0:00:02 > 0:00:06BIG BEN CHIMES
0:01:58 > 0:02:03- Excuse me, could you tell me the way to Nutbourne College?- You must be the new English master!- Yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- Richard Tassell. - My name's Billings. I teach Maths.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11The carriage should be without. Hello, Rainbow, old scout!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Aye, aye, sir.- How was Mon Repos, Southsea?- Middling, sir.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- This is Mr Tassell, the new English master.- Pleased to meet you.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Keep on the right side of Rainbow. He runs the school and knows the country.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Black-market whisky, butter, eggs, anything at a price, right, Rainbow?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Times are difficult, sir.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Is this your first appointment?- Yes. - Ex-service?- Army.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Pond interviewed you, I suppose. What did you make of him?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- He seemed quite pleasant.- He's bats. You're going to loathe it here.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42That's a fine way of introducing me to it(!)
0:02:52 > 0:02:57Oh, I see you've been putting in a spot of work on the garden for a change, Rainbow.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02It's Mr Pond, sir. He's been on at me and Edwin all the week. "Clean this up. Paint that."
0:03:02 > 0:03:06- Hasn't given us a moment.- Must be expecting a gaggle of parents.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10There are six cottages in the village, a pub and a post office.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13We are now entering the main hall of the noble pile.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15According to history, it goes back to Henry VIII.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18According to the bank, it goes back to THEM,
0:03:18 > 0:03:20unless Pond keeps up with his payments.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Fine old staircase...- Mmm.- ..but you have to climb it 20 times a day.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34And this is the common room. Haven from howling kids and the back parlour of our domestic life.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37You'll find your evenings here rollicking(!)
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Matthews - he's the second master - plays a good hand of ecarte.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- Joue here suffers from insomnia. - JOUE SNORES
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Takes French and he plays backgammon...when he's awake.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- I'll introduce you to him later. - What about you? What do you do?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Football pools. I once won 30 bob.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- It's led me astray ever since. - HORN PLAYS A TUNE
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- What's that?- Hyde-Brown. Known to the natives as Whizzo.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03He's the sports master. He's the only chap who isn't really affected by this place.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Oh, I'm sorry if I'm painting a gloomy picture.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Oh, hello, Ramsden. This is Tassell, the new English master.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12How do you do?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14How do you do?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18He's the science master. We call him the Ghost of Nutbourne.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Ha! How are you, Billings, you jaundiced swine?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Oh, had the devil of a journey. Thought I'd never make it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Nearly ran out of juice. Must get old Rainbow to get me some more petrol coupons.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Hello? Hello. That you, Joan, dear?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Look, get me Ashfield 69.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40- I'm not going to pay what he asked last term - seven bob a gallon.- This is Tassell, the new Englisher.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- Victor Hyde-Brown.- Oh, how are you, old boy? ..Hello?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Hello? That you, Alf? Vic here. Look, what won the 4.30? ..Oh.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51What was second and third? ..Oh. Did...Winter Cottage run?
0:04:51 > 0:04:57- Oh, thanks. ..Just my luck.- I say, Tassell, you can have this cupboard.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58What's that ass Pond been up to?
0:04:58 > 0:05:03This place hasn't had a coat of paint since they took photographs for the prospectus.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I say, you chaps, take a butcher's at these.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09This is a little job I ran across in a joint in Montmartre. She comes from Birkenhead.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The one with the advanced ideas - that's Jeanne.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Won't you ever grow up?- I hope not. That's Yvette. What a scorcher.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20- It's l'amour, old man.- You'll gather Brownie is interested in a wide variety of sports(!)
0:05:20 > 0:05:25- There you are, Billings. I expected you earlier.- You're not going to run through the Second XV fixtures
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- or anything of that sort? What is it?- I put a notice on the board. Mr Tassell, I take it?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- How do you do?- How do you do? - I'm Matthews, the second master.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- You'll find us a very happy family here.- Since when?! What is it on the board, Matty.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Really, it's only three yards. Mr Pond wants to go to tea today.- Tea?!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- That's the first time. What's the idea?- I haven't the remotest notion.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49It's about 5.30 and I saw Mrs Hampstead going in with the tea about two minutes ago.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53We have no alternative but to investigate this strange phenomenon. Let's go.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Oh, do you want...wary Willy? - Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
0:05:57 > 0:06:01And before term's started. Monsieur Joue. Wake up, Monsieur Joue.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Wake up!- J'aurai, tu auras, il aura...
0:06:04 > 0:06:09He hasn't had Rainbow and Edwin working for nothing. If Pond's dishing out a free bun fight,
0:06:09 > 0:06:14- there's something brewing apart from tea.- Maybe he's getting married and wants to impress the lady.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19The day Pond exchanges a smile with a woman, I'll dance the hornpipe naked on the village green.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- And as for anything in this dump impressing anyone... - HE KNOCKS
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Come in, gentlemen, please.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27POND LAUGHS
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Excuse me. Tea is served.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33POND CHUCKLES
0:06:34 > 0:06:39Mr Tassell. Welcome to Nutbourne. Delighted to have you join us.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45My colleagues, I'm sure, will tell you all you need to know about the school. Right, Billings?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Lend me a hand with the tea, will you, Billings, please?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Well, I hope you all enjoyed your vacations. Come in Matthews, Joue.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Here we are all once again back in harness.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01And I, for one, can say that I'm...I'm not sorry.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Sit down, Ramsden.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Yes, it's 15 years almost to the day since I first... ..Don't forget the sugar, Billings.
0:07:08 > 0:07:1115 years since I came here.
0:07:11 > 0:07:16And I must say it's 15 years that I shall look back on with a very deepest affection.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21There'll be many more to look back upon before you and Nutbourne part company, sir.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I appreciate that sentiment, Matthews.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26But I'm afraid it's a...a pleasure that may not be granted to me.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- Oh, come, sir!- Ha-ha, yes!- Are these crumpets?- I don't know(!)
0:07:30 > 0:07:33As a matter of fact, that is why I've asked you all to come here.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38There is a distinct possibility that I may be translated to a higher sphere.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Not your heart again, sir?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42My heart is perfectly all right, Billings.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- No, I've been urged to consider an appointment elsewhere.- No, sir!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Yes, the headmastership of Harlingham.- But that's a decent school. One of the majors.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55This is a shock. I hardly dare think what would happen to Nutbourne if you left.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00It would be a tremendous wrench for me, too, Matthews. Oh! Crumpets it is.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Plates, Billings.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05But, Matthews, that the call of duty comes before even that of affection.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09And the call of duty would be stronger at Harlingham, sir?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I have always felt that the highest aim of a teacher
0:08:12 > 0:08:16is to sow the seeds of knowledge of ever wider, more fertile fields.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19We're a comparatively small school here
0:08:19 > 0:08:24and, judging from recent examination results, not abundantly fertile.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Give Joue his tea, will you, Billings, please?
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Which brings me to my second point. The governors of Harlingham
0:08:31 > 0:08:36- will shortly be visiting here to study my methods.- Then you haven't cornered the job yet, sir?!
0:08:36 > 0:08:41The problem is a mutual one, Billings. Will Harlingham suit me?
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- Will I be equal to Harlingham? - Mmm, crumpets are nice, sir. - Thank you, Matthews.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I'm sure with your co-operation and perhaps a little...a little extra effort,
0:08:50 > 0:08:55we can show the governors of Harlingham that our school is every bit as good as... Ramsden.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Will you please sit down?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Oh, and bearing this in mind,
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Mr Joue, do you think you might contrive to spend a little more of the day with us?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Thank you, Joue. And you, Billings...
0:09:08 > 0:09:13Billings, do you think you could devote a little more of your time to obtaining class results
0:09:13 > 0:09:16and a little less to trying to forecast the football variety, hmm?!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Good.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23And talking of football, Hyde-Brown, I seem to recall that last year,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25our first XV lost 11 out of the 12 matches.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- POND CHUCKLES - Might I suggest in your case a little more of the coach,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32a little less of the Coach and Horses?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Oh, I say, that's a bit of a reflection, isn't it, sir? - Come, come, come!
0:09:36 > 0:09:41You mustn't think, gentlemen, that I make these comments in a spirit of carping criticism.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- DOOR OPENS - On the contrary.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Begging pardon, sir,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48would you mind telling me how many new boys there is this term?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Rainbow, you know better than to interrupt my conferences!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I gave you a note this morning. We're expecting TWO.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58You may be expecting two, sir. You're going to get 102!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01See Mr Matthews about it later and go away now, please! ..I'm sorry.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07"217 trunks, 217 tuck boxes", it says here.
0:10:07 > 0:10:12"Invoice 7348", er... "British Railways".
