0:01:14 > 0:01:15GUARDS CHAT
0:01:30 > 0:01:32HE CRIES OUT
0:01:34 > 0:01:36GUARD GROANS
0:01:39 > 0:01:40LOW CHATTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44COIN CLINKS ON FLOOR
0:01:58 > 0:02:00GUARD: Oh...por favor.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01HE STRAINS
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Holy Maria.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05HE STRAINS
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Please, I...
0:02:36 > 0:02:39MAN: Well, well, well, well.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41If it isn't Sir Richard Hawkins.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Thieving English privateer and pain in the bum hole.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Is that you, Phil?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50King Phil...ip.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I thought so.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- You don't mind if I...? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- You carry on. Fill your boots. - That's very decent of you.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Hm-mm-mm.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Love to stop for a portrait, but, er...must dash.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Do look me up if ever one of your Armadas pans out
0:03:06 > 0:03:08and I'll take you out in London.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- My treat.- I'll be sure to pop it in the diary.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16You seem very chipper for someone being robbed.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19No, it's just I'm a... a little bit excited.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22You see, I'm interested to see how you're going to get out of this one.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23HE GASPS
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It's a round room, no corners, two exits.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Not exactly holding all the cards there, Phil.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Have you forgotten the first rule of espionage?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34No. Always hide in plain sight.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36SINGSONG VOICE: Mr Hawkins.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Oh, bugger.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44GUARD: Take him.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Get him up!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53I sail under the sovereign protection of Queen Elizabeth
0:03:53 > 0:03:55and she will not stand for this!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Good.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06I'm counting on it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13HORSE WHINNIES
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Make way! - PANICKED CRIES
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Make way!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Aaargh!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- YELLS:- Make way!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I don't suppose you could...?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28He's gone.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Make way!
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Letter for Her Majesty.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Where is she?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Undressing. What is it? - King Philip II of Spain.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42It would seem...
0:04:44 > 0:04:45..he's captured Sir Richard.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46SHE GASPS
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- QUEEN ELIZABETH:- Hawkins?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I agree, Your Majesty,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Hawkins is a most valuable asset
0:04:55 > 0:04:59and we all want him back out there robbing the Spanishes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03But diplomacy is our only option.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- A summit with King Philip. - LADIES-IN-WAITING: Ooh!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09As your father, King Henry, always said,
0:05:09 > 0:05:13"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And a lot of stuff about women that I never really...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- Will there be dancing? - What about a joust?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Kiss chase. - Sex wrestling.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Perhaps a nice play. - I hardly think we need to...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- QUEEN ELIZABETH:- Wait.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Who said...a play?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53BOY: I'll get you!
0:05:55 > 0:05:56BOYS LAUGH
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- WOMAN:- Bill! Bill!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- What? - Your friends are here.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22gently to hear, kindly to judge,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24we are... Mortal Coil.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27LIVELY TUNE
0:06:48 > 0:06:50PLAYS SOLO
0:06:56 > 0:06:58CONTINUES SOLO
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- It's not you. - It is you.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13It is you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Maybe you're destined for something different.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Like what?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Erm... - Er...
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Cooking. - Anyway, we'd better...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25..shuffle off.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Sorry, Bill.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Sorry, Bill.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I thought his name was Phil.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I knew something like this was going to happen.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Talent jealousy. - You'll get over that.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Not me. Them.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Well, I will call in at the butcher's tomorrow
0:07:53 > 0:07:56and see if he still needs someone in the afternoons.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Whoa, Anne.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I'm not going to go and work in some butcher's.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04But you said if things didn't work out with the band, you'd get a proper job.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- You promised. - I know.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07And I have.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I've written a great work for the stage.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- What? - I'm a writer now.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Oh, my God. - What?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Bill, you're not a writer.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- What's this, then? Scottish mist? - Scotch mist.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24This is why you're not a writer.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Oh! It's just another fad, Bill.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Just like the acting, the band, the interpretive dance.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. This is different.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's like the words flow through me.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Like I'm the east and they're the sun.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Well, not that, but... - Bill...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Writing scripts isn't a job, not in Stratford.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You need theatres and patrons and...
0:08:50 > 0:08:51- No. - Just think about it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54There is no way that you are moving our entire family
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- down to that bloody London! - ..a talented young writer in London.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01You want to go to London? You go to London.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03But me and the kids are not going with you.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06You're 30 years old. It's time you grew up.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- What, and give up my dreams? - They're just dreams.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Oh!
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Well...we'll see who the dreamer is, sweetheart.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22That London is not going to know what hit it.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26People will remember the name Shakespeare...
0:09:26 > 0:09:2820 years from now!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53To each their dreams.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20- Earl of Essex. - Of course, sir.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Earl of Essex! - GATEKEEPER:- Earl of Essex!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Oxford. - Of course, sir.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Earl of Oxford! - Earl of O!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27- Croydon. - Of course, sir.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Straight out the front gate, down the road towards Penge.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Now, you need to veer left when you hit a stream.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36No, I don't want to go to Croydon. I am Croydon.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38The Earl of Croydon.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- Barry. - Yeah?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- You got a Croydon down there? - I was here yesterday.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- All right. - Er... Got a Chester.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Cornwall?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Got a Crawley. - Yes, that's me.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- But you just said Croydon. - There is no Earl of Crawley.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54That's me. Your list is wrong.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57We've gotta go by the list, sir. A lot of Catholics about, you see.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You can't just let anybody in.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02But he just...
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Ah. Southampton, would you please tell these idiots who I am?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Yes, Crawley, isn't it? - CHUCKLES
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Earl of Crawley. - Curly Wurly.
0:11:14 > 0:11:20So no jokes at all as such. We go out and do funny observations.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I'd stick to the juggling.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I pulled his finger. Turned out he had dysentery.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Ha, ha, ha.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Anyone seen a spare chair or...? - Drake, darling.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Are you still harping on about your little pleasure cruise?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- OTHERS:- Oooh! - Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You're still burning your way through all your daddy's hard-earned money?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER Oooh-hoo-hoo!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I'm trying, love. Investing in the arts now.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It's like pouring it down a privy.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51GUFFAWS
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Oh, and have you erm...?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Oh, yes. Three tankards of mead and just a bowl of those crispy pork things.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- I'm the Earl of Croy... - Now, get this.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- Go on, the one about the sailor. - Oh!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Now, this... I warn you, you'll have to mark this one "Not safe for work."
0:12:06 > 0:12:07- LAUGHTER - No, seriously.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10He calls it an apartment, but it's just a hut with...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Hang on. LIVELY TUNE FROM PALACE
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I love this one.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Is it true as well that during the battle of the Armada
0:12:28 > 0:12:30they slept between 2pm and 5pm?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Yeah, mostly. We'd stop fighting and they'd go and have a lie down
0:12:33 > 0:12:35or go and chuck darts at a board.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Hey, where's our drinks?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Where are our drinks? - I am the Earl of Croydon.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I fetch drinks for no man.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43- Thank you. - You're welcome.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45LAUGHTER
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- Here's your tip. - Oh. "Ha-ha-ha!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Oh, hilarious.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52It's a jesters' convention.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56"Ooh, I sailed around the world. Look at me, everyone. Ooh!"
0:12:56 > 0:12:58You're no better than me!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- I do stuff. - Like what, exactly?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Well, I do... er...
0:13:07 > 0:13:09..juggling.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Fire eating.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Ah! I'm a prostitu...
0:13:16 > 0:13:17No, sir.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Writering.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Writering? Writering.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I am a writer.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- No, you're not, darling. - How dare you!
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I'm the finest writer in all of England!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Are you, now?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Who is it?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Indeed I am, Your Majesty.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Why, how very fortuitous, Lord...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Ooh, I want to say Crawley.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Croydon, Your Majesty. The Earl of Croydon.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Crawley is down towards Horsham.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Croydon is...um...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Do you know Penge at all?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I don't care.
0:14:05 > 0:14:11There is to be a diplomatic summit with our beloved cousin,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14King Philip II of Spain.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- ALL: King Philip II of Spain. - Spain.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- MUMBLES:- Sorry.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24And what better centrepiece to this fine event...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28..than a demonstration of our great nation's...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32..utter dominance in the arts?
0:14:34 > 0:14:39A play penned by one of my very own courtiers.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And we shall be most pleased to hear this play of yours.
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Because you know what happens if we're displeased.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53EXHALES
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Sorry, you do know what happens if...- Yep. Yes, yeah.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Oh, no, that's gone.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16LADIES GASP
0:15:19 > 0:15:22LADIES GASP AND CRY OUT
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Si.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30LADIES GASP
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Ooh!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41What is the score, Your Majesty?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Juice. LADIES COO
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Your Majesty, there is a messenger here to see you.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52From England.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56"To His Majesty King Philip II of Spain."
