What We Do in the Shadows

0:00:02 > 0:00:10This film contains strong language and some violent scenes.

0:00:40 > 0:00:41ALARM BEEPS

0:00:42 > 0:00:44BANG

0:00:50 > 0:00:51ALARM STOPS

0:01:22 > 0:01:25'So it's 6pm in the night-time,

0:01:25 > 0:01:26'which is when I wake up.'

0:01:26 > 0:01:29This is always really scary part for me.

0:01:34 > 0:01:37Yes! Night-time.

0:01:37 > 0:01:41So, now I'm going to wake up my flatmates.

0:01:42 > 0:01:45'I really love living in a flatting situation.'

0:01:45 > 0:01:46Wake up!

0:01:46 > 0:01:48Wake up, everyone!

0:01:48 > 0:01:51'I like to hang out with other vampires.

0:01:51 > 0:01:53'I like the company.'

0:01:53 > 0:01:55Awaken!

0:01:55 > 0:01:58A-wakey, wakey!

0:01:58 > 0:02:01'I just really like having a good time with my friends.'

0:02:01 > 0:02:03Deacon...

0:02:03 > 0:02:05QUIETLY: Hi! Hey!

0:02:05 > 0:02:08Deacon... DEACON HISSES

0:02:08 > 0:02:10How was your night last night?

0:02:10 > 0:02:13I transformed into a dog and had sex.

0:02:13 > 0:02:14Cool!

0:02:14 > 0:02:17We're gonna have a little flat meeting in the kitchen

0:02:17 > 0:02:19in about 15 minutes, OK?

0:02:19 > 0:02:21- OK.- OK.

0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Should I close this?- Yes.

0:02:24 > 0:02:25Vladislav?!

0:02:25 > 0:02:27ASSORTED MOANS, VLAD HISSES

0:02:27 > 0:02:29Sorry! Sorry!

0:02:33 > 0:02:34What?

0:02:34 > 0:02:36- Hey!- What time is it?

0:02:36 > 0:02:40Um, we're going to have a flat meeting in about 10 minutes.

0:02:40 > 0:02:42- 20.- OK...is there...?

0:02:55 > 0:02:57WHISPERS: So we're...

0:02:57 > 0:02:59..in Petyr's room.

0:02:59 > 0:03:00I'm just going to wake him up.

0:03:03 > 0:03:07HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT, STONE GRINDS

0:03:18 > 0:03:19SING-SONG VOICE: Petyr?

0:03:20 > 0:03:22Petyr?!

0:03:25 > 0:03:26Petyr, wake up.

0:03:29 > 0:03:33Hey, listen, we're just having a flat meeting upstairs in about ten minutes.

0:03:33 > 0:03:35You don't have to come but I thought

0:03:35 > 0:03:38I'd extend an invitation to you, just in case.

0:03:38 > 0:03:39Um....

0:03:39 > 0:03:43There's a lot of stuff on the floor down here, Petyr, and...

0:03:43 > 0:03:45like this seems, I don't...

0:03:45 > 0:03:48Ah, it's a spinal column, yuck!

0:03:48 > 0:03:50And I was thinking, maybe

0:03:50 > 0:03:52I just should bring a broom down here for you

0:03:52 > 0:03:55if you wanted to sweep up some of the skellingtons.

0:03:55 > 0:03:57I don't know. You know...

0:03:57 > 0:04:00PETYR HISSES OK.

0:04:01 > 0:04:03I got you this chicken.

0:04:05 > 0:04:06CHICKEN CRIES OUT, BONES BREAK

0:04:06 > 0:04:08Is Petyr coming?

0:04:08 > 0:04:10- Should we be worried? - Petyr's...

0:04:10 > 0:04:11..8,000 years old.

0:04:11 > 0:04:14We're not going to have Petyr at the meeting.

0:04:14 > 0:04:15OK, so...

0:04:15 > 0:04:19Wanted to have a quick chat about flat responsibilities

0:04:19 > 0:04:20because, uh...guys,

0:04:20 > 0:04:23I think that we're not all pulling our weight here.

0:04:23 > 0:04:25We're not just pointing the finger at you, Deacon.

0:04:25 > 0:04:29You're a cool guy but you're not pulling your weight in the flat.

0:04:29 > 0:04:32Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm cool.

0:04:32 > 0:04:35- No, that's not the point, though... - Yeah, no, I know...

0:04:35 > 0:04:37It's not a flat meeting about how cool you are.

0:04:37 > 0:04:38- I do my flat chores. - No, you don't!

0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Yes, I do!- No, that's why we're having the flat meeting.

0:04:41 > 0:04:44The point is, Deacon, that you have not done the dishes for five years.

0:04:44 > 0:04:47Vladislav is right. It's unacceptable to have

0:04:47 > 0:04:50so many bloody dishes all over this bench like that...

0:04:50 > 0:04:52I'm so embarrassed when people come over here!

0:04:52 > 0:04:55What does it matter?! You bring them over, you kill them!

0:04:55 > 0:04:57Vampires don't do dishes.

0:04:57 > 0:05:00'Deacon's like the rebellious young vampire.

0:05:00 > 0:05:04'He's always doing crazy things, saying crazy things.

0:05:04 > 0:05:08'He's just like the young bad boy of the group.'

0:05:08 > 0:05:10OK, so...

0:05:10 > 0:05:13One day I was...

0:05:13 > 0:05:15..selling my wares

0:05:15 > 0:05:17and I walked passed this old, creepy castle.

0:05:17 > 0:05:19and I look at it and think...

0:05:20 > 0:05:22.."Very old and creepy."

0:05:22 > 0:05:24And then this creature

0:05:24 > 0:05:25flies at me!

0:05:25 > 0:05:29It dragged me back to this dark dungeon

0:05:29 > 0:05:31and bit into my neck.

0:05:31 > 0:05:34And just at the point of death...

0:05:34 > 0:05:35..this creature

0:05:35 > 0:05:38forced me to suck its foul blood.

0:05:38 > 0:05:42And then... it opened its wings, like this,

0:05:42 > 0:05:44and hovered above me,

0:05:44 > 0:05:45screeching.

0:05:45 > 0:05:47DEACON CACKLES

0:05:47 > 0:05:51"Now you are vampire."

0:05:51 > 0:05:52And it was Petyr.

0:05:54 > 0:05:57And we're still friends today.

0:05:57 > 0:06:00Vlad, you were great. You put out the recycling,

0:06:00 > 0:06:01which was really cool.

0:06:01 > 0:06:06And! The other day, I dragged man's body down the hallway,

0:06:06 > 0:06:08and noticed that there was no dust.

0:06:10 > 0:06:12Like, I kind of... I kind of swept the hallway.

0:06:12 > 0:06:14'Vladislav, is just like

0:06:14 > 0:06:16'this older vampire who

0:06:16 > 0:06:18'grew up in the medieval times.

0:06:18 > 0:06:21'And, you know, to be living this long

0:06:21 > 0:06:24'and to have seen the things that he's seen

0:06:24 > 0:06:27'and still, like, kind of have it together,

0:06:27 > 0:06:29'I mean, hats off to him.'

0:06:29 > 0:06:31Bloody hell!

0:06:31 > 0:06:32Sorry!

0:06:32 > 0:06:34'He's a really great guy,

0:06:34 > 0:06:36'a bit a of a pervert.

0:06:36 > 0:06:39'He has some pretty old ideas about things.'

0:06:39 > 0:06:42We should get some slaves!

0:06:42 > 0:06:45'When I first became a vampire...'

0:06:45 > 0:06:47..I was quite tyrannical.

0:06:47 > 0:06:48I was known for

0:06:48 > 0:06:51torturing a lot of people.

0:06:51 > 0:06:54OMINOUS MUSIC

0:06:54 > 0:06:57This is my torture chamber.

0:06:57 > 0:07:00I don't come in here often any more.

0:07:00 > 0:07:04I tended to torture when I was in a bad place.

0:07:04 > 0:07:07My thing was, I would poke someone

0:07:07 > 0:07:08with implements.

0:07:08 > 0:07:11I was known as "Vladislav the Poker".

0:07:13 > 0:07:15It's been like this the whole time...

0:07:15 > 0:07:19- OK, so... - 'Viago is a little...pedantic.'

0:07:19 > 0:07:21The washing and the rubbish, I did that.

0:07:21 > 0:07:25Deacon, on dishes, and it's still hasn't moved in five years!

0:07:25 > 0:07:28He was an 18th-century dandy,

0:07:28 > 0:07:30so he can be very fussy.

0:07:30 > 0:07:32He nags and nags...

0:07:32 > 0:07:34..In the lounge the other day

0:07:34 > 0:07:37and there was blood all over my nice antique couch.

0:07:37 > 0:07:39Which one, the red one?

0:07:39 > 0:07:41Well, it's red now, yeah.

0:07:41 > 0:07:44If you're going to eat a victim on my nice, clean couch,

0:07:44 > 0:07:46put down some newspaper on the floor

0:07:46 > 0:07:47and some towels. It's not hard to do.

0:07:47 > 0:07:51We're vampires! We don't put down towels!

0:07:51 > 0:07:53Some vampires do.

0:07:53 > 0:07:55Well, not serious ones!

0:07:55 > 0:07:58'When you get four vampires in a flat

0:07:58 > 0:08:00'obviously there's going to be a lot of tension.'

0:08:00 > 0:08:04There's tension in any... any flatting situation.

0:08:04 > 0:08:06It's settled, then. We'll all do our jobs,

0:08:06 > 0:08:08starting with a certain Deacon...

0:08:08 > 0:08:10I will do my dishes!

0:08:30 > 0:08:32This is bullshit.

0:08:34 > 0:08:37MUSIC: You're Dead by Norma Tanega

0:08:57 > 0:09:00# Don't sing if you want to live long

0:09:00 > 0:09:02# They have no use for your song

0:09:02 > 0:09:05# You're dead, you're dead, you're dead

0:09:05 > 0:09:09# You're dead and out of this world... #

0:09:09 > 0:09:12Me, I became a vampire when I was 16.

0:09:12 > 0:09:16That is why I always look 16.

0:09:16 > 0:09:20In those days, of course, life was tough for a 16-year-old.

0:09:20 > 0:09:22# ..You'll never get a second chance

0:09:22 > 0:09:25# Plan all your moves in advance

0:09:25 > 0:09:28# Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead

0:09:28 > 0:09:30# Stay dead and out of this world... #

0:09:30 > 0:09:33Vampires have had a pretty bad rep.

0:09:33 > 0:09:37We're not these mopey old creatures who live in castles.

0:09:37 > 0:09:40And while some...most of us are, a lot are,

0:09:40 > 0:09:43but there are also those of us who like to flat together in

0:09:43 > 0:09:46really small countries like New Zealand.

0:09:46 > 0:09:48# ..Don't ever talk with your eyes

0:09:48 > 0:09:50# Make sure that you compromise

0:09:50 > 0:09:52# You're dead, you're dead

0:09:52 > 0:09:53# You're dead

0:09:53 > 0:09:55# You're dead and out of this world... #

0:09:55 > 0:09:58I was a Nazi vampire.

0:10:04 > 0:10:07After the war, which the Nazi's lost...

0:10:07 > 0:10:10I don't know if you know that the Nazi's lost

0:10:10 > 0:10:11that war.

0:10:11 > 0:10:13If you were a Nazi, after the war...

0:10:14 > 0:10:16..and if you were a vampire...

0:10:18 > 0:10:21..and if you were a Nazi vampire...

0:10:21 > 0:10:23No way.

0:10:23 > 0:10:24I was out of there.

0:10:24 > 0:10:27# ..Long gone, long gone

0:10:27 > 0:10:29# Long gone and out of this world

0:10:42 > 0:10:44# When you smile and it tears your face

0:10:44 > 0:10:47# It's time for the inhuman race

0:10:47 > 0:10:49# You're down, you're down

0:10:49 > 0:10:52# You're down and out of this world. #

0:11:07 > 0:11:10Yah, I came to this country for love.

0:11:10 > 0:11:13Uh, there was a girl. Human girl.

0:11:13 > 0:11:15And...

0:11:15 > 0:11:16..I...

0:11:16 > 0:11:18..thought she was fantastic. She was...

0:11:18 > 0:11:20..absolutely amazing.

0:11:20 > 0:11:21I was smitten.

0:11:21 > 0:11:25Her family emigrated to New Zealand.

0:11:25 > 0:11:27And I thought,

0:11:27 > 0:11:28"You know what, to hell with it.

0:11:28 > 0:11:32"I'm going to go. I'm going to chase her and tell her how I feel."

0:11:32 > 0:11:34I told my servant Phillip,

0:11:34 > 0:11:36"Send me to New Zealand."

0:11:36 > 0:11:39He put the wrong postage on my coffin,

0:11:39 > 0:11:42so the whole journey took about 18 months.

