0:01:21 > 0:01:23And imagine you're putting on a very tight pair of jeans,
0:01:23 > 0:01:28squeeze yourself in, rotating your thighs and suck up your butt cheeks.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31We want to end up with bums somewhere at the base of our spines,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33not halfway down the back of our legs.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Imagine there's an orange in between your butt cheeks
0:01:36 > 0:01:39and you're squeezing it. Squeeze it, squeeze it.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Come on, I want to smell that juice.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45That's it, and zipping up the front, zipping up your core, zip it up,
0:01:45 > 0:01:49we don't want to see any muffin tops, let's tuck in all those flabby bits
0:01:49 > 0:01:53and zipping it up, up, up, ribs down, shoulders back and down,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56necks long and shoot the energy out the top of your heads.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And preparing for your hundreds. Knees-up.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Chin to chest, shoulders up, arms down by your side, in for five
0:02:02 > 0:02:04and out for five, pumping all the time.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And in, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10And in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Tummies in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Zip it up, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Shoulders up, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Strong arms, 2, 3, 4, 5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Breathe, 2, 3, 4, 5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Last one, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33Hug your knees into your chests. Nice job, ladies.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Cor, dear, it ain't half been windy, has it, eh?- It has.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Rain. Look at this city.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Bloody mess. Bins knocked over and rubbish in the gutters.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Paper blowing here, blowing there, blowing everywhere.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Cold Blow Lane, that's where we used to play.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56The day they moved us to Zampa Road, I cried.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Did you? - Yeah, I don't mind admitting it.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01We all cried. Grown men wept.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Yeah, you can laugh. They've had gales north of the border.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Oh, talking of Scotland. Millwall's a Scottish team.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11That's why we play in blue and white. You didn't know that.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13But Millwall's not a Scottish team.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- It is, it is. - But it's not.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19It is. Years ago, these Scotsmen come down from Dundee to make jam
0:03:19 > 0:03:22for the sailing ships. HMS Whatsisname.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Are you going the quickest way? - I am going the quickest way, madam.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27But I can't help this traffic, can I?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Millwall Rovers, they started as a London team.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33They've been up and down the divisions like a yo-yo.
0:03:33 > 0:03:3616 managers in 27 seasons.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40We fear no foe where e'er we go!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Is the Punto ready? - Yeah. Since last week.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05- Give us the keys. - If you give us the money.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I've got a geezer to buy it. He sorts me out,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- I'll give you the money. - Suppose that goes pear-shaped?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- It won't. It's a cert.- Nothing's a cert with you, Perry.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14What are you talking about? It's a business fundamental.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Fluidity of finance, fluidity of stock.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18The fundamental of business in this garage,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22people bring their cars in, I repair them, they pay their money and drive away again.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- But they're punters. I'm a businessman!- You're not. You're a tosser.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29That's nice(!) That's customer service for you(!) I'll take my business elsewhere.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- And while you're at it, take your cars with you. - I will do, if you give me the keys!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I'll give you the keys when you give me the cash. I'm tired of them cluttering my garage.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39If they're not gone by next week, I'll take them to the breakers. Now do one.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42You're a dinosaur, Derek!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Now what? What are you doing here? What are you driving me mad for?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Lend us £500. I've got a guy to buy the Punto, but Derek's playing up again.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Look at you. You're like a kid. You've got to sort yourself out. - It's only 500 quid!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Oh, is that all(!) I'm not a bank. I'm running a business. - I've got to get the motor.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I'm sick to death of bailing you out.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35- Oh, go on!- No. Off you go.- Please.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Can I get on now? Thank you. - Deb, it's only five...
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Anyone in?
