Man Up

0:00:31 > 0:00:34MUSIC: Upside Down by Paloma Faith

0:00:42 > 0:00:45# Angels watching over me with smiles upon their face... #

0:00:45 > 0:00:47Evening. Hello. Thank you.

0:00:47 > 0:00:49# ..Cos I have made it through this far

0:00:49 > 0:00:52# In an unforgiving place

0:00:52 > 0:00:54# It feels sometimes this hill's too steep

0:00:54 > 0:00:57# For a girl like me to climb

0:00:57 > 0:00:58# But I must knock

0:00:58 > 0:01:00# Those thoughts right down

0:01:00 > 0:01:02# I do it in my own time

0:01:02 > 0:01:04# I don't care

0:01:04 > 0:01:06# I'm halfway there

0:01:06 > 0:01:07# Nowhere

0:01:07 > 0:01:10# On a road that leads me straight

0:01:10 > 0:01:12# To who knows where?

0:01:12 > 0:01:13# I tell you what

0:01:13 > 0:01:15# I tell you what

0:01:15 > 0:01:16# What I have found

0:01:16 > 0:01:17# What I have found

0:01:17 > 0:01:19# That I'm no fool

0:01:19 > 0:01:20# That I'm no fool

0:01:20 > 0:01:21# I'm just upside down

0:01:21 > 0:01:23# Just upside down

0:01:23 > 0:01:24# Ain't got no cares

0:01:24 > 0:01:25# Ain't got no cares

0:01:25 > 0:01:26# I ain't got no rules

0:01:26 > 0:01:28# Ain't got no rules

0:01:28 > 0:01:29# I think I like

0:01:29 > 0:01:30# I think I like

0:01:30 > 0:01:32# Living upside down

0:01:32 > 0:01:34# Living upside down

0:01:34 > 0:01:37# Watching people scurry by

0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Rushing to and fro

0:01:39 > 0:01:42# Oh, this world is such a crazy place

0:01:42 > 0:01:44# It's all about the go, go, go

0:01:44 > 0:01:47# Sometimes life can taste so sweet

0:01:47 > 0:01:50# When you slow it down

0:01:50 > 0:01:52# You start to see the world a little differently

0:01:52 > 0:01:54# When you turn it upside down

0:01:54 > 0:01:56# I don't care

0:01:56 > 0:01:58# I'm halfway there

0:01:58 > 0:01:59# Nowhere

0:01:59 > 0:02:04# And I'm just soaking up the magic in the air

0:02:04 > 0:02:06# I tell you what

0:02:06 > 0:02:07# I tell you what

0:02:07 > 0:02:08# What I have found... #

0:02:08 > 0:02:10Come on. CHUCKLES

0:02:10 > 0:02:11# That I'm no fool

0:02:11 > 0:02:13# That I'm no fool

0:02:13 > 0:02:14# I'm just upside down

0:02:14 > 0:02:15# Just upside down

0:02:15 > 0:02:16# Ain't got no cares

0:02:16 > 0:02:17# Ain't got no cares

0:02:17 > 0:02:19# I ain't got no rules

0:02:19 > 0:02:20# Ain't got no rules

0:02:20 > 0:02:21# I think I like

0:02:21 > 0:02:23# I think I like

0:02:23 > 0:02:24# Living upside down

0:02:24 > 0:02:26# Living upside down... #

0:02:27 > 0:02:28Hi.

0:02:30 > 0:02:31What?

0:02:31 > 0:02:34Hello, Ryan. I'm Nancy.

0:02:34 > 0:02:36What's this? Why...

0:02:36 > 0:02:39Has it... What's your...

0:02:42 > 0:02:44Hey...

0:02:44 > 0:02:46It's too much, I think.

0:02:47 > 0:02:49That's funny, look at that.

0:02:49 > 0:02:52It's Ryan, right? Isn't it? It's Ryan...

0:02:52 > 0:02:54I mean, not as in Ryan Wright.

0:02:54 > 0:02:56Like, your name's not Ryan Wright.

0:02:56 > 0:02:59Though you could be. You could be Mr Ryan Wright.

0:02:59 > 0:03:02You could be Mr Right. CHUCKLES

0:03:02 > 0:03:05Either way you're the right Ryan for me.

0:03:05 > 0:03:07Oh, my God.

0:03:07 > 0:03:08You can do this.

0:03:09 > 0:03:11You just put yourself out there.

0:03:11 > 0:03:14See what happens.

0:03:14 > 0:03:16Just don't drink too much.

0:03:16 > 0:03:17SCOFFS

0:03:19 > 0:03:21Good. And you're going.

0:03:21 > 0:03:23You're going. You're gone.

0:03:23 > 0:03:24# ..I think I like

0:03:24 > 0:03:26# I think I like

0:03:26 > 0:03:27# Living upside down

0:03:27 > 0:03:29# Living upside down. #

0:03:29 > 0:03:30DOOR CLOSES

0:03:33 > 0:03:34Fuck it.

0:03:41 > 0:03:43JODIE FOSTER: There is a very, very nice beach.

0:03:43 > 0:03:46Terns nest there. It's beautiful.

0:03:46 > 0:03:48ANTHONY HOPKINS: Terns?

0:03:48 > 0:03:50If I help you, Clarice, it will be "turns" with us, too.

0:03:50 > 0:03:53Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things.

0:03:53 > 0:03:58SHE MOUTHS ALONG Not about this case, though - about yourself. Quid pro quo.

0:03:58 > 0:04:00Yes or no?

0:04:01 > 0:04:03KNOCK AT DOOR Yes or no, Clarice?

0:04:03 > 0:04:06Poor little Catherine is waiting... TV OFF

0:04:08 > 0:04:09Hi. Hi.

0:04:09 > 0:04:12Room service. Yes. Right this way.

0:04:14 > 0:04:17Lovely. Yes. Great.

0:04:17 > 0:04:18There, lovely. Hmm...

0:04:18 > 0:04:21OK? So, tell me, Andrew...

0:04:21 > 0:04:23Can I call you Andy? Of course, yeah.

0:04:23 > 0:04:25How is the party going on downstairs?

0:04:25 > 0:04:26Going pretty well, I think. Is it?

0:04:26 > 0:04:30Yeah. Um, you know there's food down there?

0:04:30 > 0:04:31Yeah, I know. I'm just not really

0:04:31 > 0:04:34in the party mood tonight. PHONE RINGS

0:04:34 > 0:04:37Do you have any ketchup, Andy, please? Hello?

0:04:37 > 0:04:38Who's Andy?

0:04:38 > 0:04:40A very nice young man who's just brought me dinner.

0:04:40 > 0:04:42You're not at the party?

0:04:42 > 0:04:45I'm not at THE party but I'm at A party.

0:04:45 > 0:04:48Hannibal and Clarice are here. Not to mention Andy.

0:04:48 > 0:04:49But he's just leaving.

0:04:49 > 0:04:51No, all right. Put him on, please.

0:04:51 > 0:04:54Andy. My sister would like to speak to you.

0:04:56 > 0:04:58Sorry. Thank you.

0:04:58 > 0:05:00CLEARS THROAT Hello?

0:05:00 > 0:05:02Hi, hi, Andy. I'm Elaine. Listen.

0:05:02 > 0:05:06There'll be a dress hanging up somewhere. Can you give it to her?

0:05:06 > 0:05:08Ah, yeah. OK.

0:05:08 > 0:05:10No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no...

0:05:10 > 0:05:12No. No. Andy.

0:05:12 > 0:05:14And tell her to put some make-up on.

0:05:14 > 0:05:16She wants you to put some make-up on. OK. That's enough.

0:05:16 > 0:05:19Andy, do you have a napkin or something, please?

0:05:19 > 0:05:23Look, Elaine, I've been ambushed. Some setup with a guy

0:05:23 > 0:05:27that Katie worked with. Well, excellent. This is good.

0:05:27 > 0:05:30Come on! It's just all so organised and awkward and I can't bear it.

0:05:30 > 0:05:32I know, but how the hell else are you going to meet someone?

0:05:32 > 0:05:35Well, I've met Andy.

0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh, he's leaving. He didn't like that.

0:05:37 > 0:05:39Could you put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on, please, Andy?

0:05:39 > 0:05:41No, don't do it, Andy. Take her with you!

0:05:41 > 0:05:43Ah, you're yelling. DOOR CLOSES

0:05:43 > 0:05:45Look, you've gone all the way there.

0:05:45 > 0:05:48Just put your dress on. Just pop down, show your face.

0:05:48 > 0:05:51Stay, like, ten minutes. The party's themed, Elaine.

0:05:51 > 0:05:54Oh, God, really? Get your notepad.

0:05:54 > 0:05:56No, please. Come on, I'm too old for this shit.

0:05:56 > 0:05:58You're 34, not 84.

0:06:00 > 0:06:03SIGHS Come on, let's hear those mantras.

0:06:03 > 0:06:05CLEARS THROAT

0:06:06 > 0:06:08Put yourself out there. Good.

0:06:08 > 0:06:12Take chances. OK, now a little less hollow and robotic.

0:06:13 > 0:06:15Get stronger thighs.

0:06:17 > 0:06:19CHATTER FROM PARTY

0:06:21 > 0:06:23Be more deviant.

0:06:23 > 0:06:26Learn French. Cook more.

0:06:26 > 0:06:28Understand the Israeli-Palestinian conflict better.

0:06:28 > 0:06:30Engage with...

0:06:30 > 0:06:32LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTER

0:06:34 > 0:06:36..life.

0:06:37 > 0:06:40Finally! Nearly sent out a search party.

0:06:40 > 0:06:41Call them off.

0:06:41 > 0:06:45Here y'are, have a mojito. First one's free. OK, well... All right.

0:06:45 > 0:06:48Paid for them all with my savings and now I have no savings.

0:06:48 > 0:06:50CHUCKLES Aw. Happy engagement.

0:06:50 > 0:06:52I got you, literally, a small present.

0:06:52 > 0:06:56I am so touched that you thought of me when you raided the mini-bar.

0:06:56 > 0:06:57SQUEALS

0:06:57 > 0:06:59Wow. Here she is, here she is.

0:06:59 > 0:07:02Oh, Nancy, you look amazing!

0:07:02 > 0:07:04Cheers. He's gonna love her. Come on.

0:07:04 > 0:07:08I need just a moment longer with my mojito and then I can jump in.

0:07:08 > 0:07:10He hates Facebook. He loves yoga.

0:07:10 > 0:07:12He's really creative... Oh, good, yeah.

0:07:12 > 0:07:16He is perfect for you. I knew you'd say that.

0:07:16 > 0:07:17Oh, come on. All right, all right.

0:07:17 > 0:07:20We were set up and look at us now.

0:07:25 > 0:07:29Dom, it is like your single years have been completely wiped from your memory.

0:07:29 > 0:07:33I mean, do you remember that one girl who just cried?

0:07:33 > 0:07:38She cried all the way through giving you a blow job. She was weeping.

0:07:38 > 0:07:40MIMICS CHOKING AND WEEPING

0:07:41 > 0:07:43CHUCKLES So sad.

0:07:45 > 0:07:47And look at you now.

0:07:47 > 0:07:50And look at you both. Yeah, really special.

0:07:50 > 0:07:54Come on, Nance, give him a chance. Yeah, I will. Bring it on.

0:07:54 > 0:07:58You know, like me, another sad single loser in their mid-30s, right?

0:07:58 > 0:08:01No. I'm actually a sad single loser in my late 30s.

0:08:01 > 0:08:02Hey!

0:08:02 > 0:08:03ALL LAUGH AWKWARDLY

0:08:03 > 0:08:05He was right there.

0:08:07 > 0:08:09I was crying with happiness.

0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh, um... Sorry.

0:08:12 > 0:08:14Ryan. 37.

0:08:14 > 0:08:16Nancy. 34.

0:08:16 > 0:08:18Sorry, my hand's a bit wet. It's not wee.

0:08:18 > 0:08:20Right. It's mojito.

0:08:20 > 0:08:22I mean, I didn't think it was wee.

0:08:22 > 0:08:23Yeah, why would it be wee?

0:08:23 > 0:08:25That would imply very poor personal hygiene.

0:08:25 > 0:08:27I mean, I don't wipe with my hand.

0:08:28 > 0:08:32I use toilet paper just like everyone else does.

0:08:32 > 0:08:34Well, that's a relief. Hm.

0:08:34 > 0:08:38So is wee in a way, if you think about it.

0:08:39 > 0:08:41BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY

0:08:42 > 0:08:44Hm...

0:08:46 > 0:08:48Hm...

0:08:49 > 0:08:52NANCY HUMS QUIETLY

0:08:53 > 0:08:57Oh, how about another drink? Yeah, that would be great. Yeah.

0:09:01 > 0:09:04Let me get these. Oh, no, it's fine.

0:09:04 > 0:09:06No, it's all right. No, no, seriously.

0:09:06 > 0:09:08OK, you can get them. You get them?

0:09:08 > 0:09:12I'll get them, shall I? Great, cheers. Thank you.

0:09:15 > 0:09:18Ah... Busted.

0:09:18 > 0:09:20You've got a picture of your ex in the old wallet.

0:09:20 > 0:09:22Oh, no, that's my sister.

0:09:22 > 0:09:25Oh. She's very pretty.

0:09:25 > 0:09:28I bet she gets all "ze boyz".

