0:00:08 > 0:00:10FEEDBACK
0:00:10 > 0:00:11Is this fucking thing on? Oh...
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15He's wacky, he's zany,
0:00:15 > 0:00:19he's one entire sixth of the greatest comedy team the world has ever seen.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24Here to reveal all, please welcome Monty Python's Graham Chapman!
0:00:24 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Er, before I begin,
0:00:28 > 0:00:31there is a favour I would like to ask of all of you, please.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34And I do mean every single person in the room.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38No opting out. I'd like everyone to join in with this, please.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I would like to ask you all for 30 seconds...
0:00:41 > 0:00:43of abuse.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44LAUGHTER
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Go on!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47AUDIENCE SHOUTS
0:00:47 > 0:00:52- You piece of turd.- You arsehole! - Get off!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Thank you so much.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- Get off!- Wanker!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Go home!- Get off!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05ABUSE CONTINUES
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- You lazy liar!- You muff diver!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Chicken-plucker!
0:01:15 > 0:01:1915 seconds to go! Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I want my fucking money back!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Oh, thank you. Thank you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Get off that stage!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Thank you.- You suck!- Maggot!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32You're a shit!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34You-you-you-you... You miscreant!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I like you!
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Thank you very much indeed. That was excellent abuse.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44And it will certainly save a lot of time later on.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:56New York, 1976. The City Center theatre.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Monty Python's Flying Circus is appearing. We are in mid-sketch.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I am playing Oscar Wilde.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08My congratulations, Wilde. Your play is a great success.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10The whole of London is talking about you.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about
0:02:14 > 0:02:16and that is NOT being talked about.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Very witty, Wilde. Very witty.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25There is only one thing worse in the world than being witty
0:02:25 > 0:02:28and that is not being witty.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29APPLAUSE
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I wish I had said that.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37You will, Oscar. You will.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Your Highness, do you know James McNeill Whistler?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Yes. We play squash together.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47There is only one thing worse than playing squash together
0:02:47 > 0:02:50and that is playing it by yourself.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53'He waits expectantly for the roars of laughter
0:02:53 > 0:02:56'and the shrieks of glee. They do not come.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00'The silence grows longer.'
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I wish I hadn't said that.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06You did, Oscar. You did.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You must forgive me, Wilde, but I must get back up the palace.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13'Wilde is desperate. It's unheard of -
0:03:13 > 0:03:16'the Prince of Wales is leaving with a smile on his face
0:03:16 > 0:03:19'that had not been put there by Oscar Wilde. He blurts...'
0:03:19 > 0:03:24Your Majesty, you are like a big jam doughnut with cream on top.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I beg your pardon?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Er...er... Erm, it was one of Whistler's.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- I didn't say that. - You did, James. You did.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I...I meant that, er,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39like a doughnut, your arrival, Your Majesty, gives us pleasure,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43and your departure only makes us hungry for more.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Your Majesty is like a stream of bat's piss.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- I beg your pardon? - It was one of Wilde's.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53One of Wilde's.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Uh...uh...uh...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59'I have just dried. I cannot remember the next line.'
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I'm waiting, Wilde. I'm waiting.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07'The entire theatre waits... and as they wait, so do I,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10'for that damned line to enter my head. It refuses to come.'
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Oh, get on with it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Get on with it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Dr Chapman?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56We'll be landing in Los Angeles shortly.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Hello? Dr Chapman?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Are you all right, Dr Chapman?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Keep your seat belts fastened and all your luggage stowed safely.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Turn off your head sets and electrical equipment
0:05:11 > 0:05:13until you see the seat belt sign turned off.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14MONITOR BEEPS
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Bleurgh!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25'It's at moments like this when one thinks,
0:05:25 > 0:05:29'"Oh, fuck it. Does it really matter? What are we all here for?'
0:05:29 > 0:05:33"Are we predestined to take the paths we follow?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:36I was born in Leamington,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39now officially known as Royal Leamington Spa,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43moderately famous for the manufacture of gas cookers.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45The year was 1942
0:05:45 > 0:05:48and the period of gestation ended on the 7th of February,
0:05:48 > 0:05:49during are rather botched-up air raid
0:05:49 > 0:05:52in which the Germans thought they were hitting Coventry.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57My parents, Tim and Beryl -
0:05:57 > 0:06:01sorry, Tim and Betty - were outraged when I arrived
0:06:01 > 0:06:04because they'd been expecting a heterosexual black Jew
0:06:04 > 0:06:06with several rather amusing birth deformities,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08as they needed the problems.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14They lived in an enormous Gothic castle in the south of France
0:06:14 > 0:06:17called Dundrinking- gin-and-slimline-tonic- with-ice-but-no-lemon-in,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21which was originally built by Marco Polo for himself and a few friends
0:06:21 > 0:06:24he wanted to invite round to his place after the pub closed.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25BELL RINGS
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I must admit so far
0:06:34 > 0:06:39that this has not had much more than a grain of truth in it,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41but it is more interesting
0:06:41 > 0:06:45than all the usual humdrum wetting of nappies and, later, pants,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48and not being allowed to sit next to Lottie the Czechoslovakian girl
0:06:48 > 0:06:50because I once shat myself,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52seeing bits of people hanging from trees... Oh!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55That does sound interesting. Perhaps I should put that down.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57I was three at the time
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and my mother wanted to take me along to see my father.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Ooh, coochy-coochy-coo!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Walter. - Sorry, dear. I'm busy.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17Hey, you. That's sack's already got two legs in it.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Walter, dear, we were just out shopping
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and I thought that Graham might like...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Look, dear, can't you come back later?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Has anyone found that head yet?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Has anyone in this street found a head?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Oh, come on. Someone must have it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33I know this street.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34You'd steal anything.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I mean, what the bloody hell are you going to do with a head?
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Oh, dear.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Perhaps we'll go and get your tea.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44What? Oh, yes.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Egg on toast, please.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Left arm here. Anyone missing a left arm?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51We haven't got any eggs. There is a war on.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Ask Harold.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Something's bound to have fallen off the back of a lorry.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57All right, dear. Come on, Graham.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Stop staring at all that blood. It won't do you any good.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Oh, come on, Mum. This must be one of my major formative experiences.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Waah!
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Moo!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Eton.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Summer term, or "wops" as we called it,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30seemed to have dragged on endlessly.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32The smell of freshly mown grass
0:08:32 > 0:08:35wafted over from far-off Hayes meadow,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38the village clock chimed in the distance
0:08:38 > 0:08:41and somewhere, miles above our petty earth,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45a wisp of cloud took flame from the dying embers of the setting sun.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47They combined to produce an atmosphere
0:08:47 > 0:08:49so redolent of this type of writing.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00"Iam victoria tam facilis scrotum non valet".
0:09:09 > 0:09:12We always beat Harrow anyway. Why bother?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Oh, Chapman, sir, may I clean your teeth tonight? Oh, please?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Why don't you bugger off, Shagspot?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Oh! Thank you, sir.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Plucky little squit, that young McMillan. Should go far.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36In a few days, I would be in Nice,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39soaking up the sun at the side of my father's pool,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42while Jenkins hovered by with a tray of vodkatinis.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Would you like another sandwich, dear?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52What?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54They're your favourite, sandwich spread.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58'So this is Nice?'
0:10:00 > 0:10:03What do you mean, Nice? This is Scarborough.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You do too much reading.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08It'll do you more good if you eat your tea.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Quite right.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You can't get through to him when he's got a book in his hand.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- What is it, anyway?- It's called Claudius the God, by Robert Graves.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18A fine historical reconstruction of the life of Claudius,
0:10:18 > 0:10:19the republican Roman emperor,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21thought of in his time as a pitiful fool,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24though the reign Mr Graves describes is far from folly.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Is it?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Hmph!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Anyway, finish your tea. We ought to get a haddock for Mrs Richers.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36There's plenty time for that later on.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Thraxted's doesn't close till five.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40They're bound to be out of haddock by then.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41We'll get halibut.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Mrs Richers especially asked for the haddock.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Oh, haddock, halibut, cod. There's no difference.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49It's all fish.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Let's just sit here for a bit and enjoy the view.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- It's raining. - It's bracing.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56You should have your window open, lad.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Get a bit of ozone in your lungs.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Ozone is oxygen in a condensed state,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05having three atoms to the molecule. O3.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- What you can smell is rotting seaweed.- Well, it's good for you.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- No, it isn't. - Don't argue with your father.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's those fancy books he's been reading.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You can't learn everything out of books, my lad.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18There's no argument. It's a fact.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Stop it, Graham. Now, come on. We'll go and get the fish.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23No, we won't. We'll stay here.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I think we should go and get the fish.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Hm. That ship over there is bringing wood from Norway,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35coniferous wood used in the paper manufacturing industry
0:11:35 > 0:11:37since the late 15th century.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42But the first paper mill in England was owned by John Tate in Hertford,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44a manufacturer of continuous lengths, however, was...