0:11:44 > 0:11:46And when I got here, she had

0:11:46 > 0:11:48found someone else.

0:11:49 > 0:11:52She had fallen in love.

0:11:52 > 0:11:54And...

0:11:54 > 0:11:55She was married.

0:12:06 > 0:12:08She gave me this before she left.

0:12:10 > 0:12:11There she is.

0:12:12 > 0:12:15That's me, I put myself in there too.

0:12:17 > 0:12:19She told me it was pure silver.

0:12:20 > 0:12:21Unfortunately...

0:12:21 > 0:12:24..we vampires can not wear silver.

0:12:31 > 0:12:32FAINT SIZZLING

0:12:44 > 0:12:46Yeah...

0:12:47 > 0:12:50It's about as long as I can wear that.

0:12:56 > 0:12:59TRUMPET PLAYS OUT OF TUNE

0:13:14 > 0:13:18Tonight, we are going out into Wellington Central.

0:13:18 > 0:13:19It is important that we look good.

0:13:19 > 0:13:21Yeah, it's really good. Yeah.

0:13:21 > 0:13:26One of the unfortunate things about not having a reflection is that you...

0:13:26 > 0:13:28..don't know exactly what you look like.

0:13:28 > 0:13:30Wooooh!

0:13:30 > 0:13:31Look!

0:13:31 > 0:13:34A ghost cup!

0:13:34 > 0:13:36Floating all by itself!

0:13:36 > 0:13:38We can give each other feedback

0:13:38 > 0:13:41and help each other out until we're looking great.

0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yes, some of our clothes are from victims.

0:13:44 > 0:13:46We might bite someone and then

0:13:46 > 0:13:48you think, "Ooh, those are some nice pants!"

0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Deal with these...- No! Change it!

0:13:50 > 0:13:53When you are a vampire, you become very sexy.

0:13:57 > 0:14:00We are trying to attract victims to us.

0:14:00 > 0:14:01Not sure about the waist coat.

0:14:01 > 0:14:05I go for a look which I call Dead But Delicious.

0:14:05 > 0:14:06We are the bait.

0:14:06 > 0:14:09But we're also the trap.

0:14:09 > 0:14:10Hello, ladies.

0:14:31 > 0:14:34And, voila, we are ready to go into town and party!

0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Vampire...- Vampire style.

0:14:45 > 0:14:48When we go into town, we must try to blend in.

0:14:48 > 0:14:50Just walking the streets.

0:14:50 > 0:14:52Coming into town. Um, it's really cool because

0:14:52 > 0:14:54just for one brief moment

0:14:54 > 0:14:55- I feel...- Homos!

0:15:02 > 0:15:05The trouble with being a vampire is you

0:15:05 > 0:15:07have to be invited in, to go in.

0:15:07 > 0:15:10We would like to come into the bar, please.

0:15:10 > 0:15:11Invite us into the bar, please.

0:15:11 > 0:15:13Keep walking.

0:15:13 > 0:15:15Will you invite us in!

0:15:15 > 0:15:18If the humans found out what we were...

0:15:18 > 0:15:20..they would destroy us.

0:15:20 > 0:15:24There are between 60 and 70 vampires in the greater Wellington region.

0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Obvious vampire.- Jolene!

0:15:26 > 0:15:28Hello! How embarrassing!

0:15:28 > 0:15:31He's a guy I used to work with when I was human.

0:15:31 > 0:15:33- Is he gone? - Yeah, he's gone.

0:15:33 > 0:15:34I've been draining him all night.

0:15:34 > 0:15:36Been a very thirsty girl.

0:15:36 > 0:15:39Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl,

0:15:39 > 0:15:40you are always going to look the same age.

0:15:40 > 0:15:43What are you doing tonight? Going to kill some perverts?

0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Yeah, we're meeting a paedophile. - Cool.

0:15:45 > 0:15:47OK, let's just go, please.

0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Have a good night, guys! - Yeah, you have a good night!

0:15:49 > 0:15:53The Big Kumara is vampire owned and operated, so we can always get in.

0:15:53 > 0:15:56It's the hottest night spot for vampires in Wellington.

0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Come on in, guys, come on in. - Thank you.

0:16:07 > 0:16:10Perhaps you could bring some people to the house.

0:16:10 > 0:16:12- Sure.- Perhaps some virgins?

0:16:12 > 0:16:13Virgins? Yep, OK.

0:16:13 > 0:16:16Any kind of preference in terms of gender or...?

0:16:16 > 0:16:17Maybe some ladies?

0:16:17 > 0:16:19Yep. Ladies.

0:16:19 > 0:16:21Perhaps a guy?

0:16:21 > 0:16:22One of each?

0:16:22 > 0:16:24One of each should be cool.

0:16:24 > 0:16:26'My relationship with Deacon is...'

0:16:26 > 0:16:29..well, I'm his familiar. He's my Master.

0:16:29 > 0:16:32He tells me what to do, I do it.

0:16:34 > 0:16:36We have that kind of master-servant relationship

0:16:36 > 0:16:37which works nicely, actually.

0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Hello!- Hello. - Oh, it's a little bit of blood.

0:16:39 > 0:16:42Um, my husband, he's a... a haemophiliac.

0:16:42 > 0:16:45- You know, someone who bleeds a lot. - Yeah.

0:16:45 > 0:16:47Any kind of age range?

0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Young.- But not...not kids?

0:16:49 > 0:16:50Not kids.

0:16:50 > 0:16:5218 to 30?

0:16:52 > 0:16:54Definitely younger than yourself.

0:16:54 > 0:16:56OK, so 18 to 30.

0:16:56 > 0:16:58- So it's a dinner party? I'll be there?- Yes!

0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Dinner party.- The guys'll be there?

0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Yes.- We will all be there? - Yes, we will dress up.

0:17:02 > 0:17:04- OK, great.- And then...eat them.

0:17:04 > 0:17:06- OK!- Should be fun.- Great.

0:17:06 > 0:17:09I was just wondering if we could talk about the...

0:17:09 > 0:17:12Do you know of a night dentist? Because I have this thing here.

0:17:12 > 0:17:15I was just wondering if we could talk about the deal.

0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Hm?- The deal.

0:17:17 > 0:17:20- The dishes?- No, the...

0:17:20 > 0:17:24The deal is that he is going to give me eternal life.

0:17:24 > 0:17:26Um, which is...

0:17:27 > 0:17:28..very exciting.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30I feel like I've kind of reached my potential

0:17:30 > 0:17:33and I wouldn't want to kind of get any older before I kind of...

0:17:33 > 0:17:35I just feel like I'm the best version of myself that I can be.

0:17:35 > 0:17:38It's been four and a half years and I just...I just...

0:17:38 > 0:17:40It's doing your pot plants and your dry-cleaning.

0:17:40 > 0:17:43- I'm now doing your dishes and... - And the dentist.

0:17:43 > 0:17:45And the dentist. It's just taking an awful long time,

0:17:45 > 0:17:48- so I was just wondering... - Be gone!- OK.

0:17:48 > 0:17:50- I'll see you later!- OK.

0:18:00 > 0:18:04'One of the most unfortunate things about being a vampire is that...

0:18:05 > 0:18:08'..you have to drink human blood.

0:18:08 > 0:18:10'I like to make a real evening of it.'

0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Lovely.- 'Play some music.

0:18:12 > 0:18:14'Maybe give them some nice wine.

0:18:14 > 0:18:16'It's their last moment alive

0:18:16 > 0:18:18'so why not make it a nice experience?'

0:18:20 > 0:18:22So...

0:18:22 > 0:18:24Tell me what you do, what do you...?

0:18:24 > 0:18:26I'm thinking about going to uni, actually.

0:18:26 > 0:18:28Oh, you are? Let's put this over there.

0:18:30 > 0:18:32University, yeah?

0:18:32 > 0:18:35Yeah, but after that, I'm gonna travel.

0:18:35 > 0:18:39Yeah. I really wanted to go overseas for ages, so...

0:18:39 > 0:18:41I'm saving up and I'm going to go to Spain

0:18:41 > 0:18:43and Italy and London and...

0:18:43 > 0:18:45Yeah.

0:18:47 > 0:18:49OK. Excuse me.

0:18:49 > 0:18:51Just put that there.

0:18:56 > 0:18:57There we go.

0:19:04 > 0:19:07Shit! Shit!

0:19:13 > 0:19:16Well, that didn't go so great.

0:19:16 > 0:19:19Um, I hit the main artery.

0:19:20 > 0:19:24So, yeah, it's a real mess in there, um...

0:19:24 > 0:19:27On the upside, I think she had a really good time.

0:19:33 > 0:19:35MIC RUMBLES

0:19:44 > 0:19:47So, it's quite late and, uh...

0:19:47 > 0:19:50I've managed to find a woman up, watching television.

0:19:50 > 0:19:53And, uh, she seems like she'd be a good victim.

0:19:55 > 0:19:57I'm just going to use hypnosis on her...

0:20:00 > 0:20:01See me...

0:20:03 > 0:20:05See me...

0:20:07 > 0:20:10She can't, she can't see me from that angle.

0:20:10 > 0:20:13Vladislav used to be extremely powerful.

0:20:13 > 0:20:15He could hypnotise crowds of people.

0:20:15 > 0:20:18Great orgies. 20, 30 women.

0:20:18 > 0:20:20He could turn into all sorts of animals.

0:20:20 > 0:20:22But now he never gets the faces right.

0:20:22 > 0:20:25He would kill anybody. Men, women.

0:20:25 > 0:20:28Children. Burning everything.

0:20:28 > 0:20:29It was totally great.

0:20:29 > 0:20:33But he suffered a humiliating defeat

0:20:33 > 0:20:35at the hands of his arch nemesis -

0:20:35 > 0:20:37The Beast.

0:20:37 > 0:20:40OMINOUS MUSIC

0:20:45 > 0:20:47And he's never been the same.

0:20:47 > 0:20:48See me...

0:20:50 > 0:20:52See me...

0:20:53 > 0:20:56See me...

0:20:56 > 0:20:57HE RAPS THE GLASS

0:20:57 > 0:20:59See me...

0:21:01 > 0:21:03Would you like to come inside?

0:21:09 > 0:21:13OMINOUS MUSIC

0:21:23 > 0:21:25KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:21:25 > 0:21:27Ah!

0:21:27 > 0:21:30- Jackie, welcome! Come in.- Hello.

0:21:30 > 0:21:32This is Nick. Ex-ex boyfriend.

0:21:32 > 0:21:33- And Josephine.- Nice house.

0:21:33 > 0:21:36And this is Deacon, my overseas friend from Europe.

0:21:36 > 0:21:39'Deacon and his friends need...

0:21:39 > 0:21:40'..victims.'

0:21:40 > 0:21:43Hi! Please come in, welcome.

0:21:43 > 0:21:45They can't be people that...

0:21:45 > 0:21:47..I actually

0:21:47 > 0:21:50invest in or like because, of course, they will become victims.

0:21:50 > 0:21:52Hi! Josephine?

0:21:52 > 0:21:55No, I sat next to you in English. Remember?

0:21:55 > 0:21:58Um, you used to call me the Jaxorcist?

0:21:58 > 0:22:00No, you did. No, you did. Yeah.

0:22:00 > 0:22:02No, you started that.

0:22:02 > 0:22:04You were the one that started calling me that

0:22:04 > 0:22:06and then it kind of caught on. Yeah.

0:22:06 > 0:22:09OK, bye, then. Bye.

0:22:09 > 0:22:10She's in.

0:22:10 > 0:22:14GRAMOPHONE MUSIC DRONES UP TO SPEED

0:22:14 > 0:22:16Do you like that, Nick?

0:22:16 > 0:22:17Yep, it's nice.

0:22:19 > 0:22:22I will go and prepare dinner.

0:22:22 > 0:22:23Neat.

0:22:25 > 0:22:27Nick, are you a virgin at all?

0:22:27 > 0:22:29Um, what?

0:22:29 > 0:22:31Doesn't seem like... Are... Are you a virgin?

0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Yes.- Um, no.

0:22:34 > 0:22:36You were a virgin when we were seeing each other?

0:22:36 > 0:22:37Yeah, I was 12.

0:22:37 > 0:22:38You said he was a virgin.

0:22:38 > 0:22:41I think we drink virgin blood because...

0:22:41 > 0:22:42it sounds cool.

0:22:42 > 0:22:44I think of it like this.

0:22:44 > 0:22:47If you were going to eat a sandwich,

0:22:47 > 0:22:51you would just enjoy it more if you knew no-one had fucked it.

0:22:51 > 0:22:53Let's concentrate on Josephine, then.

0:22:53 > 0:22:55Are you a virgin?

0:22:55 > 0:22:56I'm not, no.

