0:00:09 > 0:00:17This film contains strong language.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54WAVES LAP
0:00:58 > 0:01:00MUSIC: Koyaanisqatsi by Philip Glass
0:01:04 > 0:01:06CHANTING
0:01:08 > 0:01:09GULLS CRY
0:01:17 > 0:01:19# Koyaanisqatsi
0:01:24 > 0:01:25# Koyaanisqatsi... #
0:01:28 > 0:01:29ALAN IMPROVISES
0:01:33 > 0:01:34ALAN HUMS
0:01:38 > 0:01:41That music was very foreboding. It's made a shiver go down my spine.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- That'll be the air-conditioning. - I would've taken it off sooner
0:01:44 > 0:01:47but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father
0:01:47 > 0:01:49of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Just passed his details on to the Social Services.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- It's midday.- Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- JINGLE - Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Music and chat for the Norfolk generation.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08KEYBOARD FLOURISH
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Sorry, it's the other way.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Later, we'll be taking dedications
0:02:12 > 0:02:14for anyone wrongly turned down for planning permission.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Also, I'll be asking - which is the worst monger?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Now it's time for today's large question.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25ECHOING CHANT: Large question.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It's the near future.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33has left us without a sense of smell.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Tom in Diss?- Petrol.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Nice. Wrongly referred to by the Americans as "gas".
0:02:41 > 0:02:43It's petrol, not gas.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44- Dominic in Castle Acre?- Money.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- HE SNIFFS - Yep. Joe in Holt?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- My wife's nightie. - You kinky get.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Saucy sod. - She died, you see.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53- Smells matter. - They do.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Hey, Greg.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01This is a great station, a real cracker.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um...this is Jason Tresswell.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Managing Director of... - Goredale Media.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Our new owners, huh? I googled you on Yahoo.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13That's Pat Farrell. Does week nights, 10-12.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Sleepy-time slot.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- So, are you on your way out? - You tell me.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19- ALAN:- Gillian writes to ask -
0:03:19 > 0:03:23is it true you're being taken over by a bunch of corporate whores?
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Er...Gillian, I'm 99% certain that's not true.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says -
0:03:31 > 0:03:33An easy way to solve the problems in Israel...
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- A thorny issue.- ..would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Wouldn't hold your breath.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39- They both hate pigs.- True enough.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42You could call it Jislam.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I think you can go in circles, can't you, trying to think of names for something?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Even, er...a cat.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Well, nettles cause 'em, dock leaves cure 'em.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52It's a sting. It's Sting.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54MUSIC: Roxanne by The Police
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Sorry. - Never, never criticise Muslims.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Only, only Christians. And Jews a little bit.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Alan, it's started. They're here.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08We're being taken over.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14So?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17# Roxanne
0:04:17 > 0:04:20# You don't have to put on the red light
0:04:22 > 0:04:24# Those days are over
0:04:24 > 0:04:27# You don't have to sell your body to the night... #
0:04:28 > 0:04:30ALAN SINGING
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Hello?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Are you in the business centre?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39# Coconut, everybody
0:04:39 > 0:04:42# Like de coconut
0:04:42 > 0:04:44# Coconut, coconut... #
0:04:44 > 0:04:46SHE LAUGHS
0:04:48 > 0:04:50# Coconut, coconut... #
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about how ospreys died out in Britain
0:04:54 > 0:04:57and had to be reintroduced from Scandinavia in the early '90s.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Now I think there are almost 500 of them.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03HE TYPES
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Yeah. 480.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07It shows we should treasure and value our wildlife.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10So, what you got, girl?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Well, the butchers want you to do another voiceover.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14"Bannan's the Butcher's.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"Yesterday's meat at today's prices."
0:05:18 > 0:05:20You've had the mayor of Hickling get in touch.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23He listens to your show and wants to offer you the freedom of the village.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- It doesn't even have a post office. - They give you a big key.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- How big?- That big.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Tell him I accept.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31MESSAGE ALERT
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Everything seems to be tugging along nicely.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Everything OK, Alan?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- How does he...? - He steals it from a pub.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43- Oh.- That's a relief.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49# Roll out the barrel... # Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Join me tonight at ten, for a hearty casserole of tunes, cheer and chinwag.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp will be playing live in the studio,
0:05:57 > 0:06:01and I'll be taking your calls on my ever popular fireside phone-in.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Don't miss it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07OK, for those who haven't slipped into a coma,
0:06:07 > 0:06:11you are listening to the Breakfast Show with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13WHOOPING
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- How we feeling this morning, guys? - Better than you, by the look of things.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- I had it large. I got on it. - Take it easy tonight, then.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I would but we've got the launch tonight.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23North Norfolk Digital are changing their name to...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29ELECTRONIC JINGLE: # Shape the way you want it to be
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Coming up next, Alan Partridge. God bless him, how old is he?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- 60 or something.- Got to be, hasn't he?
0:06:35 > 0:06:3755.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Alan, we love you, mate. We love you really.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41This one's for you, if you're listening.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's Roachford.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47MUSIC: Cuddly Toy by Roachford
0:06:55 > 0:06:59MIMING: # Well, I don't pour out my heart like this to everyone
0:06:59 > 0:07:02# Not anyone that I meet
0:07:02 > 0:07:06# And I know it ain't the wine, cos I feel just fine
0:07:06 > 0:07:08# Can't you see, baby?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09# I'm still on my feet
0:07:09 > 0:07:11# Oh, but a cuddly toy
0:07:11 > 0:07:17# That's my only joy waiting for me when I get home, yeah
0:07:17 > 0:07:20# And what I need is a girl like you
0:07:20 > 0:07:24# All I need, yeah, to call my very own
0:07:24 > 0:07:27# So you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby
0:07:27 > 0:07:31# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby
0:07:31 > 0:07:34# Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby
0:07:34 > 0:07:37# Oh, gimme some love
0:07:37 > 0:07:39# Come on, now... #
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Your fog lamps are on.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52There's no fog.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53No fog.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55# Oh, a cuddly toy
0:07:55 > 0:07:57# That's my only joy
0:07:57 > 0:07:59# Waiting for me when I get home
0:07:59 > 0:08:01# Nana
0:08:01 > 0:08:03# And what I need
0:08:03 > 0:08:05# Is a girl like you
0:08:05 > 0:08:08# Just to call, call my very own
0:08:08 > 0:08:11# So, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby
0:08:11 > 0:08:15# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby
0:08:15 > 0:08:18# You gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby
0:08:18 > 0:08:21# Oh, gimme some love... #
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- ALARM BEEPS - Love that noise.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Michael, do it outside.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Morning, Michael. - Morning, Mr Partridge.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Paper. - I was doing a fist bump.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- You would say that now you've lost. - It's instead of a handshake.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- Did you hear him making fun of you? - I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48"There's only one thing worse than being talked about."
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- Cancer. - No. "Not being talked about."
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oscar Wilde said that's worse than cancer?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Yeah. I think he was at a party.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Probably just being a gay show-off.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59# Shape, Shape, Shape... #
0:08:59 > 0:09:03Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06actually realising I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08No, I am joking, obviously, but er...
0:09:08 > 0:09:13they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15But they're all behind me now.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Morning, Angela.- Morning, Alan.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19'Alan Partridge has just walked into the building.'
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Walking and talking, like The West Wing.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- 'Hope he hasn't hurt himself!' - "Mr President, we have a code red."
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- I've never seen the show. - No, me neither.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Corner coming up.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32You never know what's round the corner.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35More corners, usually.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Imagine a world without corners.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44No-one would be able to cut any. Everyone would be going round in circles.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49HE SIGHS
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Wow.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I enjoyed that.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56'I will tell you one thing.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58'When I was going through my bad times,'
0:09:58 > 0:10:03I found Norfolk was perhaps maybe not the place to be and...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06just-just because it's so flat and there was a sort of a...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09a bleakness about the place, but obviously now...
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You're a good broadcaster, Alan. Don't forget that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- I wasn't planning to, Pat. - You seen this memo?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"Exciting new phase. Here's to the future."
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- My days are numbered. - No-one's getting sacked.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- He was in bits.- Yeah.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- He didn't even know them. - Yeah, but where is he now?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- He runs his own business. - There. He's back on his feet.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Rents out bouncy castles.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37For adults, yeah?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Look at this memo.- I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Goredale Media are simply reimagining our core brand values
0:10:43 > 0:10:47and giving it a name more fitting to multi-platform content delivery.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- They're people people. - People people sack people.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52No, Pat. People sack people. People people please people.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Can you have a word with them, Alan?- Would you?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Er...sure. As soon as I can get them all in the same room together.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- They're all up in the boardroom now.- That's great.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Thank you. Thank you, Alan. You're a pal.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Well, pals is pals.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11If we're all looking at the last quarterly figures for North Norfolk on page 6.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Then if you turn to page 5.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15KNOCKING
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Hi, guys, don't want to be an agenda-bender, but any chance of a wawa?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- It's not a good time, Alan. - It's fine, we've time. Come in.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Oh, we moved the other thing. Yeah, it's a good time.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Alan, Alan Partridge.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Jason Tresswell, MD of Goredale Media.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33It's not "Alan Alan Partridge". It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I know some people do have two names.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Duran Duran.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Yeah, that's not as good.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Um... Kris Kristofferson.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Excellent small talk. Gentlemen, to business.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I am here as one of the more senior D-jocks at this station.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I'm here to talk about jobs.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Should er...snap my heels together.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Achtung!- Guten Tag.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Silence! Sorry. I meant to miss you.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I want you to do something for me.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09I want you to take all your prejudices, put them in a box marked "prejudices",
0:12:09 > 0:12:12put it to one side, wipe the prejudice juice off your hands...
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Can I just stop you there? Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20which is interesting, because there's one in this room.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- Want to know his name? - > Pat Farrell.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's Pat Farrell. Pat's audience is old.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Old people, much like dogs, are blindly loyal.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30And if Pat hightails it to Cedar FM and they follow,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34you've got a grey exodus on your hands. A grexodus.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Hm. That prejudices box doesn't seem quite so cool any more, does it?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Yeah, but we bought Cedar FM as well.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I didn't know that. I did not know that.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- The point is... - You were talking about Pat Farrell.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Pat Farrell is a great guy.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01He's always the first to speak up at union meetings,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03being a member of a union.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08He's also Irish, which again, weirdly, a plus point, if you like swearing.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11He's often on his show - "Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat".
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Some Irish people say "Feck off" isn't as bad as "Fuck off",
0:13:13 > 0:13:15but I think that's bullshit or bellshit.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- The bottom line is, he swears too much.- This is all very interesting...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I can sum up Pat Farrell in ten words.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Pat isn't very good so let him go, guys, seriously.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I can condense that to three words.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Just sack Pat.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37That completes my presentation.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Gentlemen, I'll leave you to your biscuits.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43HE PANTS
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Gloves.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52(Oh, fuck.)