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Oh, the Tates.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Wasn't their youngest walking about with that Valerie Maskell?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51No.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52This process was developed
0:11:52 > 0:11:55by the stationers Messrs H and S Fourdrinier.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57It WAS her. You remember.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00She was the one that got all the spots at secretarial college.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Quiet, Edith.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- HE MIMES - The Fourdriniers were assisted
0:12:04 > 0:12:07in this by Mr Bryan Donkin, an inventor and engineer.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Donkin - wasn't his step-uncle Stephanie
0:12:10 > 0:12:12a wholesale poulterer in Peatling Parva?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- No! - Yes, he was.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It was their youngest that moved downstairs
0:12:17 > 0:12:18next door to the chemist in Wimbledon,
0:12:18 > 0:12:20nearly opposite the Gantleys.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Shut up.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Do you realise that if you look out there on a very clear day,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29you can't quite see Denmark?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I think we should get the haddock.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Will you shut up about the bloody haddock?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Why is it that every bloody year... - Language.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Every year our summer holiday consists of two weeks
0:12:40 > 0:12:43in Scarborough, Filey or Bridlington,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45sitting in a car in the rain, bickering?
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Why don't we go to bloody Denmark? - Language!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- We did promise haddock. - Oh, all right!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58We'll go and get your bloody, flaming, bloody haddock!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Trouble with you two is you don't appreciate the beauties of nature.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03CAR BACKFIRES
0:13:08 > 0:13:11What's that you've got back there?
0:13:11 > 0:13:16- It's a book.- What book? - I, Biggles by Captain WE Graves.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Captain, eh? Mm. That sounds better.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26ENGINE RUMBLES
0:13:34 > 0:13:36MUSIC: "633 Squadron" by Ron Goodwin
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Everything OK, skipper?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Tell you what, old man. Having a bit of trouble with this.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Could you just pop your hand down my Mae West, old tapir?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Well, if that's an order, old guillemot.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- It is. - Righty-o.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Here it comes, old bison.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Ooh!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01THEY CHUCKLE
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Ooh...
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Ahhh!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- Don't stop now! I'm nearly there. - So am I!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Oh-oh-oh-ohhh!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- What about me? - Oh, fuck off, Ginger.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46To heck with the lot of them.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55THEY GIGGLE
0:16:05 > 0:16:06I'll just jolly well sit down here
0:16:06 > 0:16:11and improve the bally old mind a little, don't you know.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13The Complete Works of Captain WE Johns.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16How to speak English in other languages.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19The Interpretation of Dreams, by Sigmund Freud.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25In the following lecture, I, Sigmund Freud,
0:16:25 > 0:16:29shall prove the entire psychology of man can only be understood
0:16:29 > 0:16:32with a reference to the science of navigation.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Spot on.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37In relation to this, I remember a young adolescent
0:16:37 > 0:16:42who was having reoccurring dreams about flying.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47A fictional aviator called Bigglesworth and his companions
0:16:47 > 0:16:50are attempting to escape from a Focke-Wulf
0:16:50 > 0:16:53which is pursuing them and shooting at them.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56A typical dream recall of a particularly exciting episode
0:16:56 > 0:16:58of an adventure story for boys.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Or so it would seem.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Let's look at the dream more closely.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06The first thing we notice is that throughout the scene
0:17:06 > 0:17:11we see navigational elements hidden not so far below the surface.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16A compass, indicating the plane's direction of travel.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22A map behind the aviators telling them where they are going.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25All unmistakable symptoms of a navigational obsession.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Note also the use of zoological terminology
0:17:31 > 0:17:33in their navigational exchange with one another.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37"Old bison," "old tapir" and even "old guillemot"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40clearly indicates a yearning for a pre-rational
0:17:40 > 0:17:41animal state of existence
0:17:41 > 0:17:45in which navigation is not yet distinguishable
0:17:45 > 0:17:47from simply running around.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51The boy patient clearly identifies himself with the minor character,
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Ginger,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54who is excluded from the adventure
0:17:54 > 0:17:58because he is navigationally inadequate.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Ginger? That's me.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Inadequate? What a bally awful tone, don't you know, what ho, old chap.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- You've been bloody reading again. - I haven't.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Well, what's this in my hand?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Oh, it's The Interpretation of Dreams, by Sigmund Freud,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25probably his most original work,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28in which he discovered a way of exploring the unconscious
0:18:28 > 0:18:30and found that neurotic symptoms are like dreams,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33in that they are a product of conflict and compromise
0:18:33 > 0:18:35between the conscious and unconscious states...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- He was able to...- Is it?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39What's this?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"Sucking at the mother's breast
0:18:41 > 0:18:46"is the starting point for the whole sexual life,
0:18:46 > 0:18:51"the unmatched prototype of every latent sexual satisfaction"?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I've got the haddock. Now, what were you saying?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Oh, another book, dear? What is it this time?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Nothing. Just a road map.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Who's "Frood," then?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08He's an expert on...navigation. Very interesting.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11His theories on navigation, you see. Longitude and latitude.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- That sort of thing. - Ah, well. That's enough of that.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Let's get back to Mrs Richers with this haddock.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Right.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Quite a lot happened over the next few years.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32A disastrous sexual experiment with Rita Blake,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34my first love affair with another boy.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Ooh!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Stuffing snails into a gatepost with Annette Hoy,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41the hen-stealing nuns,
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Pigshit Freeman,
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Miss Chamberlain's three consecutive head girls pregnant,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51my questions about ejaculation to the biology master,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Albert the groundsman,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56me holding hands with Mark Collins in a maths class,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58painting John Wilder black,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"Who knows Eskimo Nell?",
0:20:00 > 0:20:03M'sieur le bog va pooh,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07and elderly spinsters wanking off birthday cakes.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10But such trivia needs no elaboration.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12One childhood is much like another.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Amateur psychologists who think it clever
0:20:14 > 0:20:16to explain the character of the later man
0:20:16 > 0:20:18for a jumble of largely fictitious memories
0:20:18 > 0:20:22can ferret for their filth in other people's autobiographies.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23MONKEYS SCREECH
0:20:24 > 0:20:26HORN HONKS
0:20:31 > 0:20:32PFFRRRT!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38MONKEY JABBERS
0:20:38 > 0:20:41In the spring of nineteen sixty-splunge,
0:20:41 > 0:20:44John Cleese and Graham Chapman
0:20:44 > 0:20:47thought they might like to do another television programme.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50In another part of London, Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Eric Idle,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53and an American draft dodger - and who can blame him? -
0:20:53 > 0:20:57called Terry Vance Gilliam thought they would too.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Me? Ahem. I still like Owl-Stretching Time.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Of course, it was my idea. Terry Jones.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04PIANO TINKLES
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And lots of noises only the Welsh can make.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I still like A Horse, A Bucket And A Spoon.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12His suggestion. J Cleese.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Look, you Welsh git. We discarded that about two hours ago.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Oh, fucking hell!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19I remember not being particularly interested
0:21:19 > 0:21:21in the debate about titles.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Had I given up medicine for trivia such as this?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- Aren't we able to talk about things? - Yes.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30But do we have to go on about it in such a high-pitched voice?
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Eee!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34John Cleese guffaws like a barrister having made his point.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36This winds Terry Jones up to near violence.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Of course I go on about it. It's fucking important.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Terry, would you or would you not say
0:21:42 > 0:21:45that the rest of us have already agreed that we don't like it?
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Characteristic of his temperament, T Jones calms down instantly,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53having vented his spleen on inanimate objects.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I still like Owl Stretching Time. M Palin.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02No, I've gone off that a bit. I prefer Sex And Violence,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05But I think Terry's got a point about A Horse, A Bucket And A Spoon.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, sorry. Sorry, Graham.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09You're doing all the voices in this bit, aren't you?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11I'll shut up.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14M Palin.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17No, I've gone off that a bit. I prefer Sex And Violence,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20but I do think Terry's got a point about A Horse, A Bucket And A Spoon.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Oh, come off it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24And so it was decided to call it...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Monty Python's Flying Circus.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29MUSIC SWELLS
0:22:31 > 0:22:32CLATTERING
0:22:43 > 0:22:47MUSIC: "Zadok the Priest" by George Frideric Handel
0:22:52 > 0:22:57Cambridge, a university town built in a featureless, flat landscape.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01So featureless, in fact,
0:23:01 > 0:23:05you wonder why anyone chose it as a location for anything.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09The magnificence of St John's,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11the noteworthy splendour of Trinity,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14the sheer portliness of the banks
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and some very high walls, behind which a semi-aristocratic elite
0:23:18 > 0:23:20could hide from the outside world
0:23:20 > 0:23:22and go to each other's rooms for sherry.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30And gazing at the magnificent,
0:23:30 > 0:23:34noteworthy, sheer splendour of the portly King's College chapel,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38it would be a world-weary traveller indeed who did not pause to think,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42"Why the fuck didn't they build the whole town two inches to the right?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Sorry!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14BELL TOLLS
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Hmm.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Tsk. Hmm.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Hmm.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47GLASS SHATTERS
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Argh!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Stop! Everybody stop! Right.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56If I find any more of you bloody idiots
0:24:56 > 0:24:58heating up ether over an open flame,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00I'll...I'll kill you!