0:09:28 > 0:09:30She's dead.

0:09:30 > 0:09:32Wow. It's going so well.

0:09:54 > 0:09:57No, Elaine, I've got pictures of my cats in my wallet

0:09:57 > 0:09:58and they're alive and kicking

0:09:58 > 0:10:00and I want people to ask me about them.

0:10:00 > 0:10:04Well, it's good that you went. Why is it good?

0:10:04 > 0:10:09It's just so excruciating and predictable, just as it always is.

0:10:09 > 0:10:13I'm just gonna let my vagina hermetically seal up.

0:10:13 > 0:10:15Yeah, well, that will really help. Never hurt Barbie.

0:10:15 > 0:10:19MOUTH FULL: She's got a beach buggy and horses and a salon.

0:10:19 > 0:10:21And a boyfriend.

0:10:21 > 0:10:24Is she still with that guy? I mean, such a fake smile.

0:10:24 > 0:10:25LAUGHS

0:10:25 > 0:10:28How long are you gonna be? Get your arse over here pronto.

0:10:28 > 0:10:31We have a lot of nibbles to put into a lot of bowls.

0:10:31 > 0:10:33About two hours.

0:10:33 > 0:10:34PA: Just a reminder to all passengers

0:10:34 > 0:10:36that due to the weekend engineering work,

0:10:36 > 0:10:39no trains are currently stopping at Clapham Junction.

0:10:39 > 0:10:41About seven hours. What the fuck?!

0:10:41 > 0:10:44I'm joking. Not funny.

0:10:44 > 0:10:46I can't do this on my own. Hello.

0:10:46 > 0:10:48And don't forget the chocolate mousse.

0:10:48 > 0:10:50Mum's obsessed. And you've done your speech?

0:10:50 > 0:10:51I've got a rough draft.

0:10:51 > 0:10:54You haven't. You've done a lot of doodles and crossing out.

0:10:54 > 0:10:56I mean, as if. Come on.

0:10:56 > 0:10:58You know Dad loves it when you do a speech.

0:10:58 > 0:11:01So it needs to be good and special. OK?

0:11:01 > 0:11:02Fine.

0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, and Nancy? Yeah?

0:11:04 > 0:11:08Don't seal up just yet. It'll happen. I promise.

0:11:08 > 0:11:10Yeah, yeah. Fuck off.

0:11:16 > 0:11:17Oh.

0:11:18 > 0:11:20Black...

0:11:20 > 0:11:22pant...

0:11:23 > 0:11:24..wash.

0:11:28 > 0:11:30Sorry.

0:11:30 > 0:11:33I couldn't help overhearing.

0:11:33 > 0:11:36You should really think about reading this.

0:11:36 > 0:11:38Right. Right, right, right, right.

0:11:40 > 0:11:42Did it, then? Did it what?

0:11:42 > 0:11:45Change your life. Oh, um...

0:11:45 > 0:11:48Maybe. Yeah. But maybe not, as well?

0:11:48 > 0:11:52Well, I like to give everything a go, because otherwise what's the point?

0:11:52 > 0:11:58You've got to hope it's going to work, haven't you? Because what is life without hope?

0:11:58 > 0:12:00Death. Death it is, then.

0:12:00 > 0:12:03LAUGHS You see, you do need to read it.

0:12:03 > 0:12:06I would lend you my copy but I need it for my date.

0:12:06 > 0:12:10Why do you need a book for a date? It's how we're going to recognise each other.

0:12:10 > 0:12:13Oh, it's a setup? They always work.

0:12:13 > 0:12:17They often work if the matchmaker has done their homework.

0:12:17 > 0:12:20All successful relationships are based on whether you're both outdoorsy types...

0:12:20 > 0:12:22I think you should read it. Don't need to.

0:12:22 > 0:12:24It was an international best-seller. So was The Da Vinci Code.

0:12:24 > 0:12:27Another excellent book. Not an excellent book.

0:12:27 > 0:12:30I think it's what you need. Why is everyone always telling me what I need?

0:12:30 > 0:12:32Perhaps if they're always telling you, you should listen.

0:12:32 > 0:12:36I think you need to shh. You need to shh your mouth.

0:12:36 > 0:12:39You want me to shh? I do, yeah. It would be great.

0:12:39 > 0:12:41I'm only suggest... It's time.

0:12:41 > 0:12:43I think... I think we're done.

0:12:46 > 0:12:48PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

0:12:48 > 0:12:51we are now arriving at our final destination, London Waterloo.

0:13:13 > 0:13:17Sorry. Excuse me. I say.

0:13:19 > 0:13:21Ow. Shit.

0:13:34 > 0:13:37NANCY GROANS

0:13:37 > 0:13:39BARRIER BEEPS

0:13:39 > 0:13:41What? BARRIER BEEPS

0:13:46 > 0:13:47Cheers.

0:14:12 > 0:14:15Where the fuck are you? Blimey, I'm not that late, am I?

0:14:15 > 0:14:17Sorry, somebody threw themselves on the track again.

0:14:17 > 0:14:20I don't blame them, there's so many delays. LAUGHS

0:14:20 > 0:14:23Hey, what a great way for us to recognise each other. What a great idea.

0:14:23 > 0:14:27Although I think it would have been hard to miss you underneath that huge clock.

0:14:27 > 0:14:28Oh, no, no, no. I...

0:14:28 > 0:14:31What do we do in terms of saying hello? I never know where to pitch it.

0:14:31 > 0:14:33Is it a handshake? Is it a hug? Is it formal?

0:14:33 > 0:14:36You know what, we're adults. Let's just go in... Too soon for that?

0:14:36 > 0:14:38Hello, there. PHONE RINGS

0:14:38 > 0:14:41Oh, my God, that's not your emergency exit phone call already?

0:14:41 > 0:14:45I haven't had a chance to use any of my best lines yet.

0:14:45 > 0:14:47That wasn't one of them, if you were worried.

0:14:47 > 0:14:48Listen, I'll handle this, madam.

0:14:48 > 0:14:51Hello, caller. Yes, we have met.

0:14:51 > 0:14:54I am not a complete psychopath and we've really hit it off.

0:14:54 > 0:14:56She will call you later with all the gory details.

0:14:56 > 0:14:59So thank you for calling and goodbye. There, done.

0:14:59 > 0:15:03All right! So, book, check. And clock, check.

0:15:03 > 0:15:06And blind date. Check!

0:15:09 > 0:15:14Usually in this situation, I would say something and you'd say something back.

0:15:14 > 0:15:17And then we'd talk about what we're gonna do and exchange ideas.

0:15:17 > 0:15:19You know, sort of "quid pro quo, Clarice."

0:15:21 > 0:15:22HE LAUGHS

0:15:22 > 0:15:26In hindsight, that wasn't the best impression to do on a first date

0:15:26 > 0:15:30because it... it brings to mind... Anyway, I'm talking a lot

0:15:30 > 0:15:32and I know you can sense it. So I'm gonna just keep going with it

0:15:32 > 0:15:34and I'm gonna start the bidding

0:15:34 > 0:15:37with a drink on London's fashionable South Bank.

0:15:37 > 0:15:40So, as the book says, what are you waiting for?

0:15:44 > 0:15:48I am waiting for you.

0:15:48 > 0:15:50Good. Good. Yeah.

0:15:50 > 0:15:54OK. Shall we...? After you, my lady.

0:15:54 > 0:15:56I'm not a knight. SHE CHUCKLES

0:15:56 > 0:15:58Yeah, let's do it. We'll go out this way...

0:16:08 > 0:16:11What do you think? Good stuff for the first few hours?

0:16:11 > 0:16:13Descending in quality as we do.

0:16:13 > 0:16:16I'd go quality and quantity, Bert. It's a massive night.

0:16:16 > 0:16:19You're right. We bloody deserve it.

0:16:19 > 0:16:21Let's go mental.

0:16:21 > 0:16:25Seriously, you do deserve it. I mean, I don't know how you've done it.

0:16:25 > 0:16:28Not that I don't intend to go the whole distance myself, obviously.

0:16:28 > 0:16:32I think the trick is, get through the first 30, 40 years,

0:16:32 > 0:16:35then just kind of give up. From that point on, it's a breeze.

0:16:35 > 0:16:37No, I mean it. How are we getting on?

0:16:37 > 0:16:39We are nailing it. That's great.

0:16:39 > 0:16:42You can put about half those lagers back, Adam.

0:16:42 > 0:16:44What did Nancy say, what does she want to drink?

0:16:44 > 0:16:46I'm not sure if she's... BERT: She wants vodka.

0:16:46 > 0:16:49The only spirit she can out-drink me on. We'll see about that later.

0:16:49 > 0:16:51No, we won't.

0:16:51 > 0:16:54Guys, she didn't even answer the phone. Some man did. I think she's on a date.

0:16:54 > 0:16:57The man from last night? I thought that didn't work out.

0:16:57 > 0:16:59It didn't. It was a disaster.

0:16:59 > 0:17:01He was in love with his sister. Who answered the phone, then?

0:17:01 > 0:17:04Dad, I don't know. He said he wasn't a psychopath.

0:17:04 > 0:17:06Well, that sounds encouraging.

0:17:06 > 0:17:09We're having a party. She's on a date. I'm thinking she's gonna bring him.

0:17:09 > 0:17:11Bert! If he's not a psychopath.

0:17:11 > 0:17:14Did he sound like a wine drinker or more of a beer man?

0:17:14 > 0:17:15Bert!

0:17:15 > 0:17:18What? I'm just getting some more wine. Course you are.

0:17:18 > 0:17:20The good host is prepared for all eventualities.

0:17:20 > 0:17:22Come on, Pattersons, clock's ticking.

0:17:22 > 0:17:25Fran, you walk straight past that offer.

0:17:25 > 0:17:29So, what's going on? Is Nancy OK?

0:17:29 > 0:17:32Yes. Yes, Mum, she's fine. She's just...

0:17:32 > 0:17:34He's really looking forward to her speech. I know.

0:17:34 > 0:17:38So she is coming? Yes, of course she's coming.

0:17:38 > 0:17:43Look, do you want me to write a few words? You know, just in case.

0:17:43 > 0:17:45Not really, darling, no.

0:17:45 > 0:17:48Oh, God. That is horrible.

0:17:48 > 0:17:49I'm sorry.

0:17:49 > 0:17:53I'll give her a call, then. Yes, please do, darling. OK.

0:18:07 > 0:18:10HE BREATHES DEEPLY

0:18:10 > 0:18:12You OK? You seem a bit freaked out. Do I?

0:18:12 > 0:18:13Yeah. PHONE RINGS

0:18:13 > 0:18:16Gosh. Sorry, just a bit of a first-date no-no...

0:18:16 > 0:18:19HIS PHONE RINGS Oh, my God, that's embarrassing.

0:18:19 > 0:18:21Oh, it's Tom. Oh.

0:18:21 > 0:18:23Hey, buddy.

0:18:23 > 0:18:26Yeah, I'm here. I'm with Jessica.

0:18:26 > 0:18:28Yeah, we're on the South Bank.

0:18:28 > 0:18:31Yeah, d'you wanna speak to her? All right.

0:18:33 > 0:18:34We will.

0:18:35 > 0:18:39Yeah. OK, Tom. Yeah, I'm gonna hang up now.

0:18:39 > 0:18:41Yeah, OK. Bye. Bye.

0:18:42 > 0:18:45He thought we hadn't met up. As if.

0:18:45 > 0:18:49Shall we switch these things off? Yeah. OK, cool. OK, good.

0:18:49 > 0:18:51Right. So, Jessica.

0:18:51 > 0:18:53So...

0:18:53 > 0:18:56Tom says that you work in the City. I do, yeah. That's what I do.

0:18:56 > 0:18:59Is that a stressful job? Ah, no.

0:18:59 > 0:19:01"Lunch is for wimps." BOTH LAUGH

0:19:01 > 0:19:02Sorry.

0:19:02 > 0:19:04No, no, it's from Wall Street. Yeah.

0:19:04 > 0:19:08"If you need a friend, get a dog." I love that movie.

0:19:08 > 0:19:10You do? Yeah, it's one of my favourites.

0:19:10 > 0:19:13And you are a...? I'm an online marketing manager.

0:19:13 > 0:19:16I love online marketing managing.

0:19:17 > 0:19:20What I really wanna do is paint.

0:19:20 > 0:19:22I don't wanna be an online marketing manager forever

0:19:22 > 0:19:25because, you know, the bots are taking over!

0:19:25 > 0:19:29They're gonna be managing all the marketing in the future.

0:19:29 > 0:19:33It's like "help". Exactly, yeah. Um...

0:19:33 > 0:19:35I'm a bit nervous, to be honest. Really?

0:19:35 > 0:19:40Yeah. A little bit. Just a little bit. I'm not used to all this sort of dating chat.

0:19:40 > 0:19:44Although, you know, I had a few reservations about today,

0:19:44 > 0:19:47but I just thought, "You know what, Jack? I trust Tom."

0:19:47 > 0:19:52Jack. He's not gonna set me up with somebody who I've nothing in common with.

0:19:52 > 0:19:54And he's a good friend, right? Who, Tom?

0:19:54 > 0:19:56Yeah. Yeah, I'd take a bullet for him.

0:19:56 > 0:19:59Yeah. So, shall we get a beer or something?

0:19:59 > 0:20:02There's one of those pop-up bars. Sure, that'll be great.

