:08:55 > 0:08:57Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

0:08:57 > 0:08:58The Greek?

0:08:58 > 0:09:00Apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

0:09:00 > 0:09:02Anyone catch his name?

0:09:02 > 0:09:03You won't thump anybody.

0:09:03 > 0:09:06I will if he calls me big nose again.

0:09:06 > 0:09:07Shut up, big nose.

0:09:07 > 0:09:08Oh! Right. I warned you.

0:09:08 > 0:09:11I really will slug you so hard!

0:09:11 > 0:09:12Oh, it's the meek!

0:09:12 > 0:09:14Blessed are the meek.

0:09:14 > 0:09:15I'm glad they're getting something,

0:09:15 > 0:09:18cos they have a hell of a time.

0:09:18 > 0:09:19I'm only telling the truth.

0:09:19 > 0:09:22You have got a very big nose.

0:09:22 > 0:09:26Yours will be 3 foot wide across your face!

0:09:26 > 0:09:27Shh!

0:09:27 > 0:09:30Who hit yours then, Goliath's big brother?

0:09:30 > 0:09:32Right. That's your last warning.

0:09:31 > 0:09:33Do pipe down.

0:09:33 > 0:09:34Oh!

0:09:35 > 0:09:38Silly bitch, getting away on me, are you?

0:09:41 > 0:09:43Oh, let's go to the stoning.

0:09:43 > 0:09:45All right.

0:09:46 > 0:09:49Well, "blessed" is just about everyone

0:09:49 > 0:09:52with a vested interest in the status quo.

0:09:52 > 0:09:54What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate

0:09:54 > 0:09:57is it's the meek who are the problem.

0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yes. Absolutely, Reg.

0:09:59 > 0:10:00Yes. I see.

0:10:01 > 0:10:03Come on, Brian.

0:10:02 > 0:10:05They'll have stoned 'em before we get there.

0:10:05 > 0:10:06All right.

0:10:15 > 0:10:18Oh, I hate wearing these beards.

0:10:18 > 0:10:20Why can't women go to stonings, Mum?

0:10:20 > 0:10:21It's written, that's why!

0:10:21 > 0:10:24Psst! Beard, madam?

0:10:24 > 0:10:26I haven't got time for stonings.

0:10:26 > 0:10:28He's not well again.

0:10:28 > 0:10:29HEEHAW

0:10:29 > 0:10:30Stone, sir?

0:10:30 > 0:10:34No. They've got a lot lying on the ground.

0:10:34 > 0:10:35Not like these, sir.

0:10:35 > 0:10:38Feel the quality. That's craftsmanship, sir.

0:10:38 > 0:10:40All right. Two with points

0:10:40 > 0:10:42and a big flat one.

0:10:42 > 0:10:44Can I have one, Mum?

0:10:44 > 0:10:45Shh!

0:10:45 > 0:10:46Sorry. Dad.

0:10:46 > 0:10:48All right. Two points, two flats,

0:10:48 > 0:10:50and a packet of gravel.

0:10:50 > 0:10:52Should be good this afternoon.

0:10:52 > 0:10:53Local boy.

0:10:53 > 0:10:54Oh, good.

0:10:54 > 0:10:55Enjoy yourselves.

0:11:13 > 0:11:15Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath?

0:11:15 > 0:11:17Do I say yes?

0:11:17 > 0:11:18Yes.

0:11:18 > 0:11:20You have been found guilty

0:11:20 > 0:11:21by the elders of the town

0:11:21 > 0:11:24of uttering the name of Our Lord.

0:11:24 > 0:11:27And so as a BLASPHEMER...

0:11:28 > 0:11:31..you are to be stoned to death.

0:11:32 > 0:11:34I'd had a lovely supper.

0:11:34 > 0:11:36All I said to my wife was,

0:11:36 > 0:11:37"That piece of halibut

0:11:37 > 0:11:39was good enough for Jehovah."

0:11:39 > 0:11:41BLASPHEMY!

0:11:41 > 0:11:43He said it again!

0:11:43 > 0:11:44Did you hear him?

0:11:44 > 0:11:46Yes, we did!

0:11:46 > 0:11:47Really!

0:11:51 > 0:11:53Are any women here today?

0:11:59 > 0:12:00Very well.

0:12:00 > 0:12:02By virtue of the authority

0:12:02 > 0:12:04vested in me...

0:12:04 > 0:12:07Ow! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

0:12:06 > 0:12:08Come on, who threw that?

0:12:10 > 0:12:11Who threw that stone?

0:12:11 > 0:12:13She did! She did!

0:12:13 > 0:12:14She did! She did!

0:12:14 > 0:12:17DEEP VOICES: He did. He did.

0:12:17 > 0:12:19Sorry. I thought we'd started.

0:12:19 > 0:12:21Go to the back!

0:12:21 > 0:12:22Oh, dear.

0:12:22 > 0:12:24Always one, isn't there?

0:12:24 > 0:12:26Now, where were we?

0:12:26 > 0:12:28I don't think it ought to be blasphemy

0:12:28 > 0:12:29just saying Jehovah.

0:12:29 > 0:12:31He did it again!

0:12:31 > 0:12:34You're only making it worse for yourself!

0:12:34 > 0:12:36Making it worse? How could it be worse?

0:12:36 > 0:12:38Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!

0:12:38 > 0:12:42I'm warning you, if you say Jehovah once more...

0:12:42 > 0:12:44Right. Who threw that?

0:12:46 > 0:12:47Who threw that?

0:12:47 > 0:12:48She did!

0:12:48 > 0:12:50She did! She did!

0:12:50 > 0:12:52Him, him, him, him!

0:12:52 > 0:12:54Was it you?

0:12:54 > 0:12:56Yes. Well, you did say Jehovah.

0:13:01 > 0:13:03Look. Will you stop that?

0:13:03 > 0:13:04Stop it!

0:13:04 > 0:13:08Now, look, no one is to stone anyone

0:13:08 > 0:13:10until I blow this whistle.

0:13:10 > 0:13:12Do you understand?

0:13:12 > 0:13:15Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear,

0:13:15 > 0:13:17even if they do say Jehovah.

0:13:23 > 0:13:25Good shot!

0:13:25 > 0:13:27APPLAUSE

0:13:35 > 0:13:38Have I got a big nose, Mum?

0:13:38 > 0:13:39Oh, stop thinking about sex.

0:13:39 > 0:13:40I wasn't.

0:13:40 > 0:13:42You're always on about it,

0:13:41 > 0:13:43morning, noon, and night.

0:13:43 > 0:13:44Will the girls like this?

0:13:44 > 0:13:46Will the girls like that?

0:13:46 > 0:13:49Is it too big? Is it too small?

0:13:51 > 0:13:52Alms for a leper.

0:13:52 > 0:13:54Alms for a leper.

0:13:54 > 0:13:56Alms for an ex-leper.

0:13:56 > 0:13:57Bloody donkey owners!

0:13:57 > 0:13:59All the same, aren't they?

0:13:59 > 0:14:00Never have any change.

0:14:00 > 0:14:02Oh, here's a touch.

0:14:02 > 0:14:04Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?

0:14:04 > 0:14:05Buzz off!

0:14:05 > 0:14:07Spare a talent for an ex-leper?

0:14:07 > 0:14:10That's more than he earns in a month.

0:14:10 > 0:14:11Half talent, then.

0:14:11 > 0:14:12Go away!

0:14:12 > 0:14:14Big nose, let's haggle.

0:14:14 > 0:14:15What?

0:14:15 > 0:14:16You open at 1 shekel,

0:14:16 > 0:14:17I start at 2,000,

0:14:17 > 0:14:19we close about 1,800.

0:14:19 > 0:14:20No.

0:14:19 > 0:14:201,750?

0:14:20 > 0:14:211,740?

0:14:21 > 0:14:23Will you leave him alone?

0:14:23 > 0:14:252 shekels. Isn't this fun?

0:14:25 > 0:14:28He's not giving you any money, so piss off!

0:14:31 > 0:14:32All right, my final offer -

0:14:32 > 0:14:35a half shekel for an old ex-leper.

0:14:35 > 0:14:36Did you say EX-leper?

0:14:36 > 0:14:3916 years behind a veil and proud of it.

0:14:39 > 0:14:40What happened?

0:14:40 > 0:14:41Cured, sir.

0:14:41 > 0:14:42Cured?

0:14:42 > 0:14:44Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.

0:14:44 > 0:14:45Who cured you?

0:14:45 > 0:14:46Jesus did.

0:14:46 > 0:14:49I was hopping along, minding my own business.

0:14:49 > 0:14:51Up he comes, cures me!

0:14:51 > 0:14:53One minute I'm a leper with a trade,

0:14:53 > 0:14:55next minute my livelihood's gone.

0:14:55 > 0:14:57Not so much as a by-your-leave.

0:14:57 > 0:14:58Bloody do-gooder!

0:14:58 > 0:15:00Why don't you tell him

0:15:00 > 0:15:02you want to be a leper again?

0:15:02 > 0:15:04I was going to ask him

0:15:04 > 0:15:06if he'd make one leg a bit lame

0:15:06 > 0:15:08during the middle of the week.

0:15:08 > 0:15:10Something beggable, but not leprosy,

0:15:10 > 0:15:12which is a pain in the arse.

0:15:12 > 0:15:14Brian! Come and clean your room!

0:15:14 > 0:15:16There you are.

0:15:16 > 0:15:17Thank you, sir.

0:15:17 > 0:15:20Half a denarii? For me bloody life story?

0:15:20 > 0:15:22There's no pleasing some people.

0:15:22 > 0:15:25That's just what Jesus said, sir.

0:15:35 > 0:15:36Oh.

0:15:36 > 0:15:38Good afternoon.

0:15:38 > 0:15:40Oh, uh, hello, officer. Uh...

0:15:40 > 0:15:44I'll be with you in a few moments, all right, dear?

0:15:44 > 0:15:46What's he doing here?

0:15:46 > 0:15:48Don't start. Go clean your room.

0:15:48 > 0:15:49Bloody Romans.

0:15:49 > 0:15:51Now, look, Brian, if it wasn't for him,

0:15:51 > 0:15:53we wouldn't have all this.

0:15:53 > 0:15:54And don't you forget it.

0:15:54 > 0:15:57We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.

0:15:57 > 0:15:59Oh, that's not entirely true, is it, Brian?

0:15:59 > 0:16:00What do you mean?

0:16:00 > 0:16:03Well, you know you were asking me about your...

0:16:03 > 0:16:04My nose?

0:16:04 > 0:16:06Yes. Well, there's a reason

0:16:06 > 0:16:07it's like it is, Brian.

0:16:07 > 0:16:09What is it?

0:16:09 > 0:16:11Well, I suppose I should've told you

0:16:11 > 0:16:12a long time ago, but...

0:16:12 > 0:16:13What?

0:16:13 > 0:16:15Well, Brian...

0:16:15 > 0:16:17your father isn't Mr Cohen.

0:16:17 > 0:16:19I never thought he was.

0:16:19 > 0:16:21Now, none of your cheek!

0:16:21 > 0:16:23He was a Roman, Brian.

0:16:23 > 0:16:26He was a centurion in the Roman army.

0:16:26 > 0:16:28You mean, you were raped?

0:16:28 > 0:16:30Well, at first, yes.

0:16:30 > 0:16:31Who was it?

0:16:31 > 0:16:34Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm.

0:16:34 > 0:16:37Promised me the known world, he did.

0:16:37 > 0:16:39I was to be taken to Rome,

0:16:39 > 0:16:42house by the forum, slaves, asses' milk,

0:16:42 > 0:16:44as much gold as I could eat.

0:16:44 > 0:16:47After having his way with me, voom!

0:16:47 > 0:16:49Like a rat out of an aqueduct.

0:16:49 > 0:16:50The bastard!

0:16:50 > 0:16:53So next time you go on about the bloody Romans,

0:16:53 > 0:16:55don't forget you're one of them.

0:16:55 > 0:16:56I'm not a Roman!

0:16:56 > 0:16:58And I never will be!

0:16:58 > 0:17:01I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hooknose!

0:17:01 > 0:17:03I'm kosher, Mum!

0:17:03 > 0:17:06I'm a Red Sea pedestrian and proud of it!

0:17:08 > 0:17:09Huh!

0:17:09 > 0:17:13Sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, eh?

0:17:13 > 0:17:16Well, how are you, then, officer?

0:17:16 > 0:17:18FANFARE

0:17:23 > 0:17:26LIGHT APPLAUSE

0:17:32 > 0:17:34Ladies and gentlemen

0:17:34 > 0:17:38the next contest is between

0:17:38 > 0:17:43Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby crusher,

0:17:43 > 0:17:47and Boris Fineberg.

0:17:46 > 0:17:48Thank you, madam. >

0:17:48 > 0:17:50Larks' tongues.

0:17:50 > 0:17:51Wrens' livers.

0:17:51 > 0:17:53Chaffinch brains.

0:17:53 > 0:17:55Jaguars' earlobes.

0:17:55 > 0:17:57Wolf nipple chips.

0:17:57 > 0:17:58Get them while they're hot.

0:17:58 > 0:18:00Dromedary pretzels, only half a denarii.

0:18:00 > 0:18:02Tuscany-fried bat ears.

0:18:02 > 0:18:03I do feel, Reg,

0:18:03 > 0:18:06that any anti-imperialist group like ours

0:18:06 > 0:18:08must reflect such a divergence of interest

0:18:08 > 0:18:09within its power base.