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I haven't been a munitions expert in two world wars
0:25:03 > 0:25:05to get slaughtered by a load of ignorant tits!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08If you don't know what you're doing, get out!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Ahem...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- So, Chapman...- Yes.- Let's see.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Oh, now, do you play rugby?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I play for Melton Mowbray Rugby Football Club, first team.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- What position do you play? - Second row.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37That's good. We need a second row.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Absolutely. We'll see you in September.
0:25:42 > 0:25:48Ahem, there is just one small matter, of course. Just a formality.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Your A-level results here. You're taking three A-levels?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54- Oh, yes, yes. - Will you pass physics?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56No.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Why not?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Uh...well, I'm not sure.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Not sure, eh? That means you're in doubt?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- Well, no... - Do you mean yes?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Uh...yes.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11So a pass may be possible, eh?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Uh, yes. Possible.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Probable, even? - Well, I, uh...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Let me put it another way.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Are you going to fail?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22No.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25No?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- How did it go? - Oh, fine.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Mind you, I've got to pass physics.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Well, you'll do that, won't you?
0:26:40 > 0:26:41DOG BARKS
0:26:42 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER ON TV
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I think at about this juncture,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49it would be wise to point out to those of you who haven't noticed,
0:26:49 > 0:26:50and God knows it's apparent enough,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Jonathan Miller and myself come from good families
0:26:54 > 0:26:57and have had the benefits of a public school education.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Whereas the other two members of the cast
0:26:59 > 0:27:03have worked their way up from working-class origins.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07And yet Jonathan and I are working together with them in the cast...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:14..and treating them as equals.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20And I'd like to say it's proving to be a most enjoyable,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23worthwhile and stimulating experience for both of us.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- Wouldn't you agree, Jonathan? - Certainly is.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I'm most impressed by the whole thing.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31It's...it's your results.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Ah.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45What... What does it... What does it say?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47It says... It says...
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Three passes! That means you're in, doesn't it?
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Well done, Graham.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# Rejoice! Rejoice! #
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I have been accepted by Emmanuel College.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I've bought a gown, several club ties,
0:28:03 > 0:28:07walked around in a tweed suit with a pipe and tried to look clever.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08The pipe was very useful,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11because it meant that if anyone said anything I didn't understand,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I could puff on it and seem incredibly deep in thought.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17The tweed suit didn't fool anybody, but the pipe worked a treat.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20In tutorials, I was asked fewer questions.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23It also helped clobber the stench of formalin in the dissecting rooms.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Describe the vagina.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- Kevin. - Um, right.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Well, it's a sensitive organ.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41What do you mean?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Well, it's about four and a half inches long
0:28:44 > 0:28:47and it's, uh...very sensitive.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Balls!
0:28:48 > 0:28:52The only thing sensitive about the vagina is in the front of it, lad.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Apart from a certain sensation
0:28:54 > 0:28:58because something has passed through the perineal musculature,
0:28:58 > 0:29:01the vagina itself is virtually numb!
0:29:01 > 0:29:06You answer shows not only a lack of anatomical knowledge,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08but a complete social ignorance.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13You've obviously never slept with a woman!
0:29:13 > 0:29:14Ooh!
0:29:15 > 0:29:19No! Aah!
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Ooh... Not that bit!
0:29:23 > 0:29:24Agh!
0:29:24 > 0:29:26I'm awfully sorry, old chap,
0:29:26 > 0:29:28but sex is a rather difficult subject
0:29:28 > 0:29:30and I don't know what came over me.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Oh, well. Better go and have lunch, I suppose.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Anyone coming to the bun shop?
0:29:35 > 0:29:38Oh, thank God. That was a short tutorial.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44In my first year at Cambridge,
0:29:44 > 0:29:46I tried to join the Footlights Club,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48realising that the only reason I'd gone there in the first place
0:29:48 > 0:29:51was that I'd seen a television version
0:29:51 > 0:29:53of a Footlights annual revue.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I impersonated a carrot
0:29:55 > 0:29:58and a man with iron fingertips being pulled offstage
0:29:58 > 0:30:00by an enormous magnet.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Really super.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07In the same set of auditions,
0:30:07 > 0:30:11John Cleese did a routine of trampling on hamsters
0:30:11 > 0:30:14and can still do a good pain-ridden squeak.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15SQUELCH
0:30:15 > 0:30:16SQUEAK
0:30:16 > 0:30:17SQUELCH
0:30:17 > 0:30:19SQUEAK
0:30:19 > 0:30:20SQUELCH
0:30:20 > 0:30:21SQUEAK
0:30:22 > 0:30:24How about that?
0:30:24 > 0:30:26LAUGHTER
0:30:26 > 0:30:28We were both selected
0:30:28 > 0:30:31and very soon were able to wear black taffeta sashes
0:30:31 > 0:30:34with "Ars Est Celare Artem" on them,
0:30:34 > 0:30:36"The art is to conceal the art."
0:30:40 > 0:30:44March 1964. The new biochemistry and physiology block
0:30:44 > 0:30:47was being opened by Her Majesty the Queen Mother.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50At the time, being secretary of the Students' Union,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52I was invited to join Her Majesty for tea
0:30:52 > 0:30:55with other representatives of the student body
0:30:55 > 0:30:57after her tour of the new premises.
0:30:57 > 0:30:58I was very pleased to find out
0:30:58 > 0:31:01that she had asked to come to tea with the students
0:31:01 > 0:31:05and not with a lot of old gits in red gowns and stupid floppy hats.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- Ah, yes. - How do you take yours?
0:31:18 > 0:31:22Gin and Slimline tonic with ice but no lemon in, Your Majesty.
0:31:24 > 0:31:25Cheers.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28During tea, I explained to Her Majesty
0:31:28 > 0:31:30that I had the offer of going to New Zealand
0:31:30 > 0:31:32as a member of the cast of Cambridge Circus, a revue,
0:31:32 > 0:31:35but that this would mean taking six months off medicine,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38and my parents had yelped strongly against this.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41SLURS: You really must see New Zealand.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43It's a very beautiful place.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52My sexual life consisted of going to bed with women
0:31:52 > 0:31:54while dreaming about men.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58The first one was the student's traditional friend, a nurse.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01She was rather podgy and extremely repellent,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04but I just wanted to get my end away.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08She was a real "lie down and think of hockey and England" type,
0:32:08 > 0:32:12and after a brief grope that was not enthusiastically received,
0:32:12 > 0:32:14I looked her hard in the breasts and thought, "Yuck.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17"The bar's still open. I'll get rid of her."
0:32:19 > 0:32:21There was another female student.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24She was getting a lot of attention from the lads,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27but of a rather fawning, not daring to ask nature.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29I sat down at her table.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30Ignoring her minions,
0:32:30 > 0:32:33I boldly passed her a plate of sandwich spread sandwiches
0:32:33 > 0:32:35and asked her if she'd go.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38She was intelligent enough to say, "See you in my room tonight."
0:32:38 > 0:32:41We had a bloody good time for a whole year.
0:32:41 > 0:32:42She was athletic and imaginative.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44We went right through the card.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47It wasn't just British missionary, but doggie on the floor,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50on the floor standing, on the desk, in the shower, in the bath,
0:32:50 > 0:32:54near the bath, at someone else's place while they weren't looking,
0:32:54 > 0:32:56and in a guard's van through the whole of Birmingham.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59The description of this passage has made me feel...
0:32:59 > 0:33:00Excuse me.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Ahem...
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Phew, that's better.
0:33:04 > 0:33:09I liked the experience, but after nine months or so, it began to pall
0:33:09 > 0:33:12and I felt I would rather spend more time in the bar
0:33:12 > 0:33:13drinking with the lads.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15This is hardly even partly true, in retrospect.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18It's just that I definitely do remember once or twice
0:33:18 > 0:33:21thoughts of men's bodies creeping into my mind while in coitus.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35I decided that I should do some clinical tests on myself,
0:33:35 > 0:33:38so whenever I went in a taxicab, tube, train or bus,
0:33:38 > 0:33:39I looked at each passer-by
0:33:39 > 0:33:41and tried to tell myself honestly
0:33:41 > 0:33:44which ones I would like to go to bed with.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49And the ratio of boys to girls was something like seven to three,
0:33:49 > 0:33:52which puts me clearly on the homosexual side of the scale,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- as suggested in the Kinsey Report. - SIREN BLARES
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Look. He says he's on tour
0:34:03 > 0:34:07with something called Cambridge Circus, a revue.
0:34:07 > 0:34:09The Queen Mother told him, you know,
0:34:09 > 0:34:12and, as Her Majesty was telling Graham,
0:34:12 > 0:34:14New Zealand is such a beautiful place.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17She said he really had to go and see it.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19It's by royal command, really.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29A trip to New Zealand and America
0:34:29 > 0:34:31made me a little more broad-minded about myself,
0:34:31 > 0:34:33and immediately after qualifying,
0:34:33 > 0:34:35I gave up medicine and became a raging poof.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38But no mincing - a butch one, with a pipe.
