She's Out of My League

0:00:30 > 0:00:34This film contains very strong language

0:00:34 > 0:00:37and some scenes of a sexual nature.

0:00:41 > 0:00:42Marnie?

0:00:42 > 0:00:45I know we agreed to take some time off.

0:00:45 > 0:00:48And I think that was a great idea.

0:00:48 > 0:00:49My God.

0:00:49 > 0:00:53It gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will,

0:00:53 > 0:00:58and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people.

0:00:59 > 0:01:03You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did.

0:01:04 > 0:01:09A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist!

0:01:10 > 0:01:14With beakers and... But, obviously, I'm cool with that. Like...

0:01:14 > 0:01:18Cos the thing is, I think we're stronger as a result.

0:01:19 > 0:01:23But here's the thing, Marnie, it's been two years.

0:01:23 > 0:01:25And that's a lot of time off.

0:01:26 > 0:01:29And I'm ready for some time on.

0:01:31 > 0:01:32I miss you.

0:01:34 > 0:01:36I miss us.

0:01:38 > 0:01:40I got something for you.

0:01:42 > 0:01:44What do you think?

0:01:45 > 0:01:46Oh, man!

0:01:50 > 0:01:53It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing.

0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's horrible to watch you like this.

0:01:55 > 0:01:58I think this is really pretty. How's it work?

0:01:59 > 0:02:00What the hell is that?

0:02:00 > 0:02:04I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me.

0:02:04 > 0:02:06Look, Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.

0:02:06 > 0:02:09No. No. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her,

0:02:09 > 0:02:12I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement.

0:02:12 > 0:02:15I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it.

0:02:15 > 0:02:18But instead of eating it, we smash it. OK? You can do a lot better.

0:02:18 > 0:02:20- You deserve a lot better, Kirk. - Thank you,

0:02:20 > 0:02:23but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.

0:02:23 > 0:02:26When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?

0:02:26 > 0:02:29I went out on four different dates.

0:02:29 > 0:02:32With three girls... and that guy.

0:02:32 > 0:02:34I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine.

0:02:34 > 0:02:37We had a great conversation. He was just lookin' for a friend.

0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Know what your problem is? - What?

0:02:39 > 0:02:40- You're a moodle. - A "moodle"?

0:02:40 > 0:02:43- A man poodle.- Girls, they want to take you out on a walk.

0:02:43 > 0:02:47They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you. But, make no mistake,

0:02:47 > 0:02:49no girl wants to do the moodle.

0:02:49 > 0:02:51- No one'd ever fuck a moodle. - No.

0:02:51 > 0:02:52- He's right. - I'm telling you,

0:02:52 > 0:02:55if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe

0:02:55 > 0:02:57that from the second she broke up with you,

0:02:57 > 0:03:00your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.

0:03:00 > 0:03:05Or you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?

0:03:05 > 0:03:07Why don't you put your fucking balls in here, dude?

0:03:12 > 0:03:13Yeah!

0:03:20 > 0:03:25- "Snatch parade. " Really, Kirk? - Yeah, it's been pretty awesome.

0:03:26 > 0:03:28I've been raw-doggin' some randoms.

0:03:28 > 0:03:31Usually careful. Mostly careful, though.

0:03:31 > 0:03:32Always using protection.

0:03:34 > 0:03:37Double-baggin' it sometimes just to make sure there's

0:03:37 > 0:03:40no seepage because...

0:03:43 > 0:03:47...gonorrhea, herpes and stuff. I don't want that.

0:03:47 > 0:03:52Wow. I am really happy that you are doing so well with the ladies.

0:03:52 > 0:03:53But, truthfully, Marnie.

0:03:53 > 0:03:58I really just want to give all that up and get back together with you.

0:03:59 > 0:04:03Kirk? You know I'm with Ron now.

0:04:05 > 0:04:07Raw-doggin' some randoms?

0:04:07 > 0:04:10Wow, Kirky, sounds like you got some good stuff goin' on.

0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Yeah. - Thanks, Ron.

0:04:14 > 0:04:17We're kind of in the middle of something right now.

0:04:18 > 0:04:21Oh, you want to talk? No problem.

0:04:21 > 0:04:23- I'll just be in the other room. - Thanks, buddy.

0:04:23 > 0:04:26Ah, sorry. One more thing. Is there any salsa?

0:04:29 > 0:04:33You know what? I'll find it myself. Good luck there, pirate.

0:04:35 > 0:04:37Are you kidding me, Marnie?

0:04:37 > 0:04:40That guy? That guy is an entrepreneur.

0:04:40 > 0:04:44- Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut. - That's a business.

0:04:44 > 0:04:47It's not even a real Pizza Hut! It's a Pizza Hut Express!

0:04:47 > 0:04:50Working airport security with your dipshit friends

0:04:50 > 0:04:52isn't getting you closer to being a pilot.

0:04:52 > 0:04:54I... I got you somethin'.

0:04:54 > 0:04:59Remember that time I made you the mix tape of all the Kate Bush songs

0:04:59 > 0:05:02I thought applied to our relationship? This is cooler.

0:05:03 > 0:05:08Happy Valentine's Day from two years ago.

0:05:08 > 0:05:10Hi, honey. Everything OK?

0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Yeah. - Oh, God, what is that?

0:05:14 > 0:05:16I think it's an ashtray?

0:05:16 > 0:05:20- No, it's for your earrings. - Or that.

0:05:20 > 0:05:23Kirk, please, don't cause a scene. Everyone's over.

0:05:23 > 0:05:25Jesus, Mom, a little privacy here, please?

0:05:25 > 0:05:28- It's OK, Mrs. Kettner. - OK.

0:05:29 > 0:05:32Kirk. You know that I don't get along with my own parents,

0:05:32 > 0:05:37and you've been really great about your family practically adopting me

0:05:37 > 0:05:39since we broke up.

0:05:39 > 0:05:41- I love you. - Marnie, I love you, too.

0:05:41 > 0:05:43Just... OK... Let me finish.

0:05:44 > 0:05:49I love you like I love... TV.

0:05:50 > 0:05:54- I love you like I love pizza. - Superfly Snuka!

0:05:54 > 0:05:56- No, Dylan! - You still got it!

0:05:56 > 0:05:57- Give it to him! - What's up, little bro?

0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Fuck you! - Dylan! Leave your brother alone.

0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Snap him like a wishbone. - Sore spot? Just let it happen.

0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Yeah! You ain't got shit, you pussy!- I hate you!

0:06:05 > 0:06:07Mom! Kirk said he hated me!

0:06:07 > 0:06:10OK, let's move out! Movie night! I do not want to miss the previews.

0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Here. I got the brews. Let's go! - Comin' with us, pirate?

0:06:13 > 0:06:16- No, thanks. - It's Chris Tucker, dude.

0:06:16 > 0:06:17Yeah, I think I'll pass.

0:06:17 > 0:06:20"Do you see the words comin' outta my mouth?!"

0:06:20 > 0:06:24Chris Tucker, right? Mom! I did the Chris Tucker for him.

0:06:24 > 0:06:26- That's nice. - I'm just gonna leave this here.

0:06:26 > 0:06:28He's the black guy from Rush Hour. >

0:06:28 > 0:06:29- Let's go, go, go! - OK.

0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Mom... Yeah. - You know, it's engraved on...

0:07:20 > 0:07:24Boarding passes and IDs where I can see them, please!

0:07:24 > 0:07:25Let's go!

0:07:25 > 0:07:26- Hey. - Hey.

0:07:26 > 0:07:28Boarding passes and IDs where I...

0:07:28 > 0:07:30Oh, well, well, well. Thanks for comin' in, Kettner.

0:07:30 > 0:07:32Sorry I'm late, Fuller.

0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Yeah? You'd better have a good excuse.- No.

0:07:35 > 0:07:38You wanna take a second? Make somethin' up?

0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Nope. - Interesting.

0:07:42 > 0:07:44Oh, look at this.

0:07:45 > 0:07:47Yes, yes.

0:07:49 > 0:07:52Yeah, that's so good. That's great. That's perfect.

0:07:52 > 0:07:55Listen, Mr Friedman, their quote is lower than ours.

0:07:55 > 0:07:59So if fake flowers and cheap champagne is how you want to woo your clients,

0:07:59 > 0:08:02then feel free to blow us out. I'm sure the event'll be fine.

0:08:02 > 0:08:05Thank you, Mr Friedman. Tomorrow.

0:08:05 > 0:08:07Have a nice flight.

0:08:09 > 0:08:13Boarding passes and IDs where I can see... Hi!

0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Hi. - Hay-lo.

0:08:15 > 0:08:16Hi-lo. Hello!

0:08:16 > 0:08:21New York, huh? Yeah. The Big... City.

0:08:21 > 0:08:22Big Apple.

0:08:22 > 0:08:28Big Apple City. I get up there a lot, Cos I actually, I gig up there.

0:08:28 > 0:08:29I play in a band.

0:08:29 > 0:08:32- I'm the lead in a band. - Hey, Stainer.

0:08:32 > 0:08:38Did you get the numbers with... For the new procedures regarding planes?

0:08:38 > 0:08:39This is Randy.

0:08:41 > 0:08:43- What's up? - Hi.

0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Well, everything checks out. - Thank you.

0:08:47 > 0:08:50- Do you need a hand? - No.

0:08:50 > 0:08:53Smooth. Go put this back in the trash.

0:08:53 > 0:08:55- It's a memo. - Put it back in the trash!

0:08:55 > 0:09:00- Boarding passes and IDs, please! - Next! Oh, ma'am!

0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Your shoes. - Oh, sorry.

0:09:03 > 0:09:08OK, let's go ahead and strip off that belt too, while we're at it, huh?

0:09:09 > 0:09:13You have any piercings you want me to know about?

0:09:13 > 0:09:15Anything at all?

0:09:15 > 0:09:17All right, I'm really late for my flight.

0:09:17 > 0:09:20Why don't you step on through, we'll see if you set off the machine.

0:09:20 > 0:09:22Thank you.

0:09:23 > 0:09:24No, no, no. Not so fast.

0:09:24 > 0:09:27I'm gonna have to ask you to step over to the wanding area.

0:09:27 > 0:09:31Fuller, why? Well, you never know. I mean...

0:09:31 > 0:09:33You just waved the wand over your tie clip!

0:09:33 > 0:09:35No, I did not. Yes, you did.

0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, I am keeping an eye on you.

0:09:43 > 0:09:45Wow. They let guys like that work here?

0:09:45 > 0:09:47Yep!

0:09:48 > 0:09:51Yes, they, they, they let that guy be my boss.

0:09:51 > 0:09:53Thank you for pissing off your boss for me.

0:09:53 > 0:09:56Oh, yeah, please, anytime.

0:09:58 > 0:10:03- Molly! Your boarding pass. - Oh, thanks... Kirk.

0:10:05 > 0:10:06Kirk.

0:10:08 > 0:10:10Flight six-three to JFK, you're cleared for taxiing on runway two-niner.

0:10:12 > 0:10:13Cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check.

0:10:13 > 0:10:16Dude! Cut it a little closer, why don't you?

0:10:16 > 0:10:18I think I lost my iPhone. I left it in security.

0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, here, calm down. I'll call it.

0:10:20 > 0:10:25PHONE RINGS

0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Hello? - Who's this?

0:10:35 > 0:10:37I don't know. Might be the guy with the new iPhone. Who's this?

0:10:37 > 0:10:40I don't know. Might be your worst fucking nightmare, you...

0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Patty! Stop it! - Sorry.

0:10:42 > 0:10:46Hello? Thank God you have my phone. My name is Molly McCleish.

0:10:46 > 0:10:49I remember you well. What gate are you at? I'll run it over.

0:10:49 > 0:10:52Know what? We're actually pushing back right now.

0:10:52 > 0:10:55Excuse me. You're not supposed to be on your phone.

0:10:55 > 0:10:59- It's bad for the plane.- Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a plane doctor?

0:10:59 > 0:11:01No? So shut the fuck up. Tell you what,

0:11:01 > 0:11:04I'll just leave it at Lost and Found for you. How 'bout that?

0:11:04 > 0:11:07Would you hold on to it for me? I'm coming back tomorrow.

0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'm an event planner. I'm having this party at the Warhol Museum.

0:11:10 > 0:11:12- We could meet there. - Yes, of course.

0:11:12 > 0:11:13I know where that is. It's actually

0:11:13 > 0:11:15- on my way home from work. - Sir?

0:11:15 > 0:11:18- She's talking on her phone. - Dude! Go shit in your hand.

0:11:20 > 0:11:21I have to go.

0:11:21 > 0:11:23Tonight's the night, Kirky.

0:11:23 > 0:11:25No. I... Devon, tonight is just a night

0:11:25 > 0:11:29where I return some lost property to a fellow human being.

0:11:29 > 0:11:32Come on, man, you gotta be positive.

0:11:32 > 0:11:36It's exciting! I mean, the night's full of possibilities.

0:11:36 > 0:11:39- I can almost smell 'em. - Oh, man.

0:11:41 > 0:11:43- You know what this reminds me of? - What's that?

0:11:43 > 0:11:47The moment when Aladdin went to meet Princess Jasmine.

0:11:47 > 0:11:48What?

0:11:48 > 0:11:51You're like a street urchin, and this is the palace!

0:11:51 > 0:11:54OK, so then what does that make you?

0:11:54 > 0:11:56I'm the Genie.

0:11:56 > 0:12:00Why am I so nervous? This is stupid. Let's get this over with, OK? Let's go.

0:12:00 > 0:12:02Yeah. Let's go on a magic carpet ride.

0:12:21 > 0:12:23No, I think it's good. We have to act positive.

0:12:23 > 0:12:25- Wendy! - Hi! Congratulations, ladies.

0:12:25 > 0:12:28- This party is so amazing. - It is, right?

0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Hey. Sorry I'm late. - Nice, Katie. Real classy.

0:12:32 > 0:12:36I had a major laundry disaster. This is the only dry bra that I have left.

0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Do you want me to take it off? - ALL: No!

0:12:38 > 0:12:42- Just take a tray and circulate. - Yeah, circulate. Know what that means?

0:12:47 > 0:12:51Hey, excuse me. I'm looking for Molly McCleish?

0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Are you here to arrest her? - No.

0:12:54 > 0:12:56What about you? You gonna search me?

