0:00:00 > 0:00:03This programme contains strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:19My flatmate says everything changes when you turn 30.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24The illusions of youth are replaced by rock solid realities.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Anyway, I'm playing it very cool this birthday -
0:00:29 > 0:00:34a couple of beers, Chinese takeaway, watching telly.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37My friends are good about it. They know
0:00:37 > 0:00:42the last thing I want on my plate is a big splashy glittery hoo-ha.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Th-they are clear about that.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57ALL: Surprise!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Leo! Leo, where do you think you're going?- Out.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Get back in here. Go on!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09The boy's come back. Yahoo!
0:01:09 > 0:01:14Happy birthday. I wanted to show you where you are now on the medicine wheel.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Out of the house of the hunter, which is a very solitary house
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- and into the house of the warrior. - Great. I'm just going to the loo.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Look what I've made. Taste it. Happy birthday, Leo.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Nice?- It's lovely, yeah.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Hey, Leo. Happy birthday. - Hi, thanks.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I've always wanted a surprise party but somehow it's never happened.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41It's probably because I'm waiting for it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'm just going to the loo, OK?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Mm! Guess who it isn't.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52- Ummm. Baby Spice?- Correct. Here, open it now. I can't wait.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- I'll take that.- Oh, thanks.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Oh!- I paid for it. It may look like I didn't but I did.
0:02:00 > 0:02:07- That's great. It's your book! - It's too heavy, isn't it? Throw it away. I don't mind.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12- I'll put it with the other pressies. - You'll enjoy it. I learned a lot. - Great.
0:02:12 > 0:02:18- Ange? Where's Darren?- I'm not going to tell you if you're going to give him a bad time.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- I was just going to thank him. - You're such a terrible liar.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Relax and have a good time.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I bought you a present. You'll love it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28See you in a minute.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Hi, thanks for coming.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34How are you? Are you all right? Good to see you.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39Good to see you. Thanks for coming. I'll see you in a minute, OK?
0:02:40 > 0:02:45"This isn't so bad, actually. I got through the top floor in one piece."
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- Oh, hi there. How are you? - I'm fine.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You've lost some weight, haven't you?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- Are you coming down? - What are you up to?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Well, you know, just keeping busy.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Hi. How are you? Fine.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05"Wonder how Darren found half these people."
0:03:06 > 0:03:08See you in a minute.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Hi!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Hi.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- I hope you don't mind my...- No.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19It takes a while to get used to it. Just check my look.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- How are you?- Pretty good, pretty good. you know.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I'm going to Thailand in a couple of weeks.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Really? That's a long way.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Yeah. Well, it's something I've been meaning to do for a long time.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Anyway, happy birthday.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Yeah, thanks.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It's for Sal, somewhere.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Happy birthday, Leo.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Thanks.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48"Now I remember why I didn't want this."
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Darren.- Hello, birthday boy.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Listen, I asked the boys from downstairs and guess what?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- It turns out they're brothers. - Hi.
0:04:00 > 0:04:06- I told you... I'll get him back in five minutes. - It was getting interesting.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Darren. Darren, what were you thinking? This is all I need.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I'm sorry, it's your birthday. I thought you might like it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18There's absolutely no-one here that I want to see.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Would you like me to send them all home?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- It's too late for that now, isn't it?- Yes, it is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Have I done a bad thing?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Come back to the party, little Leo.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42No. No. I'm going to stay here and watch telly.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46No-one will notice.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48SHOOTING ON TV
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I really thought you were making progress.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59I thought, "Marvellous. Leo's finally decided to live his life."
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Wrong again.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Bye.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Hm.
0:05:07 > 0:05:12"That's not fair. I WAS living my life. But things got very complicated."
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- OK, start with his age.- He's 35.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Well preserved 37 at a pinch.
0:05:39 > 0:05:45- But gorgeous.- Wait for me. Can't a girl have a pee? It's a long ride from Heathrow.
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Here's your stuff.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Darren, bags, Leo cologne. - Thanks.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- What have I missed? - Right, well, he's 35-ish.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Um, we don't know if he's gorgeous.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59I'm not sure if gorgeous is the right word for him.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01He's more salty.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I want to say rugged.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Height? 6ft-ish.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08That's good. Job?
0:06:08 > 0:06:08Oh, yes.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Morning, Jeremy.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12'He's an estate agent.'
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He's a what?
0:06:14 > 0:06:19- An estate agent. Sells houses. - Is this the guy who came round the other day?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21He might be.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Mm. Lovely coffee.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Jeremy Downey, Reynolds and Landon.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Imagine him all neat and high class in his city suit.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Cuff links and brogues.- Sort of.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40And now, I want you to imagine all these seething animal passions
0:06:40 > 0:06:46just a fraction of an inch under the surface - about to erupt through the pie crust decorum.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I'm afraid the place is in a mess from my grandchildren.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- OK, I think we've got the picture. - Can we get to the smut, please.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57OK, getting there.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01What does an estate agent have access to?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Work it out. - Mm...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Photos of houses...- Plans... - Secretaries.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Pens...- Coffee mugs...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12I'll be needing these, of course.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Oh?
0:07:13 > 0:07:17You can't expect me to sell the place without them.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Darren, you slut.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Well, how's he supposed to sell a house without them?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I am switching estate agents.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I don't blame you.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Hello?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Anyone home?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Jeremy, we can't do this.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38No, this is all wrong.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Hello?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46You sexy little thing.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54BELL RINGS
0:07:54 > 0:07:57No, no. I don't believe it. You're making this up.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59No, no, I'm not.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Sit down, Leo. ..Go on, Darren.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Hello?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I can't go through with it.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'm going.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh, no, you're not.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19I'm shocked. I'm sure you can go to prison for this sort of thing.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Leo, it's all right to be jealous. - I'm not.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Oh, yes, you are. - I am not jealous.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31If it's any consolation, I'm jealous, too.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Listen to us. We're two attractive men in our prime.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Why don't you and I ever hit the town together...?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Because, Adam, we'd want to go to different places.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Right.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I just love women. Always have.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52It's the support you get.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57That's what I miss. I'm just crap at being single.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, you've got your men's group.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Put a sock in it.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05You've got your antlers to fall back on.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08You're gagging to come to my men's group.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10You're fascinated by it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15All right, I'm fascinated. It's more at a wet dream level than wanting to join up.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20I envision you all ripping your clothes off and wrestling naked.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23We have never done that. Now you mention it,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27- it's not a bad idea. - That's exactly the kind of thing
0:09:27 > 0:09:31that would stop me from going. Wrestling naked.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33What if I got a hard-on?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Well, it would add a whole new dynamic.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It certainly would.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Anyway, why be ashamed of what your body does?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Also, the group could do with a bit of variety.
0:09:45 > 0:09:52You think my erections glow in the dark? That's how we find each other in parks at night?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Can I say one thing?- Yes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Good.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I think it's an incredible time to be a guy.
0:10:02 > 0:10:09We have to get ready for the new century. We have to know who we are. I think you should come.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12No.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14BELL RINGS
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Hi.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Keith, this is Leo.- Hi. Pleased to meet you.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Hi.- Leo, this is Keith.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Hi. Come on in.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48Sybil, I told you the men's group was going to use the Moroccan room.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I cleared it with you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:56- So, you get the Moroccan room and the Tibetan singing bowl. - I booked the Tibetan singing bowl.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I wasn't there when you did it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03It never occurred to you my women's group might want the Moroccan room.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08We get the small little Inuit room. Because we're so small.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Sybil, we'll talk about this later.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I suppose you guys need that space for your gigantic penises.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Correct.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Everyone, this is Leo.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Hi, hi.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Leo, this is John.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Pleased to meet you.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Terry and Brendan who's Irish.
0:11:39 > 0:11:47So, Leo, we usually get new members to begin by telling us a history of yourself
0:11:47 > 0:11:53as a man. How do you feel about your maleness? Proud?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Ashamed?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Ambivalent?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Er...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Don't rush it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Just take your time.
0:12:04 > 0:12:09- We talked for hours and I told them all about my family and it was wonderful.- You amaze me.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14You talked about your emotional problems with a roomful of straight men?
0:12:14 > 0:12:21The experience of being male is common to gay and straight men. If you've got a dick, you're a man.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- Isn't that right, Ange? - Tell me about it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29- Make me something to eat and it's yours.- That's what we're talking about.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34- We're talking about maleness. - You didn't tell them you were gay, did you?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Oh, God, you're such a separatist.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40He is. It's all bloody gay, gay, gay with him.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Gay gym, gay restaurant...
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Gay life insurance. Don't forget that.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I hope they're spunky, these straight men of yours.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53One's very nice, actually. And he's Irish.
0:12:53 > 0:12:59He's got this voice, it sort of washes over you like some dark powerful river.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03There's a good manly way of describing a man.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Just ignore him. I think it sounds most therapeutic.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Tell me more.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Well, the good news is
0:13:11 > 0:13:15there are some signs of an upturn in the market.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20At least, there are signs that the rate at which it is falling is slowing down.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24That doesn't sound too hopeful. < I'll be frank with you,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28the fact that you're on a railway isn't going to help.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I don't know. We rather like the trains.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I appreciate the fact that YOU like the trains.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39But will your prospective purchaser?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Here comes one now.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44TRAIN THUNDERS BY
0:13:53 > 0:13:56How will you sell this place with that racket?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I can sell anything.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Oh shit.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02What?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Look at this.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Made in Hong Kong.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Most of them are.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17For fuck's sake.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19What's the matter? Vinyl.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24It's just a headboard. Don't stop now. I was just getting moist.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28That's textured bloody vinyl. This place is not right.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30This is British Home Stores.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32The decor doesn't bother me.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35This whole room... Look at this.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38She's lost her leg. KNOCKING
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What was that? Someone's at the door. Hide.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Hide.