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Glove.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55# Shape
0:13:55 > 0:13:58# The way you want it to be... #
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Ahhh! That was soft rock cocaine enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05And this was Mid-Morning Matters.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Where once again,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- mid-morning...- Mattered. - Mattered.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Supposed to do it in sync.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Always leave a gap. - Sorry.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Simple. Very simple.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19You're listening to Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Mm-hm. Right. And will it take long?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32It will take long. OK. Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- I'm not happy about it, but... - MOBILE RINGTONE
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I'll just have to go along with it, won't I?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38RINGTONE STOPS
0:14:38 > 0:14:44The... The-the problem is that the phone rings even when I'm speaking on it,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46so it sounds bloody weird.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47HE SNORTS
0:14:47 > 0:14:51In fact, I think it just did it then. Did you hear it? Yes?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Yeah. He heard it too.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55OK, well, I'll leave it with you.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Mm-hm. Yep.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Yep.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01All right. Thanks, Susan.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone, there'll be hell to pay.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09They wouldn't even let me say goodbye to my listeners.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Just gave me 30 minutes to clear out my locker.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Well, at least I'm getting their mugs dirty.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Thanks, Alan. You always stuck up for me.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Not like the others.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Well, I'll let you get back to...Geoff.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Who's Geoff?- Geoff Susan.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Oh, yes, of course.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35BUZZING
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Ahhhhh... I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I mean, I think he knew his days were numbered.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44More of an assisted suicide, really.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49I just flew him to Switzerland and filled out a few forms and...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51sloped off to the airport.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I've got to be honest, Lynn, I'm feeling pretty crummy.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Pat's Irish, isn't he?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57To be sure.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Why don't you donate £50 to Sinn Fein?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Perfect.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- ALARM BEEPS - Love that noise.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Keep me away from the sausage rolls.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'm wearing my chubby clothes again.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I noticed. What, the chub, or the clothes?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- My pad!- My pad.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- SHE GIGGLES - Not that funny, Lynn.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17MUSIC: Bounce by Calvin Harris
0:16:17 > 0:16:19CHATTER
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- I used to go with prostitutes. - Brilliant.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old... luminous green bile.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Yeah, I was withdrawing.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32THEY LAUGH HEARTILY
0:16:32 > 0:16:33I've got my minder with me.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Lynn? - She might not seem tough,
0:16:35 > 0:16:38but I once saw her stamp on 50 cockroaches in a minute.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39He didn't see. He was in the next room.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- It was in Wales. - It's true, yeah.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44All I could hear was crunch, crunch, crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47I thought she was country dancing whilst eating cereal.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I thought it was the End of Days. They were legion.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Lynn likes The Bible.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I've never understood moths.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57They only come out at night, yet they're attracted to the light.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I don't know why they just don't come out during the day.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I've nothing to add to that. If you substituted butterfly...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Could you go and get me some sausage rolls?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08If you substituted butterfly for moth, I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say -
0:17:09 > 0:17:14"I wandered lonely as a moth to eat some jumpers in a drawer."
0:17:14 > 0:17:19"As if that wasn't bad enough, it ate my sock upon the moor."
0:17:19 > 0:17:20HE SIGHS AND CLICKS TONGUE
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Yeah. It's just... I don't know why a sock could be on the moor.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28A mitten, maybe.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I actually spewed up some of my stomach lining.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I don't know if you've ever done er...done any horse, have you?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- I've ridden a donkey. - No, no, no, I mean heroin.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I know what you mean. No, I've not done heroin.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- I don't like subtitles in my films. - If you can read, read a book.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Citizen Kane - black and white. I haven't seen that.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I tell you what, the best film for me, ever, is still The Godfather.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Ah, amazing film. - Perfect film.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Amazing acting, though. - Great acting.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56I tell you what's even better,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59a lot of people are shocked when I say this - the camera angles.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Alan, I need a word.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02> Camera angles?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04It's rather delicate.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Remember when you took me for that Christmas meal at the ice rink?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10You remember that woman disinfecting the boots?
0:18:10 > 0:18:11The one that took a shine to you?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I went home and you and her...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Well, it's...none of my business.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It is none of your business, but for the record, went back to her place,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23watched Air Crash Investigation, then I fell asleep in her big armchair.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25A perfectly normal woman.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Well, she's here.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32- I'll tolerate one, but not both. - Fine.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34But you said I could pop by any time.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I know, but my career's hanging by a thread.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- And I'm an embarrassment, am I? - No, no.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41You just wanted sex, you used me.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Well, maybe you used me.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46I-I didn't have much of a say over what went on that night.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Didn't hear you complaining.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- I couldn't speak. - See you round mine again, then.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52I...don't know, I'm... I'm...
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- What's wrong with my place? - Well...all those dogs barking.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58But it's their bedroom too.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00May I have a word?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- BETTIE:- You're talking clap... crap!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I sound like a fucking Chinky when I'm pissed!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13BANGS AND SCREAMS
0:19:14 > 0:19:17There we go. All done.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- What did you say to her?- I told her that God loves everyone...
0:19:21 > 0:19:23even sluts.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Goodnight, Lynn.- Night, Alan.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31MUSIC CONTINUES
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Hello?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55V funny. Tee-hee.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Very impressive.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Oh, they must have left in a hurry. Something weird's happened.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05HE SIGHS
0:20:08 > 0:20:12All right, you freaked me out, so just... Pack it...
0:20:12 > 0:20:13There you are!
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Pat? Agh!
0:20:15 > 0:20:16GUNSHOT
0:20:22 > 0:20:23I'm down.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31MAN GRUNTS
0:20:31 > 0:20:32You...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35You step to me?
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Simon!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37HE GROANS
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Er...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Yeah, all right. I'll go on without you.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50HE GRUNTS
0:20:52 > 0:20:53HE PANTS
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Stop! Stop! Stop!
0:20:57 > 0:20:59TYRES SCREECH
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- I need to commandeer this vehicle. - WOMAN: What?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03There's a mad man with a gun. Um...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- He's Irish!- Get in.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Why do you sit so close to the wheel? I could steer with my balls!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- Where's the nearest police station? - Just here.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Oh...thanks.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Are you Alan Partrid...?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Assault, battery, kidnap, chronic thuggery,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27brandishment, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm...
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- harm. - Just stick to what you saw
0:21:30 > 0:21:32and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- You mean aitch?- That's what I said.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Nearly, you said haitch.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"Ha" is the sound of the letter, aitch is its name.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40One is ha, the other is aitch. Neither is "haitch".
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous. - Mr Partridge?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- There's something else we need to talk about.- Oh...
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- You're not in trouble. - Oh, fine.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I've never been in a police car before.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53May I lower the window, please?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01POLICE RADIO: Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha Papa arriving at the school building.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Officer. - Mr Partridge.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- You were at the police station. - I was just in the car with you.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- If you want to follow me, please. - Huh.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- This way, please, sir. - Yep.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Let's do it.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Mr Partridge, this is the Gold Commander of the operation.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21ALAN CHUCKLES
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Seriously, is that what you're called?- On this operation, yes.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I'm Acting Chief Constable Janet Whitehead.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- An honour. - And I'm Martin Fitch...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Send.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33..from Scotland Yard's Hostage and Crisis Unit.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Here to lead the negotiation.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Er...little bit awkward. Who's in charge?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Make no mistake, this lady is in charge.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44So here's the situation. Pat is refusing to speak to us directly.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48He's willing to give us three hostages, but only if he can talk to us through you.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Now, we need to know why Pat has done this so we can draw things to a peaceful conclusion.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Sorry, wrong person.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Come here.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04OK. Now, are you on any medication?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Er... Just some cream.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but that's the only thing about me that is.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Do you suffer from any nervous conditions, such as panic attacks?
0:23:13 > 0:23:14HE SNIGGERS
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I've had one panic attack in a car wash.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25and angry brushes whirring towards me.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28By the time the giant hairdryer came on, I was in the footwell.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Does the idea of weaponry trouble you?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Er...no. I've fired several rifles - at funfairs, and won prizes.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40But I've never fired one in anger, or at a cat.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43CLEARING THROAT: We'll have you fully briefed by the tactical firearms team.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Cool.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46We'll keep in regular phone contact with you when you go in.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Very cool. Sorry, go in?
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- What, into the building? - Mm-hm.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- To speak to Pat in person? - Yes, is that not what you...?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Erm... - Everything OK?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I'm just a little nervous about going into a car wash...er...siege.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04So what do you say, Al? Will you help us?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08HE SIGHS
0:24:09 > 0:24:11CONTEMPLATIVE PIANO MUSIC
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Yep.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Guys, none of us choose the hand we're dealt...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- You know... - We do need an answer, I'm afraid.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Do you have another siege to go to?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26It's my understanding that if you say yes, you're allowed a few words.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- So you are saying yes? - I was leaving that to the end.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- If you'd like to come with me. - Sure.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Can I get a copy of that?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- Let's keep this simple, shall we? - Roger, that.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- No heroics. - Ten-four, good buddy.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Do not physically engage him.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- Fight a gun, flee a knife, yeah? - Where do you read that?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Big fans of you guys in TFU.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46If I had my way, all police officers would carry firearms.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49I think that firearms should remain in the hands of specialists.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I was going to say that only specialists should be allowed to fire them.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55If you think I've just made that up, you can call my assistant.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Alan! Read my lips.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00If you jeopardize the safety of any of my men,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03or any of those hostages because you've not been listening to me,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10You want me to buy your police uniform off you?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13No. I'll give you a fucking good hiding, is that clear?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Yes, that's clear. Yes. That's clear.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17(You're close to me.)
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Now, you're a smart bloke, I know you can handle it.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- I know you won't disappoint me. - I won't.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I aim to please you, and I... I hope to impress you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Good man. - Yeah, you're a good man too.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Right, well, Dom will fill you in.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38He has to say all that shit for the insurance.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Right. - Tell me this much, mate.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- What's your favourite siege? - Iranian Embassy.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Same. Why?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46They used the sound of a pneumatic drill
0:25:46 > 0:25:49to disguise the noise of them removing bricks from a neighbouring wall.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- So they could smash through and... - Take them out the game.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54BOTH: It's just a great siege.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Right.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Do you want to see me gun?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Does erm... Yes, please.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03HEAVY THUD AND SLIDE
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Let's clock the Glock.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09You'll have to move quicker than that.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Any last messages for your kids? - Oh... Er...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14No, they don't speak to me any more.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Yeah, "Why don't you speak to me any more?"
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I wouldn't know the answer, would I?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21So just um... Just... tell them I love them.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Pat, Alan's coming in now.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33HELICOPTER ROTORS WHIR
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Greg!- Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- They let you go as well? - I'm relieved to be getting out of there.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Aren't there still women in there? - Yeah, well...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I think it would be a bit sexist to let ALL the women go out first.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Thanks.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Pat?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Pat?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Pat?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24- Prepare to die. - I'm not ready to!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It's me - Pat.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30God, you...
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I just thought a little jokey costume would, you know, put you at ease,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- give you a giggle. - Well...mission accomplished.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Oh, God.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- It's great to see you. - Good to see you, too.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I bought you some cake, not that you deserve it after that.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I should just crush it in my hand. Oh, I already have.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- How the devil are you? - Yeah, not bad, not bad.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50How are you feeling?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Great!- Good.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Oh, er...the police told me to bring you this.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56It's just a standard field phone,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59should you feel the inclination to communicate with ze authorities.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Good thing about these things, they're immune to the problems and glitches
0:28:03 > 0:28:05you get with satellite phones.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08But, like I say, it's just an option, really.
