0:00:10 > 0:00:17This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36GLASS CHIMES
0:00:36 > 0:00:39I'd just like to say thank you, all,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42for being here for our first year.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45All of our lovely residents all looking so smart.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47And for choosing us here at Lark Hall.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50And for having a bit of faith in us.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And...merry Christmas.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57ALL TOAST AND TALK AT ONCE
0:01:13 > 0:01:16CRACKER BANGS LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:22Well... "When a man grows old and his balls grow cold
0:01:22 > 0:01:26"and the tip of his prick turns blue
0:01:27 > 0:01:33"When it bends in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle
0:01:33 > 0:01:35"He can tell us a tale or two."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41What did Father Christmas bring?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I don't believe in him.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I shan't see another Christmas.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Mind you, if I was like her
0:01:51 > 0:01:53I'd shove my head in a gas oven.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55BLOWS WHISTLE
0:01:59 > 0:02:02INHALES DEEPLY
0:02:04 > 0:02:07MIMICS
0:02:07 > 0:02:10WHEEZES
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Mummy!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Mum! What?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I'm busy.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26URINE TRICKLES Eugh.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Arnold's dead.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Ooh! WOMAN: Try and be careful.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Can I have my room back now Arnold's dead?
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Get in there. No.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49But you're getting his sleeping bag when he's finished with it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50HE LAUGHS
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Can we have a bit of respect?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Don't go in that room, Eddie.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17MEN CHATTER OVER HEADPHONES
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I'm not Daley shitting Thompson. Hey, fatty, keep your hair on.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Set?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26REWINDS TAPE
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I read it in the Daily Express.
0:03:34 > 0:03:3890% of small businesses go down the tubes, apparently.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40In the first year.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I should stop you reading that paper.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45A bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Yeah, but people don't need sporting goods.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52They're always going to get old, aren't they?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54It's just teething trouble, Steve.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Kiss, kiss.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01TAPE REWINDS
0:04:02 > 0:04:03PLAYS TAPE
0:04:03 > 0:04:06TAPE HISSES
0:04:08 > 0:04:10BREATHES HEAVILY
0:04:10 > 0:04:13HEAVY BREATHING ON TAPE
0:04:19 > 0:04:21HEAVY BREATHING OVER HEADPHONES
0:04:30 > 0:04:32TYRES SCREECH
0:04:37 > 0:04:40What the hell do you think you're playing at?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41I could have killed you.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Oi! Come here!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And on Boxing Day, we went to top of Skidby Windmill
0:04:51 > 0:04:53and I got badge.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55No, you got a badge.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Edward?
0:05:05 > 0:05:09On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90, went blue and died.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12So far, there has been no communication from him.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17CHILDREN LAUGH
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I think I've made a mistake, all right?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Well, just give it a day. Please. No, I'm fine, thank you.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34But we've just moved all that in.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Well, I'm moving it back out again.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39All right? It's my things, isn't it?
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Who is he?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Some gaga old fart Social Services have sent. Lost his wife.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Clarence! We can get your stuff just how you like.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53You can take as long as you want.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57That's not a word. Yes, it is.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59"Taxi". You're not playing properly.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Remember your first day at school? It's a bit like that, innit?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Yeah, it IS a bit like that.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07The first night's the worst, buddy. Oh! Oh!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I went as mad as her, first couple of nights.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Be quiet! Otherwise the war will start again!
0:06:13 > 0:06:18A lot of jabbering simpletons rushing about, wetting themselves.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21People you don't know telling you what to do.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I'm off. Hey!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Just give it a go.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34This is temporary.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43This is only temporary.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45OK.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51She should do. Then I can move back into my old room.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Oh, you can move back into your old room
0:06:53 > 0:06:55if you can pay us 50 quid a week.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01WOMAN ON TV: Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting
0:07:01 > 0:07:03and the search for life after death.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06The most famous ghost hunters and their most famous cases.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And we are...
0:07:08 > 0:07:09CHANNEL CHANGES
0:07:09 > 0:07:12MOTHER: Hello. Lark Hall. Yeah, just a sec.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Lilian! EDDIE CHANGES CHANNEL
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Your daughter is on the phone. Mavis?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Really?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Mavis, oh!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25WOMAN ON TV: Did a ghost leave these chilling messages
0:07:25 > 0:07:27asking for prayers and...
0:07:27 > 0:07:28CLARENCE CHANGES CHANNEL
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I wouldn't like to predict that at all, Phil.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37What do you want ringing wastefully from Canada, Mavis,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39when a stamp costs hardly nothing?
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Mum! I want to watch 'Arthur C. Clarke'! Mum!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I've been meaning to ask what you wanted doing with those?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Clarence wants to watch 'One Man and His Dog'.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50He's the one who's paying.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53You're a naughty girl. It's about ghosts!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54We're all naughty girls.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57CLANGING Oh, ball bearings!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I wouldn't mind being alone with that one
0:07:59 > 0:08:01in a long, dark railway tunnel.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Can I get my wages, Kath? Oh, sorry. Yeah.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Mum! It's very important. It's about recording ghosts!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11There's a ghost hunter saying what he does when he wants to hunt them.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Steve! Come here!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Oh, no, I think what you wanted to say is,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"Darling, would you mind coming here if you're not too busy?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:22That's what I said. Why can't you watch the TV upstairs?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24No, you ordered me to come in there.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26The TV upstairs is haunted!
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Why don't you do it, then? Please, darling!
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Because I came in there last time, dearest.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36It doesn't matter. And you didn't come over here last time.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Yes, I did. Why don't you listen?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Sorry, love. Will you sort out the TV for him?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Ena, you've just pinched all these knives and forks again!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Yes, sir.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Arnold's ghost must have got into it when he died.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Arnold's ghost had better things to do than hanging around in a telly.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58There, ghosts! Are you happy?
0:08:59 > 0:09:03MAN ON TV: Thermometers to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05And, strange as it might seem,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09one might consider bringing a dog or a cat,
0:09:09 > 0:09:13as animals seem to react to supernatural activity.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Animals also provide much-needed company.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17MOTORBIKE IDLES OUTSIDE
0:09:17 > 0:09:20WOMAN ON TV: Price's methods were thorough and no-nonsense.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Like many scientists of his generation,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25he believed that it was only a matter of time before...
0:09:25 > 0:09:27What do you think happens when you die, Dad?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Can't imagine it's all that different.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37MAN ON TV: ..a dog or cat allowed to roam freely,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40but most of all it's imperative for successful investigation
0:09:40 > 0:09:43that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants
0:09:43 > 0:09:46to allow the ghost hunter to work in controlled conditions
0:09:46 > 0:09:48and without interruptions.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50TAPE HISSES
0:10:01 > 0:10:03STOPS TAPE
0:10:09 > 0:10:10COUGHS
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Bastards.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Hello, pigeon.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Are you a magician?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18No. I'm a retired flasher.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24This used to be my room until Arnold came.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Who's he when he's at home?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30He's not anybody now. He's dead. He died in that bed.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37If you see anything supernatural, do you think you can inform me?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Do you think you can bugger off?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50CLATTERING MAN QUACKS
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Quack, quack.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Ah!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Wuh...wuh-wuh-wuh...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13What? One out!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Give me my ball back!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23GLASS SMASHES
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Wuh-wuh-wuh...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Come here!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Come here while I kick you!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41You think they sent me here to be abused?!
