0:00:17 > 0:00:19PHONE RINGS
0:00:21 > 0:00:23PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
0:00:50 > 0:00:52INDISTINCT SHOUTS
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Silence, please!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13(Take care, sir.)
0:01:47 > 0:01:49CAR HORNS BLARE
0:02:34 > 0:02:36KEYS JANGLE
0:02:40 > 0:02:42WHINING
0:02:50 > 0:02:52My dog is an Alsatian bitch.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Her name is Tulip.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I have never owned a dog before her.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Alsatians have a bad reputation.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04They are said to bite the hand that feeds them.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Indeed, Tulip bit my hand once, but accidentally.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10She mistook it for a rotten apple
0:03:10 > 0:03:13we were both trying to grab simultaneously.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16One of her canines sank into my thumb-joint to the bone.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, well, we all make mistakes, and she was dreadfully sorry.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24She rolled over with all her legs in the air, and later on, when she
0:03:24 > 0:03:27saw the bandage on my hand, she put herself in a corner,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29the darkest corner of the bedroom,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32and stayed there for the rest of the afternoon.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35She could hardly do more by way of apology, for she becomes
0:03:35 > 0:03:38so hysterically excited at the mere hint of being taken out
0:03:38 > 0:03:41for a walk that she rushes into the kitchen to grab
0:03:41 > 0:03:44the vegetables, and scatters them all about the corridor
0:03:44 > 0:03:48as if they were rose petals marking her ascension to heaven.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53It seems to me both touching and strange
0:03:53 > 0:03:57that she should find the world so wonderful.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05# Piddle piddle seal and sign
0:04:05 > 0:04:09# I'll smell your arse, you smell mine
0:04:09 > 0:04:14# Human beings are prudes and bores
0:04:14 > 0:04:19# You smell my arse, I'll smell yours
0:04:21 > 0:04:25# Human beings are prudes and bores
0:04:25 > 0:04:32# You smell my arse, I smell yours. #
0:04:37 > 0:04:41When children are difficult, the cause is often traced to their home
0:04:41 > 0:04:47and it was upon Tulip's first home that I blamed her unsociable conduct.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58She had originally belonged to some working-class people who,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01though fond of her in their way, seldom took her out.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03She was too excitable.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07For nearly a year she scarcely left their house but spent her time,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11mostly alone, in a tiny backyard, for they were at work all day.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14She could hardly be expected, therefore,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18to learn the ways of a world she so rarely visited.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21The only training she ever received was an occasional thrashing
0:05:21 > 0:05:26for the destruction which her owners discovered when they returned home.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28HORN BLARES
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Alsatians, in particular, do not take kindly to beatings.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39They are too intelligent and too nervous.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41BARKING
0:05:42 > 0:05:46It was from this life, when she was 18 months old, that I rescued her,
0:05:46 > 0:05:52and to it that I attributed the disturbances of her psyche.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Thereafter, it was clear that
0:05:55 > 0:05:59if she could have her way she would never let me out of her sight again.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS
0:07:04 > 0:07:06HISSING
0:07:37 > 0:07:39WHISTLE BLOWS
0:07:41 > 0:07:43BARKING
0:07:47 > 0:07:50While I was extremely grateful to the gallant stranger who had come
0:07:50 > 0:07:54to my rescue, Tulip's subsequent behaviour may have caused him
0:07:54 > 0:07:56to regret his kindness.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00The journey home was, however, mercifully short,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04and I held high expectations of a less fraught stroll
0:08:04 > 0:08:07along the towpath of the Thames to my flat in Putney.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22She was so unused to being out in the world that she could not
0:08:22 > 0:08:26differentiate between the swollen river lapping the towpath
0:08:26 > 0:08:27and a mere puddle.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30She rushed into it and immediately sank.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I hastened to her rescue, but I could scarcely help
0:08:37 > 0:08:40laughing at the sight of her when I heaved her out.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44She was less amused than I.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48This unexpected immersion had one useful consequence, however -
0:08:48 > 0:08:50the coal dust from the yard in which
0:08:50 > 0:08:54she had been confined by her former owners was washed clean away.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01And so it was that this beautiful creature came into my life
0:09:01 > 0:09:02and transformed it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06By the end of that eventful first day,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10she too had undergone a metamorphosis,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12from beggar-maid to princess,
0:09:12 > 0:09:17and it was I, the somewhat shabby hero of my own storybook,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20who had rescued her and won her heart.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32In the journal of General Bertrand, Napoleon's Grand Marshal,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36this entry occurs: "1821, April 12th.
0:09:36 > 0:09:42"At 10.30 the Emperor passed a large and well-formed motion."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I sympathize with the general.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53However, Tulip's bowel movements cause me even greater concern
0:09:53 > 0:10:00since she has two small canine anal glands, which Napoleon did not have.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Therefore hers require two-fold the supervision.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06KETTLE WHISTLES
0:10:06 > 0:10:09These canine glands produce a secretion,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12which is periodically released
0:10:12 > 0:10:16by the passage of a... General Bertrand-pleasing form.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24If, however, a dog is continually loose in the bowels,
0:10:24 > 0:10:28the glands become congested and can form abscesses.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31It was a misty September morning
0:10:31 > 0:10:34and I had taken Tulip out to relieve herself,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36which she was peacefully doing.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40It always pleases me to see her perform this physical act.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Her ears lie back, her head cranes forward,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and a mild, meditative look settles on her face.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51While we were thus harmlessly engaged,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53a cyclist shot around the corner towards us.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Since Tulip was safely on the pavement I would have not
0:10:56 > 0:11:01noticed this person at all if he had not addressed me as he flew past.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Try taking your dog off the pavement to mess!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09One should not lose one's temper, but the remark stung me.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13"What, to be run over by you? Try minding your own business!"
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- I am, an' all! - He bawled over his shoulder.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19What's the bleeding street for?
0:11:19 > 0:11:23"For turds like you!" I retorted.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"Bleeding dogs!" he screamed. "Arseholes!" I replied.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29There was no more to be said. I had had the last word.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Nevertheless, I am able to see other people's points of view.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41I know of few things upon which it is a positive pleasure to tread.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Whenever I take Tulip out, therefore,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I offer her the opportunity to drop twigs where there are trees.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Here, amid the flotsam and jetsam of French letters
0:11:51 > 0:11:54and the swollen bodies of drowned cats, dogs and birds
0:11:54 > 0:11:56left by the tide,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59she is often moved to open her bowels.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05If not, we pass on to another species of refuse dump.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11The dead are less particular and more charitable than the living.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14It is a charming little cemetery.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17To what better use could such a place be put?
0:12:17 > 0:12:22And are not its ghosts gladdened that so beautiful a young creature
0:12:22 > 0:12:26as Tulip should come here for her needs, whatever they may be?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Tulip sometimes embarrasses me, too.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36She delivered herself once in front of a greengrocer's shop,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40and this on the way home from a long walk on Putney Common
0:12:40 > 0:12:44where she had already left as much as I supposed her to contain.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I knew the grocer and his wife for a surly, disobliging couple.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Hoping that they would not observe Tulip, I hastened by,
0:12:52 > 0:12:54hissing at her to "Hurry up, for God's sake!"