0:22:56 > 0:22:57OK, I'm really sorry.

0:22:57 > 0:22:59Because I totally

0:22:59 > 0:23:00pinned her as a virgin.

0:23:00 > 0:23:04She looks like a virgin. She talks like a virgin, I mean...

0:23:04 > 0:23:06Who would have sex with her? I wouldn't.

0:23:06 > 0:23:08I would.

0:23:08 > 0:23:09Oh.

0:23:11 > 0:23:12OK, good.

0:23:12 > 0:23:15- It's two dinners... Yum. - Nick.

0:23:15 > 0:23:17Do you like bisgetti?

0:23:17 > 0:23:19Uh...yep. I usually like it.

0:23:19 > 0:23:21But...be better if it was warm.

0:23:21 > 0:23:23'So, this is my favourite trick.'

0:23:23 > 0:23:27We present our guest with a plate of bisgetti.

0:23:27 > 0:23:31And then I will say, "Why don't you eat some bisgetti?"

0:23:31 > 0:23:32Please, Nick.

0:23:32 > 0:23:33Eat some bisgetti.

0:23:35 > 0:23:39I didn't realise you enjoyed eating worms, Nick.

0:23:39 > 0:23:42- No...- They are worms.

0:23:42 > 0:23:44There's worms wiggling around in my plate.

0:23:44 > 0:23:46It is worm-like, but not actually...

0:23:46 > 0:23:49We stole that idea from The Lost Boys.

0:23:49 > 0:23:51But I put a nice twist on it.

0:23:51 > 0:23:52Nick.

0:23:52 > 0:23:55How does it feel to have a snake for a penis?

0:23:56 > 0:23:59Jackie? My penis has disappeared. It's a cobra snake.

0:23:59 > 0:24:02Nobody is gonna mistake your penis for a cobra, Nick, OK?

0:24:02 > 0:24:04- Believe me.- What have you put in my spaghetti?

0:24:04 > 0:24:06No, it is just a normal penis.

0:24:06 > 0:24:08I'm out. I'm out.

0:24:08 > 0:24:10Josephine?

0:24:10 > 0:24:12Do you like bisgetti?

0:24:14 > 0:24:15Look, these freaks...

0:24:15 > 0:24:19..spike my spaghetti, make my cock turn into a snake. It is not cool.

0:24:19 > 0:24:20Not cool.

0:24:26 > 0:24:28You don't think this is weird?

0:24:29 > 0:24:30For fuck's sakes...

0:24:32 > 0:24:34CAR LOCKING SYSTEM CHIRPS

0:24:36 > 0:24:38Jackie?!

0:24:38 > 0:24:40Jackie!

0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Sorry, Nick. - What are you doing?!

0:24:43 > 0:24:44Jackie!

0:24:49 > 0:24:51Shit!

0:24:52 > 0:24:55BAT SCREECHES

0:24:56 > 0:24:59- YOWLING - What the fuck?!

0:25:00 > 0:25:02No. No.

0:25:03 > 0:25:05GUTTURAL HISSING

0:25:05 > 0:25:09SNARLING AND HISSING

0:25:15 > 0:25:17SNARLING, DOOR RATTLES

0:25:17 > 0:25:18Fuck off.

0:25:18 > 0:25:20NOISES CEASE

0:25:22 > 0:25:23Where am I?

0:25:44 > 0:25:46- THEY HISS - Fuck.

0:25:49 > 0:25:50Fuck!

0:25:58 > 0:25:59VIAGO GIGGLES EXCITEDLY

0:25:59 > 0:26:01Freaks!

0:26:10 > 0:26:12Oh, no...

0:26:12 > 0:26:14Petyr got him.

0:26:14 > 0:26:15Poor guy...

0:26:15 > 0:26:17Who let Petyr out?

0:26:40 > 0:26:43FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:12 > 0:27:14- KNOCKING AT WINDOW - Hey, guys!

0:27:16 > 0:27:18Hey, what are you guys doing?

0:27:18 > 0:27:20What are you doing, Nick?

0:27:20 > 0:27:21Come into the house.

0:27:23 > 0:27:24'Hi, my name is Nick.' Hey, guys.

0:27:24 > 0:27:26'I've been a vampire for two months.'

0:27:27 > 0:27:30'Probably, I reckon, the best thing about being a vampire is flying.

0:27:30 > 0:27:32'Like I've always wanted to...'

0:27:32 > 0:27:34I think everyone has always wanted to fly and now I can do it.

0:27:40 > 0:27:42Oh...

0:27:45 > 0:27:48Nick, why don't you use the front door?

0:27:49 > 0:27:51Why would I? I'm flying.

0:27:51 > 0:27:52Petyr bit me.

0:27:52 > 0:27:53Sucked all my blood out.

0:27:53 > 0:27:55I woke up in his basement and...

0:27:55 > 0:27:56..he offered me some blood.

0:27:56 > 0:27:58I just thought it was something...

0:27:58 > 0:28:00..some German thing that these guys do.

0:28:00 > 0:28:03This transition, into becoming a vampire, was pretty hard.

0:28:03 > 0:28:05I looked like shit to start off with,

0:28:05 > 0:28:07like, I had a massive gash on my neck.

0:28:07 > 0:28:09Like you could see the inside of my neck.

0:28:09 > 0:28:11I had blood all over my top.

0:28:11 > 0:28:13And then I came home and I was sweating.

0:28:13 > 0:28:15I was either really hot or really cold.

0:28:15 > 0:28:18It was like a hang-over times ten, I reckon. It was really bad.

0:28:24 > 0:28:26It was quite similar to having the flu.

0:28:26 > 0:28:29Except the only difference would probably be

0:28:29 > 0:28:31that my eyes bleed heaps.

0:28:32 > 0:28:34Are you guys not cold?

0:28:34 > 0:28:36No, I can't really explain it.

0:28:36 > 0:28:38It's like, yeah, real hot-and-cold

0:28:38 > 0:28:40and like bloody eyes and flying and stuff.

0:28:40 > 0:28:42The neighbours can see you flying around the house.

0:28:42 > 0:28:44You want to draw attention to this house, hm?

0:28:44 > 0:28:47You've got a whole...documentary crew following you around.

0:28:47 > 0:28:49I am doing an erotic dance for my friends

0:28:49 > 0:28:51and you ruined it. I was in the zone.

0:28:51 > 0:28:52My friends were loving it.

0:28:52 > 0:28:54I love it. I saw the end of it. It looked great.

0:28:54 > 0:28:57'I don't, I don't know, if I'm, if I'm accepted yet.

0:28:57 > 0:28:59'But... I don't know. I think it's getting there.

0:28:59 > 0:29:01'I know they're old and stuff, but they're quite naive'

0:29:01 > 0:29:03when it comes to the real world.

0:29:03 > 0:29:05So...I don't know, it would be cool to just...

0:29:05 > 0:29:08..hang out with them. They can teach me some stuff.

0:29:08 > 0:29:09I can probably teach them a few things.

0:29:16 > 0:29:19At the start it was like, "Oh, no, like I'm...

0:29:19 > 0:29:20"..I'm dead."

0:29:20 > 0:29:23It's kind of affected my friendship with normal people,

0:29:23 > 0:29:24my family and stuff.

0:29:24 > 0:29:27But, the way I see it, I've got a whole new family.

0:29:27 > 0:29:31They accept me for who I am. I accept them for who they are.

0:29:31 > 0:29:34Even though... one of them killed me.

0:29:34 > 0:29:35Where should we go tonight?

0:29:35 > 0:29:36Let's go to The Big Kumara.

0:29:36 > 0:29:39- Why don't we go to Boogie Wonderland?- We never get in to Boogie Wonderland.

0:29:39 > 0:29:41My friend Richard's the bouncer. He can get us in.

0:29:41 > 0:29:44- What? Really? - I'll invite us in.

0:29:44 > 0:29:46- Stu is keen, Stu loves it. - He will come with us too?

0:29:46 > 0:29:48Ah, this is my friend Stu.

0:29:48 > 0:29:51- Hey. - He works in computers and stuff.

0:29:51 > 0:29:52Originally he went out with my sister.

0:29:52 > 0:29:54And then they broke up.

0:29:54 > 0:29:57I didn't really get into it, it's got nothing to do with me.

0:29:57 > 0:29:59And, um... He can't hear me.

0:30:01 > 0:30:03Yeah, so basically...

0:30:03 > 0:30:05Stu doesn't know that I'm a vampire

0:30:05 > 0:30:07and he doesn't know that my friends are vampires.

0:30:07 > 0:30:10He just thinks I've just met some colourful friends.

0:30:10 > 0:30:11This is jasmine...

0:30:11 > 0:30:12I brought him round to the house

0:30:12 > 0:30:14and they all thought I'd brought a meal for everyone.

0:30:14 > 0:30:17Just like... it really, really sucks

0:30:17 > 0:30:19that I can't eat him.

0:30:19 > 0:30:22I just want to like...

0:30:23 > 0:30:25Look at it. He's the reddest guy I know.

0:30:25 > 0:30:28Right, you can hear me.

0:30:28 > 0:30:31- Like computer based and stuff, heh, mainly?- Yeah, yeah.

0:30:31 > 0:30:33- Geodatabases. - Yeah, like computers mainly.

0:30:35 > 0:30:38Let's have a vote for Boogie Wonderland or The Big Kumara.

0:30:38 > 0:30:40Big Kumara!

0:30:42 > 0:30:43Great!

0:30:44 > 0:30:45Come on, Stu, hurry up.

0:30:46 > 0:30:49I don't think Nick should have been turned into a vampire.

0:30:50 > 0:30:52He's such a dick.

0:30:54 > 0:30:56Looking great, man! Gentlemen, you are most welcome!

0:31:04 > 0:31:06We're in Boogie Wonderland!

0:31:06 > 0:31:12Here we are at Boogie Wonderland and it is so much fun.

0:31:12 > 0:31:15They have an electric floor. This is amazing!

0:31:15 > 0:31:17I'm so happy to be here.

0:31:17 > 0:31:19This place is pretty cheesy.

0:31:19 > 0:31:22Also, did you see the jacket he wore?

0:31:22 > 0:31:24He's wearing the same jacket as me.

0:31:24 > 0:31:26- It's not exactly the same. - It's pretty close.

0:31:33 > 0:31:35I'm just loving being a vampire at the moment.

0:31:41 > 0:31:43Or there is the Fat Lady's Arms.

0:31:43 > 0:31:45Er, on Wednesday's they do like a fear factor competition.

0:31:45 > 0:31:49You can win, like, T-shirts and hats and small prizes.

0:31:49 > 0:31:51I can smell werewolves.

0:31:51 > 0:31:53OK, we're just about to walk past some werewolves

0:31:53 > 0:31:55so some shit might go down!

0:31:55 > 0:31:57Look out, guys. Don't catch fleas.

0:31:57 > 0:31:58- What's that, mate?- Deacon!

0:31:58 > 0:32:00- Sorry, what?- Keep going, keep walking. Keep walking!

0:32:00 > 0:32:03- We heard that, mate. We've got sensitive hearing. - Have you?- Yeah.

0:32:03 > 0:32:05What are you filming? It's a music video, is it?

0:32:05 > 0:32:06We don't want any trouble.

0:32:06 > 0:32:09- Why did you start it?- I do. Have I got your heckles up?

0:32:09 > 0:32:12Huh? Why don't you girls smell your own crotches, huh?

0:32:12 > 0:32:14- Come on... - What are you talking about?

0:32:14 > 0:32:16We don't smell our own crotches. We smell each other's crotches.

0:32:16 > 0:32:18And it's a...form of...greeting.

0:32:18 > 0:32:20- You're on camera, mate, don't, don't...- What?

0:32:20 > 0:32:22It's OK, cos I know this guy.

0:32:22 > 0:32:23It's Count Fagula.

0:32:23 > 0:32:24THEY ALL LAUGH

0:32:24 > 0:32:26Hey, hey, hey! Don't swear.

0:32:26 > 0:32:28- Sorry...they...they... - We're werewolves.

0:32:28 > 0:32:29- Not swearwolves.- What are we?

0:32:29 > 0:32:31We're werewolves, not swearwolves.

0:32:31 > 0:32:34- No, listen, that's... - That's a really offensive word to call people.

0:32:34 > 0:32:36Well, at least you're talking about a bundle of sticks.

0:32:36 > 0:32:39Chase this bundle of sticks, werewolves!

0:32:39 > 0:32:41- No, no, no!- Don't get it! Nathan, it's not real.

0:32:41 > 0:32:43He's just going to take off his gloves.

0:32:43 > 0:32:45Ah, shit, man! What the fuck did you do that for?

0:32:45 > 0:32:48Hey! Don't swear. We're gonna lose it. We're gonna lose it.