0:28:08 > 0:28:13I just realised, when you asked me now how I was feeling, you meant...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Yes, I did.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17PAT CHUCKLES
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- Does this answer your question? - Yes, it does.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Oh, hello. Didn't see you there.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Someone's been in the wars.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- That's just Simon. - Can he breathe through that?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Of course. It's just like wearing a mask.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31At least when someone puts you in a mask, you've got a safe word,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33like "air bag", or "crayfish".
0:28:34 > 0:28:36What's the er...? That thing?
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Oh, we made that. It's a head holster.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43- Never heard of one of those. - Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?
0:28:43 > 0:28:45You insert the shotgun.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Place on stand. And...voila.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Hands free. I can move around the studio, do anything I want.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54And if something happens... I don't even have to look.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Boom. Hit the target.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Yeah... Well, you don't need an accomplice.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Well, I've got you now.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Yeah.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Thank you.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09So you're with the police now?
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Oh, this... No, this is just...
0:29:13 > 0:29:16I think it's Velcro. There you go.
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Feck the police.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20I think they thought that if they did take a pot shot at you...
0:29:20 > 0:29:22it's a siege, you've got a gun,
0:29:22 > 0:29:24that the bullet might pass through you and hit me.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Unless they use dumdums, which explode inside the body.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29I said, "Do not use dumdums on Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32"Just use a high-velocity round that passes through his body
0:29:32 > 0:29:34"because he's a friend of mine."
0:29:34 > 0:29:37And I suppose if I want to shoot you, I can always aim for the head.
0:29:37 > 0:29:38Exactly. Exactly.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41Um... I don't even know why I'm wearing it.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- So take it off. - I'll happily take it off.
0:29:43 > 0:29:44Go on, then.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- If you want me to, I'll take it off.- Fucking take it off!
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Oh, Pat, now you're making me want to wear it!
0:29:49 > 0:29:51This is not my bag.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53I'm-I'm-I'm...a disc jockey.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I'm sorry you got the sack.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in bed watching funny videos on YouTube.
0:30:00 > 0:30:04"Sneezing panda" or "Charlie bit my finger".
0:30:04 > 0:30:06Have you seen "Fat woman falls down the hole"?
0:30:07 > 0:30:10THEY LAUGH
0:30:10 > 0:30:12- That's hilarious. Isn't it? - Yeah.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14I've seen it before, but, yeah.
0:30:14 > 0:30:19That... That should be fenced off, really, but erm... I'm glad it wasn't.
0:30:19 > 0:30:20Great.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask, where are the hostages?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25In there.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Oh, my God!
0:30:29 > 0:30:32That's like some sort of zoo from Planet Of The Apes.
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Danny looks a bit...bruised.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38I lost my temper a couple of times.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41- Three times. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Go and say hello.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46- Give him a slap yourself, if you want.- Oh, no...
0:30:47 > 0:30:50No, I'll just... I'll just say hello.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53- Alan...- Look, do the police know we're here?
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Alan! What the hell's going on?
0:30:55 > 0:30:56ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Cool it with the crosstalk, you're professional broadcasters.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- I'm not, I'm a writer.- We'll get through this with each other.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08I want everyone to shake hands with everyone else. Now! Whether you want to or not.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10DANNY: This is ridiculous.
0:31:10 > 0:31:11ANGELA: Ow.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Hello, er...Connor.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18- Paper.- Hi.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21OK. Pat will not communicate directly with the police.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23Only through me.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26So as of now, I am bullhorn.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- But I think we're going to be OK. - OK? He hit me!
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Let's not get into who hit who or, you know, who may have deserved it.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35You need to keep him away from me. Understand?
0:31:35 > 0:31:36What I NEED to do, Danny,
0:31:36 > 0:31:39in conjunction with Jason, is crisis management.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41I'm sure he'll agree there has been plenty of crisis...
0:31:41 > 0:31:43- But no management. - Cowabunga. Walk with me.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Alan, you do realise you're in the box seat here?
0:31:48 > 0:31:50- You've got the guy's confidence. - Yeah. I don't know why.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54I go for a curry with him once a year, and even then I don't have a starter.
0:31:54 > 0:31:55Trouble is, he does.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57All I need to know is - can you handle it?
0:31:57 > 0:31:58Well, er...
0:31:58 > 0:32:01Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04realised he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06- Why? - You're looking at him.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08OK, guys, quick wawa.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Just had a powwow with Jase, upshot is...
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I'm going to be his right-hand man on this one.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17He'll be, um... My left-hand man.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- Er...- Sorry.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22The point is, Pat has not gone mad.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24He has a grievance. He needs some sort of outlet.
0:32:24 > 0:32:25JINGLE PLAYS
0:32:25 > 0:32:30This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33OK. Pat may have... May have gone mad.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35He may have gone mad.
0:32:35 > 0:32:39And now we have a text from Cynthia in Holt, who writes,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Dear Pat, we are sending you a bottle...
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- Ma'am, you'd better listen to this...- ..of our home-made plum brandy.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46We use it to make brandy butter...
0:32:46 > 0:32:49- Why am I listening to shit radio? - That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51He's broadcasting from the siege.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Mm, yum, Cynthia. Can't wait.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Can you gently remind Pat that we had an agreement?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58You are there to communicate with us.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02Listen, I don't know what it says in your police operation manual...
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- or in Psychobabble Weekly... - Penguin Book of Sieges.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07..or The Penguin Book of Sieges,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10but out here in the field, it's plenty different.
0:33:10 > 0:33:15I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe to grind, and he say, "No speaky."
0:33:15 > 0:33:18I would really like to establish a dialogue here, Alan.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21A simple trilateral exchange, from Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- Do you understand? - No more interruptions, or else!
0:33:24 > 0:33:27You think I don't have balls? I've got plenty of balls!
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I've got balls coming out of my arse!
0:33:31 > 0:33:34- Er...did you hear that? - Yes.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Well, that's... that's the end of the call. Bye.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40You are listening to North Norfolk Digital.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43# Shape
0:33:43 > 0:33:45# The Way You Want It To Be.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47# Shape- The way you want it to be
0:33:47 > 0:33:50- Where are all my jingles? - Jason wanted them deleted.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- He won't have deleted them all. - He did delete them all.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54- He did delete them all, Pat. - What?
0:33:54 > 0:33:57- It was jingle genocide. - That's not helping, Simon.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00The bastard. Alan, take over for me.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03- No. - I'm going to straighten him out.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05MUFFLED GASPS
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Oh, and...keep it light.
0:34:07 > 0:34:08Right, um... OK.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10SCREAMING
0:34:10 > 0:34:12You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14- Mainly Pat. - You, Jason. Yeah, you.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17We'll be asking...w-what time...
0:34:18 > 0:34:23..does mike paper slider switch to... To...
0:34:23 > 0:34:27to mouse his chocolate cups?
0:34:27 > 0:34:30- It doesn't make sense. - It doesn't make sense,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33but if you can rearrange to make sense then you could win...bins...
0:34:33 > 0:34:35and win...
0:34:35 > 0:34:36THUD
0:34:36 > 0:34:38...and windows.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41- Alan, help me! - So that's our win a bin and window,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44rearrange the sentence, keep it light, competition.
0:34:44 > 0:34:45SCREAMING
0:34:45 > 0:34:46Oh, shit.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49This is the theme from Ski Sunday.
0:34:49 > 0:34:50Sorry for swearing.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52MUSIC: Theme from Ski Sunday
0:34:55 > 0:34:59- MUFFLED:- I've put up with shits like you for most of my life...
0:34:59 > 0:35:01THUMPING AND SCREAMING
0:35:04 > 0:35:05THUD
0:35:07 > 0:35:09One hour.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13And if that jingle isn't word for word what I just said,
0:35:13 > 0:35:17I am going to shoot you in the feet, then the knees, then the hands.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21And basically anything you've got two of, like your face.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Oh, yeah. Two-faced.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26One hour.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33One hour? This is impossible. I'm going to fucking die.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35What are we going to do?
0:35:35 > 0:35:37You can't do a top-quality jingle in an hour.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40We can do this. Let me tell you a story, um...
0:35:40 > 0:35:44Back in the day, I was MC-ing a conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Some of the marketing guys were doing karaoke.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49I didn't join in, I tended to shun Japanese culture.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51This was the mid-'90s, it was more acceptable.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55But high on a cocktail of champagne and cheap Fosters lager,
0:35:55 > 0:35:57I lunged at the microphone.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59A few minutes later, I was making grown men cry
0:35:59 > 0:36:02with my rendition of Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05Thing is, I twisted the lyrics to the Summer Of '29,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08evoking memories of the Wall Street Crash and German hyperinflation.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12- Remember, these guys were in sales. - Alan, where are you going with this?!
0:36:12 > 0:36:14The point is, he didn't think he was any good at singing,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16and it turns out he was quite good.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- Yeah, that. - And that if you really, really try,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- you can do anything. - And that.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23I don't care! I'm going to fucking die!
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head, shoulders, knees and toes.
0:36:26 > 0:36:29- ANGELA:- Knees and toes. - OK, man up, musos.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- I played synth in a jazz funk band. - Great, who else?
0:36:32 > 0:36:34I used to be the drummer in Marillion.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- ALL EXCLAIMING: Really? - There's no time for that.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- But wow and great. - What are you going to do first?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41HE PLAYS RANDOM NOTES
0:36:43 > 0:36:45I'm going to lay down a rhythm track.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50MULTIPLE LOCKS CLICK
0:36:53 > 0:36:54Oh.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Lynn Benfield?
0:36:56 > 0:36:59- I am she. - Do you know Mr Alan Partridge?
0:36:59 > 0:37:00OK.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02He wasn't stealing crisps.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05He just gets flustered at self-service checkouts
0:37:05 > 0:37:07- and takes things without scanning them.- Miss Benfield...
0:37:07 > 0:37:11He doesn't like being told to put things in bagging areas by automated women.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14No, Miss Benfield, we're here because Mr Partridge is
0:37:14 > 0:37:16currently involved in an armed siege.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19- Oh.- We're informing you as his next of kin.
0:37:22 > 0:37:23Take me to him.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29# Pat Farrell had a loyal following in
0:37:29 > 0:37:31# The local community
0:37:31 > 0:37:34# But Goredale Media fucked him over
0:37:34 > 0:37:37# Cos they don't care about loyalty
0:37:37 > 0:37:40# The only things they give a shit about
0:37:40 > 0:37:43# Is the profit margins
0:37:43 > 0:37:46# And if they don't reinstate him
0:37:46 > 0:37:49# He'll take it out on the hostages
0:37:49 > 0:37:51# Even the ones with kids
0:37:51 > 0:37:54# Better get yourself some body bags. #
0:37:58 > 0:37:59That was beautiful.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02- Could you make me some more? - ALL: Ooh.- Er...
0:38:02 > 0:38:04- ALL: Definitely!- Yes, maybe(!)
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp won't be coming in now.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15Apparently, there are road closures in Norwich due to a major police...
0:38:15 > 0:38:16RADIO OFF
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21We're speaking to anyone who can help us build a picture of Pat Farrell.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22- You said you know him?- Ah, well...
0:38:22 > 0:38:25I made three cakes for him over the last year.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28But there was nothing in them that would have led him to do this.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31- They were very plain.- That's not one of our lines of investigation.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Just tell us what you know about Pat.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Irish. Shock of brown, curly hair.
