A Cock and Bull Story

0:00:44 > 0:00:53This film contains strong language.

0:00:55 > 0:00:58You look good with a big nose, actually.

0:00:58 > 0:01:03You could become a great classical actor and be taken seriously.

0:01:06 > 0:01:10I've got a little kind of crevice. Can you see that there? See?

0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Yes.- That's fizzy drinks.

0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Yeah.- And I don't think the colour is great. What do you think?

0:01:16 > 0:01:20- Have a look at the colour.- I saw the colour the last time I looked.

0:01:20 > 0:01:24- It registered. - It's what they call "not white".

0:01:24 > 0:01:26- Well... - What colour would you call it?

0:01:26 > 0:01:30I'd concur with not white. I'd go further.

0:01:30 > 0:01:34- I mean, it's not yellow.- I...

0:01:34 > 0:01:38You know, I mean, there's a sliding scale, isn't there?

0:01:38 > 0:01:40I think you're, er...you're, er...

0:01:40 > 0:01:45- A hint of yellow?- I think you're closer, sir.- Barley meadow?

0:01:45 > 0:01:49- If you wanna give it a Dulux, er... - Tuscan sunset?

0:01:49 > 0:01:53THE MAKE-UP ARTISTS LAUGH You're gettin' laughs,

0:01:53 > 0:01:57but it's not making your teeth look any better, you know, so...

0:02:00 > 0:02:03Pub ceiling.

0:02:03 > 0:02:05The Elephant Man.

0:02:06 > 0:02:10- Hmm.- If your teeth are too good, you get bogged down

0:02:10 > 0:02:13in the leading-man thing and I don't want that to happen.

0:02:13 > 0:02:18I, er, I think you can sleep easy at night...

0:02:18 > 0:02:22..about the prospect of being cast as a leading man.

0:02:24 > 0:02:28I haven't got any teeth at all, there on the bottom.

0:02:29 > 0:02:31Thanks for that(!)

0:02:31 > 0:02:34- That was pleasant(!) - Have another look.

0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Do they still look that colour? - It's OK, it's seared on my retina.

0:02:39 > 0:02:42I think once people get used to them,

0:02:42 > 0:02:45you actually... actually it's a nice colour.

0:02:45 > 0:02:48I think you'd decorate a child's nursery in this colour.

0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Quite soothing.- Well, you could've saved them a few bob

0:02:52 > 0:02:55if you'd been cast as Doctor Slop.

0:02:55 > 0:02:58Yeah, but that's very much a supporting role.

0:03:00 > 0:03:05- This is, er...- And? The point being? - This is a co-lead.

0:03:07 > 0:03:10Well, we'll see after the edit, shall we?

0:03:10 > 0:03:13Do you not think so?

0:03:13 > 0:03:16Featured co-lead?

0:03:16 > 0:03:21- It's not a cameo.- It's not a cameo, no, it's a supporting role.

0:03:21 > 0:03:25It's not a supporting role, I'm in it all the way through.

0:03:25 > 0:03:30- HE SIGHS - It's a co. It's a co. It's a co. It's an "and Rob Brydon".

0:03:30 > 0:03:33- If that's...- No, it's not, it's "Steve Coogan, Rob Brydon".

0:03:33 > 0:03:37If we went alphabetically, which I think is the only fair way,

0:03:37 > 0:03:40- it would be "Rob Brydon, Steve Coogan".- That would be ridiculous.

0:04:09 > 0:04:12Er, Groucho Marx once said

0:04:12 > 0:04:15that the trouble with writing a book about yourself

0:04:15 > 0:04:18is you can't fool around.

0:04:18 > 0:04:21Why not? People fool around with themselves all the time.

0:04:24 > 0:04:27I'm Tristram Shandy,

0:04:27 > 0:04:30the main character in this story, the leading role.

0:04:34 > 0:04:37Susannah. Susannah!

0:04:37 > 0:04:39Susannah!

0:04:40 > 0:04:44There are those who say this is a cock-and-bull story.

0:04:44 > 0:04:47That's the bull, my father's bull,

0:04:47 > 0:04:49and, er, I'll show you the cock in a minute.

0:04:55 > 0:04:57Susannah!

0:04:57 > 0:04:59Susannah!

0:05:04 > 0:05:06Is it startin'?

0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Yes. Yes, I...I think it is. - Oh, my!

0:05:10 > 0:05:14- Ohhhh! Oh, shall I fetch the midwife?- Yes.

0:05:21 > 0:05:25These two gentlemen are my Uncle Toby and Corporal Trim.

0:05:25 > 0:05:29They're recreating the Battle of Namur, where they both fought.

0:05:29 > 0:05:32LOUD BANGS, SHOUTING

0:05:36 > 0:05:39Colonel Ingoldsby's orders, sir!

0:05:39 > 0:05:42The flag is to advance to the ditch behind the 50-pounder!

0:05:42 > 0:05:46What?! The ditch?! There's no such thing as a ditch out there, man!

0:05:46 > 0:05:50- The ditch behind the 50-pounder, sir!- That is a ravelin, Trim.

0:05:50 > 0:05:54A ravelin. A farmer digs a ditch. A soldier... Sir, get down!

0:05:54 > 0:05:56LOUD EXPLOSION, SCREAMING

0:06:01 > 0:06:04When I said this was a cock-and-bull story,

0:06:04 > 0:06:08it was my cock I was talking about... COCKEREL CROWS

0:06:08 > 0:06:12..not Uncle Toby's. After all, am I not the hero of my own life?

0:06:13 > 0:06:17- Where's my pot?!- Master Tristram, where is it?! Under the bed?!

0:06:17 > 0:06:21- Where is it?!- Do it out of the window!- I need a pee!

0:06:21 > 0:06:23Lift your nightshirt up.

0:06:24 > 0:06:28Poke your little pecker out. Do you think the time might come

0:06:28 > 0:06:32when you don't make a lot of fuss about passing water?

0:06:32 > 0:06:35- HE SCREAMS - Oh! Oh!

0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oh! What...?!

0:06:41 > 0:06:44That is a child actor pretending to be me.

0:06:44 > 0:06:46I'll be able to play myself later.

0:06:46 > 0:06:51I think I could probably get away with being...18, 19?

0:06:51 > 0:06:54Until then, I'll be played by a series of child actors.

0:06:54 > 0:06:57This was the best of a bad bunch.

0:06:57 > 0:07:00He's unable to convey the pain or shock of such an event.

0:07:05 > 0:07:10- I- think I can. Susannah said I was doing it exactly how you did!

0:07:10 > 0:07:14It may be the same noise but it doesn't have the emotion.

0:07:14 > 0:07:16Go on, then, show me how to do it.

0:07:25 > 0:07:30I was told it was a comedy, not a pantomime.

0:07:30 > 0:07:33- HE SQUEALS - Oh! Master Tristram! Oh!

0:07:33 > 0:07:37Oh, come here, and let me fix it all better!

0:07:37 > 0:07:39Oh! I've just about murdered ya!

0:07:41 > 0:07:44Oh, my darling!

0:07:44 > 0:07:47Oh, my darling! There, there.

0:07:47 > 0:07:49There. What happened?

0:07:49 > 0:07:54This is my beautiful, lovely mother, Elizabeth.

0:07:55 > 0:07:58How did this happen?!

0:07:58 > 0:08:01It was my fault. I removed the weights from the sash window,

0:08:01 > 0:08:05at Mr Toby's request, to make mortars for the Siege of Namur.

0:08:05 > 0:08:09I wish now with all my heart I had...cut off something else!

0:08:12 > 0:08:15My poor little Tristram.

0:08:20 > 0:08:25So both my uncle and myself were victims of the Battle of Namur,

0:08:25 > 0:08:28even though it took place years before my birth.

0:08:28 > 0:08:30I was not unmanned, by the way.

0:08:30 > 0:08:33Er, I was circumcised, like a lot of men - manly men.

0:08:33 > 0:08:36I can't speak for my uncle in that area,

0:08:36 > 0:08:39although even as a boy I was, er, curious.

0:08:39 > 0:08:42Sir, where were you injured during the battle?

0:08:42 > 0:08:44This one looks quite like me.

0:08:44 > 0:08:49- ..In front of the curtain. None of the men...- There was a ravelin below this fosse.

0:08:49 > 0:08:52- I shall dig it now, sir. - There was indeed, Corporal.

0:08:52 > 0:08:56Yes, I tumbled into it just...well, in the course of the afternoon.

0:08:56 > 0:08:59Where EXACTLY were you injured?

0:08:59 > 0:09:02I will show you the exact spot. Soldier, quick march!

0:09:05 > 0:09:08I received my injury, at nine of the clock, just here.

0:09:08 > 0:09:10- In the...- In the ditch.

0:09:10 > 0:09:14'I'm getting ahead of myself. I am not yet born.'

0:09:14 > 0:09:17SHE PANTS

0:09:19 > 0:09:22Mrs Shandy's took bad, sir. With the pangs, sir.

0:09:22 > 0:09:26They're coming thick and fast. I'm on my way to fetch the midwife.

0:09:29 > 0:09:32- She's took bad?- Yes, sir.

0:09:32 > 0:09:34With the PANGS.

0:09:34 > 0:09:38When I was born, my father was four years older than I am now,

0:09:38 > 0:09:40so, given the family resemblance,

0:09:40 > 0:09:43I felt I should portray him as well as myself.

0:09:43 > 0:09:47Brother Walter?! Brother Walter?!

0:09:47 > 0:09:52Elizabeth isn't well, brother, she is suffering from PANGS.

0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Pangs?- I believe she was referring to the birth pangs, sir.

0:09:56 > 0:10:00- She's gone to fetch the midwife. - The midwife? No, no, no, no.

0:10:00 > 0:10:05Obadiah! Obadiah! I want you to ride like the devil

0:10:05 > 0:10:08to Dr Slop's, and tell him my wife has fallen into labour

0:10:08 > 0:10:12and to come immediately. I will not have the midwife deliver my son.

0:10:14 > 0:10:18C'mon! C'mon! C'mon!

0:10:24 > 0:10:26You may find it surprising

0:10:26 > 0:10:30that the method of my birth had yet to be decided.

0:10:30 > 0:10:33The cause was, er, not too little planning but too much.

0:10:33 > 0:10:36"I, Walter Shandy, undertake to arrange for any confinement

0:10:36 > 0:10:40"of Elizabeth Shandy in London and further undertake

0:10:40 > 0:10:44- "to pay all expenses arising from that confinement."- Mm.

0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Erm, what is this smaller writing here?- That's just small print.

0:10:48 > 0:10:50You always get that.

0:10:50 > 0:10:53This is the beginning of all my woes.

0:10:53 > 0:10:57- I should have to stay in Yorkshire? - Yes.

0:10:57 > 0:11:01- Only if you once already made the journey to London by mistake.- Yes.

0:11:04 > 0:11:07'In the September before my birth, my mother, being pregnant -

0:11:07 > 0:11:10'or so she thought - insisted my father take her to London.'

0:11:10 > 0:11:14- Are you all right, my love? - I'm fairly comfortable.

0:11:14 > 0:11:18Not long now, just another two days.

0:11:23 > 0:11:27- Doctor, in your opinion, is it a boy or a girl?- I'm afraid, madam,

0:11:27 > 0:11:32- it is neither. It is a phantom only. - How can that be?

0:11:32 > 0:11:35Oh, this happens more than you can know.

0:11:40 > 0:11:42Ten pounds.

0:11:42 > 0:11:47Ten pounds to tell us that it's wind that is inflating you.

0:11:53 > 0:11:56Any other time of the year would've been fine, but...

0:11:58 > 0:12:01..all my plums will be spoilt.

0:12:06 > 0:12:08It's not the expense that bothers me

0:12:08 > 0:12:14- but the disappointment of losing a child. - Walter, I, too, have lost a child.

0:12:19 > 0:12:21No matter. Here.

0:12:21 > 0:12:24Don't fret, please.

0:12:25 > 0:12:30'Unfortunately, due to the length and discomfort of the journey, by the time they'd arrived home,

0:12:30 > 0:12:33'my father had decided to implement the small print -

0:12:33 > 0:12:36'the next birth should be at home.'

0:12:37 > 0:12:39It is infuriating

0:12:39 > 0:12:44that Elizabeth has this humour to entrust the life of our child

0:12:44 > 0:12:47to an ignorant old woman, when the admirable Dr Slop,

0:12:47 > 0:12:52with all his modern instruments, is, er, so readily at hand.

0:12:52 > 0:12:57Perhaps she does not care to let a man that close to her, erm...

0:12:58 > 0:13:00Ooh, I say, man!

0:13:04 > 0:13:10My heavens, what's that?! Do you think she's to lay an egg? Do you know nothing of women at all?

0:13:11 > 0:13:13Nothing at all.

0:13:13 > 0:13:17No matter. The point is, Slop does. He knows them inside-out.

0:13:17 > 0:13:22- He has a fine brass instrument... ..Obadiah, you were quick! - Fortune favoured us.

0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Dr Slop.- I only came to borrow some pipe tobacco.

0:13:28 > 0:13:30HE SHOUTS

0:13:38 > 0:13:41Dr Slop!