0:34:38 > 0:34:39FANFARE
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Graham, taxi's here for the BBC!
0:35:12 > 0:35:15MUSIC: "The Frost Report Theme" by Johnny Dankworth
0:35:34 > 0:35:36APPLAUSE
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Thank you very much indeed. Tonight - class.
0:35:46 > 0:35:51Some people say it's disappearing, but if modern advertising...
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Action!
0:35:56 > 0:35:57KNOCK AT DOOR
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Come in.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Ah, come in, Thompson. Nice to see you. It's time we had a little chat.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07- Thank you, sir. - Good.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Don't sit on the floor, Thompson. Sit on the chair.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13- Good, well...- Thank you. - How are you, Thompson?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15- Fine, sir. - Good. Splendid. You look well.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19I was talking this morning to Mr Evans about your Latin verse.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- Bit shaky. Prose is all right, but verse is weak.- Yes, sir.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24You've got to do something about it, it's very important.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26- Yes, sir. - Hmm.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30Thompson, have you been shot?
0:36:30 > 0:36:33Yes, sir. Just a bit.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36Well, who shot you? A master or a boy?
0:36:36 > 0:36:38- A boy, sir. - Oh, good.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Hi, guys. Hello. Super show tonight. Super.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Look, I can't stop. Got a flight to catch.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I was thinking you boys ought to write a film script.
0:36:52 > 0:36:55It'd be super, absolutely super.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58I'm sending you off to Spain to write the script. It'll be great fun.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Anyway, I've got to go. They're calling my flight. Byeee!
0:37:01 > 0:37:02Super.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12BELL RINGS
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Well, now we're here,
0:37:16 > 0:37:19the first thing we should do is examine all the beaches
0:37:19 > 0:37:23to find out which will be the best place to write a film set in London.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Well, it usually takes me two weeks to get acclimatised
0:37:27 > 0:37:29and I still haven't thrown off this throat.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33It is rather hot, isn't it? I'm feeling a bit groggy myself.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Perhaps a couple of weeks' rest might be a good idea.
0:37:36 > 0:37:39But do you think we should? I mean, David frost and all that.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43- He has paid us, Graham. - Yes, I suppose you're right.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47Yes, well, I'll probably be all right tomorrow.
0:37:47 > 0:37:48Yes, right. That's fine.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Yes, we'll start tomorrow, first thing in the morning.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53Right. Yes, yes, yes. Fine, then.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55I'll sit in the shade with the typewriter
0:37:55 > 0:37:58and you can sit out on the balcony in the sun sunning yourself
0:37:58 > 0:38:00and shout a few lines in, right?
0:38:00 > 0:38:01Fine. Great.
0:38:04 > 0:38:05Oh, bugger.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Graham, do you mind if we don't start till the evening, actually?
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Only I promised to take Connie to Cala Bassa tomorrow,
0:38:10 > 0:38:12and she's only got a few more days here.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Bit awkward to get out of it now, you know? Damn!
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Oh, that's fine by me. We have done a synopsis of the film.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20I mean, I wouldn't mind taking a bit of time off.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23- So, we'll start on Friday, yes? - Yes. Right.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27Um... Be a bit noisy, but we can shut ourselves away.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30- Noisy?- Well, there's the fiesta this weekend.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Lots of dancing, fireworks, wine and that sort of thing.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Oh. I've never been to Spain before.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Haven't you? Oh, well. You must, then.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40You must go to the fiesta. So let's have a drink.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43That brings us to Monday. We'll start on Monday.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46No, Monday and Tuesday are Connie's last two days
0:38:46 > 0:38:49and I'd like to see her off at the airport on Wednesday,
0:38:49 > 0:38:50so let's start Thursday.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Look, why don't we make it two weeks?
0:38:53 > 0:38:54Done.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02I say...
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Just look at that.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24BELL RINGS
0:39:24 > 0:39:25CHICKEN CLUCKS
0:39:27 > 0:39:30I spent the next two weeks searching for something
0:39:30 > 0:39:32that I knew was probably very sexy.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:39:52 > 0:39:53RECORD SCRATCHES
0:39:56 > 0:39:57MUSIC RESUMES
0:40:36 > 0:40:38HE TITTERS
0:40:39 > 0:40:40STRANGLED GIGGLING
0:40:42 > 0:40:46Super, boys, super. Really super.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49I look forward to reading more than ten pages.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Ooh, got to fly - byeee!
0:40:58 > 0:41:01'Brring-brring, brring-brring...'
0:41:03 > 0:41:04Hello?
0:41:06 > 0:41:07'Who was that?'
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Oh, it was one of the painters.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12'It sounded like one of the painters I've spoken to before.'
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Well, yes, it probably did a bit.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16'It's a bit late for painting, isn't it?'
0:41:16 > 0:41:19No, no. You just don't understand London, mother.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21This is not like Leicester.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25For a whole year, I've lived in terror, an almost Thorpean terror,
0:41:25 > 0:41:28of being found out for what I was. A poof.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31"Fuck it," I thought. "Why go through all this agony?"
0:41:31 > 0:41:34I decided that I would invite my closest friends to a party
0:41:34 > 0:41:38to meet David and explain to them all that I was a bit bent.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40This was a coming-out party.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41DOORBELL RINGS
0:41:49 > 0:41:51No, Graham, you don't understand.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53I'm just very surprised.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Ever since I've known you, you've played rugby, drank a lot of beer,
0:41:57 > 0:42:00you smoked a pipe, you wore a tweed suit and brogues
0:42:00 > 0:42:04and this is not a standard gay profile.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08HE CACKLES
0:42:09 > 0:42:11Yes.
0:42:11 > 0:42:12Ooh!
0:42:12 > 0:42:14CACKLING CONTINUES
0:42:19 > 0:42:22The other extraordinary reaction was from Keith Moon,
0:42:22 > 0:42:26who was quite stunned. Obviously, he was quite young then,
0:42:26 > 0:42:29but I had to explain to him what it all meant -
0:42:29 > 0:42:32that I actually did go to bed with people of the same sex,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35and that it was quite fun and we actually loved each other.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37It wasn't at all naughty.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39- GUESTS: Bye, Graham.- Bye, Graham. - Bye, Graham.- Bye!
0:42:39 > 0:42:40DOOR CLOSES
0:42:52 > 0:42:54'Come in.'
0:42:55 > 0:42:58- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- Trouble at mill. - Oh, no. What sort of trouble?
0:42:58 > 0:43:01One of t' crossbeams gone out of skew on treadle.
0:43:01 > 0:43:02Pardon?
0:43:02 > 0:43:04One of t' crossbeams gone out of skew on treadle.
0:43:04 > 0:43:06I don't understand.
0:43:06 > 0:43:10- RP ACCENT:- One of the crossbeams has gone out of skew on the treadle.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12- But what on earth does that mean? - I don't know,
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Mr Wentworth just told me to come in
0:43:14 > 0:43:16and say there was trouble at the mill, that's all.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18I didn't expect a kind of Spanish inquisition.
0:43:22 > 0:43:26Suddenly I feel like digressing for another moment about morality.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29I intend to publish here for the first time
0:43:29 > 0:43:33what I believe to be a missing portion of the New Testament.
0:43:36 > 0:43:37MUFFLED TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT
0:43:42 > 0:43:46The papyrus manuscript, translated here from the original Greek,
0:43:46 > 0:43:51was discovered in 1979 by the author at Auckland airport.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55It was there, in transit to Sydney, Australia,
0:43:55 > 0:43:57whiling away a few moments,
0:43:57 > 0:43:59when the manuscript was given to him
0:43:59 > 0:44:02by a Maori chieftain toilet attendant.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04The first epistle of Paul the Apostle
0:44:04 > 0:44:06to the New Zealanders, AD 59.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Chapter 1,
0:44:08 > 0:44:10in which Paul castigated
0:44:10 > 0:44:12the Antipodeans' empty showing of holiness,
0:44:12 > 0:44:15of fornicators and abusers of mankind,
0:44:15 > 0:44:17of poverty and tolerance,
0:44:17 > 0:44:20exorteth them to beware of false prophets.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22"Dear New Zealanders, what is all this nonsense
0:44:22 > 0:44:26"about certain of your number kneeling down in front of crosses?
0:44:26 > 0:44:29"That is naughty in the extreme.
0:44:29 > 0:44:32"You've changed the glory of an incorruptible god into an image.
0:44:32 > 0:44:36"I understand that the very same people collect together in churches
0:44:36 > 0:44:39for the purpose of worship. Who needs it?
0:44:39 > 0:44:41"God doesn't. I've asked him.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43"He's fed up with it, especially the psalms.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46"They give him a headache and cause his teeth to strike together.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49"Don't they realise their praise is meaningless?
0:44:49 > 0:44:53"Why can't they concentrate on being better behaved towards one another
0:44:53 > 0:44:55"and forget about this empty show of holiness?
0:44:55 > 0:44:57"He says, though don't quote me on this,
0:44:57 > 0:45:00"'They can stuff it up their arses.'