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Get stuffed!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50This is my house!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02HE CRIES
0:13:21 > 0:13:24KNOCKS Big hand's at six, little hand's at eight, Eddie!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32FIRE ALARM RINGS
0:13:35 > 0:13:37SMOKE ALARM BEEPS
0:13:40 > 0:13:42(Get out. Clear off.)
0:13:46 > 0:13:48THUNDER RUMBLES
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Come here, Ena, love! CONFUSED SHOUTING
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Never mind making a bid for freedom!
0:14:12 > 0:14:13CAT MIAOWS
0:14:13 > 0:14:17MAN OVER RADIO: It's all clear. It's a false one.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20They are real people, you know. They are not toys!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22They were little boys and girls as well once!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I don't WANT to live here!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I want things to be like they were!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I want my room back!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LILIAN: Mark my words!
0:14:31 > 0:14:35By the time he's 13, he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Thanks, Lilian(!)
0:14:37 > 0:14:40What did you want to say, Edward? What do you want to say?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Oh, where are you off to with a grump on?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Go on, get yourself off to school.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Tell Mr Kelly you had to go to the dentist.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Idiots!
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Cow!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16ENGINE IDLES
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Wankerer!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Mummy!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Dad!
0:15:52 > 0:15:56LILIAN: Easy way out. Coward's way out.
0:15:56 > 0:16:01STEVE: Just, you know, a cry for help. That's all. Classic.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03A what? Never mind, big ears.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Don't say, "That's all," Steve.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09How could we let him get to that? Poor fella.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11We have to cheer this place up a bit.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'm very sorry for smacking you.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Are you all right?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Come here.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You're very fortunate, you know.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I never met my grandparents.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15And my mummy and daddy are too far away for us to see them much.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19You've got all these old people around
0:17:19 > 0:17:22with all these amazing stories.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It's a privilege.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28At least I think it is.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Do you?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Don't be scared of death, love.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36It's all right to be sad.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40There's no point being scared.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I'm not scared. I just want to know what happens.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46WOMAN OVER PA: Dr Singh to Samuel Bailey Ward.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Could Dr Singh go to the Samuel Bailey Ward?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01CUTLERY CLATTERS
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Nurse!
0:18:03 > 0:18:04I thought you might want your stuff.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Draw that curtain round.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12And give me my left shoe.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Did you want one? No.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Ta.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34EDDIE: Sorry for setting the fire bell off.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Sorry I put a lot of talcum on your floor, and that.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42And that time I chucked dirt on your head.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for...at such a young age.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Sorry.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Are you a magician?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I gave it up. Why don't you start again?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Do me a favour.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10When you...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Did...
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Did you see any kind of bright white light?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25As a matter of fact, I did.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28And then this cross-eyed little Herbert turned up
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and yanked me back out.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32That's what you should be saying sorry for.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39# That certain night
0:19:39 > 0:19:42# The night we met
0:19:42 > 0:19:47# There was magic abroad
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# In the air
0:19:50 > 0:19:54# There were angels dining
0:19:54 > 0:19:58# At the Ritz
0:19:58 > 0:20:02# And a nightingale sang
0:20:03 > 0:20:07# In Berkeley Square... #
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I'm stuck up here on my own with nothing to keep my trousers up with!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Welcome home.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01You know, if I want to top myself...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04..I can jump out the window.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11DOOR SLAMS
0:21:25 > 0:21:28HE MOUTHS
0:21:31 > 0:21:34SOAP OPERA PLAYS ON TV
0:21:34 > 0:21:35POPS BUBBLE WRAP
0:21:45 > 0:21:47HE SNORES
0:22:06 > 0:22:07HE SNIFFLES
0:22:07 > 0:22:09FLOORBOARDS CREAK
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Forget it.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15How much did that cost?
0:23:15 > 0:23:18You can't put a price on looking good, chucklebum.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20How much is 'looking stupid'?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Nice 'do, Stevie.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39CLATTERING
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You want to watch where you're going.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Is this your grand passion?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Yeah. But I'm not supposed to.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56They're all pictures of ghosts.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59When they took that, there was no-one there.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Apart from that bloke.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04MAN SHOUTS ANGRILY
0:24:12 > 0:24:14What's his problem? Who?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Flash Gordon.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21He was in a war. Oh.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26What about the others?
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Lilian's a bit miserable, she trumps a lot. Reg gets drunk.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Elsie used to be a dancing teacher, but now she's got a plastic leg.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Prudence tears up toilet paper.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Ena thinks she's still the King's housemaid
0:24:37 > 0:24:40and she can't stop stealing stuff.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Clive's had a stroke, so the only thing he can say is, "One out."
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"Rage...
0:24:46 > 0:24:47"Rage against the dying of the light."
0:24:47 > 0:24:51JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:51 > 0:24:54# The wheels on the bus go round and round
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# Round and round round and round
0:24:57 > 0:25:01# The wheels on the bus go round and round
0:25:01 > 0:25:03# All day long... #
0:25:03 > 0:25:06WOMAN: They do go round and round, don't they?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07WOMAN 2: Sometimes.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10# The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# Woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof... #
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Jesus Christ Almighty! # All day long
0:25:19 > 0:25:21MAN: # All day long
0:25:21 > 0:25:25# The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa
0:25:25 > 0:25:29# Waa-waa-waa, waa-waa-waa... #
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I can't put the two things together.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Lived on my own...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Well, myself and the Mrs.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40You live on your own all your life,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42and then they think it's a great idea
0:25:42 > 0:25:46to shove you together with a load of strangers.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48And what do the mummies on the bus say? Anyone?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51"Screw this," if they've got any sense.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Everybody all right? WOMAN: Yes, thank you.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Nice to see you, Clarence.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# The mummies on the bus say "Hush-hush-hush
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# "Hush-hush-hush... # Oh, God.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07I know something that would cheer you up.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09CLARENCE: You've got to be bleeding kidding!
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Have one of your beers. I want to show you something.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Are you interested in ghosts? No, not in the slightest.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19I am. So I gathered.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I'm trying to catch them on tape.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26Where are you going? There's nothing in it, you know? It's all a lot of bollocks. No, it's not.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28It is.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping."
0:26:32 > 0:26:34He's going to be pissed off when he wakes up.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39This is going to bring my piles down.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I need a coin.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Now you have to dance around it a hundred times.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Their hand comes out and you can ask it questions. Come on.
0:27:02 > 0:27:03One...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07..two...
0:27:10 > 0:27:11..98...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15What's happening? Nothing much.
0:27:16 > 0:27:1899...
0:27:22 > 0:27:23..100.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I mean, there's lots of different ways to contact them.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Seances and Ouija boards.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38And, like, you can stand in front of a mirror, right,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41and say someone's name again and again and again,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43and then they'll appear.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Does this apply to anyone?
0:27:45 > 0:27:46No, you have to be dead.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Is that your wife?
0:28:02 > 0:28:04She looks like Dame Edna.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Shut up.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11And now it's good night from me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14And it's good night from him. BOTH: Good night.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Good night!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22CLARENCE: Good night, sweet ladies.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Thanks for the mystery tour. I'm not that bothered, in the future.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30My name's Edward.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Mine's Clarence.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42MUSIC: I'm In The Mood For Love by Vera Lynn
0:29:50 > 0:29:51Annie.
0:29:53 > 0:29:54Annie.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Annie?
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Annie.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Annie!
0:30:11 > 0:30:12Annie.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Annie.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Annie?