0:13:41 > 0:13:45- Where the devil are you going at such a rate?!- To fetch you, sir.

0:13:48 > 0:13:53I was telling my brother about your fine brass instrument, the one with the hinge.

0:13:53 > 0:13:56- It was new invented. It's called, er...- Forceps.

0:13:56 > 0:14:00Aye, the forceps. I like the look of those.

0:14:00 > 0:14:03The forceps, they're in a bag hanging off my bed head.

0:14:06 > 0:14:11- I could... - No, no, it must be done properly.

0:14:11 > 0:14:13Obadiah! Obadiah!

0:14:15 > 0:14:18- I'll give you a crown if thou dost it!- Thank you, sir!

0:14:18 > 0:14:20And I another!

0:14:20 > 0:14:23SUSANNAH!

0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Will you take a pipe, Doctor? - I will.

0:14:29 > 0:14:33We had a...a good deal of piping at Flanders, Doctor.

0:14:35 > 0:14:37Come on!

0:14:39 > 0:14:43- I meant a pipe to smoke. - Well, if it's smoke you're after,

0:14:43 > 0:14:45then, Flanders was the place,

0:14:45 > 0:14:49- at the Battle of Namur when the cannons were set off.- Loosed.

0:14:49 > 0:14:52Loosed is the proper word, Trim, yes.

0:14:58 > 0:15:01Dr Slop, allow me to show you a map

0:15:01 > 0:15:07of such detail and artistry as to make a man's eyes water.

0:15:07 > 0:15:11- Help me, Susannah. Help me. - I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

0:15:11 > 0:15:15Here, the city of Namur. Come, Doctor, come. The city of Namur,

0:15:15 > 0:15:18as it appeared to the besieging forces that morning in 1695.

0:15:18 > 0:15:22The English and the Scots, under the command of General Ramsay,

0:15:22 > 0:15:24were in the trenches to the right.

0:15:24 > 0:15:28Now, the dilemma for the good general was which way forward.

0:15:28 > 0:15:33There were many directions to choose from. It is my opinion that he chose the best direction.

0:15:36 > 0:15:40No, brother, what happened that day to YOU?

0:15:40 > 0:15:44Is everything all right, you know, down there?

0:15:45 > 0:15:49- Aaaaargh! Argh! Trim! - We're almost there, sir.

0:15:49 > 0:15:50HE YELLS

0:15:54 > 0:15:56Where does it hurt?

0:15:56 > 0:15:57Where were you hit, sir?

0:15:57 > 0:16:00- HE WHISTLES - This man's lost his mind.

0:16:00 > 0:16:02The injury may be in a delicate place, sir,

0:16:02 > 0:16:06- which my master is too modest to mention. - HE SCREAMS

0:16:06 > 0:16:10Damn me, sir. Can a man be too delicate to name his own privates,

0:16:10 > 0:16:13yet strong enough to fight a war?!

0:16:13 > 0:16:15I shall have you sent home, sir.

0:16:16 > 0:16:18HE WHISTLES

0:16:26 > 0:16:30Unless this Obadiah makes haste, the thing will befall us without forceps.

0:16:30 > 0:16:32Here he is!

0:16:32 > 0:16:36- Way-hey! Well done, sir. Well done. - Good man.

0:16:39 > 0:16:42- A knife. Have you a knife? - I have a knife.

0:16:42 > 0:16:45Use your teeth, Dr Slop. Your teeth.

0:16:47 > 0:16:48Oh, well.

0:16:51 > 0:16:55- Argh, my finger! - Now, this, Dr Slop, is a book

0:16:55 > 0:17:00- in which there is a fine engraving. - I don't want to see your armies at Flanders or anywhere.

0:17:00 > 0:17:03And if I get my hands on the blockhead

0:17:03 > 0:17:07who tied these knots, I'll kick him all the way to bloody Flanders.

0:17:10 > 0:17:14I have a book, er, Colourful Words For All Occasions.

0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Push against me.- I've got you.

0:17:16 > 0:17:21- "On cutting the thumb or finger with a penknife." There - the very word.- No, I don't want...

0:17:26 > 0:17:29"By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost,

0:17:29 > 0:17:33"and of all holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary,

0:17:33 > 0:17:36"mother of our Saviour..." May he be damned.

0:17:36 > 0:17:39- I'll go and fetch Dr Slop. - No! No!

0:17:39 > 0:17:41NO-O-O-O!

0:17:41 > 0:17:44"Unless he repent him of tying such knots,

0:17:44 > 0:17:47"may he be cursed in his eyes, in his mouth, in his heart,

0:17:47 > 0:17:51- "in his stomach, may he..." - Doctor, the midwife is here.

0:17:51 > 0:17:55- The midwife is here.- She has bruised the upper part of her thigh, here.

0:17:55 > 0:18:00- I'll look at it.- You'd be better looking at my mistress, but...

0:18:00 > 0:18:03- You're not fixin' to use them on the little child?- Yes.

0:18:03 > 0:18:07- This is the very latest.- With these, I can extrude the baby's head

0:18:07 > 0:18:11before the mother has a chance to mash its head to dough.

0:18:11 > 0:18:15I can show you. Captain Shandy, make a baby's head of your hands.

0:18:15 > 0:18:20You're to imagine these sleeves are Mrs Shanty's funnel and...

0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Funnel?- Meat curtains.

0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Meat curtains? - My brother knows nothing of women.

0:18:26 > 0:18:31I insert the forceps, thus, gently enclosing the baby's head.

0:18:31 > 0:18:33You see? You see?

0:18:33 > 0:18:36- And then I gently TUG IT! - Ooh! Aaaaargh!

0:18:36 > 0:18:40Oh! Oh! Brother! By my honour, Dr Slop,

0:18:40 > 0:18:43you've taken the skin clean off the back of my hand, man!

0:18:43 > 0:18:48You with your forceps! You've crushed my knuckles to a jelly in the bargain!

0:18:48 > 0:18:51It's lucky it's not the baby's head.

0:18:51 > 0:18:55- A baby's head is as soft as the pap of a melon.- It's but a scratch.

0:18:55 > 0:18:58- Trim, fetch a melon!- Yes, sir.- Run!

0:18:58 > 0:19:01Nothing like a baby's head. Entirely different.

0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Melon.- Thank you, Trim.

0:19:11 > 0:19:15- Baby's head.- This is a much more accurate representation.

0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Funnel.- Funnel?

0:19:18 > 0:19:22- All ready? And then we merely... - OBADIAH LAUGHS

0:19:22 > 0:19:25Had my father a more scientific mind,

0:19:25 > 0:19:28the tragedy of my nose, er, could have been avoided,

0:19:28 > 0:19:31but he was of a more philosophical bent,

0:19:31 > 0:19:34er, used to arguing from first principles.

0:19:34 > 0:19:38So, eventually when I was born, I was delivered with the very forceps

0:19:38 > 0:19:41that had crushed the pap of the melon.

0:19:41 > 0:19:43SHE SCREAMS

0:19:44 > 0:19:47BABY CRIES

0:19:50 > 0:19:52The baby's born. You have a son.

0:19:52 > 0:19:55Oooooh! Congratulations, brother Walter!

0:19:55 > 0:20:00- Thank you.- I need something stiff but flexible for a splint.

0:20:00 > 0:20:02- A quill, perhaps.- Ooh, that'll do!

0:20:02 > 0:20:07- What has happened to my son? - The doctor needs to make a bridge.

0:20:07 > 0:20:10I haven't finished. Susannah!

0:20:10 > 0:20:12Susannah!

0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Doctor...- Susannah.

0:20:16 > 0:20:20- What has happened to my son? - Er, there was a small mishap.

0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Er, a mishap with the machinery. - Machinery?

0:20:23 > 0:20:26- The forceps.- He has merely...

0:20:26 > 0:20:29broken his nose.

0:20:30 > 0:20:34It had ever been my father's wish to have a son with a big nose.

0:20:34 > 0:20:39All the great men of antiquity had big noses, a nose like Caesar,

0:20:39 > 0:20:44Dante, Pythagoras, Newton, Alexander the Great.

0:20:44 > 0:20:49But I'm getting ahead of myself. I am not yet born.

0:20:49 > 0:20:51- I'll attend the lady.- No!

0:20:54 > 0:20:56Get off!

0:20:57 > 0:21:01Don't you touch those! Get off! Get back!

0:21:01 > 0:21:05My son is not yet born, and already I am exhausted.

0:21:05 > 0:21:09Shall we go and see the fortifications?

0:21:15 > 0:21:16Mrs Shandy?

0:21:22 > 0:21:27Get on the bed. The bed, woman. The bed.

0:21:27 > 0:21:30There is nothing more important than the choice of name

0:21:30 > 0:21:33when deciding the future of a child.

0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Four fingers.- Good. - She is four-fingers dilated.

0:21:36 > 0:21:40The highest is Trismegistus, as in Hermes Trismegistus,

0:21:40 > 0:21:43the greatest philosopher, the greatest law-giver,

0:21:43 > 0:21:45the greatest priest.

0:21:45 > 0:21:49- And he was an engineer.- Then, you should call him that, then.

0:21:49 > 0:21:52- The child should be called Tristram. - Tristram? No.

0:21:52 > 0:21:56- Tristram.- No, Tristram's the worst. Tristram's the dog's-breath worst!

0:21:56 > 0:22:00I know, er, how did I come to be named Tristram,

0:22:00 > 0:22:02given my father's views?

0:22:02 > 0:22:05Well, even though my birth is fast approaching,

0:22:05 > 0:22:09there's still time to catch the tragedy of my naming.

0:22:09 > 0:22:12Sir, it's the baby! It's the baby, sir!

0:22:12 > 0:22:15He is as black as my, erm...! Ooh, as black as me shoe, sir!

0:22:15 > 0:22:18There. He's as black as me shoe.

0:22:18 > 0:22:22We might lose the baby, sir. The parson is here, and his horse.

0:22:22 > 0:22:25- The baby must be baptised. - Yes. Hand me my breeches.

0:22:25 > 0:22:29There's no time, sir. My mistress wanted to know if it should be named after Captain Toby,

0:22:29 > 0:22:32as he's the godfather.

0:22:32 > 0:22:34'If my father had been sure I was going to die,

0:22:34 > 0:22:39'he would have complimented Toby by naming me so, thereby saving the name of Trismegistus

0:22:39 > 0:22:42'for one who might survive. But he couldn't be sure.'

0:22:42 > 0:22:46- The name, sir! The name, the name! - Trismegistus.

0:22:46 > 0:22:50- Trismegistus, sir!- You're a leaky vessel! Susannah, can you carry it

0:22:50 > 0:22:53- the length of the corridor without spilling?- Trismegistus.

0:22:53 > 0:22:57Trismegistus. Tris... Tristemgistus. Tristemgistus.

0:22:58 > 0:23:00SHE SOBS

0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Tris...- Tristram? - No, it's not that, no.

0:23:08 > 0:23:12There is no Christian name beginning "Tris" but Tristram.

0:23:12 > 0:23:16- No, it's not Tristram. It has some "gistus" in it.- Tristramgistus?

0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Tristramgistus!- There is no "gistus" in it. No, it is my name,

0:23:20 > 0:23:23and a very fine name it is, too. I baptise you

0:23:23 > 0:23:26in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

0:23:26 > 0:23:28Tristram Shandy. All is well.

0:23:28 > 0:23:33Little Tristram has made right with God.

0:23:35 > 0:23:40See now, Dearly beloved brethren, that this child is regenerated and grafted into the body

0:23:40 > 0:23:43of Christ's Church, let us give thanks unto Almighty God

0:23:43 > 0:23:47for these benefits and with one accord make our prayers unto him,

0:23:47 > 0:23:49that this child may...

0:23:49 > 0:23:52Look, ma'am. He is well.

0:23:54 > 0:23:57Ma'am, he is not black any more!

0:23:59 > 0:24:03Ma'am, look. It's a miracle.

0:24:04 > 0:24:09- You have not forgotten the name? - No. And the baby is well.

0:24:12 > 0:24:17- My beautiful, beautiful Tristram Shandy.- Tristram?

0:24:21 > 0:24:25My son has been cursed from the moment of his conception.

0:24:25 > 0:24:28'I forgot to mention this. Well, it's not that I forgot,

0:24:28 > 0:24:31'it's more that I thought I should save it

0:24:31 > 0:24:34'till we knew each other better. My father had two

0:24:34 > 0:24:37'domestic obligations and, being a systematic man,

0:24:37 > 0:24:40'he liked to dispense them both at once.

0:24:40 > 0:24:42'The first was to wind the clock.

0:24:42 > 0:24:44'The second was more enjoyable.'

0:24:47 > 0:24:49Harder!

0:24:51 > 0:24:55'You may be familiar with Locke's theory of the association of ideas -

0:24:55 > 0:24:59'it's been updated since, by Pavlov and his dog.

0:24:59 > 0:25:02'If the dog hears the metronome when being fed,

0:25:02 > 0:25:04'the dog starts to associate the metronome and food,

0:25:04 > 0:25:08'so in the end, if hears the metronome even when there's no food,

0:25:08 > 0:25:11'the dog starts to salivate.

