Tamara Drewe

0:00:18 > 0:00:25This programme contains very strong language

0:00:30 > 0:00:33BIRDS TWITTER

0:00:39 > 0:00:42MOOING

0:01:04 > 0:01:05MOOING

0:01:16 > 0:01:19'And love slipped the bonds of restraint.

0:01:19 > 0:01:21'His touch

0:01:21 > 0:01:24'was like a cosmic, "Yes".'

0:01:24 > 0:01:27'"Fuck you," screamed Kelly.

0:01:27 > 0:01:29'"Fuck you to hell."

0:01:29 > 0:01:32'Scott stepped back from the cell door as the gob of spit flew.

0:01:32 > 0:01:35'"Fuck you."'

0:01:35 > 0:01:40'This matrix is what Hardy meant by "the ache of modernism".'

0:01:41 > 0:01:42Crap.

0:01:42 > 0:01:46'Inchcombe knew too well the dreadful mundanity of murder.

0:01:46 > 0:01:48'But Patel was stricken.

0:01:48 > 0:01:50'Inchcombe realised

0:01:50 > 0:01:53'his lack of feeling was almost...'

0:01:54 > 0:01:56Pathological.

0:01:57 > 0:02:00"I've been wearing the wrong size all my life," says Katie.

0:02:00 > 0:02:05"I was always popping out. Turns out I'm a 30 GG," she says.

0:02:05 > 0:02:08"Now my bras finally fit."

0:02:08 > 0:02:09SHE LAUGHS

0:02:09 > 0:02:12"Though Simon prefers me without one."

0:02:15 > 0:02:17SHE SIGHS

0:02:17 > 0:02:19We could go round mine, if you like.

0:02:19 > 0:02:23And watch your dad farting into a sofa?

0:02:30 > 0:02:32A taxi?

0:02:32 > 0:02:35In Ewedown?

0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Come on.- Where are we going?

0:02:37 > 0:02:38Nowhere.

0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Glen, can I tempt you? - Oh, wow, thank you.

0:02:48 > 0:02:51I often take something snacky to Nicholas this time of day.

0:02:51 > 0:02:54- I know how the brain needs feeding. - Mm.

0:02:54 > 0:02:57So, how you settling in?

0:02:57 > 0:02:59Great.

0:02:59 > 0:03:02The last writers' retreat I was at, I kind of froze my balls off.

0:03:02 > 0:03:05Screeching fire doors and curried lasagne,

0:03:05 > 0:03:09and a needy poet, from whom I still bear the scars.

0:03:09 > 0:03:12Well, we try to keep it peaceful here.

0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Far from the madding crowd. - May I?- Oh.

0:03:15 > 0:03:17Well, it's paradise.

0:03:19 > 0:03:22In Ewedown? What the f... are you doing there?

0:03:22 > 0:03:24I haven't told her yet.

0:03:24 > 0:03:28Why not? You keep saying you want to be with me.

0:03:28 > 0:03:32Well, I can't tell her just like that. It's 25 years.

0:03:32 > 0:03:34- 'A marriage.'- Ah, come on, Nicholas.

0:03:34 > 0:03:37Or I'm going to get in a taxi and find your farm...

0:03:37 > 0:03:40- No.- ..come up there and I'll drag you out.- No.

0:03:40 > 0:03:45- 'Don't.'- I want to be with you. I thought you'd be pleased.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47Well, of course I'm pleased.

0:03:47 > 0:03:51Nadia, go to the pub and stay there. I'll come when I can.

0:03:51 > 0:03:54Are you going to tell her?

0:03:54 > 0:03:56Just give me a couple of hours.

0:03:56 > 0:03:58Cock pie.

0:03:58 > 0:04:01- How's the worker?- Good, actually.

0:04:01 > 0:04:03Just about to embark on forensics.

0:04:03 > 0:04:06Well, give me your pages and I'll get started.

0:04:06 > 0:04:08Reckon I might pack it in a bit early today.

0:04:08 > 0:04:13Need to think about my blood smears. Might take a drive, have a pint.

0:04:13 > 0:04:15Stir the old grey matter up.

0:04:15 > 0:04:18Who were you talking to just then?

0:04:18 > 0:04:23Judy. She said the Impala contract should be through in a day or two.

0:04:23 > 0:04:25I could come with you.

0:04:25 > 0:04:27- What?- For a drive.

0:04:27 > 0:04:31- I don't know when we last went out. - Mm. This is absolutely yummy.

0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Or we could go into Hadditon, get a meal?- Yes.

0:04:35 > 0:04:37But what about the guests?

0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Mary's got Casey to help. - I'm supposed to be thinking,

0:04:39 > 0:04:43- you know, about... - You can run it by me.

0:04:43 > 0:04:45I'm good at forensics.

0:04:45 > 0:04:46GROANS SOFTLY

0:04:51 > 0:04:53MOOING

0:04:53 > 0:04:55MOANS SOFTLY

0:04:55 > 0:04:57Andy, can I tempt you?

0:04:57 > 0:05:02Oh, we've got a new academic. Glen, American.

0:05:02 > 0:05:03He's working on Thomas Hardy.

0:05:03 > 0:05:06Said he might have some farming questions.

0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Needs an expert yokel, does he? - Would you mind?

0:05:08 > 0:05:11Oh, and the writers are eating al fresco tonight.

0:05:11 > 0:05:14Could you check there's no bird shit on the seats? Sorry.

0:05:14 > 0:05:16You OK?

0:05:16 > 0:05:20Yes. Nicholas and I are going out to dinner.

0:05:22 > 0:05:25MUSIC: "The Fear" by Lily Allen

0:05:30 > 0:05:32Now!

0:05:33 > 0:05:35- TYRES SCREECH - Fucking bingo!

0:05:42 > 0:05:44SHE SIGHS

0:05:47 > 0:05:49What a dump.

0:06:21 > 0:06:24Yeah. We could walk up the garage.

0:06:24 > 0:06:28Oh. I'm supposed to be helping my mum up at Stonefield.

0:06:28 > 0:06:30- They keep you busy.- Yeah.

0:06:30 > 0:06:33You never stop, you.

0:06:33 > 0:06:35Bet them writers are wankers.

0:06:35 > 0:06:37It was called from Hearth To Heath,

0:06:37 > 0:06:40The Doomsday And Revelation In Victorian Verse.

0:06:40 > 0:06:41What was it about?

0:06:41 > 0:06:45You know, pale poets on laudanum and dark towers and sunless seas.

0:06:45 > 0:06:48- A little Sturm und Drang in a teacup.- Did it sell?

0:06:48 > 0:06:50Of course, my kind of books aren't about sales,

0:06:50 > 0:06:53that's not why I write, so...no.

0:06:55 > 0:06:59- So, what are you working on next? - Thomas Hardy.

0:06:59 > 0:07:02Is there anything left to say about that maudlin bore?

0:07:02 > 0:07:03Excuse me,

0:07:03 > 0:07:06but there's nothing dull about Hardy - that is a misconception.

0:07:06 > 0:07:10At least you've been published. I'm seething with envy.

0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I'd love to be published. - I publish myself on the internet.

0:07:13 > 0:07:15Oh, do you earn money doing that?

0:07:15 > 0:07:16No.

0:07:16 > 0:07:18- What do you write?- Lesbian crime.

0:07:19 > 0:07:22I'm here picking up tips from the master.

0:07:23 > 0:07:25MOBILE BEEPS AND VIBRATES

0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Beth?- Yeah?

0:07:31 > 0:07:34- Why don't I just pop out on my own? - Well, I'm ready now. Come on.

0:07:34 > 0:07:36Is that...

0:07:36 > 0:07:39I mean, are you wearing that?

0:07:39 > 0:07:41Oh.

0:07:41 > 0:07:43It just looks a bit...

0:07:43 > 0:07:45hot.

0:07:45 > 0:07:49You know, Hadditon's always packed with pissed Londonites on a Friday.

0:07:49 > 0:07:52I doubt we'd get a table. Let's do it properly next week.

0:07:52 > 0:07:53Make an occasion.

0:07:53 > 0:07:58I'm always taking you for granted. I'm vile, I know.

0:07:58 > 0:08:00You should kick me, really.

0:08:01 > 0:08:02Who is she?

0:08:02 > 0:08:04What?

0:08:06 > 0:08:07Oh, come on, Beth.

0:08:07 > 0:08:09Tell me who.

0:08:12 > 0:08:15Look, it's nothing.

0:08:15 > 0:08:17It's been once or twice, that's all. It's just...

0:08:17 > 0:08:20Beth, it's not anything.

0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Who is she?!- So, she's on her way in, the bride and groom...

0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Just a researcher on Radio 4. - What's her name?

0:08:26 > 0:08:27- Nadia. Nadia Patel.- Patel?

0:08:27 > 0:08:29She's in your book.

0:08:29 > 0:08:31No. I met her when I was on Desert Island Discs.

0:08:31 > 0:08:34- You put her in your book. - Just the name.- That was a year ago.

0:08:34 > 0:08:35- Yes...- So, "once or twice"?

0:08:35 > 0:08:37I was going to tell you. SHE LAUGHS WILDLY

0:08:37 > 0:08:41- In the book, from your woman... - Shh!- Beth...

0:08:41 > 0:08:44- I've had enough of this. - Beth, I'm a ruin, I know,

0:08:44 > 0:08:47but I've been in a real state about this.

0:08:47 > 0:08:49- I didn't want to hurt you.- Ohhhh!

0:08:49 > 0:08:52How could you lie to my face?

0:08:52 > 0:08:54Can we talk calmly? There are people out there.

0:08:54 > 0:08:56- You looked me in the face and lied! - For God's sake,

0:08:56 > 0:08:58we're surrounded by novelists.

0:08:58 > 0:09:00- You bastard.- Beth...

0:09:00 > 0:09:02we're like a pair of compasses...

0:09:02 > 0:09:04- don't you dare. - ..joined solidly at the top,

0:09:04 > 0:09:07but with the ends able to roam in freedom.

0:09:07 > 0:09:09PHONE BEEPS AND VIBRATES

0:09:09 > 0:09:12That's her, isn't it? Are you keeping her waiting?!

0:09:12 > 0:09:14We've talked about the creative mind,

0:09:14 > 0:09:17and we agreed it needs a certain freedom to explore.

0:09:17 > 0:09:20I can't live like this any more! It makes me feel worthless!

0:09:20 > 0:09:24- Calm yourself down. - Go set up home with Patel!

0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Will you please... - Do you love her? Is she young?

0:09:27 > 0:09:29- For heaven's sake.- Is she?! - HE SHOUTS: Yes!

0:09:34 > 0:09:38If you leave here tonight to be with her, don't come back.

0:09:38 > 0:09:40Beth, you're making fools of us both.

0:09:42 > 0:09:44Liar!

0:09:49 > 0:09:50DOOR SLAMS

0:09:52 > 0:09:56I didn't know they provided material too.

0:10:07 > 0:10:10Beth does everything for him, you know.

0:10:10 > 0:10:12Types his manuscript, deals with his agent,

0:10:12 > 0:10:14makes his female characters convincing.

0:10:14 > 0:10:16She even came up with the name Dr Inchcombe.

0:10:16 > 0:10:19No wonder he's bored.

0:10:19 > 0:10:22I hope she takes him to the fucking cleaners.

0:10:30 > 0:10:32ENGINE STARTS

0:10:32 > 0:10:35At the end of the day, this is why I'm glad I'm single.

0:10:41 > 0:10:43SHE SNATCHES HER BREATH

0:10:48 > 0:10:51Will she take him back? That's the question.

0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Would you?- Well, I'd be torn.

0:10:53 > 0:10:56- He's far too up himself. - Yeah, but what about their farm?

0:10:56 > 0:10:59Splitting up all this? Must be worth a fortune.

0:10:59 > 0:11:02'Nadia Patel.

0:11:02 > 0:11:06'"Gazelle eyes. Tantric sex."'

0:11:06 > 0:11:09She's very rash, making him choose.

0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Why would he choose me? - SHE SOBS

0:11:14 > 0:11:19- I thought you weren't going to come. - I was busy. Rowing with my wife.

0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Where are we going?- Home.

0:11:21 > 0:11:24- To your farm? - HE LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY

0:11:27 > 0:11:30- We could have gone on just as we were.- Yes.

0:11:30 > 0:11:33- But you said you wanted to be with me.- Yes.

0:11:33 > 0:11:35In London.

0:11:35 > 0:11:37Now and then.

0:11:48 > 0:11:51Big glass of Rioja, please. And I need a room.

0:11:51 > 0:11:53Sure. How many nights?

0:11:53 > 0:11:55Don't know. Just one?

0:11:55 > 0:11:57Are you here for the writers' retreat?

0:11:57 > 0:11:58No.

0:11:58 > 0:12:01But I'm a writer. Well, journalist.

0:12:01 > 0:12:04I don't mean to pry. I'm just really nosy.

0:12:04 > 0:12:07I'm from here. Sort of.

0:12:07 > 0:12:08Well, it's a nice place.

0:12:08 > 0:12:14I love it. I keep meaning to leave, but hard to get away.

0:12:14 > 0:12:16My mum's house is just up the road.

0:12:16 > 0:12:19- You're not staying with her? - She's... She died.

0:12:19 > 0:12:21Have that on me.

0:12:21 > 0:12:25And...here's your key.