0:18:09 > 0:18:11Agree. Francis?

0:18:10 > 0:18:13I think Judith's point of view is valid, Reg,

0:18:13 > 0:18:15provided the movement never forgets

0:18:15 > 0:18:18that it is the unalienable right of every man...

0:18:18 > 0:18:19Or woman.

0:18:19 > 0:18:20..to rid himself...

0:18:20 > 0:18:21Or herself.

0:18:21 > 0:18:25Agree. Thanks, brother. Or sister.

0:18:25 > 0:18:27Where was I?

0:18:27 > 0:18:28I think you finished.

0:18:28 > 0:18:29Oh, right.

0:18:29 > 0:18:30Furthermore,

0:18:30 > 0:18:32it's the birthright of every man...

0:18:32 > 0:18:33Or woman.

0:18:33 > 0:18:34Shut up about women, Stan.

0:18:34 > 0:18:37Women have a right to play a part

0:18:37 > 0:18:38in our movement, Reg.

0:18:38 > 0:18:40Why are you always on about women?

0:18:40 > 0:18:42I want to be one.

0:18:44 > 0:18:46What?

0:18:46 > 0:18:48I want to be a woman.

0:18:48 > 0:18:52From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.

0:18:52 > 0:18:53What?

0:18:53 > 0:18:55It's my right as a man.

0:18:55 > 0:18:59Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

0:18:59 > 0:19:01I want to have babies.

0:19:01 > 0:19:04You want to have babies?

0:19:04 > 0:19:06It's every man's right to have babies.

0:19:06 > 0:19:08But you can't have babies.

0:19:08 > 0:19:09Don't you oppress me.

0:19:09 > 0:19:11I'm not oppressing you, Stan.

0:19:11 > 0:19:12You haven't got a womb.

0:19:12 > 0:19:14Where's the fetus going to gestate?

0:19:14 > 0:19:17You going to keep it in a box?

0:19:17 > 0:19:18HE SNIFFLES

0:19:19 > 0:19:21Here, I've got an idea.

0:19:21 > 0:19:23Suppose you agree he can't actually have babies -

0:19:23 > 0:19:26not having a womb - which is nobody's fault,

0:19:26 > 0:19:27not even the Romans',

0:19:27 > 0:19:30but that he can have the RIGHT to have babies.

0:19:30 > 0:19:32Good idea, Judith.

0:19:32 > 0:19:33We shall fight the oppressors

0:19:33 > 0:19:36for your right to have babies, brother...sister.

0:19:36 > 0:19:38What's the point?

0:19:38 > 0:19:39What?

0:19:39 > 0:19:40What's the point of fighting

0:19:40 > 0:19:42for his right to have babies

0:19:42 > 0:19:45when he can't have babies?

0:19:44 > 0:19:48It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

0:19:50 > 0:19:52Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

0:19:52 > 0:19:55FANFARE

0:19:58 > 0:20:00Get out there! Get out!

0:20:00 > 0:20:02It's dangerous out there!

0:20:02 > 0:20:03Aah! Oh!

0:20:19 > 0:20:23Boo! Boo! What a load of rubbish!

0:20:23 > 0:20:25Dogs' tongues.

0:20:25 > 0:20:26Otters' noses.

0:20:26 > 0:20:27Ocelot spleens.

0:20:27 > 0:20:28Any nuts?

0:20:28 > 0:20:30I haven't got any nuts.

0:20:30 > 0:20:32I've got wrens' livers, badger spleens.

0:20:32 > 0:20:33No, no, no.

0:20:33 > 0:20:34Otters' noses?

0:20:34 > 0:20:35I don't want Roman rubbish.

0:20:35 > 0:20:37Why don't you sell proper food?

0:20:37 > 0:20:38Proper food?

0:20:38 > 0:20:41Yeah, not those rich imperialist tidbits.

0:20:41 > 0:20:44I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

0:20:44 > 0:20:46Bag of otters' noses then.

0:20:46 > 0:20:47Make it two.

0:20:47 > 0:20:48Two.

0:20:48 > 0:20:49Thanks, Reg.

0:20:49 > 0:20:51Are you the Judean People's Front?

0:20:51 > 0:20:52Fuck off!

0:20:52 > 0:20:53What?

0:20:53 > 0:20:56Judean People's Front!

0:20:56 > 0:20:58We're the People's Front Of Judea.

0:20:58 > 0:21:00Judean People's Front!

0:21:00 > 0:21:02Wankers!

0:21:03 > 0:21:06Can I join your group?

0:21:06 > 0:21:07Piss off!

0:21:07 > 0:21:09I didn't want to sell this stuff.

0:21:09 > 0:21:11I hate the Romans.

0:21:11 > 0:21:13Shh! Shh!

0:21:13 > 0:21:14Are you sure?

0:21:14 > 0:21:17Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.

0:21:17 > 0:21:21Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ,

0:21:21 > 0:21:24you'd have to REALLY hate the Romans.

0:21:24 > 0:21:25I do.

0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh, yeah? How much?

0:21:27 > 0:21:29A lot.

0:21:30 > 0:21:32Right. You're in.

0:21:32 > 0:21:34Listen, the only people we hate

0:21:34 > 0:21:36more than the Romans

0:21:36 > 0:21:38are the fucking Judean People's Front.

0:21:37 > 0:21:39Yeah! Yes!

0:21:38 > 0:21:41And the Judean Popular People's Front.

0:21:41 > 0:21:42Yes! Oh, yeah!

0:21:42 > 0:21:45And the People's Front Of Judea.

0:21:45 > 0:21:46What?

0:21:45 > 0:21:47The People's Front Of Judea. Splitters!

0:21:47 > 0:21:50We're the People's Front Of Judea!

0:21:50 > 0:21:53Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

0:21:53 > 0:21:55People's Front!

0:21:55 > 0:21:58Whatever happened to the Popular Front?

0:21:58 > 0:21:59He's over there.

0:22:02 > 0:22:03Splitter! Splitter!

0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh...oh...

0:22:11 > 0:22:14I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.

0:22:14 > 0:22:15CROWD: Boo! Boo!

0:22:15 > 0:22:18Absolutely dreadful.

0:22:18 > 0:22:20CROWD CHEERS

0:22:29 > 0:22:31Brother!

0:22:32 > 0:22:34What's your name?

0:22:34 > 0:22:36Brian. Brian Cohen.

0:22:36 > 0:22:40We may have a little job for you, Brian.

0:23:32 > 0:23:34What's this, then?

0:23:34 > 0:23:36"Romanes eunt domus"?

0:23:36 > 0:23:40"People called Romanes, they go the house?"

0:23:39 > 0:23:41It-it says, "Romans go home."

0:23:41 > 0:23:43No, it doesn't.

0:23:43 > 0:23:45What's Latin for Roman?

0:23:45 > 0:23:46Come on, come on.

0:23:46 > 0:23:47Romanus?

0:23:47 > 0:23:48Goes like?

0:23:48 > 0:23:49Anus?

0:23:49 > 0:23:51Formative plural of anus is?

0:23:51 > 0:23:52Ani?

0:23:52 > 0:23:53Romani.

0:23:54 > 0:23:56Eunt? What is eunt?

0:23:56 > 0:23:57Go.

0:23:57 > 0:23:59Conjugate the verb "to go."

0:23:59 > 0:24:02Ire, eo, is, ite, emus, itis, eunt.

0:24:02 > 0:24:03So, eunt is?

0:24:03 > 0:24:05Uh, uh... third person plural,

0:24:05 > 0:24:07present indicative. "They go."

0:24:07 > 0:24:09But "Romans go home" is an order,

0:24:09 > 0:24:11so you must use the...

0:24:11 > 0:24:12The imperative?

0:24:12 > 0:24:13Which is?

0:24:13 > 0:24:14Um...

0:24:14 > 0:24:16Um, um, um... I... i...

0:24:16 > 0:24:17How many Romans?

0:24:17 > 0:24:19Plural, plural. Ite.

0:24:19 > 0:24:20Ite.

0:24:22 > 0:24:23Domus.

0:24:23 > 0:24:25Nominative.

0:24:25 > 0:24:28"Go home," this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?

0:24:28 > 0:24:29Dative.

0:24:29 > 0:24:31Aah! Oh! Not dative, not dative!

0:24:31 > 0:24:33No! Uh, uh...

0:24:32 > 0:24:34The accusative! Accusative!

0:24:34 > 0:24:36Uh, domum, sir. Domum.

0:24:36 > 0:24:38Except that domus takes the...

0:24:38 > 0:24:39The locative!

0:24:39 > 0:24:40Which is?

0:24:40 > 0:24:41Domum!

0:24:41 > 0:24:42Domum.

0:24:42 > 0:24:44Um.

0:24:44 > 0:24:45Understand?

0:24:45 > 0:24:46Yes, sir.

0:24:46 > 0:24:47Write that 100 times.

0:24:47 > 0:24:49Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail caesar.

0:24:49 > 0:24:51Hail Caesar. Finish it by sunrise,

0:24:51 > 0:24:53or I'll cut your balls off.

0:24:53 > 0:24:55Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir!

0:25:16 > 0:25:17Finished!

0:25:18 > 0:25:19Right.

0:25:19 > 0:25:22Now don't do it again.

0:25:45 > 0:25:46Hey, bloody Romans!

0:26:20 > 0:26:21We're getting in

0:26:21 > 0:26:23through this underground heating system,

0:26:23 > 0:26:26up through the main audience chamber here,

0:26:26 > 0:26:28and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.

0:26:28 > 0:26:30Having grabbed his wife,

0:26:30 > 0:26:33we inform Pilate that she's in our custody

0:26:33 > 0:26:34and forthwith issue our demands.

0:26:34 > 0:26:35Any questions?

0:26:35 > 0:26:37What exactly are the demands?

0:26:37 > 0:26:39We're giving Pilate two days

0:26:39 > 0:26:40to dismantle the entire apparatus

0:26:40 > 0:26:41of the Roman imperialist state.

0:26:41 > 0:26:43Unless he agrees immediately,

0:26:43 > 0:26:44we execute her.

0:26:44 > 0:26:45Cut her head off?

0:26:45 > 0:26:47Cut all her bits off,

0:26:47 > 0:26:48send them back hourly.

0:26:48 > 0:26:50Show them we won't be trifled with.

0:26:50 > 0:26:52And, of course, we point out

0:26:52 > 0:26:54that they bear full responsibility

0:26:54 > 0:26:55when we chop her up

0:26:55 > 0:26:58and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

0:26:58 > 0:27:00No blackmail! No blackmail!

0:27:00 > 0:27:02They bled us white, the bastards.

0:27:02 > 0:27:04They've taken everything we had.

0:27:04 > 0:27:05Not just from us -

0:27:05 > 0:27:08from our fathers, and our fathers' fathers.

0:27:08 > 0:27:09And from our fathers'

0:27:09 > 0:27:10fathers' fathers.

0:27:10 > 0:27:11Yeah.

0:27:11 > 0:27:12And from our fathers'

0:27:12 > 0:27:13fathers' fathers' fathers.

0:27:13 > 0:27:14Don't labour the point.

0:27:14 > 0:27:17And what have they ever given us in return?

0:27:19 > 0:27:21The aqueduct?

0:27:20 > 0:27:22What?

0:27:22 > 0:27:23The aqueduct.

0:27:23 > 0:27:25Oh...yeah, yeah. They did give us that.

0:27:25 > 0:27:26That's true.

0:27:26 > 0:27:27And the sanitation.

0:27:27 > 0:27:28Oh, yeah.

0:27:28 > 0:27:29The sanitation, Reg.

0:27:29 > 0:27:32Remember what the city used to be like?

0:27:32 > 0:27:34All right, I'll grant you

0:27:34 > 0:27:35the aqueduct and the sanitation.

0:27:35 > 0:27:37And the roads.

0:27:37 > 0:27:38Well, obviously the roads.

0:27:38 > 0:27:40The roads go without saying, don't they?

0:27:40 > 0:27:42But apart from the sanitation,

0:27:42 > 0:27:44the aqueduct, and the roads...

0:27:44 > 0:27:45Irrigation? Medicine?

0:27:45 > 0:27:47Education?

0:27:47 > 0:27:48All right, fair enough...

0:27:48 > 0:27:49And the wine.

0:27:49 > 0:27:51Yes. Oh, yes.

0:27:51 > 0:27:54Yeah, that's something we'd really miss if the Romans left.

0:27:54 > 0:27:55Public baths.

0:27:55 > 0:27:57It's safe to walk the streets

0:27:57 > 0:27:58at night now, Reg.

0:27:58 > 0:28:00They're the only ones who could keep order

0:28:00 > 0:28:02in a place like this.

0:28:02 > 0:28:03THEY LAUGH

0:28:03 > 0:28:05All right, but apart

0:28:05 > 0:28:06from the sanitation, the medicine,

0:28:06 > 0:28:08education, wine, public order, irrigation,

0:28:08 > 0:28:10roads, the fresh water system,

0:28:10 > 0:28:11and public health,

0:28:11 > 0:28:15what have the Romans ever done for us?

0:28:15 > 0:28:17Brought peace.

0:28:16 > 0:28:18Oh, peace.

0:28:18 > 0:28:19Shut up!

0:28:19 > 0:28:21POUNDING ON DOOR

0:28:27 > 0:28:29KNOCK AT DOOR

0:28:29 > 0:28:31I'm a poor man.