0:32:48 > 0:32:50- WEREWOLF SNARLS Whoa, whoa!- Hey.- Calm down!

0:32:50 > 0:32:52- Shit, I've still got my glasses! - Dion! Dion!

0:32:52 > 0:32:54Whoa, whoa, whoa!

0:32:55 > 0:32:57Hey, hey, hey, hey! DION SNARLS

0:32:57 > 0:32:59Do the breathing! Do the breathing.

0:32:59 > 0:33:01- Do the breathing. - Count to ten, mate. Count to ten.

0:33:01 > 0:33:04- Come on.- Hold it. Count to ten, human again.

0:33:04 > 0:33:06- Ten, human again.- All right, it's not a full moon.

0:33:06 > 0:33:09- Thanks a lot, guys. Enjoy your night, yeah?- You should be ashamed.

0:33:09 > 0:33:11Great, we didn't want this to happen.

0:33:11 > 0:33:15VAMPIRES HISS, WEREWOLVES HOWL

0:33:17 > 0:33:20- Come on, guys.- Hey! Say it! Don't spray it, bitch!

0:33:20 > 0:33:24- Declan! Why are you swearing all the time?!- Well, he riled me...

0:33:24 > 0:33:26- Were they actually werewolves? - Yeah.

0:33:26 > 0:33:27Are you OK, Stu?

0:33:30 > 0:33:32- NICK:- 'I just don't really know how to approach this,

0:33:32 > 0:33:34'cos I've never done it before.'

0:33:34 > 0:33:36Um, and he is a good friend.

0:33:36 > 0:33:38And I don't wanna...

0:33:38 > 0:33:40..I don't want to break that friendship but...

0:33:40 > 0:33:44..then again, what do you do when someone tells you that they're a vampire?

0:33:44 > 0:33:46'I'm expecting him to be angry.

0:33:46 > 0:33:47'He might be scared.

0:33:47 > 0:33:50'I'm expecting lot of things to bubble to the surface.'

0:33:50 > 0:33:53You probably noticed, it has been...

0:33:53 > 0:33:55I've been going through a few changes lately.

0:33:56 > 0:33:58- Yeah.- Yeah?- Yeah.

0:33:58 > 0:34:00Like...

0:34:00 > 0:34:02I don't show up for lunch any more.

0:34:02 > 0:34:04- Yeah.- And how I've...

0:34:04 > 0:34:06changed our... all our tennis games

0:34:06 > 0:34:09- to night-time tennis games.- Right.

0:34:09 > 0:34:12And how you went from beating me every time

0:34:12 > 0:34:14and how I've won the last three?

0:34:15 > 0:34:17Yeah.

0:34:17 > 0:34:18So...

0:34:18 > 0:34:20The reason I brought you here...

0:34:20 > 0:34:22..is to tell you that...

0:34:23 > 0:34:24..I'm a vampire.

0:34:28 > 0:34:29'Stu took it pretty well.

0:34:29 > 0:34:31'He's definitely my best mate.

0:34:31 > 0:34:32'And I'm not gonna eat him.'

0:34:32 > 0:34:34But if they ever offer you spaghetti...

0:34:34 > 0:34:36..um...you shouldn't eat it.

0:34:38 > 0:34:40I think they offered me biscotti.

0:34:40 > 0:34:42Vampire mates don't eat human mates.

0:34:42 > 0:34:44And no matter how much I wanted to eat him,

0:34:44 > 0:34:46I would never eat him cos he's my mate.

0:34:46 > 0:34:48- Eh, Stu?- Yeah.

0:34:48 > 0:34:49Yeah.

0:34:51 > 0:34:56Stu is great. We really like him.

0:34:56 > 0:34:59At first I wanted to kill him,

0:34:59 > 0:35:02but now I'm glad I've spent the time to get to know him.

0:35:02 > 0:35:06Yeah, of course he looks delicious with his big red cheeks.

0:35:06 > 0:35:10But we've all got an agreement that we're not going to eat Stu.

0:35:10 > 0:35:11- Right?- Right.

0:35:11 > 0:35:14The guys upstairs, they... They're loving him.

0:35:14 > 0:35:18At the start they were a bit, "Who's this human you're bringing into the house?"

0:35:18 > 0:35:19But it took them literally two minutes and

0:35:19 > 0:35:22they like him more than they like me, I reckon.

0:35:22 > 0:35:25I'm knitting a scarf for Stu.

0:35:25 > 0:35:27Try and attack. Use your legs.

0:35:28 > 0:35:29Wow!

0:35:29 > 0:35:33Step back... Punching high.

0:35:33 > 0:35:35- Yep.- Hi.- Yep.

0:35:35 > 0:35:37I'm just, what I'm trying to say is...

0:35:37 > 0:35:38Cos I know that you...

0:35:38 > 0:35:40..you turned me into a vampire.

0:35:40 > 0:35:42Maybe don't do that to him.

0:35:42 > 0:35:44He's a...vegetarian.

0:35:44 > 0:35:46Last thing he'd want to do is eat,

0:35:46 > 0:35:49a live being or eat blood or eat meat...

0:35:49 > 0:35:51- I am controlling this. - Get it, get it!

0:35:51 > 0:35:55Quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward

0:35:55 > 0:35:57if you're not paying attention.

0:35:57 > 0:35:59PHONE BEEPS

0:35:59 > 0:36:00One message received.

0:36:04 > 0:36:07There is a crucifix behind you.

0:36:07 > 0:36:10So, down on there, like halfway down will focus it.

0:36:10 > 0:36:11Maybe smile.

0:36:15 > 0:36:18- Anything you want to find, you... - Yeah.

0:36:18 > 0:36:20You can type your name here?

0:36:20 > 0:36:24I've lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

0:36:24 > 0:36:26Yes, now Google it.

0:36:26 > 0:36:30Stu is the first human friend that I've had for long time.

0:36:30 > 0:36:33With humans, there's a tendency to die.

0:36:34 > 0:36:35Yeah.

0:36:35 > 0:36:37We can look at her photos.

0:36:37 > 0:36:39- Ah, oh, yes.- Or we can poke her.

0:36:41 > 0:36:43Yes.

0:36:43 > 0:36:45Can we see a movie of a sunrise?

0:36:46 > 0:36:48- What? Shit!- Whoo...

0:36:48 > 0:36:50Nice...

0:36:50 > 0:36:53If you push images, than we can see pictures of virgins.

0:36:53 > 0:36:55- Ah, yes. Yes. - Yah, yah...

0:36:57 > 0:37:01I don't think she's a virgin if she's doing that.

0:37:01 > 0:37:04CHORAL MUSIC ON GRAMOPHONE

0:37:09 > 0:37:11DEACON SCRATCHES THE RECORD

0:37:14 > 0:37:15There he is, yeah.

0:37:15 > 0:37:17This is my old servant, Phillip.

0:37:17 > 0:37:20- So, we're gonna call him. - Yeah.

0:37:20 > 0:37:21And...

0:37:21 > 0:37:23..screen...

0:37:27 > 0:37:29My God, that's him, that's him, that's Phillip.

0:37:29 > 0:37:31He looks so old!

0:37:31 > 0:37:33TRANSLATED FROM GERMAN

0:37:42 > 0:37:45REPLIES IN GERMAN

0:39:00 > 0:39:03- Data about where things are. - Like Google Maps?

0:39:03 > 0:39:07Yeah, kind of like Google Maps but, like, more layers of information.

0:39:07 > 0:39:09The movie Twilight, have you seen it?

0:39:09 > 0:39:10OK, I'm the main guy in Twilight.

0:39:10 > 0:39:13You know the main guy? Twilight? That's me.

0:39:13 > 0:39:15These cameras are following me around.

0:39:15 > 0:39:17They could have chosen anyone.

0:39:17 > 0:39:19How many people have you told you are a vampire?

0:39:19 > 0:39:21- Not many. - I heard that girl

0:39:21 > 0:39:23talking about that you said you were a vampire.

0:39:23 > 0:39:26- Yeah, I told her.- Who else? - Who did you tell?

0:39:26 > 0:39:28Uh, I told her hot friend.

0:39:28 > 0:39:31- You can't tell everyone... - WHISPERS:- ..that you're a vampire.

0:39:31 > 0:39:33- Who's that guy? - I don't know but I trust him.

0:39:33 > 0:39:36- You can't tell everyone.- I won't.

0:39:36 > 0:39:38I'm a vampire!

0:39:38 > 0:39:39THEY CHEER

0:39:39 > 0:39:41Vampire!

0:39:41 > 0:39:42Yeah, I've got a bit of an eye condition.

0:39:42 > 0:39:44What's wrong with them?

0:39:44 > 0:39:46Um, vampire eyes. Can't go into the sun.

0:39:46 > 0:39:49Oh, my God, are they your fangs?

0:39:49 > 0:39:50For real?

0:39:50 > 0:39:51For real, real.

0:39:51 > 0:39:53Too real, real.

0:39:53 > 0:39:55- I'm a vampire. - What, a vampire?- Yeah.

0:39:55 > 0:39:58- I'm a vampire hunter. - LAUGHING:- No, you're not!

0:39:58 > 0:40:00- I am.- You fucking piece of shit.

0:40:00 > 0:40:01I'll Skype you!

0:40:01 > 0:40:04- I float. I can transform into stuff. - Same.

0:40:04 > 0:40:06- No, you can't.- Yeah.

0:40:06 > 0:40:08I'll show you.

0:40:08 > 0:40:10Show me. Show me some of your vampire stuff.

0:40:10 > 0:40:11What have I got? Um...

0:40:16 > 0:40:18Don't lie about transforming into shit.

0:40:25 > 0:40:28- Twilight!- Shut up, Nick!

0:40:28 > 0:40:29You're not Twilight.

0:40:29 > 0:40:32- What's your problem? - You are my problem.

0:40:32 > 0:40:34Telling the world that we are vampires.

0:40:34 > 0:40:36I'll tell the whole world that you're an arsehole now.

0:40:36 > 0:40:38Shut up! Shut up!

0:40:38 > 0:40:39- You shut up!- Guys? - No, you shut up!

0:40:39 > 0:40:41- No, you shut up. - You shut up.

0:40:41 > 0:40:43- I'm Dracula, man! - You're not Dracula!- I'm Dracula!

0:40:43 > 0:40:46You don't even know who Dracula is! You idiot!

0:40:49 > 0:40:52- Ooh, bat fight! - Bat fight! Oh, yah, yah, yah!

0:40:52 > 0:40:54VIAGO GIGGLES EXCEITEDLY

0:40:54 > 0:40:55Oh, ho, ho!

0:40:59 > 0:41:01Ah, Deacon!

0:41:02 > 0:41:04That wasn't fair, man!

0:41:04 > 0:41:06My fucking jacket, man!

0:41:06 > 0:41:09I don't care about your stupid jacket.

0:41:09 > 0:41:11- Deacon! STU:- You OK, mate?

0:41:27 > 0:41:29- Hey, Stu?- Mm-hm?

0:41:29 > 0:41:32How's your worms?

0:41:32 > 0:41:33What?

0:41:33 > 0:41:35You're eating worms.

0:41:39 > 0:41:42Can you do that shit where you turn them into worms?

0:41:42 > 0:41:44- No.- Doesn't work on chips.

0:41:44 > 0:41:47Only works on things that already look like worms.

0:41:47 > 0:41:50- Maybe noodles. Do you want some noodles?- He knows now.

0:41:52 > 0:41:54Oh, no. I wouldn't eat that.

0:41:56 > 0:41:58Why?

0:42:07 > 0:42:09Are you OK, Nick?

0:42:10 > 0:42:11All right?

0:42:17 > 0:42:19He ate the chip.

0:42:19 > 0:42:21I can't eat salads now, great.

0:42:21 > 0:42:22I can't sunbathe.

0:42:22 > 0:42:24I can't watch daytime TV.

0:42:24 > 0:42:26I can if I... Yeah, I guess I could.

0:42:26 > 0:42:28More than ever just the chips.

0:42:28 > 0:42:30My favourite food. I can't eat chips.

0:42:31 > 0:42:33I don't... It's just... I hate...

0:42:33 > 0:42:36I'll say it - I'm over being a vampire. It's shit.

0:42:36 > 0:42:38So, don't...don't believe the hype.

0:42:44 > 0:42:46ELECTRICAL CRACKLING, BAT SCREECHES

0:42:46 > 0:42:48BANG, CAR ALARM BLARES

0:42:54 > 0:42:56'Jackie?!'

0:42:56 > 0:42:58KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:42:58 > 0:42:59Jackie, can I come in, please?

0:42:59 > 0:43:01- OK, off to bed, guys! - Hello, children!

0:43:01 > 0:43:04- Don't look at the man. - Hey, little children.

0:43:04 > 0:43:06Natasha, don't look at the man!