0:45:00 > 0:45:02"He said that, not I.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05"I, a mere mortal, would not have put it quite like that.
0:45:05 > 0:45:09"I'm afraid I think too much about my earthly reputation,
0:45:09 > 0:45:10"but I cannot help agreeing with him
0:45:10 > 0:45:13"about fornicators, adulterers,
0:45:13 > 0:45:16"effeminates and abusers of mankind.
0:45:16 > 0:45:18"I'm constantly being misquoted on this point.
0:45:18 > 0:45:22"I would like to state quite clearly that sex is nothing more
0:45:22 > 0:45:24"than the way in which two or more people
0:45:24 > 0:45:26"can have lots of harmless, cheap fun,
0:45:26 > 0:45:30"provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35"The betterment of the lot of mankind is impossible
0:45:35 > 0:45:37"without strict limits on reproduction,
0:45:37 > 0:45:39"so don't make the mistake the rest of the world has made
0:45:39 > 0:45:41"and overpopulate yourselves.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44"Not everyone has to have children, for Christ's sake.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46"He didn't have any and I should know.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49"If you really feel you have to have children,
0:45:49 > 0:45:51"then make sure that, as parents,
0:45:51 > 0:45:54"you have no more than you can properly look after.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57"I exhort you to be empathetic,
0:45:57 > 0:46:00"be splendid, be aware of your own ignorance,
0:46:00 > 0:46:03"and, as always, beware of those who claim to lead you
0:46:03 > 0:46:06"to better self-knowledge by taking your money.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10"Must finish now as I have to catch the post.
0:46:10 > 0:46:13"Lots of love, P. Kiss, kiss, kiss."
0:46:16 > 0:46:18MUFFLED: # Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
0:46:18 > 0:46:20# Hobbes was fond of his dram,
0:46:20 > 0:46:23# And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
0:46:23 > 0:46:25# "I drink, therefore I am."
0:46:25 > 0:46:31# Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed
0:46:31 > 0:46:35# A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed. #
0:46:38 > 0:46:42Mr Chapman? Two minutes till act two, Mr Chapman.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Full of gin and the feeling of superiority over mortals
0:46:45 > 0:46:47which commonly afflicts the adulated,
0:46:47 > 0:46:51I'd reached my zenith in a naughty and, to this day, illegal act
0:46:51 > 0:46:53upon the floor of an empty dressing room.
0:46:53 > 0:46:57# Sit on my face And tell me that you love me
0:46:57 > 0:47:01# I'll sit on your face And tell you I love you
0:47:01 > 0:47:04# I love to hear you oralise
0:47:04 > 0:47:08# When I'm between your thighs You blow me away
0:47:08 > 0:47:13# Sit on my face And let my lips embrace you
0:47:13 > 0:47:17# I'll sit on your face And then I'll love you truly
0:47:17 > 0:47:20# Life can be fine If we both 69
0:47:20 > 0:47:22# If we sit on our faces In all sorts of places
0:47:22 > 0:47:27# And play till we're blown away. #
0:47:28 > 0:47:31What kind of a fellow is Monty Python, by the way?
0:47:31 > 0:47:35- Erm, he's black.- Black, and... - ..and he's homosexual.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38That's all you can say about him, really.
0:47:38 > 0:47:40He's a pretty easy person to sum up.
0:47:45 > 0:47:48Good grief. There's no-one to go to bed with.
0:47:48 > 0:47:51Where are all the young men around here? This is absolutely dreadful.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55KNOCK AT DOOR
0:47:55 > 0:47:57Ta-da!
0:47:57 > 0:47:59Oh, all right.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04# Sit on my face And tell me that you love me... #
0:48:04 > 0:48:07Could you try and keep the noise down?!
0:48:08 > 0:48:10'Knock it off!'
0:48:11 > 0:48:15- # When I'm between your thighs - You blow me away... #
0:48:15 > 0:48:17'Be quiet!'
0:48:17 > 0:48:18COCK CROWS
0:48:20 > 0:48:23# Sit on my face, mama
0:48:23 > 0:48:26# Sit on my face Baby, baby
0:48:26 > 0:48:30# Ooh-ooh-ooh
0:48:30 > 0:48:34# Sit on my face In all sorts of places
0:48:34 > 0:48:38# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #
0:48:38 > 0:48:40What's it like being a film star?
0:48:40 > 0:48:44I'm not. I'm just an extra.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46- You're just an extra?- Yes.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49It's the crown and this that probably...
0:48:49 > 0:48:51Yeah, I was looking for Graham Fink.
0:48:51 > 0:48:53- Ah, yes. He's around somewhere. - Is he?
0:48:54 > 0:48:59DISCO VERSION: # Sit on my face Come on, baby
0:48:59 > 0:49:03# Let my lips embrace
0:49:03 > 0:49:08# Tell me that you love me
0:49:14 > 0:49:18# Sit on my face And tell me that you love me
0:49:18 > 0:49:22# I'll sit on your face And tell you I love you too
0:49:22 > 0:49:25# I love to hear you oralise
0:49:25 > 0:49:28# When I'm between your thighs You blow me away
0:49:28 > 0:49:32# Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
0:49:32 > 0:49:36# I'll sit on your face And then I'll love you truly
0:49:36 > 0:49:39# Life can be fine If we both 69
0:49:39 > 0:49:41# If we sit on our faces In all sorts of places
0:49:41 > 0:49:47# And play till we're blown away #
0:50:20 > 0:50:22RINGING TONE
0:50:22 > 0:50:25'Good afternoon. Beverly Hills Hotel reception.'
0:50:25 > 0:50:27Ugh! Los Angeles.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30- TV:- Up, down. Up, down.
0:50:33 > 0:50:37Up, down. Up, down.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39Up, down.
0:50:42 > 0:50:44Up, down. Up, down...
0:50:46 > 0:50:48Up, down. Up, down...
0:51:01 > 0:51:04- Hi! - Hi.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07Oh! Ain't you that guy?
0:51:07 > 0:51:10I'm so thrilled to meet you!
0:51:10 > 0:51:15I love your Monty Python.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17- Shall we go up to my room? - Sure!
0:51:32 > 0:51:36Ah. There. You enjoying that?
0:51:36 > 0:51:39Ooh, yeah. Do you feel that?
0:51:39 > 0:51:41I feel that.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44Just get right in there.
0:51:45 > 0:51:47Ahhh... Uh!
0:51:50 > 0:51:52Bye, Graham.
0:51:52 > 0:51:56Oh, and do say hello to Monty for me.
0:51:56 > 0:51:59Tell him I'm his biggest fan!
0:52:04 > 0:52:06That was fun. Zoom.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Um, excuse me.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16Is there a telephone around here I can use?
0:52:16 > 0:52:19Sure. Use the one in my room.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22But it's my mother who needs to use the phone.
0:52:22 > 0:52:26Well, bring her up too. I don't mind if it's a local call.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28SHE CHATTERS
0:52:28 > 0:52:32Ooh, aah.
0:52:32 > 0:52:34Do that to me. Ooh.
0:52:34 > 0:52:36If it's an order, old guillemot.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Ooh, big boy. Mm.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41Aah! Touch me here.
0:52:41 > 0:52:44Oh, my God. Do it to me there!
0:52:44 > 0:52:47- Right-o. Here it comes. - Ooh! Right there.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49Oh, my God. Yes!
0:52:49 > 0:52:52Oh, do that to me! Ooh!
0:52:52 > 0:52:54Big boy! Oh, my God!
0:52:54 > 0:52:55Oh, yeah.
0:52:55 > 0:52:57SHE MOANS
0:52:57 > 0:53:00Yes! Oh, my God!
0:53:00 > 0:53:02You, in fact, were more than...
0:53:02 > 0:53:05..than drunk on one occasion. You were in fact an alcoholic.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Yes, I did a lot of drinking, a great deal.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09- A very great deal indeed, Michael. Yes.- You were an alcoholic?
0:53:09 > 0:53:13You can safely say I did do a very great deal.
0:53:13 > 0:53:17And how much at your peak, so to speak, were you drinking?
0:53:17 > 0:53:19Four pints of gin a day.
0:53:19 > 0:53:21Four pints of gin a day?
0:53:21 > 0:53:24I didn't know Graham was an alcoholic. Did you?
0:53:24 > 0:53:27- Why was that, do you think?- Er...
0:53:27 > 0:53:31I think... Well, I don't know, really, the answer to that.
0:53:31 > 0:53:36Deep inside I think, actually, that I was insecure.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39I didn't really feel that I'd deserved the success
0:53:39 > 0:53:40that I'd achieved.
0:53:40 > 0:53:43How difficult was it?
0:53:43 > 0:53:45Actually, once the decision had been made,
0:53:45 > 0:53:46once I decided to stop,
0:53:46 > 0:53:48it was easy,
0:53:48 > 0:53:52except for the three days of unpleasantness...
0:53:52 > 0:53:54VOICE ECHOES
0:53:59 > 0:54:01Oh, get on with it.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03HEAVY BREATHING
0:54:28 > 0:54:29'Language!'
