0:00:02 > 0:00:07This film contains strong language
0:00:12 > 0:00:16'Buy camera, press button, shoot wedding.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18'You know, it all sounded so bloody simple.'
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- DISTORTED VOICE:- Right, so here I am record...
0:00:26 > 0:00:28No, that's not it.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33- Do you need a bit of help, mate? - Huh?
0:00:33 > 0:00:36First of all, look, you've got it all on manual settings.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40And then, mate, you're zoomed right in. You need to come out. There.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43- Hey, there's you! - Full picture. Here's me.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Cheers for that, man.
0:00:46 > 0:00:52So, er...Raif Moyle here, somewhere over the North Sea.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Making the symbolic journey home to see my brother to be his best man.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- This is Chris. - Hello.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Who showed me how to use the camera. That's nice. And...ooh.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04This is Kyla, who, for a free can of Heineken,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07is about to get a starring role in my picture.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09It's three euros.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17'So, this was it. 10:15, May the 3rd,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20'arriving home to be my brother's best man.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24'I've just bought a camera and decided to film the build-up to his wedding.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28'At this point I'm exactly six weeks and three days away
0:01:28 > 0:01:31'from totally destroying their marriage.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33'Didn't know it then, of course.'
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Cheers, mate.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39'All I knew was I was coming home to see my brother for the first time in three years.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42'A really magical thing to get on film.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47'One of those things you can't repeat.'
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Bro!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Oh, bollocks. We're going to have to do this again, sorry.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57- Sit, sit, sit! - What are we doing?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- I just want to get your reaction on camera.- I'm trying to get dressed for a party, Raif.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03This will take less than a minute. It's important.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- Right. - Right?- Right.- Ready?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07- Yes. - Action.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Tim, my brother! How lovely to see you.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Is that it?- I'm leaving a gap so you can say, "It's lovely to see you, too."- It's lovely to see you, too.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Thank you. And, as such, I've got you the most incredible wedding present.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- A toaster. - No.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- An erotic fertility symbol. - Better.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26An erotic fertility symbol that also toasts!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Ta-da!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- A camera?- No, I'm going to make a film of your wedding.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- No, you're not. - The highs, the lows, the little...
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Listen.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41I'm going to make this YOUR wedding, YOUR film, made with love by me.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- So that one day you and... - Saskia.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48Saskia - thank you - can look back at this, show it to your grandchildren.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- All right, well, yes, thank you... very much.- You're welcome.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- But no swearing and no nudity. - Scout's honour.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Hi, sexy. - Bloody hell. Do you mind?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01I'm telling you, this is going to be a "warts and all" wedding video.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04And there, ladies, is the wart.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08This is what people want to see. That's the money shot right there.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- The looks and the brains. - Yeah...- Hey, how's it going?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- You're the brains. - Yeah?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Yeah.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Hmm.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18RAIF GUFFAWS
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- Look at that. Look at that bum. - Yeah, all right.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That's why she's marrying you!
0:03:22 > 0:03:27- She says she knows you, by the way. Saskia.- Huh?- I think she went to your school.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- Saskia Critchley? Doesn't ring any bells.- Well, no,
0:03:31 > 0:03:36because her mum remarried. At school she'd have been Saskia Dutton.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Fuck off. - What?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- You're marrying Saskia Dutton? - What?- THE Saskia Dutton?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Highest non-attendance record in school history.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Suspended on an almost fortnightly basis. Saskia Dutton was a legend.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- That is brilliant. - OK, can you stop this?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57That's amazing, though! Like...you!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Why not me? - Because you're you!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- That's ridiculous. - It's not ridiculous.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06- It... Tim! - Can you stop this?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Hang on, the Duttons were permanently skint.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- They can't live round here. - Yeah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- I don't believe that. - Well, I guess things have... changed a bit.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Holy shit!
0:04:26 > 0:04:27'This was it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:32'The exact moment I entered a part of Cheshire I'd only heard tell of as a kid.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35'The part they called the Beverly Hills of the UK.'
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Hi.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Tim! There he is. - Hi.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42There he is, my superstar.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49Hi. Erm, Alex, this is Raif, my brother. Raif, this is Alex, Saskia's mother.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- Hello, Raif.- Hello.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- (What's this?) - He's, er, making a film.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- As a wedding present. - Oh, you should have told me.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I'd have spent more time on my make-up.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- Right. - SHE GIGGLES
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Welcome, Raif.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Today there are still children from low-income backgrounds
0:05:10 > 0:05:14whose lives are destroyed by the ravages of alcohol abuse.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17POPPING OF CORKS
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Your presence at this champagne tasting means we can send some of them...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24These are THE three most important women in Cheshire.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28This is Kym Ling of Yang Ling restaurants. You know, Wilmslow, The Edge, everywhere.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Only eight, darling. - Only eight, she says!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- Tara Devlin of...Devlin's. - Voila.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37And Jacqui Mintchell-Baines of Mintchell-Baines Mercedes.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Hello. - Not to mention,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42the bride-to-be.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44WOMEN LAUGH
0:05:44 > 0:05:45Saskia!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Saskia...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Come and meet...the best man.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Saskia Dutton. - Raif Moyle.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Fuck me.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01'OK, let me just explain my reaction quickly.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- 'This is how- I- remember Saskia Dutton.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10'The craziest girl at school, when she bothered to turn up.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13'The sort of girl your mum would warn you about.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14'She went to parties like this
0:06:14 > 0:06:16'and hung out with blokes like that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20'But now...'
0:06:20 > 0:06:23So, how did the two of you meet?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29We met at a Road Haulage Industry gala night.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Oooh! Sounds exciting! - All right, steady.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Was that a benefit for all the cyclists they'd mowed down that year?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38It was a benefit for children, Raif.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40OK?
0:06:41 > 0:06:42It's a Christmas party.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- My step-dad... Well, his company Rigid Box... - RAIF SNIGGERS
0:06:46 > 0:06:49All right, why don't you go back there where I can keep an eye on you.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- A sheep smells nicer. Go on, go away.- Yeah, all right.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58So, Tim, how does a guy like you propose to a girl like Saskia?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Er, we...- It was in Chester.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Yeah.- The city. It was lovely. - We came out of the restaurant,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I sat her down by the fountains roundabout and popped the question.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11And he timed the fountains so they went off just as I gave my answer.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Which was a bit embarrassing because I said no initially.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19She's...joking.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Alex's charity events, perfection.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24I'm blushing here. So embarrassing.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Do you remember the buffet for Famine Relief?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Oh, my God. I've still got half of it in the freezer.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Have you? I'll have it back for the next one!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- It's in a good cause. - No, actually, we do raise a lot of money.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- We try and put something back. - Like today.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- We've got great lives and... - Very good cause. Let's drink to that.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- The alcohol-abused children. - Absolutely.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Great lad.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Great lad, this.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56As Saskia's step-dad, I suppose you're doing the "father of the bride" speech, Des?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- No, no.- Oh, that's a great idea. Des, you should.- No, no.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02We would love that.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Oh, good.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Thanks.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Are you from round here?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Initially, yes. I'm a traveller now.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- What? - I travel.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Country to country, or lay-by to lay-by?- Abroad.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Right. For a minute there you had me reaching for my handbag.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Because if I were a Traveller I might try to rob you. That's...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Of course not, they don't ALL try to rob you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35The adults keep you talking. The children rob you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Raif, where are you?
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- (I'm over here in England, in about - 1700.) Oh, you've met.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Raif, this is Saskia's grandmother, Patricia. Patricia, this is my brother Raif.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Brother? - Yes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Here's me asking if you know Manor House. You went.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Ah, no. Tim got a scholarship.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I went to Roton High, same as Saskia.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59She was in the year above me.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Was above me in most things, to be perfectly honest.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04When Saskia got told off it was by the Headmaster.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I only ever managed the Deputy Head.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11The last time I saw Saskia Dutton, she was being carried out of the chemistry lab,
0:09:11 > 0:09:16a teacher at either end, having drunk an entire test tube of industrial alcohol.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- That was so funny! Remember... - SHE MOUTHS
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Tim, shall we get another drink? - WHAT a good idea.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27RAIF CLEARS THROAT
0:09:28 > 0:09:34This is the actual day. Saskia Dutton is meant to be in this photograph but, er...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Well, she knew all the teachers would be out on the field so...
0:09:37 > 0:09:40that was the day of the chemistry lab raid.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42If she'd looked up as she was carried into that ambulance...
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- I got a duvet and pillows and stuff.- Look, look.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47Cool.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Have you really not opened any of these boxes from Mum and Dad's?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I've been kinda busy, having a job, getting married, buying this duvet.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58Come on, man. This is you and me in these boxes. This is us, our whole lives.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03- Yeah. OK, well, knock yourself out. Got a bit of an early start. All right?- All right...
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Sleep well.- Night, mate.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16HE LAUGHS
0:10:19 > 0:10:21'5:30am.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24'The only people awake are milkmen, crack addicts,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26'and women preparing for a wedding.'
0:10:28 > 0:10:33- Do you have to do this? - Course he does. It's background.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- Have you filmed the home cinema? - Yeah.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Stick a kebab shop up there and you'll never have to leave the house.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Oh, I wish, don't you, that you had more time at home sometimes?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47My husband, Des, with his company. The amount of social functions.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51- Is it very hard being Mrs Rigid Box?- Not hard HARD.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55No, I'm not complaining. God, there's people in India with no legs. It's just...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Could you... Sorry, could you take your shoes...
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Oh, right. Sorry.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- It's just with it being porcelain. - Yeah.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Thanks, darling. This week, for example,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09two separate nights we're taking clients to the concerts at...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Do you know the classical concerts at Breton Castle? Do you know those?
0:11:12 > 0:11:18They are amazing. Full orchestra, outside, under the stars.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Costs a fortune to get in but... - Not if you do it like we used to.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Yeah, I'm sure Raif doesn't want to know about that, darling.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31We used to climb the hill from the other side. Watch it all from behind for free.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Bag of sandwiches.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Actually, Raif, could you put your shoes back on?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Oh...sorry.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44OK, get ready for the slow motion.
0:11:44 > 0:11:50And...slooooow moooootion.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54'Meet Tim Moyle, my big brother.'
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Oh, don't do that.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- So, tell me about your job. - Well, I'm head of a department
0:12:06 > 0:12:10which oversees systems across the various council departments... RAIF YAWNS THEATRICALLY
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- ..and it makes sure... - Can't...stay...awake...
0:12:13 > 0:12:17OK, piss right off. Thank you.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Here is where I had my first pint. - Oh, come on.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Put a bit of life into it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Here is where I had my first pint! - Yeah, all right, thank you.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35And so it was here, amongst this scrubland,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- that Tim found an adult magazine. - Raif.
0:12:38 > 0:12:44Upon taking it home, Grandma found it in the airing cupboard, and said to him...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"Tim, if there's anything you don't understand about women,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"you need only ever ask."
0:12:50 > 0:12:54And this is the bridge where Raif would LIKE me to tell you about something,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57but over there is the electric fence where Raif, aged five,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00electrocuted his penis by trying to wee against it...
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Tim...- ..and had to be taken to the hospital with his pants down...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- No...- ..and the doctor, who I thought had a terrific sense of humour,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08said, "From now on, every time you do a poo, your nose will light up,"
0:13:08 > 0:13:11and little Raif burst into tears! Boo-hoo-hoo!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Thank you.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15GAME-SHOW MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Hello, and welcome to Mr And Mrs,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23where we find out how much the bride and groom know about each other.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- I really don't want to do this. - I told you she wouldn't...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- Put the box on, it'll be good. - Stupid.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32So, Saskia, if you could get married anywhere in the world,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- where in the world would you get married?- I dunno.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Up a mountain or maybe the side of a volcano or...
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Really?- You're not meant to be able to hear in the box.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- I thought you liked the Grosvenor. - I do.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- I like it. If we have to have a load of guests then it's fine. - Fine, look...
0:13:49 > 0:13:54Tim. People often refer to me as the human Las Vegas.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- TIM MOUTHS - But if Saskia were any city in the world, what city would she be?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Oh, er, I don't know.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Leicester? - Leicester?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- You're not meant to be able to hear...- What's wrong with Leicester?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Tim. Lei... I mean... - It's bright, it's central.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- It's got great connections. - Oh.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- It's nice.- Makes sense.- Have you ever been?- No. Fair enough.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Right, put those on. - I guess I am Leicester.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Put that there. Thank you. - Thank you.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Right. Tim.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened during sexual intercourse?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- Don't you dare answer that. - You're not meant to be...
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Ow! Turn it down. Jesus. - Tim.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33What does Saskia think is your most irritating habit?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36She'd probably say I don't really have any.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Are you sure? - Yeah.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- Final answer?- Yeah.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43OK.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48- Saskia.- Yes! - What is Tim's most irritating habit?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Oh, God. Snoring.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56No? Did he say rolling down, when he rolls down the cereal packet?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Counting my drinks? No.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04- When he puts the toilet paper in a "V".- Yeah, OK.- That's really...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Oh, no, did...
0:15:07 > 0:15:09did you think I was going to say...
0:15:09 > 0:15:13He folds up his dirty underwear before he puts it in the laundry.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I don't actually find that annoying. I think it's funny.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- It makes sense. - Yeah, I know.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You fold it, you get more in the laundry basket.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I thought maybe you thought that's what I thought...
0:15:25 > 0:15:26CHURCH BELLS CHIME
0:15:26 > 0:15:30'Many people find getting married is a time to re-examine their atheism.'
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Hello! - Oh, hi.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Reverend Dobbs? Tim. - Tim, how are you?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Hi, Saskia. Hello. - Saskia... Hello!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Oh, sorry. This is, um... this is the best man.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44He's just doing, like, a film thing for the wedding.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46No, no, it's fine. That's fine.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I'm quite used to being in front of a camera.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- (Ohhh, shit.) - Um, would you like to come in?- Yeah.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55'Welcome...to Damascus.'
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Right, so... - This is it!
0:15:57 > 0:16:03'Mary said to Joseph, "I don't think this is our donkey."'
0:16:03 > 0:16:06REVEREND DOBBS LAUGHS
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Look at that little boy!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20- Every time. - That's really good.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Cool...so, um,
0:16:23 > 0:16:27could we... So the wedding, is that... The wedding.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32- Of course, sorry, the wedding. - I suppose we were thinking...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34VIDEO PLAYER EJECTS
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Right.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39So...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41TITTERING
0:16:41 > 0:16:43..are you both...
0:16:43 > 0:16:45virgins?
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Wow, um...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51REVEREND DOBBS LAUGHS
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Your face!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- REVEREND DOBBS CONVULSES - I'm sor...
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Wow... Every time! Every time!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14'Now, Saskia wasn't the only bride that summer.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17'Also getting hitched was Zanna.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22'Daughter of Alex's friend-slash-rival Jacqui Mercedes Franchise.'
0:17:22 > 0:17:24All right, yeah.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32# The best things in life are free... #
0:17:32 > 0:17:34'After a perfect ceremony and a flawless dove release,
0:17:34 > 0:17:39'experts were predicting this would be the Cheshire Wedding of the Year.'
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Gold leaf champagne? - Oh, wonderful.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Cheshire mushroom. Picked this morning by the groom.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Really? - Complimentary camera?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Lovely.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Frozen sugared rose petals. - Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55'Jacqui had hired a professional film crew.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00'They had a lot of fancy kit but lacked a sort of creative integrity
0:18:00 > 0:18:03'demonstrated by a more independent film-maker.'
0:18:07 > 0:18:09It's a glorious wedding. You've been brilliant.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13So is your wedding going to be like this?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Yeah, a bit like this. I mean, it's a wedding, isn't it?
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- We've had the bit in the church, now you do the milling around, avoiding people.- Milling?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- Well, you know, general milling. - Boys...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25(Come in here.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28(Come in here! See this.)
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Take a look at this.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Get every detail. Even the canopy, you know. They've thought of...
0:18:36 > 0:18:39These little diamondy things. It's a lovely touch.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Could you clear the basin so we can look at that?
0:18:43 > 0:18:48And this. The toilets. Elmsley and Barnes in a portable.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- WOMAN: Ooh! - Oh, I'm so sorry.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Erm...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Sorry.- Sorry.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06TIM MOUTHS
0:19:06 > 0:19:10'The wedding was perfection. But Jacqui hadn't finished.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12'Zanna was going to sing for us.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16'A simple love song sung from the heart?
0:19:16 > 0:19:20'No. This was a Cheshire wedding, so...'
0:19:20 > 0:19:21ORCHESTRA PLAYS "MY HEART WILL GO ON"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24FOGHORN SOUNDS
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Smoke, smoke. More smoke.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36COUGHING Too much smoke. Cut the smoke!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Darling, no!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40SCREAMING
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Daddy! - The ice!
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Oh, shit.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01'The next morning I found a very different Alex.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11'With the favourite fallen at the last,
0:20:11 > 0:20:14'the race for Cheshire Wedding of the Year was wide open.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17'Alex decided to pick up the pace.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22'Suddenly I had a new camera and shitloads of kit.'
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Sorry, I got a bit of our reflection in there.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Sorry, Alex, have to do that again. - Oh, come on.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- Hi, there. My name's... - Sorry, Rog. Lift the mic up a bit.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Sorry. Hi. My name's Roger and I'm delighted,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37because I've just been asked to write a love song for this video.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Well, we said if you held the mic we'd discuss it, so it's not a...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45All right, no, Rog...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48And you can find yourself another fucking sound man.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52No, don't be like that. You're definitely doing it. You are definitely, definitely doing it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Cheers, man.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Oh, Rog, don't stand there. - What?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09You're in the shot.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16And this is the Meribelle, modelled by Tricia.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Tricia's put on a little weight recently,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22but the Meribelle's woven with elastic panels,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25so it can cope with the odd doughnut.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Rog, you're in shot again. - Can I have a go?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31No, you can't have a go. I've got a tone here, a style developing.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33But this thing's killing my arms.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37You wouldn't ask Rembrandt, "Can I have a go on your paintbrush?", would you?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Don't be a twat. - Don't say twat at a wedding fair.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Twat! GASPING
0:21:42 > 0:21:43(Rog, shut up!)
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Well, your brother made it...
0:21:50 > 0:21:55- Actually...yeah. Have a go. - Cool.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03So, our guinea pig today is Lauren. Lauren, have you set a date?
0:22:03 > 0:22:08I have, Penny. 30th of January, three years' time, Mairstone Castle.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Three years! Wow. Is your groom all right about that long a wait?
0:22:12 > 0:22:18No, well, I haven't actually met anyone yet, but if I don't book now I won't get the venue.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23And with our specialist technology, we put weights within the bouquet,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27so that the extra weight of the posy will tense your biceps.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It will strengthen your triceps,
0:22:29 > 0:22:34and it will eliminate any risk of bingo wings on your big day.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37But also to try and find something that's compatible with your current...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Obviously, you don't want to be all like...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43You don't want to be stiff on the morning after your wedding.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44- Yeah, Raif, stop it. - Hmm?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Stop it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Sorry.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Hi, guys. So the idea is you visit the studios
0:22:51 > 0:22:52around six weeks before your wedding day,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56and you bring your wedding lingerie, your veil and tiara,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and then we direct you into these amazing body sculpting poses.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Do this. Definitely do this.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Ever the other way round? Do you ever film grooms for brides?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Yes, of course, sir. Would you like to enter our draw to win a photoshoot?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12No, thank you. It's great, it's not for me.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- Thank you so much. Thank you. - Thanks. Cheers.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19'Cor, don't mind if I do.'
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Actually, yes, I will. - Oh, great.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27The heat of the room warms them up. So at the special moment,
0:23:27 > 0:23:32la-la, voila! Wedding filled with butterflies.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- That is stupendous. - Look at that.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- We've got to have that. - You have.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Is that one dead? - No, they're just sleeping.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- They're all...- No, no.- Those four are dead. Look, that's not moving.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47That one's alive. I think it's eating that one.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Look, there's one right here. Saskia, there's one on you!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Get it off. Please take it off. I don't want it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Please, take it off. I don't like... Sorry.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- They're nice. - I don't want that, actually. Sorry.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02What can a butterfly do except look lovely?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Sas... - Don't worry, we'll have them.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Thank you. - Three boxes for each per...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10So we've got eight bridesmaids...
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Well, um...making it personal to Saskia, you know. I think that's what... Don't we?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17What makes a wedding special. Those little personal ideas,
0:24:17 > 0:24:23personal touches that make it absolutely, entirely Saskia's.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26And I hope that's what Jenna's going to come up with.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Mm.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30'So, what's it like being a wedding planner?'
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Oh, well, being a wedding planner's a dream job for a woman.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39You get married six times a year and you never have to go home with the men!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- And you used to be an air hostess? - Er, yes.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51I stopped being an air hostess after one particularly bad flight into...
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Helsinki, after which I... sort of lost confidence.
0:24:55 > 0:25:00And my love for the job, and I... suffered a severe loss of drive.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Severe loss of...of motivation. Plus, um...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I started to...
0:25:07 > 0:25:11scream quite a bit during turbulence, so that wasn't...
0:25:11 > 0:25:12so good.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Remember one thing.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27People come for the bride and the groom,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29but they go home...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32talking about the butterfly release.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36SHE MAKES FLITTERING SOUNDS
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Wow.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44This is going to be really special.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46To get some tips for Tim and Saskia's first dance,
0:25:46 > 0:25:51we've managed to get Konstantin Yevchinski from the Moscow Ballet.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54MUSIC: The Power Of Love by Jennifer Rush
0:25:54 > 0:25:57So our thought was, um, this is kind of our song...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Well, not our song but a song that was playing when...
0:26:00 > 0:26:04on the night we met. So...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Um, do it, the dance, now.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Er...
0:26:24 > 0:26:28KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Um...you two have never had sex.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:26:35 > 0:26:39You dance like you've never had sex.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Um...have you had sex?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- Not since we got here. - No.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Dance is passion.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53It's not here.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It's here!
0:26:56 > 0:26:58HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:26:59 > 0:27:03MUSIC: Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry
0:27:06 > 0:27:08ROCK'N'ROLL PLAYS
0:27:15 > 0:27:17IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:21 > 0:27:27MUSIC: I See You Baby (Fatboy Slim Remix) by Groove Armada
0:27:27 > 0:27:29IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:29 > 0:27:35MUSIC: I See You Baby (Fatboy Slim Remix) by Groove Armada
0:27:35 > 0:27:38TANGO PLAYS
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Stop!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- It's...it's shit. Basically. - OK. Sorry.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00- KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN - Er...terrible. Shit. Er, penis...limp.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05Drooping like two wildebeests or any bison-like creature.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- Pissed bison. Yeah, pissed. - Oh, no, don't... Oh!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Oh, if you just...
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Maestro!
0:28:13 > 0:28:17SLAVIC FOLK MUSIC PLAYS
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Oh, yes.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30SHE WHIMPERS
0:28:34 > 0:28:37HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:28:38 > 0:28:42If you feel passion in your partner, you'll feel it!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Is that right, Alex? Did you feel his passion?
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Sorry?
0:28:50 > 0:28:55Going to put the camera here. I've no idea what I'm filming.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59Who was it who said, "You never know what's around the corner"?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Um, John F Kennedy.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05No, I think it was Forrest Gump, wasn't it? The chocolates thing?
0:29:05 > 0:29:08Anyway, you plan for one venue and suddenly
0:29:08 > 0:29:13one you could only dream of gets a wedding licence.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- What are you talking about? - Has something happened with the Grosvenor?
0:29:16 > 0:29:17What's going on?
0:29:19 > 0:29:21Blindfolds off.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28'If there was a lesson to be learned from the sinking of the Titanic,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32'like something about bigger not always being better,
0:29:32 > 0:29:35'Alex was studiously ignoring it.'
0:29:35 > 0:29:38- ALEX LAUGHS - It's all yours.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43(It's quite ridiculous. We're just going to say no.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46(Yeah, it's too big. I know, don't worry.)
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Come here, look at this.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53The first couple to be married at Rostherne Hall. How does that sound?
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Great.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01- Tim? - Yeah.
0:30:02 > 0:30:07- DISTANT:- We're in a bloody stately home!- I was there, I saw it.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10Raif Moyle reporting here.
0:30:10 > 0:30:13As I'm showing you everything that happened in the run-up to the wedding,
0:30:13 > 0:30:18I think it's important that we document some of the "speed bumps" on the...
0:30:18 > 0:30:21- path of the happy day. - We're discussing it.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25It's a bit bloody late now. Two seconds later Mum comes over and you're like...
0:30:25 > 0:30:27- "Oh, great. Fantastic!" - What am I supposed to do?
0:30:27 > 0:30:32Say, "Shove it up your arse, your stately home"? No, I can't do that.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34She's your mother, it makes her happy...
0:30:34 > 0:30:37VOICES RECEDE
0:30:37 > 0:30:41One day he'll look back on that...
0:30:41 > 0:30:44and really laugh.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46DOOR SLAMS
0:30:50 > 0:30:54TANNOY: Next on the card is the 3:25 Rigid Box Haulage Stakes.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Classified race over seven furlongs...
0:30:57 > 0:30:59FRANTIC COMMENTARY
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Are you running?
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Um...girls, I'm afraid there's been a change of venue for the wedding,
0:31:10 > 0:31:13- so new invitations. - My God, they haven't double-booked?
0:31:13 > 0:31:16- Not the Grosvenor, surely? - No, no. It's just that, um...
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Somewhere else came up which had always been Saskia's favourite anyway.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- Oh, my God.- Oh, my God! - It's not a hassle, is it?
0:31:22 > 0:31:26- Had you booked cabs? - Alex, it's Rostherne Hall.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29Wow, it's Rostherne Hall!
0:31:29 > 0:31:31How on earth did you manage to get that?
0:31:31 > 0:31:33- Amazing. That's... - It's unheard of, actually.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36- Wow. - Brilliant.- Brilliant.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40Are you getting all this? Sorry, but if you don't take the first time then...
0:31:40 > 0:31:43the reactions aren't so real. Thanks, Raif.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49- It's outrageous. - Oh, it's fucking ridiculous.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53- It's far too big.- But it's cold, Jacqui, that's the thing.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56- She'll never heat it. - No, I know, it's wrong.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01So, Des, how's the big speech coming along?
0:32:01 > 0:32:03How's this for an opener?
0:32:03 > 0:32:06"Ladies and gentlemen,
0:32:06 > 0:32:11"most of you know I am not Saskia's biological father,
0:32:11 > 0:32:15"but I like to think I am her non-biological one."
0:32:15 > 0:32:20- Well, will that get a laugh? - Um...
0:32:20 > 0:32:23- Bird cages.- Oh!- With real birds in them.- No...
0:32:23 > 0:32:27And you dye the bird to match the cage. Or you can have a white one and a black...
0:32:27 > 0:32:29I don't... I don't want birds.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32- Darling, look... - Picture frames on twigs.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34- Why? - Why? Why not? Why not?
0:32:36 > 0:32:40..and the doctor said, "I can't see a parrot, madam, but I can tell you've had a cockatoo."
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Inappropriate?
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Um...
0:32:44 > 0:32:48Wheatgrass. Just knock it back. Good for your teeth.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54OK.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56Just...
0:33:00 > 0:33:02OK.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- Er, wheatgrass.- Mum, I... - Wheatgrass. Wheatgrass!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10- Thank you, Jenna. - Jenna's being marvellous.
0:33:10 > 0:33:15- Something with a horn. Thank you. - Stop it!
0:33:15 > 0:33:18I'm going to be your mother-in-law in a week.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31It's lovely. Feel that, you can just...
0:33:31 > 0:33:36I think it could do with a coat of arms. An escutcheon thing with the family crest.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39250? 300.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Oh, sorry.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Forget my head. All right? Oh, you got that down you? Good.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58- Ta-da! - Oh, I think they're perfect.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00No. I don't like it.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11As you enter, the falcon flies the length of the church,
0:34:11 > 0:34:13and delivers you the wedding rings.
0:34:13 > 0:34:14All right?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Jenna, you're a genius. You are a genius.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21We'll have that. Definitely. Fantastic.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25I don't know what it is. It's part of the theme, isn't it?
0:34:25 > 0:34:30What, birds of prey theme? OK. I must have missed that meeting,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33we decided to have a predator-themed wedding.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- OK. I'll change it. - Were you at the meeting?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38I'll tell them you're not happy with the falcons delivering the rings.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42Let's have a couple of... penguins with them on trays. Yeah?
0:34:42 > 0:34:45That's a nice idea. Yeah, thank you!
0:34:50 > 0:34:53So, I was thinking we should film at the summerhouse.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Are you going to watch that? Is that why you're making it?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59- It's a present for you. - Yeah? Well, stop it. OK?
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Just put it down. If it's a present for me, then...
0:35:01 > 0:35:05When somebody offers you a present, it is customary to accept.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07There's actually a tribe in Eastern Siberia where...
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Can you get the salsa, please?
0:35:09 > 0:35:12- I don't think the camera's the problem.- I do, Raif.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16- No, it's that you don't back up Saskia.- All right, I'll get it myself.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18- You roll over to Alex all the time. - What?!
0:35:18 > 0:35:21- Anything she says... - I haven't rolled over to anyone.
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Don't be silly. If she told you you were having an underwater wedding,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27- you'd be round there in a frog suit. - I want you to be there,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30in the middle of this nightmare, helping me organise this wedding,
0:35:30 > 0:35:32instead of just dicking around around the edges.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35How dare you! I am not dicking around the edges.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38I'm taking this as seriously as I've ever taken anything.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41What the hell is this?
0:35:41 > 0:35:43Right, yeah. Well...
0:35:43 > 0:35:47I won a raffle at a wedding show. It seemed like a shame to waste it.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51- You say no for the sake of saying no.- No. Mum.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53You've always been like this. "No, I don't want braces."
0:35:53 > 0:35:58- "No, I don't want to go to finishing school."- I didn't want braces! - But you've got to try things.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01- Oh, I've got to try things?- Yes! - Well, I've never tried heroin, so...
0:36:01 > 0:36:04- Could you stop filming, please? - Heroin, shall I try some?
0:36:04 > 0:36:06- Probably not.- Mum.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09- You want me to travel in a Rolls-Royce.- Yes.- Fine.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Then you change your mind. You want to travel in a Bentley. Fine!
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Don't you want enchantment? Don't you want your day to...
0:36:16 > 0:36:19- Don't you want it to be special? - Mum, are you taking heroin?
0:36:19 > 0:36:24Because every time I tell you what I want, it's like you're not there!
0:36:24 > 0:36:26Do not say that.
0:36:26 > 0:36:31I'm not a monster. I'm a mother who wants her daughter's wedding day to be special.
0:36:40 > 0:36:45I didn't like to say in front of your mother, but I think that horse had the horn!
0:36:45 > 0:36:48You look like you could do with a drink.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51We're there. There.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54OK. Oh, crikey, I'm on now, am I?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Yes, you are officially part of our wedding video.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00- Right.- Show him the ring, darling. - Oh, that's lovely. Congratulations.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03- Thank you. - We're very happy.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07Well done. So you're looking for wine for how many?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- How many?- 600.- 600, that's... - 600?- Yeah.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14- 600? - Yeah, we're up to six now.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Right, 600. Right, OK, well, I'll just...
0:37:16 > 0:37:19Sit down. I'll just get a little selection.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21- A seat for the bride? - Thank you, my darling.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Don't mention it, my sweet.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Won't be long. Just make yourselves comfortable. 600?
0:37:25 > 0:37:28- Six. Yes. - Our 600 guests,
0:37:28 > 0:37:31who we shall now try all of the wine for.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Mmm. Mmmm!
0:37:38 > 0:37:41- You do, you get the almonds just at the end.- It just nips in there.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44The almond just nips in there.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46I can taste liquorice.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48And liquorice as well, yes. Well spotted.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52- Do you have any others with liquorice?- I think...
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Actually, yes. Hold tight.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Now we're in...
0:37:57 > 0:37:59business.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Cheers.
0:38:08 > 0:38:11- That's lovely. - I'm getting mango.
0:38:11 > 0:38:12Are you? Mango?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18But jasmine as well? Bit of jasmine in there?
0:38:18 > 0:38:20CORK POPS
0:38:20 > 0:38:22- Very moreish. - Yeah.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27- Yeah?- Lovely, yes. Thank you. Now, this has a lovely,
0:38:27 > 0:38:29herbaceous,
0:38:29 > 0:38:31green aroma.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34So we can compare them, let's get another of the...
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- the, er, one, um... the one before.- The one...
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Can you see the bottle opener anywhere?
0:38:42 > 0:38:46- You're so funny, Andrew. You're so funny.- You two, I know.
0:38:46 > 0:38:51- To happy happiness.- And plenty more where that came from.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54SOBBING: You just see what you want to see, don't you?
0:38:54 > 0:38:57You just bloody see what you want to see.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00ANDREW MOANS AND JABBERS TUNE
0:39:07 > 0:39:10So, do you want to hear the song that I've written?
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Yeah.
0:39:13 > 0:39:18# His name is Tim Your name is Saskia...
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Well, is that...
0:39:25 > 0:39:29- Is that it?- I can't remember what I did after that, to be honest.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34I don't think I want my wedding song written by the "orgasm gun" guy.
0:39:34 > 0:39:39'OK, just to clarify, at school Roger and I were in a band.
0:39:39 > 0:39:42'I say band... We only had the one song.'
0:39:42 > 0:39:45# Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun... #
0:39:45 > 0:39:50'I say song... It was really just one line that we repeated over and over again,
0:39:50 > 0:39:52'whilst everyone pretended to have an orgasm,
0:39:52 > 0:39:57'which went down surprisingly poorly at the Christmas carol concert.'
0:39:57 > 0:40:00- ALL:- # Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun
0:40:04 > 0:40:08- # Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun... # - Sorry, what? Hello. What?
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- Waaaaay! - What's going on?
0:40:11 > 0:40:14- Where have you been? - What's going on?- We've got to eat.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17We...we, we have to go and eat... to eat with the chef.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21- Who gave her the spliff? You? - Er, hello?
0:40:21 > 0:40:24- I'm still in the room. I can hear you.- Yeah, right you are.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Tim!
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Don't laugh at him.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32And you're just like, "Yeah, fine," to whatever she says.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35- That is such a load of bollocks. - Yes, you are!
0:40:35 > 0:40:37I've never heard such shit in my life.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40- What did you do all day? - I wanted to go out.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43- Raif was there. - Just been titting around with him.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53She just needed a break from the wedding stuff.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Don't make this harder than it is already.
0:40:56 > 0:41:00I see you've worked out the title of your autobiography then!
0:41:03 > 0:41:06'Hiring Rostherne Hall attracted the attention
0:41:06 > 0:41:08'of the local glossy magazine,
0:41:08 > 0:41:13'which promptly made Tim and Saskia the stars of their Wedding of the Month feature.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16'This required a photoshoot.'
0:41:16 > 0:41:19Smile. Just remember you're in love.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23And you have your whole lives together.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25'Meanwhile, out on the terrace,
0:41:25 > 0:41:29'Britain's next top model was getting ready to have her photo taken, too.'
0:41:29 > 0:41:31This is my favourite view,
0:41:31 > 0:41:34looking from the house down towards the lake.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37- POSH MAN:- Just look this way, please. Lovely.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39And again.
0:41:40 > 0:41:41Oh, that's nice.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44'With Patricia in such an excellent mood,
0:41:44 > 0:41:46'I thought I'd ask some burning questions.'
0:41:46 > 0:41:51So, Patricia, it must have been a very different family before Alex met Des?
0:41:51 > 0:41:54Not much money around. Was it...
0:41:54 > 0:41:59I'm assuming Alex and Saskia's dad must have separated?
0:41:59 > 0:42:03Probably about 2O minutes after conception.
0:42:03 > 0:42:08Right. Might be hard to track him down for an interview, then.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Well, you could stand on the Eiffel Tower,
0:42:10 > 0:42:15and shout out, "Has anyone had sex with a waitress on holiday?"
0:42:15 > 0:42:20But being in France I don't suppose many hands would stay down, would they?
0:42:22 > 0:42:26And then she says, "But being France, I doubt many hands..."
0:42:26 > 0:42:28- If you could try to... - Here we are.
0:42:28 > 0:42:31Here is the groom. And the best man.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35This is Luke from Exclusive Videos, who's going to be shooting the wedding video,
0:42:35 > 0:42:37so the pressure's off you, Raif.
0:42:37 > 0:42:41You can focus on your main job now.
0:42:41 > 0:42:42Raif?
0:42:42 > 0:42:45You can focus on being best man.
0:42:48 > 0:42:52This one was shot by the third Lord Rostherne, in Kenya I think.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56Early 1800s. Magnificent beast.
0:42:56 > 0:42:59'I could let Alex have her official version of events,
0:42:59 > 0:43:04'but I decided I was going to keep filming as well. Undercover.'
0:43:04 > 0:43:06Really!
0:43:06 > 0:43:11Anyway, these ones were in West Africa. Chased them for days.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14Very rare breed. Almost extinct. Terrible trouble hunting them down.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16And round here, a special one. Very special.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20The jewel in the crown.
0:43:20 > 0:43:24This was the one the third Lord was most proud of.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27- You don't see many of these. - No, I can imagine.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31Couldn't stuff the whole thing. The rest we made into cushions.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33RAIF LAUGHS
0:43:35 > 0:43:40- IN POSH ACCENT:- Saturday afternoon, 1978, Chester Zoo.
0:43:40 > 0:43:44Very difficult shot. Children everywhere.
0:43:44 > 0:43:49Ah, now, these magnificent specimens,
0:43:49 > 0:43:52for me they sum up what was really great about this country.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55They're a constant reminder
0:43:55 > 0:44:00that the English were never afraid to shoot a grazing herbivore right up the arse,
0:44:00 > 0:44:02from behind a wall of Nigerians.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05SHE GUFFAWS
0:44:08 > 0:44:12And...this is my favourite. I actually stuffed him myself.
0:44:12 > 0:44:16But it was too rainy to go hunting,
0:44:16 > 0:44:18so we bought him from a pet shop,
0:44:18 > 0:44:21took him home, kicked him down the stairs.
0:44:21 > 0:44:25I say, bam-bam old girl, what's through here?
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Er...
0:44:27 > 0:44:31The fourth Lord, who married into the Marquillage family,
0:44:31 > 0:44:35and, finally, the fifth Lord.
0:44:35 > 0:44:38My late husband.
0:44:38 > 0:44:42Oh, look. Here he is.
0:44:42 > 0:44:48Harold, you've lost weight. Have they not been feeding you?
0:44:48 > 0:44:50Sas, grab the camera.
0:44:51 > 0:44:55He was wonderful. Very kind. Very sensitive.
0:44:55 > 0:44:58Very Christian man.
0:44:58 > 0:45:03I still feel his presence everywhere in this house.
0:45:03 > 0:45:05Hello. Lord Rostherne here.
0:45:05 > 0:45:09Just reliving some of my favourite moments from out on safari.
0:45:09 > 0:45:13Out on the savanna once, some chap told me you can't call yourself a real hunter,
0:45:13 > 0:45:16till you've popped the old chap in a tiger's mouth.
0:45:16 > 0:45:20I said, "Sir, if you'd met Lady Rostherne you'd know..."
0:45:20 > 0:45:23- This is my bedroom. - ..that's a blessed relief...
0:45:26 > 0:45:29Oh, my God.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37- WHISPERING:- Hi, this is Saskia.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41I am reporting on a camera which has just been confiscated,
0:45:41 > 0:45:45by my mother from Raif,
0:45:45 > 0:45:49who is currently in there getting a major bollocking...
0:45:49 > 0:45:53What's he done? What did he do?
0:45:53 > 0:45:56Oh, no, it's fine. We were just...
0:45:56 > 0:46:00- We were in the private rooms and... - We?
0:46:04 > 0:46:06Why are you treating this like it's a laugh?
0:46:06 > 0:46:09This is a wedding, Saskia. This is not a laugh, this is a wedding.
0:46:09 > 0:46:15And it's close and it's getting closer and you treating it like it's some fucking party,
0:46:15 > 0:46:17is not going to help us get through this!
0:46:27 > 0:46:29SHE GASPS
0:46:29 > 0:46:31It's still here.
0:46:32 > 0:46:36This is a site of immense historical importance.
0:46:36 > 0:46:40Anyone who bunked off Roton High ended up down here drinking beer.
0:46:40 > 0:46:44And this is where Raif is going to meet me if he wants his camera back.
0:46:47 > 0:46:49Good day, Lord Rostherne!
0:46:49 > 0:46:52My good Lady Rostherne, how are you?
0:46:54 > 0:46:57- Old Glory! - Oh, my God.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59- 57 pence. - Old Glory.
0:46:59 > 0:47:02- Yes. - God, they still make it.
0:47:02 > 0:47:08- I hope they still make it.- Wow.- This may be from the batch he still had the last time I went in there.
0:47:08 > 0:47:11I think mine's got hairs floating in it. I can't drink this.
0:47:11 > 0:47:14I've got a wedding dress fitting this afternoon.
0:47:14 > 0:47:17- Definitely don't drink that.- I'm supposed to be drinking wheat grass.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20- Enjoy that. - Let me have a taste, one taste.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25- And it's just as... - Wow.
0:47:25 > 0:47:29- ..revolting as I remember. - That will put hairs on your hairs.
0:47:33 > 0:47:37- How did you end up in Lucerne? - It was Gran's idea.
0:47:37 > 0:47:41European college to help prepare for society.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43Like university?
0:47:43 > 0:47:47Er, one of the lessons was how to listen to a conversation.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49You're kidding.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51- How long did you last? - Six days.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53- Wow. - Got chucked out during
0:47:53 > 0:47:56"How to get out of a sports car without flashing your knickers".
0:47:56 > 0:47:58I wasn't wearing any. I was.
0:47:58 > 0:48:01- Things went downhill from there. - How?
0:48:06 > 0:48:11- Well, basically just more and more debts.- Go on.
0:48:11 > 0:48:15- There was a hire car driven into a lake.- Wow.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18There was an affair with the bloke who took the stitches out.
0:48:18 > 0:48:19He was lovely.
0:48:19 > 0:48:22Then I had a fight with his wife.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25I got in with this biker gang. I mean,
0:48:25 > 0:48:28it was incredible and just the loveliest guys.
0:48:28 > 0:48:31Um, but...
0:48:31 > 0:48:35turned out they were basically using me as a drugs mule.
0:48:36 > 0:48:41I realised I had spiked my own drink.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43The bloke that had his tooth removed, he's suing me
0:48:43 > 0:48:46because it turns out he's a flautist.
0:48:46 > 0:48:48RAIF LAUGHS
0:48:48 > 0:48:53- She set my ponytail on fire.- No!- And the rest of the bar. It was awful.
0:48:53 > 0:48:56I had to leave Italy after that.
0:48:56 > 0:48:59My mum and Des had to fly out while I'm in hospital,
0:48:59 > 0:49:03waiting till I'm fit enough to stand bail. Oh, my God.
0:49:05 > 0:49:09And that's when Saskia Dutton became Saskia Critchley.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16Right. Come on, come with me.
0:49:18 > 0:49:22Where are we going? Raif.
0:49:22 > 0:49:27This is the summerhouse. Mum and Dad bought it when we were small.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29Oh, look.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31You can imagine coming here when you were a kid.
0:49:31 > 0:49:35Swallows And Amazons and The Famous Five all rolled into one.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38So peaceful.
0:49:38 > 0:49:39- HOOTER BLARES - What the...?
0:49:39 > 0:49:42TANNOY: 'The River Dee was a vital watercourse...'
0:49:42 > 0:49:45Oh, that's new. 'It rises in the hills in Llanuwchllyn...'
0:49:45 > 0:49:47Oh, bloody hell.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50Cheap lock.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57Wow.
0:49:59 > 0:50:00This is...
0:50:04 > 0:50:06Look at this.
0:50:14 > 0:50:19They always said they'd see the world, Mum and Dad.
0:50:19 > 0:50:24So when they died, me and Tim decided we'd do the trip for them.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Sold the house.
0:50:27 > 0:50:31Bought the tickets. Head to Patagonia where they were.
0:50:33 > 0:50:34Are.
0:50:38 > 0:50:40I made it but...
0:50:40 > 0:50:42Tim didn't.
0:50:42 > 0:50:43Because he met you.
0:50:45 > 0:50:47No, not like that. No.
0:50:47 > 0:50:50No, I... He should have stayed.
0:50:50 > 0:50:51Well...
0:50:56 > 0:50:58They'd have really liked you.
0:51:00 > 0:51:02Thank you.
0:51:11 > 0:51:13See if you can hit that stick.
0:51:16 > 0:51:18- Rubbish. - Shit.
0:51:19 > 0:51:22This is THE tree.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25Tim could never climb it but yours truly is basically Spider-Man.
0:51:25 > 0:51:27- Wow. Go on, then. Go on. - Uh?
0:51:27 > 0:51:28Go on.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34Thank you. That's nice.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36- Um... - You all right?
0:51:36 > 0:51:37Not really.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42- Little help? - Yeah. OK.
0:51:43 > 0:51:46- Fuck. - Oh, my God.
0:51:46 > 0:51:51I wanted them to be like footprints of all my travels. So,
0:51:51 > 0:51:55I got that in Tijuana, cool snake.
0:51:55 > 0:51:59They say never fall in love with a stripper, but that's California.
0:51:59 > 0:52:01Hello, Jeanie.
0:52:01 > 0:52:05Monkeys fighting robots. That's, well, Tokyo, obviously.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08And then up here on my chest I got this Maori guy to design,
0:52:08 > 0:52:12it was beautiful, my mum and dad's birth signs.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15- Oh! - Yeah. Except it went septic so,
0:52:15 > 0:52:17I went to Dagenham and this bloke covered it
0:52:17 > 0:52:19with a massive fucking dragon.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22- Oh, my God. - Sweet, right.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24HOOTER BLARES
0:52:24 > 0:52:26'The River Dee was a vital watercourse for the Romans.'
0:52:26 > 0:52:30Um, yeah. Turn that off.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32Seriously. Turn that off.
0:52:34 > 0:52:38And on your left you'll see the native tribes people of this area.
0:52:38 > 0:52:39SCREAMING
0:52:39 > 0:52:40RAIF GRUNTS AND YELLS
0:52:52 > 0:52:54SASKIA LAUGHS
0:52:54 > 0:52:56Rog.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59Gina Palladia, Foregate Street.
0:52:59 > 0:53:02We're going to do a special shot.
0:53:02 > 0:53:03- SASKIA CHUCKLES - Bring your guitar.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07- OK, cue music, Rog. - ROG PLAYS FLAMENCO
0:53:07 > 0:53:10And here comes the bride!
0:53:12 > 0:53:14Cock.
0:53:14 > 0:53:17- What?- That's what the models say. Pout, cock.
0:53:17 > 0:53:20- Pout. Cock. Cock. - Cock?
0:53:20 > 0:53:23Right. Give me tigress.
0:53:23 > 0:53:24RAIF LAUGHS
0:53:26 > 0:53:28Ninja.
0:53:31 > 0:53:37Er, OK, dance for me. My flamenco beauty! You must dance!
0:53:37 > 0:53:38SASKIA SQUEALS
0:53:38 > 0:53:39GUITAR STOPS
0:53:39 > 0:53:41RAIF LAUGHS
0:53:49 > 0:53:51RAIF'S LAUGHTER SUBSIDES
0:53:51 > 0:53:52Sas?
0:53:52 > 0:53:54SHE SOBS
0:53:54 > 0:53:56Saskia?
0:53:57 > 0:53:59Saskia?
0:53:59 > 0:54:01Sas...
0:54:03 > 0:54:06ROG: Raif! Raif!
0:54:06 > 0:54:08Sas! Saskia!
0:54:08 > 0:54:12Raif! What do I do? Do you want me to keep filming?
0:54:12 > 0:54:15Sorry, mate, sorry. There you go. Sas!
0:54:15 > 0:54:17- Raif! - Please come back, Saskia!
0:54:17 > 0:54:21- Saskia! - Well, what do I do?
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Raif!
0:54:24 > 0:54:26Bingo.
0:54:33 > 0:54:37Can I just say the thing that anybody would say to a woman two days before her wedding...
0:54:37 > 0:54:39I'm not nervous.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41All right.
0:54:41 > 0:54:46Well, Doctor Raif's in session. Taking patients. Ding.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49Come on.
0:54:49 > 0:54:51I'm very compassionate.
0:54:51 > 0:54:55Compassion's nature's way of helping ugly men find partners, so...
0:55:02 > 0:55:05I'm unhappy - OK?
0:55:06 > 0:55:09And it's dark.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12Like, imagine the darkest colour you can imagine.
0:55:12 > 0:55:15Like black but even darker.
0:55:15 > 0:55:21Well, it's like this sticky, dark oil has been...
0:55:21 > 0:55:24poured into my heart and it hurts.
0:55:24 > 0:55:30And it's just this big black, smoker's lung of...
0:55:30 > 0:55:34unhappiness just dripping with...
0:55:34 > 0:55:36blackness.
0:55:38 > 0:55:39Fuck.
0:55:48 > 0:55:53Year 11. You bunked off halfway through cross country. Got on a bus,
0:55:53 > 0:55:57just so you could see the Chemical Brothers check out of a hotel.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00April that same year, the week Kurt Cobain died,
0:56:00 > 0:56:03you asked if you could read in assembly,
0:56:03 > 0:56:06but you didn't read from the Bible, you read out Nirvana,
0:56:06 > 0:56:08even when they tried to drag you away.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Sports Day, you pierced your ear and it bled
0:56:13 > 0:56:16and you cried for an hour,
0:56:16 > 0:56:18and the little kid in the year below you,
0:56:18 > 0:56:22bought you some ice cubes and you smiled at him.
0:56:22 > 0:56:24And that smile stopped his heart.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28And I'll never forget that smile.
0:56:29 > 0:56:32- Oh...- So any time you feel less than fantastic,
0:56:32 > 0:56:36you remember, you're Saskia Dutton, Saskia Dutton.
0:57:02 > 0:57:04Sorry.
0:57:07 > 0:57:08Whoa.
0:57:12 > 0:57:13OK.
0:57:15 > 0:57:16They didn't?
0:57:18 > 0:57:21Oh, they didn't. Please tell me they didn't.
0:57:23 > 0:57:27So has someone seen them?
0:57:27 > 0:57:28Someone definitely knows?
0:57:30 > 0:57:32Oh, great.
0:57:32 > 0:57:34Something wrong?
0:57:36 > 0:57:41The Koreans who were going to do foot massage in the toilets just got deported.
0:57:44 > 0:57:46- ROG:- Hey, Raif.
0:57:46 > 0:57:50What are you going to do about this? Hmm?
0:57:50 > 0:57:53- Please tell me you're going to tell him.- Rog, turn the camera off.
0:57:53 > 0:57:56- No chance. This scene is far too... - Give me the camera.
0:57:56 > 0:58:02Hey. Old Cheshire Glory. It's his favourite. Took me ages to find it.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04Apparently they've stopped making it. It killed too many tramps.
0:58:04 > 0:58:08- Raif's got something to say. - No, no. Listen, that should be me.
0:58:08 > 0:58:11Look, I just want to say... No, no, no, I'm sorry,
0:58:11 > 0:58:15for being arsey and stroppy, you know, with everyone.
0:58:15 > 0:58:18It's just the wedding and the whole...
0:58:18 > 0:58:22I took myself to one side and I gave myself a very stern talking to,
0:58:22 > 0:58:26and you know what? Everything's fine.
0:58:26 > 0:58:29You know, I'm fine, the wedding's all fine,
0:58:29 > 0:58:35because I know, I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I?
0:58:35 > 0:58:37And Saskia's all right. I mean, you'd know.
0:58:37 > 0:58:40- He's a much better judge of women. - Yeah... Saskia isn't...
0:58:40 > 0:58:44Leicester. You asked me what town she was and I said Leicester.
0:58:48 > 0:58:50She's not Leicester. She's...
0:58:50 > 0:58:54Rio and Mardi Gras and Amsterdam and...
0:58:54 > 0:58:58- Barcelona in the rain.- I've never been to any of those places.
0:58:58 > 0:59:02You don't have to now, you're marrying Saskia Dutton.
0:59:02 > 0:59:04The world comes to you.
0:59:08 > 0:59:11The Moyle brothers. All for one and one for all.
0:59:25 > 0:59:28# Your woman is your angel
0:59:28 > 0:59:32# Is your left side Your whole life
0:59:32 > 0:59:38# And easily the most beautiful thing in your world
0:59:40 > 0:59:44# She'll soothe you Accuse you
0:59:44 > 0:59:48# Confuse you She'll lose you
0:59:48 > 0:59:54# But always be the best friend you have in the world
0:59:57 > 1:00:01# Time and space
1:00:01 > 1:00:04# Things in their place
1:00:04 > 1:00:08# I know it's more than a feeling
1:00:08 > 1:00:16# Cos my love it has no ceiling for you. #
1:00:16 > 1:00:18- Raif? - Hey.
1:00:18 > 1:00:22Oh. Hi, hey. Um...
1:00:23 > 1:00:25I just wanted to say everything's fine.
1:00:25 > 1:00:27Oh.
1:00:27 > 1:00:32It's funny, I was just thinking how fine everything was. So...
1:00:32 > 1:00:34Good. Um, well...
1:00:34 > 1:00:39- that's what I came to... - Say. And what I was just thinking.
1:00:39 > 1:00:41Um, good.
1:00:43 > 1:00:45Obviously a bit...
1:00:45 > 1:00:48weird, but, um...
1:00:48 > 1:00:50- it happens. - Oh, all the time.
1:00:50 > 1:00:54- Happened to me once on a ferry, which...- What?
1:00:54 > 1:00:58- What are you...? - I don't know.
1:01:01 > 1:01:05- What were you saying? - How, in the kebab shop when I...
1:01:05 > 1:01:10- Yeah. No, done. Erased. Don't worry.- No, um...
1:01:10 > 1:01:17No, I mean that there...obviously, there are things to, um...
1:01:17 > 1:01:24to address um...
1:01:24 > 1:01:26- for me and Tim, not... - Oh. No, look...
1:01:26 > 1:01:29- ..and this is not the time.- Just get this wedding out of the way.
1:01:29 > 1:01:33And then sort out the marriage after. I mean, you don't have to sort it out.
1:01:33 > 1:01:37- No, no, er, yeah...it's OK.- You've got two days till the wedding.
1:01:37 > 1:01:42- You've seen the schedule, so... - Oh, God, bloody Jenna. She's...
1:01:45 > 1:01:48Cool. So...
1:01:48 > 1:01:53I guess I will see you then. So...
1:01:55 > 1:01:57As long as you're fine.
1:01:57 > 1:02:02- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.- Right.
1:02:06 > 1:02:07DOOR SHUTS
1:02:10 > 1:02:13- You all right? - Yeah.
1:02:15 > 1:02:18So, have you...organised anything?
1:02:19 > 1:02:22Well, I just thought you'd prefer, you know...
1:02:24 > 1:02:27Well, it's just as well I booked a stripper.
1:02:27 > 1:02:30- What? - What?
1:02:30 > 1:02:33We went through this. I said Tim's not going to want that sort of thing.
1:02:33 > 1:02:35Come on, mate...
1:02:35 > 1:02:37Tim Moyle?
1:02:37 > 1:02:39You've been a very naughty boy.
1:02:41 > 1:02:44- For fuck's sake. - It's fine, Raif, calm down.
1:02:44 > 1:02:46MUSIC PLAYS
1:02:46 > 1:02:49You've been a very naughty boy.
1:02:49 > 1:02:52And you know how we punish...
1:02:52 > 1:02:53PHONE RINGS
1:02:55 > 1:02:57Sorry, I've gotta take this.
1:02:59 > 1:03:02Dave, just wait till I get home.
1:03:02 > 1:03:03Sorry.
1:03:05 > 1:03:08Oh, you naughty boy.
1:03:10 > 1:03:13I'm going to have to take you into custody...
1:03:13 > 1:03:14PHONE RINGS
1:03:15 > 1:03:17Sorry.
1:03:20 > 1:03:23Dave, I said just wait till I get home.
1:03:25 > 1:03:27Why is my job suddenly a problem?
1:03:30 > 1:03:33You know why I'm doing it.
1:03:33 > 1:03:36You know! Don't you think I feel dirty?
1:03:37 > 1:03:41- Don't you think I feel used? - Thanks for this, Rog.
1:03:41 > 1:03:44Come on. It's my fault he's like this.
1:03:45 > 1:03:48Mate, I'm fine. Completely fine, don't worry. Drink!
1:03:50 > 1:03:53Here we go. Internet. Ultimate stag night challenge list.
1:03:53 > 1:03:56- No, no. Give it here. - Yes.
1:03:56 > 1:04:00Rog! We're not doing some dopey bunch of challenge...
1:04:00 > 1:04:03Number one. Three shots in three seconds.
1:04:04 > 1:04:05Go.
1:04:11 > 1:04:13Number two. Join another stag party.
1:04:13 > 1:04:19That's interesting, cos actually we thought of using those caterers.
1:04:19 > 1:04:20Three and four, combined.
1:04:24 > 1:04:27OK, skip that one. What's next?
1:04:27 > 1:04:30Oi, you! You been chatting up my bird?
1:04:30 > 1:04:33Number six, kiss a policewoman.
1:04:36 > 1:04:38Seven, join a hen night.
1:04:38 > 1:04:39Ow!
1:04:39 > 1:04:42Don't do that!
1:04:42 > 1:04:45No, sorry, ladies. Yeah.
1:04:45 > 1:04:47I didn't like that.
1:04:47 > 1:04:49Number nine.
1:04:54 > 1:04:55DOORBELL RINGS
1:05:00 > 1:05:02- No. - It's a big candle.
1:05:02 > 1:05:04No, this is wrong.
1:05:04 > 1:05:07- You again? - We're collecting for charity.
1:05:07 > 1:05:11I've already told you to bugger off once today. Yeah, you keep running.
1:05:11 > 1:05:15And who the fuck are you? Go on, bugger off, the lot of you.
1:05:15 > 1:05:16RAIF CHUCKLES
1:05:16 > 1:05:17RAIF CLEARS HIS THROAT
1:05:19 > 1:05:21MUSIC: Air On A G String by Bach
1:05:29 > 1:05:31So, it's the big day. Are you feeling nervous?
1:05:31 > 1:05:35Er, well, yes, of course I'm nervous. Morning of the wedding.
1:05:35 > 1:05:39But the skill of the planner is to remain a pool of calm.
1:05:39 > 1:05:42- And how do you manage that?- Well, I Can't remember what they're called,
1:05:42 > 1:05:45but it's fine as long as you don't mix them with alcohol.
1:05:45 > 1:05:47Mrs Critchley, how are you feeling?
1:05:47 > 1:05:52Well, this is the big day. The day we've all been building up towards.
1:05:52 > 1:05:54And we're suitably nervous.
1:05:54 > 1:05:58Champagne at the ready. Excuse the curlers.
1:05:58 > 1:06:01Fridges for ice sculptures on your left. Chocolate sculptures on your right.
1:06:01 > 1:06:03Not now. Thank you.
1:06:03 > 1:06:06Italian princess kind of look. Lovely, loose flowing curls.
1:06:06 > 1:06:09Where the hell are my falcons? Round the table.
1:06:09 > 1:06:10- Good.- Thank you.
1:06:10 > 1:06:14Can you get my hat from the bathroom and my bag, please?
1:06:14 > 1:06:18Thank you very much. Hat. Thanks. Absolute frenzy.
1:06:18 > 1:06:20Wonder if it's anything like this at Tim's house?
1:06:22 > 1:06:23TIM SNORES
1:06:23 > 1:06:28- ROG:- Oh, good God. Tim? Tim, wake up.
1:06:28 > 1:06:31It's morning, it's ten o'clock.
1:06:31 > 1:06:35Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my...
1:06:35 > 1:06:37Raif, it's ten o'clock. Raif...
1:06:39 > 1:06:42What the fuck am I wearing?
1:06:42 > 1:06:44Raif? Raif?
1:06:44 > 1:06:49Raif, it's my wedding day! Gotta get up, help me out of this.
1:06:49 > 1:06:51- Help me, Ralf. - No, stay still, stay still.
1:06:51 > 1:06:54- Help me out. There's a zip. - All right, all right.
1:06:54 > 1:06:57I can't go to the wedding dressed like a cock.
1:06:57 > 1:07:00Oh, goodness me. I'm getting nervous now.
1:07:06 > 1:07:08Raif, don't finish that.
1:07:09 > 1:07:10Sorry.
1:07:12 > 1:07:14Put this on. Put this on.
1:07:14 > 1:07:1650 minutes. 50 minutes till I get married.
1:07:16 > 1:07:19Phone. Shoes! 50 minutes till I get married.
1:07:22 > 1:07:25- WOMAN:- It's got to feel rock solid. No, it needs to be further forward.
1:07:25 > 1:07:29OK, is the best man's speech written down'? I need to see it.
1:07:29 > 1:07:31Not to interfere, but just to check the language.
1:07:31 > 1:07:33Alex says no jokes about Europeans,
1:07:33 > 1:07:36because the Belgian Ambassador's going to be there. And also...
1:07:36 > 1:07:40OK, out we get. As the guests approach, you smile.
1:07:40 > 1:07:43And then you strew flowers. OK? Strewing, strewing...
1:07:43 > 1:07:46It's important you remember the names of the ushers. Toby, Fraser and Uri.
1:07:46 > 1:07:50He's the Ambassador's son. They need to know it's their job to marshal everyone for the photograph,
1:07:50 > 1:07:52because the photographer says... SEATBELT ALARM PINGS
1:07:52 > 1:07:56Sorry, what's happening? Has a tyre blown out? Have we got a spare?
1:07:56 > 1:07:59- Where are you going? - What's that noise?
1:07:59 > 1:08:03Oh, no, you're not going to be sick. Don't be sick on the suit. OK? Just don't be sick on the...
1:08:03 > 1:08:06- I have to tell you something.- No, you don't, get back in the car.
1:08:06 > 1:08:08- I have to confess. - About what?
1:08:08 > 1:08:10About me and Saskia.
1:08:14 > 1:08:16Right. Ten minutes.
1:08:16 > 1:08:20- So, I'll go in the first car with your gran, OK?- Mum.
1:08:20 > 1:08:21Don't.
1:08:21 > 1:08:24- What? - I know what you're going to say.
1:08:24 > 1:08:26You do?
1:08:26 > 1:08:30And, believe me, seeing you walk down the aisle with the man you love,
1:08:30 > 1:08:32that'll be thanks enough for me.
1:08:35 > 1:08:38- Wish me luck. - Good luck. Good luck.
1:08:43 > 1:08:45- No, get off. - You shit, you total...
1:08:45 > 1:08:48What are you doing?
1:08:50 > 1:08:54- Come on, get them apart. - All right.
1:08:54 > 1:08:56Just calm down, yeah.
1:08:59 > 1:09:02MAN: 'Limo one is code green. Limo one code green.
1:09:02 > 1:09:08'Champagne to zone four. Cue aerial display. Go, go, go, go!'
1:09:08 > 1:09:09PLANES ROAR OVERHEAD
1:09:09 > 1:09:11Oh, look, Mother.
1:09:18 > 1:09:21She kissed you?
1:09:24 > 1:09:26Why?
1:09:26 > 1:09:29- We were in the kebab shop and... - She kissed you in a kebab shop?
1:09:32 > 1:09:35It's because she's unhappy, Tim. That's why.
1:09:35 > 1:09:37You know...
1:09:41 > 1:09:44And I don't think you're very happy, either.
1:09:44 > 1:09:47- And I think you should admit that. - I'm fine. I told you.
1:09:47 > 1:09:49Fine's not good enough, though.
1:09:51 > 1:09:55Before I went travelling, you were more than fine. You were...
1:09:55 > 1:09:57And I come back and...
1:10:00 > 1:10:06Whatever it is that makes you happy, I'm in. But this wedding isn't it.
1:10:07 > 1:10:10It happened because Saskia isn't happy either,
1:10:10 > 1:10:13- and yet you're both going to turn up at that church...- It's too late.
1:10:13 > 1:10:15- It's not too late.- I can't talk to her at the church...
1:10:15 > 1:10:18- Go to the hotel, then.- The bells are going to start in 12 minutes.
1:10:18 > 1:10:23- She'll have left the hotel. - She's a bride. She'll be late.
1:10:25 > 1:10:28Right, OK. It's Saturday morning, we've gotta get across town.
1:10:28 > 1:10:31- Roger! Get back in the car. - Have you got the keys, keys, keys?
1:10:31 > 1:10:34- We don't need the keys.- Are you... - Yes, keys, get the keys.
1:10:34 > 1:10:36And I said,
1:10:36 > 1:10:38"I'm practically wearing a dress, anyway,
1:10:38 > 1:10:42"I can stand in for the bride, but not the groom."
1:10:42 > 1:10:43HE GUFFAWS
1:10:45 > 1:10:48Sorry, are you saying that the groom hasn't arrived, either?
1:10:50 > 1:10:52MUSIC: I Predict A Riot by Kaiser Chiefs
1:10:52 > 1:10:54- Are you sure it was here? - It must have been.
1:10:54 > 1:10:56They wouldn't have fallen out anywhere else.
1:10:56 > 1:10:59- Got them!- Oh, yes, well done!
1:10:59 > 1:11:00Go, go, go!
1:11:06 > 1:11:09Rog, get in the car! Get in the car!
1:11:09 > 1:11:10All right, all right.
1:11:13 > 1:11:15HORN HONKS
1:11:15 > 1:11:19I don't believe this. You can't park there on a Saturday, mate!
1:11:19 > 1:11:21We've gotta go. Gotta see her.
1:11:21 > 1:11:24- Congratulations. Well done! - Oh, piss off!
1:11:25 > 1:11:27- Hey!- And you.
1:11:27 > 1:11:28Come on!
1:11:32 > 1:11:33Beautiful.
1:11:37 > 1:11:38OK.
1:11:46 > 1:11:48Come on, nearly there.
1:11:49 > 1:11:51Wait till you see the dress. She looks absolutely...
1:11:51 > 1:11:54- What room is she in? - She's gone.
1:11:54 > 1:11:57She's gone. She's... She's gone!
1:12:02 > 1:12:05'We need to put the ice sculptures out now.'
1:12:05 > 1:12:07No, no, no, no. Let me tell you, Georgio.
1:12:07 > 1:12:11Currently I have an ice flamingo. In two hours it'll be a goose.
1:12:11 > 1:12:14In three hours a duck. In four hours I will be serving my guests vodka
1:12:14 > 1:12:16- in a fucking ice puffin. - 'OK, OK.'
1:12:16 > 1:12:18Thank you.
1:12:20 > 1:12:22Oh, shit.
1:12:28 > 1:12:30- Right here. - No, it's left.
1:12:30 > 1:12:33Right. They won't go on the motorway, it'll be on the Old Chester Road.
1:12:33 > 1:12:35Not clear. Repeat, not clear.
1:12:35 > 1:12:38The Ambassador's not clear for zone five.
1:12:38 > 1:12:40The dog won't go in because of the falcons.
1:12:40 > 1:12:45Oh, dogs are in. The dogs are in, the dogs have cleared the plane. Oh.
1:12:45 > 1:12:48- What plane? - Yeah, sniffer dogs. Sniffer dogs.
1:12:48 > 1:12:52We're clear of the sniffer dogs. We are ready to board.
1:12:59 > 1:13:01- Hang on, is that a Bentley? - Yeah, that is a Bentley.
1:13:01 > 1:13:04- Overtake it. Overtake it! - All right, sorry.
1:13:09 > 1:13:10HORN HONKS
1:13:18 > 1:13:20- Hi. - Hi.
1:13:20 > 1:13:22What are you doing?
1:13:23 > 1:13:26Um, do you want to marry me, Sas?
1:13:31 > 1:13:35- Tim, it's our wedding day. - Yeah, it's our wedding day.
1:13:35 > 1:13:38It's the happiest day of our lives and,
1:13:38 > 1:13:41we can absolutely say if we don't want it.
1:13:45 > 1:13:46Do you want it?
1:14:02 > 1:14:04ORGAN PLAYS SOFTLY
1:14:11 > 1:14:13MAN: I don't know. I think so.
1:14:16 > 1:14:22Oh, Jenna. Jenna, I need... Jen, um... OK, OK. Er...
1:14:22 > 1:14:28It's just I think...between you and me, we might have a bit of an emergency.
1:14:28 > 1:14:33No, don't say that word. Ever.
1:14:33 > 1:14:35Sh.
1:14:35 > 1:14:37Please be seated, madam. Thank you.
1:14:37 > 1:14:41Oxygen masks will fall.
1:14:41 > 1:14:42Ambassador.
1:14:43 > 1:14:45CHURCH BELLS RING
1:14:52 > 1:14:53Saskia.
1:14:55 > 1:14:57Are you OK?
1:14:57 > 1:14:59I just think we need to talk.
1:14:59 > 1:15:01- Are you OK?- I'm fine.
1:15:01 > 1:15:03When, I mean...
1:15:03 > 1:15:05How...
1:15:05 > 1:15:08I mean... Tim, why now?
1:15:08 > 1:15:10I told him.
1:15:17 > 1:15:19- What? - What happened in the kebab shop.
1:15:31 > 1:15:33Tim...
1:15:34 > 1:15:36You bastard.
1:15:37 > 1:15:40- You stupid, dumb, idiot, bastard. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1:15:40 > 1:15:43Oh, God. Why did you do this?
1:15:43 > 1:15:45Because it was the right thing to do.
1:15:45 > 1:15:49If you want to marry Tim, be my guest. Those are your bells, your cars,
1:15:49 > 1:15:53half a mile from here a wedding with your names written all the way through it.
1:15:55 > 1:15:56But you...
1:15:56 > 1:16:00you are the most decent, wittiest, loveliest bloke,
1:16:00 > 1:16:03a brother could ever ask for. And you are the girl who got me through school.
1:16:03 > 1:16:07If I'm really honest, life, probably.
1:16:07 > 1:16:10So, it's about time that the people in those two cars manned up,
1:16:10 > 1:16:14started being really honest with each other, and bail!
1:16:14 > 1:16:17Because, for God's sake, if you don't,
1:16:17 > 1:16:20the light in the two people that I love the most...
1:16:22 > 1:16:24..goes out.
1:16:24 > 1:16:25Um...
1:16:27 > 1:16:30Yeah, I may have just told you I love you,
1:16:30 > 1:16:33and I probably should have told you that before you were stood here,
1:16:33 > 1:16:36in the middle of a field, on the way to marry my brother but um...
1:16:36 > 1:16:41if it's any consolation, I literally only just realised that myself. So there we are.
1:16:41 > 1:16:42I love you.
1:16:51 > 1:16:54Does this mean I don't have to give a speech?
1:16:56 > 1:16:58QUARTET PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
1:17:03 > 1:17:05She's not coming, is she?
1:17:07 > 1:17:09Well, there we go.
1:17:09 > 1:17:12I rather feared sending her to finishing school,
1:17:12 > 1:17:15was like painting varnish on a diseased toenail.
1:17:15 > 1:17:17- Mum...- Welcome to my world, Alex.
1:17:17 > 1:17:21Welcome to a lifetime of publicly apologising for your daughter.
1:17:23 > 1:17:25I think I'll leave you to work out
1:17:25 > 1:17:27what you're going to say to everyone.
1:17:55 > 1:17:57QUARTET STOPS
1:18:01 > 1:18:04There's something I have to tell you and it's not going to be...
1:18:04 > 1:18:06RUSHING FOOTSTEPS
1:18:10 > 1:18:12QUARTET PLAYS
1:18:15 > 1:18:19Please remain in your seats until the captain has turned the seat belt signs off, please.
1:18:19 > 1:18:21Thank you.
1:18:27 > 1:18:29Dearly beloved,
1:18:29 > 1:18:32we are gathered here today,
1:18:32 > 1:18:35to join together in holy matrimony,
1:18:35 > 1:18:37Saskia,
1:18:37 > 1:18:38and Tim.
1:18:38 > 1:18:39Uh... We're not.
1:18:39 > 1:18:41GASPS
1:18:44 > 1:18:47Um, ladies and gentlemen...
1:18:48 > 1:18:49..hi.
1:18:51 > 1:18:57Alex. Des. You made me feel like part of a family,
1:18:57 > 1:19:01at a time in my life when I most needed one.
1:19:02 > 1:19:04Thank you.
1:19:05 > 1:19:07But...
1:19:07 > 1:19:09that's no reason to marry your daughter.
1:19:11 > 1:19:14There's only one reason why a couple should do that.
1:19:15 > 1:19:19Fortunately, there's a couple here who know why,
1:19:19 > 1:19:23and, fortunately,
1:19:23 > 1:19:25they're both very close to me.
1:19:30 > 1:19:31GASPS
1:19:35 > 1:19:37Raif.
1:19:37 > 1:19:39Pronounced like a dog throwing up.
1:19:39 > 1:19:40LAUGHTER
1:19:40 > 1:19:42Raif!
1:19:48 > 1:19:50Are we...
1:19:53 > 1:19:55Are you sure about this?
1:20:15 > 1:20:19- WHISPERS:- Well, it wouldn't be legal. You know, we haven't had the banns read.
1:20:20 > 1:20:25- We've got the audience here, so... - There's gotta be a bit of it you can do.
1:20:25 > 1:20:29Do you think maybe you could improvise?
1:20:29 > 1:20:32It would almost be like being... an actor.
1:20:43 > 1:20:44Dearly beloved...
1:20:44 > 1:20:46APPLAUSE
1:20:48 > 1:20:51..we are gathered here today,
1:20:51 > 1:20:54to join in holy matrimony,
1:20:54 > 1:20:57Saskia and Raif!
1:21:04 > 1:21:09'We got married. I know, what the hell were we thinking?
1:21:10 > 1:21:13'But, honestly, it was the greatest day.
1:21:15 > 1:21:18'Not that the rest of the day went without a hitch.
1:21:18 > 1:21:21'Saskia forgot that her bouquet was largely made of metal.'
1:21:21 > 1:21:22CLUNK
1:21:22 > 1:21:23GASPS
1:21:25 > 1:21:29'Patricia put on a fur hat and got attacked by a falcon.'
1:21:29 > 1:21:33- ..worse than it is...- I don't care whether it looks worse or not. It's extremely embarrassing.
1:21:33 > 1:21:36Fucking ridic... I'm sorry, Vicar.
1:21:36 > 1:21:40'And somebody turned on the overhead fan during the butterfly release.
1:21:42 > 1:21:46'But the best bit was the father-of-the-bride speech.'
1:21:49 > 1:21:50MAN: Go on, Des.
1:22:01 > 1:22:04It's all right. It's all right, love.
1:22:04 > 1:22:05It's all right.
1:22:08 > 1:22:12When I was my daughter's age I ran away from home,
1:22:12 > 1:22:14to the Isle of Man.
1:22:15 > 1:22:18And there I met a Frenchman who showed me a bit of tenderness,
1:22:18 > 1:22:20bit of compassion.
1:22:20 > 1:22:24Went on to show me several other things, including his,
1:22:24 > 1:22:28camp-site, his tent, his genitals.
1:22:28 > 1:22:30But to that boy,
1:22:30 > 1:22:33whoever he was,
1:22:33 > 1:22:36and I've genuinely no idea,
1:22:36 > 1:22:39and to my mother,
1:22:39 > 1:22:41I owe everything.
1:22:42 > 1:22:45Because that combination,
1:22:45 > 1:22:49of coldness and warmth,
1:22:49 > 1:22:52meant that I ended up with this.
1:22:55 > 1:22:58You know, when a bride's late for her wedding,
1:22:58 > 1:23:02most normal women assume it's an attack of nerves but,
1:23:02 > 1:23:06I genuinely thought that history had repeated itself,
1:23:06 > 1:23:10that she might have done a runner from me and found her Isle of Man,
1:23:10 > 1:23:15and gone. And I wouldn't have blamed her because,
1:23:15 > 1:23:18I made that mistake we so often make.
1:23:19 > 1:23:23I'd grown to be more like my parent,
1:23:23 > 1:23:27when I should have grown more like my child.
1:23:30 > 1:23:33I expect you've spotted that,
1:23:33 > 1:23:35Saskia didn't marry Tim.
1:23:35 > 1:23:39She didn't even legally get married. I don't actually know what happened but,
1:23:39 > 1:23:43I don't care. I don't care.
1:23:44 > 1:23:46I just want you to be happy.
1:23:48 > 1:23:51And just come shopping with me sometimes.
1:23:51 > 1:23:52APPLAUSE
1:23:54 > 1:23:57MUSIC: I Believe In A Thing Called Love, by The Darkness
1:24:13 > 1:24:17'So, there we are, then. The end of my wedding video.
1:24:17 > 1:24:20'Not what I thought I was making when I started.
1:24:20 > 1:24:23'I mean, I did have a hunch how it would end.
1:24:23 > 1:24:25'With the groom looking at the bride,
1:24:25 > 1:24:28'knowing that he is the luckiest man on earth.
1:24:29 > 1:24:30'That shot.'
1:24:36 > 1:24:40# Every day is a reminder... #
1:24:40 > 1:24:44That's it, cross-check and doors to manual.
1:24:44 > 1:24:47# Every day is a reminder
1:24:47 > 1:24:50# We ain't nothing but some
1:24:50 > 1:24:55# If you cough up your smoke cos your habit's a joke
1:24:55 > 1:24:58# Da-da-da-da don't stop now
1:24:58 > 1:25:00# If you seize the day... #
1:25:00 > 1:25:04So we sit down, we do an interview and we draw up a character profile,
1:25:04 > 1:25:07and then we match the flowers direct to your personality.
1:25:07 > 1:25:10- Anyone ever come back as a cactus? - No.
1:25:10 > 1:25:11Triffid?
1:25:11 > 1:25:15- Yes, madam? - Cauliflower?
1:25:15 > 1:25:18About eight-and-a-half inches. Yeah.
1:25:18 > 1:25:20I'm just kidding.
1:25:20 > 1:25:23# We're nothing but some matter
1:25:26 > 1:25:30# Every day... #
1:25:30 > 1:25:34I now take you as Mrs Frodo Baggins.
1:25:34 > 1:25:36Oh, bugger, wrong ring.
1:25:38 > 1:25:40Thank you.
1:25:40 > 1:25:43I need a lake. I need a lake and a pond.
1:25:46 > 1:25:49Right, ready, go!
1:25:50 > 1:25:52Ow!
1:26:02 > 1:26:05- Everything all right, gentlemen? - Er, yes, thank you, lovely.
1:26:12 > 1:26:16# Your woman is your angel
1:26:16 > 1:26:20# Your left side is your whole life
1:26:20 > 1:26:27# And easily, the most beautiful thing in your world... #
1:26:32 > 1:26:35I can't believe you wrote that just for me.
1:26:37 > 1:26:38Every word.
1:26:45 > 1:26:47Cut!