0:43:06 > 0:43:08I was going to bite you tonight.

0:43:08 > 0:43:12- Really?- But now I can't because there's this Nick being a vampire.

0:43:12 > 0:43:14Sorry, I thought you killed him two months ago.

0:43:14 > 0:43:16No, I didn't...no... He's a vampire.

0:43:16 > 0:43:19- What do you mean? - He jumped in front of your place.

0:43:20 > 0:43:23All I'm saying is that, um...

0:43:23 > 0:43:24You know, if I had a penis, I would have been...

0:43:24 > 0:43:27I would have been bitten years ago.

0:43:27 > 0:43:28I may have to penalise you.

0:43:29 > 0:43:32Perhaps another couple of years. Perhaps ten years.

0:43:32 > 0:43:35- Hm?- Like one big circle, just biting each other's dicks.

0:43:35 > 0:43:38You know, they don't even wear shirts, they wear blouses.

0:43:38 > 0:43:40It's just this big homoerotic dick-biting club.

0:43:40 > 0:43:43And I'm stuck here, ironing their fucking frills.

0:43:43 > 0:43:45Also clean the bathroom, please.

0:43:45 > 0:43:48There's blood everywhere. It is gruesome.

0:43:48 > 0:43:50OK, see you tomorrow.

0:43:55 > 0:43:56Off to bed, please.

0:44:08 > 0:44:10Katherine.

0:44:10 > 0:44:13She was so charming and nice.

0:44:13 > 0:44:15She was everything I wanted.

0:44:15 > 0:44:19Unfortunately... yeah, she was married.

0:44:19 > 0:44:21Sure, I wanted to kill the guy.

0:44:21 > 0:44:23I thought about chopping his head off,

0:44:23 > 0:44:27draining him of every drop of blood that he had.

0:44:27 > 0:44:29Who wouldn't?

0:44:29 > 0:44:33But then I also saw how happy she was.

0:44:33 > 0:44:36And that made me kind of happy.

0:44:36 > 0:44:39And I didn't want to ruin it for her,

0:44:39 > 0:44:44so I did the honourable thing and I just stepped back

0:44:44 > 0:44:46and let her live her life.

0:44:54 > 0:44:57RHYTHMIC BANGING

0:45:04 > 0:45:06SOUNDS OVERLAP

0:45:09 > 0:45:12SCREAMING Petyr!

0:45:12 > 0:45:14- Petyr!- Where is it?

0:45:14 > 0:45:16Petyr! Petyr!

0:45:16 > 0:45:17- Petyr!- Petyr!

0:45:19 > 0:45:21Get water!

0:45:21 > 0:45:23Get out of the sunlight! Get water! Get water!

0:45:23 > 0:45:26Get water! Petyr, get away from the sunlight!

0:45:26 > 0:45:27Get in the shadows, Petyr!

0:45:27 > 0:45:30Get out of the sunlight!

0:45:30 > 0:45:32Aaaaargh! Get out of my way!

0:45:32 > 0:45:35I'm going in! I'm coming, Petyr!

0:45:35 > 0:45:37- Deacon, no, it's sunlight! - I'm coming for you!

0:45:37 > 0:45:39It's sunlight out there!

0:45:39 > 0:45:41It's sunlight!

0:45:41 > 0:45:43WAILS: It's sunlight!

0:45:47 > 0:45:49I was too late.

0:45:55 > 0:45:58VIAGO CRIES AND WAILS

0:45:58 > 0:46:00Turn that thing off.

0:46:00 > 0:46:04Our friend had just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!

0:46:18 > 0:46:20So this is what I think happened.

0:46:20 > 0:46:22The vampire hunter

0:46:22 > 0:46:24broke in through the window here.

0:46:25 > 0:46:29Has impacted the table, breaking the table leg.

0:46:29 > 0:46:31Then he has come this way,

0:46:31 > 0:46:33towards the tomb.

0:46:33 > 0:46:34DEACON RETCHES

0:46:34 > 0:46:36Crucifix! Cover the crucifix!

0:46:39 > 0:46:43And then... Petyr has burst from the tomb.

0:46:43 > 0:46:46Pushed the tomb lid on to the vampire hunter.

0:46:46 > 0:46:49And then the sunlight has come through here

0:46:49 > 0:46:52and burned Petyr alive.

0:46:52 > 0:46:55Think this is just a table leg, which is...sanded down.

0:46:55 > 0:46:57- Do you think he hand-sanded that, or...?- Yes.

0:46:57 > 0:46:59- Image that, stuck in your...- Eugh!

0:46:59 > 0:47:02It's quite shocking down here, Nick.

0:47:02 > 0:47:05Look, here's our sweet Petyr.

0:47:05 > 0:47:07- Ohh, fucking hell. - Burnt to a sizzle.

0:47:07 > 0:47:09- I can't figure out this. - This is the vampire hunter.

0:47:09 > 0:47:11- Is this Franco?- Uh, who's this guy? - Look at his...

0:47:11 > 0:47:13bloody head, all back-to-front.

0:47:13 > 0:47:16Twist it the other way, the other way!

0:47:16 > 0:47:18Let's see who this guy is.

0:47:19 > 0:47:22- Hm, typical macho type.- Yuck!

0:47:22 > 0:47:23Hideous.

0:47:23 > 0:47:25Oh, shit!

0:47:25 > 0:47:28- I know that guy, actually. - You know him?

0:47:28 > 0:47:29- Yeah.- What?

0:47:29 > 0:47:32I saw him the other night in town.

0:47:32 > 0:47:33- Told him I was a vampire.- What?!

0:47:33 > 0:47:36I thought he was joking. He said he was a vampire hunter.

0:47:36 > 0:47:38You let a vampire hunter into our house?

0:47:38 > 0:47:40- I just gave him my e-mail. - Nick!

0:47:41 > 0:47:44I'm going to tear out your tongue and shove it down your arse.

0:47:46 > 0:47:47Fucking hell!

0:47:49 > 0:47:51I'm going to kill you!

0:48:01 > 0:48:03You killed Petyr with your big mouth!

0:48:03 > 0:48:05It was a mistake!

0:48:05 > 0:48:06Get up!

0:48:06 > 0:48:08Get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.

0:48:15 > 0:48:17We can talk about this, OK? We can talk about it!

0:48:17 > 0:48:20- I'll kill you! - I'm already dead!

0:48:20 > 0:48:21Stu, stay back!

0:48:24 > 0:48:27- KNOCKING ON DOOR Someone's at the door.- Sh! Sh!

0:48:27 > 0:48:29I'll go, I'll go.

0:48:36 > 0:48:37Oh, shit.

0:48:39 > 0:48:41- Good evening, sir. - Hello, police.

0:48:41 > 0:48:43Hi, I'm Constable O'Leary. This is Constable Minogue.

0:48:43 > 0:48:46We're just responding to a report of a possible forced entry

0:48:46 > 0:48:48and also a rather large amount of shrieking.

0:48:48 > 0:48:51Just wondering, maybe we could come in and just have a wee look around?

0:48:51 > 0:48:52OK.

0:48:52 > 0:48:55What's with the fellow? What's with the camera?

0:48:55 > 0:48:57Yeah, we're obviously just here cos there was a phone call

0:48:57 > 0:48:59from a member of the public, about a bit of disturbance.

0:48:59 > 0:49:01Um, some loud noises.

0:49:01 > 0:49:03- Possibly a forced entry, wasn't there?- Um...

0:49:03 > 0:49:05And, also, maybe a bit of smoke coming out, so...

0:49:05 > 0:49:08We're just checking over the scene Making sure everything's, you know,

0:49:08 > 0:49:10above board so to speak and, er,

0:49:10 > 0:49:12making sure no-one's in danger, that kind of thing.

0:49:12 > 0:49:14We might go up and have a wee look up there,

0:49:14 > 0:49:15if that's all right with you?

0:49:15 > 0:49:18- Come on, mate, you lead the way. - Just a little tour. Yeah.

0:49:18 > 0:49:19OK.

0:49:19 > 0:49:21- Smells a bit weird here too, mate. - Yeah.

0:49:21 > 0:49:23What do you call that?

0:49:24 > 0:49:26Barbecue.

0:49:29 > 0:49:32You will not notice anything out of the ordinary.

0:49:32 > 0:49:34No, we certainly hope not.

0:49:34 > 0:49:36- Let's just... Let's just keep going. - FAINT THUMPING AND GRUNTING

0:49:36 > 0:49:39- Hi there, guys. How are ya?- Hello. - Hi, fellas.

0:49:39 > 0:49:42We're just wondering where all the shouting was coming from?

0:49:42 > 0:49:43That was me.

0:49:43 > 0:49:45Yeah, OK, we've had a couple reports, OK?

0:49:45 > 0:49:47A couple of people not happy with the level of noise here.

0:49:47 > 0:49:51- OK. The neighbours? - You can't be screaming when you've got neighbours on either side.

0:49:51 > 0:49:54SOFTLY: Feeling nervous. I've hypnotised those cops.

0:49:54 > 0:49:58I'm not a great hypnotiser so it could wear off any second.

0:49:58 > 0:50:00I really hope that those guys don't kill those police

0:50:00 > 0:50:02because this will mean more police will come,

0:50:02 > 0:50:04possibly even Christians,

0:50:04 > 0:50:06which is totally the last thing we need in this house.

0:50:06 > 0:50:09I can see you're having a good time. End of the day,

0:50:09 > 0:50:10we've got to keep the peace, OK?

0:50:10 > 0:50:12Whoa, whoa, whoa...

0:50:12 > 0:50:14See what I'm seeing?

0:50:14 > 0:50:16What's that, Minogue?

0:50:16 > 0:50:17You're joking?

0:50:18 > 0:50:20Not a smoke alarm in sight.

0:50:20 > 0:50:21No smoke detectors, mate?

0:50:21 > 0:50:23Rule number one -

0:50:23 > 0:50:25smoke detectors.

0:50:25 > 0:50:28- OK.- Rule number two - maybe not so many barbecues inside.

0:50:28 > 0:50:29- Sort it out, fellas.- OK.

0:50:29 > 0:50:32Barbecue smells really strong down here, doesn't it?

0:50:32 > 0:50:33What kind of marinade?

0:50:33 > 0:50:35Who's this guy?

0:50:35 > 0:50:38Um...it's a friend who came to our party.

0:50:38 > 0:50:41- Mate, you all right?- He's drunk. - That's what I thought.

0:50:41 > 0:50:43Drunk guy.

0:50:43 > 0:50:45You can't just leave him down here like that, OK?

0:50:45 > 0:50:46This guy's not having a good time.

0:50:46 > 0:50:48He's gonna feel terrible tomorrow morning.

0:50:48 > 0:50:51- Well, his soul is in hell, so... - I don't know where his soul is,

0:50:51 > 0:50:53but all I am saying is, where is his blanket?

0:50:53 > 0:50:55There's a big slab of concrete on him.

0:50:55 > 0:50:57- You could move that.- It's definitely not going to be comfortable.

0:50:57 > 0:51:00- See anything else in here? - No, I think I've seen enough.

0:51:00 > 0:51:03- OK.- Hang on a minute. What have we got here?

0:51:04 > 0:51:06- What is that?- This!

0:51:06 > 0:51:08- Oh, this?- You can see this as clearly as I can!

0:51:08 > 0:51:09Adhesive, mate.

0:51:09 > 0:51:11That's a flammable.

0:51:11 > 0:51:12And then you've got a lamp on top of that.

0:51:12 > 0:51:14Directly underneath a power source.

0:51:14 > 0:51:16- That is quite bad. - It's very bad.

0:51:16 > 0:51:18And no smoke detectors again, are there?

0:51:18 > 0:51:20- No.- Yes, there are.

0:51:20 > 0:51:22- Yes, there are, I see them. - There are.- That's good.

0:51:22 > 0:51:23Lots to think about, guys.

0:51:23 > 0:51:26- Yeah, lots to think about. - Next flat meeting, yeah?

0:51:26 > 0:51:28Yeah, good thinking, that's the thing, just...

0:51:28 > 0:51:30- have a bit of dialogue about it.- OK.

0:51:30 > 0:51:32- They've got a really good point. - Wait!

0:51:32 > 0:51:33Let's kill them.

0:51:33 > 0:51:36- No!- Well, let's just see what other safety points they have

0:51:36 > 0:51:37- and then maybe we'll...- Yeah.

0:51:46 > 0:51:48I call into session

0:51:48 > 0:51:51this trial of Nick of Wellington.

0:51:56 > 0:51:58Read the charges.

0:51:58 > 0:51:59Problems we have with Nick.

0:52:00 > 0:52:04Number one - you brought a human into our house,

0:52:04 > 0:52:07- which is a big no-no in the vampire world.- Stu is... Stu is OK, though.