0:15:56 > 0:15:57That's me.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02"Queen Elizabeth cordially invites you to diplomatic talks in London
0:16:02 > 0:16:07"to discuss the capture of her most loyal subject, Sir Richard Hawkins."
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Actually, I just need to...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I told you she would take the bait.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18The rabbit is in the snare.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Your Majesty...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28the specialists you requested.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh, yes. Talk to me.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Lope Lopez, Your Majesty.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Master of inquisition.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39It's for making people talk.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Juan Domingo, Your Majesty.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Espionage...and weapon-ry.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51CRIES OUT
0:16:51 > 0:16:53SHOCKED CRIES
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- Nice.- Actually, I was aiming for the pillar.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Sweaty hands. - CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And...where's the other one?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Gabriel Montoya, Your Majesty.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Master of disguise.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12If you need a milkmaid, washerwomen or female fisherman,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I am your woman - man.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- WHISPERS:- Man.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21OK.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23We have been presented with a...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Why are you here again? - Sorry. Um...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I just need to take food orders for the banquet.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Just so we've got some rough numbers on the mains.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Whatever is fine. I don't care.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Er... I can't eat shellfish.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- What? - Well, prawns are fine.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44But... I have to avoid the bivalves.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46What... What, what?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Bivalves. You know, er... mussels,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50scallops, oysters and...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Oh, what is the one which er...stick out of the sand?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- Razor clams. - Razor clam!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Ai, ai, ai.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59And I can't do nuts.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02If I even eat a small, itty-bitty nut,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04my throat, it expands, it swells like a man's thing.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- And langoustine. - You had that thing with...
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- No-one's going to force you to eat nuts.- OK, you know what? Whatever.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Oh... - Just go now.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Seriously?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22We have been presented with a unique opportunity
0:18:22 > 0:18:26to rid the world of this Protestant cow,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29to strike from within her royal court.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32This is our Trojan horse.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36It doesn't look like a horse.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Well, it's not an actual horse. You know, it's a...a metaphor.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Read a book.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It's a hiding place from which a secret attack can be sprung.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Gentlemen, who would like to kill a queen?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- ALL: Yes! - Yes, please!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Yes!
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Yes!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04KNIFE CLATTERS
0:19:04 > 0:19:06HE GRUNTS
0:19:07 > 0:19:09OK, what is this? Some kind of veneer?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12You need a softer wood, like a balsa, something like that.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- Or do the chair. - Stick it in the chair maybe.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Try the chair. - You'll ruin the chair.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30You been before?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- No, first time. - Oooh.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37It's nice. You'll like it.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Don't steal anything. - Yeah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50CHATTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- BOY:- Wait for me. - SECOND BOY: This way.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Here! - Tom!
0:20:01 > 0:20:03London.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10WOMAN CHATTING
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Yeah, well, it's mostly pork. - Right.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- When you say mostly pork, what? - Well, mostly pork and other stuff.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- It doesn't matter. It's only for him.- Yeah.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Right.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- EARL OF CROYDON:- Ian!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Ian!
0:21:11 > 0:21:12My Lord.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Why did you let me get drunk?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- I wasn't there. - Exactly.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Look what happened.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Now I have to write this incredible play
0:21:20 > 0:21:23or some power-crazed lunatic's going to chop my head off.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Well, report him to the Queen. - I'm talking about the Queen.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And stop leaving me multiple chamber pots.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32It's very confusing.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Still... - HE SIGHS
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I suppose writing a play can't be that hard, can it?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I mean, it's just...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42talking, isn't it, but... written down.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43HE SNIFFS
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"Hello. I'm a man in a play."
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"Hello. I'm a woman in a play."
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Oh, this is easy.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Ian? - Hm?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Go out and fetch me paper and quills.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I'm going to put Croydon on the map.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Good day to you, sir.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I am a dramatist from a distant vale
0:22:16 > 0:22:19who comes to London seeking fame and fortune.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Would you be so kind as to point me in the direction
0:22:22 > 0:22:24of the city's most reputable theatre?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Ha.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28HE LAUGHS
0:22:28 > 0:22:30HE COUGHS
0:22:30 > 0:22:32The theatres are closed, my friend.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Plague. It's killing the art.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And people. I heard.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40It's taken my play. It might as well have its audience.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41You're a writer?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I'm a writer too.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46STOOL SCRAPES ON FLOOR
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Shakespeare. Bill Shakespeare.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Christopher Marlowe.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54So, what sort of stuff do you write, Chris?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Drama, tragedies, tales of betrayal and revenge.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Frailties of the human condition.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- You? - Bum jokes.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04People hit by sticks. Comedy.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Comedy? - You know, like erm...
0:23:08 > 0:23:09SNORING
0:23:09 > 0:23:11I see your mum's in.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13That's not my mother.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15That's not what your sister told me.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16COUGHING
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- That's a man. - That's what makes it funny.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25- You're not from London, are you, Bill?- No, Stratford.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Just came down here to try and get this baby into a theatre or...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Look, I'm the most successful playwright in London
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and I can't even buy a house without borrowing money.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I mean, imagine that.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38If I can't make a living from the theatre,
0:23:38 > 0:23:39I hardly see the works of Shakespeare
0:23:39 > 0:23:40taking the world by storm.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I see.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- Do you act? - Well, I've...trodded the boards.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I'm thinking about going for this thing.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54It's not much, but it's money.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58It's a two-hander, so... if you want to come along...
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Thank you.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Don't thank me.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Thank your mother who is dead.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- What? - Not like that, then?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Oh, no. No, never like that.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Right. Interesting.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25So, this thing, is it a meaty role?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Not exactly.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Vegetables! - Vegetables.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Madam, why not try some vegetables with your meat?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Try some vegetables? They're really good for you. And they help you poo.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Get 'em right down.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Are you cold?
0:24:44 > 0:24:45I'm cold.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- SHE SQUEALS - Sssh.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- Walsingham. I thought you were dead. - No, just in deep cover.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- But it was an open casket. - Yeah, it was very deep.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Listen, Molly... I need some information.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Is it true, about this summit?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Oh, yes, here at the palace on the 7th.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- I hear the Spanish are hunky. - Well, you hear wrong!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Catholics can't put on muscle mass because God hates them.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22They've no muscle and no backbone, like snakes.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Surely snakes are all backbone. No?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Well, like worms, then. - Oh, no, worms are all muscle.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Someone knows a lot about Catholics. No, no, just... garden creatures.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Hm... One can't be too careful, Molly.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38They're everywhere, you know.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41The Catholic threat may be sleeping now,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43but it will soon awaken like a...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Bear? - Yes.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Good.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Like a non-muscular, spineless bear!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54SHE SQUEALS
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- Uh... False alarm. - So we're safe, then?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Safe? Ha!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03If the Catholics are so weak and spineless...
0:26:03 > 0:26:05What they lack in muscular, skeletal integrity,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07they more than make up for in cunning.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11They'll be hatching plots as we speak.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Well, should I tell the old...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Majesty? - No.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I will be her eyes and ears and mouth.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20No, not mouth.
0:26:20 > 0:26:26Just tell her Sir Francis Walsingham is back and I remain, as always,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28her most faithful servant.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35HE FARTS
0:26:35 > 0:26:36PLOP!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48KING PHILIP: We are close. Disguises on.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55- Boss.- What is it?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I don't understand.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59If you have been invited to England,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02why do we have to sneak ashore like this?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Because, Juan, one -
0:27:06 > 0:27:09the invitation was for me and my closest advisors,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11not a group of trained assassins.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13They were very clear about that.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And two, Juan - an assassination like this,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19it takes time and planning.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21People don't just kill themselves.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25My cousin did.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37HE LAUGHS
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Sleep well this night, dear Queen.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Soon this land shall be mine.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48HE SPITS
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Boss, I have some bad news.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56We forgot the horse.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Gentlemen, good evening.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06And welcome...to England.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09If you'd just like to follow me up to Customs,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11we'll get you checked in, OK?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16You land us here? I said clandestine.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24I don't know what that means.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28One donkey, straw, made thereof.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32All...righty, Richard.
0:28:32 > 0:28:38If you'd like to shimmy that one along and pop the next one sur la table.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Strapping lads, like my sons would have been.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43The plague.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Let's have a look. What have we got here?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53OK. Ours is not to judge prior...