0:28:31 > 0:28:32My stomach is poor,

0:28:32 > 0:28:34my legs are old and bent.

0:28:34 > 0:28:36It's all right, Matthias.

0:28:36 > 0:28:38It's all clear.

0:28:45 > 0:28:47Well, where's Reg?

0:28:48 > 0:28:49Oh, Reg!

0:28:49 > 0:28:50Reg!

0:28:50 > 0:28:52It's Judith.

0:28:52 > 0:28:53What went wrong?

0:28:53 > 0:28:56The first blow has been struck!

0:28:55 > 0:28:57Did he finish the slogan?

0:28:57 > 0:28:59A hundred times!

0:28:58 > 0:29:00In letters 10-foot high,

0:29:00 > 0:29:03all the way around the palace.

0:29:03 > 0:29:05Oh, great!

0:29:05 > 0:29:06Great!

0:29:06 > 0:29:08We need doers in our movement, Brian,

0:29:08 > 0:29:10but before you join us, know this -

0:29:10 > 0:29:11there's not one here

0:29:11 > 0:29:13who would not gladly suffer death

0:29:13 > 0:29:15to rid this country of the Romans forever.

0:29:15 > 0:29:17< Uh, well, one.

0:29:17 > 0:29:19Oh, yeah. There's one.

0:29:19 > 0:29:21But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?

0:29:21 > 0:29:22Yes!

0:29:22 > 0:29:25From now on, you shall be called

0:29:25 > 0:29:28Brian that is called Brian.

0:29:28 > 0:29:31Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace.

0:29:31 > 0:29:32Right.

0:29:32 > 0:29:33This is the plan...

0:29:33 > 0:29:36'Now, this is the palace on Caesar's Square.

0:29:36 > 0:29:38'Our commandos will approach

0:29:38 > 0:29:39'from Fish Street at night

0:29:39 > 0:29:41'and make our way

0:29:41 > 0:29:43'to the north-western main drain.

0:29:43 > 0:29:45'If questioned, we are sewage workers

0:29:45 > 0:29:47'on our way to a conference.

0:29:47 > 0:29:49'Reg, our glorious leader

0:29:49 > 0:29:51'and founder of the PFJ,

0:29:51 > 0:29:52'will be coordinating consultant

0:29:52 > 0:29:53'at the drain head,

0:29:53 > 0:29:56'though he himself will not be taking part

0:29:56 > 0:29:57'in any terrorist action

0:29:57 > 0:29:59'as he has a bad back.'

0:29:59 > 0:30:00Aren't you coming along?

0:30:00 > 0:30:01Solidarity, brother.

0:30:01 > 0:30:03Oh, yes... solidarity, Reg.

0:30:03 > 0:30:05'Once in the sewer,

0:30:05 > 0:30:07'timing will be of the essence.

0:30:07 > 0:30:09'There's a Roman feast later in the evening,

0:30:09 > 0:30:10'so move fast,

0:30:10 > 0:30:12'and don't wear your best sandals.

0:30:12 > 0:30:13'Turning left here,

0:30:13 > 0:30:16we enter the Caesar Augustus memorial sewer,

0:30:16 > 0:30:18'and from there proceed directly to the hypocaust.

0:30:18 > 0:30:21'This has just been retiled, so terrorists -

0:30:21 > 0:30:23'careful with those weapons!

0:30:23 > 0:30:25'We will now be directly beneath

0:30:25 > 0:30:27'Pilate's audience chamber itself.

0:30:27 > 0:30:28'This is the moment

0:30:28 > 0:30:31'for Habbakuk to get out his prong.'

0:31:27 > 0:31:29Shh!

0:31:29 > 0:31:30< Shh!

0:31:46 > 0:31:48Campaign For Free Galilee.

0:31:48 > 0:31:49Oh, uh...

0:31:49 > 0:31:51People's Front Of Judea.

0:31:51 > 0:31:52Officials.

0:31:52 > 0:31:53Oh.

0:31:53 > 0:31:55What're you doing here?

0:31:55 > 0:31:56Kidnap pilot's wife,

0:31:56 > 0:31:57take her back, issue demands.

0:31:57 > 0:32:00So are we. That's our plan.

0:32:00 > 0:32:01We were here first.

0:32:01 > 0:32:03What do you mean?

0:32:03 > 0:32:05We thought of it first,

0:32:05 > 0:32:06a couple of years ago.

0:32:06 > 0:32:08THEY LAUGH

0:32:08 > 0:32:10All your demands worked out?

0:32:10 > 0:32:11Of course.

0:32:11 > 0:32:12What are they?

0:32:12 > 0:32:14I'm not telling you.

0:32:14 > 0:32:15That's not the point.

0:32:15 > 0:32:18We thought of it before you.

0:32:18 > 0:32:19Did not.

0:32:19 > 0:32:20We bloody did!

0:32:20 > 0:32:22We've planned this for months.

0:32:22 > 0:32:24Tough titty for you, fish face.

0:32:24 > 0:32:25Ow!

0:32:27 > 0:32:29Brothers, we should be struggling together.

0:32:29 > 0:32:30We are.

0:32:30 > 0:32:32Ohh!

0:32:32 > 0:32:33We musn't fight each other.

0:32:33 > 0:32:36We should be united against the common enemy.

0:32:36 > 0:32:39The Judean People's Front!

0:32:39 > 0:32:40No, no. The Romans.

0:32:40 > 0:32:44Oh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes.

0:32:43 > 0:32:45(Look out!)

0:32:51 > 0:32:52All right, where were we?

0:32:52 > 0:32:54You had a punch coming.

0:32:54 > 0:32:55Oh, yeah.

0:33:17 > 0:33:18Brothers!

0:33:36 > 0:33:37WHACK!

0:33:46 > 0:33:48Ohh!

0:33:48 > 0:33:49WHIP CRACKS

0:33:49 > 0:33:51Aah!

0:34:10 > 0:34:11Ha ha ha!

0:34:11 > 0:34:13HE SPITS

0:34:18 > 0:34:20< You lucky bastard.

0:34:20 > 0:34:22Who's that?

0:34:22 > 0:34:25You lucky, lucky bastard.

0:34:24 > 0:34:27Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?

0:34:27 > 0:34:28What do you mean?

0:34:28 > 0:34:31You must have slipped him a few shekels.

0:34:31 > 0:34:34Slipped him shekels? You saw him spit in my face.

0:34:34 > 0:34:38What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face?

0:34:38 > 0:34:40I sometimes hang awake nights

0:34:40 > 0:34:43dreaming of being spat at in the face.

0:34:43 > 0:34:44It's not exactly friendly.

0:34:44 > 0:34:46They have me in manacles.

0:34:46 > 0:34:48Manacles! Ahh.

0:34:48 > 0:34:49My idea of heaven

0:34:49 > 0:34:54is to be put in manacles just for a few hours.

0:34:54 > 0:34:58They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny.

0:34:58 > 0:35:00I've had a hard time.

0:35:00 > 0:35:01YOU'VE had a hard time?

0:35:01 > 0:35:03I've been here five years.

0:35:03 > 0:35:06They only hung me the right way up yesterday.

0:35:06 > 0:35:08All right, all right.

0:35:08 > 0:35:12They must think you're Lord God Almighty.

0:35:12 > 0:35:14What will they do to me?

0:35:14 > 0:35:16You'll get away with crucifixion.

0:35:16 > 0:35:17Crucifixion!?

0:35:17 > 0:35:19Yeah. First offence.

0:35:19 > 0:35:21Get away with crucifixion(?) It's...

0:35:21 > 0:35:24Best thing the Romans ever did for us.

0:35:24 > 0:35:26If we didn't have crucifixion,

0:35:26 > 0:35:28this country would be in a bloody mess.

0:35:28 > 0:35:30Nail 'em up, I say.

0:35:30 > 0:35:31Guard!

0:35:31 > 0:35:33Nail some sense into 'em.

0:35:33 > 0:35:35What do you want?

0:35:35 > 0:35:36Move me to another cell. GUARD SPITS

0:35:36 > 0:35:37Ha!

0:35:37 > 0:35:38 Aah.

0:35:38 > 0:35:40Oh. Look at that.

0:35:40 > 0:35:42Bloody favouritism.

0:35:42 > 0:35:43Shut up, you.

0:35:43 > 0:35:44Sorry.

0:35:46 > 0:35:48Now, take my case.

0:35:48 > 0:35:50I've hung here five years.

0:35:50 > 0:35:53Every night they take me down for 20 minutes,

0:35:53 > 0:35:55then hang me up again.

0:35:55 > 0:35:58Very fair in view of what I done.

0:35:58 > 0:36:00It's taught me to respect the Romans.

0:36:00 > 0:36:04It's taught me you'll never get anywhere in this life

0:36:04 > 0:36:08unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work

0:36:08 > 0:36:09for a fair day's...

0:36:09 > 0:36:11Shut up!

0:36:13 > 0:36:15Pilate wants to see you.

0:36:15 > 0:36:18Me? What's he want to see me for?

0:36:18 > 0:36:21Wants to know how you want to be crucified?

0:36:21 > 0:36:23Oh, ha ha ha ha!

0:36:23 > 0:36:25Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.

0:36:25 > 0:36:26Shut up!

0:36:26 > 0:36:28Right. Right.

0:36:29 > 0:36:31Terrific race, the Romans.

0:36:31 > 0:36:33Terrific.

0:36:42 > 0:36:45This will make a nice living area.

0:36:45 > 0:36:48MARCHING FEET

0:36:50 > 0:36:51Hail Caesar.

0:36:51 > 0:36:52Only one survivor, sir.

0:36:52 > 0:36:53Ah!

0:36:53 > 0:36:55HE LISPS: Thwow him down!

0:36:55 > 0:36:56What's that?

0:36:56 > 0:36:58Thwow him to the floor.

0:36:58 > 0:36:59Ah.

0:37:00 > 0:37:02Aah!

0:37:02 > 0:37:03Hmm.

0:37:03 > 0:37:06Now, what is your name...Jew?

0:37:06 > 0:37:08Brian, sir.

0:37:08 > 0:37:09Bwian, eh?

0:37:09 > 0:37:10No. Brian.

0:37:11 > 0:37:12Ow!

0:37:12 > 0:37:13Ha ha.

0:37:13 > 0:37:16The little wascal has spiwit.

0:37:16 > 0:37:17Has what, sir?

0:37:17 > 0:37:18Spiwit.

0:37:18 > 0:37:20Yes. He did, sir.

0:37:20 > 0:37:21No, no.

0:37:21 > 0:37:23Spiwit, bwavado,

0:37:23 > 0:37:25a touch of dewwing-do.

0:37:25 > 0:37:27Oh. About 11:00, sir.

0:37:30 > 0:37:33Tho...you dare to waid us.

0:37:33 > 0:37:35To what, sir?

0:37:35 > 0:37:36Stwike him, centuwion.

0:37:36 > 0:37:37Vewy woughly.

0:37:37 > 0:37:38Ow!

0:37:38 > 0:37:41Oh, and thwow him to the floor, sir?

0:37:41 > 0:37:42What?

0:37:42 > 0:37:43Thwow him down again?

0:37:43 > 0:37:45Oh, yes, please.

0:37:46 > 0:37:47Ow!

0:37:47 > 0:37:51Now...Jewish wapscallion...

0:37:51 > 0:37:53I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.

0:37:53 > 0:37:54A Woman?

0:37:54 > 0:37:56No, no. Roman.

0:37:56 > 0:37:57Ow!

0:37:57 > 0:38:00Oh, your father was a Woman?

0:38:00 > 0:38:02Who was he?

0:38:02 > 0:38:03He was a centurion.

0:38:03 > 0:38:06In the Jerusalem garrisons.

0:38:06 > 0:38:07Weally?

0:38:07 > 0:38:09What was his name?

0:38:09 > 0:38:11Naughtius Maximus.

0:38:11 > 0:38:13HE LAUGHS

0:38:14 > 0:38:17Centuwion, do you have anyone of that name

0:38:17 > 0:38:19in the gawwison?

0:38:19 > 0:38:20Well, no, sir.

0:38:20 > 0:38:22You sound vewy sure.

0:38:22 > 0:38:24Have you checked?

0:38:24 > 0:38:26Well, no, sir.

0:38:26 > 0:38:28Um, I think it's a joke, sir.

0:38:28 > 0:38:32Like Sillius Sodus or Biggus Dickus, sir.

0:38:32 > 0:38:33GUARDS CHORTLE

0:38:33 > 0:38:37What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

0:38:37 > 0:38:40Well, it's a joke name, sir.

0:38:40 > 0:38:43I have a vewy gweat fwiend in wome

0:38:43 > 0:38:45called Biggus Dickus.

0:38:45 > 0:38:47GUARD CHORTLES

0:38:47 > 0:38:48Silence!

0:38:48 > 0:38:50What is all this insolence?

0:38:50 > 0:38:52You will find yourself in gladiator school

0:38:52 > 0:38:53vewy quickly

0:38:53 > 0:38:55with wotten behavior like that.

0:38:55 > 0:38:57Can I go now?

0:38:57 > 0:38:58Ow!

0:38:59 > 0:39:01Wait till Biggus Dickus hears this.

0:39:01 > 0:39:02GUARD CHORTLES

0:39:02 > 0:39:05Wight! Take him away.

0:39:05 > 0:39:07Oh, sir, he...

0:39:07 > 0:39:10I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.

0:39:10 > 0:39:12Come on, you.