0:12:56 > 0:12:58No. No, I'm, I'm not TSA.

0:12:58 > 0:13:02I can get you a mad discount on a flight, if you want, though.

0:13:02 > 0:13:06Molly's my sister. She's... up there.

0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Thank you. - Thanks.

0:13:08 > 0:13:10Hey!

0:13:13 > 0:13:17- Hey. - Hey. This is Patty.

0:13:17 > 0:13:18Hey.

0:13:21 > 0:13:25- Oh, this is my friend, Devon. - Princess Jasmine.

0:13:28 > 0:13:30- Here's your phone. - Oh, thank God.

0:13:30 > 0:13:33You... Thank you. You saved my life.

0:13:33 > 0:13:37Oh, please. It's no big deal at all. I think we're gonna get goin' now.

0:13:37 > 0:13:41We're a bit overdressed for this.

0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Yeah. - Oh, no! You guys look great.

0:13:43 > 0:13:46You should stay and have a drink, right?

0:13:46 > 0:13:47Know what? Excuse me one second.

0:13:47 > 0:13:50Get a drink, but don't get it from my sister's tray.

0:13:54 > 0:13:56What's up, freckles?

0:13:58 > 0:14:00...your friend's hot.

0:14:03 > 0:14:04What'd she just say?

0:14:04 > 0:14:09- "I think your friend is hot." - Yeah, right.

0:14:11 > 0:14:15Seriously, Kirky, do not josh me. All right? I need this.

0:14:15 > 0:14:17Well, Devon, I would never josh you.

0:14:17 > 0:14:19She said, "I think your friend is hot."

0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Yeah? - Yeah.

0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Yeah! - Oh, stop.

0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Yeah! - No. No.

0:14:25 > 0:14:27No, you... Devon, you're happily married.

0:14:27 > 0:14:29You and I both know you'd never cheat on Karen.

0:14:29 > 0:14:31Yeah, you're right. I don't need to.

0:14:31 > 0:14:33Know why? Cos that girl thinks I'm hot.

0:14:35 > 0:14:37Know what? Don't tell Karen about this.

0:14:37 > 0:14:39- No. - Stuffed mushroom?

0:14:39 > 0:14:40- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.

0:14:40 > 0:14:43I dropped 'em on the floor, but five second rule.

0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Good. Thank you. - It's OK, I'll wait.

0:14:46 > 0:14:47Suit yourself.

0:14:47 > 0:14:49- What the...? - Shit.

0:14:49 > 0:14:52- What the hell are you doing? - I am so sorry, sir.

0:14:52 > 0:14:53I... I...

0:14:53 > 0:14:55- What? - I don't know.

0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Katie! - No, no, no, not Katie.

0:14:57 > 0:14:59This is all my fault. I'm very, very sorry.

0:14:59 > 0:15:02Can I see your invitation?

0:15:04 > 0:15:06Can I see your invitation?

0:15:08 > 0:15:11Probably not the best thing to say to the museum director.

0:15:11 > 0:15:14True, but we should do cultural events like this more often.

0:15:14 > 0:15:16Kirk! Oh, my God.

0:15:18 > 0:15:21Patty told me what happened. What can I say? I'm so sorry.

0:15:21 > 0:15:27My reputation in the arts community may be shot, but I think I'll get over it.

0:15:27 > 0:15:29Know what? I'd like to make it up to you.

0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Are you free tomorrow night? - Yeah, yes. Yes.

0:15:31 > 0:15:36We handle some of the Penguins events, we've got seats for the Islanders game.

0:15:37 > 0:15:39- Do you like hockey? - Do I like hockey? Yes, I do.

0:15:39 > 0:15:42Great. There's two tickets. So, maybe, bring a friend.

0:15:42 > 0:15:44Wow, thank you so much. That's amazing.

0:15:44 > 0:15:47- And the tickets will be at will call.- OK.

0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Bye. - Bye.

0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Bye. - Good night.

0:15:55 > 0:15:57Fare thee well, dear princess.

0:15:57 > 0:16:00Until our magic carpets alight from Agrabah to the Cave of Wonders

0:16:00 > 0:16:04for a night of romance... and hockey.

0:16:06 > 0:16:10- I'm taking Stainer. - Are you serious?

0:16:11 > 0:16:13- No. no. No. That's... - Yeah.

0:16:13 > 0:16:18She's not into me. There are very few things that I am absolutely certain of.

0:16:18 > 0:16:22- This chick does not like me. - Oh, don't be such a Laydown Larry.

0:16:22 > 0:16:25I'm not being a... "Laydown Larry?"

0:16:25 > 0:16:28It's just like me sayin' that I'll never go to the moon,

0:16:28 > 0:16:29I'm all right with that, too.

0:16:29 > 0:16:32You don't want to go to the moon? Bullshit.

0:16:32 > 0:16:34No, I am saying that I never will go to the moon,

0:16:34 > 0:16:37and that's fine because I never expected to.

0:16:37 > 0:16:39You don't know that. Technology and stuff.

0:16:39 > 0:16:41- You might go to the moon. - He's right.

0:16:41 > 0:16:46No. This girl is, like, fuckin' hot!

0:16:46 > 0:16:49Yeah, but you said that shit about Marnie and, let's face it,

0:16:49 > 0:16:50Marnie was kind of a skank.

0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Hi. - Hey.

0:16:52 > 0:16:56Marnie. We were just talking about

0:16:56 > 0:17:00Marnie, the name... And how it's unfortunate that it's not more common.

0:17:00 > 0:17:01Fuck you, Stainer.

0:17:01 > 0:17:04You didn't let me finish. More common for skanks.

0:17:05 > 0:17:09Hey, Kirk, so are you gonna go to Branson with your folks next month?

0:17:09 > 0:17:11- I don't think so. - Cos they invited

0:17:11 > 0:17:13me and Ron to come along, and we'd love to go,

0:17:13 > 0:17:15but not if it's gonna be weird for you.

0:17:16 > 0:17:21Tickets are non-refundable, and I love Branson, but it's totally up to you.

0:17:21 > 0:17:26- Yeah, no, you should go. It's fun.- Thanks. OK.

0:17:26 > 0:17:28- OK... - I... That's...

0:17:29 > 0:17:35OK, so she's taking her new boyfriend to Branson with your parents.

0:17:36 > 0:17:39I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

0:17:39 > 0:17:41PUBLIC ADDRESS: Penguins are facing off against the Islanders.

0:17:41 > 0:17:43What do you think are the keys to the game?

0:17:43 > 0:17:45- I got the first one. - Thank you very much.

0:17:45 > 0:17:47I got a 20. Four beers, please.

0:17:48 > 0:17:50Three?

0:17:50 > 0:17:51Two?

0:17:52 > 0:17:55- He seemed nice. - That was all of my money.

0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Oh, my God. She's here. - What?

0:18:00 > 0:18:03That chick, from the airport?

0:18:03 > 0:18:05Didn't think she was gonna show. Hi!

0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Hey. So you got the tickets OK? - Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.

0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Cool. Oh, you remember Patty. - Hi.

0:18:10 > 0:18:13Hi, there. Of course. I didn't think that you were coming.

0:18:13 > 0:18:17- I just... This is amazing. - Hey.

0:18:17 > 0:18:18Stainer.

0:18:19 > 0:18:20I'm sorry?

0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Stainer. - What?

0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Stainer. - His name is Stainer.

0:18:24 > 0:18:27- Right. - Just a non-descript nickname.

0:18:27 > 0:18:30Doesn't mean anything, you know. It's like Greg.

0:18:30 > 0:18:33You look like someone I went to high school with.

0:18:33 > 0:18:36- What high school? Maybe it was me. - No, he's in a coma.

0:18:37 > 0:18:40Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some fucking honey.

0:18:40 > 0:18:42OK, should we just meet you up at the seats?

0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Yeah, perfect. - OK.

0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Kirk, that Molly girl's insanely hot.- Yeah, I know.

0:18:48 > 0:18:50- So you know what's happening. - What's that?

0:18:50 > 0:18:52She's setting you up with the bitchy friend.

0:18:52 > 0:18:55Perfect for you, Cos you like bitches.

0:18:55 > 0:18:57Yeah, well, that's fine.

0:18:57 > 0:19:01Patty's not a bitch, she's different.

0:19:01 > 0:19:04Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.

0:19:09 > 0:19:12- Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! - Come on!

0:19:15 > 0:19:17Will! Will! Pass it, pass it!

0:19:18 > 0:19:21Come on, Averill, play the man, not the puck!

0:19:21 > 0:19:23Yeah, come on, dick!

0:19:23 > 0:19:26I'm sorry, the player that I was screaming at is a forward,

0:19:26 > 0:19:29but for some reason he keeps hanging back at the blue line

0:19:29 > 0:19:30- with the defensemen. - You realise they're

0:19:30 > 0:19:33hanging back cos they're trying to kill a power play.

0:19:35 > 0:19:39That is exactly what's happening.

0:19:39 > 0:19:41Damn it, Fox, keep your stick down!

0:19:44 > 0:19:45- That felt good. - Yeah.

0:19:47 > 0:19:49She knows a strange amount about hockey.

0:19:49 > 0:19:51- Yeah, man. - Yeah.

0:19:53 > 0:19:54Hey, Mol.

0:19:56 > 0:19:58What... Scott Reese knows you?

0:19:59 > 0:20:02- A little. - Little bit.

0:20:02 > 0:20:04Come on, Reese, pick it up! You suck today!

0:20:10 > 0:20:12- What a save! - Oh, my God, he caught that.

0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Fuck you, man! Fuck you! - He's such a freak!

0:20:40 > 0:20:42- I'm gonna get some drinks. - OK.

0:20:42 > 0:20:45- I'm gonna get some beers, guys. - Oh, OK.

0:20:45 > 0:20:48I see what's goin' on. Yeah, I'll get some beers with you.

0:20:49 > 0:20:54- You two stay here. You know, talk. - I know.

0:20:59 > 0:21:00Hi.

0:21:00 > 0:21:04PA: Charlie Slaughter from Brookline.

0:21:04 > 0:21:07Ye olde intermission.

0:21:11 > 0:21:14Listen, while we have a minute here, Molly's always trying to set me up.

0:21:14 > 0:21:18That's why she brought me along, but honestly I'm not interested, no offence.

0:21:18 > 0:21:23No offence taken. I assume that I am probably not your type.

0:21:23 > 0:21:25I was talking about Stainer.

0:21:25 > 0:21:29What? What do you think, we're on, like, a double date or something?

0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Well, yeah. - Yeah, but that'd mean that Molly...

0:21:34 > 0:21:36- No. - Yes.

0:21:36 > 0:21:39Kirk, Molly's into you.

0:21:45 > 0:21:48Yeah! It's effortless.

0:21:48 > 0:21:50Listen, Kirk, I love you,

0:21:50 > 0:21:53but there's no way on the planet that Molly is into you.

0:21:53 > 0:21:55Why would she bring a friend and give you two tickets?

0:21:55 > 0:21:59Well, Molly brought Patty for you, but Patty thought you were a moron.

0:21:59 > 0:22:01OK, now I know you've gone crazy.

0:22:01 > 0:22:04You're telling me the hottest chick I've met in my life wants you,

0:22:04 > 0:22:07and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself. Fuck you.

0:22:07 > 0:22:09Fuck...

0:22:09 > 0:22:11That's a pretty impressive catch, Kirky.

0:22:11 > 0:22:14Right. The day that happens is the day that Jack sleeps with your wife.

0:22:18 > 0:22:22- What, did that already happen? - We weren't technically dating yet.

0:22:22 > 0:22:23My bad.

0:22:23 > 0:22:25Are we gonna talk or are we gonna bowl?

0:22:26 > 0:22:28All I'm saying is, this girl's too hot.

0:22:28 > 0:22:31I mean, no judgment on Kirky, but the guy's just outgunned here.

0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Yo, House Ball! - "House Ball?"

0:22:34 > 0:22:35Yeah, I was up first.

0:22:38 > 0:22:43- OK. OK. My bad. - For fuck sake! Hey!

0:22:43 > 0:22:46- What is it with you people? - Hey, he can just wait his turn.

0:22:46 > 0:22:47Oh, really? All this noise and shit,

0:22:47 > 0:22:51and my best friend is such a distraction in your goddamn peripheral vision?

0:22:51 > 0:22:54All right, take it easy. It's all good. Let him do his thing.

0:22:54 > 0:22:56Well, fuckin' roll then.

0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Bring it, Brunswick! - I'm here. Let's do this, come on.

0:23:12 > 0:23:14You feel strong, tough guy?

0:23:14 > 0:23:15- Walk! - You piece of shit!

0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Get off! - All right, come on.

0:23:17 > 0:23:20- TSA, motherfucker! - Don't! He's lucky.

0:23:20 > 0:23:22- He's an asshole.- > I'm really sorry.

0:23:23 > 0:23:27OK, anyway... I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.

0:23:27 > 0:23:31Stainer, that's just dirty pool. He's at least a six.

0:23:31 > 0:23:33A six? You go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole,

0:23:33 > 0:23:36- but I'm just being honest. - Come on, cut him some slack. Look.

0:23:36 > 0:23:39Half a point 'cause he's a nice guy. Right?

0:23:39 > 0:23:42And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six.

0:23:42 > 0:23:43Devon's right.

0:23:43 > 0:23:45But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point.

0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Take a point off. - What's wrong with my Neon?

0:23:48 > 0:23:51I don't know. Except the people that make that car don't even like it.

0:23:51 > 0:23:55- So we're back to a five. - Five.

0:23:55 > 0:23:58Meanwhile, this Molly is a hard ten.

0:23:58 > 0:24:00And that five point disparity, that is a "chazum."

0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Chasm? - Yeah.

0:24:02 > 0:24:04Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.

0:24:04 > 0:24:05Where do you get this shit?

0:24:05 > 0:24:08Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.

0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Oh, not even you, huh? - I'm a six, OK?

0:24:11 > 0:24:13Bullshit, you're a six! Then what am I?

0:24:13 > 0:24:15- You're an eight. - OK, fine, you're a six then.

0:24:15 > 0:24:17But I get a one point bump Cos I'm in a band.

0:24:17 > 0:24:20Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band!

0:24:20 > 0:24:24- I'm pretty sure that's a deduction. - Adult Education is a tribute band.

0:24:24 > 0:24:26So that puts me back at a seven.