0:52:07 > 0:52:09Yeah, Stu is fine, so I guess we'll just

0:52:09 > 0:52:12cross that one out. Uh...

0:52:15 > 0:52:17- Thank you, Stu. - Thank you, Stu.

0:52:17 > 0:52:19So, the new number one -

0:52:19 > 0:52:22Nick's been telling people he's a vampire.

0:52:22 > 0:52:25That in turn resulted in

0:52:25 > 0:52:28an unwanted visit from a vampire hunter.

0:52:28 > 0:52:30Crime number two...

0:52:30 > 0:52:32This is quite a biggy, Nick,

0:52:32 > 0:52:35the vampire hunter who killed Petyr.

0:52:35 > 0:52:37That's... I actually should've...

0:52:37 > 0:52:38that should have been crime number one

0:52:38 > 0:52:40but we wanted to build up to that.

0:52:40 > 0:52:42Number three -

0:52:42 > 0:52:45Deacon doesn't like that your wear the same jacket as him

0:52:45 > 0:52:49and he would like you to find your own original style.

0:52:49 > 0:52:51For these crimes of which

0:52:51 > 0:52:54we the vampire council find you guilty

0:52:54 > 0:52:57you should be banished from our flat...

0:52:57 > 0:52:58..indefinitely.

0:52:58 > 0:53:01- Indefinitely.- Indefinitely. - So I can come back?

0:53:01 > 0:53:04No, no, indefinitely means there is no end.

0:53:04 > 0:53:05I thought that there was no...

0:53:05 > 0:53:08No, indefinite means that it's not a definite thing.

0:53:08 > 0:53:11- Yeah, but it's long.- Could be tomorrow, it could be six months.

0:53:11 > 0:53:13- NO!- No, it is not tomorrow!

0:53:13 > 0:53:15- At least six moths.- Banished! - You are banished.

0:53:15 > 0:53:17But, Stu, you can visit if you like.

0:53:17 > 0:53:19Thank you.

0:53:19 > 0:53:23For your crimes... you will be made to suffer

0:53:23 > 0:53:25the procession of shame.

0:53:25 > 0:53:28I asked them, Nick, I asked them not to pass that sentence.

0:53:28 > 0:53:30We should do this immediately.

0:53:30 > 0:53:32- In my opinion.- You didn't ask.

0:53:32 > 0:53:34You didn't ask. You were saying yes.

0:53:37 > 0:53:39- I did...- Well, this is what's going to happen.

0:53:39 > 0:53:42I still think it's quite extreme.

0:53:42 > 0:53:44Let us do the procession of shame.

0:53:44 > 0:53:46Now.

0:53:47 > 0:53:50- Shame.- Shame! - Shame.- Shame.- Shame!

0:53:50 > 0:53:52- Shame!- Shame.- Bad vampire!

0:53:52 > 0:53:53Shame.

0:53:55 > 0:53:56Shall we go, Stu?

0:54:01 > 0:54:03SOFTLY: Bye, Stu.

0:54:18 > 0:54:20That was a shame.

0:54:32 > 0:54:33SHE SIGHS

0:54:43 > 0:54:46So today we have an invitation

0:54:46 > 0:54:49to the big event of the year.

0:54:49 > 0:54:51Breaking it open.

0:54:51 > 0:54:53They have burned the edges.

0:54:53 > 0:54:56- Like a treasure map or something. - It looks very authentic, doesn't it?

0:54:56 > 0:54:58"Dearly departed..."

0:54:58 > 0:55:00That's us.

0:55:00 > 0:55:04"The Wellington Vampire Association in conjunction with

0:55:04 > 0:55:08"the Lower Hutt Vampire/Witch Club and the Karori Zombie Society

0:55:08 > 0:55:15"invite you to attend The Unholy Masquerade on the night of the 6th of June

0:55:15 > 0:55:18"starting at 6pm."

0:55:19 > 0:55:21- 666...- Oh, yeah...

0:55:21 > 0:55:25The Unholy Masquerade, of course, is a great time for the undead community of Wellington.

0:55:25 > 0:55:27There's zombies there.

0:55:27 > 0:55:31Vampires, banshees, all having a dance together.

0:55:31 > 0:55:33It's always a big deal for me.

0:55:33 > 0:55:38- Love it.- One year I went to The Unholy Masquerade dressed as

0:55:38 > 0:55:41Whoopi Goldberg from Sister Act...

0:55:41 > 0:55:44..1 and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.

0:55:44 > 0:55:47Didn't go down so well because she was a nun.

0:55:49 > 0:55:51Vampires don't like nuns.

0:55:51 > 0:55:53Of course, the big deal of The Unholy Masquerade

0:55:53 > 0:55:56is every year they announce the guest of honour.

0:55:56 > 0:55:58And...um...

0:55:58 > 0:56:01I don't know if I should be saying this but...

0:56:01 > 0:56:03I heard a little rumour

0:56:03 > 0:56:05that the guest of honour this year...

0:56:07 > 0:56:09..might be me.

0:56:09 > 0:56:13- The location...- Oh, yeah, where is it?- Where's the location?

0:56:13 > 0:56:14The Cathedral of Despair.

0:56:14 > 0:56:16And the guest of honour will be...

0:56:20 > 0:56:21Who is it? Show me.

0:56:28 > 0:56:29Hm.

0:56:30 > 0:56:32OK.

0:56:32 > 0:56:35OK. OK.

0:56:35 > 0:56:36- OK, that's fine. That's fine.- OK?

0:56:38 > 0:56:41VLADISLAV SHOUTS, FURNITURE CRASHES

0:56:43 > 0:56:46Vladislav...has...

0:56:46 > 0:56:49..just had a reaction to the information

0:56:49 > 0:56:51that the guest of honour will be...

0:56:51 > 0:56:53..um...The Beast.

0:56:56 > 0:56:58The darkest part of my mind

0:56:58 > 0:57:00is reserved for The Beast.

0:57:00 > 0:57:02We can tell you a thing or two about The Beast.

0:57:02 > 0:57:05You should pray that you never have to see The Beast.

0:57:05 > 0:57:06This one is called The Beast.

0:57:06 > 0:57:09And I said, "Get your hands off my balls, Beast!"

0:57:09 > 0:57:12He may have told you some stories about his

0:57:12 > 0:57:14great battle with The Beast.

0:57:14 > 0:57:16Yeah, oh, "I fought The Beast on a cliff.

0:57:16 > 0:57:19"Oh, I fought The Beast in a swamp.

0:57:19 > 0:57:23"One time I fought The Beast in the toilets of a nightclub."

0:57:23 > 0:57:25Difficult battle.

0:57:25 > 0:57:27I hope you never see The Beast.

0:57:28 > 0:57:30The Beast.

0:57:31 > 0:57:34OMINOUS MUSIC

0:57:38 > 0:57:41You can't go the ball as Blade. He's a vampire hunter.

0:57:41 > 0:57:44Yeah, but vampires love Wesley Snipes.

0:57:44 > 0:57:45No, it's inappropriate.

0:57:45 > 0:57:48OK, Vlad, the green jodhpurs,

0:57:48 > 0:57:50or the black leather with the dragon belt?

0:57:50 > 0:57:52- We're having a mild crisis here. - Just wear the pants you want.

0:57:52 > 0:57:54- Which do you want to wear? - Just look at the pants, Vlad!

0:57:54 > 0:57:56- Look at the pants! - THEY'RE JUST PANTS!

0:57:56 > 0:57:58- Shit, man!- Holy shit!

0:57:58 > 0:57:59Oh, you look terrible.

0:57:59 > 0:58:01The black pants.

0:58:01 > 0:58:02Thank you. Get dressed!

0:58:02 > 0:58:04I don't know if I feel up to it, really.

0:58:04 > 0:58:08You don't look that great but if you eat someone on the way

0:58:08 > 0:58:10- and rejuvenate a little bit..?- You could wear a mask or something.

0:58:10 > 0:58:14Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!

0:58:14 > 0:58:15What are you bidding on?

0:58:15 > 0:58:17I'm bidding on a table.

0:58:17 > 0:58:19- Are you coming or not?- Not.

0:58:19 > 0:58:21I'm gonna go change. We're leaving in ten minutes.

0:58:21 > 0:58:24Have a good time!

0:58:24 > 0:58:26MUSIC IN VENUE

0:58:30 > 0:58:31CHATTERING

0:58:39 > 0:58:43We tend to, often, without getting into that kind of...

0:58:43 > 0:58:46..stuff, which... I'm really sick of that, but, you know...

0:58:46 > 0:58:48It's just that, it's harder for us to actually...

0:58:48 > 0:58:49..chase people down.

0:58:49 > 0:58:52Can I introduce, um...?

0:58:52 > 0:58:55- Gary and Alisha. - Hi, how are you?

0:58:55 > 0:58:56- Hi. - GROANING

0:58:56 > 0:58:59Hi... Less groaning, guys.

0:59:01 > 0:59:03So we are at The Unholy Masquerade.

0:59:03 > 0:59:04It's great.

0:59:04 > 0:59:06This is my mask.

0:59:06 > 0:59:09Which I made for the occasion.

0:59:09 > 0:59:11- Ah!- Hey!

0:59:11 > 0:59:13- Jackie.- Yeah.

0:59:13 > 0:59:15- This is an undead party. - Yeah, I'm a vampire.

0:59:15 > 0:59:17- You have...? - I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire!

0:59:18 > 0:59:20- Great.- Yeah, yeah.

0:59:20 > 0:59:23- So, um, who bit you?- Oh, Nick.

0:59:23 > 0:59:24- Oh, great.- Yeah.

0:59:24 > 0:59:25OK.

0:59:25 > 0:59:26Deacon!

0:59:29 > 0:59:32Pretty rude, because she was my... servant.

0:59:32 > 0:59:34She was a pretty useless servant.

0:59:34 > 0:59:36- I wouldn't worry about it. - Yeah, but, still,

0:59:36 > 0:59:38it would have been appreciated if you'd asked...

0:59:38 > 0:59:39How's Stu?

0:59:39 > 0:59:41Stu's good. He's there.

0:59:41 > 0:59:43- Oh, he's here?- Stu! STU!

0:59:44 > 0:59:45Hey, hey!

0:59:45 > 0:59:46Hey!

0:59:47 > 0:59:51Has anyone looked at you like they want to eat you, at all?

0:59:51 > 0:59:52Ah, no...

0:59:52 > 0:59:54- MICROPHONE FEEDBACK - Can you hear me at the back?

0:59:54 > 0:59:57On behalf of the Wellington Vampire Society,

0:59:57 > 1:00:01uh, the Lower Hutt Vampire and Witch Club,

1:00:01 > 1:00:06and the Karori Zombie Society, we welcome you here tonight.

1:00:06 > 1:00:08We're raffling a live-meat pack this year,

1:00:08 > 1:00:11you can inspect the prize over here to my left.

1:00:11 > 1:00:13It's a wonderful prize.

1:00:13 > 1:00:18Tickets are only 10 dollars each or 45 dollars for a book of five.

1:00:18 > 1:00:21Now without further ado, it's my very great pleasure

1:00:21 > 1:00:24to introduce to you this year's guest of honour,

1:00:24 > 1:00:27Pauline Ivanovich!

1:00:27 > 1:00:29- CHEERING - Thank you.

1:00:32 > 1:00:35- That's The Beast.- Thank you.

1:00:35 > 1:00:39The Beast is, uh, the name I give to my ex-girlfriend Pauline.

1:00:39 > 1:00:41She prefers Pauline.

1:00:41 > 1:00:44We had a very intense relationship.

1:00:44 > 1:00:45We were very...

1:00:45 > 1:00:47sexually explosive.

1:00:47 > 1:00:52Last time I saw her, she impaled me and called me an arsehole.

1:00:52 > 1:00:53She said...

1:00:53 > 1:00:56all kinds of things that really hurt me.

1:00:56 > 1:01:00And all this while I was impaled on a lamppost.

1:01:00 > 1:01:06Well, everyone, I will be mingling around and I really hope that

1:01:06 > 1:01:08I will meet...

1:01:08 > 1:01:10all of you.

1:01:10 > 1:01:11LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

1:01:11 > 1:01:13MUSIC PLAYING

1:01:25 > 1:01:26Hello.

1:01:26 > 1:01:28That's the new guy.

1:01:28 > 1:01:30I don't even know what kind of vampire...

1:01:30 > 1:01:32- If he is a vampire. - Did you see his face?

1:01:33 > 1:01:35Oh... Oh.

1:01:35 > 1:01:37- Hello!- Hi, how are you?

1:01:37 > 1:01:40- This is Deacon. - Hello, Deacon.

1:01:40 > 1:01:42- This is Stu, our friend.- G'day, Stu.

1:01:42 > 1:01:44- How are you?- Good. Hi. Stu.