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I'm not in the least concerned about what the British Railways think it is.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19It's a mistake. Take it away and forget about it!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22You can't hardly forget 217 trunks and tuck boxes, sir.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25This is worse than teaching algebra to the remove.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27It's only on paper, man. On paper!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Take a look at the drive, sir. - Drive?!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- 217 trunks and tuck boxes!- Uh!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39217?! Good gracious!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And all correct too, sir. I counted 'em.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49This is what comes of nationalising the railways.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52The fellows don't know their LMS from their Southern Region.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Instead of the ordinary muddle, we've complete chaos.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59You and Edwin will have to send those trunks that don't belong to us back to the station.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- How do I know which don't belong? - Check the register.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05If there's any clash about names, you can tell by the initials.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Here we have a D Johnson. Now, we have an A Johnson, but no...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11But this is addressed to "St Swithin's,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- "Nutbourne College, Nutbourne, Hants".- There's another St Swithin's here, sir.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I suppose this isn't some fourth-form prank?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I don't offer this as a solution, sir, but a letter came this morning
0:11:23 > 0:11:25addressed to the Secretary of St Swithin's.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- What did you do with it? - I marked it "unknown", returned it to the Ministry.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34- The Ministry?! The Ministry wrote to St Swithin's HERE?- Yes, sir.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36And you didn't open it? Oh, no, of course not.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- Excuse me, sir, but I may be able to offer a helping hand here, sir.- Oh?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45You know the postman's supposed to clear the box in the hall at midday?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- Yes, well?- Well, as a result of an arrangement between him and me,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I've been in the habit of taking the post to the village for him.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56- And today you haven't?- Not yet, but, er...I've got the key, sir.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I see. Then the GPO don't receive the letters
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- until you hand them over in the village post office.- Er...pub, sir.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05That poses a pretty problem as to when exactly the letters
0:12:05 > 0:12:10- become the property of the Post Office.- It's not a problem I intend to go into too deeply.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14"The attached form E.43 should also be signed by a responsible representative
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"of the school whose premises are being shared."
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"Whose premises are being shared"?!
0:12:18 > 0:12:22What on earth could have happened? "Name of school to be re-evacuated..."
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Re-evacuated?! What on earth's re-evacuated?!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Someone's written against it "St Swithin's".- That's them.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- "Destination Nutbourne College, Hants."- Us.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- "Date of arrival, 17th September..." - Today.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36But it can't! I mean, it can't!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I'll get on to this Government department at once.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Whitehall 1312, please. ..If anyone should send a school here without first consulting me -
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- it's outside the bounds of possibility.- Shall I stop Rainbow
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- taking that luggage to the station? - Certainly not. If the...
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Hello, I want to speak to the Schools Resettlement Department, please.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I beg your pardon? But there must be somebody there.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Put me on to somebody somewhere else.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Nobody?!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10It's fantastic(!)
0:13:10 > 0:13:13It's absolutely fantastic(!)
0:13:13 > 0:13:15They've closed the office and gone home.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18So, at any moment, we may expect 100 extra boys.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Well, I must talk to Mrs Hampstead at once.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25100 extra boys. With staff, I presume.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Not even a postcard to let us know they're coming.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Nothing we can do about it until I talk to someone in the morning.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34We've barely enough space for our own boys.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- You rang, sir.- I did.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41- Mrs Hampstead, you will prepare to receive 217 boys.- Pardon?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44117 of our boys and 100 from another school.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- I see.- The...the other school will remain for one night only.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56Now, let me get this clear, sir. I'm to expect 217 boys tonight?
0:13:56 > 0:14:01- That's right. There's only one way to deal with a crisis like this. First...- What are they going to eat?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Mmm? Well, they'll have what we have, of course.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- Well, if they have it, we won't. - Do you mind if we deal with first things first?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10With small boys - that comes first.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Where are they going to sleep? There's no room in the dormitories,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16so...we'll have to find somewhere else. At Harlingham,
0:14:16 > 0:14:21I'll be dealing with far greater numbers of boys. This might prove a blessing.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- That's one way of looking at it! - Yes! ..Well, I propose we make a tour of the school.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28With a little application, we can settle the whole problem.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- Shall I get Rainbow to unload those trunks?- Oh, yes. I'd forgotten all about them. Come along, everybody.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Oh, Matthews, as to bedding, we've all those straw palliasses we used in summer camp.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- I'll have Rainbow get 'em out.- Sir, while you're running around,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I'll slip down and break the good news to cook.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Mrs Hampstead, we are faced with an emergency.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- I expect the staff to rise to it. - They'll rise all right(!)- Good.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55Phew! I don't know how it's ever going to get as far as the station.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58No! How long did it take you to load that lot?
0:14:58 > 0:15:03- Oh, 25 minutes.- Well, you've got a chance to beat it. You've got to unload it again.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- Huh?- St Swithin's is coming to stay for the night.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- You're not speaking in earnest? - That's the strength of it, sorry.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Phew!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Somebody must have gone barmy.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17100 bloomin' extra kids first day of term!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Your turn to do the shoes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:28- The staff sleeping problem presents some difficulties. Whose room is this?- Hyde-Brown's and mine.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Pleasant little room. Now, let's see,
0:15:32 > 0:15:36do you think we might put two more beds in here, hmm? Any difficulties?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39None, except how to get into bed.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42You're not adopting a very helpful attitude, Billings.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46We're obliged to offer the school our hospitality. I suggest we do it with grace.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It's not too much to ask you to share your rooms with the staff.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52We won't find suitable accommodation for their headmaster.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57If you are looking to me to give you a lead, Billings, I must say that I should be only too glad
0:15:57 > 0:16:00to share my room with my opposite number in St Swithin's.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09As I expected - an ancient mausoleum.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Topping grounds for the Guides and Brownies to muster in.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- The mustering of the Guides and Brownies is not our only activity, Miss Gossage.- No.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21If there are any dorms facings south, Miss Jezzard, see that our girls get them.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24The infant animal needs space to breathe and blow.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29- We could settle the whole thing quickly by sleeping the kids two in a bed.- End to end.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34We've the parents to consider. We must appear to give them value for their money.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- No, I'm afraid we must seek other fields for St Swithin's. - That's a thought.- Mmm?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Fields, sir.
0:16:41 > 0:16:46I'm quite sure, Hyde-Brown, your ready wit must make you exceedingly popular in the fourth form.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Heavenly place.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I never heard of anything like it!
0:16:54 > 0:16:59Mr Pond may think he's obliging someone, but he's not obliging US. We're not slaves.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Nobody said you were. BELL RINGS
0:17:01 > 0:17:06- The front door bell's ringing, Milly.- Oh, let it ring. I shall speak to Mr Hyde-Brown about this.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Evidently not on their toes.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10We'll try our luck inside.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Well, a tap on that gong should bring them from their burrows.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Yes, Miss Whitchurch.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25LOUD BONGS
0:17:25 > 0:17:28A tap, Gossage. I said a tap.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29You're not introducing a film.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32We're not getting on very fast, gentlemen.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- There are still 60 boys to accommodate. - GONG SOUNDS
0:17:36 > 0:17:41Matthews, find out who's ringing that gong. If it's one of the boys, give him 100 lines.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43There must be somewhere else. Uh...
0:17:43 > 0:17:45The attic.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49We can't bumble around here all day. ..What's in there?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53It's another sort of hall, Miss Whitchurch.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I seem to detect an odour of last term's cottage pie.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17A-hem.
0:18:18 > 0:18:24Yes, well, when Rainbow has cleaned all this up, there ought to be room here for about, ooh, 60 boys.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29- What about air, sir?- Air?! Oof! Let me see now. Well, if we open this skylight...
0:18:29 > 0:18:35Mmm! Well, I dare say it will open. And keep the hatch wide, there ought to be a nice through draught.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I'm wondering more and more what's in store for us, Gossage.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42It's a perfectly ghoulish atmosphere. The sunlight seems quite out of place.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49No polish on the stairs or banisters, and dust everywhere!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Whatever else they teach here, it certainly isn't housecraft.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Are you in the habit of writing your name all over the place, Gossage?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- No, Miss Whitchurch.- Then kindly stop doing it at once.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11SHE KNOCKS
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Well, the mistresses' common room, I assume.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Huh. Cold comfort farm by all appearances!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And billiards!
0:19:23 > 0:19:25How very strange.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28No tips.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Huntin', shootin' and fishin', it seems.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"Wetherby Pond, 1939".
0:19:35 > 0:19:37But no mention of who caught it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Probably bought at auction.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Boxing!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- Self-defence, I suppose. - Well, doesn't surprise me
0:19:45 > 0:19:47after reading the school motto.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53- No.- Heavy smokers, too. No signs of lipstick. That's astonishing.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54Cards?!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57The Racehorse?!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Gaming, nicotine, fisticuffs -
0:19:59 > 0:20:03we're moving in a descending spiral of iniquity!
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Ah! A woman's bookshelf is an infallible guide to her character.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Oxford English Dictionary,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable,
0:20:12 > 0:20:17The Diary Of Samuel Pepys - abridged. Well, that's something to be thankful for(!)
0:20:17 > 0:20:20What's up here? A-hem.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Memoirs Of Casanova.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- Wasn't that the book we caught Jessica James reading in the closet? - Yes.- Yes.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Decameron Nights.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, really!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Whatever else this establishment may or may not be,
0:20:36 > 0:20:41- it's clearly not a suitable place to bring carefully nurtured girls to.- I should jolly well say not.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46- But what can we do about it?- We must tell the Ministry. They got us into it. They must get us out of it.
0:20:46 > 0:20:51Well, that settles the sleeping question. Now, it's the meals.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- Cook will simply have to stagger them.- That shouldn't be difficult(!) - Of course not. Come along.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Rainbow can bring down the table from the carpenter's shop.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05What's this? "Gossage"?
0:21:05 > 0:21:10Mmm? Some of the boys starting to arrive? Give the boy who wrote his name there 50 lines.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- "Gossage"? I don't know any Gossages.- Maybe it's a St Swithin's kid.- Then give him 50 lines.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I'll not have their boys writing their names all over our dust...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Who's that?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Er, little girl.- Yes?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Who... Who are you? I mean, what do you want? This is Nutbourne College.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36That's right. I just biked on ahead with Miss Harper's things. She's with the crocodile.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Crocodile?! What on earth's she talking about? Who... Who's Miss Harper?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Miss Harper? Well, she's English and history and jolly dee!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47In fact, she's the only decent mistress in St Swithin's.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50St Swithin's?! You don't mean to say
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- that yours is a school of boys AND girls?- Oh, no!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Only girls.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00Does this mean, sir, that we are to expect 100 young ladies?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05It means not only have the Ministry made a mistake in sending a school here at all,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09but they've apparently been guilty of an appalling sexual aberration.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I shall ask for the home number of the man responsible.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15If they refuse, I shall speak to the Minister himself.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Do you know what this means, old boy? Popsies, scores of them.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23There are only two types of school mistress -
0:22:23 > 0:22:25the battle-axe and the Amazon.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28I bet you five bob they fall into one class or another.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The condition of the place is indescribable.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Dust and dirt everywhere.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37And the staff seem to match their surroundings.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42I've seen quite enough to know it's no place to bring well-brought-up girls to...
0:22:42 > 0:22:47I agree with that last statement. Will you kindly remove yourself from my chair, my telephone...
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- Sorry, I didn't catch what you said...- Will you kindly move yourself from my telephone?!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Will you please refrain from interfering?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I don't know who you are, but I'm in the middle of a conversation with the Ministry.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- Ministry?!- Hello?- Give me that!- Will you desist at once, sir?!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- You leave me no alternative.- How dare you, sir?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05How dare YOU, madam?!
0:23:05 > 0:23:09Hello, hello. This is Wetherby Pond speaking,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11the headmaster of Nutbourne College.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I don't know how much you know about what's going on here,
0:23:13 > 0:23:15but I find it difficult to speak temperedly about it.
0:23:15 > 0:23:21I will not have a girls' school on my premises, not for a single day, not for a single hour, not...
0:23:21 > 0:23:26I don't want your sympathy, man. I want action. I want these women removed bag and baggage.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28If the last train is gone, you must lay on a special.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I'm not putting down this telephone until I know what you're going to do about it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Have I made myself clear?
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Oh, yeah, I understand. But I think you'd better have a word with the guv'nor when he comes back.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Where is he?- Eh? I think he's stoking the boilers.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45To whom am I talking?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Thank you.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54You were speaking to the junior assistant caretaker.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56The Ministry is closed!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02I take it you are some sort of official in this girls' school.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I don't like your tone, my man. I'll answer you when you're in possession of yourself.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Madam, I'm well able to control myself.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Unaccustomed as I am to having girls' schools thrust upon me, no doubt, in years to come,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I shall look upon this as amusing.
0:24:15 > 0:24:21- But I shan't.- The only solution is to send your girls back home until the whole position is rectified.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27Out of the question. At least 50 of my girls come from the colonies. St Swithin's specialises in outposts.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31I'm not at all concerned where they come from! It is impossible for them to remain here.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35It is equally impossible for them to go elsewhere.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37At any moment now, they'll be arriving,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40hot and tired from their journey, bursting for a hot bath
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and peckish for their high tea. By the way, a-hem,
0:24:43 > 0:24:48my name is Whitchurch. I am Principal of St Swithin's.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Oh...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52How do you...? How do you do?
0:24:52 > 0:24:58What's more, I make it a rule that junior school go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire at 6.30 sharp
0:24:58 > 0:25:02with their milk and biscuits - digestive. Have you digestive?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I don't know.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06But if there are any, they'll be eaten by my boys.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Oh, come now, it's no use playing dog in the manger. Let us face this squarely.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- Which day do your boys arrive? - Today at 6.15,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17hot, tired and peckish for their high tea.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Yes, I see your problem.
0:25:20 > 0:25:26- I'm grateful for that.- We must don our thinking caps.- Madam, I'm not donning anything.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Oh!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30We've just been hurled out of our common room...
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- By a bunch of ruffians. - One pulled me out of my chair.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39- Miss Whitchurch, you realise where we are?- You don't imagine I've been here indulging in social chit-chat.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Mr Pond, permit me to introduce my staff.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to appear rude,
0:25:44 > 0:25:48but there's no point in meeting them since they're not going to remain here.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Look, madam, I am surprised that you should ignore the domestic absurdity
0:25:52 > 0:25:56of bringing 100 girls here. There are feeding problems,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- servant problems...- There's no problem there, sir. They're leaving.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- OUTSIDE:- Left, right. Left, right. Left...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, good egg! Here's comes our croc!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11And there goes OURS.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Three years it's taken me to get a good kitchen staff. What am I to do?
0:26:20 > 0:26:25- That's childishly simple. You forget you have a girls' school with you. - Forget(!)
0:26:25 > 0:26:31It will provide an absolutely superb opportunity for my advanced cookery girls to show their paces.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33No, madam, not that.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Not that! That's more than flesh and blood can stand.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40I'll go through purgatory with you, but hell - no! Hell, no!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I owe you a dollar.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- Thanks.- We're in for a whale of a time.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- Morris dancing in the gym, eurhythmics on the lawn...- Queues for the bathroom,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53no smoking anywhere and compulsory cocoa at 11.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59I'm for a couple of voluntary pints at the Coach and Horses before they arrive. Any takers?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I'll gladly stand anyone a pint if they'll care to join me.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08I'm a lifelong teetotaller, but I'm almost inclined to accept Brown's invitation.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I'm GOING to.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Is this right?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Yes, it's right. Press on. Straight ahead. Let me...
0:27:22 > 0:27:24This has cost me five bob.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- Yes, cheap at the price. - Good afternoon.- Good afternoon.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Oh.- Oh, I'm sorry.- That's quite all right. Allow me.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Thank you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43- I'm Richard Tassell. I teach English here.- So do I, but...- We'll have something in common!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I'm Victor Hyde-Brown, sports master here.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- Won't you sit down, Miss...? - Harper.- ..Harper.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- The rot's setting in.- Cigarette? - Thank you.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54I never expected anything like this.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58- How many mistresses have you? - Well, I, er...
0:27:58 > 0:27:59DOOR OPENS
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I must talk to you, gentlemen.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05- We're in an unprecedented predicament.- Miss Harper - Mr Pond.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10- How do you do?- How do you do? Your colleagues are in the first door on the right.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14- May I leave my things here? - Yes, of course.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21- Who is he? - I'll explain later.- Hyde-Brown, will you please close that door?
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Thank you. Now, gentlemen, we are faced with an appalling dilemma.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29We have a wooden horse in our midst.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Possession is nine points of the law.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Our girls are in the hall, their boys haven't arrived. Come in, Miss Harper.
0:28:35 > 0:28:40- Did you pass a long, bald-headed person?- You mean Pond? He's in the common room.- Excellent.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43We'll find out where their dormitories are and take our girls there.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Ladies, you're facing your supreme test.
0:28:46 > 0:28:51- Remember our netball cry. - Effort, St Swithin's, effort! - Quite so, Miss Gossage.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54If trespassers threaten your property, you build fences. Hmm?
0:28:54 > 0:28:57- I propose we lock the dormitories. - Hear, hear!
0:28:57 > 0:29:01But we must act before that female spawns her young all over the building.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05Billings, take the fourth-form dormitory, and Hyde-Brown, the fifth.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08And Matthews and Joue, the third and the sixth.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12- Have you got a key to the common room, sir?- We don't have to lock this room, Billings?
0:29:12 > 0:29:15No, and we can't UNLOCK it unless you've got a key.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23- Is this a practical joke? - The key's on the outside.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25This is the last straw.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Come along now. Hurry up! We've got plenty to do.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Stand by, Tennyson, Longfellow.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Miss Armstrong, as quick as you can. No time to lose.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- The honour of Nutbourne is at stake. - All right. I'll have a go,
0:29:38 > 0:29:43but it's not much use unlocking the stable door after the horses have got there first.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46- What's happening up there? - Hey, look out, sir!
0:29:50 > 0:29:53- Gosh, it's old Whizzo!- Hey, Whizzo!
0:29:54 > 0:29:56That's it, Hyde-Brown. That's it. Press on.
0:29:56 > 0:30:01BOYS CHEER AND WHISTLE
0:30:01 > 0:30:03That's it. You're almost there.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06You're doing splendidly, Hyde-Brown.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09BOYS CHEER AND WHISTLE
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Don't look down!
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Carry on. ..Go in at once, you boys. Go straight upstairs
0:30:20 > 0:30:23to your dormitories and stay there till I call you.
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Any boy left hanging about will get 500 lines.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Now, then, one leap and you've done it.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Now, Tennyson and Longfellow, settle down as quickly as you can.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- I'll have their trunks sent up in a few minutes.- Very well.
0:30:39 > 0:30:44Not in here, Miss Gossage. Follow me, Milton and Browning. Quick as you can. No dawdling.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53I say, Talbot, there's girls in our dormitory.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57- Girls?! Where?!- Hundreds of them. They're everywhere. - Have you gone potty?
0:30:57 > 0:31:02- What are you talking about?- Go and see for yourself. They're all over the place.- He's right. There are.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05- That's what I've been trying to tell them.- Let's see.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11This way, Milton and Browning.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Come along, girls. Come along.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17- I realise it's not quite what you're accustomed to. - GIRL SCREAMS
0:31:17 > 0:31:22- What's that?- There's trouble already.- It's something in Tennyson. - Let's go and see at once.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26- Oh! - SCREAMING
0:31:45 > 0:31:48You must stop! You must stop! You must...