0:38:36 > 0:38:40He's a strong man, with strong arms and a good walk. Moves well.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42- That's very helpful, Lynn. - Oh.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44- Thank you. - Now, how about some coffee?
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Oh, of course. How do you take it?
0:38:46 > 0:38:50No, no, we'll get it for you. Just sit there, I'll be back.
0:38:50 > 0:38:51Oh...
0:38:51 > 0:38:54MUSIC: Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I hate all this shit. Telling us how to speak.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02They think they're giving us an identity but they're...
0:39:02 > 0:39:03Turning us into nobodies.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06We're just unit-shifters for the money men.
0:39:06 > 0:39:07Sounds quite good.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s?
0:39:15 > 0:39:18I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Penny for them.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Keep the penny, you've got a gun.
0:39:23 > 0:39:27But yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover
0:39:27 > 0:39:28towing a speedboat.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32I used to dream about growing old with someone I love.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34Hm. Both valid.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36It's not going to happen now, is it?
0:39:42 > 0:39:44I miss my Molly so much.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51- Who's this chap? - That's Molly.
0:39:51 > 0:39:52Yes, of course.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57She's got such...brown hair.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03A year after that was taken, the angels took her.
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Must have been a few of them.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Now I've nobody. No wife.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13No family. No kids.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20I've got to say, Pat, kids don't make you happy.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25I remember...
0:40:25 > 0:40:28a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn.
0:40:28 > 0:40:33The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me..."
0:40:33 > 0:40:35and...you know...
0:40:35 > 0:40:38I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45Miserable.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Sounds lovely.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57PAT SIGHS HEAVILY
0:40:57 > 0:41:01# And the Wichita lineman
0:41:02 > 0:41:07# Is still on the line... #
0:41:15 > 0:41:16Gooood morning!
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Crayfish!
0:41:19 > 0:41:21I feel absolutely great.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25There's a lot to be said for a good sleep and a hot shower.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Yeah.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Sleep well, Alan?
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Er...yes, thank you.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35As the Shape siege enters its first morning,
0:41:35 > 0:41:36police are refusing to confirm
0:41:36 > 0:41:38the number or identities of the hostages
0:41:38 > 0:41:40still being held at gunpoint
0:41:40 > 0:41:42by sacked DJ Pat Farrell.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Fellow-DJ Alan Partridge
0:41:44 > 0:41:45is in contact with the police,
0:41:45 > 0:41:48who are now set up at the school behind me.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50What would you like us to play, Iris?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson.
0:41:52 > 0:41:53Aw.
0:41:53 > 0:41:56I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately that's not in the system.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59We are only allowed play-approved tracks.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02But, Pat, you've got a gun. You can play whatever you like.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do, OK?
0:42:06 > 0:42:08Remember we used to choose our own records?
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if you were tired
0:42:11 > 0:42:13or couldn't be bothered.
0:42:13 > 0:42:14- LAUGHING:- Yeah.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16You like country music, Alan?
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Can't say I do, Pat.
0:42:18 > 0:42:22It's just jilted spouses complaining whilst drunk.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24Also known as a date, if you're over 40.
0:42:24 > 0:42:27When a listener asks for a song and I don't have it,
0:42:27 > 0:42:29I feel like I've let them down.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32And Willie Nelson was Molly's favourite too.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35And Always On My Mind was her favourite song.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Do you remember that? The old roadshow bus.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49Remember it? I took my family camping in that.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51- Yeah? - That was a tough nine days.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54You see, this bus brought joy to hundreds.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56I wonder where it is now.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Probably impounded after it crushed those scouts.
0:42:59 > 0:43:00No, no, it's in the basement.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02- Oh?- Yeah.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04- Did not know that. - I used... Oh!
0:43:04 > 0:43:06- Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?- Sure.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20- Give me the gun, Alan. - Yeah.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25- The gun, Alan.- I was looking at my clothes before.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Some people call it gear, don't they? Others call it an outfit.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30- CLEARING THROAT:- But I call it clobber!
0:43:31 > 0:43:32GUNSHOT
0:43:32 > 0:43:33Jesus!
0:43:33 > 0:43:34Alan! Alan!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Alan! Alan, give me the gun!
0:43:36 > 0:43:39- Armed police, stay where you are! - Give me the gun.
0:43:39 > 0:43:40Drop the weapon!
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Alan!
0:43:45 > 0:43:46Alan, open the door.
0:43:46 > 0:43:50I'm just trying to find some way to escape.
0:43:50 > 0:43:51Alan! Alan!
0:43:51 > 0:43:54HAMMERS AT DOOR
0:43:54 > 0:43:55Ayatollah!
0:43:58 > 0:43:59He's got a shooter.
0:44:03 > 0:44:04Aargh!
0:44:07 > 0:44:09- You all right, Alan? - Yeah, I'm fine.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Cuddle me, cop!
0:44:11 > 0:44:13Argh!
0:44:13 > 0:44:14Target down.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16Yours, I believe.
0:44:16 > 0:44:19You probably thought I was gay when I gave you that cuddle.
0:44:19 > 0:44:20Don't worry, I'm not.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23- You're really cool, Alan. - Yeah, we think you're cool.
0:44:23 > 0:44:26Thank you. Sorry, who are you?
0:44:27 > 0:44:29Jason Statham.
0:44:29 > 0:44:30Jason Bourne.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Jason Argonaut.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35- Jason Argonaut? - Mm.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38- It's Jason AND the Argonauts. - Yes.
0:44:38 > 0:44:39Are you all right?
0:44:39 > 0:44:43You just said, "clobber" and then "Jason and the Argonauts".
0:44:43 > 0:44:46- Oh, sorry. - All right.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49- We go?- Yeah.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51Oh, er...by the way, thanks for not taking the gun.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Oh...that's fine.
0:44:53 > 0:44:56- RADIO:- You're listening to Pat Farrell and this is Willie Nelson,
0:44:56 > 0:44:58Always On My Mind.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01For someone who's always on my mind, my late wife Molly.
0:45:01 > 0:45:04# Maybe I didn't love you
0:45:07 > 0:45:10# Quite as often as I could have
0:45:14 > 0:45:17# Maybe I didn't treat you... #
0:45:21 > 0:45:23- Does that man look 59 to you? - I didn't look.
0:45:23 > 0:45:27- I just put his name into Google Images.- This is Pat Farrell!
0:45:27 > 0:45:31That is a Pat Farrell. Do I have to do everything?
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Ma'am, you'd better hear this.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35It's taken from the transcript of the broadcast.
0:45:35 > 0:45:370100 hours. "Partridge:
0:45:37 > 0:45:40"I wish this was abroad, because it would make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42"Farrell: What's Banged Up Abroad?
0:45:42 > 0:45:45"Partridge: You don't know Banged Up Abroad? Farrell: No.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47"Partridge: Everyone knows Banged Up Abroad.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49"Farrell: I don't. What is Banged Up Abroad?
0:45:49 > 0:45:52"Partridge: You seriously don't know Banged Up Abroad?
0:45:52 > 0:45:53"You have to be shitting me.
0:45:53 > 0:45:55"Farrell: I've never even heard of..."
0:45:55 > 0:45:58Just get to the bit where they stop saying Banged Up Abroad.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05"Sidekick Simon: I once banged up a broad."
0:46:05 > 0:46:08"Partridge: That's the best you've got, even with a gun to your head?"
0:46:08 > 0:46:11He's got a gun to his head.
0:46:11 > 0:46:14I remember once coming to in a skip in the middle of the afternoon
0:46:14 > 0:46:16with my underpants in my mouth.
0:46:16 > 0:46:18And then I realised: "Oh, these are not my pants!"
0:46:18 > 0:46:20HE LAUGHS
0:46:20 > 0:46:23Oh, I can laugh about it now but, you know, back then...
0:46:23 > 0:46:25Sssh, ssh. What's that?
0:46:25 > 0:46:27HELICOPTER ROTORS
0:46:27 > 0:46:29POLICE RADIO: Move into position, over.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31It's the police.
0:46:31 > 0:46:35If you like canapes that are on the turn, we've hit the mother lode.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure. Whatever happened to circles?
0:46:38 > 0:46:41I mean, I've heard of a square meal but that's ridiculous.
0:46:41 > 0:46:42HE LAUGHS
0:46:42 > 0:46:44I was just saying I've heard of a square meal.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48- We think it's the police. - Wait.
0:46:48 > 0:46:49QUIET BUMP
0:46:49 > 0:46:51- That definitely came from in there. - That's just a cupboard.
0:46:51 > 0:46:54- It's not even an outside wall. - Careful.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56- No, Jason... - I'll protect you.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59JASON: It's not an outside wall. Look, I'll show you. Look.
0:47:01 > 0:47:03- Michael? - Aye, aye, Mr Partridge.
0:47:03 > 0:47:05What are you hiding in there for?
0:47:05 > 0:47:08I found myself a place of concealment, like when I was on manoeuvres.
0:47:08 > 0:47:11Take your light off. You're blinding everyone you speak to.
0:47:11 > 0:47:13Now it's flashing. Sorry.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17Michael, you look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.
0:47:17 > 0:47:19- How long have you been here? - All night.
0:47:19 > 0:47:21- What did you eat?- I had me lunch box.
0:47:21 > 0:47:22- Where did you go to the toilet? - No.
0:47:22 > 0:47:24I had me lunch box. ALL GROAN
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Thank God it's got a smoky finish with an airtight seal.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29I tell you what. It seals in the freshness.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31No, Michael. It seals out the freshness.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33What is going on in here?
0:47:33 > 0:47:35Michael's just visiting us from the cupboard.
0:47:35 > 0:47:36No need to get shouty-shouty.
0:47:36 > 0:47:39- Did those Goredale bastards put you up to this?- No.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41No, no. I've been in here a few nights.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43- No, one night.- No, a few nights.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45A few nights this week and the week before.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47- Why?- Me brother wanted the bed to himself.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49Ah, yes. Michael suffers from night terrors.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51He thrashes about like a big salmon.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53What's in the box?
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Er...Michael... Michael let himself down.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01I'm really sorry, I done a shit in the box.
0:48:01 > 0:48:04Well, get rid of it. Throw it out the window.
0:48:07 > 0:48:09Fall back! Fall back!
0:48:12 > 0:48:13Armed police!
0:48:13 > 0:48:15Identify yourself! Identify yourself!
0:48:15 > 0:48:18Alan Partridge. Who the f...? Alan Partridge!
0:48:18 > 0:48:21You know who I am. I haven't been off the TV that long.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24- "Identify yourself"(!) - MEGAPHONE: Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.
0:48:24 > 0:48:26Yeah, tell them to stop pointing their guns at me.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29- Lower your weapons. - Yeah, lower your weapons.
0:48:30 > 0:48:33Take your hand off your gun. Take your hand off your gun.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36And the other hand. I can wait here all day.
0:48:36 > 0:48:37Do as he says.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40Thank you. Why do you have to turn it into a competition?
0:48:40 > 0:48:42Just because I won. OK.
0:48:42 > 0:48:44OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46I told you, I've got a very sensitive tummy.
0:48:46 > 0:48:47Who are you talking to, Alan?
0:48:47 > 0:48:49I've got Pat on the end of the line in both senses.