0:25:11 > 0:25:15'A similar association of ideas took root in my mother's head

0:25:15 > 0:25:21'between one domestic obligation and the other. As soon as she heard my father winding the clock,

0:25:21 > 0:25:23'she began to salivate, as it were.'

0:25:25 > 0:25:27'It works the other way around, too.'

0:25:27 > 0:25:31'After a while, if you give the dog the food without the metronome,

0:25:31 > 0:25:35'the dog produces no saliva. So on the occasion by father came home

0:25:35 > 0:25:39'and was feeling so keen to dispense one obligation,

0:25:39 > 0:25:42'he skipped the other, he surprised my mother...'

0:25:42 > 0:25:44- Walter.- Elizabeth.

0:25:47 > 0:25:51'..who was, therefore, unable to produce any saliva.'

0:25:56 > 0:25:58- My dear.- Yes?

0:25:58 > 0:26:03- My dear, have you not forgot to wind up the clock?- Uh!

0:26:09 > 0:26:12'So it was, the circumstances of my conception were as confused

0:26:12 > 0:26:14'as those of my birth.'

0:26:14 > 0:26:18Goodnight.

0:26:19 > 0:26:21SHE SOBS

0:26:21 > 0:26:26- Yowling won't help.- How is she? - It may be some hours yet.

0:26:26 > 0:26:29- I can see the head. - Let me see. Let me through.

0:26:29 > 0:26:33- I'll fetch the sheet. - I can't see with the sheet, woman.

0:26:33 > 0:26:37Lay her down flat! Flat! I can't work like this! Flat!

0:26:37 > 0:26:40SHE SCREAMS

0:26:40 > 0:26:43SHE CRIES

0:26:43 > 0:26:48- And...thank you. Thank you. - OK, that's it. We'll pick up tomorrow morning.

0:26:48 > 0:26:53- Are we good there? - OK, move the set piece, please.

0:26:53 > 0:26:56THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Are you OK? - Rushes screening at eight

0:26:59 > 0:27:03- for anyone involved in the battle scene.- I can't see the baby's head.

0:27:04 > 0:27:09- OK. OK.- Mark, you don't want the birth today?

0:27:09 > 0:27:12- No, tomorrow morning. That was great.- Great.

0:27:12 > 0:27:15This scene's supposed to be about Walter's love for his son.

0:27:15 > 0:27:19- I don't feel involved.- Mark hasn't read the book since he was nine.

0:27:19 > 0:27:23- I'm not trying to be greedy, I... - Don't worry, you're in it.

0:27:23 > 0:27:25I'm not saying that!

0:27:25 > 0:27:28- I've got to see Debbie about shoes. - I'll get rid of these

0:27:28 > 0:27:31- and I'll take you to Costume.- OK.

0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.- OK.

0:27:33 > 0:27:36Shall we take this nose off now?

0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Yeah, cos my son won't recognise me. - That's true.

0:27:40 > 0:27:42- Hey!- Hello!

0:27:45 > 0:27:47How are you?

0:27:47 > 0:27:52- Look at you.- That's, erm... that's apple crumble and custard.

0:27:52 > 0:27:54They made me eat it.

0:27:54 > 0:27:58- Steve, erm, I'll take you to Costume when you're ready.- Right.

0:27:58 > 0:28:03Er, Jenny, this is Jennie. This is Jenny, also. Not Jenny, too - Jenny ALSO.

0:28:03 > 0:28:07Erm, yeah. Me and Jennie were, erm, flirting before,

0:28:07 > 0:28:09but now that you're here, erm,

0:28:09 > 0:28:13- we're just gonna...stop that for a while.- Great. Good.- Good.

0:28:13 > 0:28:17She's so beautiful. What's she called?

0:28:17 > 0:28:20- He's a boy.- Oh, right. - He's called Stephen.

0:28:20 > 0:28:23- What, Stephen, like his dad?- Yeah.

0:28:23 > 0:28:26- Yeah.- Hi.- Hey.

0:28:26 > 0:28:30- Oh, hello!- Are you all right? - I'm good.- Wanna be in a movie?

0:28:30 > 0:28:34Don't you upset him.

0:28:34 > 0:28:37Sorry, but Leo needs you for a minute to try out the womb.

0:28:37 > 0:28:40- Now?- Yeah. Jennie will take you over.

0:28:40 > 0:28:44- Sorry, I've gotta go and do this. - It's OK. I'll see you later.

0:28:44 > 0:28:47- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

0:28:51 > 0:28:54- Your wife's very pretty.- Yeah. Yeah.

0:28:54 > 0:28:58- Er, she's not my wife but, erm, my girlfriend.- Oh, right.

0:28:58 > 0:29:01Yeah, she's just up for a couple of days.

0:29:01 > 0:29:04- Hiya, Steve. Thanks for doing this. - No problem.

0:29:06 > 0:29:11- Wow!- That's the womb when you're talking to camera as Tristram.

0:29:11 > 0:29:15Yeah, I know what it is, it's just a while since I've seen one.

0:29:15 > 0:29:18Did Mark talk to you about being upside down?

0:29:19 > 0:29:21- No, he didn't.- Ah.

0:29:21 > 0:29:26- That's what we need to try out. - Real wombs don't have a window like that, though, do they?

0:29:26 > 0:29:30- Womb with a view. - Womb with a view. Pretty good, that.

0:29:30 > 0:29:33Tell my mother I'm sorry for everything.

0:29:33 > 0:29:36- You'll be fine.- Yeah.

0:29:37 > 0:29:38You can let the walls out now.

0:29:41 > 0:29:45Oh, no, that's wrong! OK, I'll try the other way.

0:29:45 > 0:29:47- Can you do that?- Yeah.

0:29:47 > 0:29:50OK, lower him down.

0:29:50 > 0:29:52That's it.

0:29:55 > 0:29:59- Oh! I was just getting caught a bit there.- That's it.

0:29:59 > 0:30:03Open the walls out. That looks great.

0:30:03 > 0:30:05- It looks good?- It looks great.

0:30:05 > 0:30:07You've put on weight!

0:30:07 > 0:30:11- Eh?- You've put on weight! - I've not put on weight.

0:30:11 > 0:30:14If I'm a foetus, I've got to be able to kick and stretch,

0:30:14 > 0:30:19- that's what foetus...foeti do. - Not when they're full term.

0:30:19 > 0:30:23The baby's just about to be born, so he'd fill the whole space.

0:30:23 > 0:30:27He'd be upside down and his head would be wedged in the pelvis.

0:30:29 > 0:30:34Can't Mark film it the right way up and then just flip the image?

0:30:34 > 0:30:37Maybe, but I'd have to have a word with Mark about that.

0:30:37 > 0:30:41- I think he wanted the realism. - He wants realism?- Yeah.

0:30:41 > 0:30:45OK. I'm a grown man talking to the camera in a fucking womb!

0:30:45 > 0:30:49- Right, get me out, please. - Get him out.- Get me out.

0:30:49 > 0:30:51- He's a dick! - That's fine, Steve.

0:30:51 > 0:30:55- Right, get me out. - Get him out.- Please.

0:30:55 > 0:30:59It's too squashed. No, you're jamming me!

0:30:59 > 0:31:02Whoa! Easy! Easy! Easy!

0:31:02 > 0:31:04Easy!

0:31:11 > 0:31:14- Oooh!- Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah. Ohhh!

0:31:15 > 0:31:19- That was great, Steve. Really, really good.- Good.

0:31:19 > 0:31:24That's gonna work perfectly. I think the clothes make it tighter.

0:31:24 > 0:31:26It'll be all right on the day.

0:31:26 > 0:31:28I'm not doing it naked.

0:31:28 > 0:31:31Well, that's how babies are.

0:31:33 > 0:31:37- Babies don't have to be funny. - I think you look funny naked.

0:31:39 > 0:31:44"Every man thinks less of himself for not having been a soldier."

0:31:44 > 0:31:47- Dr Johnson. - Yeah, well, you are one now.

0:31:47 > 0:31:51- He would definitely have worn a hat. - I've got a hat.

0:31:51 > 0:31:54- No question about it. - I hate the hat.

0:31:54 > 0:31:57Yes, well, you're not Uncle Toby, you're, er...

0:31:57 > 0:32:01- Rob Brydon.- That's it. I was trying to tell the wife about it,

0:32:01 > 0:32:04but I couldn't remember your name.

0:32:05 > 0:32:07- Hi, Steve.- Hi.

0:32:07 > 0:32:11This is all in aid of re-shoots for the big scene.

0:32:11 > 0:32:14- I'm not in the battle scene, so... - No.

0:32:14 > 0:32:17- What do you think? - Not bad. The hat's a worry.

0:32:17 > 0:32:22- Yeah, it's historically accurate, so I have to wear it.- Jennie.

0:32:22 > 0:32:25- Mm-hm?- Can I get a coffee, please? - Yeah, sure.

0:32:25 > 0:32:29- Rob, do you want one?- Yes, please. Can I have a macchiato?- OK, I'll try.- Thank you very much.

0:32:29 > 0:32:34Actually, Jennie, can I have, erm...one of those, as well?

0:32:34 > 0:32:36Yeah.

0:32:36 > 0:32:38- Shoes.- Shoes.- You're worried

0:32:38 > 0:32:42- cos yours are different from Toby's...- It's not that.

0:32:42 > 0:32:46Walter, in all the scenes with Toby, is supposed to dominate.

0:32:46 > 0:32:49This would have been covered in powder.

0:32:49 > 0:32:53Because of the heels, it comes across that I'm, because I'm shorter,

0:32:53 > 0:32:57- I'm overcompensating, like I've got Napoleon Complex. - So you don't like the shoes?

0:32:57 > 0:33:02THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE I should dominate totally in those scenes.

0:33:02 > 0:33:05It should be like I'm Gandalf and he's Frodo.

0:33:05 > 0:33:08- "You shall not have the ring!" - Very good, Rob.

0:33:08 > 0:33:11- I do Steve, as well. - Can we sort the shoes out?

0:33:11 > 0:33:15- HE MIMICS STEVE:- Can we sort the shoes out? I've got a big house

0:33:15 > 0:33:18in the Hollywood hills. Look at my pool!

0:33:18 > 0:33:22- That's Alan Partridge. I don't speak like that. - I don't talk that way. Yes, I do.

0:33:22 > 0:33:25Stop it!

0:33:27 > 0:33:31Erm, so, Rob's too tall. Or you're too small.

0:33:31 > 0:33:33No, Rob's shoes are too high.

0:33:33 > 0:33:37Rob's short, that's a good thing. That's why he was hired.

0:33:37 > 0:33:41- The problem's continuity. We've shot quite a bit with these.- OK.

0:33:41 > 0:33:43It should stand straight. These are too floppy.

0:33:43 > 0:33:48This is not an ego thing, it... The shoes are key to the character.

0:33:48 > 0:33:51- A character's soul. - It's coffee, but it's not macchiato.

0:33:51 > 0:33:55I don't understand why I'm here, then, in that case.

0:33:55 > 0:33:59- They want you to do it in costume, is that all right?- Erm, yeah.

0:33:59 > 0:34:04- This is on the wrong shoulder. - Just try that out.

0:34:04 > 0:34:06Let's just try and get the hats on.

0:34:07 > 0:34:10- "A-ha!" - THEY LAUGH

0:34:10 > 0:34:13- AS STEVE:- I'm not a happy bunny.

0:34:14 > 0:34:18- Hey. Thanks, I'll take over. - See you.

0:34:18 > 0:34:20Johnny thought it'd look good

0:34:20 > 0:34:23- if we have some crew in the background. Is that OK?- Yeah.

0:34:23 > 0:34:30- How you doing?- Great to see you. - Can we start with, "Knowing me, Tony Wilson, knowing you, Steve Coogan"?

0:34:30 > 0:34:33- Let's rise above that, shall we? - You're right.

0:34:33 > 0:34:36It's just, it's a TV series I did a long time ago

0:34:36 > 0:34:41and I'm trying to, like, you know, sort of...change the record.

0:34:41 > 0:34:44All right. Sorry, my fault. I did Rob yesterday,

0:34:44 > 0:34:47and he does a fantastic impersonation of you.

0:34:47 > 0:34:50They said, "Make it like Steve Coogan." Well, Steve,

0:34:50 > 0:34:55no matter what he's doing, is basically, "Oh, you're so dirty!"

0:34:55 > 0:35:00I mean, that's basically whether he's Walter, Tristram, Steve or Alan Partridge,

0:35:00 > 0:35:03it all boils down to that. Steve's hero is Roger Moore and, er...

0:35:03 > 0:35:06Roger Moore's style of acting is not...

0:35:06 > 0:35:10- MIMICS ROGER MOORE:- ..a million miles away from Steve's.

0:35:10 > 0:35:14If you do an impression, I see it as a sincere form a flattery.

0:35:14 > 0:35:17He pretends he's taking the piss but he loves me really.

0:35:17 > 0:35:22- I think he's a bit obsessed with me. - Steve Coogan, why Tristram Shandy?

0:35:22 > 0:35:25This is the book that many people say is unfilmable.