0:28:55 > 0:28:57What's this?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- It's for making peo... - Gazpacho.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04It's for making gazpacho. It's a...cold soup.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06It's very nice.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08WHIRS
0:29:08 > 0:29:10RATTLES AND SQUEAKS
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Well, everything seems to be in order. Enjoy your stay.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Psst. Sir.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30- King Philip II of Spain? - Yes.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35Oh. Very clever.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42SHOUTING
0:29:44 > 0:29:46GULLS CRY
0:29:59 > 0:30:01- Morning. - Walsingham.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- I thought you were dead. - Don't believe everything you read.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08- I can't read. - Good.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12- Any survivors? - No, sir.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Whoever it was did a thorough job.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17HE SNIFFS
0:30:17 > 0:30:20We did get one of theirs, sir. No idea who they are.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29Catholics.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31The game is afoot.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33BELL TOLLS
0:30:33 > 0:30:35This is heavy.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Wait. That might be our man.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54The weather in London is unseasonably cold for this time of year.
0:30:54 > 0:30:59But the mynah bird must wait until winter before its song can be heard.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03What the hell does that mean?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Honestly, you try and start a conversation with someone...
0:31:09 > 0:31:13The weather in London is unseasonably cold for the time of year.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16- Are you the secret Catholic contact?- Er... Yes.
0:31:16 > 0:31:17No. Um...
0:31:19 > 0:31:21- Yes. - OK, let's go.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23- Right, yes. This way, Your Majesty.- Come.
0:31:25 > 0:31:26Ow.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39You're kidding, right?
0:31:39 > 0:31:41This is the biggest Protestant church in England.
0:31:41 > 0:31:46Last place you'd look for a Catholic hideout, Your Majesty, yes.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49- Hide in plain sight. - Ha-ha.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Yes, I like this guy. He's got cojones.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Come along, come along. This way.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03- Sorry.- Sssh. OVERLAPPING CHATTER
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Over here.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21SCRAPING AND CLANKING
0:32:26 > 0:32:28SQUEAKING
0:32:29 > 0:32:32Your Majesty, I think you'll find everything you need.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Jesus Christ.
0:32:46 > 0:32:47LOW CHATTER STOPS
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Sorry.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51BILL: My sweet angel.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53Greetings from that London.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57I am delighted to report that despite your slight doubts,
0:32:57 > 0:33:00my dreams of success are coming to fruition.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03Sorry. Trousers stolen in the night.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Very much not my fault.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09I have secured a challenging role performing daily
0:33:09 > 0:33:12with renowned dramatist Christopher Marlowe.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I greatly regret the terms on which we parted
0:33:15 > 0:33:16and look forward to your reply,
0:33:16 > 0:33:19as reading it would provide a welcome distraction
0:33:19 > 0:33:23from my tireless schedule of rehearsals, performances and...
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Oh, no.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- CHILDREN:- Daddy!
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- Daddy! - Hey, guys!
0:33:31 > 0:33:33HE LAUGHS
0:33:33 > 0:33:37- Wh... What are you doing here? - I brought the kids to see Daddy.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40- And what's Daddy dressed as? - CHILDREN:- A tomato.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Mm-hm.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44And can we think of any plays that a tomato might be in?
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- Gosh, well, there's... - Look, kids.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- A human statue. - No, he's... dead.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Oh, look. A juggler. Go and have a look. Go on.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- Wow. - So this is it, is it?
0:33:59 > 0:34:04- This is your big, challenging role? - OK, I admit I'm not on the stage yet.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06But I'm making inroads.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09If I work really hard, I could be the next Christopher Marlowe.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Oh, this is Christopher Marlowe.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14Chris, Anne. Anne, Chris.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17- Hello. - I'm staying with Aunt Jane.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Have them back by three.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Anne, please, give me a chance.
0:34:22 > 0:34:27- CROYDON:- Enter our hero. Let's call him Hero.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Erm... Blah, blah, blah...
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Oh, God. Writing's hard.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41That poor sexy woman.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49SCRAPING
0:34:49 > 0:34:51LAUGHTER
0:34:51 > 0:34:53Hello, my dear.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Going somewhere?
0:34:55 > 0:34:57THEY LAUGH
0:34:57 > 0:34:58Here, look. Ring and ting.
0:34:58 > 0:35:03- Get away from me! - Unhand that beautiful woman, sir!
0:35:04 > 0:35:07What's the matter with you? Cowards?
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Get him.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12- THEY LAUGH - Yeah.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15THEY LAUGH
0:35:15 > 0:35:17- THEY CRY OUT ANNE:- Aaaah!
0:35:21 > 0:35:22KNIFE CLATTERS
0:35:22 > 0:35:24Oh.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Bit embarrassing.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29HE WHIMPERS
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Let that be a lesson to you.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Good God. Are you all right?
0:35:40 > 0:35:43It's quite hard to tell. I mean, it's deep, but it hasn't gone...
0:35:43 > 0:35:45- Oh, right. - Thank you.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48Quickly. Poor people are easily startled, but they'll soon be back.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51And in greater numbers. Come.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Aaargh!
0:35:53 > 0:35:57- Don't dawdle, Ian. - I'll be right with you.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59- HE GROANS - He's had lunch.
0:35:59 > 0:36:00And I take his throat out. Nnnyh!
0:36:00 > 0:36:03And the blood is...
0:36:03 > 0:36:06It's everywhere. It's on the walls, it's on the architraves, on the rugs.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08And the Queen, she tries to get away,
0:36:08 > 0:36:10but she can't run because she's slipping in all of the blood.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13So I grab her by the hair and I pull her round to look at me
0:36:13 > 0:36:16and I say, "Knock, knock! Lope's here!"
0:36:16 > 0:36:19And she's like, "Oh, no!" And I go, "Shut up!"
0:36:19 > 0:36:22And I put my thumbs right into her eyes and when I let go,
0:36:22 > 0:36:24the eyes, they plop out and drop down onto the cheeks.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27And so I pick up the eyes and I look at them with my eyes and I go,
0:36:27 > 0:36:31"Ahh! Do you like that, lady, huh? Do you like that?"
0:36:37 > 0:36:39- OK.- Yeah.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Thank you for that, Lope. It's very nice.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49- Let's call that plan J. Hm? - Plan J.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51OK.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Sorry. Do you want to...?
0:36:56 > 0:36:58- Oh.- Hm.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03The problem with it is, because of the unfortunate incident on the beach...
0:37:03 > 0:37:06..the authorities are now on high alert.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09The issue is now not how we kill the Queen
0:37:09 > 0:37:12but getting close enough to do it.
0:37:12 > 0:37:13Boss, I have an idea.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16Does it involve you dressing up as a lady?
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- Well, yes. - OK, any other ideas in the room?
0:37:19 > 0:37:21No, no, please, please.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Listen.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27We need to find a way to get us all inside the palace without raising suspicion.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30The play's the thing.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Yes, that's it.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37MURMURING
0:37:40 > 0:37:44We must find this Earl of Croydon...
0:37:44 > 0:37:48for his play is our Trojan horse.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50Any questions?
0:37:55 > 0:37:59Please come in, relax. Welcome to my humble abode.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03- I really don't think this is necessary.- No, no, it's no trouble at all.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05- You're in deep shock. - Actually, I don't think I am.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Yeah, that's one of the symptoms.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11Ian, would you fetch the lady some brandy, please?
0:38:11 > 0:38:13- Brandy. - And nibbles. Fetch some nibbles.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15Oh.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17So...
0:38:17 > 0:38:21- Erm... Is there somewhere I could...?- Oh, yes, of course.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Just up the stairs, second on the left.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26HE GROWLS
0:38:34 > 0:38:36HE GASPS
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Ian, whoever that is, I'm out!
0:38:43 > 0:38:46Gentlemen. How may I...
0:38:46 > 0:38:47Right.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Seriously, Lope, what is wrong with you? Hm?
0:38:50 > 0:38:52- What? - Is this about your dad?
0:38:55 > 0:38:57- Ian, who was it? - Some handsome men.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Who the hell are you?
0:39:04 > 0:39:05HE GASPS
0:39:05 > 0:39:07King Philip II of Spain.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Oh.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Oh, God. Not now.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19- Anyway, how are you? - Don't worry.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24What is this, some sort of Catholic plot?
0:39:24 > 0:39:26LAUGHTER
0:39:26 > 0:39:29A Catholic plot? LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:39:30 > 0:39:33No, no, no. I assure you, there is no conspiracy here.
0:39:33 > 0:39:37No, no, no. It's just that things between me and your beautiful Queen...
0:39:37 > 0:39:39LAUGHTER
0:39:42 > 0:39:45..they have been a little bit...difficult.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48So, I was thinking.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51How can I demonstrate that our two nations
0:39:51 > 0:39:54can work together, in harmony?
0:39:56 > 0:39:59A half-and-half flag cake?