0:07:26 > 0:07:32TV PLAYS: FOOTBALL COMMENTARY
0:07:32 > 0:07:34PHONE RINGS
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Hello, Mick speaking.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Yes, we are. 1,500 quid.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41It's a white Mercedes, estate,
0:07:41 > 0:07:451990 reg, automatic, 157,000 on the clock,
0:07:45 > 0:07:461,500 quid.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Well, it's a Merc, darling, it's got full service history. PHONE RINGS
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It'll run forever, it's built like a tank...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Bitch.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Coosey-boy! Have you?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59No, not this week. Listen, with the tickets,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02take them to Jamie down the caff, he'll give you the money.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Tell him I'll see him right when I get to the grand. Sweet?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Down the caff, round the back.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10No, I don't want any cool boy shirts. All right, laters.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Yeah, I've got to work on my tan. - Me too.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- It's all right for you. So, where's hot, then?- Caribbean?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Oh, yeah, just jump on a bus...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Yeah, all right. What about the Mediterranean?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yeah, there's Majorca.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Ayia Napa.- Ibiza. - Oh, my God, yeah!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- PHONE RINGS - You all right, Dad?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Jody, are you home?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- No, I'm out. Why?- 'Where are you?' - What do you want?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I've a geezer coming round.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I'm going home in a bit anyway. I've got to go to work.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- PHONE RINGS - Don't worry, I'll see you in a minute.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Hello, Doug speaking.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Yeah, hello, mate.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06SHE BLOWS THE WHISTLE
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Excuse me!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You're not allowed to bomb into the water.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18It's dangerous, all right?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22COUGHING
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Hello.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31We spoke yesterday on the phone. I'm Gary.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yeah?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34About the Fiat?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Oh, the Punto, yeah.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37It's 2.30.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Are you Mick?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44No, no, he'll be back in a minute. Come in.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Here, up here.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52- Upstairs?- Yep.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I've just been reading about Lester Piggott.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Oh, yeah?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00He was very little, you know. Mind you, they all are, ain't they?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Who's that, then?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Anybody watching us over there?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Sorry?- Have a look.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Uh...
0:10:16 > 0:10:17No.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Nosy sods. All right, sit down.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24There's a woman round here makes a very nice cakes.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29- Oh, that's nice. - What do you think of that, then, eh?
0:10:30 > 0:10:3150 inch.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- I could get you one of them.- Really?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Yeah, get you anything you want. Here, trainers.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- Good quality... - HE COUGHS
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Are you all right? - Yes, thank you. Sit down.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Jeans, jigsaw puzzles, you name it, I can get it for you.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- You only have to say the word. - Is he going to be long?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Who?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh. No!
0:10:57 > 0:11:00No, no, he's just, he's out giving your car a wax.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Have you got a motor?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Yeah. Well, no. It died on me, unfortunately.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- What was it? - Oh, it was only a Peugeot.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Well, yeah.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Have you come far, then? - Not that far. I live...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Got a job?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yeah. I'm a care assistant.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19What, uh, mentally handicapped?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Old people's home. - Walter Winterbottom.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23What does that name mean to you?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30He was the England manager before Sir Alf Ramsey in 1966.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33World Cup.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36He deployed the 4-2-1-2-1 system, the diamond formation.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40But Alf preferred 4-3-3, the triangle,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44or 4-4-2. Ah, but you see, he had the great Bobby Moore to...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Here!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49How many goals did Bobby Moore score for England?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Two.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Tell you what, come 2012,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34you won't prise me out of my chair when the Olympics are on.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I'll sit there with me lagers and me Chinese takeaway
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and I'll watch it all day, every day. I'll be glued to the box.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43My cab can go in retirement for a couple of weeks and I don't care.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Here you go! 2012.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Or what's going to be left of it.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49What?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Well, you might as well enjoy it while you can.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54What do you mean?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Well, you know. - What?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02End of days.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Nothing wrong with me, I'm fit as a fiddle.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06No, no, no. No, I didn't...
0:13:06 > 0:13:082012.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Great Cycle.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12What, the milk race, you mean?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15No. The Mayan calendar?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Nah, don't know what you're talking about.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Right. This is interesting, right?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25The Mayans invented a calendar, right?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Now, this is thousands of years ago in "Mejico".