0:39:13 > 0:39:16I'll not have my fwiends widiculed

0:39:16 > 0:39:19by the common soldiewy.

0:39:20 > 0:39:24Anybody else feel like a little

0:39:24 > 0:39:26giggle

0:39:25 > 0:39:29when I mention my fwiend

0:39:29 > 0:39:30Biggus...

0:39:30 > 0:39:32HE CHORTLES QUIETLY

0:39:32 > 0:39:33..Dickus?

0:39:37 > 0:39:39What about you?

0:39:39 > 0:39:40Do you find it...

0:39:40 > 0:39:42wisible...

0:39:44 > 0:39:47..when I say the name...

0:39:47 > 0:39:48Biggus...

0:39:48 > 0:39:50HE SQUEAKS

0:39:50 > 0:39:52..Dickus?

0:39:52 > 0:39:53GUARDS CHORTLE

0:40:10 > 0:40:12He has a wife, you know.

0:40:13 > 0:40:15You know what she's called?

0:40:18 > 0:40:21She's called...

0:40:21 > 0:40:22Incontinentia.

0:40:24 > 0:40:26Incontinentia Buttocks.

0:40:26 > 0:40:27Shut up!

0:40:27 > 0:40:29What is all this?

0:40:29 > 0:40:32I've had enough of this wowdy behaviour.

0:40:32 > 0:40:34Silence!

0:40:34 > 0:40:36You call yourself centuwion guards?

0:40:36 > 0:40:37Seize him!

0:40:37 > 0:40:40Blow your noses and seize him.

0:40:51 > 0:40:53Hmm?

0:40:53 > 0:40:55Oh.

0:41:00 > 0:41:03HE WHISTLES A TUNE

0:41:15 > 0:41:17Aaaaaah!

0:41:25 > 0:41:29THEY SPEAK ALIEN LANGUAGE

0:41:29 > 0:41:33ALARM SOUNDS

0:42:31 > 0:42:34Ooh, you lucky bastard.

0:42:50 > 0:42:53And the prisons shall be huge and black,

0:42:53 > 0:42:55and the aisles thereof

0:42:55 > 0:42:58red with the blood of living creatures.

0:42:58 > 0:43:00And the whore of Babylon

0:43:00 > 0:43:04shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent,

0:43:04 > 0:43:05and throughout the lands

0:43:05 > 0:43:09there will be a great rubbing of parts.

0:43:08 > 0:43:13The demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword.

0:43:13 > 0:43:14Nine-bladed,

0:43:14 > 0:43:16not two or five or seven,

0:43:16 > 0:43:17but nine!

0:43:17 > 0:43:20Which he will wield on all wretched sinners

0:43:20 > 0:43:22just like you, sir, there.

0:43:22 > 0:43:25And the horns shall be on the head...

0:43:25 > 0:43:26...Hebediah and his servants.

0:43:26 > 0:43:28There shall in that time

0:43:28 > 0:43:31be rumours of things going astray.

0:43:31 > 0:43:34Um, and there shall be a great confusion

0:43:34 > 0:43:36as to where things really are,

0:43:36 > 0:43:38and nobody will really know

0:43:38 > 0:43:40where lieth those little things

0:43:40 > 0:43:43with a sort of raffia-work base

0:43:43 > 0:43:44that has an attachment.

0:43:44 > 0:43:46At this time,

0:43:46 > 0:43:49a friend shall lose his friend's hammer,

0:43:49 > 0:43:52and the young shall not know where lieth

0:43:52 > 0:43:55the things possessed by their fathers

0:43:54 > 0:43:56that their fathers put there

0:43:56 > 0:43:59only just the night before.

0:43:59 > 0:44:01Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril,

0:44:01 > 0:44:04that in that time...

0:44:13 > 0:44:14How much? Quick.

0:44:14 > 0:44:15What?

0:44:15 > 0:44:17It's for the wife.

0:44:17 > 0:44:18Oh, uh...20 shekels.

0:44:18 > 0:44:19Right.

0:44:19 > 0:44:21There you are.

0:44:21 > 0:44:22Wait a minute.

0:44:22 > 0:44:24We're supposed to haggle.

0:44:24 > 0:44:25No, no.

0:44:25 > 0:44:26What do you mean?

0:44:26 > 0:44:28I haven't got time.

0:44:28 > 0:44:29Give it back then.

0:44:29 > 0:44:30I just paid you.

0:44:30 > 0:44:32Burt, this bloke won't haggle.

0:44:32 > 0:44:33Won't haggle?

0:44:33 > 0:44:34Do we have to?

0:44:34 > 0:44:36I want 20 for that.

0:44:36 > 0:44:38I gave you 20.

0:44:38 > 0:44:41Are you saying that's not worth 20 shekels?

0:44:41 > 0:44:42Feel the quality.

0:44:42 > 0:44:43I'll give you 19.

0:44:43 > 0:44:45Come on. Do it properly.

0:44:45 > 0:44:46Haggle properly.

0:44:46 > 0:44:48This isn't worth 19.

0:44:48 > 0:44:50You said it's worth 20.

0:44:50 > 0:44:51Come on. Haggle.

0:44:51 > 0:44:54All right. I'll give you 10.

0:44:53 > 0:44:55That's more like it.

0:44:55 > 0:44:5710? You trying to insult me?

0:44:57 > 0:44:59Me, with a poor dying grandmother?

0:44:59 > 0:45:01All right. 11.

0:45:01 > 0:45:0311? Did I hear you right?

0:45:03 > 0:45:05This cost me 12.

0:45:05 > 0:45:06Want to ruin me?

0:45:06 > 0:45:0717?

0:45:07 > 0:45:09No, no, no. 17.

0:45:09 > 0:45:1018.

0:45:10 > 0:45:11Go to 14 now.

0:45:11 > 0:45:1314.

0:45:13 > 0:45:1414? Are you joking?

0:45:14 > 0:45:16That's what you said.

0:45:16 > 0:45:18Tell me what to say.

0:45:19 > 0:45:20Offer 14.

0:45:20 > 0:45:2114.

0:45:21 > 0:45:23He's offering me 14 for this.

0:45:23 > 0:45:2415.

0:45:24 > 0:45:2717. Not a penny less.

0:45:27 > 0:45:2916. Done.

0:45:29 > 0:45:31Nice to do business with you.

0:45:31 > 0:45:32I'll throw in this.

0:45:32 > 0:45:34I don't want it.

0:45:34 > 0:45:35Burt.

0:45:35 > 0:45:36All right. All right.

0:45:36 > 0:45:38Where's the 16?

0:45:38 > 0:45:40I just gave you 20.

0:45:40 > 0:45:41I owe you 4.

0:45:41 > 0:45:42I've got it somewhere.

0:45:42 > 0:45:444 for the gourd.

0:45:44 > 0:45:464? For this gourd?

0:45:46 > 0:45:49It's worth 10 if it's worth a shekel.

0:45:49 > 0:45:51You just gave it away.

0:45:51 > 0:45:53But it's WORTH 10.

0:45:53 > 0:45:54All right, all right.

0:45:57 > 0:46:00No, no, no. It's not worth 10.

0:46:00 > 0:46:01You're supposed to argue -

0:46:01 > 0:46:03"10? You must be mad."

0:46:05 > 0:46:07There's one born every minute.

0:46:08 > 0:46:10Daniel.

0:46:10 > 0:46:11Daniel.

0:46:11 > 0:46:12Job.

0:46:12 > 0:46:13Job.

0:46:13 > 0:46:14Joshua.

0:46:14 > 0:46:15Joshua.

0:46:15 > 0:46:16Judges.

0:46:16 > 0:46:17Judges.

0:46:17 > 0:46:18And Brian.

0:46:18 > 0:46:19And Brian.

0:46:19 > 0:46:20And Brian.

0:46:20 > 0:46:23I propose that all seven of these ex-brothers

0:46:23 > 0:46:25be now entered in the minutes

0:46:25 > 0:46:27as probationary martyrs to the cause.

0:46:27 > 0:46:28I second that, Reg.

0:46:28 > 0:46:30Thank you, Loretta.

0:46:30 > 0:46:31On the nod.

0:46:31 > 0:46:34Siblings, let us not be downhearted.

0:46:34 > 0:46:38One total catastrophe like this

0:46:38 > 0:46:39is just the beginning.

0:46:39 > 0:46:43Their glorious deaths should unite us all...

0:46:43 > 0:46:45Look out.

0:46:55 > 0:46:56Hello?

0:46:57 > 0:46:58Matthias?

0:46:59 > 0:47:00Reg?

0:47:00 > 0:47:01Go away.

0:47:02 > 0:47:03Reg?

0:47:03 > 0:47:05It's me - Brian.

0:47:05 > 0:47:06Get off out of it.

0:47:06 > 0:47:07Stan!

0:47:07 > 0:47:08Piss off!

0:47:08 > 0:47:10Yeah, piss off!

0:47:10 > 0:47:11Bugger off!

0:47:11 > 0:47:12POUNDING ON DOOR

0:47:12 > 0:47:13Oh...

0:47:13 > 0:47:14Shit!

0:47:16 > 0:47:17Coming!

0:47:18 > 0:47:19POUNDING CONTINUES

0:47:22 > 0:47:23Yea, verily at that time,

0:47:23 > 0:47:26it was written in the Book Of Obadiah -

0:47:26 > 0:47:28"A man shall strike his donkey

0:47:27 > 0:47:30and his nephew's donkey..."

0:47:33 > 0:47:36My eyes are dim, I cannot see.

0:47:36 > 0:47:38Are you Matthias?

0:47:38 > 0:47:39Yes.

0:47:39 > 0:47:40We have reason to believe

0:47:40 > 0:47:42you're hiding Brian of Nazareth,

0:47:42 > 0:47:44a member of the terrorist organisation,

0:47:44 > 0:47:45the People's Front Of Judea.

0:47:45 > 0:47:46Me? No.

0:47:46 > 0:47:48I'm just a poor old man.

0:47:48 > 0:47:50I've no time for lawbreakers.

0:47:50 > 0:47:52My legs are grey, my ears are null,

0:47:52 > 0:47:54my eyes are old and bent...

0:47:54 > 0:47:55Quiet!

0:47:54 > 0:47:55Silly person.

0:47:55 > 0:47:57Guards, search the house!

0:48:07 > 0:48:10You know the penalty laid down by Roman law

0:48:10 > 0:48:12for harbouring a known criminal?

0:48:12 > 0:48:13No.

0:48:13 > 0:48:14Crucifixion.

0:48:14 > 0:48:15Oh.

0:48:17 > 0:48:18Nasty, eh?

0:48:18 > 0:48:20Could be worse.

0:48:20 > 0:48:22What do you mean, "could be worse"?

0:48:22 > 0:48:24Well, it could be stabbed.

0:48:24 > 0:48:26Stabbed? It takes a second!

0:48:26 > 0:48:28Crucifixion lasts hours!

0:48:28 > 0:48:30It's a slow, horrible death.

0:48:30 > 0:48:32Well, at least it gets you

0:48:32 > 0:48:34out in the open air.

0:48:34 > 0:48:36You're weird.

0:48:44 > 0:48:46Couldn't find anything, sir.

0:48:47 > 0:48:48But don't worry,

0:48:48 > 0:48:50you've not seen the last of us...

0:48:50 > 0:48:51..weirdo.

0:48:51 > 0:48:52Big nose!

0:48:52 > 0:48:53Watch it.

0:48:56 > 0:48:58Whew, that was lucky.

0:49:02 > 0:49:03I'm sorry, Reg.

0:49:03 > 0:49:05Oh, it's all right, siblings...he's sorry.

0:49:05 > 0:49:07He's sorry he led the fifth legion

0:49:07 > 0:49:09straight to our official headquarters.

0:49:09 > 0:49:11That's all right then, Brian.

0:49:11 > 0:49:13Sit down. Make yourself at home.

0:49:13 > 0:49:15You klutz!

0:49:15 > 0:49:17You stupid, bird-brained,

0:49:17 > 0:49:18flat-headed...

0:49:18 > 0:49:21POUNDING ON DOOR

0:49:25 > 0:49:26POUNDING CONTINUES

0:49:26 > 0:49:28My legs are old and bent,

0:49:28 > 0:49:30my ears are grizzled. Yes?

0:49:30 > 0:49:33There's one place we didn't look.

0:49:33 > 0:49:34Guards!

0:49:34 > 0:49:36I'm just a poor old man.

0:49:36 > 0:49:38My sight is poor, my legs are poor,

0:49:38 > 0:49:39and my nose is knackered.

0:49:39 > 0:49:42Have you ever seen anyone crucified?

0:49:42 > 0:49:43Crucifixion's a doddle.

0:49:44 > 0:49:46Don't keep saying that.

0:49:50 > 0:49:52Found this spoon, sir.

0:49:53 > 0:49:54Well done, Sergeant.

0:49:55 > 0:49:58We'll be back...oddball.

0:50:00 > 0:50:02POUNDING ON DOOR

0:50:02 > 0:50:03Open up.

0:50:03 > 0:50:06You haven't given us time to hide.

0:50:07 > 0:50:08Aaaaaah!

0:50:08 > 0:50:09Whaaah!

0:50:17 > 0:50:20And with that sword he shall strike you.

0:50:21 > 0:50:25Those who do not repent shall burn fiercely.

0:50:28 > 0:50:32Don't pass judgment on other people,

0:50:32 > 0:50:34or you might get judged yourself.