0:12:25 > 0:12:28Up the stairs, right in front. You can't miss it.

0:12:28 > 0:12:29Thanks.

0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Didn't think I'd see you tonight. - Bit of an atmosphere at Stonefield.

0:12:37 > 0:12:40Tell me everything.

0:12:40 > 0:12:43Marriage. Remind me never to try it.

0:12:43 > 0:12:45Andy...

0:12:45 > 0:12:48you're just a sex object. No-one would have you.

0:13:07 > 0:13:09SHE SIGHS

0:13:09 > 0:13:11COCK CROWS

0:13:11 > 0:13:14So, the Hardiments have lived here for centuries, huh?

0:13:14 > 0:13:19No. About 20 years. Still strangers by local standards.

0:13:19 > 0:13:21DOOR SHUTS

0:13:29 > 0:13:33Andy, come look at Ingrid. I... think she's coming into heat.

0:13:38 > 0:13:40She's very nice, Beth.

0:13:40 > 0:13:43Yeah. I owe her a lot.

0:13:43 > 0:13:46Husband's kind of a sleazebag, huh?

0:13:46 > 0:13:50We'd say prick here, actually. Or wanker.

0:13:50 > 0:13:53That's good. We might even call him a fuck.

0:13:55 > 0:13:57That's good too.

0:13:57 > 0:14:01COCK CROWS, CHICKEN CLUCK

0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Can I help? - It's going rotten underneath.

0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Can I have a look at Ingrid? - it's...it's falling apart.

0:14:09 > 0:14:11Come on, I can do that. Beth...

0:14:13 > 0:14:14He won't last five minutes.

0:14:28 > 0:14:33'Oh, Jesus. He's been translated into Icelandic and Swahili.

0:14:36 > 0:14:39'What an output.

0:14:39 > 0:14:42'I need my book to be a success.

0:14:42 > 0:14:45'I need a tiny reward for all my endeavours.

0:14:49 > 0:14:51'I need a dump.'

0:14:59 > 0:15:01OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS

0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Beth.- No, don't touch me. Don't you dare.

0:15:11 > 0:15:13- I'm sorry. - Not good enough, not any more.

0:15:13 > 0:15:15- I'm sorry.- You do what you like and then you're sorry?

0:15:15 > 0:15:17I hate myself.

0:15:17 > 0:15:20- I hate myself.- Where were you?

0:15:20 > 0:15:23I drove her back to London. Took all night.

0:15:23 > 0:15:27- You drove her home? - I finished it. She was in a state.

0:15:29 > 0:15:31- So, it's over?- I'm sorry.

0:15:34 > 0:15:36I don't know why I'm like this. SHE WEEPS

0:15:36 > 0:15:39I couldn't manage without you.

0:15:39 > 0:15:41THEY BOTH WEEP

0:16:03 > 0:16:07- I've got to go to the bottle bank. - OK.

0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Let's talk later.- Yeah.

0:16:10 > 0:16:13- The goat's come into heat.- Has it?

0:16:15 > 0:16:17I love you so much.

0:16:19 > 0:16:20Me too.

0:16:43 > 0:16:46I've just seen the Hardiments kiss and make up.

0:16:46 > 0:16:49- The hat's on. - Looks like she's taking him back.

0:16:49 > 0:16:53When the hat's on, it means don't speak.

0:16:53 > 0:16:56So, peace is restored.

0:16:58 > 0:17:01- ALARM BLARES - Oh, for fuck's sake!

0:17:01 > 0:17:06I don't like cows. They exude bovine malice.

0:17:06 > 0:17:09These girls are killing machines.

0:17:09 > 0:17:12- They don't like Americans either. - Very funny.

0:17:13 > 0:17:16- ALARM CONTINUES - It's Winnards Farm.

0:17:16 > 0:17:18Lady there died a while back. Place is empty.

0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Think it's being robbed?- Nah.

0:17:21 > 0:17:23Probably just kids.

0:17:23 > 0:17:26Nothing to do around here except make trouble.

0:17:27 > 0:17:30What if it's bad guys?

0:17:30 > 0:17:33Don't you have a blunderbuss or a fowling piece or something?

0:17:33 > 0:17:35HE LAUGHS

0:17:35 > 0:17:37Used to belong to my dad, this place.

0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Really?- But it all went tits up.

0:17:40 > 0:17:44The land was flogged to a consortium and the house sold to Londoners.

0:17:44 > 0:17:47- The Drewes. - So, this is your ancestral pile?

0:17:47 > 0:17:49Was.

0:17:49 > 0:17:52Born in that room up there.

0:17:52 > 0:17:54You must have been pretty resentful.

0:17:56 > 0:17:59Oi! This farm's mine, big nose.

0:18:04 > 0:18:06POUNDING AND GRUNTING

0:18:07 > 0:18:11Hey, what are you doing? Who are you?

0:18:11 > 0:18:14Andy, you moron. It's me.

0:18:14 > 0:18:16Tam?

0:18:16 > 0:18:19I didn't even recognise you.

0:18:19 > 0:18:20Well, you won't do it that way.

0:18:20 > 0:18:23Then help me.

0:18:23 > 0:18:25Used to do some work for your mum.

0:18:25 > 0:18:27Been keeping an eye out since she died.

0:18:27 > 0:18:29What kind of work, graphics?

0:18:29 > 0:18:31- No, I do horticulture now. - You're a gardener?

0:18:31 > 0:18:33- HE SIGHS - Wow.

0:18:33 > 0:18:36This is a great old house.

0:18:36 > 0:18:38Thanks. Do you want to buy it?

0:18:38 > 0:18:40I'm not the property-owning type, no.

0:18:40 > 0:18:42I prefer my life to fit in hand luggage.

0:18:42 > 0:18:43That why you're back?

0:18:43 > 0:18:46- To flog it?- Yep.

0:18:46 > 0:18:48Make a nice second home for some banker wankers.

0:18:48 > 0:18:51Look, Andy, if you want it, why don't you just make me an offer?

0:18:51 > 0:18:55Because, sadly, I'm still prey to the economic forces

0:18:55 > 0:18:58that threw the peasant classes off the land.

0:18:58 > 0:19:00Unlucky.

0:19:00 > 0:19:01Tam.

0:19:03 > 0:19:05What the fuck have you done to your nose?

0:19:05 > 0:19:09Oh, come on, Andy. Aliens came and took it.

0:19:09 > 0:19:12She's completely different.

0:19:12 > 0:19:15What was she like before? What's the story?

0:19:15 > 0:19:17- There isn't one.- Oh, come on.

0:19:17 > 0:19:20It was nothing. Decade ago. Just a teenage thing.

0:19:22 > 0:19:24You should find someone you're in love with.

0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Stupid prick. - You saying you love me, frosty tits?

0:19:27 > 0:19:28- You first. - You're the girl, you say it.

0:19:28 > 0:19:30I love you.

0:19:30 > 0:19:34Fuck off. I love you!

0:19:34 > 0:19:36Romeo and Juliet, huh?

0:19:36 > 0:19:39Something classy in the wood shed, huh?

0:19:40 > 0:19:42THEY GIGGLE

0:19:46 > 0:19:48BELL RINGS

0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Would you do him?- No.

0:19:50 > 0:19:53- What about him?- He's gay, you dobbin.

0:19:53 > 0:19:55- So?- Oh.

0:19:55 > 0:19:56Swipe.

0:19:56 > 0:19:58Ben Sergeant. I'd walk through fire to do him.

0:19:58 > 0:20:02- The drummer? - He's not just the drummer.

0:20:02 > 0:20:06He writes all the lyrics. It's his band. He's the fucking genius.

0:20:06 > 0:20:09Not Steve Culley, or any of these wankers. It's Ben.

0:20:09 > 0:20:12OK, yeah. I...I'd do Ben.

0:20:12 > 0:20:17I want to be her, in that dress, with him licking my teapot lids.

0:20:17 > 0:20:20Yeah, me too.

0:20:20 > 0:20:22So, has the muse shone on you, Greg?

0:20:22 > 0:20:24I've been pretty distracted most recently

0:20:24 > 0:20:28by those delicious cookie things Beth brought around this afternoon.

0:20:28 > 0:20:31Oh, yes. Of course, we call them biscuits here.

0:20:31 > 0:20:33And by the place itself, the people.

0:20:33 > 0:20:35I sometimes wish I could get distracted.

0:20:35 > 0:20:37Ten-page-a-day man, rain or shine.

0:20:37 > 0:20:39Wow. That's scary. Ten pages a day, how do you do that?

0:20:39 > 0:20:41Oh, Greg...

0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Glen.- I wouldn't presume to give an academic tips.

0:20:44 > 0:20:47Matter of fact, I read one of your books, another distraction.

0:20:47 > 0:20:49I thought it was decent stuff.

0:20:49 > 0:20:55Well, how do I do it? I just get on with it, Greg.

0:20:56 > 0:20:59"We call them biscuits here."

0:20:59 > 0:21:01- To the muse. OTHERS:- The muse.

0:21:01 > 0:21:03However you find her.

0:21:03 > 0:21:05Cheers.

0:21:05 > 0:21:07Who's that?

0:21:09 > 0:21:10That's Tamara Drewe.

0:21:10 > 0:21:13- No, it isn't.- I met her with Andy.

0:21:13 > 0:21:16Good God, what's happened to her?

0:21:16 > 0:21:18She had a nose job, Dad.

0:21:18 > 0:21:22- She's completely different. - That's what Andy said.- Poor Tamara.

0:21:22 > 0:21:24She's such a sad girl.

0:21:24 > 0:21:27She used to come help you wash the car, didn't she, Nicholas?

0:21:27 > 0:21:28When she was a teenager.

0:21:28 > 0:21:30She liked a bit of family after her dad left.

0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Tamara Drewe that writes a column in one of the Sundays?- Used to.

0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Writes for The Independent now. - Oh.

0:21:35 > 0:21:40She spent weeks going on about her nose job.

0:21:40 > 0:21:43- Was her old one an awful conk? - Yes.

0:21:43 > 0:21:46She's poured herself into those shorts.

0:21:46 > 0:21:49Hope they don't give her thrush.

0:21:49 > 0:21:51Hello. Sorry to intrude.

0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Hi, Tamara.- Poppy.

0:21:54 > 0:21:57- How are you? - I love your new hooter.

0:21:57 > 0:21:59Thanks. It's not actually new, it's just smaller.

0:21:59 > 0:22:01Tamara.

0:22:01 > 0:22:03So sorry about your mum.

0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Thanks.- Are you staying down for long?- I'll have to.

0:22:06 > 0:22:08- There's so much to be done. - Well, let us know if we can help.

0:22:08 > 0:22:11Could you spare a pair of strong arms?

0:22:11 > 0:22:14- I've got a skip coming tomorrow, and...- Nicholas?

0:22:16 > 0:22:17I'm available.

0:22:17 > 0:22:19- I do skips.- Nicholas?

0:22:19 > 0:22:21- CORK POPS - Oh, bug...

0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh. Erm... Thank you, everyone.

0:22:24 > 0:22:26You're very kind.

0:22:26 > 0:22:28Is Andy around at all?

0:22:28 > 0:22:30Oh, I can't spare Andy.

0:22:30 > 0:22:33He's making a new coop for my Buff Orpingtons.

0:22:33 > 0:22:34SHE LAUGHS

0:22:34 > 0:22:37We'll soon have that dry, don't worry.

0:22:37 > 0:22:39She's had Glen down there helping her all morning.

0:22:39 > 0:22:41I hope she realises he's here to work.

0:22:41 > 0:22:44Can't believe what a difference her nose makes.

0:22:44 > 0:22:46I think it's a mistake. Taken away all her character.

0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Come on, she looks ten times better.- Huh.

0:22:49 > 0:22:52And she knows it. I found those shorts really irritating.

0:22:52 > 0:22:54Going around with half her bum hanging out. I mean, why?

0:22:54 > 0:22:56- To annoy people like you.- Hmm.

0:22:56 > 0:22:58I might get a pair myself.

0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Of course you wouldn't.- Why not?

0:23:00 > 0:23:03Because you're not desperate, are you?

0:23:03 > 0:23:06There was always something desperate about Tamara Drewe.

0:23:07 > 0:23:09Why did you change your face?

0:23:09 > 0:23:12Changing my face is the best thing I ever did.

0:23:12 > 0:23:14I don't care what anybody else thinks.

0:23:14 > 0:23:19- You think it would work for me? - Maybe, if you did the wrinkles too.

0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Oh, you're just coming on to me now. - SHE LAUGHS

0:23:26 > 0:23:28In your column, you write about yourself. Does that come easily?

0:23:28 > 0:23:32Not easily. It just feels right.

0:23:32 > 0:23:34My first novel is definitely going to be autobiographical.

0:23:34 > 0:23:38Your first novel? You're going to dash one off, just like that?

0:23:38 > 0:23:41Ideally, I'd like to make it into fiction before I'm 30.

0:23:41 > 0:23:44Then maybe a swimwear collection, chat show, pasta-sauce range.

0:23:44 > 0:23:46What?

0:23:46 > 0:23:48Life sure comes easy for the beautiful.

0:23:51 > 0:23:53You know, before I had the nose job,

0:23:53 > 0:23:55I had no problem being taken seriously.

