0:02:33 > 0:02:37'This is the story of my brave, foolish friend, Harry Deane.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40'Mr Deane's work as an art curator in London
0:02:40 > 0:02:44'had gone, he felt, largely unappreciated.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45'He told me of countless insults
0:02:45 > 0:02:48'suffered at the hands of his employer,
0:02:48 > 0:02:52'Lionel Shabandar, media tycoon, art collector
0:02:52 > 0:02:55'and an absolute brute of a fellow.'
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Do not touch my person. You!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Yes, my lord? - Idiot! Give me your boot.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05'40 years ago, I'd have called this Shabandar a cad.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07'Now the prevailing parlance for a fellow of this type
0:03:07 > 0:03:11'is, I believe, shitbag.'
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Hello.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14This bloody thing is not operational.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Ah, well, that's because, I believe, my lord...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Because you believe what, you steaming turd?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23'Now he would have his revenge,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26'for Mr Deane had a plan.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28'To be grandiose, a heist.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31'To be accurate, a bit of a thieving.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33'This is where I came in.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38'I am, you see, a rather capable forger of fine art.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42'I was pleased my little hobby might prove of use to him.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48'The plan relied on securing the aid of one PJ Puznowski.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50' "Find this Puznowski,"
0:03:50 > 0:03:52'Mr Deane told me,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55'and it would all fall nicely into place.'
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Excuse me. We were given to understand
0:04:00 > 0:04:02that there was an equestrian tourney in the area.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Well, we got a law attorney,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08don't know his religion, up downtown Alpine.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11He's a fairy.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Moved here from Albuquerque,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16it'll be five, no, six years ago, come May.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Not that I judge.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20How terribly interesting,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22but is there a tournament of some description
0:04:22 > 0:04:24with various rowdy goings-on?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Rough-riding, bronc-busting sort of thing.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31It's a competition. A test of skill involving farm animals.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Yippee-ai-yay.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35CHEERING
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- ANNOUNCER:- All right, Pecos!
0:04:37 > 0:04:42This is the West of the Pecos Rodeo, featuring America's number-one team,
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Team Ghostrider with Tim Lepard and his cowboy monkeys.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- MAN:- Go on, Suzie! Go get 'em!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56And it's brought to you by Charlie Goodnight
0:04:56 > 0:04:57and all those good people
0:04:57 > 0:05:00down at Charlie Goodnight's Implements 'n' Feed.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Let's put some hands together for the monkeys!
0:05:14 > 0:05:19And first out of the chute is PJ Puznowski from down Terlingua way.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20There.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Going to try to put a rope around Rodney from
0:05:23 > 0:05:25the Lazy L Sickle Y Bar Ranch.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29And, folks, Rodney ain't going to be heppin' any.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43That's 11.7 for PJ Puznowski!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- That's her.- All right, Jammies!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54# If you want to go
0:05:54 > 0:05:56# Let's go rodeo
0:05:56 > 0:05:59# If you want to rock... #
0:05:59 > 0:06:02What makes you so certain she'll be game?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Good God, she works in a poultry processing plant for minimum wage.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- You think she'll turn this down? - How much are you going to tell her?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Just as much as she needs to know.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18WOMAN: That's nice.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33This is Major Nigel Nelson-Wingate, King's African Rifles, retired.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Sunday painter.- Madam.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Now, the simple question is,
0:06:44 > 0:06:50how would you like to make half a million pounds sterling?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I have a little plan.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Straight?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- CHAUFFEUR:- Have a good day, sir. - Shut up.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- Sorry, sir. - Bloody hell, man, be careful!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31WOMAN: Shabandar Media.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I wonder if you might approve this last photo layout for the Horse and Hunt.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Is there a problem, sir?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Slazenger, give me a loupe.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Haystacks, Dusk.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Get me Harry Deane.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Old man just called me up.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yes, he's expecting you.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- No, no, no.- Oh, I am sorry, sir.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14What? Come in. Have them proof it quick as possible.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18We'll try and get it into next month's. Deane, sit down.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Have a look at these.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I've sent the plane to collect this woman.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Arrives at Heathrow in about an hour. You'll pick her up.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Interesting. Oh, I see, the painting.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32A reproduction, though, in my opinion.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Bloody hell. Based on what?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37On the fact that it's hanging on the wall of a caravan, sir, in Texas.
0:08:37 > 0:08:43Yes, precisely. But whose caravan, you plank?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- The cowgirl, sir. - Puznowski, Deane.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52PJ Puznowski. Think, man.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You stupid bastard, what!
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Welcome to London.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Before we throw you into the thick of it,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I should give you a bit of the history.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Monet's Haystacks.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23On September 15th, 1891, during the course of one very productive day,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26the master Impressionist finished two oil paintings -
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Haystacks, Dawn, Haystacks, Dusk.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Haystacks, Dawn was traded amongst various private collectors
0:09:33 > 0:09:34over the years.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Haystacks, Dusk was put on display in Paris at the Jeu de Paume.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41That is, until the Nazi occupation of 1941.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Haystacks, Dusk was carted off to Carinhall,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49the private residence of Air Marshal Hermann Goering,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53for the delectation of his eyes only.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57In 1945, Carinhall is overrun by the first division of Patton's army,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00the Big Red One.
0:10:00 > 0:10:06The point platoon is led by Sergeant Brian "Bulldog" Puznowski,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08the Killer of Kilgore, Texas.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Your grandfather.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13For the next 67 years, the whereabouts of Haystacks, Dusk
0:10:13 > 0:10:16has proved one of the art world's most tantalising mysteries.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18And what is all this to Shabandar?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21A man of outsized appetites and enormous enthusiasms,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25and no few eccentricities, an avid nudist, a case in point.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Owing to his considerable fortune and my not inconsiderable knowledge,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31he has assembled the most important collection
0:10:31 > 0:10:33of Impressionist masterpieces in private hands.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37The prize? Haystacks, Dawn.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Acquired at auction 20 years ago in spirited bidding.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44The bid is with the gentleman on the aisle. The bid is £8 million.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- MAN: Good heavens. - I have eight and a quarter.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49The bid is with the gentleman on my left.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51The bid is against you, sir.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54The bid is £8,250,000.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Shabandar rolled all his competitive impulses into a ball
0:10:57 > 0:11:01and outbid his great rival, Akira Takagawa.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05He purchased the painting for £11 million.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13His ownership of the one has merely whet his appetite for the other.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15For years now, Shabandar has been seeking Haystacks, Dusk
0:11:15 > 0:11:18with a passion bordering on monomania.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19When he saw that photograph,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Shabandar conducted his own investigation into your family history.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Best to let the fish work the hook in himself, eh, Major?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Much the best, Mr Deane.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30He will want to negotiate the price with you.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33You must stick at 12 million.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Pounds.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39He'll pay it, no matter how much he protests.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Be firm. Be polite, but firm.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50He will try to charm you. He will try to impress you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Ms Puznowski! - He will try to...
0:11:52 > 0:11:55An honour! Welcome, welcome.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Painting in the gallery, men.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I knew a Koznowski once, charming man, no relation I suppose.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Baron Koznowski.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Quite the equestrian. Man had horse blood in his veins.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07This way, please.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Right, let's take a look, shall we?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Mere formality, of course.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, yes.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17So...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23What do you think, Deane?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- Yes, I'll need a few moments, sir. - Oh, yes. Quite.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You may not realise it, Ms Puznowski,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35but Harry Deane knows Monet like I know...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Actually, I don't know anything quite like that.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43The artist has used a light ground true to Monet's habit.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46The palette is very limited, no blacks or browns.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Cerulean blue and cadmium yellow to achieve his broken colour.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54And unlike the heartbreaking fraud perpetrated on the Austrians,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56the signature is correct.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03It is Monet and it is very fine indeed.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06And that, Mr Deane, is good enough for me.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Shall we discuss terms?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22WHIRRING
0:13:22 > 0:13:24WOMAN: System armed.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28System armed.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48MEOWS
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Hello, kitty.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Your wages.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58£500,000 and your ticket home. First class, of course.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01No, no, no. No, no, no. Please, do not thank us.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05It is the Major and I who should be thanking you for the self-possession,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07the good humour
0:14:07 > 0:14:09with which you played your small but vital part.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Eh, Major? - Hear, hear, sir. Jolly well played.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15We should be arriving at Heathrow in mere minutes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- MAJOR:- Mr Deane.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Mr Deane? Mr Deane.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Shouldn't have to tell her any more than that.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Quite right. But you will have to talk to her.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Hmm.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Back in a flash.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46'Mr Deane, for all his talents, was given to one particular flaw.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49'He saw the world as he wished to see it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51'But, as we know,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54'an optimist is simply a man who hasn't heard the news.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57'As my time in the African Rifles had taught me,
0:14:57 > 0:15:01'one ignored the elephant in the room at one's peril.'