0:30:32 > 0:30:33Annie.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Right, I'm knocking off.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44That's a good idea. I'm off down the Ship.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Do you mind if I get changed in here?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48In, uh...
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Did you see Top of the Pops last night?
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Oh, no, I don't watch it.
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Who was on?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13No, I don't watch it neither. No.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14SHE LAUGHS
0:31:16 > 0:31:17Are you still with Mike, or...?
0:31:17 > 0:31:20Oh, no, I packed him in.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24I mean, we're both going away soon, so...
0:31:24 > 0:31:26University? That's it.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29I wish I'd gone sometimes.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31I failed my Geography A-level.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34I didn't realise there was another question on the back of the page.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37I finished half an hour before everybody else
0:31:37 > 0:31:39and I'm sitting there, thinking, "They're bloody slow!"
0:31:39 > 0:31:40SHE LAUGHS
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Do you want a lift, or anything?
0:31:44 > 0:31:47Um...yeah, if you like.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Great. I'll just get me jacket on.
0:32:13 > 0:32:14DOOR OPENS
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Ooh, you smell like a tart's window box, Steve! What have you got on?
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Oh, uh, just something I were bought for Christmas, you know.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34TAPE HISSES
0:32:37 > 0:32:39This is what I've got to look forward to, is it?
0:32:39 > 0:32:40STOPS TAPE
0:32:40 > 0:32:43Can't you find something more constructive to do?
0:32:43 > 0:32:44Learn a skill?
0:32:44 > 0:32:46I only want to know what happens.
0:32:47 > 0:32:53What happens is...is you think the last thought you're ever going to think
0:32:53 > 0:32:59and then whatever it was that used to be you, just goes.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Christ, it'd be lovely! I've got lots of things I'd like to say.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07But the curtains come down, unfortunately.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08That's horrible!
0:33:08 > 0:33:14It can't just be black! Don't take the piss! It can't just be black!
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Are you waiting for someone?
0:33:38 > 0:33:39Yes, a little lad.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41BELL RINGS
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Your grandson, is he?
0:33:46 > 0:33:48No.
0:33:48 > 0:33:49Just a little lad.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51CHILDREN SHOUT
0:34:03 > 0:34:05BOY: Gaylord!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12You don't have to come and get me.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Don't you want a game? It's nice weather for one.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19I don't like football.
0:34:19 > 0:34:25I was wondering if you might accompany me on an expedition?
0:34:36 > 0:34:38EDDIE FLICKS SWITCH
0:34:39 > 0:34:41The bulb's broken.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43Doesn't matter. The darker, the better.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Now, for those of you...
0:34:55 > 0:34:59..who have never before sat in a seance,
0:34:59 > 0:35:03there is absolutely nothing to be fearful of.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Ghosts are very friendly sorts.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09They like a nice chinwag.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12But they're very scared of loud noises
0:35:12 > 0:35:14and sudden movements,
0:35:14 > 0:35:18which is the reason why they're very rarely to be sighted
0:35:18 > 0:35:21in discos and wrestling matches, for example.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24You shouldn't joke. It'll make 'em vengeful.
0:35:24 > 0:35:29Spirits, please accept my mortal apologies.
0:35:33 > 0:35:38Now...who are we hoping to contact tonight?
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Anyone. OK, we'll try for anyone.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Is there anybody there?
0:35:48 > 0:35:51Is there anybody there?
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Is there anybody there?
0:35:54 > 0:35:55BANG
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Is someone in here?
0:35:57 > 0:35:59BANG
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Who is it? Arnold?
0:36:03 > 0:36:04BANG BANG
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Someone else?
0:36:08 > 0:36:11BANG Who?
0:36:11 > 0:36:15It's "yes or no" questions only, I think.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Is there life after death?
0:36:18 > 0:36:20BANG
0:36:20 > 0:36:22What's it like? Is it nice?
0:36:23 > 0:36:26BANG Are there any ghosts in this house?
0:36:26 > 0:36:28SCREWS RATTLE HE GASPS
0:36:28 > 0:36:33Are there any nice ghosts in this house that don't want to scare anyone
0:36:33 > 0:36:35or cause any bother, or nothing?
0:36:35 > 0:36:37BANG
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Yeah.
0:36:55 > 0:36:59STEVE AND KATH: # Happy birthday to you
0:36:59 > 0:37:04# Happy birthday, dear Edward
0:37:04 > 0:37:09# Happy birthday to you! #
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Hey. Good morning! Good morning.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14MOTORBIKE APPROACHES
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Do you like it? Yeah.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Thanks.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30I'm, uh...going to have a shave.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33MOTORBIKE DRIVES OFF
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Can I have a kiss, please? Thank you.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44It's a special and glorious day today.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Yeah. Canada's a country.
0:37:47 > 0:37:51And my big God-bothering girl Mavis
0:37:51 > 0:37:53is coming from there to see me today!
0:37:54 > 0:37:57With her husband who's got a plate in his head.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Of course, she's not a girl now, little man.
0:37:59 > 0:38:03She's 66 years old. I'm 11!
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Well, she's six times better than you are, isn't she?
0:38:06 > 0:38:09COUGHS VIOLENTLY
0:38:14 > 0:38:16THUD
0:38:19 > 0:38:21KATH: Steve!
0:38:21 > 0:38:23STEVE: What? Come here!
0:38:23 > 0:38:24FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Oh, fantastic(!) CAR APPROACHES
0:38:39 > 0:38:42DOOR BELL RINGS
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Someone answer the door!
0:38:44 > 0:38:45MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES
0:38:48 > 0:38:50Who do you think you are, then?
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Lord and Lady Aggleshite?
0:38:52 > 0:38:53Tradesman's entrance!
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Well, shake a leg!
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Up! I've got her. I've got her.
0:38:58 > 0:38:59Mum!
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Happy birthday, mate! Back to your room! Quick smart!
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Is she dead?! No. No, she's fine. She's fine.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08No. THUD
0:39:10 > 0:39:13CLARENCE: What's all the fuss about?
0:39:13 > 0:39:15She's had it. She's only just died!
0:39:15 > 0:39:18Now stop that. Stop what you're doing!
0:39:29 > 0:39:31AIR RUSHES
0:39:33 > 0:39:36KATH: She's just in her room with her things.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42It's hard to know what to say.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Eddie, I'm worried this is how the Yorkshire Ripper must have started.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03Oh, Steve, he's not going to end up like the Yorkshire Ripper!
0:40:03 > 0:40:06What's wrong with playing with your Lego? Why are you so bloody morbid?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08Cos I live here! We are doing our best!
0:40:08 > 0:40:10We used to go away for the day on my birthday.
0:40:10 > 0:40:11Oh, Eddie.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14That doesn't entitle you to do whatever you bloody like!
0:40:29 > 0:40:33I heard Lilian's ghost. It went... HE GROANS
0:40:33 > 0:40:36And I was too thick to turn the tape on.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Yeah, that's the sound it makes.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41It's the air passing over the vocal cords as it comes out of the lungs.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43No, it's not.
0:40:45 > 0:40:46Can we do another seance?
0:40:46 > 0:40:48The proper reaction is to mourn
0:40:48 > 0:40:51and to celebrate their achievements as human beings,
0:40:51 > 0:40:55and then try to move on, not stick a microphone up their nose!
0:40:57 > 0:41:00I used to have a room with Paddington Bear wallpaper.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04Yeah, well, I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth.