0:20:02 > 0:20:05They appear out of nowhere, then they're gone the next day.

0:20:05 > 0:20:08You think, this can't be our favourite place because it'll be gone in the morning.

0:20:08 > 0:20:11Can we get two Red Stripes? That'd be great.

0:20:11 > 0:20:13So... So...

0:20:13 > 0:20:16Where are you on the old, you know, the relationship...

0:20:16 > 0:20:18the spectrum of relationships?

0:20:18 > 0:20:22It's my mime for relationships. That's good. Right.

0:20:22 > 0:20:25Well, I guess long-term-wise, it's...

0:20:25 > 0:20:27It's been a while.

0:20:27 > 0:20:29Since Pete, right? Since Pete.

0:20:29 > 0:20:31Tom told me. Massive cock.

0:20:31 > 0:20:32Really? Huge.

0:20:32 > 0:20:34It wasn't that big... What he did to you.

0:20:34 > 0:20:35..a deal. Unforgivable.

0:20:35 > 0:20:37I know how it feels. I had it done to me, you know.

0:20:37 > 0:20:40Affairs, eh? Who'd have 'em? Yeah...

0:20:40 > 0:20:41They would. They would.

0:20:41 > 0:20:43The other people would.

0:20:43 > 0:20:46So where are you on the...spectrum?

0:20:46 > 0:20:50On the spectrum? I think recently, I've had a few one-night stands.

0:20:50 > 0:20:53You know, just girls I've met at work

0:20:53 > 0:20:56and in bars and just, like, on the street.

0:20:58 > 0:21:03But this is my first real date really since the D-word.

0:21:03 > 0:21:05Dead sister? Sorry?

0:21:05 > 0:21:08Just something I say before I drink. Dead sister.

0:21:08 > 0:21:09Dead sister.

0:21:09 > 0:21:12But I'm not gonna let a failed marriage put me off relationships for good.

0:21:12 > 0:21:14Divorce.

0:21:14 > 0:21:16You be thankful that you and Pete didn't get hitched.

0:21:16 > 0:21:20It gets a lot more complicated when you have to figure out who gets the flat.

0:21:20 > 0:21:23Winner.

0:21:23 > 0:21:25I did. Yeah.

0:21:25 > 0:21:29I got big home-improvement plans. I'm gonna do up our...my flat.

0:21:29 > 0:21:31Paint the hallways, bleach the sheets.

0:21:31 > 0:21:34Anyway, let's not talk about that. It's just bad juju.

0:21:34 > 0:21:36And I'm so over it. Yeah, you really sound it.

0:21:36 > 0:21:40It's in the past. What does it say in Six Billion People And You?

0:21:40 > 0:21:42F... Fuck the past. Fuck the past, yeah.

0:21:42 > 0:21:46If that book has taught me anything, it's taught me that.

0:21:46 > 0:21:48So, Tom says you're a triathlete.

0:21:49 > 0:21:52Hm-hmm. Do you have to train a lot for that?

0:21:52 > 0:21:54Yeah, I've just got to regularly carb up.

0:21:54 > 0:21:56Ah! Yeah, yeah.

0:21:56 > 0:21:59Go on, then. I don't mind. I've actually worked out today...

0:21:59 > 0:22:02I work out every day. I like to keep fit. I pump iron, sure.

0:22:04 > 0:22:05Whoa! Whoa!

0:22:05 > 0:22:09This is nice, isn't it? I don't envy any of my friends with kids.

0:22:09 > 0:22:11Are they here now? Hell, no.

0:22:11 > 0:22:15They're at home just lying in wait for the next nappy change.

0:22:15 > 0:22:16Not that I don't want kids.

0:22:16 > 0:22:19I'm 40. They're not all gonna be swimming in the right direction forever.

0:22:19 > 0:22:23But just not right now. I should probably get a girlfriend first.

0:22:23 > 0:22:28I definitely want kids. I'm just not freaking out about it yet.

0:22:28 > 0:22:30I mean, why would you? You're 24.

0:22:32 > 0:22:35D'you wanna get out of here? It is fucking freezing

0:22:35 > 0:22:39and I know a really fun place just over the river.

0:22:39 > 0:22:43We can get shots and maybe hang out a bit more if you feel like it.

0:22:43 > 0:22:46Yeah, I'd love that. OK.

0:22:49 > 0:22:53This is gonna be fun. Yeah. What is it?

0:22:53 > 0:22:55It's like a cantina.

0:22:55 > 0:22:57It's a bit cheesy but you can have slammers and...

0:23:01 > 0:23:03Oh, wow. Arriba!

0:23:04 > 0:23:06Hey, man. Hey, man. How's it going?

0:23:06 > 0:23:10Are you a regular here? Well, define "regular". What is it?

0:23:10 > 0:23:12Hi, Jack. Hey, Helen, how's it going?

0:23:12 > 0:23:13Oh, so you...

0:23:13 > 0:23:14Ah! Snap.

0:23:14 > 0:23:16We're swapping, right? Swapping?

0:23:16 > 0:23:20For the genius Six Billion ways to get to know you list that you suggested.

0:23:20 > 0:23:22Is that your one? Mine's at the front. OK...

0:23:22 > 0:23:25SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Hm...

0:23:25 > 0:23:27Let's have a look, shall we? OK, then.

0:23:27 > 0:23:30Shall I read yours first? "Put yourself out there."

0:23:32 > 0:23:33"Take chances."

0:23:34 > 0:23:38"Black pant wash." It's a band.

0:23:38 > 0:23:40Are they new? Yeah, they're new.

0:23:40 > 0:23:43They're... They're fresh. Very young. They're my favourite band.

0:23:43 > 0:23:47Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, they're very, er, funky.

0:23:47 > 0:23:49"Get stronger thighs."

0:23:49 > 0:23:52Hey, this is spooky. I also love spaghetti bolognese.

0:23:52 > 0:23:54What are the chances of that?

0:23:54 > 0:23:57Like none chances. I know. That's the lists done.

0:23:57 > 0:23:59Yeah! And didn't they go well?

0:23:59 > 0:24:01Really great. That was...

0:24:01 > 0:24:03Look, let me get this. No, I should get it.

0:24:03 > 0:24:06Please, let me. OK. I'll get the next ones.

0:24:06 > 0:24:09Oh, my God. Who are they? Who, what?

0:24:09 > 0:24:13These guys. Oh, this is Slash and Axl.

0:24:13 > 0:24:14Oh.

0:24:14 > 0:24:15Paradise Kitties.

0:24:17 > 0:24:20I blew it, sorry. That was no good. Er...

0:24:22 > 0:24:26Jack. I've got a confession to make and I'm just gonna...

0:24:26 > 0:24:28So have I. ..come out with it. You have?

0:24:28 > 0:24:32I have, yeah. Let me go first. I... OK.

0:24:32 > 0:24:35I've never heard of Black Pant Wash.

0:24:35 > 0:24:39I'm sorry. I wanna be honest with you, because honesty is very important...

0:24:39 > 0:24:40Yes, I agree.

0:24:40 > 0:24:43These lists are great and they're a brilliant ice-breaker,

0:24:43 > 0:24:47but you don't really believe that just because we both like spag bol,

0:24:47 > 0:24:49we're gonna wind up together forever, right?

0:24:49 > 0:24:53Depends on the spag bol. Might be a really good spag bol.

0:24:53 > 0:24:57But right now, whatever happens tonight, wherever we end up,

0:24:57 > 0:24:59I'm having a really good time getting to know you.

0:24:59 > 0:25:03And you're being really patient with me, so thank you for that.

0:25:03 > 0:25:05And I don't know why I brought you here.

0:25:05 > 0:25:08It was a stupid idea and I think we should...

0:25:08 > 0:25:11Let's do something different. Let's go someplace else.

0:25:11 > 0:25:14Tom said you liked bowling. I love bowling.

0:25:14 > 0:25:17OK, so shall we have a couple more and then hit the lanes?

0:25:21 > 0:25:22OK.

0:25:24 > 0:25:26MUSIC: Shoot First by The Jim Jones Revue

0:25:32 > 0:25:34# Well, you can live any way you want

0:25:36 > 0:25:40# But you're sure gonna find out soon

0:25:40 > 0:25:42# When profession ain't what you got

0:25:44 > 0:25:48# Soon be singing another tune, hey!

0:25:51 > 0:25:53# Shoot first

0:25:55 > 0:25:57# Ask questions later

0:25:59 > 0:26:01# Shoot first

0:26:03 > 0:26:06# Ask questions later

0:26:06 > 0:26:09# It don't matter who you are

0:26:09 > 0:26:11# What you got or looking for

0:26:11 > 0:26:14# You better get yourself out of the dark

0:26:14 > 0:26:16# Shoot first

0:26:18 > 0:26:20# Ask questions later. #

0:26:26 > 0:26:30Who said blind dates don't work? Right? Am I right? Yeah.

0:26:30 > 0:26:32I'm gonna go get us a drink. OK.

0:26:39 > 0:26:41Nancy? Yeah?

0:26:41 > 0:26:43It's Nancy Patterson.

0:26:43 > 0:26:46Do we know each other? Sean. Sean Bellamy.

0:26:47 > 0:26:51Class 5G, St Andrew's Comprehensive. '88 to '93.

0:26:51 > 0:26:53I sat next to you in chemistry for five years.

0:26:53 > 0:26:55I gave you that Valentine's card in Year 9.

0:26:55 > 0:26:56You tore it up in front of everyone.

0:26:56 > 0:27:00Your mum ran me over that time. Oh, God. Yes, I do remember.

0:27:00 > 0:27:01HE LAUGHS Shh.

0:27:01 > 0:27:03Erm, sorry about that. Oh, God, don't worry.

0:27:03 > 0:27:06Glued it back together. It was only about 57 pieces.

0:27:06 > 0:27:07I meant about the car.

0:27:07 > 0:27:09But you were so... Fat. Yes.

0:27:09 > 0:27:12Yeah. That was me, big fat Sean.

0:27:12 > 0:27:13Lord of the Pies. Emperor Boom-Boom.

0:27:13 > 0:27:16Now you're very... Yeah, I went on the 5:2 diet.

0:27:16 > 0:27:19Five days on chocolate Nesquik. And two days strawberry Nesquik.

0:27:19 > 0:27:22Oh, OK. I lost it all from here and from here.

0:27:22 > 0:27:25But luckily not from here.

0:27:25 > 0:27:28Could I just have two beers, please? Hell, yeah.

0:27:29 > 0:27:32It's Nancy fucking Patterson. LAUGHS

0:27:32 > 0:27:33Shush.

0:27:34 > 0:27:36Wow!

0:27:38 > 0:27:40Hey... Hey.

0:27:40 > 0:27:42These are on me. OK.

0:27:42 > 0:27:44So good to see you.

0:27:44 > 0:27:45Thank you.

0:27:47 > 0:27:49OK, cheers.

0:27:52 > 0:27:55Ah. Flirting with the barman, I see. What? No.

0:27:55 > 0:27:58Not at all, no. I was, like, "Whoa, competition."

0:27:58 > 0:28:01No, I wasn't. I'm the least jealous person you'll meet.

0:28:01 > 0:28:02Oh, God, me, too, yeah.

0:28:02 > 0:28:03So,

0:28:03 > 0:28:05let's ramp this up a bit.

0:28:05 > 0:28:07Not that I'm competitive.

0:28:08 > 0:28:10Nancy.

0:28:10 > 0:28:12Brought you some nachos. On the house.

0:28:12 > 0:28:14I've got a wheat allergy... No, you don't.

0:28:14 > 0:28:15CHUCKLES

0:28:15 > 0:28:18You remember this?

0:28:18 > 0:28:21What is it? Where'd you get that? In my wallet.

0:28:21 > 0:28:23Who took it? I did.

0:28:23 > 0:28:25That's my bedroom. I don't remember you ever being in my bedroom.

0:28:25 > 0:28:28I wasn't in your bedroom, silly. I was outside. In a tree.

0:28:28 > 0:28:31Jessica, watch and weep. OK.

0:28:31 > 0:28:35Why is he calling you Jessica? You're called Nancy.

0:28:35 > 0:28:38You're Nancy Patterson. Sean, I'm in a bit of a situation here.

0:28:38 > 0:28:40SNIFFS Oh, you still use Pantene Pro-V.

0:28:40 > 0:28:43That guy is not my boyfriend. He's actually not even my date.

0:28:43 > 0:28:46I sort of stole him from underneath the clock at Waterloo

0:28:46 > 0:28:49and I'm pretending to be the girl he's supposed to be on a date with.

0:28:49 > 0:28:51So it's a bit... I don't know. Kinky.

0:28:51 > 0:28:53Hey, there.

0:28:53 > 0:28:57How's it going? I'm Jack. And I am Sean.

0:28:57 > 0:28:58He's Sean. There it is.

0:28:58 > 0:29:02So you guys know each other? Not really, we just went to school together.

0:29:02 > 0:29:05Yeah, we're old friends. We're old, old, old friends.

0:29:05 > 0:29:08We used to have a bit of a thing going on.

0:29:08 > 0:29:10Good for you. It was.

0:29:10 > 0:29:12It really wasn't that good.

0:29:12 > 0:29:13You never forget your first.

0:29:13 > 0:29:15Lovely to see you after all these years.