0:12:54 > 0:12:56as I passed.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I glanced back, intending to disown her if she had been observed.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Tulip had just finished and was following me
0:13:02 > 0:13:04but at that very instant
0:13:04 > 0:13:07the man and his wife flew angrily out and caught my eye.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12Useless now to pretend ignorance, yet I continued on my way.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They hurled insults after me.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16'Ere! Mister!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Look what your bleedin' dog's gone and done!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Then my conscience smote me.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26True, they were horrid people, but Tulip's gift would not help to
0:13:26 > 0:13:28uplift their hearts to a sweeter view of life.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32As soon as this noble thought occurred to me, I retraced my steps.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36"I am sorry about my dog," I said.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39"But if you'll give me some newspaper or a bucket of water
0:13:39 > 0:13:42"and a brush, I'll clear it up for you."
0:13:53 > 0:13:58It took me some time to swab it up but I was thorough.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01SCRUBBING
0:14:15 > 0:14:20"Well, that's done," I said cheerfully.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It was now her turn to pretend not to catch my eye.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"You could say thank you," I added mildly.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Why should I?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34She retorted, with a brief, contemptuous look.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Standing there with my hands full, I had an impulse to drop it all
0:14:38 > 0:14:40back on the pavement.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Women are dangerous,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and I feared now that Tulip's death cries as she went under a bus
0:14:47 > 0:14:52while dodging some vegetable missile would sound like music to this one.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I restrained myself.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05For as long as I could remember I had been searching for an ideal friend,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07but I have never really found
0:15:07 > 0:15:10the person who fitted my exacting requirements.
0:15:10 > 0:15:16There was always some flaw - too tall, too short, too outgoing,
0:15:16 > 0:15:21too shy, too insecure, too independent.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24As the years passed and the opportunities grew fewer,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I had a mental image of the ideal friend as a plain jug
0:15:27 > 0:15:31containing a delightful mix of good companionship
0:15:31 > 0:15:33and intellectual stimulation,
0:15:33 > 0:15:38the shape, age and size of which no longer had any importance for me.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44I still felt that if I only turned this corner instead of that,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46or boarded this bus rather than that one,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I would find the ideal friend waiting for me, and that we would
0:15:50 > 0:15:55recognize each other at once after the exchange of a few words.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57But a further complication was
0:15:57 > 0:16:01that I did not want anyone to think that I was pursuing them.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It was therefore necessary to encounter the ideal friend
0:16:04 > 0:16:07face-to-face - which is not easy
0:16:07 > 0:16:11if you happen both to be moving in the same direction.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18It was with a measure of naivety in dog affairs that my first
0:16:18 > 0:16:23consultation with a vet was to inquire whether she was in heat.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24BARKING
0:16:24 > 0:16:28The question was never settled, that is to say, by him.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30All he said, in a cold voice, was:
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Have you no control over your dog?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36In the face of the evidence it was idle to say anything but "No".
0:16:36 > 0:16:40To which, still keeping his distance, he dryly replied:
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Then take her out of my surgery at once.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Another vet had been recommended to me.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51He was an ex-Army man, a major.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Just have to take them like...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Having failed, as I had failed,
0:16:56 > 0:17:00to shout her down, the major swooped upon her, yelping.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02These Alsatians! They're all the same!
0:17:02 > 0:17:06And beat her about the body with his bare hands.
0:17:06 > 0:17:12These dashing military tactics did not enable him to examine her,
0:17:12 > 0:17:13if that was part of his plan.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17As I walked away from this establishment,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I supposed myself to be in the possession of an undoctorable dog
0:17:21 > 0:17:25and this gloomy reflection was succeeded by another, which was,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28if all Alsatians are the same,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31did any of them ever receive medical attention?
0:17:31 > 0:17:32BARKING
0:17:32 > 0:17:36It transpired that they did, this time for a most important service,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39to have her inoculated against distemper.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40BARKING AND KNOCKING
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I had made the appointment by telephone
0:17:43 > 0:17:47and had thought it politic to apologise for Tulip in advance.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50BARKING AND KNOCKING FROM BELOW
0:17:55 > 0:17:57The first sight that greeted us
0:17:57 > 0:17:59before we ever reached the surgery door,
0:17:59 > 0:18:03for its window looked out upon the yard through which we passed,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07was a spaniel all too plainly seen within.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Absolutely motionless, and with an air of deep absorption,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15the dog was standing upon the table in an empty room
0:18:15 > 0:18:19with a thermometer sticking out of its bottom, like a cigarette.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It was almost as though he had put it there himself.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28Oh, Tulip! If only you were like that! But she was not.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29BARKING
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Can you turn her back to me and hold her head still?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- I think so.- Good!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- Now just keep her head like that. - May I give her the injection myself?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45You could show me where to do it and she wouldn't mind from me. Oh, I say!
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Don't hurt her! There's really no need!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50PANTING
0:18:50 > 0:18:54After this, Tulip would not, could not,
0:18:54 > 0:18:59even enter the streets in which her last two experiences had taken place.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07I would suddenly miss her from my side and, looking wildly around,
0:19:07 > 0:19:09espy her far behind me.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12There was no getting away from her face. It said both
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"What?" and "What!"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I then noticed that, in spite of the nourishing food I provided,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Tulip looked too thin.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24The distressing word "worms" was dropped into my ear
0:19:24 > 0:19:28by a passing stranger and soon after I decided to take her along to
0:19:28 > 0:19:35Miss Canvenini, which was the name of the lady vet she kindly gave me.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Miss Canvenini stood quietly in front of us, looking down at Tulip
0:19:45 > 0:19:49while I stumbled through some account of her past and present troubles.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Then she asked:
0:19:50 > 0:19:52What's her name?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53I told her.
0:19:53 > 0:20:00Well, Tulip, you are a noisy girl, aren't you? What is it all about?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03How maddening, how intolerable it was.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I found myself suddenly yelling,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Stop it, you brute!
0:20:08 > 0:20:09BARKING STOPS
0:20:09 > 0:20:10BARKING STARTS AGAIN
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I biffed her nose. The blow was harder than I intended.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I see. Just slip the lead through her collar,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I'll examine her in another room.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Are you sure it'll be all right?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Perfectly all right.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38PHONE RINGS
0:20:50 > 0:20:51RINGING STOPS
0:20:53 > 0:20:56EXAGGERATED TICKING OF CLOCK
0:21:08 > 0:21:12No signs of worms. She's in excellent condition.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- How did she behave?- Good as gold.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Did you tie her nose?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Heavens, no! I never do that.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21I knew she would be no trouble.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23How?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Well, you learn by experience, I suppose.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29But it isn't difficult to tell a dog's character from its face.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Tulip's a good girl, I saw that at once. You are the trouble.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36I sat down.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40She is in love with you, so life is full of worries for her.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43In order to protect you she wants to be free,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46so she doesn't like people touching her.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49But when you're not there, there's nothing for her to do.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Speak to her quietly. In time, she'll do anything for you.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Excuse me.
0:21:58 > 0:22:04Has she, Miss Canvenini, has she ever been bitten?
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Sublime woman!
0:22:12 > 0:22:19My sister, Nancy, who had no fixed abode, became aware that I had
0:22:19 > 0:22:24been looking in vain for someone to become Tulip's escort and caretaker,
0:22:24 > 0:22:28as my office responsibilities on most mornings required me
0:22:28 > 0:22:33to abandon her to long periods of loneliness and boredom.
0:22:33 > 0:22:39From the outset, Tulip made it very clear that she, not Nancy,
0:22:39 > 0:22:43was mistress of the house and had every intention of maintaining this position.