0:41:04 > 0:41:08Your life changes, buster. And not always for the better.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13You accumulate regrets and they stick to you like old bruises.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19Sorry.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Many happy returns of the day.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36I'll teach you a few tricks.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40I'll do you a magic show.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42And you can rub out all of today.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45And you can ask your pals.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47I don't want a party.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51Join hands and make contact with the living, son!
0:41:53 > 0:41:56You've got to keep it hidden, you see?
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Keep it in the knuckles. Go on.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03You're lucky. You're still flexible.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Go on.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08Now make it disappear.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11Go on!
0:42:13 > 0:42:14HE LAUGHS
0:42:14 > 0:42:17Pick it up.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Start again.
0:42:19 > 0:42:24It doesn't start until September, does it?
0:42:24 > 0:42:25Tanya!
0:42:26 > 0:42:30God Almighty! Poor bunch of pricks!
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Go on, ask him.
0:42:33 > 0:42:34Ask him about your party.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39Good afternoon, Bob. I don't understand.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41It doesn't take five months to pack!
0:42:42 > 0:42:44Tragic, isn't it?
0:42:46 > 0:42:48What were her achievements, then?
0:42:49 > 0:42:51What was she like?
0:42:52 > 0:42:54She was a manipulative,
0:42:54 > 0:42:57passive-aggressive
0:42:57 > 0:42:59unkind old asshole.
0:43:11 > 0:43:17CLARENCE: # Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
0:43:17 > 0:43:20# Cheerio, here I go
0:43:20 > 0:43:22# On my way... #
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Tanya's resigned!
0:43:25 > 0:43:27Can you believe that? She's what?
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Can I have a birthday party, Mum? I know I was a prick.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Where did you pick up language like that?
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Did she give any details?
0:43:33 > 0:43:36I want a magic show. Eddie, you were a naughty boy.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Oh, go on. Hello? Details. Mum!
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Eddie, will you just get off our backs for one minute?!
0:43:41 > 0:43:43We've got this wake going on. That's enough to deal with you!
0:43:43 > 0:43:49# Till we meet once again, you and I
0:43:49 > 0:43:53# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye... #
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Maybe we should have a wee dance?
0:43:56 > 0:44:00The dancers have all gone under the hill, my dear.
0:44:00 > 0:44:06# With a cheer, not a tear Make it gay... #
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Oh, go on, then.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10It'll do you good to have some other kids around.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12She must have said something about why.
0:44:14 > 0:44:18I don't know what you're so upset about. It's me who'll cop for the extra work.
0:44:18 > 0:44:22Oh, yeah...cos I do sod all around here, don't I(?`
0:44:22 > 0:44:25You know, sometimes I wish we did go bloody bankrupt!
0:44:27 > 0:44:32# Till we meet once again, you and I
0:44:32 > 0:44:38# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye. #
0:44:44 > 0:44:48Find the Lady. 5 will get you 10, 10 will get you 20. Put your money in.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51Where is it?
0:44:51 > 0:44:53No. There she is.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55HE LAUGHS
0:44:55 > 0:44:57It's not so bad here, is it, eh? BOTH: No.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59And the vicar says...
0:45:00 > 0:45:04.."Madam, this is a ladies' bike,
0:45:04 > 0:45:06"it doesn't have a crossbar."
0:45:08 > 0:45:09He GROWLS
0:45:10 > 0:45:12You see...
0:45:13 > 0:45:16..she's thought she was sitting on the crossbar
0:45:16 > 0:45:18all the way from Keighley.
0:45:21 > 0:45:23But it was his stiffy. Yeah.
0:45:26 > 0:45:28Everyone all right? ALL: Yeah.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36Fucking Christians.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41You used two panes of very polished glass for Pepper's ghost
0:45:41 > 0:45:43at an angle like that, yeah?
0:45:43 > 0:45:46Annie lies there. Well, your assistant.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48You've had this. What?
0:45:48 > 0:45:51You've already had this week's, buddy. It's only Tuesday.
0:45:51 > 0:45:55I do not believe that I have already had this week's.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58Don't ya? No, sunshine, I don't.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
0:46:01 > 0:46:02Bugger off.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09It can just be very small-scale.
0:46:09 > 0:46:10It could just be me and you.
0:46:10 > 0:46:13What could? My birthday party.
0:46:13 > 0:46:17I have been trying to draw you out of yourself for a bit,
0:46:17 > 0:46:19in case you hadn't twigged on.
0:46:19 > 0:46:21God, what's the worst that could happen?
0:46:21 > 0:46:27Kids eat some cake, we lift the grim bloody pallor of mortality
0:46:27 > 0:46:29for a few glorious moments.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33OK. This one.
0:46:33 > 0:46:36Got. Got.
0:46:36 > 0:46:38Need. Oi.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40What?
0:46:40 > 0:46:44Have we got PE? Of course we have, spastic.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Hey.
0:46:53 > 0:46:55Shit!
0:46:58 > 0:46:59CHILDREN LAUGH
0:46:59 > 0:47:01Whoa.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04BOY: Wicked. The light is on!
0:47:04 > 0:47:06The light is on!
0:47:08 > 0:47:10CLARENCE: You've got to flex it between your knuckles.
0:47:10 > 0:47:12Don't drop it.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Flex it in your whatnots.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17Bleedin' hell.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20You've got to practise, you know.
0:47:20 > 0:47:21Have you been prac...?
0:47:21 > 0:47:23Give us your whatsits.
0:47:23 > 0:47:26Doodah there.
0:47:26 > 0:47:29You're not going to leave, are you?
0:47:30 > 0:47:33Why do you write so much on your arms?
0:47:33 > 0:47:35STARTS ENGINE
0:47:35 > 0:47:38Shall we go and get some magical items for your party?
0:47:38 > 0:47:41CLARENCE AND EDDIE: # Don't jump off the roof, Dad
0:47:41 > 0:47:44# You'll make a big hole in the yard
0:47:44 > 0:47:47# Mother's just planted petunias
0:47:47 > 0:47:51# The weeding and seeding was hard
0:47:51 > 0:47:54# If you must end it all, Dad
0:47:54 > 0:47:58# Why don't you give us a break?
0:47:58 > 0:48:01# Take a walk in the park, Dad
0:48:01 > 0:48:05# And there you can jump in the lake. #
0:48:05 > 0:48:07HORNS HONK
0:48:07 > 0:48:09CLARENCE: Oops-a-daisy.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15This is where we are, then.
0:48:15 > 0:48:17Find some items to make your party go with a swing.
0:48:24 > 0:48:25FLICKS SWITCH
0:48:27 > 0:48:30It's funny. You spend your life accumulating stuff,
0:48:30 > 0:48:33and then you can't find anywhere to put it.
0:48:38 > 0:48:40Imagine that.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43Imagine all the money I've spent.
0:48:44 > 0:48:45All the bloody work I've done.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02There.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05I had a fine woman, you know.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07She was very artistic.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10Very gentle.
0:49:11 > 0:49:13We were very happy.
0:49:13 > 0:49:14What's this do?
0:49:14 > 0:49:17Tells the time. Is it magic?
0:49:17 > 0:49:18No, it's a grandfather clock.
0:49:20 > 0:49:23You've got to give 'em the patter.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26Otherwise they'll latch on to you.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29What's patter? She was very good at that as well.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31She used to help me write my little funny lines.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36I met her at Euston Station.
0:49:37 > 0:49:39Well, I saw her.
0:49:40 > 0:49:44She passed me by, I went after her.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48I had a 10-bob note in my pocket.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50You don't see them any more. They were red.