0:54:32 > 0:54:33FLY BUZZES
0:54:50 > 0:54:54- ECHOES:- 'You can't learn everything out of books.'
0:54:54 > 0:54:55'Come, Patsy!'
0:55:03 > 0:55:08Graham? Are you all right? You look a bit pale.
0:55:08 > 0:55:11Would you like a cup of tea and maybe a bit of toast?
0:55:11 > 0:55:14- With a nice poached egg on top? - No. I'm... I'll...
0:55:14 > 0:55:18J-Just a...m-moment.
0:55:18 > 0:55:22Later. I'll get up, be fine.
0:55:22 > 0:55:26- Uh, Vichy water? - N... Yes, yes.
0:55:26 > 0:55:27There.
0:55:33 > 0:55:37- Da-David, the curtains. - Sorry.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08HE PANTS
0:56:19 > 0:56:23# Silent night
0:56:23 > 0:56:26# Holy night
0:56:26 > 0:56:29# All is calm... #
0:56:29 > 0:56:31There.
0:56:31 > 0:56:33# All is bright... #
0:56:38 > 0:56:40Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight,
0:56:40 > 0:56:45all the way from a mud-wrestling tour of the OPEC countries,
0:56:45 > 0:56:49in the red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris!
0:56:51 > 0:56:55And, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris!
0:56:55 > 0:56:58MUSIC: "The Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss II
0:56:58 > 0:57:00Well now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time
0:57:00 > 0:57:04that Colin "Bomber" Harris has met himself.
0:57:04 > 0:57:07A few formalities and we'll be ready for round one.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09There goes the bell.
0:57:09 > 0:57:12He just made it to the rope!
0:57:12 > 0:57:15Colin moves to the middle of the ring. He's looking for an opening.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18Going for the hand hold. He's got it.
0:57:18 > 0:57:20Into the head squeeze.
0:57:21 > 0:57:25A favourite move of Colin's. Fine there.
0:57:25 > 0:57:28Double overhead nostril. Should be able to twist out of this.
0:57:28 > 0:57:30And he does! He's looking pretty groggy.
0:57:30 > 0:57:33A lovely move there! And he's caught himself by surprise!
0:57:33 > 0:57:35Colin must be pretty pleased with himself,
0:57:35 > 0:57:38having caught himself out with that one.
0:57:39 > 0:57:42The strawberry whip! A vanilla whip!
0:57:42 > 0:57:46Chocolate whip! There it is.
0:57:46 > 0:57:48Colin's most famous whip. And there it is.
0:57:48 > 0:57:51He just got a little lucky, there.
0:57:51 > 0:57:54A double Eydie Gorme. There it is.
0:57:54 > 0:57:55Colin's most famous hold!
0:57:55 > 0:57:58The one-leg-over-shoulder Jerry Ford!
0:57:58 > 0:58:00And he's caught himself there,
0:58:00 > 0:58:01and Colin's in real trouble!
0:58:03 > 0:58:05And Colin did not like that one little bit!
0:58:07 > 0:58:12Double overhead back-kick and Colin must be pretty pleased with himself.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15A lovely move there! He's caught himself by surprise!
0:58:15 > 0:58:19And into the crayfish. No, it's a crawfish.
0:58:19 > 0:58:21And Colin bit himself on purpose there
0:58:21 > 0:58:24and has been given a public warning by the referee.
0:58:36 > 0:58:39'Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.'
0:58:39 > 0:58:42He's looking pretty groggy. And that is it!
0:58:42 > 0:58:44Colin "Bomber" Harris has knocked himself out
0:58:44 > 0:58:47and so he is the winner and he goes on next week
0:58:47 > 0:58:50to meet himself in the final.
0:59:01 > 0:59:05- Graham, you're an alcoholic. - Uh, yes.
0:59:05 > 0:59:08- Do you want not to be? - Yes.
0:59:08 > 0:59:10Right. We'll start the treatment.
0:59:10 > 0:59:13Your liver function tests are appalling.
0:59:13 > 0:59:16- Ten times over the acceptable norm of the gamma GTP, for instance.- Oh.
0:59:16 > 0:59:21But there's no sign of enlargement and, with a bit of luck,
0:59:21 > 0:59:24there's a chance you may not have damaged your liver permanently.
0:59:24 > 0:59:27We'll phase out the Heminevrin and Valium gradually
0:59:27 > 0:59:29and you can take an abstem tablet
0:59:29 > 0:59:31in the morning and one in the evening,
0:59:31 > 0:59:33so that if you drink any alcohol,
0:59:33 > 0:59:37you'll feel as ill as you were five days ago.
0:59:37 > 0:59:39It's up to you whether you drink or not.
0:59:39 > 0:59:41It's your liver. It's your life.
0:59:41 > 0:59:43CHEERING
0:59:47 > 0:59:51Oh, dear puss, London is far behind us. What shall we do now?
0:59:51 > 0:59:54- Meow. - What's that? Sing a song?
0:59:54 > 0:59:57- Meow. - What, now? For all the children?
0:59:57 > 1:00:00- Meow. - Shall we sing a song, children?
1:00:00 > 1:00:02ALL: Yes!
1:00:04 > 1:00:07# Of all the organs the body contains
1:00:07 > 1:00:08# The liver's the one for me
1:00:08 > 1:00:10# It processes food It deals with the waste
1:00:10 > 1:00:13# It's cleverer than a knee
1:00:13 > 1:00:17# When it throws up its hands at alcohol and makes you extremely ill
1:00:17 > 1:00:19# It's best to take heed You're not being a weed
1:00:19 > 1:00:21# You're just being sensible. #
1:00:26 > 1:00:29WOMAN: You've only got two stations!
1:00:29 > 1:00:30- MAN:- I bought Marylebone from you
1:00:30 > 1:00:33last time you landed on Graham's hotel on the Old Kent Road.
1:00:33 > 1:00:35- I'll give you the Water Works. - I don't want it.
1:00:35 > 1:00:38Perhaps Graham does. Graham? Do you want the Water Works?
1:00:38 > 1:00:40- No, I'll buy the camelopard. - What?
1:00:40 > 1:00:44It's a camel that looks like a leopard. A giraffe.
1:00:44 > 1:00:46He's gone again!
1:00:46 > 1:00:49Oh, Graham.
1:00:49 > 1:00:52# It's Christmas in heaven
1:00:52 > 1:00:55# Snow falls from the sky... #
1:00:55 > 1:00:56Do you know, last time I was in Paris,
1:00:56 > 1:00:58I really did ring John-Paul Sartre?
1:00:58 > 1:01:00And Simone de Beauvoir answered the phone
1:01:00 > 1:01:03and said that he was out distributing leaflets.
1:01:03 > 1:01:04Or was that a sketch?
1:01:10 > 1:01:14# It's Christmas in heaven
1:01:14 > 1:01:17# There's great films on TV... #
1:01:19 > 1:01:22Do I talk here?
1:01:22 > 1:01:24- No, Graham. That's the table lamp.- Oh...
1:01:24 > 1:01:28- The microphone's on your right. - Right. Good.
1:01:28 > 1:01:29Take 59.
1:01:29 > 1:01:32You bastards! We've been planning this for months!
1:01:32 > 1:01:34Well, tough titty for you, fish-face.
1:01:34 > 1:01:35The raid backfires.
1:01:35 > 1:01:37Brian is captured and all the rest are killed.
1:01:37 > 1:01:39Brian, beaten, bruised and bleeding,
1:01:39 > 1:01:42is thrown into Pilate's darkest stinking dungeon.
1:01:42 > 1:01:45Marvellous. Let's move on.
1:01:49 > 1:01:51Oh, you lucky bastard.
1:01:53 > 1:01:56'Brian is on the run from the Romans
1:01:56 > 1:01:58'and to avoid capture pretends to be a lobster.'
1:01:58 > 1:02:01Sorry, Graham. We had a rogue lobster in there.
1:02:01 > 1:02:03Oh, I'm sorry about that. Are we ready?
1:02:03 > 1:02:05Brian trailer, take 60.
1:02:05 > 1:02:08Brian is on the run from the Romans and to avoid lobster...
1:02:08 > 1:02:12Sorry, we seem to have a colony of lobsters in there, Graham.
1:02:12 > 1:02:13- Well, all right. - Take 61.
1:02:13 > 1:02:16Brian is on the run from the Romans and, to avoid capture,
1:02:16 > 1:02:20pretends to lob... Oh... Let's start it again. Sorry.
1:02:20 > 1:02:22- Let's move on. - It's certainly clean.
1:02:23 > 1:02:24An unbeliever!
1:02:24 > 1:02:25ALL: An unbeliever!
1:02:26 > 1:02:29Persecute! Kill the heretic!
1:02:33 > 1:02:36Leave him alone! Leave him alone!
1:02:36 > 1:02:39Brian seizes the opportunity to escape from the crowd
1:02:39 > 1:02:41and goes home with Judith.