0:22:43 > 0:22:48I had naturally been worried that Nancy, once installed,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52would attempt to invade what remained of my privacy,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55but Tulip defended our territory rather well.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56BARKING
0:23:00 > 0:23:05The room Tulip and I occupied was to remain strictly out of bounds
0:23:05 > 0:23:08and any attempt by Nancy even to approach it,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10let alone knock at the door or enter,
0:23:10 > 0:23:15was greeted by a prolonged outburst of ferocious barking.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18BARKING
0:23:24 > 0:23:26BARKING STOPS
0:23:40 > 0:23:41BARKING
0:23:50 > 0:23:52No more was needed.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Nancy would not advance another step
0:23:54 > 0:23:57but would call out to ask some pointless question.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Joe? Shall I put the kettle on?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Joe? Are you in there?
0:24:05 > 0:24:06BARKING
0:24:06 > 0:24:10I thought I might go up to the West End to look at the shops.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14But if it's going to rain, then I don't suppose I will.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Joe?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Days passed and my sister's mind got busy, as I guessed it would,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24with the problem of obstructing my wishes.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57You know, she's a quite different dog when you're not here.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00She's quiet, she's obedient, she does everything I tell her.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05And there's none of that terrible fuss about me going into your room
0:25:05 > 0:25:07when you're not in there.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I should, of course, say how grateful I was to Nancy,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12in spite of everything.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16I could not imagine anyone filling this role better, but that role was
0:25:16 > 0:25:20not quite the one Nancy had envisaged when she came to live with us.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23She saw herself as a member of the household.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27I saw her as a dependable kennel-maid.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37While I was at the office,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Nancy attempted to seduce Tulip away from me,
0:25:40 > 0:25:44and I thought at one awful moment that she had almost succeeded.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49I awoke in a panic
0:25:49 > 0:25:54to find that Tulip was not asleep in her usual chair in our room,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56and a dreadful thought struck me
0:25:56 > 0:25:59that she had decided to spend the night with Nancy.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03The idea that she could have rejected me in favour of my sister
0:26:03 > 0:26:05was almost too much to bear,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08and I sank back into my pillow thinking
0:26:08 > 0:26:10that our life of companionship was over,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and that I was once more alone in the world.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And then I heard a faint, familiar noise,
0:26:16 > 0:26:21the soft, melancholy noise that Tulip makes when she's unhappy.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24WHINING
0:26:41 > 0:26:46She'd been lured into my sister's room and kept there against her will,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49and she immediately followed me back to my own room.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55She remained what she always was -
0:26:55 > 0:26:57my dog.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I should never have doubted her.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02But now that I'd been proved wrong,
0:27:02 > 0:27:07I was able to fall contentedly into a deep and restful sleep.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15MORNING BIRD CHORUS
0:27:25 > 0:27:29I was not to have any rest from Nancy, however.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Having failed to win Tulip over to her side she was prepared
0:27:33 > 0:27:37to carry on this battle to the end, however gory that might be.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41ANGRY BARKING AND SNARLING
0:27:41 > 0:27:46Nancy had, of course, relied upon my inability to stand by
0:27:46 > 0:27:49and watch her being savaged without intervening.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53She must therefore have taken a quiet satisfaction in seeing me
0:27:53 > 0:27:58beat off my dog, even though every blow fell unwillingly.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00GROWLING
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Tulip! Down
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Stop this nonsense, Tulip!
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Tulip!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14SMACKING
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Down! Stay, Tulip!
0:28:22 > 0:28:26I hardly remember for how long these two formidable females
0:28:26 > 0:28:29tussled for my custody.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32It was certainly more than a year and it was rather...
0:28:32 > 0:28:35DOG BARKS AT CROCKERY CLINKING
0:28:35 > 0:28:38..distracting.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Alas, very few of my friends ask me to stay with them anymore.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49GROWLING
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Those who have no pets of their own
0:28:52 > 0:28:55are a little forgetful about inviting Tulip twice.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59People seem to take exception to being assaulted
0:28:59 > 0:29:02whenever they cross their legs in their own sitting rooms.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09One of the last hosts to invite us down to his country home
0:29:09 > 0:29:14was a Captain Pugh, who had served with me in France in the 1914 war.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21I had seen nothing of him for a great many years
0:29:21 > 0:29:23and then he suddenly turned up again.
0:29:23 > 0:29:28He said he was farming in Kent and gave me orders to come down to stay.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33He agreeably added Tulip to the invitation
0:29:33 > 0:29:37and so we travelled down into Kent together that very month.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Actually I remembered very little about my host,
0:29:42 > 0:29:45except that he had been an officer who had managed to combine
0:29:45 > 0:29:50great courage and efficiency with a marked habit of indolence.
0:29:51 > 0:29:55Whenever, for instance, he had wanted his servant or his orderly,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58it had been his custom to fire his revolver -
0:29:58 > 0:30:01one shot for the servant, two for the orderly -
0:30:01 > 0:30:04to save himself the exertion of shouting.
0:30:04 > 0:30:05Strange fellow, what?
0:30:26 > 0:30:31An odd figure and, as I was to discover, set in his ways;
0:30:31 > 0:30:34his whims were, indeed, to contribute to the misfortunes
0:30:34 > 0:30:36that befell us beneath his roof.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17BIRD CALLS
0:31:19 > 0:31:22CHICKENS CLUCK
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Now, I hope Tulip won't go after them.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29They're laying rather well at present.
0:31:29 > 0:31:31I hoped not, too.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34He may have been hinting that I should put Tulip on a lead
0:31:34 > 0:31:37but how can one gauge the intelligence of one's animal
0:31:37 > 0:31:40if one never affords it the chance to display any?
0:31:41 > 0:31:42GROWLING AND BARKING
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Tulip!
0:31:44 > 0:31:46I was too late.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50BARKING
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I apologized profusely
0:32:13 > 0:32:17but it turned out to be not at all an important cat.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23It can stay there now.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27I'll have someone let it out before night falls.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29I permitted myself to be...
0:32:29 > 0:32:31HE LAUGHS
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Yes, I permitted myself to be amused.
0:32:34 > 0:32:39Little did I think that this cat was to take its revenge upon us later.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Captain Pugh's idleness had only gained ground.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14The problem that troubled him the most appeared to be whether,
0:33:14 > 0:33:18for an hour or more, both before and after every meal,
0:33:18 > 0:33:20it would be more rewarding to nap on a sofa
0:33:20 > 0:33:23or to undress and return to bed.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30TOILET FLUSHES
0:33:30 > 0:33:34Every room, including the bathroom and kitchen,
0:33:34 > 0:33:36were furnished with a sofa.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45In those rare moments he was on his feet...
0:33:45 > 0:33:46You cows, atten-shun!
0:33:46 > 0:33:49..Pugh would stalk about his farm buildings
0:33:49 > 0:33:51shouting commands in military fashion
0:33:51 > 0:33:53and causing great consternation among the cows.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55All right now! Quick-march!
0:33:57 > 0:33:58Come along then! Come along there!
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Step lively!
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Come on then!
0:34:03 > 0:34:06All right, you cows, stand at ease!
0:34:08 > 0:34:12He then retired for the night up the wide wooden staircase
0:34:12 > 0:34:15with its low treads to reduce leg strain.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Pugh paused to observe that he was a light sleeper
0:34:19 > 0:34:22and therefore hoped that Tulip was a sound one.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24TRAIN WHISTLE
0:34:24 > 0:34:27So as to wake up like a giant refreshed!
0:34:27 > 0:34:30I had been allotted the bedroom joining his.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Besides the bed it contained,
0:34:32 > 0:34:34I was glad, though not surprised,
0:34:34 > 0:34:37to find a comfortable sofa...
0:34:38 > 0:34:40..for Tulip.
