0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains very strong language
0:00:13 > 0:00:16(MAN SHOUTING THROUGH MEGAPHONE / CROWD SHOUTING)
0:00:22 > 0:00:25'Voices were raised in protest today at the Home Office decision
0:00:25 > 0:00:28'to allow militant Egyptian cleric Arshad Al-Masri into the UK
0:00:28 > 0:00:30'for a lecture tour.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33'Al-Masri, seen here preaching in Pakistan,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36'is a controversial figure both at home and abroad
0:00:36 > 0:00:39'and has been linked to extremist Islamic groups.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43'The reaction of the British Muslim community is mixed, some saying...'
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Oh, fuck off.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46(SYNTH-POP MUSIC ON TV)
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# Never say what you can hear
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- # When voices whisper in your ear... #- Mummy, Mummy! Look!
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Cold comfort found in the night's warm air
0:01:11 > 0:01:14(DOORBELL RINGS) # There's someone else in here... #
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Mahmud, darling. - # You see it in my stare
0:01:21 > 0:01:25# Why don't you close your eyes at midnight? #
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Darling.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- # Why can't you... # (VOLUME LOWERS) - The imam is here.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42So all that? Ta-ta, mate. Thank you.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45(SIGHS)
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Whoa, what do you want? - A jihad on the Great Satan.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Grr! We, the Imperialist Empire, we surrender to your holy power.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I wish you wouldn't teach her those words.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00I'm not being funny but does Lady Gaga look like an ostrich or what?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04It'll be brilliant. Nothing to worry about. I'm sure the weather will hold
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Sorry I called time on my son. - We have to sort out Grandma's house.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Ah, right. I was on my way out.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Make sure you carry all the boxes.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Hey, ladies.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17(MUSIC CONTINUES)
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Right now.- OK, Mum.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37# Why can't you close your eyes for me?
0:02:41 > 0:02:46# Why don't you close your eyes at midnight?
0:02:48 > 0:02:52# You've seen the other side of me
0:02:54 > 0:02:56# Other side of me
0:02:58 > 0:03:01(BOYS) Yiddo! Yeah!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11(WIND RISES)
0:03:17 > 0:03:19(WHIRRING)
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- I wanted to speak to you about something.- Is it the new imam?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- I know he's a "trendy vicar". - Don't do that.- Do what?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41The inverted commas thing.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Admittedly it is a bit of a "cunty" thing to do.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47(BRAKES SQUEAL)
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Christ, bloody cabbies. They think they own the road.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Here's the thing. - I know what you want to say. I know.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- Do you?- Yeah. Uzma is a lovely girl, but, you know, men...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01For men, women are like a buffet, aren't they?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05You don't want to sit down till you've piled your plate high,
0:04:05 > 0:04:06till it's toppling all over.
0:04:06 > 0:04:12You've got red meat, poached salmon, bit of turkey meat, white meat.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- Get my drift?- So it's an all-you-can-eat deal, this buffet?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Exactly.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Dad, the only woman I'm interested in is Uzma.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I don't like buffets. I prefer meals at restaurants.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Where you always order the same thing -
0:04:27 > 0:04:29chicken karahi with chips and tomato sauce.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Yeah So next time I need a dose of middle-aged Muslim misogyny
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I will call Hanif Kureshi.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Dad, I need to tell you something about the wedding.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I just need you to listen. Calmly.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44OK. You got it. I'm Zen.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I'm Gandhi. Go. Go for it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Right. Well...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- (BRAKES SQUEAL) - Dad!
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Stupid fuck.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57You stupid tossing arsing wanker!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01What's your fuckin' problem? Learn to fuckin' drive!
0:05:01 > 0:05:05(MUSIC OF ISRAELI NATIONAL ANTHEM "HATIKVAH" DROWNS SPEECH)
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Moron! Fuckin' stupid... fuckwits!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Right, where were we?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Uzma's mum's been in Pakistan. I'm not completely out of the loop.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21OK, well, she's met someone.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Hm?- A man.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27She's obviously still a very attractive woman. Especially the...
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Would it upset you if I said the word "tits"?- Yes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Although I... The point is, she's getting married again.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- I'm not surprised, given the... - Don't do the tits action again.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- What I'm trying to say is... - When did Uzma's dad die again?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Three years ago. So...
0:05:43 > 0:05:48You know, when my dad died, I was still so young, you know.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I didn't want Mum to look at another man. But now she's gone, so...
0:05:52 > 0:05:56So Uzma is flying out tomorrow to Pakistan for her mum's wedding.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58When do we meet this new stepdad of hers?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Well, um, they're all coming back the week after next
0:06:01 > 0:06:06and he wants to meet us then, me, Mum, you.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08OK, no probs. So who is he?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15No.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Yeah.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19No.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Yes.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23NO!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25It's fair enough, given the...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Shut it!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Get in there!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Have you gone completely mental?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Did you put a parking permit in the car?- Don't change the subject!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Isn't it enough that we put on a rucksack,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- we get a tube carriage to ourselves? - Dad...
0:06:49 > 0:06:54- Where is it? It's here somewhere. - Dad, come on.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Look at this. D'you know why Mum kept that?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I wrote a letter to this paper once explaining why people like us
0:07:00 > 0:07:04have to stand up to Wahhabi nutters like your would-be dad-in-law.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"This is an issue which should unite all British Muslims
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"whether Sunni or shite..."
0:07:10 > 0:07:14I wrote complaining about that but they didn't print it.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Calm down. Listen. We need his approval or I can't marry Uzma.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Give me one thing guaranteed to make me less calm
0:07:23 > 0:07:28than inviting Arshad Al-fuckin'-Stalin into my family.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- Look... - (BEEPING)
0:07:34 > 0:07:38I just parked for two minutes! It's two minutes. This is my dead mum!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40My dead mum!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Tossers!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I don't believe it!
0:07:49 > 0:07:50(TAPPING)
0:07:50 > 0:07:54They never come round this way, not this time on a Thursday.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55(TAPPING)
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Not unless someone...
0:07:58 > 0:08:01(TAPS)
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Was that you?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05You fuckin'...
0:08:05 > 0:08:10("HATIKVAH" MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I'm trying to clear out my dead mother's house here!
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Kutha!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18You got something against my family? Is that what it is?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Against minicab owners?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Right, I got it, yeah. Yeah, yeah
0:08:24 > 0:08:26It's Muslims, innit?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Muslims.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Come out here.- Stop it. Leave it! - Fuckin' come out here!- Leave it.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37All right, I'm easy, easy. I'm calm.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- Stop it. Dad!- Come here! - It's not worth it! Stop it.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- They think they own the world. - A minute ago it was just the road.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I don't mean cabbies.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- Car's at the pound in Charlton Street.- I love this one.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Never knew what it meant.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"He who looks after an orphan shall be in paradise."
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Ah. Yeah. Yep, of course.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Because the Prophet, sal allahu aleihi wasallam, was an orphan.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I knew that, Rashid. His father died before he was born.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I've read my Quran.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31The Quran never actually mentions his parents.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Er, anyway, Dad, here's the thing. I really want to marry Uzma
0:09:36 > 0:09:39and I know her stepdad might seem a little strict...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43but we need him to think we're proper Muslims.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46(LAUGHS) We are proper Muslims.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Yeah, I know. I meant observant ones, you know.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54Rashid, listen. I may not say my namaaz five times a day,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58I may not even fast every day of Ramadan,
0:09:58 > 0:10:02and now and again a small sip of the old pale ale passes my lips,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05but in here, in here,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08by the name of the Prophet, sal allahu aleihi wasallam,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Allah lives, OK? Come on.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- OK, Dad. Of course.- Come on.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17I just need that to be clear. When the time comes I think maybe...
0:10:17 > 0:10:19It's what they would have wanted.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24(SIGHS) You're right.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26All right, I promise.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I promise that when fundamentalist fatty fatwa-face comes...
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Dad!
0:10:31 > 0:10:36I'm joking. I promise that when Uzma's stepdad pops by
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I will be the best Muslim I can be.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Thanks, Dad.- Come on.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Come on, let's finish off the job.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Subhan Allah! Look at all this stuff.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50You got Dad's military service discharge certificate,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53you got Mum's birth certificate, you got my...
0:10:53 > 0:10:57birth...certificate.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Saamiya.- Hm?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Where's my mother now?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Jaanu...
0:11:29 > 0:11:33She's flying with your father through the seven skies.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38My father...
0:11:51 > 0:11:55(WOMAN) Well, Mr Nasir, I think we can think only one thing really.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58You were adopted at the age of two weeks from the...
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Whitechapel branch of the Waifs and Strays Society.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Waifs and Strays?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08What was I, a golden retriever?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It's now called the Children's Society.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13(MUTTERS)
0:12:13 > 0:12:17So...who are my real parents?
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Ah, we don't tend to use the world "real" in these cases, Mr Nasir.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24What word would you use? Would you use "lazy" or "irresponsible"
0:12:24 > 0:12:27or "couldn't quite be bothered to bring me up" parents?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"Birth". We say the birth parents.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33OK. So who are my "birth" parents?
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Can you not do that inverted commas thing? It's a bit...
0:12:36 > 0:12:40If you wish to trace your parentage, you will have to go to an agency.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42They'll put you in touch with a counsellor...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- Just the name.- ..after which...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Just the name. My birth name. I need to know.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. - Mrs Keyes, please.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53In my culture a man's name is really important to him.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- I'm afraid not.- Just the first name.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00You may have had no name at all. Many waifs and strays do not.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02OK. Would you check that, please?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I'm sorry I'm taking your time.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11No... You do. Did.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15So there you go.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20- Can you tell me what the name was? - Sorry. I said I wouldn't tell you.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24No, you didn't. You said you wouldn't tell me my whole name.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- I can't trace...- All right, all right.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Will you go if I tell you?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Yes. I'm happy, really happy to go.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38What is it? Is it Iqbal, Omar?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Jamal? I've always liked Jamal.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Solly.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Solly.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Solly...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53There's got to be some mistake in the records. Can I look at that?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- You said you'd go.- Come on. That's before I knew my name was Solly.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Just a quick look. Excuse me. Please, please.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I'll call security.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I need to look at it, please, thank you!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Excuse me. Thank you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Shimshiz...- I think it's pronounced Shimshillewitz.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Security.- Solly Shimshillewitz.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Yes.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Nah. But that would mean I was...
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I was...