0:31:52 > 0:31:53MISS WHITCHURCH WHISTLES
0:32:02 > 0:32:06- Aren't you going to stop them, sir? - There are times, I think,
0:32:06 > 0:32:10when little boys should be seen but not interrupted. Come.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13COCK CROWS
0:32:15 > 0:32:18BELL RINGS
0:32:19 > 0:32:22BELL CONTINUES
0:32:26 > 0:32:30- Where am I?- The French master's bed.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35SNORING
0:32:35 > 0:32:38BELL RINGS LOUDLY
0:32:41 > 0:32:44BELL CONTINUES TO RING
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Madam, I...
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Really, this is too much.
0:34:14 > 0:34:18I give up my bedroom to you, only to find my clothes flung all over the place.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20Look, madam, where are my shirts and underwear?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22In the filing cabinet.
0:34:24 > 0:34:29It's no use telephoning the Ministry. There won't be anybody there before ten o'clock.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33- It's rough and ready, Jezzard, but it'll serve.- Yes.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- Thank you.- There we are. Now we'd better see how they're faring in the kitchen.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Breakfast is at eight sharp, so don't loiter.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44DOOR SLAMS
0:34:49 > 0:34:52- Good morning, girls. - Morning, Miss Whitchurch.
0:34:52 > 0:34:56- Everything shipshape and Bristol fashion?- Yes, Miss Whitchurch.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00The fishcakes are ready, but there's a hold-up with the porridge.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03- Why?- I had to throw one lot away. - Oh, that'll never do.
0:35:03 > 0:35:08- Now, Angela, you've made porridge before. - Yes, but no-one had to eat it.
0:35:08 > 0:35:12That's a defeatist attitude, my dear. Stir it well and don't shilly-shally.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15Now, now, now, Mary!
0:35:15 > 0:35:18You know better than to make tea in that haphazard fashion.
0:35:18 > 0:35:22- How many people are you making it for?- 233.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Then put in 233 teaspoonsful
0:35:24 > 0:35:28and one... well, perhaps two for the pot.
0:35:30 > 0:35:31One...
0:35:31 > 0:35:32two...
0:35:32 > 0:35:36- I understand your fishcakes are ready, Alice. - For the past 20 minutes.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40I don't want any temperament, my dear. What did you put in them?
0:35:40 > 0:35:41Or shouldn't I ask?
0:35:42 > 0:35:46- Anyway, they smell delicious. - They've gone hard.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50Never mind. I don't suppose hungry little tummies will notice that.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53They will afterwards.
0:35:53 > 0:35:5528...
0:35:55 > 0:35:5629...
0:35:56 > 0:35:58130...
0:35:58 > 0:36:01These little adventures break the monotony of school life.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03I love monotony.
0:36:03 > 0:36:04Oh.
0:36:05 > 0:36:06Morning, Mr Pond.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08Oh.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10I think I'll just have tea and toast today.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13It's five past eight.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17There's been a slight hiatus with the porridge. Shall we move in?
0:36:20 > 0:36:22What form of grace do you say here?
0:36:22 > 0:36:27Well, I usually ask that we should be grateful for what we're about to receive.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Please, sir, I don't want any more.
0:36:41 > 0:36:42No, sir.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Oh, very well.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49It's still Arkwright, but he's trying to put me on to a Mr Tripp.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53Apparently Mr Bullock got the papers from Mr Forrester.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57He passed them on to Mr Arkwright who passed them on to Mr Tripp.
0:36:58 > 0:37:03We've got to sit here while they keep on passing around...
0:37:03 > 0:37:07The girls must write home, Miss Gossage. Rely on their discretion.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10The younger girls are the trouble, Miss Whitchurch.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Monica Redfern wrote, "Dear Mummy, I'm having an exciting time.
0:37:13 > 0:37:18- "We've been sent to a boys' school by mistake." - That's a statement of fact.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20"Everybody's having lots of fun.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24- "The mistresses are sharing the masters' rooms."- Ah, yes.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I see what you mean.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Well, we must institute a system of censorship at once.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33- Yes, Miss Whitchurch.- I advise you to take similar steps, Mr Pond.
0:37:33 > 0:37:39We have a bond of trust here at Nutbourne, the boys and I, which is never abused.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42- Yes, Billings? - I caught young Sutton posting this.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46There's nothing against the boys sending parcels home. What is it?
0:37:46 > 0:37:50A fishcake. And Sutton's father is an analytical chemist.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53There's a note inside which reads, "Dear Dad, our breakfast.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56"Get weaving. Reg."
0:37:57 > 0:37:59THUD
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Well, I suppose we all have black sheep.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Want me to skim through the rest of the flock?
0:38:07 > 0:38:11Yes. I suggest you get together with this lady.
0:38:13 > 0:38:17- Hello, is that Mr Tripp? - Mr Tripp!- It is?
0:38:17 > 0:38:19- Good...- Mr Tripp?
0:38:19 > 0:38:24Mr Pond. I take it Mr Arkwright has told you what Mr Bullock told him I told Mr Forrester?
0:38:24 > 0:38:28Yes, I'm acquainted with the facts. I just can't think how it occurred.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32..I wouldn't like to promise that. It'll take a little while.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36You're not an approved school, by any chance?
0:38:36 > 0:38:40I'll do everything I can to expedite matters. Good morning.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55FANFARE
0:39:15 > 0:39:19Will these little blighters never stop writing home?
0:39:19 > 0:39:21I can't pass one in ten of these.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23No, nor can I.
0:39:23 > 0:39:28Still, you know, I do think it's been heaps of fun working together.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32- It has, hasn't it? - Not my idea of fun, Miss Gossage.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35Call me Sausage.
0:39:37 > 0:39:43"That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet..."
0:39:43 > 0:39:47Thank you, Betty. Does anyone know the Good Night passage?
0:39:47 > 0:39:49- I do, Miss Harper. - Very well, Barbara.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Where shall I start, Miss Harper?
0:39:51 > 0:39:53From "Well, do not swear."
0:39:53 > 0:39:58- "Well, do not swear, although I..." - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:39:58 > 0:40:02Oh, do you think I might borrow another duster, Miss Harper?
0:40:02 > 0:40:06- I mislaid the last one. - That's the fifth in three days.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10- As many as that?- The children will begin to misconstrue your intentions.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14- Misconstrue?- One or two seem to be doing so already.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17Barbara, don't stand staring, carry on.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20"I have no joy of this contract tonight
0:40:20 > 0:40:24"It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden..."
0:40:24 > 0:40:26"Too like the lightning which doth cease to be..."
0:40:26 > 0:40:31"E'er one can say, 'It lightens' Sweet, good night
0:40:31 > 0:40:34- "This bud of love... - "By summer's ripening breath
0:40:34 > 0:40:37"May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40- "Good night, good night!" - DOOR OPENS
0:40:40 > 0:40:44Make it good morning and return to your class, Mr Tassell.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Well, I...I haven't got a class, Miss Whitchurch.
0:40:47 > 0:40:51Then don't interrupt ours. I made it perfectly plain on the notice board
0:40:51 > 0:40:54that there was to be no interschool poodle-faking.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56- And while I... - LAUGHTER
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Well, really!
0:41:02 > 0:41:05The starboard engine had gone for a burton,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08and there was I upside down with nothing on the clock.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10So I just pressed on.
0:41:10 > 0:41:14You must have had a gorgeously exciting time of it.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17- Oh!- I'd simply have adored to see you in your uniform.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Well, I looked much the same as the rest of the bunch.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23I say, you girls are bang-on for 17.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26Mr Brown, what are you doing with my seniors?
0:41:26 > 0:41:30I was just showing them the petunias. Jolly good display this year.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32A bit past their best now, of course.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35The petunias are not alone in that respect. Will you leave us this minute?
0:41:35 > 0:41:38I was only giving them a few hints, facts of nature, nothing else.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42You girls get back to your indoor botany at once.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46I know it's slightly distracting to have to work in the hall,
0:41:46 > 0:41:49but we must try and profit through adversity.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51We'll choose a phrase at random
0:41:51 > 0:41:55- and see if we can analyse it. - Morning, boys. - Morning, Miss Whitchurch.
0:41:55 > 0:41:59- We'll take a phrase... - Please, Mr Pond,
0:41:59 > 0:42:03ask your masters not to consort with my staff and girls.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06And I think it advisable to alter the curriculum
0:42:06 > 0:42:09to cut out the biology classes.
0:42:12 > 0:42:16Let us analyse that excellent phrase of John Knox's,
0:42:16 > 0:42:18"The first blast of the trumpet
0:42:18 > 0:42:21"against the monstrous regiment of women."
0:42:23 > 0:42:25That's enough.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28The verb in this case is understood.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31Like... Like some other things.
0:42:31 > 0:42:37So we may take it that the sentence runs, "This IS the first blast of the trumpet,"
0:42:37 > 0:42:39et cetera, et cetera.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42This - the subject. Is - the verb. Everyone paying attention?
0:42:42 > 0:42:44- BOYS: Yes, sir. - Very well.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48- Talbot!- Sir.- Take 100 lines.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50Yes, sir.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52How are we to deal with the rest of the...?
0:42:54 > 0:42:57- What about the object? - Good morning.- Good morning.
0:42:57 > 0:43:02Can any boy tell me what is the object...
0:43:02 > 0:43:06- I have called on behalf of Miss Winston... - ..in this particular case?
0:43:06 > 0:43:09Whose bed is that and where are you taking it?
0:43:09 > 0:43:12It belonged to the late cook, sir.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Miss W says Miss J's to have it.
0:43:14 > 0:43:17We'll see about that. Take it to my study at once.
0:43:19 > 0:43:23I'm sure Mr Pond will listen to reason if I can speak to him.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26- He's teaching, I tell you. - You don't seem to realise...
0:43:26 > 0:43:29- What is the object? - Up your end, Edwin.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32- What is the object...?- Mr Pond...
0:43:36 > 0:43:40What's the use? I might as well try to teach in Waterloo station.
0:43:40 > 0:43:45There's a lady at the door, sir, wanting to know if you'll vote for Miss Winston in the election.
0:43:47 > 0:43:51Mrs Hampstead, tell your lady that if there is a male candidate,
0:43:51 > 0:43:55whether he's Conservative, socialist, communist or anarchist,
0:43:55 > 0:43:57or, for that matter, Liberal,
0:43:57 > 0:44:00- he will have my vote. - That's what I thought, sir.
0:44:03 > 0:44:08There is NO object in this at all, so let us take the word "trumpet".
0:44:08 > 0:44:12It's no use hanging back like that, Margaret. It'll only be the worse for you.
0:44:12 > 0:44:16What do you propose we ought to do with "trumpet"?
0:44:16 > 0:44:21Margaret, you mustn't think just because you're in a school like this that you can behave as you please.
0:44:21 > 0:44:22I repeat -
0:44:22 > 0:44:28what do you propose we ought to do with "trumpet"?
0:44:28 > 0:44:31- Talbot, another hundred lines. - CRASH
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Higher, fat head, higher!
0:44:37 > 0:44:38Oh! You wait here.
0:44:38 > 0:44:42Now, report to Miss Armstrong at once.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46CRASH
0:44:46 > 0:44:50All right, let us leave "trumpet" and think of "blast".
0:44:50 > 0:44:53Blast, somebody!
0:44:53 > 0:44:55BLAST, ANYBODY!
0:45:30 > 0:45:32As a young man,
0:45:32 > 0:45:34I studied yogi for a brief period.
0:45:34 > 0:45:38It has enabled me to bear with fortitude this situation
0:45:38 > 0:45:41- which otherwise I could never have endured.- Poppycock!
0:45:41 > 0:45:43Please let me finish.
0:45:43 > 0:45:46But yogi or no yogi,
0:45:46 > 0:45:50I am determined not to allow the situation to deteriorate further,
0:45:50 > 0:45:52- if that were possible. - Good afternoon, Mr Tripp.
0:45:52 > 0:45:53Furthermore...
0:45:54 > 0:45:59Mr Tripp, since you have apparently done nothing to rectify this state of affairs here,
0:45:59 > 0:46:03I intend to visit the Ministry this afternoon to see Mr Forrester.
0:46:04 > 0:46:10I'm not in the least concerned about an appointment. If Mr Forrester will not see me, I'll speak to my MP.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13He's probably playing golf.
0:46:13 > 0:46:17Matthews, will you ask Rainbow to get me a taxi, please?
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Can I have a word, Miss Whitchurch?
0:46:19 > 0:46:22- What is it, Miss Jezzard? - This porter.
0:46:22 > 0:46:24He refuses to take orders from me.
0:46:24 > 0:46:25I just want to know where I stand.
0:46:25 > 0:46:29Every time I ask him to do anything, he says he's too busy.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31She says I'm to take the brake to the station,
0:46:31 > 0:46:36and Mr Hyde-Brown says I'm to mark out the 2nd XV pitch. Which is it to be?
0:46:36 > 0:46:40Will you tell him or shall I?
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Very well, sir, it's all I want to know.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45Just a moment, Rainbow.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49I shall consider these requests entirely on their merits.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51That's right, haver about.
0:46:51 > 0:46:53Why has the brake to go to the station?
0:46:53 > 0:46:57- To meet parents off the 3 o'clock train.- Whose parents?
0:46:57 > 0:46:59- Ours.- Ours?
0:46:59 > 0:47:02- Ridiculous. - You invited them yourself.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06Mr and Mrs Parry, Mrs Jones, and Mr and Mrs Ibbertson.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09They were nervous about what sort of school this was,
0:47:09 > 0:47:12so you said they could come down and see for themselves.
0:47:12 > 0:47:15Why didn't you remind me? We must stop it at once.
0:47:15 > 0:47:18Stopping the 3 o'clock will be too much even for you.
0:47:18 > 0:47:24It's out of the question having the parents here with this man and his rabble around.
0:47:24 > 0:47:29- It had occurred to me... - Nothing ever occurs to you or they wouldn't be coming.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33When they see we're sharing a boys' school, they'll withdraw their children.
0:47:33 > 0:47:37Before we know where we are, we shall have no school left.
0:47:37 > 0:47:42- That will solve the problem.- This is no time for prep school repartee.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44Thinking caps. Thinking caps.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49I have it! You must remove your boys for the afternoon.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51Remove my boys?
0:47:51 > 0:47:53From my own school?!
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Mr Pond, for the past six days,
0:47:56 > 0:48:00- we have been living together with a fair measure of harmony...- Harmony?!
0:48:00 > 0:48:03With your shrieking progeny everywhere!
0:48:03 > 0:48:07I'm completely unmoved by your plight, madam. I don't give a fig.
0:48:07 > 0:48:11Mr Matthews, Miss Jezzard, would you be good enough to wait outside?
0:48:11 > 0:48:13And take the porter with you.
0:48:16 > 0:48:18There is talk in the common room
0:48:18 > 0:48:22that you are seeking an appointment as headmaster of Harlingham.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25What has that got to do with removing my boys?
0:48:25 > 0:48:30I thought you might like to know that I'm acquainted with one of the governors of that school.
0:48:30 > 0:48:35Oh, madam, I should not consider a recommendation from you an advantage.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37I wasn't thinking of a recommendation.
0:48:39 > 0:48:42You were trying to coerce me with threats, madam?
0:48:42 > 0:48:44The law takes a serious view of that.
0:48:44 > 0:48:48Have you the temerity to suggest that I'm trying to blackmail you?!
0:48:48 > 0:48:50I shall merely make a factual report.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54I see.
0:48:54 > 0:48:58There appear to be no depths to which you are not prepared to sink.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03If you have nothing to add but idle abuse,
0:49:03 > 0:49:07shall we recall Miss Jezzard and Mr Matthews and lay our plans?
0:49:11 > 0:49:13Run! Run!
0:49:32 > 0:49:35What on earth's going on with the goalposts?
0:49:35 > 0:49:39The school's got to beat it to the swimming baths.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41- What?- Some of the girls' parents are visiting.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45There's to be no sign that the shadow of man has crossed here.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48- How long's this to last? - Matinee performance only.
0:50:13 > 0:50:15Oh, look, there they are.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20Group dancing.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23- Yeah. Two guineas extra.- We know.
0:50:25 > 0:50:29Mrs Ibbertson is wearing that white hat she wore in the summer.
0:50:29 > 0:50:31This is no time for sartorial tittle-tattle.
0:50:31 > 0:50:35How do you do, Mrs Ibbertson? So nice to see you. Miss Jezzard.
0:50:35 > 0:50:39- ..How do you do, Mrs Jones? - A delightful spot.- Yes.
0:50:39 > 0:50:42- ..How do you do, Mr Parry? - How do you do?
0:50:42 > 0:50:46Tea will be laid in the study. A gracious old hall, don't you think?
0:50:46 > 0:50:50Yes. Still it must be trying to share a school.
0:50:50 > 0:50:54We are getting on nicely considering. A certain amount of hugger-mugger, of course.
0:50:54 > 0:50:59- Is there any difference in class with the other school? - Not so much of class as of outlook.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04I think I'll show you the dining hall first.
0:51:04 > 0:51:08- I hope you don't let the girls mix too much.- Not if I can help it.
0:51:08 > 0:51:11This dining hall is a gem in its way.
0:51:11 > 0:51:15Of course, it's rather a squeeze when they're all here.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17But we stagger most of the meals.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23- "Guard thine honour"? - The Nutbourne school motto.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26In my young day, such things were taken for granted.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29Well, the place goes back to Henry VIII.
0:51:31 > 0:51:35They tell me this part of the building used to be a barn
0:51:35 > 0:51:37before they rebuilt it. Well...
0:51:37 > 0:51:41what about pottering upstairs? I'm sure a cup of tea would be welcome.
0:51:41 > 0:51:45- It would indeed.- And then to the fray like giants refreshed. Off we go.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49I understand Henry built it for Anne Boleyn,
0:51:49 > 0:51:52but she was beheaded before she could move in.
0:51:52 > 0:51:55Such an unlucky woman, don't you think?
0:51:56 > 0:52:01- Shall we see the other school? - They've gone on an all-day ramble.
0:52:01 > 0:52:07- I wish you could have seen us working in tandem. No, that's the common room.- What a snug retreat!
0:52:07 > 0:52:12Yes, it is rather nice. A bit on the small side for our two staffs, but it serves.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15- Looks out onto the grounds. May I?- Of course.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22- Oh! There's nothing much to see, I'm afraid.- Quite an attractive view.
0:52:22 > 0:52:26Yes, isn't it? They tell me you can see the sea on a clear day.
0:52:27 > 0:52:30(Stand with your back to the bookcase.)