0:48:49 > 0:48:52I'm tethered to the building via this rope and relaying messages
0:48:52 > 0:48:55from Pat via this state-of-the-art Sennheiser 1000 head set.
0:48:55 > 0:48:58Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm telling them that now.
0:48:58 > 0:49:00If you'd listened, you'd know I'm telling them.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03- Pat says "Hi". - Hi, Pat.
0:49:03 > 0:49:06And hi to your fellow officers.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08OTHERS: Hi. Hi, Pat.
0:49:08 > 0:49:12Alan, listen. Pat works with us here, this can all end well. OK?
0:49:12 > 0:49:14- I give him my word. - OK, just... Yep.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16OK. Pat, you've got to... you're rambling.
0:49:16 > 0:49:19You've got to be more concise. What do you want? "I want a helicopter."
0:49:19 > 0:49:21That's just an example, by the way.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.
0:49:24 > 0:49:26MARTIN: That might not be possible, Alan.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29But let's dialogue. What else can we do for him?
0:49:32 > 0:49:34SCREAMING
0:49:35 > 0:49:38Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs. What the hell's going on?"
0:49:38 > 0:49:41Pat, listen to me. That was not an attack, OK?
0:49:41 > 0:49:45We just had to dispose of a box around the corner in a controlled manner.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47Pat would prefer it if you spoke through me, as would I.
0:49:47 > 0:49:51Martin says they deployed a remote RV fitted with a disruptor
0:49:51 > 0:49:55to neutralise a suspected IED. He doesn't know what you're talking about. He's quite angry.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58- He's honking in my ear like a mad Irish goose. - LAUGHTER
0:49:58 > 0:50:00MAN: Aha! WOMEN: We love you, Alan!
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Um...do you mind? It's not a radio roadshow.
0:50:02 > 0:50:06- I'm trying to host a siege here. - We love you, Alan!
0:50:06 > 0:50:09Get away. Who said that?
0:50:09 > 0:50:10What's it like in there?
0:50:10 > 0:50:14Ah...scary, stressful, lots of shouting.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16A bit like being married again.
0:50:16 > 0:50:17LAUGHTER
0:50:17 > 0:50:20And there's a crazy person running around with a gun.
0:50:20 > 0:50:22So it's a lot like being married again.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24LAUGHTER
0:50:24 > 0:50:28And er...when I saw a guy with a shotgun in his mouth begging for mercy, then...
0:50:28 > 0:50:30- LAUGHTER - You're ahead of me.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32You're ahead of me. A lot of you are.
0:50:32 > 0:50:35He's still got his hand on his gun. He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37- I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.- Alan.
0:50:37 > 0:50:40- I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off. - LAUGHTER
0:50:40 > 0:50:44- No, come on. We're better than that. Guys, seriously.- Alan, wait!
0:50:44 > 0:50:47By the way, there's an extra hostage. Meant to tell you that.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53In a surprise development, DJ Alan Partridge
0:50:53 > 0:50:56appeared outside the building, while tethered to a rope.
0:50:56 > 0:51:00Footage of his address is already one of the most viewed YouTube videos
0:51:00 > 0:51:02since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole".
0:51:02 > 0:51:04Mr Partridge, whose Facebook page
0:51:04 > 0:51:07lists one of his interests as hand-to-hand combat,
0:51:07 > 0:51:11has been acting as mediator between police and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.
0:51:11 > 0:51:15As people around the world ask, who is Alan Partridge?
0:51:16 > 0:51:18- ALAN:- That was a majestic voice.
0:51:18 > 0:51:23You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25You are listening to...
0:51:25 > 0:51:28JINGLE: The partridge and the poacher.
0:51:28 > 0:51:29SQUAWK AND GUNSHOT
0:51:29 > 0:51:33And what I believe is a world first, I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,
0:51:33 > 0:51:37broadcasting live from a siege at gunpoint.
0:51:37 > 0:51:38Pure class, Alan.
0:51:38 > 0:51:42And today, we'll be asking, what was better in the olden days?
0:51:42 > 0:51:45OK, Pat, shoot. I mean, you know, start speaking.
0:51:45 > 0:51:46- Terry in Necton.- Egypt.
0:51:46 > 0:51:49- I'm liking this.- They used to build the pyramids,
0:51:49 > 0:51:51now they can't get you a taxi to the airport.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53Terry, I like the way you think. Please call again.
0:51:53 > 0:51:54- Will do.- Nicholas in Weybourne.
0:51:54 > 0:51:57- Nurses were better in the old days.- Bull's-eye.
0:51:57 > 0:52:00They used to be these Florence Nightingale-type figures.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03These days it's just, you know, short-haired women in trousers
0:52:03 > 0:52:04washing their own hands at a sink.
0:52:04 > 0:52:08Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable has the greatest torsional strength
0:52:08 > 0:52:11ie, which can withstand the greatest twisting load before rupture?
0:52:11 > 0:52:14- Caroline in Sprowston.- Beards were better in the olden days.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16- Love it. - Sebastian in Holt.
0:52:16 > 0:52:18- UK manufacturing. - Good. Good, but dull.
0:52:18 > 0:52:20- Paul in East Runton. - Kill 'em all, Pat.
0:52:20 > 0:52:21Shoot the women first.
0:52:21 > 0:52:26We'll also be asking, have you ever met a genuinely clever bus driver?
0:52:26 > 0:52:28I wonder what the listening figures are for this.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30Yeah. Can you stop drumming?
0:52:30 > 0:52:32OK. Time for fact of the day.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35VOICEOVER: Fact of the day. Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.
0:52:35 > 0:52:36COWS MOO
0:52:36 > 0:52:39- Cows don't have hymens. - Absolutely correct.
0:52:39 > 0:52:42Cows do not have hymens, just a partially opened cervix.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44The time is 10:22.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Right now, to your muster stations. It's Bryan Ferry.
0:52:47 > 0:52:49MUSIC: Let's Stick Together by Bryan Ferry
0:52:49 > 0:52:52Ah...that was...that was er...
0:52:52 > 0:52:53- Very good.- Yeah. Radio gravy.
0:52:53 > 0:52:55Wow.
0:52:55 > 0:52:58I suppose you forget about the gun after a while, don't you?
0:52:58 > 0:53:00- No, I don't.- OK.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02Good.
0:53:08 > 0:53:11Lynn! Lynn Benfield, can we have a word?
0:53:11 > 0:53:14Oh, Alan doesn't like me speaking to the press.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17- We're not press. We're television. - Well, I'm... I'm not really...
0:53:17 > 0:53:19We've got hair and make-up.
0:53:20 > 0:53:22Oh!
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Back now to Norwich, where DJ Alan Partridge
0:53:25 > 0:53:28- continues to bring news of the radio...- Ah, Angela?
0:53:28 > 0:53:31- Someone wants a word with you. - Who?
0:53:31 > 0:53:32Him.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35Tensions on the Korean peninsula continue...
0:53:35 > 0:53:37- Why? - ..following Kim Jongil...
0:53:37 > 0:53:39- Oh...shit. - CHANGES TV CHANNEL
0:53:39 > 0:53:41- TV:- Vegas, I was doing kind of...
0:53:41 > 0:53:42SURFS CHANNELS
0:53:42 > 0:53:43..for anyone's price range...
0:53:43 > 0:53:45CONTINUES SURFING
0:53:47 > 0:53:49..mounting tensions in North...
0:53:49 > 0:53:50CONTINUES SURFING
0:53:52 > 0:53:55RAPID SURFING
0:54:02 > 0:54:04..erectile dysfunction...
0:54:04 > 0:54:06CONTINUES SURFING
0:54:07 > 0:54:10- Inside, Partridge seems unfazed...- Ah, him.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12- Me on TV. Good photo. - He tried instead
0:54:12 > 0:54:15to calm the gunman by joining him in the studio.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17Yes, just your basic disabled loo.
0:54:17 > 0:54:22You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad, high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.
0:54:22 > 0:54:23Alan, calm down. You're being all hectic.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27This is because you're on TV, isn't it? You're all puffed up like a robin.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29It's like you can see in me.
0:54:29 > 0:54:33Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk about disabled toilet facilities, did you?
0:54:33 > 0:54:35Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic.
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Good gracious.
0:54:49 > 0:54:50WHISTLING
0:54:50 > 0:54:53I'm sorry about the nasal whistle. It's when I'm anxious.
0:54:53 > 0:54:55WHISTLING
0:54:56 > 0:54:58WHISTLING STOPS
0:54:58 > 0:55:00BOTH MOAN
0:55:09 > 0:55:13You know... You know, "Shape - the way you want it to be"?
0:55:13 > 0:55:16- Yeah?- Your shape's the way I want it to be.
0:55:16 > 0:55:17I'm on about your body.
0:55:20 > 0:55:24- What might this be? - That...is my damned todger.
0:55:24 > 0:55:29And it's all the fault of a certain Miss Angela...
0:55:29 > 0:55:31I'm sorry, I don't know your second name.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34He's very brave. He was once feeding ducks in the park.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37One took a peck at him and instead of retreating, he hit it with the back of his hand.
0:55:37 > 0:55:40HE MOUTHS
0:55:40 > 0:55:41TV: DJ Alan Partridge...
0:55:41 > 0:55:43- Hi.- You got time for a quick wawa?
0:55:43 > 0:55:45- What?- Quick wawa.
0:55:46 > 0:55:48- Oh, you mean "wawa"? - Yeah. Yeah.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50- Sorry. You just did a different noise.- Sorry.
0:55:50 > 0:55:54Look...how are you feeling about this whole media circus? How you feeling?
0:55:54 > 0:55:55Between you and me, pretty puffed up.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58- Like an owl. - Let's hope you're a wise one.
0:55:58 > 0:56:01Nice. I pitched it up, you knocked it out of the park.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03Synergy. Oh, no, that's lesbians.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05Let me tell you something, Alan.
0:56:05 > 0:56:09As far as the press is concerned, you are the face of this siege.
0:56:10 > 0:56:12- I am siege face. - Exactly.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15After this, you'll get more offers than a whore at our Christmas party.
0:56:15 > 0:56:17BOTH LAUGH
0:56:17 > 0:56:19I like that. Yeah, I like that.
0:56:19 > 0:56:21Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:56:21 > 0:56:23You'd know a thing or two about that, wouldn't you?
0:56:23 > 0:56:27That would be... "Mmm-hmm," he says. That's a moustache.
0:56:27 > 0:56:28Seriously, did you give her one?
0:56:28 > 0:56:32Well, I...I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35Hand on the outside of the bra. Er...you know, reconnaissance.
0:56:36 > 0:56:41And then I just held her in my arms because she told me she never knew her mother, and I said,
0:56:41 > 0:56:44"Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age.
0:56:44 > 0:56:48"But guess what? I never really knew HER."
0:56:48 > 0:56:49Erm...and...
0:56:49 > 0:56:50CLEARS THROAT
0:56:50 > 0:56:53To get back on track, erm...
0:56:53 > 0:56:55Yeah, I mean... Yeah, whoo!
0:56:55 > 0:56:57- I like you.- I like you.
0:56:57 > 0:56:59He likes me, Lynn. Jason Tresswell likes me.
0:56:59 > 0:57:01- Alan? Are you OK? - I've got to be quick.
0:57:01 > 0:57:04Pat thinks I've borrowed his phone to play Angry Birds.