0:35:25 > 0:35:31Erm, I think that's the attraction. Erm... Tristram Shandy

0:35:31 > 0:35:34was a post-modern classic,

0:35:34 > 0:35:37er, written before there was any modernism to be post about.

0:35:37 > 0:35:40So it was way ahead of its time and, er, in fact,

0:35:40 > 0:35:43for those who haven't heard of it,

0:35:43 > 0:35:49it was actually listed as number eight on the Observer's, er, Top 100 Books Of All Time.

0:35:49 > 0:35:51That was a chronological list.

0:35:51 > 0:35:53- Right. Well...- OK.

0:35:53 > 0:35:57'If you want to see the interview, it'll be part of the DVD package,

0:35:57 > 0:36:00'along with extended versions of many of the scenes

0:36:00 > 0:36:03'which should act as footnotes to the main film.'

0:36:03 > 0:36:06It's called The Life And Opinions Of Tristram Shandy,

0:36:06 > 0:36:10so I guess it would be Tristram's story, whatever else you might hear.

0:36:10 > 0:36:15- Steve Coogan, Tristram Shandy, thank you.- Thank you.

0:36:15 > 0:36:18OK, thanks. Great.

0:36:18 > 0:36:24- I was pleased when I heard you were doing this. It's my favourite novel. - Really?- I love it. It's fantastic.

0:36:24 > 0:36:28Who's playing Widow Wadman? It's my favourite character in the book.

0:36:28 > 0:36:31- She's not in the film.- No?- No.

0:36:31 > 0:36:35- It's a great love story.- I know, in the book it's a great love story

0:36:35 > 0:36:39- but there's so much in the book, they've gotta...- I understand.

0:36:39 > 0:36:44- Time for a drink?- I can't. The bloody missus is here, so...

0:36:44 > 0:36:47- Don't you worry. - Let's catch up in Manchester.- OK.

0:36:47 > 0:36:50- Great seein' you. - Lovely to see you again.- OK.

0:36:50 > 0:36:52- All right, boy.- Thank you.

0:36:52 > 0:36:54Ed?!

0:36:56 > 0:37:00- Oh, Mark, er, I need to talk to you about something.- Shoes, yeah?

0:37:00 > 0:37:04- Yeah. There's a bit of a problem. - Talk to Debbie about them.- OK.

0:37:04 > 0:37:07We'll have a look at the rushes, as well, for the battle stuff.

0:37:07 > 0:37:10- It's a status thing. - I understand.

0:37:10 > 0:37:12- Eight o'clock, is that all right? - Yeah.

0:37:14 > 0:37:17Steve. Steve, hi. Can I grab a lift with you?

0:37:17 > 0:37:20The, erm, minibus has gone and left me stranded.

0:37:22 > 0:37:26- Yeah, sure. Yeah, er, just hop in the back.- All right.

0:37:26 > 0:37:29- It's quite chilly, isn't it? - It is.- Yeah.

0:37:29 > 0:37:31Brrrrrrrr!

0:37:34 > 0:37:38Oh, sorry, Steve. I'm blocking your way.

0:37:42 > 0:37:46- I'd screen-test for Alexander Payne, yeah.- Steve, so would I.

0:37:46 > 0:37:48So would Rob Brydon.

0:37:52 > 0:37:55Oh, er, OK, I'll see you back at the hotel. OK, bye.

0:37:55 > 0:37:59- Sorry, that was my agent.- My agent as well.- He just wants to talk to me

0:37:59 > 0:38:02- about some scripts from America. - Right.- Yeah.

0:38:02 > 0:38:05- IN AMERICAN ACCENT: - Fuck you, asshole!

0:38:05 > 0:38:11Fuck you, you son-of-a-bitch asshole! Fuck you!

0:38:11 > 0:38:14I'm taking you down!

0:38:14 > 0:38:16I hate battle scenes.

0:38:16 > 0:38:19I think they're boring. I just don't understand

0:38:19 > 0:38:22- why they're re-shooting this one. - I couldn't agree more.

0:38:22 > 0:38:26There is so much in that novel. Why would you choose THAT?

0:38:26 > 0:38:30- Do you know what I mean?- Exactly. Why not choose Widow...what's-her-name?

0:38:30 > 0:38:35No, cos that's a love story. Love stories are just as boring as battles.

0:38:35 > 0:38:39What is so original and exciting about the novel

0:38:39 > 0:38:43- is the Tristrapaedia. - Where Tristram...?

0:38:43 > 0:38:47No. No, it's, er, where, erm, Walter spends the entire pregnancy,

0:38:47 > 0:38:51like, compiling this book of knowledge, like an encyclopaedia,

0:38:51 > 0:38:54just for his son.

0:38:54 > 0:38:57The Jewish custom of circumcision came to the Jews

0:38:57 > 0:39:01by way of Egypt, or possibly from the Syrians,

0:39:01 > 0:39:05or the Phoenicians or the Cappadocians, which suggests...

0:39:06 > 0:39:11..that, er, Solon, and Pythagoras and Ptolemy

0:39:11 > 0:39:13were all circumcised.

0:39:13 > 0:39:16If they submitted to it, why not you?

0:39:18 > 0:39:22- I think that's brilliant. - I love the, erm...dedication

0:39:22 > 0:39:26that Walter shows to his son. I can really identify with that.

0:39:26 > 0:39:29In the end, you know, like, Tristram grows up

0:39:29 > 0:39:32and he's nothing like his father wanted him to be,

0:39:32 > 0:39:36it just all goes wrong, like we all go wrong, because ultimately

0:39:36 > 0:39:40- the way we turn out is just all a matter of chance, you know?- Yeah.

0:39:40 > 0:39:43Like, for instance, my mum, she, like, spent her entire life

0:39:43 > 0:39:47dedicating herself to me. She washed, she cooked,

0:39:47 > 0:39:50she cleaned, she ironed, she worked in the evenings.

0:39:50 > 0:39:54- She made her life a fucking misery. - Yeah.

0:39:54 > 0:39:57You ask yourself, "What was that all about?"

0:39:57 > 0:40:00- Look at the road. TYRES SCREECH - Sorry.

0:40:00 > 0:40:04But you do ask yourself, like, "What is that all about?" You know?

0:40:05 > 0:40:08That should be in the film.

0:40:09 > 0:40:13You know, originally, I was gonna play Tristram and Walter.

0:40:13 > 0:40:16Yeah, that's when it was gonna be a sitcom.

0:40:26 > 0:40:29God, look at them! This is gonna be massive!

0:40:32 > 0:40:34SHOUTING

0:40:35 > 0:40:39There's loads of them! They've all brought their own tents.

0:40:39 > 0:40:43I didn't know they had caravans in the 18th century.

0:40:50 > 0:40:53Steve! How you doin', man?

0:40:53 > 0:40:58- Knowing me, Gary Wilton, knowing you, Steve Coogan. - It's eight years ago, that series.

0:40:58 > 0:41:01- I know, but everyone loved it. - I know.- We met on the set

0:41:01 > 0:41:04of Around The World and in Cannes for 24 Hour Party.

0:41:04 > 0:41:08- Oh, right.- What a night, eh?- I can't remember it. Must've been good.

0:41:08 > 0:41:11Yeah, indeed. Listen, er, I spoke to your agent.

0:41:11 > 0:41:16- I'm doing a profile on you for Sunday.- I'll talk to him. - Yeah, great. Good guy.

0:41:17 > 0:41:20- Hello!- Hello! - How are you?- I'm good.

0:41:20 > 0:41:24- How are you?- Nice to see you. - BABY CRIES - Nice to hear us!

0:41:24 > 0:41:27- You look fantastic. - I look dreadful.

0:41:27 > 0:41:31No, you look like a mum who's having to do everything

0:41:31 > 0:41:34- cos her husband is away filming. - She's got a nanny!

0:41:34 > 0:41:37- But she has a nanny, so that's OK. - Yeah.

0:41:37 > 0:41:39- See you later.- All right.

0:41:39 > 0:41:42I'm gonna try and get him down. Can you give us a hand?

0:41:42 > 0:41:47- I've gotta see Adrian. Five minutes and then I'll come back. - See you later.

0:41:47 > 0:41:51- Hello!- Hello! - How are you?- Very well.

0:41:51 > 0:41:53- You've just missed Jenny. - No, I just saw her.

0:41:53 > 0:41:58- Do you mind if I just have five minutes with Adrian? - Do you want me to go?

0:41:58 > 0:42:01- I'd like you to go, yeah. - I'll go in the other room.

0:42:01 > 0:42:04- Catch you later.- See you later.

0:42:04 > 0:42:08- Do you want a drink?- Yeah, can I have a vodka tonic, please?

0:42:08 > 0:42:11Ooh, the catering must be good!

0:42:11 > 0:42:15- Well, it has all these running snacks.- All snacks and no running, by the look of it.

0:42:15 > 0:42:18Sorry about Gary being here.

0:42:18 > 0:42:23Yeah, I just saw him outside. He's a very...unpleasant man.

0:42:23 > 0:42:26- Do you remember anyone called Hedda? - Gabler?

0:42:26 > 0:42:29- Gobbler.- She's a lap dancer,

0:42:29 > 0:42:34and by the sound of what she says you got up to in your hotel bedroom on the 20th January,

0:42:34 > 0:42:37you ought to be able to remember her.

0:42:39 > 0:42:43- Oh, fuck!- Did you have sex with her? - No.

0:42:43 > 0:42:46- Drugs?- No. - You didn't have sex with her?

0:42:46 > 0:42:49No.

0:42:49 > 0:42:51No, you didn't?

0:42:51 > 0:42:54No, I did.

0:42:54 > 0:42:57Anything weird?

0:43:00 > 0:43:03- Hmmmm. No.- Good.

0:43:03 > 0:43:07She's trying to sell her story to Gary's rag, that's why he's here.

0:43:07 > 0:43:11I promised him a feature if we can limit the damage.

0:43:11 > 0:43:14He wants to do a big spread on how your life has completely changed

0:43:14 > 0:43:18since you've had a baby. All very soft and fluffy.

0:43:18 > 0:43:22- Well, erm, I'm not going to do that, so...- Well, just think about it.

0:43:22 > 0:43:27- It's using my son. I'm not gonna do it, so...- Well, all right.

0:43:27 > 0:43:31Just do it. It's done. It's over. It's just...

0:43:32 > 0:43:35Look, here are the scripts from...America.

0:43:35 > 0:43:38The best of the bunch is HBO,

0:43:38 > 0:43:42it's an English aid worker who loses his memory and falls in love with his own daughter.

0:43:42 > 0:43:46I've read it. It's rubbish. It's just...

0:43:46 > 0:43:49- And it's TV, as well. - HBO do a lot of good stuff.

0:43:49 > 0:43:53I'm too young to play someone who falls in love with his daughter.

0:43:53 > 0:43:55You'd have to be a paedophile.

0:43:55 > 0:43:59You've gotta try and think two films ahead.

0:43:59 > 0:44:04- But don't you need two films for that?- That's what I'm trying to do.

0:44:04 > 0:44:09- I'm gonna see Jenny cos, er, I said, er...- The scripts.

0:44:09 > 0:44:12- Oh, the scripts! Add those to the rest.- Yeah.

0:44:12 > 0:44:14- See you at the rushes.- See you.

0:44:14 > 0:44:17- All right, cheers. Thanks.- Bye.

0:44:18 > 0:44:20Steve! Steve!

0:44:20 > 0:44:23- This is David Ingoldsby.- Hello.

0:44:23 > 0:44:26- A genuine 18th-century soldier. - 17th century.

0:44:26 > 0:44:31- You look good for your age. - He's got hundreds of enthusiasts

0:44:31 > 0:44:33and, erm, they're all willing, able

0:44:33 > 0:44:37- and, er...cheap.- We do it for nothing, to be honest with you.

0:44:37 > 0:44:40Don't tell him that, or you'll be doing it for nothing!

0:44:40 > 0:44:45- It'd be great to have a photo of you cos I am a huge fan.- Fire away.

0:44:45 > 0:44:49- Do you want me to take that for you? - Just point and shoot.- Okey-doke.

0:44:49 > 0:44:54- Steve's just been in, er, Around The World In 80 Days.- Any battles?

0:44:54 > 0:44:58- Erm, well, er, not really. - It was, er, a Jackie Chan film.

0:44:58 > 0:45:02Do you know, the, erm, the best battle scene is in Lancelot Du Lac.

0:45:02 > 0:45:05- Bresson?- Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the Bresson film.

0:45:05 > 0:45:10It's just these two knights and they're both encased in armour

0:45:10 > 0:45:13and they just keep clobbering each other. It goes on forever,

0:45:13 > 0:45:18just hitting and hitting and... It's actually...like a metaphor

0:45:18 > 0:45:21for life, you know? It's about the impossibility

0:45:21 > 0:45:27of connecting with another human being because we're all wearing these carapaces, this casing,

0:45:27 > 0:45:30this...this rubbish, really.

0:45:30 > 0:45:35And the more they hit and hit... actually, the less they impact.

0:45:36 > 0:45:41- It's...it's just really, really moving, actually.- Mm-hm.

0:45:41 > 0:45:43- Wow.- See you later.

0:45:43 > 0:45:45- OK. See you later.- See you later.