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Sorry, Mexico.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36They believed in cycles, right? Now, each cycle lasts 5,125 years
0:13:36 > 0:13:37and at the end of each cycle
0:13:37 > 0:13:42is a major change. I mean, a massive geological shift.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Now, we...
0:13:44 > 0:13:49we are in the final stages of the fifth cycle
0:13:49 > 0:13:52and they predicted, the Mayans, that at the end of the fifth cycle,
0:13:52 > 0:13:56the Earth and the Sun would come into direct alignment...
0:13:59 > 0:14:00..with the Great Rift.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04The Great Rift is the dead centre of the Milky Way.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Now this is scientifically proven, this will happen,
0:14:07 > 0:14:15and this cataclysmic event will take place on the 21st December 2012,
0:14:15 > 0:14:16just before Christmas.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20It's mind-blowing.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Who knows what'll happen?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Millwall's a Scottish team.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36There's something you didn't know, eh?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38You see, years ago, these lads come down from Dundee
0:14:38 > 0:14:40to make jam for the sailing ships,
0:14:40 > 0:14:41SS Whatshername.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45A lot of people thought Alf Ramsay was of Roman extraction,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47but he always denied it. Funny, that.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Is he going to be much longer?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51No, no, no. He won't be long. Only be a minute.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Hi, Dad! Are you here?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Is that you, Hayley?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57No, it's me. Has the geezer been here?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Yeah.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00All right? Where's Dad?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01He's on his way.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02He phoned me. Give us a lift to work!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- No!- Go on, I'm running late.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- All right, then. Hurry up. - Oh, thanks!
0:15:07 > 0:15:08I'll put the meter on.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Nijinsky.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Where do you think he was born?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13What?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16He's the only racehorse I know come from Canada.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Do you like the flat or the jumps?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Here! Who won the Derby in 1953?
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I don't know.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Pinza.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Yeah, I like the flat and all, but the greatest jumper of all
0:15:26 > 0:15:30was Red Rum. Three times he won the National, three times!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32They buried him at the finishing post.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Big lump in the ground. Horse-shaped.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Have you seen me necklace?- No.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I'm not usually such a mess!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Hello, babe.- All right, Dad.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Sorry to keep you waiting. Terrible traffic. I'm Doug.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Hello, Dad, you here again? Let's do some business.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Want a cup of tea? Coffee? It's Roger, innit?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- Step this way, I'll sort you out. - It's Gary, actually.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Let me get my keys. You'll love this. Get me paperwork.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Hold onto your money, it's all outside. Follow me.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Now, do yourself a favour, Roger. If you're going to buy a car,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04it's a lot of money, so you want to make an educated choice.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Choose wrong, you're in trouble. Choose right, you're in clover,
0:16:07 > 0:16:09and I'm your man. Now, you've got three cars here.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11You got your town car, lovely metropolitan blue,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- goes great over speed bumps. - No, no...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16You got your country car. Seat in the back for the dogs, roof rack.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- And for the beach, your four by two. - Four by four!- Yeah, all right, Dad.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21So that's your choice. That's the car for you,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23it's got your name on it, it's a lovely car.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Ladies love it. You'll have Dorises hanging at the window. - Listen...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Do yourself a favour, sit in here
0:16:27 > 0:16:31and experience state-of-the-art Japanese technology. Live a little.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Get in. It's like Tokyo on a Saturday night.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- You can almost smell the geisha girls.- No, listen...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Dad, what are you doing?- What?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I'm trying to earn a living. Give us five minutes. Why don't you go home?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42This car, if I had a showroom with all the overheads,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44that'd be three grand. I'd do it for 1,200
0:16:44 > 0:16:47but I can do it for you for 1,100 and I'll tell you why, Rog.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48- Gary.- What?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49It's Gary.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Yeah, whatever...Gary. Now, I'm going to be honest with you, Gaz.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- I sold the Punto. - I don't believe...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58You know I told you to come today as I had a geezer coming tomorrow?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59He came yesterday with his daughter
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and she was wetting her knickers over the motor. She loved it,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05but he didn't have the dosh. Tragic. This morning, first thing,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I'm eating my bacon sandwich and they knock at the door.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10In five minutes, she standing there, weren't she, on my mother's life.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13She's crying her eyes out, she wants the car
0:17:13 > 0:17:14and the old man's pleading with me,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"Please, she hasn't slept all night, do me a deal."
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I said, "I can't. I've a reliable customer called Gary coming
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- "and he'll give me 750 quid for it." - Yeah, which I've got in my bag!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Now, I may be a businessman, Gary, but I've a heart of gold, haven't I?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Heart of gold, yeah. - My old man is always telling me,
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"Remember, you're running a business."
0:17:29 > 0:17:30I always told him.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33But I said no, didn't I, Dad? I'm a father first.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I've got daughters, I know how he feels.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- Yeah, but... - So I'm sorry, but I sold your Punto.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41But if I look in your eyes, I can tell you'd have done the same
0:17:41 > 0:17:44because you and me, we're two of a kind, ain't we? We're peas in a pod.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45Am I right?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Not really. - There you go. Now,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50this Merc has got full service history, it's built like a tank
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and it'll run forever. I can do it for you for 1,500 quid.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I can't afford that!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- How much you got?- 750.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Let me tell you something about life. You get what you pay for.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- If you stretch it a bit further.... - I can't stretch any further!
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- I've got the perfect car for you. - Oh, this is nice.- That's not his.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Dad, make us a cup of tea, will you? Do us a favour.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Yeah, this is a lovely car. I sold it yesterday. Two lesbians,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13they're picking it up Thursday. Now, this is a family car.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14- Are you a family man?- No.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17But you're generous, aren't you? You give everyone a lift.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19People are always in and out of your car, am I right?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21See? I know. This car, I'd do it for 1,200 quid,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- I can do it for you for a grand. - See, the Fiat was only 750.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Fair point. I've got the perfect car for you.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's within your price range and only five minutes away.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You got five minutes? Good. Your quest for perfection is over.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35You'll remember this day for the rest of your life,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37and you'll be coming back to me for years. They always do.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Go on, hop in, we'll be there in a jiffy.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- I don't do this for everyone. - Where's he going to go?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43In you get.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48HE COUGHS
0:18:50 > 0:18:52ENGINE SPUTTERS
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Grandad, come on! Hurry up! I'm late!
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Come on.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- All right, he keep your hair on. - We haven't got all day.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04ENGINE CONTINUES SPUTTERING
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Oi!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I've just got to get the keys and paperwork. Won't be a minute!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- No, I don't want any... - Look, it's my daughter Hayley. Ain't she gorgeous?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Hayley, do me a favour, keep him sweet for a minute.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Do you want a cup of tea?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21No!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Hiya.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Hello.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29You buying a car from my dad, then?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Yeah. Well...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33He's taking you on his magical mystery tour?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- What do you mean? - Oh, nothing.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- I've just seen your double. - Have you been drinking?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I've got it, Gal. Come on, hop in.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Ain't got all day. Time's money.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47See you, treacle.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59When are you going to pass your driving test, then?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01It's not my fault they keep failing me, is it?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- How many times have you taken it now?- It don't matter, does it?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Four, innit? - Only three, actually.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Hayley got hers first time, didn't she?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Hayley this, Hayley that! I'm not my sister!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15HE COUGHS
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh, don't go dying on me! I'm running late!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Thanks. See you later!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02There you go, Gary. Japanese Car Of The Year 1998,
0:21:02 > 0:21:06in pristine condition and within your price range. What do you think?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10It's cheaper than the Fiat, that's one thing.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Let me tell you about that, it's deceptive.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It is cheaper, but on the other hand, it isn't cheaper.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- What's that supposed to mean? - Well, supply and demand.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20See, when we put a car like this on a lay-by or in a safari park
0:21:20 > 0:21:23or outside the zoo or primary school, we start a bidding war.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27ONO - "Or nearest offer" means below or above the starting price.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Another bloke offers 500 quid and that's top whack, he gets the car,
0:21:30 > 0:21:34but, come here, if another bloke offers 800, that's where it goes,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and funnily enough, I've got this geezer coming at 4.30
0:21:37 > 0:21:39all the way from Barrow-in-Furness with his fiancee