0:57:04 > 0:57:06- Of course. What is it? - A computerised bird-throwing game.
0:57:06 > 0:57:09- No, I meant... - I'm joking, Lynn.
0:57:09 > 0:57:11Enjoy me. Everyone else is.
0:57:11 > 0:57:13Goredale Media think I'm some sort of Christ 2.0.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16Do you know, I'm within a brair's headth of getting the breakfast show.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19I'll call myself the Morning Rooster, or the Talking Cock.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22- You're not thinking clearly. - Yes, I am.
0:57:22 > 0:57:23Lynn, I'll say this once and I'll say it again.
0:57:23 > 0:57:27My career's getting a shot in the arm and if I can stay in here to the bitter end,
0:57:27 > 0:57:31I will be the biggest thing to come out of Norwich since...Lord Nelson or Trisha.
0:57:31 > 0:57:33Think about that and what that means.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35Your priority is the welfare of the hostages.
0:57:35 > 0:57:37Good, put that out as a press release and say I said it.
0:57:37 > 0:57:39Alan, your ego's getting the better of you.
0:57:39 > 0:57:43I've just got to stay alert and focused. I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.
0:57:43 > 0:57:45How effed up is that?
0:57:46 > 0:57:48- Alan? Alan?- Oh...
0:58:09 > 0:58:10HE GROANS
0:58:10 > 0:58:11Ohh! Christ's sake.
0:58:15 > 0:58:17Not now. Oh, God.
0:58:18 > 0:58:20I'm caught on the latch.
0:58:24 > 0:58:25HE GASPS
0:58:33 > 0:58:35Oh, come on. Please.
0:58:44 > 0:58:47Stop, armed police! Get your hands above your head.
0:58:47 > 0:58:50- I've just got... - Get your hands above your head!
0:58:50 > 0:58:53- I want to get those trousers. - Do it! Hands above your head.
0:58:53 > 0:58:56- They're my trousers. - Get your hands above your head now!
0:59:00 > 0:59:02What are you doing? It's weird.
0:59:03 > 0:59:06There are paparazzi all over the place
0:59:06 > 0:59:08and I do not want them to get a photograph of my genitals.
0:59:08 > 0:59:10CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING
0:59:10 > 0:59:13- Oh, come on! - That's it, look at me.
0:59:20 > 0:59:23And how were the hostages when you left?
0:59:23 > 0:59:25- Crouched. - I mean, what's their state of mind?
0:59:25 > 0:59:29Oh. Er... If I'm honest, a bit moany. Yeah. Is someone writing this down?
0:59:29 > 0:59:31- Yeah.- Sorry. I thought you were some clothes.
0:59:31 > 0:59:34Thanks for the forensic trousers, by the way.
0:59:34 > 0:59:37- Could you just um...? - Crikey. Yeah, sorry.
0:59:37 > 0:59:40I was actually going to fashion a sort of makeshift modesty sporran
0:59:40 > 0:59:42from the vacant arm flaps.
0:59:46 > 0:59:50- CLEARS THROAT - OK, I think we're done here.
0:59:50 > 0:59:53Any chance of freshening up? I just need to wipe my face with a big hot towel.
0:59:53 > 0:59:56Presumably you want to use me as part of your media strat?
0:59:58 > 1:00:00No.
1:00:00 > 1:00:01- Do you agree?- 100%.
1:00:01 > 1:00:03Gotcha.
1:00:03 > 1:00:07The police said you could do media interviews when the siege is over.
1:00:07 > 1:00:09It will be too late then, Lynn. People move on.
1:00:09 > 1:00:12Goredale Media will move on.
1:00:12 > 1:00:14But you're still being talked about.
1:00:14 > 1:00:18Only cos every time I look at the telly, they're showing a picture of my arse.
1:00:18 > 1:00:21It's all right for you. Every other time I look, they show a picture of your face.
1:00:21 > 1:00:24And then the next time surprise, surprise, my arse again.
1:00:24 > 1:00:26I was only telling people about you.
1:00:26 > 1:00:32You know, I was Goredale's golden goose, and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas.
1:00:32 > 1:00:34But why do you want to work for people like that?
1:00:34 > 1:00:37- Goredale are bullies.- Yeah. And what do you do with a bully?
1:00:37 > 1:00:40You make friends with the bully, so they bully someone else.
1:00:40 > 1:00:43- "What doth it profit a man..." - Doth?
1:00:43 > 1:00:47"..if he gains the whole world yet loses his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight...
1:00:47 > 1:00:50Yeah, I know who wrote it. I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn.
1:00:50 > 1:00:55I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media
1:00:55 > 1:00:57on a long-term basis for cash.
1:00:57 > 1:00:58It's a very different thing.
1:00:58 > 1:01:00HE CROAKS
1:01:03 > 1:01:05I don't know how you can look yourself in the eye.
1:01:05 > 1:01:07I can't, Lynn. My nose is in the way.
1:01:07 > 1:01:09You can talk, prattling away on every news bulletin.
1:01:09 > 1:01:11I mean, who the heck do you think you are?
1:01:14 > 1:01:16- I'm Lynn Benfield. - You don't look like Lynn Benfield.
1:01:16 > 1:01:20I mean, what has happened to you, with your attitude and your hair?
1:01:20 > 1:01:21You've literally become a big head.
1:01:22 > 1:01:25- I like it.- I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn,
1:01:25 > 1:01:28but a lot of people think it looks like a photograph of an explosion.
1:01:30 > 1:01:32I don't know if I want to work for a man like you.
1:01:32 > 1:01:35I don't know that I want to employ someone who looks like a madam.
1:01:35 > 1:01:36And I don't mean a Parisian one
1:01:36 > 1:01:40I mean, one who lives in a terraced house behind a train station.
1:01:46 > 1:01:48NASAL WHISTLE
1:01:52 > 1:01:56Doors opening! Armed police! Armed police!
1:01:56 > 1:01:59Oh, shut up, will you? Stop shouting.
1:01:59 > 1:02:02- Easy, Pat. Mind the steps. - I'm able to walk down steps, all right?
1:02:02 > 1:02:05He means because the gun's against my head.
1:02:05 > 1:02:08- Everybody has an opinion, huh? - Hear, hear. Well said.
1:02:08 > 1:02:10- Oh.- Hi, Pat.
1:02:10 > 1:02:13Hey, Alan. What happened? We were in the middle of a show,
1:02:13 > 1:02:15and then your arse is all over the internet.
1:02:15 > 1:02:17Looked like you had a turkey's head between your legs.
1:02:17 > 1:02:20No, it didn't. No, it didn't. It doesn't have a beak.
1:02:20 > 1:02:22And, yeah, I took an executive decision
1:02:22 > 1:02:24to stow my cock and balls up against my backside.
1:02:24 > 1:02:27I can't believe you left me with this nutcase.
1:02:27 > 1:02:29Hang on a minute, you're the one with the gun.
1:02:29 > 1:02:32- See? He's hilarious. - He's solid. He's solid.
1:02:32 > 1:02:35- Pizzas coming through now, Pat.- Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off.
1:02:42 > 1:02:44Oh, hello.
1:02:47 > 1:02:49Actually, I want Alan to bring them in.
1:02:51 > 1:02:55That might not be possible, Pat. Alan's not prepared to do that.
1:02:55 > 1:02:57No... I am prepared to do that.
1:02:57 > 1:02:59- It's not that simple.- Do you want me to release some people?
1:02:59 > 1:03:01Sure. Let's talk about that.
1:03:01 > 1:03:03Alan, what do you reckon if I let the women go?
1:03:03 > 1:03:07Yeah, let a couple of the women go. Maybe keep Angela.
1:03:07 > 1:03:09- But her kids will be worried sick.- She's got kids?
1:03:09 > 1:03:12Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15.
1:03:13 > 1:03:15I believe they're a real handful.
1:03:15 > 1:03:17Yeah, what was I thinking? Let all the women go.
1:03:17 > 1:03:20Pat, give me five minutes with head office.
1:03:20 > 1:03:22He's bringing them in now. Alan, come on.
1:03:22 > 1:03:24- Top one.- Top one.
1:03:24 > 1:03:28- Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one. - OK, come on, son.
1:03:29 > 1:03:31Oh, shit.
1:03:34 > 1:03:37Why did you say hello to that delivery guy?
1:03:37 > 1:03:42Oh, him? No, he just reminded me of a man I know called Mike Cable,
1:03:42 > 1:03:46who did my accounts from '97 to '98.
1:03:46 > 1:03:48Actually, no - '99.
1:03:48 > 1:03:50Till he stopped because his daughter was very ill.
1:03:50 > 1:03:52Yeah, it was touch-and-go, actually.
1:03:52 > 1:03:56He and Sandra were in bits, they had to cancel their holiday.
1:03:56 > 1:03:57It was a fly-drive to Tuscany.
1:03:57 > 1:04:02I must tell him, actually, that there's a policeman that looks just like him.
1:04:02 > 1:04:03What's that?
1:04:03 > 1:04:06Must tell Mike that there's a pizza man who looks just like him.
1:04:07 > 1:04:09I'm famished.
1:04:12 > 1:04:14- Ladies, you're free to go. - What?
1:04:14 > 1:04:16- Yep. - God bless you, Pat.
1:04:16 > 1:04:17See you. Bye.
1:04:17 > 1:04:19I'll make you a home-made pizza when you get out.
1:04:19 > 1:04:21Yeah, these pizzas are pretty good.
1:04:23 > 1:04:25- Cinderella.- Yeah, well...
1:04:25 > 1:04:28No, hers was... That was a glass one, wasn't it?
1:04:30 > 1:04:31DAVE: Here comes the Tin Man.
1:04:40 > 1:04:43- Just trying to find your pizza. - Well, just give me that one.
1:04:45 > 1:04:46- Hm?- That one.
1:04:46 > 1:04:48- Which one?- The top one!
1:04:50 > 1:04:51Oh...
1:04:51 > 1:04:53- I'll take the pizzas.- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
1:04:57 > 1:05:00- MICHAEL:- Woo-ho, stuffed crust! - Thanks for coming back, Alan.
1:05:03 > 1:05:05- What are you doing? - I'm just seeing how you'll look
1:05:05 > 1:05:08on the billboard for when you start on The Breakfast Show.
1:05:08 > 1:05:11- The Breakfast Show? - Alan, can I have a word?
1:05:11 > 1:05:14Yeah, sure. Just bringing the pizza cutter.
1:05:15 > 1:05:17Right, how many do you want. Six or eight?
1:05:17 > 1:05:19Oh, my God, that's a Taser!
1:05:19 > 1:05:23This is no use, it's a pizza cutter. And that is not a pizza.
1:05:23 > 1:05:26Thing is, how did it get there? Erm...
1:05:26 > 1:05:30Unless the pizza company are running a competition in which you win a Taser.
1:05:30 > 1:05:33That doesn't make sense, does it? Do you realise, it's the police?
1:05:33 > 1:05:37The ruddy po... Do you know... They've got some brass neck for a bunch of coppers.
1:05:37 > 1:05:39I'm actually really angry about that.
1:05:39 > 1:05:41You should keep that as an extra weapon.
1:05:41 > 1:05:45What kind of fool do you take me for, eh? I'm one step ahead of all of you.
1:05:45 > 1:05:48And I'm just a step behind you, mate.