0:52:30 > 0:52:33Nutbourne must be a rather unusual school.
0:52:33 > 0:52:36Surely they're not in favour of blood sports?
0:52:36 > 0:52:40Oh, I gather that was a present from somebody's aunt.
0:52:42 > 0:52:46Just a minute. ..Excuse me. It's that stupid village newsagent.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49I ordered The Lady, and he sent Men Only.
0:52:50 > 0:52:54Shall we be getting along to my study now?
0:53:00 > 0:53:03What on earth are these doing here?!
0:53:03 > 0:53:10Well, this is Janet Hackett, who won the 220 yards breaststroke in 1946.
0:53:10 > 0:53:15And this is Evelyn Forbes, who won the 100 yards freestyle in 1947.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17And...
0:53:17 > 0:53:23this is Frieda Harris, our champion Morris dancer caught in mid-action. I think that's all.
0:53:32 > 0:53:36Telegram for Mr Pond. I thought it might be important.
0:53:36 > 0:53:40- Better open it.- I'm second master. If anyone's going to open it... - Oh, shut up.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43I say, this is the absolute penultimate.
0:53:43 > 0:53:47- The governors of Harlingham are coming here today.- But...- Here.
0:53:47 > 0:53:51- He did say they were coming. - But he couldn't have known when.
0:53:51 > 0:53:56- He'll never be headmaster of Harlingham now.- You don't need a crystal to tell you that.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59- He will remain here then.- For life. You realise what that means?
0:53:59 > 0:54:03- What are we to do?- We must put the school back and get Pond back.
0:54:03 > 0:54:07- What time is his train?- 3.15. - 10 minutes.- Get rid of the girls, I'll go to the station.
0:54:20 > 0:54:23There's Pond. Good afternoon, Mr Pond.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26I thought you might not have received our telegram.
0:54:26 > 0:54:30Dr Collet wanted it to be a surprise visit, but I told him that would not be fair.
0:54:30 > 0:54:35Just didn't want anything specially laid on. I wanted to see the school in normal conditions.
0:54:35 > 0:54:37So would I.
0:54:37 > 0:54:39Yes, so would I.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41So you shall.
0:54:41 > 0:54:46Well, well, well, how do you do, gentlemen? Welcome to Nutbourne.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50Just that your telegram scarcely left me enough time
0:54:50 > 0:54:54to make the necessary arrangements for your...reception.
0:54:54 > 0:54:58Will you excuse me one moment while I see what's happened to the taxi?
0:55:01 > 0:55:03Thank heavens you're still here.
0:55:03 > 0:55:07Gentlemen. (Mr Billings, keep your wits about you and smile.)
0:55:07 > 0:55:10Gentlemen, this is Mr Billings, my maths master.
0:55:10 > 0:55:14He very thoughtfully brought the school brake along.
0:55:14 > 0:55:16- ..Thank you.- That's all right, sir.
0:55:16 > 0:55:20- It was not our intention to disrupt the school work.- On the contrary.
0:55:20 > 0:55:24I can't imagine Mr Billings has left the boys without problems to solve.
0:55:24 > 0:55:28- That so, Billings?- Yes, sir. I imagine they'll take a while to clear them up.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30Yes.
0:55:30 > 0:55:31No doubt.
0:55:31 > 0:55:35- Well, there's no hurry.- We want to catch the last train back, Mr Pond.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38Beautiful country round here, isn't it?
0:55:38 > 0:55:41Yes, but as I said, we want to catch the last train back.
0:55:41 > 0:55:45You can do that but there's plenty of time to spare.
0:55:45 > 0:55:47- I do love this part of the country. - Delightful.
0:55:51 > 0:55:54Which...way are you going, Billings?
0:55:54 > 0:55:58Through Fairhurst and Upper Dudley and Lower Dudley and Braxton.
0:55:58 > 0:56:02- The short way.- That's right, Billings, the short way.
0:56:02 > 0:56:06I ask no more for youth than space and air and freedom from distraction.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08I'm glad to hear that, Miss Whitchurch.
0:56:08 > 0:56:12- Cynthia has reached the difficult age.- Angela's just the same.
0:56:12 > 0:56:19- I'm sure Miss Whitchurch grasps the dangers of adolescence.- Firmly, in both hands, if I may say so.
0:56:19 > 0:56:22- TELEPHONE RINGS Shall I answer it?- Please do.
0:56:22 > 0:56:26With all the discoveries of modern science these days,
0:56:26 > 0:56:31it is possible to...to...climb to its topmost branches... What?
0:56:31 > 0:56:35- A Mr Hartley of the Ministry.- Tell him we'll ring him back in an hour.
0:56:35 > 0:56:41I wonder if you'd mind if we rang back. You see... I beg your pardon?
0:56:41 > 0:56:44Just wondering how we're settling down, I expect.
0:56:44 > 0:56:47Now, let me see...where were we?
0:56:47 > 0:56:51Uh... Oh, yes! It is possible to climb to its topmost branches
0:56:51 > 0:56:56- and select the fruit where we will. - Are you sure you can't?
0:56:56 > 0:56:58- Oh, dear.- I said we'd ring him back.
0:56:58 > 0:57:03He's going out. He wants to know if we're still in trouble.
0:57:03 > 0:57:08I haven't the remotest idea what he's talking about. We're perfectly happy.
0:57:08 > 0:57:11No, we're all right, thank you very much.
0:57:11 > 0:57:12Good afternoon.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14Where was I?
0:57:14 > 0:57:16- Up the tree.- Oh, yes!
0:57:16 > 0:57:22Well, I do think it's a jolly rotten show. Not a word of explanation...
0:57:22 > 0:57:25- We'll explain later. - Well, it's not fair.
0:57:25 > 0:57:29Now look...! Where are you going with our goalposts?
0:57:29 > 0:57:30Honestly!
0:57:30 > 0:57:34I thought you said the school was a mere five minutes from the station.
0:57:34 > 0:57:38- In terms of jet propulsion(!) - It said Nutbourne down there.
0:57:46 > 0:57:50We've a first-class rugger team at Harlingham. What shape's yours in?
0:57:50 > 0:57:51It varies.
0:57:51 > 0:57:54Very pleasant outlook here.
0:57:54 > 0:57:57Uninterrupted too, the estate agents say.
0:57:57 > 0:58:01Mr Tassell, I'm all for team spirit and I don't want to rock the boat,
0:58:01 > 0:58:04but I can't keep my girls cooped up here all afternoon.
0:58:04 > 0:58:06Well, just hold on a minute.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11Ah, Matthews.
0:58:11 > 0:58:15This is Mr Matthews, my most able second-in-command.
0:58:15 > 0:58:17- Mr Angus McNally, Dr Collet... - How do you do, sir?
0:58:17 > 0:58:22..and Reverend James Rich. Well, gentlemen, shall we go inside?
0:58:29 > 0:58:33Here we are. This is the oldest part of the school. It goes back to Henry VIII.
0:58:33 > 0:58:35- Anyone in the dining hall?- No, sir.
0:58:35 > 0:58:39Well, Billings, perhaps you'll show it to these gentlemen.
0:58:39 > 0:58:44- Matthews and I will see about refreshment.- After you, gentlemen.
0:58:44 > 0:58:47- What happened?- I'm sorry, sir. We did what we could in the time.
0:58:47 > 0:58:51- We got the girls off the playing field.- Where are the rest of them? - Still here, I'm afraid.
0:58:51 > 0:58:56- We couldn't tell Miss Whitchurch, she's having tea with the parents in her study.- HER study?
0:58:56 > 0:58:58- YOUR study, sir. - She won't be for long.
0:58:58 > 0:59:02There's simply no holding Byron at lacrosse this term,
0:59:02 > 0:59:05so Tennyson and Shelley are going to stop the rot.
0:59:05 > 0:59:10When you've finished your tea, we'll see how the battle is faring.
0:59:10 > 0:59:12- RAINBOW:- Up your end! Higher!
0:59:19 > 0:59:21The sun's very gay this afternoon.
0:59:21 > 0:59:23Another cup of tea, Mr Ibbertson?
0:59:25 > 0:59:27Miss Whitchurch, I must speak to you at once.
0:59:27 > 0:59:30Oh, Doctor, if it's about that little protuberance
0:59:30 > 0:59:34on Cecilia Watson's neck, I'll see you in the common room.
0:59:34 > 0:59:37If you don't mind, Doctor. Excuse me, won't you?
0:59:37 > 0:59:40I hardly think buns and protuberances mix.
0:59:40 > 0:59:46How dare you burst in there, jeopardising my position in that reckless fashion?
0:59:46 > 0:59:51I don't care what you have to say. Do I have to remind you about the governors of Harlingham?
0:59:51 > 0:59:54You do not. They are in the dining hall, here to see the school.
0:59:54 > 0:59:57They've shut Shelley, Tennyson and Byron in the pav.
0:59:57 > 1:00:02- Shut your other brats with them, I'm bringing my boys back from the swimming pool at once.- Quiet.
1:00:02 > 1:00:07- My parents will hear you.- Your parents can go and...- Mr Pond!
1:00:07 > 1:00:12I don't want the whole building involved in the brouhaha. We'll thrash this out in the common room.
1:00:18 > 1:00:201931 was a vintage year, as you see.
1:00:20 > 1:00:24- Three scholarships to Oxford, two to Cambridge. - Before Pond's time, I imagine.
1:00:24 > 1:00:29It's no use brandishing governors. One look at what's going on, and my chances of Harlingham are ruined.
1:00:29 > 1:00:32I'll have to establish myself as a victim of circumstances.
1:00:32 > 1:00:39Ramsden, tell Mr Matthews to have the boys brought back from the swimming pool at once.
1:00:39 > 1:00:40So that's where they are.
1:00:40 > 1:00:43My mind is made up on one thing, Miss Whitchurch.
1:00:43 > 1:00:45If I sink, you sink with me.
1:00:45 > 1:00:49Don't act as if next week will do, man!
1:00:49 > 1:00:50Wait!
1:00:50 > 1:00:53Why should we sink, Mr Pond?
1:00:53 > 1:00:57If we keep our wits, we can still come through with flying colours.
1:00:57 > 1:01:00Let us examine this problem calmly.
1:01:00 > 1:01:03Miss Whitchurch, the governors are in the dining hall.
1:01:03 > 1:01:09And my parents are in the study. Both parties wish to tour the school. Very well, so they shall.
1:01:09 > 1:01:11But never the twain shall meet.
1:01:11 > 1:01:15- What will happen when the governors meet a swarm on girls?- They mustn't.
1:01:15 > 1:01:19The governors must only see boys, the parents, girls.
1:01:19 > 1:01:21We'll have two conducted tours
1:01:21 > 1:01:25going clockwise or anticlockwise, as the case may be.
1:01:25 > 1:01:28It's no use being lily-livered.
1:01:28 > 1:01:33If one party leaves five minutes after the other, we'll have time to interchange classes.
1:01:33 > 1:01:35It'll have to be a miracle of timing.
1:01:35 > 1:01:39If both parties follow the same course.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42If you want my opinion, the whole thing's imposs.
1:01:42 > 1:01:45We don't want your opinion. Thank you, Miss Gossage.
1:01:45 > 1:01:48- Every single boy and girl would have to co-operate.- Yes.
1:01:48 > 1:01:51That would mean Doris, Cynthia and Pamela deceiving their parents.
1:01:51 > 1:01:55An extra half holiday will cure that. Where's your child psychology?
1:01:55 > 1:01:57That's not the school spirit.
1:01:57 > 1:02:01- Don't talk to Mr Pond like that, Gossage.- Thank you, Miss Whitchurch.
1:02:01 > 1:02:04- Leave these arrangements to us. - What do you envisage?
1:02:04 > 1:02:09If I take my parents to see the school museum while you bring your governors to tea in the study,
1:02:09 > 1:02:12- that will give us time to set the stage.- Yes.
1:02:12 > 1:02:16- Now, let us swiftly plot the itinerary.- Please, allow me.
1:02:16 > 1:02:17Thank you, Mr Pond.
1:02:17 > 1:02:20Now, this must be very exactly timed.
1:02:20 > 1:02:24- Shall we first synchronise our watches?- Excellent.
1:02:24 > 1:02:28I'm not a complaining man, Maude, but take these rugby posts.
1:02:28 > 1:02:31It's an annual job that I don't look forward to,
1:02:31 > 1:02:36but today we've had 'em up, taken 'em down and had 'em up again!
1:02:36 > 1:02:41Now you've to take them down again. Tea for four in the study, Mrs Hampstead.
1:02:41 > 1:02:43I think everyone's gone absolutely batty.
1:02:43 > 1:02:47- The governors of Harlingham have arrived.- What? But...
1:02:47 > 1:02:51- Don't argue, get the boys back to school. - BLOWS WHISTLE
1:02:51 > 1:02:56We'll just have a quick cup, then start on our travels.
1:03:03 > 1:03:08Priscilla Johnson was romping in a haystack when that Bastard Purple alighted on her.
1:03:08 > 1:03:10She had him in the killing bottle in a flash.
1:03:10 > 1:03:13Here they come, girls. Onto the field again. Buck up!
1:03:13 > 1:03:16Hurrah!
1:03:23 > 1:03:27Well, I think that exhausts the butterflies.
1:03:27 > 1:03:30Shall we start out tour of the classrooms?
1:03:30 > 1:03:33It's always been my view that too much...
1:03:33 > 1:03:36- WHISTLE BLOWS Is that a rugby game?- No.
1:03:36 > 1:03:41Short blast. Too much concentration on examinations makes boys sluggish.
1:03:41 > 1:03:44Good afternoon, girls. You may sit down.
1:03:44 > 1:03:48- Good afternoon, Miss Harper. - Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.
1:03:48 > 1:03:54- This is the sixth form. They're taking French history. It'll be Louis XIII.- There's Angela.
1:03:54 > 1:03:56Could we have a word with Angela?
1:03:56 > 1:03:59If you wish. Angela Parry, you may fall out.
1:04:01 > 1:04:03Hello, Mumsy.
1:04:03 > 1:04:07- Hello, Pop.- Hello, Angela. - It's good to see you.
1:04:07 > 1:04:09Your parents want to know how you like the school,
1:04:09 > 1:04:13but don't commit yourself unless you've made up your mind.
1:04:13 > 1:04:17Oh, I have. I think it's an absolute scorcher! I never dreamt...
1:04:17 > 1:04:19How's your history progressing, Angela?
1:04:19 > 1:04:21She's always been weak on dates.
1:04:21 > 1:04:25- Not this term, Pop.- What are you up to at the moment, Angela?
1:04:25 > 1:04:26Oh, nothing, Mumsy.
1:04:26 > 1:04:31- If they've been telling you about Archie Brown...- Archie...
1:04:31 > 1:04:37Archibald Brown, in case you didn't know, was the man who held the torch for Guy Fawkes.
1:04:37 > 1:04:41I've been running them over the "backroom boys" of history.
1:04:41 > 1:04:45Get back to your class now, Angela. Say goodbye to your parents.
1:04:45 > 1:04:48- Bye, Mumsy. Bye, Pop.- Goodbye, dear. - Goodbye, Angela.- That's right.
1:04:48 > 1:04:51Come along, everybody. Such a charming child.
1:04:51 > 1:04:56A great favourite with the other girls. A pity she's leaving this term.
1:04:56 > 1:04:59Oh, to the right now, Mrs Ibbertson.
1:05:06 > 1:05:08OK.
1:05:10 > 1:05:12All clear. Away with the first party.
1:05:12 > 1:05:15Right, move one pace forward. March.
1:05:15 > 1:05:17Now, at the double.
1:05:24 > 1:05:28- Surely they'll find out.- Ours is not to reason why.- If they do, we'll have to find fresh posts.
1:05:28 > 1:05:33- Yes, at a progressive school where the kids throw inkpots! - It'll be a rest after this.
1:05:35 > 1:05:40- That must be the start of the game. - No, no, three short blasts for that.
1:05:40 > 1:05:45If you're finished with your tea, we can start on our circumambulation.
1:05:45 > 1:05:49Now we're going to see the miming class. They're doing the death of Charles I.
1:05:49 > 1:05:54- The one with the crown is the king. - Could we go in and watch?
1:05:54 > 1:05:57Well, perhaps for a few minutes.
1:05:57 > 1:06:01But no talking. It's an iron rule with the miming class.
1:06:11 > 1:06:15Good afternoon, boys. Good afternoon, Mr Tassell. Sit down, boys.
1:06:15 > 1:06:17Gentlemen, they're taking English.
1:06:17 > 1:06:19Carry on, Mr Tassell.
1:06:19 > 1:06:25As I was saying, a mixed metaphor is an expression in which two or three metaphors are confused.
1:06:25 > 1:06:30- Could the boys give an example? I'd like to see what they know. - Certainly. Metcalf,
1:06:30 > 1:06:33would you give us an example of a mixed metaphor?
1:06:33 > 1:06:38Playing with fire. Skating on thin ice. And if anything happens to upset the applecart,
1:06:38 > 1:06:42someone is going to lose his bread and butter.
1:06:42 > 1:06:44Very good, Metcalf. Sit down.
1:06:44 > 1:06:46- They seem quite bright.- Yes.
1:06:46 > 1:06:51- That satisfies me. Shall we move on? - Gentlemen, wouldn't you like to hear a little...onomatopoeia?
1:06:51 > 1:06:54They're good at onomatopoeia.
1:06:54 > 1:06:57- What did you say your name was? - Metcalf, sir.- Metcalf.
1:06:57 > 1:07:01To your right, gentlemen, to your right.
1:07:32 > 1:07:34Down, girls, away you go.
1:07:36 > 1:07:38Come along, Jennifer, no loitering.
1:07:38 > 1:07:42The school curriculum, I'll explain it quite briefly.
1:07:42 > 1:07:47We don't want to know about the curriculum. We want a picture of the way the school is running.
1:07:58 > 1:08:02- Who on earth was that?- Little Lucy, the housekeeper's daughter.
1:08:02 > 1:08:06The rascal's not allowed upstairs. I'll have to speak to Mrs Hampstead.
1:08:06 > 1:08:08Gentlemen, shall we make history?
1:08:11 > 1:08:13It's a maze of corridors around here.
1:08:13 > 1:08:16This way, if you please. Round the corner.
1:08:16 > 1:08:20We'll have to hurry to see the dressmaking class before break.
1:08:20 > 1:08:25The middle third are leading the school with their underwear this term.
1:08:25 > 1:08:31- The upper fifth are taking William of Orange.- We needn't bother with that.- I don't think so.
1:08:31 > 1:08:35- Not William of Orange?- I'd rather see the rugger.- So you shall.
1:08:35 > 1:08:37We've got to see other things first.