0:21:39 > 0:21:41and he wants to give me 800.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Wait, no, listen. - Don't worry, I'll see you right.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45You can have it for 750 because I let you down with the Punto.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Honestly... - Know what? I am going to shut up and let the car do the talking.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- No, no. - Why not shimmy into the cockpit and take a test flight? Go on, get in.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Look at that technology. You could drive this with chopsticks,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58it's like Hiroshima on a Saturday night. Away you go.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- How'd you like it? - Steering's a bit stiff.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04No, the steering isn't stiff, Gary, all due respect. You're a bit stiff.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- What do you mean, I'm a bit stiff? - You and the car, it's like a marriage. This is your first date.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09It's only got 20,000 miles on the clock.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10You'd think it was going backwards.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13This car's had one previous owner. An old girl, bless her.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Her husband's had a colostomy bag
0:22:14 > 0:22:17and she's been driving to the hospital to get it changed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19He's only gone and died on her. Emphysema, God rest his soul.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22She's so cut up, she can't even drive any more.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24She asked me to sell it. You gotta do your best, ain't you?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You got to help. She could be your mother or my mother.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- You love your old mum, don't you? - Yeah, course.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- She'd love this car, she'd want to drive it herself. - She's lost her licence.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Bastards.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Well, they gave her a bus pass, anyway.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38No, it's automatic, Gary!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I'm not used to it, I've never driven an automatic.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41You don't drive an automatic, mate,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44you let the car drive you and you never go back to a manual.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- You got a girlfriend? - Not really.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48You soon will have in a car like this.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Those geezers in flash cars, birds don't trust them.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52They think they've got something to hide. They see this,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55they'll think, there's a man who's straight down the line.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56How's it feel?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Looks good. Suits you.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01See, this is a thinking man's car.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- What d'you reckon? - I don't know...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Make your mind up, I can't hang about.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07He wants to drive it to Budapest soon,
0:23:07 > 0:23:09he's got to meet her mum and dad, they're acrobats.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- I don't think it's worth 750. - What d'ya reckon it's worth?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- Seven?- How much?!- All right, 720. - He's gonna give me 800!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- 740 then. - 745, deal?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- Do you have a fiver? - Nah, I don't carry cash.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27You give me your name and address, I'll send in the post.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29That's 10.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30That's 20.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31That's 30.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34That's a £20 note, so that's 50.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Hayley?!- I'm in here.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Do us a favour, babe, give us a lift down the garage.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- When?- Now. You got five minutes? - I've just made tea!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- I've got to pick up a motor!- Dad! - Help me out, I've had a nightmare.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Your whole life's a nightmare. - Oh, go on.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49I've been up since 5:30am.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Sorry. On the way back, I'll get you a Chinese.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I've got a chicken and avocado salad.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- All right, we'll pick up a video. - I don't want a video.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I'll get you a new pair of trainers. Designer.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- I tell you what, I'll run you a nice hot bath. - What? You've never run me a bath!
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- All right, I'll give you 20 quid. - Don't be daft. - Come on, help your old man out.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05I'm not hanging about though.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I swear, the car is ready and waiting.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- My keys are upstairs.- Love you! - Yeah(!)
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Hi, darling.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- All right, Mum?- Where you off to? - She's giving me a lift.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- I can see that. Where you going? - Down the garage.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42- Oh, you got the money then? - Yeah, no thanks to you.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- What, you sold a motor?- Course.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- Oh, good. - Come on, Hayley, let's go.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- What you driving us all mad for? She's got her own life to lead. - It's all right, Mum.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- You're driving yourself mad. - No, you're driving me mad.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I love you too.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Nutcase!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- All right, darling, see you. - Yep. See you later.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oi! Smiler!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Here y'are.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Just a little bit down.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- There? - Ahh! That's it, go on.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Ahh-ah-ahhhh!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47All right, girls?
0:25:47 > 0:25:48THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:50What's that on your head?!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52My new hat!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Where'd you get it from?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55A shop. Do you like it?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Makes you look like a lobster. - I thought I'd treat myself.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh, that's nice, he thought he'd treat himself.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Yeah. I played a blinder. I could have sold the Titanic for scrap.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, he really deserves a little treat, doesn't he?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07We don't, but he does. How much was it?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Mind your own business. - It is my business.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11What d'you need a hat for? You've never worn one in your life.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- So?- You're ridiculous.- I like it, it suits him.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- It's a waste of money. - Hayley, make us a cup of tea, babe.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Go make your own cup of tea.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Stick a broom up my arse, I'll sweep the floor!- You know your problem?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You got no sense of adventure.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25When you gonna start paying me back my money?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Hold on, darling, just got to make a call.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Perry!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38CHEERING
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- All right, all right, you're doing all right.- You're a crap shot!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Come on, higher.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Yes!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55You idiot!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Jody?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Yeah?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Which shoes do you think I should wear?
0:27:06 > 0:27:07The studs, they're nice.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Don't you think the black ones go better with this outfit?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12No, wear the studs, they look better on your feet.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13No, I'm gonna wear these ones.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15If you're wearing those, I'm wearing these.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- You won't be taller than me. - Come on, babe, I got to do one.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Hang on, I just got out the bath.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Hurry up, I can't hold it much longer.- Well, clench your buttocks.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Is that what you're wearing? - Yeah.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28You look like Jane of the jungle in that.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- SHE MIMICS JUNGLE CRIES - Deb, I'm touching cloth.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Go on then, enjoy yourself.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Oh, don't! You'll make me laugh.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Ooh, you look nice, darling.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Thanks! You nearly ready?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Give us a sec!
0:27:39 > 0:27:40State of it.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53HUBBUB OF CONVERSATION
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Was the team mad, then?
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I wasn't happy!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10That's pretty bad.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11No, but...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14So what, you got two own goals and you sacked it?
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And you're the best player?!
0:28:17 > 0:28:18I don't think so.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22You're forgetting I scored three goals in front of my own team.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- But you scored two goals for the other team! - This guy has a shot, right,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27and I save it, and it hits your shins
0:28:27 > 0:28:29and goes in the net, that's not your fault.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Why didn't you get out the way?
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Exactly!
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I didn't have time to. It's not like it rifled back out.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37It was going slowly, like, whoa...
0:28:37 > 0:28:40THEY ALL LAUGH
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Will you wake me up if I fall asleep?
0:28:49 > 0:28:51I can't wake you up if I'm asleep, can I?
0:28:51 > 0:28:53Take that thing off your head.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56I'll take it off when you turn out the light.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58I'm not turning off the light till I take my rollers out.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- Take 'em out then. - Can't, my nails are wet.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11It's got 30,000 miles on the clock.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12Hmm?
0:29:12 > 0:29:14I'll let you have it for nothing. Goal!
0:29:14 > 0:29:16Straight in the back of the net.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28HE SNORES GENTLY
0:29:30 > 0:29:32And inhale...
0:29:32 > 0:29:35deep into your cat.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40Give me a meow...
0:29:40 > 0:29:42from your throat.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44From your blue chakra.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48And reverse...
0:29:49 > 0:29:51..into your cow.
0:29:53 > 0:29:58And give me a moooooo from your perineum.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01From your red chakra.
0:30:06 > 0:30:07Miaow!
0:30:07 > 0:30:09OTHER WOMEN JOIN IN
0:30:13 > 0:30:14Mooooo...
0:30:14 > 0:30:16OTHER WOMEN JOIN IN
0:30:36 > 0:30:39HE HUMS
0:30:41 > 0:30:44HE WHISTLES JAUNTILY
0:30:46 > 0:30:48MECHANICAL CRUNCHING
0:30:48 > 0:30:50CRASHING
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media