0:00:26 > 0:00:30'This is Anita. Gorgeous, isn't she? And a natural blonde.
0:00:30 > 0:00:35'This is me - Meena. I'm not blonde, but I've got nice eyelashes.
0:00:35 > 0:00:39'Anita is my best friend in the whole world.'
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Ow!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Ow!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Aggh!
0:00:53 > 0:00:54SPLASH!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58'I never thought this would happen, either.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03'In Jackie Magazine, people always say, "I love you to death."
0:01:03 > 0:01:07'I never got it...till now when it's too late.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13'Anyway, it all began in spring 1972.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16'I live in a village called Tollington,
0:01:16 > 0:01:21'which used to have a mine, but now has a very good pub instead.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24'There's loads of places to explore in Tollington,
0:01:24 > 0:01:29'except for one place where nobody dares to go cos a yeti lives there.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34'It's this big house. We call it The Yeti's Big House.
0:01:34 > 0:01:40'Mrs Ormerod sells everything, except high-heel shoes, which she says are "the footwear of Satan"
0:01:40 > 0:01:44'and leads to "babies left on doorsteps instead of milk".
0:01:44 > 0:01:50'In case the devil comes, we've got a new vicar with a groovy haircut.
0:01:50 > 0:01:55'We call him Uncle Alan. Grown-ups call him "that hippy bugger".
0:01:55 > 0:02:01'Our yard is a hotbed of poptastic action, thanks to a famous rock star living there.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05'You probably recognise him - Hairy Neddy.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10'He has a troubled love life, even with a dual pulse electric organ.'
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'm sick of you and your frigging organ!
0:02:13 > 0:02:18'My village, full of merriment, mayhem and a mysterious monster.'
0:02:18 > 0:02:23"That's why I love in Tollington, the jewel of the Black Country."
0:02:25 > 0:02:31- I wrote it on my own, Miss. I got some words out of Reader's Digest. - Yes, Meena, very...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34'Brilliant? Bold? Bosting?'
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- ..florid.- 'Florid?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40'I'll give you florid!'
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Then I saw this shadow in the trees.
0:02:43 > 0:02:50It was this big shaggy head that blotted out the moon and, yes, it was the yeti.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55I ran, but I tripped over a skull and it was getting nearer... OW!
0:02:55 > 0:03:00If you spent as long on homework, we'd have a genius in the family.
0:03:00 > 0:03:05'My mum has the face of a princess and the mouth of a teacher.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10'She teaches at MY school, which means THIS always happens to me.'
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Karen, my star pupil!
0:03:12 > 0:03:19She got a scholarship. She's just done a sponsored swim for the mentally ill.
0:03:19 > 0:03:27- What do you want to be when you grow up?- A blonde writer!- A blind doctor. A doctor who treats blind people.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Come on! I'm fed up with you messing yourself.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- You think pants grow on trees?! - 'Our new neighbours.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- 'Mum's avoided her until now.' - Oh, little tinkers, ain't they?
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- Yes.- Oi, Deirdre, get in here! I need a hand in the bedroom!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- You can say that again! - 'We won't invite them round.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58'That's the Lowbridge family. This happens nearly every week.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04'That's the first time that's happened.
0:04:04 > 0:04:10'Sam has hair like Donny Osmond, but, unlike Donny, he smokes and brews cider.'
0:04:10 > 0:04:12All right, Mrs K?
0:04:12 > 0:04:16'This is Sandra, very pretty, but still not married.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21'Maybe cos she's got ginger hair. Neddy said he was colour-blind.'
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Nice one, Sam! >
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Don't let him back, Mavis, you hear?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36She will. She likes getting the shite kicked out of her.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39< In! Get your dad to clean you up.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44I'm on late shift today! Better get your beauty sleep then, you ugly git!
0:04:46 > 0:04:51Hark at madam! Just moved here and thinks she farts perfume.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56Where's your Brenda? Missed the bright lights. Gone back to Willenhall.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I'm glad Sam hit his dad. Is that bad of me?
0:05:00 > 0:05:05- No. Poor Mrs Lowbridge. How awful to have a husband like that.- Yeah.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Can't all be hitched to Omar Sharif!
0:05:08 > 0:05:12We have to be twice as good as the English.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17'My papa, the film star. He's married to...the princess.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21'They're very disappointed with me. I've worked out why.'
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Was I adopted?
0:05:24 > 0:05:27What did you say? Adopted?
0:05:27 > 0:05:32- Did I say it? I just meant to think it quietly.- What is wrong with you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Everything is a story or a rude quip. Stories don't butter your chapati.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- I came second in the school essay competition.- Second? Who was first?
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Your entrance exam is... ALL: ..11 months away.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48HE SPEAKS PUNJABI Homework.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53'Papa has a degree in philosophy and asks the universe big questions.'
0:05:53 > 0:05:59I asked the universe big questions about life, death and meaning.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03The universe replied, "Don't bother. You'll end up as an accountant
0:06:03 > 0:06:07"with a boss who can't spell and wears a wig, but we work."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10My friends like my stories.
0:06:10 > 0:06:17- You don't need friends. You have us. - Education is your passport. - 'Education is your passport...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22'Right(!) I've had six years of education,
0:06:22 > 0:06:29'so how come I'm not disco-ing in America with David Cassidy or sunbathing in Spain with T Rex?
0:06:29 > 0:06:34'The furthest I've been is a school trip to the sewage works in Dudley.
0:06:34 > 0:06:40'We get visitors. Mum and Dad invite any Indian they meet in the street
0:06:40 > 0:06:43'to pinch my cheeks and eat all the best biscuits.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48'There's loads of them and somehow they fit in one car.'
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Bloody hell! What's the next trick?
0:07:07 > 0:07:15'Oh, God! Auntie Shaila. Mama says she has a big heart which Papa says goes really well with her mouth.'
0:07:15 > 0:07:20Don't talk to me. Dragging me every time to this bloody jungle place.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Dog mess on my sandals and all the inbreds staring at us.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Come in! Come in quickly.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Amman?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34We've just run over a hedgehog.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Its cries of pain will haunt me forever.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!
0:07:44 > 0:07:48SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Pardon, Auntie?- There.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55You see that? You should move near us.
0:07:55 > 0:08:01Meena could go to Hindi lessons with Pinky and Baby - pick up some decent habits.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Urinating in phone boxes, hitting old ladies? I've heard about your estate.
0:08:06 > 0:08:12- The sky, the trees, it's the closest we get to home.- Look at our view.
0:08:15 > 0:08:21Forget the view, you silly poet. Worry about your daughter.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28'There's no place like home.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30'There's no space in my home.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35'I wished for a tornado to whisk me away, and she came.'
0:08:36 > 0:08:40# In a world that's constantly changing
0:08:40 > 0:08:43# How can I be sure
0:08:44 > 0:08:47# Where I stand with you?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52# Whenever I
0:08:52 > 0:08:57# Whenever I'm away from you... #
0:09:00 > 0:09:05- < Meena! Play fairies with us. - Bog off, Pinky and Baby!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07What's your...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09name?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13'What was a groovy chick like her doing in Tollington?
0:09:13 > 0:09:20'Maybe she was lost like me, here by mistake, waiting for something to happen.'
0:09:22 > 0:09:25# Whenever I
0:09:25 > 0:09:27# Whenever I am away... #
0:09:27 > 0:09:32'I only knew two things - one, Mama and Papa wouldn't like her...
0:09:33 > 0:09:36'..and, two, I already did.'
0:09:36 > 0:09:40What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45- What's your name? Be my mate.- First sign of madness, talking to yourself.
0:09:46 > 0:09:52- Sorry, Sam, I didn't see you. Sorry. - She's a bad 'un. Keep away from her.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57- Who says she's bad?- Same folk who call me a bastard, which I am.
0:09:57 > 0:10:03They call you something long enough round here, it sticks like shit.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08You're like a little brown doll. Do you know what they call you, Meena?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Can I get up now? I can't breathe.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- Who's that?- Nobody.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Anita Rutter, her sister.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26'Anita Rutter - even her name was exciting and full of mystery.
0:10:26 > 0:10:33'She's got a gang called "the wenches". I'm sure they'll let me in when I tell them my special skill.'
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- I once got 17 sherbet saucers in my mouth...at once.- It's big enough!
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- What, like your arse? - That's me dad, that is.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45He won medals for blowing up Jerries.
0:10:45 > 0:10:53- Did he blow up men who WEREN'T called Jerry?- Are you slow or just funny?- Don't know. Funny, I suppose.
0:10:53 > 0:11:00- I like your eye colour. - Eye shadow it's called. Shadow? You don't know nothing, do you?
0:11:02 > 0:11:09With respect, THIS is the approved church charity this year. It was voted on. That's how democracy works.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13You've only raised enough for some tinned pineapple and a blanket.
0:11:13 > 0:11:19How many babies will you save? That's why I'm giving out these, to get people to give more.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24It's the brotherhood of man. And "charity begins at home"?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Get away from those sweets. Satan's sticky fingers are unwelcome.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33The church roof needs mending. Half the choir got bronchitis last winter.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Little black babies or our pensioners struggling with phlegm.
0:11:38 > 0:11:46The world is getting smaller. Don't get left behind. I visited my daughter in Brighton.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I know about the world, thank you.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54I was the first person in this village to ingest a scallop.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57If that's what progress tastes like, you can keep it.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Goodbye, girls. ..Goodbye, Meena.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12BELL RINGS ON DOOR Meena, chick, I didn't see you there.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Seen our Julie's latest postcard? Rome, see?
0:12:16 > 0:12:22"Me and Barbara having a great time." That's her flatmate. Nice, bit hairy.
0:12:22 > 0:12:29- They have fun. You can tell a person by the company they keep. You know what I'm saying?- Yes, Mrs Ormerod.
0:12:29 > 0:12:36- S'pose your dad might like to give something.- We're not African! - I know, chick - who is?
0:12:36 > 0:12:43We've started a church roof fund. I'll get a leaflet for your dad - I know he likes reading.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Keep an eye out for me, Meena, chick.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Let me!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Meena...
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Oi!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Drop it!
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Hurry! She's gonna get us.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Come on! ..Oi!
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- We'll be OK. It's half past four. - What happens then?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13The factory bus.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# I hear you knocking
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Go back where you been
0:13:20 > 0:13:26# I begged you not to go but you said goodbye
0:13:26 > 0:13:30# Now you're telling me all your lies
0:13:30 > 0:13:32# I hear you knocking
0:13:32 > 0:13:36# But you can't come in... #
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Mum, where you been? Shopping.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46What did you get me? Window shopping. Get in!
0:13:46 > 0:13:52- What's for tea, Mum?- Fishfingers. - Oh, I love fishfingers. - Here you are, wench. See ya.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57She called me a wench.
0:13:58 > 0:14:05- I wanted fishfingers.- Go and eat in a restaurant. Have you forgotten I work all day as well?- OK.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10- Anita has fishfingers all the time. - It's why British kids have rickets.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- Have you started your homework? - Let her eat.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19- Just ask if you want any help. - English food is easy.
0:14:19 > 0:14:25Boiled till it tastes of nothing, but this - this is home food, it doesn't just fill your tummy.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Now, eat.
0:14:32 > 0:14:38- Papa?- Hmm?- Were you in the war? - Which war?- The one with the Jerries.
0:14:39 > 0:14:45- I didn't fight Germans - poverty, partition, the British. - Which British?
0:14:45 > 0:14:50- The ones that live here? - They were in our country in India.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55- If you didn't like them, why did you come here? - You'll understand when you're older.
0:14:55 > 0:15:01- Anita's dad's a hero, with medals. - ..Nobody gave us any medals.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Now, finish your dinner and do your homework.
0:15:08 > 0:15:14- They have their bog roll delivered - that soft stuff that doesn't skid. - Who lives there?
0:15:14 > 0:15:20Never seen them, but Jody Hitchen drownded in their lake, years ago.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- Everyone says it was...- The yeti! - You what?- Yeah, I seen it.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26When?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Nita? ..Nita!
0:15:32 > 0:15:37- Nita, what are you doing? - I'm going in. What's it look like?
0:15:37 > 0:15:45- No, Nita! You'll die. The yeti will get you.- 'I have to get to Nita before the yeti does.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49'Everyone else is too young or scared or fat to save her.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53'She won't know how to handle a man-eating monster.
0:15:53 > 0:16:01'He might be playing football with her liver, wearing her eyeballs as earrings, snapping her fingers...'
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Stop!
0:16:02 > 0:16:08Don't fall in, wench, or you'll never come up - no bottom, see?
0:16:08 > 0:16:15- There's ghosts at night, like Bob Monkhouse, but greener.- If I'd fallen in, would you have saved me?
0:16:15 > 0:16:22I can't swim. No point in both of us dying. I wanna die somewhere else. Somewhere better.
0:16:22 > 0:16:30- I ain't meant to be here.- I think that all the time.- I'd try to save you, but I'd save myself first.- Oh.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35- Good place for our den, wench. What do you think?- Our den?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Yeah, bosting!
0:16:40 > 0:16:45'Anita's not scared about having our den in the yeti's garden.
0:16:45 > 0:16:51'She says anyone who's seen her mum in a mini skirt ain't afraid of anything.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56'Perfect match - Anita's glamorous and I'm good at tidying up.'
0:16:56 > 0:17:00# You can stretch right up and touch the sky... #
0:17:00 > 0:17:07'She loves my stories and as long as I keep her laughing, she doesn't punch me. It works quite well.
0:17:07 > 0:17:13'We're gonna get a flat in London on the King's Avenue in Chelsea.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18'We're gonna wear high heels, have loads of boyfriends and a pony.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22'Gonna zoom up the new motorway and never come back.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27'It's all planned, it's all ours and it's all perfect.'
0:17:32 > 0:17:38Sandra's been riding Hairy Neddy like a good 'un. Remember the noises we heard.
0:17:38 > 0:17:46- She didn't seem to like it much, all that crying.- You don't know, do you?- Yeah, I do. ..What?
0:17:46 > 0:17:52- How people do it, make babies.- Yeah, I do. They get married and then...
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Bog off!
0:17:57 > 0:18:02- Ugh, you're lying.- Your mum and dad have done it.- No, they haven't.
0:18:02 > 0:18:10- It's different in India, with tubes and an operation.- Everyone does it. Your mum and dad do it a lot.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26"The Cathy And Claire Problem Page, Jackie Magazine, London.
0:18:26 > 0:18:33"Dear Cathy and Claire, My mama, mum, is having a baby, and no-one told me,
0:18:33 > 0:18:37"even though they are always on at me to tell the truth.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41"Also, although I have nice hair like...Dusty Springfield,
0:18:41 > 0:18:49"I'm also coloured..." 'No.' "I am brown. Will this stop me getting a guy...ever?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"Love, Confused of Tollington.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56"PS: Thanks for the article on how to attract boys with Morse code.
0:18:56 > 0:19:03"It has enabled me to contact our local monster, which has proved very useful."
0:19:03 > 0:19:06'Dear...yeti...how...are...you?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10'We...are...fine.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13'Please...don't...eat...us.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16'Love...the...wenches.'
0:19:18 > 0:19:26'Uncle Alan says we must remember that people are born good. Papa thinks we are the choices we make.
0:19:26 > 0:19:33'Auntie Shaila reckons anyone whose eyebrows meet in the middle will murder you for a shilling.
0:19:33 > 0:19:39'Why do things that are bad for you make you feel great, like sweets and swearing?
0:19:39 > 0:19:46'I asked Uncle Alan what the hardest part of being good was. He said turning the other cheek.' Hi, Hairy.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51- Yeah?- I mean, Neddy.- Hi.- Can we talk to you about the new motorway?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Er... Right through good farming land.
0:19:55 > 0:20:02They're bringing us pollution instead of jobs. The fat cats ignoring the common man.
0:20:02 > 0:20:08Yeah, but it means I'll get to Birmingham in half an hour, which is brilliant.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Wanna play the Moseley Palladium. Neddy Young...
0:20:12 > 0:20:19Here, I've got a 34" inside leg - should be big enough to hold your organ.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Thanks for your time. ..Meena, the Lowbridges.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27THEY CHANT "Go away, motorway!"
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Hiya, Sam. Can we talk to you about the new motorway?
0:20:34 > 0:20:39All right, chick? Come in. Fancy a cider, fag?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Eh-up, lads, it's the god squad! No, Sam.
0:20:44 > 0:20:50This is about saving this village, so that lads like you have a future.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54You deserve better than this. Tell you what.
0:20:54 > 0:21:01The sooner this shithole shuts down, gets rid of all the hairy rockers and old biddies smelling of piss...
0:21:01 > 0:21:06and the, er...rest of the rubbish, the better.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Oh, yeah, and, remember, Jesus loves you!
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- (Should we pray for him?) - If you like. ..Right!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19THEY CHANT "Go away, motorway!"
0:21:19 > 0:21:22This is the one, kids.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I can feel it in my bones.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You don't own me. I could burn me bra!
0:21:28 > 0:21:32Give us some warning in case the village burns down, you fat cow!
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- You low bastard! - Mummy!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Right, next house. ..Coming, Meena?
0:21:40 > 0:21:45- The fair's come. They're putting it up now.- Yeah!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Sorry, Uncle Alan.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Meena.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58- I don't like those girls.- They'm putting a fair up. Everyone's goin'.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03- "They'm"? And the word is "going". Do you know what day it is?- Diwali.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08- The festival of light, when Rama came...- Do you know what it means?
0:22:08 > 0:22:14- You don't get presents like you do at Christmas. - Presents? That's what life is.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19This "it's my life" stupidity. "I gotta go to the bingo" selfishness.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23"You kids eat crisps instead of hot food" nonsense.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Meena, we all have obligations. No-one is born alone.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- Have you finished your homework? - Yes, Mama.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37- You can go for five minutes. Change your clothes first.- Oh, no! Please!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45And a letter arrived for you. Who have you been writing to?
0:22:45 > 0:22:50"Dear Confused from Tollington, Growing up is a difficult gig.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54"Why not help your mum when the new baby arrives?
0:22:54 > 0:22:59"As for getting guys, always smile. Guys won't date a grumpy girl.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03"Look at Michael Jackson, he loves his colour and so should you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:10"It's important to love who you are and learn how to apply lip liner, love Cathy and Claire."
0:23:10 > 0:23:17- Hi, Meena.- Hi, Nita. It's our Christmas today.- We can see that. Did Santa bring you those pyjamas?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- They're not pyjamas, lard-arse. - Piss off!
0:23:21 > 0:23:26That really suits you, Nita. You've got a Marianne Faithfull lip line.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Me and Nita did this Jackie quiz - "How hot are you with boys?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:34She was "steamy". I was "sizzling".
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I did that quiz. I was a "red-hot mama".
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Them lads are watching us. ..Hey, bingo, girls.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I'm having the tall one, right?
0:23:46 > 0:23:53'In Jackie, it says you're supposed to play hard to get and say you like football.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58'Oh, yeah, and tell him he smells nice, even if he doesn't.'
0:23:58 > 0:24:03- What did he say?- He says he wants to shag the arse off me.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Meena, do you know what that means? "Shag the arse off you"?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12It means he really, really loves me.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Come on.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Hello, gorgeous.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# Helter skelter
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# Maybe I can help her
0:24:30 > 0:24:35# Dance, dance, dance the night away Oo-ee-oo-ee-oo! #
0:24:35 > 0:24:39No chance, chick. He don't do charity work.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43# ..She's the only one who makes me wanna rock and roll... #
0:24:43 > 0:24:49- FEMALE LAUGHTER Hello, Meena.- Happy Diwali, beti.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51At Diwali, you must make a wish.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I wish I was called Sharon and had blonde hair.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58"They are salwaar kameez, which we wear in the day.
0:24:58 > 0:25:04"You are wearing a hippy-dippy cheesecloth rag that we wrap cows in.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- "You've lost your face under make-up and you think- I- look funny?"
0:25:08 > 0:25:14They've got some strange habits. They sit in their own dirt and call it a bath.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20And the way they wash their dishes, not in running water, in soap, no rinsing!
0:25:20 > 0:25:26- They charge elder children rent. - I've heard this, too. They treat their pets better.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29The woman next door kisses her doggy.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- More than she does with her husband, who's gone, by the way.- Gone? Where?
0:25:34 > 0:25:42Gone. This man called Kenneth, who wears tank tops and those "show everything" trousers, has moved in.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47The other night, this Kenneth person turned up...
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Meena, beti, take some nibbles through.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Go on. ..Go on!
0:25:55 > 0:26:02There I was at Paddington Station, £5 in my pocket, nowhere to sleep, then I heard somebody shout...
0:26:02 > 0:26:05HE SPEAKS PUNJABI It was me!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08It was him. It was the first time we met.
0:26:08 > 0:26:16I thought, "Save him from knocking on a door - 'no blacks, no Irish, no dogs'." I said, "That means us".
0:26:16 > 0:26:22He said, "We're blacks?" I said... "Woof! Woof! Woof!" Woof! Woof! Woof!
0:26:24 > 0:26:32Amman, you saved me. From the girlie in the catsuit. She was just being friendly.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37They're all friendly, till you want to meet their family...
0:26:38 > 0:26:44- Meena, go and play in the kids' room. SHE TUTS - Bog off, you two!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05BOY CHANTS IN PUNJABI
0:27:17 > 0:27:20APPLAUSE So clever.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Such a clever beta you are.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Two times table. You must be proud. - Taka!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29SHAILA GIVES DIRECTIONS IN PUNJABI
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Come here, Baby. So proud of you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Meena also has many skills.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Meena, do something clever.
0:27:48 > 0:27:54- I can read you a story I'm sending to Jackie Magazine. - Story? Very unusual.
0:27:56 > 0:28:03"Web Of Dreams by Meena Kumar. Shantal was a looker with long, shapely legs and dreamy eyes.
0:28:03 > 0:28:11- "The first time she saw Brett Clifton, she knew she fancied him like mad."- Meena! How about a song?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14What about the Punjabi one we know?
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Oh, come on, Meena. Come on, Meena.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24SHE SINGS SLOWLY IN PUNJABI
0:28:30 > 0:28:36- She sings Punjabi with a Birmingham accent.- Meena, you must learn how to sing your own songs.
0:28:37 > 0:28:42# That's right, that's right I'm sad and blue
0:28:42 > 0:28:44# Cos I can't do the boogaloo
0:28:44 > 0:28:48# I'm lost, can't do my thing That's why I sing, gimme that thing
0:28:48 > 0:28:55# Gimme that, gimme that, Gimme, gimme, gimme that Gimme that thing, gimme that
0:28:55 > 0:29:01# Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing
0:29:01 > 0:29:04# Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing! #
0:29:09 > 0:29:14That was really, er, groovy. That was a real jammin'.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15Fantastic!
0:29:15 > 0:29:20- Meena.- So sweetly done, so...modern.
0:29:20 > 0:29:25- Where did you learn this song? - Off the radio. It's my favourite.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28I could just shag the arse off it!
0:29:28 > 0:29:32- - Aggh!- No! - - Oh! - Aaeee!
0:29:34 > 0:29:37TALKING DOWNSTAIRS
0:29:38 > 0:29:42'The whole world's having a party, except for me.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48'Even the yeti's come out of the woods again,
0:29:48 > 0:29:51'to dance to Papa's music.
0:29:52 > 0:29:56'Maybe Punjabi and yeti language are very similar.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02'If he can have fun, so can I.'
0:30:02 > 0:30:05SINGING IN PUNJABI
0:30:16 > 0:30:18# Ye-e-eah!
0:30:19 > 0:30:21# Ye-e-eah!
0:30:21 > 0:30:24# I can tell that you've been hurt
0:30:24 > 0:30:27# By that look on your face, girl
0:30:27 > 0:30:32# Some guy brought safety to your happy world
0:30:32 > 0:30:38# You need love but you're afraid that if you give in
0:30:38 > 0:30:42# Someone else will come along and sock it to you again
0:30:42 > 0:30:46# One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl
0:30:46 > 0:30:51# Oh, give it one more try before you give up on love
0:30:51 > 0:30:56# One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl
0:30:56 > 0:31:01# I don't care what they say I don't care what you heard
0:31:09 > 0:31:14# I could make you happy, baby Satisfy you too... #
0:31:14 > 0:31:19Did you see that bundle over by the big wheel? I'm shaking. Look at me.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Bag of nerves. ..Fancy a chip?
0:31:22 > 0:31:23Cheers.
0:31:23 > 0:31:29- Ray's gonna give me a free ride. - Oh, yeah? ..Room for one more, Ray?
0:31:29 > 0:31:34# ..One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl... #
0:31:40 > 0:31:42Yes!
0:31:42 > 0:31:50- Did you all beat up Hairy Neddy? - Don't like rockers.- You a mod then? - Don't like mods.- Who DO you like?
0:31:50 > 0:31:53Nosy little wenches who talk too much.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58Here you are.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03'This is the first time I've held a gun.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07'It's the first time a boy's put his arm around me.
0:32:07 > 0:32:12'I should tell him he smells nice, but he doesn't.'
0:32:14 > 0:32:17# I'm sitting in the back porch
0:32:17 > 0:32:20# On the northwest side of town
0:32:21 > 0:32:28# You should have lost her way up in the city Where they shot my baby down... #
0:32:28 > 0:32:34- Let's go find Ray.- No! - He said he'd show us his caravan. I know where it is.
0:32:34 > 0:32:39- I've thought of something better. Let's go to the den.- At night?
0:32:39 > 0:32:44- What about the yeti? - Anita, are you a wench or what?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Come on, the yeti's gonna get us!
0:32:52 > 0:32:58- How-ow-owl!- Bog off! He won't get me. It's our Christmas today.
0:33:02 > 0:33:08- Are these yours?- No. Maybe yetis celebrate Diwali as well.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10My diary!
0:33:10 > 0:33:12SCREAMING
0:33:12 > 0:33:15There IS something here! Let's go!
0:33:15 > 0:33:22- I've gotta find my diary! - It's only a stupid book. - It's not stupid, it's...
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Nita, wait!
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Nita!
0:33:52 > 0:33:55'It was magical. It was a miracle.
0:33:55 > 0:34:01'It was a waste of time. The one time I do tell the truth, nobody believes me.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05'Mama and Papa will tell me off for lying...again.
0:34:05 > 0:34:10'and go, "You've embarrassed us in front of our "relatives" and...'
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Where's Mum?
0:34:12 > 0:34:16SHE SHOUTS IN PUNJABI
0:34:16 > 0:34:22Take your bloody shit food and your shit weather and shove it up your bottoms!
0:34:22 > 0:34:28Now, stop it, Mrs Kumar. I know you Asian ladies have a very low pain threshold.
0:34:30 > 0:34:35'My brother was the longest baby born at New End Hospital.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39'Auntie Shaila says it's worth being ripped in two for a boy.
0:34:39 > 0:34:47'Mama and Papa only speak to me to check I've done my homework. He smells of custard. I hate custard.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49'I'm getting hair in strange places.
0:34:49 > 0:34:54'What if it carries on growing and I end up looking like a werewolf?
0:34:54 > 0:34:58'Not that anyone would notice - everything's changing.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26'The only thing that hasn't changed is Nita.'
0:35:26 > 0:35:30# Baby, baby, baby! #
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Aggh!
0:35:41 > 0:35:42Oi!
0:35:42 > 0:35:45'We had the whole summer together.'
0:35:45 > 0:35:50- True love - makes you puke, doesn't it?- Yeah. Bleugh!
0:35:50 > 0:35:56- 'We are the official hard wenches of the yard.'- Get lost!- Ow! I can't.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00We're locked out again. Where's Mum?
0:36:00 > 0:36:04'We're a gang of two. No room for boys...ever.'
0:36:06 > 0:36:09- All right, girls?- All right, Sam?
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- Cat got your tongue?- Same one that got your hair.- Different, in't it?
0:36:13 > 0:36:19- I'm thinking of having a feather cut like Lynn in New Seekers.- Huh!
0:36:26 > 0:36:27Mummy!
0:36:27 > 0:36:31- You're creasing my blouse. Is your dad in?- No.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- I'll not stop long, then. Here you are.- Oh-h!- Look.
0:36:34 > 0:36:42- Don't say I don't give you nothing. - Hello.- He looks like a woolly rat. - I'll woolly rat you! He's not yours.
0:36:42 > 0:36:49Every hamster, every goldfish ends belly up with you. God knows what it'd be like if you had kids.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53- Shame you did.- You what?! I left school to have you!
0:36:53 > 0:36:58No-one's born a mother, Nita. You'll find that out one day.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01- Doggy.- Do you like him? - I love him. What's he called?
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Nigger.
0:37:05 > 0:37:06Hello, Nigger.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13'Nita never cries. It's one of her rules.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19'But she's stopped laughing at my jokes.'
0:37:19 > 0:37:20Nita!
0:37:23 > 0:37:28'It's hard being a talented older child that never gets the presents.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31'It's time WE got what WE deserved.'
0:37:33 > 0:37:36TOGETHER: Thank you.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40Oh, they'm like little dolls, ain't they?
0:37:40 > 0:37:44Like my Julie when she was little, apart from the hair oil, of course.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Is that special oil or just chip pan stuff?
0:37:47 > 0:37:51- Jasmine oil, I think. - Jasmine? Fancy!
0:37:51 > 0:37:56- No sweets today, Anita Rutter. - She'll share mine, Mrs Ormerod.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00Look, we've taken over the fund.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02No more African babies!
0:38:04 > 0:38:08Church Committee executive decision. Contributions welcome, chick.
0:38:08 > 0:38:13- Actually, Mrs Ormerod, my mum wanted some Brillo.- Oh, Brillo.
0:38:13 > 0:38:18Oh, I wanted to show you my Julie's latest postcard.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21She went to a Greek island, no less.
0:38:28 > 0:38:34"Me and Barbara doing what comes naturally in our favourite place, Lesbos."
0:38:35 > 0:38:38You could buy a pony with this.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41It's for you, all of it. I did it for you, Nita.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Dad will punish us, Meena.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47If you tell, you're dead! Get it?
0:38:47 > 0:38:51You let your daughter run around like a wild animal!
0:38:51 > 0:38:55She can swear, but she can't speak one word of Punjabi!
0:38:55 > 0:38:58There was no swearing, just stealing.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02We knew you before you came here. Now you act like the Royal Family!
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Let's not bring our Queen into this.
0:39:05 > 0:39:12Please, let's calm ourselves. We are none of us seduced by "maya" as you call it, the illusion of wealth.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20What I'm saying is, we don't care about the money.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Oh, yes, we do, Alan! We've a leaky church roof to mend.
0:39:23 > 0:39:28Over my dead body! You're trying to take over the church, little Hitler!
0:39:28 > 0:39:34Some of our dead husbands fought Hitler, so hippies like you could swan around in improper trousers.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37- Gentlemen, ladies, please... - At least we're respectable.
0:39:37 > 0:39:42- We do things the right way.- What is that, big expert(?) You tell me!
0:39:42 > 0:39:45- Fascist! Heathen!- Show-off!- Sweeper! Enough!
0:39:45 > 0:39:51Please, I can't bear it. My heart will burst with anguish. Please stop! Stop!
0:39:51 > 0:39:53There's a solution, Mr K.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59I've talked to Anita Rutter just now.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Let's see if the stories match up, eh?
0:40:05 > 0:40:09Remember, Meena, God is watching.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12..My God is, anyway.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Meena? The truth.
0:40:15 > 0:40:20Mrs Ormerod went into the back to get a postcard.
0:40:20 > 0:40:25Pinky grabbed the tin and hid it down Baby's bib, honest!
0:40:35 > 0:40:39Seems I owe you an apology, Meena.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Hia ram.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50What next? Boyfriends, babies, pot? SHE SLAPS THE TWINS
0:40:50 > 0:40:55Do you remember who you are?! Shaila, easy, easy.
0:40:55 > 0:41:00Don't be too hard on them. There isn't anything missing. I checked.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04Satisfied?
0:41:05 > 0:41:08I'm so sorry.
0:41:08 > 0:41:12Auntie Shaila has been my best friend since I was your age, Meena.
0:41:12 > 0:41:18She chose my wedding sari, she fed me when my papa died, she held my hand when I had you.
0:41:18 > 0:41:24- Is Anita going to hold your hand when the dark days come? Is she? - Leave her. It's done.
0:41:26 > 0:41:31- You are not to see that girl again, understand?- Yes, Mama.
0:41:32 > 0:41:37'I have sent a note to Nita to tell her the terrible news about the ban.
0:41:37 > 0:41:41'It's the hardest thing I've ever had to write,
0:41:41 > 0:41:46'and when she reads it, she's gonna feel like me, chopped in half.'
0:41:46 > 0:41:49PARENTS ARGUE DOWNSTAIRS
0:41:58 > 0:42:03'It's not fair. We're both under the same sky, but so far apart.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06'Even the yeti's abandoned me.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09'Can life get any worse?
0:42:09 > 0:42:14- 'Well, it can. Not only am I wearing pink and green together...'- Meena!
0:42:14 > 0:42:20'..but Mama's decided I need saving and is taking me to a temple.'
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Put the other bit on.
0:42:26 > 0:42:33- REVVING, TYRES SCREECH - 'She's only just passed her test. I'd better start praying now.'
0:42:43 > 0:42:45BEEPING
0:42:45 > 0:42:47THEY SCREAM
0:42:47 > 0:42:52- Meena, get out of the car and tell everybody to move back.- No, Mama...
0:42:52 > 0:42:57- Meena, do it now!- Please!- OK? Meena!- It's so embarrassing!
0:42:57 > 0:43:03- 'You know people have nightmares about walking around naked?' - HORNS BEEP
0:43:03 > 0:43:07Sorry, my mum's rolling back. Could you...?
0:43:08 > 0:43:13'In my nightmares, I'm always dressed exactly like this.'
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Ta.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Bosting, mate.
0:43:27 > 0:43:30HE SPEAKS PUNJABI
0:43:30 > 0:43:34Er, sorry, er...move back.
0:43:35 > 0:43:38Er...Uncle.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45'It's going very well.
0:43:45 > 0:43:49'I've impressed everyone on that bus. This is a piece of cake.'
0:43:49 > 0:43:54- HORNS BEEP - Sorry, missus. My mum's rolling back. Could you...?
0:43:54 > 0:44:00Stupid wogs! Should stick to donkeys, shouldn't you? Stupid bloody wogs!
0:44:06 > 0:44:09INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:44:15 > 0:44:22'I had lots of questions ready to ask God, but once I got there, I couldn't remember a single one.'
0:44:22 > 0:44:24Meena.
0:44:24 > 0:44:29- 'And, anyway, I didn't think- I- was the one who needed saving any more.'
0:44:29 > 0:44:31Meena, take this.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49That could be you in September.
0:44:49 > 0:44:53Such a good school, they even teach you fishing.
0:44:53 > 0:44:58- It's lacrosse.- Well, French isn't important. Sciences are better.
0:44:58 > 0:45:03- But I'm good at English. - Beti, all Indians are, but it's nice to have a hobby.
0:45:03 > 0:45:08- Mama, what if I don't get in? - Of course you will.
0:45:08 > 0:45:12That's why we left everything and came here.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15No pressure, beti.
0:45:15 > 0:45:20'I've realised I now have enough pain to create something truly bosting,
0:45:20 > 0:45:24'so I've started writing professionally.
0:45:24 > 0:45:28'My pen name will be Sharon de Beauvoir.
0:45:32 > 0:45:35'I may not have consumption...yet,
0:45:35 > 0:45:40'but like all the great writers, I am lonely and different.'
0:45:40 > 0:45:45Why don't we have flowers in our garden or a fountain or gnomes?
0:45:45 > 0:45:50Because this isn't an amusement park - it's earth, it's alive.
0:45:50 > 0:45:54We can eat everything that grows here.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58Where I grew up, I pulled sugar cane from the fields for my breakfast,
0:45:58 > 0:46:03and squirted milk straight from the goat into my tea.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07We had a cobra under the peepul tree and peacocks on the roof.
0:46:07 > 0:46:10A cobra? Peacocks?
0:46:10 > 0:46:15We were a bad combination back there, too much brain and no rich parents.
0:46:15 > 0:46:21At least here there are no bribes to pay to get by and no peacocks.
0:46:34 > 0:46:38- All right, Mrs K?- Yes, fine, Mrs Rutter. You scared me.
0:46:38 > 0:46:45- Lovely weather, eh?- Yes.- I suppose you're used to it, coming from Pakistan.- India. We're from India.
0:46:45 > 0:46:51- Anyway, please excuse me. - I was wanting a word with you, actually, about Anita.
0:46:51 > 0:46:56- Have you stopped your Meena from playing with her?- Well...
0:46:56 > 0:47:01children change friends sometimes, it's nothing to worry about.
0:47:01 > 0:47:08- Are we not good enough for you? Is that what you think?- Anita's welcome at our house any time, Mrs Rutter.
0:47:08 > 0:47:14Yeah, well, that's OK, then, cos, see, my Nita, she might act tough,
0:47:14 > 0:47:19- but they all need their mates, don't they?- Yes, they do.
0:47:19 > 0:47:24See, we can only do...we can only do our best, us women, eh?
0:47:25 > 0:47:30- Tough tits, though, in't it? - Very tough...tits, yes.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33Right.
0:47:37 > 0:47:43- # You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair... #- Go away, go! Go!
0:47:46 > 0:47:50# Ruby, are you contemplating going out somewhere?
0:47:54 > 0:47:58# The shadow on the wall tells me the sun is going down
0:48:04 > 0:48:06# Ruby... #
0:48:06 > 0:48:13"I have to find some happiness before I get too old and everything sags.
0:48:13 > 0:48:16"I love you - Mum."
0:48:17 > 0:48:19Is that it?
0:48:19 > 0:48:22She spelt "happiness" with one "p".
0:48:23 > 0:48:26Sorry, Mama.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29I know I'm not supposed to see them.
0:48:29 > 0:48:34'Anita's mum has gone off with a butcher called the King Of Sausages,
0:48:34 > 0:48:38'leaving Nita's dad to look after her and Tracy.'
0:48:38 > 0:48:43- This is only because the girls have no mother.- Yes, Mama. Thanks, Mama. - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:48:43 > 0:48:46'Guess who's coming to dinner!'
0:48:46 > 0:48:49Hi, Nita, wench.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53- Are you wearing blusher?- I might be.
0:48:53 > 0:48:58- Hello, Anita, darling. Where is Stacey?- Our Tracy didn't want to come.- Oh, OK.
0:48:58 > 0:49:03I don't know where Papa is. Take Anita through to the dining room.
0:49:03 > 0:49:07- (Where's that?- TV room.)
0:49:07 > 0:49:09DOOR OPENS
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Daljit.
0:49:11 > 0:49:14HE SPEAKS PUNJABI My wife, Daljit.
0:49:14 > 0:49:18- THEY GREET IN PUNJABI - We saw you working on the motorway.
0:49:18 > 0:49:25- I met your sister, is it - Shaila? Is she here?- No, we haven't seen Shaila for a while.
0:49:25 > 0:49:28THEY TALK IN PUNJABI
0:49:30 > 0:49:33- Please stay.- I'll come another time.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37- What happens if you're not hungry? - You're in big trouble.
0:49:37 > 0:49:42- What's that?- We call it matar paneer. It's cheese with peas.
0:49:42 > 0:49:46- Cheese and peas...together? - Go on. Try it.
0:49:46 > 0:49:50Now, this is bhoona chicken.
0:49:50 > 0:49:54- You've had chicken before, haven't you?- What's that stuff round it?
0:49:54 > 0:49:56It's, er...
0:49:56 > 0:49:57Daljit?
0:49:57 > 0:50:01- Gravy. Tomatoes, onions, garlic... - What's garlic?
0:50:09 > 0:50:12Uh! Ain't you got knives and forks?
0:50:12 > 0:50:17In all the top restaurants, this is how they eat, with their fingers.
0:50:17 > 0:50:24- Only common people use knives and forks.- Honest?- Oh, yes. Cutlery's square now in London.
0:50:24 > 0:50:30'And so, it finally happened. Anita and me broke bread together. Well, fishfingers anyway.'
0:50:30 > 0:50:32- Bwwrrp!- God!- Darling!
0:50:32 > 0:50:39You know, there are some places in the world where if you do a burp, it shows you've really enjoyed the meal.
0:50:39 > 0:50:42Absolutely. It's a compliment.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50- Bwwwrrp!- You're welcome, Anita.
0:50:53 > 0:50:56So, what have you been up to, then?
0:50:56 > 0:50:59- Nothing. - Have you been down to the den?
0:51:00 > 0:51:03So, what do you wanna do now?
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Have you heard from your mum?
0:51:10 > 0:51:16- Oh, them are, um...- This is bosting stuff. This would make a fab mini dress if you cut the bottom off.
0:51:16 > 0:51:22- Oh, look at these. Better than Fat Sally's poxy Biba scarves. Can I?- Yeah.
0:51:24 > 0:51:28- What happened?- What do you think?
0:51:28 > 0:51:32- Does it hurt?- It's supposed to. - I hope you hit him back.
0:51:32 > 0:51:37- Soft cow. - CAR DRAWS UP - I gotta go.- Nita, don't.
0:51:38 > 0:51:43- I do love you, you know.- Geroff! Are you a lessie or summat?
0:51:46 > 0:51:50- It's just...someone's waiting for me.- Can I come?
0:51:50 > 0:51:53No, not this time, wench.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58Absolutely wonderful evening.
0:51:58 > 0:52:04I will come again. You HAVE to come again. ..Goodnight, Anita.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06I'll be back. OK.
0:52:06 > 0:52:11'Anita coming round to dinner last night changed our luck.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15'Papa got news of his promotion and he celebrated in the usual way...'
0:52:16 > 0:52:18- Bugger!- '..by making a mess.
0:52:19 > 0:52:25'We'd all been wishing for things to change, and they did, in an instant.'
0:52:25 > 0:52:28Have you seen this?
0:52:35 > 0:52:37Daljit.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41Daljit!
0:52:53 > 0:52:58Every time I see you, I end up wanting to say sorry,
0:52:58 > 0:53:00but it's not enough.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04Is it, Meena, chick?
0:53:04 > 0:53:07DALJIT SHOUTS, PLATES SHATTER
0:53:07 > 0:53:13I work all day next to these people, teach their children!
0:53:13 > 0:53:18- Don't you understand that I can't live like this?- I do understand.
0:53:18 > 0:53:22- I'm too tired. - SUNIL CRIES
0:53:42 > 0:53:45It IS the same sky, isn't it?
0:53:46 > 0:53:51My mother, my two sisters, my cousin's brothers, servants.
0:53:51 > 0:53:54We had servants to help.
0:53:59 > 0:54:02They left him in a ditch like a dog.
0:54:12 > 0:54:14I'd die without you.
0:54:14 > 0:54:17Don't do this to me.
0:54:17 > 0:54:20I'm here.
0:54:20 > 0:54:22I'm just so tired.
0:54:23 > 0:54:26It IS the same sky, isn't it, Shyam?
0:54:40 > 0:54:46My grandmother has lived in a small Indian village the whole of her life, until two months ago.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50'We call her "Nanima" and she's my mum's mum.
0:54:50 > 0:54:55'She looks like my mum, except she's browner and more creased.
0:54:56 > 0:55:04'Because Nanima is SO special, she's even brought Mama and Auntie Shaila back together, unfortunately.
0:55:07 > 0:55:12'Mama says when Nanima was a girl, she looked just like me.
0:55:13 > 0:55:18'After all the pretend relatives, finally a real one.
0:55:18 > 0:55:23'She hasn't even pinched my cheek yet. This is a very good sign.'
0:55:23 > 0:55:28OK, everybody. Say "paneer". ALL: Cheese!
0:55:28 > 0:55:35'In India, old people are considered very special and very wise.'
0:55:35 > 0:55:37Slurp!
0:55:37 > 0:55:40'She doesn't say much, or speak any English,
0:55:40 > 0:55:44'but somehow we all understand her perfectly.'
0:55:44 > 0:55:46- Thwrrp!- Ha-ha!
0:55:47 > 0:55:52- 'Nanima's also helped my mum a lot with my brother.' - NANIMA SINGS
0:55:52 > 0:55:59'Sunil is eating a lot better and has finally learnt to share his food!
0:55:59 > 0:56:07'Nanima seems to have got used to Tollington, probably because she comes from a village too.'
0:56:10 > 0:56:15It is fun having her around and I hope she stays for a long time.
0:56:15 > 0:56:22Right, Meena. But you did know this week's essay was "My Best Friend" and not "My Best Granny"?
0:56:26 > 0:56:33You never say when my work is good, Mrs Rowbottom. Why not? Don't you like me?
0:56:33 > 0:56:36Now don't be silly. Sit down.
0:56:49 > 0:56:51It was good, Meena.
0:56:54 > 0:57:03The five "k"s of the Sikhs are kangha, kara, kesh, kachh, and...
0:57:03 > 0:57:09- Brought the rest of the family over?- My nan's here...on holiday.
0:57:09 > 0:57:13On holiday, in Tollington? That's a good 'un.
0:57:14 > 0:57:19- First time I've got you on your own, without Nita.- I'm not on my own.
0:57:19 > 0:57:21SAM SNIFFS
0:57:21 > 0:57:24Come out the way, Sam.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28Shit! Jesus Christ!
0:57:28 > 0:57:31SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI
0:57:34 > 0:57:38Oh, yeah. The fifth "k" - kirpan, dagger.
0:57:38 > 0:57:41Oi! Leave it.
0:57:42 > 0:57:49- Oh, is this your nan, Meena, chick? I heard she was coming over. - Yes, Mrs Ormerod.
0:57:49 > 0:57:54Welcome to England. Not too cold for you here, I hope.
0:57:57 > 0:58:02Does she speak English, cos your mum and dad speak it lovely, don't they?
0:58:07 > 0:58:11She speaks four languages fluently AND she does kung fu.
0:58:11 > 0:58:15You should bring her to the village fete tomorrow. Fete!
0:58:15 > 0:58:20The fete! It's traditional...round here.
0:58:23 > 0:58:26NANIMA SINGS TO SUNIL
0:58:29 > 0:58:33I like your songs, Nanima. They're like my stories.
0:58:33 > 0:58:37They fill up a hole somewhere, like after a big dinner.
0:58:41 > 0:58:44Nita's my best friend.
0:58:44 > 0:58:49She's been a bit busy at the moment but she said she'd like to meet you.
0:58:49 > 0:58:53Can you tell me a story, Nanima... about India?
0:58:55 > 0:58:57NANIMA SNORES
0:59:01 > 0:59:05'The fete was just the same as it always was.
0:59:05 > 0:59:10'As usual, Carl Rowbottom had the only wash he gets all year,
0:59:10 > 0:59:15'As usual, Papa won at the tombola, but wasn't impressed with his prize.
0:59:16 > 0:59:22- 'Nanima got into the spirit of the occasion and her English is coming on nicely.'- Shut up!
0:59:22 > 0:59:29- 'Sandy tried to flog her stuffed toys which looked like they'd been in a car crash.'- A...rhinoceros.
0:59:29 > 0:59:34The devil's beasts. Gross mutations of our Lord's wondrous creatures.
0:59:34 > 0:59:42- 'The toys weren't all Sandy had been stuffing.'- Gonna buy one before she has the baby, and save us from hell?
0:59:42 > 0:59:47- 'And, finally, there was the reason - I- bothered to turn up.'
0:59:47 > 0:59:51Nita, I've been looking for you everywhere and I called for you.
0:59:52 > 0:59:57- Do you want a free ride?- 'That's when things started going wrong.'
0:59:57 > 1:00:02We have managed to raise £40 today, so give yourselves a big clap.
1:00:02 > 1:00:04Woh!
1:00:08 > 1:00:10There we go.
1:00:10 > 1:00:14I know you have questions... Who's getting the money?
1:00:20 > 1:00:22It's him. It is.
1:00:22 > 1:00:29OK, OK, well, as you know, the Babies For Africa appeal began this year...
1:00:29 > 1:00:32FEEDBACK
1:00:33 > 1:00:35Right.
1:00:35 > 1:00:38As head of the committee,
1:00:38 > 1:00:44we've decided that this year's takings go to the Tollington Methodist Church Roof Fund.
1:00:44 > 1:00:47APPLAUSE
1:00:48 > 1:00:50Bloody rubbish, the lot of you!
1:00:50 > 1:00:54Church roof, eh? What's that gonna do for us?
1:00:54 > 1:00:59- We'll meet to decide what to do. - They'll do nothing but talk, Uncle.
1:00:59 > 1:01:07Giving everything away to some darkies we never met. This is our patch, not a wog's handout.
1:01:07 > 1:01:11You shut up, Sam! You don't speak for me, son!
1:01:11 > 1:01:15Shut it, you silly sod. Dead hard, that Sam Lowbridge.
1:01:15 > 1:01:22- That's what Nita says!- He's romantic. Last week, he bought me a fish supper.- When did you start courting?
1:01:22 > 1:01:27The night we went Paki-bashing. You know that Paki from the motorway?
1:01:27 > 1:01:33He was at the bus stop in a suit! Dead funny. I didn't do much. I just held Sam's chips, like.
1:01:33 > 1:01:38Stupid Paki didn't do anything back. He just stood there and took it.
1:01:38 > 1:01:45'That night we went Paki-bashing. I just held Sam's chips, like. He just stood there and took it.'
1:01:48 > 1:01:51'Come on!'
1:02:03 > 1:02:07- And then we kissed, with tongues and everything.- Ugh!
1:02:15 > 1:02:18HORSE NEIGHS AGGRESSIVELY
1:02:33 > 1:02:37'What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.
1:02:37 > 1:02:42'What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.
1:02:42 > 1:02:46'What's your name? Be my mate. What's your name? Be my mate.'
1:02:56 > 1:03:01- It's just a sprain, Daljit. - She could have been killed, Shyam.
1:03:01 > 1:03:05She wouldn't even tell me how it happened. She's full of secrets.
1:03:05 > 1:03:08Why? Is it our fault?
1:03:08 > 1:03:12- We could find out. - I'm scared of reading that.
1:03:12 > 1:03:15It's silly, isn't it?
1:03:15 > 1:03:19We might find out that our daughter wasn't the one that we planned for.
1:03:33 > 1:03:37No, mata ghia, I haven't told her yet.
1:03:37 > 1:03:40She will miss you.
1:03:46 > 1:03:49Our village was very modern -
1:03:49 > 1:03:54electricity, flush toilets, BBC on the radio.
1:03:54 > 1:03:59- How come you're speaking English? - Listen. You may learn something.
1:03:59 > 1:04:04Did your mama tell you about the cobra under the peepul tree?
1:04:04 > 1:04:07The peacocks? SHE LAUGHS
1:04:07 > 1:04:11Did you know I went to school? I could read and write.
1:04:11 > 1:04:16I made your mama go. Never did we think we were less than men.
1:04:16 > 1:04:22Often we were more - cooking, caring, teaching, fighting.
1:04:22 > 1:04:27I bore four children and looked after ten others in the family.
1:04:27 > 1:04:29The land fed us.
1:04:29 > 1:04:34Then the English soldiers came and only stones rained from the sky.
1:04:34 > 1:04:39Nothing we owned was ours any more, not even our names, our breaths.
1:04:40 > 1:04:43We lost everything,
1:04:43 > 1:04:46and moved to Delhi.
1:04:46 > 1:04:48Your mama's schooling spoilt.
1:04:49 > 1:04:52We started again.
1:04:52 > 1:04:57A rah baba! What is there to fear if you've already lived so many lives?
1:04:57 > 1:05:00And how many more to come, Meena?
1:05:02 > 1:05:05How you live them is up to you.
1:05:19 > 1:05:22'Nanima left two weeks ago.
1:05:22 > 1:05:24'She took all her stories with her.
1:05:24 > 1:05:31'I don't know if I'll ever see her again, so I'm revising very hard for my entrance exam,
1:05:31 > 1:05:35'and trying to write a story of my own.
1:05:36 > 1:05:41'And now the summer's well and truly over, I prefer to be at home.
1:05:41 > 1:05:48'When I fell from that pony, I stared into the jaws of death, or should it be the hooves of death?
1:05:48 > 1:05:54'Anyway, since then, I have become quite deep. Spraining my ankle has actually cleared my head.
1:05:56 > 1:06:00'And the more I write, the worse I feel,
1:06:00 > 1:06:04'but I have to do it, to keep going, like everyone else.
1:06:04 > 1:06:09'Yes, since my accident, which I shall call the Sprain of Destiny,
1:06:09 > 1:06:12- 'I- have finally grown up.'
1:06:12 > 1:06:16# ..Nothing gained Nothing still-born or lost
1:06:16 > 1:06:20# Nothing further than proof Nothing wilder than youth
1:06:20 > 1:06:24# Nothing older than time Nothing sweeter than wine
1:06:24 > 1:06:28# Nothing physically, recklessly hopelessly blind
1:06:28 > 1:06:32# Nothing I couldn't say Nothing why, cos today... #
1:06:32 > 1:06:34AGGH!
1:06:41 > 1:06:44BOTH: Good luck for tomorrow, Meena.
1:06:44 > 1:06:48- Get a good rest tonight. - Almonds and milk. It's brain food.
1:06:48 > 1:06:52- Can I put this down now? - No.
1:06:53 > 1:06:59- What are you doing?- Oh, er, this? Um...well, radiators increase value of the house.
1:06:59 > 1:07:04Queen Elizabeth's is near us. When you pass, you can be our neighbours.
1:07:04 > 1:07:07- IF! If I pass! - SHE SPEAKS PUNJABI
1:07:07 > 1:07:11Ai! When did she learn to speak Punjabi?
1:07:11 > 1:07:16Give a big clap for our "almost grammar school" girl.
1:07:18 > 1:07:23- Did she learn from you?- No. - QUESTIONS IN PUNJABI
1:07:23 > 1:07:28- Bolo Punjabi! - EVERYONE JOINS IN THE CHANT
1:07:35 > 1:07:41Now I'm back in Dilruba Coffee House, my chiffon suit, remember?
1:07:41 > 1:07:48- It's where your papa read his poems to your mama and won her heart. - He even published a book.
1:07:48 > 1:07:56I was Dehli College champion runner. Your Uncle Amman, he won prizes for his paintings. ..Huh?
1:07:56 > 1:07:59You kids, you don't know what we were.
1:07:59 > 1:08:03Come on. One last dance to wish her luck.
1:08:03 > 1:08:05- Amman!- Come on!
1:08:09 > 1:08:12THEY CHANT IN PUNJABI
1:08:24 > 1:08:27Go easy! Easy, easy, easy! Amman!
1:08:27 > 1:08:31Shaila, he'll be fine, he'll be fine.
1:08:31 > 1:08:33Amman!
1:08:33 > 1:08:41We'll drop him to the hospital. Call Sandy if you need anything. Don't open the door to anyone.
1:08:42 > 1:08:44SHAILA WAILS
1:09:13 > 1:09:16MOTORBIKES OUTSIDE
1:09:20 > 1:09:23A right-angled triangle is always 90 degrees.
1:09:23 > 1:09:28The distance between two railway tracks is exactly 4 feet, 8½ inches.
1:09:28 > 1:09:29Aggh!
1:09:31 > 1:09:34Piss off! Leave me alone!
1:09:37 > 1:09:40- Go away, Tracy... - You've gotta help Nita!
1:09:40 > 1:09:44- I can't...- He's in the big house woods and he's killing her!
1:10:02 > 1:10:04There. Down there.
1:10:21 > 1:10:22Nita!
1:10:22 > 1:10:26- Nita!- Bog off, Trace!- ..I hate you!
1:10:27 > 1:10:31- You little sod!- I'm gonna kill you, Tracy!- Come here!
1:10:31 > 1:10:36This ain't your patch any more. Piss off! Sam's mine. We're engaged.
1:10:36 > 1:10:42- That's the ring off a Coke can. - He's saving up. Sam's gonna live with me in the flat in London.
1:10:42 > 1:10:47- There ain't no flat in London, you pathetic cow!- Not yet.- Never, Nita.
1:10:53 > 1:10:57You're gonna leave me, just like everybody else.
1:10:57 > 1:11:04- I hate you! - Nita, I'm gonna write about us. You'll be famous one day, I promise.
1:11:10 > 1:11:16That Paki we duffed up. He wasn't anybody. You're not like the others.
1:11:18 > 1:11:21- I AM the others!- Ow!
1:11:21 > 1:11:24Get off me! ..Ow!
1:11:24 > 1:11:26Ow!
1:11:28 > 1:11:30Aggh!
1:11:30 > 1:11:32SPLASH!
1:12:14 > 1:12:16Nita!
1:12:18 > 1:12:21Nita!
1:12:22 > 1:12:24Nita!
1:12:24 > 1:12:28'I prayed for help, for the only thing that could save us.'
1:12:28 > 1:12:31Aggh! 'And he came.
1:12:33 > 1:12:38'The yeti plunged into the bottomless pool, the water murky with memories and betrayal,
1:12:38 > 1:12:44'to save the girl who broke hearts and couldn't swim.'
1:12:53 > 1:12:55Please!
1:13:00 > 1:13:04'He handled her lifeless body like a toy in his huge hands,
1:13:04 > 1:13:10'and not sucking her blood, as I'd always feared, but forcing the life back into her.
1:13:10 > 1:13:15'If he hadn't have come, I wouldn't have believed anything.
1:13:15 > 1:13:17'He saved both of us -
1:13:17 > 1:13:20'Anita and me.'
1:13:23 > 1:13:28- That's more like it.- Please. Just one more. It will help you.- No!
1:13:28 > 1:13:32- No more almonds!- How will she remember anything after that shock?
1:13:32 > 1:13:36Tell the examiner you're late because you nearly died, OK?
1:13:36 > 1:13:40- Tell them you saved someone's life. - It wasn't me.
1:13:40 > 1:13:46No more lies...about anything. There's no need. We're so proud of you, whatever happens - understand?
1:13:46 > 1:13:49Ask him if you can keep your hat on.
1:13:53 > 1:13:58'I didn't tell anyone about the yeti. No-one would have believed me.
1:13:58 > 1:14:06'The local paper called me a "pint-sized heroine" - actually it was "pint-sized dusky heroine."
1:14:06 > 1:14:09'I thought the yeti would like that.
1:14:09 > 1:14:15'Everyone said that Anita's recovery was a miracle. Anita's mum came and took her away for a while.'
1:14:15 > 1:14:18Meena, hurry up! We'll be late!
1:14:18 > 1:14:25'My exam results come today AND this is the last page of my diary, so the Sprain of Destiny strikes again.
1:14:25 > 1:14:28'Nita is on every page, but she'll never read it.
1:14:28 > 1:14:32'I think that's called irony, or is it satire?'
1:14:34 > 1:14:37ORGAN INTRO TO "Son Of My Father"
1:14:37 > 1:14:41This song - isn't it Chicory Tip?
1:14:41 > 1:14:44# Gotta have your life run right... #
1:14:44 > 1:14:50- We should have waited for the post. - It won't change anything. The die is cast.
1:14:50 > 1:14:56I'm not afraid to die. I've been on the other side. I laugh in the face of danger.
1:14:56 > 1:14:57Amman... >
1:14:57 > 1:15:00you had chronic indigestion.
1:15:01 > 1:15:04You burped in the face of danger!
1:15:06 > 1:15:08# Son of my father
1:15:08 > 1:15:13# Changing, rearranging into someone new
1:15:13 > 1:15:17# Son of my father
1:15:17 > 1:15:21# Collecting and selecting independent views. #
1:15:24 > 1:15:31Christ calls you into union with him and with one another. I ask you now...
1:15:31 > 1:15:36Typical English wedding - boring, no food, bride up the duff... Shaila!
1:15:36 > 1:15:38Which in normal English means -
1:15:38 > 1:15:43Nedwell, do you really dig this glorious woman here?
1:15:43 > 1:15:49Does she set your senses on fire, fill you with the inspiration that makes Dylan write songs,
1:15:49 > 1:15:53bring the kind of peace that could turn bombs into flowers?
1:15:53 > 1:15:56- You what? - Help me out.
1:15:56 > 1:16:00- Does she float your boat, man? - A whole bloody battalion!
1:16:00 > 1:16:03- Whoo!- Whoo!
1:16:03 > 1:16:06Meena, sit down! Shaila, shut up!
1:16:08 > 1:16:13Sandy, is Neddy the cream in your coffee, the riff to your rhythm, the flower in your hair?
1:16:13 > 1:16:19- The bacon in my bap? - Is he the man you can share the secret with?
1:16:19 > 1:16:23The one that we all know, but find so hard to believe...
1:16:25 > 1:16:29..that, without love, we're all really...
1:16:29 > 1:16:31nothing.
1:16:33 > 1:16:37- He is, and I do. - Me, too, chick.
1:16:37 > 1:16:44So, in the sight of all our gods, I now pronounce you two groovy people - man and wife!
1:16:44 > 1:16:47All right, Tollington! ALL: Hooray!
1:17:07 > 1:17:09Goodbye.
1:17:09 > 1:17:13I will say your namastes to India. to India. Enchante, Mr K.
1:17:36 > 1:17:38Peace and love for that!
1:17:38 > 1:17:40The postman!
1:17:41 > 1:17:44It's here.
1:17:48 > 1:17:51Go, go.
1:18:01 > 1:18:04- Yes!- Yes!
1:18:09 > 1:18:12"Dear Sharon de Beauvoir...
1:18:12 > 1:18:18"Congratulations. We have decided to publish your short story, The Sprain Of Destiny. Yours, Jackie Magazine."
1:18:18 > 1:18:20Yes!
1:18:20 > 1:18:22What is this Jackie Magazine?
1:18:24 > 1:18:26Sharon de Beauvoir? >
1:18:32 > 1:18:34OK, it doesn't matter. >
1:18:34 > 1:18:37- She tried her best.- You've passed!
1:18:37 > 1:18:40- Meena, you passed! - ..Bloody hell!
1:18:42 > 1:18:46'This is where stories usually end, right?
1:18:46 > 1:18:51'A nice wedding, a good exam result, they all live happily ever after,
1:18:51 > 1:18:58'but you can't have a happy ending when the person you really miss is missing.'
1:18:59 > 1:19:03# Burning skull of pain! #
1:19:12 > 1:19:16That was an original composition called Burning Skull Of Pain.
1:19:16 > 1:19:20Right, we've got a bit of a treat for you now.
1:19:20 > 1:19:25Mr Kumar and his friend are gonna sing a traditional wedding song from the Punjab.
1:19:25 > 1:19:28Come on down, Mr Kumar.
1:19:37 > 1:19:42# Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu
1:19:42 > 1:19:46# Mai dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu
1:19:46 > 1:19:51# Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito
1:19:51 > 1:19:58# E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito-o-o
1:19:59 > 1:20:02# Volare
1:20:02 > 1:20:05# Oh-oh!
1:20:05 > 1:20:08# Cantare!
1:20:08 > 1:20:10# Oh-oh-oh-oh! #
1:20:10 > 1:20:13Come on. Put your hands up.
1:20:13 > 1:20:15# ..Nel blu, dipinto di blu
1:20:15 > 1:20:18# Felice di stare lassu
1:20:18 > 1:20:21# E volavo, volavo felice
1:20:21 > 1:20:25# Piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu in su
1:20:25 > 1:20:31# Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu... #
1:20:44 > 1:20:47Nita! I know you're in there.
1:20:47 > 1:20:51I'm moving away next week. I did it.
1:20:51 > 1:20:54I passed...and I'm glad.
1:20:54 > 1:20:56Can't you be glad for me?
1:20:59 > 1:21:01Nita!
1:21:02 > 1:21:07We can't be mates any more... not now,
1:21:07 > 1:21:12but I'm glad we were, you know, wenches together.
1:21:12 > 1:21:14Look.
1:21:37 > 1:21:40I hope you've got lots of Tupperware, Daljit.
1:21:40 > 1:21:44Walsall's party circuit are holding their breath for your puddings.
1:21:44 > 1:21:49We can take the new motorway back - so convenient. ..Amman?
1:21:53 > 1:21:55Are you finished?
1:21:56 > 1:21:58Let's go.
1:22:22 > 1:22:24Ready, Meena?
1:22:24 > 1:22:26Ready.
1:22:31 > 1:22:34Shyam. ..Meena.
1:22:40 > 1:22:43Bye-bye, house. Say "bye-bye".
1:22:43 > 1:22:46Want to say bye-bye to our house?
1:22:46 > 1:22:49Slow down.
1:22:55 > 1:23:00- Stop! - TYRES SCREECH - Open the door.- Where are you going?
1:23:11 > 1:23:14BOTH TALK AT ONCE
1:23:16 > 1:23:21I didn't get all of it, like, but what you wrote, it was bosting.
1:23:21 > 1:23:25- Are you saying sorry? - I said you wrote bosting stories.
1:23:25 > 1:23:28Even the bits that hurt were good.
1:23:28 > 1:23:31I write good letters, too.
1:23:31 > 1:23:36- I've never read a letter, never wrote one either.- Have a go, wench.
1:24:00 > 1:24:07'I wrote Nita a letter, just the one, because I got really busy with the new house and new school,
1:24:07 > 1:24:10'so I didn't much mind that Nita never wrote back.
1:24:10 > 1:24:15At Christmas, she sent me a card - a fat Santa saying Merry Christmas.
1:24:15 > 1:24:21'She'd crossed out Merry Christmas and written Merry Diwali, spelt wrong, of course,
1:24:21 > 1:24:25'and a curly signature with three kisses underneath.
1:24:25 > 1:24:32'I use it as a bookmark, so when I close the book, Nita's there, inside every story, with me.
1:24:37 > 1:24:41'Oh, yeah. We also got a postcard from Uncle Alan in India.'
1:24:41 > 1:24:44Stand straight. Don't pick noses.
1:24:44 > 1:24:46'He said he was over his dysentery
1:24:46 > 1:24:52'and that his best friend from vicar school is going to be Tollington's new minister,
1:24:52 > 1:24:58'which Uncle Alan says "proves beyond a doubt that God definitely has a sense of humour." '
1:25:02 > 1:25:05I'm getting enough of you!
1:25:05 > 1:25:09# You're everywhere and nowhere, baby
1:25:09 > 1:25:11# That's where you're at
1:25:13 > 1:25:15# Going down a bumpy hillside
1:25:16 > 1:25:19# In your hippy hat
1:25:19 > 1:25:22# Flying across the country
1:25:22 > 1:25:26# And getting fat... # Naughty woman!
1:25:26 > 1:25:29# ..Saying everything is groovy
1:25:29 > 1:25:33# When your tyres are flat
1:25:33 > 1:25:37# And it's hi ho silver lining
1:25:37 > 1:25:41# Anywhere you go now, baby
1:25:41 > 1:25:44# I see your sun is shining
1:25:44 > 1:25:47# But I won't make a fuss
1:25:47 > 1:25:49# Though it's obvious... #
1:25:49 > 1:25:51Very modern.
1:25:51 > 1:25:54# ..Flies in your pea soup, baby
1:25:54 > 1:25:57# They're waving at me
1:25:58 > 1:26:01# Anything you want is yours now
1:26:01 > 1:26:04# Only nothing's for free
1:26:05 > 1:26:08# Lies are gonna get you someday
1:26:08 > 1:26:11# Just wait and see
1:26:12 > 1:26:15# So open up your beach umbrella
1:26:15 > 1:26:18# While you're watching TV
1:26:18 > 1:26:23# And it's hi ho silver lining
1:26:23 > 1:26:25# Anywhere you go
1:26:25 > 1:26:30# Well, baby, I see your sun is shining
1:26:30 > 1:26:32# But I won't make a fuss
1:26:32 > 1:26:35# Though it's obvious... #
1:26:35 > 1:26:37Come on, everybody, come on.
1:26:37 > 1:26:41# ..You're everywhere and nowhere, baby
1:26:41 > 1:26:43# That's where you're at
1:26:44 > 1:26:47# Running down a bumpy hillside
1:26:47 > 1:26:50# In your hippy hat
1:26:51 > 1:26:54# Flying across the country
1:26:54 > 1:26:57# And getting fat
1:26:58 > 1:27:01# Saying everything is groovy
1:27:01 > 1:27:04# When your tyres are flat
1:27:04 > 1:27:09# And it's hi ho silver lining
1:27:09 > 1:27:12# Anywhere you go now, baby
1:27:12 > 1:27:16# I see your sun is shining
1:27:16 > 1:27:18# But I won't make a fuss
1:27:18 > 1:27:20# Though it's obvious... #
1:27:24 > 1:27:28Subtitles by Sarah Aitken BBC Broadcast 2003
1:27:28 > 1:27:32E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk
1:27:50 > 1:27:54# ..And it's hi ho silver lining
1:27:54 > 1:27:57# Anywhere you go
1:27:57 > 1:28:01# Well, baby I see your sun is shining
1:28:01 > 1:28:04# But I won't make a fuss
1:28:04 > 1:28:08# And it's hi ho silver lining
1:28:08 > 1:28:11# Anywhere you go
1:28:11 > 1:28:16# Well, baby, I see your sun is shining
1:28:16 > 1:28:18# But I won't make a fuss
1:28:18 > 1:28:22# Though it's obvious. #
1:28:24 > 1:28:27Eh, Meena, what do you think?
1:28:27 > 1:28:29I could shag the arse off it!