0:40:00 > 0:40:03It's a cake, obviously.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Half of it looks like the English flag.
0:40:05 > 0:40:06- Imagine... - The other...
0:40:06 > 0:40:09..this great play of yours ends.
0:40:09 > 0:40:13People are applauding, they are cheering.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Then you step forward and you say,
0:40:18 > 0:40:20"Your Majesty, surprise.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23"This play has been a collaboration with our Spanish friends."
0:40:23 > 0:40:27She cries. She hugs you.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29She gives you Devon.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33- I do like Devon. - Who doesn't?
0:40:33 > 0:40:39Together...we shall put on a play that will go down in history...
0:40:39 > 0:40:43- Wait a minute. Is this it?- Yeah, well, it's not quite finished.
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Not quite finished? It's, what, three pages?
0:40:45 > 0:40:47It's been a bit of a struggle, if I'm honest.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50You're telling me. "Hello. I'm a man in a play."
0:40:50 > 0:40:51"I am a woman also in a play."
0:40:51 > 0:40:55- Talk about clunky exposition. - Well, what do you expect me to do?
0:40:55 > 0:40:58Stumble across some unsuspecting young writer with a completed play,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01hoodwink him, steal his work and pass it off as my own?
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realise you had visitors.
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Oh, Anne,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08this is, erm...
0:41:08 > 0:41:12- Geoff... Smith. - Yes.
0:41:12 > 0:41:16A theatrical impresario. And these are the...
0:41:18 > 0:41:21..Cockney Players of Bow.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23- All right? - London Town.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Down the rub-a-dub.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27You see, I'm putting on a play for the Queen.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30If you can find one, mate.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32LAUGHTER
0:41:32 > 0:41:34- I'll find one, mate. - Well, you better had.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37LAUGHTER
0:41:37 > 0:41:39My husband's written a play.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47Can you spare a moment to talk about vegetables at all?
0:41:47 > 0:41:49- No. - They're really good for you and...
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Hey. What are you doing?
0:41:52 > 0:41:53This is a meat market, mate.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57This is our patch, not some sort of vegetable pa...
0:41:58 > 0:41:59Surely there's room enough for...
0:41:59 > 0:42:01There some sort of problem here, Leslie?
0:42:01 > 0:42:04No, no. No problem.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08Just a salad that needs addressing.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09Ups-a-daisy.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Here, you can't just walk around pushing people about.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14What, like that?
0:42:14 > 0:42:16LAUGHS
0:42:16 > 0:42:19Take your veg and stick it!
0:42:19 > 0:42:21- All right. - Sorry, mate.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23- Had a bad day.- Fancy a spot of lunch?
0:42:23 > 0:42:24We'll get something light.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29Phil Shakespeare?
0:42:36 > 0:42:38- WOMAN:- Bring out your dead!
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Marlowe.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44- Bring out your dead! - FLIES BUZZING
0:42:45 > 0:42:47Who's dead?
0:42:51 > 0:42:53HE GASPS
0:42:53 > 0:42:54Walsingham.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57- I thought you were dead. - I'm as alive as the next man.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Just...hiding in plain sight.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04In these troubled times, a truly...
0:43:07 > 0:43:10- It's a pretty good yield. - Yeah, it's been a good day today.
0:43:10 > 0:43:13- Any more dead? - Anyway, down to business.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15I need some information.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17No, I'm out of the spying game,
0:43:17 > 0:43:19I told you. I'm now a credible artiste.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23There's been a dip in writing work.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27- The cucumber's for the dip. - Makes sense.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31Well, spy or no spy, I would ask you to keep your ear to the ground
0:43:31 > 0:43:34for any signs of a Catholic plot.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36- Well, like what? - Well, I don't know.
0:43:36 > 0:43:41Er... Priest holes, candles, massive Marys...
0:43:41 > 0:43:43..big pictures of the Pope.
0:43:43 > 0:43:45If you see anything, you can contact me
0:43:45 > 0:43:48through the pie stall in the marketplace.
0:43:48 > 0:43:52Until next time, then, I'll bid you...adieu.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00- Your Majesty. - Hm.
0:44:00 > 0:44:02BILL: Familiarise yourself with this.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04- "Thou shalt be king." - BILL: Don't be nervous.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06THEY REHEARSE LINES Same for you, Mick.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09- I have lady parts. - Erm...
0:44:10 > 0:44:14- I have the lady parts? - Oh, yes, I see.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16Erm... Yeah, you're playing both female roles.
0:44:17 > 0:44:22OK! Suit the action to the word and the word to the action.
0:44:22 > 0:44:26Oh, and speak the speech as I pronounced it to you,
0:44:26 > 0:44:30because some of you have slightly weird accents.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33- ATTEMPTS COCKNEY ACCENT: - All-day breakfast. Fish and chips.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38Good. Well...
0:44:38 > 0:44:41Best of luck, guys. Break a leg.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43No problem.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45- Nibbles? - No.
0:44:45 > 0:44:51BILL: Presenting a bold new work for the stage by Bill Shakespeare.
0:45:05 > 0:45:06LIVELY INTRO
0:45:06 > 0:45:08# Two men who look the same
0:45:08 > 0:45:09# But have a different aim
0:45:09 > 0:45:13# It's a series of funny misunderstandings
0:45:13 > 0:45:14# Two twins each with a lover
0:45:14 > 0:45:16# Who mistake each for the other
0:45:16 > 0:45:20# Somehow fall into the service of a mad king
0:45:20 > 0:45:21- # Take this letter - Wait, there's two
0:45:21 > 0:45:24# And they mix up which goes to who
0:45:24 > 0:45:27# The comic complications keep expanding
0:45:27 > 0:45:30# In a tale so confused You can't help but be amused
0:45:30 > 0:45:34# By this series of funny misunderstandings
0:45:39 > 0:45:41- # A jilted bride - That's not funny
0:45:41 > 0:45:42- # Pretend she died? - On the money!
0:45:42 > 0:45:46# And her poisoned body's hidden by a monk
0:45:46 > 0:45:49- # Until a fool who's quite smart - He's a fool, that's a start
0:45:49 > 0:45:52- #- Says, "This monk is nuts" - And locks him in a trunk
0:45:53 > 0:45:56# And his servant, make him thick Then hit him with a stick
0:45:56 > 0:46:00# It's a series of funny misunderstandings
0:46:02 > 0:46:03# Cue a mixed-up wedding blessing
0:46:03 > 0:46:05# Further vexed by more cross-dressing
0:46:05 > 0:46:09# Which goes on to heal two families at war
0:46:09 > 0:46:12# When the bride they thought was dead comes back with a donkey's head
0:46:12 > 0:46:14# But marries anyway because her groom
0:46:14 > 0:46:19# Has been drugged by a whore!
0:46:20 > 0:46:23# Add a priest, add a lion, add a wrangle over money
0:46:23 > 0:46:25- #- It's too much - I'm confused
0:46:25 > 0:46:26# Yes, that's what makes it funny
0:46:26 > 0:46:28# Severed heads, star-crossed lovers
0:46:28 > 0:46:29# English kings, evil mothers
0:46:29 > 0:46:33# With a big happy ending notwithstanding
0:46:33 > 0:46:36# We think you'll agree this has turned out to be
0:46:36 > 0:46:39# A series of
0:46:39 > 0:46:47# Funny misunderstandings! #
0:46:49 > 0:46:52HE PANTS
0:46:52 > 0:46:54Oh, God, I'm dead.
0:46:55 > 0:46:57DOOR CLOSES
0:46:58 > 0:47:00LOW CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
0:47:00 > 0:47:02I heard about the play.
0:47:07 > 0:47:09Sorry, mate.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Why are you dressed as a sausage?
0:47:16 > 0:47:20I got turned. Playing for the other team now.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22Well, if they need a spare rib, put a word in.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26- Looks like I need a change of career.- Oh, come on, Bill.
0:47:28 > 0:47:29I'm sure it's not all that bad.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33You know, sometimes these things, they seem worse than they actually...are.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36Oh, no. Why would you...?
0:47:39 > 0:47:41Where's all the...?
0:47:41 > 0:47:43What the hell's that?
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Dance moves.
0:47:49 > 0:47:50I'm not a writer, am I?
0:47:52 > 0:47:54Just a fad.
0:47:56 > 0:48:00Right, first things first - write what you know.
0:48:02 > 0:48:04OK?
0:48:04 > 0:48:06Well, get a quill.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10And ales.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17You've just got to take in everything around you. Take in all your surroundings.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25SOUNDTRACK OVER DIALOGUE
0:48:57 > 0:48:59- Yes!- Yes!