1:05:48 > 1:05:50- Ooh.- Never take your eye off the ball, Pat.
1:05:50 > 1:05:52First rule of business.
1:05:52 > 1:05:54Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity
1:05:54 > 1:05:57when it arises, like I was just then.
1:05:57 > 1:05:59Yeah.
1:05:59 > 1:06:02Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian.
1:06:02 > 1:06:05- You're a runt. - Is that what you think, Alan?
1:06:05 > 1:06:07HE STRUMS
1:06:07 > 1:06:09I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words.
1:06:09 > 1:06:12Well, I think... I think...
1:06:12 > 1:06:14The sort of the gist of what, you know...
1:06:14 > 1:06:15I just don't like bullies.
1:06:16 > 1:06:20- Um...can I take this off, please? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
1:06:20 > 1:06:22- No, I'm talking to him. - Oh, for fuck's sake.
1:06:22 > 1:06:25- Yeah, go ahead. - Thank you.
1:06:25 > 1:06:27Are you all right?
1:06:27 > 1:06:30Well, I was worried about the old head but I think I've got a handle on it.
1:06:31 > 1:06:33- Very witty. - Alan's a smart cookie, Pat.
1:06:35 > 1:06:38He's treated this whole crisis like a business opportunity.
1:06:38 > 1:06:44He's taken a look around him and he's thought, "How can I make this work for me?"
1:06:44 > 1:06:46- Well done, Alan.- Cheers.
1:06:46 > 1:06:49- Yeah, well done, Alan. - Thank you.
1:06:49 > 1:06:51You know, you and me, we've got something going here.
1:06:51 > 1:06:56Pat might be a dinosaur, filling his show with chitchat and phone-ins like it's 1983,
1:06:56 > 1:06:57but you're one of us.
1:06:57 > 1:07:00You know radio's just business. You'll do well out of this.
1:07:00 > 1:07:03And...I'll get you a glamorous assistant with big tits
1:07:03 > 1:07:07to take over from that frumpy old cow you've got at the moment. HE LAUGHS
1:07:07 > 1:07:09You know, Mrs fucking Doubtfire.
1:07:11 > 1:07:14Danny, er... Jason gave me your breakfast show.
1:07:15 > 1:07:16- Yeah.- Is that true?
1:07:16 > 1:07:18- Well...- Twat.
1:07:18 > 1:07:20JASON SCREAMS
1:07:20 > 1:07:22Oh, my God.
1:07:22 > 1:07:24Go! Go! Go!
1:07:27 > 1:07:28ARMED POLICE!
1:07:28 > 1:07:30Armed police! Everybody stay down!
1:07:30 > 1:07:34- Stay down! Don't move! Don't move! - Have you got any scissors?
1:07:34 > 1:07:36Have you got any scissors?
1:07:36 > 1:07:38Armed police! Armed police!
1:07:38 > 1:07:41Studio's empty. Where's Farrell? Where's Partridge?
1:07:41 > 1:07:42ENGINE REVS
1:07:45 > 1:07:48LOUDSPEAKERS: # Roll out the barrel...
1:07:48 > 1:07:50MUSIC CONTINUES
1:07:53 > 1:07:56OFFICER: Get into position, get in front of that bus!
1:07:56 > 1:08:01We got three on a bus. Three on a bus. I want a green light on a sniper now.
1:08:01 > 1:08:03This cannot be happening.
1:08:03 > 1:08:06Jeez, Alan. Look at this. Quite alarming, isn't it?
1:08:06 > 1:08:08Er...I think... I think we'll be fine.
1:08:08 > 1:08:11Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted to stick it to Goredale one more time.
1:08:11 > 1:08:15I don't mind in the slightest, Pat. Goredale are tits.
1:08:15 > 1:08:19Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance, and I'm not wearing a seatbelt.
1:08:19 > 1:08:21What are you going to do about it this time?
1:08:24 > 1:08:26Start the car! Start the car! Let's go!
1:08:26 > 1:08:28SIRENS WAIL
1:08:31 > 1:08:34Right, let's give them some stick.
1:08:34 > 1:08:36You're listening to Pat and Alan
1:08:36 > 1:08:39with a message for the Goredale Medias of this world.
1:08:39 > 1:08:43If you think you can take real DJs and turn them into radio robots,
1:08:43 > 1:08:46think again, because we're going to get up in your face...
1:08:46 > 1:08:47Great.
1:08:47 > 1:08:50..with a big fat slice of roadshow radio right here, right now.
1:08:50 > 1:08:52- The time is 1:27. - PAT CHUCKLES
1:08:52 > 1:08:55This is John Farnham and The Voice.
1:08:55 > 1:08:57MUSIC: You're The Voice by John Farnham
1:09:04 > 1:09:07Today we're asking, why do people keep their eggs in the fridge?
1:09:07 > 1:09:11Once again, why do people INSIST on keeping their eggs in the fridge?
1:09:11 > 1:09:15And can a binman reasonably expect a Christmas tip
1:09:15 > 1:09:19when he has point-blank refused to dispose of a broken toaster?
1:09:19 > 1:09:22- Good question!- And that can be today's large question.
1:09:22 > 1:09:25ECHOING VOICES: Large question.
1:09:25 > 1:09:30Oh, and we have some travel news. There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.
1:09:30 > 1:09:33That'll be due to wacky blokes on a big yellow bus.
1:09:33 > 1:09:35BOTH LAUGH
1:09:35 > 1:09:37It's competition time, and we 're playing pairs.
1:09:37 > 1:09:39- Sid on line two. Black and... - Decker.
1:09:39 > 1:09:40- Spick and...- Span.
1:09:40 > 1:09:42- Hall and...- Oates.
1:09:42 > 1:09:43- Egg and...- Bacon.
1:09:43 > 1:09:44Oh, it was gammon!
1:09:44 > 1:09:46SID: Can I just say, I think Goredale are awful.
1:09:46 > 1:09:48Yeah, they are bastards.
1:09:48 > 1:09:50That's why I've washed my hands of them. You know what I always say?
1:09:50 > 1:09:57I always say, "What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?"
1:09:57 > 1:09:59And people seem to like that. They really do.
1:10:05 > 1:10:08# You're the voice, try and understand it
1:10:08 > 1:10:10# Make a noise and make it clear
1:10:10 > 1:10:13# Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
1:10:13 > 1:10:16# Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!
1:10:16 > 1:10:21# We're not gonna sit in silence We're not gonna live with fear
1:10:21 > 1:10:24# Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh... #
1:10:24 > 1:10:26It looks like you've touched a nerve, Pat.
1:10:26 > 1:10:29These are my listeners, Alan, ordinary working people.
1:10:29 > 1:10:33They're not working, it's the middle of the day. Unless they're on flexitime.
1:10:33 > 1:10:37Oh, look. I used to live in one of those after my divorce.
1:10:37 > 1:10:40TV, kitchen - very nice.
1:10:40 > 1:10:43Hey, people, I'm looking at a picture of Goredale Media.
1:10:43 > 1:10:46Honestly, look at that bunch of corporate mercenaries.
1:10:46 > 1:10:49What's wrong with doing radio for the love of radio?
1:10:49 > 1:10:52They would do anything for 30 pieces of silver.
1:10:53 > 1:10:57You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show. Radio for the love of radio.
1:10:57 > 1:10:59AD MAN: Sponsored by Castrol.
1:10:59 > 1:11:00SPEEDING CAR EFFECT
1:11:01 > 1:11:03Just going to use the loo.
1:11:14 > 1:11:15SIRENS BLARE
1:11:18 > 1:11:20- Alan?- Hi!
1:11:20 > 1:11:23Alan, I want to talk to you.
1:11:23 > 1:11:24Alan?
1:11:24 > 1:11:26CLATTERING AND THUDDING
1:11:37 > 1:11:39NASAL WHISTLING
1:11:47 > 1:11:49Oh, hi, Pat.
1:11:49 > 1:11:51Alan, how did you even get in there?
1:11:51 > 1:11:55Um...I just removed an aluminium panel. Slid straight in.
1:11:55 > 1:11:59- Er...textbook. It's good, isn't it? - Your voice sounds funny.
1:11:59 > 1:12:03I think the conical shape of the toilet's turned it into a sort of a compact amphitheatre.
1:12:03 > 1:12:06- It's weird. - It is, Pat. It's bizarre.
1:12:06 > 1:12:11It is and was a failed escape attempt, a sort of a Shitshank Redemption, if you will.
1:12:11 > 1:12:14Ah. The Armitage Shank Redemption, eh?
1:12:14 > 1:12:17Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha! I'm laughing like a drain and I'm in one.
1:12:17 > 1:12:20Shake hands, Pat. Friends. Friends, Pat, friends.
1:12:20 > 1:12:24Friends? I know what you did, you fucking snake.
1:12:24 > 1:12:26"Just sack Pat." Huh?
1:12:26 > 1:12:28- You're as bad as the rest of them. - Pat, be reasonable.
1:12:28 > 1:12:31Before you think of shooting anyone, just for a second think,
1:12:31 > 1:12:35what would drive a man to incarcerate himself in a septic tank? It's pathetic.
1:12:36 > 1:12:40- I'm not going to shoot you.- Thank God for that.- That's good news.
1:12:42 > 1:12:43Sweet mother of God, no.
1:12:43 > 1:12:45Oh, angels and saints preserve us!
1:12:45 > 1:12:47Dear God, let them be firm!
1:12:47 > 1:12:49CRASHING
1:12:50 > 1:12:52Help!
1:12:53 > 1:12:54Stop the bus!
1:12:54 > 1:12:55TYRES SCREECH
1:12:55 > 1:12:58- What's that?- It's a septic tank. You can have it.
1:13:01 > 1:13:03SIRENS WAIL
1:13:36 > 1:13:38PELLET FIRES
1:13:38 > 1:13:40Oh...not again!
1:13:43 > 1:13:45Damn gypsies tampered with the sights.
1:13:53 > 1:13:56Trust me, Susan.
1:13:56 > 1:13:57PELLET FIRES
1:13:57 > 1:13:58Ow! Jesus!
1:14:02 > 1:14:04Suspect is on Cromer...
1:14:43 > 1:14:46You're a fucking clown, Alan.
1:14:46 > 1:14:48Ah. Hi, Pat.
1:14:50 > 1:14:53I trusted you, Alan. I thought we were friends.
1:14:53 > 1:14:55- But you let me down.- Well, I...
1:14:55 > 1:14:58- You got me sacked. - Over here! Pat!
1:14:58 > 1:14:59Look!
1:15:00 > 1:15:01Oh, shit!
1:15:01 > 1:15:03SPLASH
1:15:04 > 1:15:05What was that?
1:15:05 > 1:15:09I think it was supposed to be some sort of distraction. Yeah.
1:15:09 > 1:15:11- Brave but pointless. - Excuse me?
1:15:11 > 1:15:13Oh, God, get back inside. Quick, now!
1:15:13 > 1:15:16- We want to get down there. - Do you mind?- This is an armed standoff.
1:15:16 > 1:15:17- Where were we?- I got you sacked.
1:15:17 > 1:15:20- Yeah, you let me down. - Pat, listen to me.
1:15:20 > 1:15:21- I've got this.- Pardon?
1:15:21 > 1:15:23- I said, I've got this. - How long is it going to go on for?