0:45:49 > 0:45:53- What was all that about? - Yeah, she is a bit of a film nut.

0:45:53 > 0:45:58- You should hear her when she's on about Fassbinder.- Fassbinder?

0:45:58 > 0:46:03I've got a list of the men that fell. 92 died that morning,

0:46:03 > 0:46:07so your chap was lucky to be alive. I could fix up your lot

0:46:07 > 0:46:10with real accurate names

0:46:10 > 0:46:13and then they could shout out their names to each other

0:46:13 > 0:46:17- in the heat of the battle. What do we think?- Thank you very much.

0:46:17 > 0:46:21- Thank you. - Have you seen Cold Mountain?- Yeah.

0:46:21 > 0:46:24- What did you think? - I thought it was good.

0:46:24 > 0:46:27I thought Nicole Kidman was a bit old, but it was a good film.

0:46:27 > 0:46:31- No, the battle scenes. - Oh, fantastic! Very, very good.

0:46:31 > 0:46:34That explosion and when he jumps down...

0:46:34 > 0:46:35Shite.

0:46:36 > 0:46:39Utter shite from beginning to end.

0:46:39 > 0:46:41Woefully inaccurate.

0:46:41 > 0:46:47- Right.- We wouldn't be interested in participating in a pantomime like that.

0:46:47 > 0:46:49Right.

0:46:49 > 0:46:52CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

0:46:56 > 0:47:01Splish-splash! Water! Look at you go!

0:47:01 > 0:47:05- Oh! Oh, God! - BABY CRIES

0:47:05 > 0:47:07Aw, dear!

0:47:07 > 0:47:10- Will you bath me later? - No, I won't.

0:47:10 > 0:47:14- Though you could do with one. - Those are pheromones.

0:47:14 > 0:47:17Mm-hm. Can you put the cot up?

0:47:17 > 0:47:21- A lot of women find that sexy. - Daddy gonna put your cot up?

0:47:29 > 0:47:32What's this?

0:47:32 > 0:47:34Bach.

0:47:34 > 0:47:37It has a calming effect on babies.

0:47:37 > 0:47:39My parents never played me Bach,

0:47:39 > 0:47:41they played me, er...the New Seekers.

0:47:41 > 0:47:44I turned out fine.

0:47:45 > 0:47:47- You like Bach, don't you? - GURGLING

0:47:47 > 0:47:50Yes, it makes you happy.

0:47:50 > 0:47:52- Jenny.- Yeah?

0:47:54 > 0:47:57Do you think I should have my nose straightened?

0:47:57 > 0:48:00Do you think I've got a character actor's nose

0:48:00 > 0:48:05- or a leading man's nose? - I think it's YOUR nose.

0:48:05 > 0:48:08I think when the time comes, I'm just gonna have a chin tuck

0:48:08 > 0:48:10and then leave it at that.

0:48:14 > 0:48:16Ssh!

0:48:16 > 0:48:18(He's just nodding off.)

0:48:20 > 0:48:24- KNOCK AT DOOR - (No! Don't answer it.)

0:48:29 > 0:48:31- Hey.- Hi.

0:48:31 > 0:48:35- Sorry to bother you, but they're screening the rushes now.- OK.

0:48:35 > 0:48:38- I'll slip into something more comfortable.- OK.

0:48:42 > 0:48:45- What is it? - Er, I've gotta go see the rushes.

0:48:46 > 0:48:50- Sorry, baby.- Do you have to? - Yeah. I won't be long.

0:48:50 > 0:48:52And I least I don't smell any more.

0:48:54 > 0:48:59These bottles are filthy. You'd think someone would clean those.

0:48:59 > 0:49:02- Joe!- Hiya! - How ya doin', mate?

0:49:02 > 0:49:05- How are ya?- Good. - How are the kids?- Good.

0:49:05 > 0:49:07- How many is it now?- Seven.

0:49:07 > 0:49:09- You've got seven children?- Yeah.

0:49:09 > 0:49:14One for every day of the week. There's a good Groucho Marx story.

0:49:14 > 0:49:16He meets a woman with seven children and says,

0:49:16 > 0:49:19"Why have you got seven kids?"

0:49:19 > 0:49:22And she says, "Because I love my husband." He says, "I love my cigar

0:49:22 > 0:49:25"but I take it out now and again."

0:49:25 > 0:49:29- Here's Mark. Have you got the tape? - No, Peter's got it.

0:49:31 > 0:49:35Mark's put together a rough assembly of the battle scenes

0:49:35 > 0:49:39and, as you all know, we had very little money when we shot it.

0:49:39 > 0:49:44We have a possibility of an exciting film, but with a small hole in it

0:49:44 > 0:49:47where the battle should be, which we need to re-shoot.

0:49:47 > 0:49:52Er, but we can talk about that after we've seen what we've got. OK, Peter, I'll do the lights.

0:50:03 > 0:50:06Mel Gibson's not gonna lose any sleep.

0:50:07 > 0:50:11The model is more impressive than this.

0:50:12 > 0:50:17'Stand by! Cannons to reload!' I am leading literally tens of men.

0:50:17 > 0:50:20This is the pole-vaulting team, yeah?

0:50:20 > 0:50:24- I think what we need is a bit of a score.- Yeah.- Who's the composer?

0:50:24 > 0:50:27We haven't, er, made any decisions about that.

0:50:33 > 0:50:35HALF-HEARTED APPLAUSE

0:50:35 > 0:50:39So, everybody, that's where we are now.

0:50:39 > 0:50:42- If anybody wants to say anything... - I think that that scene,

0:50:42 > 0:50:46because it looks so cheap, it actually makes it funnier.

0:50:46 > 0:50:50- It works cos it's funny. - It's not supposed to be funny.

0:50:50 > 0:50:52Toby's supposed to be funny,

0:50:52 > 0:50:56- the battle is supposed to look like a battle. - You looked good in your costume.

0:50:56 > 0:50:59- ALL: Yeah. - There's a problem with that, too,

0:50:59 > 0:51:03cos some of the costumes are...out of period, about 50 years out of date.

0:51:03 > 0:51:06I think I saw a Roman centurion at one point.

0:51:06 > 0:51:09You either go for proper, full-on Braveheart,

0:51:09 > 0:51:12clearly that's not an option,

0:51:12 > 0:51:16or you go for silly man in a comedy battle, which is well within our grasp.

0:51:16 > 0:51:20- We need to re-shoot it. - Gotta have the battle scene

0:51:20 > 0:51:24- or we haven't got the movie.- I was reading through some old drafts.

0:51:24 > 0:51:27- There never was a battle scene, was there?- No.

0:51:27 > 0:51:31What about the chestnut scene? When you asked us to finance the movie,

0:51:31 > 0:51:35you acted a scene where you dropped a hot chestnut down your trousers.

0:51:35 > 0:51:38'I mean, that's why we gave you the money.'

0:51:38 > 0:51:43- It went well, I thought.- Except it's not Walter who does it, is it?

0:51:43 > 0:51:46I mean, it won't be Steve doing it in the film.

0:51:46 > 0:51:49- Hang on. Are you serious?- It doesn't matter, though, cos it was just a...

0:51:49 > 0:51:52I've been practising that for weeks!

0:51:54 > 0:51:57'First I tried to keep it small.

0:51:57 > 0:52:01'Then I pushed the idea of him struggling to control the pain.

0:52:02 > 0:52:05'Then I just went for lots of energy.'

0:52:08 > 0:52:11That looks too contrived, that.

0:52:11 > 0:52:15- Do you wanna try it with a real hot chestnut?- Try it with a real one.

0:52:15 > 0:52:18Just experiment, see the general reaction. OK.

0:52:18 > 0:52:21Argh! Argh! Fuck! Shit! You've put it...!

0:52:21 > 0:52:24Fuck! Fuck!

0:52:24 > 0:52:27Argh! Just get it out! Please, mate, get it out! Please! Please!

0:52:27 > 0:52:31Argh! You've got your hand on me fucking knackers! Get off! Get off!

0:52:31 > 0:52:35Get off! Get your hand out! Jesus, man! Fuck! Ow!

0:52:35 > 0:52:40Fuck! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!

0:52:40 > 0:52:43It's out! Argh! Fuck! Argh!

0:52:43 > 0:52:46- Do you want some water? - Oh, fucking hell!- Some water?

0:52:46 > 0:52:50I'm all right, I'm all right! Fucking hell! Fuck!

0:52:50 > 0:52:53You had your fucking fingers on me arse-hole!

0:52:53 > 0:52:57- I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. - Fucking hell, man!- Very sorry.

0:52:57 > 0:53:02- I mean, you know, take 'em for dinner first, you know. Fuck!- Sorry.

0:53:02 > 0:53:04Oh! Ooh!

0:53:04 > 0:53:10- We've all seen battle scenes. How many times have we seen a chestnut scene?- We need more of Uncle Toby.

0:53:10 > 0:53:13Erm, Toby's character is the strongest character,

0:53:13 > 0:53:17it's the funniest character. The battle scene is Toby's scene.

0:53:17 > 0:53:22That's irrelevant. The bottom line is, how much will it cost?

0:53:22 > 0:53:25Well, we think we can pull it down for 100,000.

0:53:25 > 0:53:28See, I think the audience that will come and see this film

0:53:28 > 0:53:32- is not interested in big action sequences.- Anita,

0:53:32 > 0:53:36we don't have the luxury of time cos these guys are out there now,

0:53:36 > 0:53:39- loading up the muskets. - Don't try and hold us to ransom.

0:53:39 > 0:53:42- We need to talk about it. - Simon, take Anita and Greg off

0:53:42 > 0:53:46and chat about the things you need to chat about.

0:53:46 > 0:53:48- See you later, Steve.- Go.

0:53:48 > 0:53:52- There's a shoot issue. - It is an issue of status.

0:53:54 > 0:53:57Put the lights out, please.

0:54:00 > 0:54:04- You can hardly see the shoes.- I don't really see what the problem is.

0:54:04 > 0:54:07It is important, character-wise, to see that height difference,

0:54:07 > 0:54:09in terms of seniority of the characters.

0:54:11 > 0:54:15- Is there anything we can do about...?- Erm...

0:54:15 > 0:54:17- Are you all right?- Yeah.

0:54:17 > 0:54:21We can, erm... take an inch off Rob's heel

0:54:21 > 0:54:24and put a...thicker sole on Steve's shoe.

0:54:24 > 0:54:28- Are you all right with that? - That would be great.- OK.

0:54:28 > 0:54:33- Fabulous. Thank you very much.- Steve, are you coming to the meeting?

0:54:33 > 0:54:36- Well, that was brilliant.- Steve.

0:54:36 > 0:54:41- Steve, Gary's waiting in the, erm, in there.- All right. Mark.

0:54:41 > 0:54:44See you later. Listen, erm, er, I've got to talk to this guy.

0:54:44 > 0:54:48- Five minutes and I'll be up.- OK. - I wanna talk to you about that.

0:54:48 > 0:54:53Erm, sorry, love. Listen, er, I'm very sorry about the other night, OK?

0:54:53 > 0:54:57- It was last night, actually. - Oh, right. I was drunk.

0:54:57 > 0:55:01Just so I know, are you sorry because you kissed me

0:55:01 > 0:55:05- or are you sorry because you were drunk?- Er...both.

0:55:06 > 0:55:10Slightly less sorry that I kissed you cos it was very nice,

0:55:10 > 0:55:14- but I don't think it was, er... - Anyway, I'll leave you to it.- OK.

0:55:14 > 0:55:17- Hi.- Hey. All right, buddy?

0:55:17 > 0:55:20- How ya doin'?- Are you well? - Yeah, good.

0:55:20 > 0:55:23- Are we good?- Er, I've gotta go to a script meeting

0:55:23 > 0:55:26and I've gotta do the dad, the, kind of, boyfriend thing

0:55:26 > 0:55:31with Jenny and the baby. So can we postpone this till tomorrow morning?

0:55:33 > 0:55:37- Look...- No, you can but, listen, I've gotta be honest with ya,

0:55:37 > 0:55:40everyone wants to run the story about the girl. You don't want that

0:55:40 > 0:55:43- because it's weird... - It's not weird, just embarrassing.

0:55:43 > 0:55:48- Yeah, but she's saying some stuff about the...- I wanna play ball, too.

0:55:48 > 0:55:52- All right, so...- I appreciate this. Yeah, 7am tomorrow morning.

0:55:52 > 0:55:56- I don't think they'll go for it. - DOOR OPENS - What's better - the chicken

0:55:56 > 0:55:59- or the beef?- These rooms are fantastic, aren't they?

0:55:59 > 0:56:02- Yeah.- Yeah.

0:56:02 > 0:56:06I'm in the, er, Charles I suite. Apparently he stayed in there.

0:56:06 > 0:56:09Yeah, just before he was beheaded.

0:56:09 > 0:56:11- Is that true?- Yeah.

0:56:11 > 0:56:15- Do you want a drink, Steve? - I'll have a vodka tonic, please.

0:56:15 > 0:56:18Joe, can we talk about the script?

0:56:18 > 0:56:22Even if we get the battle scene shot, we're still gonna be under.

0:56:22 > 0:56:25It's a big book, there's plenty to choose from.