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Half a million pounds sterling. Half a million...
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Hello. - I believe the lady said get lost.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- MAJOR:- I'll take the chunky one!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- MAN:- Going to open a can of whup-ass on you now.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Major, for heaven's sake, just be gentle.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- I'm trying to get... - No, that's enough.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Those people are barbarians. - Other countries, other customs.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- How are we going to meet this woman? - I remember one night in Botswana...
0:15:31 > 0:15:33She's surrounded by a Cro-Magnon Swiss Guard.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37This wasn't the plan, Major. How are we going to get back on plan?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40You boys OK, huh?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Faces still on right ways round?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Yes, thank you. All present and correct.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I do apologise on Merle. He just loves a brawl.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Nose been broke so many times, he had the cartilage taken out
0:15:52 > 0:15:55so there wouldn't be downtime between bar fights.
0:15:55 > 0:16:00An expedient we might consider if we spend much more time in Texas.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Hey-ho, friend. I wouldn't recommend it.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06May I draw your attention to the matter which brought us here to meet you?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Sure.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14So you're saying that's like 800,000 American? Wow!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16We don't have the money yet.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- But it's going to work out, right? - As long as we stay on plan.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Sounds like you really want to stick it to this guy. Here we are.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27TV: Inside is a man who weighs half a ton.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Michael was fork-lifted onto a stretcher
0:16:29 > 0:16:31for transporting killer whales.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Shame! Shame!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Hey, Grandma! All right, well, here it is. Take your pick.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Plenty of walls to choose from. - Good morning.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Too fat!
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Major, if you'd like to set your camera up over there.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Perhaps if your grandmother would move over for a moment.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Grandma Merle,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56these nice people want to take a picture here in the house.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Is everyone in this state named Merle?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- There you go. - Good God. Is she unwell?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Oh, no, she's fine. Grandma Merle just chews.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Ms Puznowski, could you slide a little closer to your grandmother?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Ready, ladies? Say cheese.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19WOMAN: Hard facts, honest reporting. Shabandar.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21His door is rather firmly shut at the moment.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Would you care to wait? - Yes, thank you, I'll wait.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33WOMAN: Lionel Shabandar explains his formula for success
0:17:33 > 0:17:36in his startling new autobiography, Me.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Welcome to the jungle. We're here to help you cut through...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Huh!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Shabandar Media. Creating...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Go right in, Mr Deane.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Your Lordship...- Yes, Deane?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16That's a very nice suit, sir.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- What?- Nothing.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I was leafing through the advance on the Horse and Hunt the other day.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- The layout pages. - Why on earth were you doing that?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Well, as a matter of fact, it's... Well, why be coy?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35It's a simple explanation, so simple, in fact, that I...
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Well, it's my favourite of your... of your publications, sir.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Our publications here at Shabandar Media.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47Without wanting to overstate things, I would say it may be my favourite...
0:18:47 > 0:18:52publication ever, without the... qualification of Shabandar Media,
0:18:52 > 0:18:53et cetera, et cetera.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Do you ride?- Good God, no.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57That is, I have ridden.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00A birthday party. They had ponies. Little Shetland ponies.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03We traipsed around in a circle in the garden.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07I was, oh, six, seven years old.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It was my friend Bobby Montaigne's birthday party.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12He's a speech pathologist now.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15And how well I remember it. Made a deep impression, sir.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- Is there something I can help with? - Yes, sir, there is. Thank you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22You see, I snuck an advance peek, as I said, at the Horse and Hunt.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I was struck most particularly by the piece on this PJ Puznowski,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27the Texan horse person.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Equestrienne, not a mutant or a mythical creature.
0:19:31 > 0:19:37One imagines a... Well, the bosom of a woman and the hindquarters of...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Did you happen to see it, sir? - Yes.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- I was struck by one particular picture.- Haystacks, Dusk.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Yes. Exactly, sir. - A reproduction, of course.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Really? You think so, sir? Based on what, if I may ask?
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Based on the fact that it was hanging on the wall of a bloody caravan in Texas.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58There is that.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- Is that all?- Yes, sir.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Thank you.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07But shouldn't we check, do research? I could put together a memo.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- One of your memos, yes. - The painting is so rarely reproduced,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I don't even know if I've seen a reproduction.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17And it's the very incongruity of it, hanging, as you so discerningly...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Fine. Ring this woman up and ask if she has an original Monet
0:20:20 > 0:20:24on the wall in Shitbird, Texas.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Did he bite, our little fishy? - He's not hooked yet.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- But he's circling the bait. - Not sure I follow you, old thing.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36He's seen the painting and he's considering being intrigued.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Considering?- Considering being, yes.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Where's the girl? - In a hotel in Dallas.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Why is she in a hotel in Dallas? - The passport office is there.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48It turns out that the dear girl's never been out of the country.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Now, ordinarily, a passport takes eight weeks, but they can expedite.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Pay a couple of hundred pounds, they'll hurry it along.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00That's very nice of them. Couple of hundred.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Right.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Your post, Mr Deane.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16It is extraordinary, isn't it?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Well, it's very amusing if you should turn out to have been right.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24I am here to amuse, sir. So shall we bring her in?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- Who? - The cowgirl, sir. PJ Puznowski.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Her grandfather, and all this confirmed in the US military records,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Bulldog Puznowski.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Yes, yes, I read the memo, but why would I bring her in?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39If the painting is real and if she wants to sell it,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I certainly don't want to seem overly eager. No, no, no, no.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Ring her up and tell her if ever she finds herself in London,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I'd be happy to carve out a few minutes for a chat.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Let her invest in the deal coming off.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56- I see, sir. It's brilliant. - Nonsense, Deane. It's elementary.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- Prat.- Wanker.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- Unrestricted economy fare. - That's what they call it, sir.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Of course, they use the word "economy" with a certain looseness.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Looseness? It's a positive leap of the poetic imagination.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Very good, sir. Well put.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Still, we can't count our pennies. - Oh, no, sir.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Not with millions in the offing.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- There she is. - Great to meet you. You take care.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Hey, boys! Hi!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Wow. That was a very comfortable flight.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Excellent. Welcome to London.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Thank you. Oh, thank you, Major.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Yes, still holding.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Can't see her today? Any time today?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43At the end of the day, could he see her? Needn't take long.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48No, I understand. No, I understand.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Right. Cheers.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56RHYTHMIC THUDDING
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Hey! Is this bothering you?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Not at all.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- I'm going to make some tea.- OK.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- What you got hanging here?- Sorry?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35On your wall. Is this a Monet?
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Careful.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Alfred Sisley. They were contemporaries.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48It's of his son, Pierre.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51The boy was ten at the time, I think.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Sure is small.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58It cost me a ridiculous amount of money. Rather put me in a hole.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I like it.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05It's nice.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09It's very beautiful.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Good morning. - You know what time it is, mate?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Yes, Mr Knowles. It's just coming...
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Morning.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Psst. Come on, wake up. He can see us now.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34WOMAN: Creating and distributing news, sports and entertainment.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Come on, let's go. - WOMAN: It's a jungle out there.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The lion's share of the world's media.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Shabandar. Hear us roar.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LION ROARS
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Let me do the talking.- Sure.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- Ms Puznowski. - Howdy.- Delighted to meet you.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Good grief, Deane. What happened to you?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57A fellow in the pub expressed a preference for Matisse over Cezanne.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Had to set him straight. I'm joking, of course.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Love Matisse. Use of colour.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06No, bent down to pick something up, bookshelf in the way. Hello, bango.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08So, shall we sit?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10So, how do you find London?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Well, everybody knows the answer to that one.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17You turn right at Greenland.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Indeed. And where are you staying?
0:25:19 > 0:25:24Er, well, one of them, erm, big hotels downtown.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I can't remember the name of it. You remember, Harry?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Connaught.- Me neither.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- But it's one of them big ones. - The Connaught.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33We spoke about the Connaught Hotel.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38That's a stupid name. Staff seems pretty can-do.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40You certain about the Connaught?
0:25:40 > 0:25:41- Sorry?- It's fine, I suppose.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45But I'll make a few calls, get our friend in at the Savoy.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- I much prefer it. - Sir, there's really no need.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Let him do it, Harry. I'm sure the service is plenty good there, too.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Good anywhere, I reckon, if you got the do-re-mi.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55And I don't mind shelling it out.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I guess Harry here told you about this here painting
0:25:58 > 0:25:59I'm aiming to unload.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Ms Puznowski feels that in light of the precedential value of the piece...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06You're hardly her agent, Deane.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07And anyway,
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Ms Puznowski seems perfectly capable of expressing herself.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Well, yes, sir.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13CHAIR BANGS
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Yes, sir. English is my mother tongue.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18But you don't have to Ms Puznowski me.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21No, you can call me PJ. Or Jammies.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24That's my rodeo handle. Or Philomena, which is my real name.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Well, thank you, PJ. And you may call me Lionel.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Let's hope doing business on a first-name basis
0:26:30 > 0:26:34will be conducive to plain speaking and clear understanding.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Amen to that, Lionel.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Well, then, let's get to it.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I want £12 million for this here picture.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43That's 6,000 tons if I've done my math right.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47And maybe you'd like to throw in a nice four-by-four to haul it off in,
0:26:47 > 0:26:51with an auto tranny, a CD deck and graduated tint on the windshields.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Please and thank you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Well, that's marvellous, and tell me, PJ,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01what makes you think this painting is worth £12 million?
0:27:01 > 0:27:06Well, Lionel, first off, it's oil. Ain't it, Harry?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Indeed, the medium is oil, and its provenance is promising.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17But I would like to take it to your country house to compare it to its mate.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Is it being shipped in? - Arrives Tuesday.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22You can run it up to the house.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24We'll take a look at it at the gala on Wednesday.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- You've never been to the house. - No, sir, no. I...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I have an annual party up at the estate.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33That sounds nice. That's another thing I got going in my favour.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34You've got this other Haystacks,
0:27:34 > 0:27:38and the man ain't churning 'em out, what with his being dead an' all.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43So, looks like if you want the set, I got you by the short and curlies.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46I don't think it's a situation of one party trying to subdue the other.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Nonsense. It's a pleasure doing business
0:27:48 > 0:27:52with someone who knows her position and is able to clearly set it out.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Unfortunately I have another appointment at 11 o'clock.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59But I believe this is worth pursuing.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Let's see if we mightn't find some common ground.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Why, thank you. A gentleman.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09Thank you.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11I'm booked the rest of the day and I have a business dinner.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15But a thought occurs to me. Perhaps you might be my dinner companion.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19We'd have time to talk and you might even help me with a business matter.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Thank you. That would be delightful.
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Don't bother yourself, Deane. I'm sure PJ and I can handle things.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28To plain speaking.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30- Yes, sir.- LIFT:- Going down.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32- Shall we say eight o'clock?- Sure.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Pick you up at...?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- The Savoy.- Why not?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46'As I drove the two of them to the most expensive hotel in London,
0:28:46 > 0:28:50'I was rather taken by Ms Puznowski.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52'Her invigorating lack of decorum
0:28:52 > 0:28:55'would have enraptured my younger self.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58'Still, for the successful execution of the plan,
0:28:58 > 0:29:02'Mr Deane would require a firm hand to bring her into line.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06'I won't deny I doubted the strength of his wrists.'
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I don't think I need to remind you, do I,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10of the consequences of room service?
0:29:10 > 0:29:13- Uh-huh. - This place is absurdly expensive.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Well, this was all your idea.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18- Not your actually staying here. - It's not my fault neither.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22We told him our story and either we keep laying on the bamboozlement
0:29:22 > 0:29:24or we might as well pack it in and go home.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Mamacita! I bet this place has cable.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29What are you doing?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33The Major gave me a rag to dry this
0:29:33 > 0:29:36and, good God, I believe it has motor oil on it.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40Hello. Do you have a single room?
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Very, very small. Tiny, in fact. Just for one evening.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Certainly, sir. I'll just take a look.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Not even the whole evening necessarily.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51We could just use it for...
0:29:51 > 0:29:54We are rather hemmed in at the moment, sir.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57All I see for this evening is a very comfortable suite
0:29:57 > 0:30:00- overlooking the river. - We'll take it.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Hold on. What's the tariff?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Hoss, if you're going to nickel-and-dime me,
0:30:05 > 0:30:06we can call this whole thing off.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Why would you have second thoughts?
0:30:10 > 0:30:13There's moral issues. Right and wrong.
0:30:13 > 0:30:14What would my momma have said
0:30:14 > 0:30:17if she saw me deceiving somebody with you and your little Major?
0:30:17 > 0:30:20The Major has made quite a mess here. It's really embarrassing.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24- Don't you feel a little ashamed? - I'm not remotely ashamed.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26- Just run that through. - Sir, I already have.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28There seems to be a problem with this card.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30Perhaps you've exceeded the limit.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32Bloody hell. All right, try the...
0:30:32 > 0:30:35This is a mistake. Try the American Express.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37I don't know why I worry. You ain't up to it anyway.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40- You or the Major. - The Major is quite capable.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- Well! - What? What's the laugh for?
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Laughing at the Major? He's handled better than you.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48He's been in any number of sticky spots in and out.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Should you choose to play coy this late in the game,
0:30:51 > 0:30:52the Major would be aroused
0:30:52 > 0:30:55and I could not be held responsible for the consequences.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58From what I've seen, ain't nothin' going to arouse the Major.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01Very good, sir. This one worked brilliantly.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05There you are. That's room 344.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Stay on topic. Keep it businesslike.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11The man is not above mixing the professional with the personal
0:31:11 > 0:31:14- to get what he wants. - What's that supposed to mean?
0:31:14 > 0:31:18Don't make me say it. The man is... Well, he's a cad.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21He's up to something. He excluded me from your little date.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Hell, maybe I don't mind being seduced,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26chased after by a multi-zillionaire.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28I don't know, that don't sound so terrible.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32What a depraved point of view. The man's money makes him attractive?
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Yeah. Money and manners. Momma always called money and manners
0:31:35 > 0:31:37the pork and beans of personality.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40- What an odd woman. - There we are. 344, right?
0:31:40 > 0:31:44And I beg you, do not abuse the minibar.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Is that...
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Good God!
0:31:54 > 0:31:57- It's a Ming.- Harry.
0:31:57 > 0:31:58Key.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00PJ LAUGHS
0:32:02 > 0:32:05- That's your side. - This is a real nice car, Lionel.
0:32:05 > 0:32:07- It's nicer than my house.- Indeed.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- Would you classify this as a limo? - Well, I suppose you could.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Shabandar.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Yes. Good to see you.
0:32:24 > 0:32:29Martin Zaidenweber, this is PJ Puznowski.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31This is her? It's so nice to meet you.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33It's very nice to see you too.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Are you excited to be here in London?
0:32:35 > 0:32:37I'm so excited. It's my first time.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39No! No, come on.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43Now, I have heard about this painting. I mean, what a story.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Almost incredible. Almost incredible.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47I thought it'd be good for you two to meet.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Martin will be examining your painting.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52He's going to curate my private collection.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Ja.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Wow. I thought that that's what Harry did.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01For the moment, but the man's a bit of an idiot.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04- Don't you think? - No, no, no, Shabandar.
0:33:04 > 0:33:09No. Harry is a good man. Not much of an eye, but a good man.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14I am for five years a director of the Kunst Museum in Cologne.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19Before that I curated the collection of Baron Thyssen-Bornemisza.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24But the Baron's collection is... heavily Flemish.
0:33:24 > 0:33:30Titian, Rubens, all the women, so zaftig und heftig.
0:33:30 > 0:33:35I mean, how many years can you spend looking at the Walloons, huh?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Anyway, now I prefer the Impressionists.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Und I'm now considered as the top man on Monet.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Say, your English is pretty darn good there, Martin.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47I mean, for someone from the country of Germany.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Oh, thank you. Well, I speak eight languages fluently.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Und I'm internet-savvy,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55but you have to be these days, don't you think?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57I pluck chickens, so there ain't a lot of call for me
0:33:57 > 0:34:00to be traipsing around tweetin' and bloggin'.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01Ja, ja.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07I'm unfamiliar with this expression, "I pluck chickens".
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Anyway, tell me this remarkable thing.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12This painting was hanging always in your house,
0:34:12 > 0:34:15ever since you can remember, even as a little kinder?
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Yep.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Hmm!
0:34:33 > 0:34:34Bloody hell.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38So, Harry's out on his butt, huh?
0:34:38 > 0:34:42Yes. Harry is, as you say, out on his butt.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44He's a bit of a disappointment, really.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46Something a little desperate about the man.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49- I don't know. - A little shifty, a little weak.
0:34:49 > 0:34:50Not that bright.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53I like to look a man in the eye, "Lionel Shabandar, how do you do?"
0:34:53 > 0:34:56"This is what I should like. What do you fancy?" Just have out with it.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59It's easier to live up to that when you're rich
0:34:59 > 0:35:00and can call all the shots.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03Character is tested in many ways. Money brings its own burdens.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07You, I'm certain, will pass every test. Deane, I don't know.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10I think maybe you're just not looking deep enough.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Like Momma said,
0:35:12 > 0:35:14if you can't tell the difference between a pig and a javelina,
0:35:14 > 0:35:18well, you could lose a big old chunk out of your ass.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Indeed.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27'Mr Deane was a proud man in a difficult moment.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30'His credit exhausted, his coffers near empty,
0:35:30 > 0:35:35'he was forced to contemplate desperate measures.
0:35:35 > 0:35:39'Yet he could allow no chink to appear in the plan.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41'And though his accomplice might seem, shall we say,
0:35:41 > 0:35:43'less than perfect,...
0:35:43 > 0:35:44KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:35:44 > 0:35:46'..he would maintain control.
0:35:46 > 0:35:51'These are the moments that try men's souls.'
0:35:51 > 0:35:53So how is His Lordship this evening?
0:35:53 > 0:35:55- He's...- No problems?
0:35:55 > 0:35:58- He wasn't rude or bullying, I hope. - No, he was polite enough.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01Hey, Harry, what are you doing with all your quarters?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04These, madam, are pounds and pence, not quarters.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08- Just putting my affairs in order. - Harry Deane, are you tapped out?
0:36:08 > 0:36:13Hardly. I do this periodically so as to have use of the jar.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16I bag the coins and donate the proceeds to charity.
0:36:16 > 0:36:17Uh-huh.
0:36:21 > 0:36:22Tea?
0:36:23 > 0:36:27So where do we stand with our little affair, scheme, programme?
0:36:27 > 0:36:31You know, hoss, I don't think it's going to work out.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33What? Nonsense. Everything's going according to plan.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36We have the painting, or so Shabandar believes.
0:36:36 > 0:36:39And I, my dear, have that credulous boob's confidence.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41On plan, don't you understand?
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Well, then, I guess it's just me having second thoughts, then.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48Second thoughts? Well, it's a little late for that, young lady.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- Don't "young lady" me, hoss. - Don't you "hoss" me, young lady.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53That is it.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57I have invested thousands of pounds in this little caper of ours,
0:36:57 > 0:37:02not to mention the Major, who has painted his heart, his soul, his guts
0:37:02 > 0:37:04into his forgery of Haystacks, Dusk.
0:37:04 > 0:37:06You call the Major, tell him about your second thoughts,
0:37:06 > 0:37:08your silly little...
0:37:08 > 0:37:10What is it anyway? Cold feet, moral qualms again?
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Yeah, that's part of it.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Besides, the man is a cold-blooded, heartless bully.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17- I happen to think he's quite charming.- Charming?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20He's charming in a thoroughly reptilian, repulsive way.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Repulsively charming.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24But you fail to see his manners are completely ersatz.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26I knew you were naive and provincial...
0:37:26 > 0:37:29And look at you, trash-talkin' my origins!
0:37:29 > 0:37:33I respect your origins, your entire double-wide way of life,
0:37:33 > 0:37:35but it does leave you vulnerable to...
0:37:35 > 0:37:38Leaves me vulnerable? I don't know how to tell you this, Harry.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41- But you're fired.- Oh, I'm fired?
0:37:41 > 0:37:43- Yep.- Very amusing.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46Let me remind you who's running this little enterprise, madam. Moi.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50And it is you who are fired! Except you're not.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52In due course,
0:37:52 > 0:37:54when I have authenticated the Major's beautiful work, then,
0:37:54 > 0:37:57then we shall discuss the termination of your employment
0:37:57 > 0:37:59and come to some understanding
0:37:59 > 0:38:03as to how to bear the onus of your ridiculous expenses.
0:38:03 > 0:38:08Wrong, hoss. Wrong, wrong and wrong.
0:38:08 > 0:38:12You are fired, by Lionel, cos he told me his self.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15He introduced me to some stuck-up heinie, Martin Zaidenweber,
0:38:15 > 0:38:16who's getting your job
0:38:16 > 0:38:19and you won't be authenticating your dumb old hay painting.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22So I'm going back to the Savoy to stay the night
0:38:22 > 0:38:24and I might just order up some surf 'n' turf.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26And tomorrow I'm going to Texas,
0:38:26 > 0:38:28get my job back at the chicken plant.
0:38:28 > 0:38:29It ain't no fault of mine
0:38:29 > 0:38:32that your whole cockamamie scheme just went blooey.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Hmm!
0:38:56 > 0:38:57HARRY GRUNTS
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Zaidenweber.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Hmm. It's a little late to apologise now.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17How could he? Zaidenweber.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20The man is a... Admittedly he knows his way around the Walloons.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22But when it comes to the Impressionists,
0:39:22 > 0:39:24the man is a hopeless ignoramus.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27This would be comical if it weren't actually dangerous.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28I refer not just to my nose,
0:39:28 > 0:39:31which this time I fear may be well and truly broken.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34Perhaps since our little caper is far from over,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37perhaps we should consider removing the cartilage.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Don't be an ass. I'm hardly likely to be hit in the face a third time.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43That was the third time, sir.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45This isn't a maths class.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48What are we going to do about Zaidenweber who, once hired on,
0:39:48 > 0:39:51is not going to authenticate our dumb old hay painting?
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Perhaps, Major, could you not contrive to neutralise him
0:39:56 > 0:40:00simply with a... well, with a gun of some sort?
0:40:00 > 0:40:05With a silencer screwed onto the tip of the thing, the barrel there?
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- Mr Deane.- Hmm?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11Too much? No, you're right, it's too outlandish.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13I'll take care of Zaidenweber.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15More pressing is how do we get our rogue elephant
0:40:15 > 0:40:19out of the most expensive hotel in London?
0:40:19 > 0:40:24Oh, er, sorry, sir. I haven't quite got the knack of this.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27She is a person without vision, Major.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31She cannot see the plan, so she will not believe in the plan.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Instant gratification is her modus vivendi, discipline a dirty word.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37There's something awfully refreshing about her.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40There's something refreshing about being plunged into an ice bath
0:40:40 > 0:40:42and flogged with a birch switch.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Oh, yes, good flogging.
0:40:44 > 0:40:49Madam Olga, Pennypockets Lane, third floor to the rear.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53MOBILE RINGS
0:40:53 > 0:40:56- Yeah?- HARRY: Martin?
0:40:56 > 0:41:00- Ja, this is Martin Zaidenweber, ja.- Martin, it's Harry.
0:41:01 > 0:41:06- Harry Trinkwasser?- No, Harry Deane, calling from London.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10- How's Cologne?- Cologne?
0:41:10 > 0:41:13Oh, ja! Cologne is...is good, not so bad.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Of course, I'm in Cologne. You catch me at my gym.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Practising physical culture.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I am gaily shvitzing away the kilos, you know?
0:41:21 > 0:41:23We have to fight the heftiness!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Oh, absolutely.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Look, I know this will seem a little out of the blue,
0:41:28 > 0:41:30and it's sort of embarrassing to say,
0:41:30 > 0:41:33but I'm calling to ask if you might have a job on offer soon.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35- Job? - I'm going to be free soon.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37I'm about to kiss Shabandar off.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40- You will kiss him off? - Quitting, yes.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Rather embarrassing, but Shabandar's having problems.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Business problems.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48Rumour has it he's built himself a bit of a house of cards.
0:41:48 > 0:41:51- A card house?- Yeah.
0:41:51 > 0:41:55Just last week, my paycheck didn't clear.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02- Good evening. - Good evening, sir.
0:42:02 > 0:42:05- What can we do for you? - Well, I'm checking my friend out.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07Lovely room. She's quite enjoyed her stay.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10But I can authorise no further payments against my credit card.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13So we're going to have to throw her out on her ear.
0:42:13 > 0:42:15- Actually... - Give her the old heave-ho.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16Bags packed, out on the pavement.
0:42:16 > 0:42:17Actually, sir,
0:42:17 > 0:42:21those charges have been assumed as of 4:17 this afternoon
0:42:21 > 0:42:23by another party.
0:42:23 > 0:42:28In fact, I believe she has been moved up to a senior suite.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30Senior suite.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33She's been moved up to... Who the bloody hell...?
0:42:33 > 0:42:36Lord Shabandar called round. You just missed him.
0:42:36 > 0:42:39He left with the young lady in evening wear.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Hmm.
0:42:41 > 0:42:42- Evening wear?- Yes, sir.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44- Quite striking.- Indeed.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47A gift from His Lordship.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50Fine. Excellent. Well, good, then.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54But I'd be happy to close out your account. Let me see.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Charges accumulating prior to this evening...
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Yes, here we are.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04It'll just be two shakes, sir.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18How is the... the Major this evening, sir?
0:43:19 > 0:43:21- Hmm?- The Major.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25He's all right, I suppose.
0:43:25 > 0:43:29- Seems like a busy little fellow. - Not so little, I would hazard.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34He's lost a bit of weight recently.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37- Semi-retired now. - That is a pity, sir.
0:43:37 > 0:43:41- At least it's...semi.- Hmm.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43PRINTER BEEPS
0:43:46 > 0:43:49Leaving that on the American Express card, are we, sir?
0:43:49 > 0:43:51Yes, thank you.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53PRINTER BEEPS
0:43:58 > 0:43:59PRINTER BEEPS
0:44:04 > 0:44:08Now, the task this evening is quite straightforward.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10The Japanese ran the world in the '80s
0:44:10 > 0:44:13and my little friend Takagawa screwed me a dozen times.
0:44:13 > 0:44:15Well, now the boot is on the other foot.
0:44:15 > 0:44:18So it's kind of like a grudge match.
0:44:18 > 0:44:21He's still pissed off that I beat him to Haystacks, Dawn.
0:44:21 > 0:44:24Now, if I can get his lackeys to sell me their 220 television channels,
0:44:24 > 0:44:28I become the third largest provider of premium cable in the whole of Asia
0:44:28 > 0:44:32and the Shabandar lion can finally roar over Japan.
0:44:36 > 0:44:39Hello. Good day, Mr Shabandar.
0:44:39 > 0:44:43I am your interpreter from Konichiwa Media Group.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46- I am Chuck.- Delighted to meet you.
0:44:46 > 0:44:50This is Ms Philomena Puznowski.
0:44:50 > 0:44:51Hi.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Hello. Good day.
0:44:53 > 0:44:57I am your interpreter from Konichiwa Media Group.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59I am Chuck.
0:44:59 > 0:45:02This is Mr Katsuhara Go.
0:45:02 > 0:45:06Very powerful big man of Konichiwa Media Group.
0:45:06 > 0:45:12I present Mr Shabandar and Ms Puznoskusam.
0:45:12 > 0:45:14Marvellous.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23I think we'll just pick up the names as we go along, don't you?
0:45:23 > 0:45:28- It's a pleasure to meet you all. - And that goes double for me.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31As I said, these dinners can be difficult.
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Don't worry. These guys seem pretty harmless.
0:45:33 > 0:45:36They're evil little shits. Watch me crush them.
0:45:41 > 0:45:45It occurs to me, I'm afraid I left my glasses up in the room.
0:45:45 > 0:45:49Would it... Would the key still work for me to run up and have a look?
0:45:49 > 0:45:53- You're wearing them, sir. - These, to be sure, yes.
0:45:53 > 0:45:57No, I mean my other glasses, my distance glasses.
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Distance.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03I'll run you another key, sir.
0:46:23 > 0:46:25Huh.
0:47:03 > 0:47:04MAID BELCHES
0:47:08 > 0:47:11LOCK CLICKS
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Bloody hell!
0:47:20 > 0:47:22Hello!
0:47:22 > 0:47:24Hello!
0:47:34 > 0:47:37This is Extra Vroom-Vroom channel.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39- Aim at people love car.- Hmm.
0:47:39 > 0:47:42This is Extra Killer Whale channel
0:47:42 > 0:47:46for people like watch whale eat other people.
0:47:46 > 0:47:49- Very popular after ten o'clock.- Hmm.
0:47:49 > 0:47:52This is Let's Young channel.
0:47:52 > 0:47:56For young teenage wear hair extra crazy,
0:47:56 > 0:47:59drink sake all night, puke in street.
0:47:59 > 0:48:02Combined viewer for Konichiwa TV,
0:48:02 > 0:48:0542 millions, I think.
0:48:05 > 0:48:08- Yes.- Yes, yes, very impressive.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10Of course, I'm familiar with the figures.
0:48:10 > 0:48:13SPEAKS JAPANESE
0:48:13 > 0:48:15However...
0:48:15 > 0:48:17SPEAKS JAPANESE
0:48:17 > 0:48:21..my offer for the group was made in pounds sterling, not yen.
0:48:21 > 0:48:24But the recent rise of your currency relative to the pound
0:48:24 > 0:48:27would raise my cost fully 10%,
0:48:27 > 0:48:30and that, gentlemen, is an obligation I never undertook
0:48:30 > 0:48:33and do not propose to undertake now.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45There is snow on the mountains in the winter
0:48:45 > 0:48:48and the man, in despair,
0:48:48 > 0:48:51cannot walk to the next valley.
0:48:51 > 0:48:55But in spring, snow melts
0:48:55 > 0:48:59and is remembered in tranquillity.
0:49:01 > 0:49:04Right. Sure, OK, I got you.
0:49:04 > 0:49:07Yeah, see, what I think the big man here is trying to tell you is
0:49:07 > 0:49:11he may have been tough on the price and a real son of a bitch until now,
0:49:11 > 0:49:15but if you kind of party down with him so he don't lose face,
0:49:15 > 0:49:16maybe things'll go your way.
0:49:16 > 0:49:20But he ain't about to say it straight out and look like a wimp, right?
0:49:23 > 0:49:25If you really want to butter these boys up,
0:49:25 > 0:49:28you ought to invite them all out to your house.
0:49:28 > 0:49:31You know, break some bread, mano a mano.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35Have 'em out for the gala, why don't you?
0:49:35 > 0:49:39Maybe you're right. God, what a bore.
0:49:44 > 0:49:45Can't be so terribly difficult.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53Just one foot...
0:49:54 > 0:49:56..in front of the other.
0:49:56 > 0:49:58MAN: Let's go dancing!
0:50:01 > 0:50:03LAUGHTER
0:50:31 > 0:50:33RIPPING
0:50:39 > 0:50:41RIPPING
0:50:41 > 0:50:42Oh, sod it.
0:50:42 > 0:50:46You're a bit of a marvel. I hope you'll stay on, even after the gala.
0:50:46 > 0:50:48I could use somebody with your qualities.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51Well, I guess I got qualities at that.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54That you do, Ms Puznowski. That you do.
0:50:54 > 0:50:56For Pete's sake,
0:50:56 > 0:50:58this time I think you really are trying to get me drunk,
0:50:58 > 0:51:00with all that rice wine an' all.
0:51:00 > 0:51:02Well, why not? No more business this evening.
0:51:02 > 0:51:04This is a strictly social part of the day.
0:51:04 > 0:51:09Let's get, as you might say, down, I believe, shall we?
0:51:09 > 0:51:14- Say that one more time, please. - AMERICAN ACCENT:- Let us get down.
0:51:28 > 0:51:30Oh, bugger me.
0:51:40 > 0:51:43Well, Lionel, tonight was real, real fun.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45That sounds like the past tense.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49The...
0:51:49 > 0:51:52Bloody tart!
0:51:58 > 0:52:02Well, that seems to have had the desired effect.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04My Pants.
0:52:04 > 0:52:07My bloody trousers!
0:52:08 > 0:52:12Lionel, you know, this ain't the place to be...
0:52:12 > 0:52:13Nonsense.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16This is precisely what hotels are for.
0:52:16 > 0:52:18In the tree!
0:52:18 > 0:52:21- MAN:- Taxi!- My bloody trousers!
0:52:23 > 0:52:28Out snogging about when I'm trying to bloody stay on plan.
0:52:33 > 0:52:34This is absurd.
0:52:51 > 0:52:52KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:52:52 > 0:52:54DOOR OPENS
0:53:00 > 0:53:03KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:53:03 > 0:53:06Good evening, madam. I am terribly sorry.
0:53:06 > 0:53:09Tomorrow evening's Kirov Ballet is quite sold out
0:53:09 > 0:53:10and it's the last performance.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13- Oh, my!- Yes.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16Shall we try The Cherry Orchard at the Duke of York's?
0:53:16 > 0:53:18- Yes, let's.- Lovely.
0:53:18 > 0:53:22Lovely. Still just the one... the one ticket?
0:53:22 > 0:53:25- Yes, just the one. - Lovely. As you please.
0:53:25 > 0:53:29- Have a very nice evening. - Yes, I shall try.
0:53:29 > 0:53:33Straight back into bed. My husband doesn't arrive until Thursday.
0:53:33 > 0:53:38Of course, madam. It must seem like an eternity.
0:53:41 > 0:53:42There.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53FARTS LOUDLY
0:54:02 > 0:54:04The vase.
0:54:06 > 0:54:09Just nipping down the hall for some ice.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23LIFT BELL RINGS
0:54:26 > 0:54:29You can fly private, but you still have to take the time.
0:54:29 > 0:54:32That's why you need a place like this to lay your sleepy head.
0:54:32 > 0:54:34Oh, look. Here we are.
0:54:34 > 0:54:38Here we are. Well, thanks for escorting me up, Lionel.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41I'm pretty tuckered out, so I should probably just...
0:54:41 > 0:54:44- Nonsense. Let's have a nightcap. - What?
0:54:44 > 0:54:47A nightcap, that's code, really, for a bit more conversation
0:54:47 > 0:54:51- and then...who knows?- Er...
0:54:51 > 0:54:54- Well... - I'm making you uncomfortable.
0:54:54 > 0:54:56- Perhaps another time. - Oh, no, that's fine.
0:54:56 > 0:55:01We should do it tonight, so here we go. Let's go on in. You first.
0:55:01 > 0:55:04- WHISPERS:- What are you doing? - WHISPERS: What?
0:55:04 > 0:55:07- Evening, Mr Deane.- Evening.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11Hey, get your butt in here. Come on.
0:55:13 > 0:55:16Quite the extensive bar. What are you having?
0:55:16 > 0:55:19Let me think about it. I'll be right there.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22- WHISPERS:- What are you doing here? Where are your pants?
0:55:22 > 0:55:25Hanging on the tree downstairs. What are you doing with Shabandar?
0:55:25 > 0:55:27They're what?
0:55:27 > 0:55:30Hanging on the tree downstairs.
0:55:30 > 0:55:32Good God, I can hardly put it more plainly!
0:55:32 > 0:55:35There's Scotch, gin, Jagermeister...
0:55:35 > 0:55:37Why would you hang your pants in a tree?
0:55:37 > 0:55:39- It ain't Christmas. - I didn't hang them there.
0:55:39 > 0:55:41Why did you invite Shabandar to your room?
0:55:41 > 0:55:44Do your orgiastic impulses know no limits? You've been drinking.
0:55:44 > 0:55:48If I want to have a nightcap, well, I am of drinking age and voting age
0:55:48 > 0:55:50and the age of consent.
0:55:50 > 0:55:52And I can have anyone I want up to my room,
0:55:52 > 0:55:55cos you ain't paying for it no more anyways.
0:55:55 > 0:55:59- What? Are you jealous? - Jealous? Don't be absurd.
0:55:59 > 0:56:00Champagne cooling.
0:56:00 > 0:56:05Are you coming out or are you slipping into something more approachable?
0:56:05 > 0:56:07Yeah, that's it.
0:56:07 > 0:56:09Your sense of shame is well and truly atrophied.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12Not only do you not seek to disguise your wanton behaviour...
0:56:12 > 0:56:15My behaviour? Why don't you go first?
0:56:15 > 0:56:17Why were you out on that ledge, what was in that vase
0:56:17 > 0:56:20and why are your pants hanging in a tree?
0:56:20 > 0:56:22You're a very suspicious person, really.
0:56:22 > 0:56:24There was nothing in the vase.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26As for the rest of it, it is involved,
0:56:26 > 0:56:27but unlike your shenanigans,
0:56:27 > 0:56:30there's a sensible plan governing my behaviour.
0:56:30 > 0:56:32Jealous. Good God.
0:56:32 > 0:56:36Ready or not, here I have to come.
0:56:36 > 0:56:37I need to use the lavatory.
0:56:37 > 0:56:41But I shall respect your modesty.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46DOOR CLOSES
0:56:46 > 0:56:48I don't suppose you could dash down and get my trousers?
0:56:48 > 0:56:51You get out of here, Harry Deane. You go get your own damn trousers.
0:56:51 > 0:56:53Well, thanks a lot.
0:56:55 > 0:56:57- So you don't have any ice, then? - What?
0:56:57 > 0:56:59What did you say?
0:56:59 > 0:57:01TOILET FLUSHES
0:57:01 > 0:57:03What did you say?
0:57:03 > 0:57:06- Do we have any ice? - No, not with champagne.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08- WHISPERS: Harry.- Harry.
0:57:08 > 0:57:12- Harry.- It's all right. I've practised.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16Are you decent? I'm coming out.
0:57:19 > 0:57:23I've never told you, have I, the story of the Shabandar lion?
0:57:23 > 0:57:24GROWLS
0:57:24 > 0:57:27Oh! Wanker.
0:57:49 > 0:57:50KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:57:50 > 0:57:52DOOR OPENS
0:58:01 > 0:58:05Stroke of luck, madam. One ticket left for The Cherry Orchard.
0:58:05 > 0:58:08- Third row in the stalls, aisle seat. - Ah, wonderful.
0:58:08 > 0:58:10Splendid. Book that for you straightaway.
0:58:10 > 0:58:13Oh, that's where it is. Excuse me.
0:58:13 > 0:58:16Housekeeping.
0:58:16 > 0:58:18Evening, Mr Deane.
0:58:19 > 0:58:21Sometimes I wonder if they drink.
0:58:23 > 0:58:24Right, shan't bother you again
0:58:24 > 0:58:29and I'll tell switchboard to put a Do Not Disturb on room 318.
0:58:32 > 0:58:34318?
0:58:39 > 0:58:41- Good evening. - Good evening, sir.
0:58:41 > 0:58:45- Did you find your glasses? - Yes, thank you. Got 'em right here.
0:58:45 > 0:58:47Not forgetting anything else, are we, sir?
0:58:47 > 0:58:49No, no, I shouldn't think so.
0:58:52 > 0:58:56- MAN: At least he's wearing a tie. - Extraordinary fellow.
0:59:22 > 0:59:24Good morning.
0:59:29 > 0:59:32Harry Deane, are you spying on me?
0:59:32 > 0:59:35No, not at all. It's just that seducing Shabandar,
0:59:35 > 0:59:37last I checked, was not part of our plan.
0:59:37 > 0:59:39Well, like Momma always used to say,
0:59:39 > 0:59:42scratch it if it itches, even if it's in your britches.
0:59:42 > 0:59:45Miss, I've had sufficient of your mother's gnomic utterances.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47Relax, Harry.
0:59:47 > 0:59:51Face it, our little plan ain't exactly operational any more.
0:59:51 > 0:59:53You're wrong.
0:59:53 > 0:59:54Look...
0:59:59 > 1:00:03We gotta have a little talk here. See, there's two kinds of people.
1:00:03 > 1:00:07There's people like Lionel with big deals and big cars and manners an' all,
1:00:07 > 1:00:08and there's people like us.
1:00:08 > 1:00:11Look at you, running around all desperate and cockamamie,
1:00:11 > 1:00:15pretending like you're going to take Lionel for a gazillion dollars.
1:00:15 > 1:00:17Well, Harry Deane, it ain't going to happen.
1:00:17 > 1:00:22You're not Lionel, and why would you want to be?
1:00:22 > 1:00:23You got your own thing going on,
1:00:23 > 1:00:26with all your art and your beautiful little painting.
1:00:28 > 1:00:32But you gotta quit trying to be something you're not.
1:00:32 > 1:00:35It's OK, you know. You being you is...is OK.
1:00:38 > 1:00:42Look, I understand how certain unforeseen wrinkles in my plans
1:00:42 > 1:00:45have conspired to diminish your confidence in me.
1:00:45 > 1:00:48Consider that you might still have an obligation,
1:00:48 > 1:00:50having incurred considerable expense,
1:00:50 > 1:00:52having pledged a degree of cooperation
1:00:52 > 1:00:57and having... having wounded me personally
1:00:57 > 1:01:00by fraternising with a man who does not deserve your respect,
1:01:00 > 1:01:03who's a cynical manipulator of those less powerful
1:01:03 > 1:01:05and who's a degenerate nudist at that.
1:01:05 > 1:01:09Only person I've seen traipsing round London in their underwear is you.
1:01:09 > 1:01:10That is not the point.
1:01:13 > 1:01:16You sure do have nice eyes for a fella who never smiles.
1:01:16 > 1:01:19Too bad you're all wrapped up in your crazy scheme.
1:01:19 > 1:01:23Maybe you could ungrit your teeth a little bit every once in a while.
1:01:27 > 1:01:29OK, I get it.
1:01:29 > 1:01:34I think it's trouble, but... I'll play along at Lionel's party,
1:01:34 > 1:01:37if that's what you want.
1:01:37 > 1:01:40Yes, yes. Thank you, madam, that is all I ask.
1:01:43 > 1:01:46I'm certain after tonight, you shall have reason to admire the skills
1:01:46 > 1:01:50of a reborn, reinvigorated and surprisingly capable Harry Deane.
1:01:51 > 1:01:53If you say so.
1:01:56 > 1:01:58CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS
1:02:14 > 1:02:18- MAN 1:- Very good evening to you. - MAN 2:- You're most welcome.
1:02:23 > 1:02:24Thank you.
1:02:26 > 1:02:30'There are moments in a life that define a man.
1:02:30 > 1:02:32'This was Mr Deane's.
1:02:32 > 1:02:35'He was sprung for action
1:02:35 > 1:02:39'and yet perfectly capable of blowing it completely.'
1:02:39 > 1:02:40Here we go.
1:02:48 > 1:02:50Zowie.
1:02:56 > 1:02:58- This the painting? - Painting's in the crate.
1:02:58 > 1:03:01This is my easel so I can have a look at the bloody thing.
1:03:01 > 1:03:04Uncrate the painting in the gallery. I'll look at it up there.
1:03:04 > 1:03:06Managed to get hold of the guest list.
1:03:06 > 1:03:08No sign of Zaidenweber, thank God.
1:03:08 > 1:03:11You should go, Major. No reason to put yourself at risk.
1:03:11 > 1:03:13You know where to find me.
1:03:13 > 1:03:15Good luck, old thing.
1:03:27 > 1:03:28- Howdy.- Good evening.
1:03:28 > 1:03:31- Hey, there. Great mask. - Thank you.
1:03:31 > 1:03:33- Hi.- Good evening.
1:03:36 > 1:03:38GROWLS
1:03:38 > 1:03:40I'm so glad you could make it
1:03:40 > 1:03:43and that you've decided to consummate our little transaction.
1:03:43 > 1:03:47Perhaps you might allow me to do the same with our other little affair.
1:03:47 > 1:03:49You can try all you want, Shabby.
1:03:49 > 1:03:51Shabby.
1:03:51 > 1:03:55- Shabandar-san!- Oh, Christ.
1:03:55 > 1:03:57It is I, Chuck.
1:03:57 > 1:04:01We wish to thank you for extending
1:04:01 > 1:04:04of your hospitality of your extra-big house.
1:04:04 > 1:04:09Oh, yes, quite. Delighted. I see you managed to find the bar.
1:04:09 > 1:04:13And if you're hungry, there's a big old spread over there.
1:04:13 > 1:04:15Our boy Lionel pulled out all the stops.
1:04:15 > 1:04:17Many thanks, Ms Puzkoza.
1:04:17 > 1:04:19SPEAKS JAPANESE
1:04:27 > 1:04:30- Hey, Harry.- Oh, Deane.
1:04:30 > 1:04:33They probably think you're pretty strange too, Lionel,
1:04:33 > 1:04:35what with you being a nudist an' all.
1:04:35 > 1:04:38What with my being a what?
1:04:38 > 1:04:40- A nudist. - Nothing wrong with that, is there?
1:04:40 > 1:04:43Hell, no. I think it's real relaxing going naked.
1:04:43 > 1:04:45What the devil are you talking about?
1:04:45 > 1:04:49I understood you to have said once that you attended the Eden Retreat.
1:04:49 > 1:04:52That isn't a nudist gathering. Somebody's been having you on.
1:04:52 > 1:04:55It's one of the most formal gatherings you could imagine.
1:04:55 > 1:04:58Once again, Deane, you have things arse backwards.
1:04:58 > 1:05:01- I understand, sir. I apologise. - Just forget it.
1:05:01 > 1:05:05Deane...we really need to have a private talk.
1:05:05 > 1:05:07There is something I have to discuss with you.
1:05:07 > 1:05:09You boys get your bellies full?
1:05:09 > 1:05:12Blast, here they come again. I would rather not have to talk to them.
1:05:12 > 1:05:15- Can't we just do business? - I can take care of these old boys.
1:05:15 > 1:05:18And I shall just pop up and examine the painting.
1:05:18 > 1:05:22Gentlemen. Found some nourishment, I see.
1:05:22 > 1:05:27Have you boys heard of a little thing called live karaoke?
1:05:27 > 1:05:29SPEAK JAPANESE
1:05:38 > 1:05:41# How lucky can one guy be?
1:05:41 > 1:05:45# I kissed her and she kissed me
1:05:45 > 1:05:47# Like a fella once said
1:05:47 > 1:05:50# Ain't that a kick in the head?
1:05:52 > 1:05:55# The room was completely black... #
1:06:01 > 1:06:03Thank you, gents. That'll do.
1:06:27 > 1:06:28Hmm.
1:06:28 > 1:06:33Whoo! Let me tell you a little bit about Texas.
1:06:33 > 1:06:37# The stars at night are big and bright
1:06:37 > 1:06:41# Deep in the heart of Texas
1:06:41 > 1:06:46# The prairie sky is wide and high... #
1:06:55 > 1:06:57# Yippee-ai!
1:06:57 > 1:07:01# Deep in the heart of Texas. #
1:07:04 > 1:07:08That's my boys! Deep in the heart of Texas!
1:07:21 > 1:07:24Assuming I close this deal, may we conclude yours as well?
1:07:24 > 1:07:25The painting arrived, yes?
1:07:25 > 1:07:28Harry told you he was going to take a look at it.
1:07:28 > 1:07:31No, he couldn't have. My security's on, you see.
1:07:31 > 1:07:33Your security?
1:07:33 > 1:07:35It's quite an ingenious system. I dreamt it up myself.
1:07:35 > 1:07:37I hope he's not stupid enough to have gone up there.
1:07:37 > 1:07:40Then again, we are talking about Deane.
1:07:49 > 1:07:50MEOWS
1:07:55 > 1:07:57MEOWS
1:08:08 > 1:08:11GROWLS
1:08:11 > 1:08:13Oh. Shit.
1:08:15 > 1:08:17Go away.
1:08:17 > 1:08:19GROWLS
1:08:19 > 1:08:21No, there's no need for that.
1:08:22 > 1:08:24Now, stop it.
1:08:25 > 1:08:27Stop it. Oh!
1:08:27 > 1:08:28Harry?
1:08:30 > 1:08:32Damn.
1:08:34 > 1:08:37OK, Harry, I'm going to have to take him down.
1:08:37 > 1:08:39Ya! Come on, big boy!
1:08:40 > 1:08:44Bad lion! Bad lion! Come on!
1:08:44 > 1:08:47Heel! Come on!
1:08:54 > 1:08:55To the deal, then.
1:08:55 > 1:08:57SPEAKS JAPANESE
1:08:57 > 1:08:59ALL: Banzai!
1:08:59 > 1:09:01ALL: Oh!
1:09:05 > 1:09:07GROANS
1:09:07 > 1:09:10Well, that's that.
1:09:10 > 1:09:13- Are you sure he's secure? - That's a double granny.
1:09:13 > 1:09:15He can't work out of that.
1:09:15 > 1:09:17GROANS
1:09:17 > 1:09:20Ms Puznowski, your timing is impeccable.
1:09:20 > 1:09:22Thank you.
1:09:22 > 1:09:24I can handle anything that's got four legs.
1:09:24 > 1:09:26Once you trip 'em up, they're gravy.
1:09:26 > 1:09:28As your momma used to say. GROWLS
1:09:28 > 1:09:31I'm going to get somebody to deal with him.
1:09:37 > 1:09:39Hey, Shabby.
1:09:39 > 1:09:41Where on earth have you been?
1:09:41 > 1:09:42Well...
1:09:46 > 1:09:49God, Deane, this is so typical of you.
1:09:49 > 1:09:53What on earth were you doing larking about up here creating a nuisance?
1:09:53 > 1:09:56More than a nuisance, a bloody dangerous situation.
1:09:56 > 1:09:58PJ could well have been mauled, and all to no end.
1:09:58 > 1:10:00Hardly to no end.
1:10:00 > 1:10:02It is my job to ensure the integrity of the collection.
1:10:02 > 1:10:04Sorry, Deane, it isn't your job.
1:10:04 > 1:10:07Sorry to have to break it to you like this,
1:10:07 > 1:10:09but we're knocking it on the head.
1:10:09 > 1:10:12I've got a new man. It was a bloody chore hiring him.
1:10:12 > 1:10:14I had to advance him two years' salary.
1:10:15 > 1:10:18- Zaidenweber?- Zaidenweber.
1:10:30 > 1:10:32I am pleased to inspect.
1:10:32 > 1:10:36- Fine, but I hardly think you're... - Stand down, Deane.
1:10:42 > 1:10:45How does it look, Martin? What do you say?
1:10:51 > 1:10:54Ja. Almost incredible.
1:10:55 > 1:10:58Almost incredible.
1:10:59 > 1:11:01But...
1:11:12 > 1:11:14Yeah.
1:11:15 > 1:11:17The painting is in order.
1:11:17 > 1:11:19- It's beautiful, isn't it?- Hm-hmm.
1:11:19 > 1:11:22The brush strokes. The impasto.
1:11:22 > 1:11:25Everything is just quite the way it should be.
1:11:25 > 1:11:28And there are certain things that you cannot phoney up.
1:11:28 > 1:11:32Gross depiction, maybe, but the finer fingerprints of technique, no,
1:11:32 > 1:11:34absolutely not, you cannot, no.
1:11:34 > 1:11:39I mean, this is, I have to say, really quite bloody marvellous.
1:11:39 > 1:11:41This is authentic.
1:11:41 > 1:11:45Now, you can do tests until your testicles are cerulean blue,
1:11:45 > 1:11:48but there is no doubt in my mind.
1:11:48 > 1:11:51- All right, then.- Bollocks.
1:11:54 > 1:11:57- I beg your pardon?- Bollocks. - Excuse me?
1:11:59 > 1:12:05Anyone with an eye can see that something is amiss here.
1:12:05 > 1:12:07What the devil are you...?
1:12:07 > 1:12:09YELLS
1:12:09 > 1:12:11Harry!
1:12:11 > 1:12:13GASPS
1:12:13 > 1:12:15Fake.
1:12:15 > 1:12:18The impasto is a caricature of Monet's actual brush handling,
1:12:18 > 1:12:20which was infinitely more subtle.
1:12:20 > 1:12:24And as far as I'm aware, Monet never painted over
1:12:24 > 1:12:26a rather hackneyed portrait of...
1:12:34 > 1:12:36Martin.
1:12:39 > 1:12:40I'm disappointed.
1:12:42 > 1:12:44RETCHES
1:12:48 > 1:12:51Imagine how I feel.
1:12:55 > 1:12:58Auf Wiedersehen, meine Lieblinge.
1:13:04 > 1:13:07And as for you, you're either rather clever or not clever enough.
1:13:07 > 1:13:11Either way, it's clear that you're of no further use to me.
1:13:11 > 1:13:13Speaking of clever, what did you expect?
1:13:13 > 1:13:16It was hanging on a wall in a trailer in Texas.
1:13:16 > 1:13:20And besides, I was never going to be any use to you.
1:13:20 > 1:13:24Well, no harm done.
1:13:25 > 1:13:29Just a bit of a waste of time, that's all.
1:13:29 > 1:13:32Well, Deane, against expectations,
1:13:32 > 1:13:34you seem to know what you're on about rather.
1:13:34 > 1:13:37You will continue in the job.
1:13:37 > 1:13:40- Now, if you'll excuse me... - I think not, sir.
1:13:42 > 1:13:44You think not what?
1:13:44 > 1:13:47I think not regarding continuing in the job.
1:13:47 > 1:13:49I'm afraid I can no longer render services
1:13:49 > 1:13:53to a man who'd wilfully insult the intelligence and moral character
1:13:53 > 1:13:56of a woman I have so come to admire and respect.
1:14:00 > 1:14:02You are a boor, sir.
1:14:03 > 1:14:06And a bully. And I've had enough.
1:14:06 > 1:14:09So I'll just gather my kit...
1:14:11 > 1:14:14..and bid you a semi-fond farewell.
1:14:16 > 1:14:18Ms Puznowski, may I see you out?
1:14:19 > 1:14:22Yes, you may.
1:14:22 > 1:14:24Excuse me.
1:14:26 > 1:14:28You know, Harry Deane,
1:14:28 > 1:14:31for an Englishman, you sure do have some big old cojones.
1:14:42 > 1:14:45'They say you can't put a price on dignity,
1:14:45 > 1:14:49'but if you could, in Harry Deane's case,
1:14:49 > 1:14:53'it would be approximately £11 million.'
1:14:53 > 1:14:56Well, that didn't go exactly according to plan.
1:14:57 > 1:14:59I know it sounds funny coming from me,
1:14:59 > 1:15:01but now I wish you'd let him buy it.
1:15:01 > 1:15:04I just couldn't help myself, you know?
1:15:04 > 1:15:06Hear, hear.
1:15:06 > 1:15:08I'll make it up to you, I promise.
1:15:08 > 1:15:11No, no, you did your bit. I owe you your wages.
1:15:13 > 1:15:15Here we are.
1:15:17 > 1:15:19Well, here we are.
1:15:39 > 1:15:41Your tickets.
1:15:41 > 1:15:44- I regret that it's economy. - Unrestricted.
1:15:48 > 1:15:53- Well, goodbye, Harry.- Goodbye.
1:16:03 > 1:16:05Come here.
1:16:09 > 1:16:11- Major.- Madam.
1:16:24 > 1:16:27Shall we, Major?
1:16:31 > 1:16:33No problems, then, sir?
1:16:33 > 1:16:35Security was a little tougher than I'd anticipated.
1:16:35 > 1:16:37But you had time to make the switch?
1:16:37 > 1:16:40Oh, yes. Shabandar will never suspect.
1:16:40 > 1:16:42Beautiful work, Major.
1:16:42 > 1:16:44- On which one?- Both of them.
1:16:44 > 1:16:47Although I'm afraid I had to destroy your Dusk to prove it was a fake.
1:16:47 > 1:16:51Understood, sir. No hard feelings.
1:16:58 > 1:17:03Thoughtful of this gentleman to make the trip. Saves us going to Japan.
1:17:04 > 1:17:06Mr Takagawa.
1:17:06 > 1:17:08- Hello, Harry.- Hello, Charlie.
1:17:08 > 1:17:10- Hello, Major.- Hello, Charlie. - Everything all right?
1:17:10 > 1:17:14- Everything according to plan. - Right you are, Mr Deane.
1:17:14 > 1:17:16Very good.
1:17:16 > 1:17:18SPEAKS JAPANESE
1:17:18 > 1:17:22SPEAKS JAPANESE
1:17:22 > 1:17:24Mr Takagawa wants to thank you.
1:17:24 > 1:17:27He says he has been waiting 18 years for this moment.
1:17:27 > 1:17:29SPEAKS JAPANESE
1:17:29 > 1:17:31Not at all. Pleasure to have done it.
1:17:31 > 1:17:33SPEAK JAPANESE
1:17:33 > 1:17:34Oh, yes.
1:17:35 > 1:17:38I'm clever. But look.
1:17:38 > 1:17:40Monet.
1:17:40 > 1:17:45Inimitable. Though no doubt your version will satisfy Shabandar.
1:17:45 > 1:17:49SPEAKS JAPANESE
1:17:49 > 1:17:51He assures me the transfer has been made.
1:17:51 > 1:17:53The money should now be in your Swiss account.
1:17:53 > 1:17:58- Excellent.- Hello?- Major?
1:17:58 > 1:18:01It's gone through.
1:18:01 > 1:18:03So much better than having to count it all.
1:18:03 > 1:18:07I'd have got it all bollocksed up before I got to ten million.
1:18:07 > 1:18:10- Thank you, gentlemen. - Thank you, Harry.
1:18:10 > 1:18:13Has anyone given you anything to take on board our flight?
1:18:13 > 1:18:15- No, ma'am.- Thank you.
1:18:32 > 1:18:34Oh, Harry Deane.
1:18:35 > 1:18:38You'll see she gets what we owe her?
1:18:38 > 1:18:41Certainly, sir. And should we upgrade her ticket?
1:18:41 > 1:18:43Yes, why don't we?
1:18:43 > 1:18:47- Bit of an extravagance.- Oh, well.
1:18:47 > 1:18:50How will you explain it?
1:18:50 > 1:18:52You know me, Major. I'll think of something.
1:18:54 > 1:18:55Fancy trying your hand at Picasso?
1:18:55 > 1:18:58Do you think we'd find a use for it?
1:18:58 > 1:19:00Seems Donald Trump is obsessed with the fellow.
1:19:00 > 1:19:03And there's many a billionaire in Texas.
1:19:03 > 1:19:05Mr Deane.
1:19:05 > 1:19:09Oh, yes, Major. The opportunities are endless.
1:19:35 > 1:19:38# How lucky can one guy be?
1:19:38 > 1:19:42# I kissed her and she kissed me
1:19:42 > 1:19:44# Like a fella once said
1:19:44 > 1:19:47# Ain't that a kick in the head?
1:19:49 > 1:19:52# The room was completely black
1:19:52 > 1:19:55# I hugged her and she hugged back
1:19:55 > 1:20:00# Like a sailor said, quote, "Ain't that a hole in the boat?"
1:20:01 > 1:20:05# My head keeps spinning
1:20:05 > 1:20:08# I go to sleep and keep grinning
1:20:08 > 1:20:11# If this is just the beginning
1:20:11 > 1:20:16# My life is going to be beautiful
1:20:16 > 1:20:20# She's telling me we'll be wed
1:20:20 > 1:20:23# She's picked out a king-size bed
1:20:23 > 1:20:26# I couldn't feel any better
1:20:26 > 1:20:29# Or I'd be sick
1:20:29 > 1:20:31# Tell me quick
1:20:33 > 1:20:34# Oh, ain't that a kick?
1:20:36 > 1:20:38# Tell me quick
1:20:38 > 1:20:43# Ain't that a kick in the head? #