0:29:15 > 0:29:18We'll take it from here. Hang on, Jessica.

0:29:18 > 0:29:21Hey. What are you doing?

0:29:21 > 0:29:24It would appear that I finally have you over a barrel, Nancy Patterson.

0:29:24 > 0:29:28Indeed, you are clearly not the girl you used to be once.

0:29:28 > 0:29:32Cool and confident. Now, stealing other women's dates from under clocks.

0:29:32 > 0:29:35You're working as a barman in a novelty bowling alley so...

0:29:35 > 0:29:37Just as Mr Armstrong predicted. Who's that?

0:29:37 > 0:29:41Our careers advisor at St Andrew's. Do you not remember anything?

0:29:41 > 0:29:44No. Because I remember everything. Nancy!

0:29:44 > 0:29:49Sean, I'm out bowling with a man who...might actually have some potential

0:29:49 > 0:29:52and not in just that he's a really good bowler-type way.

0:29:52 > 0:29:54So don't ruin it for me. All right? Just be cool.

0:29:54 > 0:29:56OK, I will. Yeah?

0:29:56 > 0:30:00Uh-huh. If you give me a blow job. You what?

0:30:00 > 0:30:03Take it or leave it. Are you out of your fucking mind?

0:30:03 > 0:30:06Come on, wouldn't hurt. Just a tiny little blow job.

0:30:06 > 0:30:08SMACKS LIPS

0:30:08 > 0:30:12And then I won't dismantle your web of deceit, Little Miss...Muffet.

0:30:12 > 0:30:16Not gonna give you a blow job, so... Hand job? No. Pearl necklace?

0:30:16 > 0:30:18Sean. Kiss? Please. Come on. Stop. Stop it. Stop it.

0:30:18 > 0:30:20I just want to fulfil a lifelong ambition.

0:30:20 > 0:30:23OK, OK. I'll do one kiss. OK?

0:30:23 > 0:30:25With tongues? No tongues.

0:30:25 > 0:30:27Oh! But in the toilets. Yeah, in the toilets.

0:30:27 > 0:30:29And it has to be tonight.

0:30:29 > 0:30:32Otherwise I won't find you again because you have no online presence.

0:30:32 > 0:30:33Can I go now? Yes.

0:30:33 > 0:30:36But I'll be watching you. I don't doubt that.

0:30:38 > 0:30:41Oh, shit, shit, shit!

0:30:41 > 0:30:43It's fine, they're fine.

0:30:43 > 0:30:46Everyone'll just get drunk and shove them down.

0:30:46 > 0:30:48They will. Yeah?

0:30:48 > 0:30:49Look.

0:30:49 > 0:30:52Ooh, blimey, they're hot. Any word from Nancy?

0:30:52 > 0:30:54Not... Not exactly.

0:30:54 > 0:30:56Oh, no. No, no.

0:30:56 > 0:30:59But in her defence, she does have a very good reason for her tardiness.

0:30:59 > 0:31:01And she's right, Fran.

0:31:01 > 0:31:07And who knows, maybe today will end up being not just our anniversary.

0:31:07 > 0:31:09Imagine that, Mum.

0:31:09 > 0:31:11Oh, my God, who would you worry about then?

0:31:11 > 0:31:13Oh, Bert, you've slobbed.

0:31:13 > 0:31:15What? Where? Christ. What is this now?

0:31:15 > 0:31:17It's hummus.

0:31:17 > 0:31:19Take it off. Off, off, off.

0:31:21 > 0:31:23DOORBELL RINGS Guests.

0:31:23 > 0:31:26Go get 'em, parents. Bert, shift your arse.

0:31:26 > 0:31:27I'm going!

0:31:27 > 0:31:29FRAN: Marion, you made it!

0:31:29 > 0:31:32I feel... I just feel like... I feel hustled.

0:31:32 > 0:31:34Because I won? Are you not used to that?

0:31:34 > 0:31:38I'm not really used to losing at bowling.

0:31:38 > 0:31:40Oh, can't I keep them?

0:31:40 > 0:31:43You honestly think it's the first time he's heard that?

0:31:43 > 0:31:46They're cute. Well, maybe tonight.

0:31:46 > 0:31:48Let's not forget this. Keep you nice and warm.

0:31:51 > 0:31:53Are you saving that for later? What?

0:31:53 > 0:31:56Got a bit of jalapeno in your teeth.

0:31:56 > 0:31:59You've just got a little bit of spinach or something jammed in.

0:31:59 > 0:32:02No, it's still there. It's...

0:32:02 > 0:32:04Oh, my God. It's a good one.

0:32:04 > 0:32:06OK. No, it's not, though, is it?

0:32:06 > 0:32:09No, it's still wedged in. I'm just gonna nip to the ladies.

0:32:09 > 0:32:14I'll just stay here and I'll think about what we can get up to next.

0:32:14 > 0:32:16BOTH LAUGH

0:32:16 > 0:32:18OK...

0:32:18 > 0:32:22I'll just go in there and think about what we can get up to next.

0:32:22 > 0:32:23OK.

0:32:39 > 0:32:40Nice.

0:32:43 > 0:32:45What do you want to get up to next?

0:32:45 > 0:32:48Because I know what I wanna get up to next.

0:32:49 > 0:32:52I saw you were about to leave so I took my break early.

0:32:52 > 0:32:55Fucking hell, Sean! Leaving? I wasn't leav...

0:32:57 > 0:32:58Er, bye.

0:32:58 > 0:33:02Fine. I'll put my clothes back on and have a quick word with Jack about Jessica.

0:33:02 > 0:33:03GROANS

0:33:05 > 0:33:06So,

0:33:06 > 0:33:09where do you wanna land those luscious lips?

0:33:09 > 0:33:10BREATHES HEAVILY

0:33:10 > 0:33:13INHALES, CLEARS THROAT

0:33:13 > 0:33:16OK, we're gonna keep the door open. Now you're talking.

0:33:16 > 0:33:18Right, let's just...

0:33:19 > 0:33:21OK...

0:33:21 > 0:33:24Sean... # Move closer

0:33:25 > 0:33:28# Move your body real close... # I'd prefer you didn't sing that.

0:33:28 > 0:33:29Will you hold my face? Why?

0:33:29 > 0:33:31It'll make it more romantic.

0:33:31 > 0:33:33I don't think this could be any more romantic.

0:33:33 > 0:33:34HE WHINES

0:33:34 > 0:33:36No, we said no tongues. We said no... Hey!

0:33:36 > 0:33:38Jessica?

0:33:38 > 0:33:39Oh, hey, man. Jack.

0:33:39 > 0:33:42You'd been gone a while so I thought I'd come and find you.

0:33:42 > 0:33:45What's happening here is definitely not what you think. I think I'm just gonna leave.

0:33:45 > 0:33:48No, wait. Please, let me explain. Please, you don't have to.

0:33:48 > 0:33:51I thought we had a connection but you still have something for Sean.

0:33:51 > 0:33:53I'm gonna leave you to whatever fucking weird shit...

0:33:53 > 0:33:56Jack, Jack, Jack. Just slide it on down to chills-ville.

0:33:56 > 0:33:59Don't be so harsh on Nancy.

0:33:59 > 0:34:01Who's Nancy? Why is he calling you Nancy?

0:34:01 > 0:34:04Why? It was my other pet name for her.

0:34:04 > 0:34:07After Nancy Reagan. Nancy Sinatra.

0:34:07 > 0:34:08Sinatra. No, Nancy Reagan.

0:34:08 > 0:34:09I'm gonna go. OK, wait, hang on.

0:34:09 > 0:34:12Wait, Jack, let me just tell you the truth because...

0:34:12 > 0:34:14now is as good a time as any just to confess.

0:34:14 > 0:34:16Confess what?

0:34:16 > 0:34:20The reason Sean called me Nancy was because I'm not called Jessica

0:34:20 > 0:34:24and the reason I'm not called Jessica is because I'm not actually Jessica.

0:34:24 > 0:34:27She's Nancy. She's Nancy Patterson. LAUGHS

0:34:27 > 0:34:31Thank you, Sean. Can you put your clothes back on and leave? Please.

0:34:31 > 0:34:33What about my kiss? Out. No. Jog on. Out!

0:34:35 > 0:34:38Anyway, look, I was in here with him

0:34:38 > 0:34:41because he said he wouldn't tell you who I really was if I kissed him.

0:34:41 > 0:34:43The truth is, I'm not really your blind date.

0:34:43 > 0:34:47You thought I was, what with the book, the clock and the quid pro quo.

0:34:47 > 0:34:51So you're saying you're not the girl that I was supposed to meet earlier?

0:34:51 > 0:34:52No. What?!

0:34:52 > 0:34:55I know! It sounds a bit mad. But don't think of it as mad.

0:34:55 > 0:34:58Think of it as impulsive.

0:34:58 > 0:35:00What kind of person stands underneath a clock

0:35:00 > 0:35:02waiting to steal someone's date? I wasn't waiting.

0:35:02 > 0:35:05It's not stealing in the conventional sense of the word.

0:35:05 > 0:35:07That girl gave me her book so that's why you thought I was her.

0:35:07 > 0:35:10No, I thought you were her because you said you were.

0:35:10 > 0:35:12Did I actually say that?

0:35:12 > 0:35:15When were you thinking of telling me about this bizarre decision?

0:35:15 > 0:35:18There wasn't actually a plan. I'm sure there wasn't a plan.

0:35:18 > 0:35:21Because who would have a plan for that? Something so fucked up?

0:35:21 > 0:35:24I think people have done worse things in the world.

0:35:24 > 0:35:27I'm racking my brains. That girl wasn't even right for you.

0:35:27 > 0:35:31We'll never know. I'll never meet her because you stole her.

0:35:31 > 0:35:34I was merely trying to meet my mate in the modern world.

0:35:34 > 0:35:38Who are you? I'm Nancy Patterson. Hello.

0:35:38 > 0:35:41Are you even a triathlete? That's the next thing you ask?

0:35:41 > 0:35:44And where's Jessica? I don't know. Probably gone home by now.

0:35:44 > 0:35:46Past her bedtime. Are you even 24?

0:35:46 > 0:35:49Aw. Add another ten. What?

0:35:49 > 0:35:53Fuck you, Granddad. Not in six billion years.

0:35:53 > 0:35:55OK, that was uncalled for. That was uncalled for?

0:35:55 > 0:35:57Yeah. Do you know what's uncalled for?

0:35:57 > 0:35:59Derailing my date.

0:35:59 > 0:36:00OK. GIRLS LAUGH

0:36:00 > 0:36:03Laugh it up, girls. I am your future. Just so you know.

0:36:03 > 0:36:0534! 40!

0:36:05 > 0:36:08I think you're overreacting a bit. Really?

0:36:08 > 0:36:09Yeah, I do. How would you feel, Nancy,

0:36:09 > 0:36:12if you'd been set up with someone who's supposed to be perfect for you

0:36:12 > 0:36:14and some psycho pretends to be them instead?

0:36:14 > 0:36:17Setups never work. Tom said we matched.

0:36:17 > 0:36:20Please, she reads self-help books and The Da Vinci Code.

0:36:20 > 0:36:23She works in the City. What does that even mean?

0:36:23 > 0:36:24When people say that?

0:36:24 > 0:36:27It means she is a high-flying 24-year-old businesswoman...

0:36:27 > 0:36:3024. You love that word. It's your favourite word.

0:36:30 > 0:36:33Isn't that just the classic response of the lonely 34-year-old woman

0:36:33 > 0:36:35desperate for somewhere to put her eggs.

0:36:35 > 0:36:37At least I'm nearly at my sexual peak. It's all downhill for you.

0:36:37 > 0:36:40Knock knock, who's there? Viagra!

0:36:40 > 0:36:41The bitter look really suits you.

0:36:41 > 0:36:43It doesn't surprise me that Pete slept around.

0:36:43 > 0:36:46Hang on a sec. Oh, oh, oh! There is no Pete!

0:36:46 > 0:36:48And there is no wife because she left you.

0:36:48 > 0:36:51Here's your theory. You think, "I'm so wounded and rejected."

0:36:51 > 0:36:54"Please, help me, younger woman, who's nearly half my age."

0:36:54 > 0:36:57This is coming from someone who had to steal someone else's date

0:36:57 > 0:36:58to even get one.

0:36:58 > 0:37:01At least I'm not walking around like I'm bloody catch of the century.

0:37:01 > 0:37:05Look at me with my own flat and my online marketing management job.

0:37:05 > 0:37:07But what I really want to do is paint.

0:37:07 > 0:37:10I am gonna paint. OK? Sure you are.

0:37:10 > 0:37:12Thank you very much, it was lovely not getting to know you

0:37:12 > 0:37:15and congratulations on your massive pack of lies.

0:37:15 > 0:37:19Where's my bag? That was all there was on the ticket.

0:37:19 > 0:37:21Where's my bag? How should I know?

0:37:21 > 0:37:22Why have I got your notepad?

0:37:22 > 0:37:25Oh, f... Oh, my God, we've left my bag at the cantina.

0:37:25 > 0:37:28Your bag, not mine. How many tequilas have you had?

0:37:28 > 0:37:30My divorce papers are in there. Ooh, sexy.

0:37:30 > 0:37:32I came from the lawyers, all right? Ooh, sexier.

0:37:32 > 0:37:36Your divorce papers... and my notepad with my speech!