0:56:25 > 0:56:27I think I'll have the lamb shank.

0:56:27 > 0:56:30Given that the story's about Walter's love for his son,

0:56:30 > 0:56:35- then I think that Walter should be there at the birth. - It's the 18th century,

0:56:35 > 0:56:39men didn't do that. You are a 21st century man, but Walter can't be.

0:56:39 > 0:56:42He talks to the fucking camera. He can be emotional.

0:56:42 > 0:56:45If you saw Walter holding the baby in his arms,

0:56:45 > 0:56:48- you would forgive him all his flaws. - But it would look terrible.

0:56:48 > 0:56:52It'd be like in Robin Hood where Kevin Costner delivers a baby.

0:56:52 > 0:56:55The thing is, he's got a stupid mullet haircut.

0:56:55 > 0:57:00- What about those scenes that you pitched?- Like the black page?

0:57:00 > 0:57:04When the parson, Yorick, dies, the book has a completely black page.

0:57:05 > 0:57:09I don't know how interesting a black screen's gonna be for an audience.

0:57:09 > 0:57:11The original cover for Anarchy In The UK

0:57:11 > 0:57:15- was inspired by that page. - But Yorick isn't in the film.

0:57:15 > 0:57:19- He used to be.- Hardly anybody's in the film, that's the problem.

0:57:19 > 0:57:24- I like the black page.- Why did we want to spend a year of our lives making this film?

0:57:24 > 0:57:27- Because it's funny.- Is that all?

0:57:28 > 0:57:32- Is that not enough?- If it's genuinely funny, that is enough.

0:57:32 > 0:57:35But it has to be genuinely funny.

0:57:35 > 0:57:39What was all that stuff Patrick told us when we visited Shandy Hall?

0:57:39 > 0:57:42The theme of Tristram Shandy is a very simple one.

0:57:42 > 0:57:46Life is chaotic, it's amorphous - no matter how hard you try,

0:57:46 > 0:57:50you can't actually make it fit any shape. Tristram himself

0:57:50 > 0:57:53is trying to write his life story but it escapes him

0:57:53 > 0:57:57cos life is too full, too rich to be able to be captured by art.

0:57:57 > 0:58:01And his father, Walter, tries to plan every aspect

0:58:01 > 0:58:05of Tristram's birth, conception, childhood and so on,

0:58:05 > 0:58:09and his plans all go wrong. Walter puts it this way...

0:58:09 > 0:58:12Did any man ever receive so many lashes?

0:58:18 > 0:58:20HE SOBS

0:58:20 > 0:58:23Walter is the most unfortunate of men

0:58:23 > 0:58:27and if his life can be celebrated, then, so, too, can all of ours.

0:58:27 > 0:58:30What about Widow...Wadman?

0:58:30 > 0:58:33I've been pushing for that since the start.

0:58:33 > 0:58:36- That's a romantic comedy. - Oh, it's bollocks!

0:58:36 > 0:58:39Who will you have for Widow Wadman?

0:58:39 > 0:58:42- She might be free.- Kate Beckinsale?

0:58:42 > 0:58:44- That's good.- Gillian Anderson.

0:58:44 > 0:58:47We know that she loves the book and Mark met her in LA.

0:58:47 > 0:58:51- Did you?- We couldn't afford her - she'd cost more than the battle scene.

0:58:51 > 0:58:55- No, but Gillian Anderson is an American film star. - I think she's Canadian.

0:58:55 > 0:58:58I'd make it a real movie if I had a real star.

0:59:00 > 0:59:04- Two stars. - I don't see myself as a star.

0:59:04 > 0:59:08- I'm a craftsman, like a medieval craftsman.- With a Porsche?

0:59:08 > 0:59:12- Yeah, I'm a medieval craftsman with a Porsche.- Two stars.

0:59:12 > 0:59:16I just think that that's gonna be the review.

0:59:16 > 0:59:18THEY LAUGH

0:59:18 > 0:59:22"Tristram Shandy, two stars. Jonathan Ross."

0:59:22 > 0:59:25We can't get somebody in time.

0:59:25 > 0:59:28Well, I've only written three drafts with the widow in.

0:59:28 > 0:59:31I'm going to bed. I've gotta go and see Jenny.

0:59:31 > 0:59:34- See you later, Steve.- Bye, Steve.

0:59:34 > 0:59:37- See you later, Steve.- See ya.

0:59:41 > 0:59:43BABY CRIES Jenny?

0:59:52 > 0:59:55Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

0:59:55 > 0:59:57Hey!

0:59:57 > 0:59:59Hey! Awwww!

0:59:59 > 1:00:02Hey! Hey!

1:00:02 > 1:00:04Oh, dear, dear!

1:00:04 > 1:00:06There we go.

1:00:12 > 1:00:15Oops-a-daisy!

1:00:15 > 1:00:20# My Bonnie lies over the ocean

1:00:20 > 1:00:24# So bring back my Bonnie to me

1:00:24 > 1:00:27# Bring back

1:00:27 > 1:00:30# Bring back

1:00:30 > 1:00:34# Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. #

1:00:38 > 1:00:40ALL TALK

1:00:41 > 1:00:44- Ah, here he is!- Hello!

1:00:44 > 1:00:48Thank you! Sorry, just changing the baby's nappy.

1:00:48 > 1:00:50We heard it all.

1:00:50 > 1:00:54- It was very lovely. - # My Bonnie lies over the ocean... #

1:00:54 > 1:00:57Do you want to do a musical next?

1:00:57 > 1:01:00Oh, I see! You've been eavesdropping on me.

1:01:00 > 1:01:04- We're celebrating. - Brilliant idea, mate.

1:01:04 > 1:01:08- The money men are lapping it up. - Gillian Anderson said yes.

1:01:08 > 1:01:10- Really?- Yeah.

1:01:10 > 1:01:15- But we only spoke about it five minutes ago.- I know, but I phoned her agent in LA.

1:01:15 > 1:01:19- Joanna, hi.- Hi! - I'm calling about Tristram Shandy.

1:01:19 > 1:01:23- We're filming at the moment.- I know. I read the script. I love it!

1:01:23 > 1:01:27- Oh, great! I wanted to talk to you about Gillian Anderson. - She's right here.

1:01:27 > 1:01:30Oh, hello! Mark's right here.

1:01:30 > 1:01:34- Hi!- Hi, Gillian. Hi.

1:01:34 > 1:01:37- Hi, Mark.- Remember I was telling you about Tristram Shandy?

1:01:37 > 1:01:41- Oh, I love that novel!- We've decided to include the Widow Wadman...

1:01:41 > 1:01:46- I love that character!- ..and you know what a fan I am of yours, so...

1:01:46 > 1:01:49- Oh, that's so sweet of you! - Obviously, it's a low-budget film.

1:01:49 > 1:01:52- Don't worry about that.- That's fine.

1:01:52 > 1:01:55- Gillian's interested in the quality of work.- Great!

1:01:55 > 1:02:00- That's right.- We need you right away. - I can fly tomorrow.- OK, bye.

1:02:00 > 1:02:02- OK, bye!- Bye!

1:02:02 > 1:02:06- Yes.- Jesus, that was easy!

1:02:06 > 1:02:09- Yeah, that went well.- Well done!

1:02:09 > 1:02:12- So she's coming over tomorrow. - That's fantastic!

1:02:12 > 1:02:15- Was Gillian Anderson the one out of Baywatch?- No!

1:02:15 > 1:02:20- That's PAMELA Anderson.- We've already got one blonde with big tits. Why do we want another one?

1:02:20 > 1:02:24- You're rude!- Thanks.

1:02:24 > 1:02:28- I loved The X Files. - # My Bonnie lies over the sea... #

1:02:28 > 1:02:31Do you know, Rasputin had a wart on his penis.

1:02:31 > 1:02:35- We're gonna go upstairs.- OK. - Thank you so much for the champagne.

1:02:35 > 1:02:38- That was lovely. Bye.- Goodnight.

1:02:38 > 1:02:42- Night.- Just off to have a bit of sexual intercourse.

1:02:42 > 1:02:45- THEY LAUGH - Spare us the details!

1:02:45 > 1:02:49I don't think that's their baby. It just seems so unreal, so perfect.

1:02:49 > 1:02:54She's very good for him, very grounding for him. Don't you think?

1:02:56 > 1:02:59- Steve.- Jesus Christ!- Sorry. Sorry.

1:02:59 > 1:03:02- Can I have a very quick word with you?- How long have you been there?

1:03:02 > 1:03:07- I've just been waiting for you. Sorry, just two minutes.- Yeah, sure.

1:03:07 > 1:03:09Fine.

1:03:09 > 1:03:12SHE SIGHS

1:03:12 > 1:03:15Have you heard the news? They're trying to get Gillian Anderson

1:03:15 > 1:03:18- to play Widow Wadman. - That was my idea.- Was it?!

1:03:18 > 1:03:21Yeah, the Widow Wadman thing was my idea.

1:03:21 > 1:03:25You know how I feel about Gillian Anderson. I've got posters of her!

1:03:25 > 1:03:30- I think the woman's an angel.- I don't understood what the problem is.

1:03:30 > 1:03:32- Do you want a drink?- Yes, please.

1:03:32 > 1:03:34I'll have a vodka tonic, thanks.

1:03:36 > 1:03:39The thing is, I can't act...

1:03:39 > 1:03:44- I know that.- ..with Gillian Anderson. I have a proper sexual thing

1:03:44 > 1:03:49for Gillian Anderson, and if I have to do a love scene with her,

1:03:49 > 1:03:54- I will blush.- But Toby would blush. That's good. Channel that.

1:03:54 > 1:03:58- That's method acting.- Yeah, right. - Cheers.

1:03:58 > 1:04:01- There you go.- You've not got that many scenes with her, anyway.

1:04:01 > 1:04:04They're putting the whole of the love story in.

1:04:04 > 1:04:10Steve, you've read the book. It's 100 pages. You have given me

1:04:10 > 1:04:13a love story with my favourite,

1:04:13 > 1:04:18my ideal woman, my perfect ten-out-of-ten actress,

1:04:18 > 1:04:22and I am going to be stammering and stuttering

1:04:22 > 1:04:25my whole way through it. Thank you!

1:04:25 > 1:04:28Erm, right, I've gotta go and talk to Jenny.

1:04:28 > 1:04:32Listen, Jenny mentioned about this stuff with the, you know,

1:04:32 > 1:04:35- it's not been as good since the baby.- Did she?

1:04:35 > 1:04:39- All men lose their libido.- Rob, I don't have a problem with libido,

1:04:39 > 1:04:44I just don't have the fucking time! For fuck's sake!

1:04:45 > 1:04:48DOOR SLAMS

1:04:48 > 1:04:51- MIMICS STEVE:- I have no problem with my libido.

1:05:00 > 1:05:04- Have you seen my book anywhere? - What book?

1:05:04 > 1:05:07Tristram Shandy - which book do you think?

1:05:07 > 1:05:10There it is.

1:05:11 > 1:05:14What are you doing?

1:05:16 > 1:05:21- Come here!- Can you believe a book as thick as that

1:05:21 > 1:05:25- hasn't got an index? - It's a novel, not a cookbook.

1:05:25 > 1:05:27Widow Wadman...

1:05:27 > 1:05:30- Widow Wadman...- It's book six.

1:05:30 > 1:05:35- How do you know that? - And book eight and book nine.

1:05:35 > 1:05:38So you knew it would be for Rob, and yet...?

1:05:38 > 1:05:42- What are you talking about? - Rob now has a bigger part than me.

1:05:42 > 1:05:45- Bet he hasn't! - He's got the battle scene

1:05:45 > 1:05:48and he's got Agent Mulder from...

1:05:48 > 1:05:50Scully.

1:05:51 > 1:05:53And he's got big heels.

1:05:53 > 1:05:58And you've got me, and you've got a baby

1:05:58 > 1:06:00and you're playing Tristram Shandy.

1:06:00 > 1:06:03Yeah, I am playing Tristram Shandy, and you know what?

1:06:03 > 1:06:08- At the end of the book, he's not even born. Who told me that? No-one. - Steve...

1:06:08 > 1:06:12I have travelled 200 miles by train with a baby

1:06:12 > 1:06:16- just to have sex with you. - OK, this is not about my libido.

1:06:16 > 1:06:19I've got a...

1:06:19 > 1:06:22' "Presently, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood

1:06:22 > 1:06:26' "in telling the reader my Uncle Toby fell in love." Fuck.'

1:06:26 > 1:06:31She's a wealthy widow. She sees Toby,

1:06:31 > 1:06:35she falls for him, but she's worried about his equipment.

1:06:35 > 1:06:38' "..a man is fallen in love, deeply in love,

1:06:38 > 1:06:40' "up to the ears in love." '

1:06:40 > 1:06:45If it is not intrusive, Captain Shandy,

1:06:45 > 1:06:49I am agog as to what actually occurred at the Siege of Namur.

1:06:49 > 1:06:52I have a model just yonder of the city

1:06:52 > 1:06:55as it appeared to the besieging forces

1:06:55 > 1:07:00- on that morning in 1695. - You interest me strangely.

1:07:00 > 1:07:04The English and the Scots came out of trenches on the right.