1:01:44 > 1:01:46You've got really warm hands, Stu.

1:01:46 > 1:01:48Are you a demon?

1:01:48 > 1:01:51- No, he's not a demon! - I'm a software analyst.

1:01:51 > 1:01:54- Stu, Stu, Stu... - A male witch? You're a male witch.

1:01:54 > 1:01:56You should go dance, uh, with...anyone.

1:01:56 > 1:01:57- Sure.- OK, take your time.

1:01:57 > 1:02:02I like Stu. He's not vampire, so, what, a zombie, or...?

1:02:02 > 1:02:03- A male witch?- He's not...

1:02:03 > 1:02:07He not, uh... He's neither, he's, uh, he's more of a human.

1:02:09 > 1:02:11Excuse me, excuse me. Hi, Nick, hey.

1:02:11 > 1:02:13Um, Nick...

1:02:13 > 1:02:16Do you mind if Stu is killed?

1:02:16 > 1:02:18Uh, I don't feel that good about it.

1:02:18 > 1:02:22Can I... Can I just ask you, you know, a...

1:02:22 > 1:02:24- ..a personal question?- Sure.

1:02:24 > 1:02:27Are you, um....

1:02:28 > 1:02:31Are you... Are you... Are you predeceased?

1:02:31 > 1:02:32Uh...

1:02:34 > 1:02:37If anyone's gonna eat him, it's gonna be us but we're past it.

1:02:37 > 1:02:39They can just go fuck themselves.

1:02:39 > 1:02:40Nick! It is your fault.

1:02:40 > 1:02:44OK? You brought a human into this den of vampires' nests.

1:02:44 > 1:02:46- I brought a plus-one. - You're not helping. Yes, you did.

1:02:46 > 1:02:48Lovely talking to you, I've got to shoot off now.

1:02:48 > 1:02:50See you later on.

1:02:51 > 1:02:53ZOMBIE HISSES AND GROANS

1:02:54 > 1:02:57As soon as one vampire takes a bite, it's a frenzy!

1:02:57 > 1:02:59- A frenzy! - OK, we've got to get him out.

1:02:59 > 1:03:00OK, follow me, follow me.

1:03:00 > 1:03:03Excuse me, sorry, guys.

1:03:03 > 1:03:07OK, Stu. Put that over your bloody red face.

1:03:07 > 1:03:08- Just going outside for a cigarette. - Oh, hey!

1:03:08 > 1:03:10OK, not that way. This way.

1:03:10 > 1:03:12- This way.- Is there another way?

1:03:14 > 1:03:17- Back away from the vampires. - Guys...

1:03:17 > 1:03:21- PAULINA:- Excuse me, everyone! Can I have your attention, please?

1:03:21 > 1:03:26Some of the vampires forget Unholy Masquerade rules.

1:03:26 > 1:03:28They brought a human.

1:03:28 > 1:03:33And they don't let us to feast on him.

1:03:34 > 1:03:36This was a total misunderstanding.

1:03:36 > 1:03:39There was, on the invitation, and this actually pertains to you...

1:03:39 > 1:03:41..the invitation, it said,

1:03:41 > 1:03:43- "plus one", but it did not specify...- OK.

1:03:43 > 1:03:45- Mate, look... - ..if it could be a human or

1:03:45 > 1:03:46if it could be a werewolf or...

1:03:46 > 1:03:48Yeah, but he could be a vampire hunter, for all we know.

1:03:48 > 1:03:51He could be texting his mates, saying, "I've got them all in the one place,

1:03:51 > 1:03:54"come on over, we'll have a vampire barbecue!"

1:03:54 > 1:03:55Well, he's not, he's not doing that.

1:03:55 > 1:03:57How do we know that?

1:03:57 > 1:03:58He's wearing a bow-tie, look at him!

1:03:58 > 1:03:59Stu, tell them what you do.

1:03:59 > 1:04:02Come on, Stu! Tell us what you do. Come on.

1:04:02 > 1:04:03Tell them what you do, Stu.

1:04:03 > 1:04:05- Hi, my name is Stu, uh... - Don't fuck it up, man.

1:04:05 > 1:04:08- I can't hear, Stu.- Louder, louder! - Hi, my name is Stu, uh, I work in...

1:04:08 > 1:04:11- I can't hear.- Louder. - Stu, they cannot hear you.

1:04:11 > 1:04:13Hi, my name is Stu. I'm a software analyst.

1:04:13 > 1:04:16I work for a geographic information systems company.

1:04:16 > 1:04:17Sorry, what is it?

1:04:17 > 1:04:19I work for a company that does...

1:04:19 > 1:04:22Basically, we take like business requirements from organisations.

1:04:22 > 1:04:26Then we analyse those requirements and then we build software

1:04:26 > 1:04:28to fit those requirements.

1:04:28 > 1:04:30He is a virgin. He is a virgin!

1:04:30 > 1:04:33- I can smell a virgin at 1,000 paces.- Go on, then.

1:04:33 > 1:04:36Go 1,000 paces away and smell yourself!

1:04:36 > 1:04:38I can't wait any more.

1:04:38 > 1:04:40ALL HISSING

1:04:41 > 1:04:42STOP!

1:04:50 > 1:04:53There shall be no eating of the human.

1:04:53 > 1:04:55Who are you all of a sudden?

1:04:55 > 1:04:59You have forgotten your former lover so quickly?

1:05:02 > 1:05:04Georgie?

1:05:04 > 1:05:06No, not...Georgie.

1:05:06 > 1:05:08Like, five years after...

1:05:08 > 1:05:09No.

1:05:09 > 1:05:10Wait a minute.

1:05:10 > 1:05:12Just one moment.

1:05:12 > 1:05:13No...

1:05:13 > 1:05:16No, I've got it, it's coming, take it away...

1:05:19 > 1:05:20Hello, Beast.

1:05:20 > 1:05:22Hello, Arsehole.

1:05:22 > 1:05:25- Hey, don't call me Arsehole! - Don't call me Beast.

1:05:25 > 1:05:28- This is Vladislav. This is my ex-boyfriend. - This is absolutely the same.

1:05:28 > 1:05:31- You know, the one who fucked... - All right, that's old business, that's...

1:05:31 > 1:05:32- personal business.- Yeah.

1:05:32 > 1:05:35- Nice to meet you, arsehole. - This is my lover.

1:05:35 > 1:05:37You will not feast on the blood of the human known as Stu.

1:05:37 > 1:05:40Listen, arsehole, this is a human and this is the rules

1:05:40 > 1:05:41and what is cameras doing here?

1:05:41 > 1:05:43One, and then another one, what is this?

1:05:43 > 1:05:45They're making a documentary on...

1:05:45 > 1:05:49This is a private secret society, mate, you don't go bringing your bloody cameras into everything.

1:05:49 > 1:05:52You will not eat Stu and you will not eat the camera guy.

1:05:52 > 1:05:54- Maybe one camera guy.- I'm up to bloody here with you at the moment.

1:05:54 > 1:05:57And all your mates behind there, whoever the hell they are.

1:05:57 > 1:05:58We're gonna eat the human being

1:05:58 > 1:06:00and there's nothing you can do about it, all right?

1:06:00 > 1:06:03Now back off and let my missus get her way.

1:06:03 > 1:06:04Oh, there's nothing I can do about it?

1:06:04 > 1:06:06- That's right. - Well, what about this?

1:06:07 > 1:06:10Diego, rip his head off.

1:06:10 > 1:06:12What do you want?!

1:06:12 > 1:06:14Vampire fight!

1:06:14 > 1:06:15Get him, Vladislav!

1:06:26 > 1:06:28Rip his head off!

1:06:28 > 1:06:29He's killing him!

1:06:29 > 1:06:31He's killing him!

1:06:31 > 1:06:33It is forbidden for vampires...

1:06:33 > 1:06:35- STRAINED:- ..to kill a vampire.

1:06:37 > 1:06:39- What the f...- Medic!

1:06:40 > 1:06:42Oh. What?

1:06:42 > 1:06:45Are you OK, love? Get out!

1:06:45 > 1:06:48We should probably go, Stu.

1:06:48 > 1:06:52- It was great to see you, Pauline. - Arsehole! Bastards.

1:06:54 > 1:06:56- That was great how we... - He's a murderer!

1:06:56 > 1:06:59..how we both, together, equally destroyed that guy!

1:06:59 > 1:07:02Yeah, but it was more Stu with the giant stick!

1:07:02 > 1:07:05I hope this doesn't make it awkward for you and The Beast.

1:07:05 > 1:07:08No, I think it's opened up new possibilities.

1:07:08 > 1:07:10Oh, no.

1:07:10 > 1:07:12Here we go again.

1:07:12 > 1:07:14ALL SING: Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu!

1:07:14 > 1:07:16Stu, Stu, STU!

1:07:16 > 1:07:18Stu, Stu, Stu, Stu...

1:07:18 > 1:07:21- Stuuu... Stuuu... - Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop!

1:07:21 > 1:07:23Listen, listen!

1:07:23 > 1:07:24Do you smell that?

1:07:25 > 1:07:27This way.

1:07:28 > 1:07:30Werewolves.

1:07:30 > 1:07:32- Oh, no.- Look what the cat dragged in, huh?

1:07:32 > 1:07:35- Piss off.- Keep walking. Don't hassle us tonight.

1:07:35 > 1:07:37There has been no hassle here.

1:07:37 > 1:07:39Well, let it stay that way.

1:07:39 > 1:07:40Keep chaining yourselves up!

1:07:40 > 1:07:43- Guys, where's your tracksuit pants? - It was washing night.

1:07:43 > 1:07:46My missus couldn't wash them cos there was too much blood on them.

1:07:46 > 1:07:48When your legs expand, they grow into the tracksuit.

1:07:48 > 1:07:50- Oh!- Those jeans are gonna rip completely!

1:07:50 > 1:07:52You've lost all those trousers, guys.

1:07:52 > 1:07:55Declan, that tree's far too thin! Look at it! It's like a branch!

1:07:55 > 1:07:58You know how big you get when you transform!

1:07:58 > 1:08:00That's the wrong tree for you.

1:08:00 > 1:08:04- Anton, I've...- Oh, no, you've forgotten the combination.

1:08:04 > 1:08:05Why did you get a combination lock?

1:08:05 > 1:08:06I lost my key last time.

1:08:06 > 1:08:09OK, well, it's probably four zeroes, that's the factory setting, is it?

1:08:09 > 1:08:11- Fuck off to a tree.- Hey!

1:08:11 > 1:08:13Werewolves, not swearwolves.

1:08:13 > 1:08:14Yeah, I know, well, on transformation nights,

1:08:14 > 1:08:17it's all right, all right? I'm getting stressed out.

1:08:17 > 1:08:18I was just reminding you.

1:08:18 > 1:08:20Stop talking and chain yourself up, you dickhead!

1:08:20 > 1:08:22Honestly, we're transforming.

1:08:22 > 1:08:23All right, we'll keep walking.

1:08:23 > 1:08:26Yeah, keep walking. By the way, I find that offensive!

1:08:26 > 1:08:28- Is that fur? - Oh, for crying out loud!

1:08:28 > 1:08:31Don't look at the fur, everyone. Get back to your trees, OK?

1:08:31 > 1:08:34- That's disgusting, man. - You're wearing fur.- Declan!

1:08:34 > 1:08:35- That's not real fur.- Oh, shit!

1:08:35 > 1:08:37GROWLING

1:08:37 > 1:08:40Honestly, get out of here. Take your humans!

1:08:40 > 1:08:42That guy in the bow-tie, he's gonna go first!

1:08:43 > 1:08:45Get out of here!

1:08:45 > 1:08:47Take all your clothes off that you want to keep, everyone!

1:08:47 > 1:08:49Get that army surplus jacket off,

1:08:49 > 1:08:52you've only just bought that, Nathan.

1:08:52 > 1:08:54Get that camera out of my face!

1:08:54 > 1:08:56- Go, go!- Let's go, let's go. Come on!

1:08:56 > 1:08:58ROARING

1:08:58 > 1:08:59Run, Stu, RUN!

1:09:02 > 1:09:03Let's go, let's go!

1:09:08 > 1:09:10- They're gonna get us!- Shit!

1:09:10 > 1:09:12I got one!

1:09:17 > 1:09:19PANTING

1:09:22 > 1:09:23SNARLING

1:09:23 > 1:09:25SCREAMING

1:09:26 > 1:09:29WHIMPERS, SCREAMS

1:09:29 > 1:09:31My leg! My leg!

1:09:35 > 1:09:37Oh, God!

1:09:37 > 1:09:39Stu! Stu!

1:09:39 > 1:09:40STU!

1:09:40 > 1:09:43SCREAMING

1:09:44 > 1:09:46Stu!