0:37:36 > 0:37:38What speech?

0:37:38 > 0:37:41It's my folks' 40th wedding anniversary tonight.

0:37:41 > 0:37:44It just gets better. Not only do you steal somebody else's blind date,

0:37:44 > 0:37:48you stand up your parents on one of the most important milestones of their life.

0:37:48 > 0:37:51You really, really need to consider your motivations for doing things

0:37:51 > 0:37:53and not doing things.

0:37:53 > 0:37:55I'm gonna get my speech. Whatever. Taxi!

0:37:55 > 0:37:59Hey, what are you doing? Calling a cab so I can go to the bar.

0:37:59 > 0:38:01It's a ten-minute walk. No, it's not, it's 20 minutes.

0:38:01 > 0:38:04It's ten minutes! You seem awfully confident, Nancy.

0:38:04 > 0:38:06Because it's a fact, Jack. Oh, it's a fact?

0:38:06 > 0:38:09Is it a fact? Like the fact that you're a triathlete.

0:38:09 > 0:38:11Great. Here's a good idea.

0:38:11 > 0:38:12Why don't you run, swim and cycle

0:38:12 > 0:38:14to the bar and we'll see who gets there first?

0:38:14 > 0:38:17What? You don't even know what a triathlon is.

0:38:17 > 0:38:18Yes, I do. You do, do you?

0:38:18 > 0:38:20Yeah. Well, ready, steady...

0:38:22 > 0:38:24..go!

0:38:27 > 0:38:30Get stronger thighs!

0:38:30 > 0:38:32Come on, come on, come on!

0:38:36 > 0:38:38CHUCKLES VICTORIOUSLY

0:38:38 > 0:38:41Bye. Twat! Shit!

0:38:42 > 0:38:43CHUCKLES

0:38:47 > 0:38:48CAR HORN What?

0:38:52 > 0:38:53No.

0:38:53 > 0:38:54ROWDY CHATTER

0:38:54 > 0:38:56Shit.

0:38:56 > 0:38:58Excuse me. Why so many feathers?

0:39:03 > 0:39:04Shit!

0:39:08 > 0:39:11Hey. Sir. Kind person.

0:39:15 > 0:39:16Come on, come on, come on.

0:39:21 > 0:39:23Excuse me! Coming through.

0:39:23 > 0:39:25Just go further up. It's on the left.

0:39:26 > 0:39:27Mind your back! MAN SHOUTS

0:39:36 > 0:39:38In your 40-year-old face!

0:39:38 > 0:39:41I thought you weren't competitive. I thought you weren't competitive.

0:39:43 > 0:39:45You all right?

0:39:46 > 0:39:48It's a tactical puke.

0:39:48 > 0:39:50It better be in there. Of course it will.

0:39:50 > 0:39:52LOUD CHATTER AND MUSIC

0:39:54 > 0:39:56Hey, you want some more tequila? BOTH: No!

0:39:56 > 0:39:58Is his man-bag here? It's a satchel, OK.

0:39:58 > 0:40:02I'm not used to carrying it. All right, I'll go check.

0:40:02 > 0:40:04Where are you going? Toilet.

0:40:04 > 0:40:06You gonna meet somebody? No, so you don't need to follow me in there.

0:40:06 > 0:40:08I have no intention of doing that again.

0:40:18 > 0:40:19Fuck!

0:40:30 > 0:40:32COUGHS

0:40:37 > 0:40:40LOUD CONVERSATION

0:40:45 > 0:40:46PHONE VIBRATES

0:40:51 > 0:40:53ANSWERPHONE: Hi, you've called Elaine.

0:40:53 > 0:40:56Leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

0:41:12 > 0:41:14Nice one, Nancy.

0:41:14 > 0:41:16Really, really nice.

0:41:19 > 0:41:20It's great stuff.

0:41:24 > 0:41:28Hey, you know. New mantra. CHUCKLES

0:41:28 > 0:41:31Stop being such a loser.

0:41:34 > 0:41:35How about that?

0:41:51 > 0:41:53Er...

0:42:06 > 0:42:08MUTTERS

0:42:11 > 0:42:12EXHALES HEAVILY

0:42:14 > 0:42:15Yay.

0:42:33 > 0:42:37Do you even like bowling? I love bowling.

0:42:37 > 0:42:40Great. So you weren't faking it the whole night, then?

0:42:40 > 0:42:42Bet you've said that line before. SCOFFS

0:42:44 > 0:42:46Look...

0:42:47 > 0:42:49Look, I realise this is not my finest hour.

0:42:49 > 0:42:53Oh, you don't say? Yeah. I know.

0:42:54 > 0:42:59In hindsight, agreeing to Sean's demands was not the best decision

0:42:59 > 0:43:00that I've made all evening.

0:43:00 > 0:43:04You could've just told me the truth. I know and I was going to,

0:43:04 > 0:43:06I really was, but then...

0:43:08 > 0:43:10.."Jessica" was doing so well.

0:43:10 > 0:43:13CLEARS THROAT One man-bag.

0:43:13 > 0:43:15Thank you. Cheers.

0:43:17 > 0:43:19LAUGHS

0:43:19 > 0:43:21What? Black Pant Wash.

0:43:24 > 0:43:25Funky.

0:43:29 > 0:43:30Idiot.

0:43:31 > 0:43:33Idiot.

0:43:33 > 0:43:34WOMAN: Jack?

0:43:37 > 0:43:39What are you doing here? I thought we agreed.

0:43:39 > 0:43:41What am I doing here? What are you doing here?

0:43:41 > 0:43:42Hello, Jack. Fuck off, Ed.

0:43:42 > 0:43:45I get this place between five and 10pm on a Saturday.

0:43:45 > 0:43:47Sorry, I thought it was a Sunday.

0:43:47 > 0:43:50I think we all know that you know that it's not on a Sunday.

0:43:50 > 0:43:53Oh, how I miss that pissy little diary of yours.

0:43:53 > 0:43:56Do you still put an "M" in it when it's moustache-dyeing week?

0:43:56 > 0:44:00He didn't know. Hey, this is Nancy, by the way. My girlfriend.

0:44:01 > 0:44:03Nancy, this is Hilary, my soon-to-be ex-wife,

0:44:03 > 0:44:05and Ed, the man she left me for.

0:44:05 > 0:44:09Come on, Jack. Yeah, come on, silly me.

0:44:09 > 0:44:12You know what? We're all in the same bar with our new partners.

0:44:12 > 0:44:15Let's have a drink together. We're adults, aren't we?

0:44:15 > 0:44:18We're mature, stable adults.

0:44:18 > 0:44:20Come on. Have you got a table? Yeah.

0:44:20 > 0:44:23Is it "our" table? Not any more.

0:44:23 > 0:44:25Good! Even better. Lead the way.

0:44:25 > 0:44:29Oh, my God. What is happening? Just go with it, darling.

0:44:29 > 0:44:31Just go with it, Edward.

0:44:32 > 0:44:33Oh, my God. You knew they'd be here.

0:44:33 > 0:44:35That's why you brought me here earlier.

0:44:35 > 0:44:39That is why I brought "Jessica" here, OK? Then I came to my senses and we left.

0:44:39 > 0:44:42But then you left my bag here... You left your bag.

0:44:42 > 0:44:46And then you came out of the toilets looking like... Hmm...

0:44:46 > 0:44:49I just thought people have done worse things in the world

0:44:49 > 0:44:52and you are very good at pretending to be people that you're not.

0:44:52 > 0:44:54And you owe me, Nancy.

0:44:55 > 0:44:56Hm.

0:44:57 > 0:44:59HILARY LAUGHS

0:45:01 > 0:45:03SIGHS OK.

0:45:03 > 0:45:06What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

0:45:07 > 0:45:09I believe they call it "closure".

0:45:12 > 0:45:14LOUD CONVERSATION

0:45:18 > 0:45:21Missed a call from Nancy. She's not even gonna make it for the speeches.

0:45:21 > 0:45:23What the fuck do you think she's doing?

0:45:23 > 0:45:27What you always tell her to do. Yeah, but not the greatest night to pick.

0:45:27 > 0:45:29But she's being spontaneous.

0:45:29 > 0:45:32Be spontaneous when there's nothing else planned.

0:45:32 > 0:45:34Don't you think this is a bit...

0:45:34 > 0:45:36I'm gonna see what's happened before I pass judgement.

0:45:36 > 0:45:38Are you? Well, good for you.

0:45:38 > 0:45:41Jesus, when has she ever done anything like this before?

0:45:41 > 0:45:44Well, never, but... Pardon, what was that?

0:45:44 > 0:45:45Never.

0:45:45 > 0:45:48She's out there, somewhere, doing you proud, meeting a man.

0:45:48 > 0:45:52Having a lovely time. Just like when we first met.

0:45:52 > 0:45:55We met in a pub. But it was a lovely romantic pub.

0:45:56 > 0:45:58It was a Yates's Wine Lodge.

0:45:58 > 0:46:02Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?

0:46:02 > 0:46:05"Vodka and tonic, please." And I said?

0:46:06 > 0:46:08"Pint or a half?"

0:46:11 > 0:46:13What is the worst-case scenario?

0:46:13 > 0:46:16We never see her again. All right, second worst?

0:46:24 > 0:46:26Aw. CHUCKLES

0:46:29 > 0:46:30You hungry? No.

0:46:30 > 0:46:32Little snackette? No, don't need it.

0:46:32 > 0:46:34So...

0:46:35 > 0:46:37..how long have you two been seeing each other?

0:46:37 > 0:46:39Not long. Not long at all.

0:46:39 > 0:46:41How did you meet?

0:46:41 > 0:46:42At work. At a party.

0:46:42 > 0:46:44At a work party. At a party that worked.

0:46:44 > 0:46:46So you're in online marketing, too?

0:46:46 > 0:46:48MIMICS CHILDISHLY

0:46:48 > 0:46:50No. I am a...

0:46:51 > 0:46:53..firewoman. I'm a firewoman. SCOFFS

0:46:53 > 0:46:56There was a fire. At his work party.

0:46:56 > 0:46:58And then in our pants.

0:47:00 > 0:47:03So, Hilary, what is it that you... What do you do for a living?

0:47:03 > 0:47:05I'm an account manager at a leading PR firm.

0:47:05 > 0:47:07Mind-blowing. And you, Ed?

0:47:07 > 0:47:09I'm a merchant banker. Interesting fact.

0:47:09 > 0:47:11"Merchant banker" is cockney rhyming slang for "wanker".

0:47:11 > 0:47:13Oh, for fuck's sake, Jack.

0:47:13 > 0:47:15It's a fact. I'm just saying. I'm not lying.

0:47:15 > 0:47:17It's been a year. It's OK, Hil.

0:47:17 > 0:47:20It's not the first time I've heard that one.

0:47:20 > 0:47:22First time I've ever heard it. I'm unaffected by it, so...

0:47:22 > 0:47:27And it's been more than a year, actually, Hilary. It's been 368 days.

0:47:27 > 0:47:30Not that I'm crossing it off on my wall calendar of pain and deceit.

0:47:30 > 0:47:33I need a piss.

0:47:33 > 0:47:34Oh, fuck! Shit.

0:47:37 > 0:47:40Oh, shit. Hey...

0:47:40 > 0:47:45Hey, don't worry, Baby Cakes. This was bound to happen sooner or later.

0:47:45 > 0:47:49He does this. It's kind of blackmail.

0:47:49 > 0:47:51He's a very emotional man.

0:47:53 > 0:47:57We're gonna need more nibbles, please. So...

0:47:57 > 0:47:58question.

0:47:59 > 0:48:03You two had an affair? We fell in love.

0:48:03 > 0:48:05Yeah, but you had an affair?

0:48:05 > 0:48:08The marriage was over anyway. But you had an affair?

0:48:11 > 0:48:14Yeah. I guess he is just an emotional man.

0:48:16 > 0:48:17Look, I'm sorry, Hilary.

0:48:17 > 0:48:20The truth is... I missed you, Big Nuts.

0:48:20 > 0:48:21KISSES, LAUGHS

0:48:21 > 0:48:25So what rating are you two rabbits on now?

0:48:25 > 0:48:28Rating? Yeah, sexually speaking?

0:48:28 > 0:48:31Because Jack and I, God, we're still in porno land really.

0:48:31 > 0:48:33CHOKES Porno land?

0:48:33 > 0:48:35Hm-hmm. Shall I explain? Please do.

0:48:35 > 0:48:38OK. You know when a woman first starts sleeping with a man,

0:48:38 > 0:48:39she acts like she's a porn star.

0:48:39 > 0:48:41Am I right? Jack and I, anything goes.

0:48:41 > 0:48:45Church of Lesbyterian, dinner beneath the bridge, guided tour of site B,

0:48:45 > 0:48:46if you know where that is. He knows.

0:48:46 > 0:48:49Remember when you said we should and I was like, "I'm not gonna do that."

0:48:49 > 0:48:51You said, "Go on, try it." Did I?

0:48:51 > 0:48:55And I was just thinking, "I'm actually quite scared," because I couldn't see.

0:48:55 > 0:48:57Then, God, you flipped it. And all of a sudden...

0:48:57 > 0:49:00God, I felt like, "Please don't stop."

0:49:00 > 0:49:04"Jack, please don't stop. Don't stop, Jack. Do what you do, Jack."

0:49:04 > 0:49:06"Thank you, Jack. I love your work, Jack."

0:49:06 > 0:49:10And you lot are like, "Wow, our sex life is always gonna be like a porn film."

0:49:10 > 0:49:13Six months in, the ladies, we drop it down to an 18,

0:49:13 > 0:49:17and then a 15, maybe a quick 69 but only if we've just had a bath.

0:49:17 > 0:49:22And then suddenly, whoa, we're a PG-13 wearing tartan pyjamas to bed

0:49:22 > 0:49:25doing the goodnight rollover before you can say "missionary position".

0:49:27 > 0:49:29That is a brilliant theory.

0:49:29 > 0:49:33Thank you. But do you know what, Jack? I really feel

0:49:33 > 0:49:36like we're gonna be in porno land for a lot longer than usual.

0:49:38 > 0:49:40I have a theory, too. Yeah? What is it?

0:49:40 > 0:49:44If you get a woman back to your place and you say you don't wanna have sex,

0:49:44 > 0:49:49you just wanna take it slowly, I guarantee she will go down on you.

0:49:49 > 0:49:52The Blow Job Paradox. Blow Job Paradox!

0:49:52 > 0:49:55Yeah! "Use it, don't abuse it." If divorce papers were honest,

0:49:55 > 0:49:58they wouldn't say "irreconcilable differences".

0:49:58 > 0:50:00They'd say "not enough blow jobs". Not enough blow jobs!

0:50:00 > 0:50:02Like, get down there, fix it.

0:50:02 > 0:50:06Sorry to interrupt. Did you get a chance to sign those papers?

0:50:08 > 0:50:13Yes, I did, actually, Hilary. In fact, coincidentally, I have them with me.

0:50:13 > 0:50:16Although, stupid Jack, I signed them with a pen.

0:50:16 > 0:50:19You'd probably prefer it if I did it with my own blood.

0:50:21 > 0:50:26Hey, this is our song. We should dance. It's very special. Isn't that mad?

0:50:26 > 0:50:28Don't fucking touch me.

0:50:28 > 0:50:30Yay. What are you doing?

0:50:30 > 0:50:32Stopping you from making a twat of yourself

0:50:32 > 0:50:33by using the medium of dance. Hello.

0:50:33 > 0:50:36I'm gonna slow-dance you into submission, OK?

0:50:36 > 0:50:40You'll need to put your arms around my waist for it to work properly. Good.

0:50:40 > 0:50:42I'm such a dick. You're not. You're not a dick.

0:50:42 > 0:50:45It's always better to be the one that's dumped.

0:50:45 > 0:50:48You never regret anything. She made the decision.

0:50:48 > 0:50:50She's gotta live with that for the rest of her life.

0:50:50 > 0:50:53It's not as simple as that, is it? But it will be. It just takes time.

0:50:53 > 0:50:58Your hands are slipping down my arse. Sorry. Old habit.

0:50:58 > 0:51:01Everybody knew they were doing it. Nobody told me.

0:51:01 > 0:51:03It's rough. I'll admit it's rough.

0:51:03 > 0:51:04I was really traditional about

0:51:04 > 0:51:07the whole "don't sleep around when you're married" thing.

0:51:07 > 0:51:09Hands-arse. That's right.

0:51:09 > 0:51:12I bet you proposed on the top of a Tuscan hill.

0:51:12 > 0:51:13Cephalonian, actually.

0:51:13 > 0:51:15Spent a year planning your big day.

0:51:15 > 0:51:17Yeah. Twenty grand, all in? Bit more.

0:51:17 > 0:51:19Let's not forget about the ring. It was four grand.

0:51:19 > 0:51:22And we had to get it resized because she got awfully thin.

0:51:22 > 0:51:25You spent ?24,000 on a party and some jewellery?

0:51:25 > 0:51:26It was a grand gesture.

0:51:26 > 0:51:29What's the point of life if you're not up for stuff like that?

0:51:29 > 0:51:33A grand gesture that amounted to nothing. Hands-arse.

0:51:33 > 0:51:36God, you're such a fucking cynic. And you're such a fucking romantic.

0:51:36 > 0:51:38MUSIC: "The Reflex" by Duran Duran

0:51:38 > 0:51:40# ..fle-fle-fle-fle-flex...

0:51:40 > 0:51:45You put so much emphasis on that one day and forget about the rest of your life.

0:51:45 > 0:51:48What's wrong with having a big day? Look at your parents.

0:51:48 > 0:51:50I bet they had a party and guests and a wishing tree.

0:51:50 > 0:51:54Six guests. Local registry office. Drinks at the pub afterwards.

0:51:54 > 0:51:55They decided it was more important

0:51:55 > 0:51:58to concentrate on the promises they were making.

0:51:58 > 0:52:00Don't you think that's what I wanted?

0:52:00 > 0:52:02When you get married, you make a promise you can't keep,

0:52:02 > 0:52:05but, by God, I was gonna try, and I'll never regret that.

0:52:05 > 0:52:06Which is more than you can say,

0:52:06 > 0:52:09sat up there on your single perch with all your judgements.

0:52:09 > 0:52:13# Why-y-y-y-y don't you use it

0:52:13 > 0:52:17# Try-y-y-y-y not to bruise it

0:52:17 > 0:52:20# Buy-y-y-y-y time, don't lose it... #

0:52:20 > 0:52:22They're not judgements, they're theories.

0:52:22 > 0:52:24Very different things. Whatever.

0:52:24 > 0:52:28# The reflex is an only child

0:52:28 > 0:52:31# Just waiting by the park

0:52:31 > 0:52:35# The reflex is in charge of finding

0:52:35 > 0:52:38# Treasure in the dark

0:52:38 > 0:52:42# And watching over lucky clover

0:52:42 > 0:52:46# Isn't that bizarre?

0:52:46 > 0:52:49# Every little thing the reflex does

0:52:49 > 0:52:53# Leaves you answered with a question mark... #

0:52:53 > 0:52:55You know your problem, Nancy? What?

0:52:55 > 0:52:58You spend your entire time on the sidelines theorising about what works,

0:52:58 > 0:53:01but never putting yourself out there. You never take chances.

0:53:01 > 0:53:04I think my actions today could be considered quite "chancy".

0:53:04 > 0:53:05Oh, really? Yeah.

0:53:05 > 0:53:10You need to man up. I married that woman and she tore out my heart

0:53:10 > 0:53:13but I'm still standing. I'm still putting myself out there.

0:53:13 > 0:53:15And who are you to say that my marriage was doomed from the start?

0:53:15 > 0:53:17Who are you to say that the girl I met tonight,

0:53:17 > 0:53:21the girl I was supposed to meet tonight, wasn't the girl of my dreams?

0:53:21 > 0:53:24You need to let me get on with my sad single-man life crisis

0:53:24 > 0:53:28and keep your cynical wisecracks and theories to yourself. OK?

0:53:30 > 0:53:32# Why-y-y-y W-w-why-y-y

0:53:33 > 0:53:36# Why-y-y-y W-w-why-y-y-y... #

0:53:43 > 0:53:47Hi. Sorry. I'm not looking.

0:53:47 > 0:53:50Just...looking for Jack.

0:53:50 > 0:53:54Jack, are you in here? TEARFUL: No.

0:53:54 > 0:53:55Come on.

0:53:55 > 0:53:57Just go to your party, Nancy, I'm fine.

0:53:57 > 0:54:01You're fine? Yeah, I'm really fucking fine.

0:54:02 > 0:54:03Occupied!

0:54:03 > 0:54:06Sorry. You didn't lock. Didn't lock.

0:54:16 > 0:54:17Hi.

0:54:17 > 0:54:19I was hoping for the pants-and-socks look.

0:54:19 > 0:54:21LAUGHS

0:54:30 > 0:54:33Nice place you've got. It's really cosy.

0:54:44 > 0:54:45Sorry.

0:54:46 > 0:54:51I've had a bad relationship run over the past few years

0:54:51 > 0:54:55and so it's made me not the most positive person.

0:54:57 > 0:54:59I overanalyse and I...

0:55:00 > 0:55:05..come up with elaborate theories and make monumentally bad decisions and...

0:55:05 > 0:55:09I've gotta move on, you know, that's all.

0:55:09 > 0:55:11She's out there, she's happy.

0:55:11 > 0:55:13She's getting on with her life and I'm...

0:55:14 > 0:55:16I'm just holding on. OK.

0:55:18 > 0:55:22A - I wouldn't say "happy", exactly.

0:55:22 > 0:55:26And secondly, I mean, you're not holding on to her.

0:55:26 > 0:55:28You're holding on to a feeling

0:55:28 > 0:55:32and that feeling will eventually pass. Promise.

0:55:32 > 0:55:35I mean, look, maybe I was wrong.

0:55:35 > 0:55:39Maybe dating 24-year-olds is exactly what you need right now.

0:55:39 > 0:55:43You've changed your tune. Well, unlike...

0:55:43 > 0:55:47the older lady, they do have less baggage.

0:55:48 > 0:55:51I mean, shit, I'm way over my baggage allowance.

0:55:51 > 0:55:54I'm four years single. Four fucking years.

0:55:55 > 0:56:00Prior to that, I had six years with the supposed love of my life,

0:56:00 > 0:56:04when, out of the blue, he ended it and then he...

0:56:04 > 0:56:07He said he wanted to go to China to find himself.

0:56:07 > 0:56:09Then he found himself shacked up in Shepherd's Bush

0:56:09 > 0:56:11with some other girl six months later.

0:56:11 > 0:56:14I'm over it, obviously, but I just... Yeah, you really sound it.

0:56:16 > 0:56:18Apart from one thing.

0:56:18 > 0:56:21One thing that, honestly, I'm not sure that I can ever get over.

0:56:21 > 0:56:23What?

0:56:23 > 0:56:24He...

0:56:25 > 0:56:28He de-authorised me from his iTunes.

0:56:28 > 0:56:29GASPS

0:56:29 > 0:56:32What? That is unforgivable.

0:56:32 > 0:56:35It is. It is, actually.

0:56:36 > 0:56:40So, what do you really do for a living?

0:56:40 > 0:56:42I'm a journalist. Yeah.

0:56:42 > 0:56:45Slash wannabe literary polymath.

0:56:45 > 0:56:49That figures. You got good theories. Oh, you like them now?

0:56:49 > 0:56:51I wouldn't listen to me, though,

0:56:51 > 0:56:54because I'm not exactly the poster child for the dating industry.

0:56:54 > 0:56:57Really? I'm 40, divorced and crying in a toilet.

0:56:59 > 0:57:01You're just...

0:57:02 > 0:57:04You're an emotional jigsaw at the moment

0:57:04 > 0:57:07but you're gonna piece yourself back together.

0:57:07 > 0:57:10You know, start with the corners. Look for the blue bits.

0:57:12 > 0:57:16And where do I find these "blue bits"?

0:57:21 > 0:57:24MAN: Took me three years to get over my ex.

0:57:24 > 0:57:29Jungian therapy. Two hours every day. Six weeks.

0:57:29 > 0:57:32I burnt her clothes. Twice.

0:57:32 > 0:57:34I'm not saying that her porn star theory is correct.

0:57:34 > 0:57:36But you did blow job paradox me?

0:57:36 > 0:57:38Hey. Where did you two get to?

0:57:38 > 0:57:41Probably 69-ing in the toilets, no doubt.

0:57:41 > 0:57:44Who's up for a shot? Come on, let's all do some shots.

0:57:44 > 0:57:47I think I've had enough to drink. We're just gonna head off.

0:57:47 > 0:57:50Nonsense. It's a seminal night so we should mark it somehow.

0:57:50 > 0:57:51Four sambucas, please.

0:57:51 > 0:57:54You look like you've been crying.

0:57:54 > 0:57:56Actually, I was crying. With laughter.

0:57:56 > 0:57:58Have you ever tried to do it in a cubicle that small?

0:57:58 > 0:58:01I think I left my knickers in there.

0:58:01 > 0:58:04She does not need to know the real reason for your tears.

0:58:04 > 0:58:06Did you wanna leave your knickers in there?

0:58:06 > 0:58:07Focus, Jack.

0:58:09 > 0:58:11Repeat after me.

0:58:11 > 0:58:14"After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on."

0:58:14 > 0:58:18After this shot I will be stronger, wiser and finally moving on.

0:58:18 > 0:58:20Fuck the past. Fuck the past.

0:58:23 > 0:58:26YELLS Sorry.

0:58:26 > 0:58:28Oh, my God. Do something!

0:58:28 > 0:58:30You're a fireman, put the fucking fire out!

0:58:30 > 0:58:32Here. You take it. Jesus!

0:58:33 > 0:58:35SCREAMS

0:58:36 > 0:58:38JACK LAUGHS

0:58:38 > 0:58:41NANCY AND JACK LAUGH

0:58:41 > 0:58:43That is what I call closure.

0:58:43 > 0:58:45I mean, that's the dictionary definition right there.

0:58:45 > 0:58:48Denial, depression, acceptance.

0:58:48 > 0:58:50Fire. Fire.

0:58:53 > 0:58:54HE LAUGHS What?

0:58:54 > 0:58:56All right, what is next?

0:58:56 > 0:58:59OK, what's the time? It is ten o'clock.

0:58:59 > 0:59:02Is it? Oh, shit. I should check in at home, really.

0:59:02 > 0:59:04Yeah, I'd better...

0:59:04 > 0:59:05PHONE CHIMES

0:59:07 > 0:59:09PHONE CHIMES

0:59:09 > 0:59:13So, I think I'd better finally head to my folks' anniversary party

0:59:13 > 0:59:14but I was just... PHONE CHIMES

0:59:14 > 0:59:16This is a crazy idea but I was just thinking,

0:59:16 > 0:59:18would you want to join...? Sorry.

0:59:18 > 0:59:23Just because it might be nice to not go alone for a change and if you...

0:59:23 > 0:59:27Oh, my God, she has called and texted, like, a lot.

0:59:27 > 0:59:29Who has? Jessica.

0:59:29 > 0:59:32Jessica? She said she spoke to Tom and there's obviously been

0:59:32 > 0:59:35some sort of misunderstanding and she still wants to meet up.

0:59:35 > 0:59:37Even though you stood her up? What? Is she a loser?

0:59:37 > 0:59:40Technically, you stood her up, actually.

0:59:40 > 0:59:44She's young so she's not a total cynic like you. Us. Yet.

0:59:44 > 0:59:46Your 24-year-old obsession, isn't it?

0:59:46 > 0:59:48You said I should keep it simple.

0:59:48 > 0:59:51When? Like, half an hour ago in the toilet.

0:59:52 > 0:59:54So, what is your theory on this one?

0:59:54 > 0:59:58My theory? Yeah, I wanna hear it. What's the...

0:59:58 > 1:00:01Is it "boy meets girl" or "boy doesn't meet girl"?

1:00:01 > 1:00:04CHUCKLES I mean...

1:00:04 > 1:00:06Come on, this is when you tell me what to do

1:00:06 > 1:00:08and then we argue and then...

1:00:08 > 1:00:11You know, it's a bit of back and forth and then eventually...

1:00:11 > 1:00:14Oh, wait. What for?

1:00:14 > 1:00:17All night you've had all these theories and opinions

1:00:17 > 1:00:18and suddenly you've got nothing to say?

1:00:18 > 1:00:21What do you want? Do you want my permission or something?

1:00:21 > 1:00:25No, not at all. OK, well, then I think you should meet Jessica.

1:00:25 > 1:00:28Yeah, but that's not... What are you waiting for, right?

1:00:28 > 1:00:32What am I...? Yeah. I don't know what I'm waiting for.

1:00:32 > 1:00:33Fine, OK, I'll meet Jessica.

1:00:33 > 1:00:35OK. Great. OK.

1:00:35 > 1:00:37Are you meeting her here or...

1:00:37 > 1:00:39Yeah. Yes, there it is. LAUGHS

1:00:39 > 1:00:41OK. That's where the...

1:00:41 > 1:00:43You can give her this back, then.

1:00:43 > 1:00:46No, she bought another one. Course she did.

1:00:47 > 1:00:49I haven't really read it, to be honest. Have you not?

1:00:49 > 1:00:50Maybe we should have.

1:00:52 > 1:00:54So, um...

1:00:55 > 1:00:57Is that everything? Yeah.

1:00:58 > 1:01:01So sorry for derailing your date.

1:01:01 > 1:01:06I'm glad you did, because otherwise I'd have nothing to talk about on the next one.

1:01:06 > 1:01:09It is a good anecdote. I'll probably use it in future myself.

1:01:09 > 1:01:11So, well, look after yourself...

1:01:11 > 1:01:14It's what I do best. OK, and...

1:01:14 > 1:01:15Bye. Bye.

1:01:24 > 1:01:27I'll Facebook you. Not on Facebook.

1:01:27 > 1:01:30Idiot. Idiot.

1:01:34 > 1:01:36Idiot.

1:01:36 > 1:01:37Idiot.

1:02:24 > 1:02:28What kind of nutter pretends to be someone else's blind date?

1:02:28 > 1:02:30I know. It's...

1:02:30 > 1:02:33Although it does prove what a publishing sensation Six Billion has been.

1:02:33 > 1:02:34Yeah.

1:02:34 > 1:02:38Let's just pretend the whole thing never happened and we shall start again.

1:02:38 > 1:02:40Cheers.

1:02:46 > 1:02:50Sorry, I'm ever so thirsty. I did a lot of walking today.

1:02:50 > 1:02:52LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

1:02:52 > 1:02:54So, Jessica, I hear you work in the City.

1:02:54 > 1:02:57Correct. And I love it. "Lunch is for wimps."

1:02:59 > 1:03:02It's from Wall Street. From the film.

1:03:02 > 1:03:05"If you need a friend, get a dog."

1:03:05 > 1:03:08Oh, is that the one with Leonardo DiCaprio?

1:03:08 > 1:03:09Er, no.

1:03:09 > 1:03:13Um, so listen, Tom told me that you are a triathlete.

1:03:13 > 1:03:15LOUD CONVERSATION

1:03:19 > 1:03:21Bert, are you ready? Yeah?

1:03:21 > 1:03:23All right? Yep.

1:03:23 > 1:03:25Attention!

1:03:25 > 1:03:27FRENCH: Attention.

1:03:27 > 1:03:28Attenzione.

1:03:28 > 1:03:29Oi! Come on.

1:03:29 > 1:03:31Adam, thank you.

1:03:33 > 1:03:35Well, here we all are.

1:03:35 > 1:03:39I had rather hoped that our youngest daughter, Nancy,

1:03:39 > 1:03:41would have been here to do the speech.

1:03:41 > 1:03:44But, er, she's been a little delayed.

1:03:46 > 1:03:50So it falls to myself...

1:03:50 > 1:03:53to find a few choice words.

1:03:53 > 1:03:56CHEERING

1:03:56 > 1:03:59But, I mean, seriously...

1:03:59 > 1:04:02what's left for us to say to each other after 40 years?

1:04:02 > 1:04:05"Take the fucking recycling out."

1:04:05 > 1:04:06LAUGHTER

1:04:06 > 1:04:10Still as foul-mouthed as the day I met her.

1:04:10 > 1:04:12And still as beautiful.

1:04:12 > 1:04:13ALL: Aw!

1:04:13 > 1:04:18And although I doubt that we have another 40 years ahead of us...

1:04:18 > 1:04:20Bloody hope not. LAUGHTER

1:04:20 > 1:04:23..or we will ever agree...

1:04:23 > 1:04:26that you can park on a double yellow line on a Sunday...

1:04:26 > 1:04:28But you can, actually. FRAN: Whose side are you on?

1:04:28 > 1:04:32..or she will ever fully trust me with the big weekly shop...

1:04:32 > 1:04:34Not a hope in hell.

1:04:34 > 1:04:37..but here's to spending...

1:04:38 > 1:04:42..whatever years we have left together.

1:04:42 > 1:04:43ALL: Aw.

1:04:43 > 1:04:44Franny...

1:04:45 > 1:04:49..I am an empty shell on the beach without you.

1:04:49 > 1:04:50Oh, that's good.

1:04:50 > 1:04:54I am a laundry disaster waiting to happen.

1:04:54 > 1:04:57LAUGHTER

1:04:57 > 1:04:59I am an old pear...

1:04:59 > 1:05:04left to soften in the fruit bowl.

1:05:04 > 1:05:05Oh, here she is.

1:05:05 > 1:05:07CHEERING

1:05:07 > 1:05:08Nancy!

1:05:08 > 1:05:12So sorry I'm late. But I remembered the chocolate mousse.

1:05:12 > 1:05:14CHEERING

1:05:15 > 1:05:17WOMAN: Oh...

1:05:17 > 1:05:20What is it, darling? What is it? What's up?

1:05:20 > 1:05:22What's the matter? It's OK.

1:05:22 > 1:05:23BERT: Oh...

1:05:23 > 1:05:26Come on, tell us, what's the matter, darling?

1:05:27 > 1:05:30I got a lot of big home-improvement plans.

1:05:30 > 1:05:32Do up my flat. I'm gonna paint my hallway.

1:05:32 > 1:05:35Yes, Tom said that you were a bit of an artiste.

1:05:35 > 1:05:37Yeah, I, you know... I dabble.

1:05:37 > 1:05:40No, I don't dabble. Who am I trying to kid?

1:05:42 > 1:05:43I got an A in art at A level.

1:05:43 > 1:05:47I don't remember what I got in my A levels.

1:05:47 > 1:05:49I'm kidding you. I'm not that old.

1:05:49 > 1:05:51I got two Bs and a C, so.

1:05:51 > 1:05:54No, I didn't. I got two Cs and a B.

1:05:54 > 1:05:56Anyway, I passed them all, so...

1:05:56 > 1:05:59Well done. Thank you.

1:05:59 > 1:06:04Anyway, I'm so glad that you're a fan of Six Billion People And You as well.

1:06:04 > 1:06:06And I'm so sorry that I was late to meet you.

1:06:06 > 1:06:08But, actually, the reason that I had to buy another copy

1:06:08 > 1:06:11was because I left my copy for this woman on the train

1:06:11 > 1:06:16and she so needed to read it. She was a very unhappy soul.

1:06:16 > 1:06:20You know, one of those sort of "lost hope", "clock ticking" kind of women.

1:06:21 > 1:06:25Anyway, shall we do the lists? Yes, the lists, the lists.

1:06:25 > 1:06:28SHE CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY

1:06:28 > 1:06:31I can't wait to see what your favourite food is.

1:06:39 > 1:06:40Ready?

1:06:43 > 1:06:45I am so sorry about this.

1:06:45 > 1:06:47What are you talking about? This is amazing.

1:06:47 > 1:06:51If I hadn't left her that book... It's like the most epic love story ever.

1:06:51 > 1:06:54And it means that I was right and she was wrong. Taxi!

1:06:58 > 1:07:00Where to? Shit, I have no idea.

1:07:00 > 1:07:02Just call her.

1:07:02 > 1:07:04I don't have her number. I have your number.

1:07:04 > 1:07:06What's her name? Nancy. Nancy Patterson.

1:07:06 > 1:07:08Look her up on Facebook. She's not on Facebook.

1:07:08 > 1:07:10LAUGHS Don't be ridiculous.

1:07:10 > 1:07:14Everyone's connected. You'll have some mutual friends or something.

1:07:14 > 1:07:16You bloody genius.

1:07:16 > 1:07:18Bloomsbury Bowling Lanes, please.

1:07:18 > 1:07:21Good luck with the triathleting. Thank you, Jessica!

1:07:32 > 1:07:34Sean... Is that my scarf? Where's Nancy?

1:07:34 > 1:07:38That's what I need to talk to you about. I have to find her and I think she's at her parents'.

1:07:38 > 1:07:39Do you know where they live?

1:07:40 > 1:07:43I know the exact Google Map coordinates.

1:07:45 > 1:07:47KEYS JANGLE

1:07:52 > 1:07:57Holy... You know what, Sean? I'd be quite happy to take the train.

1:07:57 > 1:08:00What's your plan? What's my plan?

1:08:00 > 1:08:02To win her heart.

1:08:02 > 1:08:04This isn't a power ballad. Well, it should be.

1:08:04 > 1:08:07Grand romantic gestures. That's what it's all about.

1:08:07 > 1:08:11Declarations. Heart on the line. Life-changing kind of stuff.

1:08:11 > 1:08:14That's what I was going for back there in the toilets.

1:08:14 > 1:08:18Actions, you know. More than words.

1:08:18 > 1:08:20Jesus!

1:08:24 > 1:08:28Taught myself to drive with just my left hand.

1:08:28 > 1:08:30Pretty useful, I can tell you.

1:08:41 > 1:08:43Are we here? Yep, we're here.

1:08:43 > 1:08:46OK, OK, OK. Um...

1:08:46 > 1:08:50Oh, what number is it? 74.

1:08:50 > 1:08:53Go, go, go! Bon chance, mon amigo.

1:08:53 > 1:08:54ENGINE REVS Whoo!

1:08:54 > 1:08:56TYRES SCREECH, ENGINE PURRS

1:08:57 > 1:08:59Idiot, idiot, idiot...

1:08:59 > 1:09:01I should have just said...

1:09:01 > 1:09:03MUMBLES: "Don't go, come with me to the party."

1:09:03 > 1:09:04I can't hear her.

1:09:04 > 1:09:07Go easy, Nancy, cos it is a partition wall.

1:09:07 > 1:09:09Something about a party? This party?

1:09:09 > 1:09:12And I was gonna bring him here and everything.

1:09:12 > 1:09:13The man on the phone?

1:09:13 > 1:09:15The strange man you were on a date with?

1:09:15 > 1:09:17You should have. Didn't go well?

1:09:17 > 1:09:18No, it did go really well.

1:09:18 > 1:09:20ALL CHEER

1:09:21 > 1:09:23Oh, no, it's not a good thing. Boo, boo.

1:09:27 > 1:09:29Come on, my lovely, just tell us what happened.

1:09:29 > 1:09:30OK. INHALES

1:09:30 > 1:09:31DOORBELL RINGS

1:09:31 > 1:09:34I'll get that. OK. So...

1:09:38 > 1:09:40What are you doing here? Is Nancy here?

1:09:40 > 1:09:42Are you the strip-o-gram?

1:09:42 > 1:09:44What? No, I'm not. What are you...?

1:09:44 > 1:09:47Nancy, I had to come and find you. How did you...?

1:09:47 > 1:09:51I couldn't just leave it like that. Oh, my God. Nancy, is this...

1:09:51 > 1:09:53Oh, that's marvellous. We've got a chair for you.

1:09:53 > 1:09:55A chair? For me? Yeah.

1:09:55 > 1:09:58Oh, that sounds lovely. Hello, nice to see you.

1:09:58 > 1:10:00ALL GREET HIM

1:10:00 > 1:10:03We've got a lot of people here. Oh, party time. Hello, everybody.

1:10:03 > 1:10:06Hello, I'm Sean. Ooh, strawberries. Favourite!

1:10:06 > 1:10:08I loves me strawberries.

1:10:08 > 1:10:09No.

1:10:09 > 1:10:11LOUD MUSIC, CHATTER

1:10:13 > 1:10:15Everybody, everyone!

1:10:15 > 1:10:16Everybody, everybody!

1:10:16 > 1:10:18This is... It's Jack!

1:10:18 > 1:10:21He's looking for... Who are you looking for again?

1:10:21 > 1:10:23Nancy. Is this a 40th party?

1:10:23 > 1:10:26Nancy! Nancy, are you here?

1:10:26 > 1:10:28I'm Nancy. I'm Nancy.

1:10:28 > 1:10:32ALL: I'm Nancy!

1:10:32 > 1:10:35No, no, no, no, no, you're not. None of you are Nancy.

1:10:35 > 1:10:37Nancy is 34, not 15 or whatever.

1:10:37 > 1:10:40There's a girl being sick in the sink. This is terrible.

1:10:40 > 1:10:44Come here, sweetheart. Let it all out. There you go.

1:10:44 > 1:10:49Listen, Nancy is...she's got very cool hair and a lovely face and...

1:10:49 > 1:10:51Come on, please. Nancy Patterson.

1:10:51 > 1:10:53Anybody help me with Nancy Patterson?

1:10:53 > 1:10:54PEOPLE SHOUT "NANCY"

1:10:54 > 1:10:55Wait! Nancy Patterson?

1:10:55 > 1:10:58Yes! She used to be my old baby-sitter.

1:10:58 > 1:11:01Can you take me to her? Yes, I can.

1:11:01 > 1:11:02CHEERING Yes!

1:11:02 > 1:11:04Thank you! Thank you very much.

1:11:04 > 1:11:07Oh, we're all going, are we? OK.

1:11:07 > 1:11:09ALL CHANT "NANCY"

1:11:09 > 1:11:13MUSIC: Here I Go Again by Whitesnake

1:11:15 > 1:11:18# Cos here I go again on my own

1:11:19 > 1:11:23# Going down the only road I've ever known

1:11:24 > 1:11:28# Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

1:11:30 > 1:11:33# And I've made up my mind

1:11:35 > 1:11:38# I ain't wasting no more time

1:11:40 > 1:11:43# I'm just another heart in need of rescue

1:11:46 > 1:11:48# Waiting on love's sweet charity

1:11:50 > 1:11:54# And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days

1:11:56 > 1:11:59# Cos I know what it means

1:12:00 > 1:12:04# To walk along the lonely street of dreams

1:12:05 > 1:12:09# And here I go again on my own

1:12:10 > 1:12:14# Going down the only road I've ever known

1:12:15 > 1:12:19# Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

1:12:21 > 1:12:24# And I've made up my mind

1:12:26 > 1:12:29# I ain't wasting no more time

1:12:29 > 1:12:32# But here I go again

1:12:34 > 1:12:38# Here I go! #

1:12:41 > 1:12:43CHATTER

1:12:46 > 1:12:48Ladies and gentlemen,

1:12:48 > 1:12:51your attention, please.

1:12:53 > 1:12:56I'm just...just gonna say a few words. Uh...

1:12:57 > 1:13:01Uh, I actually had something prepared but...

1:13:01 > 1:13:04I lost it. It's kind of a long story...

1:13:04 > 1:13:06Actually, do you know what? I'm just gonna tell you,

1:13:06 > 1:13:08cos it's actually the reason I was so late

1:13:08 > 1:13:10and the reason why this speech is gonna be so rubbish.

1:13:10 > 1:13:12LAUGHTER

1:13:12 > 1:13:14I met a man today.

1:13:14 > 1:13:17Hello. No, not this man.

1:13:17 > 1:13:19I was standing underneath the clock at Waterloo Station

1:13:19 > 1:13:21when a man called Jack

1:13:21 > 1:13:24mistook me for his blind date

1:13:24 > 1:13:26and instead of just saying,

1:13:26 > 1:13:30"Hey, you got the wrong girl," like a normal person, um...

1:13:31 > 1:13:35..I thought it was a good idea to just pretend that I was his date.

1:13:35 > 1:13:37GASPS: No, you didn't?

1:13:37 > 1:13:40I did. I did. But, but... LAUGHTER

1:13:40 > 1:13:45You know, we went out and, you know, for the first time in ages,

1:13:45 > 1:13:48I put myself out there, and I took a chance,

1:13:48 > 1:13:50and I even got stronger thighs.

1:13:50 > 1:13:54Then Jack found out I wasn't who I said I was,

1:13:54 > 1:13:56a 24-year-old triathlete by the way.

1:13:56 > 1:13:5824? Yeah.

1:13:58 > 1:14:01And so he went to go and meet his real blind date.

1:14:01 > 1:14:03So blah, blah, blah, the end.

1:14:03 > 1:14:04ALL GROAN

1:14:10 > 1:14:13No, don't be sad. God, I'm not sad.

1:14:13 > 1:14:16I'm a bit sad. SIGHS

1:14:16 > 1:14:19Er, but I'm also quite proud of myself because I tried.

1:14:19 > 1:14:23And, you know, no, it didn't work out, but...

1:14:24 > 1:14:27I got a hint of what could be out there for me.

1:14:27 > 1:14:29You know...

1:14:30 > 1:14:31..a fun...

1:14:31 > 1:14:36loving, crazy, contradictory,

1:14:36 > 1:14:38long, happy life with someone.

1:14:38 > 1:14:40Something that these two have had

1:14:40 > 1:14:44since they first laid eyes on each other 40 years ago.

1:14:44 > 1:14:45So, please...

1:14:47 > 1:14:52..join me in toasting them and wishing them a very happy anniversary.

1:14:53 > 1:14:56To my mum and dad. To Bert and Fran.

1:14:56 > 1:14:59Mum and Dad. Bert and Fran.

1:14:59 > 1:15:00Bert and Fran.

1:15:10 > 1:15:12I liked that speech. I liked it a lot.

1:15:12 > 1:15:13Cheers, Dad.

1:15:13 > 1:15:17Much better than last year's. Yeah, that wasn't very...

1:15:17 > 1:15:18Come here.

1:15:18 > 1:15:22Stronger thighs. I'm so proud of you.

1:15:22 > 1:15:23Cheers, Elaine.

1:15:23 > 1:15:25Just keep on going, my darling.

1:15:25 > 1:15:27You'll get there in the end. Thanks, Mummy.

1:15:27 > 1:15:29So where's this Jack now?

1:15:29 > 1:15:32BANGING AT WINDOW He's at the window.

1:15:32 > 1:15:34ALL: Nancy!

1:15:34 > 1:15:37Nancy, it's me. Nancy! Nanc...

1:15:37 > 1:15:38I'm gonna... I'm coming in.

1:15:43 > 1:15:45Sorry. Sorry.

1:15:45 > 1:15:47Hey.

1:15:47 > 1:15:50Nancy, I thought you might want your speech.

1:15:51 > 1:15:53It's too late. I've...

1:15:53 > 1:15:57No, do you want your speech, Nancy? Er... Yes.

1:15:57 > 1:16:00OK, good. Just be quiet and let me give it to you, then.

1:16:00 > 1:16:03Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

1:16:03 > 1:16:05ALL CHEER

1:16:05 > 1:16:08..um, and friends and members of Nancy's family

1:16:08 > 1:16:12who I've never met before in my life. This is...

1:16:12 > 1:16:16I met a girl today, the wrong girl,

1:16:16 > 1:16:19except she turned out to be the right girl.

1:16:19 > 1:16:21And this girl, who took a chance on me

1:16:21 > 1:16:24in the most bizarre and romantic way possible,

1:16:24 > 1:16:28wanted me to take a chance on her, but, um...

1:16:28 > 1:16:31I didn't, you know. I didn't. I blew it,

1:16:31 > 1:16:35like a stupid 40-year-old, mid-life-crisis dickhead that I am.

1:16:36 > 1:16:40Which is why I sought help from old beaus.

1:16:40 > 1:16:44Yes, you... Not the most reliable of sources, really. Whatever.

1:16:44 > 1:16:48But undeterred, I commandeered these brilliant young drunks,

1:16:48 > 1:16:51because nothing was going to stop me from finding this girl

1:16:51 > 1:16:54and telling her what I should have told her earlier on.

1:16:55 > 1:17:00Nancy, I am so bloody glad you pretended to be my date today,

1:17:00 > 1:17:02because, if you hadn't,

1:17:02 > 1:17:06then I never would've heard any of your amazing sex theories

1:17:06 > 1:17:11or...watched you trying to get jalapeno out of your teeth

1:17:11 > 1:17:15or witnessed your very instinctive firewoman skills.

1:17:15 > 1:17:21I would never have got to know that muddy, beautiful triathlete face

1:17:21 > 1:17:24or witnessed that awesome, highly competitive arse

1:17:24 > 1:17:26as you were about to get another strike.

1:17:26 > 1:17:30In fact, if you hadn't have pretended to be my date today,

1:17:30 > 1:17:32my day would have been utterly rubbish.

1:17:36 > 1:17:38And so, quite possibly,

1:17:38 > 1:17:40would have been the rest of my life. PEOPLE COO

1:17:40 > 1:17:42Don't make those noises, I'm right on the edge.

1:17:44 > 1:17:46Nancy, you said I was an emotional jigsaw

1:17:46 > 1:17:48and that I should look for the blue bits.

1:17:49 > 1:17:52I think you might be the blue bits, Nancy.

1:17:52 > 1:17:55So what do you say?

1:17:55 > 1:17:56Quid pro quo?

1:18:04 > 1:18:07What does it say in Six Billion People And You?

1:18:07 > 1:18:09Oh, yeah. Sorry.

1:18:11 > 1:18:13BOTH: Fuck the past.

1:18:13 > 1:18:17LAUGHTER ALL: Fuck the past!

1:18:17 > 1:18:19Thank you. Excuse me.

1:18:25 > 1:18:27CHEERING

1:18:32 > 1:18:34Hands-arse. My hands aren't on your arse.

1:18:34 > 1:18:36I know.

1:18:38 > 1:18:40MUSIC: What Time Do You Call This? by Elbow

1:18:40 > 1:18:43# Shrink with me Tower with me

1:18:43 > 1:18:47# Wither with me Flower with me

1:18:47 > 1:18:51# Endlessly follow me

1:18:51 > 1:18:54# Chew me up and swallow me

1:18:54 > 1:18:58# Stay at least for now with me

1:18:58 > 1:19:02# Drink and dance and row with me

1:19:02 > 1:19:05# Tell me when I go too far... #

1:19:07 > 1:19:11I'll send you a photo, Sean.

1:19:11 > 1:19:12Yes!

1:19:13 > 1:19:17# ..Halt my ticker with those eyes... # SEAN: Bye!

1:19:17 > 1:19:20# Weather every winter well

1:19:20 > 1:19:24# Check my spelling, ring my bell

1:19:24 > 1:19:28# Don't expect endless sex

1:19:28 > 1:19:31# Check my spelling, wring my neck

1:19:31 > 1:19:35# Separate me from my breath

1:19:35 > 1:19:39# Kiss me nearly half to death... #

1:19:43 > 1:19:45SNIFFS Mm!

1:19:45 > 1:19:48# What time d'you call this? #

1:19:52 > 1:19:53SEAN WHOOPS

1:19:53 > 1:19:56# What time d'you call this?

1:20:00 > 1:20:04# What time d'you call this?

1:20:07 > 1:20:11# What time d'you call this?

1:20:13 > 1:20:16# I've been craning bewildered

1:20:16 > 1:20:22# All my days

1:20:23 > 1:20:29# To now find your face

1:20:29 > 1:20:34# Shining out of the crowd

1:20:37 > 1:20:41# Love was just a word

1:20:43 > 1:20:48# That friends didn't mention

1:20:52 > 1:20:56# Cos love was just a joke

1:20:58 > 1:21:03# Till it battered me senseless

1:21:07 > 1:21:11# Oh, shrink with me Tower with me

1:21:11 > 1:21:15# Wither with me Flower with me

1:21:15 > 1:21:19# Endlessly follow me

1:21:19 > 1:21:22# Chew me up and swallow me

1:21:22 > 1:21:26# Stay at least for now with me

1:21:26 > 1:21:30# Drink and dance and row with me

1:21:30 > 1:21:33# Tell me when I go too far

1:21:33 > 1:21:37# Stay precisely where you are

1:21:37 > 1:21:41# Talk me out of all my lies... #

1:21:45 > 1:21:48The latest of our Premier League commentaries for you this season,

1:21:48 > 1:21:50the whole game in full here on 5 Live.

1:21:50 > 1:21:51BUZZING

1:21:51 > 1:21:54It's been a knockout day in the Premier League.

1:21:54 > 1:21:57One of the most sensational Premier League games in history.

1:21:57 > 1:21:59Absolutely vital goal!