1:07:04 > 1:07:09I'm quite perspiring with anticipation.

1:07:10 > 1:07:13You must know, Captain Shandy,

1:07:13 > 1:07:16that I have taken an interest in you,

1:07:16 > 1:07:21but...before we go further on that matter,

1:07:21 > 1:07:26I must reassure myself of your...fitness

1:07:26 > 1:07:28for marriage,

1:07:28 > 1:07:32of the state of your equipment.

1:07:34 > 1:07:36Would you like to see my model?

1:07:36 > 1:07:41I must know EXACTLY where you were injured.

1:07:41 > 1:07:44Madam, I'll show you

1:07:44 > 1:07:46the exact spot.

1:07:46 > 1:07:50- Are you sure? - You can put your finger on it.

1:07:50 > 1:07:53- Just beyond the asparagus. - Yes, quite right.

1:07:53 > 1:07:55Out of the way.

1:07:55 > 1:08:00I am flattered, Captain Shandy, that you would take me so far

1:08:00 > 1:08:02into your confidence.

1:08:02 > 1:08:04I received my injury

1:08:04 > 1:08:07at nine of the clock

1:08:07 > 1:08:09- right here.- That was great!

1:08:10 > 1:08:12- Thank you.- Fantastic!

1:08:12 > 1:08:15Rob. Rob, this is Steve from the New York Times.

1:08:15 > 1:08:20- Hey, I'd love to do a piece on you. - That was a really good job, by the way.

1:08:20 > 1:08:24- You...!- Was it good? - Yeah, great.- Where's Steve?

1:08:24 > 1:08:27- I really wanted him to see that one. - Steve's over there.

1:08:27 > 1:08:29Hello!

1:08:29 > 1:08:35- Rob! Rob!- Did you hear my laugh? - I heard A laugh.

1:08:35 > 1:08:38- Steve Coogan? Hi.- Hello.

1:08:38 > 1:08:42Very pleased to meet you. Sorry about this.

1:08:42 > 1:08:46- I didn't realise you were so small. - Much smaller than me.

1:08:46 > 1:08:49- Come and see.- This membrane looks like it's about to burst.

1:08:49 > 1:08:52..and then there'll be a muscular spasm.

1:08:52 > 1:08:55- Fuck!- Oh, my God! - THEY ALL LAUGH

1:08:56 > 1:08:58Jesus!

1:08:58 > 1:09:01That's the funniest thing he's done for years!

1:09:01 > 1:09:03- That's disgusting. - I don't know why I'm so small!

1:09:03 > 1:09:07- I didn't realise he was so small. - He really is small.- He's tiny.

1:09:07 > 1:09:11- Rob?! Rob?!- That's his actual size.

1:09:11 > 1:09:14Rob, I thought you were a mate!

1:09:35 > 1:09:37BANGING

1:09:38 > 1:09:40FIREWORK WHISTLES

1:09:54 > 1:09:58- You should go to LA and spend some time there.- I would go but...

1:09:58 > 1:10:02- Do some meetings. - I want to go.- You should.

1:10:02 > 1:10:06You're gonna be hot after this movie.

1:10:06 > 1:10:08I just wanted to apologise

1:10:08 > 1:10:12for the fact that this is a complete historical cock-up. To make it a bit more fun,

1:10:12 > 1:10:15I'm gonna give everybody a character name, OK?

1:10:15 > 1:10:18Eli Thrift.

1:10:18 > 1:10:20Erm, Free Fornication Williams.

1:10:20 > 1:10:26- Pikeman, have you got a pipe?- Yeah. - Well, then, you shouldn't be wearing a gorget. Take it off.

1:10:28 > 1:10:31Have you heard? They're so chuffed about Gillian Anderson,

1:10:31 > 1:10:35- they're gonna give us some money for the battle scene.- Great.

1:10:35 > 1:10:38Joe's had an idea for the birth scene so you can be there.

1:10:38 > 1:10:41- Oh, brilliant! That's great. - I'll see you later.

1:10:43 > 1:10:45Where's your pretty wife, Steve?

1:10:56 > 1:11:00- Hello.- So, they're gonna have the love story AND the battle scene.

1:11:00 > 1:11:05It's great. It's like some Hollywood version of Tristram Shandy.

1:11:05 > 1:11:08Yeah. Fassbinder would never have sold out like that.

1:11:08 > 1:11:11- You know Fassbinder?- Mm.

1:11:11 > 1:11:14Wow! Which is your favourite film?

1:11:16 > 1:11:19The whole... The corpus, the body of work.

1:11:19 > 1:11:21Fear Eats The Soul.

1:11:22 > 1:11:25- Yeah. - There's more truth in that title

1:11:25 > 1:11:28- than there is in most whole movies, you know?- Yeah.

1:11:28 > 1:11:33The thing is, you know, he's such a powerful writer.

1:11:33 > 1:11:36You know Schatten Der Engel? That is my favourite.

1:11:36 > 1:11:40- Do you know that one?- Er, is that the one with all the sex in it?

1:11:40 > 1:11:45No, it's where, erm... Ingrid Caven is this prostitute, right,

1:11:45 > 1:11:48but she's so beautiful that she doesn't even need to, like,

1:11:48 > 1:11:52touch the punters, they're just happy to, like, sit in a room

1:11:52 > 1:11:57and just look at her. The thing is that humanity is so disgusting

1:11:57 > 1:12:01that they kind of, like, invade and pollute her with their problems

1:12:01 > 1:12:04and their insecurities so that in the end,

1:12:04 > 1:12:07it's actually better for her to just fuck them.

1:12:07 > 1:12:10It's cleaner for her to fuck them than listen to them.

1:12:10 > 1:12:13So you're watching the move and you're just like, "Just fuck them!"

1:12:13 > 1:12:16- Do you know what I mean? - Fuck them, yeah.

1:12:19 > 1:12:21Fill me with your babies.

1:12:24 > 1:12:27Wait. Wait.

1:12:27 > 1:12:31Wait. Wh-Wh-Wh-What did you just say then?

1:12:31 > 1:12:34- Sorry?- What did you just say then? - I don't know.

1:12:34 > 1:12:38- I think I said, "Fuck me," I think. - No, you...

1:12:38 > 1:12:41No, you said something else. That's not what you said.

1:12:41 > 1:12:45- It's what I meant.- Listen, erm,

1:12:45 > 1:12:49you are fantastically attractive

1:12:49 > 1:12:54and your knowledge of German cinema is second to none,

1:12:54 > 1:12:56but, er...

1:12:56 > 1:12:58er, I've gotta get back to Jenny.

1:13:00 > 1:13:03I've got work in the morning, it's an early start.

1:13:03 > 1:13:07- I'm gonna get to bed. - 6:30am call, eh?- Yeah.

1:13:08 > 1:13:11- Goodnight.- Yeah, goodnight.

1:13:11 > 1:13:13I am Spartacus!

1:13:16 > 1:13:18I am Spartacus!

1:13:18 > 1:13:21I am Spartacus!

1:13:22 > 1:13:24Jennie, I am Spartacus.

1:13:26 > 1:13:29I am Spartacus!

1:13:29 > 1:13:34- I am Spartacus!- I am Spartacus!

1:13:49 > 1:13:53Where have you been? You're freezing.

1:13:55 > 1:13:58I had a nightmare.

1:14:08 > 1:14:10I've missed you.

1:14:11 > 1:14:13I've missed you.

1:14:19 > 1:14:22I love you.

1:14:49 > 1:14:51KNOCK AT DOOR

1:14:52 > 1:14:56- Steve, it's time to get up. - HE GROANS

1:14:56 > 1:14:58KNOCK AT DOOR

1:15:01 > 1:15:05Morning. Your car will be ready in half an hour, OK?

1:15:05 > 1:15:07Right. Thanks. Thanks, Jennie.

1:15:11 > 1:15:15- Sorry.- You'll be OK for a couple of minutes.

1:15:16 > 1:15:18SHE GIGGLES

1:15:21 > 1:15:23Oh, God, you're so lucky!

1:15:23 > 1:15:25SHE LAUGHS

1:15:28 > 1:15:31- RADIO:- 'The headlines. The Americans have conceded

1:15:31 > 1:15:35'that insurgents in Iraq are as strong now as they were a year ago.

1:15:35 > 1:15:39'More terror suspects are expected to be freed today as time runs out

1:15:39 > 1:15:45'for the existing powers under which they are detained. And what Churchill thought of India.

1:15:45 > 1:15:48'Today's newsreader, Charlotte Green.

1:15:48 > 1:15:52'A senior American general has said the insurgents in Iraq

1:15:52 > 1:15:55'have lost none of their capacity to launch attacks...'

1:15:57 > 1:15:59Morning. Morning.

1:15:59 > 1:16:04- Morning.- Erm, Rob, did you want me to get you some breakfast?

1:16:04 > 1:16:06- I'll have a coffee.- OK, sure.

1:16:06 > 1:16:10- Are the caterers here?- Yeah. Want me to get you breakfast, Dylan?

1:16:10 > 1:16:12No, no, I'll go with you.

1:16:12 > 1:16:15IN IRISH ACCENT: Top o' the mornin' to ya.

1:16:15 > 1:16:17See you.

1:16:18 > 1:16:20Morning, erm...

1:16:20 > 1:16:24- Rr-r-r-r-o...- Rob. - Rob, that's it. Well done.

1:16:24 > 1:16:28It's this shoe business. It goes on all day between Steve and Rob.

1:16:28 > 1:16:32Steve, I've got the shoes... for you. They've been built up,

1:16:32 > 1:16:35- so you'll feel a lot taller.- Steve, a bit odd, isn't she - Jennie?

1:16:35 > 1:16:40- She's a bit, erm...a bit intense. - Very, yeah. Hard work.

1:16:41 > 1:16:45You know, this shoe thing, I think we're fine as we are.

1:16:45 > 1:16:48- I spent all night working on these. - We've got spare ones.

1:16:48 > 1:16:51- Sorry, love, we've got spare ones, so...- OK.

1:16:51 > 1:16:53Sorry, love. Thank you.

1:16:55 > 1:16:57Erm... Ahem!

1:16:57 > 1:17:01- Erm, Steve...- Well handled. - This is the coat for the scene

1:17:01 > 1:17:05- where you take your wig off. Can you try it on for me?- Sure.

1:17:06 > 1:17:09- Like that?- Take your wig off with the right hand

1:17:09 > 1:17:13and pull the hanky out of the right-hand pocket with the left hand.

1:17:13 > 1:17:17- ROB LAUGHS See, I mean, that's... - You look like Lee Evans.

1:17:17 > 1:17:20It looks like the pockets are too low.

1:17:20 > 1:17:24- It looks like they've been placed there for comic effect.- Here we go.

1:17:24 > 1:17:29"In the latter end of Queen Anne's reign and in the beginning of King George I,

1:17:29 > 1:17:32"coat pockets were cut very low down in the skirt."

1:17:32 > 1:17:35Mm. The pockets can be both technically accurate

1:17:35 > 1:17:39- and still look contrived. - It's historical

1:17:39 > 1:17:43- but it's not hysterical.- Yeah.

1:17:45 > 1:17:49- Hey, Joe!- Hello, Steve. Listen, I'll see you tomorrow.

1:17:49 > 1:17:53- Where ya going?- I'm gonna get the kids to, er, see the battle.

1:17:53 > 1:17:57- Brilliant. How did the pages go? - All done and dusted, yeah.

1:17:57 > 1:18:02- Fantastic.- Tried to give the physical and emotional impact of having a baby on Walter.

1:18:02 > 1:18:04- Yes!- Ya all right? - Yes, very well.

1:18:04 > 1:18:07- Listen, we've gotta get a shift on, mate.- OK.

1:18:07 > 1:18:11- I need to get a train.- I'm gonna need five minutes with Gary, so...

1:18:11 > 1:18:14- 10, 15 minutes. - Does Mark know about this?

1:18:14 > 1:18:17He doesn't know. Tell him not to worry.

1:18:17 > 1:18:20I just wanna do, er, a really general piece.

1:18:20 > 1:18:24- You know the type of thing.- Yeah. - Steve Coogan the actor,

1:18:24 > 1:18:26Steve Coogan the family man,

1:18:26 > 1:18:31and, with the novel being called The Life And Opinions Of Tristram Shandy,

1:18:31 > 1:18:34I thought we'd call the piece The Life And Opinions Of Steve Coogan.

1:18:34 > 1:18:39- Great. That's good. Tie it in. - Yeah, exactly.

1:18:39 > 1:18:43- Erm, obviously you've just become a father, yeah?- Yeah.

1:18:43 > 1:18:46So let's do a bit about the family to start off with.

1:18:46 > 1:18:50- What does it mean to you? - Well, it's everything to me.

1:18:52 > 1:18:55- Hi, babe.- Hiya.

1:18:57 > 1:19:01- How is he? - He's a bit...grumpy this morning.

1:19:01 > 1:19:04- Sorry.- Sorry.

1:19:04 > 1:19:09Steve, we've got your other baby next door, if you'd like to come and do a bit of bonding.

1:19:09 > 1:19:14- I've not told you about the other baby, have I?- It won't take a minute.

1:19:14 > 1:19:16- OK. I'll see you in a bit, love. - See you.

1:19:19 > 1:19:22I've got the new size from Joe for the scene, as well.

1:19:22 > 1:19:25- Yeah, he spoke to me this morning. - He's pleased with it.- Great.

1:19:25 > 1:19:29- This is, er, Rachel...- Hiya. - ..and little Tristram.

1:19:29 > 1:19:31- Ah!- I'll catch you later.- OK.

1:19:31 > 1:19:35- He's got a better hairline than me. - She's a girl, actually.

1:19:35 > 1:19:37- Oh.- I hope that's not a problem.

1:19:37 > 1:19:40No, I'm very in touch with my female side.

1:19:40 > 1:19:43- Is everyone miked up?- Yeah.

1:19:43 > 1:19:45OK. All right.

1:19:45 > 1:19:49- Ed.- Yes?- Let's get it all locked up. - Yeah, OK.

1:19:49 > 1:19:51Can we get this moving now? Thanks.

1:19:51 > 1:19:53She likes you. She's very happy.

1:19:53 > 1:19:56Hey! Awwww!

1:19:56 > 1:19:58She's so small.

1:20:00 > 1:20:03- Steve.- Yeah? - They're ready for you on set.

1:20:03 > 1:20:06- Back to Mummy.- OK.

1:20:06 > 1:20:10OK. OK. Er, I've gotta just go and say goodbye to Jenny.

1:20:10 > 1:20:12- I have to say goodbye.- OK.

1:20:14 > 1:20:17- Three days in a row you've been screaming.- It's only one more day.

1:20:17 > 1:20:19I hope it finishes today.

1:20:24 > 1:20:27- Mornin'.- Morning. How are you?

1:20:30 > 1:20:32Thank you. Thanks. Are you all right?

1:20:32 > 1:20:35Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?

1:20:35 > 1:20:38Joe has written this part where Walter's there at the birth

1:20:38 > 1:20:41- and it's really important. - It's fine.

1:20:41 > 1:20:46- Steve...they're waiting for you on set.- OK. All right.

1:20:46 > 1:20:49- Listen, have a safe journey. I'll see you at the weekend.- OK.

1:20:49 > 1:20:52And would you have had a baby with me

1:20:52 > 1:20:55- if I really had a nose like that?- No.

1:20:56 > 1:21:00- I'll give you a call when I get there.- OK. I love you.

1:21:01 > 1:21:04- It doesn't seem right. - No, it's wrong.

1:21:04 > 1:21:07OK. Sorry about that.

1:21:07 > 1:21:09HE SIGHS

1:21:19 > 1:21:21It's not continuous, we've jumped in time.

1:21:21 > 1:21:25- We've jumped in time.- OK. - We're gonna take that moment

1:21:25 > 1:21:28- when the kid's about to be born. - Right.- From here.

1:21:28 > 1:21:30The very end of it, then?

1:21:30 > 1:21:32- The very end of it. OK?- Right.

1:21:32 > 1:21:34- Mark...- Hi.

1:21:34 > 1:21:37Erm, right.

1:21:45 > 1:21:47Can you hold the work, please? >

1:21:49 > 1:21:52- Hold the work! So, Steve...- Yeah?

1:21:52 > 1:21:58We'll have about 40 seconds of...effort before your entrance, OK?

1:22:11 > 1:22:13Do you see what's happening?

1:22:17 > 1:22:20I can see something, ma'am!

1:22:24 > 1:22:25SHE SCREAMS

1:22:28 > 1:22:30SHE CRIES

1:22:32 > 1:22:34OK, Steve.

1:22:36 > 1:22:39A little more, ma'am. A little more.

1:22:39 > 1:22:41- Now!- That's it.

1:22:43 > 1:22:46That's it, ma'am.

1:22:46 > 1:22:48There. There!

1:22:51 > 1:22:53There. That's it!

1:22:54 > 1:22:59- BABY CRIES - He's handsome, ma'am. He's a handsome...boy.

1:22:59 > 1:23:02He's a big boy.

1:23:10 > 1:23:14HALF-HEARTED APPLAUSE

1:23:16 > 1:23:20Thanks very much, everybody. There's a drink through there,

1:23:20 > 1:23:22so, er...if you'd just like to go on through.

1:23:22 > 1:23:25- What happened?- Erm...

1:23:26 > 1:23:30- So, what did you think?- Can you tell that's not me on the horse?

1:23:30 > 1:23:32- Yes.- Do you ride a horse?

1:23:32 > 1:23:35- Yes.- You look like you've never been on a horse before.

1:23:35 > 1:23:40- You were funny, charismatic... - Charismatic?- You looked so dashing.

1:23:40 > 1:23:43- I looked so dashing?- You did. - I was dashing. I dashed.

1:23:43 > 1:23:47- What happened to the whole Widow Wadman story?- How much did you do?

1:23:47 > 1:23:50I shot, like, two weeks.

1:23:50 > 1:23:53I mean, the house is way too big for Shandy Hall,

1:23:53 > 1:23:55but that's what they wanted, so...

1:23:55 > 1:23:58- I thought you were fantastic, by the way.- And you.

1:23:58 > 1:24:01All right. See you in a bit.

1:24:04 > 1:24:07- Just great.- Thank you. Yes, rather good, wasn't it?

1:24:07 > 1:24:10I thought we were gonna get the big emotional scene with the baby.

1:24:10 > 1:24:13Yeah, well, the 18th century, it didn't work.

1:24:13 > 1:24:17We thought the scene with Steve and the baby playing young Tristram

1:24:17 > 1:24:21would give us the emotion and still be true to the original story.

1:24:21 > 1:24:26- I always forget how short I am. - I can't believe that was the whole fucking movie!

1:24:26 > 1:24:30- I think we look like a nice couple, don't you?- D'you reckon?

1:24:30 > 1:24:34- Where is the battle scene? - Yeah, where's the battle?

1:24:35 > 1:24:37It wasn't funny.

1:24:37 > 1:24:40So, how many drinks do you have a day?

1:24:40 > 1:24:42I have, I don't know, er, a number.

1:24:42 > 1:24:46And I purposely have a pay-as-you-go and I only keep £10 on it

1:24:46 > 1:24:50so that I can't stay on the phone long, so that I'm quickly off.

1:24:50 > 1:24:54- How does the book end? - The book's got a great ending.

1:24:54 > 1:24:57Tell me, Parson Yorick... why are we so delicate

1:24:57 > 1:25:02about the subject of passion? Why do we put a candle out

1:25:02 > 1:25:08- when we try to make a child?- I am not sure everyone DOES put out a candle, Sir Walter.

1:25:08 > 1:25:12There, you see, Walter, not everybody does put the candle out. I have on occasion

1:25:12 > 1:25:16- asked for the candle to be left, but...- Be that as it may,

1:25:16 > 1:25:20why do we glorify the act of killing, the act of destroying a man?

1:25:20 > 1:25:25We honour the weapons with which we do it, we write about them, we paint them.

1:25:25 > 1:25:30- Obadiah. - Good evening, Parson Yorick.

1:25:30 > 1:25:33Has that, erm, that cow of yours calved yet?

1:25:33 > 1:25:37Well, er, that's just it, my cow has not calved yet.

1:25:38 > 1:25:42"Will thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live..."

1:25:42 > 1:25:46'It so happened that Obadiah was married

1:25:46 > 1:25:49'on the same day my father's bull was introduced to his cow.

1:25:49 > 1:25:53'Now, the custom was that my father's bull served all the cows

1:25:53 > 1:25:56'in the parish. But the parish was so large,

1:25:56 > 1:26:00'my father's bull was not equal to the task.'

1:26:00 > 1:26:03But, as he went about his business with a grave face,

1:26:03 > 1:26:07my father regarded him very highly.

1:26:07 > 1:26:11'When the baby was born, Obadiah hoped the cow would calve.

1:26:11 > 1:26:13'She didn't.'

1:26:16 > 1:26:19- May not a cow be barren? - Never happen.

1:26:19 > 1:26:23My bull, if you attack his character, you attack his life.

1:26:23 > 1:26:27- Good Lord, what is this story all about?- Cock-and-a-bull story.

1:26:28 > 1:26:30Cock

1:26:30 > 1:26:32and a...bull.

1:26:32 > 1:26:36- Cock and bull. A cock-and-bull tale. - THEY LAUGH

1:26:36 > 1:26:41A cock-and-bull story. Cock and bull!

1:26:42 > 1:26:45Cock and bull.

1:26:45 > 1:26:47Oh, brother! Sorry.

1:26:49 > 1:26:51And the best of its kind I ever heard.

1:26:58 > 1:27:00COCKEREL CROWS

1:27:00 > 1:27:02MOOING

1:27:08 > 1:27:10I like it.

1:27:10 > 1:27:12I thought it was good.

1:27:12 > 1:27:16That's the area. That's the area right there.

1:27:16 > 1:27:20- OK. OK. - What do you think, a little piece?

1:27:20 > 1:27:25Rob, I've seen enough. It's registered, logged.

1:27:25 > 1:27:28- How big is it?- It's not... - There is hair.

1:27:28 > 1:27:31- I know.- There is hair but it's very thin hair.

1:27:31 > 1:27:35- I know. I know.- Just trace with your finger the actual area.

1:27:35 > 1:27:38- Fucking hell, mate. - Just trace the area.- No!

1:27:38 > 1:27:41Right, like that. I'm just tickling the hair,

1:27:41 > 1:27:45- I'm not gonna touch your skin. - I can feel that.- Like that.

1:27:45 > 1:27:49- Can you arrange the hair that's there to cover it?- No!- Cos I can't.

1:27:49 > 1:27:52I'm not gonna touch your fuckin' head, Rob.

1:27:52 > 1:27:56Did I do more Al Pacino in the car scene?

1:27:56 > 1:27:59- I remember...- You did a lot more.

1:27:59 > 1:28:02- You did a lot more and I am, er... - Sad to see it go.

1:28:02 > 1:28:07- It served as a counterpoint to the stuff Naomie was doing.- It did.

1:28:07 > 1:28:12- AS AL PACINO:- I do a good Al. Shylock is my name.

1:28:12 > 1:28:14Did you see him in that?

1:28:14 > 1:28:18Yeah. I do a good Al Pacino, too, but I don't do it in front of people all the time.

1:28:18 > 1:28:22Because you don't have the confidence.

1:28:22 > 1:28:27AS AL PACINO: I can do, like, Al Pacino in The Godfather.

1:28:27 > 1:28:31- He wasn't... Oh, no, my friend... - You disrespect the family.

1:28:31 > 1:28:35- BOTH AS AL PACINO:- No, he talks like this.- You disrespect the family.

1:28:35 > 1:28:38- No...- You have no depth.

1:28:38 > 1:28:41- Because there was no depth in those days.- You sound like a cartoon.

1:28:41 > 1:28:45You sound like a cartoon. HE MOCKS ROB: The Godfather.

1:28:45 > 1:28:48- That's not what I'm doing. - The Godfather...

1:28:48 > 1:28:51- Let me do Pacino. - That's the way I do Pacino.

1:28:51 > 1:28:57- Just...- It's real FUCKIN' LOUD! Like THAT! It's real fuckin' loud!

1:28:57 > 1:29:01- Big! Like that all the fuckin' time! - That's Columbo.

1:29:01 > 1:29:05I'm very open, I model myself on Pacino. You see it on the screen,

1:29:05 > 1:29:09you see it when I lean against a wall. That's Pacino.

1:29:09 > 1:29:14- When I do a look of shock, that's Pacino.- No, you're...

1:29:15 > 1:29:19- Are you being serious now or are you joking?- We're in the same business.

1:29:19 > 1:29:23I'm not showy, that's the last thing I am. I look for truth

1:29:23 > 1:29:28and that's why I go to Pacino, that's why I go to Hopkins. I go to actresses, as well.

1:29:28 > 1:29:30I go to Streisand.

1:29:30 > 1:29:35- I go to Streisand. I regularly go to Streisand. - HE SNIGGERS

1:29:35 > 1:29:39I say, "What can you give me?" I look at her body of work

1:29:39 > 1:29:44and say, "I'll have a bit from 'Hello, Dolly!', a bit from Yentl."

1:29:44 > 1:29:48I put 'em together, a whole meshuganah, she would say in Jewish,

1:29:48 > 1:29:53and off I go. So I've got Streisand underneath me, I've got Hopkins,

1:29:53 > 1:29:56I've got Pacino. You tell me where I can't go.

1:30:00 > 1:30:03- What do you think? I've had them done.- I know you have.

1:30:03 > 1:30:07What do you think? Feel that one, there's no crevice.

1:30:07 > 1:30:11- Don't ask me to feel your teeth. - Feel it.- No!

1:30:11 > 1:30:15- I don't wanna touch your fucking teeth!- You've got a thing about...

1:30:15 > 1:30:18Whenever there's a hint of something gay, you immediately -

1:30:18 > 1:30:22- It's nothing to do with gay. - You don't wanna touch them

1:30:22 > 1:30:26because you're worried you might be attracted to me. Touch my teeth.

1:30:27 > 1:30:29- It's good. It's good.- Thank you.