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Yes, Mr Nasir. As indeed it goes on to confirm later in the document,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32in common with many people living in this area at the time,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34you are by birth Jewish.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36(LAUGHS) No.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I can't be. Look at me.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I'm so obviously not.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Well, that's not what it says here.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45And you are also at the present time leaving.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Give me a break. You find out you're Jewish
0:14:48 > 0:14:51and suddenly some bloke in uniform is leading you away? Ridiculous!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Come on!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57(CHOIR SINGS) # The Virgin Mary had a baby boy
0:14:57 > 0:15:03# The Virgin Mary had a baby boy and they say that his name is Jesus
0:15:03 > 0:15:06# He came from the glory
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# He came from the glorious kingdom
0:15:08 > 0:15:11# He came from the glory
0:15:11 > 0:15:15# He came from the glorious kingdom
0:15:15 > 0:15:17# Oh, yes, believers
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# Oh, yes, believers
0:15:20 > 0:15:23# He came from the glorious kingdom
0:15:23 > 0:15:28(TRADITIONAL JEWISH KLEZMER MUSIC)
0:16:00 > 0:16:04Sorry. Sorry I drank some beer.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Sorry I fancied that pram-face tart in Tesco. Please make it not true.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11(CALL TO PRAYER OVER PA SYSTEM)
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Hello, Joseph.- Daniel, how are you?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Very good.- Looking well.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26(WIND RISES)
0:16:30 > 0:16:32(CALL TO PRAYER ECHOING)
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Easy, easy.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Excuse me. Do you mind just watching where...
0:16:59 > 0:17:04(RADIO) '..fabulous track there by Cat Stevens, now Yusuf Islam.'
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- Morning, Jew.- Morning.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- What would you like for breakfast? - Crunchy Bran.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Sorry, did you just say... - Daddy...- Yes, darling?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Can you do up my Jews?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- What are you talking about? - There's too much Jew in this tea.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Sorry, did I say tea? I meant Jew.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29A-Jew!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31A-Jew!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Well, look, I've got to go to work.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36OK. Ap ye lei lein, Jew.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Yes. Good. I need to study this.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44(BELL RINGS)
0:17:44 > 0:17:46(SPOTLIGHT CLICKS ON / CROWD CHEERS)
0:17:49 > 0:17:55(GARY PAGE) # Why don't you close your eyes with me now?
0:18:00 > 0:18:05# Why can't you close your eyes with me? #
0:18:11 > 0:18:14(SNORES)
0:18:14 > 0:18:18(LAUGHS) Mahmud! Mahmud!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Wake up. Mahmud.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Mahmud, wake up. (LAUGHS)
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Have you been here all night? Come, come. Stand.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- Oh, Jesus.- Fallen asleep.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- (COUGHS)- It's OK.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I've got to get back.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Christ...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39(SIGHS)
0:18:39 > 0:18:43- Imam?- Yes. What?- There's something I'd like to talk to you about.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Is it about Rashid and Uzma?
0:18:45 > 0:18:50I know it's heavy that Al-Masri is her stepdad, a little WTF. (LAUGHS)
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Well, yeah. No, no, that's not it. Here's the thing.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I just... found out something about myself.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Ah, a difficult thing. - You're telling me.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Something that deeply challenges your idea of yourself.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Yes, yes, exactly.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I think I know what it is you're trying to tell me.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- You do?- Yes. You're not the first.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Really?- No. I mean, the Quran is pretty rigid on this.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Yes, of course.- But Islam is about mercy and interpretation.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24My interpretation is this.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27If you're gay, you're gay.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Oh, for Christ's sake. That's...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Yeah. I know Al-Araaf, Ayah 180, states that,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36"Ye who practise their lusts on men as opposed to women
0:19:36 > 0:19:38rain down on them a shower of brimstone."
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- That's not -- Sounds bad, I know.
0:19:40 > 0:19:46But I think that brimstone is already raining down on you inside.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Yes, but - - And maybe that's enough for Allah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- No, well, do I look like...- Now, the punishment is death by stoning,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55some say.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59But if you read my book, Islam, the Other Voices,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03you'll find a whole host of evidence that suggests that when two men...
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- Have you seen Christian Louboutin's Mad Mary Jane Three-Straps?- No.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Agyness Deyn has started wearing them so now they're all sold out.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Primark do a version, but they look a bit orthopaedic boot.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It's like having a club foot.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- Muna.- Yeah. - Mahmud didn't come home last night.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Oos ko call kiya? - Straight to answer phone.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34The thing is, my mother used to say...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37We are all Hezbollah now!
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Nabi. Fish fingers, khao.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Kill the unbelievers!- Nabi.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45My mother used to say that when men's mothers died
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- they go a bit...- Mental?
0:20:48 > 0:20:49A bit mid-life crisisy.
0:20:49 > 0:20:55- Hm. Well, has he recently got a motorbike?- No.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Tattoo?- No.- Back- wax?- I wish.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02What about the other thing that mid-life crisisy men do?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- No.- Honestly.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I read about it in Grazia.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10What you have to do is when he comes back, keep an eye out for anything
0:21:10 > 0:21:14which might suggest he's been near somebody else's perfume.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You think...he would actually...
0:21:19 > 0:21:23(SNIGGERS) Course not!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25This is Mahmud we're talking about.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Mahmud?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I need to take a shower.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43(YELLS)
0:21:43 > 0:21:46So, I'm dying to know, how was the big day?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50'I dunno. It was a weird wedding.'
0:21:50 > 0:21:52'Catering by Al-Qaeda.'
0:21:52 > 0:21:55'Check out the bridesmaids' quarters.'
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, Jesus.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05'I'm still hoping we can upgrade to a room in Abu Ghraib.'
0:22:05 > 0:22:08'So, how did it go with your dad?'
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Actually, not bad, you know. He seemed to take it quite seriously.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16I'm keeping him sweet. I found this clip of this '80s pop star he likes
0:22:16 > 0:22:20and... Wow! Dad... You look great.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Doesn't he look great?- (UZMA LAUGHS)
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- 'Bohat sundar, Mr Nasir. You look lovely.'- Thank you. Thank you.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31- Um, can I use my computer, please? - Yeah. Um, bye, darling.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32'Bye, Rashid. I love you.'
0:22:32 > 0:22:36'And, Mr Nasir, thank you so much.'
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Dad, look at this. It's a support Palestine rally
0:22:40 > 0:22:43that Uzma's stepdad is talking at next week.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I thought we should go, show willing.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Is the bloke with the hook going to be there? I'm frightened of him.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Dad, it's a just cause, one we all believe in.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Of course, yeah. I'll definitely be there.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Oh, I forgot to show you something.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02(GARY PAGE SINGS)
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- Hey?- I've never seen this.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- It's your favourite.- Gary Page.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12So what happened to him anyway?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Oh, I dunno. He died or disappeared about ten years ago.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20'Stop, stop, you fuckin' idiots!'
0:23:20 > 0:23:23'You morons!'
0:23:23 > 0:23:26'I always go to sleep at midnight, so I fuckin' close my eyes.'
0:23:26 > 0:23:28'Fuck off, you fuckin' Paki!'
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Oh, God. Dad, I'm sorry. I hadn't watched it that far.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34(CROWD BOOS)
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I always knew he was a psycho.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- OK, so...- Yeah, sure, sure.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Thank you.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49OK.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- What are you doing?- Nothing.
0:25:04 > 0:25:10I just was...wondering if I should order a new suit for the wedding.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13What shall I buy? I don't know.
0:25:14 > 0:25:21- Where were you last night?- Er, I stayed at my mother's house again.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Yeah, just thinking. Praying.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Stuff.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Right.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- Any driver at all, Cricklewood? - I've got some blokes with a van.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41You know, you said to move some boxes from your mum's.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45- Oh, yeah. Thank you, Sharif. - It's OK.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Sharif?- Yeah.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- We're all friends, aren't we?- Yeah.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- We can tell each other anything? - I hope so.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00That's good to know.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16That David Schwimmer, he's... Jewish, is he?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20- He's got enough money to be, boss. - That's it, Wasif, right.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Rich Jewish...wankers.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- They're all Jews on American TV.- On TV? The whole country's run by Jews.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33- It's basically the United States of Israel.- Exactly, yeah.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Yeah. Bloody Jews.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Don't know about all that. People of the Book, aren't they?
0:26:38 > 0:26:40People of the chequebook more like.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- (LAUGHTER) - That's funny.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46That's a good one. People of the chequebook. (LAUGHS)
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- That's...- Mahmud.- Yeah.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58You all right?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Yeah, it's just... It was a good one, yeah.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Anyway, er, very good, keep up the good work.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Jew scum!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15(RADIO ON)
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Just here on the left. I've had the council reserve this space.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20'..Yusuf Islam.'
0:27:47 > 0:27:49(DOORBELL / TV ON)
0:27:52 > 0:27:55(DOORBELL)
0:27:59 > 0:28:00(DOORBELL)
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- You got a fuckin'...- (US ACCENT) I shouldn't have rubbed that lamp.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- You American? - Nah, I'm a cockney sparra.
0:28:07 > 0:28:11- Move your cab.- Beg your pardon? Where's the famed Islamic politeness?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14You saw the space was marked. Move your fuckin' cab!
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Look, I've lived here for 15 years. I'll park where I want!
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- Just move it further up the road!- I like that space. I always park there.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Oh, yeah. It's a bit like the Occupied Territories.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28- Oh...- That's what's going on here. - Here it comes! The anti-Semitism!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- I'm not anti-Semitic. - No? What else you want to call me?
0:28:31 > 0:28:35- Hymie? Kike? Bagel breath? - Bollocks.- Four by two? Neo-con?
0:28:35 > 0:28:39No, no. I'm not being anti-Semitic. I can't be.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- Yeah? Why not? - Because I'm a fuckin' Jew!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47(WHISPERS) I'm a Jew.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Shit. Don't you dare tell anyone.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- I'm the shoe bomber. Pleasure to meet you.- No, listen.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56I just found out I'm adopted. By Muslims.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00My real parents were Jews.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02(LAUGHS)
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- Is that funny? - Why should I believe you?
0:29:06 > 0:29:10- Why the fuck should I make it up? - Well, that's a point.- Yeah.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13No point asking you to drop your pants because...
0:29:13 > 0:29:15- Circumcised? We all are. Are you? - Yeah, yeah.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19- I know. Word association. - What are you talking about?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- Come on!- What for?- Car.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- Volvo.- Right on.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Er, happy.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30- Ish.- Two out of three.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Crystal.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- Nacht.- Wow. Even I would have said "Palace".
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- So, I don't know why...- Listen to me.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41- My real name, my "birth" name... - Please don't do that.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43..is Solly Shimshillewitz.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- Solly Shimshillewitz. - Now do you believe me?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Why didn't they just call you Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew and be done with it?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52It was nice talking to you. Fine.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56It's almost as Jewy a name as Izzy Shimshillewitz.
0:29:56 > 0:29:59- What?- Izzy Shimshillewitz. Used to live round here years ago.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02There's an Izzy Shimshillewitz? Where is he? Is he still alive?
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Fuck knows.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07- Where are you going?- To move my cab.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11- What, cos you just found out... - Welcome to the worldwide conspiracy.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16- Would you like a chip?- Got one.
0:30:16 > 0:30:17(BOOING)
0:30:17 > 0:30:19(DOORBELL)
0:30:25 > 0:30:31- Yes?- I called earlier about Izzy Shimshillewitz.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34You the guy that phoned five other Jewish old-age homes?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36Er, yeah. How did you know?
0:30:36 > 0:30:41Cos we Jewish old-age homes share info for security purposes.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44We're very tight on that stuff, us Jewish old-age homes.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Very tight.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08- Dad?- Urgh. I don't think so.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12- Firstly, you appear to be Muslim. - I'm sorry.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15And secondly, I'm perhaps five years younger than you.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- Yes, you're right. I'm sorry.- Yes.
0:31:19 > 0:31:21Is Izzy Shimshillewitz in there?
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Yes.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26- Can I go in, please?- I'm afraid not.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30You don't understand. I'm his son, I think.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Do you have some sort of syndrome?
0:31:33 > 0:31:37No, no. My real parents are Jews. I was adopted.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39I just found out my birth name is Shimshillewitz.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43- Really? What, and you're definitely Isaac's son, are you?- Yes, yes.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45I mean, I must be.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48I'm sorry, but as Mr Shimshillewitz's rabbi,
0:31:48 > 0:31:50I have to think of his welfare first. He's a sick man.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54- Then you have to let me in. - Look at you. A Muslim son?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56He's an observant Jew. It would kill him stone dead.
0:31:56 > 0:32:01- (SIGHS) What do I do? - What do you know about Jews?
0:32:02 > 0:32:05They've got big noses.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07They like money.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11They do... Support Spurs.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14OK, so the answer is nothing.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16What you need to do, and quickly,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19is think about what it means to be a Jew.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22And then...we'll think about letting you in.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30By the way, when you thought I was your dad, like a shrivelled old man,
0:32:30 > 0:32:34was it because of the hairless thing, because that is genetic?
0:32:34 > 0:32:35Right.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Dodi! You've come back from the dead.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Can I come in, please?
0:33:11 > 0:33:13(KETTLE WHISTLES)
0:33:27 > 0:33:29(PLAYS JARRING TUNE)
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- Two sugars.- Thank you.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Look, um...
0:33:46 > 0:33:48I don't know your name.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52Leonard. Leonard Goldberg. Lenny to my very few friends.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54- Chaser?- No, I don't drink.- Of course.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Me, I've recently developed a taste for it.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01So, er, Jews...
0:34:04 > 0:34:06Yeah.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Tell me about them.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11(LAUGHS)
0:34:11 > 0:34:16OK. Er, well, let's see. Where shall we start?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I know. Let's start with me.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22The archetype, the American Jew.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26As American as knish and Seinfeld and slavish support for Israel.
0:34:28 > 0:34:29Like my fellow countrymen,
0:34:29 > 0:34:33I didn't think there were any other Jews in the whole fuckin' world.
0:34:33 > 0:34:34Especially not Britain.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Britain. Land of hope and pork. A Jew in Britain? (LAUGHS)
0:34:38 > 0:34:42That's just weird. That's like an American driving a hackney carriage.
0:34:42 > 0:34:47(COCKNEY) A Yank wiv the knowledge? What's the bloody world comin' to?
0:34:47 > 0:34:52No. In London alone you've got your Hampstead liberal intellectual Jew,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55you've got your Pinner secular accountant Jew,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58you've got your Hendon orthodox lawyer Jew,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01and, scum of kosher scum, your Essex Jews,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04of which heritage my recently ex-wife,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07who, by the way, in case you were wondering,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09is the reason why I came to this fuckin' country
0:35:09 > 0:35:13and why I know so much about its Jews.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- Knish?- A doughy kosher deep-fried dumpling.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22Then you've got your Israeli Jews. Jews without angst, without guilt.
0:35:22 > 0:35:23So really not Jews at all.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Then of course your Jews for Jesus. (PHONE RINGS)
0:35:26 > 0:35:28What in fuck is that all about?
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Y'ello?
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Yeah, yeah. Adam. No, no, I'm gonna pick...
0:35:34 > 0:35:39What? Why? Ah, Christ, why? Adam...
0:35:41 > 0:35:44You know what, fuck off, you little shit.
0:35:47 > 0:35:51- Right, I guess I've got... - Useless flaky son.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56I was supposed to go to a bar mitzvah with him on Saturday.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Now I got nobody to go with.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02It's just... I hate going to those things alone.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05All those Jews, Jewing it up in public, you know.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08(CLEARS THROAT)
0:36:10 > 0:36:12What, you? You?
0:36:12 > 0:36:13Hm.
0:36:13 > 0:36:15(LAUGHS) Go to a bar mitzvah with you?
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Osama bin Leiner? Olly Bungo? Captain Muslim?
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Come on, I can blend in. You know.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27- Call that a shrug?- It's a shrug.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- That's not a shrug.- It's blending in.
0:36:29 > 0:36:36Look, you wanna be a Jew, palms up, shoulders, then the sad doggy eyes.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39(WOMAN MOANS)
0:36:39 > 0:36:41(TRADITIONAL JEWISH KLEZMER MUSIC)
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Oy...
0:37:33 > 0:37:35Oy...
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Oy...
0:38:22 > 0:38:24- Oy.- Oy.
0:38:24 > 0:38:25- Oy...- Oy.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28- Oy.- Oy.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Oy.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41(# "HATIKVAH" MUSIC)
0:38:47 > 0:38:51Doesn't it just make you want to put your possessions in a wooden cart
0:38:51 > 0:38:54and pull them sadly and slowly away from your burning village?
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Oy.
0:39:31 > 0:39:32Oych...
0:39:32 > 0:39:34That's it.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Yes!
0:39:39 > 0:39:40Fuckin' get in there!
0:39:40 > 0:39:43Come on!
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Great. Now let's move onto "vey".
0:39:57 > 0:39:59Mahmud?
0:39:59 > 0:40:01(DOOR OPENS)
0:40:01 > 0:40:04- Can you call Rashid? It's -- Hey, how you doing?- Hi, you look smart.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08- Thanks. I'm going out later.- OK.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Yes, a work's do. It's Sharif's 60th.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Right.
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Hey, you look...
0:40:14 > 0:40:18What? Fatter? Bigger? Motti? More rounded? Fat, fat?
0:40:18 > 0:40:21No, you look great. I was going to say, you look great.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23(LAUGHS)
0:40:23 > 0:40:27Anyway, Rashid is going on this rally at Al-Masra is speaking at.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Oh, shit. I promised him I'd go.
0:40:29 > 0:40:34Mahmud, look, we haven't even talked about how this, this...
0:40:34 > 0:40:38terrifying shithead is going to become part of our family.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42Er, Saamiya, he comes around, OK,
0:40:42 > 0:40:45we meet him, he gives his blessing,
0:40:45 > 0:40:48and we sort it out for Rashid and Uzma, that's it.
0:40:48 > 0:40:53Besides, this Arshad guy, come on. How meshuggine can he be?
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Sorry?
0:40:55 > 0:41:02How many sugars sort of a very sweet cup of tea can he be?
0:41:02 > 0:41:05You know, Mahmud, I never thought I would end up with a guy
0:41:05 > 0:41:07who thinks he looks good in a Tottenham Hotspur shirt
0:41:07 > 0:41:09and pair of chuddees,
0:41:09 > 0:41:12who teaches our four-year-old daughter extremist language
0:41:12 > 0:41:16and rather than get up from the TV urinates in a cup.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18That only happened the once.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21My World's Best Mum cup that Rashid gave me when he was ten.
0:41:21 > 0:41:24I forgot to clean it.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26But none of that matters,
0:41:26 > 0:41:29because the only thing that matters between husband and wife is honesty.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32And you've always promised to be honest to me.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34I've always believed that promise.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Should I?
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Of course.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Of course.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55(GARY PAGE) # I saw you walking with your new love
0:41:58 > 0:42:01# My mind's as blank as a loaded gun
0:42:05 > 0:42:08# So was it the truth when you said it was true love?
0:42:11 > 0:42:14# I thought that I was the chosen one
0:42:16 > 0:42:19# Cos it's not so
0:42:19 > 0:42:22# You told me
0:42:22 > 0:42:25# And let me tell you you said so
0:42:25 > 0:42:27# You told me... #
0:42:30 > 0:42:32- Hey, Dad, you made it. - Yeah, wouldn't miss this.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34What time is Al-Masri here?
0:42:34 > 0:42:39There's a rumour going around that he's been banned by the organisers.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42- (CHANTING) - Some people aren't happy about it.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46I can see that. It's hot, though, innit?
0:42:46 > 0:42:48Yeah.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58Dad... What is that on your head?
0:43:10 > 0:43:12I've brought this for one reason.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14And one reason alone.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19(CHANTING)
0:43:26 > 0:43:28Burn it, burn it, burn it!
0:43:38 > 0:43:39Down with Zionism!
0:43:41 > 0:43:43OK, last run through of things not to mention -
0:43:43 > 0:43:47Hitler, Protocols of the Elders of Zion, the fact that you're Muslim.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Well, what about prayers?
0:43:49 > 0:43:52There may be one or two but when in doubt, just do this.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54Baruch Hashem...
0:43:54 > 0:43:57That's it? Baruch Hashem?
0:43:57 > 0:43:58OK.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01- You memorise some Yiddish? - Just a few.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Just sprinkle in a few words, you'll be OK.
0:44:03 > 0:44:07Schlep, kvetch, traipse.
0:44:07 > 0:44:11- Traipse? That's an English word. - It is? Sounds Yiddish.
0:44:12 > 0:44:14Ah, hello!
0:44:16 > 0:44:19- It's so nice to meet you. How are you?- Monty.- How are you?
0:44:19 > 0:44:21Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
0:44:21 > 0:44:24our bar mitzvah boys, Sammy and Louis.
0:44:24 > 0:44:26(MUSIC PLAYS)
0:44:34 > 0:44:37- Mazel tov! - (SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE)
0:44:37 > 0:44:41OK. What kind of Jew is that? A smelly one?
0:44:41 > 0:44:44Hippy Jew. Bohemian parents. Now a Buddhist.
0:44:44 > 0:44:46A Buddhist Jew? How does that work?
0:44:46 > 0:44:49Believes you should renounce all possessions but keep the receipts.
0:44:49 > 0:44:52Ooh! Look at that.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55I'd like to offer her some serious kosher sausage.
0:44:55 > 0:44:57What kind of Jew is that?
0:44:57 > 0:44:59That is my ex-wife.
0:45:00 > 0:45:02I'm sorry.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05With her wanking boyfriend, Maurice Gross.
0:45:05 > 0:45:10- Maurice Gross.- Psychic investigator from High Barnet.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13- Julie, Denise.- Oh, Lenny.
0:45:15 > 0:45:18- So sorry to hear about you and Diane.- Yeah.
0:45:18 > 0:45:22Now she's with Maurice Gross. Who'd have guessed?
0:45:22 > 0:45:24I suppose he would.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27Well, being a psychic investigator.
0:45:28 > 0:45:32- It's a wisecrack.- Oh. - I thought you people...
0:45:32 > 0:45:35We're well known for wisecracking, us people.
0:45:35 > 0:45:38Ladies, this is my cousin, Solomon.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41- Solomon Shimshillewitz. - Please call me Solly.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44- How do you do?- How do you do?
0:45:44 > 0:45:45Hello.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47Lovely event, don't you think, Solly?
0:45:47 > 0:45:50Yes, it's very...very gschmack.
0:45:52 > 0:45:55Er, er, actually, it's very traipse, I'd say.
0:45:59 > 0:46:03- It's very Jewish. - You're right. It is very Jewish.
0:46:04 > 0:46:09Ooh, I'm sure Lenny must have told you that Denise and I are co-chair -
0:46:09 > 0:46:12- Co-chair.- ..of the North London Ladies Eretz Yisrael Guild.
0:46:12 > 0:46:15- Eretz...- Yisrael.- I know it.
0:46:15 > 0:46:20- So we wondered if you might sign our latest petition.- I'd be delighted.
0:46:20 > 0:46:24We, the undersigned, believe that the state of Israel...
0:46:24 > 0:46:28..is unfairly demonised by BBC, ITV Channel 4 and all other forms...
0:46:28 > 0:46:31..of the UK news media, despite being...
0:46:31 > 0:46:35..a shining example of democracy and fairness, which wants to live...
0:46:35 > 0:46:39- ..in peace... - ..in peace with its neighbours.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43Thanks, Lenny.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45If you wouldn't mind.
0:46:48 > 0:46:52- Just-Just here... - Just there, please.- Thank you.
0:46:54 > 0:46:58- I have a twitch! Ow! Ow, that really hurt!- Are you all right?
0:46:58 > 0:47:04Ladies and gentlemen, before we eat, Rabbi Feinstein will say grace.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06(RABBI CHANTS PRAYER)
0:47:21 > 0:47:24(ALL) Amen.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26(MUTTERS HEBREW-LIKE WORDS)
0:47:26 > 0:47:28(CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY)
0:47:31 > 0:47:33(MUSIC PLAYS)
0:48:04 > 0:48:07(MUTTERED CONVERSATION)
0:48:07 > 0:48:11Sorry to interrupt. I think we should go. This is too Jewish.
0:48:11 > 0:48:13Ladies and gentlemen...
0:48:14 > 0:48:16That's nice.
0:48:16 > 0:48:22Today our blessed bar mitzvah twins, Sammy and Louis, become men.
0:48:27 > 0:48:29Yeah, it's good to be a Jewish man now.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32But don't come crying to me in 30 years when your prostrate blows up
0:48:32 > 0:48:36and your wife runs off with a psychic investigator from High Barnet.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43- What?- Speech.- Sorry, Monty.
0:48:43 > 0:48:49Anyway, boys, seeing as your father here is to public speaking as...
0:48:49 > 0:48:51Stephen Hawking is to windsurfing,
0:48:51 > 0:48:55he has asked schmuggins here to take on the bar mitzvah task
0:48:55 > 0:48:58of telling a classic Jewish funny story.
0:48:58 > 0:49:04Sadly, though, I've become a bit "tired and emotional" this evening,
0:49:04 > 0:49:06so... I'm also very drunk.
0:49:06 > 0:49:11So I've decided to pass the baton, to give the task to my good friend
0:49:11 > 0:49:16and classic Jewish storyteller.
0:49:16 > 0:49:20Ladies and gentlemen, Solly Shimshillewitz.
0:49:20 > 0:49:21(APPLAUSE)
0:49:29 > 0:49:31Er...
0:49:31 > 0:49:32Hello.
0:49:33 > 0:49:36- Y'all... - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK WHINES)
0:49:36 > 0:49:43How about the story about Rabbi Akiba and Fishl, the village idiot?
0:49:43 > 0:49:46Yeah, how about that? That's a good idea. Let's...
0:49:48 > 0:49:53So, there was a tale of Rabbi...
0:49:53 > 0:49:58- Akiba.- ..Akiba, who lived in...
0:49:58 > 0:49:59(MAKES GUTTURAL NOISE)
0:49:59 > 0:50:03..and he always observed his... (MAKES GUTTURAL NOISES)
0:50:06 > 0:50:09Er... Then in the syn...
0:50:09 > 0:50:12No, I know this one. The shul.
0:50:12 > 0:50:14- Shul.- I said it. The shul.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16- Shul.- The shuuul.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19In the shul came Fishl, the village idiot.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23What an idiot he was. He went up to the rabbi,
0:50:23 > 0:50:25he said, "Rabbi, rabbi, er..."
0:50:27 > 0:50:30"My foreskin has grown back."
0:50:33 > 0:50:36- Um, he did, he said that. - No, he didn't.- He did.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39And the rabbi looked at him and said, "You what?"
0:50:39 > 0:50:44And Fishl said, "It's true. What do I do about this foreskin?"
0:50:44 > 0:50:48And... it was at that point... Can you help me with this one?
0:50:48 > 0:50:49- Yes, I can.- Finish it off.
0:50:49 > 0:50:53Rabbi Akiba says, "Moses said that
0:50:53 > 0:50:56"when the light of the world is shining
0:50:56 > 0:50:59- "we must turn our faces to the sky." - That's it, yeah.
0:50:59 > 0:51:02And Joshua said, "When the light of the world is dim,
0:51:02 > 0:51:05- "we must turn our faces to the ground."- Ground...
0:51:05 > 0:51:08"But I say, Rabbi Akiba says..."
0:51:08 > 0:51:11- Yeah, what did he say? - "Rabbi Akiba says..."
0:51:15 > 0:51:19- Er, Rabbi Akiba looked at Fishl. - And says...
0:51:26 > 0:51:28(YIDDISH-LIKE WORDS)
0:51:44 > 0:51:46(LAUGHS)
0:51:47 > 0:51:49(LAUGHTER)
0:51:54 > 0:51:56- What was that?- Fuck knows.
0:51:56 > 0:51:58(TRADITIONAL MUSIC STARTS)
0:52:37 > 0:52:39- (BRAKES SQUEAL) - Jesus.
0:52:40 > 0:52:44See, as long as I'm in a cab, sober as a judge.
0:52:44 > 0:52:49That was good to know. I didn't expect it. Thanks, Lenny.
0:52:49 > 0:52:54Mahmud, this Jew thing, what's so important?
0:52:54 > 0:52:58- Izzy Shimshillewitz. - What, he's still alive?
0:52:58 > 0:53:02Yeah, I think so. I can't be sure. They won't let me see him.
0:53:02 > 0:53:05- What do you mean? They who? - The rabbi at the care home.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08He says I've got to get a bit more Jewy.
0:53:08 > 0:53:11- Did he?- Yeah.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14- When are you gonna see him next? - Soon as possible. Tomorrow.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17You know what, I'm gonna go with you.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20- Yeah?- Yeah, I'm not gonna let your family emotional moment
0:53:20 > 0:53:23get held back by some asshole frummer.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25I think that's really good if you come.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28- I'm gonna go.- You will be tactful? - Yeah.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32Because this is a big thing for me. My dad...
0:53:32 > 0:53:35My adopted one, when he died...
0:53:35 > 0:53:37It really cut me up.
0:53:37 > 0:53:41You know, and now I've got this other dad here and it's too much.
0:53:41 > 0:53:42Look, finding out you're Jewish
0:53:42 > 0:53:46doesn't mean that every moment is a therapeutic opportunity.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Shalom Aleichem, Mahmud.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57Walaikum Assalam, Lenny.
0:54:06 > 0:54:09- Hey.- Hey. Good night, Rash.
0:54:09 > 0:54:10Good night.
0:54:10 > 0:54:14Dad, that was a bit weird today, wasn't it, at the rally?
0:54:14 > 0:54:19Weird. Yeah, it was. I was just trying, you know,
0:54:19 > 0:54:22to show support for the big stepfather guy.
0:54:22 > 0:54:25Yeah, but I think when he comes to see us,
0:54:25 > 0:54:28you could tone it down a touch maybe.
0:54:28 > 0:54:30Just a touch. (LAUGHS)
0:54:32 > 0:54:35Good. Right. Relax. It's OK.
0:54:35 > 0:54:36Good night.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50I spoke to Sharif tonight. He isn't 60 until June.
0:54:54 > 0:54:56Saamiya...
0:54:56 > 0:54:58D'you remember when we got married?
0:55:00 > 0:55:06When you promised to love me and honour me with faith and obedience
0:55:06 > 0:55:08and gentleness?
0:55:08 > 0:55:10Yes, of course.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13- Who is it?- Ow! - It it someone from work?
0:55:13 > 0:55:18- Work? They're all men. - That pram-face tart from Tesco's?
0:55:18 > 0:55:21Blimey. You noticed that? I was just looking.
0:55:21 > 0:55:22Hm...
0:55:22 > 0:55:25Anyway, you know, I can have four wives.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28That's why you've been running to the mosque all this time, huh?
0:55:28 > 0:55:31- Get out!- I knew I should have never married a Shia!
0:55:31 > 0:55:33That hurts. Will you calm down?
0:55:36 > 0:55:39- I want to tell you something. - It's not...
0:55:39 > 0:55:42- What?- You're not...?
0:55:42 > 0:55:45Mahmud, I spoke to the imam because I was worried about you
0:55:45 > 0:55:47and he said you told him this thing about yourself
0:55:47 > 0:55:49and I laughed, because you can't be.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52- Gay.- Oh, no.
0:55:52 > 0:55:55I've seen this on the internet, men like you.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57They're called bears, big, fat, hairy men -
0:55:57 > 0:56:02I'm not gay, all right? I'm not gay. He got the wrong end of the stick.
0:56:02 > 0:56:04Listen to me. The truth is...
0:56:08 > 0:56:09- The truth is...- Hm?
0:56:11 > 0:56:14I'm...
0:56:14 > 0:56:16frightened.
0:56:16 > 0:56:21- Frightened? - Of meeting Arshad Al-Masri.
0:56:21 > 0:56:24At least, I was frightened
0:56:24 > 0:56:27till I started going to religious education classes.
0:56:27 > 0:56:33- Really?- Yeah. Night classes at the mosque. Yeah.
0:56:36 > 0:56:40Jaanu, that's so sweet.
0:56:41 > 0:56:43You're not ashamed of me, then?
0:56:43 > 0:56:45Ashamed?
0:56:45 > 0:56:48- I'm proud of you.- Oh...
0:56:48 > 0:56:50Hey, come here...
0:56:52 > 0:56:55..and show me how un-gay you really are.
0:56:55 > 0:57:00You big, heterosexual bear.
0:57:14 > 0:57:16Hello. How is he?
0:57:16 > 0:57:20Stable, but no better. That's why I'm here 24/7 at the moment.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22(SNIGGERS)
0:57:22 > 0:57:26Sorry. I just thought you said 24/7. That's kinda weird for a rabbi to say
0:57:26 > 0:57:31This is my friend Leonard Goldberg. He's been... Yeah.
0:57:31 > 0:57:35- I remember setting you a little test.- Yeah, Lenny's been helping me.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37- Has he?- Yeah.
0:57:37 > 0:57:43Been doing my teacher thing, you know, for my Yid-Muslo homey.
0:57:43 > 0:57:47- Say your Shema.- I beg your pardon?
0:57:47 > 0:57:49The Shema. The Lord's Prayer.
0:57:49 > 0:57:51Oh, don't tell me he hasn't taught...
0:57:53 > 0:57:56Er, well, name the five books of Moses.
0:57:56 > 0:57:59I can do this. (CLEARS THROAT) Genesis.
0:57:59 > 0:58:01- Er, in Hebrew.- In Hebrew?
0:58:04 > 0:58:05Gen'hech-sis.
0:58:05 > 0:58:07What's Hebrew for Phil Collins?
0:58:07 > 0:58:08Ex'hodus.
0:58:08 > 0:58:10OK, I've had quite enough...
0:58:10 > 0:58:12- (MUTTERS) - Whoa, listen, right.
0:58:12 > 0:58:14My friend has drunk my chicken soup,
0:58:14 > 0:58:17he's danced like a Cossack in my living room,
0:58:17 > 0:58:19he told a funny story at a bar mitzvah
0:58:19 > 0:58:21and, by, the way, he got a big laugh.
0:58:21 > 0:58:25I'm a Jew and my friend here is Jewish enough for me.
0:58:26 > 0:58:30- Find a better teacher.- Where am I gonna I find one? Craigslist?
0:58:30 > 0:58:33Look, Rabbi, I haven't even told my wife and family about this.
0:58:33 > 0:58:36Perhaps you should. Now, I've got a dying man's soul...
0:58:36 > 0:58:40- Whoa, whoa, you sanctimonious rabbinical cue ball.- Please...
0:58:40 > 0:58:43- So it's about my alopecia now? - (ALL TALK AT ONCE)
0:58:43 > 0:58:46You're disturbing the residents. You're frightening them.
0:58:47 > 0:58:49Hi.
0:58:59 > 0:59:03- Hi?- Sorry.
0:59:03 > 0:59:06(MUSIC) # I'm a bow-legged chicken, I'm a knock-kneed hen
0:59:06 > 0:59:08# Never been so happy since I don't know when... #
0:59:08 > 0:59:13You don't want to listen to what that oversized toddler punk rabbi says.
0:59:13 > 0:59:17I'm a little bit racist towards Muslims but this asshole,
0:59:17 > 0:59:19if you have an ounce of Allah inside you,
0:59:19 > 0:59:21he will never let you near your dad.
0:59:21 > 0:59:25I-I should tell people. I should tell everyone I was born a Jew.
0:59:25 > 0:59:28That would be a very un-Jewish thing to do.
0:59:28 > 0:59:31We don't like to call attention to ourselves.
0:59:31 > 0:59:33We're proud but we're proud quietly.
0:59:35 > 0:59:39- Er, what about Israelis?- I told you, they're not really Jews.
0:59:39 > 0:59:42They're not exactly quiet about themselves, are they?
0:59:42 > 0:59:46What with all the warmongering and the colonial rampaging,
0:59:46 > 0:59:49and, the, ooh, "If you throw a pebble at us,
0:59:49 > 0:59:52"we'll raze your hospitals to the ground" foreign policy."
0:59:52 > 0:59:54Unlike the very quiet way
0:59:54 > 0:59:58in which Palestinians strap bombs to themselves and blow up school buses?
0:59:58 > 1:00:00You know full well that
1:00:00 > 1:00:03there are loads more Palestinians killed by the Israeli army
1:00:03 > 1:00:05than the other way round!
1:00:05 > 1:00:07(BRAKES SQUEAL)
1:00:07 > 1:00:09What exactly is your problem, fat boy?
1:00:11 > 1:00:14Who are you to tell me about Jews?!
1:00:14 > 1:00:17Don't look... If you'd been a better teacher,
1:00:17 > 1:00:19I'd have been at my father's deathbed!
1:00:19 > 1:00:22What exactly are you saying? It's my fault?
1:00:22 > 1:00:23- Yes!- Ah!
1:00:23 > 1:00:26You self-hating mentalist!
1:00:26 > 1:00:31- Get out of my cab.- You what? - You heard me. Get out of my cab.
1:00:31 > 1:00:34- Americans shouldn't be driving a black cab anyway!- Asshole.
1:00:34 > 1:00:39- I'm gonna tell my family, I am. - I don't give a fuck what you do.
1:00:39 > 1:00:41- Anti-Semite! - Islamophobe!
1:00:45 > 1:00:47Suck my fat one!
1:00:48 > 1:00:50# Flap your elbows just for luck
1:00:50 > 1:00:53# Then you wiggle and you waddle like a baby duck
1:00:53 > 1:00:57# So dance with me, honey, tap your toes and glide
1:00:57 > 1:01:00# And we'll always be together side by side
1:01:00 > 1:01:03# Walk with a wiggle and a giggle and a squawk
1:01:03 > 1:01:06# Doing the Tennessee wig walk. #
1:01:06 > 1:01:08Rashid, Saamiya, can you come down please?
1:01:10 > 1:01:12There's something I've got to tell you.
1:01:19 > 1:01:23Daddy, the funny men have come to see if we're Muslim enough.
1:01:23 > 1:01:27Mahmud, come and meet our guests.
1:01:27 > 1:01:29This is Mr Al-Masri.
1:01:29 > 1:01:31Please call me Arshad Uncle.
1:01:31 > 1:01:36Yes, yes, as-salamu alaikum, Arshad Uncle...
1:01:36 > 1:01:39Wa alaikum assalam. Please.
1:01:39 > 1:01:41My friends.
1:01:41 > 1:01:43This is Tariq.
1:01:43 > 1:01:45And this is Hazeem.
1:01:45 > 1:01:47It's very...
1:01:47 > 1:01:49Oh. It's...
1:01:50 > 1:01:51Um, welcome, everyone.
1:01:51 > 1:01:55You're very welcome. You're very welcome to...my home.
1:01:55 > 1:01:58So, what did you have to tell us?
1:01:58 > 1:02:03- Who?- You came in saying that you have something to tell us.
1:02:04 > 1:02:08Yeah, I was just gonna... tell everyone that I'm...
1:02:08 > 1:02:11(SIGHS) I'm a...
1:02:12 > 1:02:14# Bow-legged chicken, I'm a knock-kneed hen
1:02:14 > 1:02:16# Never been so happy since I don't know when
1:02:16 > 1:02:19# Walk with a wiggle and a squiggle and a squawk, kwa!
1:02:19 > 1:02:21# Doing the Tennessee wig walk. #
1:02:24 > 1:02:28Just something in my head on the way here. I thought Nabi would like it.
1:02:28 > 1:02:32I do. Is it the theme song of the world-wide Islamic caliphate?
1:02:35 > 1:02:37Very good. (CHUCKLES)
1:02:37 > 1:02:43So, let us sit. Friends and family need not stand on ceremony.
1:02:43 > 1:02:45(CLEARS THROAT)
1:02:45 > 1:02:47(CLEARS THROAT)
1:02:56 > 1:03:00- Uzma, where is your mum? - Oh, she's just in the...
1:03:03 > 1:03:05- As-salamu alaikum, Kashima.- Mahmud.
1:03:07 > 1:03:09So, let us talk about Rashid.
1:03:09 > 1:03:12Yes, he's a... He's a good boy, I think.
1:03:16 > 1:03:18Though, um... (CLEARS THROAT)
1:03:18 > 1:03:21As the Holy Quran says...
1:03:22 > 1:03:24It...
1:03:24 > 1:03:28Children are our only trial.
1:03:28 > 1:03:32Not quite. "Your wealth and your children are only a trial
1:03:32 > 1:03:36"whereas Allah, with Him is a great reward."
1:03:36 > 1:03:37At-Taghaabun, Ayah 15.
1:03:37 > 1:03:40Of course. Right, yeah.
1:03:40 > 1:03:45Come, I do not expect everyone to know every Hadith by heart.
1:03:45 > 1:03:48- (LAUGHTER)- I don't even know Humpty Dumpty by heart.
1:03:48 > 1:03:53All I need to be happy and content is to know I am among Muslims.
1:03:53 > 1:03:55Of course.
1:03:55 > 1:03:59And on that note, because of course we are here in the hope of sealing
1:03:59 > 1:04:03the happy event which may join our two families forever,
1:04:03 > 1:04:08you will forgive me the need of... some enquiry.
1:04:08 > 1:04:10Brother Arshad can trace his lineage
1:04:10 > 1:04:14back to Ibrahim ibn Walid ibn Abdallah,
1:04:14 > 1:04:16Imam of Medina
1:04:16 > 1:04:18of the eighth century.
1:04:18 > 1:04:21I have to be careful in my position.
1:04:21 > 1:04:24You'll have seen the television cameras outside.
1:04:24 > 1:04:27They have been chasing me since my arrival in Britain.
1:04:27 > 1:04:33I must be on guard to preserve the dignity of the Al-Masri name.
1:04:33 > 1:04:35Yeah, absolutely. Yes, yes.
1:04:35 > 1:04:40For example, a small internet search reveals that you once wrote a letter
1:04:40 > 1:04:45to the local paper calling on Muslims to be more "moderate".
1:04:45 > 1:04:50Listen, that whole Shia-shite thing misprint, I got upset about that.
1:04:50 > 1:04:53Moderation is of course a good thing...
1:04:53 > 1:04:55in moderation.
1:04:59 > 1:05:02(LAUGHS / ALL JOIN IN)
1:05:06 > 1:05:11But... this Western idea of the moderate Muslim...
1:05:13 > 1:05:18..that idea I completely reject!
1:05:18 > 1:05:22But then, I saw how you had changed.
1:05:24 > 1:05:28- How do you mean?- Tariq.
1:05:29 > 1:05:32(CHANTING)
1:05:36 > 1:05:40- What are you doing there, Daddy? - Yes, Nabi. Good question.
1:05:40 > 1:05:42This...
1:05:42 > 1:05:45- We've put the film on our website. - You have?
1:05:45 > 1:05:4943,000 hits and counting, insha'Allah.
1:05:49 > 1:05:51Insha'Allah.
1:05:51 > 1:05:53What Mahmud is doing, Nabi,
1:05:53 > 1:05:58is demonstrating that even a liberal moderate Muslim
1:05:58 > 1:06:01can only be stretched so far.
1:06:02 > 1:06:04Am I right, Mahmud?
1:06:07 > 1:06:09Absolutely.
1:06:11 > 1:06:15So, Uzma and Rashid,
1:06:15 > 1:06:18I give their match my blessing.
1:06:21 > 1:06:25Let us celebrate. Please, sing for us, brother Arshad.
1:06:25 > 1:06:29- No, no.- Brother Arshad has a beautiful singing voice.
1:06:29 > 1:06:31- Oh?- Oh?
1:06:31 > 1:06:35- Not really.- Please, Arshad sahab, we would all love to hear you sing.
1:06:35 > 1:06:36Er...
1:06:36 > 1:06:40Well, just...a little...nasheed
1:06:40 > 1:06:44that my mother taught me.
1:06:44 > 1:06:46(CLEARS THROAT)
1:06:48 > 1:06:50(SINGS)
1:07:25 > 1:07:26(DOORBELL)
1:07:32 > 1:07:34Um, I'll go and get that.
1:07:34 > 1:07:38I'm sorry. That was really nice. I was really enjoying that.
1:07:41 > 1:07:44- (CROWD SHOUTS) Anti-Semites! - Mr Nasir?
1:07:44 > 1:07:47You are under arrest on suspicion of having performed actions
1:07:47 > 1:07:51in contravention to the Racial and Religious Hatred Act of 2006.
1:07:51 > 1:07:53(SIGHS)
1:07:53 > 1:07:55How dare you gatecrash my twins' big day?
1:07:55 > 1:07:59What were you planning to do? Anthrax in the smoked salmon sushi?
1:07:59 > 1:08:02- Come along now, Mr Nasir. - Yes, yes, sorry.
1:08:02 > 1:08:05What is this man guilty of exactly? (CROWD SHOUTS)
1:08:05 > 1:08:09When the Jewish-controlled Western media
1:08:09 > 1:08:14produces offensive Islamophobic blasphemies!
1:08:16 > 1:08:21Should a Muslim speak out about the treatment of his brothers
1:08:21 > 1:08:24by the Zionist oppressors?
1:08:24 > 1:08:26- He wasn't speaking out... - (CROWD SHOUTS)
1:08:26 > 1:08:31What happened to your precious freedom of expression,
1:08:31 > 1:08:33you hypocrites?!
1:08:33 > 1:08:37Whatever. Burning a Jew's hat does constitute religious hatred.
1:08:37 > 1:08:41Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you.
1:08:41 > 1:08:43- Anything?- Yes, sir. Anything.
1:08:43 > 1:08:45(CROWD SHOUTS) Mahmud! Mahmud!
1:08:45 > 1:08:47(ALL GROWS SILENT)
1:08:49 > 1:08:52(WIND RISES)
1:08:59 > 1:09:01I'm...
1:09:01 > 1:09:03Jewish!
1:09:06 > 1:09:08- What?- What?
1:09:08 > 1:09:10I'm sorry. What's that, sir?
1:09:10 > 1:09:12I'm Jewish.
1:09:12 > 1:09:15I was born a Jew.
1:09:15 > 1:09:17I just found out.
1:09:17 > 1:09:21I was adopted...by Muslims.
1:09:21 > 1:09:22Uzma!
1:09:22 > 1:09:25- Well, I suppose that's all right, sir.- Well, is it?
1:09:25 > 1:09:27It's like that Jackie Mason fella.
1:09:27 > 1:09:30He can take the piss out of Jews cos he's a Jew. Wouldn't arrest him.
1:09:30 > 1:09:34- This is clearly nonsense. He doesn't even look Jewish.- Yes, he does.
1:09:34 > 1:09:37- What? He's basically a schwarzer.- (GASPS)
1:09:37 > 1:09:40- Dad...- It's true. I'm sorry.
1:09:40 > 1:09:44- No, no, please. Come on. - (ALL SHOUT)
1:09:51 > 1:09:53Uzma!
1:09:54 > 1:09:59The rest of you, could you all kindly fuck off my premises?!
1:10:03 > 1:10:06What d'you mean? How was I inciting racial hatred?
1:10:06 > 1:10:08Schwarzer. I heard you say it.
1:10:08 > 1:10:10How do you even know what it means?
1:10:17 > 1:10:20- Rash.- No.
1:10:22 > 1:10:25Rashid...
1:10:26 > 1:10:28(PICTURE BREAKS)
1:10:34 > 1:10:36At least I'm not a Shia.
1:11:15 > 1:11:18Nabi, what's happening at school today?
1:11:18 > 1:11:20Infidel.
1:11:20 > 1:11:22For crying out loud.
1:11:23 > 1:11:26'I'm Jewish!'
1:11:26 > 1:11:29'I was born a Jew.' Oh, Jesus, Moses and Allah.
1:11:29 > 1:11:31'I was adopted.'
1:11:38 > 1:11:41'Astonishing scenes there. What do we make of them?'
1:11:41 > 1:11:46'Matthew, I think that this guy is multiculturalism made flesh.'
1:11:46 > 1:11:47'He's a hero for our times.'
1:11:47 > 1:11:52'Somebody that we have to use as a way... This is how we go forward.'
1:11:52 > 1:11:53'We need to look at people like this
1:11:53 > 1:11:57'and say, "Yes, you're proud and I'm proud of what you are."'
1:11:57 > 1:11:59'"You might look a certain way..."'
1:11:59 > 1:12:01(SAME TV PROGRAMME ON)
1:12:03 > 1:12:06- Hey, guys.- Mahmud.
1:12:06 > 1:12:09- 'This is where we're being naive.' - (TV OFF)
1:12:09 > 1:12:14- How's it going?- Yeah, good. - Looking after yourself?
1:12:14 > 1:12:16All right.
1:12:18 > 1:12:20- Where's Wasif?- Um...
1:12:21 > 1:12:23Handed in his notice.
1:12:26 > 1:12:28Is there anyone else who can do his job?
1:12:29 > 1:12:32You need someone who really knows the roads.
1:12:34 > 1:12:36Right, well, I...
1:12:37 > 1:12:39I might just...
1:12:39 > 1:12:42work from home today, shall I?
1:12:42 > 1:12:44Yeah. Good idea.
1:12:44 > 1:12:46I'll go and make some calls.
1:12:47 > 1:12:49Some...
1:12:49 > 1:12:50This...
1:12:50 > 1:12:51Mahmud...
1:12:55 > 1:12:58Things will work out.
1:12:58 > 1:13:00Insha'Allah.
1:13:09 > 1:13:12- What are you doing? - I'm going to stay with Muna.
1:13:12 > 1:13:15- No, no. Just stay.- Let go.
1:13:17 > 1:13:20- How long are you staying? - I don't know.
1:13:21 > 1:13:24- Because I'm a Jew? - No, Mahmud, because you lied to me.
1:13:24 > 1:13:27Something you promised you would never do.
1:13:29 > 1:13:32- Daddy!- Hey, my baby girl.
1:13:32 > 1:13:33Hey.
1:13:33 > 1:13:35- Daddy?- Yes.- What is a Jew?
1:13:35 > 1:13:39You know that nasty man on The Apprentice with the beard?
1:13:39 > 1:13:40- (CAR HORN BEEPS) - Get in the car!
1:13:40 > 1:13:44Why did a naughty man put dog poo through our door because you are one?
1:13:44 > 1:13:47- (CAR HORN BEEPS) - Hurry up!
1:13:47 > 1:13:49Who did that?
1:13:49 > 1:13:52I'll kill him.
1:13:52 > 1:13:55- Fuckin' kill him.- Forget it. It doesn't matter what morons think.
1:13:55 > 1:13:57- (CAR HORN BEEPS) - Rashid, hurry up!
1:13:57 > 1:14:01- I loved her, Dad. I love her. - (CAR HORN BEEPS)
1:14:01 > 1:14:03- Rashid!- I know, son. I can explain.
1:14:03 > 1:14:06You don't understand. My dad, my real dad...
1:14:06 > 1:14:08To get to him, I've got to try and prove...
1:14:08 > 1:14:11Where's my dad? Where's my real dad?
1:14:15 > 1:14:17(CAR DRIVES AWAY)
1:14:30 > 1:14:31(SIGHS)
1:14:31 > 1:14:33Enough already!
1:15:15 > 1:15:18- Get away, man. - Have another kebab, you bastard.
1:15:20 > 1:15:22(SNIFFS)
1:15:30 > 1:15:33(HORN BEEPS)
1:15:33 > 1:15:35Fuck off!
1:15:45 > 1:15:48Come on, my friend. Here we go.
1:15:49 > 1:15:51There. Got ya.
1:15:51 > 1:15:54- Leytonstone, huh?- Golders Green.
1:15:54 > 1:15:56- Golders Green?- Yeah.- All right.
1:16:03 > 1:16:05- I want to see Izzy Shimshillewitz. - You can't.
1:16:05 > 1:16:09- Why not?- For one thing, it's not visiting hours.
1:16:09 > 1:16:11And for another...
1:16:21 > 1:16:23I've done it, OK? I've told the world.
1:16:24 > 1:16:27Whoo-hoo! I'm a fat old Jew.
1:16:27 > 1:16:29You've had your pound of flesh. Huh?
1:16:29 > 1:16:32Have I jumped through enough Jew hoops?
1:16:32 > 1:16:34Have I ruined my Muslim life enough for you?!
1:16:34 > 1:16:37You can't stop, not this prayer. He's not allowed to.
1:16:37 > 1:16:39It's a Jewish law.
1:16:39 > 1:16:45Oh, really? Then I can go in here whenever I fuckin' like, eh?
1:16:45 > 1:16:47Look, I'm in. I'm out. I'm in, I'm out!
1:16:47 > 1:16:49Mahmud...
1:16:49 > 1:16:52I'm really sorry. But it's a prayer for the dead.
1:16:54 > 1:16:58I am so sorry. He died a couple of hours ago.
1:16:58 > 1:17:01He got your letter, though, and the package.
1:17:03 > 1:17:05I didn't send anything.
1:17:05 > 1:17:08Perhaps you'd like to go and sit in his room for a bit.
1:17:08 > 1:17:12I know for some of our recently bereaved relatives, that can help.
1:17:13 > 1:17:15Thank you.
1:17:21 > 1:17:24- (THUMP) - Fuck!
1:17:24 > 1:17:26(CRASH)
1:17:33 > 1:17:35(MUSIC BOX TINKLES)
1:17:53 > 1:17:55(MUSIC BOX STOPS)
1:18:01 > 1:18:03(SIGHS)
1:18:10 > 1:18:14- (VIDEO CLICKS ON)- 'I'm Jewish!'
1:18:16 > 1:18:18'I was born a Jew.'
1:18:19 > 1:18:24'I was adopted...by Muslims.'
1:18:38 > 1:18:40(BIRD TWEETS)
1:19:06 > 1:19:08Mahmud, I'm sorry, man.
1:19:08 > 1:19:11If I wasn't such a schmuck to that rabbi, if I...
1:19:11 > 1:19:13Forget it.
1:19:13 > 1:19:15Besides...
1:19:17 > 1:19:19This gives you a big licence to schmuck.
1:19:23 > 1:19:25You could have used a different tape.
1:19:25 > 1:19:27I wanted him to get it into the VCR right away.
1:19:29 > 1:19:33- Did you wipe the porn off? - Fuck, no. I wanted him to die happy.
1:19:38 > 1:19:40Look what he wrote on it.
1:19:42 > 1:19:45He remembered it, then? Your name.
1:19:45 > 1:19:47Well, that's... That's something.
1:19:51 > 1:19:53(SIGHS)
1:19:53 > 1:19:55My life's still shite, though, innit?
1:19:57 > 1:20:00My family's left me, my work mates hate me.
1:20:00 > 1:20:04My son loves this girl that he can't marry cos I'm a big Jewish twat.
1:20:08 > 1:20:10Why can't they just get married anyway?
1:20:10 > 1:20:13Who cares what this Taliban moron says?
1:20:13 > 1:20:17Cos however modern Uzma is, however many Facebook friends she gets,
1:20:17 > 1:20:21however many Brazilians she... you know...
1:20:24 > 1:20:27..she would just never, ever shame her family.
1:20:29 > 1:20:31That's what it's like being a fuckin' Paki.
1:20:33 > 1:20:37- A minute ago you were a big Jewish twat.- I know, I know.
1:20:37 > 1:20:39(TRADITIONAL JEWISH SONG)
1:21:40 > 1:21:44'Tonight on a Channel 100 special, we ask the question,
1:21:44 > 1:21:47'Islamic clerics, such as Arshad Al-Masri,
1:21:47 > 1:21:49'are they working for the good of their community
1:21:49 > 1:21:52'or are they dangerous fanatics
1:21:52 > 1:21:54'driven by a desire to destroy our way our life?'
1:22:08 > 1:22:10Hey.
1:22:11 > 1:22:13So... What are you doing?
1:22:15 > 1:22:18I'm running.
1:22:18 > 1:22:20You, er... You going to Al-Masri's lecture?
1:22:23 > 1:22:25Isn't Uzma going to be there?
1:22:29 > 1:22:32Do you know how she's doing?
1:22:32 > 1:22:36Well, she's obviously really happy that because her mum
1:22:36 > 1:22:39is now too frightened to leave Mohammed Al-fuckin'-Stalin,
1:22:39 > 1:22:41she will have to go with them to Wazaristan
1:22:41 > 1:22:45where the women of her age legally have to wear a muzzle
1:22:45 > 1:22:47if they've still got a clitoris.
1:22:52 > 1:22:55OK, listen. I'm going to this event, OK?
1:22:55 > 1:22:57I'm going to stand up, I'm going to take Arshad on.
1:22:57 > 1:23:00- What?- Yeah. I've done some reading.
1:23:00 > 1:23:03I've read the Quran, the Old Testament...
1:23:03 > 1:23:06Are you mental? He knows this stuff backwards.
1:23:06 > 1:23:08Do you want to make a complete twat of yourself
1:23:08 > 1:23:11in front of the whole community again?
1:23:12 > 1:23:15Yeah, but, son, it's not exactly the whole community, is it?
1:23:15 > 1:23:18Oh, it is. Since your little moment on TV
1:23:18 > 1:23:22it's not just the Wahhabi nutters who want to see Arshad, no.
1:23:22 > 1:23:25- Everyone is interested.- Oh.
1:23:25 > 1:23:28Dad, please, open your eyes.
1:23:30 > 1:23:32Son, son...
1:23:36 > 1:23:38(SIGHS)
1:23:41 > 1:23:43(WIND RISES)
1:23:45 > 1:23:47My eyes.
1:24:11 > 1:24:14It'll be starting about now, the lecture.
1:24:14 > 1:24:16Mum, forget it.
1:24:16 > 1:24:19- You know, Muna's gone. - Well, that's up to her.
1:24:19 > 1:24:21- But, Rashid...- Mum, we're not going.
1:24:21 > 1:24:23Remember what he's done?
1:24:23 > 1:24:26"Look not what the man has done but what he hopes to do."
1:24:29 > 1:24:32- Who taught you that, Nabi? - Daddy.
1:24:36 > 1:24:38(ARSHAD) That means refusing, speaking out against,
1:24:38 > 1:24:42even tearing down those aspects of Western culture
1:24:42 > 1:24:49which disgust and dismay the true believer, so be it.
1:24:49 > 1:24:51(APPLAUSE)
1:24:59 > 1:25:03Thank you. Thank you very much, my brothers and sisters, of course.
1:25:03 > 1:25:05Now, any questions?
1:25:06 > 1:25:08Yes?
1:25:08 > 1:25:13Brother Arshad, how can we support your cause?
1:25:13 > 1:25:17Well, by listening and acting on my words.
1:25:17 > 1:25:20But also, if you wish, there are donations that can be made.
1:25:20 > 1:25:22Details are available at the door.
1:25:23 > 1:25:25Yes, brother?
1:25:25 > 1:25:31Tell us also, brother, how come you are so remarkably good...
1:25:31 > 1:25:34- I'm gonna go.- Wait, wait. - ..at explaining Allah's true...
1:25:34 > 1:25:36- Have you seen Uzma?- Look up there.
1:25:36 > 1:25:40Very kind of you to say, brother. I have the advantage of coming from
1:25:40 > 1:25:44a long and eminent line of great Islamic preachers,
1:25:44 > 1:25:48but who knows if I do them justice?
1:25:51 > 1:25:56Thank you very much. So if there are no further questions...
1:25:57 > 1:25:59Yes, holy sister?
1:25:59 > 1:26:01(HIGH-PITCHED) Question for brother Arshad.
1:26:01 > 1:26:04Is it possible that you being such a fantastic speaker,
1:26:04 > 1:26:08there's something you've forgotten? Which is...
1:26:08 > 1:26:10(CROWD MUTTERS)
1:26:14 > 1:26:16(UPROAR)
1:26:21 > 1:26:24(MUNA) You've stretched it now, you big knobhead.
1:26:24 > 1:26:26Let me ask you this.
1:26:26 > 1:26:29Why won't you let my son marry your stepdaughter?
1:26:29 > 1:26:32Well, well, if it isn't "Mahmud Nasir".
1:26:32 > 1:26:34- (LAUGHTER) - Answer the question.
1:26:34 > 1:26:35What is he doing?
1:26:35 > 1:26:39The Holy Quran, Al-Baqarah, Ayah 221.
1:26:39 > 1:26:41"Do not marry your girls to unbelievers."
1:26:41 > 1:26:43(APPLAUSE)
1:26:45 > 1:26:46"Until they believe."
1:26:46 > 1:26:50- I beg your pardon? - That's how the ayah continues.
1:26:50 > 1:26:53An Islamic woman can marry any man who believes in Allah.
1:26:53 > 1:26:56And my son believes in Allah.
1:26:56 > 1:26:59And how can I believe in the son when I cannot believe in father?
1:26:59 > 1:27:02Hm? Oh... (CROWD MUTTERS)
1:27:02 > 1:27:06- Welcome. - No, no. Don't get up on the stage.
1:27:06 > 1:27:07(LAUGHS)
1:27:09 > 1:27:11A bit harder. (LAUGHS)
1:27:18 > 1:27:20And what are you today, brother?
1:27:20 > 1:27:23Buddhist? Bahai? Lesbian?
1:27:23 > 1:27:25(MUTTERING / MUTED LAUGHTER)
1:27:25 > 1:27:27I am a Muslim.
1:27:27 > 1:27:30La illaha il Allah, Muhammadur Rasul Allah...
1:27:30 > 1:27:34Well, well, well. Saying our holy words.
1:27:34 > 1:27:40At-Taghaabun, Ayah 73. "Strive hard against the unbelievers."
1:27:42 > 1:27:46I believe my Shahadah. Because it is my Lord's Prayer.
1:27:47 > 1:27:51You know what I learnt recently? The Jews have their own Lord's Prayer.
1:27:51 > 1:27:54You know what it's called? The Shema.
1:27:54 > 1:27:55What is he talking about?
1:27:55 > 1:27:58Do you know what Moses called God in the original Hebrew?
1:27:58 > 1:28:00Elah.
1:28:00 > 1:28:02Allah, Elah.
1:28:02 > 1:28:04Because it's the same God.
1:28:04 > 1:28:06Very, very good, Mahmud.
1:28:06 > 1:28:09You have learnt some of the Quran by heart. (CHUCKLES)
1:28:09 > 1:28:11Mazel tov. (LAUGHTER)
1:28:11 > 1:28:13So maybe you tell us, Mahmud,
1:28:13 > 1:28:19before all this delicate business about your parentage happened,
1:28:19 > 1:28:22how often did you go to the mosque?
1:28:22 > 1:28:24Five times a day, I'll assume. Surely.
1:28:26 > 1:28:28- Well...- No?
1:28:28 > 1:28:30Oh, dear. (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
1:28:30 > 1:28:33Devotion at home, then.
1:28:33 > 1:28:35I'll bet if you got your prayer mat out now,
1:28:35 > 1:28:39- it would have two big holes in it from so much kneeling.- Yeah.
1:28:39 > 1:28:42(LAUGHTER) Not that either?
1:28:43 > 1:28:47At least, I assume you kept yourself free of all pollution.
1:28:47 > 1:28:50You're able to admit, aren't you,
1:28:50 > 1:28:55with your hand on the Holy Quran...
1:28:55 > 1:28:58that alcohol has never passed your lips?
1:29:05 > 1:29:07Hm.
1:29:07 > 1:29:10OK, OK, my son.
1:29:10 > 1:29:13I think you'd better step down now.
1:29:13 > 1:29:15- Yeah.- Yes.
1:29:18 > 1:29:20You can also add to that list.
1:29:23 > 1:29:25I've lied...
1:29:27 > 1:29:29..to the people I love the most.
1:29:29 > 1:29:32I've been a poor father.
1:29:32 > 1:29:35In trying so hard to find myself, I forgot myself.
1:29:37 > 1:29:39I forgot who I am.
1:29:41 > 1:29:43As a husband and a father.
1:29:45 > 1:29:50And yes, I have not been the Muslim I should have been.
1:29:51 > 1:29:53But who here has?
1:29:53 > 1:29:58Who here has? Except for Arshad Al-Masri?
1:29:59 > 1:30:03And what is your name, Solly?
1:30:06 > 1:30:10My name is Mahmud Nasir.
1:30:11 > 1:30:16And for once, yes, for a very short period, it was Solly Shimshillewitz.
1:30:16 > 1:30:18And of that I am no longer ashamed.
1:30:20 > 1:30:23A good man, a good Muslim,
1:30:23 > 1:30:27should not just never lie about who he is,
1:30:27 > 1:30:30he should also never lie about who he was.
1:30:30 > 1:30:36Oh, and, by the way, Arshad. "Strive hard against the unbelievers."
1:30:36 > 1:30:39It's At-Taubah, Ayah 73.
1:30:39 > 1:30:41(AUDIENCE MUTTERS)
1:30:43 > 1:30:45Here's a thing about our clerics.
1:30:45 > 1:30:48Some of them really do teach us about the Holy Quran,
1:30:48 > 1:30:49and that's fantastic.
1:30:49 > 1:30:50Some of them are out there,
1:30:50 > 1:30:54protecting our oppressed brothers and sisters.
1:30:54 > 1:30:56And some of them...
1:30:56 > 1:31:01are beardy-weirdy fuckers who make shit up!
1:31:03 > 1:31:05(MUTTERS OF AGREEMENT)
1:31:08 > 1:31:11Now listen, Jew.
1:31:11 > 1:31:15I don't care about all your stupid arguments.
1:31:15 > 1:31:18Get off of my stage! (AUDIENCE MUTTERS)
1:31:18 > 1:31:21Your son will never marry my stepdaughter!
1:31:21 > 1:31:24- Oh, what's that?- What?
1:31:24 > 1:31:26What's that in your eye? That spasm?
1:31:26 > 1:31:28It's brought on by anger, isn't it?
1:31:28 > 1:31:32It's called a blepharospasm. Very rare. Yeah.
1:31:32 > 1:31:37- Tell you what, why don't you just... close your eyes?- (CLICKS FINGERS)
1:31:39 > 1:31:42("CLOSE YOUR EYES" MUSIC BOOMS OUT / AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
1:31:53 > 1:31:571962, in Manchester, a baby boy was born.
1:31:57 > 1:32:02His name was Jimmy Manasseh, later to be known as...
1:32:02 > 1:32:04Gary Page, my favourite pop star.
1:32:05 > 1:32:08Yeah, Gary made one good album
1:32:08 > 1:32:10and a lot of shit ones.
1:32:10 > 1:32:13This one in particular - really shit.
1:32:13 > 1:32:15Gary... Oh, fuck it.
1:32:15 > 1:32:20- Gary "died" about ten years ago. - (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
1:32:20 > 1:32:23At that time he was trying to avoid a few tax issues
1:32:23 > 1:32:27and non-payment of child support for five kids from five different women.
1:32:27 > 1:32:30'Stop, stop, stop! Stop, you fuckin' idiots.'
1:32:30 > 1:32:36'Fuck off, you fuckin' Paki!' (AUDIENCE GASPS)
1:32:37 > 1:32:39Now in his left eye the blepharospasm.
1:32:55 > 1:32:57(NORTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT) Well done.
1:32:58 > 1:33:00(DOOR SHUTS)
1:33:04 > 1:33:06By the way, not that it matters,...
1:33:06 > 1:33:09..just so you know, Mr and Mrs Manasseh -
1:33:09 > 1:33:11Scientologists.
1:33:11 > 1:33:13(LAUGHTER)
1:33:17 > 1:33:20(GARY PAGE) # Cos you said so
1:33:20 > 1:33:22# You told me
1:33:22 > 1:33:25# And let me tell you you said so... #
1:33:25 > 1:33:27Come here, you clever hairy bear.
1:33:27 > 1:33:30That's my dad. Yeah, that's my dad.
1:33:30 > 1:33:32That was class. How did you know?
1:33:32 > 1:33:35When he came round and sung that song.
1:33:35 > 1:33:37I'd know that tone anywhere.
1:33:37 > 1:33:40But it wasn't until you told me to open my eyes... So thanks, son.
1:33:43 > 1:33:44Hey!
1:33:49 > 1:33:51# You said so, you said so
1:33:51 > 1:33:54# You said so... #
1:33:55 > 1:33:57Liverpool Street?
1:33:59 > 1:34:00Liverpool Street? Anyone?
1:34:02 > 1:34:04Liverpool Street?
1:34:04 > 1:34:07Liverpool fuckin' motherfucking Street Station, anyone!
1:34:07 > 1:34:10- For fuck's sake! - 'Lenny! I'm POB here!'
1:34:10 > 1:34:14- (POSH WOMAN) "I'll never use this company again!"- Right. Sorry.
1:34:14 > 1:34:16(PHONE RINGS)
1:34:16 > 1:34:17Yeah?
1:34:17 > 1:34:21- 'I'd like a car to Leytonstone, please.'- Mahmud? Where are you?
1:34:21 > 1:34:24You give me this job and then you don't show up, you schmuck.
1:34:24 > 1:34:29'In fact, I'd like three cars, like you're supposed to have sorted.'
1:34:29 > 1:34:32It's today, Lenny. Today!
1:34:32 > 1:34:34'You schmucking twat.'
1:34:38 > 1:34:40(MUSIC)
1:34:42 > 1:34:43(CAMERA CLICKS)
1:35:24 > 1:35:26(ALL CHEER)
1:35:41 > 1:35:44- Daddy!- Mahmud, Mahmud.
1:35:44 > 1:35:47My God, somebody come and help. What did you do?
1:35:47 > 1:35:49(COMMOTION)
1:35:55 > 1:35:57Hey.
1:35:57 > 1:35:59Muslim enough for you?
1:36:00 > 1:36:02Actually wasn't that bad, you know.
1:36:02 > 1:36:04I quite enjoyed it, being a Jew.
1:36:06 > 1:36:08- What was that? - What was what?
1:36:08 > 1:36:10- What was that? - What?
1:36:10 > 1:36:15You did... You did a big gesture, a big-nose gesture when you said Jew.
1:36:15 > 1:36:17- I did not.- You did too.
1:36:17 > 1:36:19No. I was just doing a...
1:36:19 > 1:36:22It was a friendly wave.
1:36:22 > 1:36:24Who were you waving at?
1:36:24 > 1:36:26- What?- Who were you waving at?
1:36:26 > 1:36:28I was waving at you. Hey!
1:36:28 > 1:36:30You see, you haven't learnt a thing.
1:36:30 > 1:36:35You did the big-nose mime, the schnozzle mime, that's what you did.
1:36:35 > 1:36:38It's all anti-Semitism with Jews, you know that?
1:36:38 > 1:36:41I ask you to move your cab, it's anti-Semitic.
1:36:41 > 1:36:45I wave, I'm Hitler. I invite you to my son's wedding, what do you do?
1:36:45 > 1:36:48If you're going to be anti-Semitic stop sounding so Jewish.
1:36:48 > 1:36:52- Ha! There you go again! There you go again.- What?
1:36:52 > 1:36:54You... What is it with you people?
1:36:54 > 1:36:57You are you people. That's why you have a big nose.
1:36:57 > 1:37:00No, there's nature and there's nurture.
1:37:00 > 1:37:03This nose is big but it was made in Pakistan. It's not Jewish.
1:37:03 > 1:37:06Yeah, that's right. It was made in Pakistan.
1:37:06 > 1:37:09It's not Jewish cos it has no suffering to be a Jewish nose.
1:37:09 > 1:37:11You're actually very racist, you know?
1:37:11 > 1:37:14I'm not racist. I'm saying that my nose is a real Jewish nose.
1:37:14 > 1:37:17You've just got papers that say you're Jewish.
1:37:17 > 1:37:20- Who knows if you're Izzy's son?- The smaller nose is all I care about.
1:37:20 > 1:37:24Let me tell you something. Your cockney accent is shite.
1:37:24 > 1:37:25# Yes, I gotta have faith
1:37:25 > 1:37:28# Mmm, I gotta have faith
1:37:28 > 1:37:31# Cos I gotta have faith, faith
1:37:31 > 1:37:34# I gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith
1:37:34 > 1:37:38# Baby, I know you're asking me to stay
1:37:38 > 1:37:40# Say please, please, please don't go away
1:37:40 > 1:37:42# You say I'm giving you the blues
1:37:42 > 1:37:45# Maybe
1:37:45 > 1:37:47# You mean every word you say
1:37:47 > 1:37:50# Can't help but think of yesterday
1:37:50 > 1:37:53# And another who tied me down to loverboy rules
1:37:53 > 1:37:58# Before this river becomes an ocean
1:37:58 > 1:38:01# Before you throw my heart back on the floor
1:38:01 > 1:38:04# Oh, oh, baby, I reconsider
1:38:04 > 1:38:07# My foolish notion
1:38:07 > 1:38:09# Well, I need someone to hold me
1:38:09 > 1:38:12# But I'll wait for something more
1:38:12 > 1:38:13# Yes, I've gotta have faith
1:38:13 > 1:38:16# Mmm, I gotta have faith
1:38:16 > 1:38:18# Because I gotta have faith, faith, faith
1:38:18 > 1:38:21# I gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith. #