0:24:26 > 0:24:28On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.

0:24:28 > 0:24:31- What about your crappy car? - Artist's exemption.

0:24:31 > 0:24:32I'm expected to have a shitty car.

0:24:32 > 0:24:35Is there an artist's exemption for talkin' out your ass?

0:24:35 > 0:24:37Yeah. It's called bein' a rock star, Jack.

0:24:37 > 0:24:40Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. Next to "Fuck you!"

0:24:40 > 0:24:43Guys, I think this system's ridiculous.

0:24:43 > 0:24:47All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.

0:24:47 > 0:24:49My God. What, are... Are you Hannah Montana?

0:24:49 > 0:24:53Because nothing you're saying right now is of any help to Kirk.

0:24:53 > 0:24:55PHONE RINGS

0:24:58 > 0:25:00What?!

0:25:02 > 0:25:05Hello? Hello! Hey, Molly.

0:25:05 > 0:25:08I'm well, thank you. How are you?

0:25:08 > 0:25:11First of all, thank you. Yeah, it was great. It was incredible.

0:25:11 > 0:25:13Thank you so much. No...

0:25:17 > 0:25:18Kirky, what'd she say?

0:25:21 > 0:25:23I think she just asked me out.

0:25:23 > 0:25:25Yeah! Way to go, Kirkers!

0:25:28 > 0:25:32Hey, did she say anything, you know, about Wendy thinkin' I'm hot?

0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Oh, no.- Shoot. I wonder if she's on Facebook.

0:25:36 > 0:25:41- Devon, you're on Facebook? - Yeah. I got like 37 friends.

0:25:41 > 0:25:42Oh, cool.

0:25:48 > 0:25:50Moll, what about this for your date tonight?

0:25:50 > 0:25:53Katie, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

0:25:54 > 0:25:57Wait. You have a date with Kirk?

0:25:59 > 0:26:01When do you want the bad date bail-out call?

0:26:01 > 0:26:02I don't want it.

0:26:02 > 0:26:05No, seriously, work emergency or aunt died?

0:26:05 > 0:26:07- I'm not gonna need it. - Whatever.

0:26:09 > 0:26:10What is your problem with Kirk?

0:26:10 > 0:26:13I don't have a problem with Kirk. I have a problem with you dating Kirk.

0:26:13 > 0:26:14Why?

0:26:14 > 0:26:18You dated Cam and got hurt, so you pick a guy like Kirk because he's safe.

0:26:18 > 0:26:21Yeah. Or maybe because he's just a nice guy.

0:26:21 > 0:26:23He's great. I just...

0:26:23 > 0:26:26You and I know he's not the kind of guy you usually end up with.

0:26:26 > 0:26:27Yeah, I know.

0:26:29 > 0:26:31Ah, goddamn it.

0:26:34 > 0:26:35Way to go.

0:26:35 > 0:26:38What happened to you? You look like shit. Besides that.

0:26:38 > 0:26:41I got, like, 30 minutes of sleep last night.

0:26:41 > 0:26:43What do I even say to Molly tonight?

0:26:43 > 0:26:47Like, what, do I just talk about her ridiculous hotness for two hours?

0:26:47 > 0:26:50I don't know. You were pretty smooth at the hockey game.

0:26:50 > 0:26:54Thanks, man. Well, that's because I didn't think I stood a chance in hell,

0:26:54 > 0:26:58but now that she's asked me out I don't get it. It boggles my mind.

0:26:58 > 0:27:00Why would she ask me out?

0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Are you dying? - What?

0:27:02 > 0:27:05You maybe have some rich benefactor in a top hat

0:27:05 > 0:27:07who's trying to set you up before you die.

0:27:07 > 0:27:10Like Great Expectations. Have you read that book?

0:27:10 > 0:27:11- Yeah, man. - It's so weird!

0:27:11 > 0:27:15No, Stainer, I'm not terminally ill. Thank you for your concern.

0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Then that's a brain-teaser, isn't it?- Tell me about it.

0:27:20 > 0:27:22- You know, let's go this way. - Who is that?

0:27:23 > 0:27:24What?

0:27:24 > 0:27:28Nobody. Just some chick that I boned when I was drunk.

0:27:28 > 0:27:30She's a total psycho. Let's go this way.

0:27:30 > 0:27:31- It's quicker. Come on. - What?

0:27:34 > 0:27:37This place is tremendous.

0:27:37 > 0:27:41It's... I'm just trying to think whether or not I've been here before.

0:27:41 > 0:27:44Is this real silver? This is gorgeous stuff.

0:27:46 > 0:27:49It has this lovely terrace area.

0:27:49 > 0:27:53It's open. It's kind of like eating on the Today Show set.

0:27:53 > 0:27:55- Are you nervous? - Yes.

0:28:10 > 0:28:12So you speak French?

0:28:14 > 0:28:18No, barely. I probably just asked for directions to the beach.

0:28:18 > 0:28:22That's amazing. Any other hidden talents I should know about?

0:28:24 > 0:28:27- I'm a lawyer. - You're a lawyer?

0:28:27 > 0:28:29I know. I, well, I'm not real...

0:28:29 > 0:28:32Oh, I'm sorry, one second. I... Ma'am? Ma'am, you... Yeah...

0:28:32 > 0:28:34I'll be right back.

0:28:37 > 0:28:40Excuse me. Ma'am! You forgot your sweater.

0:28:40 > 0:28:42- Thank you. - Thanks again.

0:28:42 > 0:28:45Oh, no, I don't work there.

0:28:45 > 0:28:46I... It isn't...

0:28:46 > 0:28:49- I'm just returning your sweater. - Thank you.

0:28:49 > 0:28:51- Sure. Have a good night. - Thank you.

0:28:54 > 0:28:56- Sorry. - Sorry, buddy.

0:28:56 > 0:28:57- Thank you. - Evening.

0:28:57 > 0:29:01- Evening. - Evening.

0:29:01 > 0:29:03- Evening. - What's up?

0:29:06 > 0:29:09- Cam? - Mol! Hey!

0:29:09 > 0:29:11- Hey! I... - I'll see you guys there.

0:29:11 > 0:29:15- I thought you were still in New York.- Negative. I flew in this morning.

0:29:15 > 0:29:17- Oh, hi. - Hi.

0:29:17 > 0:29:19- Oh, this is Kirk. - Hey.

0:29:19 > 0:29:21- Oh, hey, buddy. Oh, thank you. - Yeah...

0:29:26 > 0:29:28- Can I help you? - Yeah, you bet.

0:29:28 > 0:29:32I'll take an Armagnac. The lady'll have a dirty martini with three olives.

0:29:32 > 0:29:35- Thanks. Her favourite. - I think there's been a mistake.

0:29:35 > 0:29:37- Sorry, friend? - He's with me.

0:29:43 > 0:29:46Honest mistake. Sorry. There you go.

0:29:46 > 0:29:50Please. That's awkward.

0:29:50 > 0:29:53- Cam, this is Kirk. - It's great to meet you, sir.

0:29:53 > 0:29:57Great to meet you, sir. Cam? Is that short for Cameron?

0:29:57 > 0:30:00- No. - Why would it be?

0:30:00 > 0:30:03That's funny. Your friend is funny, Molly.

0:30:03 > 0:30:06- Thank you so much. - Am I gonna see you next week?

0:30:06 > 0:30:10Patty and I are working at the air show and Cam's our liaison guy.

0:30:11 > 0:30:13"Liaison guy." Ouch!

0:30:13 > 0:30:17We were more than that, huh? You see, Molly and I used to date.

0:30:20 > 0:30:23Well, I'm out. It was great to meet you, sir.

0:30:23 > 0:30:25- See you, honey. - All right. Bye.

0:30:26 > 0:30:30Bye, Cam! He seems great. He seems really great.

0:30:30 > 0:30:32- Should we order? OK. - Yeah.

0:30:32 > 0:30:35So I was interning at the law firm. studying for the bar.

0:30:35 > 0:30:37but I just kept thinking...

0:30:39 > 0:30:41Is this what I really want to do with my life?

0:30:41 > 0:30:46And then I volunteered to plan the holiday party, and I loved it.

0:30:46 > 0:30:50And so I quit the firm, went into business with Patty.

0:30:50 > 0:30:54Well, you found somethin' that you love. That's amazing!

0:30:54 > 0:30:56Yeah. Yeah, it is amazing.

0:30:56 > 0:30:58Anyway, I'm bored of me. What about you?

0:30:58 > 0:30:59Oh, me.

0:31:01 > 0:31:03Pittsburgh born and bred.

0:31:04 > 0:31:08I wanted to go to college, but my dad bought a swimming pool instead.

0:31:09 > 0:31:13So my boy, Stainer, hooked me up with my job at TSA

0:31:13 > 0:31:16and the rest is rock 'n' roll history.

0:31:17 > 0:31:21So TSA today. Is there a tomorrow or...?

0:31:21 > 0:31:23Oh, I don't know.

0:31:24 > 0:31:27Some days I'll be at work and I'll look out the window

0:31:27 > 0:31:31and I'll see all those planes takin' off, goin' places, and I think

0:31:31 > 0:31:34I could really do that, you know.

0:31:34 > 0:31:39And it wouldn't matter if it was jetliners or cargo planes or whatever.

0:31:39 > 0:31:44I just would really love that feeling of freedom.

0:31:44 > 0:31:47Yeah. I know what you mean.

0:31:47 > 0:31:50So now you know my big secret.

0:31:50 > 0:31:53- You should do that, Kirk. - Well, thank you.

0:31:53 > 0:31:56It was easy for you to say. You switch jobs at the drop of a hat.

0:31:56 > 0:31:58No! No! Not at all!

0:31:58 > 0:32:00My parents don't even know I quit the firm.

0:32:00 > 0:32:03- What? - Yeah, I know.

0:32:03 > 0:32:05My dad's an old-fashioned guy.

0:32:05 > 0:32:09He's all about security and steady pay cheques.

0:32:11 > 0:32:15And I guess we have a problem with communication, and...

0:32:18 > 0:32:20I would like that not to be the case.

0:32:20 > 0:32:24And maybe, maybe, one day it won't be.

0:32:24 > 0:32:25Yeah.

0:32:25 > 0:32:27PHONE RINGS

0:32:27 > 0:32:29- Do you have to get that? - OK.

0:32:32 > 0:32:34- No, you know what? It's fine. - Really?

0:32:34 > 0:32:35Yeah.

0:32:36 > 0:32:39This is Molly McCleish. I'm sorry I missed your call.

0:32:39 > 0:32:41- Please leave a message... - What?!

0:33:17 > 0:33:19Never been driven home by a waiter before.

0:33:19 > 0:33:24- No. No, nobody usually is. - Oh, right.

0:33:25 > 0:33:27- I had a really nice time. - Yeah?

0:33:27 > 0:33:30- Yeah. - Thank you. Me, too.

0:33:34 > 0:33:37You're not thinking about Cam, are you?

0:33:37 > 0:33:42No. "Cam who?" Is how I feel. No...

0:33:42 > 0:33:46I've completely forgotten how good-looking he is,

0:33:46 > 0:33:51and how beautifully moisturised his skin tones are.

0:33:51 > 0:33:53OK. Well...

0:33:53 > 0:33:55Oh, my seat belt is screwed up.

0:33:55 > 0:33:57Wait, wait. It goes in the goddamn correct...

0:34:11 > 0:34:13- Thank you. - You're welcome.

0:34:13 > 0:34:19She kissed you. She, with her actual mouth, kissed you?

0:34:19 > 0:34:21On purpose?

0:34:21 > 0:34:26- Yeah, yeah, man, I know. - I'm so happy for you, Kirky.

0:34:26 > 0:34:28I'm not. I'm really nervous.

0:34:28 > 0:34:30I mean, it feels like the universe is outta tilt.

0:34:30 > 0:34:33You know? One of us is gonna die.

0:34:33 > 0:34:35What's the next step here? We gonna take this up a notch?

0:34:35 > 0:34:38I'm referring to sexual relations, Devon.

0:34:38 > 0:34:40She's comin' to lunch with my parents on Sunday.

0:34:40 > 0:34:42What? Why? Why would you do that?

0:34:42 > 0:34:45You can't do that, dude. You're jumping six steps!

0:34:45 > 0:34:49Well, I... She asked me. I don't know. What was I supposed to say?

0:34:49 > 0:34:50That takes care of that.

0:34:50 > 0:34:54I mean, 20 minutes with your family and she'll file for a restraining order.

0:34:54 > 0:34:58- We're safe.- Hey, did she say anything about Wendy?

0:34:58 > 0:34:59You know, like, about me?

0:35:09 > 0:35:13OK, move it. Move it, move it, move it, move it.

0:35:13 > 0:35:15- That's what I'm talkin' about. - Mom?

0:35:15 > 0:35:18- That's what I'm talkin' about. - Oh, hi, sweetie!

0:35:28 > 0:35:32- Hi. I'm Kirk's mom. - Hi. I'm Molly.

0:35:32 > 0:35:34- Hi! - Nice!

0:35:34 > 0:35:36- To meet you. - Yes.

0:35:36 > 0:35:38Hi. I'm Molly. Nice to meet you, too.

0:35:38 > 0:35:41- Yeah. Thanks. - Where's your restroom?

0:35:41 > 0:35:44- Right through there.- Thanks. I'm gonna use the restroom.

0:35:44 > 0:35:45- Yeah. - OK.

0:35:45 > 0:35:48- Through there? OK. - Yeah, through there.

0:35:48 > 0:35:50- Oh, we don't flush number ones. - Sorry?

0:35:50 > 0:35:53Nothing! Jesus Christ, Dad! That's...

0:35:53 > 0:35:54- What? - She's a guest.

0:35:54 > 0:35:57- Thought we'd make one exception? - We got very delicate plumbing.

0:35:57 > 0:36:00- I... - Honey. She's really cute!

0:36:00 > 0:36:02- She's beautiful. - All that hair!

0:36:02 > 0:36:04- Yeah. - You wanna watch the Jap show?

0:36:08 > 0:36:11- Nailed it. - Dylan! I...

0:36:11 > 0:36:14I was explicitly told that you wouldn't be here today.

0:36:14 > 0:36:16I thought you were hangin' drywall or somethin'.

0:36:16 > 0:36:18Leroy fired him again.

0:36:18 > 0:36:21Whatever. Like that dick never came to work with a buzz on.

0:36:21 > 0:36:25I brought a girl with me, so I am begging you,

0:36:25 > 0:36:28from the bottom of my heart, please don't be a jerk,

0:36:28 > 0:36:31- and I'll do anything you want. - Slap Shot Regatta.

0:36:33 > 0:36:36How long was I down there for? What's my time? What's my time?

0:36:36 > 0:36:39- Nope. Only 58 seconds. - Damn it!

0:36:39 > 0:36:43- Hey, there, pirate! - So, Ron, you're here.

0:36:43 > 0:36:45- That means that... - Oh, yeah!

0:36:45 > 0:36:48Who wants it? Who wants it? Who wants it? I'll show it!

0:36:48 > 0:36:50- I'll show it! - Yeah!

0:36:50 > 0:36:54Oh, yeah! Stop it, guys.

0:36:54 > 0:36:57- Boner Patrol! - Hey, Kirk.

0:36:57 > 0:37:01Hi, there. Everybody, this is Molly.

0:37:01 > 0:37:03Molly, this is everybody.

0:37:03 > 0:37:08That's my brother, Dylan, his fiancee, Debbie

0:37:08 > 0:37:12and my... Marnie and Ron.

0:37:12 > 0:37:14Hey, everybody!

0:37:19 > 0:37:22- This is when you say, "Hi, Molly.- "

0:37:22 > 0:37:24- Who are you? - She's Molly.

0:37:24 > 0:37:27- Why is she here? - She came with me.

0:37:27 > 0:37:30- You hit her car or something?- Jesus. No, but thank you for asking.

0:37:30 > 0:37:32- You his social worker? - Nope.

0:37:32 > 0:37:34- Shit, are we being evicted? - No.

0:37:34 > 0:37:35- You a hooker? - Dylan!

0:37:35 > 0:37:37- Or a prostitute, I mean? - Oh, my God.

0:37:37 > 0:37:39Kirk and I were having dinner and he said he was

0:37:39 > 0:37:41getting together with his family. It's been a while since I had

0:37:41 > 0:37:44a family dinner, so I hope you don't mind.

0:37:44 > 0:37:48- I just invited myself along. - Well, come on in for a dip, girl!

0:37:48 > 0:37:49- Yeah! - Ron!

0:37:49 > 0:37:51- I don't have a bathing suit. - Wear your underwear.

0:37:51 > 0:37:54- Yeah.- Like a bikini. Covers the good shit.

0:37:54 > 0:37:56- Yeah, underwear is fine. - Ron!

0:37:56 > 0:37:58It's like what they did in the old days.

0:37:58 > 0:38:01Underwear would be fine...

0:38:01 > 0:38:03..if I were wearing any.

0:38:10 > 0:38:13- Lunch is ready! > - I'm comin'!

0:38:16 > 0:38:17Jeez.

0:38:22 > 0:38:25- My mom makes awesome meatloaf. - Oh, cool.

0:38:27 > 0:38:30- After you. - Sure you want another one, Dad?

0:38:30 > 0:38:33What are you, my sponsor? Hit me!

0:38:34 > 0:38:36Ron, honey, I never complimented you on your...

0:38:36 > 0:38:39...on your sweater vest. It's something!

0:38:39 > 0:38:40Here you go.

0:38:40 > 0:38:42Dylan, I think if you just apologised to Leroy,

0:38:42 > 0:38:44- he'll take you back. - No, screw him.

0:38:44 > 0:38:46He's got a foolproof moneymaker on the way.

0:38:46 > 0:38:48You're gonna want to pay attention.

0:38:48 > 0:38:51I know how to make any car into a convertible in 15 minutes.

0:38:51 > 0:38:53- Wow. - Yeah. You know why?

0:38:53 > 0:38:55- No. - Two words: Global warming.

0:38:55 > 0:38:58Actually, Dylan, according to The Day After Tomorrow.

0:38:58 > 0:39:00the film, the Earth actually gets colder.

0:39:00 > 0:39:01Yep.

0:39:03 > 0:39:06What's, what's up... with you? Are you...? These days?

0:39:06 > 0:39:08What? Want me to help you with the gar...?

0:39:08 > 0:39:10Fuck it. You seriously not wearing any underwear?

0:39:10 > 0:39:12- Dylan! - We're all thinkin' it.

0:39:12 > 0:39:16If you want to plan an exit strategy or leave right now, I won't be offended.

0:39:16 > 0:39:18- No, I'm not going anywhere. - What do you do?

0:39:18 > 0:39:20- I'm an event planner. - See?

0:39:20 > 0:39:23That's a business to get into. That's usin' your head.

0:39:23 > 0:39:24- Thank you, Dylan. - No, wait for it.

0:39:24 > 0:39:27Book a band, blow up balloons, people pay out the ass for that, don't they?

0:39:27 > 0:39:29- Yeah.- Yeah, they do.

0:39:29 > 0:39:32SHE COUGHS

0:39:39 > 0:39:41I'm not wearing any underwear.

0:39:45 > 0:39:48Hey, Molly. Molly. Check it out. So Deb and I are gettin' hitched.

0:39:48 > 0:39:50How much cash do you pocket for a wedding?

0:39:50 > 0:39:52Any of this striking you as inappropriate?

0:39:52 > 0:39:55We're making conversation. Don't get your panties in a wad.

0:39:55 > 0:39:57- Jesus. - No, it's fine.

0:39:57 > 0:39:59A lot of factors affect the cost.

0:39:59 > 0:40:01Check it out. We got about 100 peeps coming.

0:40:01 > 0:40:02We're doin' a NASCAR theme in Vegas.

0:40:02 > 0:40:06I'm gonna get this kick-ass dress made outta actual chequered flags,

0:40:06 > 0:40:09like real tight, then Dylan's gonna be in a wicked orange tux

0:40:09 > 0:40:13with a Home Depot logo on the back. What's up, right? Right?

0:40:13 > 0:40:15You've never seen anything like that?

0:40:15 > 0:40:17- Should be extensive. - What's the damage on that?

0:40:17 > 0:40:20My base fee is 15,000. So 100 people...

0:40:20 > 0:40:23I mean, I'd ballpark that somewhere around 50 grand.

0:40:29 > 0:40:30- Fuck you! - Fuck you.

0:40:30 > 0:40:32- What?! - Fuck you!

0:40:32 > 0:40:34- Fuck you! - Fuck you.

0:40:34 > 0:40:36- Fuck you! - Fuck!

0:40:36 > 0:40:39That's a lot of 15 minute convertibles, Dylan?

0:40:39 > 0:40:41Wait, so you make a pretty comfortable living?

0:40:41 > 0:40:42Sometimes.

0:40:42 > 0:40:45You got your head on right. And you don't do underwear.

0:40:45 > 0:40:47What the hell are you doin' with numbnuts?

0:40:47 > 0:40:49- Dylan! - Honey, what?

0:40:49 > 0:40:52- No, hey, whoa, fair question. - That's a fair question?

0:40:52 > 0:40:56- Molly, I am so sorry. - It's fine. You know, I mean...

0:40:57 > 0:41:00Well, I don't... I don't really know.

0:41:00 > 0:41:04No, he makes me laugh. He doesn't try and impress me.

0:41:05 > 0:41:09And I can just be me around him.

0:41:09 > 0:41:11- Oh, that's sweet. - She's a keeper.

0:41:11 > 0:41:14Kirk makes you laugh? You a comedian? I didn't know.

0:41:14 > 0:41:16Tell us a joke there, Sinbad.

0:41:16 > 0:41:18I totally understand what you're talking about.

0:41:18 > 0:41:20The curse of being an attractive woman.

0:41:20 > 0:41:22I mean, men are always putting us on a pedestal,

0:41:22 > 0:41:25expecting us to be something that we're not.

0:41:25 > 0:41:27- "Us?" - Come on, Marnie, get real.

0:41:27 > 0:41:32- What? - OK. You know, Molly,

0:41:32 > 0:41:35we are taking a big family trip out to Branson on the 31st,

0:41:35 > 0:41:38- and I think you two should come. - I think you're wrong.

0:41:38 > 0:41:41- Gotta come to Branson. - I don't think that's a good idea.

0:41:41 > 0:41:43- You should come! - We don't have room.

0:41:43 > 0:41:45- They've got shows. - Kenny Rogers' got his own theatre.

0:41:45 > 0:41:47We'll get a ticket. I'll get you a ticket.

0:41:47 > 0:41:49- Branson's small. - Branson's a big place!

0:41:49 > 0:41:51- Shut up, Ron. - Can we go?

0:41:51 > 0:41:55- It's your call. - OK. Well, I'll see what I can do.

0:41:55 > 0:41:57- Hey, hot dog! - Result!

0:41:57 > 0:41:58All right, relax.

0:41:58 > 0:42:01Molly, I think there's something you should know.

0:42:03 > 0:42:05Kirk and I used to be lovers.

0:42:07 > 0:42:10If you stay with him long enough he'll give you one of these.

0:42:10 > 0:42:12- They're great. - Thank you, Dylan.

0:42:12 > 0:42:14That's mine. It's for my earrings.

0:42:18 > 0:42:19Kirk, you look really good.

0:42:20 > 0:42:24Thank you. You look really... Thank you so much.

0:42:24 > 0:42:27- It was fantastic meeting you! - Oh, you, too.

0:42:27 > 0:42:30You're so special and God, I just...

0:42:32 > 0:42:35- Branson, think about it. - OK.

0:42:35 > 0:42:37OK?

0:42:38 > 0:42:42- She's really great. Later, pirate. - Yeah. Bye, pirate.

0:42:42 > 0:42:45< Maybe you could wrap those potatoes.

0:42:45 > 0:42:48Come on. You're a guest here. You really don't have to do that.

0:42:48 > 0:42:50Oh, I don't mind.

0:42:50 > 0:42:52Ready? You and me, downstairs, Slap Shot Regatta.

0:42:52 > 0:42:55Man, we're not children anymore. Do we really have to do this?

0:42:55 > 0:42:57- Mom! - Kirk, go play with your brother.

0:42:57 > 0:43:00- We need some girl time. - Yeah, you promised.

0:43:00 > 0:43:03- So pad up, chickenshit! - Yeah, I'll see you down there.

0:43:04 > 0:43:07Aw, crap.

0:43:07 > 0:43:08Come on. Let's do this!

0:43:08 > 0:43:11- Let's focus it up. - Left side.

0:43:14 > 0:43:16- That was lucky. - He never saw it, he stopped it.

0:43:18 > 0:43:19Come on, Dylan, give it to him.

0:43:22 > 0:43:25You think you're Mr Hot Shit now with your new chick?

0:43:25 > 0:43:27What? No. Maybe I'm just a bit lucky tonight. I...

0:43:27 > 0:43:29- What are you? - You're not better than me.

0:43:29 > 0:43:32Take a look. All these trophies say Dylan Kettner.

0:43:32 > 0:43:36- First place. First place. MVP. - I don't think I'm better than you.

0:43:36 > 0:43:40I never said that. And maybe Molly's a little better looking than I am.

0:43:40 > 0:43:42A little? Are you shitting me?

0:43:42 > 0:43:45OK, I think we can all agree that Debbie here is one wicked hot box.

0:43:45 > 0:43:46Thanks, babe.

0:43:46 > 0:43:47This chick of yours makes her look like a pig.

0:43:47 > 0:43:50- What? You're an asshole! What?! - See?

0:43:50 > 0:43:52This girlfriend of yours is already startin' shit!

0:43:56 > 0:43:57Did you see that, Mom?!

0:43:59 > 0:44:02One second! Butterfly!

0:44:11 > 0:44:14- I want to have another baby! - No, that's OK, sweetheart.

0:44:14 > 0:44:17OK, boys, it's a tie.

0:44:17 > 0:44:21There are no ties in hockey, as there are no ties in life.

0:44:21 > 0:44:25- True. - Last shot. Winner takes all. Go!

0:44:25 > 0:44:27OK, come on, you can do it. He's got nothing.

0:44:27 > 0:44:30He's got less than nothing. Own it. You can do it.

0:44:30 > 0:44:33Come on, Dylan! Get in the zone! You're still my MVP, baby!

0:44:33 > 0:44:35Kirk's just a skinny little loser!

0:44:35 > 0:44:37- Jesus, Debbie. - Man, I gotta sit down.

0:44:37 > 0:44:39You want to do this? Let's do it.

0:45:13 > 0:45:15- Damn it! - There's always a next time.

0:45:15 > 0:45:17- Fuck it! - Dylan.

0:45:17 > 0:45:21This floor's all slippery! And these shoes are fucked for this!

0:45:21 > 0:45:23- Dylan, hey! Sportsmanship. - Fuck you!

0:45:23 > 0:45:25- Time out. - You guys take a time out

0:45:25 > 0:45:26from bein' assholes!

0:45:28 > 0:45:29Oh, God.

0:45:41 > 0:45:43- I'll get us some wine. - Yeah, cool.

0:45:48 > 0:45:52- This place is gorgeous! - Thank you.

0:45:52 > 0:45:57This kind of reminds me of my place, except for my place is a total shithole.

0:45:57 > 0:46:00This is awesome. How long have you lived...

0:46:00 > 0:46:02- My God! What the fuck is that?! - Oh, that's Captain Pickles.

0:46:02 > 0:46:05I'm watching him while my folks are on vacation.

0:46:05 > 0:46:09What is he? A dog or a fuckin' horse?

0:46:09 > 0:46:10Sit down.

0:46:11 > 0:46:14Wha... Me or the dog?

0:46:14 > 0:46:16You. He doesn't like people standing.

0:46:16 > 0:46:19He feels threatened by it. He gets all, you know, angsty.

0:46:19 > 0:46:25Hey, angsty, that's... No, hey, I come in peace.

0:46:28 > 0:46:29Thank you.

0:46:31 > 0:46:34Chin, chin.

0:46:51 > 0:46:53OK, wait.

0:46:54 > 0:46:56I don't want to move too fast.

0:46:56 > 0:46:59I... No, sure, no problem. No problem.

0:46:59 > 0:47:02No, don't get me wrong. I mean, once I trust a person

0:47:02 > 0:47:07I can experiment and get pretty generous.

0:47:08 > 0:47:10Yeah, yeah, no, me, too. Me, too.

0:47:11 > 0:47:16I... I'm... I love, love, to experiment,

0:47:16 > 0:47:21and I get really generous. I can be very, very generous.

0:47:21 > 0:47:26I am quite the charitable lover.

0:47:45 > 0:47:48I got... Can we stop for two secs?

0:47:48 > 0:47:50No.

0:48:13 > 0:48:15DOORBELL CHIMES >

0:48:15 > 0:48:17- Honey, you there? - Dad?

0:48:17 > 0:48:20"Dad?!" What the...? Oh, dear God!

0:48:20 > 0:48:22Are you in?

0:48:24 > 0:48:27- Hey! - Hi...

0:48:27 > 0:48:29- Hey. - Hey, baby.

0:48:29 > 0:48:30- Shit. - Told you we should call ahead.

0:48:30 > 0:48:32We decided to come back early.

0:48:32 > 0:48:34Thought we'd come by, take the Captain off your hands.

0:48:34 > 0:48:36Hope we aren't interrupting.

0:48:36 > 0:48:39- Who's your little friend? - Oh, God!

0:48:39 > 0:48:43- Well, this is Kirk. - Gerald McCleish. It's a pleasure.

0:48:43 > 0:48:45Yeah.

0:48:47 > 0:48:49- Nope. Nope. - No?

0:48:49 > 0:48:54I don't... God, where are my manners?

0:48:54 > 0:48:58You guys must be exhausted from your travels. Please, hey, have a seat.

0:48:58 > 0:49:01Put your... Put your feet up. Really get into a groove.

0:49:01 > 0:49:03- Thank you. - Sure.

0:49:03 > 0:49:06- That's kind of you. - I think I have that same sweater.

0:49:06 > 0:49:07Really?

0:49:12 > 0:49:15So... that's...

0:49:17 > 0:49:20Uh, no. Oh, Lord.

0:49:20 > 0:49:23Oh, no, Captain Pickles. No. No, Captain.

0:49:25 > 0:49:26Pickles!

0:49:28 > 0:49:30- Kirk? - Excuse me.

0:49:30 > 0:49:33Thank you for having me. This has been a lovely evening.

0:49:36 > 0:49:37Good night.

0:49:46 > 0:49:47Awesome.

0:50:05 > 0:50:08Devon, I'll give you 50 dollars just to curse once.

0:50:08 > 0:50:11- 75. Just say "fuck." - I won't, I won't say it out loud.

0:50:11 > 0:50:14- I'll write it. - That doesn't count!

0:50:14 > 0:50:16- You're gonna what? - I'll write it down.

0:50:16 > 0:50:18That doesn't count! You have to say it out loud.

0:50:18 > 0:50:21- Why doesn't it count? - Say "shit." I'll give you a 100.

0:50:21 > 0:50:24- Hey. - Hey, Kirk.

0:50:24 > 0:50:27My shift doesn't start for another half hour,

0:50:27 > 0:50:29but I was so excited, so I came early.

0:50:29 > 0:50:33Yeah, and it was weird. He said he was really excited and so he came early.

0:50:33 > 0:50:35Yeah. That ever happened to you?

0:50:35 > 0:50:38You're so excited about something that you come early.

0:50:38 > 0:50:41Jesus Christ, you're Fort Knox over here. Thank you very much.

0:50:41 > 0:50:44I didn't mean to tell 'em, Kirky. I'm sorry.

0:50:44 > 0:50:47Come on, he couldn't help it. It just, you know, slipped out.

0:50:47 > 0:50:49- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Thank you.

0:50:49 > 0:50:52Thank you very much. And go fuck yourselves.

0:50:52 > 0:50:54- Hey, guys. - Oh, shit.

0:50:54 > 0:50:56Kirk, can I talk to you for a second?

0:50:57 > 0:51:00- In private. - There are no secrets here, Marnie.

0:51:00 > 0:51:02OK. Well,

0:51:02 > 0:51:08I think I made a little mistake, and I see a change in you,

0:51:08 > 0:51:11and I really like it, so let's get back together!

0:51:11 > 0:51:13Just to try it out. You know?

0:51:16 > 0:51:19That's really interesting.

0:51:19 > 0:51:20No, I don't think so.

0:51:20 > 0:51:23But you broke up with Molly.

0:51:23 > 0:51:26- She cornered me. - Jesus, Devon!

0:51:26 > 0:51:29Look, Marnie, I moved on like you kept telling me to.

0:51:29 > 0:51:32You're here because some other girl has shown interest.

0:51:32 > 0:51:36That's not it! Look, Kirk, I'm really worried about you with her.

0:51:36 > 0:51:38She seems like kind of a bitch.

0:51:38 > 0:51:41So I'm just saying that if you want to get back together,

0:51:41 > 0:51:44- like you begged me before... - Shh...

0:51:44 > 0:51:48...I am even willing to consider breaking up with Ron.

0:51:48 > 0:51:51- What? You're still with Ron. - The pirate?

0:51:51 > 0:51:53Yeah. I'm not gonna risk being all alone just cos

0:51:53 > 0:51:55Kirk doesn't know what's good for him.

0:51:55 > 0:52:01Look, Kirky. Deep down you know it is never gonna work out with you and Molly.

0:52:01 > 0:52:03And I just can't stand to see you get hurt.

0:52:03 > 0:52:08So if that makes me the bad guy... so be it.

0:52:12 > 0:52:13It's embarrassing.

0:52:16 > 0:52:18Jesus Christ.

0:52:18 > 0:52:20Hey.

0:52:21 > 0:52:24Did you just come in your pants again?

0:52:24 > 0:52:26You can tell us. We're your friends. Did you?

0:52:26 > 0:52:28Hey, why would you tell her I broke up with Molly?

0:52:28 > 0:52:30Cos I thought you had.

0:52:30 > 0:52:33- No. We're just in a sticky wicket. - A "sticky wicket?"

0:52:33 > 0:52:35Yeah, a rough patch. Rough pumpkins.

0:52:35 > 0:52:38- How many times have you called her?- Five.

0:52:38 > 0:52:40How many times have you really called her?

0:52:40 > 0:52:43- 17. - It's done, man. Tao of Love.

0:52:43 > 0:52:45- What? - That's what I call it.

0:52:45 > 0:52:50The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature.

0:52:50 > 0:52:53- It's over, man. - No. It's not over.

0:52:53 > 0:52:56Frankly, I'm kinda sick of you guys pretending

0:52:56 > 0:52:59like you know where I'm comin' from. None of you know what I'm goin' through.

0:52:59 > 0:53:03- Tina Jordan does. - Who the hell is Tina Jordan?

0:53:03 > 0:53:06- She was my Molly. - You never mentioned her.

0:53:06 > 0:53:10I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect.

0:53:10 > 0:53:12Yeah, perfect.

0:53:13 > 0:53:14Freckled shoulders.

0:53:15 > 0:53:18Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me.

0:53:18 > 0:53:22I shoulda seen it coming, too, cos she was a ten. Like a hard ten.

0:53:22 > 0:53:27And I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread.

0:53:27 > 0:53:33The universe spoke. And I was depressed for months.

0:53:33 > 0:53:36That's what that was? You said you had mono.

0:53:36 > 0:53:40- Yeah. Mono of the heart. - Oh, my God. How's your vagina?

0:53:40 > 0:53:41Shut up, Jack!

0:53:41 > 0:53:45Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.

0:53:45 > 0:53:47Why don't you look Kirk in the eyes

0:53:47 > 0:53:49and tell him you believe he's gonna end up with Molly.

0:53:49 > 0:53:51- Just tell him that. - Fine.

0:53:51 > 0:53:54Kirky, I truly believe that...

0:53:57 > 0:54:00I mean, I think anything's possible.

0:54:00 > 0:54:02- "Anything is possible?!" - Come on!

0:54:02 > 0:54:04Like, there's a million examples of guys like Kirky

0:54:04 > 0:54:07- endin' up with beautiful women. - Such as?

0:54:07 > 0:54:09- Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. - Right.

0:54:09 > 0:54:12Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.

0:54:12 > 0:54:16Yeah. All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys.

0:54:16 > 0:54:19Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum,

0:54:19 > 0:54:22you can push your meat into any human being you want.

0:54:22 > 0:54:25OK, OK. OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.

0:54:25 > 0:54:28Never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.

0:54:28 > 0:54:30Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.

0:54:30 > 0:54:33He's the master of space and time!

0:54:33 > 0:54:34He knows about black holes and shit.

0:54:34 > 0:54:36What about the President of France

0:54:36 > 0:54:38and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger?

0:54:38 > 0:54:40He knows about wine. And has a French accent.

0:54:40 > 0:54:42Can probably French kiss like a motherfucker!

0:54:42 > 0:54:44- Oh, OK, OK... - Wait a second. The Beast.

0:54:44 > 0:54:48- Who?- The Beast! From Beauty and the Beast?

0:54:48 > 0:54:51Beast won Beauty's love, and he wasn't rich and he wasn't a recording artist.

0:54:51 > 0:54:56- Though he did have an amazing voice. - OK, Devon, that's a cartoon.

0:54:56 > 0:54:58But, yes, that's one. One out of a million.

0:54:58 > 0:55:00You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one.

0:55:00 > 0:55:04Man, you... You guys just sit here and talk about relationships,

0:55:04 > 0:55:07but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married.

0:55:07 > 0:55:10I'm tired of you guys bustin' my nuggets cos I've only been with one girl.

0:55:10 > 0:55:13It's cos she was the right girl! That's why I married her!

0:55:13 > 0:55:16So, Kirky, let me tell you, If Molly's the right girl,

0:55:16 > 0:55:20that's all that matters. You just... You stand up.

0:55:20 > 0:55:23You stand up, you get in front of her. You get right in her grill and you say,

0:55:23 > 0:55:26"Hey, I am Kirk Kettner

0:55:26 > 0:55:29"and I am right here, standin' in front of you...

0:55:31 > 0:55:36"..right here. Here I am. "

0:55:39 > 0:55:42- Somethin' like that. - The power of love.

0:55:42 > 0:55:43Beautiful.

0:55:43 > 0:55:44Very... Perfect.

0:55:44 > 0:55:46Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year.

0:55:46 > 0:55:48I don't know if you guys remember that.

0:55:53 > 0:55:55Look at that.

0:56:16 > 0:56:18Oh, there she is.

0:56:20 > 0:56:24Listen to me, dude. Gotta go, loud and proud, gotta tell her,

0:56:24 > 0:56:27- "Hey, I jizzed in my shorts" you know?- All right...

0:56:27 > 0:56:30No! "That's what I do. OK? It's how I roll. Deal with it."

0:56:30 > 0:56:32You know, I know I don't know...

0:56:32 > 0:56:35I don't know much about this, but that can't be good advice, I'm sorry.

0:56:35 > 0:56:39- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.- You have nothing to be embarrassed of.

0:56:39 > 0:56:43If anything, you paid her a compliment. Right?

0:56:44 > 0:56:46- Yeah. - Trust it.

0:56:46 > 0:56:48Here goes nothin'.

0:56:50 > 0:56:52Oh, shit, Molly. Six o'clock.

0:56:55 > 0:56:57- Hey, Molly. - Hey.

0:56:58 > 0:57:01- Did you get my messages? - Yeah, yeah, I got them, Kirk.

0:57:03 > 0:57:06What the hell happened the other night?

0:57:06 > 0:57:08You act like a freak with Captain Pickles,

0:57:08 > 0:57:10you won't shake my father's hand when we had a whole conversation

0:57:10 > 0:57:12about how he was old-fashioned!

0:57:12 > 0:57:14Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry.

0:57:14 > 0:57:17I spent a whole day with your entire family,

0:57:17 > 0:57:20and you can't even spend 30 seconds with mine.

0:57:20 > 0:57:23- I mean, that's a pretty big red flag.- It is not a red flag, Molly.

0:57:23 > 0:57:25Oh, Kirk, I can't do this here.

0:57:25 > 0:57:30- I'm working, and... - OK. Sorry.

0:57:40 > 0:57:42I ejaculated in my pants.

0:57:53 > 0:57:58We were getting sort of hot and nasty, you know...

0:57:58 > 0:58:02It's not every day that I have a super-hot girl

0:58:02 > 0:58:06grinding on top of me, and I got a little too excited and,

0:58:06 > 0:58:09before I know it, your parents are in the room and I'm there

0:58:09 > 0:58:15with just a big friggin' oyster in my shorts.

0:58:18 > 0:58:22Right. Sorry. Sorry.

0:58:31 > 0:58:34I mean, I'll say this for him. He's honest.

0:58:34 > 0:58:39So thanks for the advice. That went horribly.

0:58:39 > 0:58:42Enjoy the air show, boys. I'm going to go...

0:58:44 > 0:58:47No guy in his right mind would ever make that up.

0:58:47 > 0:58:49Right?

0:58:49 > 0:58:51You should probably go talk to him.

0:58:51 > 0:58:55- Yeah. - Just wait one second.

0:58:55 > 0:58:57And... here she comes.

0:58:58 > 0:59:00- Kirk! - Yes!

0:59:00 > 0:59:02Yeah.

0:59:02 > 0:59:05She told him a joke or somethin'. Something's funny.

0:59:05 > 0:59:08They're ki... They're gonna ki... They're kissing! Yes!

0:59:08 > 0:59:11- You're like Yoda. - Yeah, I know.

0:59:11 > 0:59:15Like Sex Yoda. "The Force is strong with you, Jack."

0:59:15 > 0:59:18Trust the system. It takes care of itself.

0:59:19 > 0:59:21- Ah, that went well. - Kinda.

0:59:24 > 0:59:26She sure is somethin', isn't she?

0:59:28 > 0:59:30- It's Kirk, right? - Oh, God. Hi, Cam.

0:59:30 > 0:59:32Excellent to see you again, sir.

0:59:32 > 0:59:35Listen, Kirk. Can I talk to you for a second?

0:59:35 > 0:59:37Yeah, I guess so. See ya.

0:59:38 > 0:59:42Listen, Kirk. I understand that fellas, such as yourself,

0:59:42 > 0:59:45have uniquely candid relationships with the women that they befriend,

0:59:45 > 0:59:48- am I right? - Fellas such as myself?

0:59:48 > 0:59:51Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with your lifestyle.

0:59:51 > 0:59:55What two or more grown men do in the privacy of their own home,

0:59:55 > 0:59:56hell, it's of no concern to me.

0:59:56 > 0:59:59I don't know what Molly's told you about me, all right?

0:59:59 > 1:00:02If she said anything bad, let's face it, I probably deserve it.

1:00:02 > 1:00:06- Actually, Cam, we haven't...- God is my witness, I'll get her back.

1:00:06 > 1:00:07Cool.

1:00:07 > 1:00:10Can I count on you to put in a good word for me, Elton John?

1:00:10 > 1:00:14- Yeah, whatever gets this over with. - You're the man, Kirk. Bring it in.

1:00:14 > 1:00:18- Yeah, yeah, you got it. - Oh! You feel that tolerance?

1:00:18 > 1:00:19HE SNIFFS

1:00:19 > 1:00:22Man, you gays smell good. That's good.

1:00:22 > 1:00:24This is awesome! Does anybody have a camera?

1:00:24 > 1:00:27- Stainer.- What?

1:00:27 > 1:00:30Wait a minute, dude. Does that, does that say...?

1:00:30 > 1:00:32Yep, I think it does.

1:00:32 > 1:00:37- Jesus, man. Goddamn it. - Did you guys get a picture?

1:00:37 > 1:00:40By the way, Kirk, you can do better than these guys.

1:00:40 > 1:00:44I mean, this one is kinda cute, but the other two... Oof!

1:00:44 > 1:00:46Show some pride, pal.

1:00:50 > 1:00:52'Pittsburgh tower.

1:00:52 > 1:00:55'Foot Long, you are cleared for takeoff on runway two-zero.

1:00:58 > 1:01:01'Roger that, tower. Turn and burn.'

1:01:01 > 1:01:03Honestly, I'd have sex with that guy.

1:01:05 > 1:01:07Yeah, I would.

1:01:09 > 1:01:13TAL BACHMAN: # Cos she's so high!

1:01:13 > 1:01:17# High above me, she's so lovely

1:01:17 > 1:01:20# She's so high!

1:01:20 > 1:01:28# Like Cleopatra Joan of Arc or Aphrodite... #

1:01:34 > 1:01:38# She's so high, high above me

1:01:40 > 1:01:46# I know where I belong and nothing's gonna happen, yeah, yeah

1:01:46 > 1:01:48# Yeah, yeah!

1:01:48 > 1:01:52# Cos she's so high!

1:01:52 > 1:01:56# High above me, she's so lovely

1:01:56 > 1:02:00# She's so high!

1:02:00 > 1:02:03- # High above me...- #

1:02:08 > 1:02:10So how's your sister doin'?

1:02:10 > 1:02:13She turns 21 next week and she's, I don't know,

1:02:13 > 1:02:16she still has no sense of direction.

1:02:16 > 1:02:17You know? She's coming over for dinner,

1:02:17 > 1:02:19and I really want to give her advice,

1:02:19 > 1:02:22but I don't know what to say to her, you know?

1:02:22 > 1:02:25So what do you... You don't know what to say to her?

1:02:25 > 1:02:28She's only 20. She's not 30. And she's not you.

1:02:28 > 1:02:33You know? When I was 20, I did not have my act together, man.

1:02:33 > 1:02:36I mean, look at this kid now.

1:02:36 > 1:02:39I'm in TSA. I am livin' the dream.

1:02:40 > 1:02:42You're right. Maybe I am being too hard on her.

1:02:42 > 1:02:46And, I'm sorry, but she's comin' over for dinner?

1:02:46 > 1:02:49She's turning 21! You gotta throw her a party.

1:02:49 > 1:02:52I mean, that's what you do for a living, right? You throw parties?

1:02:54 > 1:02:57I can't believe I never thought of that.

1:02:57 > 1:02:59- That's a really good idea. - Thanks.

1:02:59 > 1:03:03Ten dates and you can't seal the deal? What's wrong with you?

1:03:03 > 1:03:07Listen to me. Things with Molly are good, right? They're back on track.

1:03:07 > 1:03:10You have gotta recover from your little oopsie-daisy,

1:03:10 > 1:03:13little early-bird special. Gotta get back in that ring.

1:03:13 > 1:03:16It's just terrifying, frankly,

1:03:16 > 1:03:20the idea of me naked

1:03:20 > 1:03:25- in front of her... also naked. - But what's to be terrified of?

1:03:25 > 1:03:27Because you've done your prep work, right?

1:03:27 > 1:03:29Yeah... I think she likes me.

1:03:29 > 1:03:31- She really likes you.- Thank you.

1:03:31 > 1:03:35That's cute. Yeah, good. But it's not at all what I'm talking about.

1:03:35 > 1:03:40A girl like Molly, hot as shit, manicured from fuckin' head to toe.

1:03:40 > 1:03:43- Yeah.- Right? - What the hell are you talking about?

1:03:43 > 1:03:46- Listen, I'm talkin' about this, all right?- Uh-huh.

1:03:46 > 1:03:50- I'm talkin' about this.- Your chin. - And I'm talkin' about this.

1:03:50 > 1:03:52- UNZIPS HIS FLY Oh, jeez!- No, no, no!

1:03:52 > 1:03:57- Look, guys!- Jack!- This is fine. Cos this is clean. It's organised.

1:03:57 > 1:04:00It's kind of Japanese-looking, to be honest.

1:04:00 > 1:04:02Whatever you do, don't look directly at it.

1:04:02 > 1:04:04I'll bet you Cam's balls look like this.

1:04:04 > 1:04:08It's like a baby. It's just smooth. It's a look that says,

1:04:08 > 1:04:10"Hey, you can put your mouth here."

1:04:10 > 1:04:13- He is... He just moved. - It's just a thought.

1:04:13 > 1:04:15Just tryin' to help, that's all.

1:04:15 > 1:04:17All right, Stainer, let's get outta here.

1:04:17 > 1:04:21- Yeah, I'm hungry. I gotta go eat. - Hey, Kirky. Prep work.

1:04:21 > 1:04:23You hear me? Out.

1:04:29 > 1:04:31DOOR CLOSES

1:04:45 > 1:04:46God.

1:04:48 > 1:04:49OK.

1:04:57 > 1:04:58Here goes nothin'.

1:05:02 > 1:05:03Oh, ow!

1:05:03 > 1:05:06Shoot! Kirky! Kirky!

1:05:06 > 1:05:08We shoulda done a hot towel.

1:05:08 > 1:05:11You know, like those old-timey barbershops?

1:05:11 > 1:05:14- Helps raise the hairs. - I don't like this!

1:05:14 > 1:05:18Kirk, if you want to abort the mission, that's completely cool.

1:05:18 > 1:05:22I don't... I can't really abort the mission right now.

1:05:22 > 1:05:26I've shaved approximately one-third of my balls.

1:05:26 > 1:05:29I'll look pretty fuckin' stupid if I stop now!

1:05:29 > 1:05:31Did you shave one ball and then the other ball,

1:05:31 > 1:05:34- or are you workin' top to bottom? - Shut up, shut up!

1:05:34 > 1:05:39You shut up. I mean, seriously, just shave it like your face!

1:05:39 > 1:05:40I can't do it like my face!

1:05:40 > 1:05:43My face doesn't have two testicles sticking out of it!

1:05:43 > 1:05:46If it did, I would grow a pretty thick goddamn beard.

1:05:46 > 1:05:47Kirk.

1:05:49 > 1:05:50Kirk?

1:05:52 > 1:05:54- Do you need a hand? - Oh, motherf...!

1:05:54 > 1:05:57ELECTRIC RAZOR WHINES

1:05:57 > 1:05:59HAIRS CRUNCH

1:06:03 > 1:06:04There we go.

1:06:07 > 1:06:09So how is this not gay?

1:06:09 > 1:06:12I think there's nothing gay about it. The fact that

1:06:12 > 1:06:15you're lettin' a straight married man shave your testicles...

1:06:15 > 1:06:18I think that makes you one of the most macho guys alive.

1:06:19 > 1:06:21There is some logic in that.

1:06:21 > 1:06:24Thank you. You know what? Can you pick that up?

1:06:24 > 1:06:25Can you pick 'em up for me?

1:06:25 > 1:06:27There it is.

1:06:31 > 1:06:33That's a lot. OK, drop 'em.

1:06:37 > 1:06:38Voila!

1:06:45 > 1:06:47Ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow!

1:06:47 > 1:06:49Take a look!

1:06:50 > 1:06:52What do you think?

1:06:52 > 1:06:54Devon!

1:06:55 > 1:06:56It looks fucking huge!

1:07:01 > 1:07:04# My friends wonder why I call you all the time

1:07:04 > 1:07:08# What can I say? Yeah, yeah

1:07:09 > 1:07:15# Well, I don't feel the need to give such secrets away

1:07:16 > 1:07:19# Well, you think maybe I need help

1:07:19 > 1:07:23# Though I know I'm right, all right

1:07:24 > 1:07:26# I'm just better off

1:07:26 > 1:07:31# Not listening to friends' advice

1:07:31 > 1:07:35# When they insist on knowing my bliss

1:07:35 > 1:07:37# La, la-la! La, la-la!

1:07:37 > 1:07:39# I tell them this

1:07:39 > 1:07:43# When they want to know what the reason is

1:07:43 > 1:07:47# I only smile when I lie Then I tell them why

1:07:47 > 1:07:50- # Because your kiss - Your kiss is on my list

1:07:50 > 1:07:54- # Because your kiss - Your kiss I can't resist

1:07:54 > 1:07:57# Because your kiss is on my list

1:07:57 > 1:08:01# Of the best things in life

1:08:01 > 1:08:02# Because your kiss... #

1:08:02 > 1:08:05CHEERING

1:08:09 > 1:08:12All right, everybody, give it up one more time for Adult Education!

1:08:12 > 1:08:14CHEERING

1:08:14 > 1:08:17Awesome stuff. They're going to play some more Hall and Oates for us,

1:08:17 > 1:08:21and maybe some other old favourites from some other artists? No?

1:08:21 > 1:08:25- MAN:- You're kidding me. - Nope. Just...more Hall and Oates.

1:08:25 > 1:08:29Everybody, let's raise a glass to Patty and Molly for throwing,

1:08:29 > 1:08:33by far, the coolest party I've ever personally been invited to.

1:08:33 > 1:08:35Great job, girls. Let's hear it for Patty and Molly!

1:08:35 > 1:08:38CHEERING

1:08:38 > 1:08:42And now, to the gorgeous birthday girl, Katie McCleish.

1:08:42 > 1:08:44You're 21 years old now.

1:08:44 > 1:08:47What else can I say? Let life come to you.

1:08:47 > 1:08:49- Happy birthday, Katie! - Thank you.

1:08:50 > 1:08:52All right, guys, enjoy the party.

1:08:52 > 1:08:54- Can you hold this for me?- Why?

1:08:54 > 1:08:57Better with my jacket off. Just ditch that somewhere.

1:08:57 > 1:08:59What? What am I supposed to do with this?

1:08:59 > 1:09:01OK, now we're gonna take it down. A lot.

1:09:01 > 1:09:04You're totally gonna jump his bones tonight, aren't you?

1:09:04 > 1:09:06I don't know. Maybe.

1:09:06 > 1:09:08- # We can solve any problem... # - Hey.- Hey.

1:09:08 > 1:09:11I think it's time for you to dance with me.

1:09:11 > 1:09:15- SHE LAUGHS - # Why do we lose so many tears? #

1:09:18 > 1:09:20Hey, Devon! Wendy, remember?

1:09:20 > 1:09:23No. No, I don't. I... Aw, shoot.

1:09:23 > 1:09:26I think this is the first time we're meeting. Ever!

1:09:26 > 1:09:29- OK.- This is my wife, Karen. - I'm Karen.- Wendy.

1:09:29 > 1:09:31BOTH: Nice to meet you. THEY LAUGH

1:09:31 > 1:09:33HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

1:09:33 > 1:09:35That's good.

1:09:35 > 1:09:38- OK, I'm gonna...- OK.

1:09:38 > 1:09:41# Every time you go away... #

1:09:41 > 1:09:42What?

1:09:42 > 1:09:46# You take a piece of me with you... #

1:09:48 > 1:09:50- Oh, there's my parents!- What?

1:09:51 > 1:09:54Hey! Hey, let's go meet them.

1:09:54 > 1:09:56She's with that fuckin' asshole.

1:09:58 > 1:10:01- Hi!- Hi!- Darling! - Hey, baby...- Dad, hi.

1:10:01 > 1:10:05- You remember Kirk. - Yeah, how could we forget? Yeah.

1:10:05 > 1:10:09- Oh, this time we...?- Hi there.

1:10:09 > 1:10:14Mr and Mrs McCleish, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry.

1:10:14 > 1:10:16The last time we met wasn't exactly

1:10:16 > 1:10:18the world's greatest first impression.

1:10:18 > 1:10:22- No, it certainly was not.- I promise you that I will grow on you.

1:10:22 > 1:10:27- I hear this party was all your idea. - No, no. This is all Molly's.

1:10:27 > 1:10:29Hey, what line of work are you in, son?

1:10:29 > 1:10:32It's kind of a long story. I grew up with my...

1:10:32 > 1:10:34- Kirk's in aviation. - Another pilot?- Really?

1:10:34 > 1:10:37Oh, Molly likes the flyboys. Just like your mother.

1:10:37 > 1:10:40I flew choppers back in Nam, Saigon. Evacuation, April, '75...

1:10:40 > 1:10:43He's been pushing Molly to take flying lessons.

1:10:43 > 1:10:47- After she passes the bar. - Yeah. Flying!

1:10:47 > 1:10:49Hey, now here's a pilot! How are ya?!

1:10:49 > 1:10:51- You son of a bitch! - Boy, good to see you!

1:10:51 > 1:10:53Good to see you. Lucille, don't you look lovely.

1:10:53 > 1:10:55- Hello, Cam.- What?- Kirky!

1:10:55 > 1:10:58I didn't think you were gonna be here.

1:10:58 > 1:11:00You bet. You know, Ger and Lucille invited me.

1:11:00 > 1:11:04- What a pleasant surprise! - Target acquired.

1:11:04 > 1:11:06- Cam... How's it going?- Mol.

1:11:06 > 1:11:08Have you seen Katie? Let's go see Katie.

1:11:08 > 1:11:11- OK. I'm... See you down there. - Good to see you again, kid.

1:11:11 > 1:11:14Nice to see you...sir. I'll see you down there.

1:11:23 > 1:11:25Mind if I join you?

1:11:26 > 1:11:30So Molly just explained all about you two,

1:11:30 > 1:11:33and I gotta admit I feel like a jackass.

1:11:33 > 1:11:35Don't worry about it, man...

1:11:35 > 1:11:39It's all good. I thought you were gay, too.

1:11:42 > 1:11:46- Just joking. I'm just joking. - You are funny.

1:11:46 > 1:11:48- Thank you.- All right, then...

1:11:49 > 1:11:52Take good care of her. She's a special girl.

1:11:52 > 1:11:56- Yeah, she's perfect. - Oh, yeah, about that...

1:11:56 > 1:11:59Don't really call her that. She doesn't like it.

1:11:59 > 1:12:02And, besides, she's not exactly perfect anyway, right?

1:12:02 > 1:12:04What do you mean?

1:12:05 > 1:12:07All right, listen.

1:12:10 > 1:12:12Don't let it creep you out, OK?

1:12:12 > 1:12:16I mean, the first time I saw her little defect...

1:12:16 > 1:12:19Woof! I'll admit it gave me the willies.

1:12:19 > 1:12:22But it might not bother you. Who knows?

1:12:22 > 1:12:26All right? And even if it does, just try to be cool, you know,

1:12:26 > 1:12:29and you'll get used to it, all right? Good luck.

1:12:29 > 1:12:31No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

1:12:31 > 1:12:34Please, this is... This is very important.

1:12:35 > 1:12:39- Birth defect? What is it? - I can't tell you that, man.

1:12:39 > 1:12:43That's somethin' you're gonna have to figure out for yourself.

1:12:43 > 1:12:44I'm out.

1:12:48 > 1:12:50Interesting.

1:13:09 > 1:13:12- OK, your turn.- Yeah.

1:13:21 > 1:13:24Oh, shit.

1:13:24 > 1:13:28I haven't really been hittin' the gym as much as I should lately.

1:13:28 > 1:13:30It's OK.

1:13:40 > 1:13:41Holy Moses.

1:14:06 > 1:14:09- Interesting. - What, what? What?

1:14:09 > 1:14:10Nothing. Nothing.

1:14:18 > 1:14:20What's wrong?

1:14:20 > 1:14:25It's been a while and I'm not very experienced sex-wise.

1:14:25 > 1:14:29- Kirk, please. Your balls are shaved. - Oh, I know. I know.

1:14:30 > 1:14:33It's kind of a new thing I'm trying out. It's a bad idea. It's...

1:14:33 > 1:14:35I feel like I'm 11.

1:14:35 > 1:14:38What if I show you something I'm self-conscious about?

1:14:38 > 1:14:40- Oh, that would be amazing.- OK.

1:14:43 > 1:14:47- Promise me you won't laugh. - No, I, I... I promise.

1:14:47 > 1:14:49OK.

1:14:54 > 1:14:56What am I looking at?

1:15:02 > 1:15:03That's it?

1:15:04 > 1:15:07- That's your big defect? - Webbed toes is not a defect!

1:15:07 > 1:15:10Yeah, no shit webbed toes is not a defect!

1:15:10 > 1:15:14I was expecting some kind of pulsating growth

1:15:14 > 1:15:16or a cluster of lumps...

1:15:18 > 1:15:23..or like a little dick that, I don't know, talked.

1:15:23 > 1:15:27All you got is it's inconvenient for you to wear flip-flops?

1:15:27 > 1:15:31Who told you I have a defect? Cam?

1:15:31 > 1:15:34Well, yeah. And as far as I can tell,

1:15:34 > 1:15:38that's the only thing separating you from perfect.

1:15:40 > 1:15:43You think I'm too perfect? So you were hoping

1:15:43 > 1:15:47there was something wrong with me so you could be with me.

1:15:47 > 1:15:50Look at the evidence, Molly.

1:15:50 > 1:15:51It's...

1:15:52 > 1:15:56I'm unattractive, I'm out of shape, I'm uncoordinated,

1:15:56 > 1:16:00I've never been to Europe, I'm not a college graduate, I drive a Neon...

1:16:00 > 1:16:04- I like your Neon. - Oh, God, come on, Molly, look at me.

1:16:04 > 1:16:09I'm a five. This is a five. Hard five.

1:16:09 > 1:16:12You can't jump more than two points.

1:16:12 > 1:16:14It's the Tao of Love. Everybody knows that.

1:16:14 > 1:16:16Even if you were a nine, and I was in a band,

1:16:16 > 1:16:20- but no, you're a hard ten. - What are you talking about?

1:16:22 > 1:16:26Do you even know how hot you are? No, you probably think

1:16:26 > 1:16:30that everybody gets free shit everywhere they go,

1:16:30 > 1:16:34and everybody's happy and nice to each other in shiny, happy Hot Town,

1:16:34 > 1:16:37with you and all your hot friends and ex-boyfriends,

1:16:37 > 1:16:40but I hate to break it to you, it's not the same for the rest of us.

1:16:40 > 1:16:45OK, Kirk. You clearly have some major self-esteem issues.

1:16:45 > 1:16:48You lied about me to your parents right in front of me!

1:16:48 > 1:16:51- No, I didn't! - "Kirk's in aviation?"

1:16:51 > 1:16:56That's like saying the guy who shovels elephant shit at the circus

1:16:56 > 1:17:01is in show business. No, he's just the elephant shit guy.

1:17:01 > 1:17:03That's me. I'm that guy.

1:17:03 > 1:17:06I'm never gonna be a pilot. And I am happy with that.

1:17:06 > 1:17:08And I'm fine with that, too.

1:17:08 > 1:17:12And I was fine with you up until about three minutes ago.

1:17:12 > 1:17:15That's... I'm so glad that you were "fine" with me.

1:17:15 > 1:17:18You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe you are a five.

1:17:18 > 1:17:22You know why? No self-esteem, deduct a point.

1:17:22 > 1:17:24Every time someone walks into a room

1:17:24 > 1:17:27you compare yourself to them, deduct a point.

1:17:27 > 1:17:30You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it,

1:17:30 > 1:17:31deduct a point. How are we doing?

1:17:31 > 1:17:33Oh, yeah.

1:17:34 > 1:17:37Hoping that I have a defect that you can work with?

1:17:39 > 1:17:41Deduct whatever's left.

1:17:43 > 1:17:47I'm outta here. Webbed fucking feet. Are you kidding me?

1:17:47 > 1:17:48- Kirk!- Hey, do me a favour.

1:17:48 > 1:17:51- Tell Foot Long I said hi. - He's my ex-boyfriend, Kirk. Ex!

1:17:51 > 1:17:54- Know why we broke up? - Because you guys couldn't decide

1:17:54 > 1:17:57- which one of you was hotter? - No. Because he behaved

1:17:57 > 1:18:00exactly like you're behaving right now. He couldn't handle it.

1:18:00 > 1:18:03He thought I was perfect, he had me on a pedestal

1:18:03 > 1:18:04that I couldn't possibly live up to!

1:18:04 > 1:18:07Oh, and one other little thing? He cheated on me.

1:18:07 > 1:18:11After that I said to myself, "I won't date guys like that anymore."

1:18:11 > 1:18:14Wait... "Guys like that?" So, what, you're just...

1:18:14 > 1:18:16- You were gonna date guys like me? - Is that what you wanna hear?

1:18:16 > 1:18:19- That I asked you out cos you're safe?- Keep goin'.

1:18:19 > 1:18:22That I thought that a guy who looks like you wouldn't hurt me?

1:18:22 > 1:18:25Is that what you want to hear, Kirk? Are you happy now?

1:18:27 > 1:18:28Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

1:18:31 > 1:18:32Kirk!

1:18:38 > 1:18:41- NEWTON FAULKNER:- # And I know now

1:18:41 > 1:18:45# Who I am

1:18:48 > 1:18:51# Yeah, yeah, yeah

1:18:51 > 1:18:55# There's a place I go when I'm alone... #

1:18:55 > 1:18:59- Fuck! - # Hold it close, won't let this go

1:18:59 > 1:19:03# Dream catch me, yeah... #

1:19:03 > 1:19:08- SHE SOBS - # Dream catch me when I fall

1:19:08 > 1:19:13# Or else I won't come back at all. #

1:19:16 > 1:19:19'Six-Delta-Bravo, flight cleared to land. Runway two-two.'

1:19:20 > 1:19:24- # Because your kiss, your kiss is on my lips...- #

1:19:24 > 1:19:27- List. It's list. - No, it's not. It's lips.

1:19:27 > 1:19:30- It's list.- "Your kiss is on my lips." Why'd it be list?

1:19:30 > 1:19:34- It's on my list of the best things in life.- Stainer.- What?- Hey.

1:19:34 > 1:19:38Oh, hey, Kirk. Where have you been? Here. Tune it.

1:19:41 > 1:19:43Oh, shit.

1:19:43 > 1:19:45So you're all "Branson bound", huh?

1:19:45 > 1:19:50Yeah. They were Marnie's idea.

1:19:50 > 1:19:52OK, Kirky, let's go.

1:19:52 > 1:19:54- OK, I'll see you guys later.- Relax.

1:19:54 > 1:19:56The Branson flight's not for another 45 minutes.

1:19:56 > 1:19:59I could just meet you down at the gate.

1:19:59 > 1:20:00OK.

1:20:00 > 1:20:03WOMAN: Everybody together? Got everything?

1:20:04 > 1:20:07Wow, so you're really back with Marnie.

1:20:08 > 1:20:10Hey, fellas.

1:20:10 > 1:20:13Hand it over, dumb-ass. No liquids over 3.4 ounces.

1:20:15 > 1:20:18Good call. Hey, pirate, can you spot me a 20?

1:20:18 > 1:20:21I want to get one of those scented neck pillows.

1:20:22 > 1:20:23Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.

1:20:23 > 1:20:26- Here you go.- Thanks, bro. - Yeah, you got it.

1:20:28 > 1:20:29Are you kidding me?

1:20:29 > 1:20:33This might seem crazy, but he and I actually have a lot in common, so...

1:20:33 > 1:20:34- Oh, fuck!- Sorry.

1:20:35 > 1:20:38You don't have anything in common with any of those people, man.

1:20:38 > 1:20:41Look at me. You OK?

1:20:44 > 1:20:48Do you think I really want to be Branson bound?

1:20:49 > 1:20:50I don't.

1:20:51 > 1:20:57The whole time you told me I wasn't good enough, you were right.

1:20:57 > 1:21:01So this is my life. I gotta go.

1:21:01 > 1:21:03Marnie's waiting for me.

1:21:03 > 1:21:07- See ya, guys.- Yeah. - See you later, Kirky.- See you.

1:21:10 > 1:21:12What?

1:21:14 > 1:21:16What?

1:21:25 > 1:21:28Goddamn it. Tina Jordan.

1:21:28 > 1:21:29Here.

1:21:34 > 1:21:38That's a large Coke, a fry and some ketchup...

1:21:38 > 1:21:41- Mary J Blige!- Hey, Wendell.

1:21:41 > 1:21:44Tina, I need to know, right now, why it didn't work out with us.

1:21:44 > 1:21:46- I have customers. - This is important, OK?

1:21:46 > 1:21:50This is important. I was good to you, right? I mean, I was sensitive.

1:21:50 > 1:21:53Remember when you got the flu? I didn't party at all that weekend.

1:21:53 > 1:21:55Remember? Remember the leg massages?

1:21:55 > 1:21:59Remember when I used to run my hand down your back? Like that?

1:21:59 > 1:22:01Remember when I nursed that baby bird to health?

1:22:01 > 1:22:04Little Timothy? He died.

1:22:04 > 1:22:07Christ on a corndog. Tammy, can you cover for me?

1:22:07 > 1:22:09- Yeah, sure.- Thanks, Tammy.

1:22:09 > 1:22:13Whatever, Wendell. Can I help the next person in line, please?

1:22:13 > 1:22:15I really liked you, but all that stuff about

1:22:15 > 1:22:17I'm a ten and you're only a six?

1:22:17 > 1:22:19- Seven.- Fine.

1:22:19 > 1:22:22But you were all up in my beeswax checking to see if I'd dump you.

1:22:22 > 1:22:24But you did dump me!

1:22:24 > 1:22:27Why don't you just admit I was never good enough for you?

1:22:27 > 1:22:30Wendell, you were plenty good enough for me.

1:22:30 > 1:22:32You were just never good enough for you.

1:22:34 > 1:22:35Oh, shit.

1:22:36 > 1:22:39I'm gonna need some gravy fries when I get back.

1:22:42 > 1:22:44Would you put your seat forward, please?

1:22:44 > 1:22:47- Tom fuckin' Wopat, bro. Told you. - Tray table.

1:22:48 > 1:22:52- Kirky, look at David Archuleta. - Can I help you?- TSA. Excuse me. >

1:22:52 > 1:22:54- You have no authority. - You better believe I do.

1:22:54 > 1:22:57All right, everybody, listen up! TSA! I apologise.

1:22:57 > 1:23:00This guy's drunk as fuck. He shit his pants. It's very embarrassing.

1:23:00 > 1:23:03We have to get him off. I'll have to have you come with me.

1:23:03 > 1:23:06- Jesus Christ. What are you doin'? - I was wrong about you and Molly.

1:23:06 > 1:23:09We gotta fix it. Just act drunk. ..Thank you. TSA. Come on.

1:23:09 > 1:23:12Believe it or not, this has nothin' to do with you.

1:23:12 > 1:23:13- Sir!- It's not about me.

1:23:13 > 1:23:16I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the aircraft.

1:23:16 > 1:23:18I'm gonna have to ask you to exit my personal space.

1:23:18 > 1:23:21- Stainer! - Fuck off! Sorry, that's yours.

1:23:21 > 1:23:23You're gonna get arrested by the Department of Homeland Security.

1:23:23 > 1:23:25They're gonna send you to Guantanamo Bay.

1:23:25 > 1:23:27Yeah. I like Cuba. I like mojitos.

1:23:27 > 1:23:29You don't wanna go to Branson with A-holes!

1:23:29 > 1:23:32- He call us A-holes? - Look at them. That one's pregnant.

1:23:32 > 1:23:34- That guy's got hair in the front. - Dude...

1:23:34 > 1:23:36Sweetheart, remember the baby.

1:23:36 > 1:23:39- I'm doin' this for the baby. - Don't be a hero!

1:23:39 > 1:23:41- How's this work? Seat belt person! - Stop. We have a...

1:23:41 > 1:23:44They are my family. And I'm with Marnie now.

1:23:44 > 1:23:46Marnie is an evil bitch. All due respect.

1:23:46 > 1:23:49Kirk! Hit him!

1:23:49 > 1:23:51- At least say something. - Let's go.

1:23:51 > 1:23:53OK. I was right about Molly. She's a ten, OK? A hard ten.

1:23:53 > 1:23:56- My God.- I was wrong about you. You're a ten.

1:23:56 > 1:23:59- You can't settle for a three.- Two. - Arguably a two.- Come on, let's go.

1:23:59 > 1:24:02You're the best guy I know. I won't let you end up with her.

1:24:02 > 1:24:04- You're a ten!- Come on. - Listen! You're a ten!

1:24:04 > 1:24:06You're a ten! Kirk, don't do it!

1:24:06 > 1:24:08I'm not going! I'm not going!

1:24:08 > 1:24:11- OK, this is not good. - All right, I'm going.

1:24:11 > 1:24:12Whatever.

1:24:16 > 1:24:19'Last call for flight four-four-three.'

1:24:19 > 1:24:22- Damn it!- 'Last call for flight four-four-three.'

1:24:22 > 1:24:24MOBILE PHONE RINGS

1:24:25 > 1:24:26- Hello?- 'Hey, Patty.'

1:24:26 > 1:24:30- Who is this?- Stainer. Don't hang up. - How the fuck did you get my number?

1:24:30 > 1:24:33- TSA. Moving on... - No. no. no. Let's not move on.

1:24:33 > 1:24:35This better not be where you ask me out,

1:24:35 > 1:24:38because you confused my hatred for you for some kind of flirtation.

1:24:38 > 1:24:41- 'I thought I made myself clear.'- No, no, no, you were clear. We're good.

1:24:41 > 1:24:45- Cos I genuinely hate you also. - Oh, cool.

1:24:45 > 1:24:47Cool. And we're back to talking.

1:24:47 > 1:24:51All right. So, Kirk is leaving on a plane with another girl.

1:24:51 > 1:24:54Now, I tried to get him off, but they threw me off the plane!

1:24:54 > 1:24:56Stainer, your screw-up is not my problem.

1:24:56 > 1:24:59No, we both screwed up. We told them that it wasn't gonna work.

1:24:59 > 1:25:02They believed us. So now, unfortunately, I need your help.

1:25:05 > 1:25:08'Hello? Patty? Goddamn it. You fucking hung up on me!'

1:25:08 > 1:25:11- OK, I'll see what I can do. - 'Thank you.'

1:25:13 > 1:25:15Agh! ..Sorry.

1:25:16 > 1:25:20'I have a ground X-ray one radio check. Taxi to one-two.

1:25:20 > 1:25:23'EastWest four-three. You're cleared for taxi to runway two-seven.'

1:25:23 > 1:25:27So, we are seeing the Dave Coulier tomorrow night,

1:25:27 > 1:25:29and on Saturday we're gonna see both of the Elvis tributes,

1:25:29 > 1:25:31- and then on S...- No.

1:25:32 > 1:25:37- Excuse me? - No, no, no. Stainer was right.

1:25:37 > 1:25:39'Flight attendants, prepare for departure.'

1:25:39 > 1:25:41- Stainer was right. - What are you doing? Kirk!

1:25:41 > 1:25:45Yeah, I'm not going to Branson with you people.

1:25:45 > 1:25:48You are my family and I love you,

1:25:48 > 1:25:51but really, with the exception of Mom,

1:25:51 > 1:25:53you're all a bunch of bloodsucking vampires

1:25:53 > 1:25:55who never support anything I do.

1:25:55 > 1:25:59I'm going to go find Molly and show her that I am good enough.

1:25:59 > 1:26:01So fuck you, Debbie.

1:26:01 > 1:26:04Fuck you, Dylan. Fuck you, Dad.

1:26:04 > 1:26:07Fuck you...businessman. I'm sorry.

1:26:07 > 1:26:11And, most of all, fuck you, Marnie.

1:26:12 > 1:26:14Yep.

1:26:14 > 1:26:19You never deserved me in the first place, you evil little dwarf.

1:26:20 > 1:26:24So fuck you all! Yep.

1:26:24 > 1:26:27Sir. You need to take your seat. We're pushing back.

1:26:27 > 1:26:30Don't know if you heard my speech, but I need to get off this plane.

1:26:30 > 1:26:34Well, if I reopen that cabin door, that's a 25,000 fine for you.

1:26:34 > 1:26:3625...?

1:26:40 > 1:26:43What do you want to do?

1:26:43 > 1:26:44Is there another seat I could take?

1:26:44 > 1:26:47We're full. Now, take your seat and buckle up.

1:26:47 > 1:26:49Yep. OK.

1:27:01 > 1:27:04'Cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check.'

1:27:04 > 1:27:06Gonna be a long flight, eh, pirate?

1:27:14 > 1:27:17What's going on? What's the emergency?

1:27:17 > 1:27:19- Molly, how are you doing?- Fine.

1:27:19 > 1:27:22No, I'm actually asking you. How are you doing?

1:27:28 > 1:27:31- You have photo ID, right? - Well, yeah.

1:27:31 > 1:27:33- Where are we going? - Just buckle up!

1:27:37 > 1:27:40'We should be on our way shortly, so just sit back, relax and...'

1:27:47 > 1:27:50'The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading...'

1:27:50 > 1:27:52You're gonna tell me what's going on?

1:27:52 > 1:27:55In ten minutes, Kirk is leaving on a plane for Branson

1:27:55 > 1:27:58- with a horrible, horrible girl. - Marnie?- Yes. Let's go.

1:27:58 > 1:28:01If Kirk's getting back together with Marnie, I'm not going!

1:28:01 > 1:28:02In fourth grade, I peed in my pants.

1:28:02 > 1:28:05On several occasions. Everybody started calling me Stainer.

1:28:05 > 1:28:07Know how I made it through those dark days?

1:28:07 > 1:28:09- Plastic underwear?- In part.

1:28:09 > 1:28:12But also Kirk. You see, he told me to own that name.

1:28:12 > 1:28:14Call myself Stainer, so that nobody could hurt me.

1:28:14 > 1:28:17- What's your point? - Kirk's the best guy I know.

1:28:17 > 1:28:19But he's like... He's like a spider.

1:28:19 > 1:28:21You know? He's more afraid of you than you are of him.

1:28:21 > 1:28:23And he also, he has long legs and...

1:28:23 > 1:28:26Look. If you want him, you gotta go get him.

1:28:32 > 1:28:35- We're moving. Where is the package? - It's here.

1:28:35 > 1:28:38OK, we couldn't get him off the plane, so we've gotta get you on.

1:28:38 > 1:28:39Oh, thank you, Stainer!

1:28:41 > 1:28:44This is so exciting. Yes!

1:28:45 > 1:28:48Oh, shit. Follow me.

1:28:50 > 1:28:52- Excuse me!- Hey!

1:28:52 > 1:28:54- Come on! - Boarding passes and IDs out.

1:28:54 > 1:28:56- Let's keep it moving! - One second.

1:28:56 > 1:28:58Whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing?

1:28:58 > 1:29:00Putting her on a plane, that's what.

1:29:00 > 1:29:04Well, unless she has a first class ticket, back of the line.

1:29:04 > 1:29:09Fuller, you have a choice. You can step aside or you can fight me.

1:29:09 > 1:29:12If that's how you want to go, I warn you, I will go dark side.

1:29:12 > 1:29:16OK? I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off,

1:29:16 > 1:29:19and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors.

1:29:19 > 1:29:20Cos I am an insane motherfucker!

1:29:20 > 1:29:23You know that from the break room! What's it gonna be?!

1:29:28 > 1:29:29Yes!

1:29:30 > 1:29:33'Please check your seat belts. We're preparing for departure.'

1:29:38 > 1:29:39Branson!

1:29:40 > 1:29:43They've gone. We missed it.

1:29:43 > 1:29:45No, no, no. No. No, this is not...

1:29:45 > 1:29:48This is supposed to happen. This isn't how this works.

1:29:49 > 1:29:52- Yeah? Talk to Jack. - Stop the plane.

1:29:52 > 1:29:54Dude, done and done.

1:29:56 > 1:29:57Yeah, that's how we roll.

1:29:57 > 1:30:02Oh, come here, beautiful. Time to go to work.

1:30:08 > 1:30:11'Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain.

1:30:11 > 1:30:15'We got some kinda light on up here. Some kind of mechanical problem.

1:30:15 > 1:30:18'Anyway, we're gonna have to deplane.'

1:30:18 > 1:30:21Oh, man! What's "deplane" mean?

1:30:21 > 1:30:24Come on, Jack. Come on.

1:30:24 > 1:30:26Come on, Jack!

1:30:27 > 1:30:30- SHE SQUEALS - That's it! Yeah. Let's go, let's go.

1:30:33 > 1:30:36Look, Kirk, I do not know what's gotten into you,

1:30:36 > 1:30:40but I just want to say I forgive you and we are going to go to Branson,

1:30:40 > 1:30:42and we are going to enjoy it!

1:30:43 > 1:30:46OK, you got something off your chest, and that is fine.

1:30:46 > 1:30:50And it's over now. We are gonna pretend that it never happened.

1:30:50 > 1:30:52Why are you walking so fast?

1:30:54 > 1:30:56Kirk! We're solid, baby!

1:30:56 > 1:30:59We're... Oh, that is it.

1:30:59 > 1:31:03That is it! Motherfucker!

1:31:03 > 1:31:05Excuse me. Sorry.

1:31:05 > 1:31:08- Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry. - I will catch you, Kirk!

1:31:08 > 1:31:09- No...- I will catch you!

1:31:09 > 1:31:11- Excuse me.- I'm faster than you!

1:31:11 > 1:31:14- Sorry.- I will catch you if it's the last thing that I do...

1:31:22 > 1:31:24MOBILE PHONE RINGS

1:31:24 > 1:31:27- Who is it? - It's Kirk. Kirk, where are you?

1:31:27 > 1:31:29Stainer, you were right, buddy.

1:31:29 > 1:31:32I just got off the plane. I'm gonna go find Molly.

1:31:32 > 1:31:34That's great, except we're right here. I'm with Molly.

1:31:34 > 1:31:35What?!

1:31:35 > 1:31:38'We came to find you. We're at the gate! Turn around. We're here.'

1:31:38 > 1:31:42All right, I'm comin' to you. Comin' to you!

1:31:42 > 1:31:45Excuse me! Sorry, sorry! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

1:31:48 > 1:31:49Oh, God.

1:31:54 > 1:31:55Hey, wait! Cart, wait!

1:32:01 > 1:32:03- Oh, my God!- Go!

1:32:03 > 1:32:05Hey!

1:32:11 > 1:32:13I think we should see other people!

1:32:20 > 1:32:22Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

1:32:24 > 1:32:25- You OK?- Yeah.

1:32:26 > 1:32:28- Hey.- Hey.

1:32:28 > 1:32:32- What are you doin' here? - It was Patty and Stainer's idea.

1:32:33 > 1:32:35I just...

1:32:37 > 1:32:40I just knew that I had to come find you.

1:32:40 > 1:32:43- I nearly... - Kirk, shut up. Let me speak.

1:32:43 > 1:32:46That's a good idea.

1:32:46 > 1:32:48You are out of shape.

1:32:50 > 1:32:53- It's true.- Yeah, I know. Not what I thought you were gonna say.

1:32:53 > 1:32:54You're uncoordinated.

1:32:54 > 1:32:57You're not a college graduate, you've never been to Europe,

1:32:57 > 1:33:01and your car really is a shitbox.

1:33:01 > 1:33:03- That's good.- You were right.

1:33:05 > 1:33:08I did ask you out, because I thought you'd be safe

1:33:08 > 1:33:11and I wouldn't get hurt. And, yes, I lied to my parents,

1:33:11 > 1:33:14because I was worried what they'd think.

1:33:14 > 1:33:15I'm sorry.

1:33:17 > 1:33:19But I'm here to tell you that

1:33:19 > 1:33:21I don't care if you want to be a pilot,

1:33:21 > 1:33:26a TSA agent or shovel elephant shit at the circus.

1:33:26 > 1:33:29Because I missed you.

1:33:29 > 1:33:34And I just want us to be together.

1:33:34 > 1:33:38- Jesus...- Are you really having to think about this?

1:33:38 > 1:33:40- Shut up, Patty.- You shut up!

1:33:41 > 1:33:46I don't remember what the specific question was, but...

1:33:47 > 1:33:49- I do.- You do?

1:33:49 > 1:33:51- I will.- You will?

1:33:51 > 1:33:53I missed you.

1:34:00 > 1:34:01Guys, this is...

1:34:01 > 1:34:06It's a tale as old as time, you know? Song as old as rhyme.

1:34:06 > 1:34:08Think she's still not wearin' underwear?

1:34:08 > 1:34:10- Just stop it.- I heard you.

1:34:34 > 1:34:36Seriously, tell me where we're going!

1:34:36 > 1:34:38- Nope.- Why won't you tell me?

1:34:38 > 1:34:40You won't show me the tickets. I'm gonna find out.

1:34:40 > 1:34:43- Just trust me, OK? - Oh, you're so annoying!

1:34:43 > 1:34:45Ah, thar she blows!

1:34:46 > 1:34:49OK, that is not nearly big enough.

1:35:02 > 1:35:03What the hell are you doing?

1:35:04 > 1:35:06I've been taking a few lessons lately.

1:35:07 > 1:35:09- That's what you've been up to? - Yep.

1:35:10 > 1:35:12I should ask you, did you pack your bags yourself?

1:35:12 > 1:35:14- Yes, I did.- All right, good.

1:35:14 > 1:35:17Everything seems to be in order. You ever been to San Francisco?

1:35:17 > 1:35:21- Yes. - Good, cos we're going to Cleveland.

1:35:22 > 1:35:25'Pittsburgh tower, November-five-four-five-Charlie-Papa

1:35:25 > 1:35:28'requesting takeoff clearance on runway two-niner.'

1:35:29 > 1:35:31'Five-Charlie-Papa, you are cleared for takeoff.'