1:02:41 > 1:02:43Alone together at last, the two rush naked at each other
1:02:43 > 1:02:45and meet in a frenzy of darting tongues...
1:02:45 > 1:02:48- Grabbing her... - Sorry, Graham. That bit's been cut.
1:02:48 > 1:02:50- Has it?- Yes. All of it, I'm afraid. - Even this bit here?
1:02:50 > 1:02:52Yes. The boys loved the lobster idea,
1:02:52 > 1:02:55- so they're going to re-shoot that bit.- Oh.
1:02:55 > 1:02:58OK, next bit, Graham, please. Take 62.
1:02:58 > 1:03:01You're fucking nicked, me old beauty!
1:03:01 > 1:03:03Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate,
1:03:03 > 1:03:05where he is sentenced to be crucified.
1:03:05 > 1:03:07Could we try one a little lighter, please?
1:03:07 > 1:03:10- CHUCKLES:- Brian is arrested and taken before Pilate,
1:03:10 > 1:03:14where he's sentenced to be... to be crucified.
1:03:14 > 1:03:17- Yes, I think that's a little too light.- Well, what shall I try?
1:03:17 > 1:03:19No problem, we'll use the take before.
1:03:19 > 1:03:21Thanks, Graham. We'll be able to make all that work.
1:03:21 > 1:03:23- Thanks for coming in. - That's it, is it?
1:03:23 > 1:03:26Yes, that's it. If you want to collect your £30 on the way out.
1:03:26 > 1:03:28Yeah. £30...
1:03:28 > 1:03:31Ahem, yes, well, uh...
1:03:31 > 1:03:33HE WHISTLES
1:03:33 > 1:03:38I was led to believe that probably it might be a little, um...
1:03:38 > 1:03:41Yes, look. It's not a big budget movie, you know.
1:03:41 > 1:03:42- Hm, £30...- I tell you what,
1:03:42 > 1:03:45we'll have a whip round and see what loose change we've got
1:03:45 > 1:03:47- and we should be able to give you another two pounds.- Ah, yes.
1:03:47 > 1:03:49All right, yes.
1:03:49 > 1:03:51Ahem. Goodbye.
1:03:54 > 1:03:58# Friday night, Saturday morning
1:03:58 > 1:04:02# Sit back and relax There's a weekend dawning
1:04:02 > 1:04:07# Friday night, Saturday morning at last
1:04:09 > 1:04:13# You've waited all this time
1:04:13 > 1:04:15# So leave your problems behind... #
1:04:15 > 1:04:20Will you please welcome hard-working mother of one, Graham Chapman.
1:04:21 > 1:04:23Who's mummy's little baby?
1:04:27 > 1:04:31- How beautifully you are clad. - And so are you.
1:04:31 > 1:04:33- You're still butch, aren't you? - Oh, yeah.
1:04:33 > 1:04:37Even though you go about telling people who haven't asked
1:04:37 > 1:04:39- that you're gay.- Yes.
1:04:39 > 1:04:42No! Oh, no!
1:04:42 > 1:04:43Aah!
1:04:43 > 1:04:45SHE SOBS
1:04:46 > 1:04:50Graham, please don't tell your father. It'll kill him.
1:04:50 > 1:04:52It won't kill him - of course it won't kill him.
1:04:52 > 1:04:53It will! It'll kill him!
1:04:54 > 1:04:56Of course it won't. Shut up.
1:04:56 > 1:04:59Never mind. Let's go on to your manifesto.
1:04:59 > 1:05:03You said that you would like to state quite clearly
1:05:03 > 1:05:07that sex is nothing more than a way in which two or more people
1:05:07 > 1:05:11can have lots of harmless, cheap fun,
1:05:11 > 1:05:16provided that they are clean and that the aim is not reproduction.
1:05:16 > 1:05:17Yes.
1:05:17 > 1:05:20Look, Graham, your mother's told me why she's upset.
1:05:20 > 1:05:22Don't worry about it.
1:05:22 > 1:05:25If you want to go around talking about this stuff, it's fine.
1:05:25 > 1:05:28She just doesn't understand these things.
1:05:33 > 1:05:36ANNOUNCEMENT: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now two years later,
1:05:36 > 1:05:39and we'll be shortly arriving at Los Angeles airport.
1:05:39 > 1:05:42Would you please extinguish all cigarettes
1:05:42 > 1:05:43and fasten your safety belts?
1:05:45 > 1:05:47HE REPEATS IN SPANISH
1:05:55 > 1:05:58HE REPEATS IN FRENCH
1:06:26 > 1:06:27MOTOR APPROACHES
1:06:32 > 1:06:35Hmm. This is the place.
1:06:35 > 1:06:37DOORBELL RINGS
1:06:38 > 1:06:40Come on. Open the door.
1:06:42 > 1:06:46'Hello. Starlight emergency 24-hour luxury door-opening service.
1:06:46 > 1:06:49'Opening doors to the stars.'
1:06:49 > 1:06:52Yes. We need someone here straightaway to open our door.
1:06:53 > 1:06:57It's account number 2248.
1:07:02 > 1:07:04Hi!
1:07:09 > 1:07:11Thank you, thank you.
1:07:11 > 1:07:15Now, grip the teat and whet the micro-tome.
1:07:15 > 1:07:17If tea party there be,
1:07:17 > 1:07:21let cucumber be slivered to the thinnest with precision
1:07:21 > 1:07:25and pressed twixt finest slices of good bread.
1:07:25 > 1:07:28BOTH SHOUT
1:07:36 > 1:07:38Bravo! Bravo!
1:07:50 > 1:07:52Graham, isn't that George Lazenby over there,
1:07:52 > 1:07:55seen enjoying a can of specially imported Foster's lager?
1:07:55 > 1:07:58What, you mean behind Christopher Isherwood and Georgia Brown,
1:07:58 > 1:08:01seen there enjoying a joke with Ian La Frenais?
1:08:01 > 1:08:04Yes, between Peter Cook, Dudley Moore, Bo Diddley and the piano,
1:08:04 > 1:08:07all seen enjoying a brief rest in a tight schedule.
1:08:09 > 1:08:14And who's that with the Hollywood psychiatrist, Dr Stuart Lerner?
1:08:14 > 1:08:16It could be either Jane Seymour, Jenny Agutter,
1:08:16 > 1:08:20Susan George, Shelly Duvall or Victor Borge.
1:08:20 > 1:08:23- Victor Borge?! - Sorry. Did I say Victor Borge?
1:08:23 > 1:08:26Only, I also thought I caught sight of Victor Borge
1:08:26 > 1:08:29enjoying a quiet word with Charlton "Chuck" Heston
1:08:29 > 1:08:31and screenwriter companion Alan Katz.
1:08:31 > 1:08:33Yes, but who's the girl with Stuart Lerner?
1:08:33 > 1:08:37Hmm. Ah! That's Sylvia Kristel.
1:08:37 > 1:08:39Good God!
1:08:39 > 1:08:43Graham, do you realise that in the last few minutes alone,
1:08:43 > 1:08:46you've dropped no less than 17 famous names?
1:08:46 > 1:08:47Have I? I didn't intend to.
1:08:47 > 1:08:50It's just that I just happen to know these people -
1:08:50 > 1:08:53they're friends of mine. Uh...they live here.
1:08:53 > 1:08:56I want you to repeat what you've just said to yourself
1:08:56 > 1:08:59and think about it as a medical man.
1:08:59 > 1:09:01- You mean I've got... - Yes.
1:09:01 > 1:09:06Niven-ism. It's a common enough complication of angelitis.
1:09:06 > 1:09:08It's an endemic autobiographical complaint
1:09:08 > 1:09:11whereby people live vicariously
1:09:11 > 1:09:14through the fame of other people.
1:09:14 > 1:09:16Ahh.
1:09:19 > 1:09:22It was, coincidentally, David Frost's 40th birthday party,
1:09:22 > 1:09:25his third that afternoon,
1:09:25 > 1:09:27and I'd promised to try and look in for a moment or two.
1:09:31 > 1:09:33Super!
1:09:33 > 1:09:36Super, super. Super!
1:09:38 > 1:09:39HE TITTERS
1:09:42 > 1:09:45Really super.
1:09:45 > 1:09:48# Happy birthday
1:09:48 > 1:09:51- # Dear...David Frost! # - Super!
1:09:51 > 1:09:55# We think you're swell
1:09:55 > 1:09:59# You've achieved so much
1:09:59 > 1:10:03# And done so well
1:10:03 > 1:10:07# That everybody here agrees You deserve more OBEs
1:10:07 > 1:10:11# And that was the message That was - oh! #
1:10:12 > 1:10:15Super, super, super. Super.
1:10:15 > 1:10:17Super.
1:10:20 > 1:10:21On the way out,
1:10:21 > 1:10:23I consoled an agitated Rod Stewart,
1:10:23 > 1:10:24who unfortunately had had to come
1:10:24 > 1:10:26to the party in person.
1:10:26 > 1:10:28He'd only got married that morning
1:10:28 > 1:10:29and the blow-ups of the happy couple
1:10:29 > 1:10:31could not be processed in time.