1:15:23 > 1:15:25- Shut up! - He's telling you to shut up.
1:15:25 > 1:15:27- GARBLED: Calm down.- Didn't get that.
1:15:27 > 1:15:29- Too close to your mouth. - Calm down.
1:15:29 > 1:15:31- It's too close to your mouth! - Did you get that?
1:15:31 > 1:15:32What?
1:15:32 > 1:15:36She's saying, if you put your air rifles back, you won't be in too much trouble.
1:15:36 > 1:15:39- This is a shotgun.- This is an air rifle. That's a shotgun.
1:15:39 > 1:15:41We'll leave you to it.
1:15:41 > 1:15:43I surrender.
1:15:51 > 1:15:53Pat?
1:15:55 > 1:15:57Pat?
1:15:57 > 1:16:01- I brought Molly to this pier.- Happy times.
1:16:01 > 1:16:02I scattered her ashes here.
1:16:02 > 1:16:04Ah.
1:16:04 > 1:16:07Buried at sea.
1:16:07 > 1:16:10Like Bin Laden.
1:16:10 > 1:16:12And now here we are.
1:16:13 > 1:16:15The circle of life.
1:16:15 > 1:16:17Cirque du Soleil.
1:16:20 > 1:16:22Turn your head away.
1:16:22 > 1:16:23OK, let's calm down.
1:16:23 > 1:16:25- Pat, come on.- Turn your head away.
1:16:25 > 1:16:27- Pat, listen to me... - Pat, you're scaring me.
1:16:27 > 1:16:29- I won't ask again. - Pat, I need you to stay calm.
1:16:29 > 1:16:32Turn your head away.
1:16:34 > 1:16:41# Maybe I didn't love you, quite as often as I could have... #
1:16:41 > 1:16:42What are you doing?
1:16:42 > 1:16:50# Maybe I didn't treat you, quite as good as I should have... #
1:16:50 > 1:16:52Stop it!
1:16:52 > 1:16:56# And if I made you feel second best
1:16:56 > 1:17:00# Girl, I'm sorry I was blind
1:17:01 > 1:17:05# But you were always on my mind
1:17:06 > 1:17:11# You were always on my mind
1:17:13 > 1:17:16- # Maybe I... # - Pat, are you ready to...
1:17:16 > 1:17:17Shut up, you dick!
1:17:20 > 1:17:21Pat, what are you doing?
1:17:21 > 1:17:23- MUFFLED:- I want to be with Molly.
1:17:23 > 1:17:24What?
1:17:26 > 1:17:28I want to be with Molly.
1:17:29 > 1:17:31- Pat, don't do this. - MARTIN: Pat, don't do this!
1:17:31 > 1:17:33Unbelievable.
1:17:33 > 1:17:36- I can't reach the trigger. - Pat, come on.
1:17:40 > 1:17:42Would you do it for me?
1:17:43 > 1:17:46Yeah, course I will, mate.
1:17:47 > 1:17:49Course I will.
1:17:51 > 1:17:53It's over, Pat.
1:17:55 > 1:17:57No more hurting.
1:17:57 > 1:17:58Ow!
1:17:58 > 1:18:01- GUNSHOT - Aaargh!
1:18:01 > 1:18:03You fucking idiot!
1:18:05 > 1:18:06Shit.
1:18:07 > 1:18:11- Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me. - They've blown me to bits, Lynn.
1:18:11 > 1:18:13I feel cold.
1:18:14 > 1:18:17It's all right, Alan. God is with us.
1:18:17 > 1:18:19We had some mad times, didn't we, Lynn?
1:18:20 > 1:18:24There's some blood coming from my mouth, Lynn.
1:18:24 > 1:18:27- It's just spit. - Is it? Oh, yeah.
1:18:27 > 1:18:29- Alan, I'm really sorry. - It's all right, Pat.
1:18:29 > 1:18:32- You've still got the gun! - Aargh!
1:18:34 > 1:18:37Was I a good man, Lynn? Was I a kind man?
1:18:37 > 1:18:39Very kind.
1:18:39 > 1:18:44I remember when you were defrosting your freezer and you gave me all that bacon.
1:18:44 > 1:18:46- I'm ready, Lynn. - GULL CRIES
1:18:46 > 1:18:47I think I'm ready.
1:18:47 > 1:18:49WINGS FLUTTERING
1:18:49 > 1:18:51Oh. Hello, Mr Seagull.
1:18:51 > 1:18:53Have you come to take my spirit away?
1:18:53 > 1:18:55GULL CRIES
1:18:55 > 1:18:56Go, gull!
1:18:58 > 1:19:01Gull...gull...gull.
1:19:03 > 1:19:05HOLY MUSIC
1:19:21 > 1:19:23- What are you doing? - I'm watching it fly off.
1:19:25 > 1:19:29It's weird, Lynn. Yours will be the last face I ever see.
1:19:30 > 1:19:32- Oh, good. - Hi there. You're going to be OK.
1:19:32 > 1:19:36- I've been shot in the heart.- Your heart's there. That's your shoulder.
1:19:36 > 1:19:38No, that...that's my heart. Ow!
1:19:38 > 1:19:40- Can I have my job back now? - Yeah, if you want.
1:19:41 > 1:19:44MUSIC: Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson
1:19:44 > 1:19:47SHE CHUCKLES
1:19:47 > 1:19:50# Maybe I didn't love you... #
1:19:50 > 1:19:52How long have you been a paramedic?
1:19:52 > 1:19:54- About four years.- Right.
1:19:54 > 1:19:57And do you start in St John's Ambulance and then work your way up
1:19:57 > 1:19:59or are they separate organisations?
1:19:59 > 1:20:01- They're separate... - She can answer for herself, Lynn.
1:20:01 > 1:20:04- They are separate organisations. - Right.
1:20:04 > 1:20:06- Are you courting? - Well...
1:20:06 > 1:20:07Not you, Lynn!
1:20:07 > 1:20:11JINGLE: North Norfolk Digital - North Norfolk's best music mix.
1:20:11 > 1:20:13- ALAN:- We've had a letter from Louise in Thetford,
1:20:13 > 1:20:18who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth of people poking fun at garden gnomes.
1:20:18 > 1:20:20"They may be small and strange-faced,
1:20:20 > 1:20:22"but they bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people."
1:20:22 > 1:20:25Now, that's a letter, once upon a time I would have found offensively dull.
1:20:25 > 1:20:27- Yeah.- Not now.
1:20:27 > 1:20:29So maybe everything that happened has changed you.
1:20:29 > 1:20:31I think I have changed a little bit.
1:20:31 > 1:20:34Well, for my part, I was a bit worried about my head...
1:20:34 > 1:20:35- Here we go.- But um...
1:20:35 > 1:20:39- I think I've got a handle on it now.- Oh, yeah, that's a good joke.
1:20:39 > 1:20:42You've used that joke about three or four times now.
1:20:42 > 1:20:44- I don't know if you're aware of that.- I use it too much?
1:20:44 > 1:20:47I wouldn't say that. I just think we're in that area and...you know.
1:20:47 > 1:20:50- What about the hat? - Good for the bin, I reckon.
1:20:50 > 1:20:52- Lose it?- Yeah.
1:20:52 > 1:20:54But I think, like you say, you're coming on leaps and bounds...
1:20:54 > 1:20:56and I think, 12 months' time,
1:20:56 > 1:20:58you'll probably have forgotten there ever was a siege.
1:20:58 > 1:21:01- What siege? - Er...exactly. That's good.
1:21:01 > 1:21:03- You haven't really forgotten? - No.
1:21:03 > 1:21:08OK, time now for our weekly phone call with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell.
1:21:08 > 1:21:11- It's... - # Ring-ring from Sing Sing!
1:21:11 > 1:21:12CELL DOOR CLANGS SHUT
1:21:12 > 1:21:14Hello, Pat. Wagwan!
1:21:14 > 1:21:16Er... Hi, Alan.
1:21:16 > 1:21:19OK, this week's question comes from Sue, a dental hygienist from Grantham.
1:21:19 > 1:21:22She asks, "Prison time is often referred to as porridge
1:21:22 > 1:21:27"but do they actually serve porridge? And if so, is it compulsory?"
1:21:27 > 1:21:30Yeah, they serve porridge but you can have other things.
1:21:30 > 1:21:34Thanks, Pat. We'll have another question for you next week, until then...
1:21:34 > 1:21:36JINGLE: Keep your nose clean, boy.
1:21:36 > 1:21:37PAT SIGHS
1:21:40 > 1:21:42MUSIC: The Number One Song in Heaven by Sparks
1:21:46 > 1:21:49# It's number one all over heaven
1:21:49 > 1:21:52# It's number one all over heaven
1:21:52 > 1:21:55# It's number one all over heaven
1:21:55 > 1:21:59# The number one song all over heaven
1:21:59 > 1:22:03# If you should die before you awake
1:22:05 > 1:22:09# If you should die while crossing the street
1:22:11 > 1:22:14# The song that you'll hear, I guarantee... #
1:22:17 > 1:22:19- ALAN:- Colby, Philip? If you guys don't dig the sounds,
1:22:19 > 1:22:22sling us your pod, I'll dock it.
1:22:22 > 1:22:24You won't like it.
1:22:24 > 1:22:27Guys, I dig a lot of stuff.
1:22:27 > 1:22:29A good beat's a good beat.
1:22:29 > 1:22:31MUSIC: All The Wrong Places by Example
1:22:33 > 1:22:35# All the wrong places
1:22:37 > 1:22:39- MUSIC OFF - Sorry, not listening to that.
1:22:39 > 1:22:42# It's number one all over heaven
1:22:42 > 1:22:45# It's number one all over heaven
1:22:45 > 1:22:48# It's number one all over heaven
1:22:48 > 1:22:51# The number one song all over heaven
1:22:51 > 1:22:55# The song filters down, down through the clouds
1:22:58 > 1:23:01# It reaches the earth and winds all around
1:23:04 > 1:23:07# And then it breaks up in millions of ways
1:23:09 > 1:23:12# It goes la, la, la, la, la, la, la la
1:23:12 > 1:23:15# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
1:23:15 > 1:23:18# La, la, la la, la, la, la, la
1:23:18 > 1:23:22# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
1:23:22 > 1:23:26# Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit...
1:23:29 > 1:23:31- ALAN:- For God's sake, if it's that important...
1:23:31 > 1:23:33MUSIC RESUMES: All The Wrong Places by Example
1:23:33 > 1:23:35# Toe to toe
1:23:35 > 1:23:39# We all stand tall
1:23:39 > 1:23:41# Row by row
1:23:42 > 1:23:45# All eyes glow
1:23:45 > 1:23:48# Like a rabbit in the headlights
1:23:48 > 1:23:50# Get your head right
1:23:50 > 1:23:53# Start a new life Shiver in the moonlight
1:23:53 > 1:23:56# You must embrace it cos if not you'll waste it
1:23:56 > 1:23:59# You're looking for love in all the wrong places
1:24:04 > 1:24:06# All the wrong places... #
1:24:10 > 1:24:13- MUSIC OFF - Sorry, that is awful.
1:24:13 > 1:24:17MUSIC RESUMES: The Number One Song in Heaven by Example
1:24:17 > 1:24:20# Ooh, la, la, la, la, la... #