0:00:24 > 0:00:25BELL DINGS
0:01:42 > 0:01:44WATCH BEEPS
0:01:53 > 0:01:56THUNDER RUMBLES
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Roddy! Let's go!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19Morning.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04DOOR BUZZES Get that, would you?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08If you're not giving me a lift I'll have to get another minicab!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10PHONE RINGS
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Tristesse Books.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I've got Wuthering Heights with my Year 10s!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Hello? Yes?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Tristesse Books?
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Tom Duval?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Oh, yeah, come in.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Just down the hall!
0:03:28 > 0:03:33MAN SPEAKS FRENCH ON PHONE
0:03:33 > 0:03:36HE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Mm, yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, he's a wonderful writer.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Very unremittingly bleak. MAN SHOUTS IN FRENCH ON PHONE
0:04:07 > 0:04:10No, Tristesse doesn't publish him any more.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Do you know what, he had a little disagreement with Tom.
0:04:12 > 0:04:18SHOUTING IN FRENCH
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Yeah, she's one of my favourites.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Yeah. She was longlisted for the Booker.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Right after she was sectioned.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH
0:04:32 > 0:04:35No, she-she left, too. (Jane Lockhart!)
0:04:35 > 0:04:37CLANGING
0:04:39 > 0:04:40What are you doing?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I was just touching it. Not like...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52touching it, that sounds like molesting.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Like I'm some kind of pervert.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Which I'm not. So...
0:04:59 > 0:05:05Young European Publisher of the Year Runner-Up! That's really impressive.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06I have a swimming certificate.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Who the hell are you?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Jane Lockhart.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I wrote The Endless Anguish Of My Father.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oh.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Yeah.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Follow me.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Hello.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31I'm busy, so I'll keep this brief.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35I read your novel, I'm afraid it needs work. A lot of work.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Please, sit down.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41But it has potential, so I'm going to publish it.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43I'm offering you a two-book deal.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46It's going to mean a lot of rewriting, definitely a new title,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and neither of us will get rich, but...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I think you have it in you to be a writer,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54and as unfashionable as it may seem, that's what I came here to find.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I believe you're...
0:06:00 > 0:06:03..crying. Sorry.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I didn't mean to start...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08It's just...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's been so long, you know?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13So many rejections, and I have a board...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15You have a board? Of rejections letters.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I call it my board of pain.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Well, that's completely normal.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It is? I'm sorry.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25He was like this in university. Everywhere he went, crying women.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Your lot are supposed to be charming. Charmant, n'est-ce pas?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I told you never speak French to me! Don't you dare! No, really!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I've never been so happy
0:06:36 > 0:06:39in all my life.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43SHE SOBS
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Jane.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18There is no need to be nervous. Nervous? Me? No. No, no.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I'm not nervous. Not me.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24OK, a little bit nervous.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25You'll be fine.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29It's just usually I need a run-up before I start editing, like a tea,
0:07:29 > 0:07:33a walk, regrouting the shower... Or we could just begin.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36OK!
0:07:36 > 0:07:38OK, so, where do you want to begin?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Well, call me crazy, but we could start at the beginning.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Yeah, OK. Yeah.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47You crazy Frenchman. What?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I don't know. All right.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54So you're in a good mood. I'm always in a good mood. No, you're not.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yes, I am. Are you? Yes. Oh.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59SHE GIGGLES
0:07:59 > 0:08:03So, first sentence, I think it's so good. It's beautiful.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08MUSIC: How We Met (Cherry Pie) by TeenCanteen
0:08:27 > 0:08:31# I fell into your eyes with an inky black splash
0:08:33 > 0:08:37# I fell into your eyes with an shiny black splash
0:08:39 > 0:08:43# My, oh my cherry pie what a big, big splash
0:08:45 > 0:08:49# I ran into your heart with a red-hot crash
0:08:52 > 0:08:56# I ran into your heart with a full-on smash
0:08:58 > 0:09:01# My, oh my cherry pie it'll happen so fast
0:09:04 > 0:09:07# My, oh my cherry pie it was all so fast
0:09:09 > 0:09:14# Like rain that falls without a warning
0:09:14 > 0:09:17# On a sunny morning
0:09:17 > 0:09:20# This is how we met
0:09:22 > 0:09:27# Like sugar in my cup of coffee
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# Apples dipped in toffee
0:09:30 > 0:09:34# This is how we met... #
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Well, actually, I'm reading it right now.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41"I shut my eyes and sink into the water,
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"letting it wash over my face and hair..." Hello!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47So, I was just, you know, passing, and thought
0:09:47 > 0:09:51it might have come back from the printers and it actually has. Yeah.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52I don't know.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"Beneath my feet, I felt crumpled pages..."
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I don't believe this.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07I'll call you back. "Happy Ending?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Happy Ending? What happened to The Endless Anguish Of My Father?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12What happened?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You know how important this stuff is. You changed my title to that!
0:10:15 > 0:10:19I told you. The very first time we met, I said it must go. Yeah,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22but we never discussed it. I knew how you'd react, darling.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Oi, careful!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That's my Young Publisher of the Year award.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Runner-up!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34What's wrong with you?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Who are you? What?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40All that time we spent together working on the manuscript...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44No-one's EVER got me the way you...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I don't know you.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Look, it was a terrible title and I changed it. What's done is done.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Let's move on. How can it be so easy for you?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Perhaps because I am not a moderately talented writer
0:11:12 > 0:11:15whose loser dad left her with an inability to stop worshipping
0:11:15 > 0:11:18her own pain. Worshipping my own pain? Calm, sit down.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Let's talk about the launch.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You know what?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Our deal is one more book, and then what's done is done.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Let's move on.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"Most childhood summers are long and blue.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"Mine wasn't like that,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"and certainly not the summer when Mum got sick. I knew if I just
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"went out and saw her in the sun, she'd be all right again..."
0:11:56 > 0:12:02JANE READS INDISTINCTLY FROM HER BOOK
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"..but not me. I never saw her in the sun again..."
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"She'd taken me to Woolworths to choose my birthday present
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"and it wouldn't be like last year when Dad just slipped the Barbie
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"under his coat and walked right out the door with it..."
0:12:15 > 0:12:19INDISTINCT CHATTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And this is to...?
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Dad.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22It's great to be here to present this award for Best New Writer
0:13:22 > 0:13:25to an outstanding debut.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Happy Ending. Jane Lockhart.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Congratulations. Thank you.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51What we have here is a real writer.
0:13:51 > 0:13:56Someone who can go to some pretty dark places - but I get it, Jane.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Writers! We both understand what it is to face el toro blanco,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03the terror of the white bull, the blank page.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07And every day, we face it together.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Right, Jane? Mm-hm.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Ladies and gentlemen, Jane Lockhart.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Thank you.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32SHE SHRIEKS AND GIGGLES
0:15:30 > 0:15:33PHONE RINGS
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Yeah? 'I'm starting the final chapter.'
0:15:40 > 0:15:43You'll have the manuscript by the end of the week. About bloody time.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Ah, Tom, as ever my little ray of sunshine. Well, moan all you like.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I've never been this... Annoying?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Happy.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You bastard. Happy! So...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56One more chapter? Yes.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And we never have to see each other again?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Yes. Better get writing, then.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06A bientot, Jane. Au revoir, Tom.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Willie? I'm off out for a bit.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Sure!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20WOMAN: Just look to the chapter...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22BANGING AND CLATTERING
0:17:22 > 0:17:25TOM: Listen. I don't care what you think.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29I'm telling you, this is not an opening chapter, its an ice age!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33You can't talk to me like that!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I was voted one of Scotland's foremost novelists
0:17:36 > 0:17:38under the age of 30!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42TOM CRIES MOCKINGLY
0:17:42 > 0:17:47And that's why I won't allow this piece of crap to be published
0:17:47 > 0:17:49with your name on it!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You have my notes. Fix it.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Bye then, Nicola, see you at the launch.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04If you try to make ME cry,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07I'll inform the Inland Revenue about your yacht.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Hi.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Hi.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36If we have to talk figures,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38can you do that thing where you use vegetables?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Imagine this tomato is my cash flow.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43How many new writers have you thrown money at this year?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46I only throw money at good writers. Good Scottish writers.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I'm very patriotic. And what does it matter?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52One hit pays for all the rest. And I have a bestseller in the wings.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Mm, Jane Lockhart, yeah.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57So how's the new book shaping up? I have no idea.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59She won't let me read a word until it's finished.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Relax!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It'll be just like the first one.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I read that she was moving publisher. Klinsch and McLeish?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09With the red and white covers? That's big time.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Klinsch and McLeish. You know what they're called in the trade?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Clench and Release. They're not right for my Jane.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20For Jane. So talk to her! Persuade her to stay.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22But I don't want her to stay!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25After she delivers her new novel, I want her to go! Far away!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Oh, for God's sake, Tom,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Tristesse Books is on the verge of compulsory liquidation.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33And...I've had an offer.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Well, you're a very attractive... Shut up.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40They want to invest in you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47I don't need Pandemic Media. I have Jane Lockhart and this time
0:19:47 > 0:19:50she's going all the way. Are you sure?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Because if she doesn't deliver...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55your tomatoes look like ketchup.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58She'll deliver. She might be a miserable pain in the arse,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01but when she's writing, she's like a guided missile.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04SHE HUMS
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Teaspoon.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14PHONE RINGS
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Willie? Willie, will you get that?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Willie!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Hello? Thursday or Friday for the manuscript?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Grease-proof paper!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Just want to check. You're certain it will be finished next week?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I told you, one more chapter.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52What are you doing?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Nothing. Are you baking?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56LINE DISCONNECTS
0:20:58 > 0:21:01PHONE RINGS
0:21:09 > 0:21:12PHONE RINGS INSIDE FRIDGE
0:21:12 > 0:21:13TOM: Oh, my God.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16She's baking.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18She only bakes when she's blocked.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Largest planet in the solar system?
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Jupiter. Who did Ali beat to become World Heavyweight Champion
0:21:29 > 0:21:31for the first time?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Sonny Liston. Come on, the quiz is going to be harder than this.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Get serious.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Right. Who was Shakespeare's wife?
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Hi, Dad.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Ah, darling!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48(Who was Shakespeare's wife?)
0:21:48 > 0:21:49(Anne Hathaway.)
0:21:49 > 0:21:52And at the end of the third round, the winners are Benny Lockhart
0:21:52 > 0:21:57and his Jets with 22 points. Join us for the second half in ten minutes.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Mr L! Ah, Tom!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Good to see you. Good to see you! How are you? Aye, good.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Where you been hiding? From your daughter, mostly.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12I understand that, aye.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Never talked to me for years, but...with good reason.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Hey, what you having? Nothing. He's not staying.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Come on, Jane.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24What are you doing here? My favourite author is being adapted
0:22:24 > 0:22:27by Scotland's most talented screenwriter, Willie Scott.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32Huge fan. Naturally, I want to know how he's getting on.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Well, I may not be the most talented, but...
0:22:36 > 0:22:37who else are you going to pick, uh?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39THEY LAUGH
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Just one sec.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Where is my novel?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I'm working on it. So you're not suffering from el toro blanco? What?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50So you're not B-L-O-C-K-E-D? Why are you spelling it?
0:22:50 > 0:22:52It's nothing to be ashamed of, and there are plenty of strategies
0:22:52 > 0:22:55to overcome it. I'm not blocked. For instance, narcotics.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I'm not blocked. For a while there Hunter S Thompson was permanently
0:22:58 > 0:23:01unblocked. I'm not blocked! Until you deliver that manuscript,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03you're still under contract to me, so whatever is going on,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06snap out of it, and get writing.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Bye, Jane.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"Bye, Jane."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14He's not gone, has he?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Won't get a chance to talk about my screenplay.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Hi. The French really appreciate my work, you know?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23Connoisseurs du cinema. Oh, aye.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27We should have him over for dinner. Oh, your wine.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Bathroom.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I know you, don't I?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Where was it we met?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Chapter two. I'm in the opening chapter, of course,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45but you only really get to know me from chapter two on.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Darsie?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54What do you think? I think I'm talking to my protagonist.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I prefer heroine.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01What are you doing here? It's a very intense narrative.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I personally have suffered a broken engagement
0:24:03 > 0:24:07and two bereavements so far. Yes, I know. Sorry. No, no, no.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Please don't apologise. I think it's going to make me a stronger person
0:24:10 > 0:24:13in the end. The end?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Yes, so you're going to go back and finish it?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22I can't do that, not without you. Why can't you finish it, Jane?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Huh?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26What are you afraid of?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42HE SOBS
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Get a hold of yourself, will you?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Gets me every time. Three times now.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58It's that ending. Don't talk to me about damn endings! Do your marking.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00OK.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Being silly.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, Jane says hi.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09HE SOBS
0:25:09 > 0:25:10That poor lassie.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14She must have led such a shocking life to write like that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18What are you saying? Well, the lonely page,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21the endless introspection,
0:25:21 > 0:25:24the mind plagued by funky thoughts...
0:25:26 > 0:25:28That's how writers tick, innit?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30No misery, no poetry.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34PHONE RINGS
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Yeah? Did you speak to Jane Lockhart?
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Yes, she's happy, very happy.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Happier than she's ever been, apparently.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49And the novel?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Tom?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Hello, are you still there?
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Tom!
0:26:10 > 0:26:14I have a problem I believe may be suited to your particular talents.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Let's say...
0:26:17 > 0:26:21A miserable writer, through the supreme efforts of her publisher
0:26:21 > 0:26:25and her only good talent, becomes successful and happy.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Are you listening? Hello, sir.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Amber, Roxanne! Out on a school night, sir?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33This your boyfriend, sir?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35GIRLS GIGGLE
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Say nothing, just keep very still, you don't want to antagonize them.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Can we get back to my problem? Yeah, OK.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Yeah, miserable writer becomes successful and happy, I get it. And?
0:26:44 > 0:26:50And, being happy, she's unable to finish her latest miserable novel.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53So, in order to help her, the selfless publisher embarks
0:26:53 > 0:26:56on a course of action to return her to the fragile mental state
0:26:56 > 0:27:00in which she wrote her highly profitable debut!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03You want to make Jane Lockhart's life a misery
0:27:03 > 0:27:04so she can finish writing her book?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06That's seriously messed up.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09They teach you this stuff in France? We study a broad curriculum.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14So, how do we make someone completely, totally miserable?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Why are you asking me?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I dedicated the last ten years to encouraging young minds,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20planting hope and aspiration.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Benson, put it away, stand in the corner and face the wall!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24(Little shite.)
0:27:27 > 0:27:29OK, maybe I've some experience in the field.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32The trick is not simply to upset her,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35you have to get her in the right mood.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39It's a special kind of misery you want, a melancholy.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40A dull sense of dissociation
0:27:40 > 0:27:44and alienation that's the source of every artist's creativity.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46It's like drain unblocker for novelists.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Keats? Mm. John Keats? Mm-hm.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Your plan involves actual poetry?
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I think by definition that makes it a shit plan.
0:28:01 > 0:28:06All right, settle down, you lot, settle down. William Wordsworth.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Wordsworth was, of course,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13the first of the Romantics to use a MacBook Pro.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25HE CHUCKLES
0:28:40 > 0:28:41(OK...)
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Careful. You're going to kill that thing.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59You know, it was a birthday present from my dad.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04He showed up out of the blue with a card and baby money plant
0:29:04 > 0:29:05and he said...
0:29:07 > 0:29:09"I owe you, darling.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10"I owe you the world."
0:29:12 > 0:29:14And, um...
0:29:14 > 0:29:16And then he left.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19And I didn't see him again for six years.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25How many Ps in deprivation?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Just one.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32One.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39Coffee cake. Mm-hm.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43That was your mum's favourite. I know.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Your mum was a big fan of cake, in general.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52She always made a cake for my birthday. Aye.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Do you remember when you were six...
0:29:57 > 0:29:59your mum and I, we took you to Edinburgh Zoo,
0:29:59 > 0:30:03and the monkeys threw rotten fruit at us. I slipped on a bit,
0:30:03 > 0:30:06fractured my foot in three places.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Damn monkeys, they were laughing at us. Do you remember? Yeah.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11I remember.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18That's in your book, isn't it?
0:30:18 > 0:30:19The Happy thing.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Ending.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25It's called Happy Ending and, yeah, the main character does go to the zoo
0:30:25 > 0:30:27with her dad, but he's not you.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29And they're not monkeys, they're penguins.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33The penguins throw fruit, uh?
0:30:34 > 0:30:38It's different, its a story, not real life... They're not the same.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41Aye, whatever you say.
0:30:42 > 0:30:43Damn monkeys.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45THEY LAUGH
0:30:46 > 0:30:50How's the new book, then? Oh, that's cooking. Aye? Yup.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52And Tommy?
0:30:52 > 0:30:56Don't call him Tommy, his name is Thomas Duval, he's from Saint-Tropez,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59a place they named a fake tan after. You call him Tommy, you make him
0:30:59 > 0:31:02sound he's from here, like he's normal. With his...
0:31:02 > 0:31:04and his stupid, stubbly face.
0:31:04 > 0:31:06You see a lot of Thomas Duvals around here?
0:31:06 > 0:31:09There's a Jean-Claude Darcheville, he played for Rangers.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Anyway, forget about Tom.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14I'm about to sign with a new publisher, Klinsch and McLeish.
0:31:14 > 0:31:15With the red and white covers?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18I liked him. I liked Tom. Dad.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21I mean, nobody else wanted your wee book, did they?
0:31:21 > 0:31:23I mean, he showed faith in you.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25No, he showed faith in my book.
0:31:25 > 0:31:27You know he changed my original title? Did he? Yep.
0:31:27 > 0:31:30Was it a good title? That's not the point.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Was what it? What was the original title?
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Nothing. Nothing, it doesn't matter. Tell me.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39I mean, I like that kind of stuff, stuff that other people don't know.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42It makes me feel closer to you.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46OK. I was going to call it...
0:31:46 > 0:31:49The Endless Anguish Of My Father.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54For fuck's sake!
0:31:55 > 0:31:57The Endless Anguish Of My Father?!
0:31:59 > 0:32:00I knew it was about me, I knew it!
0:32:00 > 0:32:03No, its not about you, it's a character I made up.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06People at work looked at me differently when it came out,
0:32:06 > 0:32:10I knew it! I'm away back to the depot. No, you never read it!
0:32:10 > 0:32:14You're not allowed to be hurt until you've actually read the damn thing!
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Do you not think I'm hurt my own dad hasn't read my novel?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21I will read it.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24I will read it just as soon as I get over my anguish.
0:32:28 > 0:32:29Dad?
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Target acquired. Over.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47It's a pot plant, Roddy.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49Not a North Korean reactor.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53Just warn me if either of them comes back. Roger that.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55Understood loud and clear.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57That is a solid copy.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Right. Time for some low-level unhappiness.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16HE INHALES Mm.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23"The Twilight Sad."
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Hey, Roddy, are you there?
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"Maverick to Ice Man."
0:33:54 > 0:33:56"We are Oscar Mike."
0:33:58 > 0:34:01"Five clicks from extraction point."
0:34:02 > 0:34:05"We have a clean visual on" - Bollocks.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Tom, Tom, Tom, she's back.
0:34:08 > 0:34:09What?
0:34:09 > 0:34:11She's coming up the stairs!
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Shit!
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Damn it, man, get out of there! Abort! Abort!
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Oh, that's horrible, she's really upset. I'm not looking at that.
0:35:17 > 0:35:18Yes!
0:35:18 > 0:35:19Oh! What was that for?
0:35:21 > 0:35:23You're enjoying this too much.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25It's for her own good.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29And it's not as if I actually killed her plant.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41ENGINE SPLUTTERS
0:35:44 > 0:35:47ENGINE STRUGGLES AND DIES
0:35:55 > 0:35:59TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACK
0:36:24 > 0:36:27So what do you think? I think this is the end of Les Miserables. Yes.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29You should write something like that.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32Oh, yeah, thank you, great suggestion.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34Bit of French, people dying of consumption and all that.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37I'm a bit more urban Scotland, Primal Scream,
0:36:37 > 0:36:38unhappy '90s childhood.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Sorry? She wasn't talking to you!
0:36:41 > 0:36:44I wasn't talking to you. Oh.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Willie? Mm?
0:36:53 > 0:36:57Do your characters ever, uh...talk to you?
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Sure. All the time.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03That's why I've got this. Drowns out the bastards.
0:37:03 > 0:37:08See, when I'm writing, I like to hear the one voice - mine.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09Charming.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13Quite the hero. Aww, you still blocked?
0:37:16 > 0:37:17SHE MOUTHS
0:37:19 > 0:37:28# Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
0:37:28 > 0:37:31# Hey, hey, hey, hey
0:37:31 > 0:37:35# She said hey... #
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"101 Ways To Beat Writer's Block"?
0:37:39 > 0:37:41"Beat Your Block To A Pulp"?
0:37:44 > 0:37:46SHE GIGGLES
0:37:46 > 0:37:49"What Would Jesus Write"? Seriously?
0:37:49 > 0:37:50OK. OK, so what is the deal?
0:37:50 > 0:37:53Are you going to stalk me until I finish my novel?
0:37:53 > 0:37:54Yes, I believe that's how it works.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Now, can we talk about the last chapter? What about it?
0:37:57 > 0:38:00I'm a romantic heroine, I don't want to end up unhappy.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03It's not that easy. You don't really get to choose your ending.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06It has to follow from what came before, or it doesn't feel true.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Please. I want it all to turn out OK. Jane...
0:38:09 > 0:38:13don't let us down, darling. Jane Lockhart? Mm-hm.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16I thought it was you!
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Shona Haybridge, proprietor of Mocha Books.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21Can I just say it's such a pleasure to meet the woman
0:38:21 > 0:38:23who helped pay for my new kitchen?
0:38:23 > 0:38:25THEY CHUCKLE
0:38:25 > 0:38:28It is, it's her, it's her, it's her.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32I just lo-o-o-o-ved Happy Ending, it's so sad.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34I can't wait for your next one. What's it called?
0:38:34 > 0:38:38Is it finished yet? Well, it's going to be, um... It must be difficult.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41I mean, so much to live up to. How do you come back
0:38:41 > 0:38:44after the extraordinary success of Happy Ending?
0:38:46 > 0:38:49We are interrupting the muse.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51I'm sure you're eager to get back to the page.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Oh, yes. And I have my eye on a gorgeous bathroom!
0:38:53 > 0:38:56LAUGHTER
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Please take that with my compliments. Thank you.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01I just need to run that through the till. Ah, no!
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Blocked?
0:39:29 > 0:39:31HE EXHALES
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Dad.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Come in.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38I was just making strudel. Oh...I cant stay, anyway. Er...
0:39:40 > 0:39:41I just wanted to say...
0:39:45 > 0:39:48I had it in my head what I was going to say.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53I don't supposed you're ever stuck for words.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55Eh...
0:39:55 > 0:39:56Listen.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00We don't really know each other.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03And I would like to... to get to know you.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06And I'm making a mess of it again.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09The other day in the cemetery, I...
0:40:09 > 0:40:10HE EXHALES
0:40:10 > 0:40:12I was out of order.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15I was and I'm sorry.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17I'm really sorry, darling.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21Right, that's it, I've said it and, uh...
0:40:21 > 0:40:25I'm going to go and meet the boys for quiz practice, I'm off.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Right, OK, I'm off. Dad?
0:40:34 > 0:40:35It's OK.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39I know how complicated all of this is and, er....
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Can I be on your quiz team?
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I think you're maybe a bit busy
0:40:52 > 0:40:55for a daft quiz team.
0:40:57 > 0:40:58Please.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02I'd like to.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03Get to know you.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Really? Really.
0:41:10 > 0:41:11Great!
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Great. We need you.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Rory's showing signs of early dementia.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20That would be great.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Welcome to the family! Thanks! Thanks so much!
0:41:40 > 0:41:45Please excuse Dr Klinsch, she does have a tendency to pee her pants
0:41:45 > 0:41:47whenever we sign a new author.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49That was just the one time. OK.
0:41:49 > 0:41:54So, Klinsch and McLeish. I cant quite believe it!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57I'm going to be published in one of those classic red and white covers!
0:41:57 > 0:42:00I-It's obviously not just about the covers, but they're so pretty.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03And your list's amazing, too. I mean, you published Glen Bucking.
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Ah, Glen, fabulous writer.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08And you know that you have something in common. Really?
0:42:08 > 0:42:13No... What, you think so? God, he's up there with...Rushdie and McEwan.
0:42:15 > 0:42:16Quite possibly.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20No, I meant you were both discovered by your former publisher. Tom.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22Yes, he didn't last,
0:42:22 > 0:42:25they went their separate ways before the first novel was published.
0:42:25 > 0:42:27By us. Oh.
0:42:27 > 0:42:31Well, yeah, sounds like Tom. Anyway, enough of the past,
0:42:31 > 0:42:33here's to the future.
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Phew!
0:42:41 > 0:42:43(So exciting!)
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Blocked on this, too, eh?
0:43:03 > 0:43:07I'm so sorry, would you excuse us - uh, me - for just one second?
0:43:07 > 0:43:09Where's your bathroom? Uh, it's...
0:43:11 > 0:43:14What are you doing here? Well, I figured out what's going on.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18You can't write the ending because once it's finished
0:43:18 > 0:43:20you'll have no reason to see Tom ever again.
0:43:20 > 0:43:23SHE LAUGHS FORCEFULLY
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Oh, that is such a load of rubbish!
0:43:26 > 0:43:28KNOCK ON DOOR Jane, dear...
0:43:28 > 0:43:30is everything all right?
0:43:30 > 0:43:32Yep, fine, I'll just be out in a minute.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37In case you haven't noticed,
0:43:37 > 0:43:40I'm about to leave Tom and sign with a new publisher.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Oh, and one more minor detail,
0:43:42 > 0:43:45I'm not writing my ending, I'm writing yours. And I'm not you.
0:43:45 > 0:43:48No, of course not, and your first novel wasn't a barely fictionalised
0:43:48 > 0:43:50account of your relationship with your father.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Oh, and remind me, what's your middle name, Jane Darsie Lockhart?
0:43:53 > 0:43:57That means nothing, and anyway, I was thinking of changing your name, so...
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Still here. Oh!
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:44:10 > 0:44:14Now then, young lady, ready to go with a real publisher?
0:44:16 > 0:44:17Um...
0:44:25 > 0:44:29Let me get this straight: you only take on writers you love.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31WRITING I love.
0:44:31 > 0:44:32How interesting.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35No, no, it isn't.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38Can we get back to making Jane miserable?
0:44:38 > 0:44:39Fine.
0:44:39 > 0:44:41If that's what you really want.
0:44:41 > 0:44:44Have you thought a bit about what will happen if you succeed?
0:44:44 > 0:44:45Yeah.
0:44:47 > 0:44:48I win.
0:44:48 > 0:44:51Yes, but you'll lose her.
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Who cares?
0:44:53 > 0:44:55It's not as if she wants to stay.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03TAPE: 'Motivation: The heart of self-improvement.
0:45:03 > 0:45:07'A - Achieve your dreams. Avoid negative people, things and places.
0:45:07 > 0:45:11'B - Believe in yourself and in what you can do.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13'C - Consider things on every angle and aspect.
0:45:13 > 0:45:17'Motivation comes from the...' One of us really needs to get laid.
0:45:17 > 0:45:19Oh, God, yes.
0:45:20 > 0:45:22We should. Next week.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24Yeah? There's a girl at the chippy.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29'Q - quitters never win, and winners never quit.
0:45:29 > 0:45:31'So choose your fate -
0:45:31 > 0:45:34'are you going to be a quitter or a winner?'
0:45:34 > 0:45:36'R...' OK.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39Here's the thought. We could kill her dog.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41I didn't know she had a dog. She doesn't.
0:45:41 > 0:45:44We could buy her one, and then kill it.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46It wouldn't be a cute dog.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49And you don't think that's a little bit - how can I put this -
0:45:49 > 0:45:52psychotic? Yeah, you're right. She hasn't got a dog.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58But she has got a screenwriter.
0:45:58 > 0:46:00I'm not helping you kill Willie Scott, am I?
0:46:00 > 0:46:01HE CHUCKLES
0:46:01 > 0:46:02Tom?
0:46:20 > 0:46:21Dammit.
0:46:21 > 0:46:23She's still baking.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26Back, you cupcakes of Satan!
0:46:28 > 0:46:30OK, here goes.
0:46:42 > 0:46:45I hate these things. Mmm.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48Yeah, I prefer the Routemaster 2670, myself.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54It's a bus joke. Sorry.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59No, no, I...
0:46:59 > 0:47:00I get it. It's, erm...
0:47:00 > 0:47:03It's just, I've never really met anyone else who made
0:47:03 > 0:47:04a bus joke before.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14Hello, Jane.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16Hello. What do you want?
0:47:16 > 0:47:18I'll tell you what I don't want.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Mmm. I don't want a cupcake.
0:47:21 > 0:47:25So, two writers living under the same roof.
0:47:25 > 0:47:27How's that working out? Oh...
0:47:27 > 0:47:29I bet it's fantastic - sharing ideas,
0:47:29 > 0:47:31the ebb and flow of discussion...
0:47:31 > 0:47:34Willie must be a great boon. Yes, yes, he is.
0:47:34 > 0:47:37So, what does the big man make of the new novel?
0:47:39 > 0:47:42You're right, it's not fair to ask you. I should ask him.
0:47:42 > 0:47:46What? No, no, he loves it. He just loves it. Naturally he has notes.
0:47:46 > 0:47:47Naturally.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54Willie has not asked to read one single page, has he?
0:47:54 > 0:47:58Well, he's very busy with his screen thing. Oh, yes, the adaptation.
0:47:58 > 0:48:00How's that going? Terrific.
0:48:00 > 0:48:01Oh, it's going terrific...ly.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05You don't know, do you?
0:48:07 > 0:48:10He doesn't discuss it with you.
0:48:10 > 0:48:13What's your point? He's using you!
0:48:13 > 0:48:14That's rich, coming from you.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Grr! Come on, it's common knowledge.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20He wouldn't be adapting Happy Ending if you hadn't insisted... Oh, yeah?
0:48:20 > 0:48:24Willie Scott's writing career peaked sometime around 1998.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27He's a talentless hack without a brain or a conscience
0:48:27 > 0:48:30who doesn't give a damn about you or your novel!
0:48:33 > 0:48:34Um, yeah, behind you.
0:48:39 > 0:48:40Hey!
0:48:40 > 0:48:41Willie!
0:48:43 > 0:48:45CROWD MURMURS
0:48:57 > 0:48:59HE GROANS
0:49:05 > 0:49:07Is that fruit cake? Oh, yeah.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10It's frozen. IT CLANGS
0:49:10 > 0:49:13I brought a couple of spares. It's for your nose.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16Look, I'm sorry about Willie.
0:49:16 > 0:49:19He shouldn't have hit you, even though you did deserve it.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22He caught me off guard.
0:49:23 > 0:49:26Usually I don't go down after the first punch.
0:49:26 > 0:49:27Usually it's about the...
0:49:27 > 0:49:29third or fourth. Mm-hmm.
0:49:30 > 0:49:31How did I get here?
0:49:32 > 0:49:34I made Willie carry you.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37No, you didn't. What? What's wrong now?
0:49:37 > 0:49:41It's not very manly, being carried upstairs by another bloke.
0:49:43 > 0:49:47He's not still here, is he? No, I sent him outside to calm down.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57Look, Jane...
0:49:57 > 0:49:59There's something I need to tell you.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02Something I've never said before.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08What's the capital of Ethiopia?
0:50:14 > 0:50:181,001 Trivia Questions. What's this for?
0:50:18 > 0:50:19Your dad has a...
0:50:20 > 0:50:21You're on the team.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24We're in the finals, actually.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27So that was it?
0:50:28 > 0:50:30That's what you needed to say?
0:50:31 > 0:50:33No.
0:50:33 > 0:50:35No, no, no.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40I...
0:50:43 > 0:50:44What I meant to say is...
0:50:46 > 0:50:47Happy Ending... Mmm.
0:50:49 > 0:50:52At the end, when things became, you know...
0:50:53 > 0:50:54..with us.
0:50:58 > 0:50:59And the title...
0:51:04 > 0:51:05I never told you.
0:51:07 > 0:51:09The book...
0:51:12 > 0:51:13..it's good.
0:51:14 > 0:51:15Mm.
0:51:17 > 0:51:19It's like the saddest music I've ever heard.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27What the hell was that?
0:51:27 > 0:51:30What are you up to? I'm not up to anything. Yes, you are.
0:51:30 > 0:51:34All this sad music crap and filling my head with doubts about Willie.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36Why would you do that? Why, unless...?
0:51:37 > 0:51:38Unless...
0:51:39 > 0:51:42Oh, I know why.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44You want me to sign a new book deal with you.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46Well, if you can hear me through the obvious concussion,
0:51:46 > 0:51:50pay attention, it is NEVER going to happen.
0:51:50 > 0:51:54I have a concussion? Oh, get off. Get off this bus.
0:51:57 > 0:51:58You know what?
0:52:00 > 0:52:02You really think I'd want you back?
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Why?
0:52:04 > 0:52:06Why would I do that to myself?
0:52:06 > 0:52:09You're distant at the best of times and when you're writing,
0:52:09 > 0:52:12your characters were more real to you than I was.
0:52:12 > 0:52:13Ahem.
0:52:20 > 0:52:22So, no, Jane.
0:52:23 > 0:52:24I do not want you back.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27I do not want you back.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31TYPEWRITER CLACKS
0:52:37 > 0:52:41So, how's the screenplay coming along?
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Hmm? Your screenplay.
0:52:43 > 0:52:47I was just thinking, we haven't really discussed it much at all,
0:52:47 > 0:52:51and since, well, I wrote the novel, maybe I could...
0:52:51 > 0:52:52you know.
0:52:52 > 0:52:56What I mean is, we should have more ebb and flow.
0:52:56 > 0:52:58It's not a bad idea.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01You know the scene in the book where the father goes on a bender,
0:53:01 > 0:53:03doesn't turn up for the mother's funeral?
0:53:03 > 0:53:05Yeah.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07I remember. Would you miss it?
0:53:10 > 0:53:14What? You... What? You... You can't...
0:53:14 > 0:53:16Willie, I think we need to talk this through.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18I know what this is about, Jane.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21You haven't written a word in two weeks,
0:53:21 > 0:53:25so you want to talk instead of dealing with your luggage.
0:53:25 > 0:53:26How many times? I am not...
0:53:26 > 0:53:30There was this writer I knew that got stuck
0:53:30 > 0:53:32on a long-lost sibling story arc.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35Thought it was the end of his career, but...
0:53:35 > 0:53:36But he beat it.
0:53:36 > 0:53:38Do you know how?
0:53:38 > 0:53:39How?
0:53:42 > 0:53:44He wrote naked.
0:53:45 > 0:53:47Yeah.
0:53:47 > 0:53:49Yeah, right. Seriously.
0:53:49 > 0:53:51The idea is you release yourself from the restrictions of the
0:53:51 > 0:53:56everyday so you can express your ideas in an uninhibited fashion.
0:53:56 > 0:53:57Oh, OK.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00I think you just want to be able to sit there and write
0:54:00 > 0:54:01while you stare at my tits.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04They are great tits.
0:54:18 > 0:54:21WHISTLE BLOWS
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Yeah, come on!
0:54:23 > 0:54:24It's not a weapon, Jane.
0:54:27 > 0:54:29There's something up with my stick.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Yeah, pass it to the other team, Shona.
0:54:38 > 0:54:40That's it, well played, well played.
0:54:40 > 0:54:42PHONE RINGS
0:54:43 > 0:54:44Tom?
0:54:51 > 0:54:53I've got some business to take care of.
0:55:05 > 0:55:08DOOR CLOSES
0:55:08 > 0:55:10I want it on record that this is going too far, OK?
0:55:10 > 0:55:13She's only just started rebuilding her relationship with her dad.
0:55:13 > 0:55:16I'm just trying to help her finish her book,
0:55:16 > 0:55:17and she'll thank me in the end.
0:55:17 > 0:55:21First we get rid of Willie, then we work on Papa.
0:55:21 > 0:55:25AMERICAN ACCENT ON PHONE: So, Mr Scott - Willie -
0:55:25 > 0:55:29our senior development executive has been looking for...
0:55:29 > 0:55:32a very special screenwriter with a distinctive voice
0:55:32 > 0:55:35for a project which she has slated for next year.
0:55:35 > 0:55:39Yeah. When she heard you were adapting Jane Lockhart's,
0:55:39 > 0:55:42uh, Happy Ending, she was...she was excited.
0:55:42 > 0:55:44We were...we were all excited.
0:55:44 > 0:55:49What company is this again? I mean, have you spoken to my agent, or...?
0:55:49 > 0:55:52Yeah, thank you, you too. Ciao, ciao.
0:55:52 > 0:55:56Sure, she put us right onto you. Uh...
0:55:56 > 0:56:00But if you're too busy right now, perhaps we should just leave it. PHONE BLEEPS
0:56:00 > 0:56:02Oh, no, no, no. Erm, no.
0:56:02 > 0:56:05No, no, I'm excited. It's, erm...
0:56:05 > 0:56:08You know, it's not just adaptations that I do.
0:56:08 > 0:56:13I mean, I have my own material, you know. Terrific. Well, uh, we, uh...
0:56:13 > 0:56:15You can share all that with our...
0:56:15 > 0:56:18uh, senior BP, Bob,
0:56:18 > 0:56:22and our head of deputy acquisitions, Bonda, who...
0:56:22 > 0:56:26They're going to be over there next Friday. You live in London, right?
0:56:26 > 0:56:30Well, mainly, but, you know, I've got my place up country too,
0:56:30 > 0:56:31you know, obviously.
0:56:31 > 0:56:32Well, apologies,
0:56:32 > 0:56:35but it may involve dragging you out to the middle of nowhere,
0:56:35 > 0:56:38but we're scouting Steven's next pick.
0:56:38 > 0:56:40Steven...
0:56:40 > 0:56:42Seagal? Soderbergh.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45He'll probably drop by to say hi, if that's OK.
0:56:45 > 0:56:48Aye, that would be fine!
0:56:48 > 0:56:51BELL TOLLS
0:56:51 > 0:56:53HORN BEEPS
0:56:53 > 0:56:56Taxi's here. Oh, where's my ticket?
0:56:56 > 0:56:59Oh, it's in your bag, where you put it two minutes ago.
0:56:59 > 0:57:01Jane, this is an important trip for me.
0:57:01 > 0:57:03These people are working with Soderbergh.
0:57:03 > 0:57:06They called me, and that just never happens.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08You're right. It doesn't.
0:57:09 > 0:57:11And it's all because of you.
0:57:11 > 0:57:14The truth is, they would never have asked to see me
0:57:14 > 0:57:16if I hadn't been adapting your novel.
0:57:16 > 0:57:20Och, that's rubbish. Look, you're a great writer.
0:57:20 > 0:57:22Yeah, you're right.
0:57:22 > 0:57:25Where's my treatments? Did you tidy them? Willie, breathe!
0:57:32 > 0:57:34How are you feeling? Good.
0:57:34 > 0:57:36Sharp? Sharp, aye.
0:57:37 > 0:57:39Rory? Brand-new.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41Mind you, I'm a bit worried
0:57:41 > 0:57:44because we don't know what he's gonnae ask us.
0:57:44 > 0:57:48It's a quiz. It's a quiz, Rory. Oh, right, aye.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50Aye.
0:57:50 > 0:57:51Mr L!
0:57:51 > 0:57:53Tom! Oh, hey, good to see you.
0:57:53 > 0:57:55Good to see you.
0:57:55 > 0:57:58Big night, eh? Oh, big night, big night.
0:57:58 > 0:57:59Aye, this is the final.
0:57:59 > 0:58:03The winner gets a holiday to America and two tickets to Disneyland.
0:58:03 > 0:58:05Whoa! That's wonderful. Good luck with that.
0:58:05 > 0:58:07Oh, thanks, Tom, thanks.
0:58:07 > 0:58:11Listen, eh, I know that Jane and you haven't always seen eye to eye,
0:58:11 > 0:58:12but, erm...
0:58:12 > 0:58:15I'm sure she'll be really happy to see you.
0:58:15 > 0:58:16Where is she?
0:58:16 > 0:58:19Oh, she's not here yet, but the quiz doesn't start until eight, so...
0:58:19 > 0:58:22Oh, well, plenty of time, then.
0:58:22 > 0:58:24Och, plenty of time.
0:58:24 > 0:58:26HORN BEEPS
0:58:33 > 0:58:34That was quick.
0:58:34 > 0:58:37Wasn't expecting you for another ten minutes.
0:58:37 > 0:58:39Aye, well, I was just round the corner, hen.
0:58:39 > 0:58:42Where are you going? East End, please, The Walter Scott.
0:58:42 > 0:58:43Mm-hmm, lovely.
0:58:47 > 0:58:50Ta-da! What do you think?
0:58:50 > 0:58:54Lovely. Me and the lads discussed it.
0:58:54 > 0:58:56We're going to make her captain.
0:58:56 > 0:58:57When she was a little girl,
0:58:57 > 0:59:01every penny her mother gave her she put in the piggy bank.
0:59:01 > 0:59:04Saving up, you know, to go to Disneyland.
0:59:04 > 0:59:06Every birthday was Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse,
0:59:06 > 0:59:08Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, you know?
0:59:08 > 0:59:09Every birthday.
0:59:11 > 0:59:12Well...
0:59:14 > 0:59:15..until the seventh birthday.
0:59:21 > 0:59:25Her mother took her to Woolworths for a present, a gift, and, erm...
0:59:26 > 0:59:28Well, they were late getting back.
0:59:30 > 0:59:33I lost it, Tom, you know?
0:59:33 > 0:59:36I was, "Oh, I want my dinner on the table," and...
0:59:40 > 0:59:42That was the night I walked out on them.
0:59:47 > 0:59:49If only that was the worst thing I did that night.
0:59:53 > 0:59:56Excuse me, where are we going?
0:59:56 > 0:59:59The Rabbie Burns. No, I said The Walter Scott.
1:00:00 > 1:00:01You sure?
1:00:01 > 1:00:05Of course I'm sure! Hey, there's no need for that.
1:00:05 > 1:00:07They're both iconic pillars of our national literature,
1:00:07 > 1:00:10arguably responsible for the over-romanticisation
1:00:10 > 1:00:13of Scottish history that persists to this day.
1:00:13 > 1:00:14It's an easy mistake to make.
1:00:14 > 1:00:17All right, please, just please hurry. Please.
1:00:21 > 1:00:22'Hello, it's Benny Lockhart here.
1:00:22 > 1:00:25'If you leave a message then I'll get back to you soon.
1:00:25 > 1:00:27'Okey dokes, bye.'
1:00:27 > 1:00:29BEEP
1:00:31 > 1:00:33Do you know why they were late back?
1:00:36 > 1:00:37Yeah.
1:00:38 > 1:00:41Yeah, of course you do, because it's in the book, isn't it?
1:00:44 > 1:00:47Her mother dropped dead in Woolworths.
1:00:48 > 1:00:52Her mother was lying dead in the pick and mix aisle and I'm...
1:00:53 > 1:00:57Daddy was spending her Mickey Mouse money on booze.
1:01:02 > 1:01:05I swore I would never touch another drop after that.
1:01:05 > 1:01:06Not a drop.
1:01:13 > 1:01:16You look familiar. You on the telly?
1:01:16 > 1:01:20Erm, no. I've done a few interviews but... Oh, you're that writer.
1:01:20 > 1:01:24Jane something. Aye, my...my wife read your book. Oh, yeah?
1:01:24 > 1:01:27Aye, what's it called again? Happy Ending. Happy Ending, aye.
1:01:27 > 1:01:29She was greeting her eyes out by the end.
1:01:29 > 1:01:30And you wrote it? That's amazing!
1:01:32 > 1:01:34God, you must be a right miserable cow.
1:01:36 > 1:01:38Do know you from...?
1:01:38 > 1:01:39Uh...
1:01:41 > 1:01:42I'm out of fags.
1:01:42 > 1:01:45What? Hey, no!
1:01:45 > 1:01:47Come back, I need to get to the... Run!
1:01:47 > 1:01:48..pub.
1:01:54 > 1:01:55Hey!
1:02:01 > 1:02:02BENNY: Years later...
1:02:03 > 1:02:06..I discovered that the police brought her back...
1:02:07 > 1:02:09..two minutes after I'd left home.
1:02:11 > 1:02:12Two minutes, Tom.
1:02:14 > 1:02:19You know, I realise that I can never make it up to that little girl,
1:02:19 > 1:02:21that seven-year-old Jane that...
1:02:24 > 1:02:26I can't do it.
1:02:27 > 1:02:29But if we win tonight, Tom...
1:02:30 > 1:02:36Whoa, if we win tonight, I'm gonnae take her to Disneyland. Aye.
1:02:36 > 1:02:40I don't mean the shite one in Paris, the real Disneyland.
1:02:40 > 1:02:42No offence, I know you're French.
1:02:42 > 1:02:43None taken.
1:02:45 > 1:02:49Gentlemen, ladies, can you please take your places for the quiz final?
1:02:52 > 1:02:53She'll be here, she'll be here.
1:02:55 > 1:02:57Nothing's gonnae happen. Not again, no.
1:03:01 > 1:03:02Hey, hey!
1:03:12 > 1:03:14You know what? I'll see you in a sec.
1:03:16 > 1:03:18PHONE RINGS
1:03:20 > 1:03:24Tom. Roddy, call it off. Call it off, bring her here immediately.
1:03:24 > 1:03:26She's gone.
1:03:28 > 1:03:29We've lost her.
1:03:30 > 1:03:31In Cambuslang.
1:03:55 > 1:03:58HORN BEEPS Sorry!
1:04:06 > 1:04:08THUNDER RUMBLES
1:04:09 > 1:04:12Captains, last call.
1:04:12 > 1:04:15Please bring your team lists to the adjudicator's table.
1:04:20 > 1:04:24Ben, if I don't get your list you'll forfeit your place.
1:04:24 > 1:04:26Benny, come on. Come on, Benny!
1:04:26 > 1:04:28Two more minutes, lads.
1:04:29 > 1:04:31Oh! Argh!
1:04:44 > 1:04:46Benny, I'm...
1:04:46 > 1:04:48I'm sorry.
1:04:48 > 1:04:50It's OK, son.
1:04:50 > 1:04:53It's not your fault. Well, actually...
1:04:53 > 1:04:56OK, that's enough. Let's get on with this.
1:04:56 > 1:05:00Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the grand final of the...
1:05:00 > 1:05:02MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
1:05:05 > 1:05:08Dad. Dad?
1:05:12 > 1:05:18Question one. Who was William Shakespeare's wife?
1:05:18 > 1:05:20Oh!
1:05:21 > 1:05:25The indisputable winners, Benny and his Jets!
1:05:25 > 1:05:27We've won! Whoa-hoa!
1:05:27 > 1:05:29THEY CHANT
1:05:51 > 1:05:53DISTANT CELEBRATIONS
1:06:00 > 1:06:01.Fact is...
1:06:03 > 1:06:05..we're not dog killers.
1:06:05 > 1:06:09What's the worst thing we actually achieved?
1:06:09 > 1:06:11Kidnapping a pot plant.
1:06:14 > 1:06:15There's our fatal flaw.
1:06:17 > 1:06:18At heart...
1:06:20 > 1:06:21..we're nice guys.
1:06:27 > 1:06:29I'm going to tell her everything.
1:06:35 > 1:06:37JANE HUMS
1:06:39 > 1:06:42I will not do nudity unless it is essential to the plot.
1:06:46 > 1:06:48DOORBELL RINGS
1:06:55 > 1:06:57Oh, you must be joking!
1:06:57 > 1:06:58Jane?
1:07:01 > 1:07:02Just go away.
1:07:02 > 1:07:04I've got to talk to you.
1:07:04 > 1:07:06Please open the door.
1:07:06 > 1:07:08PHONE RINGS
1:07:08 > 1:07:10Hold on a minute.
1:07:12 > 1:07:15Willie? 'You need to hear about our great deal on home insurance...'
1:07:15 > 1:07:18ALARM BEEPS Your meringues, Jane.
1:07:18 > 1:07:20Oh, shit!
1:07:20 > 1:07:22Shit, shit!
1:07:22 > 1:07:24Jane, you OK? Shit!
1:07:24 > 1:07:27SHE BLOWS ON THE MERINGUES
1:07:27 > 1:07:29Shit, shit, shit. Shit!
1:07:34 > 1:07:36Shit, shit! No!
1:07:42 > 1:07:44Stop looking!
1:07:49 > 1:07:52What the hell are you doing here, anyway?
1:07:52 > 1:07:54I came to apolo... Whoa.
1:07:57 > 1:07:59Is that my novel?
1:08:01 > 1:08:04No, no, no. Give it back.
1:08:04 > 1:08:06Give it back!
1:08:06 > 1:08:08I paid good money for this, I'm going to read it.
1:08:08 > 1:08:12No, you don't get to read anything until it's finished.
1:08:13 > 1:08:14OK.
1:08:16 > 1:08:18Here.
1:08:20 > 1:08:21Thank you.
1:08:21 > 1:08:24Good to know you behave like a grown-up once in a...
1:08:24 > 1:08:26Where's the rest of it? Oh!
1:08:26 > 1:08:30Hey, come out of there, you thieving bastard!
1:08:30 > 1:08:33Give my back my novel!
1:08:44 > 1:08:45How could you do that?
1:08:46 > 1:08:48I can't believe you.
1:08:48 > 1:08:49Even you.
1:08:52 > 1:08:54So, what did you think?
1:08:54 > 1:08:57It's merely the first couple of chapters, so who can say?
1:08:58 > 1:09:00However...
1:09:00 > 1:09:03Putting to one side that you're a whining,
1:09:03 > 1:09:06overpaid author who clearly got lucky with her debut...
1:09:08 > 1:09:10..I'd say this is a very good start.
1:09:12 > 1:09:14Well...
1:09:14 > 1:09:16Coming from a never-even-has-been
1:09:16 > 1:09:19owner of a third-rate publishing company...
1:09:19 > 1:09:21I have to say thank you.
1:09:21 > 1:09:23MUSIC: Like Comedy by The Proclaimers
1:09:23 > 1:09:24Naturally...
1:09:26 > 1:09:27..I have a few notes.
1:09:28 > 1:09:30Definitely.
1:09:34 > 1:09:36For instance... MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
1:09:36 > 1:09:39# You don't have to make it worse
1:09:39 > 1:09:41# Cos the world isn't perfect
1:09:43 > 1:09:45# And you don't need to give a toss
1:09:45 > 1:09:48# But you'd make it better if you did
1:09:48 > 1:09:55# You did
1:09:55 > 1:10:00# You were made to be loving
1:10:03 > 1:10:07# Not a source of bitterness and hate
1:10:10 > 1:10:12# And when you turn them on yourself
1:10:12 > 1:10:15# You make one more useless martyr
1:10:17 > 1:10:19# Make the best of here and now
1:10:19 > 1:10:22# Heaven or hell can wait
1:10:22 > 1:10:26# They'll wait
1:10:26 > 1:10:28# Let them wait
1:10:30 > 1:10:34# When you lose your appetite for self-destruction. #
1:10:34 > 1:10:36PHONE RINGS
1:10:36 > 1:10:38Who's going to get the phone?
1:10:41 > 1:10:43Just one second. Willie. Hi, Janey. Hi.
1:10:43 > 1:10:46So, how's the trip going? Did you meet Soderbergh?
1:10:46 > 1:10:50There was no meeting. I've been stuck in the arse end of nowhere.
1:10:50 > 1:10:53Couldn't get a cab, I've been walking for nine hours
1:10:53 > 1:10:56in the rain, my phone died - I've only just now found a phone.
1:10:56 > 1:10:57Oh, Willie!
1:10:57 > 1:11:00I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm feeling so...
1:11:00 > 1:11:04so miserable. You know, the funny thing is...
1:11:05 > 1:11:08..even though the trip turned out so badly...
1:11:08 > 1:11:11it made me realise a few things.
1:11:13 > 1:11:15I miss you, Janey.
1:11:16 > 1:11:18You're the best thing in my life and...
1:11:21 > 1:11:22..I love you.
1:11:24 > 1:11:26Janey, let's get married.
1:11:52 > 1:11:54# So many days
1:11:54 > 1:11:57# So many nights I cried
1:12:00 > 1:12:02# Written in these words
1:12:02 > 1:12:06# Everything I feel inside
1:12:08 > 1:12:11# So be careful with my heart... #
1:12:11 > 1:12:13Oh. HE COUGHS
1:12:13 > 1:12:14There we go.
1:12:21 > 1:12:25He's sick! Oh, come on, he's just taking the piss now.
1:12:25 > 1:12:27He said he loves me.
1:12:27 > 1:12:29You've heard him.
1:12:29 > 1:12:33Actually, I didn't. Maybe it was in your vivid imagination.
1:12:33 > 1:12:37And I love Willie too. He makes me...happy.
1:12:37 > 1:12:40Any chance of that cup of tea, doll?
1:12:42 > 1:12:44Aw, he's a sweetheart.
1:12:50 > 1:12:52# But I cannot be loved
1:12:52 > 1:12:55# If I never give my heart
1:12:57 > 1:13:00# Torn all along the way
1:13:00 > 1:13:03# Picking up the pieces... #
1:13:07 > 1:13:09Priscilla.
1:13:09 > 1:13:12Listen, sweetheart, get out the big pen.
1:13:12 > 1:13:15It's time to bill the bastards for my first draft.
1:13:15 > 1:13:17I just finished the script.
1:13:25 > 1:13:27A lifetime with Willie Scott.
1:13:29 > 1:13:33If that doesn't make her miserable, nothing will.
1:13:33 > 1:13:37Look, I know things haven't worked out for the two of you but...
1:13:37 > 1:13:40surely you don't really, actually, totally,
1:13:40 > 1:13:42completely want her to be unhappy?
1:13:42 > 1:13:45Of course I don't. I mean...
1:13:45 > 1:13:48Oh, tu comprends rien.
1:13:48 > 1:13:49It's tricky, OK? Whatever.
1:13:49 > 1:13:53# Ever since he tore my world
1:13:53 > 1:13:58# I fell apart
1:13:58 > 1:14:01# And rescue me
1:14:01 > 1:14:04# From this story
1:14:04 > 1:14:07# Cos this is not another happy ending. #
1:14:07 > 1:14:13Which is why Shakespeare never left New York again.
1:14:13 > 1:14:15PHONE BUZZES
1:14:15 > 1:14:19Oh, OK. Erm, chapter 21.
1:14:19 > 1:14:21Read it or be punished.
1:14:23 > 1:14:26Yo. He's only gone and changed the ending! Wow!
1:14:26 > 1:14:28All you did was change her title
1:14:28 > 1:14:30and she thought you were a complete wanker.
1:14:30 > 1:14:33That's... Juan Kerr.
1:14:33 > 1:14:35He was a 19th century South American revolutionary.
1:14:37 > 1:14:40This is going to break her heart. Yeah, well, great.
1:14:40 > 1:14:43Now all you've got to do is make sure she reads it.
1:14:43 > 1:14:45Mission accomplished.
1:14:45 > 1:14:46Yeah.
1:14:48 > 1:14:50You've given it a happy ending?
1:14:51 > 1:14:55And your point? The point is Jane's novel doesn't end happily.
1:14:55 > 1:14:58Who the hell wants to walk out of a movie feeling miserable?
1:14:58 > 1:15:00You have to change it back. I don't think so.
1:15:00 > 1:15:02That script says more about my love for her
1:15:02 > 1:15:04than I could ever put into words.
1:15:04 > 1:15:06She doesn't know yet, does she?
1:15:08 > 1:15:12Do you have any idea what this will do to her? To both of you?
1:15:13 > 1:15:16I made a mistake and I can't take it back.
1:15:16 > 1:15:21But really, if you truly love her, change it.
1:15:21 > 1:15:23What's going on here?
1:15:23 > 1:15:26You just don't get her, do you? Oh, I get her, all right.
1:15:27 > 1:15:28Every night I get her.
1:15:30 > 1:15:32Any way up I fancy.
1:15:36 > 1:15:37Hit a sick man, would you?
1:15:39 > 1:15:42Watch this. Ah! Oh, oh, oh!
1:15:50 > 1:15:53Remind me, does the bridge explode in the novel?
1:15:53 > 1:15:56DOOR CREAKS
1:15:56 > 1:15:58Hi, Janey, I'm home.
1:15:58 > 1:16:01HE COUGHS Any chance of a wee cup of tea?
1:16:04 > 1:16:06Willie!
1:16:06 > 1:16:09I just don't understand how you can do this over a dumb ending.
1:16:09 > 1:16:10No, no, you don't.
1:16:10 > 1:16:13Well, if it's any consolation, Janey, I don't think me
1:16:13 > 1:16:15and you would have worked out anyway. Oh.
1:16:15 > 1:16:20I just don't get all that "worshipping your pain" stuff.
1:16:24 > 1:16:25Daddy issues.
1:16:36 > 1:16:40# I guess it's funnier from where you're standing
1:16:44 > 1:16:47# Cos from over here I miss the joke
1:16:52 > 1:16:56# Clear the way for my crash landing
1:16:57 > 1:17:03# I've done it again, another number for your notes
1:17:07 > 1:17:10# I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate
1:17:14 > 1:17:18# I'd be patient if I had the time
1:17:21 > 1:17:25# I could stop and answer all of your questions
1:17:27 > 1:17:32# As soon as I find out how I can move from the back of the line
1:17:34 > 1:17:36# I'll be your clown
1:17:37 > 1:17:41# Behind the glass
1:17:41 > 1:17:45# Go ahead and laugh cos it's funny
1:17:45 > 1:17:48# I would too if I saw
1:17:48 > 1:17:50# I'll be your clown
1:17:52 > 1:17:54# On your favourite channel
1:17:55 > 1:17:58# My life's a circus, circus
1:17:58 > 1:18:00# Round in circles
1:18:00 > 1:18:03# Selling out tonight. #
1:18:08 > 1:18:12Tom, if she hasn't delivered, you have to take Pandemic Media's offer.
1:18:12 > 1:18:14Mark my words - never going to happen.
1:18:14 > 1:18:17Well, I'll have no option but to declare you bankrupt
1:18:17 > 1:18:19and call in a receiver.
1:18:19 > 1:18:20HE WHINES, COUGHS
1:18:27 > 1:18:30You're my relationship manager, right? Yeah, so?
1:18:31 > 1:18:33So, what should I do about my relationship?
1:18:33 > 1:18:35Oh, for God's sake!
1:18:38 > 1:18:40Do you love her?
1:18:40 > 1:18:41Tom.
1:18:57 > 1:19:00Jane. Hi. Tom's not here.
1:19:00 > 1:19:04Should be back any minute if you want to wait. No, I don't think so.
1:19:04 > 1:19:06I'm heading off for a bit of a break.
1:19:07 > 1:19:11I just came to drop this off. It's my new novel.
1:19:11 > 1:19:13I finished it. Oh! That's a relief.
1:19:13 > 1:19:15Between you and me,
1:19:15 > 1:19:18your book's the only thing stopping this place from going tits up.
1:19:23 > 1:19:25So, where shall I leave it?
1:19:25 > 1:19:26Erm...
1:19:26 > 1:19:28Just put it on his desk.
1:19:28 > 1:19:30OK. Bye.
1:19:41 > 1:19:43SHE SIGHS
1:19:51 > 1:19:52I don't know what to do.
1:19:54 > 1:19:56Hold it. Jane.
1:19:57 > 1:19:58Jane!
1:20:00 > 1:20:02Argh! Bastard!
1:20:35 > 1:20:38No, I shouldn't still be seeing you.
1:20:38 > 1:20:40I finished it!
1:21:03 > 1:21:06Leave me alone. All I want is to be alone!
1:21:27 > 1:21:29GRAVEL CRUNCHES
1:21:56 > 1:21:59HE KNOCKS THE DOOR Jane.
1:21:59 > 1:22:00Jane!
1:22:06 > 1:22:08Listen, I know you're in there.
1:22:09 > 1:22:12And I know it sounds crazy, but I was trying to help.
1:22:14 > 1:22:15Jane.
1:22:16 > 1:22:19Your dad's worried about you and so am I.
1:22:19 > 1:22:21He told me where to find you.
1:22:23 > 1:22:26All you care about is what my book can do for your damn company.
1:22:26 > 1:22:29Well, you got what you wanted.
1:22:51 > 1:22:52HE KNOCKS THE DOOR
1:22:55 > 1:22:56Jane, please open the door.
1:23:00 > 1:23:04Jane, I'm not good at this countryside stuff, all right?
1:23:07 > 1:23:08I think I saw a bear.
1:23:08 > 1:23:10SHE MOUTHS
1:23:10 > 1:23:11Jane.
1:23:19 > 1:23:20I'm sorry.
1:23:44 > 1:23:45Thanks a lot.
1:23:50 > 1:23:52I deserved that.
1:23:52 > 1:23:53I'll just go, shall I?
1:23:55 > 1:23:56I'll go.
1:24:02 > 1:24:04# Crash land
1:24:04 > 1:24:06# So I can't find you
1:24:06 > 1:24:10# And just as things were looking up
1:24:10 > 1:24:13# We're stuck
1:24:13 > 1:24:16# Don't panic
1:24:16 > 1:24:18# Because I'm left without food
1:24:18 > 1:24:21# And just as things were heating up
1:24:21 > 1:24:24# I should've told you that you're good enough
1:24:24 > 1:24:27# Because I'm stuck here on this island
1:24:27 > 1:24:30# And I've lost her all over again
1:24:30 > 1:24:33# Nothing gets better than memories
1:24:33 > 1:24:36# When all your have are memories for friends
1:24:36 > 1:24:39# And I was searching... #
1:24:39 > 1:24:41HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH
1:24:43 > 1:24:47# I was searching when my flight went down
1:24:47 > 1:24:50# Cos I made a rope
1:24:50 > 1:24:53# Can I throw it out to you?
1:24:53 > 1:24:55# You drag me back home
1:24:55 > 1:24:58# I deserve to be rescued
1:25:00 > 1:25:05# But still I have trouble with most days and nights
1:25:06 > 1:25:10# But still I have trouble with moving my life outside... #
1:25:10 > 1:25:12HE SPEAKS FRENCH
1:25:12 > 1:25:14# Crash land
1:25:15 > 1:25:17# So I can't find you
1:25:17 > 1:25:20# And just as things were looking up
1:25:21 > 1:25:24# We're fucked
1:25:24 > 1:25:26# Don't panic
1:25:26 > 1:25:29# Cos there's nothing here to fear
1:25:29 > 1:25:33# Just don't lose imagination
1:25:33 > 1:25:34# Or luck
1:25:34 > 1:25:37# Cos I made a rope
1:25:37 > 1:25:41# And can I throw it out to you?
1:25:41 > 1:25:42# You drag me back home
1:25:42 > 1:25:46# I deserve to be rescued. #
1:25:46 > 1:25:49It's eight miles to the nearest village.
1:25:49 > 1:25:51I don't expect to see you when I wake up.
1:25:53 > 1:25:54Goodnight.
1:25:54 > 1:25:56HE COUGHS
1:26:00 > 1:26:02SHE YELLS
1:26:02 > 1:26:04What the hell were you thinking?
1:26:04 > 1:26:06About the plant? No, about me! Idiot.
1:26:08 > 1:26:09Here's the thing.
1:26:11 > 1:26:13You go to some dark places when you write.
1:26:13 > 1:26:16You bring out stuff most people prefer to keep locked up,
1:26:16 > 1:26:18so I thought maybe if I made you miserable...
1:26:18 > 1:26:22I'd be able to finish my novel? Well, that's genius. Well, I was wrong.
1:26:22 > 1:26:23Of course you were wrong.
1:26:23 > 1:26:27You don't have to be miserable to write, you do it because you have to.
1:26:27 > 1:26:30Because it gnaws away at your insides if you try to ignore it.
1:26:30 > 1:26:34Because if you don't write, then you might as well be dead.
1:26:34 > 1:26:37And what do you mean you were wrong? You got the novel, didn't you?
1:26:37 > 1:26:42In Tom and Roddy world, the plan was a roaring success. Not exactly.
1:26:42 > 1:26:45The last chapter, it doesn't work.
1:26:45 > 1:26:46It needs a rewrite.
1:26:49 > 1:26:50How much of it?
1:26:50 > 1:26:51All of it.
1:26:58 > 1:26:59You all right?
1:26:59 > 1:27:01No.
1:27:01 > 1:27:04I'm bloody not all right and I want more chocolate.
1:27:07 > 1:27:09Maybe...
1:27:10 > 1:27:12..it would help if you talked it through.
1:27:13 > 1:27:15What have I missed?
1:27:20 > 1:27:23I think the problem might be that you don't really get
1:27:23 > 1:27:25to choose your ending.
1:27:25 > 1:27:28It has to follow naturally from what comes before or it doesn't
1:27:28 > 1:27:31feel true. Oh, he's so insightful. I want to start with Darsie.
1:27:31 > 1:27:35Oh, goody. I don't understand her. You'll get it.
1:27:35 > 1:27:39I mean, why is she in love with a man who betrays her so utterly?
1:27:39 > 1:27:41He's emotionally crippled,
1:27:41 > 1:27:43has an uncomfortable tendency for mean-spiritedness...
1:27:43 > 1:27:45He has nice...
1:27:45 > 1:27:46hair.
1:27:46 > 1:27:48Mm.
1:27:52 > 1:27:54OK, so, yes.
1:27:54 > 1:27:57Maybe there is an element of autobiography.
1:27:57 > 1:27:59Which means you're the reason I can't write. Me?
1:27:59 > 1:28:03At some point during the last few weeks, it dawned on me that...
1:28:03 > 1:28:06when I finished this novel, we were finished too,
1:28:06 > 1:28:09and some insane part of me doesn't want that to happen.
1:28:12 > 1:28:14You're my block, Tom. But I want you to finish it.
1:28:14 > 1:28:16Yeah, of course you want me to finish it. And for what?
1:28:16 > 1:28:19So you can turn a profit. I've sold it.
1:28:20 > 1:28:23What?
1:28:23 > 1:28:24I've sold the business.
1:28:24 > 1:28:26No, you can't have sold it.
1:28:26 > 1:28:29That stupid company is you.
1:28:31 > 1:28:33Get it back. You can't do this to me.
1:28:33 > 1:28:37I'm on the moral high ground here and I'm not getting off now.
1:28:40 > 1:28:42You sold it? Yeah.
1:28:49 > 1:28:51And you can take all the time you need for the last chapter.
1:28:51 > 1:28:53I made it part of the deal.
1:28:55 > 1:28:56Uh, Tom?
1:28:58 > 1:28:59I didn't sign.
1:29:00 > 1:29:02With Klinsch and McLeish - I couldn't do it.
1:29:02 > 1:29:05Jane, I've spoken to my relationship manager...
1:29:05 > 1:29:06If I hear the words "sad",
1:29:06 > 1:29:09"beautiful" or "music" you're a dead man.
1:29:09 > 1:29:10Apparently...
1:29:12 > 1:29:13..I block you.
1:29:13 > 1:29:15And I block you too.
1:29:21 > 1:29:22SHE YELLS
1:29:22 > 1:29:25What? What could possibly be more important?
1:29:26 > 1:29:27I know how it ends.
1:29:27 > 1:29:30I'm just going to get my laptop.
1:29:30 > 1:29:31Ah! I don't care.
1:29:41 > 1:29:44You are on fire! You are pretty hot yourself, baby.
1:29:44 > 1:29:47SHE GIGGLES
1:29:49 > 1:29:51Uh, Tom?
1:29:51 > 1:29:53Tom, what are you doing?
1:29:53 > 1:29:55Tom? Oh, my God, Tom!
1:30:01 > 1:30:02Tom?
1:30:03 > 1:30:04Tom!
1:30:10 > 1:30:14Why is it that the saddest endings always seem the truest?
1:30:14 > 1:30:18In the stories I told myself, I was always the heroine.
1:30:18 > 1:30:20Always reaching for my happy ending.
1:30:24 > 1:30:26It didn't turn out that way.
1:30:27 > 1:30:29I won't get to spend the rest of my life with him.
1:30:31 > 1:30:32But I was loved.
1:30:34 > 1:30:35And that's enough.
1:30:39 > 1:30:41MAN COUGHS
1:30:47 > 1:30:51Ladies and gentlemen, Jane Lockhart will now be signing
1:30:51 > 1:30:56copies of her chart-topping new novel, You'll Catch Your Death.
1:31:10 > 1:31:12Well, Darsie, back where you belong.
1:31:12 > 1:31:14Are you actually talking to your book?
1:31:16 > 1:31:19You don't think it's all a bit tacky? Tacky? We have canapes.
1:31:19 > 1:31:21Now, get signing.
1:31:27 > 1:31:30Are you ready? Go on, just do it. OK, pay attention, class.
1:31:30 > 1:31:31Pay attention!
1:31:35 > 1:31:40Jane Lockhart, of course, follows Charlotte Bronte as only
1:31:40 > 1:31:46the second writer in English to design and build her own hovercraft.
1:31:46 > 1:31:47Hovercraft!
1:31:47 > 1:31:50H-O-V-E-R-C-R-A-F-T.
1:31:52 > 1:31:54See? They believe anything you tell them.
1:31:57 > 1:31:59So...
1:31:59 > 1:32:03I thought you said the Pandemic Media people were coming today.
1:32:03 > 1:32:04Where are they?
1:32:04 > 1:32:07You're looking at them. What do you mean?
1:32:07 > 1:32:09They want someone in the company who won't let you get away
1:32:09 > 1:32:11with your usual extravagance.
1:32:11 > 1:32:12Someone hardline..
1:32:14 > 1:32:15..someone disciplined.
1:32:17 > 1:32:19Oh!
1:32:19 > 1:32:20Cheers! Brilliant.
1:32:22 > 1:32:24Cheers, thank you. Thank you.
1:32:26 > 1:32:28You read it.
1:32:28 > 1:32:30Yeah.
1:32:30 > 1:32:33Her father was really bad to her. A nasty piece of work.
1:32:33 > 1:32:35No. No, no, no, he wasn't... But...
1:32:36 > 1:32:38..she forgives him in the end.
1:32:45 > 1:32:46Mr L!
1:32:48 > 1:32:50Oh, if you think that was bad,
1:32:50 > 1:32:53wait till you see what she's done with you in her new one.
1:32:57 > 1:32:58Yeah, erm...
1:32:59 > 1:33:03Mr Lockhart, Benny, would you give us a second?
1:33:05 > 1:33:07Yeah, sure. Thanks.
1:33:23 > 1:33:24So... Mm-hmm.
1:33:26 > 1:33:28Look... Yes.
1:33:28 > 1:33:29You are, frankly,
1:33:29 > 1:33:32about the most infuriating person I've ever met, which,
1:33:32 > 1:33:36considering I work in Scottish publishing, is saying something.
1:33:38 > 1:33:41But we couldn't have got here without each other.
1:33:44 > 1:33:46So, Jane, what I'm saying is...
1:33:46 > 1:33:48will you...?
1:33:50 > 1:33:52Could you...?
1:33:52 > 1:33:55Is that a contract? Two more books and an option for a third.
1:33:55 > 1:33:59Exclusive? Naturally, we'd have to work very, very, very closely.
1:33:59 > 1:34:02With lots of notes. An excessive amount of notes.
1:34:02 > 1:34:03OK, I do.
1:34:05 > 1:34:08I mean... I mean, I will.
1:34:08 > 1:34:10I will, I meant. Erm...
1:34:10 > 1:34:11OK, just give it here.
1:34:20 > 1:34:23MUSIC: I Fall For You by Lorne Balfe Sandi Thom
1:38:32 > 1:38:33He likes that - you like that, don't you? I like that.