0:34:41 > 0:34:45In fact, Tulip is a very quiet sleeper, though she will
0:34:45 > 0:34:49usually pay me one visit in the night and put her nose against my face.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Perhaps I cry out in my dreams,
0:34:52 > 0:34:57or do not and she wishes to reassure herself that I am not dead.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03GAS LAMP HISSES
0:35:10 > 0:35:15It was therefore well precedented when she wakened me at about 2am.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17I patted her and turned away.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21She pulled at me in an urgent kind of way. What could she want?
0:35:23 > 0:35:26CAT MIAOWS
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Ah, so that was it!
0:35:28 > 0:35:31She left me then but she did not go to her sofa.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34Don't be tiresome, Tulip! Go back to bed!
0:35:34 > 0:35:37We'll visit the cat in the morning.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40Silence.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Then I heard plop, plop, plop.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49FLATULENT SQUIRTING
0:35:49 > 0:35:51I fumbled for my matches.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55Tulip was coming to me from the other side of the room.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Wagging her tail and gazing at me with soft, glowing eyes,
0:35:58 > 0:36:00she kissed my cheek.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04Avoiding all the rugs, she had laid her mess on the linoleum
0:36:04 > 0:36:10and as far from me as she could get, against Pugh's communicating door.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13And, indeed, she couldn't have helped it.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16I saw at once when I got out of bed to look,
0:36:16 > 0:36:20she couldn't have retained that for a moment longer.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25PAPER RUSTLING
0:36:25 > 0:36:27TEARING
0:36:38 > 0:36:39GENTLE COUGHING
0:36:39 > 0:36:42MATCH-STRIKE
0:36:52 > 0:36:59CREAKING FLOORBOARDS
0:37:00 > 0:37:04TOILET GURGLING
0:37:10 > 0:37:11BARKING
0:37:11 > 0:37:13WHISPERING: Shh, Tulip!
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Shh, shh, shh.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19COCK CROWS
0:37:19 > 0:37:23She had used every device that lay in her power to tell me something,
0:37:23 > 0:37:25and I had not understood.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Alas for the gulf that separates man and beast.
0:37:28 > 0:37:32Did she lose some confidence in me at that moment?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I have often sadly wondered.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35FLATULENT SQUELCHING
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Poor Pugh.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40It was not, I fear, with the look of a giant refreshed
0:37:40 > 0:37:43that he appeared at the breakfast table later.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46He said kindly that it was of no consequence.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48But it was.
0:37:48 > 0:37:53The Norton was waiting in the yard, its engine snickering impatiently.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Tulip was never asked again.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02BARKING
0:38:14 > 0:38:18But here the story finds a happy ending.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21If I did forfeit any of Tulip's confidence at that period,
0:38:21 > 0:38:25I have reasons to believe that I had recovered it later,
0:38:25 > 0:38:26as we shall soon see.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31Dogs read the world through their noses
0:38:31 > 0:38:33and write their history in urine.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Tulip is particularly instructive when she is in season.
0:38:36 > 0:38:42She has two kinds of urination - necessity and social.
0:38:42 > 0:38:47In necessity she squats squarely and abruptly right down on her shins,
0:38:47 > 0:38:50her hind legs forming a kind of dam against the stream
0:38:50 > 0:38:53that gushes out from behind.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56Her expression is complacent.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58For social urination she seldom squats,
0:38:58 > 0:39:03but balances herself on one hind leg, the other being cocked up in the air.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05A single drop will do.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08The expression on her face is business-like,
0:39:08 > 0:39:10as though she was signing a cheque.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14She attends socially to a wide range of objects,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17the commonest group being the droppings of other animals...
0:39:20 > 0:39:23..fresh horse dung having a special attraction for her
0:39:23 > 0:39:26and is always liberally sprayed.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Then she sprinkles any food that has been thrown out
0:39:31 > 0:39:37buns, bones, fish, bread...
0:39:37 > 0:39:42..vomit - unless it is food she wishes to eat.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45Dead and decaying animals are carefully attended to.
0:40:04 > 0:40:09There came a day when she suddenly added my urine
0:40:09 > 0:40:12to the other privileged objects of her social attention.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17How touched I was!
0:40:17 > 0:40:20How honoured I felt!
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Oh, Tulip!
0:40:22 > 0:40:25"Thank you," I said.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29And now she always does it,
0:40:29 > 0:40:32so I feel that, if ever there were differences between us...
0:40:32 > 0:40:34FLATULENT SQUELCHING
0:40:34 > 0:40:36..they're washed out now.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41I feel a proper dog.
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Soon after Tulip came into my possession
0:40:47 > 0:40:50I set about finding a husband for her.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53She had had a lonely and frustrated life hitherto,
0:40:53 > 0:40:54now she should have a full one.
0:40:54 > 0:41:00A full life naturally included the pleasures of sex and maternity,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03and although I could not, of course,
0:41:03 > 0:41:06accommodate a litter of puppies in my small flat,
0:41:06 > 0:41:10that was a matter to which I would give my attention later.
0:41:13 > 0:41:18Miss Canvenini provided me with the address of a Mr Blandish
0:41:18 > 0:41:22who lived in Cheam and owned a good Alsatian named Max
0:41:22 > 0:41:24whom he was willing to lend.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30BARKING
0:41:35 > 0:41:38Max was then revealed as a heavy, handsome dog
0:41:38 > 0:41:42with the grave deportment of the old family retainer.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44When I was invited into the sitting-room...
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Show the gentleman in, Max.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49..he kept me under close surveillance
0:41:54 > 0:41:58The house and its management clearly belonged to him.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01To have offered him any kind of familiarity, it was plain,
0:42:01 > 0:42:04would have been as shocking a breach of etiquette
0:42:04 > 0:42:07as if one had attempted to stroke the butler.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Matches!
0:42:18 > 0:42:22Matches! Are there no matches in the house?!
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Oh, never mind, I think I've got some.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Thank you, Max.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36HE LAUGHS
0:42:38 > 0:42:42Then will this be his first experience of, um...
0:42:42 > 0:42:45..with the opposite sex?
0:42:45 > 0:42:49I've been told there might be some difficulties, unless, uh...
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Oh, you needn't worry about that.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Max knows his oats all right!
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Oh, he's been married before, then?
0:43:01 > 0:43:05He's never been churched, it's true, but when we were down in the country
0:43:05 > 0:43:08a couple of years ago, he happened upon a stray bitch in heat -
0:43:08 > 0:43:10not at all a classy one either -
0:43:10 > 0:43:15and had his wicked way with her on the spot.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18He'll be delighted to repeat the performance with Tulip,
0:43:18 > 0:43:20I can assure you!
0:43:26 > 0:43:29Oh, then, well, it was only that...
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Leave it all to me!
0:43:32 > 0:43:35I've got a very reliable little book -
0:43:35 > 0:43:38not that Max will need to look anything up in it.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41GROWLING
0:43:42 > 0:43:47It's all right, Max, the gentleman has permission.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50In case you took the wrong hat!
0:43:50 > 0:43:51HE LAUGHS
0:43:52 > 0:43:57A formal introduction was effected a few days later.
0:43:57 > 0:44:01The sound of Max's throaty rumble as we advanced up the driveway
0:44:01 > 0:44:05announced that he was on duty, and the opening door disclosed him
0:44:05 > 0:44:09planted squarely on the threshold as before.
0:44:09 > 0:44:13But, no sooner had Max approached Tulip in the most affable manner,
0:44:13 > 0:44:16than she rounded vigorously upon him and drove him
0:44:16 > 0:44:18down the passage into the pantry.
0:44:18 > 0:44:20SMASHING GLASS
0:44:24 > 0:44:26The Blandishes took no offence.
0:44:28 > 0:44:35Mr Blandish, "I see she is quite the sweet and proper little bitch..."
0:44:35 > 0:44:37HE LAUGHS
0:44:37 > 0:44:42..I can see them get along famously together when her time comes.
0:44:44 > 0:44:48More chuckles and winks at Mrs B.
0:44:48 > 0:44:50I could not help wondering
0:44:50 > 0:44:53from what source of knowledge such optimism derived.
0:45:48 > 0:45:51That should be between her seventh and ninth day.
0:45:51 > 0:45:54His index finger knowingly pointing to heaven.
0:45:54 > 0:45:58The nuptials shall take place in the back garden.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Pointing at my tie.
0:46:00 > 0:46:05"My own information says a later day," I venture to remark,
0:46:05 > 0:46:08"And that the second week might be better."
0:46:08 > 0:46:11But he firmly replied that I was mistaken
0:46:11 > 0:46:14and I could safely leave matters to his judgment.
0:46:14 > 0:46:17I then suggested that they might be exercised together
0:46:17 > 0:46:18between now and then.
0:46:18 > 0:46:20What a good idea!
0:46:20 > 0:46:22Cried Mrs Blandish.
0:46:22 > 0:46:25But her husband was instantly and flatly opposed.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28It was Mrs Blandish who took Max for walks
0:46:28 > 0:46:30while he himself was at work
0:46:30 > 0:46:33and he would not permit her to have any part in this business,
0:46:33 > 0:46:35at any rate in his absence.
0:46:35 > 0:46:39When we left, Max was again withdrawn from hiding to say goodbye to Tulip.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44His other wife bit him in the shoulder
0:46:44 > 0:46:47but he won't at all mind a few more bites
0:46:47 > 0:46:50when his time with Tulip comes!
0:46:50 > 0:46:54He said this with such gusto that I glanced again
0:46:54 > 0:46:56involuntarily at Mrs Blandish,
0:46:56 > 0:47:02who was smiling roguishly at him with her small, even teeth.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37Dear Tulip chose to come to heat
0:47:37 > 0:47:40in the midst of the most arctic winter
0:47:40 > 0:47:44this chilly country had suffered for 50 years.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47But it was my first experience of her in this condition
0:47:47 > 0:47:49and I was enchanted.
0:47:52 > 0:47:56I was touched by the mysterious process at work within her
0:47:56 > 0:48:00and felt very sweet towards her.
0:48:00 > 0:48:04That small dark bud - her vulva - became swollen
0:48:04 > 0:48:07and more noticeable as she walked ahead of me,
0:48:07 > 0:48:11and sometimes it would set up a tickle or some other sensation,
0:48:11 > 0:48:15for she would suddenly squat down on the road and fall to licking it.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07Tulip is still bleeding, I'm afraid.
0:49:07 > 0:49:09Oh, not to worry.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11HE LAUGHS
0:49:11 > 0:49:13HE SNIFFS
0:49:13 > 0:49:15BARKING
0:49:15 > 0:49:18Never mind!
0:49:18 > 0:49:20Everything will be quite all right
0:49:20 > 0:49:22after we leave them alone together in the garden.
0:49:24 > 0:49:27They'll get down to business in no time.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29THEY LAUGH
0:49:29 > 0:49:30Yes, yes.
0:49:32 > 0:49:34Everything will be quite all right.
0:49:39 > 0:49:42POURING AND CROCKERY RATTLING
0:49:53 > 0:49:57The end of this fiasco will already be apparent.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00Max was propelled by Tulip back into the house
0:50:00 > 0:50:05and so it was that this marked the end of Mr Blandish's indulgence
0:50:05 > 0:50:07and our visit.
0:50:07 > 0:50:12"You bad girl." I said to Tulip, as we trudged away through the snow.
0:50:12 > 0:50:15But she was now, when she had me back to herself,
0:50:15 > 0:50:20in her most disarming mood, and as soon as we were home
0:50:20 > 0:50:22she attempted to bestow upon my leg
0:50:22 > 0:50:27all the love that the pusillanimous Max had been denied.
0:50:39 > 0:50:42Miss Canvenini informed me
0:50:42 > 0:50:45that mating dogs was not always a simple matter,
0:50:45 > 0:50:49and added the belated information that when they were inexperienced
0:50:49 > 0:50:53the application of a little Vaseline to the bitch sometimes helped
0:50:53 > 0:50:58to excite and define the interest, besides acting as a lubricant.
0:50:58 > 0:51:01She then put me in touch with a Mr Plum,
0:51:01 > 0:51:04who owned a well-kept Alsatian off Putney Hill.
0:51:05 > 0:51:09"Now do be serious!" I said to Tulip.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11I rang Mr Plum's bell.
0:51:11 > 0:51:13BELL RINGS
0:51:13 > 0:51:16He at once emerged and led us to the garage.
0:51:20 > 0:51:24"Nice dog," I said, "What's his name?
0:51:24 > 0:51:26"Chum," said Mr Plum.
0:51:26 > 0:51:28BARKING
0:51:30 > 0:51:33Mr Plum looks at his watch.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35SNARLING
0:51:37 > 0:51:40GROWLING
0:51:43 > 0:51:46SNARLING AND BARKING
0:51:48 > 0:51:51"Perhaps Tulip would concentrate better if we left them alone,"
0:51:51 > 0:51:53suggested Mr Plum.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01He looks at his watch again.
0:52:01 > 0:52:04"Mrs Plum has a cup of tea for us in the flat,"
0:52:04 > 0:52:06Mr Plum added, glancing at his watch.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12WHINING
0:52:19 > 0:52:23Two cups of tea were already poured. I took mine up.
0:52:23 > 0:52:26It was not tepid, it was cold!
0:52:26 > 0:52:30The striking thing about Mrs Plum's kitchen was its cleanliness.
0:52:30 > 0:52:34The kitchen was more like a model Ideal Home exhibition
0:52:34 > 0:52:36than a room actually in use.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39Mrs Plum stood in its perfect centre
0:52:39 > 0:52:43holding in her arms the most doll-like baby I ever saw.
0:52:43 > 0:52:46I congratulated Mrs Plum on the beauty of her kitchen
0:52:46 > 0:52:48and added that it was a marvel
0:52:48 > 0:52:51to keep a place so clean when it contained a dog.
0:52:51 > 0:52:56She answered in a grave voice that Chum was not allowed into the house
0:52:56 > 0:52:58because dog's make things dirty.
0:53:01 > 0:53:03Tulip was exactly where we had left her.
0:53:07 > 0:53:11I smeared her lavishly with Vaseline and tried to hold her still
0:53:11 > 0:53:16while Mr Plum strove to guide Chum to a more accurate aim.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20BARKING It was all of no use.
0:53:20 > 0:53:25I realised that our efforts to please had turned into cruelty
0:53:25 > 0:53:27and said we must stop.
0:53:27 > 0:53:32Could it be, as Mr Plum suggested, that she might relax more
0:53:32 > 0:53:35if the action was transferred to my own flat?
0:53:37 > 0:53:40Tulip greeted Chum with infantile pleasure
0:53:40 > 0:53:45and at once instituted nursery games, chasing him, or being chased by him,
0:53:45 > 0:53:50in and out of my flat, scattering newspapers like leaves in the wind.
0:53:50 > 0:53:53Chum still found her attractive
0:53:53 > 0:53:57but of sexual interest on her side there was no sign.