1:10:45 > 1:10:46GIRLS GIGGLE
1:10:50 > 1:10:51FLIES BUZZ
1:10:54 > 1:10:55PHONE RINGS
1:10:57 > 1:11:00- Hello, Keith. - Hello, Graham. What do you want?
1:11:00 > 1:11:02Would you like to come to a party at my place later on?
1:11:02 > 1:11:05- I think I'm already at one. - George said he'd drop by.
1:11:05 > 1:11:08- And Harry and Richard will be there. - Can I bring Mick and Ronnie?
1:11:08 > 1:11:11- All right. See you later. - And Pete and Ringo?
1:11:11 > 1:11:12Sure, OK. See you later.
1:11:12 > 1:11:15I'm just going to nip off down through Boys Town on the way back.
1:11:15 > 1:11:18- I want to pick up some zoom. - I'll bet that's not all.
1:11:21 > 1:11:26Graham, you must face up to this name-dropping problem.
1:11:26 > 1:11:27What should I do? Move to Finland?
1:11:27 > 1:11:30You'll just have to sweat it out.
1:11:30 > 1:11:33Isn't there anything I can do to speed up my recovery?
1:11:33 > 1:11:36There is, but it isn't going to be pleasant, I'm afraid.
1:11:36 > 1:11:38Revulsion therapy.
1:11:38 > 1:11:43I'm going to prescribe an intensive course of Hollywood parties for you.
1:11:43 > 1:11:46It's your only hope.
1:12:05 > 1:12:08Hello, Graham...
1:12:17 > 1:12:19Is that young lady all right over there, Graham?
1:12:19 > 1:12:23It's working, Graham. Stick with it.
1:12:54 > 1:12:57Good evening, Mr Chapman. I am Jose.
1:12:57 > 1:13:01I'll be your star to bed tucker-inner to the stars this evening.
1:13:01 > 1:13:02Jolly good.
1:13:04 > 1:13:06HARP GLISSANDOS
1:13:09 > 1:13:11I had slipped into a state of inertia.
1:13:11 > 1:13:14All further activities seemed pointless.
1:13:14 > 1:13:17I decided to have a farewell party.
1:13:17 > 1:13:19David made the cucumber sandwiches
1:13:19 > 1:13:22and I slipped out in my beige spacesuit
1:13:22 > 1:13:24to see if the others would be prepared to pop along.
1:13:24 > 1:13:26I stepped up nimbly through the air lock
1:13:26 > 1:13:30and deftly percolated past Elton John's piano-shaped moon buggy.
1:13:30 > 1:13:33He was obviously entertaining David Bowie and Ken Liberace,
1:13:33 > 1:13:36so I passed on.
1:13:37 > 1:13:40I knew the next space vehicle was occupied for an at-home evening
1:13:40 > 1:13:44by David Hockney and Alan Bennett, comparing the size of their accents.
1:13:44 > 1:13:46Custard cream, David?
1:13:46 > 1:13:49Just a weak Darjeeling, please, Alan.
1:13:49 > 1:13:51So I didn't bother with them.
1:13:57 > 1:13:59- Can you come to our party? - No!
1:13:59 > 1:14:03I have got to do the hoovering!
1:14:12 > 1:14:14PHONES RING
1:14:16 > 1:14:18- Can you come to our party? - Sorry, Gray.
1:14:18 > 1:14:21Diary's absolutely chock-a-block.
1:14:38 > 1:14:42"Here lies Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wilde.
1:14:42 > 1:14:44"Gone out for good."
1:14:58 > 1:15:00Can you come to our party?
1:15:09 > 1:15:11There is a time in the affairs of greed,
1:15:11 > 1:15:14which, taken at the kludge, leads on to brutalness.
1:15:14 > 1:15:18A man is not a wasp, nor Dusseldorf built in a day.
1:15:18 > 1:15:22Damon Runyon had a bunion. For all, they say, hey I.
1:15:22 > 1:15:24What's that supposed to mean?
1:15:24 > 1:15:28My heart bakes. A drowsy numbness fills me...
1:15:28 > 1:15:30Let it be. Let it be.
1:15:32 > 1:15:35Oh, come on, Wilde. What does that mean?
1:15:35 > 1:15:38It means, Your Majesty, it means...
1:15:38 > 1:15:40Pffrrrt!
1:15:40 > 1:15:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:15:46 > 1:15:49Learn your lines. You had us waiting for hours.
1:15:49 > 1:15:51I didn't think anyone noticed.
1:15:51 > 1:15:53No, I suppose they didn't.
1:15:53 > 1:15:55The end.
1:16:01 > 1:16:05Graham Chapman, co-author of the parrot sketch,
1:16:05 > 1:16:09is no more. He has ceased to be.
1:16:09 > 1:16:13Bereft of life, he rests in peace.
1:16:13 > 1:16:16He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig,
1:16:16 > 1:16:21bit the dust, snuffed it, wheezed his last
1:16:21 > 1:16:26and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky.
1:16:27 > 1:16:30And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is
1:16:30 > 1:16:32that a man of such talent,
1:16:32 > 1:16:37of such capability for kindness,
1:16:37 > 1:16:40of such unusual intelligence,
1:16:40 > 1:16:45should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only 48
1:16:45 > 1:16:50before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable
1:16:50 > 1:16:53and before he'd had enough fun.
1:16:54 > 1:16:58Well, I feel that I should say, "Nonsense.
1:16:58 > 1:17:00"Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard.
1:17:00 > 1:17:02"I hope he fries."
1:17:04 > 1:17:07And the reason I feel I should say this...
1:17:09 > 1:17:12..is he would never forgive me if I didn't,
1:17:12 > 1:17:16if I threw away this glorious opportunity
1:17:16 > 1:17:20to shock you all on his behalf.
1:17:20 > 1:17:24Anything, for him, but mindless good taste.
1:17:34 > 1:17:39# Inflammation of the foreskin
1:17:39 > 1:17:42# Reminds me of your smile
1:17:42 > 1:17:46# I've had ballanital chancroids
1:17:46 > 1:17:50# For quite a little while
1:17:50 > 1:17:54# I gave my heart to NSU
1:17:54 > 1:17:58# That lovely night in June
1:17:58 > 1:18:02# I ache for you, my darling
1:18:02 > 1:18:06# And I hope you'll get well soon
1:18:06 > 1:18:10# My penile warts
1:18:10 > 1:18:15# Your herpes My syphilitic sores
1:18:15 > 1:18:19# Your monilial infection
1:18:19 > 1:18:22# How I miss you more and more
1:18:22 > 1:18:26# Your Dhobi's itch My scrumpox
1:18:26 > 1:18:29# Our lovely gonorrhoea
1:18:29 > 1:18:33# And at least we both were lying
1:18:33 > 1:18:37# When we said that we were clear
1:18:37 > 1:18:40# Our syphilitic kisses
1:18:40 > 1:18:43# Sealed the secret of our tryst
1:18:43 > 1:18:47# You gave me scrotal pustules
1:18:47 > 1:18:50# With a quick flick of your wrist
1:18:50 > 1:18:54# Your trichovaginitis
1:18:54 > 1:18:57# Sent shivers down my spine
1:18:57 > 1:19:01# I got snail tracks in my anus
1:19:01 > 1:19:04# When your spirochetes met mine
1:19:04 > 1:19:08# Gonococcal urethritis
1:19:08 > 1:19:12# Streptococcal balanitis
1:19:12 > 1:19:15# Meningomyelitis
1:19:15 > 1:19:19# Diplococcal cephalitis
1:19:19 > 1:19:22# Epididymitis
1:19:22 > 1:19:26# Interstitial keratitis
1:19:26 > 1:19:29# Syphilitic choroiditis
1:19:29 > 1:19:33# And anterior uveitis
1:19:35 > 1:19:38# Gonococcal urethritis
1:19:38 > 1:19:42# Streptococcal balanitis
1:19:42 > 1:19:45# Meningomyelitis
1:19:45 > 1:19:49# Diplococcal cephalitis
1:19:49 > 1:19:52# Epididymitis
1:19:52 > 1:19:56# Interstitial keratitis
1:19:56 > 1:19:59# Syphilitic choroiditis
1:19:59 > 1:20:04# And anterior uveitis. #
1:20:10 > 1:20:16# Sit on my face And tell me that you love me
1:20:16 > 1:20:20# I'll sit on your face And tell you I love you too
1:20:20 > 1:20:24# I love to hear you oralise
1:20:24 > 1:20:29# When I'm between your thighs You blow me away
1:20:29 > 1:20:34# Sit on my face And let my lips embrace you
1:20:34 > 1:20:38# I'll sit on your face And then I'll love you truly
1:20:38 > 1:20:43# Life can be fine If we all 69
1:20:43 > 1:20:45# If we sit on our faces In all sorts of places
1:20:45 > 1:20:47# And play till we're blown
1:20:47 > 1:20:54# awaaaaaay. #
1:20:54 > 1:20:56HE COUGHS
1:20:56 > 1:20:58Ooh. Terribly sorry.