0:50:34 > 0:50:35What?

0:50:35 > 0:50:37Don't pass judgment on other people,

0:50:37 > 0:50:40or else you might get judged, too.

0:50:40 > 0:50:41Who, me?

0:50:41 > 0:50:42Yes.

0:50:42 > 0:50:43Thank you.

0:50:43 > 0:50:45Not just you. All of you.

0:50:45 > 0:50:47That's a nice gourd.

0:50:47 > 0:50:49How much for the gourd?

0:50:49 > 0:50:50You can have it.

0:50:50 > 0:50:51Have it?

0:50:51 > 0:50:52Consider the lilies...

0:50:52 > 0:50:54Don't you want to haggle?

0:50:54 > 0:50:55..in the field.

0:50:55 > 0:50:57What's wrong with it?

0:50:57 > 0:50:58Consider the lilies?

0:50:58 > 0:51:00Well, the birds, then.

0:51:00 > 0:51:01What birds?

0:51:01 > 0:51:02Any birds.

0:51:02 > 0:51:03Why?

0:51:03 > 0:51:04Have they got jobs?

0:51:04 > 0:51:05Who?

0:51:05 > 0:51:06The birds.

0:51:06 > 0:51:08Have the birds got jobs?

0:51:08 > 0:51:10What's the matter with him?

0:51:10 > 0:51:12Says the birds are scrounging.

0:51:12 > 0:51:15The point is the birds do all right.

0:51:15 > 0:51:16Good luck to 'em.

0:51:16 > 0:51:17They're very pretty.

0:51:17 > 0:51:20You're much more important than they are,

0:51:20 > 0:51:23so what are you worrying about?

0:51:23 > 0:51:24There you are, see?

0:51:24 > 0:51:27What have you got against birds?

0:51:27 > 0:51:29I haven't got anything against birds.

0:51:29 > 0:51:30Consider the lilies.

0:51:30 > 0:51:32He's going after the flowers.

0:51:32 > 0:51:34I'll give you 1 for it.

0:51:34 > 0:51:35It's yours.

0:51:35 > 0:51:362 then.

0:51:36 > 0:51:38There was this man.

0:51:38 > 0:51:39He had two servants.

0:51:39 > 0:51:40What were they called?

0:51:40 > 0:51:42What were their names?

0:51:42 > 0:51:43I don't know.

0:51:43 > 0:51:45He gave them some talents.

0:51:45 > 0:51:46You don't know?

0:51:46 > 0:51:49He doesn't know what they were called.

0:51:49 > 0:51:50Oh, Simon and Adrian!

0:51:50 > 0:51:53Oh, you said you didn't know.

0:51:53 > 0:51:54It really doesn't matter.

0:51:54 > 0:51:56There were two servants.

0:51:55 > 0:51:58He's making it up as he goes along.

0:51:58 > 0:52:00Wait. Or were there three?

0:52:00 > 0:52:02Oh, he's terrible.

0:52:02 > 0:52:04Stewards.

0:52:04 > 0:52:06Oh, get off!

0:52:08 > 0:52:10Uh...

0:52:11 > 0:52:13Now...now hear this.

0:52:13 > 0:52:14Blessed are they

0:52:14 > 0:52:16who convert their neighbour's oxen,

0:52:16 > 0:52:19for they shall inhibit their girth.

0:52:19 > 0:52:20Rubbish!

0:52:20 > 0:52:24And to them only shall be given...

0:52:24 > 0:52:26To them only...

0:52:26 > 0:52:28shall...

0:52:28 > 0:52:30be given...

0:52:32 > 0:52:33What?

0:52:33 > 0:52:34Hmm?

0:52:34 > 0:52:35Shall be given what?

0:52:35 > 0:52:36Oh, nothing.

0:52:36 > 0:52:39What were you going to say?

0:52:39 > 0:52:41You were going to say something.

0:52:41 > 0:52:43Come on, tell us.

0:52:43 > 0:52:44I'm finished.

0:52:44 > 0:52:46Why won't he tell us?

0:52:46 > 0:52:47He won't say.

0:52:47 > 0:52:50It ain't a secret, is it?

0:52:50 > 0:52:51Oh, tell us.

0:52:51 > 0:52:52Leave me alone.

0:52:52 > 0:52:55Is it the secret of eternal life?

0:52:55 > 0:52:58If I knew, I wouldn't say either.

0:52:58 > 0:52:59Just tell ME, please.

0:52:59 > 0:53:02Tell us, master. We were here first.

0:53:02 > 0:53:04We were here first.

0:53:04 > 0:53:05Go away!

0:53:05 > 0:53:06Tell us, master.

0:53:06 > 0:53:08Is that his gourd?

0:53:08 > 0:53:10Yeah, but it's under offer.

0:53:10 > 0:53:12This is his gourd.

0:53:12 > 0:53:1310!

0:53:13 > 0:53:15It is his gourd.

0:53:15 > 0:53:18We will carry it for you, master.

0:53:18 > 0:53:19Master?

0:53:19 > 0:53:20He's gone.

0:53:20 > 0:53:23He's been taken up.

0:53:23 > 0:53:25He's been taken up!

0:53:25 > 0:53:2719!

0:53:27 > 0:53:28No, there he is.

0:53:53 > 0:53:55Look!

0:53:55 > 0:53:57He has given us a sign.

0:53:57 > 0:53:59He has given us...

0:53:59 > 0:54:00his shoe!

0:53:59 > 0:54:01His shoe is the sign.

0:54:01 > 0:54:03Let us follow his example.

0:54:03 > 0:54:05Let us, like him, hold up one shoe,

0:54:05 > 0:54:08with the other upon our foot.

0:54:07 > 0:54:11This is his sign that all who follow him

0:54:11 > 0:54:12shall do likewise.

0:54:12 > 0:54:14No. The shoe is a sign

0:54:14 > 0:54:16that we must gather shoes.

0:54:16 > 0:54:18Cast off the shoes.

0:54:18 > 0:54:19Follow the gourd.

0:54:19 > 0:54:21Let us gather shoes together.

0:54:21 > 0:54:23No. It is a sign

0:54:23 > 0:54:26we must think not of the things of the body,

0:54:26 > 0:54:29but of the face and head.

0:54:29 > 0:54:30Give me your shoe.

0:54:30 > 0:54:31Get off.

0:54:31 > 0:54:33Follow the gourd,

0:54:33 > 0:54:35the holy gourd of Jerusalem.

0:54:35 > 0:54:36Hold up the sandal.

0:54:36 > 0:54:38It is a shoe.

0:54:38 > 0:54:39It is a sandal.

0:54:39 > 0:54:42No, it's not. It's a shoe.

0:54:42 > 0:54:43Cast it away!

0:54:43 > 0:54:45Put it on!

0:54:44 > 0:54:47Take the shoes and follow him.

0:54:47 > 0:54:49Come, all ye, to the gourd.

0:54:49 > 0:54:51The shoe! The gourd!

0:54:51 > 0:54:52The gourd! The shoe!

0:54:52 > 0:54:55The shoe! The gourd!

0:54:54 > 0:54:57Stop. Let us...

0:54:57 > 0:55:00let us pray.

0:55:00 > 0:55:02Yea, he cometh to us

0:55:02 > 0:55:05like the sea to the grave...

0:55:26 > 0:55:28Master!

0:55:28 > 0:55:30Master!

0:55:50 > 0:55:54Hey! Is there another way down?

0:55:54 > 0:55:58Is there another path down to the river?

0:55:58 > 0:56:01Please help me. I've got to get...

0:56:04 > 0:56:06Oh, my foot! Oh.

0:56:06 > 0:56:07Shh!

0:56:07 > 0:56:09Oh, damn, damn, damn.

0:56:09 > 0:56:11I'm sorry.

0:56:10 > 0:56:13Oh, damn, damn, and blast it.

0:56:13 > 0:56:14I'm sorry. Shh!

0:56:14 > 0:56:15Don't you shh me.

0:56:15 > 0:56:1718 years of total silence,

0:56:17 > 0:56:19and you shh me.

0:56:19 > 0:56:22I've kept my vow for 18 years.

0:56:22 > 0:56:25Not a single articulate sound has passed my lips.

0:56:25 > 0:56:28Could you be quiet for another five minutes?

0:56:28 > 0:56:29It doesn't matter now.

0:56:29 > 0:56:31I might as well enjoy myself.

0:56:31 > 0:56:34The times I've wanted to shout and sing

0:56:33 > 0:56:35and scream my name out.

0:56:35 > 0:56:37Oh, I'm alive!

0:56:37 > 0:56:38Shh!

0:56:38 > 0:56:40# Hava nagilah

0:56:40 > 0:56:41# Hava nagilah

0:56:41 > 0:56:43# Hava nag... #

0:56:44 > 0:56:46I'm alive! I'm alive!

0:56:46 > 0:56:47Hello, birds. Hello, trees.

0:56:47 > 0:56:50I'm alive!

0:56:50 > 0:56:51I'm alive!

0:56:51 > 0:56:53# Hava nagilah

0:56:53 > 0:56:54# Hava na re nen... #

0:56:56 > 0:56:57Master!

0:56:57 > 0:56:59Master!

0:56:59 > 0:57:00The master!

0:57:00 > 0:57:02He is here.

0:57:02 > 0:57:03His shoe!

0:57:07 > 0:57:10Speak! Speak to us, master! Speak to us!

0:57:10 > 0:57:12Go away!

0:57:12 > 0:57:13A blessing!

0:57:13 > 0:57:15A blessing!

0:57:15 > 0:57:17How shall we go away, master?

0:57:17 > 0:57:19Oh, just go away. Leave me alone.

0:57:19 > 0:57:21Give us a sign.

0:57:21 > 0:57:23He HAS given us a sign.

0:57:23 > 0:57:25He's brought us to this place.

0:57:25 > 0:57:28I didn't bring you here. You followed me.

0:57:28 > 0:57:30It's still a good sign by any standard.

0:57:30 > 0:57:34Your people have walked many miles to be with you.

0:57:34 > 0:57:35They're weary and haven't eaten.

0:57:35 > 0:57:38It's not my fault they haven't eaten.

0:57:38 > 0:57:40There's no food in this high mountain.

0:57:40 > 0:57:42What about those juniper bushes there?

0:57:43 > 0:57:45Ah! A miracle!

0:57:45 > 0:57:47A miracle!

0:57:47 > 0:57:50He has made the bush fruitful by his word.

0:57:50 > 0:57:52They've brought forth juniper berries.

0:57:52 > 0:57:55Of course they have. They're juniper bushes!

0:57:55 > 0:57:57What do you expect?

0:57:57 > 0:57:59Show us another miracle.

0:57:59 > 0:58:01Do not tempt him, shallow ones.

0:58:01 > 0:58:05Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?

0:58:05 > 0:58:07I say, those are my juniper bushes.

0:58:07 > 0:58:09They're a gift from God.

0:58:09 > 0:58:11They're all I've bloody got to eat.

0:58:11 > 0:58:14I say, get off those bushes! Go on!

0:58:15 > 0:58:20Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.

0:58:20 > 0:58:21I am healed!

0:58:21 > 0:58:23The master has healed me!

0:58:23 > 0:58:24I didn't touch him!

0:58:24 > 0:58:27I was blind, and now I can see.

0:58:26 > 0:58:28A miracle!

0:58:28 > 0:58:29A miracle!

0:58:29 > 0:58:31A miracle!

0:58:32 > 0:58:34Tell them to stop it.

0:58:34 > 0:58:37I've been silent for 18 years till he came along.

0:58:37 > 0:58:39A miracle!

0:58:39 > 0:58:41He is the Messiah!

0:58:41 > 0:58:43He hurt my foot.

0:58:42 > 0:58:46Hurt mine! Hurt mine!

0:58:46 > 0:58:47Hail Messiah!

0:58:47 > 0:58:49I'm not the Messiah.

0:58:49 > 0:58:52I say you are, and I should know.

0:58:52 > 0:58:53I've followed a few.

0:58:53 > 0:58:55Hail Messiah!

0:58:55 > 0:58:57I'm not the Messiah! Would you please listen?

0:58:57 > 0:58:59I'm not the Messiah.

0:58:59 > 0:59:01Do you understand? Honestly!

0:59:01 > 0:59:05Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

0:59:05 > 0:59:06What?

0:59:06 > 0:59:09What sort of chance does that give me?

0:59:09 > 0:59:11All right. I AM the Messiah.

0:59:11 > 0:59:12He is!

0:59:12 > 0:59:13He is!

0:59:13 > 0:59:14The Messiah!

0:59:14 > 0:59:17Now fuck off!

0:59:24 > 0:59:26How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

0:59:26 > 0:59:28Just go away. Leave me alone.

0:59:28 > 0:59:31You told them to eat my juniper berries.

0:59:31 > 0:59:32You break my foot,

0:59:32 > 0:59:34you break my vow of silence,

0:59:34 > 0:59:37then you clean out my juniper bushes!

0:59:37 > 0:59:38Lay off!

0:59:37 > 0:59:40This is the Messiah, the chosen one!

0:59:40 > 0:59:42No, he's not.

0:59:42 > 0:59:43An unbeliever!

0:59:43 > 0:59:45An unbeliever!

0:59:45 > 0:59:47Persecute! Kill the heretic!

0:59:51 > 0:59:55Leave him alone! Leave him alone!

0:59:56 > 0:59:58Leave him alone.

0:59:58 > 0:59:59Put him down.

0:59:59 > 1:00:01Please!

1:00:04 > 1:00:05Brian?

1:00:05 > 1:00:07Judith?

1:00:12 > 1:00:13Cock-a-doodle-doo!

1:00:52 > 1:00:57Lord is with us! The chosen one has woken!

1:00:59 > 1:01:00Brian!

1:01:01 > 1:01:03Mother!

1:01:03 > 1:01:04Brian!

1:01:04 > 1:01:06Hang on, mother.

1:01:05 > 1:01:07Shh.

1:01:09 > 1:01:10Hello, mother.

1:01:10 > 1:01:12Don't you "hello mother" me.

1:01:12 > 1:01:14What are all those people doing out there?

1:01:14 > 1:01:15Well...

1:01:15 > 1:01:18What have you been up to, my lad?

1:01:18 > 1:01:20They must have popped by for something.

1:01:20 > 1:01:21Popped by?

1:01:21 > 1:01:22Swarmed by, more like.

1:01:22 > 1:01:24There's a multitude out there.

1:01:24 > 1:01:26They started following me yesterday.

1:01:26 > 1:01:30Well, they can stop following you right now.

1:01:31 > 1:01:33Now stop following my son.

1:01:33 > 1:01:36You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

1:01:36 > 1:01:37The Messiah! The Messiah!

1:01:37 > 1:01:38The Messiah! The Messiah!

1:01:38 > 1:01:40Show us the Messiah!

1:01:40 > 1:01:41The who?

1:01:41 > 1:01:43The Messiah! The Messiah!

1:01:43 > 1:01:45There's no Messiah in here.

1:01:45 > 1:01:47There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah.

1:01:47 > 1:01:49Now go away!

1:01:49 > 1:01:50Brian! Brian! Brian!

1:01:50 > 1:01:53Right, my lad, what have you been up to?

1:01:53 > 1:01:54Nothing, mum.

1:01:54 > 1:01:55Out with it!

1:01:55 > 1:01:57They think I'm the Messiah.

1:01:57 > 1:01:59What have you been telling them?

1:01:59 > 1:02:02You're only making it worse for yourself.

1:02:02 > 1:02:03I can explain.

1:02:03 > 1:02:05Let me explain, Mrs Cohen.

1:02:05 > 1:02:08Your son is a born leader.

1:02:07 > 1:02:10Those people follow him because they believe in him.

1:02:10 > 1:02:13They believe he can give them hope,

1:02:13 > 1:02:15hope of a new life, a new world,

1:02:15 > 1:02:17a better future!

1:02:19 > 1:02:20Who's that?

1:02:20 > 1:02:21Oh! That's...

1:02:21 > 1:02:22Judith, mum.

1:02:22 > 1:02:24Judith...mother.

1:02:25 > 1:02:26Aah!

1:02:27 > 1:02:29Ooh...

1:02:29 > 1:02:30< Messiah!

1:02:30 > 1:02:32< Messiah!

1:02:32 > 1:02:33Messiah!

1:02:33 > 1:02:34Messiah!

1:02:34 > 1:02:35Now, you listen here.

1:02:35 > 1:02:37He's not the Messiah.

1:02:37 > 1:02:39He's a very naughty boy.

1:02:39 > 1:02:41Now go away.

1:02:41 > 1:02:42Who are you? Who are you?

1:02:42 > 1:02:45I'm his mother, that's who.

1:02:45 > 1:02:47Behold, his mother!

1:02:47 > 1:02:49Behold, his mother!

1:02:49 > 1:02:52Hail to thee, mother of Brian!

1:02:52 > 1:02:54Blessed art thou!

1:02:54 > 1:02:56Hosanna!

1:02:56 > 1:03:00All praise to thee, now and always.

1:03:00 > 1:03:04Don't think you can get around me like that.

1:03:04 > 1:03:05He's not coming out,

1:03:05 > 1:03:07and that's my final word.

1:03:08 > 1:03:09Now shove off!

1:03:09 > 1:03:11No!

1:03:11 > 1:03:14Did you hear what I said?

1:03:14 > 1:03:15Yes!

1:03:15 > 1:03:17Oh. I see.

1:03:17 > 1:03:18It's like that, is it?

1:03:18 > 1:03:19Yes!

1:03:19 > 1:03:21Oh, all right, then.

1:03:21 > 1:03:23You can see him for one minute,

1:03:23 > 1:03:25but not one second more.

1:03:25 > 1:03:26You understand?

1:03:26 > 1:03:28Yes.

1:03:27 > 1:03:28Promise?

1:03:28 > 1:03:32Well, all right.

1:03:32 > 1:03:34All right. Here he is then.

1:03:34 > 1:03:36Come on, Brian. Talk to them.

1:03:36 > 1:03:38Leave that Welsh tart alone.

1:03:38 > 1:03:41I don't really want to.

1:03:47 > 1:03:48Good morning.

1:03:48 > 1:03:51A blessing! A blessing!

1:03:51 > 1:03:52A blessing!

1:03:52 > 1:03:56Please, please, please, listen.

1:03:56 > 1:03:58I've got one or two things to say.

1:03:58 > 1:04:01Tell us! Tell us both of them!

1:04:01 > 1:04:03Look, you've got it all wrong.

1:04:03 > 1:04:06You don't need to follow me.

1:04:06 > 1:04:09You don't need to follow anybody!

1:04:09 > 1:04:12You've got to think for yourselves.

1:04:12 > 1:04:14You're all individuals.

1:04:14 > 1:04:17Yes! We're all individuals!

1:04:17 > 1:04:20You're all different.

1:04:19 > 1:04:22Yes! We're all different! Yes! We're all different!

1:04:22 > 1:04:24I'm not.

1:04:24 > 1:04:25Shh.

1:04:25 > 1:04:29You've all got to work it out for yourselves.

1:04:29 > 1:04:33Yes! We've all got to work it out for ourselves!

1:04:33 > 1:04:35Exactly.

1:04:35 > 1:04:37Tell us more! Tell us more!

1:04:37 > 1:04:38No! That's the point.

1:04:38 > 1:04:41Don't let anyone tell you what to do.

1:04:41 > 1:04:43Otherwise... Ow! No!

1:04:43 > 1:04:45Sit down. That's enough.

1:04:45 > 1:04:50Boo! That wasn't a minute! Boo! That wasn't a minute!

1:04:50 > 1:04:52Oh, yes, it was.

1:04:52 > 1:04:55Oh, no, it wasn't! Oh, no, it wasn't!

1:04:55 > 1:04:56Now stop that,

1:04:56 > 1:04:57and go away.

1:04:57 > 1:04:58Excuse me.

1:04:58 > 1:05:00Yes?

1:05:00 > 1:05:01Are you a virgin?

1:05:01 > 1:05:04I beg your pardon.

1:05:04 > 1:05:07Well, if it's not a personal question,

1:05:07 > 1:05:08are you a virgin?

1:05:08 > 1:05:11"If it's not a personal question?"

1:05:11 > 1:05:13How much more personal can you get?

1:05:13 > 1:05:15Now piss off!

1:05:17 > 1:05:18Must be. She is.

1:05:18 > 1:05:20Yeah. Definitely.

1:05:24 > 1:05:26Morning, Saviour.

1:05:34 > 1:05:37Lay your hands on me, quick!

1:05:37 > 1:05:40Now, don't jostle the chosen one, please!

1:05:40 > 1:05:43Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face.

1:05:43 > 1:05:45I say, I say,

1:05:45 > 1:05:48could he just see my wife?

1:05:48 > 1:05:50You'll have to wait, I'm afraid.

1:05:50 > 1:05:52Very bad, we've got a luncheon appointment.

1:05:52 > 1:05:54The lepers are queueing.

1:05:54 > 1:05:57My brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath!

1:05:57 > 1:05:59Brian, can I introduce the gentleman

1:05:59 > 1:06:02who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday?

1:06:02 > 1:06:03Don't push!

1:06:04 > 1:06:06Keep the noise down, please!

1:06:06 > 1:06:07Those possessed by devils,

1:06:07 > 1:06:11try and keep them under control, can you?

1:06:11 > 1:06:14< Incurables, you'll just have to wait.

1:06:14 > 1:06:15Women taken in sin,

1:06:15 > 1:06:18line up against that wall, will you?

1:06:19 > 1:06:20Brian?

1:06:20 > 1:06:23Brian, you were fantastic!

1:06:23 > 1:06:25You weren't so bad yourself.

1:06:25 > 1:06:27No - what you said just now.

1:06:27 > 1:06:28Quite extraordinary.

1:06:28 > 1:06:29What? Was it?

1:06:29 > 1:06:31We don't need any leaders.

1:06:31 > 1:06:34Reg has been dominating us for too long.

1:06:34 > 1:06:35Well, yes.

1:06:35 > 1:06:36It needed saying,

1:06:36 > 1:06:37and you said it, Brian.

1:06:37 > 1:06:39You're very attractive.

1:06:39 > 1:06:40It's OUR revolution.

1:06:40 > 1:06:42We can all do it together.

1:06:42 > 1:06:43I think...

1:06:43 > 1:06:44We're all behind you, Brian.

1:06:44 > 1:06:47The revolution is in your hands.

1:06:46 > 1:06:47What?

1:06:47 > 1:06:50No. That's not what I meant at all!

1:06:50 > 1:06:53You're fucking nicked, me old beauty.

1:06:53 > 1:06:54Right.

1:07:01 > 1:07:02Stop it.

1:07:04 > 1:07:08Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.

1:07:08 > 1:07:09A what?

1:07:09 > 1:07:14This time, I guawantee you'll not escape.

1:07:14 > 1:07:16Guard,

1:07:16 > 1:07:19do we have any cwucifixions today?

1:07:19 > 1:07:20139, sir.

1:07:20 > 1:07:22Special celebration - Passover, sir.

1:07:22 > 1:07:25Wight. Now we have 140.

1:07:24 > 1:07:26Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?

1:07:29 > 1:07:30Hail Caesar.

1:07:30 > 1:07:31Hail.

1:07:31 > 1:07:33The crowd's getting a bit restless, sir.

1:07:33 > 1:07:35Permission to disperse, please.

1:07:35 > 1:07:36Disperse them?

1:07:36 > 1:07:38But I haven't addwessed them yet.

1:07:38 > 1:07:40Uh, I know, sir, but...

1:07:40 > 1:07:43My addwess is a high point of Passover.

1:07:43 > 1:07:45Biggus Dickus has come from Wome just to hear it.

1:07:45 > 1:07:46Hail caesar.

1:07:46 > 1:07:48Hail thaesar!

1:07:48 > 1:07:49You're not...

1:07:51 > 1:07:54Uh, you're not thinking of giving it a miss, sir?

1:07:54 > 1:07:56Give it a miss?

1:07:56 > 1:08:00They're just in a rather funny mood today, sir.

1:08:00 > 1:08:01Weally, centuwion,

1:08:01 > 1:08:03I'm surpwised a man like you

1:08:03 > 1:08:05wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

1:08:05 > 1:08:07A bit thundery, sir.

1:08:07 > 1:08:08Lead him away.

1:08:08 > 1:08:11I'm a Roman. I can prove it.

1:08:11 > 1:08:14And cwucify him well.

1:08:14 > 1:08:15Biggus.

1:08:17 > 1:08:18I really wouldn't, sir.

1:08:18 > 1:08:19Out of the way, centuwion.

1:08:19 > 1:08:21Let me join you.

1:08:21 > 1:08:24I may be of athithtance if there ith a thudden crithith.

1:08:26 > 1:08:28Now, regarding attainment of world supremacy

1:08:28 > 1:08:30within the next five years...

1:08:30 > 1:08:32Francis, you've been working on this?

1:08:32 > 1:08:33Thank you, Reg.

1:08:33 > 1:08:36Siblings, I think five years is optimistic

1:08:36 > 1:08:38unless we can smash the Roman Empire

1:08:38 > 1:08:40within the next 12 months.

1:08:40 > 1:08:4112 months.

1:08:41 > 1:08:42And let's face it -

1:08:42 > 1:08:45as empires go, this is the big one.

1:08:45 > 1:08:49We got to get off our arses and stop talking about it.

1:08:49 > 1:08:50Hear, hear.

1:08:50 > 1:08:52I agree. It's action that counts,

1:08:52 > 1:08:53and we need action now.

1:08:53 > 1:08:54Hear, hear.

1:08:54 > 1:08:57Right. We sit around all day, talking,

1:08:57 > 1:08:59passing resolutions, making clever speeches,

1:08:58 > 1:09:01it's not affecting one Roman soldier!

1:09:01 > 1:09:04So let's stop gabbing on about.

1:09:04 > 1:09:05It's completely pointless,

1:09:05 > 1:09:07and it's getting us nowhere.

1:09:07 > 1:09:09Agree. This is a complete waste of time.

1:09:10 > 1:09:12They've arrested Brian!

1:09:12 > 1:09:13What? What?

1:09:13 > 1:09:14They've dragged him off.

1:09:14 > 1:09:16They're going to crucify him!

1:09:16 > 1:09:19Right. This calls for immediate discussion.

1:09:19 > 1:09:20What?

1:09:20 > 1:09:21Immediate.

1:09:21 > 1:09:22New motion?

1:09:22 > 1:09:24Completely new motion that, uh...

1:09:24 > 1:09:27..that there be immediate action...

1:09:27 > 1:09:28Once the vote's been taken...

1:09:28 > 1:09:31Obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't...

1:09:31 > 1:09:33Reg, they're doing it now! Please!

1:09:33 > 1:09:36Right. In light of fresh information

1:09:36 > 1:09:37from, uh, sibling Judith...

1:09:37 > 1:09:39Not so fast, Reg.

1:09:39 > 1:09:40Reg! For God's sake!

1:09:40 > 1:09:42It's perfectly simple.

1:09:42 > 1:09:45All you've got to do is go out that door now

1:09:45 > 1:09:48and stop the Romans nailing him up!

1:09:48 > 1:09:49It's happening, Reg!

1:09:49 > 1:09:52Something's actually happening, Reg!

1:09:52 > 1:09:54Can't you understand?

1:09:54 > 1:09:56Ohh!

1:09:59 > 1:10:00Yep. Hello.

1:10:00 > 1:10:03A little ego trip from the feminists...

1:10:03 > 1:10:04What?

1:10:04 > 1:10:05Oh, sorry, Loretta.

1:10:05 > 1:10:08Uh, read that back, would you?

1:10:20 > 1:10:22Next.

1:10:22 > 1:10:23Crucifixion?

1:10:23 > 1:10:24Yes.

1:10:23 > 1:10:25Good.

1:10:25 > 1:10:28Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.

1:10:28 > 1:10:29Next.

1:10:29 > 1:10:30Crucifixion?

1:10:30 > 1:10:32Good.

1:10:32 > 1:10:35Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.

1:10:35 > 1:10:36Next.

1:10:36 > 1:10:37Crucifixion?

1:10:37 > 1:10:38Uh, no. Freedom.

1:10:38 > 1:10:39What?

1:10:39 > 1:10:40Freedom for me.

1:10:40 > 1:10:46They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free.

1:10:46 > 1:10:47Oh, that's jolly good.

1:10:47 > 1:10:48Well, off you go.

1:10:48 > 1:10:51I'm only joking. It's crucifixion really.

1:10:51 > 1:10:53Oh, I see. Very good.

1:10:53 > 1:10:54Well, out the door...

1:10:54 > 1:10:58I know. One cross each, line on the left.

1:10:58 > 1:10:59Crucifixion?

1:10:59 > 1:11:00Yes.

1:11:00 > 1:11:01Good.

1:11:01 > 1:11:05FANFARE

1:11:14 > 1:11:17People of Jewusalem...

1:11:19 > 1:11:22Wome is your fwiend.

1:11:22 > 1:11:24THEY LAUGH

1:11:26 > 1:11:28To pwove our fwiendship,

1:11:28 > 1:11:30it is customawy at this time

1:11:30 > 1:11:34to welease a wongdoer from our pwison.

1:11:34 > 1:11:35THEY LAUGH

1:11:35 > 1:11:36 GUARDS SNICKER

1:11:39 > 1:11:43Whom would you have me welease?

1:11:43 > 1:11:44Welease Woger!

1:11:46 > 1:11:47Welease Woger!

1:11:47 > 1:11:48Welease Woger!

1:11:48 > 1:11:50THEY LAUGH

1:11:52 > 1:11:53Vewy well.

1:11:53 > 1:11:57I shall welease Woger!

1:11:59 > 1:12:02Sir, we don't have a Roger, sir.

1:12:02 > 1:12:03What?

1:12:03 > 1:12:06We don't have anyone of that name, sir.

1:12:06 > 1:12:09We have no Woger.

1:12:08 > 1:12:11THEY GROAN

1:12:11 > 1:12:13What about Woderick, then?

1:12:13 > 1:12:15Welease Woderick!

1:12:15 > 1:12:17Welease Woderick!

1:12:17 > 1:12:19Centuwion,

1:12:19 > 1:12:22why do they titter so?

1:12:22 > 1:12:26Just some, uh... Jewish joke, sir.

1:12:27 > 1:12:29Are they...

1:12:29 > 1:12:30wagging me?

1:12:32 > 1:12:34Oh, no, sir.

1:12:35 > 1:12:37Vewy well.

1:12:36 > 1:12:39I shall welease Woderick.

1:12:39 > 1:12:41We don't have a Roderick either.

1:12:41 > 1:12:43No Woger, no Woderick...

1:12:43 > 1:12:45Sorry, sir.

1:12:45 > 1:12:47Who is this Wo...

1:12:47 > 1:12:49Who is this Woderick to whom you wefer?

1:12:49 > 1:12:51He's a wobber!

1:12:51 > 1:12:53And a wapist!

1:12:55 > 1:12:57And a pickpocket!

1:12:57 > 1:12:59Ah, shut up.

1:13:00 > 1:13:02He sounds a notorious criminal.

1:13:02 > 1:13:04We haven't got him, sir.

1:13:04 > 1:13:07Is anyone in our pwisons at all?

1:13:07 > 1:13:09Yes, we got a Samson, sir.

1:13:09 > 1:13:11Samson the Sadducee strangler, sir.

1:13:11 > 1:13:13Silas the Assyrian assassin.

1:13:13 > 1:13:17Several seditious scribes from Caesarea.

1:13:17 > 1:13:18Uh, 67...

1:13:18 > 1:13:21Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth.

1:13:21 > 1:13:22Good idea, Biggus.

1:13:22 > 1:13:24Thitithens,

1:13:24 > 1:13:27we have thamthon the Thaduccee thtrangler,

1:13:27 > 1:13:29thilas the Atthyrian athathin...

1:13:29 > 1:13:30CROWD LAUGHS

1:13:30 > 1:13:33Theveral theditious thcribes from Thaetharea...

1:13:33 > 1:13:34Next.

1:13:35 > 1:13:36Crucifixion?

1:13:36 > 1:13:37Yes.

1:13:37 > 1:13:39Good.

1:13:39 > 1:13:42Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.

1:13:42 > 1:13:43Excuse me. There's been a mistake.

1:13:43 > 1:13:45Just a moment.

1:13:45 > 1:13:47Jailer, how many have come through?

1:13:47 > 1:13:49What?

1:13:49 > 1:13:52Uh, how many have come through?

1:13:52 > 1:13:53What?

1:13:53 > 1:13:56Uh, y-y-you'll have to sp-

1:13:56 > 1:14:01sp-sp-sp-speak up a bit. He's-he's-

1:14:01 > 1:14:03he's d- he's d-

1:14:03 > 1:14:06he's d-deaf as a p-p-post, sir.

1:14:06 > 1:14:10Uh, how many have come through?

1:14:13 > 1:14:14Oh, dear.

1:14:14 > 1:14:18I make it ninety-f-, ninety-f-

1:14:18 > 1:14:21ninety-f-

1:14:21 > 1:14:22Ninety-six, sir.

1:14:23 > 1:14:25Such a waste of human life, isn't it?

1:14:25 > 1:14:27N-n-n-no, sir.

1:14:27 > 1:14:30N-not with these b-

1:14:30 > 1:14:34b-bastards, sir.

1:14:34 > 1:14:37C-cr-c-

1:14:37 > 1:14:39c-crucifixion's too good for them, sir.

1:14:39 > 1:14:41I don't know about that.

1:14:41 > 1:14:42It's very nasty.

1:14:42 > 1:14:46It's not n-n-n-n-

1:14:46 > 1:14:50n-n-not as n-nasty as something I just thought up, sir.

1:14:50 > 1:14:51Now, crucifixion?

1:14:51 > 1:14:54Is there someone I can speak to?

1:14:54 > 1:14:57I know where to get it if you want it.

1:14:57 > 1:14:58What?

1:14:58 > 1:15:00Don't-don't worry about him.

1:15:00 > 1:15:02He's d- he's d-

1:15:01 > 1:15:05he's d-d-d- he's deaf and m-m-mad, sir.

1:15:05 > 1:15:08Well, how did he get the job?

1:15:08 > 1:15:10Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.

1:15:09 > 1:15:11Hurry up. >

1:15:11 > 1:15:14There's people waiting to be crucified out here.

1:15:14 > 1:15:16Could I see a lawyer?

1:15:16 > 1:15:18Do you have a lawyer?

1:15:18 > 1:15:19No, but I'm Roman.

1:15:19 > 1:15:21Retrial. We got plenty of time.

1:15:21 > 1:15:22Shut up, you!

1:15:22 > 1:15:26Bloody Romans. No sense of humour.

1:15:26 > 1:15:28Sorry. Bit of a hurry.

1:15:28 > 1:15:29Line on the left,

1:15:29 > 1:15:30one cross each.

1:15:30 > 1:15:31Now...

1:15:31 > 1:15:33THEY LAUGH RIOTOUSLY

1:15:40 > 1:15:43Was it thomething I thaid?

1:15:43 > 1:15:45Silence!

1:15:48 > 1:15:51This man commands a cwack legion.

1:15:56 > 1:15:58He wanks as high as any in Wome.

1:16:02 > 1:16:03Ahem.

1:16:03 > 1:16:05Crucifixion party.

1:16:06 > 1:16:08Morning.

1:16:07 > 1:16:11Now, we will be on show as we go through town.

1:16:11 > 1:16:13Don't let the side down.

1:16:13 > 1:16:15Give it a good straight line

1:16:15 > 1:16:17and a good steady pace.

1:16:17 > 1:16:19Crosses over your left shoulders.

1:16:19 > 1:16:22If you keep your backs hard against the cross,

1:16:22 > 1:16:25you'll be there in no time.

1:16:25 > 1:16:26All right, centurion.

1:16:26 > 1:16:28Crucifixion party...

1:16:28 > 1:16:30Wait for it.

1:16:30 > 1:16:33Crucifixion party,

1:16:33 > 1:16:35by the left,

1:16:34 > 1:16:36forward!

1:16:40 > 1:16:43You lucky bastards!

1:16:44 > 1:16:47You lucky, jammy bastards!

1:16:53 > 1:16:54Oh, oh.

1:16:54 > 1:16:56Oh, oh, oh.

1:16:56 > 1:16:58Let me shoulder your burden, brother.

1:16:58 > 1:16:59Thank you.

1:17:01 > 1:17:02Hey.

1:17:02 > 1:17:05Hey, what do you think you're doing?

1:17:05 > 1:17:06It's not my cross.

1:17:06 > 1:17:09Shut up and get on with it!

1:17:10 > 1:17:12He had you there, mate, didn't he?

1:17:12 > 1:17:15That will teach you a lesson.

1:17:14 > 1:17:17All wight.

1:17:17 > 1:17:20I will give you one more chance.

1:17:20 > 1:17:23This time I want to hear no Womans,

1:17:23 > 1:17:26no Weginalds,

1:17:26 > 1:17:29no Wudolf the Wed-Nosed Weindeers...

1:17:29 > 1:17:31No Thpenther Tracys.

1:17:31 > 1:17:33Or we shall release no one.

1:17:33 > 1:17:34Release Brian!

1:17:34 > 1:17:36That's a good one.

1:17:36 > 1:17:37Yeah.

1:17:36 > 1:17:38Release Brian!

1:17:38 > 1:17:41Release Brian!

1:17:41 > 1:17:42Vewy well.

1:17:42 > 1:17:44That's it.

1:17:44 > 1:17:46We HAVE got a Brian, sir.

1:17:45 > 1:17:46What?

1:17:46 > 1:17:48You just sent him for crucifixion.

1:17:48 > 1:17:49Wait. Wait.

1:17:49 > 1:17:51We do have a Bwian.

1:17:51 > 1:17:53Go and retwieve him, stwaightaway.

1:17:53 > 1:17:54Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

1:17:57 > 1:17:58Vewy well.

1:17:59 > 1:18:00I shall

1:18:00 > 1:18:01welease

1:18:01 > 1:18:02Bwian!

1:18:05 > 1:18:07Get a move on there.

1:18:07 > 1:18:08Or what?

1:18:08 > 1:18:10Or you'll be in trouble.

1:18:10 > 1:18:13You mean I might have to give up

1:18:13 > 1:18:15being crucified in the afternoons?

1:18:15 > 1:18:16Shut up!

1:18:16 > 1:18:17That would be a blow.

1:18:17 > 1:18:19I wouldn't have nothing to do.

1:18:19 > 1:18:20Thank you.

1:18:23 > 1:18:24Are they gone?

1:18:26 > 1:18:30We-we got lumps of it around the back.

1:18:30 > 1:18:31What?

1:18:31 > 1:18:33Oh, don't worry about him, sir.

1:18:33 > 1:18:34He's ma...

1:18:34 > 1:18:36He's m-m-m... He's m-ma...

1:18:35 > 1:18:37He-he's m-m-m...

1:18:37 > 1:18:39He's m-m-m... He's m-m-m...

1:18:38 > 1:18:40He's mad, sir.

1:18:40 > 1:18:41Are they gone?

1:18:43 > 1:18:44Oh, daa...nnnn...

1:18:44 > 1:18:46I...naa...

1:18:46 > 1:18:47Nnuh...

1:18:47 > 1:18:48Nnuh...

1:18:48 > 1:18:49Nnuh...

1:18:49 > 1:18:51Nnuh...nnuh...

1:18:51 > 1:18:52Oh, come on.

1:18:52 > 1:18:54Yes, sir.

1:18:54 > 1:18:56Anyway, get on with the story.

1:18:56 > 1:18:58I knew she never really liked him, so...

1:18:58 > 1:18:59Right.

1:18:59 > 1:19:02That's the motion to get on with it

1:19:01 > 1:19:03passed with one abstention.

1:19:03 > 1:19:05I propose we go without further ado.

1:19:05 > 1:19:06Let's go.

1:19:21 > 1:19:22Bloody Romans.

1:19:22 > 1:19:24Watch it.

1:19:24 > 1:19:26Still a few crosses left.

1:19:28 > 1:19:30Up you go, big nose.

1:19:30 > 1:19:32I'll get you for this, you bastard.

1:19:32 > 1:19:33Oh, yeah.

1:19:33 > 1:19:35Don't worry. I never forget a face.

1:19:35 > 1:19:36No?

1:19:36 > 1:19:38I warn you,

1:19:38 > 1:19:41I'll punch you so hard you Roman git.

1:19:41 > 1:19:43Shut up, you Jewish turd.

1:19:43 > 1:19:45Who are you calling Jewish?

1:19:45 > 1:19:47I'm not Jewish. I'm a Samaritan.

1:19:47 > 1:19:48A Samaritan?

1:19:47 > 1:19:50This is supposed to be a Jewish section.

1:19:50 > 1:19:51It doesn't matter.

1:19:51 > 1:19:54You're all going to die soon.

1:19:54 > 1:19:56It certainly matters to us, Roman.

1:19:56 > 1:19:57Doesn't it, darling?

1:19:57 > 1:19:58Oh, rather.

1:19:58 > 1:20:01Under the terms of the Roman occupancy,

1:20:01 > 1:20:03we're entitled to crucifixion in a purely Jewish area.

1:20:03 > 1:20:06Pharisees separate from Sadducees.

1:20:06 > 1:20:08And Swedish separate from Welsh.

1:20:08 > 1:20:09Yeah.

1:20:09 > 1:20:11All right. All right.

1:20:11 > 1:20:13We'll soon settle this.

1:20:13 > 1:20:14Hands up,

1:20:14 > 1:20:17all those who don't want to be crucified here.

1:20:17 > 1:20:19THEY STRAIN AGAINST ROPES

1:20:19 > 1:20:20Next!

1:20:20 > 1:20:22Look, it's not my cross.

1:20:22 > 1:20:23What?

1:20:23 > 1:20:25It's not my cross.

1:20:25 > 1:20:27I was holding it for someone.

1:20:27 > 1:20:29Just lie down. I haven't got all day.

1:20:29 > 1:20:31I hate to make a fuss...

1:20:31 > 1:20:33There's 140 of you lot to get up.

1:20:33 > 1:20:35Is he Jewish?

1:20:35 > 1:20:36Will you be quiet?

1:20:36 > 1:20:38We don't want any more Samaritans here.

1:20:38 > 1:20:39Belt up!

1:20:39 > 1:20:42Will you let me down if he comes back?

1:20:42 > 1:20:44Yeah. Yeah. Next!

1:20:44 > 1:20:46You don't have to do this.

1:20:46 > 1:20:48You don't have to take orders.

1:20:48 > 1:20:49I like orders.

1:21:09 > 1:21:10See?

1:21:10 > 1:21:13Not so bad once you're up.

1:21:13 > 1:21:15You're being rescued then, are you?

1:21:15 > 1:21:17It's a bit late for that, isn't it?

1:21:17 > 1:21:20We got a couple of days up here.

1:21:20 > 1:21:21Lots of people get rescued.

1:21:21 > 1:21:22Oh?

1:21:22 > 1:21:25My brother usually rescues me.

1:21:25 > 1:21:28If he can keep off the tail 20 minutes.

1:21:28 > 1:21:29Randy little bugger,

1:21:29 > 1:21:32up and down like the Assyrian Empire.

1:21:36 > 1:21:37Hello.

1:21:37 > 1:21:38Your family arrived then?

1:21:38 > 1:21:40Reg.

1:21:40 > 1:21:41Hello, sibling Brian.

1:21:41 > 1:21:43Thank God you've come, Reg.

1:21:43 > 1:21:45I think I should point out first, Brian,

1:21:45 > 1:21:47that we are not the rescue committee.

1:21:47 > 1:21:49I've been asked to read

1:21:49 > 1:21:51the following prepared statement

1:21:51 > 1:21:52on behalf of the movement.

1:21:52 > 1:21:54"We, the People's Front Of Judea -

1:21:54 > 1:21:56"brackets, officials, end brackets -

1:21:56 > 1:21:57"do hereby convey

1:21:57 > 1:21:59"our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings

1:21:59 > 1:22:00"to you, Brian,

1:22:00 > 1:22:03on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."

1:22:03 > 1:22:04What?

1:22:04 > 1:22:06"Your death will stand as a landmark

1:22:06 > 1:22:09"in the continuing struggle to liberate the parentland

1:22:09 > 1:22:11"from the Roman imperialist aggressors,

1:22:11 > 1:22:13"excluding those concerned with drainage,

1:22:13 > 1:22:14"medicine, roads, housing, education,

1:22:14 > 1:22:15"viniculture,

1:22:15 > 1:22:17"and any other Romans

1:22:17 > 1:22:20"contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes

1:22:20 > 1:22:21and hermaphrodites."

1:22:21 > 1:22:24Signed on behalf of the PFJ, etcetera.

1:22:24 > 1:22:26I'd like to add, on a personal note,

1:22:26 > 1:22:29my admiration for what you are doing for us

1:22:29 > 1:22:32at what must be for you a difficult time.

1:22:32 > 1:22:34What are you going to d...

1:22:34 > 1:22:35Goodbye, Brian.

1:22:35 > 1:22:36And thanks.

1:22:38 > 1:22:41Well done, Brian. Give it up, lad.

1:22:41 > 1:22:42Terrific work, Brian.

1:22:48 > 1:22:49Right.

1:22:49 > 1:22:50And...

1:22:50 > 1:22:52# For he's a jolly good fellow

1:22:52 > 1:22:54# For he's a jolly good fellow

1:22:54 > 1:22:57# For he's a jolly good fe-e-ll-o-ow

1:22:57 > 1:22:59# And so say all of us

1:22:59 > 1:23:00# And so say all of...

1:23:04 > 1:23:06You bastards.

1:23:06 > 1:23:08You bastards!

1:23:08 > 1:23:10Where is Brian of Nazareth?

1:23:10 > 1:23:14I have an order for his release. You stupid bastards!

1:23:14 > 1:23:16Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

1:23:16 > 1:23:17What?

1:23:17 > 1:23:18Yeah, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

1:23:18 > 1:23:20Take him down.

1:23:20 > 1:23:21I'M Brian of Nazareth!

1:23:21 > 1:23:22I'm Brian.

1:23:22 > 1:23:24I'm Brian!

1:23:24 > 1:23:26No. No, I'm Brian.

1:23:26 > 1:23:27I'm Brian.

1:23:27 > 1:23:29I'm Brian. So is my wife.

1:23:29 > 1:23:30I'm Brian.

1:23:30 > 1:23:31I'm Brian. I'm Brian.

1:23:31 > 1:23:33Take him away and release him.

1:23:33 > 1:23:36No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian.

1:23:36 > 1:23:38No, I'm not Brian.

1:23:38 > 1:23:40I'm only pulling your leg.

1:23:40 > 1:23:41It's a joke.

1:23:41 > 1:23:43I'm not him.

1:23:43 > 1:23:44I'm just having you on.

1:23:44 > 1:23:46Put me back!

1:23:46 > 1:23:48You bloody Romans can't take a joke!

1:23:57 > 1:23:59The Judean People's Front!

1:24:00 > 1:24:02The Judean People's Front!

1:24:02 > 1:24:05Onward!

1:24:09 > 1:24:10Run!

1:24:10 > 1:24:12The Judean People's Front!

1:24:12 > 1:24:14The Judean People's Front!

1:24:21 > 1:24:24We are the Judean People's Front

1:24:24 > 1:24:26crack suicide squad.

1:24:26 > 1:24:29Suicide squad,

1:24:29 > 1:24:30attack!

1:24:38 > 1:24:40That showed them, huh?

1:24:42 > 1:24:45You silly sods.

1:24:45 > 1:24:46Brian!

1:24:46 > 1:24:47Brian!

1:24:47 > 1:24:49Brian!

1:24:49 > 1:24:50Brian!

1:24:50 > 1:24:51Judith.

1:24:52 > 1:24:54Terrific. Great.

1:24:54 > 1:24:56Reg has explained it to me,

1:24:56 > 1:24:58and I think it's great what you're doing.

1:24:58 > 1:25:00Thank you, Brian.

1:25:00 > 1:25:01I'll...

1:25:01 > 1:25:02I'll never forget you.

1:25:10 > 1:25:12So there you are.

1:25:12 > 1:25:13I might have known

1:25:13 > 1:25:15it would end up like this.

1:25:15 > 1:25:18Just think of all the love and affection

1:25:18 > 1:25:19I've wasted on you.

1:25:19 > 1:25:22If that's how you treat your poor mother

1:25:22 > 1:25:24in the Autumn years of her life,

1:25:24 > 1:25:26all I can say is go ahead.

1:25:26 > 1:25:28Be crucified.

1:25:28 > 1:25:30See if I care. I might have known.

1:25:30 > 1:25:31Mum.

1:25:32 > 1:25:33Mum!

1:25:33 > 1:25:36I don't know what the world's coming to.

1:25:42 > 1:25:43Cheer up, Brian.

1:25:43 > 1:25:46You know what they say.

1:25:45 > 1:25:48Some things in life are bad.

1:25:48 > 1:25:51They can really make you mad.

1:25:51 > 1:25:55Other things just make you swear and curse.

1:25:55 > 1:25:58# When you're chewing on life's gristle

1:25:58 > 1:25:59# Don't grumble

1:25:59 > 1:26:01# Give a whistle

1:26:01 > 1:26:02# And this'll

1:26:02 > 1:26:05# Help things turn out for the best

1:26:05 > 1:26:07# And

1:26:07 > 1:26:09# Always look on

1:26:09 > 1:26:12# The bright side of life

1:26:12 > 1:26:15CHEERFUL WHISTLE

1:26:15 > 1:26:16# Always look on

1:26:16 > 1:26:19# The light side of life

1:26:22 > 1:26:24# If life seems jolly rotten

1:26:24 > 1:26:26# There's something you've forgotten

1:26:26 > 1:26:30# And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

1:26:30 > 1:26:32# When you're feelin' in the dumps

1:26:32 > 1:26:34# Don't be silly chumps

1:26:34 > 1:26:35# Just purse your lips and whistle

1:26:35 > 1:26:37# That's the thing

1:26:37 > 1:26:39# And always look on

1:26:39 > 1:26:42# The bright side of life #

1:26:42 > 1:26:44ALL WHISTLE Come on.

1:26:45 > 1:26:47# Always look on

1:26:47 > 1:26:50# The right side of life

1:26:53 > 1:26:55# For life is quite absurd

1:26:55 > 1:26:57# And death's the final word

1:26:56 > 1:26:59# You must always face the curtain

1:26:59 > 1:27:00# With a bow

1:27:00 > 1:27:02# Forget about your sin

1:27:02 > 1:27:04# Give the audience a grin

1:27:04 > 1:27:05# Enjoy it

1:27:05 > 1:27:08# It's your last chance anyhow

1:27:08 > 1:27:10# So always look on

1:27:10 > 1:27:13# The bright side of death

1:27:16 > 1:27:21# Just before you draw your terminal breath

1:27:24 > 1:27:26# Life's a piece of shit

1:27:26 > 1:27:28# When you look at it

1:27:27 > 1:27:30# Life's a laugh, and death's a joke

1:27:30 > 1:27:31# It's true

1:27:31 > 1:27:33# You'll see it's all a show

1:27:33 > 1:27:35# Keep 'em laughing as you go

1:27:35 > 1:27:36# Just remember

1:27:36 > 1:27:39# That the last laugh is on you

1:27:38 > 1:27:39# And

1:27:39 > 1:27:41# Always look on

1:27:41 > 1:27:44# The bright side of life

1:27:47 > 1:27:49# Always look on

1:27:49 > 1:27:52# The right side of life #

1:27:52 > 1:27:55Come on, Brian. Give up.

1:27:55 > 1:27:57# Always look on

1:27:56 > 1:27:59# The bright side of life

1:28:02 > 1:28:04# Always look on

1:28:04 > 1:28:06# The bright side of life #

1:28:06 > 1:28:09Worse things happen at sea, you know.

1:28:10 > 1:28:12# Always look on

1:28:12 > 1:28:14# The bright side of life #

1:28:14 > 1:28:16What have you got to lose?

1:28:16 > 1:28:19You come from nothing. You're going back to nothing.

1:28:19 > 1:28:20What have you lost? Nothing!

1:28:20 > 1:28:22# ...the bright side of life #

1:28:22 > 1:28:24Nothing will come from nothing.

1:28:24 > 1:28:26Cheer up, you old bugger.

1:28:26 > 1:28:28Come on, give us a grin.

1:28:28 > 1:28:30There you are. See?

1:28:30 > 1:28:31It's the end of the film.

1:28:31 > 1:28:34Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.

1:28:34 > 1:28:37# ..the bright side of life #

1:28:37 > 1:28:41Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?

1:28:40 > 1:28:42# Always look on

1:28:42 > 1:28:45# The bright side of life #

1:28:45 > 1:28:46Bernie, I said,

1:28:46 > 1:28:48they'll never make their money back.

1:28:48 > 1:28:50# Always look on

1:28:50 > 1:28:53# The bright side of life #