0:14:42 > 0:14:4830 per cent nylon. 70 per cent bleeding polyester. I'm getting out of here.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I rather like a bit of polyester.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Today, we're going to be passing around the honesty stone.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- Oh, this is great. - This ritual comes from native American culture.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06The stone is passed round clockwise.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11If it's given to you, you have to speak with absolute honesty.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14about something which is on your mind.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17It's a liberating ritual. Don't think of it
0:15:17 > 0:15:21as a test. It's an opportunity.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24John, why don't you go first?
0:15:25 > 0:15:30I feel tense, you know...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32nervous.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That's perfectly natural.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Let the stone help you. Hold it.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Hold it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Allow it to speak to you in its own way.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Allow its energy to open the floodgates of your mind.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I... I don't know what's wrong with me. I...
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I can't speak.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Take your time.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Er, I feel like there's this...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15blockage in my throat.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20G...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Huuu..
0:16:22 > 0:16:25John, let it happen. He's spontaneously rebirthing.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31- Ugggh...- Terry, place your hand under John's leg in a supportive and loving way.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I'm going really faint.
0:16:34 > 0:16:39No, you are not going to faint. It's just your ego trying to protect itself.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43The b-blockage just moved down to my stomach.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Leo, place your hand on John's stomach in a supportive and loving way.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51My knees, oh God, the pain.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Adam, his knees.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Let it all go, John.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Let these strong, loving men heal you.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Jesus Christ, the rage...
0:17:01 > 0:17:05If you want to shout and scream, shout and scream!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Oh, my feet, my feet!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Great. It's in your feet!
0:17:09 > 0:17:15John, try to imagine all the pain draining out of your feet
0:17:15 > 0:17:20into the nurturing earth. Into the life-giving sea.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Aaah!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24< Aaah!
0:17:25 > 0:17:32And now we focus on the wide Arctic silence.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34< Aaah!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37< John, let it all out.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40< Aaah!
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Aaah!
0:17:41 > 0:17:45There's a terrible banging noise in my head.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50There's a constant banging noise. Oh, God.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Make it go away.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's my father.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56My father.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00My father beat me.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04It's OK, John. It's OK.
0:18:05 > 0:18:12It's only now in the company of this group of... of men
0:18:12 > 0:18:15that I can finally face my grief.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Why? Why?
0:18:23 > 0:18:28He died and I couldn't speak to him and I had so many questions to ask.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Thank you, John.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33But why?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Well done. Well done.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Yeah, nice one, John,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39That was so illuminating.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41That was great.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Cheers.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Right.- Is it me, next?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49'Fraid so.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56That's a pretty touch act to follow.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It wasn't an act.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Sorry, I didn't...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Don't feel inhibited, Leo.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10It's the honesty stone. All you have to do is to be honest.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I find a member of the group attractive.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Who?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Brendan.
0:19:26 > 0:19:32- Can I pass the stone on, now? - Can you tell us a bit more about your feelings for Brendan?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Is the attraction spiritual? Emotional?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Or physical?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I'm not going to start hyperventilating or anything, am I?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Not unless you need to.- No.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51OK, well, I suppose on a spiritual level,
0:19:51 > 0:19:57I probably do have some affinity with Brendan.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01However, if I'm going to be completely honest about it,
0:20:01 > 0:20:06I have to say that there's a lot of sexual attraction there, too.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- Er...- Great.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Great. Go on.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- What, you want me to go into details?- It's OK, Leo.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I can take it, you know.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22What exactly is it about Brendan that turns you on, Leo?
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Is there a particular body part? - Well, um...
0:20:26 > 0:20:32I would say what we've got here is a pretty hot package, really?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34From head to toe and...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36If Brendan were
0:20:36 > 0:20:42batting with the same team as me, as it were, then, yeah, I'd ask him out.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Come on, guys, don't make me feel like a freak,
0:20:45 > 0:20:50I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed Brendan is a handsome man.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55He's all right.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Christ.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Er, Brendan...
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I just wanted to say...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, you know.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16- No.- I guess I just got caught up... - Fine, you didn't embarrass me.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Well, I think I did.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23Well, you know, it was a bit of a bombshell, yeah but...
0:21:25 > 0:21:28But actually, you know, I felt kind of flattered.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- What?- Nothing.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40What? What? Did I say the wrong thing, or what?
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I guess, that... You know, I guess it sounded a bit patronising.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46- Did it?- Yeah, it did a bit.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Well, Christ, well, pardon me.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- No offence meant, you know. - It's OK.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I'll see you next week, yeah?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Look, I'm sorry. Do you want to go for a quick pint or something?
0:22:03 > 0:22:08You know... you know... I've got an early start in the morning.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- You know.- Yeah, yeah, I know.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Next week, yeah?- Yeah, all right, then.
0:22:15 > 0:22:21THUNDER ROLLS
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Oh!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10The Rough Guide to Ireland.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14"Never has Ireland been so readily accessible."
0:23:17 > 0:23:21"Margaret Thatcher put the C back in Conservatism." That's it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33That was great.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Jeremy? Yeah?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I've been thinking.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Oh, yeah, about...?
0:23:49 > 0:23:55Do you think our relationship has an over-emphasis on the physical side?
0:23:55 > 0:23:56How do you mean?
0:23:56 > 0:24:03I'm probably being silly. I just think sometimes it might be nice if we maybe went out, or something.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07You know, lunch at Soho. Shopping?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Don't be so soft.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Our world shouldn't revolve around other people's empty houses.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I want to show you off, you know.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25It was just a thought. Probably not a very profound one.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Hi.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Hi. .. All right, Adam?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46- How are you?- I'll get you for this.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Sure, you will.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Thank you for that.- Well,
0:24:52 > 0:24:54that was very interesting.
0:24:54 > 0:25:00- Did you see how many slices of ham he put in your sandwich? - The normal amount.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03- He gave you a great big extra slice.- He didn't.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Let me see. Come on.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Two slices. How many slices have you got?- Two SMALL slices.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16You have a row of pickled gherkin. I don't have a row of pickled gherkin.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- I suppose that means something. - Certainly. It does.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23We straight men have this system of codes.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27A row of pickled gherkin is pretty serious.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30PHONE RINGS
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Hello? Oh, hold on a sec.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Leo, it's for you.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43- Who is it?- I'm not sure but his voice washed over me like a dark, powerful river.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Hello?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Hi, Leo?
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's Brendan. From the group.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Hi, hi.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I wanted to say sorry for being rude the other night.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Were you rude? I didn't notice.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02'Well, you know, I was unfriendly and I feel bad about that.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04'I guess I just...'
0:26:04 > 0:26:08I don't know, I guess I just misinterpreted your invitation.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12'But I was thinking, I shouldn't be stand-offish.'
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Right, yeah.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Sorry, I just...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19(I'll do that. It's all right.)
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Oh, great.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28I was wondering... I know a pub where they have real Guinness.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33I'm free tonight, so if you're not doing anything, you might want to go out.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Right, just a minute. I'll just check if I'm free.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Darren, are we going anywhere tonight? (Say no.)
0:26:41 > 0:26:43No. Not unless
0:26:43 > 0:26:49- you want to go to that orgy...- Yeah, that'd be fine.- Yeah? Should I pick you up?
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- Pick me up.- What's the address? - Flat 5, 13 Old Street.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Oh, yeah, I know. That's right off City Road, isn't it?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59What, eight-ish?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01OK, yeah, I'll see you then. Sure.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Good, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Bye.- Ooooh!
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Eeeh, he-he.
0:27:11 > 0:27:16- You look sexy. Rub some compost on your face. Straight boys like that. - It's not a date.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19It's just a drink. Where are you going?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I'm going to tell Ange.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25So, thanks for locking up.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I like you in that jacket. You look all boyish.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Thanks.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I'll see you.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18THEY CHEER
0:28:24 > 0:28:26ECSTATIC GRUNTING
0:28:28 > 0:28:31OK, I'm trying to build a mental picture here.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Did you have sex before or after table football.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38- Don't be naive, it was during. - We had a couple of pints.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42- Exchanged rings in a quiet ceremony. - No. We had a long chat
0:28:42 > 0:28:46- about his ex girlfriend. - He'll get over it.
0:28:48 > 0:28:53Look, we just want to be friends. Male bonding. Is that what they call it?
0:28:53 > 0:28:56- Do we have to watch this?- Yes, yes.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59MOANING This is for your benefit, actually.
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Think of it as a refresher course.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04That look familiar?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08- Does it?- Vaguely.- Good.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11You'll thank us later.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Hello? Hi?
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Hello, Keith? It's Adam and Leo.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21Oh, hi.
0:29:21 > 0:29:26Hi, you guys, you're in the sauna tonight. They've already gone over.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28- It's this way.- Sauna?
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Yeah.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32What sauna?
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Sometimes we start with a sauna.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37- It's just relaxed. - Just a minute.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41- You expect ME to take my clothes off.- Leo, come on.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43I'm not taking my kit off.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Well, I'm going to keep my pants on. OK?
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Yeah, if you want to.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Well, who would have thought.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Oh, God.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04< Get off.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06LEO THINKS Wonder how Leo's doing.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10Margaret Thatcher. In 1979
0:30:10 > 0:30:17Margaret Thatcher moves into 10 Downing Street after a Tory landslide.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21I want to share something with the group.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23ALL SPEAK Share with us.
0:30:27 > 0:30:31OK. Right. It all started when Leo
0:30:31 > 0:30:34was telling us about his feelings towards Brendan.
0:30:34 > 0:30:36I never heard anyone speak
0:30:36 > 0:30:41with such a refreshing directness about this particular taboo subject.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43< I didn't find it refreshing.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48This is the bit that's really hard to say.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Yang, yang, yang...
0:30:54 > 0:30:58Terry, that's just a normal stone.
0:30:58 > 0:31:03John, would you pass Terry the harpoon, please?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Sure.
0:31:09 > 0:31:14It's got a very different energy from the stone. Very male.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Try.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Yang. Yang. Yang.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Yang. Yang.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33So, I went home and I...
0:31:33 > 0:31:35meditated deeply on...
0:31:35 > 0:31:37on my sexuality.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40You know?
0:31:40 > 0:31:44I really want to push myself to the very limits of discovery.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47After I meditated, I knew what to do.
0:31:52 > 0:31:53What?
0:31:53 > 0:31:57I went to a newsagents and bought a magazine.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01- Tell us about the magazine, Terry. - It was a pornographic one.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Yes?
0:32:03 > 0:32:05With pictures of men.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Jesus Christ!
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Terry, you're doing well.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Let the harpoon help.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Well, after I bought the magazine, I took it home and read it.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18I looked at the pictures and...
0:32:18 > 0:32:21I had a wank.
0:32:23 > 0:32:29And how do you...feel about that now?
0:32:30 > 0:32:32I feel great.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35I feel fucking great.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37I feel as if I'm discovering
0:32:37 > 0:32:39a part of...of me
0:32:39 > 0:32:42that I never accepted before.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46I see. And are you going to be taking this any further?
0:32:48 > 0:32:50What do you mean, John?
0:32:50 > 0:32:55I mean it's bad enough I've got one in the sauna. No offence, Leo
0:32:55 > 0:32:58but, well, I'm just beginning to get a tad
0:32:58 > 0:33:01< concerned here. Oh, don't worry about it.
0:33:01 > 0:33:06It would have to be with someone I found remotely attractive.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15Do you know what my theory is on men right now?
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Go on, tell us.
0:33:17 > 0:33:21I think men don't feel received by women.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25There's so much suspicion between the sexes.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29Yeah, cos we've made such a mess of it as men, haven't we?
0:33:29 > 0:33:32Of course, I'm a great Jungian, aren't you?
0:33:32 > 0:33:34Yeah, yeah.
0:33:34 > 0:33:38Or at least I was. Then I thought what is all this bullshit?
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Masculine, feminine...
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Excuse me. Terry, could I...have a word?
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Back in a sec.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- I mean, it's bullshit.- Yeah...
0:33:49 > 0:33:53I'm sure, you, as a gay man, feel much the same.
0:33:53 > 0:33:54Oh, God, yeah...
0:33:54 > 0:33:59- Of course, Jung was a complete pig with woman.- He was, yeah...
0:33:59 > 0:34:02- I'm boring you.- No, not at all.
0:34:08 > 0:34:10They're talking about you.
0:34:10 > 0:34:15- Are they?- The good-looking guy seems very pissed off with your friend.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17< Just a minute. Wait a sec.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20< Something...something...
0:34:20 > 0:34:24Break your nose. I'll break your fucking nose, matey.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26I love that word, matey.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Are you lip-reading?
0:34:28 > 0:34:31- I used to work with the deaf. - Well, that's useful.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35- He's coming over. - You don't do mind-reading?
0:34:35 > 0:34:39I used to. But, believe me, it's usually best not to know.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42- I'm leaving now.- OK. - Do you want to come?
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Don't just stand there. Go on, live a little.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51- Bye.- Bye.
0:34:51 > 0:34:56< What's that word when someone likes you but can't admit it? < Denial.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Fellas. Chaps, don't forget. Friday.
0:34:59 > 0:35:021pm. Remember to bring your tents.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08What a very interesting group.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Yes...
0:35:14 > 0:35:18My God. I thought that Terry was going to go on all night.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20What a wally, eh?
0:35:20 > 0:35:25Yeah, well, I guess it was important to him.
0:35:25 > 0:35:30Yes, yes, I know. But pushing himself to the limits of self-discovery indeed!
0:35:30 > 0:35:37- Never heard such bollocks in all my life. Next thing, he'll ask you out. - He can if he wants.
0:35:44 > 0:35:49So Brendan feels left out since Terry's found his homosexual side and he's not.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51I'm joining that group.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Definitely. Wipe off my make-up.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57- Sock down your knickers. - False moustache.
0:35:59 > 0:36:00Three eights.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05Please play with me. She's cheating very much.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- No, no. I'm going to bed. - Oh, night.- OK, night. - Night. >
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Come on, it's you. >
0:36:11 > 0:36:12One jack.
0:36:12 > 0:36:13Pathetic.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Guys,
0:36:19 > 0:36:22what's the least sexy book you can think of?
0:36:22 > 0:36:24The least sexy book?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27What would you read last thing at night
0:36:27 > 0:36:32if you absolutely did not want to dream of sex with a gorgeous Irishman?
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Why not dream about sex with a gorgeous Irishman?
0:36:35 > 0:36:37The least sexy book is...
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Margaret Thatcher's biography.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42I've finished it.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44- Are you serious?- Yeah.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Oh, I know. My bedside table.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Read that book, you'll never think about sex.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Oh, Mr Elton, it is too wildly vexing.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08Mother and I feel my brother will inherit Mansize Park
0:37:08 > 0:37:12and we shall have to live in West Kensington with one servant.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Oh, how very vexing. But it is, I do declare.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19I need at least two servants to get me out of bed.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Ah, tea. You will have a little dish, Mr Elton?
0:37:22 > 0:37:27Oh, please. I like a good caffeine rush before I write my Sunday sermon.
0:37:27 > 0:37:32Perhaps you should enter into a romantic alliance with that Mr Darcy?
0:37:32 > 0:37:37His endowments are the talk of Bedfordshire. But he is so proud, Mother.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41- And he eats dinner at six. - I- favour half past five.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43We could never marry.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45- ALL SPEAK Ah, Mr Darcy!- Ladies.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49You look a little flushed, Mr Darcy. Did you walk?
0:37:49 > 0:37:55Oh, no. I've been whipping the new stable boy. Thirsty work indeed, Miss Bennett.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58You, boy. Have you been whipped today?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- Only once, my lord.- Only once?
0:38:01 > 0:38:05Servants must be whipped every hour. That is how they tell the time.
0:38:05 > 0:38:10Were it not for tea, we would be little more than savages.
0:38:10 > 0:38:15Indeed, madam. A dish of tea is a tremendous stiffener of the manly resolve.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17You.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Meet me at the stables.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Good day, ladies.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Mr Darcy is somewhat haughty.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30But there can be no denying his penetration.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48- Hiya.- All right?
0:38:56 > 0:38:59Do you want some help with that?
0:39:00 > 0:39:05You need good firm ground for these tent pegs, eh? This is good.
0:39:06 > 0:39:13This afternoon, we shall be hunting and gathering for our evening meal.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15I've brought no food.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17So, if you can't find any...
0:39:17 > 0:39:20What do you mean, you've brought no food?
0:39:20 > 0:39:22I'm hyperglycaemic.
0:39:22 > 0:39:24I could die.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26You can handle that, John.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29Remember. You're a man.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Who did this to you?
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Go on. Go on.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38What are you doing?
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Catch it, come on! Come on, get after it.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44Shit! What?
0:39:44 > 0:39:47This bush is alive, man. How am I going to get out?
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Just relax.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54Look, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I could get tetanus.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56I'll have to go and get some help.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Here.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Have a berry. Piss off, Adam.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05Keith, Terry's stuck in a bush.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Thank you, Keith.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Guys, look what I've got.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- God, what have you got? - A liquorice root.
0:40:28 > 0:40:34- No nutritional value but you suck it and it has a nice flavour. - Look, I'm going to die!
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Doesn't anyone care?
0:40:36 > 0:40:38My God, I feel dizzy.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Help!
0:40:41 > 0:40:42TELEPHONE RINGS
0:40:42 > 0:40:44One Way Takeaway.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47- KEITH:- 'Hello. Can we have some king prawns, please?'
0:40:47 > 0:40:52- 'Six...' 'Prawns for...' - 'Two king...'
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Are you done with that?
0:40:58 > 0:41:01THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Leo.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13It's me, Brendan. Can I come in?
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Yeah. Yeah, sure.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20- Hi.- Hi.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22It's a bit cramped.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29I brought you something.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Don't tell the others, OK?
0:41:31 > 0:41:34- It's poteen.- Poteen, what's that?
0:41:34 > 0:41:36It's like a hooch, you know?
0:41:36 > 0:41:38You make it yourself.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Go on, try some. It'll put hairs on your back.
0:41:41 > 0:41:45'All those stars. Makes you think.'
0:41:45 > 0:41:49We're so fucking...
0:41:49 > 0:41:52small.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55Like ants, really.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59We're just a bunch of fucking ants
0:41:59 > 0:42:03creeping about on the surface of this...
0:42:05 > 0:42:07..world.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11Eh, Terry?
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Sorry, John, I didn't hear a word.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19All those stars.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20Makes you think.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27God.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29The trauma...
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Wild...
0:42:35 > 0:42:37You know what?
0:42:37 > 0:42:41I think I could get quite into all this stuff.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43Mmm...
0:42:52 > 0:42:54RUSTLING
0:42:54 > 0:42:56What the hell was that?
0:42:56 > 0:42:58I don't know.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04- Jesus Christ!- Get it! Get it!
0:43:04 > 0:43:08- What the fucking hell is that? - You've got to get it!- You go.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11- You're on top of me, get it! - Go on, shoo!
0:43:11 > 0:43:13MUFFLED SHOUTING
0:43:23 > 0:43:25MUFFLED LAUGHTER
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Over to you.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36What do we feel this weekend?
0:43:36 > 0:43:38As men?
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Anyone?
0:43:43 > 0:43:45Don't be so British.
0:43:45 > 0:43:48You have to learn to share your feelings.
0:43:49 > 0:43:51Always share.
0:43:51 > 0:43:55I think Brendan's got something he wishes to share.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57Brendan?
0:43:57 > 0:44:00I don't know... I had a really great time.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04Yeah, but aren't you going to share it with us, Brendan?
0:44:04 > 0:44:08That was it, Terry. That was my sharing.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10No, no, Brendan. That was shit.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13You slept with Leo, didn't you?
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Did you enjoy that?
0:44:15 > 0:44:19- What's it to do with you?- Was he good? Did you let him fuck you?
0:44:19 > 0:44:24- Sounded like someone was being fucked. - How dare you, you little prick!
0:44:24 > 0:44:26- Come on, then.- Get off me!
0:44:27 > 0:44:29- Get off!- Leave them.
0:44:31 > 0:44:34That was the best Wild Man Weekend ever.
0:44:34 > 0:44:37Bloody noses. That's excellent.
0:44:37 > 0:44:41Terry, would you like to stop at a hospital to get it re-set?
0:44:41 > 0:44:43No, thanks. I'll do it myself.
0:44:43 > 0:44:45ADAM Go on. Hug each other.
0:44:45 > 0:44:49No. I'm not ready for that, Adam.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51Oh, incidentally, Leo and Brendan,
0:44:51 > 0:44:53I think it's really great
0:44:53 > 0:44:56that you two have got it together.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59Brendan, are you listening?
0:44:59 > 0:45:03If I could have one wish, it would be
0:45:03 > 0:45:06for you to be gay, but I don't think you are.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09And that's OK. OK?
0:45:13 > 0:45:15What's that supposed to mean?
0:45:15 > 0:45:18Have you changed your mind about me?
0:45:18 > 0:45:21No. No, that's not what I meant.
0:45:21 > 0:45:23What, then?
0:45:26 > 0:45:30How can you have been happily seeing women for the past...
0:45:32 > 0:45:34..the past 15 years or so
0:45:34 > 0:45:36and not be straight? Huh?
0:45:36 > 0:45:39I thought I was straight, OK?
0:45:41 > 0:45:46- What, then you meet me and you have this blinding revelation?- Yeah.
0:45:46 > 0:45:50OK, I don't look a certain way and we didn't meet in a bar.
0:45:50 > 0:45:54Or would you have preferred it if we had?
0:45:54 > 0:45:58- I think maybe you have one or two prejudices yourself.- Really?
0:46:00 > 0:46:02Let me ask YOU something.
0:46:03 > 0:46:07Have you ever had a relationship with a woman?
0:46:07 > 0:46:10- A very good question. - Thank you.- Piss off, John.
0:46:10 > 0:46:14Leo. Brendan may have a point.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17Maybe we should help you to explore it.
0:46:17 > 0:46:20I do think Keith is right, Leo.
0:46:20 > 0:46:23Do you?
0:46:24 > 0:46:27We're only trying to help you, Leo.
0:46:27 > 0:46:29Eh?
0:46:29 > 0:46:32- JOHN: It's nothing to be ashamed of. BRENDAN:- Come on, Leo.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34So was that a fair question to ask
0:46:34 > 0:46:40in front of a whole bus-load of hairy-chested drum-beating rough men?
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Well, he's probably just fascinated.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48Well, if he wants to be bisexual, that's fine.
0:46:48 > 0:46:51- Just don't drag me into it. - Oh, Leo, relax.
0:46:51 > 0:46:55You're quite right to choose men. Women are complicated.
0:46:55 > 0:46:59Men are kind of pathetic but at least you know where you are.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Look.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06I'm an attractive woman.
0:47:06 > 0:47:09I'm standing here in my bra and panties.
0:47:09 > 0:47:14We're in my bedroom. Any straight guy would have jumped on me by now.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Maybe I'm just polite.
0:47:18 > 0:47:20What are you doing?
0:47:20 > 0:47:22Feel anything?
0:47:22 > 0:47:24No.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26How about that? THEY LAUGH
0:47:26 > 0:47:29- Get off, that makes it worse!- Good.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33Oh, Leo, I love you the way you are. I don't want you to change.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36You're like my spy in the enemy camp.
0:47:36 > 0:47:40You can tell me all those little weird male secrets.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44I think I should just shut up.
0:47:44 > 0:47:49Far too much drumming has released some sort of wild man.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51OK. OK.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53Let me ask you one question.
0:47:53 > 0:48:00If this Brendan were to turn up on your doorstep intent on making passionate love to you,
0:48:00 > 0:48:03would that wild man be heterosexual?
0:48:03 > 0:48:05BOTH SPEAK Ummm...
0:48:05 > 0:48:07No.
0:48:53 > 0:48:55- Morning, Darren.- Good morning.
0:48:56 > 0:49:01You know, I just had the most amazingly vivid dream.
0:49:01 > 0:49:04No, it wasn't a dream. He's just made breakfast.
0:49:04 > 0:49:06There you go.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09- Darren.- Thank you.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11Bon appetit, gentlemen.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13Darren, could I...?
0:49:13 > 0:49:15- Yeah, yeah, yeah.- Thanks.
0:49:26 > 0:49:30What else do you want? He's gorgeous and he made breakfast.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32I mean, the man is on the rebound.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34From women in general.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37He wants me because I'm not a woman.
0:49:37 > 0:49:42- Seems a good reason to want someone. - But it's a negative reason. He wants me
0:49:42 > 0:49:45for what I'm not. Not for what I am.
0:49:47 > 0:49:49Any good in bed?
0:49:49 > 0:49:53- Well, yeah, yeah, he was, but... - Well, then, keep him.
0:49:53 > 0:49:59- Darren, you know what my biggest nightmare is.- Falling in love with a straight man.- Yes.
0:49:59 > 0:50:01Leo, all relationships end.
0:50:01 > 0:50:04You either split up or one of you dies.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06So why not enjoy it?
0:50:06 > 0:50:10You've got a nice bit of crumpet. Make the most of it.
0:50:10 > 0:50:13Darren, why do I have such a complicated
0:50:13 > 0:50:17- sex life?- Because you give out complicated vibrations.
0:50:17 > 0:50:21Simplify your vibrations. Your sex life simplifies itself.
0:50:21 > 0:50:23That's very wise.
0:50:23 > 0:50:28Honestly, Leo, you know your trouble. You always want guarantees.
0:50:28 > 0:50:32- Doesn't everyone? - No. No, they don't.
0:50:32 > 0:50:38So you let the first guy you slept with in ages leave without knowing when you'll see him again.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51- Hi.- I just wanted to give you this.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57- Your number?- Yeah.
0:50:58 > 0:51:00I called you, remember?
0:51:02 > 0:51:04Yes.
0:51:04 > 0:51:06Well, do you want mine?
0:51:06 > 0:51:08Yeah, yeah...
0:51:10 > 0:51:12Have you got a...pen?
0:51:14 > 0:51:16- Oh. Thanks.- Thanks.
0:51:16 > 0:51:18Here, give us your hand.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27- Thanks for the pen.- Cheers.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31- See you.- See you.
0:51:31 > 0:51:32I'll call you.
0:51:32 > 0:51:38I particularly liked the way it managed to be gently ironic
0:51:38 > 0:51:42without descending into an out-and-out cynicism. You?
0:51:42 > 0:51:44I'm not so sure. You know.
0:51:44 > 0:51:50I mean, satire is one thing and pastiche quite another. I thought it was pastiche.
0:51:50 > 0:51:54- I thought it was more lampoon than pastiche.- What? Surely? What?
0:51:54 > 0:51:58Lampoon IS satire, Brendan. They're the same thing.
0:51:58 > 0:52:03Pope is lampoon, Swift is satire. Quite a different thing.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08You're such a clever boy.
0:52:08 > 0:52:11Come on, bed.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13Yes, I'm kind of sleepy, you know.
0:52:13 > 0:52:15- All right?- All right.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17- Who was that?- I don't know.
0:52:18 > 0:52:21Anyway, bed. Come on. In your pyjamas.
0:52:21 > 0:52:23- BRENDAN LAUGHS - Get in here.
0:52:33 > 0:52:37- You don't really envy straight people like that, do you?- Yes.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39Yeah, sometimes.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43You know,
0:52:43 > 0:52:47a lot of straight couples stay together for the wrong reasons.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51Kids...
0:52:51 > 0:52:53Mortgage...
0:52:55 > 0:52:58- It all turns into a trap.- Yeah.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04Maybe they're lucky to be tied together like that.
0:53:06 > 0:53:10I mean, when you're gay,
0:53:11 > 0:53:18you don't always have those things so it's easier just to give up and not see it through.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21Well, maybe we're not made for it, eh?
0:53:23 > 0:53:25Not made for what?
0:53:25 > 0:53:27Monogamy.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34PHONE RINGS
0:53:36 > 0:53:37Hello.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39Hi, is Brendan there, please?
0:53:39 > 0:53:43Um...no, he's a bit busy right now.
0:53:43 > 0:53:46'Can I take a message?' No. No message.
0:53:46 > 0:53:48OK. Bye.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51It wasn't for you. It was for Leo's boyfriend.
0:53:51 > 0:53:52Back.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54Leo,
0:53:55 > 0:53:59I've just come out of a long relationship.
0:54:01 > 0:54:05The last thing I want to do right now is start another one.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10So what's this?
0:54:14 > 0:54:17Well, I don't know what this is.
0:54:34 > 0:54:38My husband's a bit of a DIY fanatic. Aren't you, Desmond?
0:54:38 > 0:54:42No expense spared. You know, as my Auntie Maureen always says,
0:54:42 > 0:54:45"You buy cheap, you buy twice."
0:54:45 > 0:54:48Yes. I think we have to
0:54:48 > 0:54:52pass on this property. Oh, why ever's that?
0:54:52 > 0:54:56It's not the sort of property that we're good at selling.
0:54:56 > 0:54:59< Oh, that's a disappointment.
0:54:59 > 0:55:02My word. That is rather a lovely table.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04< My husband made it.
0:55:06 > 0:55:11It's adjustable. And you can make it any height you want.
0:55:11 > 0:55:16Yes. So it's useful for a variety of purposes.
0:55:17 > 0:55:20I'll have to check with the office
0:55:20 > 0:55:25but I think we might be able to squeeze you onto our list. Oh, I say.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30200 Marlboro. Lights. >
0:55:30 > 0:55:34- Not the 100s.- And one small atomiser of Givenchy Gentleman.
0:55:34 > 0:55:36OK, OK.
0:55:36 > 0:55:39- BUZZER SOUNDS Shall I get it?- Yeah, thanks.
0:55:39 > 0:55:44- Is it about the flat?- No, it's the fashion police coming to get you.
0:55:44 > 0:55:48- Well, you'd better get it, cos I don't want to get arrested.- OK.
0:55:48 > 0:55:50I'm really sorry to bother you.
0:55:50 > 0:55:54- My name's Sally. It must seem very... - Sally...?
0:55:54 > 0:55:56It's me.
0:55:56 > 0:55:58- It's Leo.- Oh, my God.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Oh, my God!
0:56:06 > 0:56:08- You look great.- It's so weird.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10This is Sally.
0:56:10 > 0:56:13She was my teenage sweetheart.
0:56:13 > 0:56:15- Can you believe that?- No.
0:56:15 > 0:56:19- This is Darren, he's my lovely flatmate. This is Ange.- Hi.
0:56:19 > 0:56:24- Can't stop, I have a flight to catch. Really nice to meet you. Bye.- Bye.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26Right. This is it.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28This is beautiful.
0:56:28 > 0:56:30Come on, I'll show you around.
0:56:30 > 0:56:33This is the dining room...
0:56:33 > 0:56:36Shops just round the corner. It's fine really.
0:56:36 > 0:56:39Leo, I didn't come about the flat.
0:56:39 > 0:56:41I came because that woman,
0:56:41 > 0:56:43Angie,
0:56:43 > 0:56:45she's seeing my boyfriend.
0:56:46 > 0:56:49- Angie!- No, it's OK, Leo.
0:56:49 > 0:56:51I'm dealing with it. OK, shove up.
0:56:51 > 0:56:55Let's get to the bottom of this. We know her type.
0:56:55 > 0:57:02- So describe your boyfriend and we'll tell you if she's bonking him. - Darren!- I'm trying to help.
0:57:03 > 0:57:06- Is he tall or short? - Tall.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08- Dark or blond? - Dark.
0:57:08 > 0:57:12Mmm. English or foreign?
0:57:12 > 0:57:13Irish.
0:57:13 > 0:57:18- Sounds a bit ominous. Likes an accent, Ange.- Still doesn't sound
0:57:18 > 0:57:20- like her.- Here's the decider.
0:57:20 > 0:57:23Is he smooth or hairy?
0:57:25 > 0:57:28- Pretty hairy. Definitely not. - No.
0:57:28 > 0:57:34- You don't think so? - No, it's highly unlikely. So what's his name? What does he do?
0:57:34 > 0:57:36His name is Brendan. We run a cafe.
0:57:36 > 0:57:42Brendan? Not Brendan with the dark eyes and permanent five o'clock shadow?
0:57:42 > 0:57:44Yes.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47I know him!
0:57:47 > 0:57:50- You do? - Yes. He comes to my men's group.
0:57:50 > 0:57:51Your men's group?
0:57:51 > 0:57:57Leo's very sniffy about it. Makes me keep my tribal drums under the stairs. He's very closed.
0:57:57 > 0:57:59Isn't that in Chiswick?
0:57:59 > 0:58:03No, that's where our hot tub nights are. He's my star pupil.
0:58:03 > 0:58:09He's come on in leaps and bounds. Opened up like a flower. Last week he shared THE most
0:58:09 > 0:58:13lurid masturbation fantasy I've ever heard.
0:58:13 > 0:58:16Will you tell him I want my wolf pelt back?
0:58:25 > 0:58:27Thank you for doing this.
0:58:29 > 0:58:32I don't think I could have done it on my own.
0:58:32 > 0:58:36I know they're just things but psychologically...
0:58:41 > 0:58:48- I should have packed up Brendan's things long ago but it's hard to do it on your own.- Sally...
0:58:49 > 0:58:51Look.
0:58:51 > 0:58:55If I'd done something bad, unintentionally,
0:58:55 > 0:58:57would you forgive me?
0:58:57 > 0:59:00What sort of bad?
0:59:00 > 0:59:02Well...
0:59:02 > 0:59:06Well, say, you were...going to buy a house, right?
0:59:06 > 0:59:11And I sort of gazumped you without knowing it was you
0:59:11 > 0:59:15and then you found out that it was me...
0:59:17 > 0:59:19That would be OK.
0:59:19 > 0:59:22Yeah?
0:59:23 > 0:59:25- Yeah.- OK.
0:59:25 > 0:59:28'You mean to tell me,'
0:59:28 > 0:59:32you stood there in my room, in my house,
0:59:32 > 0:59:35packing up MY things?
0:59:35 > 0:59:38Yeah. I'm sorry, OK?
0:59:39 > 0:59:43- But she asked me, she just wanted support.- Great!
0:59:44 > 0:59:48Can you just for a second imagine how I feel about this?
0:59:48 > 0:59:54You're not the only one in shock. She's one of my oldest friends and I ruined her life.
0:59:54 > 0:59:56Hold on.
0:59:56 > 0:59:59Our splitting-up has got nothing to do with you.
0:59:59 > 1:00:02Yeah, and she says it's a trial separation,
1:00:02 > 1:00:05and you say you've split up. Which is it?
1:00:05 > 1:00:07It is the same thing.
1:00:07 > 1:00:08No, it's not.
1:00:08 > 1:00:12One means you may get back together, the other doesn't.
1:00:12 > 1:00:14It's got nothing to do with you,
1:00:14 > 1:00:16anyway.
1:00:16 > 1:00:21No, it's just a difference between you being available and not available.
1:00:21 > 1:00:23Oh, for God's sake! Leo...
1:00:23 > 1:00:26I know all about love and commitment.
1:00:26 > 1:00:28I was with Sal for seven years,
1:00:28 > 1:00:33- which is a sight longer than you were with whatshisname. - Don't!
1:00:35 > 1:00:37OK, fine.
1:00:40 > 1:00:42Just...
1:00:43 > 1:00:46Just don't tell me I don't know about commitment.
1:00:46 > 1:00:49OK.
1:00:51 > 1:00:58- Oh, God, why did you have to do this?- What?- Spoil everything, with all this...thinking you do.
1:00:59 > 1:01:02Because, Brendan, that's who I am. I can't help it.
1:01:05 > 1:01:08I just want the whole deal.
1:01:13 > 1:01:18You know, I think you're coping with all this really well.
1:01:18 > 1:01:21I'm completely falling apart, actually,
1:01:21 > 1:01:23but what can you do?
1:01:24 > 1:01:27- It's a break-up. They're hard. - They are.
1:01:27 > 1:01:30- So what about you?- What about me?
1:01:30 > 1:01:32Are you seeing anyone?
1:01:33 > 1:01:36Probably... probably not for very long.
1:01:37 > 1:01:39Interesting? Handsome?
1:01:39 > 1:01:41Yeah.
1:01:41 > 1:01:45Smooth or hairy?
1:01:45 > 1:01:48Sally, I can't talk about this just now.
1:01:48 > 1:01:50- Oh, no!- What? - No, that's not fair.
1:01:50 > 1:01:52I dished it.
1:01:52 > 1:01:55- Well, you know, it's all a bit... - What?
1:01:55 > 1:01:58Well, there've been a few developments...
1:01:58 > 1:02:04Oh, Leo, you can talk to me, have a good old cry, order a pizza, knock back some beers,
1:02:04 > 1:02:06- hire a hooker.- A hooker?! - Do us both.
1:02:06 > 1:02:08You're a tart.
1:02:08 > 1:02:12- Wash your mouth out.- Party pooper. Oh, look.
1:02:12 > 1:02:13Interest rates.
1:02:13 > 1:02:15- Morning. - Loft extensions...
1:02:15 > 1:02:17Darling, how do you feel
1:02:17 > 1:02:18about double glazing?
1:02:18 > 1:02:23I feel we're going to have to mortgage the children, darling.
1:02:23 > 1:02:25- What do you think? - THEY BOTH LAUGH
1:02:26 > 1:02:29Bye!
1:02:29 > 1:02:30HE LAUGHS
1:02:30 > 1:02:33- He fancied you rotten!- Oh, no. - Yes, he did.
1:02:33 > 1:02:36- No, he fancied you. - Me? No, he didn't!
1:02:36 > 1:02:40He wanted to bend you over the table and have his way with you.
1:02:42 > 1:02:45It's quite early. Why not come back for a glass of wine?
1:02:45 > 1:02:48- Oh, no. I'd better not. - I'll go ask the waiter.
1:02:48 > 1:02:52- No. Hey, come here. I'll come back with you.- Will you?- Mm.
1:02:52 > 1:02:54Oh, Good.
1:02:54 > 1:02:59Don't worry. If you miss the last tube I'll pour you in a cab.
1:02:59 > 1:03:01PASSIONATE MOANING
1:03:01 > 1:03:03Oh! Oh!
1:03:03 > 1:03:05Oh!
1:03:05 > 1:03:07- KEITH:- You millionaire!
1:03:07 > 1:03:10I've been there and back. What about you?
1:03:10 > 1:03:12Home stretch!
1:03:12 > 1:03:14- DOORBELL RINGS - Damn!
1:03:14 > 1:03:16They're early!
1:03:16 > 1:03:19GIGGLING
1:03:20 > 1:03:24The sacrifices we make for the evolution of the species.
1:03:28 > 1:03:30- All right. - I love being a woman.
1:03:31 > 1:03:34Not because of you, because of me.
1:03:36 > 1:03:40'That was one of the most incredible experiences I've had,'
1:03:40 > 1:03:42to be completely passive,
1:03:44 > 1:03:48to give myself wholeheartedly to another person, to...
1:03:48 > 1:03:52to let go of all social conditioning and prejudice.
1:03:54 > 1:04:00In fact, I don't think I've ever felt so close to another human being in my entire life.
1:04:00 > 1:04:02Wow.
1:04:04 > 1:04:06You know, in a funny way,
1:04:06 > 1:04:09the experience has taught me something about women, too.
1:04:09 > 1:04:11I know that may sound absurd
1:04:11 > 1:04:15but...I feel closer to women in a way now.
1:04:16 > 1:04:18Am I making any sense?
1:04:18 > 1:04:21You're making a whole lot of sense.
1:04:21 > 1:04:23- Remember? - How do you remember that?
1:04:23 > 1:04:25Do you not?
1:04:31 > 1:04:33You're lovely, you know that?
1:04:35 > 1:04:37Are you flirting with me?
1:04:39 > 1:04:42I'm not sure. Am I?
1:04:42 > 1:04:44I don't know.
1:04:44 > 1:04:47But it makes me feel a lot better.
1:04:47 > 1:04:49That's good.
1:04:51 > 1:04:54I remember something else you said later on.
1:04:54 > 1:04:56Mmm?
1:04:56 > 1:05:00You said the chemistry is not right. Do you remember that?
1:05:00 > 1:05:02Mm-hmm.
1:05:02 > 1:05:05It always...
1:05:05 > 1:05:07struck me as strange, because...
1:05:07 > 1:05:11although we we were incompatible in certain...
1:05:13 > 1:05:15very important ways...
1:05:15 > 1:05:20- I always thought the one thing we had was...- was chemistry.
1:05:22 > 1:05:24So, why did you say that?
1:05:28 > 1:05:30I don't know.
1:05:30 > 1:05:33I mean, I thought, if we...
1:05:35 > 1:05:36went the whole hog,
1:05:36 > 1:05:40then, you know, we'd be in love and I'd still be queer...
1:05:41 > 1:05:44You know? That would have been...
1:05:44 > 1:05:46What?
1:05:46 > 1:05:48Well, dishonest.
1:05:49 > 1:05:51Dishonest?
1:05:53 > 1:05:57- I so wish you'd been my first time with a man.- I wish you'd been
1:05:57 > 1:05:59MY first time with a man!
1:05:59 > 1:06:01SHE LAUGHS
1:06:01 > 1:06:03- You know who was?- No. Who?
1:06:06 > 1:06:08- Come on.- Michael Weeks.
1:06:08 > 1:06:10Michael Weeks?
1:06:10 > 1:06:13- MY first time was with Michael Weeks!- No!- No.
1:06:13 > 1:06:16Oh, God!
1:06:16 > 1:06:18You didn't leave me with...
1:06:18 > 1:06:20- a lot of options.- No.
1:06:24 > 1:06:26I was just scared.
1:06:26 > 1:06:28Yeah.
1:06:31 > 1:06:33- Sally?- Mmm.
1:06:33 > 1:06:38Would you be really shocked if I said I'd like to kiss you?
1:06:42 > 1:06:44Yeah.
1:06:44 > 1:06:47So keep your filthy homosexual hands off me.
1:06:53 > 1:06:55Come on, then.
1:06:55 > 1:06:57- Can I ask a question?- Yeah.
1:06:57 > 1:06:59Erm,
1:06:59 > 1:07:01does it hurt?
1:07:01 > 1:07:05Well, yeah. It felt a bit funny at first, you know,
1:07:05 > 1:07:07but after a bit you loosen up
1:07:07 > 1:07:12and then you get to like it, and before you know where you are you...
1:07:12 > 1:07:14can't get enough of it.
1:07:14 > 1:07:15Excellent.
1:07:17 > 1:07:20- 'Well, where is he? - Leo? No idea. I don't know.'
1:07:29 > 1:07:32- Can I say something? - Yes, of course.
1:07:33 > 1:07:38It's not about homosexuality, so maybe you won't be interested.
1:07:38 > 1:07:41- Of course we are. - You're safe here. You're loved.
1:07:41 > 1:07:43Yeah, but that is just it.
1:07:43 > 1:07:46I don't want to be loved, not by by MEN.
1:07:46 > 1:07:48All right.
1:07:48 > 1:07:50All right.
1:07:50 > 1:07:53Would you like to be...liked?
1:07:57 > 1:07:59I think what I'd really like now
1:07:59 > 1:08:01is just...
1:08:01 > 1:08:02to leave.
1:08:02 > 1:08:04- Now, you know... - Get...
1:08:07 > 1:08:10I think it will make me feel a lot better.
1:08:20 > 1:08:22I'll see myself out.
1:08:22 > 1:08:24Interesting choice.
1:08:26 > 1:08:28I'm sorry. I can't...
1:08:34 > 1:08:36I can't do it.
1:08:36 > 1:08:38- I'm sorry.- What?
1:08:38 > 1:08:40Is this all my fault?
1:08:40 > 1:08:42I don't know. I don't know.
1:08:45 > 1:08:47Look...
1:08:47 > 1:08:48I'm sorry. OK?
1:08:48 > 1:08:51Leo, you're an adult. You can do as you please.
1:08:51 > 1:08:53Sally, I know that.
1:08:55 > 1:08:58Look, I'm sorry, OK?
1:08:58 > 1:09:01I'll... I'll call you, OK?
1:09:12 > 1:09:16You cook it for 20 minutes and it turns into spaghetti.
1:09:16 > 1:09:17Oh, pull the other one!
1:09:17 > 1:09:20It turns into bloody spaghetti!
1:09:20 > 1:09:22Leo, please. Back me up on this.
1:09:24 > 1:09:26Guys, look, I was wondering...
1:09:26 > 1:09:28What, Leo?
1:09:29 > 1:09:32If I kissed a woman, you know, properly,
1:09:32 > 1:09:35- would that make me a hetty? - Don't be absurd.
1:09:35 > 1:09:37- Absolutely not, no.- Oh, good.
1:09:37 > 1:09:40Not unless it gave you an erection.
1:09:40 > 1:09:42Oh, my God.
1:09:42 > 1:09:45- What?! - That woman. That blonde hussy!
1:09:45 > 1:09:47- What did she do to you? - She is not a hussy.
1:09:47 > 1:09:49We'll be the judge of that.
1:09:49 > 1:09:56It's all our fault. I knew we shouldn't have let him get in touch with his masculine side.
1:09:56 > 1:09:57Leo,
1:09:57 > 1:10:00you are a HOMOsexual!
1:10:00 > 1:10:01Yes. MOBILE RINGS
1:10:01 > 1:10:03Expect this'll be the sex police.
1:10:03 > 1:10:06Leo,
1:10:06 > 1:10:08you are a strawberry blonde.
1:10:08 > 1:10:11You can't go out with an ash blonde. It's not right.
1:10:11 > 1:10:13I'll deal with you later.
1:10:13 > 1:10:16Neither of you leave the house till I get back.
1:10:18 > 1:10:20That's how I like you.
1:10:20 > 1:10:23Don't you think the decor's a bit dodgy?
1:10:23 > 1:10:25Oh, bugger the decor.
1:10:25 > 1:10:27As long as it does it for you.
1:10:28 > 1:10:30Now you're completely in my power.
1:10:30 > 1:10:35Gosh, Jeremy, you could do anything to me. What are you going to do?
1:10:35 > 1:10:37I'd be completely unable to escape.
1:10:37 > 1:10:40Do you know what? I haven't decided yet.
1:10:40 > 1:10:42But there's one thing I do know.
1:10:42 > 1:10:44And what's that?
1:10:45 > 1:10:48I want you stark, bollock naked.
1:10:48 > 1:10:49Oh, my goodness me.
1:10:49 > 1:10:51Oh, not my Calvins!
1:10:51 > 1:10:55Oh, stop squealing, you little tart. Want the neighbours to hear?
1:10:57 > 1:10:59I feel completely exposed.
1:10:59 > 1:11:01That's what I like to see.
1:11:03 > 1:11:06Now, what if I was to...
1:11:06 > 1:11:09tweak your nipple just a little bit?
1:11:11 > 1:11:12Ow. HE GROWLS
1:11:12 > 1:11:16You like that, don't you? Do you want me to do it a bit harder?
1:11:16 > 1:11:18Oh, have mercy.
1:11:18 > 1:11:20< You don't deserve mercy.
1:11:24 > 1:11:27I hope you'll be gentle. You know how huge you are.
1:11:30 > 1:11:31Am I huge?
1:11:31 > 1:11:33Yes, you're huge.
1:11:34 > 1:11:36- Say it. - I just did.
1:11:36 > 1:11:38- Say it again. - You're huge.
1:11:38 > 1:11:40And again. You're...
1:11:40 > 1:11:42CLUNK What was that?
1:11:46 > 1:11:48Stay here.
1:11:48 > 1:11:49OK.
1:11:55 > 1:11:57Someone's here. You're not serious!
1:11:57 > 1:11:59I thought they'd gone away!
1:11:59 > 1:12:01She said she was going to.
1:12:01 > 1:12:03Well, get me out of these fucking cuffs!
1:12:05 > 1:12:07Can't find the fucking key!
1:12:09 > 1:12:10Excuse me.
1:12:13 > 1:12:15Jeremy!
1:12:15 > 1:12:17Jeremy!
1:12:20 > 1:12:22Who the hell are you?
1:12:22 > 1:12:26# Oh, happy birthday, dear Geraldine!
1:12:26 > 1:12:29# Congratulations, you're seventeen. #
1:12:29 > 1:12:32I'm not Geraldine and it's not my birthday.
1:12:32 > 1:12:34Isn't it?
1:12:34 > 1:12:36But this is 25 Sheldrake Avenue?
1:12:38 > 1:12:40No. This is 23 Sheldrake Avenue.
1:12:40 > 1:12:43Oh, God! How appallingly embarrassing.
1:12:43 > 1:12:46I'm an S-and-M-ogram
1:12:46 > 1:12:49and I've obviously got the wrong house. No!
1:12:52 > 1:12:54Don't I know you?
1:12:54 > 1:12:56< I hope not.
1:12:57 > 1:12:59Aaargh!
1:12:59 > 1:13:02It wasn't my idea. I'm going out with a sex maniac.
1:13:02 > 1:13:05It could happen to any of us.
1:13:18 > 1:13:19ANGELA OVER INTERCOM: 'Hello?'
1:13:19 > 1:13:22Ang, it's me. You've got to come down.
1:13:22 > 1:13:24'Oh...'
1:13:30 > 1:13:33What's the matter with you? Where are your keys?
1:13:33 > 1:13:36I don't know. Something terrible's happened.
1:13:36 > 1:13:39Oh, not now. I'm making lasagne.
1:13:39 > 1:13:43Don't abandon me in my hour of need! We've got to go and see Leo.
1:13:43 > 1:13:46What difference will it make if I'm there?
1:13:46 > 1:13:47He won't kill me.
1:13:47 > 1:13:49God! All right.
1:13:49 > 1:13:52I'll have to go and change. Embarrassing.
1:13:52 > 1:13:54OK, I'll wait here.
1:13:55 > 1:13:57I can't go in. I can't face him.
1:13:59 > 1:14:01- Hi.- Hi.
1:14:03 > 1:14:06Ang has got something to tell you.
1:14:06 > 1:14:08Dan has something to tell you.
1:14:08 > 1:14:09Leo...
1:14:09 > 1:14:11- Who's that? - Who, Adam?
1:14:11 > 1:14:13He's sex on legs.
1:14:13 > 1:14:14Leo, let's talk.
1:14:14 > 1:14:18Now, go easy on him. It could have happened to any of us.
1:14:18 > 1:14:20What have you done?
1:14:20 > 1:14:22What is it?
1:14:23 > 1:14:27If I'd done something really, really, really bad...
1:14:28 > 1:14:30I'm Angie.
1:14:30 > 1:14:32You must be Adam.
1:14:32 > 1:14:33At your service.
1:14:33 > 1:14:35SHE GIGGLES
1:14:35 > 1:14:38Has er...
1:14:38 > 1:14:39something happened?
1:14:39 > 1:14:44< Oh. Well, Dan has done something very bad
1:14:44 > 1:14:47and he's worried Leo will throw him out.
1:14:49 > 1:14:51Is that fish paste?
1:14:51 > 1:14:55Yeah, it is, actually. It's all I've got, I'm afraid.
1:14:55 > 1:14:57I adore fish paste.
1:14:57 > 1:14:59You do?
1:14:59 > 1:15:00Mmm.
1:15:00 > 1:15:02That's it.
1:15:02 > 1:15:04What do you mean, that's it?
1:15:04 > 1:15:08- You'll see. - What are you going to do? - Sort my life out.
1:15:08 > 1:15:09Can I come, too?
1:15:12 > 1:15:14Don't hate me, Leo. I was in love.
1:15:14 > 1:15:18- I don't hate you. - I'm not in love any more, though.
1:15:18 > 1:15:23Why am I always the one waiting for everyone else to sort themselves out?
1:15:23 > 1:15:26- I don't know.- I sit at home, twiddling my thumbs,
1:15:26 > 1:15:31while you're out there, getting your hands dirty, taking risks.
1:15:43 > 1:15:47Gherkins, olives, sun-dried tomatoes...
1:15:47 > 1:15:49Leo. Darren.
1:15:49 > 1:15:51What are you doing here?
1:15:51 > 1:15:53I can't do this any more.
1:15:53 > 1:15:54I have to tell her.
1:15:54 > 1:15:58Whoa. Don't you think we ought to discuss this first?
1:15:58 > 1:16:00- Hi, Sally.- Hi.
1:16:06 > 1:16:08Darren, could you erm...
1:16:08 > 1:16:11Sally, this thing
1:16:11 > 1:16:13that I've got to tell you.
1:16:13 > 1:16:14Leo,
1:16:14 > 1:16:17- this isn't a good time. - You know each other?
1:16:17 > 1:16:19- No.- Yes, we do.
1:16:19 > 1:16:20Don't.
1:16:20 > 1:16:24I think, if Leo has something to say, he should say it.
1:16:24 > 1:16:27Thank you. Right. The other night,
1:16:27 > 1:16:29yeah? You know, when we were...
1:16:29 > 1:16:31- on the floor? - On the floor?
1:16:31 > 1:16:34- What were you doing? - Snogging.
1:16:36 > 1:16:39Don't look so shocked. We were just giving it a go.
1:16:39 > 1:16:42- Leo, can we discuss this elsewhere? - Yeah.
1:16:42 > 1:16:45- Sorry, sorry. - It's OK.
1:16:47 > 1:16:49I know I'm a little bit daft...
1:16:49 > 1:16:51Look, one thing at a time, OK?
1:16:51 > 1:16:55Right. The reason I didn't sleep with you is...
1:16:59 > 1:17:02- ..I've been having an affair with Brendan.- Right.
1:17:02 > 1:17:04Yeah. And...
1:17:04 > 1:17:06I felt guilty.
1:17:06 > 1:17:08You know?
1:17:08 > 1:17:10And I felt confused...
1:17:10 > 1:17:12and...
1:17:12 > 1:17:14that's it.
1:17:14 > 1:17:18I was wondering how long it was going to take you to tell me.
1:17:18 > 1:17:21You knew?
1:17:21 > 1:17:23How could you know?
1:17:23 > 1:17:25Leo...
1:17:26 > 1:17:32you were behaving extremely strangely and you were wearing Brendan's jacket.
1:17:32 > 1:17:35I also wondered who would tell me. Thank you, Leo.
1:17:38 > 1:17:40Sally, I'm sorry.
1:17:40 > 1:17:45I can't spend half my life trying to figure out what you're not telling me.
1:17:45 > 1:17:48- I just need you to be honest with me. - Yeah.
1:17:48 > 1:17:50I know. I...
1:17:54 > 1:17:55I am so sorry.
1:18:01 > 1:18:03Look,
1:18:03 > 1:18:05can you...
1:18:05 > 1:18:07can you forgive me?
1:18:09 > 1:18:11Yeah.
1:18:11 > 1:18:13Thank you.
1:18:13 > 1:18:16No, it doesn't mean I want you back.
1:18:19 > 1:18:21Well, I...
1:18:21 > 1:18:23Maybe we could work on it.
1:18:23 > 1:18:26We've worked on it. This is what we've come up with.
1:18:26 > 1:18:31Let's look each other in the eye and just say, "It's over."
1:18:37 > 1:18:39When you can do that come and see me.
1:18:56 > 1:18:58Sally! Sally!
1:19:00 > 1:19:03- Leo! Leo! - What?
1:19:03 > 1:19:05- What's Pecorino? - A cheese.
1:19:06 > 1:19:08No, no, it's ham.
1:19:14 > 1:19:16It's on the house.
1:19:21 > 1:19:23SMOOTH JAZZ
1:19:47 > 1:19:50It wasn't the handcuffs or the damage to the Calvins,
1:19:50 > 1:19:55but the way he did it and the things he said. Made me feel very cheap.
1:19:55 > 1:19:59We must rebirth this adorable individual right now.
1:19:59 > 1:20:03- Is there a quiet room near here? - What are we going to do?
1:20:03 > 1:20:04Darren?
1:20:04 > 1:20:05Yes?
1:20:05 > 1:20:11- How would you like to be cleansed? - Completely cleansed of all negativity.
1:20:11 > 1:20:13Like a face pack?
1:20:13 > 1:20:14A spiritual face pack.
1:20:14 > 1:20:17Well, I don't want to be too cleansed.
1:20:17 > 1:20:22These loft conversions, I mean, they look great, but impossible to heat.
1:20:22 > 1:20:25A bit chilly in the bedroom, is it?
1:20:25 > 1:20:27That's something you'll never know.
1:20:30 > 1:20:35- This was all our idea, you know. It wasn't just Darren's.- I know.
1:20:39 > 1:20:42- So, when are you off to Thailand? - I'm not.
1:20:42 > 1:20:45Brendan's going on his own.
1:20:45 > 1:20:47You are still back together?
1:20:47 > 1:20:49He moved back in, yeah.
1:20:49 > 1:20:51I didn't invite him.
1:20:51 > 1:20:53He came back and...
1:20:53 > 1:20:55I'm still fond of him.
1:20:57 > 1:20:58Is that why
1:20:58 > 1:21:00you haven't called me?
1:21:00 > 1:21:03Well, three's a crowd.
1:21:04 > 1:21:06- Leo!- What?
1:21:07 > 1:21:11- Brendan I had seven years together. - I know.
1:21:11 > 1:21:16- He'll always be a part of my life, so you'll have to respect that. - I do.
1:21:18 > 1:21:23You helped me. I'm remembering who I want to be and it's fun.
1:21:23 > 1:21:25I thank you for that.
1:21:28 > 1:21:31Oh, Sal, I've missed you.
1:21:31 > 1:21:33Oh!
1:21:33 > 1:21:35I've missed you, too.
1:21:37 > 1:21:39I don't want to let you go.
1:21:41 > 1:21:43You don't have to!
1:21:45 > 1:21:47- What?- Nothing.
1:21:47 > 1:21:53- You do have to change your clothes and come out and enjoy the party. - Yeah?- Yeah.
1:21:53 > 1:21:55OK.
1:21:57 > 1:21:58I'll be there.
1:22:01 > 1:22:04- See you out there.- Yeah.
1:22:04 > 1:22:06INTERCOM BUZZES
1:22:08 > 1:22:10Hello? Oh.
1:22:11 > 1:22:13No, stay there. I'll come down.
1:22:18 > 1:22:20Voila.
1:22:20 > 1:22:23You should have brought the women from your group along.
1:22:23 > 1:22:25Add a little female energy.
1:22:25 > 1:22:29Actually, they're all a bit volatile at the moment.
1:22:29 > 1:22:33Jane's decided she's not a lesbian. She just happens to love a woman.
1:22:33 > 1:22:37Wendy's decided she is a lesbian but she wants to be with a man.
1:22:37 > 1:22:41And Penny doesn't feel sexual and says she feels left out.
1:22:44 > 1:22:46What do you want?
1:22:46 > 1:22:48I wanted to...
1:22:48 > 1:22:50you know.
1:22:51 > 1:22:53I brought you these.
1:22:53 > 1:22:55And?
1:22:55 > 1:22:57Well, I thought maybe we could...
1:22:57 > 1:23:01spend the evening together. I've got Time Out.
1:23:01 > 1:23:06Well, it's a bit difficult this evening. We're having a party.
1:23:06 > 1:23:08Oh, I see.
1:23:10 > 1:23:12Oh, well.
1:23:17 > 1:23:19Will you please take these?
1:23:23 > 1:23:24Jeremy?
1:23:24 > 1:23:26Mmm?
1:23:26 > 1:23:27There must be changes.
1:23:27 > 1:23:29I can change.
1:23:29 > 1:23:31There have to be trips to art galleries.
1:23:31 > 1:23:34Absolutely. I've circled ideas.
1:23:34 > 1:23:36I want lunches in Soho. Why not?
1:23:54 > 1:23:58That is a rather splendid bunch of...keys.
1:23:58 > 1:24:00Oh, yes.
1:24:00 > 1:24:03I've got the keys to my mum's place
1:24:03 > 1:24:06and the keys to my place
1:24:06 > 1:24:08and...oh...
1:24:08 > 1:24:10What? Keys to what?
1:24:11 > 1:24:14We haven't much time. Ang's at the party.
1:24:16 > 1:24:20- You're just jealous because I went out and did it.- Oh, yeah?
1:24:20 > 1:24:25- You were sat with your muscle mag. - That's a quaint way of putting it. - Oh, God.
1:24:25 > 1:24:30OK. Now you've done the gay thing, so it's back to the wife and kids?
1:24:30 > 1:24:33- Jesus, you are so... - What is the point?
1:24:33 > 1:24:37- Twisted...- Why not just pay someone to do all the difficult stuff?
1:24:37 > 1:24:42They could come home and give you little written reports.
1:24:42 > 1:24:44You fucker.
1:24:44 > 1:24:46Do you want to step outside, Paddy?
1:24:46 > 1:24:48Yeah. Yeah, right, I do.
1:24:48 > 1:24:50Good.
1:24:50 > 1:24:52About time I gave you a smack.
1:24:56 > 1:25:00Those two don't need to fight, they need to fuck.
1:25:00 > 1:25:02You know,
1:25:02 > 1:25:05I think you may be right. Good.
1:25:05 > 1:25:07Come on, come on.
1:25:07 > 1:25:09What?
1:25:09 > 1:25:11You love it, huh?
1:25:14 > 1:25:16Are you over him?
1:25:16 > 1:25:18Erm, yeah. Yeah, I think so. You?
1:25:18 > 1:25:20Er, me? Erm...
1:25:21 > 1:25:24at least ninety five percent.
1:25:24 > 1:25:26Good.
1:25:26 > 1:25:28Are you over me, though?
1:25:28 > 1:25:31Over you? I haven't even been under you yet.
1:25:31 > 1:25:33Or not for very long!
1:25:33 > 1:25:37That's true, but maybe this is all just foreplay for me.
1:25:37 > 1:25:39Oh, right!
1:25:39 > 1:25:41Ten years of foreplay.
1:25:41 > 1:25:46Yeah. I'm a slow-burner. It takes me a while to get going. I thought women liked this.
1:25:46 > 1:25:52- They love it. But what should I expect first, you or the menopause?- Sally!
1:25:52 > 1:25:54You are so demanding.
1:25:54 > 1:25:56Oi! Come here.
1:25:56 > 1:26:02Will you excuse us? We're just going to nip across the hall, spend some quality time.
1:26:04 > 1:26:08- I think she likes you.- Get lost. - I do think she likes you.
1:26:10 > 1:26:16Mwah! Happy birthday, gorgeous. We're just going to go and... sand my floors.
1:26:16 > 1:26:18SHE LAUGHS
1:26:18 > 1:26:20Leo, whatever you do, I love you.
1:26:20 > 1:26:22You take care of him.
1:26:22 > 1:26:24- Right, bye!- Bye.
1:26:29 > 1:26:32I'm in one of those moods and I'm not even drunk.
1:26:32 > 1:26:35That could easily be arranged.
1:26:35 > 1:26:40What do you say, we check into some faceless hotel and raid the mini-bar?
1:26:40 > 1:26:43Where do you get that mind of yours?
1:26:45 > 1:26:47- Bye, Leo.- Bye.
1:26:49 > 1:26:51Come on, then.
1:26:51 > 1:26:53Oh!
1:26:53 > 1:26:55Oh, my God. Did I hurt you?
1:26:55 > 1:26:57- Oh, yes.- Jesus.
1:26:57 > 1:26:59- Ow!- Oh, God.
1:26:59 > 1:27:01Ow!
1:27:05 > 1:27:09You should never call an Irishman Paddy, you know that?
1:27:09 > 1:27:12I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
1:27:12 > 1:27:14I was going to call you dickhead.
1:27:17 > 1:27:19You know, Terry,
1:27:20 > 1:27:26I know this great pub just round the corner that serves real Guinness.
1:27:26 > 1:27:28Would you let me buy you a pint?
1:27:30 > 1:27:32- Real Guinness?- Yeah.
1:27:34 > 1:27:36That'd be nice, yeah.
1:27:36 > 1:27:38Come on, then.
1:27:40 > 1:27:44- Have you ever been to Thailand? - No, but I like the food.
1:27:47 > 1:27:48Well, there you go.
1:27:48 > 1:27:50Another year.
1:27:50 > 1:27:54Was it my imagination or did everyone pair off?
1:27:54 > 1:27:57Yeah, they did. Still, it's...
1:27:57 > 1:27:59it's kind of convenient.
1:28:00 > 1:28:02It just...leaves us.
1:28:02 > 1:28:04You know?
1:28:05 > 1:28:07What do you say?
1:28:07 > 1:28:09Let's cause a little gossip.
1:28:10 > 1:28:15I don't know. So far, you've been THE most disappointing lover.
1:28:15 > 1:28:18- I feel good about that. - Do you now?- Yeah.
1:28:18 > 1:28:22How could I possibly disappoint you any more?
1:28:22 > 1:28:26And that's a very good feeling to have when you're a guy.
1:28:26 > 1:28:33We have to do something about your tendency to leave at odd moments. Women don't like that at all.
1:28:33 > 1:28:35There must be
1:28:35 > 1:28:37something I can do that women like.
1:28:48 > 1:28:51ANG: OK, out. DARREN: We're just leaving.
1:29:22 > 1:29:24Probably just a phase.
1:29:24 > 1:29:27MUSIC: "Love Plus One" by Haircut 100
1:29:44 > 1:29:48# I went off to the right
1:29:51 > 1:29:55# Without saying good...goodbye
1:29:57 > 1:30:00# Where does it go from here?
1:30:00 > 1:30:03# Is it down to the lake I fear?
1:30:04 > 1:30:06# Ay, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
1:30:07 > 1:30:09# Ay, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
1:30:09 > 1:30:11# Then I call
1:30:11 > 1:30:14# Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring
1:30:15 > 1:30:17# La, la, love plus one
1:30:18 > 1:30:21# Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring
1:30:22 > 1:30:25# When I call love #
1:30:25 > 1:30:29Subtitles by ITFC FoR BBC Broadcast - 2003
1:30:29 > 1:30:33E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk