0:00:02 > 0:00:05SHOP MUSIC: "Jingle Bells"
0:00:10 > 0:00:13AUTOMATED VOICE: Ho, ho, ho!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Hello, children,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18this is Father Christmas speaking.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Welcome to my Christmas sweet factory
0:00:20 > 0:00:25where my little helpers make all those lovely tasty sweets
0:00:25 > 0:00:28that go into your Christmas stocking.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Watch how it's done.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35First of all they fill the special sweet-making machine
0:00:35 > 0:00:39with sugar. And then they add all the other lovely mixtures that
0:00:39 > 0:00:43help make up your favourite sweets.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Here you can see some of my little helpers...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50CHOIR SINGING: "God Rest You, Merry Gentlemen."
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# Remember Christ our saviour
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# Was born on Christmas day
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# To save us all from Satan's power
0:00:59 > 0:01:02# When we were gone astray
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# Oh tidings of comfort and joy
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# Comfort and joy
0:01:07 > 0:01:10# Oh tidings of comfort and joy...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33# Oh tidings of comfort and joy
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# Comfort and joy
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# Oh tidings of comfort and joy... #
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Thank you.- Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17BRASS BAND PLAYS
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- You'll be the death of me, Maddy. - Shut up and get the car.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33You're going bald, it must be nerves.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Thank you.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- Shit, these are all size large. - You've got to stop it, Maddy,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- I can't stand the strain. - Stay home, then.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44If you've got to steal things then at least be practical.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47We needed onions, we did not need more Christmas lights.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49You buy the food, I'll get the goodies.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Please don't smoke in the car, Maddy.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Stop it. Stop it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11Maddy, have you any idea what a burning cigarette can do to velour upholstery?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15I can live with the pollution, but you're becoming a fire hazard, too, and that's the problem.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- SHE SINGS - Look, don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about the car,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I can live with that, it's your own safety that concerns me.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23SHE WHISTLES
0:03:25 > 0:03:27HE SINGS IN BACKGROUND
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Hm, very, very nice, thank you, Maddy.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Mwah!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39But why the four sets of Christmas lights?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I want to have lots of lights on the tree.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Well, we can always use the other two sets as spares.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- No, they all go on the tree.- OK.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Do you want to go out tonight?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57No.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Do you want to eat?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Later.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Do you want to wrap Auntie Betty's handbag?
0:04:06 > 0:04:07- CHUCKLING:- No.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- WHISPERING:- No.- No.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No...?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- No, no...?- No, no...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Mmmmm...
0:04:18 > 0:04:20SHE CHUCKLES
0:04:20 > 0:04:24HE HUMS TO THE MUSIC ON STEREO
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Mmmm!- What time is it, Alan?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Christmas time, I think. Mm-hm.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31MUSIC: "Love Over Gold" by Dire Straits
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Just a wee something.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36# Just to see what you will find... #
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Cheers.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Maddy, I think it's time we took some of the price tags
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- off these things, isn't it?- Why?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I think there was some tags in the olives.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- OK.- What are you doing, are you collecting them, or what?
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I am, yeah. Get a Ford Fiesta.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05THEY CHUCKLE
0:05:05 > 0:05:08CROCKERY CLINKING
0:05:09 > 0:05:11You sure you don't want to go out, Maddy?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- It's only eight.- No.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Maddy...?
0:06:01 > 0:06:02What are you up to?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I'm leavin'.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Alan, I'm taking some things and...
0:06:11 > 0:06:12my things,
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and I'm leavin'.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I meant to tell you ages ago, but the moment didn't arise.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I have to go. I wanted to talk to you about it, but...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- ..it just didn't happen. - Maddy, please...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Sit down, we can talk about it now. - It's too late.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29George is coming over soon, he's, er...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31he's hired a truck.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I meant to tell you ages ago.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Your sister set this up, didn't she?
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- It's your crazy sister.- No, it's me!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41I'm doing it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I asked George to help me move out, that...that's all.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45DOORBELL RINGS
0:06:51 > 0:06:53VOICES IN BACKGROUND
0:06:59 > 0:07:02No, it'll be all right, it'll be finished quicker than you think.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Evening, Alan, all right...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06MAN WHISTLES
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- All right.- Good evening.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Er, fellas, if you could go through here...? - Aye, sure, sure.- Nae bother.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- There's a table and some chairs. - We'll make a start.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Are you quite serious about this, then, Maddy?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Look, I'm really sorry about this, Alan.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I'm just helping out.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24No hard feelings, eh? I mean it's just, it's just...women.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26George, there's some more chairs in the kitchen.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Right, right, Maddy. - Maddy, baby, please. Talk to me.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- Stay and talk to me. - Oh, don't let's drag it out, Alan.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Don't be cruel.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Nice chair.- Aye.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Sorry.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- Maddy!- Please stop this, Alan. You're not making it easy.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52You don't make anything easy.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56MEN WHISTLE
0:07:59 > 0:08:01All right, leave the book, I'm reading it.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Eh? Just leave that book, I'm reading it.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Oh, put it in the box, please. It's my book.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I'm halfway through it, could you just leave the damn book?!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- You didn't buy it. - Neither did you buy it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Well, it's mine.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Oh, right, well, that's my sweater, if it comes down to it,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- so...give me the sweater. - Oh, you're upset, don't be childish.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21If I'm a child then you're a... thief!
0:08:23 > 0:08:24I only wanted it as a keepsake.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28But if you feel that strongly about it you can have it.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Have the book too, with my compliments.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Oh...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I don't want to do this, you know. I don't know why I'm doing it.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- I don't want to do it. - Well, it's very good of you, Alan.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- I mean, very good. No, no, no, down. Right. - Easy with the handle.- Right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07So you really, really want to leave then, eh?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You really want to go...
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- now? Leave?- Yeah.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Phoo... It's a bit of a shock.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I know.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22HE SHIVERS
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I wanted to get the lights on the tree for you, before I left.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Well, come upstairs and do that, then, eh?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31No. You do it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Don't leave it bare.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Can I drive you anywhere?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45No. I'll go with George.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Be good.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58DOOR SHUTS
0:09:58 > 0:09:59ENGINE STARTS
0:10:28 > 0:10:31ALARM BEEPS
0:10:31 > 0:10:34HE GROANS
0:10:34 > 0:10:36ALARM STOPS
0:10:36 > 0:10:38MELANCHOLY SAXOPHONE MUSIC
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Oi.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02BIRDS CAW
0:11:02 > 0:11:03HE MOUTHS
0:11:15 > 0:11:18MILK BOTTLES CLINK
0:11:21 > 0:11:25JINGLE: # It's six o'clock in the morning... #
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Morning, Moira. - Good morning, Dicky.
0:11:27 > 0:11:34# 261, we bring you the national news on the hour... #
0:11:36 > 0:11:40This is the six o'clock news headlines with Peter Porter reporting.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42More fighting has broken out in Burunda, West Africa.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Rival guerrilla groups are claiming victory over President Mande's republican troops.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50And Radio Burunda last night announced a total curfew in the capital.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52In Washington, the Pentagon has confirmed that the US Fleet,
0:11:52 > 0:11:57at present exercising off the coast of Burunda, would continue its watching patrol.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01In the Middle East, the hoped-for settlement of fighting in Evonia has hit new obstacles.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Delegates from both sides abandoned the Christmas peace conference yesterday,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and later fresh rocket attacks took place at the capital's airport.
0:12:07 > 0:12:1127 people died before UN troops managed to stop the shelling.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15And in the Far East, 40 civilian refugees died in heavy bombing
0:12:15 > 0:12:16attacks on the island of Samato
0:12:16 > 0:12:19when the Christmas truce there broke down yesterday.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Opponents of the dictatorship government of President Barmi
0:12:22 > 0:12:25claimed the armed forces were deliberately attacking
0:12:25 > 0:12:27civilian targets as an act of provocation.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29More foreign news...
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Mamie, the giant panda recently arrived at the Moscow Zoo
0:12:32 > 0:12:35as a gift from the People's Republic of China, might just be pregnant.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Officials at the Moscow Zoo said that tests today should confirm the pregnancy.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42All this week, Mamie has been off her food
0:12:42 > 0:12:47and suffering from morning sickness. "Mamie needs peace and quiet now," said the zoo official.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And lastly, the weather for west central Scotland and the city -
0:12:50 > 0:12:53this morning will be milder than overnight, still no sign of a white Christmas,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56and some light rain might reach the area by early evening.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57The next news at seven,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00and now stand by for your daily dose of Dicky Bird...
0:13:00 > 0:13:04JINGLE: # National news on the hour... #
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Thanks for all that wonderful six o'clock news, Peter.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11You know, I keep telling him that it would be cheaper to telephone
0:13:11 > 0:13:14the early news to those half a dozen poor souls that have been
0:13:14 > 0:13:18listening to "Yawn-a-minute" Kelly all night but he won't listen to me.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20JINGLE: # Time to get up
0:13:20 > 0:13:23# Hello, Dicky. Good morning'... #
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Hello!
0:13:24 > 0:13:25# Tweet, tweet, hello!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27# Good morning' tweet, tweet... #
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Anyway, the fun starts now because Dicky Bird is here to get you up,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33get you to work or wherever it is you have be by nine.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37# Don't you know what they say about the early worm...? #
0:13:37 > 0:13:39What do they say?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41# It always gets the bird! #
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yes, it's the Dicky Bird Early Worm Show.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46HE WHISTLES
0:13:46 > 0:13:50SCOTTISH FIDDLE MUSIC
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- What up?- Hi, Steve.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- You OK?- Aye, I'm fine, I'm fine.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Keep your pecker up, eh?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06He's done it again, folks. Kelly's fallen asleep at the microphone.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I got here only just in time.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Anyway, here's a quick traffic round-up -
0:14:10 > 0:14:13there's absolutely nothing on the streets right now.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Not a car in sight, so why don't you take advantage of that?
0:14:15 > 0:14:19Get in your car and get into work straightaway, you'll be in three hours early.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23There'll be another traffic round-up at the same time tomorrow.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25And Nancy in the front office has just come in to tell me that the
0:14:25 > 0:14:28lookalike competition has captured her imagination again this week.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31A man from Paisley has just phoned in to say that his wife is
0:14:31 > 0:14:33the absolute double of Richard Nixon.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34HE CHUCKLES
0:14:34 > 0:14:37We'll believe anything that happens in Paisley, but the rules are,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39either a photograph sent to the station or why don't you
0:14:39 > 0:14:43just pop up and let Nancy check you out in person,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47and I can tell you that's a journey very, very well worth making, eh?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# Lookalike somebody famous! #
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I've just seen the very lovely Anne coming in there
0:14:53 > 0:14:55to give us the 8.30 travel round-up.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I wonder who Anne thinks she looks like.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I think there's a little touch of the Ingrid Bergman in there.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01How are you, Annie? Are you all right?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- Thank you, Dicky, yes, I'm fine. - OK, so where should we avoid
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- traffic-wise today? - Er, how about everywhere?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. I'll leave you to it, then.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Thank you. Well, Dicky, Christmas traffic is expected to be the main problem again today
0:15:15 > 0:15:17with all city-centre car parks likely to be
0:15:17 > 0:15:20filling up by mid morning, and a lot more vehicles prowling
0:15:20 > 0:15:22the streets looking for parking space, so the same old advice...
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Can you get me a line, Nancy, please?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- You can use public transport... - Thanks.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29At the moment, however, traffic is moving well on the Kingston Bridge
0:15:29 > 0:15:32despite the closure of Bothwell Street exit,
0:15:32 > 0:15:33and the tunnel northbound and southbound
0:15:33 > 0:15:35is easing off now, too.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Some delays still to be expected... - Hello, Colin.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Alan here, yeah. I'm in deep trouble, friend.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Could you come over? I'll see you at the house about 11, OK?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Anyone travelling further north should be on the lookout...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- God bless.- ..A9/M9 north of Perth.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Nothing else at the moment, so back to you, Dicky.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53# Radio... 61
0:15:53 > 0:15:55# Here on 261... #
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Oh, boy.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- She really meant business, eh? - Don't say that.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05What do you want me to say?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08That she'll be back in a day or two with her tail between her legs?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- And the piano and the dining table. - She left the washing machine, that could be a good sign, eh?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I don't see Maddy coming back for the washing machine.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Fur coat, maybe.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19She, er, didn't leave her fur coat, did she?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Was everything hers?- Hmm?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Mm-hm.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Except for the mortgage, that was mine.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Well, you know Maddy, she was always acquiring things.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34She liked acquiring things!
0:16:36 > 0:16:37What am I going to do?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Do you realise how lucky you are?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41HE CHORTLES
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Don't you see what an opportunity you have?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Many people our age would give an arm and a leg
0:16:49 > 0:16:52to able to just break out and start all over again.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54It's a new life.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56That's what you've been handed on a plate.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Look around you...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Everything here is you.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05This little table is you.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16The book there...it's you. There's nothing but you here now.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18What a chance!
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Look, you've been submerged in another person's personality.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Become a sub-person, and now you're free.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Thanks a lot.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Why didn't you tell me all this before?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Because Maddy was...
0:17:51 > 0:17:54just utterly fantastic and special.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57And you deserved as much of her as you were going to get.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01But now you've had it.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02It's your turn now.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Anyway, there was always something unreal about you two.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12You were like kids... playing and fighting.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- It was a bit of a caper, wasn't it? - No, don't say that, I worshipped her.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23That's not the nicest thing you can do to somebody, is it? I hope you don't worship me.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24No!
0:18:24 > 0:18:25You're my friend.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28BEEPING
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Did Maddy take the telephone?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- SCOFFING:- No! It's in there.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51286, please.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55It works, you're still in business.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57ALAN CHUCKLES
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Rhona, it's Colin...
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Uh-huh. Eh, where did it come from?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06Aye. What age?
0:19:08 > 0:19:09What, was it an accident?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Erm...
0:19:12 > 0:19:16good. Well, you fix up the theatre for, er, two, uh-huh...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Get pre-med finished and I'll see you in, eh,
0:19:20 > 0:19:21ten minutes, OK?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Erm...
0:19:26 > 0:19:29got to go and introduce somebody to a second-hand kidney.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Ha-ha.- What will you do?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'll do some shopping.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Get some things for the house, pots and pans and things...
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Good lad. Erm...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42want to eat with us tonight?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Aye, maybe. I'll let you know.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47OK.
0:19:49 > 0:19:50Colin...?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Do you think she loved me?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Sure she did. She told me one night, when she was drunk.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- She never told me. - Well, she wouldn't.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Where was I at the time?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06You were through in the kitchen telling Fiona you loved her.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08You were drunk too.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15SHOP MUSIC: "Silent Night"
0:20:51 > 0:20:54You know you can have all three pots the same colour?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Eh, no, no, it doesn't matter. - Are you sure?! Ha! OK.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58I kind of like the mix and match.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00THEY CHUCKLE
0:21:00 > 0:21:01I just thought it might look nicer.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10BRASS BAND PLAYS
0:21:18 > 0:21:20WOMAN GIGGLES
0:21:51 > 0:21:55MELANCHOLY SAXOPHONE MUSIC
0:22:01 > 0:22:03RADIO ANNOUNCER: No less than eight Christmas truces are
0:22:03 > 0:22:06in jeopardy around the world today and intense diplomatic
0:22:06 > 0:22:09activity continues in an effort to reduce global tension.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12In the Middle East, the American special envoy has meetings
0:22:12 > 0:22:14with rival leaders whilst heavy fighting
0:22:14 > 0:22:17continued on the outskirts of...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19He said - "We will have peace here at any price."
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Mamie, the giant panda is said to be comfortable and well...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26shortly after her pregnancy was confirmed...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30SONG ON RADIO
0:22:39 > 0:22:42..in acts of looting and other violence...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44RADIO JINGLE
0:22:46 > 0:22:51# Sit tight we'll bring you the traffic situation right now
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# In your car, right now in your car... #
0:23:32 > 0:23:34HORNS BLARE
0:24:11 > 0:24:14ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE
0:24:17 > 0:24:18# Hello, folks
0:24:24 > 0:24:25# Hello, folks
0:24:31 > 0:24:33# Hello, folks. #
0:24:55 > 0:24:56GIGGLING
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Yes, please, sir...?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Eh, 99, please.- With or without?- Hm?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Raspberry.- Oh, with, please.- Right.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10There we are...
0:25:10 > 0:25:11BOTTLE SQUELCHES
0:25:14 > 0:25:17And, er...a Highland Toffee, please.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- Thank you.- There we are, thank you.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Thank you.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29CAR APPROACHES AT SPEED
0:25:46 > 0:25:48SQUELCHES
0:25:53 > 0:25:55SQUELCHES
0:25:55 > 0:25:57YELLING
0:25:57 > 0:25:58BEAT IT!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00GET TO HELL, THE PAIR OF YE!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Oh, oh!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Hey! It's you, innit?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09It's Dicky Bird!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- Dicky Bird's here! - For God's sake, in the car!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15- Give us an autograph, Dicky. - Sorry, I don't have a pen on me, I'm sorry.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Come on to hell, let's get out of here!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Give us a dedication at least, eh? For my mother.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. - Tomorrow morning?- Right.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- Have you any Mantovani or Dean Martin?- Bound to, bound to.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- What, Memories Are Made Of This or something?- Aye, lovely.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Yes, sir, can I help you? A refill for your 99?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- Are you OK?- What, what? Oh, yes, everything's under control, don't worry about a thing, sir.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Was there something you wanted? - Are you hurt, is that blood?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57No, it's just raspberry essence. Don't worry about it, just some high-spirited youths.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Now, if there's nothing else you want I think we'd better be on our way.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01GLASS TINKLES
0:27:07 > 0:27:09VAN JINGLE
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Hello, folks
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# Hello, folks
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Hello, folks
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# Hello, folks
0:27:17 > 0:27:18JINGLE PLAYS OFF KEY
0:27:18 > 0:27:19# Hello, folks... #
0:27:26 > 0:27:27HE GROANS
0:28:06 > 0:28:07DOORBELL RINGS
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Maddy!
0:28:18 > 0:28:19SHE GIGGLES
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Oh, baby, oh!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- Have you still got a bed?- Uh-huh!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Oh, I missed you!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Oh.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Where did you get these pyjamas?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I was cold. I don't need them.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Can I stay the night?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46You can stay for ever. You know that.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49OK, I'll stay for ever.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06HE SIGHS
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Oh, sh...
0:29:43 > 0:29:44Sh-shit!
0:29:49 > 0:29:50HE GROANS
0:29:58 > 0:30:02JINGLE: # National news on the hour. #
0:30:04 > 0:30:08Another border clash took place in the night in the Bulati mountains
0:30:08 > 0:30:10between troops of Bulati and Nigorr.
0:30:10 > 0:30:11A Bulati army statement claimed...
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Keith...?
0:30:13 > 0:30:16- Yeah.- Fix me up a booth for ten o'clock, would you?
0:30:16 > 0:30:20I'd like to do some commercials and some trails for the weekend. You could edit them, OK?
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Sure thing, Alan.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25- Oh, Keith...?- Yeah?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28What would clean ice-cream stains off velour upholstery?
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Ah, now that sounds like a hot water and detergent job,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35but you'd need to wet the whole seat so it wouldn't leave a mark.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37- It'll be a bit tricky.- OK, thanks.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41JINGLE: # Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day... #
0:30:43 > 0:30:47Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, you just munch them all day, they never stop.
0:30:47 > 0:30:54# Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, I want them now. #
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches
0:30:56 > 0:30:59that lasts all-l-l-l-l...day.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01MUNCHING
0:31:01 > 0:31:02It was a bit dry, maybe?
0:31:02 > 0:31:03TAPE REWINDS
0:31:03 > 0:31:05All right. Spin it again.
0:31:05 > 0:31:10# Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day... #
0:31:10 > 0:31:14Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops! You just eat them all day, they never stop...
0:31:14 > 0:31:17Oh, no, no. You said, "eat", Alan. It should be, "munch."
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Oh, sh...
0:31:19 > 0:31:22# ...the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day. #
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, you just munch them all day, they never...
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Cut. There's something wrong, the rhythm's wrong.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30It's that "you." We don't need this "you."
0:31:30 > 0:31:32How the...? Who wrote this stuff?
0:31:32 > 0:31:36# Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day. #
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, munch them all day, they never stop.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43# Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops... #
0:31:43 > 0:31:44TAPE REWINDS
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Well...
0:31:47 > 0:31:50I'm not so sure. I think the "you" had something.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54It broke the beat. You know, the way it came in on the sub beat was quite special.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Give us it, again.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59# ...the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day. #
0:32:02 > 0:32:05Nancy, is Hilary in? I'd like a word with him.
0:32:05 > 0:32:06I'll find out if he's free.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08# Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops... #
0:32:08 > 0:32:10- Oh, shut it.- Hello, Gloria.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13Alan Bird would like to see Hilary if he's free.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16- Two minutes' time?- Lovely. - Thanks, Gloria.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19How's the lookalikes competition coming along?
0:32:19 > 0:32:23Fine. Everyone still wants to look like Princess You Know Who, though.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Do you know, I'm going to get my dentist to write in,
0:32:25 > 0:32:27he's the absolute spitting image of George C Scott.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I hear the Seven Deadly Sins and The Terrible Twins came to call on you.
0:32:38 > 0:32:39Dire straits.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43The bigger they are, babe, the harder they fall on you.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46KNOCKS DOOR
0:32:46 > 0:32:49JINGLE: # Turn your radio on. #
0:32:51 > 0:32:52Hello...?
0:32:52 > 0:32:54GIGGLING
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Come on, now, stop your nonsense, Gloria.
0:32:56 > 0:32:58- Oh, no, that's not fair. - It's absolutely fair.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01- I'm allowed to do that. - Right, right, I want a turn, then.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03No...you, look...listen.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Don't put your finger there, I can't get in if you put your finger there.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Well, you have to be quicker than that.
0:33:08 > 0:33:09GAME BEEPS
0:33:09 > 0:33:12- I was always known as very quick. - You did that when I wisnae looking.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Oh, look what you've done now!
0:33:15 > 0:33:16LAUGHTER
0:33:16 > 0:33:21- Get, get out of there!- I think that will be all, eh, Gloria, eh...
0:33:21 > 0:33:25- for the moment. Ah, come in, Alan. Come away in.- Hello, Hilary.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30That phone-in joke spot on Monday was ace, tip-top.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33I hope you're going to keep it in.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35- Thanks.- Well, now, what can I do for you?
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Ah, I just like to talk.
0:33:37 > 0:33:42I think, I think things are changing.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45I think I'm changing...maybe.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48I don't think this is a good time to talk about money, Alan,
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I mean, the Christmas bonus is in the pipeline. Now, you know that.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Oh, it's not money, Hilary. No, I don't mean money, I mean formats.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Programmes. Other things that maybe I could handle.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01- What do you mean?- I'm not a kid.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I'm a serious person, I've got serious friends.
0:34:04 > 0:34:09Maybe I should be more serious, sometimes, on the air.
0:34:09 > 0:34:10I don't...
0:34:10 > 0:34:12catch your drift.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15I'm not just a clown, maybe I could do other kinds of shows...
0:34:15 > 0:34:17like a...like a documentary.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19A documentary?
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Yeah, it's a real kind of a show, it's got real things.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24People. You know, out on the streets, you know, real things.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27I could follow something up and make a show.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29- In depth.- Aye.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32Rufus told me about Madeline leaving.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Who the hell told Rufus?
0:34:34 > 0:34:39Anyway, it's got nothing to do with Maddy, this is work.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42I think I'm onto something, I want to chase it up.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Make a programme. You know, there are things
0:34:45 > 0:34:47going on in this town that would make your hair curl.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Have I ever told you about my... navy days?
0:34:54 > 0:34:56We used to do ship-to-ship transfers, you know,
0:34:56 > 0:34:58breeches buoy.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Just a little bucket seat away out there in the ocean.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06There was a point, you see, when you'd be halfway between
0:35:06 > 0:35:07one ship and the other.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11And the swell, sometimes,
0:35:11 > 0:35:15would put both ships out of sight, oh, for 15, 20 seconds.
0:35:17 > 0:35:22And there you'd be... hanging beneath a bit of rope
0:35:22 > 0:35:26and nothing all about you but angry water.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31You get my point?
0:35:33 > 0:35:34No.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39But, surely...?
0:35:39 > 0:35:41If you're...where you...
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Are you sure you don't get the point?
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Not exactly.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49It's depression, Alan, depression.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52You're stuck between where you've been and where you're going.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54And you've lost sight of both.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59The secret, Alan...is faith.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03Next time you look up, the way ahead will be clear.
0:36:05 > 0:36:06Think about it.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Can I make a documentary anyway?
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Alan, the resources of the station are yours to make use of,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16you know that.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18But I don't see any need to tamper with...
0:36:18 > 0:36:20the Dicky Bird Early Worm Show, do you?
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Fair enough.
0:36:22 > 0:36:27- I can pick up a tape recorder at the newsroom?- Of course you can.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Knock on the door any time, Alan. Oh, and Alan...?
0:36:31 > 0:36:34Don't fret about these angry seas below you.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37I'll be seeing you, Hilary.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Aye, Gloria, listen, get on to the legal department, would you?
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I want the lowdown on Alan Bird's contract.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56Aye, find out if it's yearly or six-monthly. Oh, and, Gloria...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58find out if there's a sanity clause.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03No, sanity clause!
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Santa Claus!
0:37:07 > 0:37:08Oh, aye...
0:37:15 > 0:37:17HE COUGHS
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Dicky Bird, documentary - Bird's Eye View, take one...
0:37:21 > 0:37:25Alan Bird, documentary, Bird's Eye View, take one.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31Here I am, in the heart of the city.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Talking about this...
0:37:35 > 0:37:37..place, er...
0:37:45 > 0:37:47We all think that we know our own place.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Our own town, but...do we?
0:37:52 > 0:37:54How much do we know?
0:37:56 > 0:37:57Or care?
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Things happen around us that...
0:38:13 > 0:38:15The other night I saw two men demolish an ice-cream van
0:38:15 > 0:38:18with iron bars. Can you believe it?
0:38:18 > 0:38:21Right here, in this city.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26There are things...
0:38:27 > 0:38:30..going on in this city that would make you...
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Maddy, please come home.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40I want to see you today.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43I want to see what you're wearing.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46I want you to tell me a joke.
0:38:48 > 0:38:50I want to make you something nice to eat.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57Ice cream is not something that many of us
0:38:57 > 0:38:59give a great deal of thought to, but, erm...
0:39:01 > 0:39:05..especially at this time of year when...
0:39:27 > 0:39:31Hello, Colin, yeah this is Alan. This is an SOS.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Can I come over?
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- RADIO:- Hi, this is Dicky Bird and I've got a real problem.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39I've just tasted an exciting new minty snack called Easy Chews,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41but I can't decide whether it's a mint or a chew bar.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44It comes from the people who make Minty Crunch so you know
0:39:44 > 0:39:48that it tastes good and minty but it chews like a real chewy, chew bar.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51It's a between-meals snack and it comes in four big chocolate-covered fingers.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Try one and then you decide -
0:39:53 > 0:39:56is it a mint or is it a chew? It's a problem...
0:40:01 > 0:40:03How was the operation yesterday?
0:40:05 > 0:40:07- Eh?- The operation...
0:40:08 > 0:40:10Oh, yeah. It was fine...
0:40:12 > 0:40:15The bugger had eaten a sandwich the night before and not told us.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Very nearly sewed his new kidney onto a piece of tomato.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19THEY CHUCKLE
0:40:19 > 0:40:21The one essential is a good empty gut.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23But, the kidney seems like a good match.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27What did you do last night?
0:40:27 > 0:40:30I bought some ice cream.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33- Oh.- Do you know anything about ice cream?
0:40:33 > 0:40:36I mean, professionally. Medically.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38- Erm...- Chemically?
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Not a lot, no.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42BABY CRIES
0:40:42 > 0:40:44You should ask the expert.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45Aye!
0:40:45 > 0:40:46BABY CRIES
0:40:46 > 0:40:50Could you fix Katy's doll for her, please?
0:40:50 > 0:40:53I've left my needle and thread at the hospital, sweetheart.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54This is a real mess, Lily.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55BABY CONTINUES CRYING
0:40:55 > 0:40:58I told you about amputations, you just watch them closely
0:40:58 > 0:41:01and only chop if you have to, OK?
0:41:01 > 0:41:03BABY CONTINUES CRYING
0:41:03 > 0:41:05I wish I could cry like that. I've forgotten how to.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Have another couple of drinks and it will all come back.
0:41:08 > 0:41:09Oh, aye.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11That's serious medical advice.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Sometimes there's nothing like a good skinful.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Stay the night, Alan, the girls can double up.
0:41:17 > 0:41:18BABY CONTINUES CRYING
0:41:18 > 0:41:21- Do you want me to ask him?- Mm-hm.
0:41:21 > 0:41:22OK.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Lily says you can get her ready for bed tonight,
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Uncle Dicky. And that's a great honour.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Dicky on the bed, girls in the bunk, all right?
0:41:31 > 0:41:33- Yeah.- Night, night, ladies. - Kiss Daddy night, night.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35- Big kiss.- Oh.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38BABY CONTINUES CRYING
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Night, night, sweetheart.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Come on... There. Come on...
0:41:44 > 0:41:46You're a lucky bugger.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49How did you get it all together?
0:41:51 > 0:41:55- You're so productive. - Reproductive, there's a difference.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00Don't forget, I was always jealous of you at university.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Organising the hops, mmm...
0:42:02 > 0:42:03HE CHUCKLES
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Mr Showbiz. Pulling girls.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Failing exams.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10Even that made me jealous, I didn't have the guts to fail exams.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13You're just trying to make me feel better.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15Well, that's my job.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17HE EXHALES
0:42:17 > 0:42:21I only hung around with you because you knew all the fast girls.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24You married one of them. You got one of them to keep.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26I don't even have a home.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28You drive around this city and all you see are homes.
0:42:28 > 0:42:32- And I don't have one. - Oh, we've all got worries, you know.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35I have this recurring nightmare about you coming to date
0:42:35 > 0:42:37one of my daughters in about ten years' time, it's awful.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Well, she will be old enough to know her own mind, Colin.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Well, imagine...
0:42:42 > 0:42:46..that little madam want you to undress her tonight? She's six years old.
0:42:46 > 0:42:48HE CHUCKLES
0:42:54 > 0:42:55TOY SQUEAKS
0:43:04 > 0:43:05SQUEAK
0:43:14 > 0:43:15TINY SQUEAK
0:43:19 > 0:43:21SQUEAKING
0:43:24 > 0:43:26HE SIGHS
0:43:32 > 0:43:34Night, night, Dicky.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Night, night, Lily.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41Erm, will you be staying tomorrow night?
0:43:43 > 0:43:45- WHISPERS:- I don't think so.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Will you play me a record?
0:43:47 > 0:43:49On the Saturday show.
0:43:49 > 0:43:54- I promise.- And it's for Andrew, but don't mention my name.
0:43:54 > 0:43:55OK.
0:43:55 > 0:43:57- Night, night.- Night, night.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43What happened to the car?
0:44:43 > 0:44:46- Ice-cream cones. - Take me home, I'm freezing.
0:44:46 > 0:44:48How did you find me?
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Oh, I tried you at home and the rest was easy.
0:44:52 > 0:44:54You're a dream, aren't you?
0:44:54 > 0:44:55SHE CHUCKLES
0:44:55 > 0:44:57No, I'm real.
0:44:57 > 0:44:58Touch me.
0:45:00 > 0:45:01Feel me.
0:45:01 > 0:45:02Sniff me.
0:45:02 > 0:45:04SHE LAUGHS
0:45:04 > 0:45:05I smell nice, don't I?
0:45:07 > 0:45:09- Even my sweat smells nice.- Mmm.
0:45:09 > 0:45:10SHE CHUCKLES
0:45:10 > 0:45:12Take me home.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15Oh, you wee bugger, you're not a dream.
0:45:19 > 0:45:20Maddy, I'm...
0:45:39 > 0:45:43Hi, Dicky Bird here. My parties are going with a zing this Christmas and you know why?
0:45:43 > 0:45:46It's new Party Mix. The drink mixer for every taste,
0:45:46 > 0:45:49in tangy tropical four fruits or smoothie tomato flavour.
0:45:49 > 0:45:53Yes, gin, vodka and Bacardi taste new and exciting with Party Mix.
0:45:53 > 0:45:55Come in and join the crowd with Party Mix.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58WOMAN: Hey, Dicky darling, over here...
0:45:58 > 0:46:00Excuse me, folks, see you later!
0:46:00 > 0:46:02Help yourself to the Party Mix.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04JINGLE BEGINS
0:46:04 > 0:46:07Sorry, Alan, we'd like to go again for the balance, we have to do a live mix, OK?
0:46:07 > 0:46:10TAPE REWINDS
0:46:10 > 0:46:13Clive says can you make it a bit more suggestive at the end,
0:46:13 > 0:46:16like you know you're going to have a good time?
0:46:16 > 0:46:17A good time. Lovely, aye.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19DRINK FIZZES
0:46:19 > 0:46:20Uhhm.
0:46:23 > 0:46:25A message for you, Alan.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32A Mr Bruno Culinari says he'll see you outside the car park
0:46:32 > 0:46:33- at six o'clock.- Mr who...?
0:46:33 > 0:46:37- Bruno Culinari. He was a bit weird.- Mm-hm.
0:46:37 > 0:46:42- OK, thanks.- Alan - Bob Hope and Fred Astaire, the doubles competition.
0:46:44 > 0:46:46- I'm Bob Hope.- Right.
0:46:46 > 0:46:48I was actually more like him when I was younger.
0:46:48 > 0:46:50I've got a photograph.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53- Do photographs count? - I'm not sure about that.
0:46:53 > 0:46:56No, the rules are a wee bit hazy on that score!
0:46:56 > 0:47:00Look, this was taken in 1958 and everybody says that
0:47:00 > 0:47:02I was Bob Hope's double.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Surely that must go for something?
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Aye, well, look, Bob... we'll let you know, thanks.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10Er, Mr Bird... Fred Astaire...?
0:49:10 > 0:49:14- Yeah.- Thank you for coming, Mr Bird. Come on out. You're OK.
0:49:16 > 0:49:19It's a real treat to meet you, Mr Bird.
0:49:19 > 0:49:21This is my brother, Paolo.
0:49:23 > 0:49:25- How you doing?- And that's Renato.
0:49:25 > 0:49:26RENATO WHISTLES RADIO THEME TUNE
0:49:26 > 0:49:28THEY CHUCKLE
0:49:28 > 0:49:29And I'm Bruno.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31Come inside and meet Mr McCool.
0:50:06 > 0:50:11HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:50:11 > 0:50:13Mr Bird, meet Mr McCool.
0:50:13 > 0:50:17Mr Bird, I believe you know Mr Bunny.
0:50:17 > 0:50:19Oh, no. Hardly at all.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23I bought a 99 from him and we exchanged a few words.
0:50:23 > 0:50:25Sit down, please, Mr Bird.
0:50:42 > 0:50:47Mr Bird, ice cream is an old established business.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49Everybody knows where he stands in this city.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52We all work together. It's a kind of...family.
0:50:53 > 0:50:54That sounds nice.
0:50:56 > 0:51:01Of course, everything works on trust, kind of unwritten rules.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04A certain amount of honour is involved.
0:51:04 > 0:51:09- But Mr Bunny doesn't play by the rules.- The unwritten ones?- Yes.
0:51:09 > 0:51:11The unwritten ones.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15It's a territorial thing, really.
0:51:15 > 0:51:18Other people working the east and in the south.
0:51:18 > 0:51:22But we do business here in the north, where we belong.
0:51:22 > 0:51:27But Mr Bunny is all over the place, Mr Bird.
0:51:27 > 0:51:29He is an interloper.
0:51:29 > 0:51:33He is like a rogue elephant. Wild, no rules.
0:51:33 > 0:51:36Well, as I say, I... we only exchanged a few words.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39In fact, I'm not even sure if it was Mr Bunny himself.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42No, no, no. There is no Mr Bunny, Mr Bird. I told you.
0:51:42 > 0:51:45He's wild, he's a rogue.
0:51:45 > 0:51:49No family, no heart. Just a bunch of desperadoes.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53What's it got to do with me?
0:51:54 > 0:51:57You must talk to him. Let him see reason.
0:51:58 > 0:52:02- Before things get bad. - But they're bad already!
0:52:02 > 0:52:04I mean, my car, the seats are ruined.
0:52:04 > 0:52:07You ever tried to get ice cream off velour upholstery?
0:52:07 > 0:52:11HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:52:38 > 0:52:42My father says that things can only get worse if you don't help us.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45People do desperate things when their livelihood is threatened.
0:52:45 > 0:52:46For reasons of honour
0:52:46 > 0:52:50and for other reasons we can't talk directly to Mr Bunny.
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Everybody puts their faith in you.
0:52:52 > 0:52:55My father says that he speaks for the whole of the ice-cream community
0:52:55 > 0:53:00and my father asks if he can call you Dicky?
0:53:00 > 0:53:02HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:53:07 > 0:53:10My father says that ice cream is his life.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12And, er, he's called you Dicky again.
0:53:13 > 0:53:15Oh, call me Alan.
0:53:15 > 0:53:16My friends call me Alan.
0:53:17 > 0:53:18Well, eh...
0:53:20 > 0:53:21..I'll do what I can.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:53:25 > 0:53:27HE REPLIES IN ITALIAN
0:53:28 > 0:53:30Thank you for helping us.
0:53:30 > 0:53:33I knew you would. You came along just when we needed you.
0:53:37 > 0:53:38The best machine...
0:53:38 > 0:53:39for the best ice cream.
0:53:42 > 0:53:43Ah, grazie, Renato.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45LIQUID BUBBLES
0:53:45 > 0:53:48A small token of our appreciation, Alan.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50Gold medal deluxe vanilla.
0:53:50 > 0:53:52Of course you can have any flavour you like.
0:53:52 > 0:53:55No, no, vanilla is fine, yes.
0:53:55 > 0:53:58And this is what Mr Bunny and people like him
0:53:58 > 0:54:01want to deprive the people of - a first-class ice cream.
0:54:01 > 0:54:02Please.
0:54:02 > 0:54:05- Oh. Thank you.- Pleasure.
0:54:05 > 0:54:07- And I wonder...?- Yes.- Could you help me out with a pint of milk?
0:54:07 > 0:54:10- I think I've missed the shop. - Of course, of course.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
0:54:13 > 0:54:16Ah, that's Archie and Amos, two of my best men.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18He's Dicky Bird from the radio.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Erm, I'm Amos, he's Archie.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24POUNDING ON DOOR
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Bruno...
0:54:30 > 0:54:33- Oh...- Here, let me pay for this.
0:54:33 > 0:54:36Well, if you insist, it's 20 pence, that's exactly what we pay.
0:54:36 > 0:54:37ALAN MUMBLES
0:54:37 > 0:54:39RENATO SHIVERS
0:54:39 > 0:54:41- There you are.- Thank you.- Thank you. - Ah, Bruno...
0:54:41 > 0:54:43HE SPEAKS ITALIAN
0:54:46 > 0:54:48My father apologises for speaking in Italian
0:54:48 > 0:54:52- but he says it's the language of his heart.- Oh, sure.
0:54:52 > 0:54:53Well, eh...
0:54:53 > 0:54:58cheerio and, erm, thanks for the milk and the ice cream and, erm...
0:54:58 > 0:55:00Good night, Mr Bird. Thank you very much. Good night.
0:55:00 > 0:55:02Shake the man's hand.
0:55:02 > 0:55:04Good night.
0:55:04 > 0:55:06Good night, we'll keep in touch.
0:55:06 > 0:55:07Thank you. Bye-bye.
0:55:20 > 0:55:21FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
0:55:21 > 0:55:25Dicky, Dicky, could I have your autograph?
0:55:25 > 0:55:29Oh, sure, sure. Yes. Have you got a pen, or something?
0:55:29 > 0:55:31Lovely. What was your name again?
0:55:31 > 0:55:34Could you make it, "To my dear friend Paolo"?
0:55:34 > 0:55:37"To my dear friend, Paolo."
0:55:37 > 0:55:39- Paolo.- That's a good Scots name, eh?
0:55:39 > 0:55:40PAOLO CHUCKLES
0:55:40 > 0:55:43"Dicky Bird. Tweet...
0:55:43 > 0:55:45"..tweedly tweet."
0:55:45 > 0:55:48- That's great.- Lovely, OK? - Thanks a lot.- See you.
0:55:48 > 0:55:51- Lovely car.- Aye. Thanks very much.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55ENGINE STARTS
0:55:57 > 0:56:00THEY SPEAK ITALIAN
0:56:08 > 0:56:11MUSIC ON RADIO: "Me And Mrs Jones" by Billy Paul
0:56:11 > 0:56:13# Me and Mrs Jones
0:56:16 > 0:56:19# We got a thing
0:56:20 > 0:56:22# Going on
0:56:29 > 0:56:33# We meet every day at the same cafe... #
0:57:02 > 0:57:05MELANCHOLY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS
0:57:28 > 0:57:31I know that this will be very bad news for Bob Hope of Anniesland
0:57:31 > 0:57:34but come on, Bob, keep trying. Maybe you could practise looking like
0:57:34 > 0:57:36somebody else, eh?!
0:57:36 > 0:57:38JINGLE: # Somebody famous
0:57:39 > 0:57:45# Lookalike, lookalike somebody famous. #
0:57:45 > 0:57:47SINISTER SCORE
0:57:47 > 0:57:49And before I go today I want to steal the airwaves
0:57:49 > 0:57:51and just get a teensy bit serious.
0:57:51 > 0:57:54I've got a message for someone who might just be listening.
0:57:54 > 0:57:58Mr Bunny or Miss Bunny, I do want to talk to you again,
0:57:58 > 0:58:03so how about same time same place? Tonight?
0:58:03 > 0:58:05End of message.
0:58:06 > 0:58:10And listen, everybody, one day soon I'm going to tell you all about this,
0:58:10 > 0:58:12perhaps even in a very special programme
0:58:12 > 0:58:14but until then, I'm a man of mystery!
0:58:37 > 0:58:39I'm afraid that tooth's very bad.
0:58:40 > 0:58:41So, what we'll do...
0:58:41 > 0:58:43seeing it's you...
0:58:44 > 0:58:46..we'll pop a dressing into it and...
0:58:49 > 0:58:52..if there's no pain at all, fix it on your next visit.
0:59:31 > 0:59:34ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE
0:59:54 > 0:59:57ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE
0:59:57 > 0:59:59# Hello, folks. #
1:00:09 > 1:00:11ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE
1:00:11 > 1:00:13# Hello, folks! #
1:00:13 > 1:00:15SMASH!
1:00:35 > 1:00:38This is the reserve vehicle. The rest are back at the body shop.
1:00:38 > 1:00:40This is me completely out of action, no more front-line units.
1:00:40 > 1:00:43- I just wanted to have a word with you.- I know that.
1:00:43 > 1:00:45I was coming to see you. What did you think I was doing?
1:00:45 > 1:00:48- I thought you were trying to get away.- Oh, God Almighty.
1:00:48 > 1:00:51This is my first night on the estate. I was cleaning up here.
1:00:54 > 1:00:55The radiator's OK.
1:00:55 > 1:00:58I'll get the lads at the body shop to beat this out for you.
1:00:58 > 1:01:00No, no, I'll get it fixed.
1:01:01 > 1:01:03There's no point in hanging about here, is there?
1:01:03 > 1:01:06Follow me back to HQ.
1:01:46 > 1:01:49Seen some action tonight, Trevor. Was it a ramming job?
1:01:49 > 1:01:52It was Robin Hood here coming to rescue me.
1:01:54 > 1:01:56Hello, folks.
1:02:02 > 1:02:05- Oh, you're... - HE WHISTLES
1:02:12 > 1:02:15It's just superficial damage. I'll get Roddy to bash it out
1:02:15 > 1:02:18- and slap some paint on it.- Oh, no, please, I'll fix it tomorrow.
1:02:18 > 1:02:22Suit yourself, it'll cost you a fortune to get fixed anywhere else.
1:02:22 > 1:02:25Oh, we can field two units tomorrow night,
1:02:25 > 1:02:28- I fixed up the freezer on the Merc. - Good, well done.
1:02:28 > 1:02:31- Listen, is Charlotte in the...? - She's in the office.
1:02:36 > 1:02:39So, is this really the ultimate driving machine?
1:02:40 > 1:02:43- Hm.- Good.
1:02:45 > 1:02:48Hello, folks!
1:02:52 > 1:02:55Hello, folks!
1:03:06 > 1:03:08Take a seat.
1:03:13 > 1:03:19- Mr Bird here wants to talk to us. He's seen McCool.- Oh, yeah.
1:03:19 > 1:03:27McCool wants to get together, reach an agreement. He's very upset.
1:03:27 > 1:03:32SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
1:03:34 > 1:03:37- I think it's a serious offer. - McCool is serious all right.
1:03:39 > 1:03:40He is deadly serious.
1:03:40 > 1:03:44SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
1:03:44 > 1:03:47Do you have any idea what you're getting involved in here?
1:03:47 > 1:03:51- Do you work for McCool? - Certainly not. I'm a journalist.
1:03:51 > 1:03:53I'm trying to stop senseless violence.
1:03:54 > 1:03:57McCool runs a big outfit, he wants to talk.
1:03:57 > 1:03:59He wants to annihilate us, is what he wants.
1:03:59 > 1:04:03McCool has a stranglehold on every independent operator in the north of this city.
1:04:03 > 1:04:08He controls every franchise - wafer supply, ice cream, soft drinks.
1:04:08 > 1:04:11He's even got a 10% mark-up on every gallon of raspberry essence.
1:04:11 > 1:04:14You do your shopping elsewhere, you get the demolition treatment.
1:04:14 > 1:04:17SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
1:04:17 > 1:04:21How long have you been locked up in that radio station of yours, Mr Bird?
1:04:21 > 1:04:23Do you have any idea what's going on around here?
1:04:23 > 1:04:27I got the impression he wants to try and find a working relationship.
1:04:27 > 1:04:30Oh, yeah, exactly. Us working for him.
1:04:30 > 1:04:34You want me to go out there and tell those people that you want them to work for McCool.
1:04:34 > 1:04:37After the threats, the violence - you go and tell them.
1:04:37 > 1:04:40Something's got to be done, it seems so stupid.
1:04:40 > 1:04:42It's almost like a joke, people getting
1:04:42 > 1:04:45so angry about ice cream, it's a joke.
1:04:45 > 1:04:49And what deadly serious occupation are you involved in, Mr Dicky Bird?
1:04:49 > 1:04:52What exactly is your contribution to humanity?
1:04:53 > 1:04:57I want to help. But what can I do?
1:04:57 > 1:05:00I want to help all of you find a solution.
1:05:00 > 1:05:04SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
1:05:11 > 1:05:12Capisca.
1:05:12 > 1:05:14SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
1:05:14 > 1:05:16You tell McCool this.
1:05:16 > 1:05:19We'll take his ice cream but under our conditions.
1:05:19 > 1:05:21Every Mr Bunny is his own boss and that's the way it stays.
1:05:21 > 1:05:24We're talking equal prices with no mark-ups.
1:05:24 > 1:05:26In an open market in wafers, we buy what we want.
1:05:26 > 1:05:29If he prices fairly, then he gets the business.
1:05:29 > 1:05:33On territories, we are willing to negotiate openly around the table,
1:05:33 > 1:05:34we talk under those conditions.
1:05:34 > 1:05:37Where do you get your supplies from at the moment?
1:05:37 > 1:05:40So, that's what McCool's after. That's why he sent you.
1:05:40 > 1:05:42- He must be worried, Charlotte. - Nobody sent me.
1:05:42 > 1:05:46OK, well, you go back to where nobody sent you from and tell them
1:05:46 > 1:05:49what we said - we talk in an open market.
1:05:49 > 1:05:51- OK.- OK.
1:05:53 > 1:05:56You'd better go before the boys get to work on your car.
1:05:56 > 1:06:00You'll end up with a fridge in the back, and a set of chimes.
1:06:00 > 1:06:02Charlotte, see Mr Bird off the premises.
1:06:06 > 1:06:09HE TRIES TO SPEAK ITALIAN
1:06:09 > 1:06:14- I speak English.- Good, I am on your side, Charlotte. You know that.
1:06:14 > 1:06:18Well, I am on both your sides, really.
1:06:18 > 1:06:21I think you should all be on the same side.
1:06:24 > 1:06:28I'd really like to see you again. Get to know you better.
1:06:31 > 1:06:35What's the matter? Don't people date each other any more?
1:06:35 > 1:06:39- Well, I don't know.- Mr Bird...?
1:06:43 > 1:06:48When you see McCool, be sure and remind him - formerly Mr Softy.
1:06:49 > 1:06:51No more.
1:06:54 > 1:06:56Here, some ice cream for you.
1:06:57 > 1:06:59Thank you.
1:06:59 > 1:07:02Oh, in the name of...
1:07:02 > 1:07:04Be finished in a minute, Dicky.
1:07:59 > 1:08:02JINGLES PLAY ON CAR RADIO
1:08:34 > 1:08:40- Hello, Mr Bird, please come in. - Sit down.- Thank you.
1:08:40 > 1:08:42Would you like a cup of coffee?
1:08:43 > 1:08:48- Cake or chocolate biscuit, Alan? - Yes, please.- Maria.
1:08:52 > 1:08:54Maria, what have you got left? Any Kunzel cake?
1:08:54 > 1:08:59- Yes, I have two Kunzel cakes and some apple pie.- Oh, good, good.
1:08:59 > 1:09:03Mr Bird and I will have Kunzel cakes, and some biscuit for the boys,
1:09:03 > 1:09:07and a slice of apple pie, too. There's a good girl.
1:09:08 > 1:09:12I wanted some Kunzel cake as well.
1:09:12 > 1:09:16That's a pity, Bruno, because you'll just have to have some apple pie, won't you?
1:09:19 > 1:09:24So, Alan, what did Mr Bunny have to say for himself?
1:09:24 > 1:09:28A lot. He wants to talk. I think it could work out good.
1:09:30 > 1:09:34- Where did you meet? His place?- Hm-mm.
1:09:34 > 1:09:37- We went there, yes.- Where?
1:09:37 > 1:09:41- Where is it?- Now, listen, I'm not taking any sides.
1:09:41 > 1:09:43You asked me to help you talk to Mr Bunny.
1:09:43 > 1:09:45That's all.
1:10:12 > 1:10:16- Bruno, please. Here. Have this. - Thanks.- Bruno!
1:10:16 > 1:10:19Give Alan his Kunzel cake.
1:10:25 > 1:10:30They have simple demands, they want to do business with you,
1:10:30 > 1:10:35- that's obvious.- Who? Who's they?
1:10:35 > 1:10:39- I spoke with Trevor, that's no secret, is it?- Trevor?
1:10:39 > 1:10:41Trevor, Trevor, Trevor!
1:10:41 > 1:10:44HE RANTS IN ITALIAN
1:10:57 > 1:11:00My father says, of all the most loathsome names you have to
1:11:00 > 1:11:02mention that one, the most abhorred name of all,
1:11:02 > 1:11:06the name of a two-timing interloping fish and chip seller,
1:11:06 > 1:11:07a name without honour,
1:11:07 > 1:11:10the name of a son whose father turns in his grave to see
1:11:10 > 1:11:12the disgrace that he brings to his family.
1:11:12 > 1:11:14I don't understand.
1:11:14 > 1:11:17Trevor is a Marinetti, they have fish and chip shops
1:11:17 > 1:11:19all over, we were close to them at one time
1:11:19 > 1:11:21then Trevor started to drift into ice cream.
1:11:21 > 1:11:24HE shouldn't have, because there was a kind of...
1:11:24 > 1:11:26Unwritten law?
1:11:26 > 1:11:27Yes, an unwritten law.
1:11:31 > 1:11:34I forgot, I was at the dentist today.
1:11:34 > 1:11:39- What else happened at Mr Bunny, Alan?- Nothing much.
1:11:39 > 1:11:42He wants to talk, that's for sure and, um,
1:11:42 > 1:11:45he gave me some ice cream, just like you did.
1:11:45 > 1:11:48They gave you some ice cream, some ice cream.
1:11:49 > 1:11:52Bruno... HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
1:12:08 > 1:12:12My father says one taste of that ice cream can answer many questions.
1:12:12 > 1:12:15My father has the taste buds of a master.
1:12:15 > 1:12:18He knows every ice cream in the country.
1:12:18 > 1:12:21HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
1:12:21 > 1:12:23You're not having my ice cream, Mr McCool.
1:12:23 > 1:12:26If you want one, there's a Mr Bunny van every night up in Possilpark.
1:12:26 > 1:12:29Alan, Alan, come back. Have another cup of coffee. Come on, please.
1:12:29 > 1:12:32- Can I have your autograph? - Sure. Is that to Maria?
1:12:33 > 1:12:36Just let me know when you really want to talk.
1:12:36 > 1:12:39I'll be happy to fix it up for you. Ciao!
1:12:49 > 1:12:51Bruno, no!
1:12:53 > 1:12:55Stupido.
1:12:57 > 1:13:02- RADIO:- It was announced in Moscow today that Mami, the giant panda, died in the night.
1:13:02 > 1:13:06Earlier this week, zoo officials were rejoicing at Mami's confirmed
1:13:06 > 1:13:10pregnancy but a spokesman said today the tests have revealed a serious
1:13:10 > 1:13:13stomach illness bearing similar symptoms to pregnancy.
1:13:13 > 1:13:16Messages of condolence have been arriving at the Moscow zoo
1:13:16 > 1:13:18from all over the world. The spokesman also said
1:13:18 > 1:13:21that there would be early plans to have Mami stuffed
1:13:21 > 1:13:23and put on permanent display at the zoo as a lasting
1:13:23 > 1:13:26tribute to the generosity of the People's Republic of China
1:13:26 > 1:13:28in gifting the animal to the Russian people.
1:13:46 > 1:13:48LOWERED VOICES
1:13:48 > 1:13:51FOOTSTEPS
1:14:36 > 1:14:39BIRDSONG
1:14:41 > 1:14:43And I'm saying this for any Mr Bunny who may be listening,
1:14:43 > 1:14:47the message is urgent. Mr McCool is on the trail, be prepared.
1:14:47 > 1:14:52Mr McCool is onto you so, please, same time, same place, Mr Bunny,
1:14:52 > 1:14:55and I'll give you all the details, but in the meantime double
1:14:55 > 1:14:57the guards, send the women and children to the hills.
1:14:57 > 1:15:00So, this is Dicky, your early bird, saying cheery-bye,
1:15:00 > 1:15:03and don't forget - big prize day tomorrow on the doubles match,
1:15:03 > 1:15:05and the big prize this week is one whole day's use
1:15:05 > 1:15:09of big station boss Hilary Sandiman's American Express card,
1:15:09 > 1:15:10but knowing our Hilary,
1:15:10 > 1:15:13he will make sure it is Boxing Day, when all the shops are shut.
1:15:13 > 1:15:16But never mind. Finally, once again, Mr Bunny,
1:15:16 > 1:15:18if any Mr Bunny is listening out there, then please get
1:15:18 > 1:15:21the word back to big Mr Bunny.
1:15:21 > 1:15:24Gloria, I want to see Alan Bird.
1:15:26 > 1:15:28I told you, I am onto something.
1:15:28 > 1:15:30It will break soon, I'll make a programme.
1:15:31 > 1:15:35- Alan, you have not been yourself lately.- That's just the point.
1:15:35 > 1:15:37I wasn't myself before when you thought I was myself
1:15:37 > 1:15:41but now I am myself. Or very nearly.
1:15:41 > 1:15:46- I don't follow you. - I told you, I'm changing. I had to.
1:15:46 > 1:15:51My life was the wrong flavour, my whole life was the wrong ice cream.
1:15:51 > 1:15:53- It needed a new flavour.- Ice cream?
1:15:54 > 1:15:58- I was raspberry when I should have been vanilla. Do you get it?- Oh!
1:16:00 > 1:16:02Alan, does...
1:16:02 > 1:16:06Does this Mr Bunny talk to you a lot?
1:16:06 > 1:16:09I talk to them all, I see them all. I'm helping them, they need me.
1:16:09 > 1:16:13- Them all?- Yes, I needed to care for something, to get involved.
1:16:13 > 1:16:15You can ask my friend Colin - he's a surgeon.
1:16:15 > 1:16:20I've got a friend too, Alan, who is a kind of a doctor.
1:16:20 > 1:16:23- Would you like to have a talk with him?- What about?
1:16:23 > 1:16:25I think you should see someone soon, Alan,
1:16:25 > 1:16:28someone who could help you find yourself.
1:16:28 > 1:16:31Oh, do you mean a head psychiatrist? You think I'm nuts. I'm not nuts.
1:16:31 > 1:16:36Alan, before you go back on the air again, I have to insist.
1:16:50 > 1:16:54- Mr Swan.- Bird.- Make yourself at home, I'll be with you in a jiffy.
1:17:02 > 1:17:06I wouldn't lie there. That's another £20 an hour.
1:17:07 > 1:17:11It's mostly used for group therapy nowadays anyway.
1:17:17 > 1:17:20So, I hear you have a friend called Mr Bunny.
1:17:20 > 1:17:22Not a friend, somebody I'm helping.
1:17:22 > 1:17:24I'm helping all of them, all the Mr Bunnys.
1:17:25 > 1:17:30- How long have you been associating with these Mr Bunnys?- All week.
1:17:30 > 1:17:32Since Maddy left.
1:17:32 > 1:17:37- Maddy?- My girl. She left me. We've been together for four years.
1:17:37 > 1:17:42- It was a bit of a shock. - How did that happen?
1:17:42 > 1:17:44A removal truck came one night and she left.
1:17:44 > 1:17:47It was very sudden, yes. Quite a shock.
1:17:49 > 1:17:51How was your relationship with Maddy?
1:17:51 > 1:17:55It was fine, I thought it was fine. I thought we were a very good team.
1:17:55 > 1:18:00- Do you have a healthy sexual relationship?- Very healthy.
1:18:00 > 1:18:02I thought.
1:18:02 > 1:18:05Any abnormal sexual practices?
1:18:09 > 1:18:12- No.- Nothing at all?- No.
1:18:13 > 1:18:16- Any sexual violence? - Certainly not.
1:18:16 > 1:18:19Very well. We'll take your word for it.
1:18:21 > 1:18:26- So, tell me, how do you feel about losing Maddy?- Heartbroken.
1:18:26 > 1:18:27It was a big shock.
1:18:27 > 1:18:32- And I've had these dreams, these awful, depressing dreams.- Dreams.
1:18:32 > 1:18:34Now I see it's all for the best.
1:18:34 > 1:18:36I've explained this to Hilary. I think
1:18:36 > 1:18:39we've all got to change at certain times.
1:18:39 > 1:18:41But if your life is like an apple cake
1:18:41 > 1:18:43when it should be like a Kunzel cake, you're in trouble.
1:18:43 > 1:18:45I think you've got to find the right flavour.
1:18:45 > 1:18:48Maddy and I were like a chocolate mousse, we were a terrific
1:18:48 > 1:18:53chocolate mousse, but you can't live on chocolate mousse. No, you need other things.
1:18:55 > 1:18:57I do miss her, though.
1:18:57 > 1:19:00She was wonderful.
1:19:00 > 1:19:04We were some chocolate mousse.
1:19:07 > 1:19:13- I wonder if you've ever done any sailing, Mr Bird.- No.
1:19:13 > 1:19:18I have a little illustration that might be of some comfort.
1:19:18 > 1:19:21It goes back to my days in the Navy. They used to move us medicos
1:19:21 > 1:19:23round a great deal, ship to ship,
1:19:23 > 1:19:27- and they had this contraption called a breeches buoy.- Mm-hm.
1:19:27 > 1:19:31And sometimes you could find yourself out there in the ocean.
1:19:31 > 1:19:36Hanging on a piece of rope, there's nothing else around you but the angry waters,
1:19:36 > 1:19:39and you're stuck between here and there. Oh, yes, you're right.
1:19:39 > 1:19:42How did you know that? That's my story.
1:19:42 > 1:19:45- Oh, I'm sorry.- That's my story. It really happened to me.
1:19:45 > 1:19:49- Where did you hear it?- I don't remember. Maybe I read it in a book.
1:19:49 > 1:19:53- No, I haven't written a book yet. - I'm sorry.- This is very upsetting.
1:19:53 > 1:19:56It really happened, you know. It really happened.
1:19:56 > 1:19:59And I've got to warn the Bunnys tonight.
1:19:59 > 1:20:02I think the McCools could be onto them.
1:20:03 > 1:20:06Listen...what about Maddy?
1:20:06 > 1:20:09It's only been four days now.
1:20:09 > 1:20:12I think you should take a little bit longer than that to get over her,
1:20:12 > 1:20:16after all she meant to you. I don't think you're being fair.
1:20:17 > 1:20:21Don't worry, I'm still miserable. I'll be miserable for ages, I know.
1:20:21 > 1:20:25But I can see the way forward now, the ship on the horizon.
1:20:29 > 1:20:32- Hello, Miss Wilson.- Hello, Doctor.
1:20:32 > 1:20:37- How are you?- Fine, Doctor, just a bit stiff.
1:20:37 > 1:20:41- I'll tell Sister you can have a real bath today, then.- Thank you.
1:20:42 > 1:20:45I brought someone to meet you. It's Dicky Bird from the radio.
1:20:45 > 1:20:47Mmm!
1:20:47 > 1:20:49Very pleased to meet you, Dicky.
1:20:49 > 1:20:53This is a real treat. I listen to you every morning here.
1:20:53 > 1:20:55I'm always awake first,
1:20:55 > 1:20:57and they don't bring breakfast till half past seven.
1:20:57 > 1:20:59Oh, well, thank you very much.
1:20:59 > 1:21:02I wish you did Saturday and Sunday, too.
1:21:02 > 1:21:04They've got that other noisy clown on then.
1:21:04 > 1:21:06Oh, aye, Rufus?
1:21:06 > 1:21:08I don't like him.
1:21:08 > 1:21:11I don't like him much, either!
1:21:11 > 1:21:13We'll have to go just now.
1:21:13 > 1:21:15Bye, Doctor. Cheerio, Dicky.
1:21:15 > 1:21:18You make an old lady smile every morning.
1:21:18 > 1:21:21Cheery-bye.
1:21:21 > 1:21:23How long has she been in for?
1:21:23 > 1:21:26- A couple of months.- Oh, Jesus.
1:21:26 > 1:21:28No, she's OK.
1:21:28 > 1:21:30She's got you.
1:21:30 > 1:21:32PAGER BLEEPS
1:21:32 > 1:21:35Well, anyway, you've obviously got a great deal to do, and, er,
1:21:35 > 1:21:38you shouldn't really be here unless you're sick.
1:21:38 > 1:21:41- You're not sick, are you?- No, no.
1:21:41 > 1:21:43Well, not really!
1:21:43 > 1:21:45Aye, well, I'll be seeing you.
1:21:45 > 1:21:48- Keep on taking the alcohol.- Check!
1:22:02 > 1:22:04KNOCKS AT DOOR
1:22:12 > 1:22:16Trevor! I'm glad you're here. Did you get my message?
1:22:16 > 1:22:18- What was that? - McCool got a hold of your ice cream.
1:22:18 > 1:22:20He reckons that he can track you down.
1:22:20 > 1:22:22Oh, I don't think he'll get too far.
1:22:22 > 1:22:25See, it's his own recipe.
1:22:25 > 1:22:27McCool's my father.
1:22:27 > 1:22:29I don't get it...
1:22:29 > 1:22:32What are you playing at? You're all crackers!
1:22:32 > 1:22:34Nothing like a family feud, Dicky, is there?
1:22:34 > 1:22:37Crazy people! You're all crazy people!
1:22:37 > 1:22:39DOORS OPEN
1:22:47 > 1:22:49BANGING
1:22:49 > 1:22:52You brought them here! You bastard!
1:22:52 > 1:22:55You're a dead man, Dicky Bird! You are a dead man!
1:22:55 > 1:22:57YELLING
1:23:20 > 1:23:22Cheerio, folks!
1:23:28 > 1:23:30HE SPLUTTERS
1:23:42 > 1:23:45SPRAY HISSES
1:23:47 > 1:23:49SHOUTING
1:24:21 > 1:24:23You bastard!
1:24:23 > 1:24:26BANGING AND YELLING
1:24:26 > 1:24:28Nobody fucks the Bunny!
1:24:28 > 1:24:29I'm going to have you!
1:24:32 > 1:24:35I'll have you, you bastard, Bird!
1:24:43 > 1:24:45THEY YELL
1:24:56 > 1:24:58They used me. They all used me.
1:24:58 > 1:25:02They could've picked up the telephone if they wanted to talk to each other.
1:25:02 > 1:25:05And the girl, all along it turns out that she's McCool's daughter.
1:25:05 > 1:25:08- Do you want some egg, Alan? - Egg? Oh, no, thanks, Colin.
1:25:10 > 1:25:12All the best fights happen inside families.
1:25:12 > 1:25:15Yeah, that's what Trevor said shortly before he demolished my car.
1:25:15 > 1:25:17I just don't see any hope for the world.
1:25:17 > 1:25:21People want to damage each other over ice cream, we're doomed.
1:25:21 > 1:25:24I don't know, I think ice cream's quite important.
1:25:24 > 1:25:27- Isn't it, girls?- Yes!
1:25:27 > 1:25:29Did you pay the milk this morning?
1:25:29 > 1:25:31No, you paid him two weeks last week.
1:25:31 > 1:25:33I wasn't here last week, love.
1:25:33 > 1:25:36- Oh, Colin, you said you were going to.- I told you.
1:25:36 > 1:25:40Look, I haven't got any cash to pay him this morning.
1:25:40 > 1:25:42You remembering that Lily's got to be at her party at two o'clock?
1:25:42 > 1:25:46- Can you take her? - If I'm back, love, OK?
1:25:48 > 1:25:51- She's got two brothers, this girl? - Yes.
1:25:51 > 1:25:53Well, that explains her rebellion, anyway.
1:25:53 > 1:25:55That's what got McCool really angry.
1:25:55 > 1:25:59His daughter mixed up with a fish and chip family. He's mortified.
1:25:59 > 1:26:02Ice cream and chips!
1:26:02 > 1:26:05Eh? No, no.
1:26:06 > 1:26:08No, it couldn't work.
1:26:08 > 1:26:12You said you would get me a request today, Dicky.
1:26:12 > 1:26:14Oh, so I did, Lily, I'm sorry.
1:26:14 > 1:26:16Don't worry, I'll fix it.
1:26:16 > 1:26:18I'll go into the station after I've had my breakfast
1:26:18 > 1:26:20and Rufus, he'll let me on for a minute or two.
1:26:20 > 1:26:22You watch out for the ice-cream men, OK?
1:26:22 > 1:26:25Aye. I've got to do something about them.
1:26:25 > 1:26:28They're all so angry they can't think straight.
1:26:28 > 1:26:30Let me into the studio, Rufus, just for one minute.
1:26:30 > 1:26:33It's to say hello to a kiddie and an old lady that's in hospital, that's all.
1:26:33 > 1:26:36Sorry, Alan, I'd have to clear it with Hilary first.
1:26:36 > 1:26:38I don't know what happened between you two.
1:26:38 > 1:26:40- You'll have to clear it. - You're a shit, Rufus.
1:26:40 > 1:26:42I let you onto my show on Mother's Day, remember?
1:26:42 > 1:26:44Just because you hadn't phoned her for three weeks.
1:26:44 > 1:26:46Just give me the names and I'll take care of it, OK?
1:26:46 > 1:26:48OK, thank you.
1:26:48 > 1:26:51Well, this is to Andrew from Lily, but don't mention her name,
1:26:51 > 1:26:55and to a Miss Wilson in the Western Infirmary,
1:26:55 > 1:26:57just lots of love from me, OK? Thanks.
1:26:57 > 1:27:00- Which ward? - Oh, I don't know which ward.
1:27:00 > 1:27:03I'll play them something nice, Alan. No sweat.
1:27:03 > 1:27:04No heavy metal, please.
1:27:04 > 1:27:06Well, after all that exercise,
1:27:06 > 1:27:09let's all sit down and think about a nice fattening pudding.
1:27:09 > 1:27:11And here's Katie Pollock with today's recipe.
1:27:11 > 1:27:14It sounds delicious. Banana fritters.
1:27:14 > 1:27:18'Hello, everyone. The Chinese are the acknowledged masters
1:27:18 > 1:27:19'in the art of fritter-making.
1:27:19 > 1:27:22'Everything from the humble apple and pineapple fritters
1:27:22 > 1:27:27'to the rare and exotic, and difficult, ice-cream fritter.
1:27:27 > 1:27:30'But today we'll concentrate on the easy-to-make banana fritter,
1:27:30 > 1:27:35'a very delicious hot sweet that'll make a change from leftover Christmas pudding.'
1:27:35 > 1:27:37She said ice-cream fritters.
1:27:37 > 1:27:40- Sorry, Alan?- Katie Pollock, she said ice-cream fritters.
1:27:40 > 1:27:42Yeah, that's right. Like baked Alaska.
1:27:42 > 1:27:45- How do you make them? - Ask Katie Pollock.
1:27:45 > 1:27:48Yeah, but what... Is she a real person?
1:27:48 > 1:27:51I don't know if she's a real person but she's Hilary Sandiman's wife.
1:27:51 > 1:27:53'..baking the banana before frittering,
1:27:53 > 1:27:56'but I don't hold with that. I think it's worth the extra effort...'
1:27:56 > 1:27:58Yeah, Hilary, much better. Yeah, fine.
1:27:58 > 1:28:00Everything's going to work out fine.
1:28:00 > 1:28:02Oh, yeah, the angry scenes are subsiding.
1:28:02 > 1:28:05No, I really phoned about something else, Hilary.
1:28:05 > 1:28:06I wanted to speak to Heather.
1:28:06 > 1:28:09I never realised that she was Katie Pollock.
1:28:09 > 1:28:13I wanted to ask her for a recipe.
1:28:13 > 1:28:15Just a recipe.
1:28:15 > 1:28:17Eh? No, no, I'm fine, honestly.
1:28:17 > 1:28:20I'm cool, everything's cool. Yeah, good shape, good shape.
1:28:20 > 1:28:22But I do need a recipe from Katie...I mean, Heather,
1:28:22 > 1:28:25and it's quite urgent.
1:28:25 > 1:28:29I swear to you, Hilary, I'm on top of the world, yes, but...
1:28:29 > 1:28:32It's a specific recipe.
1:29:07 > 1:29:09Trevor wants to see you.
1:29:09 > 1:29:11Oh, no, pal. No, you've got it wrong.
1:29:11 > 1:29:14No, I want to see Trevor.
1:29:14 > 1:29:16Oh, and, er, just one other thing...
1:29:20 > 1:29:22..from now on, if anybody hits this car,
1:29:22 > 1:29:25it'll be me and nobody else. Get in.
1:29:46 > 1:29:48TYRES SCREECH
1:30:02 > 1:30:06So, it's gone about as far as it can go, eh?
1:30:06 > 1:30:08Yeah.
1:30:08 > 1:30:10What does honour demand now?
1:30:10 > 1:30:12Hara-kiri?
1:30:12 > 1:30:14Look, I just wanted to tell you,
1:30:14 > 1:30:17I don't blame you for anything that's happened.
1:30:17 > 1:30:20Oh, thank you(!)
1:30:20 > 1:30:22You and I are going to see Mr McCool.
1:30:22 > 1:30:26I've got something to say to both of you. Fix it.
1:30:26 > 1:30:28- How?- Phone the bastard!
1:30:28 > 1:30:31Or would you rather send a war party?
1:30:31 > 1:30:32What do I say?
1:30:32 > 1:30:36Just tell him that I want to talk to him, that's all. He'll turn up.
1:30:43 > 1:30:45DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
1:30:53 > 1:30:56He's a weird old bugger, picking a place like this.
1:30:57 > 1:31:00What did he say on the telephone?
1:31:00 > 1:31:03He said they do a nice lemon meringue pie here.
1:31:03 > 1:31:05ALAN LAUGHS
1:31:05 > 1:31:07What's the joke?
1:31:07 > 1:31:09HE CONTINUES LAUGHING
1:31:14 > 1:31:16Oh, dear.
1:31:19 > 1:31:22ALAN SIGHS AND CHUCKLES
1:31:32 > 1:31:34- Hello, Trevor.- Hello, Uncle Luigi.
1:31:34 > 1:31:37- How's your mother? - She's very well, thanks.
1:31:37 > 1:31:39Good, good. Have a sweetie.
1:31:39 > 1:31:42ALAN LAUGHS
1:31:48 > 1:31:50Can we get down to business, Mr Bird, please?
1:31:52 > 1:31:56- You're Trevor's uncle?- That's right.
1:31:56 > 1:31:59All the best families fight. You know that, Mr Bird?
1:31:59 > 1:32:01Yes, I've heard that one a lot this week.
1:32:01 > 1:32:04Only I'm not family, and neither is my car,
1:32:04 > 1:32:08and neither are any of all those wonderful freedom-loving
1:32:08 > 1:32:12independent operators that you care about so deeply, Trevor.
1:32:12 > 1:32:15Now, I'm going to give you a chance to make it up.
1:32:15 > 1:32:19To me, to all those people that you have duped into believing in you,
1:32:19 > 1:32:21and to yourselves.
1:32:21 > 1:32:26You're going to work together on this, a joint venture.
1:32:26 > 1:32:27What is it?
1:32:28 > 1:32:31Ice-cream fritters.
1:32:34 > 1:32:36THEY LAUGH
1:32:44 > 1:32:47Alan, you must be mad. Matto!
1:32:47 > 1:32:49You can't afford to laugh.
1:32:49 > 1:32:51You're going to annihilate one another.
1:32:51 > 1:32:53This way, you pool your resources.
1:32:53 > 1:32:56Your ice cream, your deep-fry shops, your trucks.
1:32:56 > 1:32:58You share a new product.
1:32:58 > 1:33:01600 million Chinese can't be wrong.
1:33:01 > 1:33:03600 million Chinese!
1:33:08 > 1:33:11Here's the secret bit.
1:33:18 > 1:33:20Eh-eh-eh!
1:33:25 > 1:33:28And we create...
1:33:28 > 1:33:32a commodity,
1:33:32 > 1:33:36which we sell at extreme profit to ourselves.
1:33:36 > 1:33:38Perfect, eh?
1:33:48 > 1:33:51OIL SIZZLES
1:34:22 > 1:34:26Oh, it's...hot, and, er, then it's cold.
1:34:26 > 1:34:28It's interesting. It's very, very interesting.
1:34:28 > 1:34:31It's bitter...and sweet.
1:34:31 > 1:34:34Syrup. It needs syrup.
1:34:34 > 1:34:37But the syrup will be extra, on the side.
1:34:37 > 1:34:40Five, even ten pence a portion.
1:34:40 > 1:34:43Aye, and 30, 40 pence a fritter. More, maybe.
1:34:43 > 1:34:46More, definitely more. It's a luxury item.
1:34:46 > 1:34:48It needs a royal name.
1:34:48 > 1:34:50King Fritter.
1:34:50 > 1:34:51That's too obvious.
1:34:51 > 1:34:56We're going to precook, freeze-pack and microwave at point of sale.
1:34:56 > 1:35:00Hot ice cream, year-round sales.
1:35:00 > 1:35:03Summer and winter! It's a miracle!
1:35:03 > 1:35:06- It's a miracle!- Hey, hey, hey, slow down, slow down.
1:35:06 > 1:35:08You haven't said if you liked it yet. Do you like it?
1:35:08 > 1:35:10- It's a winner, Dicky! - Well done, Dicky!
1:35:10 > 1:35:14- 50-50 on the whole thing, Trevor. Manufacturing, sales.- Yep.
1:35:14 > 1:35:17Paolo and I can handle the syrups. Maybe five or six flavours.
1:35:17 > 1:35:20Flavours! Good boy, Bruno. You got the syrups.
1:35:20 > 1:35:22- THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE - Slow down, slow down, slow down.
1:35:22 > 1:35:25If you're talking business, you ought to be talking to me.
1:35:25 > 1:35:28Don't you worry, Dicky. We need a big campaign behind this one.
1:35:28 > 1:35:31Revolutionise the market. You can do the voice-overs.
1:35:31 > 1:35:35You boys can run the show, that's fine. But, er, I'm in for...
1:35:35 > 1:35:38what, er, 30% off the top?
1:35:38 > 1:35:40You could call that a consideration
1:35:40 > 1:35:43for having thought up the whole damned idea in the first place.
1:35:43 > 1:35:46And just in case you get any fancy ideas,
1:35:46 > 1:35:48you won't find this in any cookery book.
1:35:48 > 1:35:50This is a batter adhesive agent.
1:35:50 > 1:35:53Without this, you get a sticky, gooey mess.
1:35:53 > 1:35:57The Chinese don't tell everybody about this one.
1:35:57 > 1:36:01So, why don't we just visit a lawyer first thing Monday morning
1:36:01 > 1:36:04and make this wonderful friendship legal?
1:36:04 > 1:36:09Oh, and just one other further item of mutual company expenditure,
1:36:09 > 1:36:13my car gets a new roof. OK?
1:36:13 > 1:36:15Yeah, sure, Dicky.
1:36:15 > 1:36:17OK, Dicky.
1:36:17 > 1:36:20McCool, I think, offers a fantastic name.
1:36:20 > 1:36:23No, no, we need something short and sweet, right?
1:36:23 > 1:36:25- Bunny Fritz? - No, Cool Bun Fritters.
1:36:25 > 1:36:30Well, it's 4pm on this lovely, peaceful Christmas afternoon,
1:36:30 > 1:36:33and this is Dicky Bird here being a very happy Christmas worm.
1:36:33 > 1:36:37You know, I got really sentimental after the morning show today,
1:36:37 > 1:36:40and I thought about poor old Steve Kelly having to come in here,
1:36:40 > 1:36:43spend the afternoon away from his lovely wife and happy kids.
1:36:43 > 1:36:47So bachelor boy Dicky volunteered. And here I am.
1:36:47 > 1:36:49I must be crackers. Matto, crazy.
1:36:49 > 1:36:51But to tell you the truth,
1:36:51 > 1:36:54we're having a pretty good time in Metro Sound today.
1:36:54 > 1:36:55There's definitely a party atmosphere.
1:36:55 > 1:36:57We've got the food, we've got the goodies,
1:36:57 > 1:37:01and the odd drink or two, so don't you feel too sorry for us.
1:37:01 > 1:37:05Anyway, Hilary Sandiman has promised all us Christmas workers
1:37:05 > 1:37:08an extra four weeks' holiday in the Caribbean
1:37:08 > 1:37:11as a means of compensation, so that can't be at all bad.
1:37:11 > 1:37:13What an awfully nice boss Hilary is.
1:37:13 > 1:37:16So I hope that you'll stay with us and let us join your party,
1:37:16 > 1:37:20or if you haven't got a party of your own, you come and join ours.
1:37:20 > 1:37:24So, cheers, everybody,
1:37:24 > 1:37:27in this great, big, weird and wonderful city of ours.
1:37:27 > 1:37:29And listen, folks,
1:37:29 > 1:37:32I'm not going to tell you what the time is today,
1:37:32 > 1:37:34or tell you what the traffic is doing,
1:37:34 > 1:37:36or tell you what's happening with the weather. Oh, no.
1:37:36 > 1:37:39We're going to have a day away from all that.
1:37:39 > 1:37:42I'm just going to sit back, play you some very nice music,
1:37:42 > 1:37:43talk my head off,
1:37:43 > 1:37:46and tell you some of the worst jokes that you're ever likely to repeat.
1:37:46 > 1:37:49So, in the meantime, here's a little bit of music
1:37:49 > 1:37:52while I tuck into my Christmas pud.
1:37:52 > 1:37:54Mm-mmm!
1:37:54 > 1:37:56Merry Christmas, everybody!
1:37:56 > 1:37:59God bless us, every one.
1:37:59 > 1:38:01JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
1:38:08 > 1:38:10'Hello, folks, this is Dicky Bird,
1:38:10 > 1:38:13'and I'm here to tell you that winter will never be the same again.
1:38:13 > 1:38:17'From this Monday, exclusively from all Mr McCool and Mr Bunny outlets,
1:38:17 > 1:38:22'you'll be able to enjoy the new taste sensation, Frosty Hots,
1:38:22 > 1:38:25'a smooth and creamy ice cream wrapped in delicious hot batter
1:38:25 > 1:38:28'and smothered in your favourite fruity syrup. Wow!
1:38:28 > 1:38:30'And guess what? I invented it!
1:38:30 > 1:38:33'Yes, I tell you that once my Frosty Hots reach the Eskimos,
1:38:33 > 1:38:35'they won't need igloos any more.
1:38:35 > 1:38:37'But right now, Frosty Hots are for you,
1:38:37 > 1:38:39'so stop a Bunny or McCool van.
1:38:39 > 1:38:43'Ice cream will never be the same again.'
1:38:43 > 1:38:46- 'Sorry, Alan, we'd like to go again. - 'Ah, shit.'