0:49:17 > 0:49:19- Ow! - This is not a library.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23His Lordship sent me for Mr Shakespeare's play.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26- Oh, well, there you go. - I'll deal with this.
0:49:26 > 0:49:31Mr Shakespeare works for coin, which I don't see any...of.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34His Lordship said he'd pay Mr Shakespeare when he saw him next.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37Don't give me that old chuff. You know how this works.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40- No money, no funny. - All right.
0:49:40 > 0:49:42Don't stab the messenger...please.
0:49:42 > 0:49:46You tell Mr Croydon that Mr Shakespeare will meet him tonight.
0:49:46 > 0:49:48Somewhere neutral. The Bull's Inn, Deptford.
0:49:48 > 0:49:51It's quite safe. He brings the money, he gets the script.
0:49:51 > 0:49:54- I'll tell him. - Good.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56And I'll tell your mum... who isn't here.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02- Needs work. - Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
0:50:03 > 0:50:06You'll be fine. Just stick to your guns.
0:50:06 > 0:50:0750 pounds, not a farthing less.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09- Got it. - Bill.
0:50:11 > 0:50:13- I think you've got something. - What, from the river?
0:50:13 > 0:50:15No. I mean...
0:50:15 > 0:50:17..talent.
0:50:17 > 0:50:20It's a little rough, sure, but...it's there.
0:50:21 > 0:50:23So, I am a writer?
0:50:23 > 0:50:25Not yet. This...
0:50:26 > 0:50:28..I can teach you.
0:50:28 > 0:50:30Only you can find this.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32A nipple?
0:50:32 > 0:50:34We'll work on it.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39Thanks, Chris.
0:50:39 > 0:50:41CHUCKLING
0:50:43 > 0:50:44Thanks.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53Bill, you forgot the play!
0:50:53 > 0:50:55Sorry. I...
0:50:55 > 0:50:56Oh, no.
0:51:02 > 0:51:06Christopher Marlowe. How nice to see you again.
0:51:06 > 0:51:11It would seem your world has been turned upside down.
0:51:11 > 0:51:15Which is funny, because you are the wrong way up.
0:51:15 > 0:51:20Look, I know I missed a few payments, but...
0:51:20 > 0:51:21Ssssh!
0:51:21 > 0:51:23Honestly, you writers.
0:51:23 > 0:51:26BOTH: You are all the same.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29We lend you money to buy little house.
0:51:29 > 0:51:33You now have little house. You pay back money.
0:51:33 > 0:51:34Absolutely, and I will.
0:51:34 > 0:51:37Overdue payments may result in increased interest rates,
0:51:37 > 0:51:42recovery action and forfeiture of life and limb/limbs.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Terms and conditions apply.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47- Small print? - Not really.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49Although, admittedly, it is in Russian.
0:51:51 > 0:51:56Perhaps we were not clear what happens to people who are late twice.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01This is a late customer.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05- Urgh! - Which is funny because he is dead.
0:52:07 > 0:52:11In order to avoid further inconvenience,
0:52:11 > 0:52:14we now require you to pay full amount.
0:52:14 > 0:52:1850 English cash pounds by this time tomorrow.
0:52:18 > 0:52:2350? Where the hell am I supposed to find 50...pounds?
0:52:23 > 0:52:28£50 by tomorrow. Or we have to buy another trunk.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50Ooh. Got you these.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55Some sort of rose. I forget the name.
0:52:59 > 0:53:00I've got news.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05SHE GIGGLES Keep them closed.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10OK?
0:53:10 > 0:53:12Open them.
0:53:15 > 0:53:18- I've sold my play. - Wow.
0:53:18 > 0:53:19To an earl.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22Earl of Croydon.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24- It's near Penge. - Penge, yeah.
0:53:24 > 0:53:27And they're putting it on for the Queen. Not here. At the palace.
0:53:27 > 0:53:29This was just, you know...
0:53:30 > 0:53:32- For the drama. - Yeah.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34But it's good, Anne.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37- Imagine it. - Where...?
0:53:40 > 0:53:42Get down from there.
0:53:42 > 0:53:44The Rose Theatre is delighted
0:53:44 > 0:53:48to present a play by Bill Shakespeare!
0:53:48 > 0:53:50SHE LAUGHS
0:53:59 > 0:54:01Listen.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05I know I haven't always made things...easy.
0:54:07 > 0:54:09But it really feels like things are looking up for me.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12For us.
0:54:16 > 0:54:19And you said I'd never make it.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22- What? - "Go and be a butcher," you said.
0:54:23 > 0:54:27"Don't go to London," you said. Well, look at me now.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29Hang on a minute. I've always supported you.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Well, yes and no.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34- I mean, up to a point, but... - Up to a point?
0:54:34 > 0:54:37Well, let's face it, here I am, in London,
0:54:37 > 0:54:42about to perform my play for the Queen.
0:54:42 > 0:54:43And who's that down to?
0:54:45 > 0:54:47Yours truly.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49Number 1A, Me Avenue.
0:54:51 > 0:54:54- It was me, you idiot. - What?
0:54:54 > 0:54:57- I told Croydon about your play. - What? When?
0:54:57 > 0:55:00- The other day, at his house. - At his house, were you?
0:55:00 > 0:55:02- Not like that. He picked me up. - Did he, now?
0:55:02 > 0:55:06- I was trying to help you. - Well, I don't need your help.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09Well, that's a bit of luck, isn't it? Because you're not going to get it again.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12- I'm going back to Stratford. - Fine.
0:55:14 > 0:55:17One day you'll realise what you just lost.
0:55:17 > 0:55:18I hope it was all worth it.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25No, one day you'll realise what you lost, when I'm up here.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31When I'm up here.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33APPLAUSE
0:55:34 > 0:55:36THUNDER RUMBLES
0:56:04 > 0:56:06Saying things in a short, snappy way
0:56:06 > 0:56:10instead of a long, drawn-out way is the soul of wit.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20Ooh. Someone's been in the wars.
0:56:20 > 0:56:21Yes, I...
0:56:23 > 0:56:25- What are you doing in a pie? - It's a disguise.
0:56:25 > 0:56:29Or one might say a dis-pies.
0:56:29 > 0:56:31Now, that works in three ways.
0:56:31 > 0:56:34One, it's a disguise. Two, the disguise is pies.
0:56:34 > 0:56:37And three, it's got the word "spies" in it, so...
0:56:37 > 0:56:38- It's very clever. - Mm.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40What did you want?
0:56:40 > 0:56:45- Well, you know Catholic plots? - Does the Pope wear a silly hat?
0:56:47 > 0:56:49I think I may have found one.
0:56:51 > 0:56:54He rents a room above The Quill and Rapier.
0:56:54 > 0:56:57Well, you'll see for yourself.
0:56:57 > 0:57:00He's turned it into some sort of Catholic shrine.
0:57:03 > 0:57:04What the...?
0:57:09 > 0:57:11I'm being framed.
0:57:11 > 0:57:12- MEN:- Left, right, left... - Come on, lads.
0:57:15 > 0:57:18Chris? BANGING ON DOOR
0:57:18 > 0:57:19- MEN:- Left, right, left...
0:57:22 > 0:57:24Mr Shakespeare, I presume.
0:57:24 > 0:57:28You, my friend, are going straight to he... Aargh!
0:57:28 > 0:57:30- MEN:- Left, right, left, right...
0:57:30 > 0:57:32After him, you fools!
0:57:38 > 0:57:39CLUCKING
0:57:46 > 0:57:48OVERLAPPING CHATTER
0:57:48 > 0:57:51Right! Can everyone please stop arriving?
0:58:08 > 0:58:11- Where's the money? - Where's Shakespeare?
0:58:13 > 0:58:16He's...tied up. I'm...his agent.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24Play first.
0:58:37 > 0:58:40What the hell's this?
0:58:40 > 0:58:42Your change, sir.
0:58:43 > 0:58:44SQUELCH
0:58:44 > 0:58:45Urgh! Aargh!
0:58:45 > 0:58:48A pleasure doing business with you.
0:58:48 > 0:58:49Why?
0:58:49 > 0:58:51Er... Cheaper.
0:58:54 > 0:58:55MARLOWE GASPS
0:58:55 > 0:58:58- King Philip II of Spain. - Sssh.
0:58:58 > 0:59:01MARLOWE GROANS It's a secret, you see.
0:59:02 > 0:59:04This play you have kindly provided me with...
0:59:05 > 0:59:09..I'm going to use it to kill the Queen.
0:59:11 > 0:59:13A Catholic plot. You fiend!
0:59:13 > 0:59:15Don't be like that.
0:59:15 > 0:59:17Oh, don't take it out. Don't take it out.
0:59:17 > 0:59:20It won't hurt if I do it quickly. It's a bit like erm...
0:59:20 > 0:59:22Do you do your eyebrows?
0:59:22 > 0:59:24- No.- OK. Well, it's a little bit like that.
0:59:24 > 0:59:26Aargh!
0:59:26 > 0:59:28LAUGHTER
0:59:31 > 0:59:32Bill...
0:59:41 > 0:59:43Chris, I'm going to kill you! MARLOWE GROANS
0:59:45 > 0:59:47Join the club, mate.
0:59:47 > 0:59:50- Oh, my God.- No, it's a scratch. It's just a scratch.
0:59:50 > 0:59:53It's nothing.
0:59:53 > 0:59:55Actually, that is quite bad, isn't it?
0:59:59 > 1:00:00Chris?
1:00:02 > 1:00:04I betrayed you.
1:00:04 > 1:00:07I needed the play, the money.
1:00:07 > 1:00:10- I'm in terrible debt. - This was over a debt?
1:00:10 > 1:00:13No, no. This was... Catholics.
1:00:13 > 1:00:15- Catholics? - Croydon's company.
1:00:15 > 1:00:18- They're Spanish agents. - The Cockney Players?
1:00:18 > 1:00:19- But they're from Bow. - No.
1:00:19 > 1:00:23Mark me, they plan to use our play to somehow kill the Queen.
1:00:24 > 1:00:26You must go to the pie stall in the marketplace.
1:00:28 > 1:00:30Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
1:00:30 > 1:00:32Oh, sorry. Did you want that?
1:00:32 > 1:00:34Want it? He isn't dead.
1:00:34 > 1:00:37Well, not quite. But I knock off in five, and realistically...
1:00:37 > 1:00:38Go away!
1:00:44 > 1:00:47Right, you see her? Well, your mum...
1:00:47 > 1:00:51- For God's sake, not now, Chris. - Yes, yes, the plot.
1:00:51 > 1:00:53You must find Walsingham.
1:00:53 > 1:00:57Go to the pie stall in the marketplace and say these code words.
1:00:57 > 1:01:01Saying things in a short, snappy way...soul of wit.
1:01:03 > 1:01:05You mean "brevity".
1:01:05 > 1:01:07Er... Yeah.
1:01:07 > 1:01:09But say it my way.
1:01:09 > 1:01:12And Walsingham will deal with the Spanish.
1:01:14 > 1:01:16Avenge me, my friend...
1:01:16 > 1:01:18for now I go...and it is done.
1:01:20 > 1:01:22The bell invites me.
1:01:28 > 1:01:30One more thing.
1:01:30 > 1:01:34The...the script I gave them, it's...
1:01:37 > 1:01:39It...
1:01:44 > 1:01:47So wise, so young...
1:01:47 > 1:01:49..they say do never live long.
1:01:56 > 1:01:58Seriously?
1:02:00 > 1:02:04Well, Your Majesty, we have our play.
1:02:05 > 1:02:06Cheers.
1:02:06 > 1:02:08We'll stop for nibbles.
1:02:09 > 1:02:11Yes, I don't want to worry you,
1:02:11 > 1:02:13but this reads a lot like a Russian loan agreement.
1:02:15 > 1:02:17Why, that double-crossing little...
1:02:17 > 1:02:19Furs!
1:02:19 > 1:02:22Get your lovely furs!
1:02:23 > 1:02:26High fashion furs!
1:02:27 > 1:02:29High fashion...
1:02:32 > 1:02:34Saying things in a short, snappy way inst...
1:02:37 > 1:02:39- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.
1:02:42 > 1:02:44King Philip II of Spain.
1:02:44 > 1:02:46HE GROANS
1:02:47 > 1:02:50- Where is the play? - I don't know.
1:02:50 > 1:02:52You'd better tell me...
1:02:52 > 1:02:56or I will let Lope here loose with his device.
1:02:56 > 1:02:59You don't want to know where this bit goes.
1:02:59 > 1:03:02So, you'd better tell me...
1:03:02 > 1:03:06- In your bum. - Don't actually say it.
1:03:06 > 1:03:10Why are you saying it? It's more dramatic if you don't say it. I... What?
1:03:10 > 1:03:11OK.
1:03:11 > 1:03:13Listen, as far as I knew, you had the play.
1:03:13 > 1:03:17- I don't know where he's put it. - Then you will write me a new play.
1:03:18 > 1:03:21Without Chris, that's impossible.
1:03:21 > 1:03:24Nothing is impossible, Mr Shakespeare.
1:03:24 > 1:03:26Given the proper motivation.
1:03:32 > 1:03:34- Anne. - That's right.
1:03:34 > 1:03:36We have Jan.
1:03:36 > 1:03:38It's Anne.
1:03:38 > 1:03:40Is it? Oh.
1:03:40 > 1:03:43- Why? - Because the Queen needs a play
1:03:43 > 1:03:46and I'm not about to let her down.
1:03:46 > 1:03:48But he's going to kill the Queen, you idiot!
1:03:48 > 1:03:52I think you mean surprise the Queen.
1:03:52 > 1:03:54HE CHUCKLES
1:03:54 > 1:03:57- Right? - Well, it's kind of a surprise.
1:03:59 > 1:04:01Oh!
1:04:02 > 1:04:04Oh, you villainous snake.
1:04:05 > 1:04:07As a loyal peer and patriot,
1:04:07 > 1:04:10I would never betray the sovereign power.
1:04:10 > 1:04:13- You still get Devon. - Very much back on board.
1:04:13 > 1:04:15So, you write me a new play...
1:04:16 > 1:04:19..otherwise, it's, "Adios, senora."
1:04:21 > 1:04:23- It's...? - It's Spanish for "Goodbye, lady."
1:04:23 > 1:04:25It means I'm going to kill her.
1:04:35 > 1:04:38Look, you wrote play before. Write it again.
1:04:38 > 1:04:39I thought you were playwright.
1:04:39 > 1:04:41Well, you thought wrong.
1:04:43 > 1:04:45I can't do this, not on my own.
1:04:45 > 1:04:47I hope that is not true. For your sake.
1:04:50 > 1:04:52DOOR CLOSES
1:04:52 > 1:04:54EXHALING
1:04:57 > 1:04:59Bill.
1:04:59 > 1:05:00What art thou?
1:05:00 > 1:05:03By heaven I charge thee, speak.
1:05:05 > 1:05:06Hello.
1:05:06 > 1:05:08Erm... Hello.
1:05:09 > 1:05:10You're not here.
1:05:10 > 1:05:13You're just a tired mind playing tricks.
1:05:13 > 1:05:17I'm a friend when you need one. Question not my coming.
1:05:17 > 1:05:21So you've come to help me? With the play?
1:05:21 > 1:05:23LAUGHS
1:05:24 > 1:05:27I can no more lift a quill than I can tip this cup.
1:05:29 > 1:05:30CUP CLATTERS
1:05:30 > 1:05:32That was a coincidence.
1:05:32 > 1:05:34The point is, I cannot give you help.
1:05:35 > 1:05:37You don't need it.
1:05:38 > 1:05:40I've got nothing here.
1:05:42 > 1:05:44No characters, no story.
1:05:44 > 1:05:48No story? No story in the time we've shared?
1:05:49 > 1:05:52Of the hand that fate has dealt you these days past?
1:05:53 > 1:05:59Tales of betrayal, plotting kings, the death of a friend.
1:06:00 > 1:06:03Such twists and turns as would shame any fiction.
1:06:08 > 1:06:10Write what you know.
1:06:14 > 1:06:16I can do this.
1:06:18 > 1:06:20I can do this.
1:06:21 > 1:06:24No, no, no. Wait, wait. That's just the story.
1:06:24 > 1:06:25What of the words?
1:07:10 > 1:07:12HE SNIFFLES
1:07:14 > 1:07:16It's a hit.
1:07:17 > 1:07:19A palpable hit.
1:07:20 > 1:07:23So my wife can go.
1:07:23 > 1:07:26But you haven't finished yet. I have some notes.
1:07:27 > 1:07:29Number one, we lose this.
1:07:29 > 1:07:31It's your play now.
1:07:31 > 1:07:35And number two, the end could be a little more...
1:07:35 > 1:07:37How shall I say?
1:07:39 > 1:07:40Explosive.
1:07:40 > 1:07:42- OTHERS:- Hooray!
1:07:42 > 1:07:44Sssh.
1:07:44 > 1:07:46- WHISPER:- Hooray.
1:07:46 > 1:07:48Hm.
1:07:48 > 1:07:51Gather round. So, here's the plan.
1:07:51 > 1:07:55You will stack the gunpowder behind the stage during the first act.
1:07:55 > 1:07:58Juan will then light the fuse when he hears Ramon,
1:07:58 > 1:08:00who plays witch number three, say the line,
1:08:00 > 1:08:02Thou shalt be king hereafter.
1:08:02 > 1:08:04Hope you like bombs.
1:08:04 > 1:08:05I shall then make my excuses
1:08:05 > 1:08:07and sneak out while you exit through the kitchen.
1:08:07 > 1:08:09Gotta go now. Bye.
1:08:09 > 1:08:12And Mr Shakespeare will be coming with us
1:08:12 > 1:08:15to witness the final act in his little drama,
1:08:15 > 1:08:18where we will quite literally bring the house down.
1:08:18 > 1:08:20KING PHILIP LAUGHS
1:08:20 > 1:08:22Come on. It's a theatre joke.
1:08:23 > 1:08:27Gentlemen, to the palace!
1:08:27 > 1:08:29OK. Left a bit, John.
1:08:29 > 1:08:31Left. My left!
1:08:31 > 1:08:34Right. And let it go.
1:08:38 > 1:08:39Gemma!
1:08:39 > 1:08:42Big day today, obviously.
1:08:42 > 1:08:46Security level has been set at dark woad,
1:08:46 > 1:08:48which I believe is this one?
1:08:50 > 1:08:53Erm... Hello? Excuse me?
1:08:53 > 1:08:54Where are you going?
1:08:54 > 1:08:58- COCKNEY ACCENT:- We're the Cockney Players of Bow, me old plate.
1:08:58 > 1:09:00- Yeah. - The actors, yes.
1:09:00 > 1:09:03Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. I used to do a turn myself.
1:09:03 > 1:09:06I don't know if you've ever heard of The Sticky Players?
1:09:06 > 1:09:08Oh... Magic days.
1:09:08 > 1:09:11Anyway, just follow the path and you'll get to the front gate.
1:09:11 > 1:09:14Hang on. What are those barrels about?
1:09:15 > 1:09:16ALL: Er...
1:09:16 > 1:09:19Well, there's a Cockney song, in't there, mate,
1:09:19 > 1:09:21where we roll 'em out?
1:09:24 > 1:09:27- # Roll out the barrels, mate - OTHERS JOIN IN
1:09:27 > 1:09:31- MUFFLED CRIES - # We'll give you some barrels of fun
1:09:31 > 1:09:33- Yeah, mate. - # Where's he coming from? #
1:09:36 > 1:09:38Very good. Well, off you trot, then.
1:09:40 > 1:09:42HORSE WHINNIES
1:09:42 > 1:09:44MUFFLED CRIES
1:09:44 > 1:09:46Cheeky.
1:09:46 > 1:09:48Right, drapes. Gemma!
1:09:48 > 1:09:50FANFARE
1:09:58 > 1:09:59Classic.
1:09:59 > 1:10:01King Philip II of Spain.
1:10:01 > 1:10:04- COURTIERS: King Philip II of Spain.- ..Spain.
1:10:04 > 1:10:05Sorry.
1:10:05 > 1:10:09Her most excellent Majesty...
1:10:09 > 1:10:12by the grace of God, Elizabeth...
1:10:14 > 1:10:16..Queen of England...
1:10:16 > 1:10:19..France and Ireland.
1:10:21 > 1:10:24Defender of the Faith.
1:10:26 > 1:10:30- Most improved monarch '92 to... - Let's assume he knows who I am.
1:10:35 > 1:10:38Your Majesty, it is a very great honour to be
1:10:38 > 1:10:40invited to your fine country,
1:10:40 > 1:10:43which I just got to this morning.
1:10:43 > 1:10:46I came straight here. No funny business.
1:10:46 > 1:10:48Whoa! Talk about boat-lagged.
1:10:48 > 1:10:49Philip.
1:10:49 > 1:10:53It is our greatest hope that this summit shall pave the way
1:10:53 > 1:10:59to lasting peace between our two great nations.
1:10:59 > 1:11:01Right, come on, let's get this over with.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11MIMICS EXPLOSION
1:11:13 > 1:11:18First we eat, and before you ask, the soup's served hot.
1:11:18 > 1:11:19Ah, come off it.
1:11:19 > 1:11:21Then we watch Crawley's new play
1:11:21 > 1:11:27and finally we discuss the release of Hawkins.
1:11:27 > 1:11:29Who?
1:11:29 > 1:11:31Hello!
1:11:31 > 1:11:33Oh, yes, him, the reason I'm here. Ha-ha!
1:11:33 > 1:11:35Mind like a gauze. It's terrible.
1:11:36 > 1:11:38Yeah, that's him.
1:11:38 > 1:11:41Oh. And one of 'em said something about a pie stall.
1:11:50 > 1:11:52- AS A WOMAN:- What about the voice?
1:11:52 > 1:11:55Is it convincing?
1:11:55 > 1:11:57Gabriel... I don't care.
1:11:58 > 1:12:00LAUGHTER
1:12:03 > 1:12:06You then chop up the tomatoes, you cook the onions, but then you leave it a bit...
1:12:08 > 1:12:09OK.
1:12:12 > 1:12:15Burghley. I like what you've done with this. Huh?
1:12:15 > 1:12:17Two beards in one. Very nice.
1:12:17 > 1:12:18HE CHUCKLES
1:12:21 > 1:12:24Whoa. Better make it a good one.
1:12:24 > 1:12:26The wife's in.
1:12:26 > 1:12:31Oh! Didn't I mention? It seems Devon comes with a duchess.
1:12:31 > 1:12:33HE SNIGGERS
1:12:33 > 1:12:36Well, he may be a crazed religious extremist,
1:12:36 > 1:12:38but this Shakespeare is smart.
1:12:39 > 1:12:41And a truly smart man knows...
1:12:46 > 1:12:48..you hide in plain sight!
1:12:56 > 1:12:58Ladies and gentlemen...
1:12:59 > 1:13:01..Your Majesties,
1:13:01 > 1:13:04I'm delighted to present for your entertainment
1:13:04 > 1:13:06a new tragedy...
1:13:06 > 1:13:09comedy/drama/history play,
1:13:09 > 1:13:13written by and co-starring the Earl of Croydon.
1:13:13 > 1:13:17That's me. Croydon.
1:13:17 > 1:13:19FANFARE
1:13:34 > 1:13:36Oh, for a muse of fire...
1:13:37 > 1:13:41..that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention,
1:13:41 > 1:13:45a kingdom for a stage, princes to act
1:13:45 > 1:13:49and monarchs to behold this swelling scene.
1:13:50 > 1:13:52SQUEAKING
1:14:00 > 1:14:02APPLAUSE
1:14:04 > 1:14:06Did you see? Did you see?
1:14:06 > 1:14:08I was just... They were...
1:14:12 > 1:14:13PLAY CONTINUES
1:14:18 > 1:14:20I am so going to hell.
1:14:27 > 1:14:29Evening.
1:14:32 > 1:14:35- You set me free. - No, you set me free.
1:14:36 > 1:14:38Let's go.
1:14:40 > 1:14:41BOTH: Where are you going?
1:14:41 > 1:14:43We have to save Anne, stop the plot.
1:14:43 > 1:14:46- Are you crazy in the coconut? - What's a coconut?
1:14:46 > 1:14:49Well, my Catholic friends,
1:14:49 > 1:14:52you have led me a merry dance.
1:14:53 > 1:14:57But now it would seem that I have the upper hand!
1:14:57 > 1:14:58SHOUTING
1:15:00 > 1:15:03Aaargh!
1:15:03 > 1:15:06- I won't leave her, not again. - Well, then, you are on your own.
1:15:08 > 1:15:09May God be with you, my friend.
1:15:15 > 1:15:18'Tis... enough.
1:15:18 > 1:15:19GASPS OF SHOCK
1:15:21 > 1:15:22Bit of a rewrite.
1:15:24 > 1:15:26"A Play for Her Majesty"?
1:15:29 > 1:15:31Ha!
1:15:34 > 1:15:36Hark.
1:15:36 > 1:15:39By the pricking of my thumbs,
1:15:39 > 1:15:43oh, something wicked this way comes.
1:15:43 > 1:15:45SCREECHING AND CACKLING
1:15:45 > 1:15:47Witches...
1:15:47 > 1:15:48Witches! OK.
1:15:48 > 1:15:50Scared.
1:15:50 > 1:15:55How now, you secret, black and midnight hags.
1:15:57 > 1:16:01Hail to thee, the Thane of Glamis.
1:16:01 > 1:16:05Hail to thee, the Thane of Cawdor.
1:16:05 > 1:16:08Hail to thee, for thou shalt be king.
1:16:08 > 1:16:10BOOM
1:16:10 > 1:16:12CRIES OF SURPRISE
1:16:12 > 1:16:15- Mark me. - What the hell?
1:16:15 > 1:16:17- What the hell? - What the hell?
1:16:17 > 1:16:19I could a tale unfold
1:16:19 > 1:16:23whose lightest word would harrow up thy soul,
1:16:23 > 1:16:30freeze thy blood, make thine eyes like stars start from their spheres.
1:16:30 > 1:16:34A foul and most unnatural murder.
1:16:34 > 1:16:36Marlowe?
1:16:36 > 1:16:39That I now avenge!
1:16:39 > 1:16:40- WALSINGHAM:- Shakespeare!
1:16:40 > 1:16:42- That's him! - GASPS OF SURPRISE
1:16:42 > 1:16:44- Ooh. A cameo. - The Catholic's mine!
1:16:46 > 1:16:48Listen, you've got the wrong man!
1:16:48 > 1:16:50That's what a Catholic traitor would say.
1:16:52 > 1:16:57This is what's known as breaking the fourth wall.
1:16:57 > 1:16:59Ooh!
1:16:59 > 1:17:00Sword fight?
1:17:00 > 1:17:02Sword fight, sword fight...
1:17:16 > 1:17:18CRIES OF SHOCK
1:17:20 > 1:17:24PROLONGED SCREAM
1:17:29 > 1:17:32Wait! He's not the Catholic.
1:17:34 > 1:17:36We are the Catholics.
1:17:36 > 1:17:40- GASPS OF SHOCK - Me amigos, plan J.
1:17:40 > 1:17:42SHOUTING
1:17:47 > 1:17:48MOUTHS
1:17:57 > 1:17:59Actually, you know what?
1:17:59 > 1:18:02I've gotta go to the little kings' room.
1:18:02 > 1:18:04OK. Excuse me.
1:18:04 > 1:18:07It's seafood. King coming through. Make a hole.
1:18:07 > 1:18:08Goodbye, Queen.
1:18:08 > 1:18:10Yeah.
1:18:12 > 1:18:14- SERGEANT:- Come on, there's another one...
1:18:19 > 1:18:23Oh, villain, villain,
1:18:23 > 1:18:26smiling, damned villain.
1:18:28 > 1:18:30Uh...
1:18:32 > 1:18:34All the world's a stage...
1:18:37 > 1:18:40..and all the men...and women...
1:18:42 > 1:18:43..merely players.
1:18:43 > 1:18:47They have their exits and entrances...
1:18:49 > 1:18:52..and one man in his time plays many pads.
1:18:52 > 1:18:55Take this man.
1:18:55 > 1:18:59Hath he not played the part of Patron?
1:18:59 > 1:19:00Patriot?
1:19:00 > 1:19:02Traitor?
1:19:02 > 1:19:04Thief!
1:19:04 > 1:19:07Who would rob a scribe of his words...
1:19:08 > 1:19:10..a man of his wife...
1:19:10 > 1:19:13..a land...of its queen!
1:19:13 > 1:19:16GASPS OF SHOCK
1:19:16 > 1:19:19Your Majesty, hell is empty.
1:19:20 > 1:19:23All the devils are here.
1:19:23 > 1:19:25Aren't they, Phil?
1:19:25 > 1:19:27SHOCKED MURMURING
1:19:29 > 1:19:31Ah... HE CHUCKLES
1:19:33 > 1:19:35Ha-ha-ha.
1:19:35 > 1:19:37You think you're so clever, don't you? Hm?
1:19:37 > 1:19:40With your hair and your face.
1:19:41 > 1:19:45Well, this changes nothing.
1:19:45 > 1:19:48We may leave now this damp, fetid bog of a country.
1:19:48 > 1:19:49- MAN:- All right, mate.
1:19:49 > 1:19:51But know this.
1:19:53 > 1:19:55I will return,
1:19:55 > 1:19:58and my revenge...will have no bounds.
1:19:59 > 1:20:02I shall do such things.
1:20:02 > 1:20:04What they are yet, I know not.
1:20:05 > 1:20:09But they shall be the terrors of the earth.
1:20:14 > 1:20:16And we're going to bring an horse.
1:20:16 > 1:20:18But it's not a normal horse. Oh, no.
1:20:18 > 1:20:21It's a ginormous horse and it will confuse you.
1:20:21 > 1:20:24- But that's the point of the horse. - What is wrong with you?
1:20:24 > 1:20:26What is actually wrong with you? You are broken in the head.
1:20:26 > 1:20:28It is not a real horse!
1:20:28 > 1:20:30- It is not a real horse? - It is not a real horse.
1:20:30 > 1:20:32- What is it? - It is a wooden horse.
1:20:32 > 1:20:33PHILIP: What is so hard to...
1:20:38 > 1:20:40I arrest thee of capital treason
1:20:40 > 1:20:43against the Queen and crown, Crawley.
1:20:43 > 1:20:46It's not Crawley. It's...
1:20:47 > 1:20:49Oh, I give up.
1:20:50 > 1:20:53A head filled with such fine words.
1:20:53 > 1:20:55Almost a pity to put a spike up it.
1:20:55 > 1:20:57- He didn't write the play. - GASPS OF SHOCK
1:20:59 > 1:21:03- Your Majesty. - Then who did...girl?
1:21:03 > 1:21:05Bill.
1:21:05 > 1:21:07William Shakespeare.
1:21:08 > 1:21:09My husband.
1:21:11 > 1:21:13Well, well, Mr Shakespeare.
1:21:13 > 1:21:16Is there no end to your talents?
1:21:16 > 1:21:22I may unmask these devils, ma'am, yet still I cast myself among them.
1:21:22 > 1:21:24For though I share not the nature of their crimes,
1:21:24 > 1:21:27I too sinned, as a demon might...
1:21:29 > 1:21:32..when I cast aside an angel.
1:21:34 > 1:21:36Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
1:21:38 > 1:21:42Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
1:21:43 > 1:21:45Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May.
1:21:45 > 1:21:47- And summer's lease... - Stop talking.
1:21:50 > 1:21:51CHEERING
1:21:53 > 1:21:55Mr Shakespeare.
1:22:00 > 1:22:02You may kiss my hand.
1:22:08 > 1:22:10I may not be long for this world.
1:22:12 > 1:22:15But I am most grateful to see a few more dawns.
1:22:17 > 1:22:18Thank you.
1:22:20 > 1:22:22Southampton!
1:22:22 > 1:22:26- Hello, love. - Is your money room still bulging?
1:22:26 > 1:22:28Oh, it's positively out of hand, darling.
1:22:28 > 1:22:30I've had to knock a wall through.
1:22:30 > 1:22:34Then see to it that this loyal subject finds himself well financed.
1:22:34 > 1:22:36Your Majesty.
1:22:36 > 1:22:40Well, we shall be hearing much more from you, won't we, Shakespeare?
1:22:40 > 1:22:44Yes, Your Majesty. I have a few ideas.
1:22:44 > 1:22:46Excellent.
1:22:46 > 1:22:48Though maybe one at a time, eh? Cos that was a bit dense.
1:22:50 > 1:22:54Well, then... all's well that ends well.
1:22:55 > 1:22:59Time for some music, methinks.
1:22:59 > 1:23:03Ladies and gentlemen...
1:23:03 > 1:23:07I give you Mortal Coil!
1:23:07 > 1:23:09CHEERING
1:23:10 > 1:23:12LIVELY TUNE
1:24:05 > 1:24:07MOUTHS
1:24:22 > 1:24:26It's a full house, Bill. Have you settled on a title?
1:24:26 > 1:24:28How about A Series Of Comedy Errors?
1:24:28 > 1:24:31That's...getting there.
1:24:31 > 1:24:33- Ow.- There.
1:24:34 > 1:24:37- All done. - Well, what do you think?
1:24:40 > 1:24:42Is the world ready for Shakespeare?
1:24:48 > 1:24:50APPLAUSE
1:25:14 > 1:25:16This...
1:25:16 > 1:25:19No, sorry. I still don't get it.
1:25:19 > 1:25:21KING PHILIP SIGHS
1:25:30 > 1:25:32Any last words?
1:25:32 > 1:25:35Yeah. Don't get involved in the arts.
1:25:38 > 1:25:40I thought Ian would have been here, at least.
1:25:50 > 1:25:52Now... No.
1:25:56 > 1:25:58Hello.
1:25:59 > 1:26:01Hello?
1:26:23 > 1:26:25BIRD CAWS
1:26:31 > 1:26:33I'm going in.