0:49:51 > 0:49:55So, I took it out and I said, "Excuse my intrusion, Miss,
0:49:55 > 0:49:58"but I think you might have dropped this."
0:49:58 > 0:50:02And she said, "Oh, gosh, I did. Thank you."
0:50:06 > 0:50:08So, I took her to Lyons Corner House.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12We had a long bun,
0:50:12 > 0:50:13as it were.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17And that, as they say, was that.
0:50:23 > 0:50:25Oh, God.
0:50:31 > 0:50:33I haven't the faintest idea why they scrapped it.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37Tanners, florins, shillings.
0:50:37 > 0:50:40You don't know what change you're getting nowadays.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43And, uh...
0:50:43 > 0:50:45..and...
0:50:45 > 0:50:46..uh...
0:50:46 > 0:50:48Where is this?
0:50:48 > 0:50:50WIPERS SQUEAK
0:50:51 > 0:50:56TYRES SCREECH, HORNS HONK Clarence!
0:50:56 > 0:50:58TYRES SCREECH
0:50:59 > 0:51:01Patter. What?
0:51:01 > 0:51:03Misdirection. Clarence, you're going the wrong...
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Clarence! TYRES SCREECH
0:51:06 > 0:51:08HORN HONKS
0:51:09 > 0:51:11CRASH
0:51:20 > 0:51:21CLARENCE: Sorry, I...
0:51:21 > 0:51:25EDDIE: # Don't jump off the roof, Dad
0:51:25 > 0:51:30# You'll make a big hole in the yard. #
0:51:30 > 0:51:31MAN: You shouldn't be driving, pal.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33HE SLAMS DOOR
0:51:34 > 0:51:35Are you OK?
0:51:53 > 0:51:55When I was a nipper...
0:51:55 > 0:51:58..I used to...
0:51:58 > 0:52:02I remember looking up, lying on my back...
0:52:03 > 0:52:05..and looking up at the stars...
0:52:06 > 0:52:09..and thinking, "What a great, big university it is."
0:52:09 > 0:52:11Universe.
0:52:11 > 0:52:16And all them stars, well, yeah, now...
0:52:16 > 0:52:17..they're very, very small.
0:52:19 > 0:52:23It's all shut up shop,
0:52:23 > 0:52:27and the stars, you know, they don't whatnot.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34And the whole bloody thing...
0:52:36 > 0:52:39..has ended up on little...
0:52:43 > 0:52:45..me.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50You can take it to a garage.
0:52:51 > 0:52:53What?
0:52:53 > 0:52:54Oh.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58ENGINE FAILS TO START
0:53:03 > 0:53:08You see, when you die then you come back to life.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12You know, actually,
0:53:12 > 0:53:14you're born again
0:53:14 > 0:53:16then you die again,
0:53:16 > 0:53:18and afterwards you come back to life.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24Sounds exhausting.
0:53:27 > 0:53:31I want to come back as an animal.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35A rabbit or a badger, or something.
0:53:35 > 0:53:39I like badgers. What's so good about badgers?
0:53:39 > 0:53:43Well, I like badgers because they're bad-tempered and they look good.
0:53:44 > 0:53:48And you can make sporrans out of badgers.
0:53:49 > 0:53:53But if you came back as a person you get a chance to put it right again.
0:53:53 > 0:53:55Let me tell you a secret.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59Being a person is a pain in the arse.
0:53:59 > 0:54:00No, it's not.
0:54:00 > 0:54:02Yes, it is.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10Clarence. What?
0:54:12 > 0:54:15If you die will you come back and see me?
0:54:15 > 0:54:16Jesus wept!
0:54:16 > 0:54:18Chuck that thing away.
0:54:18 > 0:54:19Chuck it...chuck it away!
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Chuck my bloody tricks away.
0:54:26 > 0:54:28HE GROANS
0:54:38 > 0:54:39What did you do that for?
0:54:41 > 0:54:44Oh, I'm pissing against the wind. I'm drenching my mackintosh.
0:54:44 > 0:54:47You don't come back, son!
0:54:48 > 0:54:51Once they've gone you can't talk to them!
0:54:53 > 0:54:55If I could just say to her I'm sorry...
0:54:55 > 0:54:57If I could tell her I was bloody sorry...
0:54:58 > 0:55:01..what a difference that would make.
0:55:01 > 0:55:02She's dead, son!
0:55:03 > 0:55:05She divorced me. Who?
0:55:05 > 0:55:07Annie.
0:55:07 > 0:55:10I-I wouldn't settle down, I couldn't keep it in my trousers,
0:55:10 > 0:55:12you know what I mean?
0:55:12 > 0:55:14I was a good-looking fella.
0:55:16 > 0:55:19Then one day I came back home
0:55:19 > 0:55:20and she'd...
0:55:25 > 0:55:28Many years later I got a letter saying that she'd...
0:55:33 > 0:55:35I was too late for her bloody funeral!
0:55:35 > 0:55:38HE SOBS
0:55:38 > 0:55:40I've never even seen her grave!
0:55:42 > 0:55:46It's hard to get this far
0:55:46 > 0:55:48and realise there's absolutely bloody nothing.
0:55:49 > 0:55:51You said you were happy.
0:55:51 > 0:55:53Who's happy?
0:55:53 > 0:55:55We could do another seance.
0:55:55 > 0:55:58Don't be retarded. I made it up, I did it all for your benefit.
0:55:58 > 0:56:00What?! Oh, sod off.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02I want to be by myself. Clear your own stuff up!
0:56:02 > 0:56:04I will!
0:56:05 > 0:56:07Badgers are stupid!
0:56:20 > 0:56:23Ooh! Sorry.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27Cooee. Are you getting your rabbit in your hat?
0:56:27 > 0:56:29No, I'm shoving it up your bum.
0:56:41 > 0:56:43REWINDS TAPE
0:56:49 > 0:56:50Makes you think, doesn't it?
0:56:51 > 0:56:53No.
0:56:54 > 0:56:57I wasn't really thinking about anything very much.
0:56:57 > 0:56:59I was thinking about having my dinner.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02HE SIGHS
0:57:02 > 0:57:05No, I mean about
0:57:05 > 0:57:07life being too short, all that balls.
0:57:10 > 0:57:11What's the matter, Stevie?
0:57:16 > 0:57:20Kath and I, you know, we used to have an awful lot of fun.
0:57:20 > 0:57:21It just seems to escape you.
0:57:23 > 0:57:27Oh, Christ, Tanya, don't go to university.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29Eh? Stay here, we could date. Whoa.
0:57:29 > 0:57:30What? Do you think I'm attractive?
0:57:30 > 0:57:33Hold your horses, Stevie. I'm 18 years old.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35I know. It's fantastic. Yeah, and what are you?
0:57:35 > 0:57:37Like, 45? No, I'm 39.
0:57:37 > 0:57:39Going on bloody geriatric.
0:57:41 > 0:57:43KNOCK AT DOOR STOPS TAPE
0:57:44 > 0:57:45CLARENCE: Are you there?
0:57:45 > 0:57:48I'm thinking of doing the card-finding duck.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50Go away!
0:57:50 > 0:57:52Well, it takes two people.
0:57:52 > 0:57:53Tough titty!
0:57:53 > 0:57:56I don't want any bloody magic!
0:58:03 > 0:58:07TEACHER: Right, Ranjit - who in the previous book was called John -
0:58:07 > 0:58:09has got six marbles.