1:08:42 > 1:08:45- They skipped the upper fifth. They're catching up.- Run!
1:08:45 > 1:08:49Quite an impressive collection of nether garments, Miss Curtis.
1:08:50 > 1:08:53I think we'd better pass on now.
1:08:53 > 1:08:58I don't want you to miss the choir's rendering of Nymphs And Shepherds, Come Away.
1:08:58 > 1:09:02Thank you, Miss Curtis. Come along, or we shall be too late.
1:09:02 > 1:09:06Edward, please, you simply must look at these etchings.
1:09:06 > 1:09:13- This particular one...- Interesting, I'm sure, but not what we came to see. Where do we go from here?
1:09:13 > 1:09:15Oh, let me see.
1:09:15 > 1:09:19Yes, I think we might risk a little theoretical physics.
1:09:20 > 1:09:23BOYS LAUGH AND GIGGLE
1:09:25 > 1:09:28Quiet, boys, quiet. Get that stuff out of sight.
1:09:28 > 1:09:32We seem to be doing a lot of padding round, don't we?
1:09:32 > 1:09:34Oh, how stupid of me!
1:09:34 > 1:09:40The physics class is first right and first right again. 15 years here and I don't know my own way yet!
1:09:41 > 1:09:45- They've gone down the wrong corridor.- Gosh, that's torn it!
1:09:45 > 1:09:49Nymphs And Shepherds should be accompanied by a recorder and a harpsichord.
1:09:49 > 1:09:56- What is it, dear?- They've gone the wrong way.- Don't bother me now, Alice. Unpick it and start again.
1:09:56 > 1:10:00She's such a panicky child. She never manages blackberry stitches.
1:10:00 > 1:10:03Oh, we've plenty of cupboard accommodation.
1:10:03 > 1:10:06Oh, I should have known they were there. I'm so sorry.
1:10:06 > 1:10:10A mistake at the sports shop. They sent the wrong sort.
1:10:10 > 1:10:12This is indeed circumambulation.
1:10:12 > 1:10:15Pack them all in, Helen.
1:10:15 > 1:10:17Oh, we're almost there, gentlemen.
1:10:17 > 1:10:21- Good heavens! Who did that?- That reminds me.- I'm afraid it would.
1:10:21 > 1:10:24All in good time, Doctor. I'll enquire into this later.
1:10:24 > 1:10:26Now...
1:10:28 > 1:10:31Good afternoon, boys. Sit down.
1:10:31 > 1:10:37Mr Ramsden. This is the middle fifth. They're fairly advanced with their physics, I'm happy to say.
1:10:37 > 1:10:40- Electronics? Well... - What the devil's this?
1:10:44 > 1:10:47Has the dressmaking class been here?
1:10:47 > 1:10:53Many boys go into the navy. We had a request from the Admiralty that they should mend their own clothes.
1:10:53 > 1:10:57- Yes, but this is crepe de Chine underwear.- Huh! Lucky to get it!
1:10:57 > 1:11:00Very, very lucky indeed!
1:11:00 > 1:11:03# ..In these groves Let's sport and play
1:11:03 > 1:11:06# Let's sport and play Let's sport and play
1:11:06 > 1:11:09# For this is Flora's holiday
1:11:09 > 1:11:11# This is Flora's holiday
1:11:11 > 1:11:15# This is Flora's holiday... # There's Angela again.
1:11:15 > 1:11:21Fancy! There must have been a quick changeover while we came upstairs.
1:11:21 > 1:11:24SINGING CONTINUES
1:11:28 > 1:11:30I'm sorry we couldn't stay longer.
1:11:32 > 1:11:34# Your flocks may now Now, now, now
1:11:34 > 1:11:36# Now, now, now Now, now, now
1:11:36 > 1:11:38# Securely rove... #
1:11:38 > 1:11:45I love listening to boy sopranos, don't you? Sometimes it's impossible to distinguish them from girls.
1:11:45 > 1:11:49- BOYS SING IN DEEP VOICES - # Where have you been all the day Billy boy, Billy boy?
1:11:49 > 1:11:53# Where have you been all the day My Billy boy...? #
1:11:53 > 1:11:58I believe in contrast too. I'm for developing musical appreciation.
1:11:58 > 1:12:02- We don't want to be bothered by this, Dr Collins.- What?
1:12:02 > 1:12:05- No, I suppose not. - I'd rather like to.
1:12:05 > 1:12:08No, I thought not. I'd like you to look into the sick room a moment.
1:12:08 > 1:12:11I'm more interested in the fit than the unfit.
1:12:11 > 1:12:13- What about the rugger? - Immediately afterwards.
1:12:16 > 1:12:18To the right, then up the stairs.
1:12:22 > 1:12:27We haven't had many people in the sick room. I think the air must agree with them.
1:12:27 > 1:12:32It's nice to have the sick room at the top of the house. So much more air.
1:12:32 > 1:12:35We mustn't stop long. Good afternoon, girls.
1:12:35 > 1:12:37Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.
1:12:37 > 1:12:42I mustn't let you pick up germs, or the doctor will be on my track. Now the gymnasium.
1:12:42 > 1:12:44- To your right and downstairs. - DOOR CLOSES
1:12:51 > 1:12:55I hate to be a nuisance, but I'm most anxious to see the lacrosse.
1:12:55 > 1:13:00Yes, Mrs Jones, we'll see what we can do. You'll be delighted with the gym display.
1:13:04 > 1:13:06Pleasant little gym, isn't it?
1:13:09 > 1:13:11Why, there's Angela again.
1:13:11 > 1:13:14Yes, the child's quite ubiquitous.
1:13:14 > 1:13:20Miss Harper. (It should be rugby now, but tell Miss Gossage to lay on lacrosse in five minutes.)
1:13:20 > 1:13:22- Very good.- Thank you.
1:13:26 > 1:13:31Gossy, you're to get the girls back on the field with lacrosse again.
1:13:31 > 1:13:35- But they've just started a rugger game.- Miss Whitchurch's orders.
1:13:35 > 1:13:38All right, girls, back on the field.
1:13:40 > 1:13:42Here we are.
1:13:42 > 1:13:45Nothing much wrong with the patients, I'm glad to say.
1:13:45 > 1:13:47Now for the gym.
1:13:47 > 1:13:53- Just time for a quick look at the garden, then to the lacrosse, eh, Mrs Jones?- Thank you.- Left here.
1:13:55 > 1:13:57Come on, girls, out!
1:14:04 > 1:14:07Right, boys, on the mat, quickly!
1:14:07 > 1:14:08Down.
1:14:08 > 1:14:10Change round.
1:14:10 > 1:14:13I've got a special display laid on for you.
1:14:13 > 1:14:15- They're coming.- Here...
1:14:15 > 1:14:17This way, gentlemen,
1:14:17 > 1:14:19the boys are very keen.
1:14:28 > 1:14:31Good, good. Very good, Tassell.
1:14:31 > 1:14:36Yes, there's nothing like plenty of good, healthy exercise.
1:14:36 > 1:14:38Don't you agree, Doctor?
1:14:38 > 1:14:39Where's Dr Collet?
1:14:39 > 1:14:41Where's Dr Collet?!
1:14:41 > 1:14:46- Good afternoon. Could you tell me where I can find Miss Whitchurch? - I've never heard of her.
1:14:49 > 1:14:51Dr Collet! Where's Dr Collet?
1:14:52 > 1:14:54Dr Collet!
1:14:58 > 1:14:59Oh! Oh!
1:15:05 > 1:15:08- Mr Pond!- We're waiting for an explanation, Mr Pond.
1:15:08 > 1:15:10Can't you see I'm trying to think of one?
1:15:10 > 1:15:13Never mind, come outside, I'll show you something.
1:15:17 > 1:15:20GIRLS SHOUT Take a look at that.
1:15:20 > 1:15:22What on earth?!
1:15:35 > 1:15:39We won seven matches last term and hope to do even better this term.
1:15:41 > 1:15:43That's bad.
1:15:47 > 1:15:50Come on, girls, tackle him low. Get him down.
1:15:50 > 1:15:53- Stop it!- Hold him, hold him!
1:15:53 > 1:15:56Stop it, Gossage. Stop it.
1:15:56 > 1:15:58That's ghastly.
1:15:58 > 1:16:00Lacrosse.
1:16:02 > 1:16:04La-double-cross.
1:16:04 > 1:16:07- It's unbelievable.- It's monstrous!
1:16:07 > 1:16:09Excuse me, you're Mr Pond, I believe.
1:16:09 > 1:16:12My name is West, regional officer of the Ministry.
1:16:12 > 1:16:18I've been instructed to deal with this matter. Most unfortunate, but I think I've found the solution.
1:16:18 > 1:16:21You are a co-educational school, I believe.
1:16:21 > 1:16:27Well, I've arranged for another co-education school to replace St Swithin's next Wednesday.
1:16:27 > 1:16:31- What, another school?- It looks as if they're ahead of schedule.
1:16:49 > 1:16:52- Have you the faintest idea what's going on?- No, dear.
1:16:59 > 1:17:01BELLS RING, HOOTERS BLARE
1:17:23 > 1:17:25I have a brother
1:17:25 > 1:17:27who grows groundnuts in Tanganyika.
1:17:27 > 1:17:30He writes that there are splendid opportunities
1:17:30 > 1:17:32for education among the natives.
1:17:32 > 1:17:35Oh, madam, I'm amenable to any suggestion.