0:53:57 > 0:54:01Later on, we took them out for a walk together on Putney Common.
0:54:01 > 0:54:03What was Tulip trying to tell us?
0:54:03 > 0:54:08Had I brought her to Max too early and to Chum too late?
0:54:08 > 0:54:11Was neither dog personally acceptable to her?
0:54:11 > 0:54:15Or was her devotion to myself all the love she needed?
0:54:15 > 0:54:18PANTING
0:54:21 > 0:54:25Here, Chum! Good boy. Come here, boy!
0:54:25 > 0:54:29Come here, I say! Will you do as your told?!
0:54:29 > 0:54:30CHUM!
0:54:30 > 0:54:34I thought Chum was going to be like that. I don't like to blame him.
0:54:34 > 0:54:37We've had some jolly good hikes together but of course,
0:54:37 > 0:54:40when you're married, you've got other people to consider,
0:54:40 > 0:54:46and it's natural that the wife should want one's company too.
0:54:46 > 0:54:50'But I had left off listening to Mr Plum's sorrowful reflections.
0:54:50 > 0:54:53'Cutting across our path was a curious figure
0:54:53 > 0:54:55'who instantly caught my attention.'
0:55:21 > 0:55:25I wouldn't be surprised if she's a barren bitch.
0:55:25 > 0:55:28Too nervous and 'ighly strung for my liking.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31Now, if it 'adn't been a Sunday
0:55:31 > 0:55:34and me 'aving the young lad with me an' all,
0:55:34 > 0:55:39I wouldn't 'ave minded unleashing one of me own dogs on 'er, 'ere an' now.
0:55:39 > 0:55:43They'd soon find out if she's a barren bitch or not!
0:55:43 > 0:55:46There aren't many people about.
0:55:46 > 0:55:50Can't we go over into those bushes? No-one would see us there.
0:55:50 > 0:55:52I'd 'ave been pleased to try
0:55:52 > 0:55:55but I couldn't in front of the young lad.
0:55:56 > 0:56:01Did you give 'er a lead at all? You, know, prompt 'er like?
0:56:01 > 0:56:04There's ways of stimulating 'em up.
0:56:04 > 0:56:08- Vaseline?- Ah, you knew about that.
0:56:08 > 0:56:13I wouldn't 'ave minded demonstrating it on one of me own dogs,
0:56:13 > 0:56:16if it 'adn't been for the presence of the young lad.
0:56:16 > 0:56:20I had by now conceived so intense a dislike for this sickly-faced youth
0:56:20 > 0:56:23who looked as though there was little he did not already know
0:56:23 > 0:56:25about the art of self-stimulation,
0:56:25 > 0:56:28that I could hardly keep the venom out of my gaze
0:56:28 > 0:56:33and asked irritably whether he could not be sent for a walk by himself.
0:56:35 > 0:56:38The desire to instruct is a powerful one
0:56:38 > 0:56:41and our lecturer could not resist it.
0:56:41 > 0:56:44He accordingly sent the boy off with one of the dogs,
0:56:44 > 0:56:46and then, after a cautious look around,
0:56:46 > 0:56:50demonstrated upon the remaining animal what transpires
0:56:50 > 0:56:54when one exerts a slight warming pressure on its member.
0:56:55 > 0:56:59What occurred then requires no further enlarging upon
0:56:59 > 0:57:05and that was the end of my attempt to marry Tulip that season.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19I had a lot of trouble with the local dogs,
0:57:19 > 0:57:21far more than I had had in the winter.
0:57:21 > 0:57:23It became quite a puzzle to know
0:57:23 > 0:57:27where to exercise Tulip when she was in heat.
0:57:28 > 0:57:29The only fault I could find
0:57:29 > 0:57:32was that she was apt to spread the news of her condition
0:57:32 > 0:57:35by sprinkling the doorstep on her way in and out,
0:57:35 > 0:57:39which brought all the neighbouring dogs along in a trice
0:57:39 > 0:57:43to hang hopefully about the building for the rest of her season.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46Thereafter, her walks became as harassed
0:57:46 > 0:57:49as are the attempts of film stars
0:57:49 > 0:57:52to leave the Savoy Hotel undetected by reporters.
0:57:52 > 0:57:57Stealth, therefore, was an essential preliminary to success.
0:57:59 > 0:58:02A single bark would undo us now.
0:58:11 > 0:58:12BARKING
0:58:14 > 0:58:19Dogs would materialise out of the very air and come racing towards us.
0:58:19 > 0:58:22Some were so small that by no stroke of luck
0:58:22 > 0:58:26could they possibly achieve their high ambition.
0:58:26 > 0:58:29Some were so old and arthritic they could hardly hobble along.
0:58:29 > 0:58:31Yet all deserted hearth and home
0:58:31 > 0:58:35and skirmished after us so far that I often wondered
0:58:35 > 0:58:40whether those who dropped out ever managed to return home.
0:58:40 > 0:58:44Well, then I lost my temper. Scram! Shoo! Piss off!
0:58:44 > 0:58:48I took to pelting the dauntless creatures with sticks and clods
0:58:48 > 0:58:51but Tulip instantly flew off to retrieve them
0:58:51 > 0:58:55and returned with sundry dogs clinging to her bottom.
0:58:55 > 0:58:57With all the intelligence gone out of her eyes,
0:58:57 > 0:58:59she would reach a point of frenzy,
0:58:59 > 0:59:01tearing my clothes or my flesh with her teeth.
0:59:06 > 0:59:09Most of our walks, therefore, ended in bad humour
0:59:09 > 0:59:11and I was thankful to get home,
0:59:11 > 0:59:14safely out of reach of our oppressors,
0:59:14 > 0:59:17who being unable to rise above themselves in any other way,
0:59:17 > 0:59:19remained where they were.
0:59:22 > 0:59:24There was one mongrel in my district
0:59:24 > 0:59:28to whom Tulip was so devoted that it was quite a romance.
0:59:28 > 0:59:31He was a very small and rather wooden terrier,
0:59:31 > 0:59:32with a mean little face,
0:59:32 > 0:59:36and I had only to pronounce his name, which was Watney,
0:59:36 > 0:59:39for her to prick up her ears and lead me excitedly
0:59:39 > 0:59:42to the public house in which he lived.
0:59:42 > 0:59:47The publican would let the little dog out and Tulip would greet him
0:59:47 > 0:59:51with all her prettiest demonstrations of pleasure.
0:59:51 > 0:59:54Every now and then she would place a paw on his back,
0:59:54 > 0:59:57as though to hold him still for contemplation.
0:59:57 > 0:59:59What she saw, or smelt,
0:59:59 > 1:00:02in this dreary little dog I never could understand.
1:00:07 > 1:00:10During her heats, he practically lived on our doorsteps
1:00:10 > 1:00:12and when she appeared,
1:00:12 > 1:00:15clung like a barnacle to one of her hind legs,
1:00:15 > 1:00:18while she patiently stood and allowed him to do with her
1:00:18 > 1:00:21as he would and could...or could not.
1:00:21 > 1:00:25But when, in the long intervals between, she visited him in his pub,
1:00:25 > 1:00:29he never found for her more than a moment to spare.
1:00:29 > 1:00:32Having ascertained, with a sniff, that there was nothing doing,
1:00:32 > 1:00:35he would retire stiffly to his duties behind the bar.
1:00:37 > 1:00:39"Never mind, Tulip dear," I would say,
1:00:39 > 1:00:42"It's the way of the world, I fear."