1:09:46 > 1:09:48Agh, agh! Get off me!

1:09:49 > 1:09:51Stu, are you all right?!

1:09:51 > 1:09:53Oh, my God, Stu!

1:09:54 > 1:09:55Stu!

1:09:55 > 1:09:57Ah, fuck!

1:10:00 > 1:10:02- ROARING - Fuck off!

1:10:02 > 1:10:03Get off that!

1:10:05 > 1:10:07INDISTINCT SHOUTING

1:10:07 > 1:10:09ROARING, SCREAMING

1:10:12 > 1:10:14Stupid werewolves!

1:10:14 > 1:10:16Look away, Nick!

1:10:16 > 1:10:18Don't look at their blood!

1:10:18 > 1:10:20Stu!

1:10:20 > 1:10:22He's a really good dude! Leave him alone!

1:10:22 > 1:10:26- It's too late for him! Don't look at the blood, Nick!- Stu!

1:10:26 > 1:10:28HOWLING

1:10:37 > 1:10:38There he is.

1:10:40 > 1:10:42He's probably still a little upset,

1:10:42 > 1:10:46having seen his best friend disembowelled by werewolves.

1:10:49 > 1:10:51Nick!

1:10:51 > 1:10:52I found you.

1:10:53 > 1:10:54Whoa!

1:10:57 > 1:10:59That was pretty full-on, hey?

1:11:04 > 1:11:08But this is what happens when you are a vampire.

1:11:08 > 1:11:10You have to watch everyone die.

1:11:12 > 1:11:14Your mother and father.

1:11:14 > 1:11:16All your friends.

1:11:16 > 1:11:17Sometimes brutal.

1:11:20 > 1:11:23Like slipping and falling onto a giant spike.

1:11:23 > 1:11:25Or falling asleep

1:11:25 > 1:11:28in an autumn pile of leaves,

1:11:28 > 1:11:32and having some of them block your windpipe.

1:11:32 > 1:11:35Or making the simple mistake

1:11:35 > 1:11:37of fashioning a mask out of crackers,

1:11:37 > 1:11:39and being attacked by ducks.

1:11:39 > 1:11:41Geese.

1:11:41 > 1:11:43Swans.

1:11:43 > 1:11:45Or simply dying of old age.

1:11:48 > 1:11:50But even old age is brutal.

1:11:50 > 1:11:52Watching your friends...

1:11:52 > 1:11:53grow old.

1:11:53 > 1:11:56They can't piss.

1:11:56 > 1:11:59And they say stupid things and their brains go

1:11:59 > 1:12:01and they can't remember anything.

1:12:03 > 1:12:06And then, one day, they can't even remember who you are.

1:12:07 > 1:12:10And you wish they were dead.

1:12:10 > 1:12:12And then they do die.

1:12:15 > 1:12:16No.

1:12:16 > 1:12:19If I know Stu,

1:12:19 > 1:12:22this was probably the way he wanted to go.

1:12:22 > 1:12:25Disembowelled by werewolves.

1:12:25 > 1:12:26Blood and guts

1:12:26 > 1:12:29splayed onto the trees.

1:12:29 > 1:12:31His face torn to shreds.

1:12:40 > 1:12:42I hope I made you feel better.

1:12:49 > 1:12:51WOMAN PC: 'Well, from what we can see from going around,

1:12:51 > 1:12:53'it looks like there's been a bit of a dog attack.

1:12:53 > 1:12:55'That's what happens, when you get, you know...

1:12:55 > 1:12:58'dangerous dogs out on the streets, not being looked after.'

1:12:58 > 1:13:00This is not good.

1:13:00 > 1:13:02No, not good at all.

1:13:02 > 1:13:03There's nicer ways to go than being

1:13:03 > 1:13:07torn apart by what looks like a pack of dogs, more than just one.

1:13:07 > 1:13:10I'd say so. These attacks are becoming more and more frequent.

1:13:10 > 1:13:11They're happening on a monthly basis

1:13:11 > 1:13:13and it's just no good for anybody, OK?

1:13:13 > 1:13:15Especially not the dogs. Certainly not the community.

1:13:15 > 1:13:17I've got the bastard.

1:13:17 > 1:13:18One of them here, hey?

1:13:18 > 1:13:20That's what I'm talking about. Look at it.

1:13:20 > 1:13:22End of the day, this dog is gonna have to be put down.

1:13:22 > 1:13:24What a shame.

1:13:25 > 1:13:26Look what you did.

1:13:26 > 1:13:27Hey?

1:13:27 > 1:13:29He's got the scent again, hasn't he?

1:13:29 > 1:13:31- He wants to go again. He's not finished.- Yeah.

1:13:58 > 1:14:03VIAGO: They say that vampires' hearts are cold and dead.

1:14:03 > 1:14:05Definitely dead.

1:14:05 > 1:14:08- Bye, Stu. - He would have loved his scarf.

1:14:08 > 1:14:10It was a lovely, loose knit.

1:14:10 > 1:14:14But I don't know. I think I still feel things inside it.

1:14:18 > 1:14:19Deacon!

1:14:20 > 1:14:21Deacon!

1:14:21 > 1:14:24Deacon, wakey, wakey. Hey!

1:14:24 > 1:14:27You were asleep in here. The curtain's open. It's nearly morning.

1:14:27 > 1:14:30You want to get sizzled to a crisp?

1:14:30 > 1:14:32You know, you've got to think a little bit about these things.

1:14:32 > 1:14:35- OK. Sorry, Viago.- It's OK.

1:14:35 > 1:14:37Night, night! OK.

1:15:02 > 1:15:05- ANSWERPHONE:- 'Received at 4:20am...'

1:15:13 > 1:15:14KNOCKING

1:15:23 > 1:15:24KNOCKING

1:15:27 > 1:15:29- Stu?!- Hey, Deacon.

1:15:29 > 1:15:31- Stu!- How is it?

1:15:31 > 1:15:32Good to see you.

1:15:32 > 1:15:35- Look at his face! - I saw them tear you to shreds!

1:15:35 > 1:15:37- Look! He looks like Seal! - They didn't kill me.

1:15:37 > 1:15:40- It looks cool. - Thank you, thank you.

1:15:40 > 1:15:41Meet some of our friends.

1:15:41 > 1:15:43- Anton.- Deacon.

1:15:43 > 1:15:45- Hi, Anton.- Anton.

1:15:47 > 1:15:48SNIFFS

1:15:48 > 1:15:50I must have blacked out.

1:15:50 > 1:15:53And then I remember an ambulance.

1:15:53 > 1:15:55He's going into shock. O'Leary. O'Leary!

1:15:55 > 1:15:56Yeah, coming!

1:15:56 > 1:15:59OK, calm down, mate. Calm down.

1:15:59 > 1:16:00GROWLS, ROARS

1:16:02 > 1:16:04Looks like rabies, doesn't it?

1:16:04 > 1:16:06And I don't know how long after that was, but I, like, woke up.

1:16:06 > 1:16:08And it was daytime.

1:16:12 > 1:16:14And I couldn't find my clothes.

1:16:16 > 1:16:18Those werewolf guys, um...

1:16:18 > 1:16:20eventually found me.

1:16:20 > 1:16:21And they had some,

1:16:21 > 1:16:23they like, loaned me some pants.

1:16:24 > 1:16:26So, yeah, those guys have been supporting me.

1:16:26 > 1:16:28Cos I was quite confused.

1:16:30 > 1:16:32Yeah, these are the guys who, um,

1:16:32 > 1:16:34turned me into a werewolf.

1:16:34 > 1:16:36Did you knit your own jersey?

1:16:36 > 1:16:37- Yes.- Oh, yeah?

1:16:37 > 1:16:39- I knit.- Is that the moon, or...?

1:16:39 > 1:16:42- Yes.- Hopefully, we won't, you know...

1:16:42 > 1:16:44ALL LAUGH

1:16:45 > 1:16:46Ah, this is a nice place.

1:16:46 > 1:16:49Please, don't, ah, don't lick anything or...

1:16:49 > 1:16:50pee on anything.

1:16:50 > 1:16:52We were worried at first, you know, we thought

1:16:52 > 1:16:55"Ooh, they are just going to urinate on everything."

1:16:55 > 1:16:58But they're actually really polite and pretty clean.

1:16:58 > 1:17:01There was obviously that werewolf smell,

1:17:01 > 1:17:04which permeated the entire house for the first half an hour,

1:17:04 > 1:17:07but we opened some windows and got rid of that.

1:17:07 > 1:17:10When Stu first suggested the idea, I thought, "No way."

1:17:10 > 1:17:12You know, walking into a vampires' den, that's ludicrous.

1:17:12 > 1:17:13That's my hand.

1:17:13 > 1:17:15But I thought, well, we'll give it a shot.

1:17:15 > 1:17:18You know, I'm the alpha male, so I made the call.

1:17:18 > 1:17:19I'm the alpha male.

1:17:19 > 1:17:22- Yes.- So, generally... all the other guys follow me.

1:17:22 > 1:17:25- To Stu!- To Stu!- Thanks, guys.

1:17:25 > 1:17:26What have you done to your face?

1:17:26 > 1:17:28I got attacked by some werewolves.

1:17:28 > 1:17:32I met a werewolf. Seemed a very nice person.

1:17:32 > 1:17:34So, Katherine's a vampire now.

1:17:34 > 1:17:36- Yes.- We decided to get together.

1:17:36 > 1:17:38We just thought, to hell with it, you know?

1:17:38 > 1:17:40What have we got to lose?

1:17:40 > 1:17:42I was just sitting, doing nothing,

1:17:42 > 1:17:45and he came floating in and over to me,

1:17:45 > 1:17:48and I recognised him. It was wonderful.

1:17:48 > 1:17:50That's right, I bit you on the neck.

1:17:50 > 1:17:52That's right.

1:17:53 > 1:17:55And I don't mind being a vampire.

1:17:55 > 1:17:57I'm enjoying it.

1:17:58 > 1:18:00Some people freak out a bit about the age difference.

1:18:00 > 1:18:04Uh, they think, "What's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy

1:18:04 > 1:18:06"four times her age?"

1:18:06 > 1:18:09- And, you know, I don't care... - It doesn't make any difference.

1:18:09 > 1:18:11No, they can call me cradle-snatcher, who cares?

1:18:11 > 1:18:14I decided to bite her and we're gonna be together for ever.

1:18:14 > 1:18:16- Wonderful.- Yeah.

1:18:31 > 1:18:35Pauline and I are tentatively back together.

1:18:35 > 1:18:37But it's not long before you remember

1:18:37 > 1:18:40why it was we broke up in the first place.

1:18:40 > 1:18:42SCREAMING

1:18:44 > 1:18:46We'll start in our bedroom,

1:18:46 > 1:18:48I need that totally boarded up or blacked out somehow.

1:18:48 > 1:18:50My husband is my familiar.

1:18:50 > 1:18:53So, there has been a dynamic shift there.

1:18:53 > 1:18:56You could buy a Bedazzler. So you write that down. That's B-E-D...

1:18:56 > 1:18:59I feel like I'm who I'm really meant to be now.

1:18:59 > 1:19:01- I love you.- I love you too.

1:19:01 > 1:19:03Great.

1:19:03 > 1:19:04But I am your master.

1:19:04 > 1:19:07- OK?- Yeah.

1:19:07 > 1:19:09Yeah, these guys have to laugh at my jokes, right, guys?

1:19:09 > 1:19:11Yeah!

1:19:11 > 1:19:14- That's a good one. - I always look round, make sure they're all laughing.

1:19:14 > 1:19:16If I see one of them is not quite laughing, I'll go, "Hey!'

1:19:16 > 1:19:18"Are you laughing?", and often I'll test you.

1:19:18 > 1:19:20What are you laughing at, Justin?

1:19:20 > 1:19:21- Hey?- What are you laughing at now?

1:19:21 > 1:19:23- Just then?- Yeah, yeah, but what?

1:19:23 > 1:19:24Oh, I don't know.

1:19:24 > 1:19:27Ah, test failed! Test failed!

1:19:27 > 1:19:30You're laughing now. What are you laughing at now, though?

1:19:30 > 1:19:31I don't know, cos...

1:19:31 > 1:19:34Ah, another failure!

1:19:34 > 1:19:36Well, what are you laughing at, Stu?

1:19:36 > 1:19:37Oh, I was laughing with the group.

1:19:37 > 1:19:40Yep, that's good. That's good, yeah.

1:19:40 > 1:19:43Just pay attention. Pay attention.

1:19:43 > 1:19:45Laugh with the group.

1:20:25 > 1:20:28You will not remember the last hour and a half

1:20:28 > 1:20:31of what you have just seen.

1:20:31 > 1:20:32You will forget

1:20:32 > 1:20:35the contents of this movie.

1:20:39 > 1:20:40CLICK