0:23:55 > 0:23:57Maybe when they removed that bit of cartilage,

0:23:57 > 0:24:00they pulled out my brain by mistake.

0:24:00 > 0:24:02What do you think?

0:24:04 > 0:24:05Thank you.

0:24:08 > 0:24:10She's single, you know.

0:24:10 > 0:24:12Well, it's not exactly a relationship.

0:24:12 > 0:24:16- We have an occasional thing. Zoe doesn't want to be...- Not Zoe.

0:24:16 > 0:24:18Tamara.

0:24:18 > 0:24:21You should get in there.

0:24:21 > 0:24:23Marry the girl. Then you could live in your ancestral home again.

0:24:23 > 0:24:25Nah. Not her type.

0:24:25 > 0:24:29Andy, you know, the trouble with you is that you think like a loser.

0:24:29 > 0:24:31I know this because I'm the loser

0:24:31 > 0:24:33that all other losers come to for tips.

0:24:33 > 0:24:35I am a loser's loser.

0:24:35 > 0:24:36I'm a pedigree loser.

0:24:36 > 0:24:40Had a graphics business, went bust. Then with my great business acumen,

0:24:40 > 0:24:43I invested in a polytunnel full of ganja.

0:24:43 > 0:24:45Spent six years stoned out of my box.

0:24:45 > 0:24:47I'm only just getting it back together.

0:24:47 > 0:24:52Besides...even if I was the last man in the world,

0:24:52 > 0:24:54Tamara Drewe wouldn't have me.

0:24:54 > 0:24:56Why not?

0:24:56 > 0:24:58I dumped her.

0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Oh, you are a loser.- I was 20.

0:25:00 > 0:25:04And my mates thought I was cradle-snatching.

0:25:04 > 0:25:07- And they used to call her Beaky. - Beaky?

0:25:07 > 0:25:09Beaky?

0:25:13 > 0:25:15HE GROANS

0:25:33 > 0:25:35TAMARA: 'Boys know nothing.'

0:25:35 > 0:25:40I've been reading Inchcombe's Dose. The bit where Dr Inchcombe

0:25:40 > 0:25:43finds himself having thoughts about the dead guy's daughter.

0:25:43 > 0:25:48You describe her light smattering of freckles and her striking profile.

0:25:48 > 0:25:52So, who did you base her on?

0:25:53 > 0:25:55Have you noticed me?

0:25:55 > 0:25:58Because I've noticed you.

0:25:58 > 0:26:01You're making yourself ridiculous.

0:26:04 > 0:26:05Nichol-arse!

0:26:06 > 0:26:09A man can dream, huh?

0:26:14 > 0:26:15No.

0:26:18 > 0:26:19HE SIGHS DEEPLY

0:26:23 > 0:26:25Oh, write, you numbskull.

0:26:31 > 0:26:33How's Thomas Hardy?

0:26:33 > 0:26:35I'm wasting my sabbatical.

0:26:35 > 0:26:37- Oh, dear.- I've been writing this book for ever.

0:26:37 > 0:26:40Don't know why I can't finish it.

0:26:40 > 0:26:43Two years behind on my delivery date,

0:26:43 > 0:26:46and Fantail could ask for their chicken-shit advance back.

0:26:46 > 0:26:49I can't write. I'm fucking constipated.

0:26:50 > 0:26:52It's a disaster.

0:26:52 > 0:26:53Crikey.

0:26:53 > 0:26:55CAR HORN TOOTS

0:26:55 > 0:26:59Oh. Sorry, Glen. I've got to grab Andy before he rushes off.

0:26:59 > 0:27:01Tamara's asked him to do up her house.

0:27:01 > 0:27:04Why? She knows how hard he works for me.

0:27:08 > 0:27:09Is this all his fan mail?

0:27:11 > 0:27:14Yeah. I do a couple of sessions a week to keep on top of it.

0:27:14 > 0:27:16Pretty good at forging Nick's signature.

0:27:19 > 0:27:22Why don't we have a proper chat about it?

0:27:22 > 0:27:25- Always used to help Nicholas... - You'd do that? You have time?

0:27:27 > 0:27:28I'll just, um...

0:27:32 > 0:27:33Tam?

0:27:34 > 0:27:36Tam?

0:27:37 > 0:27:38Tam?

0:27:43 > 0:27:46Got some colour charts for you to see.

0:27:50 > 0:27:53What colour do you think it should be in here?

0:27:55 > 0:27:58Well, I was thinking, um...

0:28:00 > 0:28:01..this one for down here.

0:28:04 > 0:28:06And, um...

0:28:08 > 0:28:11- ..this one for the bedroom.- OK.

0:28:15 > 0:28:19So, what do you have to do to get a cup of tea around here?

0:28:19 > 0:28:22Make it. Tea, sugar, fridge.

0:28:24 > 0:28:26I'm off to work.

0:28:30 > 0:28:33ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

0:28:35 > 0:28:37Oi!

0:28:37 > 0:28:40- This is our village! Our fucking field!- Go on.

0:28:40 > 0:28:42- Get off! - Come on, bastard. Let us in!

0:28:42 > 0:28:44Kiss your mother with that mouth? Fuck off.

0:28:44 > 0:28:46Get on, shove it.

0:28:49 > 0:28:50ROCK MUSIC

0:29:01 > 0:29:04# This is a call for a domestic dispute

0:29:04 > 0:29:08# She's got me in the corner and she's putting the boot

0:29:08 > 0:29:11# This is a call for a domestic dispute

0:29:11 > 0:29:14# She's got me by the collar and she's going to shoot

0:29:14 > 0:29:17# This is a call for a domestic dispute

0:29:17 > 0:29:20# There's gonna be a party in the back of the boot

0:29:20 > 0:29:24# This is a call for a domestic dispute

0:29:24 > 0:29:27# You'd better get a move on cos she's going to shoot

0:29:27 > 0:29:30- # When I'm alone at night - Alone at night

0:29:30 > 0:29:34- # Watching the satellite - Satellite

0:29:34 > 0:29:40# I'm so scared that you will find me... #

0:29:40 > 0:29:42FEEDBACK SQUEALS

0:29:42 > 0:29:45Swipe is fucking finished! Steve Culley is a...

0:29:45 > 0:29:49- FEEDBACK SQUEALS - Fuck off!

0:29:49 > 0:29:53- Fran has been shagging that tosser! - Steve, stop it!- Come on, then.

0:29:53 > 0:29:54SHE GROANS

0:29:54 > 0:29:56- I'm Tamara Drewe.- What?

0:29:56 > 0:29:59I'm supposed to be interviewing you, for The Independent.

0:29:59 > 0:30:01It was scheduled for later, but...

0:30:01 > 0:30:04is now a good time?

0:30:04 > 0:30:08- CROWD CHANTS:- Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! Swipe! Swipe!

0:30:08 > 0:30:10Swipe! Swipe! Swipe!

0:30:12 > 0:30:15- They should let us in for free. - Too right.

0:30:15 > 0:30:18They come here, drink our water, use our fields.

0:30:18 > 0:30:20And they leave all their crap in our drains.

0:30:20 > 0:30:22Nice girlfriend, mate.

0:30:22 > 0:30:25Ben. Ben!

0:30:25 > 0:30:27- What are you doing? - That's Ben from Swipe!

0:30:27 > 0:30:30And he's got his dog. Ben!

0:30:30 > 0:30:33Ben! Ben!

0:30:53 > 0:30:55That's Boss.

0:30:56 > 0:30:57Up.

0:30:57 > 0:30:59Boy. Come on.

0:30:59 > 0:31:01- Hi, Boss.- There.

0:31:01 > 0:31:04- Not allergic, are you? - To indie drummers?

0:31:04 > 0:31:06Maybe.

0:31:06 > 0:31:08Who the fuck's she?

0:31:08 > 0:31:11I've seen her up at Stonefield. She's got a nose made of plastic.

0:31:14 > 0:31:18So, who are your influences?

0:31:18 > 0:31:21Everyone asks that. What do you want me to say?

0:31:21 > 0:31:24Phil Collins? Animal from the Muppets?

0:31:26 > 0:31:28- This your house?- Yeah.

0:31:28 > 0:31:30- Do you want to buy it?- No.

0:31:32 > 0:31:33I want something else.

0:31:36 > 0:31:40How come she gets Ben? I've loved him since March.

0:31:41 > 0:31:44- Would you like a beer?- Yeah.

0:31:46 > 0:31:48- Maureen Tucker.- Who?

0:31:48 > 0:31:51Moe Tucker. The Velvets. Five-foot-nothing.

0:31:51 > 0:31:52Used to stand up to play.

0:31:52 > 0:31:56Put the snare drum on its side and whacked it with mallets. Mentalist.

0:31:56 > 0:31:58You write a lot of songs. That's rare for a drummer.

0:31:58 > 0:32:01Well, everything you've heard about drummers is complete shit.

0:32:01 > 0:32:04- You mean they don't spontaneously combust?- No.

0:32:04 > 0:32:07Only sometimes.

0:32:10 > 0:32:11TAPPING

0:32:21 > 0:32:25DRUM "ORCHESTRA"

0:32:37 > 0:32:39Any more questions?

0:32:40 > 0:32:44ROCK MUSIC PLAYS FROM FESTIVAL

0:32:48 > 0:32:50SHE GIGGLES

0:32:52 > 0:32:55IMITATES GUNSHOTS

0:33:02 > 0:33:04COCK CROWS

0:33:22 > 0:33:24- MOOING - Jesus. Oh, my God!

0:33:34 > 0:33:36Hello.

0:33:36 > 0:33:38Who are you?

0:33:48 > 0:33:51You know anything about this dog, Tam?

0:34:00 > 0:34:02You want some breakfast, Tam?

0:34:04 > 0:34:06Tam?

0:34:08 > 0:34:10MOANING

0:34:13 > 0:34:15SCREAMING

0:34:31 > 0:34:34- How goes the opus? - Fine, Nicholas, just fine.

0:34:36 > 0:34:40- It's his most obscure novel, The Well-Beloved.- Mm.

0:34:40 > 0:34:42Most people have never even heard of it.

0:34:42 > 0:34:44It's about a young guy of 20

0:34:44 > 0:34:47who falls in love with a beautiful young woman.

0:34:47 > 0:34:49Then when he's 40, he meets the woman's daughter

0:34:49 > 0:34:52and he falls in love with her. And finally, when he's 60,

0:34:52 > 0:34:55- he meets her granddaughter. - Oh, he doesn't.

0:34:55 > 0:34:58- Yeah. Falls in mystical love. - SHE GIGGLES

0:34:58 > 0:35:01Hardy was the same in his life too.

0:35:01 > 0:35:05Even as he aged, he only had eyes for young women.

0:35:05 > 0:35:07It's like, in one essential way, he never grew up.

0:35:07 > 0:35:09- In his trousers.- Yeah.

0:35:09 > 0:35:11He was still at it in his 80s, you know.

0:35:11 > 0:35:15Snow on the rooftop, fire in the cellar.

0:35:15 > 0:35:16Why won't it come for you, Glen?

0:35:16 > 0:35:19The way you talk about it is so engaging.

0:35:19 > 0:35:24- Do you want to try?- Well, there's an academic style, you know?

0:35:24 > 0:35:27Who are you writing for? Who's your ideal reader?

0:35:27 > 0:35:30Cos if you wrote the way you spoke, you'd make me want to read Hardy.

0:35:30 > 0:35:32- Really?- Yeah.

0:35:32 > 0:35:35If you wrote like you were talking to a friend. Try it again.

0:35:35 > 0:35:37ENGINE TURNS OVER

0:35:40 > 0:35:42Oh.

0:35:44 > 0:35:46- Oh! - SHE GIGGLES

0:35:54 > 0:35:56No, no, no. It's not as if I'm avant-garde.

0:35:56 > 0:36:00- I simply pander to popular taste. - Your books are far more than that.

0:36:00 > 0:36:03Just airport fodder. I think I write them in my sleep sometimes.

0:36:03 > 0:36:05I wish I wrote so well awake.

0:36:05 > 0:36:09Your prose is so economical, so vivid, like the greats.

0:36:09 > 0:36:10- Like Raymond Chandler.- Oh, come on.

0:36:10 > 0:36:13- Graham Greene. - I'm just earning a crust.

0:36:13 > 0:36:16You created Inchcombe. If only he were real.

0:36:16 > 0:36:18- He's my kind of man.- Yes.

0:36:18 > 0:36:21Sophisticated, jaded, but so vulnerable.

0:36:21 > 0:36:24Cynical, but a man of total integrity.

0:36:24 > 0:36:27But my books don't say anything remotely profound.

0:36:27 > 0:36:29I can't pretend to be an intellectual,

0:36:29 > 0:36:32not like the professor here,

0:36:32 > 0:36:36illuminating our ignorance with his critical glow.

0:36:36 > 0:36:40I love prose. I turn a decent plot. That's pretty much it.

0:36:40 > 0:36:42- Excuse me. - People like crime fiction,

0:36:42 > 0:36:45because no matter how violent or shocking, it comforts them.

0:36:45 > 0:36:47Secretly, Nicholas hates all this.

0:36:47 > 0:36:50These crime weekends really take it out of him.

0:36:51 > 0:36:53Let me help.

0:36:53 > 0:36:56Oh, well, they need dusting with this.

0:36:56 > 0:36:58I went to my room today

0:36:58 > 0:37:02and I wrote for three hours. The time, it just vanished.

0:37:02 > 0:37:04That's great. That's brilliant.

0:37:04 > 0:37:07I feel like a man who's just passed a gargantuan stool.

0:37:07 > 0:37:10Oh, super.

0:37:10 > 0:37:12Oh...

0:37:12 > 0:37:13Sprig of mint on top.

0:37:13 > 0:37:17..Of course, my life isn't like that, so I just make stuff up.

0:37:17 > 0:37:21The real secret of being a writer is learning how to lie,

0:37:21 > 0:37:25because that's what storytellers are, thieves and liars.

0:37:25 > 0:37:29"The basis of all excellence is truth." Samuel Johnson.

0:37:34 > 0:37:37GUITAR PLAYS

0:37:37 > 0:37:39# I met a girl on a farm

0:37:39 > 0:37:42- # Her name was Tamara... # - Ben, I'm trying to write.

0:37:42 > 0:37:46# I wanted to write her a song but one thing caused me alarm... #

0:37:46 > 0:37:48Please, Ben, it's a new story.

0:37:48 > 0:37:49# Her name didn't rhyme with anything

0:37:49 > 0:37:52# Not a single thing that I wanted to sing... #

0:37:52 > 0:37:54- It's about my mum and dad. - # All she wants to do is type

0:37:54 > 0:37:57# It's making me want a little bite

0:37:57 > 0:38:00# So cook me pasta carbonara

0:38:00 > 0:38:02# Cos I'm ravenous, Tamara

0:38:02 > 0:38:04# Then shag me wearing your tiara. #

0:38:04 > 0:38:06SHE GIGGLES

0:38:13 > 0:38:15DOG SNIFFS AND BARKS

0:38:23 > 0:38:25Oi!

0:38:25 > 0:38:27- HE WHISTLES - Andy.

0:38:27 > 0:38:30Let me dog in, will ya?

0:38:30 > 0:38:32Cheers, mate.

0:38:42 > 0:38:46- He must like kissing plastic. - He doesn't really love her.

0:38:46 > 0:38:48He's just on the rebound from losing Fran.

0:38:48 > 0:38:51Numbing his pain with loads of empty rampant sex.

0:38:51 > 0:38:53What he really needs...

0:38:53 > 0:38:56- Is a 15-year-old from Ewedown? - So? Stranger things happen.

0:38:56 > 0:38:58He's only ten years older, and that's nothing.

0:38:58 > 0:39:01- If he met me, if he just met me. - It'd be love, right?

0:39:01 > 0:39:04Yeah. But I'd settle for sex.

0:39:04 > 0:39:07Coo-er, in your parents' bedroom?

0:39:07 > 0:39:10I suppose being an exhibitionist is part of his job,

0:39:10 > 0:39:11strutting about on stage.

0:39:11 > 0:39:14He doesn't strut. He's a drummer.

0:39:14 > 0:39:16He sits on his ass.

0:39:16 > 0:39:19He's very good-looking, isn't he? Poppy YouTubed him.

0:39:19 > 0:39:20We both got quite hot and bothered.

0:39:20 > 0:39:23- Is that his car? The yellow Porsche.- Yep.

0:39:23 > 0:39:26Yeah, a bit brash, vrooming through the village.

0:39:26 > 0:39:30Fancy our Tamara bagging a bona fide rock star.

0:39:30 > 0:39:35She was such an ugly duckling. She must be thrilled to bits.

0:39:35 > 0:39:38COCK CROWS

0:39:42 > 0:39:44TYRES SCREECH

0:39:55 > 0:39:58We're not open for another hour.

0:39:58 > 0:39:59Good.

0:40:00 > 0:40:02HEAVY BREATHING

0:40:09 > 0:40:13I mean, she used to be so funny. So human.

0:40:13 > 0:40:15What does she see in that London knob?

0:40:15 > 0:40:19He even wears fucking make-up. How did she get so shallow?

0:40:19 > 0:40:25Andy, are you really going on about her now?

0:40:25 > 0:40:27- Oh.- Where are your manners?

0:40:27 > 0:40:29I'm sorry.

0:40:29 > 0:40:32Bide your time, you big prick.

0:40:35 > 0:40:37MOANING AND GROANING

0:40:37 > 0:40:40Oh! Oh! Ben!

0:40:40 > 0:40:42TAMARA MOANS

0:40:42 > 0:40:44MOOING

0:40:44 > 0:40:47DOG WHINES AND GROWLS

0:40:47 > 0:40:49DOG BARKS

0:40:49 > 0:40:53Come here, you wretched beast!

0:40:53 > 0:40:55Stinking animal!

0:40:55 > 0:40:58Filthy hound!

0:41:03 > 0:41:05Fuck soup.

0:41:07 > 0:41:09- Here.- What's this?

0:41:09 > 0:41:11What does it look like?

0:41:13 > 0:41:15Ben.

0:41:15 > 0:41:17Which finger?

0:41:18 > 0:41:20Wherever you want.

0:41:24 > 0:41:26That one's nice.

0:41:26 > 0:41:28Stick it on that one.

0:41:28 > 0:41:29MOOING

0:41:29 > 0:41:33- Those girls could have aborted. - Calm down, Penny. I'll sort him out.

0:41:33 > 0:41:36It beats me why you people want to live in the country.

0:41:36 > 0:41:39- You've no sense of responsibility. - It's not our dog.

0:41:39 > 0:41:41Hello, Penny.

0:41:41 > 0:41:44- How's tricks?- Oh, Nicholas. - You're looking good.

0:41:44 > 0:41:48- Terrific coat.- Oh, what, this old thing?- You look like royalty.

0:41:48 > 0:41:52Well, I try. Can't wait for your next book.

0:41:52 > 0:41:55Inchcombe's such a saucepot. Giles always says,

0:41:55 > 0:41:56"What are you reading, Penny?

0:41:56 > 0:41:58"You've got steam coming out of your ears."

0:41:58 > 0:41:59RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

0:42:04 > 0:42:06What's the ring saying, Ben?

0:42:09 > 0:42:13"Hello, I'm a ring. Will you marry me?"

0:42:17 > 0:42:19What?

0:42:19 > 0:42:21I didn't know.

0:42:21 > 0:42:23Didn't know what?

0:42:23 > 0:42:25That you're in love with me.

0:42:27 > 0:42:31The ring is saying, "I'm platinum with a long guarantee.

0:42:31 > 0:42:34- "Will you marry me?" - SHE GIGGLES

0:42:34 > 0:42:35Yes.

0:42:41 > 0:42:43PHONE RINGS

0:42:43 > 0:42:45- What?- 'Oh, is Tamara there?'

0:42:45 > 0:42:48- She is being proposed to. - SHE GIGGLES

0:42:48 > 0:42:51POUNDING BEAT FROM CAR STEREO

0:42:51 > 0:42:53CAR HORN BLARES

0:42:59 > 0:43:03Shh. There are writers here trying to write.

0:43:03 > 0:43:06HE GROANS

0:43:08 > 0:43:09Hello.

0:43:09 > 0:43:14Oh, this is, uh, a Buff Orpington. He's a bit peaky today.

0:43:14 > 0:43:17They're not great layers, but they're very decorative.

0:43:17 > 0:43:20We're fully organic here.

0:43:20 > 0:43:25Though I like to think our champion product is the written word.

0:43:25 > 0:43:28The famous Ben. COCK CROWS

0:43:28 > 0:43:30Swipe, eh?

0:43:30 > 0:43:34No, Swipe's over. I thought the whole world knew that.

0:43:34 > 0:43:36It wasn't on Newsnight, no.

0:43:36 > 0:43:37Ben's engaged to Tamara.

0:43:37 > 0:43:40Isn't that lovely? He'd just popped the question when I rang.

0:43:40 > 0:43:42And she said yes?

0:43:43 > 0:43:47- We're delighted for you both. - DOG BARKS

0:43:47 > 0:43:49Why is he on a fucking chain?

0:43:49 > 0:43:51He was out of control.

0:43:51 > 0:43:53How would you like to be chained up?

0:43:53 > 0:43:56He was chasing livestock. He could have got shot.

0:43:58 > 0:44:02They shoot him, I'll fucking shoot them.

0:44:02 > 0:44:04Unbelievable.

0:44:04 > 0:44:06Here, pooch.

0:44:06 > 0:44:09I think the word is gobshite.

0:44:09 > 0:44:11I hope he makes her happy.

0:44:11 > 0:44:13It's hard for girls when their dads walk out.

0:44:13 > 0:44:16Gives them bad taste in men.

0:44:16 > 0:44:18What's that supposed to mean?

0:44:18 > 0:44:21Oh, just saying Tamara's father left when she was a girl and...

0:44:21 > 0:44:23That is ten-pence psychology.

0:44:23 > 0:44:26You don't know what you're talking about.

0:44:28 > 0:44:30Poor little man.

0:44:51 > 0:44:53"My Buff Orpingtons. Oh, the written word."

0:44:53 > 0:44:57- What a fucking freak. - It's a shame the ring doesn't fit.

0:44:57 > 0:45:00Why didn't you bring one of mine along when you bought it?

0:45:00 > 0:45:02I didn't know you then, did I?

0:45:04 > 0:45:06So, when did you buy it?

0:45:08 > 0:45:11Was it for someone else?

0:45:11 > 0:45:13You bought it for Fran, didn't you?

0:45:13 > 0:45:15So?

0:45:15 > 0:45:18It's yours now.

0:45:18 > 0:45:21She never wore it. She didn't want it.

0:45:21 > 0:45:22Did you ask her to marry you?

0:45:22 > 0:45:27Just as a gesture, when she started seeing Steve. That backfired.

0:45:27 > 0:45:30Look, it's you I want to marry now.

0:45:30 > 0:45:32Fuck the ring. It's just a consumerist piece of zinc.

0:45:32 > 0:45:35What matters is that I love you.

0:45:35 > 0:45:36Do you?

0:45:36 > 0:45:39Yes.

0:45:41 > 0:45:44With my whole heart.

0:45:44 > 0:45:46And all the other stuff.

0:45:48 > 0:45:51Like me brain, me entrails.

0:45:53 > 0:45:55Me pancreas.

0:45:55 > 0:45:57It all wants to marry you.

0:46:00 > 0:46:02Hmm?

0:46:02 > 0:46:05She wondered if you had a delivery date in mind. I said Easter-ish.

0:46:05 > 0:46:07Oh, mind that cocoa, it's hot.

0:46:07 > 0:46:11There's a few invites. You just tick the ones you want to go to.

0:46:11 > 0:46:14Oh, and Tim wants to know

0:46:14 > 0:46:17if you'll do your Christmas signing in Hadditon.

0:46:17 > 0:46:20I know he's always ungrateful, but I think it's so important

0:46:20 > 0:46:22to keep these little bookshops open, don't you?

0:46:22 > 0:46:24Mm-hmm.

0:46:24 > 0:46:26OWL HOOTS

0:46:29 > 0:46:31Come in soon, my love.

0:46:58 > 0:47:01Look at that cellulite.

0:47:01 > 0:47:04She been sitting on a bead car seat or what?

0:47:04 > 0:47:07"Her latest tattoo count was nine,

0:47:07 > 0:47:12"including a Sumatran tiger and 'eternity' written in Sanskrit."

0:47:12 > 0:47:15She'll be getting a bar code done next, right across there.

0:47:15 > 0:47:18And Judy Garland's face right on there.

0:47:21 > 0:47:23Nice baby, though.

0:47:23 > 0:47:25I'd like one that colour.

0:47:28 > 0:47:30Oi! Shut the fuck up!

0:47:30 > 0:47:33That Ryan's a dick.

0:47:33 > 0:47:36- I think he's cute. - No, you don't. Would you snog him?

0:47:36 > 0:47:37Maybe.

0:47:38 > 0:47:41Be like having a slug in your mouth.

0:47:41 > 0:47:42- BRAKES SCREECH - Shit.

0:47:42 > 0:47:44THEY LAUGH

0:47:44 > 0:47:47Shut up, fat arse! It ain't funny.

0:47:47 > 0:47:48- Ben.- Ben?

0:47:48 > 0:47:50Come on, let's do some messing.

0:47:53 > 0:47:56CHATTER

0:47:56 > 0:47:59What about you, Glen? Sorry. Where will you be?

0:47:59 > 0:48:02In London with a collection of spare academics.

0:48:02 > 0:48:05We'll be decking the halls in our own erudite way.

0:48:05 > 0:48:07I'll miss our chats.

0:48:07 > 0:48:10Yeah. I've been in a state of writerly bliss these past weeks.

0:48:10 > 0:48:13- I hope I get to come back. - Oh, me too. We'd love to have you.

0:48:13 > 0:48:17- You know, these are the best mince pies I've ever had.- Aw!

0:48:17 > 0:48:19If it were possible to have an orgasm from food,

0:48:19 > 0:48:22these mince pies would do it.

0:48:22 > 0:48:23Golly.

0:48:32 > 0:48:34She keeps this here for Andy.

0:48:34 > 0:48:37- What if she's got an alarm? - Soon find out.

0:48:37 > 0:48:41- What if they come back? - If you're too chicken, go home.

0:49:13 > 0:49:17- What the fuck are we doing here? - It's kind of research.

0:49:17 > 0:49:19I want to write about them. They're funny.

0:49:19 > 0:49:21Come on, Ben.

0:49:21 > 0:49:252001 was the best year. I just sold my last three cases.

0:49:25 > 0:49:29- It's a perfect wine for the price. - Besides, I want to show you off.

0:49:29 > 0:49:31What am I, arm candy?

0:49:31 > 0:49:34More like arm fungus with that face.

0:49:34 > 0:49:39I got her this gorgeous Rajasthani Ghagra skirt.

0:49:39 > 0:49:43Divine. She'll probably loathe it!

0:49:43 > 0:49:45- But if she does, I'll have it. - Glen.

0:49:45 > 0:49:48- Hi.- Meet Ben. Ben, Glen.

0:49:48 > 0:49:50- Hi, Ben.- Ben's my fiance. - You're getting married?

0:49:50 > 0:49:52- Uh-huh.- OK. Beautiful dress, magazine photo shoot.

0:49:52 > 0:49:55Everything the aspiring novelist needs.

0:49:55 > 0:49:59- I knew you'd be pleased. - Have a mince pie? No.

0:49:59 > 0:50:01Congratulations.

0:50:01 > 0:50:05- Can we get the fuck out of here? - Wait.

0:50:07 > 0:50:10In field of Tares, you made Fred a corporal,

0:50:10 > 0:50:13but there's no such thing in the Royal Artillery.

0:50:13 > 0:50:15They call them bombardiers.

0:50:15 > 0:50:18- Oh, thank you for that.- Very good.

0:50:20 > 0:50:21Sorry.

0:50:21 > 0:50:23- Hello.- Tamara.

0:50:23 > 0:50:26Would you make that out for Ben?

0:50:26 > 0:50:29- To Ben.- My fiance.

0:50:29 > 0:50:31We're getting married in the summer.

0:50:31 > 0:50:34So I hear.

0:50:37 > 0:50:41My heartiest...

0:50:41 > 0:50:44commiserations, Tamara.

0:50:44 > 0:50:46Merry Christmas...

0:50:46 > 0:50:48Nichol-arse.

0:50:51 > 0:50:53Casey, look.

0:50:55 > 0:50:57The sticks.

0:50:58 > 0:51:00No, don't touch.

0:51:04 > 0:51:06Pour Homme.

0:51:06 > 0:51:08SHE GIGGLES

0:51:08 > 0:51:10Smells like men.

0:51:12 > 0:51:14Live the dream, Case.

0:51:14 > 0:51:17Live the dream, Jode. His boots!

0:51:17 > 0:51:20# This is a call for a domestic dispute

0:51:20 > 0:51:23# She's got me in the corner and she's... #

0:51:25 > 0:51:27Ben.

0:51:29 > 0:51:31Oh, my God.

0:51:34 > 0:51:35Look...

0:51:35 > 0:51:37stop going on about it.

0:51:37 > 0:51:40I've invested a lot of time into this house.

0:51:40 > 0:51:43- Why don't you sell it, then? - Because I've started writing.

0:51:43 > 0:51:46You can write anywhere.

0:51:46 > 0:51:48Yes, we've done it!

0:51:49 > 0:51:51THEY GIGGLE

0:51:51 > 0:51:54No, Ben, this is proper. It's not just stuff for the paper.

0:51:54 > 0:51:57It's about my teens, and it's actually working for me here.

0:51:57 > 0:52:00I'm glad it's memory lane for you, but it's doing my fucking head in.

0:52:00 > 0:52:03I want some London. Some noise, some urban.

0:52:03 > 0:52:05I've had enough.

0:52:05 > 0:52:06Are you with me or what?

0:52:06 > 0:52:10- Of course, I'm with you. - It's depressing here. It's boring.

0:52:11 > 0:52:15And every time I look out the window, I see Andy Cobb's arse.

0:52:15 > 0:52:17What's that about?

0:52:17 > 0:52:19GEESE SQUAWK

0:52:22 > 0:52:23Oi!

0:52:23 > 0:52:26Tammy says you got Christmas geese.

0:52:26 > 0:52:28Yep.

0:52:30 > 0:52:32We're leaving, thank fuck.

0:52:33 > 0:52:36- Well, give us one, then.- Right now?

0:52:36 > 0:52:39Yeah.

0:52:39 > 0:52:41That one's spare.

0:52:41 > 0:52:44- Help yourself.- You having a laugh?

0:52:44 > 0:52:46- What?- It's fucking alive.

0:52:46 > 0:52:49I suppose you'd better kill it, then.

0:52:50 > 0:52:51How?

0:52:55 > 0:52:58Gently put its head down there.

0:52:58 > 0:53:01Quick in the back of skull with this. Pluck it while it's warm.

0:53:01 > 0:53:03Little pot to catch all the blood.

0:53:05 > 0:53:06You enjoy that?

0:53:06 > 0:53:08No.

0:53:08 > 0:53:11But in my low-wage economy, this flock's worth a lot.

0:53:14 > 0:53:17You are one sick fuck, Andy.

0:53:18 > 0:53:20- Grow up.- What, mate?

0:53:20 > 0:53:21I said...

0:53:21 > 0:53:23grow up.

0:53:23 > 0:53:25Little drummer boy.

0:53:41 > 0:53:43Tam phoned this morning.

0:53:45 > 0:53:47Told me to finish the house.

0:53:47 > 0:53:51Goes on the market in the spring, and that's it. Over.

0:53:53 > 0:53:56Why does the asshole always get the girl?

0:53:58 > 0:54:00Come on, or you'll miss that train.

0:54:02 > 0:54:04DRUM BEAT

0:54:16 > 0:54:19PHONE RINGS

0:54:20 > 0:54:21Andy.

0:54:21 > 0:54:26So, what about this shed? Am I dismantling it or mending it?

0:54:26 > 0:54:27Hang on.

0:54:32 > 0:54:36I don't know. The shed. What do you think?

0:54:36 > 0:54:39I recommend preserving it.

0:54:39 > 0:54:41Really?

0:54:41 > 0:54:43Always useful, a good shed.

0:54:45 > 0:54:48Well, then, keep it.

0:55:01 > 0:55:03Oh...

0:55:03 > 0:55:06Classy job, Uncle Andy.

0:55:07 > 0:55:11It's, like, transformed.

0:55:11 > 0:55:13Ben won't like this.

0:55:13 > 0:55:15Bit boring.

0:55:15 > 0:55:17Bit old folks.

0:55:17 > 0:55:20I like those curtains. And I like that.

0:55:20 > 0:55:24No, don't like those lamps, or that paper.

0:55:24 > 0:55:27I'd have gold leaf embossed all round there,

0:55:27 > 0:55:29and a wall of flamingo.

0:55:29 > 0:55:32- Ben would like that. - That's a lovely chair.

0:55:34 > 0:55:35What's under here?

0:55:40 > 0:55:42SHE TURNS ON COMPUTER

0:55:45 > 0:55:47I'd have a bead curtain.

0:55:47 > 0:55:53And the bathroom needs to be darker, like deep chocolate or velvet plum.

0:55:53 > 0:55:55And I'd bathe in scented oils.

0:56:00 > 0:56:03And then I'd be ready for Ben.

0:56:04 > 0:56:08It won't just be a shag, Case. It'll be an event.

0:56:08 > 0:56:14I'll be wearing, like, a gossamer shirt and a bra set, Prada.

0:56:14 > 0:56:16And he'll be wearing a black T-shirt.

0:56:18 > 0:56:21And it'll be all taut over his buff bod.

0:56:21 > 0:56:25And underneath, Calvin Klein boxers, black.

0:56:25 > 0:56:30And he'll have a tattoo of my name, and lush pecs.

0:56:30 > 0:56:32And I'll smell of Allure by Chanel.

0:56:35 > 0:56:39And he tries to resist me but I'm a vision.

0:56:39 > 0:56:41And it will be like, ah...

0:56:41 > 0:56:44But also respectful.

0:56:44 > 0:56:46And my V plates will melt into nothing.

0:56:48 > 0:56:50Are you listening?

0:56:50 > 0:56:52- I like this.- What?

0:56:52 > 0:56:56There's this bit where Tamara's dad takes her out for dinner,

0:56:56 > 0:56:59and she thinks it's some big treat, but what he's doing, right,

0:56:59 > 0:57:01is telling her that he's leaving them, and she...

0:57:01 > 0:57:03right, she's gutted.

0:57:03 > 0:57:06She yaks up her food into her napkin and puts it on his plate.

0:57:06 > 0:57:09- So?- It's painful.

0:57:09 > 0:57:14But funny. It's about her, Plastic Fantastic.

0:57:14 > 0:57:18- Jode, she's sad.- Sad?

0:57:18 > 0:57:19She's a lucky cow.

0:57:23 > 0:57:27I've been re-reading Inchcombe Etherised,

0:57:27 > 0:57:29one of Nicholas's early books.

0:57:29 > 0:57:32There's a character, Theo, who's an adulterer.

0:57:32 > 0:57:38And Theo has a list of golden rules called Lulling The Spouse.

0:57:38 > 0:57:43"To allay suspicion," he says, "you must first arouse it."

0:57:43 > 0:57:46Nicholas rang me earlier to say he was going to be late home.

0:57:46 > 0:57:49Yeah, I just bumped into Raoul and Celia.

0:57:49 > 0:57:52I said, "Oh, that's nice."

0:57:52 > 0:57:55And thought, "Have you?"

0:57:55 > 0:57:57And I couldn't shake the suspicion.

0:57:57 > 0:58:01- So after an hour, I phoned Raoul. - PHONE RINGS

0:58:01 > 0:58:04Hello? Yeah, he's right here.

0:58:04 > 0:58:07And he put Nicholas straight on the line.

0:58:07 > 0:58:09Hello.

0:58:09 > 0:58:13He's been telling the truth a lot recently.

0:58:13 > 0:58:16Is he lulling me?

0:58:20 > 0:58:24I might remind him that in Inchcombe Etherised,

0:58:24 > 0:58:27Theo's wife runs him through with a carving knife.

0:58:33 > 0:58:35KNOCKING

0:58:41 > 0:58:43- What are you doing?- Just messing.

0:58:43 > 0:58:45I got three Valentines.

0:58:45 > 0:58:48One from Mum, one from that peanut Ryan,

0:58:48 > 0:58:50and a mystery one from Ben.

0:58:50 > 0:58:52I sent you that.

0:58:52 > 0:58:55Is that theirs?

0:58:55 > 0:58:57It's my mum's. They don't drink this shit.

0:58:57 > 0:58:59Come upstairs and look at what I'm doing.

0:59:01 > 0:59:05I've got into her e-mails. We have to get Ben to come back.

0:59:05 > 0:59:07I'm sending him a Valentine.

0:59:07 > 0:59:09- No, you're not.- From her address.

0:59:09 > 0:59:11Then he'll think it's from Tamara, dipshit.

0:59:11 > 0:59:14But I know it'll be from me.

0:59:14 > 0:59:17Subject - hot love.

0:59:17 > 0:59:20Oh, God. Jody.

0:59:20 > 0:59:24Contacts. Where are you, Ben?

0:59:24 > 0:59:27Look, there's that bloke my mum works for, Nicholas Hardiment.

0:59:27 > 0:59:29Let's put him on. Who else?

0:59:29 > 0:59:32- Uncle Andy.- Andy Cobb.

0:59:32 > 0:59:36Come to Winnards Farm.

0:59:36 > 0:59:38I'll give you

0:59:38 > 0:59:41the biggest shagging of your life.

0:59:41 > 0:59:42Love, Tamara.

0:59:42 > 0:59:44Kiss, kiss, kiss.

0:59:44 > 0:59:47- Don't ever, ever send that. - I just did.

0:59:50 > 0:59:51What the fuck is this?

0:59:52 > 0:59:55"Come to Winnards Farm...

0:59:56 > 1:00:00"..and I'll give you the biggest shagging of your life."

1:00:00 > 1:00:04"I'll give you the biggest shagging of your life."

1:00:05 > 1:00:06DRUM BEAT

1:00:06 > 1:00:09Are you listening to me? Ben, will you stop drumming?!

1:00:09 > 1:00:12I didn't write that e-mail. Why don't you believe me?

1:00:12 > 1:00:15When Fran started fucking Steve Culley,

1:00:15 > 1:00:17at least she had the decency not to tell the whole world.

1:00:17 > 1:00:18What's that supposed to mean?

1:00:20 > 1:00:24She must want a foursome or something.

1:00:24 > 1:00:27You fancy a foursome with Nicholas Hardiment?

1:00:27 > 1:00:30Bugger that. What was she thinking?

1:00:30 > 1:00:33Well, maybe she's trying to make you jealous.

1:00:33 > 1:00:36Or maybe she's trying to make the boyfriend jealous.

1:00:36 > 1:00:39Or maybe she's just trying to give him a really big hint

1:00:39 > 1:00:40that she's not getting enough.

1:00:40 > 1:00:44Or maybe she's just a bit kinky. Or maybe she's crazy.

1:00:44 > 1:00:46Or maybe she was off her face.

1:00:46 > 1:00:48She was pissed.

1:00:48 > 1:00:50'I wasn't pissed or depraved or anything.'

1:00:50 > 1:00:52It's OK. It's OK.

1:00:52 > 1:00:54'Can you go and look at the house? Just make sure no-one's been in.'

1:00:54 > 1:00:56- No problem.- 'Thanks.'

1:00:56 > 1:00:58Ben's really pissed off.

1:00:58 > 1:01:00- He's massively got the hump. - Have I?

1:01:00 > 1:01:03I've just asked Andy to have a look at Winnards.

1:01:03 > 1:01:05I've got to go, I'm sorry.

1:01:05 > 1:01:07- Are you a fucking idiot?- What?

1:01:07 > 1:01:10Are you thick? Isn't it obvious who wrote that e-mail?

1:01:10 > 1:01:12- That tosser Andy Cobb. - Andy wouldn't do that.

1:01:12 > 1:01:15Going through your stuff. Probably got your pants on right now.

1:01:15 > 1:01:18- Don't...- I bet it was him who nicked my black T-shirt.

1:01:18 > 1:01:20- Of course he didn't. - Jump to his defence.

1:01:20 > 1:01:21He hasn't done anything.

1:01:21 > 1:01:23- Boss. Boss! - DOG BARKS

1:01:25 > 1:01:27What are you doing?

1:01:27 > 1:01:29You know Fran's having a baby.

1:01:29 > 1:01:31She wanted to see me. I wasn't going to, but now...

1:01:33 > 1:01:34Why not?

1:01:34 > 1:01:37Come on, Boss, let's go for a crap.

1:01:39 > 1:01:42Come on, Mum, she's just stirring shit. Tamara's always done that.

1:01:42 > 1:01:45- Yes, but why? - You know how subversive she is.

1:01:45 > 1:01:49She once sent me a Valentine from Prince Harry and I believed it.

1:01:49 > 1:01:52It's her sense of humour. She likes causing trouble.

1:01:52 > 1:01:55At school, she used to give us first-years tips on how to shoplift.

1:01:55 > 1:01:58She taught you how to shoplift?

1:01:58 > 1:02:00Mum, she's marrying Ben Sergeant.

1:02:00 > 1:02:03Why would she look at an old git like Dad?

1:02:03 > 1:02:05Hmm. I just don't get the joke.

1:02:05 > 1:02:08And why is your father on the e-mail? And Andy?

1:02:08 > 1:02:11It's so tasteless. Help me out with these, would you?

1:02:11 > 1:02:15- I have to work on my thesis on the Taliban.- Taliban, I know.

1:02:19 > 1:02:22What do you make of that e-mail from Tamara?

1:02:22 > 1:02:24Don't make any sense.

1:02:24 > 1:02:28That London boyfriend's trying to fuck her up. That's my theory.

1:02:28 > 1:02:30She could do so much better.

1:02:30 > 1:02:34I couldn't agree more.

1:02:37 > 1:02:40- It's Ben.- Who's the daddy?

1:02:40 > 1:02:45"Steve Culley and Fran Redmond announced they were expecting.

1:02:45 > 1:02:49"But in a Valentine-tryst shocker,

1:02:49 > 1:02:51"Fran is snapped with ex Ben Sergeant.

1:02:51 > 1:02:54- "Ben and Fran, we say, 'Get a room.'"- He's back with Fran?

1:02:54 > 1:02:56After you sent that e-mail, Jode.

1:02:56 > 1:02:58No way. No way.

1:02:59 > 1:03:01There's Plastic.

1:03:01 > 1:03:05- Oh, my God, what have I done? - What have you done?

1:03:05 > 1:03:07What if Ben's dumped her?

1:03:09 > 1:03:11What if he never comes back?

1:03:35 > 1:03:38I'll never see Ben again and it's all my fault.

1:03:38 > 1:03:41- What's all your fault? - None of your business.

1:03:41 > 1:03:44I'm bloody sick of you looking like a wet weekend.

1:03:44 > 1:03:46- Who's Ben?- No-one. - What have you done?

1:03:46 > 1:03:49- Nothing.- You in trouble? - No, leave me alone.

1:03:49 > 1:03:53You take care with boys, Jody. You know what can happen.

1:03:56 > 1:03:57What can happen?!

1:03:57 > 1:04:01What can ever, ever happen in a place like this?!

1:04:09 > 1:04:13Hello. I thought you were in London with Ben from Swipe.

1:04:13 > 1:04:16- I'm looking for Andy. - Well, he's not up at Stonefield.

1:04:16 > 1:04:19So, where's this shag you've been offering me?

1:04:19 > 1:04:21- Fuck off.- Come on. I saw that e-mail.

1:04:21 > 1:04:24Well, I didn't send it. And I wouldn't shag you

1:04:24 > 1:04:27if you were the last man left after a nuclear winter.

1:04:27 > 1:04:30I'll come round tomorrow, then, about three?

1:04:30 > 1:04:32Drop dead, you smug prick.

1:04:36 > 1:04:38- Watch out. - HORN HONKS

1:05:13 > 1:05:15SHE SOBS

1:05:25 > 1:05:28Yeah, I'll probably stay at the library another hour or two.

1:05:28 > 1:05:30..Yeah.

1:05:33 > 1:05:35Yeah, just checking some law reports.

1:05:36 > 1:05:38You're a marvel.

1:05:40 > 1:05:42OK.

1:05:42 > 1:05:44KNOCK ON DOOR

1:05:58 > 1:05:59Hello.

1:06:02 > 1:06:04So.

1:06:04 > 1:06:06Nicholas.

1:06:15 > 1:06:17You can tell me to leave.

1:06:20 > 1:06:22You can throw me right out.

1:06:27 > 1:06:31Just say the word, and I'll go.

1:06:50 > 1:06:51SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

1:07:00 > 1:07:03Do you smoke after sex?

1:07:03 > 1:07:06- I don't know, I've never looked. - SHE GIGGLES

1:07:07 > 1:07:09I used to watch you out of my window,

1:07:09 > 1:07:13helping your daughter skateboard up the lane.

1:07:13 > 1:07:15Bit of an obvious crush, wasn't it?

1:07:15 > 1:07:20Is that why I'm here? To expurgate the crush?

1:07:20 > 1:07:21I don't know.

1:07:21 > 1:07:23Or as revenge on your ex?

1:07:23 > 1:07:27I don't know, Nicholas. Why ARE you here?

1:07:27 > 1:07:30I should have thought that was obvious.

1:07:30 > 1:07:33SHE LAUGHS

1:07:33 > 1:07:36Since you climbed over that stile in the summer...

1:07:37 > 1:07:39..I haven't thought about very much else.

1:07:46 > 1:07:50- When can we do this again? - What about Beth?

1:07:50 > 1:07:52- Beth and I have this kind of open... - Bullshit.

1:07:52 > 1:07:55- Thursday? - Isn't life complicated enough?

1:07:55 > 1:07:58Don't put me in your column.

1:07:58 > 1:08:00In your dreams.

1:08:07 > 1:08:10- SHE CHUCKLES - 'Structure can be so sterile.'

1:08:10 > 1:08:13I always think of it as a three-dimensional form...

1:08:13 > 1:08:15- Oh.- Oh, here he is.

1:08:15 > 1:08:19Oh, poor you. Was it awful? I was starting to worry.

1:08:19 > 1:08:23Terrible. Didn't move till well past Chiswick, but look.

1:08:23 > 1:08:27- I popped into Fortnum's. - My favourite teas.

1:08:27 > 1:08:29- Ah... - SHE GIGGLES

1:08:29 > 1:08:33My goodness, you feel like my buzzy toothbrush after I've charged it up.

1:08:33 > 1:08:36- You should go to London more often. - Well, maybe I will.

1:08:36 > 1:08:40Sorry, everybody. Traffic was a pig. Do carry on. What have I missed?

1:08:40 > 1:08:43Well, I'm trying this magic realist bit at the end of chapter three.

1:08:43 > 1:08:46- Oh, that sounds very innovative. - Oh, you think so?

1:08:46 > 1:08:50Yes. I think I've always been waiting for the magic realist crime novel.

1:08:50 > 1:08:53Wuthering Heights, it's kind of Angel of the North.

1:08:53 > 1:08:56ANIMATED CHATTER

1:09:04 > 1:09:09So after two years of radio silence, I contact my editor,

1:09:09 > 1:09:14and she loves, I mean, she loves the chapters I did in the fall.

1:09:14 > 1:09:16Oh, Glen!

1:09:16 > 1:09:19I tried writing at the library

1:09:19 > 1:09:22but I could feel that awful paralysis descending again.

1:09:22 > 1:09:26I missed everything that I've been, you know, finding here.

1:09:26 > 1:09:29Oh, my God.

1:09:29 > 1:09:31It's so beautiful.

1:09:31 > 1:09:35- Well, I'm very glad you've come back.- In a few solid weeks...

1:09:35 > 1:09:37Holy cow!

1:09:39 > 1:09:41- Idiots!- Ha-ha!

1:09:41 > 1:09:43Morons!

1:09:43 > 1:09:44Ha-ha!

1:09:46 > 1:09:51Hey, writers, let's egg the self-regarding sacks of shit.

1:09:51 > 1:09:54It's half term, they're just bored.

1:09:56 > 1:09:59There's this theory that Hardy gave his wife syphilis, you know.

1:09:59 > 1:10:02No evidence, but the symptoms fit. Poor woman,

1:10:02 > 1:10:05she starts to get eccentric and then she moves her bed up to their attic.

1:10:05 > 1:10:06Bastard.

1:10:06 > 1:10:10Meanwhile, Hardy falls in love with a woman 39 years younger than him.

1:10:10 > 1:10:14- I don't believe it. - Yeah, he was 65 and she was 26.

1:10:14 > 1:10:16- Geoff.- Glen.

1:10:16 > 1:10:18- Henry James?- Thomas Hardy.

1:10:18 > 1:10:21That's it, a Hardy book. Coming well?

1:10:21 > 1:10:23- Yes, actually. - He gave his wife syphilis.

1:10:23 > 1:10:25Jolly good.

1:10:27 > 1:10:28Oh, he...

1:10:28 > 1:10:31He's completely distracted. He's up and down to London all the time.

1:10:31 > 1:10:35This latest Inchcombe's taking everything he's got.

1:10:35 > 1:10:36It's really preying on him.

1:10:38 > 1:10:42Is it any good? Because I keep changing things and...

1:10:42 > 1:10:43Shh.

1:10:47 > 1:10:51It's brutally candid.

1:10:51 > 1:10:52You lay yourself completely bare.

1:10:52 > 1:10:54SHE SNIGGERS

1:10:57 > 1:11:01It's a bit over-written. It needs a good edit, but...

1:11:03 > 1:11:05..it's very moving.

1:11:06 > 1:11:08Thank you.

1:11:08 > 1:11:10So,

1:11:10 > 1:11:12have I done my duty?

1:11:12 > 1:11:14Admirably.

1:11:14 > 1:11:16Now do I get my treat?

1:11:17 > 1:11:19You are so cheesy.

1:11:21 > 1:11:24BELL RINGS

1:11:26 > 1:11:29Zero Ben sightings in two whole months.

1:11:29 > 1:11:34Last time I saw Plastic, she looked like a minger.

1:11:34 > 1:11:36All red-eyed and gutted.

1:11:36 > 1:11:38Ben's a love rat.

1:11:38 > 1:11:40You've got to face it, she should move on.

1:11:40 > 1:11:42She's probably topped herself.

1:11:42 > 1:11:45- I would, if Ben dumped me. - Jode, don't say that.

1:11:46 > 1:11:48What if she's done something?

1:11:48 > 1:11:50Like got in the bath with her heated tongs?

1:11:50 > 1:11:52Like taken a stack of pills.

1:11:52 > 1:11:56Think she might be lying there, all choked in vomit and drug froth?

1:11:56 > 1:11:57That'd be dire.

1:11:57 > 1:12:00- If we find her, we'll get in the papers.- Oh, my God!

1:12:00 > 1:12:02Rock chick dead at Winnards Farm.

1:12:17 > 1:12:19What's Uncle Andy doing here?

1:12:30 > 1:12:33Arse biscuits.

1:12:42 > 1:12:44No answer.

1:12:44 > 1:12:48She could've been there days. She could be all putrid, like, rancid.

1:12:48 > 1:12:50Oh, no, going to chuck.

1:12:50 > 1:12:54- All bloated and all greeny. - Uncle Andy'll find her by the smell.

1:12:54 > 1:12:56Ugh. Shh.

1:12:56 > 1:12:58Andy.

1:12:58 > 1:13:01- Oh, bollocks, she's alive. - Haven't seen you for a while.

1:13:01 > 1:13:04Thought you might be ill or something or depressed.

1:13:04 > 1:13:08- I've had my head down, writing. - Come for a drink.

1:13:08 > 1:13:10- Let's lighten up. - I'd love to, but...

1:13:10 > 1:13:13I'm kind of on one with my writing, and...

1:13:15 > 1:13:17Can we do it soon, though?

1:13:17 > 1:13:21I really would like to. Just not right now.

1:13:21 > 1:13:23Sure.

1:13:32 > 1:13:35What is he doing here?

1:13:35 > 1:13:37Oh, he just came by on the off-chance.

1:13:37 > 1:13:39Off-chance of what?

1:13:39 > 1:13:42Something about the roofing for the shed.

1:13:46 > 1:13:49- Do you think he's in with a chance? - No way.

1:13:49 > 1:13:51Why not? He's fit. I'd do him.

1:13:51 > 1:13:53Jody, he's my uncle.

1:13:53 > 1:13:56She'd be mad not to have him. Bet he goes like a train.

1:13:56 > 1:13:58SHE SIGHS

1:14:02 > 1:14:04Let's go, my knickers are wet.

1:14:04 > 1:14:05Wait, wait.

1:14:09 > 1:14:12Oh, my God!

1:14:15 > 1:14:17Nicholas, go.

1:14:25 > 1:14:29"Prolific author of intelligent crime novels."

1:14:29 > 1:14:31Fucking D-list. How could she do that after Ben?

1:14:31 > 1:14:35- He's not even a proper celeb. - Maybe she's numbing the pain.

1:14:35 > 1:14:36Trying to tear love...

1:14:36 > 1:14:40Shut up. She's just a slag. She went out and pulled a married man.

1:14:40 > 1:14:44Like that bitch that went off with my dad.

1:14:45 > 1:14:48I know who I feel sorry for.

1:14:52 > 1:14:55Then there'll be the divorce and acrimony,

1:14:55 > 1:14:57- and Beth's world will fall apart. - Yeah.

1:14:57 > 1:15:01But maybe one day, she'll put the bitterness behind her

1:15:01 > 1:15:04and find a new love.

1:15:04 > 1:15:06Don't be daft. She's old, you sop.

1:15:06 > 1:15:08See?

1:15:08 > 1:15:11That's D-list's car.

1:15:13 > 1:15:16This is where he hides his car when he goes to shag Plastic.

1:15:16 > 1:15:19- Yeah. Dirty git.- Big old turd.

1:15:19 > 1:15:22- He's a rotten cheater.- Like my dad.

1:15:23 > 1:15:27Come on, Case. Let's fuck him up.

1:15:31 > 1:15:33Shit salad.

1:15:36 > 1:15:39Oh, poor you. What a drag.

1:15:39 > 1:15:41Yes, it's a frightful bore.

1:15:41 > 1:15:45- 'I'll hold off on the paella, then.' - You're a marvel. See you soon.

1:15:45 > 1:15:46Did you...

1:15:50 > 1:15:52Beth, can I use the printer?

1:15:52 > 1:15:55Nicholas is stuck on the motorway with a flat tire.

1:15:56 > 1:16:00- But I couldn't hear traffic, just rooks.- Hmm.

1:16:01 > 1:16:03Sorry, did you want me to read something?

1:16:03 > 1:16:05No. Can I use the printer?

1:16:05 > 1:16:07ROOKS SQUAWK

1:16:09 > 1:16:12Nicholas, someone knows.

1:16:12 > 1:16:15- Maybe we should...- Who cares?

1:16:24 > 1:16:28Casey, pap them. Pap them.

1:16:30 > 1:16:33PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

1:16:33 > 1:16:35Fucking bingo.

1:16:40 > 1:16:43Hello, Casey, how are you? Hello.

1:16:43 > 1:16:45- All right.- Waiting for the bus?

1:16:45 > 1:16:47- Bus got scrapped.- Oh, so it did.

1:16:47 > 1:16:49Well, hope it doesn't rain.

1:16:52 > 1:16:54- Gutted for her.- Me too.

1:16:55 > 1:16:57Fat arse though, hasn't she?

1:17:00 > 1:17:03- Send her the photo, Case.- I can't.

1:17:03 > 1:17:04- Why not?- What if it ruins her life?

1:17:04 > 1:17:06We've got to do something. Plastic's an idiot.

1:17:06 > 1:17:10- She fucked it up with Ben. - WE fucked it up with Ben, Jode.

1:17:12 > 1:17:14It's like...

1:17:17 > 1:17:20We've got to rescue her from D-list.

1:17:48 > 1:17:50- Casey.- What?

1:17:50 > 1:17:54She's back in touch with him. She's got an e-mail from Ben.

1:17:54 > 1:17:58"Tamara, Fran's baby has come."

1:17:58 > 1:18:00Case, he says it's a little brown girl with curly black hair.

1:18:00 > 1:18:02Oh, cute.

1:18:02 > 1:18:06"I think we can safely say it's Steven Culley's, not mine.

1:18:06 > 1:18:09"Truth is, I feel free.

1:18:09 > 1:18:11"Gig in Paris for a few days.

1:18:11 > 1:18:14"If I bring him down, would you have Boss?"

1:18:14 > 1:18:18Yes. Yes, he's coming back!

1:18:18 > 1:18:21- What are you doing?- "Dear, Ben,

1:18:21 > 1:18:23"I have found a reliable dog lover in the village."

1:18:23 > 1:18:27- Who?- "Please call Jody..." - You can't send that.

1:18:27 > 1:18:29"..on 07700 900929."

1:18:29 > 1:18:32- I'm getting him back down here! - For who?

1:18:32 > 1:18:33- You?!- Why not me?

1:18:33 > 1:18:35Are you mental?

1:18:35 > 1:18:38Reliable dog lover? You're making a great big mess..

1:18:38 > 1:18:42I'm making something happen! Otherwise my whole life will go by

1:18:42 > 1:18:45and I'll be 34 and washed up like my mum.

1:18:45 > 1:18:48And no-one decent will ever even have snogged me.

1:18:48 > 1:18:51If you do this, you're on your own.

1:18:51 > 1:18:53Fuck off, then.

1:18:53 > 1:18:55You twat.

1:18:59 > 1:19:02There's the festival brochure. You're in the Lanson marquee.

1:19:02 > 1:19:05And I've marked a few bits, in case you want to read.

1:19:05 > 1:19:07You're a marvel. Cheers.

1:19:07 > 1:19:10I could come with you.

1:19:10 > 1:19:12Oh, don't. You hate festivals.

1:19:12 > 1:19:15But it's only Hadditon. I'll come.

1:19:15 > 1:19:18It'll be completely boring. You'll hate it.

1:19:18 > 1:19:19Stay here.

1:19:28 > 1:19:31CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS, HE LAUGHS

1:19:40 > 1:19:41Wanker!

1:19:44 > 1:19:45Right.

1:19:46 > 1:19:47- SHE CHUCKLES - Finished.

1:19:47 > 1:19:51I'm doing this cake in celebration. Well done.

1:19:51 > 1:19:53- Well, to Hardy. - PHONE BEEPS

1:19:53 > 1:19:57Yeah, even though I can't bear the man for what he did to his wife.

1:19:57 > 1:20:00Oh, thanks, Andy. Just pop them over there.

1:20:05 > 1:20:06How do I find out who sent this?

1:20:13 > 1:20:16It says, "number withheld".

1:20:18 > 1:20:19Did you know?

1:20:23 > 1:20:25I couldn't tell you.

1:20:25 > 1:20:27I'm sorry, Beth.

1:20:33 > 1:20:35Her.

1:20:35 > 1:20:37Oh, my God.

1:20:37 > 1:20:40Oh, this is just... this is just horrible.

1:20:40 > 1:20:44- Right under my nose. - Oh, it's so shitty.- I feel sick.

1:20:44 > 1:20:46So insulting. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

1:20:46 > 1:20:48If you're kind to me, I'll cry.

1:20:48 > 1:20:51And I don't want to cry, I must be very clear.

1:20:51 > 1:20:53If there's anything that I can do...

1:20:53 > 1:20:55I have to do it by myself.

1:20:58 > 1:21:00SHE WEEPS

1:21:00 > 1:21:03Oh, come on. Come on, Beth. Come on.

1:21:03 > 1:21:05- I trod in the sponge mix. - SHE SOBS

1:21:11 > 1:21:14Jody? This is Ben Sergeant.

1:21:14 > 1:21:17Yeah, that's right. I love dogs.

1:21:17 > 1:21:21Yeah, so I'll see you at Winnards Farm at two o'clock.

1:21:21 > 1:21:24Yeah. Perfect.

1:21:25 > 1:21:27SHE GASPS

1:21:32 > 1:21:34Andy.

1:21:34 > 1:21:36Hey, how are you?

1:21:38 > 1:21:41I wondered if you wanted to go for that drink?

1:21:41 > 1:21:44- I need a friend at the mo... - You and Nicholas Hardiment.

1:21:44 > 1:21:46That's a nice piece of work, isn't it?

1:21:46 > 1:21:50I get it from his point of view. He's always been a cheating wanker.

1:21:50 > 1:21:53Loves having his cake and eating it.

1:21:54 > 1:21:57But since when did your standards drop so low?

1:21:57 > 1:22:00You could have anyone. All you have to do is bat your eyes.

1:22:00 > 1:22:02- Andy.- I care a lot about Beth.

1:22:02 > 1:22:05She helped me out when I was at rock bottom.

1:22:05 > 1:22:07I'm not going to split them up. It's just...

1:22:07 > 1:22:09A bit of fun?

1:22:09 > 1:22:12It's none of your bloody business.

1:22:14 > 1:22:17- Andy Cobb knows. - Cock pie. Has he told Beth?

1:22:17 > 1:22:19I don't know, but he might. And I wouldn't blame him.

1:22:19 > 1:22:21- I suppose it has to come out sometime.- Does it?

1:22:21 > 1:22:23It's a good thing.

1:22:23 > 1:22:25Feels like a relief. We can think about our plans for the future.

1:22:25 > 1:22:28- What future? - I know it's been hard for you,

1:22:28 > 1:22:29sharing me with Beth.

1:22:29 > 1:22:31But I'm yours now. I'm going to leave her.

1:22:31 > 1:22:33Mr Hardiment.

1:22:33 > 1:22:35It's time.

1:22:36 > 1:22:38I want a new life...with you.

1:22:42 > 1:22:44It's a nice dog, Mum.

1:22:44 > 1:22:47Well, I don't like having dog hair and slobber all over the place.

1:22:47 > 1:22:49But I said yes.

1:22:49 > 1:22:52No dogs, no way, and that's final.

1:22:52 > 1:22:54You loser, I hate you! You want to ruin my life!

1:22:57 > 1:22:59Live the dream, Jody.

1:22:59 > 1:23:00Well, it all runs very smoothly.

1:23:00 > 1:23:04I start a book in the summer and publish it the following spring.

1:23:04 > 1:23:06Bit of a factory, really.

1:23:06 > 1:23:08So, you've finished Like The Night,

1:23:08 > 1:23:11which is the 17th of the Inchcombe adventures.

1:23:11 > 1:23:14And we all assume you're planning the next one already.

1:23:14 > 1:23:15Well...

1:23:17 > 1:23:19..there isn't going to be a next one.

1:23:19 > 1:23:20AUDIENCE MEMBERS GASP

1:23:20 > 1:23:23Frankly, I'm sick to death of Inchcombe.

1:23:23 > 1:23:25In fact, I'm about to kill him off.

1:23:25 > 1:23:27AUDIENCE MURMUR

1:23:27 > 1:23:29Well, I think that's what we call in the trade

1:23:29 > 1:23:32a bit of a bombshell for your fans here.

1:23:32 > 1:23:37Yes, but I'm moving on to fresh pastures.

1:23:37 > 1:23:38- WOMAN:- No.

1:23:38 > 1:23:41Inchcombe is about to meet a very sticky end,

1:23:41 > 1:23:44and it's one murder I'm really looking forward to.

1:23:44 > 1:23:49Now, at this point, we should get some questions, I think.

1:23:49 > 1:23:52And I'm... Yes, there's a lady over there.

1:23:55 > 1:23:57You write a lot about adultery,

1:23:57 > 1:24:00is that from personal experience?

1:24:00 > 1:24:03Madam...

1:24:03 > 1:24:07what a...saucy question.

1:24:07 > 1:24:09There's no need for an author's work to be autobiographical...

1:24:09 > 1:24:11Why do you cheat persistently on your wife?

1:24:19 > 1:24:22Because she lets me.

1:24:23 > 1:24:24Tamara!

1:24:26 > 1:24:28- Wh...? - Nicholas, this has got to stop.

1:24:28 > 1:24:30You're right. I can't go on using her, lying to her.

1:24:30 > 1:24:32- It won't be fun but I've got to do it.- Listen...

1:24:32 > 1:24:35I don't feel alive. I haven't been living for years.

1:24:35 > 1:24:38- She's smothered me like a blanket. - Nicholas, listen to me.

1:24:38 > 1:24:41It was fun, but it's wrong and it's over.

1:24:44 > 1:24:47- I'm in love with you.- I'm sorry.

1:24:47 > 1:24:48No.

1:24:48 > 1:24:52No. No. No. You can't end it. Tamara...

1:24:52 > 1:24:54- Fuck supper!- Will you keep it down?

1:24:54 > 1:24:57- My God, you're cold-hearted. - No, I'm not.

1:24:57 > 1:24:58- You don't feel a thing.- I do.

1:24:58 > 1:25:03I do feel. I feel like I'm blazing away inside all the time.

1:25:03 > 1:25:07Why do I do these things? What am I doing with you?

1:25:07 > 1:25:10- There's someone else, isn't there? - For God's sake.

1:25:10 > 1:25:13- Not the narcissist drummer?- Goodbye.

1:25:13 > 1:25:18It's that ignorant lunk, isn't it? That muscle-bound wastrel, Andy Cobb.

1:25:18 > 1:25:22Andy Cobb is a far better man than you.

1:25:25 > 1:25:28Go on.

1:25:28 > 1:25:31HE GROANS

1:25:31 > 1:25:34Mr Hardiment, will you sign this?

1:25:34 > 1:25:36I love your books.

1:25:53 > 1:25:55Thank you.

1:26:02 > 1:26:04Hello?

1:26:07 > 1:26:09It's Jody Long about the dog.

1:26:13 > 1:26:14Ben?

1:26:20 > 1:26:22Hello?

1:26:25 > 1:26:26Ben?

1:26:32 > 1:26:33Ben?

1:26:38 > 1:26:42SWIPE RINGTONE

1:26:47 > 1:26:49You going to answer that?

1:26:51 > 1:26:54Jody, what are you doing not fucking answering?

1:26:54 > 1:26:56DOG BARKS

1:26:56 > 1:26:59Ben's dog is here. It's loose.

1:26:59 > 1:27:01It means Ben must be up at Winnards.

1:27:02 > 1:27:04Boss!

1:27:05 > 1:27:07Dog minder?

1:27:07 > 1:27:10You've been breaking in, sending e-mails

1:27:10 > 1:27:12and fucking people off.

1:27:12 > 1:27:14Did you nick my black T-shirt?

1:27:14 > 1:27:17I just wanted to meet you. Just once.

1:27:17 > 1:27:20- Just to tell you stuff. - Stuff? What stuff?

1:27:20 > 1:27:22Like, I love you.

1:27:22 > 1:27:25I really, really love you.

1:27:25 > 1:27:28That's really nice.

1:27:29 > 1:27:32I used to lie awake thinking about you being here.

1:27:32 > 1:27:34In Ewedown.

1:27:34 > 1:27:36In the bum-hole of nowhere.

1:27:38 > 1:27:40When you left, I couldn't bear it.

1:27:41 > 1:27:43I just wanted to make you come back.

1:27:48 > 1:27:51Do you still love me, Jody?

1:27:51 > 1:27:53Even though I want to lock you up?

1:27:54 > 1:27:57What would you do for me, then?

1:27:57 > 1:27:59Would you do anything, like a proper fan?

1:28:01 > 1:28:03Let's see then, shall we?

1:28:04 > 1:28:06I bet that bitch wants a baby. She'll find out.

1:28:06 > 1:28:09Nicholas doesn't do children. He'll leave it all up to her. Oh.

1:28:09 > 1:28:11- That'll age her.- Beth.

1:28:11 > 1:28:14Suppose he discovers fatherhood. They do, these men.

1:28:14 > 1:28:17Second-time around, they get all nappy-happy.

1:28:17 > 1:28:21I was barely 20 when I got pregnant. I've never done anything. God!

1:28:21 > 1:28:23Yes, you have. Look at this place.

1:28:23 > 1:28:25I've let him walk all over me. Why? Why have I done that?

1:28:25 > 1:28:27- I've wasted my life.- No.

1:28:27 > 1:28:29What about the work you've done here?

1:28:29 > 1:28:30- Work?- Yes.

1:28:30 > 1:28:34What, breeding goats? Baking fucking biscuits? It's meaningless!

1:28:34 > 1:28:35SHE SOBS

1:28:35 > 1:28:37Beth.

1:28:37 > 1:28:40When I was lost with my book, you helped me more than you know.

1:28:40 > 1:28:42You asked me who I was writing it for.

1:28:42 > 1:28:45You.

1:29:07 > 1:29:08Excuse me.

1:29:11 > 1:29:12May I speak with my wife?

1:29:12 > 1:29:15No, you may not.

1:29:17 > 1:29:19Beth. Beth.

1:29:20 > 1:29:22It's over.

1:29:23 > 1:29:26I've finished it.

1:29:26 > 1:29:28She's been chasing me.

1:29:28 > 1:29:30I think there's something unhinged about her.

1:29:30 > 1:29:32- This wild crush. - DOG BARKS

1:29:32 > 1:29:36Ben Sergeant's bloody dog again. Go on, get out.

1:29:36 > 1:29:40Back to that tart at Winnards Farm. Go on. Bugger off!

1:29:42 > 1:29:44Beth.

1:29:44 > 1:29:47You know I'm sorry.

1:29:47 > 1:29:50I want you to leave. I want a divorce.

1:29:50 > 1:29:52No, you don't. Don't be ridiculous.

1:29:52 > 1:29:54- Now, look...- And I want this place.

1:29:54 > 1:29:56You can't.

1:29:56 > 1:29:59Watch me. I will.

1:30:01 > 1:30:05That's it, lovely. Keep it going. Stop. Couple of sugars.

1:30:07 > 1:30:08Stir it.

1:30:17 > 1:30:21That is a very good cup of tea. Which is lucky for you, Jody.

1:30:21 > 1:30:22Had it been shit,

1:30:22 > 1:30:24I'd be on the phone to the extremely scary local cops right now.

1:30:24 > 1:30:26Please don't tell my mum.

1:30:26 > 1:30:29I know it's boring round here, but for fuck's sakes.

1:30:29 > 1:30:30I'm going to get out as soon as I can.

1:30:30 > 1:30:34I'm going to work in Vegas as a croupier. Vegas or a cruise liner.

1:30:34 > 1:30:39Aim high, Jody. That's what I say. Aim high.

1:30:45 > 1:30:46Ben?

1:30:50 > 1:30:53- You've had an infestation.- Of what?

1:30:53 > 1:30:54Jody.

1:31:09 > 1:31:10DOG SNIFFLES

1:31:10 > 1:31:12COWS MOO

1:31:14 > 1:31:18Hey, Greg! I want a word with you.

1:31:18 > 1:31:21It's Glen, asshole.

1:31:21 > 1:31:24- You fucking devious bastard. - I'm devious?

1:31:24 > 1:31:27- I'm a bastard? - You think I haven't noticed

1:31:27 > 1:31:29you've been worming your way in?

1:31:29 > 1:31:34You keep your hands off my wife, you low-rent pedant.

1:31:34 > 1:31:38You've abused Beth long enough with all of your goddamn lies.

1:31:38 > 1:31:39I want you out of my house.

1:31:39 > 1:31:42- It's Beth's. She made this place. - And I fucking paid for it.

1:31:42 > 1:31:45I've given Beth all this. What can you give her?

1:31:45 > 1:31:49- I can give her integrity. - Obscure literary shit,

1:31:49 > 1:31:51not worth ten pence.

1:31:51 > 1:31:54You know, if I made my fortune fantasising about rapes and murders,

1:31:54 > 1:31:57- I wouldn't be so proud.- You cretin.

1:31:57 > 1:31:59Fuck you.

1:31:59 > 1:32:01Beth will come to her senses.

1:32:01 > 1:32:05You need an income to run Stonefield, and mine's bigger than yours.

1:32:10 > 1:32:12HE PANTS

1:32:12 > 1:32:16Get up, Nicholas, come on. Let's talk about this like grown men.

1:32:22 > 1:32:24Oh, my God.

1:32:24 > 1:32:25Nicholas.

1:32:25 > 1:32:27Nic...

1:32:27 > 1:32:29Get up.

1:32:31 > 1:32:33STAMPEDE OF HOOVES

1:32:36 > 1:32:38Nicholas.

1:32:38 > 1:32:40Get up.

1:32:40 > 1:32:42Run. Come on. Get up.

1:32:42 > 1:32:45DOG BARKS

1:32:48 > 1:32:50Nicholas...

1:32:50 > 1:32:51Nicholas.

1:33:03 > 1:33:06DOG BARKS

1:33:25 > 1:33:27It was you?

1:33:28 > 1:33:30It was you who sent the e-mail?

1:33:30 > 1:33:34Jody's explained that she did it out of a deep love for me.

1:33:38 > 1:33:40- Tammy.- Ben.

1:33:51 > 1:33:53I think you should have this back.

1:33:54 > 1:33:55I'm sorry.

1:33:57 > 1:34:00Jody! The dog!

1:34:00 > 1:34:02DOG BARKS

1:34:32 > 1:34:34DISTANT GUNSHOT

1:34:42 > 1:34:44Got him.

1:34:44 > 1:34:46The beast.

1:35:13 > 1:35:15Nicholas.

1:35:18 > 1:35:19God.

1:35:19 > 1:35:21Oh, God. Nicholas.

1:35:21 > 1:35:23Bitch. Brazen.

1:35:23 > 1:35:24Brazen.

1:35:24 > 1:35:28- Beth.- That is brazen. - Beth, don't look!

1:35:28 > 1:35:31Please, don't look! BETH SCREAMS

1:35:32 > 1:35:33Nicholas?!

1:35:36 > 1:35:38No!

1:35:38 > 1:35:40SHE SCREAMS

1:35:40 > 1:35:42No!

1:35:42 > 1:35:46No, but you can see it. It's broken. It's smashed.

1:35:47 > 1:35:49..No, I haven't, but it's obvious.

1:35:52 > 1:35:56Yes, his wife. Yes, she is.

1:35:56 > 1:35:58Thank you, thank you. I will.

1:36:00 > 1:36:01They're on their way.

1:36:03 > 1:36:06Beth, help is coming.

1:36:06 > 1:36:08Agh!

1:36:13 > 1:36:15It's broken.

1:36:36 > 1:36:38CAR APPROACHES

1:36:40 > 1:36:42DOOR OPENS

1:36:44 > 1:36:46Tamara.

1:36:46 > 1:36:48Listen.

1:36:51 > 1:36:54SHE SOBS I'm sorry.

1:36:54 > 1:36:58Come on. Are you blaming yourself?

1:37:01 > 1:37:02It was an accident.

1:37:02 > 1:37:06SHE WAILS

1:37:17 > 1:37:20I'd better get back up Stonefield.

1:37:20 > 1:37:22Come with me. We'll get this sorted.

1:37:27 > 1:37:31Then get Ben to take you back to London.

1:37:31 > 1:37:33I don't want to be with Ben.

1:37:50 > 1:37:52Put it on the back seat.

1:37:56 > 1:37:58INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO

1:38:03 > 1:38:05What are you doing?

1:38:05 > 1:38:07I figured it was best, you know, that I take off.

1:38:07 > 1:38:10She doesn't want writers around the place now.

1:38:10 > 1:38:12And police, autopsies, not my thing.

1:38:12 > 1:38:14- You can't run away. - I'm not running away.

1:38:14 > 1:38:18I've finished my book. My time here is up. Destiny calls.

1:38:18 > 1:38:19Beth is asking for you.

1:38:19 > 1:38:21Really?

1:38:21 > 1:38:24She's on her own over there.

1:38:24 > 1:38:29Glen, she doesn't need a writer around the place.

1:38:29 > 1:38:31She needs a man.

1:38:41 > 1:38:42I'm so sorry.

1:38:44 > 1:38:46It was my fault. I let the dog go.

1:38:46 > 1:38:49- No. No.- I shooed him away.

1:38:49 > 1:38:52The police said it was an accident, but if I'd caught him,

1:38:52 > 1:38:54- tied him up... - No, it wasn't your fault.

1:38:54 > 1:38:57What I don't understand is why was he in that field? He hated cows.

1:38:57 > 1:39:00And when he saw them coming, why didn't he get out of their way?

1:39:00 > 1:39:04Beth, I have to tell you that...

1:39:16 > 1:39:18You live in the country.

1:39:18 > 1:39:20You share it with those dangerous beasts,

1:39:20 > 1:39:23and when they get scared, they run.

1:39:23 > 1:39:25Like we do.

1:39:26 > 1:39:28Oh, Glen.

1:39:30 > 1:39:32Stay with me.

1:39:51 > 1:39:53BIRDS TWITTER

1:40:04 > 1:40:06Kind of suits you.

1:40:06 > 1:40:08Don't say anything.

1:40:08 > 1:40:10I always did like the old one.

1:40:14 > 1:40:16- You did it on purpose, didn't you? - What?

1:40:16 > 1:40:20Made this place so beautiful I'd never be able to leave.

1:40:20 > 1:40:22Been dying to get rid of you.

1:40:23 > 1:40:25This is my house.

1:40:25 > 1:40:29- I was born in that room. - So you were.

1:40:30 > 1:40:32Welcome home.

1:40:55 > 1:40:57BEN SOBS

1:41:12 > 1:41:13SHE MOUTHS

1:41:13 > 1:41:15MOUTHS

1:41:15 > 1:41:17SHE MOUTHS

1:41:22 > 1:41:25PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

1:41:30 > 1:41:34SWIPE SONG PLAYS

1:41:34 > 1:41:37# This is a call for a domestic dispute

1:41:37 > 1:41:40# There's gonna be a party in the back of the boot

1:41:40 > 1:41:43# This is a call for a domestic dispute

1:41:43 > 1:41:46# Better get a move on cos she's going to shoot

1:41:46 > 1:41:50- # When I'm alone at night - Alone at night

1:41:50 > 1:41:53- # Watching the satellite - Satellite

1:41:53 > 1:41:59# I'm so scared that you will find me

1:41:59 > 1:42:02- # Turn all the lights down low - Lights down low

1:42:02 > 1:42:06- # As low as the lights will go - Lights will go

1:42:06 > 1:42:12# You shine your torch so bright It blinds me

1:42:12 > 1:42:16# So stop your sobbing now Coming to find you

1:42:16 > 1:42:19# Stop your sobbing now Seconds behind you

1:42:19 > 1:42:24# Stop your sobbing now Do what you need

1:42:24 > 1:42:28# This is a load for me. #