1:00:42 > 1:00:46The nicest thing for her, therefore, it seemed to me,
1:00:46 > 1:00:49would be to find her an Alsatian Watney.
1:01:01 > 1:01:05"I have rented a bungalow in Sussex for the summer.
1:01:05 > 1:01:07"Owner accepts dogs.
1:01:07 > 1:01:09"No need to look further
1:01:09 > 1:01:13"if you are in search of holiday accommodation. N."
1:01:14 > 1:01:18"I've fixed up Tulip's love affairs here in London.
1:01:18 > 1:01:20"Can't possibly make it. Joe."
1:01:28 > 1:01:31"None of your dogs could possibly be as good as Mountjoy
1:01:31 > 1:01:36"and Mrs Tudor-Smith is frightfully keen on the marriage. N."
1:01:36 > 1:01:39Now, this was Nancy's trump card.
1:01:39 > 1:01:44Mountjoy belongs to some people a little further down Witchball Lane.
1:01:44 > 1:01:48He is an Alsatian of such ancient and aristocratic ancestry
1:01:48 > 1:01:50that Mrs Tudor-Smith has been heard to declare
1:01:50 > 1:01:55that his genealogy went back even further than her own did.
1:01:55 > 1:01:57"I have often seen him just outside
1:01:57 > 1:02:01"the gates of Badgers' Holt where he resided.
1:02:01 > 1:02:05"He always seems to stand in the classic show-dog attitude,
1:02:05 > 1:02:08"as though he had invented it, and he perpetually
1:02:08 > 1:02:12"poses for cameras that he must believe are somewhere about.
1:02:12 > 1:02:15"If he has ever emitted any sound louder than a yawn,
1:02:15 > 1:02:20"I have not heard it, certainly nothing so coarse as a bark.
1:02:21 > 1:02:24"Dear Nancy, I have an urgent business matter
1:02:24 > 1:02:28"which might require my presence in London over the summer."
1:02:29 > 1:02:31"If you want a second string,
1:02:31 > 1:02:35"Colonel Finch says you can have Gunner whenever you like. N."
1:02:37 > 1:02:39We went.
1:02:39 > 1:02:42BARKING
1:02:43 > 1:02:45Well, we're here, aren't we?
1:02:45 > 1:02:47But you've no idea of the difficulties ahead.
1:02:47 > 1:02:50You couldn't possibly cope.
1:02:50 > 1:02:52You're exaggerating.
1:02:52 > 1:02:54If you can cope, so can I.
1:02:56 > 1:03:00Tulip entered her heat on the first day of June
1:03:00 > 1:03:05and within a few days, Mon Repos was in a state of siege.
1:03:05 > 1:03:09Nancy began by thinking this rather amusing,
1:03:09 > 1:03:14and she found the little Scotties and Sealyhams who came to call "sweet".
1:03:16 > 1:03:20She found it less amusing when they accumulated and camped out all night,
1:03:20 > 1:03:24quarrelling and whining, among the Seven Dwarfs.
1:03:24 > 1:03:27Nancy found it less amusing still when she took Tulip for walks
1:03:27 > 1:03:29and fell into the error I had made
1:03:29 > 1:03:31of attempting to beat off her escort,
1:03:31 > 1:03:34which resulted in a torrent of complaints
1:03:34 > 1:03:40amongst the locals that she had been seen in torn clothes and flesh.
1:03:40 > 1:03:44CHURCH MUSIC PLAYS
1:03:50 > 1:03:53Tulip, therefore, was not taken out at all.
1:03:53 > 1:03:55All windows presented her
1:03:55 > 1:03:59with the spectacle of a dozen or so of her male friends waiting outside.
1:03:59 > 1:04:02She barked at them incessantly.
1:04:02 > 1:04:04They barked back.
1:04:04 > 1:04:05She would break into song.
1:04:05 > 1:04:08The expensive curtains were all in tatters.
1:04:08 > 1:04:11Soon they forced their way in at several points
1:04:11 > 1:04:16and my sister and I engaged in ejecting dogs of all shapes and sizes
1:04:16 > 1:04:19from dining room, sun parlour
1:04:19 > 1:04:22and even in the night from our bedrooms.
1:04:22 > 1:04:25I've never seen such scruffy articles!
1:04:25 > 1:04:27You're an absolute disgrace!
1:04:27 > 1:04:31Go on! Sod off! Bugger off home!
1:04:31 > 1:04:34Get back to your slums!
1:04:34 > 1:04:37You're not 'er class.
1:04:37 > 1:04:41Oh, damn an' blast the dogs.
1:04:43 > 1:04:45Joe!
1:04:46 > 1:04:47Joe!
1:04:49 > 1:04:52For God's sake, Joe!
1:04:54 > 1:04:58Tulip had not seen much of Mountjoy during her wooing week.
1:04:58 > 1:05:02The Tudor-Smiths thought it undesirable
1:05:02 > 1:05:05that he should mix in such low company.
1:05:05 > 1:05:09But now was the appropriate time and she was pleased to see him.
1:05:09 > 1:05:14As soon as he made his wishes clear, she allowed him to mount her.
1:05:14 > 1:05:17But, for some reason, he failed to achieve his purpose.
1:05:17 > 1:05:22His stabs, it looked to me, did not quite reach her.
1:05:22 > 1:05:24After a little, she disengaged herself
1:05:24 > 1:05:26and began to flirt in front of him.
1:05:26 > 1:05:30But he had graver ends in view. Again she stood.
1:05:30 > 1:05:33This time he appeared to have moved further forward
1:05:33 > 1:05:37but now she gave a nervous cry and escaped from him once more.
1:05:40 > 1:05:44They tried again and again. The same thing always happened.
1:05:48 > 1:05:52It was sorrow to watch them trying to know each other and always failing,
1:05:52 > 1:05:56until she would have no more to do with him and drove him away.
1:05:58 > 1:06:02Who would have supposed that mating a bitch could be so baffling a problem?
1:06:08 > 1:06:10I sent for the local vet.
1:06:10 > 1:06:12Next morning he came and stood with me
1:06:12 > 1:06:16while the animals repeated their futile and exhausting antics.
1:06:19 > 1:06:21It's the dog's fault.
1:06:21 > 1:06:25His foreskin is too tight, you know.
1:06:25 > 1:06:26He can't draw her.
1:06:26 > 1:06:30That's a disability that could have been corrected when he was a puppy.
1:06:30 > 1:06:32He's a rig dog too.
1:06:32 > 1:06:35He has an undescended testicle.
1:06:35 > 1:06:39That's a serious disqualification in mating.
1:06:40 > 1:06:42- Eh?- Er...
1:06:45 > 1:06:48- WHINING - Off with you!
1:06:48 > 1:06:51There was nothing now to be done but to bundle Tulip
1:06:51 > 1:06:53and convey her to Mon Repos.
1:06:56 > 1:06:58HUMMING
1:06:58 > 1:07:01# Human beings are prudes and bores. #
1:07:06 > 1:07:09We re-entered her taxi and were driven back.
1:07:17 > 1:07:19Dusk was now falling.
1:07:19 > 1:07:22I restored her to the ravaged back garden
1:07:22 > 1:07:24and it was while I stood with her there
1:07:24 > 1:07:30that the dog next door emerged through what remained of the fence.
1:07:30 > 1:07:33He hung there in the failing light, half in, half out,
1:07:33 > 1:07:37his attention fixed warily upon me.
1:07:37 > 1:07:40He was a disreputable, dirty ragamuffin.
1:07:41 > 1:07:43I smiled at him.
1:07:45 > 1:07:50"Well, there you are, old girl," I said to Tulip.