0:58:09 > 0:58:14Zulema - who used to be Samantha - has got 12.
0:58:14 > 0:58:18And Keith, thank goodness, has got four.
0:58:18 > 0:58:23What percentage of the bag does each one have?
0:58:24 > 0:58:26Five minutes.
0:58:26 > 0:58:30BOY: I don't want to! Now, pack it in, the both of you.
0:58:30 > 0:58:33Have some manners. But it's an old folks' homo.
0:58:33 > 0:58:37ELECTRIC MOTOR WHIRRS Good God, what's that smell?
0:58:37 > 0:58:39BOY 2: Eugh, it's wee!
0:58:39 > 0:58:40No wonder he's a complete weirdo.
0:58:42 > 0:58:46GUESTS: # Happy birthday to you
0:58:46 > 0:58:50# Happy birthday to you
0:58:50 > 0:58:55# Happy birthday, dear Edward
0:58:55 > 0:58:59# Happy birthday to you. #
0:58:59 > 0:59:01ALL CHEER
0:59:01 > 0:59:06Go on, make a wish. Quickly, before that senile old bat.
0:59:06 > 0:59:08ALL LAUGH
0:59:08 > 0:59:13MUSIC: Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners
0:59:17 > 0:59:19HE LIP-SYNCS
0:59:19 > 0:59:22RECORD SCRATCHES Carry on, carry on, carry on!
0:59:22 > 0:59:25Let me do it. No, I am perfectly capable.
0:59:25 > 0:59:28RECORD SCRATCHES AND STOPS Him! He's out! He moved!
0:59:28 > 0:59:32I've been moving without a break since 1917.
0:59:32 > 0:59:34I can't do anything else.
0:59:34 > 0:59:36SONG RESUMES
0:59:46 > 0:59:47Get up, you.
0:59:48 > 0:59:50Reg the hare.
0:59:51 > 0:59:54Get up. Get up!
0:59:54 > 0:59:55Oh!
0:59:55 > 0:59:57Now move.
1:00:01 > 1:00:02HE LIP-SYNCS
1:00:10 > 1:00:12HE BREATHES HEAVILY
1:00:45 > 1:00:47Can you do your magic show?
1:00:47 > 1:00:48What?
1:00:52 > 1:00:54Are you sure?
1:01:14 > 1:01:16Have you got any kids?
1:01:22 > 1:01:24KATH: Now, then, ladies and gentlemen,
1:01:24 > 1:01:26boys and girls,
1:01:26 > 1:01:31please put your hands together for the Amazing Clarence!
1:01:31 > 1:01:32CHEERS
1:01:32 > 1:01:34Thank you.
1:01:39 > 1:01:43I'm not the sort of magician who drags you through endless mysteries.
1:01:43 > 1:01:45I'm pretty straightforward.
1:01:49 > 1:01:51And I don't do card tricks.
1:01:51 > 1:01:53AUDIENCE GROANS
1:01:53 > 1:01:55AUDIENCE GASPS
1:01:58 > 1:02:00Well, maybe one or two.
1:02:02 > 1:02:04Would you take a card for me, please?
1:02:04 > 1:02:06Any card. Any card.
1:02:06 > 1:02:07Thank you. Look at it.
1:02:07 > 1:02:09Don't tell me what it is.
1:02:09 > 1:02:12No, no, no, no, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Don't.
1:02:12 > 1:02:13Put it back.
1:02:13 > 1:02:15I have a friend who will do that for me.
1:02:15 > 1:02:18Ronald the card-finding duck. WOMAN: Duck?
1:02:18 > 1:02:20He is going to find your card for you.
1:02:22 > 1:02:24HE LAUGHS
1:02:24 > 1:02:26Quack, quack.
1:02:28 > 1:02:31Can I have another brave volunteer, please?
1:02:31 > 1:02:33Hey. You.
1:02:33 > 1:02:35Another volunteer. Come on.
1:02:35 > 1:02:38Come on. Who? Who?
1:02:38 > 1:02:41You, sir? No. No, no, no. Absolutely not. No, no.
1:02:41 > 1:02:42APPLAUSE
1:02:42 > 1:02:46They'd sit knitting and eating frogs...
1:02:47 > 1:02:51..and watching people having their heads cut off.
1:02:51 > 1:02:52AUDIENCE GASPS
1:03:03 > 1:03:05AUDIENCE GASPS
1:03:05 > 1:03:09Unfortunately, they found that the guillotine
1:03:09 > 1:03:13was susceptible to the power of raspberries.
1:03:15 > 1:03:20They found that if you got enough people to blow raspberries
1:03:20 > 1:03:25the blade would be diverted from its fatal course.
1:03:26 > 1:03:30Which is why...I need your help, OK?
1:03:30 > 1:03:32Let's have a dry run.
1:03:32 > 1:03:34All set?
1:03:34 > 1:03:39ALL INHALE DEEPLY AND BLOW RASPBERRIES
1:03:51 > 1:03:52OK.
1:03:52 > 1:03:55I think we're ready.
1:03:55 > 1:03:56Blow.
1:03:56 > 1:03:58ALL BLOW RASPBERRIES
1:04:00 > 1:04:01SCREAMS
1:04:01 > 1:04:04SCREAMS HUBBUB
1:04:20 > 1:04:22I've wrapped it in a bag of peas. MAN: Thanks.
1:04:22 > 1:04:25Oh, oh. No, no, no, son. Come on. Let go!
1:04:25 > 1:04:27Any other medication? Yes.
1:04:27 > 1:04:28I'm on pills for me...
1:04:32 > 1:04:33Well, I'll be buggered.
1:04:43 > 1:04:45Don't put your finger in it.
1:04:52 > 1:04:53One out.
1:04:57 > 1:05:01WHISTLES 'PACK UP YOUR TROUBLES IN YOUR OLD KITBAG'
1:05:17 > 1:05:19Did you have any?
1:05:19 > 1:05:20It's gone crusty.
1:05:20 > 1:05:23Go on. Why don't you have some, eh?
1:05:24 > 1:05:26Get this candle lit. I don't WANT any.
1:05:28 > 1:05:30Have some cake.
1:05:39 > 1:05:41What's the matter? I live in an old people's home!
1:05:41 > 1:05:44I live in an old people's home as well. It's not easy for anybody.
1:05:44 > 1:05:47You realise this will now be where you send your elderly loved ones
1:05:47 > 1:05:49to have bits of them chopped off?
1:05:49 > 1:05:51It was an accident! Why do you always stick up for him?
1:05:51 > 1:05:54He's not your granddad, Eddie. I wish he was my dad!
1:05:56 > 1:05:57Oh, aye. Well, he's going senile.
1:05:57 > 1:05:59Haven't you noticed?
1:06:00 > 1:06:03So you'll just have to settle for Mr Knobhead here.
1:06:04 > 1:06:06KATH: Why'd you have to say that?
1:06:06 > 1:06:08He'd have found out sooner or later. Let me go!
1:06:08 > 1:06:10Eddie...
1:06:10 > 1:06:14..some people don't die just like that, you know, not like Lilian.
1:06:14 > 1:06:16Some people, they take a bit longer.
1:06:16 > 1:06:19You know, they fade. I know what "senile" is!
1:06:19 > 1:06:21There's still Daddy and me, love.
1:06:21 > 1:06:23We are NOT going to fade away. Yes, you are!
1:06:23 > 1:06:26You are! Eddie, look, they're just clients.
1:06:26 > 1:06:29You shouldn't get so involved. What about you?!
1:06:29 > 1:06:31What? Getting involved!
1:06:33 > 1:06:34PLAYS TAPE
1:06:34 > 1:06:38STEVE: Oh, Christ, Tanya, don't go to university.
1:06:38 > 1:06:40Eh? Stay here, we could date. TANYA: Whoa.
1:06:40 > 1:06:41What? Do you think I'm attractive?
1:06:41 > 1:06:44Hold your horses, Stevie. I'm 18 years old.
1:06:44 > 1:06:46I know. It's fantastic. Yeah, and what are you?
1:06:46 > 1:06:48Like, 45? No, I'm 39.
1:06:48 > 1:06:51Going on bloody geriatric.
1:06:52 > 1:06:55You don't want to have an affair with me, Steve.
1:06:55 > 1:06:57I can't support my family.
1:06:57 > 1:07:00I'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible husband,
1:07:00 > 1:07:03and nobody but you has a single bloody second for me.
1:07:04 > 1:07:07You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya.
1:07:09 > 1:07:10And I think I love ya.
1:07:12 > 1:07:13I do.
1:07:15 > 1:07:16EDDIE STOPS TAPE
1:07:30 > 1:07:33KATH AND STEVE ARGUE IN DISTANCE
1:07:42 > 1:07:45I have never been unfaithful to you. Not in 15 years!
1:07:45 > 1:07:46You just undermine me, Steve.
1:07:48 > 1:07:51All the time. You never do anything other than complain.
1:07:51 > 1:07:54It's exhausting!
1:07:55 > 1:07:57Why don't you just go? Oh, come on!
1:07:57 > 1:08:00I'm sick of it. Go!
1:08:14 > 1:08:17ENGINE STARTS
1:08:21 > 1:08:24CAR DRIVES OFF
1:08:31 > 1:08:32There.
1:08:32 > 1:08:34Oh.
1:08:34 > 1:08:37Oh, you look nice in that tie, Reggie.
1:08:37 > 1:08:39Thank you.
1:08:39 > 1:08:42But you never have it quite straight, do you?
1:08:42 > 1:08:43No? No?
1:08:43 > 1:08:46We've got to straighten you out a bit in general, haven't we?
1:08:46 > 1:08:49Yes. I suppose so, yes.
1:08:49 > 1:08:50SHE LAUGHS
1:08:50 > 1:08:52Come along.
1:08:55 > 1:08:58KNOCKS AT DOOR
1:08:58 > 1:09:00It's half-eight, love.
1:09:02 > 1:09:04Come on, get up.
1:09:04 > 1:09:05I want to talk.
1:09:10 > 1:09:12KNOCKS AT DOOR
1:09:21 > 1:09:22Edward?
1:09:26 > 1:09:27Eddie?
1:09:35 > 1:09:38BOY: On Sunday we went to Edward's birthday party.
1:09:38 > 1:09:41There were a wizard who cut an old man's finger off.
1:09:41 > 1:09:42It were extremely wicked.
1:09:52 > 1:09:53An old person and a young person, please.
1:09:53 > 1:09:55?1.80.
1:09:57 > 1:09:59That's a lot of ready cash.
1:09:59 > 1:10:01He's my granddad.
1:10:01 > 1:10:03Are you? Well, possibly.
1:10:04 > 1:10:06There have been many women.
1:10:10 > 1:10:12When are we going home, then? Eh?
1:10:12 > 1:10:13Come on.
1:10:15 > 1:10:16I want to be where my stuff is.
1:10:23 > 1:10:24Come here!
1:10:25 > 1:10:27Oi! Come here!
1:10:28 > 1:10:29Come here!
1:10:32 > 1:10:35That was a cheap bloody trick. Pull the red what-d'ye-m'-call-it.
1:10:35 > 1:10:36Too late, we're going.
1:10:36 > 1:10:38Pull the what-d'ye-m'-call-it.
1:10:38 > 1:10:40I'll pull it if you tell me what it's called.
1:10:43 > 1:10:44Well, I know it's red.
1:10:48 > 1:10:50What's a divorce like? What?
1:10:50 > 1:10:53A divorce. A bit tricky, I should think.
1:10:55 > 1:10:57Come on.
1:10:57 > 1:10:59Is it still there?
1:10:59 > 1:11:00What?
1:11:00 > 1:11:02Is it? What's the matter?
1:11:03 > 1:11:07Is the, uh... is the ground still there?
1:11:07 > 1:11:10Look, ground, sky. Ground.
1:11:10 > 1:11:12Ow!
1:11:12 > 1:11:15Oi! Concentrate!
1:11:19 > 1:11:21Any danger of a cup of tea and a pork pie?
1:11:23 > 1:11:25Did I already ask that?
1:11:28 > 1:11:30Thank you.
1:11:30 > 1:11:31Stay here.
1:11:34 > 1:11:37My name is Clarence Parkinson.
1:11:38 > 1:11:42And England is my nation.
1:11:43 > 1:11:47My teacher's name is Mr Scott.
1:11:47 > 1:11:51And Christ is my...salvation.
1:11:52 > 1:11:53Clarence!
1:11:53 > 1:11:55Come here!
1:12:04 > 1:12:07That's the same name as my Mrs.
1:12:07 > 1:12:09I know.
1:12:16 > 1:12:18Oh...no.
1:12:21 > 1:12:23Oh, God.
1:12:28 > 1:12:31Sod off.
1:12:32 > 1:12:33Sod off.
1:12:35 > 1:12:36Sod off.
1:12:39 > 1:12:41EMOTIONALLY: Oh, sod off.
1:12:47 > 1:12:49Sod off.
1:12:49 > 1:12:50Put them down, then.
1:12:50 > 1:12:52Put them down.
1:12:52 > 1:12:54Get it off your... Don't.
1:12:54 > 1:12:55Don't.
1:12:57 > 1:12:59You've spoilt them.
1:12:59 > 1:13:01Yeah.
1:13:01 > 1:13:05I've spoilt...all these nice... flowers, haven't I?
1:13:06 > 1:13:08It's all right.
1:13:17 > 1:13:20You know what they're going to say on my gravestone.
1:13:21 > 1:13:25"Here lies Clarence B. Parkinson.
1:13:25 > 1:13:29"He was born, he effed it up, and then he died."
1:13:32 > 1:13:33What's your name?
1:13:35 > 1:13:38Eh? Edward.
1:13:38 > 1:13:41Edward...things aren't exactly...
1:13:43 > 1:13:44..as they ought to be.
1:13:48 > 1:13:49Have you any idea what it is?
1:13:53 > 1:13:55There's something the matter.
1:14:02 > 1:14:05The name on that gravestone...
1:14:05 > 1:14:08..is the same name as my wife.
1:14:17 > 1:14:20Leave it. I'm going to go call my mum.
1:14:27 > 1:14:29STEVE: You know, today's the first time
1:14:29 > 1:14:31we've spent more than half an hour with each other
1:14:31 > 1:14:33without a bloody fogey or shitty arse
1:14:33 > 1:14:36or liquidised bloody carrots getting in the way...
1:14:36 > 1:14:38..for a year.
1:14:39 > 1:14:41Because our kid's run off
1:14:41 > 1:14:43because he hates us so much because of what we do.
1:14:43 > 1:14:45That isn't...
1:14:45 > 1:14:47What we do is good.
1:14:49 > 1:14:51We didn't go to university, Steve.
1:14:51 > 1:14:53You asked me to marry you.
1:14:53 > 1:14:54We had a baby.
1:14:56 > 1:14:58Do you remember how much we...
1:15:00 > 1:15:04Do you remember how hard we tried for him?
1:15:04 > 1:15:06Yeah.
1:15:08 > 1:15:11That was the journey we decided to make.
1:15:11 > 1:15:14And there might be a few less dates...
1:15:14 > 1:15:17..and I might end up looking like my mother, but...
1:15:17 > 1:15:18I'm sorry.
1:15:24 > 1:15:26It's not that way, love. What?
1:15:26 > 1:15:28It's just over here. Come on. I thought I was outside.
1:15:28 > 1:15:30You come with me. That's it.
1:15:34 > 1:15:37I mean, you argue with your mates sometimes, right?
1:15:39 > 1:15:42And obviously your mum and me sometimes...
1:15:44 > 1:15:46HE SIGHS
1:15:46 > 1:15:48I can be a grumpy bum.
1:15:48 > 1:15:50It's no fault of yours, love.
1:15:50 > 1:15:51It's just...
1:15:57 > 1:15:59Are you not going to live at home?
1:16:01 > 1:16:03I don't know.
1:16:05 > 1:16:09Hey, but you must never think, ever...
1:16:09 > 1:16:12..that you're not absolutely the most important thing in the world
1:16:12 > 1:16:13to your mum and me.
1:16:17 > 1:16:19Do you understand?
1:16:28 > 1:16:29When's he going to die?
1:16:33 > 1:16:36We'll look after him.
1:16:36 > 1:16:38Just like we look after everybody.
1:16:40 > 1:16:44I'm a little bit bored with you men and your problems at the moment, Edward.
1:16:46 > 1:16:48Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go.
1:16:50 > 1:16:51I know.
1:16:55 > 1:16:57Hmm!
1:16:59 > 1:17:01There you are.
1:17:02 > 1:17:03Where have you been? Go back to sleep.
1:17:03 > 1:17:06I've been looking for you all over the damn place.
1:17:06 > 1:17:08Oh, God, help us. There's another one here.
1:17:08 > 1:17:10Another wild and woolly one who can't cope with himself.
1:17:10 > 1:17:14Annie...
1:17:14 > 1:17:15..I'm sorry, pigeon.
1:17:18 > 1:17:21That's all I wanted to say. Just tell you that I'm sorry.
1:17:21 > 1:17:23I got distracted.
1:17:24 > 1:17:26If I had my time over again...
1:17:27 > 1:17:30If I had it again... Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
1:17:30 > 1:17:32Annie... I forgive you.
1:17:34 > 1:17:36I forgive you.
1:18:15 > 1:18:18Marty, I'm going to be very sad to see you go.
1:18:18 > 1:18:20You've really made a difference in my life.
1:18:20 > 1:18:22You've given me something to shoot for.
1:18:22 > 1:18:25Just knowing that I'm going to be around to see 1985.
1:18:25 > 1:18:27That I'm going to succeed in this.
1:18:27 > 1:18:30That I'm going to have a chance to travel through time.
1:18:35 > 1:18:37It's going to be really hard waiting 30 years
1:18:37 > 1:18:41before I can talk to you about everything that's happened in the past few days.
1:18:41 > 1:18:43I'm really going to miss you, Marty.
1:18:44 > 1:18:46MARTY: I'm really going to miss you.
1:18:48 > 1:18:50Ace one, wasn't it?
1:18:50 > 1:18:53That one was magic. Hey, did you like the bit with the skateboard?
1:18:53 > 1:18:55I was there too.
1:18:55 > 1:18:57Oh, no. Are you sure?
1:18:57 > 1:19:00Yep. Are you coming in?
1:19:00 > 1:19:01Oh, a couple of minutes can't hurt.
1:19:03 > 1:19:05Hey, but you did like it, though, didn't you?
1:19:05 > 1:19:07It was good, Dad!
1:19:07 > 1:19:10Can I have a word? Most assuredly.
1:19:14 > 1:19:16With him.
1:20:29 > 1:20:31CLARENCE: Getting to be spring outside again, innit?
1:20:31 > 1:20:33EDDIE: It's October.
1:20:34 > 1:20:37The leaves are looking very nice on the, uh...uh...
1:20:37 > 1:20:39..the large plants you get in the garden.
1:20:39 > 1:20:42Trees.
1:20:42 > 1:20:43You're not doing that trick right.
1:20:43 > 1:20:47You've got to give it some patter. Words.
1:20:47 > 1:20:48Why don't you just...
1:20:48 > 1:20:51What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? Russell.
1:20:51 > 1:20:54What do you call a man with a licence plate on his head? Reg.
1:20:54 > 1:20:57And a man with a car on his head? Seatbelt?
1:20:59 > 1:21:01Good lad.
1:21:01 > 1:21:04Can I have my fiver now? Your what?
1:21:04 > 1:21:07You said you'd give me a fiver if I got it right.
1:21:07 > 1:21:09What a load of bollocks.
1:21:09 > 1:21:12KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.
1:21:14 > 1:21:17Ready for me offing? Where are we going?
1:21:17 > 1:21:18Pictures.
1:21:19 > 1:21:22Ta-ta for now.
1:21:28 > 1:21:30DOOR CLOSES
1:21:50 > 1:21:51HE STOPS TAPE
1:21:57 > 1:22:01I was wondering whether you wanted to move back into your old room.
1:22:02 > 1:22:03I'm OK where I am.
1:22:06 > 1:22:08He was some magician, wasn't he?
1:22:14 > 1:22:16Oh.
1:22:37 > 1:22:40BOY: Beckenbauer.
1:22:40 > 1:22:41BOYS LAUGH
1:22:45 > 1:22:47Oh, yeah? He shoots, he scores!
1:22:51 > 1:22:53Come on, then! Pass it.
1:23:02 > 1:23:05One out! HE LAUGHS
1:23:05 > 1:23:07Keegan!
1:23:08 > 1:23:09Beckenbauer!
1:23:17 > 1:23:18Throw it in!
1:23:18 > 1:23:20HE GRUNTS
1:23:20 > 1:23:22Nice one, old man.
1:23:38 > 1:23:39BADGER GROWLS
1:23:43 > 1:23:46Come on. One out!
1:23:59 > 1:24:01Oh, look!
1:24:02 > 1:24:04Abracadabra.
1:24:06 > 1:24:08Ooh.
1:24:14 > 1:24:16EDDIE: Where are you going?
1:24:22 > 1:24:24Out.
1:24:24 > 1:24:26That's all.
1:24:26 > 1:24:28You never go out.
1:24:28 > 1:24:32Well...things are different now, aren't they?
1:24:33 > 1:24:35Why do you have to put make-up on?
1:24:35 > 1:24:37Because...
1:24:39 > 1:24:41Oh, I don't know.
1:24:41 > 1:24:43It makes you feel a bit more human.
1:24:43 > 1:24:47SPRAYS PERFUME You look like a vampire.
1:24:47 > 1:24:49DOOR BELL RINGS
1:24:51 > 1:24:53Cheers, big ears.
1:25:02 > 1:25:04You look nice!
1:25:16 > 1:25:18Hiya. Are you ready?
1:25:18 > 1:25:19Yeah.
1:25:34 > 1:25:37ELECTRIC MOTOR WHIRRS
1:27:32 > 1:27:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd