0:02:53 > 0:02:54DOORBELL RINGS
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Mr Potter? - Come in, you're late.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I'm sorry.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07The, erm, the train.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15Punctuality is the politeness of princes, Mr Potter always says.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Mr Potter is just starting his beginning-of-term speech.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22You'll have to wait.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34..with which sentiment I'm sure you will agree.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36You all know that in the beginning,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38there were Adam and Eve.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41You'll remember that Adam bit into that apple,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44at which moment the first loser was born.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Yes, the pattern was set, and the world divided,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54not into male and female. Oh, no, no, no.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58That's just a mere superficial division of minor importance.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01No, gentlemen, there is another division,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04another dichotomy,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07more basic, more profound. At that fateful moment,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10the world was divided into winners...
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and losers.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Top men...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15and underdogs.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18In a word, the one-up...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21and the one-down.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I can see the question in your hungry eyes.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30You want to know, what IS lifemanship?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Well, gentlemen,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35lifemanship is the science of being one up on your opponents
0:04:35 > 0:04:37at all times.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40It is the art of making him feel that somewhere, somehow,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43he has become less than you -
0:04:43 > 0:04:45less desirable, less worthy...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49..less blessed.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Who then, you ask, are your opponents?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Everybody, in a word, who is not you.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00And the purpose of your life must be to be one up on them,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02because, and mark this well,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05he who is not one up...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07is one down.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09KNOCK ON DOOR
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Come in!
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Potter?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Yes.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21They sometimes call me Mr Potter, but...
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I beg your pardon.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm Mr Henry Palfrey.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Ah! Sit down, Palfrey.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Well? Tell me all about yourself, Palfrey.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, it's like this, Mr Potter...
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Have a cigarette, Palfrey.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Thank you, Potter.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50You don't mind my cigar, do you, Mr Palfrey?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Not at all, Mr Potter.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Thank you, Henry. Ha-ha!
0:05:56 > 0:05:57My round, I think.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58What do you mean?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Never mind, we'll talk about that later.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Now tell me, what first prompted you to enrol in the college?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Well...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09frankly, Mr Potter,
0:06:09 > 0:06:10I'm a failure.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12No.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18You'll have some tea with me, won't you, Palfrey?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Thank you very much. - So, you want to be a success.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Well, I think we can help you.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26But first, I like to have a clear picture of the background
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- of every student. You're in love, of course.- How did you know?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Thank you, Alice. Have a muffin, Palfrey.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Thank you.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Blonde? - Erm...no, with lemon.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40The young lady... is she a blonde?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, I see!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Er, well, not quite.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48That could be serious.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Now, let's begin at the beginning.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55How did you first meet this not-quite-blonde young lady?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Well, it happened on Tuesday.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Or was it Wednesday?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Yes, Wedn... No, it wasn't, it was Tuesday.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I was on my way to the office in the morning as usual.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Oh!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh! Oh!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Of all the stupid, awkward...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Clumsy?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23..clumsy idiots. Ugh!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I say, I'm most terribly sorry.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Sorry? Is that all you've got to say
0:07:31 > 0:07:33when you knocked me down like a wild...
0:07:33 > 0:07:34- Uncivilised? - ..uncivilised...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Savage? - Sava...
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- No, not really. - Oh, but I am.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Yes, I am permanently uncivilised, I'm...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Oh!- What's the matter?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- My beautiful new stocking's ruined.- Oh!- I'll probably sue you.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, I do wish you would. I'm fully insured, you know.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Personal, property, accident, medical, all that sort of thing. Just take your pick.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59No, thank you, but it's very nice of you to offer.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Look, give me those, I'm going to be late for work. - Under no circumstances.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03You're probably shaken or bruised.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- The least I can do is to carry them for you.- But then you'll be late for work.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- Work? Oh, work! That old thing! - Well, you do work, don't you?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Well, of course, I do, but they can do without me for a while.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- I'm a...well, I'm an executive.- Oh!
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- So, the later the better, really. - Yes, yes, of course.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I say, are you sure you don't want to sue me?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- Absolutely positive.- Yes, well, erm... what about the stockings?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I'll let you into a secret. They weren't new, anyway.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Well, perhaps they had some sentimental value?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Not really enough to sue for.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Pity, really.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36SHE CHUCKLES
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Do you always come this way to work?- Yes, yes, I do.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Someone's coming.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49OK, it's only the boss.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Good morning!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56CRICKET COMMENTARY ON RADIO
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- What's the score? - Shhh, I can't hear.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Sorry.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Miss Stevens! Miss Wilson! Appleby!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Yes, if times were normal,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15you'd all take a week's notice, but as times are regrettably abnormal,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I shall have to content myself with a severe reprimand
0:09:18 > 0:09:20on my return from Mr Henry's office.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Meanwhile, back to your desks.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Good morning, sir.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Ah, the very man I wanted to see.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Would you book a table for me at the Camellia Room
0:09:33 > 0:09:36for tonight for two, for nine o'clock?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38The Camellia Room, sir?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I'm taking someone to dinner.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Taking or being taken, sir?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Taking.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Your late uncle always used to say that the best place
0:09:48 > 0:09:51for taking was the Hampshire Buttery, sir.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53A very satisfying meal for seven and sixpence.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Here is the morning's business, sir,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59which I had ready on your desk at nine o'clock,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02but removed to a place of safety pending your arrival.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Thank you, Gloatbridge.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Are there any decisions, or are they just signatures?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I think we decided that it should be just signatures, sir,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12since you inadvertently...
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Yes.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You will remember, I feel sure, sir, just why we decided
0:10:16 > 0:10:19it should be just signatures and not decisions.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Of course.- Yes.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Perhaps these painful memories are best forgotten, sir.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26PHONE RINGS
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Hello?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yes, speaking.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Douglas, old man!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35What?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Tell me, what time is the match on Saturday?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Hmm?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I'm not playing?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I must say I'm a little surprised, yes.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Well, who's in?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Walter?
0:10:54 > 0:10:59But good gracious me, I can beat Walter any day of the week.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It was 6-2, 6-3 last time.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Hmm?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Well, listen, Douglas,
0:11:05 > 0:11:09you know I've got absolutely nothing against Walter,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12in fact, he is, well, he is one of my best friends,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15but it's just that I've been looking forward to the game.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I've made all my arrangements. Yes, Douglas.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Yes, I appreciate that, but...
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Yes, Douglas.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes, of course.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Goodbye.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Oh, Douglas!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33My regards to Walter.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Your morning newspaper, sir.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Hmm? Oh, yes.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45And just to start you off, sir,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48number 23 across is castles in Spain.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Oh, erm...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53you won't forget that booking, Gloatbridge?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56The Hampshire Buttery, for two, at nine.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59The Camellia Room, for two, at nine.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Very well, sir.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04And number 13 down is Cleopatra's Needle.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Good evening, madam.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Good evening, sir.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Good evening, sir. - Good evening.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Madam.- Good evening.- May I take your coat?- Thank you.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Good evening.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- There we are. Shall we go in? - Oh, yes.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:12:38 > 0:12:39HE CLAPS
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Yes?- Palfrey.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Yes?- Table for two.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I'm sorry, no table is free.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Good evening, milady. - Good evening.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Number 27.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- I thought you said you'd booked.- Yes, I did.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Erm, excuse me, I booked.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- Oh? - Erm, Palfrey. Henry Palfrey.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13- Well, there's no-one here of that name.- Palfrey.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15P-A-L-F-R-E-Y.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19My chief clerk booked it for me.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21May I see that list?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23If you please, sir.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27He must've have booked at another restaurant.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- Maybe if you gave him something. - Yes, of course.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Erm...
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Do you think, perhaps, you... might have another look?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- And what did you say the name was, sir?- Palfrey.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57We have a Mr Poultry, here, sir, table for two at nine o'clock.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00That's me, Mr Poultry. Ha-ha! nine o'clock, Henry Poultry.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Unfortunately, sir, it's now 9.15,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05and tables aren't held beyond the booked time.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08If you'd care to wait, I'll see what I can do for you.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Of course.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13But look!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15There's a table over there.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17How discerning you are, madam.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21But you see, it's that gentleman's table.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Hail, good innkeeper!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Hello, Sam. - Thank you, sir.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Rose.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Good evening, Mr Delauney. - Evening, Skinner. Hello, Ray!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Oh, hello, er...
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Palfrey.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Hello, hello, hello.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Where did you find this lovely creature?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh, we met quite by accident, as a matter of fact.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I was trying to catch a bus and April was...
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Well, do the decent thing, old chap. Fellow club members and that sort of thing.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Yes, of course. Mr Raymond Delauney, Miss April Smith.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59What a romantic name.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"Oh, to be in England now that April's here."
0:15:02 > 0:15:04How do you do?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06How do you do?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09You two chaps finished dinner already?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11We haven't even started. We can't get a table.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Oh, fiddle-de-diddle.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Skinner, my guests. - Certainly, sir.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Now, tell me, you lovely creature...
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Oh, Palfrey, look after Skinner, there's a chap.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Thank you, Mr Delauney.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Oh!- I'm so sorry, I beg your pardon.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Sir.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Oh, later, later. We'll order the wine first.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I always feel that the food should be chosen
0:16:00 > 0:16:04to suit the wine, rather than the other way, don't you?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Here you are. - Thank you very much.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Erm...number 93 looks...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21That little vineyard in the Loire Valley,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- across the road from Pouilly. - Carcajanette?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- That's it. - The '49, of course.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Well, if all the '47 is gone. - Very good, sir.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Merci.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Number 93 looked pretty good to me.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Really?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Carcajanette isn't expensive - it's an honest little wine,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44especially if it's allowed to breathe for a while,
0:16:44 > 0:16:48unless, of course, the grapes have had too much of the
0:16:48 > 0:16:53Dordogne wind, in which case they have a tendency to sulk.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- I think you'll like it. - I'm sure I will.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58And now for the fodder.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Monsieur.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Monsieur. - Ah, splendid.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Shall I order for all of us? - Oh, yes, please do.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Thank you, but I'd like to see what there is.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Waiter!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18What is tortue Nicoise?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Fried turtle.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24The brain of the calf.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26The liver of the chicken.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29The legs of the frog.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32The hoof of the mountain goat in jelly.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Tomatoes.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Perhaps you HAD better order for all of us.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Thank you.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Waiter.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Tell the chef Mr Delauney would like to see him.- Oui, monsieur.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I simply gritted my teeth to hide the excruciating pain,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51and played the next three sets on strategy,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53determination, and one leg.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55How wonderful.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Isn't that wonderful, Henry?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Mm, wonderful.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I play a fair game of tennis myself, you know.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Oh, do you...? - Oh, yes, I remember once...
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Oh, yes, he does. Very fair game.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09As a matter of fact, you can see it for yourself.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Palfrey, why don't you invite our little lady
0:18:12 > 0:18:14to see you play for the club on Saturday?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Could I?- Erm...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Well, the fact is they seem to have decided...
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Oh, yes, I did hear something about that.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Hard cheese, old boy.- They say Walter has improved enormously.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Still, there's no reason why our little lady shouldn't see you play. Why don't you and I have a go?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I'm not playing for the club either...the old leg, you know.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Well, if your leg's still troubling you...
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Oh, no, it's really quite all right for a friendly game.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40We mustn't let a minor thing like that deprive April
0:18:40 > 0:18:43of the pleasure of seeing you play, must we?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Just don't tell Sir Humphrey.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47My doctor.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Three o'clock?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51And you must both consider yourselves
0:18:51 > 0:18:53to be my guests afterwards.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Your guests? - Oh, I insist.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59It's only fair seeing that I've been your guest this evening.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03We'll wait for you in the lobby.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Sorry.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35My gloves, please.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Thank you.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Yes, erm...
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Yes, well, er... thank you very much.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Good night.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Taxi, sir?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Erm, no, no, erm...no, thanks.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59I thought you might like to take a little stroll. Ha-ha.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- So nice out tonight. - Yes, of course.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06I'd like to offer you both a lift, but I've only a two-seater.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09That's the most wonderful car I ever saw!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10The new Bellini 3.6.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I could offer one of you a lift.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16No, thanks. We'll walk.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Pity - nice night for a drive,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21wind through the hair, all that sort of thing.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Yes, well, good night, Delauney.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Good night, Mr Delauney.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27It's been so nice meeting you.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31The Earth shook tonight.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39You know, I've often thought of buying a car, but...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Well, then I think,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43silly, really.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Buses and undergrounds and...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47taxis, erm...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Buses and things.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Yes, I suppose it would be a bit silly, really.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- CAR HORN WHISTLES - I say!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I've just had a brilliant idea.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Why don't I pick up our young lady and drive her to the club tomorrow?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Save her the bus fare.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03That won't be necessary.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- You're in the book?- Uh-huh. - 2:30?- Delauney!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Don't mention it, old chap, any time. Splendid!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12ENGINE REVS, CAR HORN WOLF-WHISTLES
0:22:04 > 0:22:07She takes the eye, doesn't she?
0:22:07 > 0:22:08She certainly does.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- May I try the horn? - Certainly.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Dudley, gentleman would like to try the horn.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17The horn? Oh, yes, certainly, sir.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20HORN BLASTS
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Yeah, it should give them a fair warning.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Ha-ha-ha!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25HORN BLASTS
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Beautiful tone, mellow, more mellow than anything.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31HORN SQUEAKS
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I've got a temporary flex in there.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36It's not really wired for excessive use.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Oh, yes, one of the old-type exhaustible horn,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41runs on the helical friction principle.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43- Oh, what's that? - Too complicated to explain.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I mean, either you know, or you don't.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50- Is she fast?- Is she fast? Timed around Silverstone, 112.73 miles per hour,
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- and yours truly at the wheel. - And I drove her from Doncaster to Newport, Monmouthshire,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58in 2 hours 17 minutes. That's an average of over 70 per.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Oh, but that's impossible.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Not with the four-litre Swiftmobile - twin OHC, you know.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06The pioneers of hemispherical combustion chambers, these people.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Well, name me one manufacturer what brought it out previous.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Oh, well, I don't really know. What year is she?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18With this sort of car, age is really of no account.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Between you and me, she's a little late for my taste.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24If I didn't know the car, I'd have my doubts.
0:23:24 > 0:23:261922 was a really big year.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Erm, how about spares?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30HE LAUGHS
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Spares? You never need them, my man.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Well, is the company still in existence?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37They went out of business because they were too good.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39You'd never find this kind of quality
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- in a company that survived the Depression.- Never.- Never!
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Well, I was toying with the idea of buying a new Bellini.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Can't get them into the country, old boy. The Bellini's a good motor
0:23:49 > 0:23:51if you have Bellini mechanics around,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- but is it worth the hard cash you have to lay out?- No!
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Now, with the old Swiftmobile, she may lose a few inches in sheer getaway,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00but open her up on the Great West Road
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and you have that lovely soothing roar that will...
0:24:03 > 0:24:07How can I call it? ..that swish of wind, that beautiful gentle yell
0:24:07 > 0:24:10of the old type of high-point bevel transmission.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12When you drive her, you know she's there.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I mean, take that gearbox.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17You get the coarse rasp as you change down,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20and then the familiar deep-throated grind as you move away.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24And a real wonder, the brake snatch adjusted really hard...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Not hard, Dunstan, solid.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28A really solid drive.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32What are you asking for her?
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Dirt cheap, a sacrifice, sir. - Can't be repeated.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38The property of a Maharaja.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41The, er, Maharaja of... Fawzigadore,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43nephew of the cricketer.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Erm, what are you asking for her?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47We had new wheels made to fit all the tyres.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Look at the stuff that's gone into that, sheer metal.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Yes, but what are you asking for her?- Well, we're just getting down to that.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58- Actually, we're selling at a loss. - We spent 750 nicker on her. - Pounds, Dudley.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Pounds.- Oh, but that means... - Not necessarily.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04We like our cars going to good homes, like dogs.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09So we're prepared to sell at the ridiculous figure of £725.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Oh, I couldn't possibly.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- 715, making £715. - I'm sorry.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Ah, you're weakening, you've fallen in love with her,
0:25:17 > 0:25:22- like we did at the start, remember?- Remember? Oh-ho-ho-ho.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24700.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Well...- 695 guineas, and that's the rock bottom.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- All right.- Done.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- Start the car up for the gentleman, Dunstan.- Yep.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Make the cheque out to bearer, if you don't mind.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50And please don't cross it, sir, it confuses our books.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11ENGINE CHUGGS
0:26:14 > 0:26:15CAR BACKFIRES
0:26:15 > 0:26:16May 21st.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Hmm? Oh, yes.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26OPERA PLAYS ON RADIO
0:26:34 > 0:26:36There we are.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Thank you very much. - Thank you, sir.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- Well, she's all yours. - Here's the logbook.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Hop in.- Oh, thank you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Now, there's one point to remember.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Don't hang on to the gear lever after you've changed.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00She's liable to kick back.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Don't worry about your exhaust fumes, it's quite normal. HE COUGHS
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And when you apply the foot brake,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08it is advisable to apply the handbrake as well.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And the floorboards work on the pivot principle.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- It's liable to give you a start when you're not used to it.- Oh!
0:27:12 > 0:27:17Well, thank you both very much indeed.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18GEARBOX GRINDS
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- Bon voyage! - See you again!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32GEARBOX GRINDS
0:27:47 > 0:27:49CAR BACKFIRES
0:27:54 > 0:27:55CAR BACKFIRES
0:28:04 > 0:28:06GURGLING
0:28:10 > 0:28:12ENGINE SQUEAKS AND BANGS
0:28:17 > 0:28:19ENGINE KEEPS RUNNING
0:28:38 > 0:28:39HE COUGHS
0:28:45 > 0:28:47ENGINE STOPS
0:29:01 > 0:29:04GURGLING AND BANGING RESUMES
0:29:09 > 0:29:13- I say, I'm frightfully sorry I'm late, April.- Oh, that's all right.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15It's very pleasant sitting out here in the sun.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16That's all settled. Shall we play?
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Erm, yes, of course.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Could I drive you home after the game, April?
0:29:23 > 0:29:25- Drive? - I have a surprise for you.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27- You haven't bought a car?- Mm.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30- Get a move on. - Er, yes, of course.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34- Erm, would you care to come down with us?- Mm-hm.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Thank you.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50- Call.- Rough.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Smooth.
0:29:52 > 0:29:53I'll take this end.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56No need to change, is there?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58All right.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59My serve, then.
0:30:00 > 0:30:05- I'm afraid I am a bit out of practice.- So am I.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Would you like 15 start or shall we play level?
0:30:08 > 0:30:09Level!
0:30:11 > 0:30:14- Good luck. - Ah, no partisanship, little lady.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Wish Palfrey good luck, too.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Aren't you standing rather close to the net?
0:30:18 > 0:30:22- No, it's my game. I move back for the second.- All right.
0:30:35 > 0:30:36Hard cheese!
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Aren't you going to move back a bit?
0:30:41 > 0:30:43No, I've changed my mind.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Hard cheese! 0-15.
0:30:58 > 0:30:59Hard cheese!
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Out, but I'll take it.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11- Hard cheese! - Good shot.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13- What is it?- 0-30.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Didn't deserve it. Rotten stroke.
0:31:18 > 0:31:19Hard cheese!
0:31:22 > 0:31:24- Oh.- Hard cheese!
0:31:24 > 0:31:270-40.
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Service.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Ready.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Out! Hard cheese!
0:31:37 > 0:31:38Oh!
0:31:38 > 0:31:40So sorry.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44Oh, I say, smashing cricket stroke.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Well, that's... 1-0.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50- Sure you wouldn't like that handicap?- No!
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- Were you ready? - Not really.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- Ready now? - Right.
0:32:10 > 0:32:11Good shot, Henry.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Thank you, April. Oh! Oh!
0:32:35 > 0:32:36Hard cheese!
0:32:41 > 0:32:4315-0.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49- Ready? - Right!
0:32:53 > 0:32:55WERE you ready?
0:32:56 > 0:32:59- Did you say yes?- Yes!
0:32:59 > 0:33:0130-0.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Pretty spin you put on them.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05No, not really. Court's a bit uneven.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22- Oh!- My game. And set.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Sorry to keep you waiting, dear girl,
0:33:29 > 0:33:32but we had to get our friend Palfrey here patched up a bit.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35- Ready to go? - Yes, erm, shall we go?
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Of course, your new car.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39I didn't think you'd get one so soon, Henry!
0:33:39 > 0:33:42GURGLING AND CLANKING
0:33:46 > 0:33:48SHE LAUGHS
0:33:48 > 0:33:50What on Earth's that?
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Looks like a Polish stomach pump.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Let's go and look at it.
0:33:58 > 0:33:59SHE LAUGHS
0:34:01 > 0:34:04What sort of an idiot would drive a thing like this?
0:34:04 > 0:34:05Yes, what sort of an idiot...
0:34:05 > 0:34:09Henry, is this...?
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Oh, no, no, of course not.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15I wouldn't be fool enough to buy a car like that.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16Well, where is yours?
0:34:16 > 0:34:20Er, well, it doesn't appear to have arrived yet. I...
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Well, you can't expect Miss Smith to hang around all day, can you?
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Oh, I don't mind waiting.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28No, no, no, it doesn't matter.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31Delauney is quite right. You mustn't wait.
0:34:31 > 0:34:34- But I... - No, no, no, I insist, really.
0:34:34 > 0:34:35Splendid!
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I know a little place down by the river
0:34:38 > 0:34:41- where we might have a swim. Do you like swimming?- Mmm.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Splendid!
0:34:43 > 0:34:45I know a charming little pub
0:34:45 > 0:34:48where we might have some dinner afterwards.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09ENGINE STOPS
0:35:12 > 0:35:14ENGINE FAILS TO START
0:35:26 > 0:35:28And that's how it happened.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30In fact, that's how everything always happens,
0:35:30 > 0:35:32and then I saw your advertisement.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Well, what you've just told me amounts to this -
0:35:35 > 0:35:38that you find yourself constantly in a one-down position
0:35:38 > 0:35:40to the world in general,
0:35:40 > 0:35:42and to this young female in particular.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Oh, well, before we go any further,
0:35:44 > 0:35:48I think I ought to mention the little matter of fees.
0:35:48 > 0:35:49Oh, yes, yes, of course.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Yes, well, these vary, of course,
0:35:52 > 0:35:54according to the needs of the individual,
0:35:54 > 0:35:58rates of progress and so on, but in all cases,
0:35:58 > 0:36:02we ask for a registration fee of £250,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04paid in advance, of course.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09This fairly substantial sum is the first psychological process
0:36:09 > 0:36:13we bring to bear on the student to encourage him
0:36:13 > 0:36:16to associate himself with...
0:36:16 > 0:36:17with the effort.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19It is, in fact...
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Well, it's part of the treatment.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25I see.
0:36:25 > 0:36:26Oh, well, erm...
0:36:26 > 0:36:28I'd better write you a cheque.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32I'm sorry I haven't a pen.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34It's all right.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42That's a very handsome one of yours. May I see it?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44No, no, no, when you're finished.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Now, I hope you notice that I do not stand hovering over you
0:36:54 > 0:36:57with a pen ready whenever I want you to sign a document
0:36:57 > 0:37:00in my favour. On the contrary, I get you to use your own.
0:37:00 > 0:37:04Erm, excuse me. Could I...?
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- What?- The pen.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Well?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Could I have it back, please?
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Of course.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18- Sorry.- Ah, you're sorry.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20That was lesson number two.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23I managed to make you feel apologetic and somehow mean
0:37:23 > 0:37:24by forcing you into a choice
0:37:24 > 0:37:26between losing a valued possession
0:37:26 > 0:37:29or indirectly accusing me of trying to steal it. D'you see?
0:37:29 > 0:37:32- I see. Yes.- Good, good.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Well, Mr Palfrey, I think you're about ready
0:37:34 > 0:37:37to start the course in earnest. Let me see now.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40- Yes, you are just in time for the partymanship class. - RINGS BELL
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Good afternoon, Palfrey.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Good afternoon.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46- Oh, erm, thank you for the tea.- Ah.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Now, one of the basic areas in which a lifeman
0:37:57 > 0:38:01must put his lifemanship into play is the social gathering,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03or, as it's sometimes called, the party.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Sooner or later during the party,
0:38:06 > 0:38:07one person begins to dominate.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10That person must be you.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Does anybody know an amusing story?
0:38:13 > 0:38:15- I do, sir.- Good.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Well, suppose this were a party,
0:38:17 > 0:38:21and suppose that Dingle here has been having rather a success
0:38:21 > 0:38:26with his fund of amusing stories. What would the lifeman do?
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Leave, and go to another party?
0:38:29 > 0:38:31No, Fleetsnod.
0:38:31 > 0:38:35The true lifeman would rather die first.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39He stops the flow.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41To demonstrate...
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Dingle, tell us your amusing story.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47Well, there was this chap,
0:38:47 > 0:38:50had a bit too much to drink, if you know what I mean.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54Well, sir, he finds himself walking home
0:38:54 > 0:38:57with one foot on the kerb and one foot on the road.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Looks down and says,
0:39:04 > 0:39:07"My word, that's funny. When I left home this morning,
0:39:07 > 0:39:08"they were both the same length!"
0:39:08 > 0:39:10LAUGHTER
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Very good, Dingle.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Most amusing.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Where did I leave my pipe?
0:39:24 > 0:39:25Sir!
0:39:28 > 0:39:30I'm most terribly sorry.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32I'd no idea.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35It's quite all right, Dingle.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38You couldn't have known about this old war wound of mine, could you?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41- No, sir.- Feeling bad, Dingle?
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Feel like telling another story, Dingle?
0:39:46 > 0:39:49You see, gentlemen, the flow has been stopped.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Out!
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Now, what's your move?
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Did you say in or out, sir?
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Well, I thought it was out.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15But would you care to have it again?
0:40:15 > 0:40:16No, just in future,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19would you kindly state in a loud and clear voice
0:40:19 > 0:40:21whether the ball is in or out?
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Hmm, you're getting it, Palfrey.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Now, suppose you are completely outclassed,
0:40:25 > 0:40:28and your one chance is in taking your opponent's eye off the ball
0:40:28 > 0:40:32- and keeping it off. Go on. Let's see what you do.- Hmm? Right.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44I'm so sorry!
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Sweaty hands.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Is it bleeding much?
0:40:52 > 0:40:57Let us assume that Proudfoot here has made a break of eight
0:40:57 > 0:41:00and looks as if he is going on to make eight more.
0:41:00 > 0:41:01Erm, would you mind?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Just a minute.
0:41:09 > 0:41:10That's better.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Are they bothering you at all?
0:41:14 > 0:41:15Who?
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Dingle and Brazier?
0:41:22 > 0:41:24I'm sorry. Go ahead.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Shhh!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Bad luck, Proudfoot.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32Four to me.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39- KITTENISH VOICE:- You mean you do your own cooking?
0:41:39 > 0:41:41Oh, yes, and washing-up and all that.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Well, it's quite fun, really.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48- Henry?- Mm-hm?
0:41:48 > 0:41:50You have a hole in your sock.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54Oh, I'm afraid I'm not very good at darning yet,
0:41:54 > 0:41:57but I'm learning, you know.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Oh, poor Henry!
0:41:59 > 0:42:03It's not right for you to do your own washing and cooking.
0:42:03 > 0:42:07I wish I could come and do it for you.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Oh, I do wish you would.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12How would tomorrow evening suit?
0:42:16 > 0:42:19- MATRONLY VOICE:- That's fine, Mr Palfrey, fine.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22You're ready to move on to the next class.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Thank you, Mrs Grimmet.
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Well, Palfrey, having used various ploys
0:42:34 > 0:42:37with which you are now familiar, let us imagine that here she is
0:42:37 > 0:42:39alone with you in your flat.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42Her little heart a-flutter and a-tremble.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44What then is your next move? Well, we have a little gadget here,
0:42:44 > 0:42:47which we developed in our early days at Yeovil.
0:42:47 > 0:42:48CREAKING
0:42:48 > 0:42:49Ah, there it is.
0:42:49 > 0:42:53What your follow-through might be is no concern of mine.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56However, it has two serious disadvantages.
0:42:56 > 0:43:00First, it smacks a little of impatience, hmm?
0:43:00 > 0:43:02And secondly, it is by no means inexpensive.
0:43:02 > 0:43:05So, except for our wealthier and less patient students,
0:43:05 > 0:43:10we recommend a subtler and more economic ploy.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Well, now, I'll try to give you an example
0:43:12 > 0:43:15of what might happen if luck is on your side.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18You offer her a drink, which we'll assume she accepts.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20A reasonable assumption.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23So, let's imagine that this glass is filled to the brim
0:43:23 > 0:43:24with some refreshing liquid.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27Having made sure that the part she is going to hold it by
0:43:27 > 0:43:31has been treated so that it is very, very slippery indeed.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33- Why?- Because, Palfrey,
0:43:33 > 0:43:37we are hoping for the best of all possible accidents. Barbara.
0:43:37 > 0:43:38- Ooh!- Ha ha ha! Palfrey,
0:43:38 > 0:43:41your luck is in, look, it has worked.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44The glass has slipped out of her hand
0:43:44 > 0:43:47and she spilt the stuff all down her dress. You, of course,
0:43:47 > 0:43:49are frightfully upset, but the main point is
0:43:49 > 0:43:53you cannot let her stand around with a wet dress on now, can you, hmm?
0:43:53 > 0:43:55No, of course you can't, so being a gentleman,
0:43:55 > 0:43:58you offer her your dressing gown while her dress is drying,
0:43:58 > 0:44:01and that, I think, places you quite definitely one up.
0:44:01 > 0:44:03If not more.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06According to just how much of a gentleman you are.
0:44:06 > 0:44:10Well, Palfrey, the dressing gown!
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Palfrey, the dressing...
0:44:15 > 0:44:17- Palfrey!- Hmm?
0:44:18 > 0:44:21Oh, er, yes, dressing gown.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29Well, gentlemen, having delivered myself of these
0:44:29 > 0:44:32qualified congratulations, I think you are now ready to
0:44:32 > 0:44:34move on to the second phase of our work.
0:44:34 > 0:44:37From the theory to the practice of lifemanship,
0:44:37 > 0:44:40or, as we say here at Yeovil, to the field trials.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42Each of you in turn will now proceed to the archives room
0:44:42 > 0:44:44where you will find photographic records
0:44:44 > 0:44:46of all known anti-lifemen,
0:44:46 > 0:44:48and from these you will select your opponents,
0:44:48 > 0:44:50and, under the guidance of an instructor,
0:44:50 > 0:44:55proceed into the outside world, there to cross swords with them.
0:44:55 > 0:44:56Come along, Palfrey, you first.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19It's him, that bloke we sold the Swiftmobile to.
0:45:19 > 0:45:22- What? Is he alone? - He's got the car with him.
0:45:26 > 0:45:27I say, sir.
0:45:28 > 0:45:30- Yours?- Yes, yes.
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Do you mind if I look inside?
0:45:36 > 0:45:39- Thanks.- There we are.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41How about that for an engine, eh?
0:45:42 > 0:45:44Marvellous job.
0:45:44 > 0:45:47- He's waving to us.- No, he isn't. He's shaking his fist.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51The, erm... When you get round the other side,
0:45:51 > 0:45:54look as if you're making me an offer, will you?
0:45:54 > 0:45:58- Anything you say.- Come and have a look at the altimeter.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03I don't suppose you'd part with her, eh?
0:46:03 > 0:46:05Ah-ha-ha! No, no, no, no.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08I've had so many offers for this car, I can't tell you.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11- But I'm not selling. - Do you mind if I, er...?
0:46:11 > 0:46:13No, no, no, help yourself, by all means, have a good look around.
0:46:13 > 0:46:15Good morning, chaps.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Thought I'd bring the old girl back to show you.
0:46:19 > 0:46:22- We never guaranteed anything.- No, you can't touch us. We're insured.
0:46:22 > 0:46:24What did you say you got out of her? 112?
0:46:24 > 0:46:26I never said anything. Dunstan let her out.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29- He's not good at figures. - I had her up to 115.
0:46:30 > 0:46:33- What?!- Ha! On Western Avenue. Easy.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Raced a brand-new Jag all the way from Northolt to Ealing.
0:46:37 > 0:46:41You know, I honestly believe you chaps don't know what that car really is.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43She's a Swiftmobile 1924.
0:46:43 > 0:46:44- You really believe that?- Yeah.
0:46:44 > 0:46:48I mean, you had no idea what it was you were selling me?
0:46:48 > 0:46:52Always collects a crowd, she does.
0:46:52 > 0:46:57She's not a Swiftmobile 1924. She's one of THE Swiftmobiles, 1925,
0:46:57 > 0:46:58a supercharged Ravalli model.
0:46:58 > 0:47:02Oh, superficially like a run-of-the-mill '24, I grant you,
0:47:02 > 0:47:04but, ha-ha, one look at the valve seats...
0:47:04 > 0:47:05Didn't I tell you, Dunstan?
0:47:05 > 0:47:07I don't get it. Will you talk English?
0:47:07 > 0:47:09Of course, I had a bit of trouble with her at first.
0:47:09 > 0:47:11You chaps had been trying to run her on ordinary petrol.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14She takes a petrol-meths mixture like the old Borottis.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17And then the multi-hydro nuts on the brakes were all oiled up,
0:47:17 > 0:47:18and the special two-way camshaft was bent.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Ha! No wonder the steering was all to pieces, ha!
0:47:21 > 0:47:23So, I've had her stripped right down and...
0:47:23 > 0:47:26well, now I reckon that car is practically priceless.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28In fact, I've already been offered almost three times
0:47:28 > 0:47:31- what I gave for her by Brassy Digger.- The racing driver?
0:47:31 > 0:47:34He had her round the track at Silverstone, lapped at 121.7.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36I said to Dunstan. Didn't I, Dunstan?
0:47:36 > 0:47:38I said, "I'd like Mr Palfrey to have that car,
0:47:38 > 0:47:41"cos he'll know how to handle her, he'll appreciate her."
0:47:41 > 0:47:43Yes, that's right, that's why we let you have her cheap.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46We like our motorcars to go to good homes, like dogs.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49Brassy's coming round here, as a matter of fact, see if you can try and get him one.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51Oh, I told him it was absolutely useless.
0:47:51 > 0:47:52Only six of them ever made.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55Still, you know him, when he's set his heart on a thing,
0:47:55 > 0:47:58he's prepared to pay... oh, anything.
0:48:00 > 0:48:03Mind you, once you've driven a car like that...
0:48:03 > 0:48:06well, you have driven it. There's no getting away from it.
0:48:06 > 0:48:07And what an experience it is!
0:48:07 > 0:48:10Well, I must be getting along.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12Wait a minute, Mr Palfrey, don't be in a rush.
0:48:12 > 0:48:14I've been thinking about that car.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17It is a shade big for town work.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19- Oh, I don't know. - Yes, that's right, sir
0:48:19 > 0:48:22That'll be more for a racing driver, like Mr Digger.
0:48:22 > 0:48:24I was saying to Dunstan, wasn't I, Dunstan?
0:48:24 > 0:48:28- You were, Dudley?- I was saying I'm worried about Mr Palfrey having that car.
0:48:28 > 0:48:30I'm worried about him parking it in town.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33I'm worried about him being stopped for speeding.
0:48:33 > 0:48:38I mean, have you tried driving her under 40, that's all I am asking, have you tried?
0:48:38 > 0:48:41Yes, you want something smaller. Something like this, for instance.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43More your type of thing altogether.
0:48:43 > 0:48:46We can do a straight swap, nothing in the books.
0:48:46 > 0:48:50You're not seriously suggesting I should trade a Swiftmobile for one of those?
0:48:50 > 0:48:52New one, mind you. Ex-works.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55No, no, Dunstan, complete with engine.
0:48:55 > 0:48:57- THEY LAUGH - Oh, come, gentlemen.
0:48:57 > 0:48:59Why, I could sell it to Brassy myself.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03- Ah, a new car and ten pounds. - Guineas.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05A new car and 100 guineas would be nearer the mark.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07- It's a deal. - Do you want it in cash?
0:49:07 > 0:49:08Now, don't rush me.
0:49:08 > 0:49:12I shall probably finish up by doing something I regret.
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Maybe she is a bit large for town.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33- Cash, did you say?- Cash.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37- It's a deal.- Done! Dunstan, open the door for the gentleman.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41- Thank you.- There we are.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45- And believe me, sir, you've made a very shrewd move.- Excellent!
0:49:45 > 0:49:48- The ignition key.- Thank you. - Log book's in the pocket.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52Thank you, gentlemen. Give my regards to Brassy when you see him,
0:49:52 > 0:49:56and don't forget! One of petrol, two of meths.
0:50:00 > 0:50:03It's all theirs now, sir. Make them an offer.
0:50:13 > 0:50:15I'm sorry, sir, this car is not for sale.
0:50:15 > 0:50:17Oh, lucky I'm not interested.
0:50:29 > 0:50:33ENGINE GURGLES
0:50:36 > 0:50:38CAR BACKFIRES
0:50:40 > 0:50:41EXPLOSIONS
0:51:05 > 0:51:06Make yourself comfortable.
0:51:06 > 0:51:10Mr Gloatbridge, could you come in here for a moment, please?
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Unusually early this morning, Mr Henry.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15- You know very well the mail isn't sorted until... - I'm not interested in the mail.
0:51:15 > 0:51:19Would you kindly come in here and bring the cash ledger with you?
0:51:19 > 0:51:20Yes, Mr Henry.
0:51:24 > 0:51:27- You just talk a lot of high finance and figures... - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:51:27 > 0:51:30- Come!- Some figures.- Thank you.
0:51:32 > 0:51:38- Capitalisation...- Just one moment. - 12.5?- Very reasonable, I should say.
0:51:38 > 0:51:40THEY MUTTER TO EACH OTHER
0:51:41 > 0:51:42Ah!
0:51:44 > 0:51:47Er...cigarette, Mr Gloatbridge?
0:51:47 > 0:51:50- I haven't smoked for ten and a half years.- No?
0:51:50 > 0:51:53I've practically given it up myself,
0:51:53 > 0:51:57but I still find it helps me at, erm...difficult moments.
0:51:57 > 0:51:59You sure you won't change your mind?
0:51:59 > 0:52:02No, thank you, Mr Henry.
0:52:02 > 0:52:07Gloatbridge... What would you think about a merger with ACI?
0:52:07 > 0:52:10A merger, sir? With the biggest firm in the city?
0:52:10 > 0:52:12Mr Henry, you can't be serious!
0:52:12 > 0:52:14Probably nothing will come of it. I haven't decided yet.
0:52:14 > 0:52:17But I've been having some discussions on a very high level
0:52:17 > 0:52:19these few weeks I've been away.
0:52:19 > 0:52:23Sir John Carruthers, the chairman of ACI, seems very keen.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25I can only say, Mr Henry,
0:52:25 > 0:52:28that I don't think your uncle would've been very keen.
0:52:28 > 0:52:31My uncle, Gloatbridge, being dead, is hardly in a position
0:52:31 > 0:52:36to express an opinion, nor is he in full possession of the facts.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39- May I see that ledger?- Really, Mr Henry, I always understood
0:52:39 > 0:52:41that no major policy decisions
0:52:41 > 0:52:43would be taken without consulting me.
0:52:43 > 0:52:45I've been with this firm for 32 years now,
0:52:45 > 0:52:48and that's a very long time.
0:52:48 > 0:52:5032 years. Have you really?
0:52:50 > 0:52:53That is indeed, as you say, a very long time, Gloatbridge,
0:52:53 > 0:52:55perhaps almost...
0:52:55 > 0:53:00Oh, well, may I see the ledger?
0:53:01 > 0:53:05Thank you. Just get me last year's as well, would you?
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Yes, Mr Henry.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20Not bad, not bad at all. I liked the merger idea,
0:53:20 > 0:53:25and I also enjoyed the suggestion that I was Sir John Carruthers.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28Though the Chairman's name happens to be Abe Spoonforth.
0:53:28 > 0:53:32I see you can't use kid gloves with a man like Gloatbridge.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35I suppose, you know, there's an obvious move now.
0:53:35 > 0:53:39I know. A slight addition...
0:53:40 > 0:53:42..here?
0:53:44 > 0:53:45Well, of course.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Thanks to your interpolated accountancy class.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54Ah. Erm, Gloatbridge,
0:53:54 > 0:53:56I may be wrong, but...
0:53:56 > 0:54:00just check that total for me, would you, please?
0:54:00 > 0:54:04- Yes, of course.- Don't hurry. Take your time.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09GLOATBRIDGE COUNTS IN WHISPERS
0:54:18 > 0:54:19That's very odd, I...
0:54:19 > 0:54:22- I seem to make it...- 283?
0:54:22 > 0:54:24I...I can't understand it.
0:54:24 > 0:54:29But the total entered here is...273. In your handwriting, I believe.
0:54:29 > 0:54:33- Correct me if I'm wrong. - But there must be some mistake.
0:54:33 > 0:54:34I've never made an error like this
0:54:34 > 0:54:36in all the years that I have been with...
0:54:36 > 0:54:39Never mind, Gloatbridge, we're all of us human, after all.
0:54:39 > 0:54:42I'm not going to suggest that I should check the figures daily.
0:54:42 > 0:54:45I still have confidence in you. I want you to understand that.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47But I think perhaps that I should keep a firmer grip
0:54:47 > 0:54:51on the financial side of the business in future. Would you agree?
0:54:51 > 0:54:52Oh, yes, of course, Mr Henry.
0:54:52 > 0:54:55But I feel I ought to apologise, I don't quite know what to say.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58Don't worry, Gloatbridge. Cigarette?
0:54:58 > 0:55:01Oh, thank you, sir.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14Now, about this projected merger,
0:55:14 > 0:55:17erm, don't mention it to the rest of the staff.
0:55:17 > 0:55:24If it happens, it might mean, erm...changes.
0:55:24 > 0:55:26I quite understand, Mr Henry.
0:55:26 > 0:55:29Ah, yes. Now, I must phone ACI.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34Give me a line, would you, please?
0:55:34 > 0:55:36Thank you.
0:55:45 > 0:55:48Hello, ACI? Boardroom, please.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50Hmm? Oh, it's you, Delauney.
0:55:50 > 0:55:55Oh, I'm so sorry. Henry Palfrey here.
0:55:55 > 0:55:56Oh, that stupid girl on the switchboard
0:55:56 > 0:55:59told me it was the ACI call... No, no, just a moment.
0:55:59 > 0:56:02There was something I wanted to talk to you about.
0:56:02 > 0:56:06Ah, yes, are you free for a return match on Saturday?
0:56:07 > 0:56:10Gloatbridge? Right, thank you, thank you.
0:56:10 > 0:56:11Hmm?
0:56:12 > 0:56:14HE LAUGHS
0:56:14 > 0:56:16Yes, I suppose I am a glutton for punishment.
0:56:16 > 0:56:19Yes, yes, do. That's very kind of you.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21I've never ridden in a Bellini.
0:56:21 > 0:56:26No, don't worry. I'll be ready.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28Quarter to three.
0:56:28 > 0:56:30Goodbye.
0:56:30 > 0:56:31GLOATBRIDGE COUGHS
0:56:36 > 0:56:39What's up with the boss this morning, Mr Gloatbridge?
0:56:39 > 0:56:43Mr Henry and I have been discussing important policy matters at a very high level.
0:56:43 > 0:56:45I am not at liberty to say any more.
0:56:47 > 0:56:50- Oh, Gloatbridge!- Mr Henry.
0:56:50 > 0:56:53We'll go into that little matter in greater detail tomorrow.
0:56:53 > 0:56:55Yes, of course, Mr Henry, certainly. Anything you wish...
0:56:55 > 0:56:58- Good morning, sir. - Miss Stevens,
0:56:58 > 0:57:00fetch me all the ledgers for the past five years.
0:57:00 > 0:57:03Miss Wilson, bring me up the adding machine, and...
0:57:03 > 0:57:05Appleby, get me a cup of tea.
0:57:19 > 0:57:21CAR HORN WOLF-WHISTLES
0:57:39 > 0:57:42Hello! What are you doing here?
0:57:42 > 0:57:45What am I doing here?! We said quarter to three, didn't we?
0:57:45 > 0:57:47Quarter to...
0:57:47 > 0:57:50Oh, my dear fellow, I'm so sorry!
0:57:50 > 0:57:53I forgot all about it. I'll be down in a flash.
0:57:53 > 0:57:55Don't be long, we're picking April up on the way.
0:57:55 > 0:57:59- April? April who?- Miss April Smith!
0:57:59 > 0:58:02All right, down in a minute.
0:58:47 > 0:58:50CAR HORN WHISTLES
0:58:59 > 0:59:01Coming!
0:59:17 > 0:59:19En garde!
0:59:20 > 0:59:22CAR HORN WHISTLES
0:59:22 > 0:59:24HENRY WHISTLES IN REPLY
0:59:42 > 0:59:45- So sorry, old man.- At last. Come on.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47I say, what a beautiful day!
0:59:47 > 0:59:50For Pete's sake, hurry up! We're late for April already.
0:59:50 > 0:59:53Oh, don't worry, she won't be ready. You know women. Ha-ha!
0:59:53 > 0:59:55- Ooh! I've forgotten something.- What?
0:59:55 > 0:59:58Er, my shoes. I won't be a moment, won't be a moment!
1:00:11 > 1:00:15- Here we are. All present and correct.- Get in.
1:00:15 > 1:00:16- Oh, just a moment. - What is it now?
1:00:16 > 1:00:18My racquet. Er, hang on. Um...
1:00:18 > 1:00:21Did I leave it at the club, or is it upstairs under the bed?
1:00:21 > 1:00:23- Under the bed?!- I'd better go and look, just to make sure.
1:00:23 > 1:00:25Look, get in, you can borrow mine.
1:00:25 > 1:00:27- But what are you going to do? - I've got two.
1:00:27 > 1:00:29But I can only play with a 16-ounce, and I know your old one is...
1:00:29 > 1:00:31Well, you can use my new one. Get in!
1:00:31 > 1:00:34Well, that's very decent of you, old boy.
1:00:34 > 1:00:36Thank you very much.
1:00:51 > 1:00:55I say, you did see that light, didn't you?
1:00:55 > 1:00:56I saw the light perfectly.
1:01:04 > 1:01:08- You did say April Smith, didn't you? - Yes, I did.- Has she moved?- Why?
1:01:08 > 1:01:11Well, if she's still in Oakshades Avenue, you've taken the wrong turning.
1:01:11 > 1:01:15Quickest way was to take the last turning left, then first right over the railway bridge.
1:01:15 > 1:01:17- Are you sure?- Yes, honestly. It takes minutes off it.
1:01:17 > 1:01:19I should turn around, if I were you. Here.
1:01:19 > 1:01:24- No, wait a moment. Better still, go left, then left again.- There?
1:01:29 > 1:01:31Wait a moment. Hang on.
1:01:37 > 1:01:39The second...
1:01:40 > 1:01:43No, no, no, no, the third on the right, here.
1:01:46 > 1:01:47That's it.
1:01:50 > 1:01:52I think.
1:01:53 > 1:01:56Turn right. Mind that tree!
1:02:00 > 1:02:02A tree in the middle of the road.
1:02:02 > 1:02:04- Are you sure you know the way? - Positive.
1:02:09 > 1:02:13Turn right, then bear left at the waterworks.
1:02:13 > 1:02:15TYRES SCREECH
1:02:15 > 1:02:17That's the idea.
1:02:25 > 1:02:28- I say, I'm terribly sorry. I...- Sorry?
1:02:28 > 1:02:31Trouble is, I'm only used to this shortcut after dark.
1:02:31 > 1:02:35- After dark!?- By the way, did I say turn left at the waterworks?
1:02:35 > 1:02:37- Yes, you did.- Oh, I am a fool, I meant right.
1:02:37 > 1:02:40Why couldn't you keep your ruddy mouth shut and let me go my way?!
1:02:40 > 1:02:42But this way is far quicker, old chap.
1:02:42 > 1:02:44THUD
1:02:44 > 1:02:47Oh, I say, bad luck!
1:02:47 > 1:02:49New paintwork, too.
1:03:15 > 1:03:17- She didn't wait. - Women. They're all the same.
1:03:17 > 1:03:19All that rush for nothing.
1:03:19 > 1:03:22I must say, I'm looking forward to trying that new racquet.
1:03:23 > 1:03:25ENGINE STALLS
1:03:27 > 1:03:28What on Earth was that?
1:03:33 > 1:03:37- Can I help, old man? - It's the exhaust.- Oh, bad luck.
1:03:37 > 1:03:41You know, it must've happened when you bashed into that brick wall.
1:03:43 > 1:03:46Have you got a piece of string?
1:03:49 > 1:03:51CAR CLATTERS
1:03:53 > 1:03:56- Well, we made it. - No thanks to you.
1:03:59 > 1:04:02Whose is that car? I haven't seen it here before.
1:04:02 > 1:04:05- Er, oh, it's mine, actually. - Yours?- Yeah.
1:04:05 > 1:04:09- What's it doing here?- Er, oh, I had the racing heads taken off.
1:04:09 > 1:04:12I knew you were picking me up anyway, so I asked the garage to deliver it here.
1:04:12 > 1:04:13Shall we go?
1:04:34 > 1:04:36Ah! We've got court two, I see.
1:04:36 > 1:04:38All right, I'll get some balls, you get the racquets.
1:04:38 > 1:04:41- Aren't you going to change? - Mmm? Oh, only my shoes.
1:04:41 > 1:04:43I always think it's a bit pompous
1:04:43 > 1:04:46to dress up in whites for a friendly game, don't you?
1:04:48 > 1:04:52Oh, I say! You're putting it on a bit, old man, aren't you?
1:04:53 > 1:04:56Oh, Mr Delauney. I was just going to give your court to the General.
1:04:56 > 1:04:58- It's 3:30, you know. - Sorry, Carpenter.
1:04:58 > 1:05:00- 3:30, sir, see that?- Sorry, sir.
1:05:00 > 1:05:03But Palfrey wasn't quite ready when I made the call for him.
1:05:03 > 1:05:05Don't try to put the blame on someone else, sir.
1:05:05 > 1:05:08The court was booked in your name and you're 30 minutes late.
1:05:08 > 1:05:12- That's all I want to know. - Carpenter, complaints book.
1:05:34 > 1:05:35Thank you very much.
1:05:37 > 1:05:40- Right, call. - Rough.
1:05:40 > 1:05:41Rough, it is. Oh, lucky!
1:05:41 > 1:05:44- Side or service?- Oh, I'll serve.
1:05:44 > 1:05:47All right, well, I'll take this side.
1:05:47 > 1:05:50- You'll have the sun in your eyes. - Well, we're changing, aren't we?
1:05:50 > 1:05:53- Huh.- I say!- Hmm?
1:05:53 > 1:05:55- Shut the gate, old man, would you? - Shut..?
1:06:02 > 1:06:03- Is the net all right?- Mm?
1:06:03 > 1:06:06Er, would you like it a little lower?
1:06:14 > 1:06:15I'm ready.
1:06:18 > 1:06:20I say!
1:06:26 > 1:06:29I've just seen the General over there talking to the Secretary.
1:06:29 > 1:06:32Do you think I ought to tell him it was my fault we were late?
1:06:32 > 1:06:33No!
1:06:33 > 1:06:34Right.
1:06:44 > 1:06:46No!
1:06:48 > 1:06:50Bad luck. 0-15.
1:06:52 > 1:06:56Ha-ha-ha-ha!
1:06:58 > 1:07:02Oh, bad luck! 0-30.
1:07:05 > 1:07:07- Have it again.- It was out!
1:07:07 > 1:07:09Well, I honestly couldn't see.
1:07:09 > 1:07:11The sun was in my eyes. Could quite easily have been in.
1:07:11 > 1:07:13- Have two more.- It was out!
1:07:14 > 1:07:16All right!
1:07:20 > 1:07:21Oh!
1:07:24 > 1:07:27Oh, bad luck! Awfully good serve, though.
1:07:27 > 1:07:300-40.
1:07:37 > 1:07:39Hard cheese!
1:07:39 > 1:07:401-0.
1:07:44 > 1:07:46I say, this is a wonderful racquet.
1:07:46 > 1:07:48Your service.
1:07:58 > 1:08:00Fault!
1:08:03 > 1:08:07- Sorry.- But yours was in.- Was it?
1:08:08 > 1:08:11- I thought it was a fault.- It was well in.- Well, I couldn't see.
1:08:11 > 1:08:15- I'd have thought you'd have shouted if it was in.- Oh, have it again.
1:08:15 > 1:08:19Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't have got your return, anyway. 0-15.
1:08:19 > 1:08:21- Have it again. - No, no, no, honestly.
1:08:21 > 1:08:25I insist that you have it again!
1:08:25 > 1:08:26Oh, all right.
1:08:31 > 1:08:32BALL WHIPS PAST
1:08:32 > 1:08:34Oh, bad luck!
1:08:34 > 1:08:38I feel really bad about that one. 15-0.
1:09:18 > 1:09:20CONVERSATION MUTED
1:09:42 > 1:09:435-0.
1:09:43 > 1:09:46I say, old chap, I feel I've got rather an unfair advantage.
1:09:46 > 1:09:47I do wish you'd swap racquets.
1:09:47 > 1:09:50I'm perfectly happy with the one I've got.
1:09:50 > 1:09:52No, no, no, I insist. After all, this one is yours.
1:09:52 > 1:09:56Let me have a shot with that old one. Ha-ha-ha!
1:10:05 > 1:10:09Gently, now!
1:10:09 > 1:10:12Don't know your own strength with that racquet.
1:10:12 > 1:10:1315-0.
1:10:19 > 1:10:22Hello, April! 30-0.
1:10:25 > 1:10:28April, I can explain everything. We lost our way and...
1:10:28 > 1:10:31There's nothing to explain. You were late, and that's that.
1:10:31 > 1:10:33Oh, do get on with your game.
1:10:33 > 1:10:39- Lovely day, Henry!- Beautiful! - But, April...- 30-0.
1:10:51 > 1:10:54- Good shot, Henry!- 40-0.
1:10:56 > 1:10:59April, you must listen to me. I called for Palfrey...
1:10:59 > 1:11:02Young man! You, sir!
1:11:02 > 1:11:04Are you or are you not using this court
1:11:04 > 1:11:06for the purpose of playing tennis?
1:11:06 > 1:11:09I booked this court for four o'clock, it's one minute to.
1:11:09 > 1:11:12- 40-0.- Oh, nuts!
1:11:12 > 1:11:15And we don't tolerate filthy language in this club, sir.
1:11:15 > 1:11:17Match point!
1:11:19 > 1:11:21- Ha-ha-ha!- Well played, sir!
1:11:21 > 1:11:24Well played! Ha-ha-ha!
1:11:24 > 1:11:27- Well, shake hands, sir.- Shake?
1:11:29 > 1:11:31Not me, you fool!
1:11:31 > 1:11:34One thing I can't tolerate, a bad loser, unsportsmanlike.
1:11:34 > 1:11:37- Well played, young man. - Thank you, General.
1:11:37 > 1:11:39- Best man won.- Thank you, sir.
1:11:47 > 1:11:49April, April, let's get this straight, I...
1:11:49 > 1:11:51You're playing much better today, Henry.
1:11:51 > 1:11:52- What was the score? - Oh, just one set to me.
1:11:52 > 1:11:55- Didn't have time for any more. - I mean the score in games.
1:11:55 > 1:11:58Oh, it's not important, really. After all, it was only a friendly game.
1:11:58 > 1:12:02- It was 6-0. Now, April...- Well, thank you, Raymond. I enjoyed that.
1:12:02 > 1:12:05And many thanks for the loan of your racquet.
1:12:05 > 1:12:09- You mean to say you beat him playing with a borrowed racquet?- Oh...- No!
1:12:09 > 1:12:10I mean, yes. Well, not exactly.
1:12:10 > 1:12:12But, April, I can explain the whole thing.
1:12:12 > 1:12:15Raymond, I've already told you - there is nothing to explain.
1:12:15 > 1:12:17But there is, damn it!
1:12:17 > 1:12:21Language, old man, language. Ha-ha!
1:12:21 > 1:12:24Oh, just forgotten the balls. Erm... Look, go on, will you?
1:12:24 > 1:12:26Join you in a couple of seconds. Ha-ha!
1:12:33 > 1:12:36- How well do you know Palfrey, anyhow?- I beg your pardon?
1:12:36 > 1:12:39Well, why is it he only knows the short cut to your house in the dark?
1:12:39 > 1:12:42I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about.
1:12:46 > 1:12:51- Congratulations, my boy. You rather excelled yourself. In fact, you have passed with honours.- Thank you, sir.
1:12:51 > 1:12:55It was changing the racquets that did it, just as he was getting used to the feel of the old one.
1:12:55 > 1:12:57Well, I take it you're eager to get after the young girl?
1:12:57 > 1:13:02- That's right, sir.- What I am about to do is usually done in more formal circumstances, you understand?
1:13:02 > 1:13:05But, fortunately, provisions have been made for it to be done in the field,
1:13:05 > 1:13:10where emergency so dictates. So, just stand where you are, Palfrey.
1:13:10 > 1:13:12Take your hands out of your pockets.
1:13:13 > 1:13:17Now then, Henry Palfrey. By virtue of the power vested in me as founder and principal
1:13:17 > 1:13:19of the College of Lifemanship at Yeovil,
1:13:19 > 1:13:23it gives me great pleasure to award you this Certificate of Lifemanship.
1:13:23 > 1:13:26- Now, bend your head.- Mm? - Bend your head, Palfrey.
1:13:27 > 1:13:31- There, that's all, my boy. Congratulations. - Thank you very much indeed, sir.
1:13:31 > 1:13:35Nonsense, my boy. You deserve it. As a matter of fact, I've never said this to a student before,
1:13:35 > 1:13:38but I was wondering if you'd consider giving up this girl,
1:13:38 > 1:13:40and instead joining me at Yeovil?
1:13:40 > 1:13:42Oh, that's terribly flattering, sir,
1:13:42 > 1:13:44and don't think I don't appreciate it, but...
1:13:44 > 1:13:47- I'm afraid not, sir. - No, I didn't think so.
1:13:47 > 1:13:50- Well, up and at her, Palfrey. - Yes, sir.
1:13:50 > 1:13:53One last piece of advice, Palfrey. I take it it's your intention
1:13:53 > 1:13:55to go out there and lock horns with this other fellow
1:13:55 > 1:13:59- about driving the girl home? - Well, I was going to go...
1:14:02 > 1:14:04Once you've got your opponent on the ropes,
1:14:04 > 1:14:07surely you're in the perfect position for calling into play
1:14:07 > 1:14:08the calculated indifference ploy?
1:14:08 > 1:14:11Best summed up by a paraphrase of the old nursery rhyme,
1:14:11 > 1:14:15"Leave her alone and she'll come home, wagging her tail behind her."
1:14:15 > 1:14:17You really think the neglected gambit is the one to use?
1:14:17 > 1:14:20- Tried and true. - I've just had a thought, sir.
1:14:20 > 1:14:23- What if she doesn't like me? - Well, that's a detail.
1:14:23 > 1:14:27Some of the most successful marriages are made up of people who scarcely talk to each other.
1:14:27 > 1:14:30- Well, good luck, Palfrey. - Thank you very much, sir.
1:14:30 > 1:14:32- Three guineas, please. - Three guineas?
1:14:32 > 1:14:37- Well, we use only the best parchment.- Oh, yes.
1:14:41 > 1:14:44Really, my dear, it isn't necessary for you to try to make me jealous.
1:14:44 > 1:14:47- I'm quite your devoted slave, as it is.- Raymond, I've already told you -
1:14:47 > 1:14:48I was not trying to make you jealous.
1:14:48 > 1:14:52You're a dear little storyteller, and I absolutely adore you.
1:14:53 > 1:14:55What have you done to your car?
1:14:55 > 1:14:57I had a bit of an accident, actually.
1:14:57 > 1:14:59- Were you hurt? - No, it shook me up a bit.
1:14:59 > 1:15:01I... Put me off my game, I'm afraid.
1:15:01 > 1:15:05- Raymond, I'm so sorry. I... - Ah, there you are.
1:15:05 > 1:15:08I... I've asked Carpenter to phone the garage, Raymond.
1:15:08 > 1:15:12- I said you'd had an accident. I thought it sounded better. - Better than what?
1:15:12 > 1:15:17Well, it's a bit embarrassing to admit you backed into a wall in broad daylight, isn't it? Cheers.
1:15:17 > 1:15:20- Aren't you coming with us? - Oh, no.
1:15:20 > 1:15:22Two's company, you know.
1:15:29 > 1:15:31Dear sweet girl, do you realise how close you came
1:15:31 > 1:15:34- to suffering the consequences of your little game?- Mm?
1:15:34 > 1:15:37- He might have accepted and we should have been stuck with him. - What are you...?
1:15:37 > 1:15:41- Now, don't worry, little kitten, I would've saved you and got rid of him.- Saved me?
1:15:41 > 1:15:42And let that be a lesson to you, my sweet.
1:15:42 > 1:15:45You mean...? Now, just a minute.
1:15:45 > 1:15:49- In the first place, I am not your sweet.- Oh!
1:15:49 > 1:15:51In the second place, despite what you might think,
1:15:51 > 1:15:54I genuinely meant that invitation, and I'd have been delighted had he accepted.
1:15:54 > 1:15:57In the third place, I have never met such a smug,
1:15:57 > 1:15:59self-centred, conceited...
1:15:59 > 1:16:02And in the fourth place, goodbye!
1:16:40 > 1:16:42Oh, Mr Delauney, the garage people will be here shortly.
1:16:42 > 1:16:45Who is that man? He's not a member, is he?
1:16:45 > 1:16:49- Oh, no, sir. He came in today as a guest of Mr Palfrey's.- What?
1:16:51 > 1:16:53- Are you sure?- Oh, yes, sir.
1:16:53 > 1:16:56As a matter of fact, I saw them behaving in the most peculiar manner
1:16:56 > 1:17:02- on the croquet lawn just now, sir. - Really? Thanks.
1:17:25 > 1:17:27Where to?
1:17:27 > 1:17:28Anywhere.
1:18:19 > 1:18:21I should think you could use a drink, couldn't you?
1:18:21 > 1:18:24Yes, I could. Thank you.
1:18:24 > 1:18:26Oh, that smug, conceited...
1:18:26 > 1:18:28- Bore?- Yes, bore.
1:18:54 > 1:18:56Follow that bus!
1:19:03 > 1:19:06I should change before we go out for that drink, shouldn't I?
1:19:06 > 1:19:09- Do you mind if we stop off at my place for a moment?- Of course not.
1:19:19 > 1:19:21There we are!
1:19:21 > 1:19:24Look, this may sound a bit Victorian, but...
1:19:24 > 1:19:27if you'd prefer to stay here, I'd quite understand.
1:19:27 > 1:19:28You are sweet, Henry.
1:19:28 > 1:19:32- Look, why don't we have that drink in your flat?- Fine!
1:19:43 > 1:19:45There we are.
1:19:47 > 1:19:49Oh, Henry!
1:19:49 > 1:19:51- How nice and cosy.- Thank you.
1:19:51 > 1:19:55- Erm, sit down?- Thank you. - Now, then...
1:19:55 > 1:19:58What's it to be? Whisky?
1:19:58 > 1:20:00- Fine.- Good.
1:20:08 > 1:20:11- Soda?- Please.
1:20:30 > 1:20:33- Cheers!- Thank you. Oops! Ooh!
1:20:33 > 1:20:34Oh, I am sorry! Oh, look at the sofa.
1:20:34 > 1:20:38- Never mind my sofa, what about your dress? - It's terrible. I'm awfully clumsy.
1:20:38 > 1:20:42You can't very well sit around like that, can you? You'll catch your death! Erm... I know. Just a minute.
1:21:02 > 1:21:05There. Now, why don't you pop into that,
1:21:05 > 1:21:07and I'll dry your dress in front of the fire?
1:21:07 > 1:21:09Oh, I really don't think I ought...
1:21:09 > 1:21:13Then you can tell your Uncle Henry all about it.
1:21:13 > 1:21:15Uncle Henry?
1:21:16 > 1:21:18Yes, well, I suppose I better had.
1:21:18 > 1:21:21Good. Give me a shout when you're ready.
1:21:22 > 1:21:24You are kind and thoughtful, Henry.
1:21:34 > 1:21:36Mrs Stringer?
1:21:36 > 1:21:38Henry Palfrey here.
1:21:38 > 1:21:42When you have a free moment, could you pop up here, please?
1:21:42 > 1:21:44Thank you, Mrs Stringer.
1:21:53 > 1:21:55You can come in now!
1:21:57 > 1:21:59Splendid!
1:21:59 > 1:22:02Now, then, we'll just pop these things
1:22:02 > 1:22:05on the chair in front of the fire.
1:22:05 > 1:22:11They should be dry in no time at all. That's it.
1:22:11 > 1:22:14- How do you feel? - Fine, thanks, Uncle Henry.
1:22:14 > 1:22:16Good. Let's get you another drink, shall we?
1:22:19 > 1:22:21TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
1:22:31 > 1:22:34- First to Yeovil, please.- Ah!
1:22:41 > 1:22:43There we are!
1:22:44 > 1:22:46Now, then...
1:22:46 > 1:22:48- How do you feel? - Much more comfortable.
1:22:48 > 1:22:51This was a very good idea, Uncle Henry.
1:22:51 > 1:22:52- Cheers.- Cheers.
1:22:57 > 1:22:59Ah!
1:22:59 > 1:23:02Oh, that's much better.
1:23:04 > 1:23:08- Ha-ha-ha!- Mm?- Henry, your socks!
1:23:08 > 1:23:10So...? Oh!
1:23:12 > 1:23:14Oh, dear!
1:23:14 > 1:23:19Oh, oh, actually, I usually manage pretty well, but...
1:23:19 > 1:23:21Look, I must come in one day and mend it.
1:23:21 > 1:23:23DOORBELL RINGS
1:23:23 > 1:23:25- Who's that?- Hmm?
1:23:25 > 1:23:28Oh, I haven't the faintest idea.
1:23:28 > 1:23:32Ah, I say, this is a bit awkward, now I come to think of it.
1:23:32 > 1:23:36- Yes.- You being here alone in a man's flat, wearing his dressing gown,
1:23:36 > 1:23:41- guzzling whisky.- Yes, it is. - You've got your shoes off too.
1:23:41 > 1:23:43DOORBELL RINGS
1:23:43 > 1:23:45Better hide. Um...
1:23:45 > 1:23:47Quickly. In here.
1:23:48 > 1:23:49Won't be a moment.
1:23:57 > 1:23:58DOORBELL RINGS
1:24:00 > 1:24:05- Ah, Mrs Stringer.- I come up as quick as I could, Mr Palfrey. What is it?
1:24:05 > 1:24:07- I'm afraid it was a mistake, Mrs Stringer.- Mistake?
1:24:07 > 1:24:10But only just now, you telephoned down and asked me to come up.
1:24:10 > 1:24:12Yes, well, I thought I was going to need you,
1:24:12 > 1:24:15but I've been able to manage myself.
1:24:15 > 1:24:17Telephoning down and then changing your mind.
1:24:17 > 1:24:21I suppose you think that's fun for me, to run up five flight of stairs!
1:24:21 > 1:24:24You know I wouldn't dare operate the lift in my state of nerves.
1:24:24 > 1:24:25I'm very sorry, Mrs Stringer.
1:24:25 > 1:24:29- Yes, and I'm sorry too. - There... Ah!
1:24:29 > 1:24:30Come on, Queenie.
1:24:38 > 1:24:39Just the porter's wife.
1:24:39 > 1:24:42- I managed to get rid of her as quickly as I could.- Good.
1:24:44 > 1:24:48- Ha-ha-ha!- What is it?
1:24:49 > 1:24:52It's amazing how sexless a woman looks in a man's dressing gown.
1:24:52 > 1:24:56- Sexless?- Um, well...shapeless.
1:24:58 > 1:25:01- Shapeless?- Mmm. A little girlish.
1:25:03 > 1:25:06I don't know what it is, it makes a man feel protective.
1:25:10 > 1:25:11Just...protective?
1:25:11 > 1:25:13Well, paternal.
1:25:15 > 1:25:17- Paternal?- Well, no.
1:25:17 > 1:25:20Perhaps more like a friend.
1:25:20 > 1:25:24- How good a friend? - Oh, a good friend.
1:25:27 > 1:25:30A very good friend.
1:25:30 > 1:25:32A very...
1:25:32 > 1:25:35very good friend indeed.
1:25:43 > 1:25:45- No.- What is it?
1:25:45 > 1:25:47Put your dress on. I'll take you home.
1:25:47 > 1:25:51- But why? What happened? - Get dressed, please.
1:25:51 > 1:25:54BANGING ON DOOR Open up!
1:25:54 > 1:25:56I know you're in there. Let me in.
1:25:56 > 1:25:58Let me in, you cad, or I'll call the police!
1:25:58 > 1:26:00Open this door, you cad!
1:26:00 > 1:26:02I'll have to let him in. You go in there.
1:26:02 > 1:26:05I'll get rid of him as quickly as I can and I'll take you home.
1:26:05 > 1:26:06Now, come on. Open the door! Open up, I say.
1:26:06 > 1:26:09Come on, you bounder. I know you're in there, you stinker!
1:26:09 > 1:26:12Where is she? Come on. I know she is here. Where is she?
1:26:12 > 1:26:16- Will you keep your voice down? The neighbours will hear you.- So they should, you spoiler. Come on.
1:26:16 > 1:26:18- Where is she?- She's not here.
1:26:18 > 1:26:21Oh? These, I suppose, are yours!
1:26:22 > 1:26:24April Smith, you can come out now.
1:26:24 > 1:26:26This is Raymond.
1:26:30 > 1:26:33If this means I'm too late, you rotter...
1:26:33 > 1:26:36- Am I, kitten?- No.
1:26:37 > 1:26:39You're not too late.
1:26:40 > 1:26:44Oh, thank goodness. Well, now do you see where your little jealousies lead?
1:26:44 > 1:26:46If it hadn't been for my quick thinking, this man...
1:26:46 > 1:26:50This man? This rat. Let me tell you something about your fine-feathered friend.
1:26:50 > 1:26:52Do you know what he did? He went to Yeovil,
1:26:52 > 1:26:54he went to the College of Lifemanship,
1:26:54 > 1:26:58and he learnt all the tricks. All his dirty rotten tricks.
1:26:58 > 1:27:00No, no, no, not tricks, my good man.
1:27:00 > 1:27:03Arts, science, philosophy, if you like, but...
1:27:03 > 1:27:05no, no, no, not tricks.
1:27:05 > 1:27:07Well, you can call them what you like.
1:27:07 > 1:27:09But all they are are dastardly, low-down devices,
1:27:09 > 1:27:13designed to pull the wool over the eyes of innocent, young things.
1:27:13 > 1:27:16Look! "Potter's Woo-manship.
1:27:16 > 1:27:18"Woo-manship... The art of being one up on women
1:27:18 > 1:27:20"without actually marrying them."
1:27:20 > 1:27:22"The uncle ploy for trust and confidence."
1:27:22 > 1:27:25"From living room to bedroom in three easy moves."
1:27:25 > 1:27:27"After the bedroom, what?"
1:27:27 > 1:27:30What, indeed?
1:27:30 > 1:27:33Henry, is it true?
1:27:38 > 1:27:40What on Earth is the matter with you, man?
1:27:40 > 1:27:44- Ploy 64... Throw yourself on her mercy.- No, Mr Potter.
1:27:47 > 1:27:48It's true, April.
1:27:48 > 1:27:51They were tricks. All tricks.
1:27:51 > 1:27:55- Ploys, boy, ploys!- Tricks, ploys, what difference does it make?
1:27:55 > 1:27:57That's why I...
1:27:59 > 1:28:03- That's why you stopped, isn't it? - That's right.
1:28:03 > 1:28:05Come, April. Let me take you away from all this.
1:28:05 > 1:28:08I love you, April.
1:28:08 > 1:28:10Oh, Henry.
1:28:11 > 1:28:13I love you too.
1:28:15 > 1:28:18Shh. We're witnessing the birth of a new ploy.
1:28:18 > 1:28:24- No, Mr Potter. I love April and I want April to love me.- I do. I do.
1:28:24 > 1:28:29No... Not, not sincerity, Palfrey?
1:28:29 > 1:28:33Just a minute. Something's gone wrong. Stop that, I say!
1:28:33 > 1:28:35Kitten, you can't do this to me.
1:28:36 > 1:28:38Kitten!
1:28:38 > 1:28:42Well, don't just stand there, Mr Potter, do something!
1:28:43 > 1:28:45Pull yourself together, Palfrey.
1:28:47 > 1:28:49We are not alone!
1:28:52 > 1:28:55I do apologise, ladies and gentlemen.
1:28:55 > 1:28:58Events seem to have taken a most unfortunate turn.
1:28:58 > 1:29:00This sort of calamity, we cannot always guard against,
1:29:00 > 1:29:02even amongst our best students.
1:29:02 > 1:29:07You see, once...once sincerity rears its ugly head,
1:29:07 > 1:29:10- well, Lifemanship is powerless. - ROMANTIC MUSIC
1:29:14 > 1:29:17Stop that music.
1:29:18 > 1:29:20Orchestra!
1:29:20 > 1:29:25Orchestra, stop that infernal din!
1:29:25 > 1:29:28Oh, please! No.
1:29:28 > 1:29:31Forgive me, I must get back to Yeovil.