1:07:50 > 1:07:54"Take it or leave it. It's up to you."
1:07:54 > 1:07:56I knew my intervention was at an end.
1:08:20 > 1:08:23Tulip gazed at me in horror and appeal.
1:08:23 > 1:08:26Heavens, I thought, this is love?
1:08:26 > 1:08:28These are the pleasures of sex?
1:08:29 > 1:08:33It was a full half hour before nature released Dusty,
1:08:33 > 1:08:34who instantly fled,
1:08:34 > 1:08:38and it was more as though she had been freed
1:08:38 > 1:08:43from some dire situation of peril than from the embraces of love.
1:08:47 > 1:08:52The following day, a car was summoned to take us to the station.
1:08:52 > 1:08:55When all was ready for immediate departure -
1:08:55 > 1:08:59the engine running, the car door open - I emerged
1:08:59 > 1:09:02from the ruined bungalow with Tulip on the lead
1:09:02 > 1:09:07and ran the gauntlet of dogs down the garden path.
1:09:07 > 1:09:10They pursued us in a pack so far down the country lanes
1:09:10 > 1:09:13that I was suddenly terrified that the more pertinacious
1:09:13 > 1:09:17would gain the station and invade the train.
1:09:17 > 1:09:19The scene had the quality of a nightmare.
1:09:19 > 1:09:23But the car outstripped them all at last and we got safely away.
1:09:25 > 1:09:28BARKING
1:09:33 > 1:09:35Tulip was not a barren bitch.
1:09:39 > 1:09:43Later on, when she got heavier, I set about designing a box for her.
1:09:48 > 1:09:52I asked Miss Canvenini to be on hand in case we needed her.
1:09:55 > 1:09:57But Tulip took us unawares.
1:09:59 > 1:10:02She whelped five days before her scheduled time
1:10:02 > 1:10:06and was alone in my flat when her labour began.
1:10:06 > 1:10:07She was in her box.
1:10:07 > 1:10:10She had understood its purpose after all.
1:10:10 > 1:10:11She was panting.
1:10:11 > 1:10:16A tiny sound, like the distant mewing of gulls, came from the box.
1:10:16 > 1:10:18I knew Tulip was glad that I was there.
1:10:18 > 1:10:21Nevertheless, I did not approach her.
1:10:21 > 1:10:24I could not see well but I knew what was happening
1:10:24 > 1:10:26and I heard her tongue and teeth at work.
1:10:26 > 1:10:29She was nosing this package out of herself,
1:10:29 > 1:10:31severing the umbilical cord,
1:10:31 > 1:10:34releasing the tiny creature from its tissues
1:10:34 > 1:10:36and eating up the after-birth.
1:10:40 > 1:10:42I was in awe of this beautiful animal.
1:10:42 > 1:10:45In the midst of her life,
1:10:45 > 1:10:47performing unerringly upon herself
1:10:47 > 1:10:50the delicate and complicated business of creation,
1:10:50 > 1:10:53as though directed by some divine wisdom.
1:10:53 > 1:10:57She produced eight puppies at half-hourly intervals
1:10:57 > 1:11:00and was not done until evening fell.
1:11:03 > 1:11:07When it was plain that she had finished, I went and kissed her.
1:11:09 > 1:11:12She allowed me to touch and lift her babies.
1:11:12 > 1:11:16She had complete confidence in me that I would not hurt them.
1:11:16 > 1:11:18It was misplaced.
1:11:21 > 1:11:25As soon as my common senses returned and I envisaged a future
1:11:25 > 1:11:27that contained eight extra dogs...
1:11:29 > 1:11:32..I prepared a bucket of water and a flour sack
1:11:32 > 1:11:36weighted with such heavy objects as I could lay my hands on.
1:11:36 > 1:11:38How could I distract proud Tulip's attention
1:11:38 > 1:11:41while I carried out my dark deed?
1:11:43 > 1:11:46Suddenly, she hurried out into the sitting room
1:11:46 > 1:11:50as though making for my terrace, which was her customary latrine.
1:11:53 > 1:11:59For the first time in her life, she had deliberately fouled my flat.
1:11:59 > 1:12:03But I was not thinking of that as I mopped it all up.
1:12:03 > 1:12:06I was thinking how sadly bedraggled and thin she had appeared
1:12:06 > 1:12:09in the brief glimpse I had of her.
1:12:09 > 1:12:13The bucket and flower sack were fated not to be used as first intended,
1:12:13 > 1:12:16though looking back now over the years,
1:12:16 > 1:12:18it might have been better if they had been.
1:12:21 > 1:12:26And as I watched upon my terrace the unfolding of these affectionate, helpless lives,
1:12:26 > 1:12:29I hoped to put the creatures out
1:12:29 > 1:12:31among adult, educated and prosperous people,
1:12:31 > 1:12:34but my hopes were not realised.
1:12:35 > 1:12:39My landlord, understandably, had told me to get my animals,
1:12:39 > 1:12:41or myself, out of the place at once.
1:12:41 > 1:12:45The puppies went one by one to whomsoever would take them.
1:12:46 > 1:12:49How well did I do for them?
1:12:49 > 1:12:53I did in the end what I had meant not to do - I cast them to fortune.
1:12:53 > 1:12:54I had flown too high.
1:12:56 > 1:13:00Health and happiness cannot be secured
1:13:00 > 1:13:02and the only way to avoid the onus of responsibility
1:13:02 > 1:13:06for the lives of animals is never to traffic in them at all.
1:13:06 > 1:13:10I gave one puppy to a shopkeeper friend who offered to find him a home.
1:13:10 > 1:13:13He was sold over the counter. To whom? I never discovered.
1:13:13 > 1:13:16What happened to him? I don't know.
1:13:16 > 1:13:19The owner of one said it had been too difficult to house-train.
1:13:19 > 1:13:22The owner of another, a labourer and, alas, a drinker,
1:13:22 > 1:13:26spun a long story to account for its disappearance.
1:13:26 > 1:13:31The impulse to follow up their small destinies soon weakened.
1:13:31 > 1:13:32Hmm. Better not to know.
1:13:38 > 1:13:43Whatever blunders I may have committed in my management of my animal's life,
1:13:43 > 1:13:48she lived on to the great age of sixteen-and-a-half.
1:13:48 > 1:13:52I was a bit drained in spirit when Tulip came into my hands
1:13:52 > 1:13:58and the 15 years she lived with me turned into the happiest of my life.
1:13:58 > 1:14:02She entered my life when I was quite over 50
1:14:02 > 1:14:04and she entirely transformed it.
1:14:06 > 1:14:09She offered me what I had never found in my life with humans -
1:14:09 > 1:14:14constant, single-hearted, incorruptible, uncritical devotion,
1:14:14 > 1:14:19which it is in the nature of dogs to offer.
1:14:19 > 1:14:22She placed herself entirely under my control.
1:14:22 > 1:14:25Looking at her sometimes in her later years,
1:14:25 > 1:14:28I used to think that the ideal friend, whom I no longer wanted,
1:14:28 > 1:14:33perhaps never wanted, would have had the mind of my Tulip,
1:14:33 > 1:14:39always at one's service through the devotion of a faithful and uncritical beast.
1:14:39 > 1:14:41Are not all human contacts based upon
1:14:41 > 1:14:46one person's wish to claim the affairs of another?
1:14:46 > 1:14:50Everyone, it seems, wishes everyone else different from what they are.
1:15:09 > 1:15:11Joe!
1:15:13 > 1:15:15Joe! Joe!
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