0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:31 > 0:00:33BIRDS SINGING
0:00:39 > 0:00:40VEHICLE APPROACHING
0:00:49 > 0:00:51MAN SCREAMS TYRES SCREECHING
0:00:51 > 0:00:53VEHICLE CRASHES WOMAN GASPS
0:00:53 > 0:00:55THUDDING
0:00:55 > 0:00:57POLICE BELL RINGING
0:01:11 > 0:01:13BREATH TREMBLING
0:01:29 > 0:01:30GASPING
0:01:57 > 0:01:59SHE PLAYS: Piano Concerto No 1 by Chopin
0:02:07 > 0:02:09ORCHESTRA PLAYING
0:02:47 > 0:02:48TYPEWRITER CLACKING
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- OLDER MAN'S VOICE: - "The smell is sweet, with urine only a minor component,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56"the prevalent odour suggesting the inside of someone's ear.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"Dank clothes are there, too.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02"Wet wool and onions, which she eats raw.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05"Plus, what for me has always been the essence of poverty,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"damp newspaper.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"Miss Shepherd's multi-flavoured aroma
0:03:15 > 0:03:19"is masked by a liberal application of various talcum powders,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"with Yardley's Lavender always a favourite.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"And currently it is this genteel fragrance
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"that dominates the second subject, as it were,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"in her odoriferous concerto.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35"But as she goes, the original theme returns,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39"her own primary odour now triumphantly restated
0:03:39 > 0:03:44"and left hanging in the house long after she has departed."
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Tell her.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49- FLIES BUZZING - Miss Shepherd?- Hmm?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52In future, I would prefer if you didn't use my lavatory.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54There are lavatories at the bottom of the high street. Use those.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58They smell. And I'm by nature a very clean person.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I have a testimonial for a clean room, awarded me some years ago.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05And, do you know, my aunt, herself spotless,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08said I was the cleanest of all my mother's children,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12particularly in the unseen places.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13HE SIGHS
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"The writer is double.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"There is the self who does the writing,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"and there is the self who does the living.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"And they talk. They argue.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"Writing is talking to oneself.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35"And I've been doing it all my life,
0:04:35 > 0:04:40"and long before I first saw this house, five years ago.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- 15?- Number ten fetched 17.- Oh.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Come on. I thought you had a play on in the West End.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51These houses have got so much potential,
0:04:51 > 0:04:53once you get rid of the junk.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55There you have it. Gloucester Crescent.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Good street. On the up and up.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Big motor, have you? Loads of room.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Watch out...
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Just be a few minutes. - All right, governor.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25REVS ENGINE
0:05:28 > 0:05:30ENGINE FAILS
0:05:40 > 0:05:42BELLS RING
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- You're not St John, are you? - St John who?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49St John, the disciple whom Jesus loved.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50No. The name's Bennett.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Oh, well, if you're not Saint John... I need a push for the van.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56It's conked out.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59The battery, possibly. I put some water in. Hasn't done the trick.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Well, was it distilled water?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05It was holy water, so it doesn't matter if it's distilled or not.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08'Course, the oil is another possibility.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09That's not holy, too?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Holy oil? Well, in a van, it would be far too expensive.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Now, I want pushing around the corner.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18So... BENNETT SIGHS
0:06:20 > 0:06:22BENNETT GRUNTING
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Are you wanting to go far?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Possibly. I'm in two minds.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33I'm turning left!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42BENNETT EXCLAIMS MISS SHEPHERD GASPS
0:06:46 > 0:06:47SHE GASPS
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Oh, is that it?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I need...I need the other end.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Well, that's half a mile away.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I'm in dire need of assistance.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I'm a sick woman.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Dying, possibly.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I'm just looking for a last resting place,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05somewhere to lay my head.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08HE SIGHS
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Do you know of anyone? Hmm?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Bye-bye, madam. Mind how you go.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18"A proper writer might welcome such an encounter
0:07:18 > 0:07:20"as constituting experience.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24"Me, I have to wait and mull it over."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26She saw you coming.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28She's old.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30You wouldn't get Harold Pinter pushing a van down the street.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33No, unlike me. But then I'm too busy not writing plays
0:07:33 > 0:07:36and leading my mad, vigorous creative life.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Yeah, you live it, I write it.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Welcome.- Hello.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- All moved in?- Hello. Yes.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Was the move good? - Yes, thank you.- Well done.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55It's a pretty house.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Not as big as ours, of course, but then you're unattached.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01No, it's attached to the house behind.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Oh! I mean you. You're single.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Oh.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Sickert once lived in the street, apparently.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Dickens' abandoned wife.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Now it's the usual North London medley.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Advertising, journalism, TV.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19People like you, writers, artists.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Anything in the pipeline?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Well, I have got a play on in the West End.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Of course you have, yeah.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Dare one ask?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Uh, 13 five.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Oh, my God.- Yes, I know.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36We're twice as big. So what does that make ours worth?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Mind you, our new neighbour won't help the prices.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Yes, we've met.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Last year she was in Gloucester Avenue. Now it's our turn.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45She seems to have settled at 66.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Will they mind?- I hope not.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49We like to think we're a community.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Well, it's nice to talk to you.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57So, what play has he got on?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00We saw it. That domestic thing.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Gone.- Mmm.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- That's litter, Mummy. - Those are her things.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13We thought you might like some pears.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- They're from our garden in Suffolk. - Pears repeat on me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Ah.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19RECORDERS PLAYING IN HOUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Were you planning on staying long?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Not with that din going on.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- GILES SIGHS - I know what you're thinking.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Still, it's nice to feel we're doing our bit for the homeless.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I'd like to keep it like this. Simple.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Monastic.- Quite.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- This is my bedroom.- Nice.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50So, do you like being in the play?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Love it. Love it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55So English. Just what people want.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Bed looks comfortable.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Well, maybe you could come round
0:10:01 > 0:10:03and give me a hand with the decorating.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Sure. My girlfriend's a dab hand at the painting.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Oh, hello, darling. You look a character.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Well, yes. This is Camden Town.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Oh, yes! I'm here most days.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25I teach. And the pavement is my blackboard.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Now, I also sell pencils.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Yeah, a gentleman came by the other day.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33He said the pencil he bought from me
0:10:33 > 0:10:37was the best pencil on the market at the present time.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39You're against the Common Market, I see.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Me? Who said it was me?
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Oh, you're not the writer? - Not necessarily.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49But I'll go so far as to say this.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51They're anonymous.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53And they're a shilling!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55You've only given me sixpence.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Well, it says there, "St Francis hurled money from him".
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Well, yes, but he was a saint.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04He could afford to.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Sodding beggars!
0:11:07 > 0:11:08I'm not a beggar!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12I'm self-employed, and this gentleman is my neighbour.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Oh! On the move again? You didn't stay long.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34No. Because it was nonstop music.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Lucy's doing her O-levels.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It's the noise levels I'm worried about.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Wave, darling.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Bye, darling.- Don't stay up too late. Bye, darling.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Sorry about all this. Glyndebourne.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Cosi.- Oh, lucky you. Have fun.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh, Look out. Madam's on the move.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05So, whose turn will it be now?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Slow down. - I don't want to miss the curtain.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Mrs Vaughan Williams? - No. The Birts.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13No!
0:12:14 > 0:12:1562.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18No. Who?
0:12:18 > 0:12:19No! No!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- No, darling, that's us! - Stop the cab!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Sorry! Sorry!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Sorry!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Sorry, you can't park here.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33No, I've had guidance. This is where it should go.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- Guidance? Who from?- The Virgin Mary. I spoke to her yesterday.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41She was outside the Post Office in Parkway.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42What does she know about parking?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Rufus, tell her we're going to Glyndebourne!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I need a ruler.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I must measure the distance between the tyres and the kerb.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53See, one and a half inches is the ideal gap.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I came across that in a Catholic motoring magazine,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59under "Tips on Christian Parking".
0:12:59 > 0:13:02This isn't Christian parking. It's a fucking liberty.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Rufus.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07- You try to be nice, and where does it get you?- Darling!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Well, you didn't stay long outside 66.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Not with that din.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They're not musical, are they?
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- Who?- You know, 61.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Uh, no. They go to the opera. Are you all right?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23What with all this to-do,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I think I'm about to be taken short.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Can I use your lavatory?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31No! The flush is on the blink.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I don't mind.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Where is it?!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37SHOUTING: Where is it?!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41TOILET FLUSHES
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Thank you!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06SHEEP BLEAT IN THE DISTANCE
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- ON PHONE:- I've got a meeting at the BBC.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11What about?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13It's just something I'm writing.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16I thought you were coming up.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18In a week or two.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I'm on my own.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22I know you're on your own.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24We're all on our own.
0:14:24 > 0:14:29Well, can I come down there for a bit? Is it a big house?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Not really. You wouldn't like it. It's too many stairs.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36They have these chairlift things now.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Are you still there?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Yes.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Oh!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51The foot fella came today.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52- Who?- The foot fella!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Do you mean the chiropodist?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- You've written that down.- I haven't.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Hey, I've given you some script.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm just raw material.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- No, you're not.- Hmm.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Mam.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Are you all right?- Oh!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Yeah. It's the van.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- It gets very close.- I imagine.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19You're tall.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23My husband was tall. I'm Mrs Vaughan Williams.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I won't shake hands. Gardening.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29What, the composer? Greensleeves?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Among other things.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Why? Are you musical? I don't even know your name.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37It's...it's Miss Shepherd.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40But I wouldn't want it bandied about.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I'm in an incognito position, possibly.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Safe with me.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Shepherd. Drove ambulances in the war, apparently.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Well, where did she spring from? - And a nun once.- A nun?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54In the convent up the street.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Still, everybody's got something to hide.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58My brother-in-law's a policeman.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01That's Camden! People wash up here. Like me.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Oh!- Oh!- She'd be a good subject.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05What for?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08You! One of your little plays.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Remember, I planted the seed!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14No. No.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I'm writing about Mam half the time as it is. One old lady's enough.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I live, you write. That's how it works.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Yeah, except you don't much. - Don't what?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Live. Put yourself into what you write.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28How? We're both so fucking tame.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Miss Shepherd? I'm Lois. The social worker.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39I don't want a social worker.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I'm about to listen to the repeat of Any Answers?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I brought you some clothes. You wrote asking for a coat.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Not during Any Answers? I'm a busy woman.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I only asked for one coat.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I brought three, in case you fancied a change.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Where am I supposed to put three coats?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Green is not my colour.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Have you got a stick?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04The Council have that in hand. It's been precepted for.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Will it be long enough?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Yes. It's one of our special sticks.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I don't want a special stick.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I want an ordinary stick, only longer. Shut the door.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18If I should want to get in touch with you, whom should I call?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Well, you can try Mr Bennett at 23.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Only don't take any notice of what he says. He's a communist, possibly.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Well, have you tried the people opposite? They're nearer.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Well, they said they don't relate to her.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34You were the one she related to.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Is that what they said? "Related to"?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39No, that's me.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40They said you were her pal.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- She was your girlfriend. - Oh, Jesus.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Does she use your lavatory?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Well, only in an emergency.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53That might give her squatter's rights.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57We'd be much happier if she moved on.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58"We"?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Camden.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02All right, I've got everything.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The sherbet lemons, Cup-a-Soup, the miniature whisky.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06Mmm.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08That's medicinal.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Well, she seemed very understanding, the social worker.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Mmm-hmm. Not understanding enough.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22I mean, I ask for a wheelchair, and what does she get me?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24A walking stick.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27And she says I don't get an allowance unless I get an address?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Look, "The Van, Gloucester Crescent". Isn't that an address?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33No! It needs to be a house.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36A residence.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Anyway, I might be going away soon, possibly.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, how long for?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Broadstairs, possibly.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Why Broadstairs? Have you family there?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51No. No!
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Have you got any family?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I just need the air.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00I saw a snake this morning. It was coming up Parkway.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02A long grey snake.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- It was a boa constrictor, possibly.- Uh, no.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06It looked poisonous.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09It was keeping close to the wall,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12and I have a feeling it was headed for the van.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13No, Miss Shepherd...
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I thought I'd better warn you, just to be on the safe side.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19I've had some close shaves with snakes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Listen to me, Miss Shepherd,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23there are no boa constrictors in Camden Town.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24What, are you calling me a liar?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I know a boa constrictor when I see one!
0:19:27 > 0:19:32You all right, my love? Looking especially lovely today, sweetheart.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Don't "sweetheart" me.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I'm a sick woman! Dying, possibly.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Well, chin up, love, we all gotta go sometime.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Smells like you already have.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"I do not believe in the snake,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50"still less that it was en route for the van."
0:19:50 > 0:19:51CHILDREN SHOUTING
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"Only next day, I find there has been a break-in
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"at the local pet shop.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58"So, there may have been a snake on the run."
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Good God.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01"So, of course, I feel guilty."
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Giles! Giles! Giles!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06"A real writer would have asked her
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"about her close shaves with snakes,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"only she seems to have cleared off."
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- Quick as you can, love. - I'm getting off.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You don't rush me! Don't rush me.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Nightie?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36This is not a nightdress!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41This style can't have got to Broadstairs yet.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45And I know the law. You can't be arrested for wearing a nightie.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47What're you doing in Broadstairs?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I am minding my own business!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01DOORBELL RINGING
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Alan! Come out here!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27What for?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30There's some massive birds on the wall.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32There never are. There's nothing on the wall.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34You're imagining things.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36There are.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"And there were, lined up on the garden wall,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"four peacocks from the Hall.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45"So, boa constrictors in the street, peacocks on the wall.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49"It seems that both at the northern and southern gates of my life
0:21:49 > 0:21:51"stands a deluded woman."
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Except you just said they aren't.- Aren't what?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Deluded.- Well, not in this particular instance.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58And they're not the same, Alan. Mam and Miss Shepherd.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02No, Alan, they are not. But they are both old ladies.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04That appears to be my niche, apparently.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Whereas my contemporaries lovingly chronicle
0:22:06 > 0:22:09their first tentative investigations of the opposite sex,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13or their adventures in the world of journalism,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I'm stuck with old ladies.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- HE SIGHS - All right. I'm keeping a sodding notebook.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19But only on the off chance.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21She's not a project. She's not in the pipeline.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I don't want to write about her. She's...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27She's just something that's happening.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29So, what do you want to write about?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I want to write about spies.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- Spies?- There you are, you see?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You think that's barmy. Spies, Russia.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I can't always be writing about the North.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41"I was born and brought up in Leeds, where my father was a butcher.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"And as a boy, I would often go out on the bike with the orders."
0:22:44 > 0:22:45DOOR CLOSES
0:22:45 > 0:22:48It's not Proust. It's not even JB Priestley.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"The houses in the Crescent were built as villas
0:22:56 > 0:22:58"for the Victorian middle class.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01"And their basements are now being enlarged by couples
0:23:01 > 0:23:03"who are liberal in outlook,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"but not easy with their new-found prosperity."
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- MISS SHEPHERD GRUNTS - "Guilt, in a word.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"Which means that in varying degrees,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"they tolerate Miss Shepherd,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"their consciences absolved by her presence."
0:23:18 > 0:23:19RUFUS GRUNTS
0:23:29 > 0:23:31- ALL:- Merry Christmas!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33MISS SHEPHERD MUMBLES
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Shut the door!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Shut the door. I'm a busy woman. I'm a busy woman.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50Creme brulee.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00What was your first play about?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Public school.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06Which, more accurately, is what you Americans call private school.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08But you didn't go to public school.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10No. But I read about it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16And what was your next play about?
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Sex.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I read about that, too.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Very good.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Stop it! Stop it! Just...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Get away from us! It's her!
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Do you have a problem?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- They were making the noise! - They're children!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39I am a sick woman!
0:24:39 > 0:24:40You certainly are!
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- HORN HONKING - Oi, get off the road!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Go ahead! Road hog.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Mr Bennett.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I've worked out a way of getting on the wireless.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53What?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I want to do one of those phone-in programmes.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Something someone like you could get put on in a jiffy.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03You see, I could be called
0:25:03 > 0:25:06the "Lady Behind the Curtain",
0:25:06 > 0:25:08or "A Woman of Britain", you see.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12You could take a nom de plume view of it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16And I see the curtain as being here.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20You see, some greeny material would do.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22I thought this was a phone-in.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Yeah, well?
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Well, it's the radio. There's no need for a curtain at all.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yes, we can iron out these hiccups when the time comes, you see.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35And when I come in, I can catch up with some civilisation.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"Civilisation"? What, you mean the television?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Yeah, you know, wildlife. Famines, you know.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Sheepdog trials, possibly. I mean, I do watch.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47I watch in Currys' window, but it's not ideal.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48Oh.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Je crois que vous passez les vacances en France.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Yes. Uh, oui.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57J'ai etudie en France, il y a trente-cinq ans.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Avant la guerre?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04What guerre?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06La Guerre Mondiale numero deux?
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Oui.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10La deuxieme guerre mondiale.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Qu'est-ce que vous etudie?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I was studying incognito a Paris.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20But what, what were you studying?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Music.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28The pianoforte, possibly.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Have you got an old pan scrub? I'm thinking of painting the van.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38You know, one of those little mop things they use to wash dishes with would do.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Well, how about a brush? - I've got a brush!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43It's just for the first coat.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"OK, she's been a nun.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48"Only now it turns out she's been a musician besides,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51"and seemingly with fluent French.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53"She's certainly no painter,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56"because today, rain notwithstanding,
0:26:56 > 0:26:58"she moves slowly around her mobile home,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"thoughtfully touching up the rust patches
0:27:00 > 0:27:04"with Crushed Mimosa, always a favourite shade."
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Morning.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10She's using the wrong paint. Cars have special paint.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Not this one. It's Catholic paint.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- And she smells. - That's because she's poor.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20You'd smell if we were poor. Oh. Morning, Ursula.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23- Oh. Hello, love. - Hello, darling.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Oh!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Telling me about paint.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30I was in infant school. I won a prize for painting!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- But it's all lumps. You have to mix it.- I have.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36I have mixed it. Only I got some Madeira cake in it.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"Cake or no cake,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"all Miss Shepherd's vehicles ended up looking as if they'd been given
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"a coat of badly made custard, or plastered with scrambled eggs."
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Divine!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Still, there were few occasions
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"on which one saw her genuinely happy,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53"and one of these was when she was putting paint on."
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Jackson Pollock himself could not have done it better.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Even with a pan scrub.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09What're you doing? Get off my van!
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Yellow lines.- Sorry?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Parking restrictions.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17- Oh, what a bore. - She'll be illegally parked.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19She'll have to move.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21GASPS
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Look! Look!
0:28:26 > 0:28:27It's a removal order.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I know it's a removal order.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Well, it means you'll have to drive on somewhere else.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33But I'm disabled!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I don't always use a walking stick.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37That pulls the wool over people's eyes.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40But I am a bona fide resident of Camden!
0:28:40 > 0:28:43And I had rheumatic fever as a child, and mumps.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46I still think you'll have to move on. Go somewhere else.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Well, it won't move. There's not enough juice.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- Well, I'll get you some up the road.- I don't like their petrol!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I don't know. It could be, it could go.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56It just might need a bit of coaxing.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58What I'm...
0:28:58 > 0:29:03What I'm worried about particularly are the wheels.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06They're under divine protection.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09If I do get this other vehicle, I'd like the wheels transferred.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13- What other vehicle?- They may be miraculous, the tyres.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16They've only had to be pumped up once since 1964.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18- What other vehicle? - They only cost me a fiver.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Miss Shepherd, you said about another vehicle?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Hmm? Yeah, a van.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Another van?
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Mmm.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Well, a newer model.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33A titled Catholic lady says she may get me one,
0:29:33 > 0:29:35as an act of charity.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37It's Lady Wiggin.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40HE SIGHS Only she'd prefer to remain anonymous.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44Yeah, I bet she would. So, why don't you park it outside her house?
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- It's out of the question. - There's plenty of room.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49- I have neighbours! - So have I.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53So, should I not buy her another van?
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- Please your fucking self.- What?!
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Mr Bennett, I've worked it out.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Mr Bennett.
0:30:03 > 0:30:08The ideal solution would be off-street parking.
0:30:09 > 0:30:12You know, a driveway, possibly.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16So, what are you going to do?
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Well, I...
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Play it by ear.
0:30:26 > 0:30:27Oh...
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Lady?
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Are you there?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Is this a bad moment?
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Have you got something for me?
0:30:52 > 0:30:53- CLANK - Ow!
0:30:53 > 0:30:56You bad bitch!
0:30:56 > 0:30:57You dirty, lying bitch!
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Can I help you?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05Good evening to you, sir!
0:31:05 > 0:31:07I'm finding myself in the vicinity.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11I'm taking the opportunity to pay my compliments to Margaret.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14- Margaret? - An old friend from way back.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16You mean Miss Shepherd?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Shepherd, is it? Very good.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21- Well, she'll be asleep. - Of course.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23I'll bid you a goodnight, sir.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26I'll call again when my schedule permits.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Thank you.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59SNORING
0:32:01 > 0:32:03ENGINE REVVING
0:32:03 > 0:32:04MAN SCREAMS
0:32:04 > 0:32:06CLATTERING
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Are you in there? Rise and shine!
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- Get out, you old witch! - What a smelly bitch!
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Come on, darling! Come on!
0:32:20 > 0:32:22WHOOPING
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- Excuse me. Excuse me, lads. - Who the fuck are you?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28Never mind who I am. I've got your number!
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Just clear off! I live here, and I've got your number!
0:32:30 > 0:32:33An old lady lives in there. Just sod off!
0:32:35 > 0:32:37- Miss Shepherd? - KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Miss Shepherd?
0:32:41 > 0:32:44KNOCKS ON DOOR
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Miss Shepherd, are you all right?
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Yes. Yes, yes. I think so.
0:32:49 > 0:32:54What was it about? It wasn't the police, was it?
0:32:54 > 0:32:58No. They were louts, but if you choose to live like this,
0:32:58 > 0:32:59it's what you must expect.
0:33:01 > 0:33:06I didn't choose. I was chosen.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Well, that settles it.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Do you think?
0:33:13 > 0:33:16I can't always be looking out for her. I'm not her keeper.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18I mean, what happens to work?
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- I think she should either go or...- Or what?
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Or bring the van into the drive, where we can forget about her.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Actually, that's why some men marry.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36So they don't have to think any more about their wives.
0:33:36 > 0:33:38- That's not bad. - Yes, except it's Proust.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40Oh, yes.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43And it'll only be for a few months, until she decides where she's going.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48It'll be easier, but it's not kindness.
0:33:48 > 0:33:49No.
0:33:49 > 0:33:53"Good nature, or what is often considered as such,
0:33:53 > 0:33:55"is the most selfish of all virtues.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59"It is nine times out of ten mere indolence of disposition."
0:33:59 > 0:34:01That's not you?
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Hazlitt. And it's will. Pure will.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07She's known what she's wanted all along.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13SHE CRIES SOFTLY
0:34:15 > 0:34:17ENGINE REVVING MAN SCREAMS
0:34:34 > 0:34:40The soul in question did confess, though in guarded terms
0:34:40 > 0:34:43in Rome, in Holy Year,
0:34:43 > 0:34:46though I'm not sure the priest understood English.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Do I look like a joy rider?
0:34:52 > 0:34:54My child,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58you have already been given absolution for this particular sin.
0:34:59 > 0:35:04I have given you it myself on several occasions.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08Have faith. Absolution is not like a bus pass.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11It does not run out.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24- HE EXHALES - Christ.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28There's air freshener behind the Virgin.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38I thought we'd finally got rid of her.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40He's a saint.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43- Ralph was the same.- Yes. - Some people are just kind.
0:35:43 > 0:35:47- Kind?- This is London, Ursula. Nobody's kind.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49Yeah, that's true.
0:35:49 > 0:35:54And now the old cow's got a foot in the door. He's a fool.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56- Who else would do it?- Yes.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00We might. It's just the girls.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03- Pauline.- I'm just an unemployed actor, and I don't know the lady,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05but can I ask something?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08- What makes her Alan's problem? - Quite.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12Darling, she's a human being.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Only just.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Changing the subject.
0:36:16 > 0:36:18When are we going to find Alan a girl?
0:36:18 > 0:36:19SIGHS
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Oh! Josephine's pregnant again.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Oh, no! Actually, I'm just trying to think who Josephine is.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30- The hamster.- Jesus. - Here we are.- Ah!
0:36:30 > 0:36:34We were just saying how grateful she'll be.
0:36:34 > 0:36:35- ALL:- Yes.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Put the van in your drive?
0:36:40 > 0:36:43That never occurred to me.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46I don't know. I don't know. It might not be convenient.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49No, I've thought it over. Believe me, Miss Shepherd, it's all right.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Just till you sort yourself out.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56Well, not convenient for you! Convenient for me.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59You're not doing me a favour, you know. I have got other fish to fry.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02A man on the pavement told me
0:37:02 > 0:37:06if I went south of the river, I'd be welcomed with open arms.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14"I was about to do her a good turn, but, as ever,
0:37:14 > 0:37:18"it was not without thoughts of strangulation.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22"She would come into the garden, yes,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25"but only as a favour to me."
0:37:45 > 0:37:46That's it.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09Have you put on the handbrake?
0:38:09 > 0:38:11I am about to do so.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16"Whereupon she applies the handbrake with such determination
0:38:16 > 0:38:20"that, like Excalibur, it can never afterwards be released."
0:38:20 > 0:38:21Are you all right?
0:38:22 > 0:38:24"Now she is on the premises,
0:38:24 > 0:38:28"I sometimes get a glimpse of Miss Shepherd praying,
0:38:28 > 0:38:31"and it is seldom a tranquil or a meditative process..."
0:38:31 > 0:38:34I hunger and thirst for the fulfilment...
0:38:34 > 0:38:37"..the fervour of her intercessions rocking her to and fro."
0:38:37 > 0:38:39..in possible light received.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42"What is it she's wanting forgiveness for?"
0:38:42 > 0:38:43MUTTERING
0:38:43 > 0:38:48"I used to pray myself when I was young, but never like this.
0:38:49 > 0:38:54"I'd never done anything, but what has she done?"
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Who's the old bat?
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Oh, she's, uh, a friend.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01A friend?
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Well, someone I know.
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Weird.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Yeah, maybe.
0:39:09 > 0:39:10Actually, I think I better be off.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14You don't want to stay for coffee or anything?
0:39:14 > 0:39:15No.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Bye.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Mr Bennett?
0:39:34 > 0:39:36That young man,
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- did he have an earring?- He did.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42You want to be careful.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48She'll be wanting to move in next.
0:39:48 > 0:39:52"Said my mother, who's been in London on a state visit."
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Why didn't you tell me she was in the drive?
0:39:54 > 0:39:56I forgot.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59I got a whiff of her when I first came. Whew.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02Right nasty bad dishcloth smell.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05Well, she's in the garden.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Next, it'll be the house.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09What'll folks think?
0:40:09 > 0:40:12This is London. Nobody thinks anything.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16It's with her being a nun, not having got off.
0:40:16 > 0:40:17They get thwarted.
0:40:21 > 0:40:26An educated woman, and living like that.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Mind you, you're going down the same road.
0:40:29 > 0:40:30Me?
0:40:30 > 0:40:32No cloth on the table.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35No holder for the toilet roll.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38Given time, I could have this place spotless.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39You've got a home.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45You won't want to live here.
0:40:48 > 0:40:50Where does she go to the lav?
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Well, it's something to do with plastic bags.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55What sort of plastic bags?
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Stout ones, I hope.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01- You've not met her. Do you want to? - Oh, no.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04No. With her being educated,
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- I wouldn't know what to say.- Oh.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17- Oh, give us a kiss!- Oh.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20- When will you be coming up next? - Soon.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22The thing is...
0:41:23 > 0:41:26..I keep seeing a car in the car park.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28That's slightly to be expected, isn't it?
0:41:28 > 0:41:31At night. Watching.
0:41:31 > 0:41:34You taking your tablets?
0:41:34 > 0:41:35When I remember.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42She should be in a home.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44- Where does she go to the lav? - I told you.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46Looked after.
0:41:46 > 0:41:50A place where they'd wash her and make her presentable.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52I'm surprised they let her roam the streets.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57"It's like a fairy story, a parable..."
0:41:57 > 0:41:58Good morning.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01"..in which the guilty is gulled into devising a sentence
0:42:01 > 0:42:03- "for someone innocent..." - Hello.
0:42:03 > 0:42:06"..only to find it is their own doom they have pronounced."
0:42:06 > 0:42:07King's Cross, please.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09"Because my mother is much closer to being put in a home..."
0:42:09 > 0:42:11- Got your purse?- Yes.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13"..than Miss Shepherd."
0:42:14 > 0:42:16I do miss your dad.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18Give me a kiss.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22I asked our Gordon,
0:42:22 > 0:42:26when he was a pilot, did he go behind the clouds?
0:42:26 > 0:42:28- Did he?- I can't remember.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34He's a love, though. I know that.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37- Bye, Mam.- Bye.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22Good afternoon. Does Jesus Christ dwell in this house?
0:43:22 > 0:43:24No. Try the van.
0:43:56 > 0:43:57Thanks.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59NEWS PROGRAMME PLAYING ON TV
0:44:01 > 0:44:03Clear off!
0:44:09 > 0:44:10Mr Bennett?
0:44:12 > 0:44:14These men who come late at night,
0:44:15 > 0:44:17I know what they are.
0:44:17 > 0:44:19Oh, Jesus.
0:44:19 > 0:44:22They're communists. Else why would they come at night?
0:44:24 > 0:44:27- WOMAN ON RADIO:- We constantly come back to the same point.
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Argentina was the invader.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32I like the new vehicle!
0:44:35 > 0:44:37Not a mark on it.
0:44:41 > 0:44:42Not a bloody scratch!
0:44:42 > 0:44:44THUMPING SHE GASPS
0:44:47 > 0:44:49What's your name now, Margaret?
0:44:49 > 0:44:51My name's Mary! Go away!
0:44:51 > 0:44:54Mary, is it now? Mary what?
0:44:55 > 0:44:57Mary what?
0:44:57 > 0:44:58THUMPING CONTINUES
0:44:58 > 0:45:01- I'll call the police! - Call the police?
0:45:01 > 0:45:05I don't think you will, you two-faced pisshole.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08Cos calling the police is just what you didn't do.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11Apropos of which, I think another contribution is due.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13Can I help you? What's all this din?
0:45:14 > 0:45:16No din, sir.
0:45:16 > 0:45:19Margaret and I were just taking a stroll down memory lane.
0:45:19 > 0:45:24No. Don't "Margaret" me. That name is buried to sin.
0:45:24 > 0:45:25You came before.
0:45:26 > 0:45:29Of course, this isn't THE van, is it?
0:45:29 > 0:45:31She had another one.
0:45:31 > 0:45:32Kind of you.
0:45:33 > 0:45:34A homeless woman.
0:45:36 > 0:45:38A thankless soul.
0:45:38 > 0:45:40And not over-salubrious.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42Goodbye, Margaret.
0:45:45 > 0:45:47I thought you said your name was Mary.
0:45:47 > 0:45:49- It is.- So why does he call you Margaret?
0:45:50 > 0:45:55He's taken too much to drink on an empty stomach, possibly.
0:45:55 > 0:45:57It is your name? Mary Shepherd?
0:45:58 > 0:46:02Subject to the Roman Catholic Church in her rights to amendment.
0:46:08 > 0:46:10"It's obviously not her name.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12"But although years have passed
0:46:12 > 0:46:14"since she drove her van into the garden,
0:46:14 > 0:46:17"I'm still too polite to ask who she is,
0:46:17 > 0:46:18"let alone what this fellow wants
0:46:18 > 0:46:21"who materializes at regular intervals
0:46:21 > 0:46:24"and comes braying on the side of the van.
0:46:25 > 0:46:28"Music has something to do with it.
0:46:28 > 0:46:32"But is it just the noise, or music itself?"
0:46:32 > 0:46:34ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY
0:46:43 > 0:46:46I can hear the music.
0:46:46 > 0:46:47I can hear it!
0:46:51 > 0:46:53Why must you play that?
0:46:53 > 0:46:56I can hear it!
0:46:56 > 0:46:59How can you dislike music? You used to play the piano.
0:46:59 > 0:47:00How do you know that?
0:47:00 > 0:47:02You told me.
0:47:02 > 0:47:06I didn't say I didn't like it. I don't want to hear it, that's all!
0:47:11 > 0:47:13Should she speak now?
0:47:13 > 0:47:15Should she explain?
0:47:15 > 0:47:20Well, she never lets on. Never explains.
0:47:20 > 0:47:22Well, maybe she should.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37Well, I...
0:47:38 > 0:47:43..I was once left alone in a room in the convent.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47They didn't leave novices alone normally.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51And there was a piano there.
0:47:53 > 0:47:56I tried it, and it was open.
0:48:00 > 0:48:02It needed tuning.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05Some of the notes were dead.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10But it sounded more beautiful to me
0:48:10 > 0:48:13than any of the pianos I'd ever played.
0:48:31 > 0:48:32And then...
0:48:34 > 0:48:37..suddenly, the mistress of the novices came in.
0:48:38 > 0:48:42Crept in, possibly, cos I didn't hear her. She said...
0:48:42 > 0:48:43It's God's will.
0:48:43 > 0:48:47That was what God wanted. And that I'd been told before.
0:48:47 > 0:48:49And don't argue.
0:48:49 > 0:48:51I said,
0:48:51 > 0:48:55couldn't I just play some hymns for us to sing to?
0:48:55 > 0:48:59And she said that was arguing.
0:49:00 > 0:49:03And I'd never make a nun if I argued.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14"So, with painful symmetry,
0:49:14 > 0:49:18"my mother ends up in a home in Weston-Super-Mare,
0:49:18 > 0:49:22"while her derelict counterpart resides in my garden.
0:49:23 > 0:49:28"Putting my mother in a home, I see as some sort of failure.
0:49:28 > 0:49:33"And giving the other a home, that's a failure, too."
0:49:33 > 0:49:35ENGINE SPUTTERING
0:49:39 > 0:49:41Oh, Jesus.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44She's got herself a three-wheeler.
0:49:47 > 0:49:48Where will you park it?
0:49:48 > 0:49:50In the residents' parking.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53- You haven't got a permit.- Yeah, I have. Yes, I got one yesterday.
0:49:53 > 0:49:54Well, you never told me.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56Well, you'd only have raised objections if I had.
0:49:56 > 0:49:58Have you insured it?
0:49:58 > 0:50:01I don't need insuring. It's like the van, I'm insured in heaven.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03So, who pays if you have an accident, the Pope?
0:50:03 > 0:50:06- I shan't have an accident.- Well, what if you run into something?
0:50:06 > 0:50:09I shan't run into anything. I'm an experienced driver.
0:50:09 > 0:50:10I drove ambulances in the blackout.
0:50:10 > 0:50:13Well, what if someone runs into you?
0:50:13 > 0:50:16Miss Shepherd, what if someone runs into you?
0:50:16 > 0:50:18You have no business saying that.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20Why do you say that? No-one is going to run into me!
0:50:21 > 0:50:24- Where's the key?- What key? - The car key. I put it down.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26- Well, I haven't got it.- You have. You've taken it.- I have not.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29You're lying! You don't want me to have the car, so you've taken
0:50:29 > 0:50:32- the key.- Don't shout!- I have to shout because of your ignorance.
0:50:32 > 0:50:34People coming and going all hours of the day and night.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37I'd be better off in a ditch! Give me the key!
0:50:37 > 0:50:40I haven't got your sodding key! What's that around your neck?
0:50:40 > 0:50:42This is the key. The sodding key!
0:50:42 > 0:50:43Having fun?
0:50:47 > 0:50:49Shouldn't you say sorry?
0:50:49 > 0:50:51I've no time for sorry.
0:50:51 > 0:50:52Sorry is for God.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57"This was the only time I ever touched her,
0:50:57 > 0:51:00"and not because she was calling me a liar,
0:51:00 > 0:51:02"but because she seemed mad.
0:51:02 > 0:51:04"It was my mother."
0:51:09 > 0:51:12It's always Mam you compare her with. They are not the same.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15I don't like them even sharing the same sentence.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20"These days, it's almost as if we're married.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23"'How's your old lady?' They say.
0:51:23 > 0:51:27"Which is what people call a wife. Your old lady."
0:51:27 > 0:51:29How's your old lady?
0:51:29 > 0:51:32Well, she's still there. I'm still here.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34Your mother died, didn't she?
0:51:34 > 0:51:36No, she's still here, too.
0:51:36 > 0:51:39She's in a home.
0:51:39 > 0:51:43Except she's not all there. She's not anywhere.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45Shouldn't we make that plain in the play?
0:51:45 > 0:51:47No.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49It's classified information.
0:51:49 > 0:51:52"Years ago, Mam wanted Miss Shepherd put in a home.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55"But she's still on the loose.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58"Of course, whether she's all there or not is anyone's guess."
0:51:58 > 0:51:59Mr Bennett!
0:52:00 > 0:52:04Mr Ben- you know, I don't like the three-wheeler
0:52:04 > 0:52:06standing in the street.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09You see, if you pushed the van in front of your window,
0:52:09 > 0:52:12I could get the Reliant in there on the drive.
0:52:12 > 0:52:13There's tonnes of room.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16So, I have the van and the Reliant.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19Yeah, I've had guidance that's where it should be.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22You know, in terms of vandals.
0:52:22 > 0:52:24Guidance from whom?
0:52:24 > 0:52:27I'm not at liberty to speak.
0:52:27 > 0:52:30I think I may contact my new social worker.
0:52:30 > 0:52:32What for? You always say you don't want the social worker.
0:52:32 > 0:52:35I've had guidance she might help.
0:52:35 > 0:52:37I don't want a used car lot.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39- Mary says...- Mary who?
0:52:40 > 0:52:43Mary. Your Lady In The Van.
0:52:44 > 0:52:47Didn't you know her name was Mary?
0:52:47 > 0:52:49Well, I suppose I did. I always call her Miss Shepherd.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51We all have names.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55Perhaps if you called her by her name and she called you by yours.
0:52:55 > 0:52:58Alan, Mary. You never know, it might be easier to talk things through.
0:52:58 > 0:53:00Through? There is no through.
0:53:00 > 0:53:02How do you talk things through with someone
0:53:02 > 0:53:04who has conversations with the Virgin Mary?
0:53:04 > 0:53:07You talk things through with Isaiah Berlin, maybe,
0:53:07 > 0:53:09who, in comparison with Miss Shepherd, is a man of few words.
0:53:09 > 0:53:13You do not talk things through with her because you don't get through.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16Alan, I'm getting a bit of hostility here.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19I realise for you this may be a steep learning curve.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22No. It is not a steep learning curve.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25I've never been on a so-called learning curve.
0:53:25 > 0:53:27I'm about as likely to be found on a learning curve
0:53:27 > 0:53:31as I am on the ski slopes at Zermatt.
0:53:31 > 0:53:34And besides, her name isn't Mary.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39- Oh?- Some people seem to think it's Margaret.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41You know, it isn't even Shepherd.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45Well, I have her down as Mary.
0:53:45 > 0:53:49Yes, and you presumably have her down as a rational human being.
0:54:04 > 0:54:06- FLIES BUZZING - Ugh.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Ugh.
0:54:29 > 0:54:32- Hello!- Mummy!
0:55:07 > 0:55:09CROWD APPLAUDING
0:55:16 > 0:55:18PIANO PLAYING
0:56:34 > 0:56:36Back in half an hour.
0:56:49 > 0:56:51- HE SIGHS - Hello, Margaret.
0:57:06 > 0:57:08'Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
0:57:08 > 0:57:12'Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.'
0:57:15 > 0:57:16HORN HONKING
0:57:16 > 0:57:19What are you doing there? Come on!
0:57:19 > 0:57:21What's happened to Stirling Moss?
0:57:21 > 0:57:23Haven't seen her at the wheel recently.
0:57:23 > 0:57:27Taking a well-earned break, I imagine. The Dordogne, possibly.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29- Really?- Pauline.
0:57:30 > 0:57:32Her car's back.
0:57:32 > 0:57:36But I haven't seen her around for a bit. I wonder if she's all right.
0:57:36 > 0:57:39Am I right in thinking that large and many-contoured stain
0:57:39 > 0:57:42at the back of her frock denotes incontinence?
0:57:42 > 0:57:45I don't think it's a fashion statement.
0:57:45 > 0:57:46Oh, darling.
0:57:47 > 0:57:52What you must be hoping is that one of these days she'll just slip away.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54Don't you believe it. That's what happens in plays.
0:57:54 > 0:57:57In life, going downhill is an uphill job.
0:57:59 > 0:58:00How's your mother?
0:58:00 > 0:58:04Oh, same. Sits. Smiles. Sleeps.
0:58:07 > 0:58:08Aww.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11Are you all right?
0:58:12 > 0:58:15Me? Yes, why? I'm just going to the theatre.
0:58:15 > 0:58:18- Not upset about your play?- No.
0:58:18 > 0:58:21I read a good review the other day.
0:58:21 > 0:58:23- I was told they were all good. - Oh, they are, I'm sure.
0:58:23 > 0:58:24We enjoyed it.
0:58:24 > 0:58:28Though I hadn't realised it was just going to be you and nobody else.
0:58:28 > 0:58:30Well, yes. It's a monologue.
0:58:30 > 0:58:32Yes, I suppose.
0:58:32 > 0:58:34I'm just amazed how you remember it all.
0:58:34 > 0:58:37The review I read was particularly perceptive about you.
0:58:37 > 0:58:39Really? Saying what?
0:58:39 > 0:58:41Um, that you couldn't make your mind up.
0:58:41 > 0:58:44- About what?- Anything, really.
0:58:44 > 0:58:46It meant in a good way!
0:58:46 > 0:58:48Thanks.
0:58:50 > 0:58:54Actually, I couldn't make it out at all. What was it about?
0:58:54 > 0:58:56Him, as usual. Not coming clean.
0:58:56 > 0:59:00- What about?- What do you think?- Oh.
0:59:00 > 0:59:02AUDIENCE LAUGHING
0:59:02 > 0:59:04And when I came down again,
0:59:04 > 0:59:07she's still sat there, hat and coat on.
0:59:07 > 0:59:12She said, "Graham, my one aim in life is for you to be happy."
0:59:12 > 0:59:14And execute 45.
0:59:14 > 0:59:17"If I thought that by dying it would make you happy, I would."
0:59:17 > 0:59:19- Go.- I said, "Mam",
0:59:19 > 0:59:22"your dying wouldn't make me happy. In fact, the reverse.
0:59:22 > 0:59:26"It would make me unhappy. Anyway, Mam, you're not going to die."
0:59:26 > 0:59:30She said, "No, I'm not going to die.
0:59:30 > 0:59:32"I'm going to get married.
0:59:32 > 0:59:35- AUDIENCE LAUGHING - "The honeymoon is in Tenerife.
0:59:35 > 0:59:37"Have one of your tablets."
0:59:37 > 0:59:39AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
0:59:47 > 0:59:51"So, for the umpteenth time, I biked back from the theatre,
0:59:51 > 0:59:53"where I'd been talking about my mother.
0:59:54 > 0:59:57"Well, at least I know where my mother is."
1:00:02 > 1:00:05Miss Shepherd. KNOCKS ON WINDOW
1:00:09 > 1:00:10Miss Shepherd?
1:00:15 > 1:00:18I don't like it.
1:00:18 > 1:00:20- So look in.- No!
1:00:20 > 1:00:22- Are you scared?- No!
1:00:22 > 1:00:25Not of the body. Scared this may be the end of the story,
1:00:25 > 1:00:27and now I'm going to have to write it.
1:00:29 > 1:00:30Still, now she's gone,
1:00:30 > 1:00:32I can make it up.
1:00:32 > 1:00:35Narrative freedom. Whoopee.
1:00:38 > 1:00:40Miss Shepherd.
1:00:42 > 1:00:44- Miss Shepherd?- Go on.
1:00:52 > 1:00:54What are you doing looking at my things?!
1:00:54 > 1:00:56I thought you might be ill, or dead.
1:00:56 > 1:00:59- Dead? Me? - I was concerned!
1:00:59 > 1:01:00You were nosy!
1:01:00 > 1:01:02- I hadn't seen you. I'm sorry. - I'm not dead!
1:01:02 > 1:01:05- You'll know when I'm dead. - I'm sorry.
1:01:05 > 1:01:08Dead? Me? I shan't die in a hurry, I can tell you.
1:01:08 > 1:01:10Dead?!
1:01:10 > 1:01:11DOOR CLOSES
1:01:11 > 1:01:13Don't make me laugh.
1:01:14 > 1:01:15SCOFFS
1:01:15 > 1:01:19"She didn't die then, and nor did my mother.
1:01:19 > 1:01:23"But as the years passed, both of them were beginning to fade."
1:01:23 > 1:01:26As you can appreciate, it's difficult to take a history.
1:01:26 > 1:01:28But I'm right in thinking she hasn't been a smoker?
1:01:28 > 1:01:31- No. - Not been a smoker, doesn't drink.
1:01:32 > 1:01:35All things considered, a very healthy woman.
1:01:35 > 1:01:37You think?
1:01:46 > 1:01:49This is a woman who's broken her hip.
1:01:49 > 1:01:52And of course, in someone younger and in better circumstances,
1:01:52 > 1:01:54we'd give them antibiotics.
1:01:54 > 1:01:59But at your mother's age, and in her state of mind,
1:01:59 > 1:02:02one wonders if this is altogether kind.
1:02:03 > 1:02:06And if you don't give her antibiotics, what will happen?
1:02:06 > 1:02:08She may recover.
1:02:08 > 1:02:10Or not.
1:02:10 > 1:02:12She could just slip away.
1:02:14 > 1:02:16You mustn't reproach yourself.
1:02:17 > 1:02:21You've done...more than can be expected.
1:02:28 > 1:02:30Thank you.
1:02:30 > 1:02:32Oh.
1:02:32 > 1:02:34Mr Bennett.
1:02:34 > 1:02:38- Where have you been? - Seeing my mother.- Oh. How is she?
1:02:39 > 1:02:41The same. She doesn't remember me now.
1:02:41 > 1:02:44Well, I'm not surprised. She doesn't see you very often.
1:02:44 > 1:02:46Will you write about me?
1:02:48 > 1:02:49I don't know.
1:02:49 > 1:02:51She never said this.
1:02:51 > 1:02:52So?
1:02:52 > 1:02:54MISS SHEPHERD CHUCKLES Oh, I've heard you.
1:02:54 > 1:02:56On the wireless.
1:02:56 > 1:02:57Does she know that?
1:02:57 > 1:03:00Well, how can she? She doesn't know who she is.
1:03:00 > 1:03:04Yeah, that's what you think. Using your mother.
1:03:04 > 1:03:07You should be ashamed of yourself.
1:03:07 > 1:03:09She didn't SAY this.
1:03:09 > 1:03:12No. But why shouldn't she?
1:03:12 > 1:03:16You write about her all the time, one way or another.
1:03:16 > 1:03:18You use your mother.
1:03:18 > 1:03:20That's what writers do.
1:03:20 > 1:03:23Me next, I suppose.
1:03:23 > 1:03:28Anyway, now you're here, I need some shopping done.
1:03:28 > 1:03:31You ought to go yourself. You should try and walk more.
1:03:31 > 1:03:32- I do walk.- I never see you.
1:03:32 > 1:03:35Well, that's cos you're not around in the middle of the night.
1:03:35 > 1:03:37I want some batteries.
1:03:37 > 1:03:38And some sherbet lemons.
1:03:38 > 1:03:41- Mr Bennett? - Yes?
1:03:42 > 1:03:46Would you like to push me up the street?
1:03:47 > 1:03:49Not particularly, no.
1:04:06 > 1:04:09This'll do. Turn me round. Turn me round!
1:04:09 > 1:04:11All right.
1:04:11 > 1:04:12MISS SHEPHERD CHUCKLES
1:04:13 > 1:04:15Whee!
1:04:15 > 1:04:17LAUGHS
1:04:21 > 1:04:23Careful!
1:04:23 > 1:04:25MISS SHEPHERD COUGHS
1:04:34 > 1:04:35MISS SHEPHERD COUGHS
1:04:37 > 1:04:39CONTINUES COUGHING
1:04:39 > 1:04:41Are you all right?
1:04:41 > 1:04:45Yes, I...think so.
1:04:45 > 1:04:47- Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee?- No.
1:04:47 > 1:04:50No, I don't want you to go to all that trouble.
1:04:50 > 1:04:52I'll just have half a cup.
1:04:57 > 1:05:00Oh!
1:05:00 > 1:05:01I have to go to Mass.
1:05:01 > 1:05:05- Well, you're not fit.- Here. It's an anniversary
1:05:05 > 1:05:06and a day of obligation.
1:05:06 > 1:05:08Oh? Who for? A saint?
1:05:08 > 1:05:11No. A young man.
1:05:11 > 1:05:12Oh? Someone you loved?
1:05:12 > 1:05:14No! Certainly not. Just someone I...
1:05:16 > 1:05:18Someone who died.
1:05:18 > 1:05:21He'd be in his 50s now.
1:05:21 > 1:05:24- Was he a Catholic? - Possibly, possibly.
1:05:24 > 1:05:26Only he's in purgatory. He needs my prayers.
1:05:26 > 1:05:30- What was his name? - Oh, I never bother with names.
1:05:32 > 1:05:34The body of Christ.
1:05:40 > 1:05:41The body of Christ.
1:05:44 > 1:05:45Yes?
1:05:45 > 1:05:47I live down the street.
1:05:47 > 1:05:49I've seen you.
1:05:53 > 1:05:54It's you that has the van.
1:05:54 > 1:05:56Yes.
1:05:56 > 1:05:58Difficult woman.
1:05:58 > 1:05:59A Catholic.
1:06:00 > 1:06:02One of the sisters remembers her.
1:06:04 > 1:06:06I've been told she was very argumentative.
1:06:06 > 1:06:08Is that why she was made to leave?
1:06:08 > 1:06:11Disputatious, she was.
1:06:11 > 1:06:13I've had her pointed out to me on that account,
1:06:13 > 1:06:16hankering after the piano. She always thought she was right.
1:06:16 > 1:06:18She wasn't right. God is right. End of story.
1:06:18 > 1:06:21Anyway, what do you want to know for?
1:06:21 > 1:06:23- She's ill.- Who?
1:06:23 > 1:06:24The woman?
1:06:24 > 1:06:26I wondered if there was a nun available who could talk to her,
1:06:26 > 1:06:30- do her some shopping. - We don't have shopping nuns.
1:06:30 > 1:06:32It's a strict order.
1:06:32 > 1:06:33I've seen them shopping.
1:06:33 > 1:06:36I saw one yesterday in Marks & Spencer. She was buying meringues.
1:06:37 > 1:06:39The Bishop may have been coming.
1:06:39 > 1:06:41What, does he like meringues?
1:06:41 > 1:06:43Who are you, coming round,
1:06:43 > 1:06:45asking if the Bishop likes meringues?
1:06:45 > 1:06:47Are you a communist?
1:06:47 > 1:06:51She's ill, she's a Catholic, and I think she might be dying.
1:06:51 > 1:06:53Well, they can pray for her, only you'll have to fill in a form.
1:06:53 > 1:06:56She'll probably pull her socks up once your back is turned.
1:06:56 > 1:06:59That's been my experience where invalids are concerned.
1:07:01 > 1:07:02This way out!
1:07:03 > 1:07:05I don't want you bumping into the sisters.
1:07:13 > 1:07:14Oh!
1:07:27 > 1:07:29Another parcel on the path.
1:07:29 > 1:07:33If... WHEN I write about all this,
1:07:33 > 1:07:36people will say there's too much about shit.
1:07:37 > 1:07:41"But there was a lot about shit. Shit was in the forefront.
1:07:41 > 1:07:44"Caring, which is not a word I like,
1:07:44 > 1:07:46"caring is about shit."
1:07:48 > 1:07:51INDISTINCT CONVERSATION
1:08:03 > 1:08:05- MISS BRISCOE:- I've talked to Mary. - BENNETT:- Or Margaret.
1:08:05 > 1:08:08Or Margaret. Miss Shepherd, anyway.
1:08:08 > 1:08:10She tells me you don't encourage her
1:08:10 > 1:08:12to get out and lead a more purposeful life,
1:08:12 > 1:08:13and put obstacles in her way.
1:08:13 > 1:08:16I don't encourage her to think she can become prime minister.
1:08:16 > 1:08:18I do encourage her to try and get to the supermarket.
1:08:18 > 1:08:23- Yes. A carer will often feel that... - Excuse me, may I stop you?
1:08:23 > 1:08:26Do not call me the carer. I am not the carer.
1:08:26 > 1:08:29I hate caring. I hate the thought. I hate the word.
1:08:29 > 1:08:31I do not care, and I do not care for.
1:08:31 > 1:08:34I am here, she is there. There is no caring.
1:08:34 > 1:08:39Alan, I'm sensing hostility again.
1:08:40 > 1:08:44You see, I'm wondering, whether having cared for Mary,
1:08:44 > 1:08:47as it were, single-handed for all these years,
1:08:47 > 1:08:50you don't understandably resent it when the professionals lend a hand.
1:08:50 > 1:08:52No, though I resent it when the professionals
1:08:52 > 1:08:56turn up every three months or so and try to tell me what this woman,
1:08:56 > 1:08:58whom I have coped with on a daily basis for the past 15 years,
1:08:58 > 1:09:00is like.
1:09:00 > 1:09:02What is she like?
1:09:02 > 1:09:04Mary, as you call her,
1:09:04 > 1:09:07is a bigoted, blinkered, cantankerous, devious,
1:09:07 > 1:09:12unforgiving, self-serving, rank, rude, car-mad cow.
1:09:12 > 1:09:14Which is to say nothing of her flying faeces
1:09:14 > 1:09:17and her ability to extrude from her withered buttocks
1:09:17 > 1:09:20turds of such force that they land a yard from the back of the van
1:09:20 > 1:09:22and their presumed point of exit.
1:09:23 > 1:09:26Though, of course, you didn't say any of that.
1:09:30 > 1:09:33People will think it's because you're too nice.
1:09:33 > 1:09:35It's actually because you're too timid.
1:09:35 > 1:09:38Yes. Though this being England, timid is good, too.
1:09:40 > 1:09:43Well, this has been very helpful.
1:09:43 > 1:09:45I'll see about getting her a doctor.
1:09:47 > 1:09:49Is it a man doctor?
1:09:49 > 1:09:51Yes.
1:09:51 > 1:09:53I...
1:09:53 > 1:09:59- I don't want a man doctor. Don't they have a woman?- Sorry.
1:09:59 > 1:10:02Miss Shepherd, I only want to take your pulse.
1:10:02 > 1:10:06- Which hand? Do you have a preference?- No.
1:10:09 > 1:10:10Ah.
1:10:11 > 1:10:13It's normally cleaner than that.
1:10:16 > 1:10:19Miss Shepherd, I'd like to take you into hospital for a day or so,
1:10:19 > 1:10:21just to run some tests.
1:10:21 > 1:10:23No, I've always had great faith in onions.
1:10:23 > 1:10:25Yes.
1:10:25 > 1:10:29But onions can only take you so far, medically speaking.
1:10:33 > 1:10:35She won't go to hospital.
1:10:35 > 1:10:38- MISS BRISCOE:- 'How do you know?' - Ask her.
1:10:38 > 1:10:41'Would she go to the day centre? She could be looked at there.
1:10:41 > 1:10:43'And she could stay for a few days.'
1:10:43 > 1:10:45She won't go to the day centre.
1:10:45 > 1:10:47'Are you sure?'
1:10:47 > 1:10:49Have you asked her?
1:10:49 > 1:10:52She will not go to the day centre. I know.
1:10:52 > 1:10:54MISS SHEPHERD: Of course I'll go.
1:10:55 > 1:10:57They won't make me stay in?
1:10:57 > 1:11:00No, they're going to give you a bath and put you in some clean clothes
1:11:00 > 1:11:03- and do some tests. - Will they leave me to it?
1:11:03 > 1:11:05- Where?- In the bath.
1:11:05 > 1:11:09I know how to bath myself. I've won awards for that.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11Yes, I remember.
1:11:11 > 1:11:12- Mr Bennett.- Yes?
1:11:12 > 1:11:16It won't look as if I'm being taken away, will it?
1:11:16 > 1:11:17Taken away where?
1:11:17 > 1:11:22Where they take people because...they're not right.
1:11:22 > 1:11:23Do they do that still?
1:11:23 > 1:11:25Well, sometimes, but you need a lot of signatures.
1:11:25 > 1:11:28But they pretend things to get you there, sometimes.
1:11:28 > 1:11:32That's the danger with next of kin. It's one of their tricks.
1:11:34 > 1:11:36They might be pretending it's a day centre.
1:11:36 > 1:11:38- No!- Well, I...
1:11:38 > 1:11:40I've been had like that once before.
1:11:40 > 1:11:41Alan.
1:11:45 > 1:11:47Miss Shepherd.
1:11:47 > 1:11:50Now, I'm a bit behindhand with things,
1:11:50 > 1:11:51so there may be a bit of a...
1:11:51 > 1:11:54- Put your arm around my neck. - Oh!
1:11:55 > 1:11:57There we go.
1:11:57 > 1:12:00I've not gone in for this kind of thing much.
1:12:00 > 1:12:03"I note how, with none of my own distaste,
1:12:03 > 1:12:07"the ambulance driver does not hesitate to touch Miss Shepherd
1:12:07 > 1:12:10"and even puts his arm around her as he lowers her into the chair."
1:12:12 > 1:12:13There we are.
1:12:13 > 1:12:16"I note, too, his careful rearrangement
1:12:16 > 1:12:18"of her greasy clothing -
1:12:18 > 1:12:20"pulling the skirt down over her knees
1:12:20 > 1:12:23"in the interest of modesty."
1:12:26 > 1:12:28I'm coming back, you know.
1:12:28 > 1:12:30This isn't a toe-in-the-water job.
1:12:30 > 1:12:33Is there anything you'd like us to take and have us wash?
1:12:33 > 1:12:37Well, why? Most of my things are clean.
1:12:37 > 1:12:39Not ill, your friend?
1:12:39 > 1:12:41- No.- Not going?
1:12:41 > 1:12:44- Only to the day centre, apparently.- Oh.
1:12:44 > 1:12:46The children always ask after her.
1:12:46 > 1:12:50They used to be so frightened of her when they were young.
1:12:50 > 1:12:53One's in Washington now. The World Bank.
1:12:53 > 1:12:57How long has it been? Ten years?
1:12:57 > 1:12:59- More like 15. - A lifetime.
1:12:59 > 1:13:01Mr Bennett. Mr Bennett.
1:13:04 > 1:13:08That social worker wanted to know my next of kin.
1:13:08 > 1:13:11I don't want my next of kin broadcast,
1:13:11 > 1:13:12so I said I didn't have any.
1:13:12 > 1:13:14Only, they're in this envelope.
1:13:15 > 1:13:17And you keep it under your hat.
1:13:17 > 1:13:22Do you know, I was an ambulance driver myself once.
1:13:22 > 1:13:24During the war.
1:13:24 > 1:13:27I knew Kensington in the blackout.
1:13:27 > 1:13:29- Oh, really?- Mmm.
1:13:33 > 1:13:35"The chair goes up on a lift.
1:13:35 > 1:13:37"And in this small ascension,
1:13:37 > 1:13:41"when she slowly rises above the level of the garden wall,
1:13:41 > 1:13:44"there is a vagabond nobility about her.
1:13:44 > 1:13:48"A derelict Nobel Prize winner, she looks,
1:13:48 > 1:13:52"her grimy face set in a kind of resigned satisfaction."
1:13:52 > 1:13:56Could we do that again? I'd like another go.
1:13:56 > 1:13:58When you come back.
1:13:58 > 1:13:59Ooh.
1:14:24 > 1:14:26Here we go.
1:14:36 > 1:14:38You smell lovely.
1:14:38 > 1:14:41- You OK?- Yes.- Good.
1:14:46 > 1:14:49There. Your MOT.
1:14:58 > 1:15:00There you go.
1:15:03 > 1:15:06Hello, Margaret.
1:15:26 > 1:15:3114 years? You must be a saint.
1:15:31 > 1:15:33She's a difficult woman, my sister.
1:15:33 > 1:15:35Edith won't have her in the house.
1:15:35 > 1:15:38I used to help her out when I could.
1:15:38 > 1:15:40It's what Mother would have wanted.
1:15:40 > 1:15:43I'm not a saint - just lazy.
1:15:43 > 1:15:45- I know she was an ambulance driver. - Yes.
1:15:45 > 1:15:47And she was a nun. Twice over.
1:15:47 > 1:15:50- Till they got rid of her. - HE CHUCKLES
1:15:50 > 1:15:52Tipped her over the edge.
1:15:54 > 1:15:56She spent some time in an asylum.
1:15:57 > 1:15:59Banstead.
1:16:01 > 1:16:02Which was my fault.
1:16:02 > 1:16:04No.
1:16:04 > 1:16:05Mind you, she's a difficult woman.
1:16:05 > 1:16:07Such a bully.
1:16:07 > 1:16:10Did she bully you? She bullies me.
1:16:10 > 1:16:12Well, I had her put away.
1:16:12 > 1:16:14Incarcerated.
1:16:15 > 1:16:18"Sectioned" is what you'd call it today.
1:16:18 > 1:16:20- Mind you, she got away from them, too.- Oh!
1:16:20 > 1:16:24- Gave them the slip, ended up in the van.- Oh...
1:16:24 > 1:16:26Does she still play?
1:16:26 > 1:16:27Piano?
1:16:27 > 1:16:30No.
1:16:30 > 1:16:31Oh.
1:16:32 > 1:16:33That is sad.
1:16:35 > 1:16:37Have you heard of Cortot?
1:16:37 > 1:16:40Alfred Cortot, the virtuoso pianist?
1:16:42 > 1:16:43Yes.
1:16:43 > 1:16:46Margaret was his pupil.
1:16:46 > 1:16:50Yeah, she had to go over to Paris for lessons.
1:16:50 > 1:16:52It wasn't easy in those days.
1:16:52 > 1:16:56And practice. Oh, my word, she used to practise all day long.
1:16:56 > 1:16:59Well, the nuns put a stop to that.
1:16:59 > 1:17:02Test of obedience.
1:17:03 > 1:17:08I was a vet in Africa, and when I came back, the music was out.
1:17:08 > 1:17:09Finished.
1:17:12 > 1:17:15Practising had become praying.
1:17:17 > 1:17:19Hmm.
1:17:25 > 1:17:26PIANO PLAYING
1:17:26 > 1:17:28Played at the Proms once.
1:18:45 > 1:18:47BREATH TREMBLES
1:19:29 > 1:19:32SHE PLAYS HALTINGLY
1:19:40 > 1:19:43SHE PLAYS INCREASINGLY SMOOTHLY: Piano Concerto No 1 by Chopin
1:19:56 > 1:19:58SHE RESTARTS THE PIECE
1:20:03 > 1:20:05SHE STOPS
1:20:17 > 1:20:20SHE PLAYS FLUIDLY
1:21:45 > 1:21:48SHE CONTINUES PLAYING
1:21:50 > 1:21:52Miss Shepherd?
1:21:57 > 1:21:59KNOCKING ON WINDOW
1:21:59 > 1:22:01Miss Shepherd?
1:22:01 > 1:22:03VAN DOOR OPENS
1:22:08 > 1:22:10I just tried to visit you.
1:22:14 > 1:22:16I wasn't stopping there.
1:22:16 > 1:22:21A woman said my face rang a bell. Was I ever in Banstead?
1:22:21 > 1:22:23And she would not stop.
1:22:23 > 1:22:26They gave me some mince and she said,
1:22:26 > 1:22:27"You'll find the mince here
1:22:27 > 1:22:29"a step up from the mince in Banstead."
1:22:29 > 1:22:31I don't know about the...
1:22:31 > 1:22:35The mince in Banstead, or anywhere else, for that matter.
1:22:35 > 1:22:38That's where they put people when they're not right.
1:22:38 > 1:22:40Well, you look nice and clean.
1:22:40 > 1:22:43Yeah, well, that'll be the bath.
1:22:43 > 1:22:45They let me do it myself.
1:22:45 > 1:22:49The nurse came and gave me some finishing touches.
1:22:49 > 1:22:51She said I'd come up a treat.
1:22:54 > 1:22:56I bought you these.
1:22:56 > 1:22:58Flowers?
1:22:58 > 1:23:01What do I want with flowers?
1:23:01 > 1:23:03They... They only die.
1:23:03 > 1:23:07I've got enough on my plate without flowers.
1:23:08 > 1:23:10Well, you won't often have been given flowers.
1:23:12 > 1:23:14Who says?
1:23:17 > 1:23:21I've had bigger flowers than these.
1:23:21 > 1:23:24And with ribbons on.
1:23:24 > 1:23:26These don't compare.
1:23:30 > 1:23:31Music.
1:23:35 > 1:23:37How...?
1:23:37 > 1:23:40How are people supposed to avoid it?
1:23:42 > 1:23:46You see, I had it at my fingertips.
1:23:47 > 1:23:50I had it in my bones.
1:23:53 > 1:23:55I could play in the dark.
1:23:57 > 1:23:58Had to, sometimes.
1:24:00 > 1:24:01And the keys were...
1:24:03 > 1:24:05..like rooms.
1:24:06 > 1:24:11C major and D minor.
1:24:11 > 1:24:15Dark rooms and light rooms.
1:24:17 > 1:24:22It's like a mansion to me, music.
1:24:25 > 1:24:27Only it worried me
1:24:27 > 1:24:32that playing came easier than praying.
1:24:32 > 1:24:34And I...
1:24:34 > 1:24:37I said this, which may have been an error.
1:24:40 > 1:24:41Said it to whom?
1:24:45 > 1:24:46My confessor.
1:24:48 > 1:24:50He said...
1:24:50 > 1:24:54that was another vent the devil could creep through.
1:24:56 > 1:24:59So he outlawed the piano.
1:24:59 > 1:25:01Put paid to music generally.
1:25:02 > 1:25:05Said...dividends would accrue
1:25:05 > 1:25:10in terms of growth of the spirit.
1:25:12 > 1:25:14Which they did...
1:25:16 > 1:25:17They did.
1:25:27 > 1:25:29How's your mother?
1:25:30 > 1:25:32Oh. The same.
1:25:32 > 1:25:34Still in the coma?
1:25:34 > 1:25:36No.
1:25:37 > 1:25:39She's just getting a bit of shut-eye.
1:25:39 > 1:25:40People do.
1:25:43 > 1:25:46- Well, goodnight. - Mr Bennett?
1:25:50 > 1:25:52Would you hold my hand?
1:25:54 > 1:25:55It's clean.
1:26:26 > 1:26:30"So much of what this woman's life had been,
1:26:30 > 1:26:33"I found out only after her death.
1:26:33 > 1:26:36"So, to tell her story, I have occasionally had to invent,
1:26:36 > 1:26:39"though much of it one could not make up.
1:26:39 > 1:26:42"And I do not make it up when
1:26:42 > 1:26:45"I say that it was on the morning after this talk,
1:26:45 > 1:26:47"when she lay in the van with her hair washed,
1:26:47 > 1:26:49"that on that same morning
1:26:49 > 1:26:51- "comes the social worker into the garden..."- Mary!
1:26:51 > 1:26:54"..bearing clean clothes, linen and ointment
1:26:54 > 1:26:57- "and knocks on the door of the van." - Mary?
1:27:31 > 1:27:33"It is a van no longer.
1:27:33 > 1:27:35"It is a sepulchre."
1:27:38 > 1:27:39Can I use your phone?
1:27:39 > 1:27:41Yes. Yes, of course.
1:27:51 > 1:27:55"Even now, I do not venture into this evil-smelling tomb.
1:27:55 > 1:27:59"But I feel cheated that the discovery of the body
1:27:59 > 1:28:01"has not actually been mine
1:28:01 > 1:28:04"and that having observed so much for so long,
1:28:04 > 1:28:07"I am not the first to witness her death.
1:28:08 > 1:28:10"Now, in quick succession,
1:28:10 > 1:28:14"come the doctor, the priest, and men from the undertaker's,
1:28:14 > 1:28:19"all of whom do what no-one else has done for 20 years.
1:28:19 > 1:28:25"Namely, without pause and seemingly without distaste,
1:28:25 > 1:28:27"step inside the van."
1:28:29 > 1:28:33Lord grant her everlasting rest
1:28:33 > 1:28:37and let perpetual light shine upon her.
1:28:37 > 1:28:40Present her to God the Most High.
1:28:47 > 1:28:49She's gone, then, the lady.
1:28:51 > 1:28:54He'll know. She'll have told him.
1:28:55 > 1:28:57Only they got to keep mum, vicars.
1:28:57 > 1:29:00No helping the police with their enquiries.
1:29:02 > 1:29:03Did you know she was on the run?
1:29:03 > 1:29:05Miss Shepherd?!
1:29:05 > 1:29:07Miss Whatever-you-call-her, yeah.
1:29:07 > 1:29:10Stationary at a junction,
1:29:10 > 1:29:13a young lad on a motorbike comes round a corner too fast...
1:29:13 > 1:29:14CRASH
1:29:14 > 1:29:16..and smashes into her vehicle.
1:29:16 > 1:29:18Not her fault.
1:29:18 > 1:29:22Only here's a dead boy on the road who she thinks she's killed.
1:29:23 > 1:29:26Does she call the police? Flag down a fellow motorist?
1:29:26 > 1:29:28Oh, no. She clears off pronto,
1:29:28 > 1:29:32thereby putting herself on the wrong side of the law.
1:29:32 > 1:29:34So you blackmailed her.
1:29:34 > 1:29:36I'm a policeman, Mr Bennett.
1:29:37 > 1:29:40Retired, of course. We don't do things like that.
1:29:50 > 1:29:52Well, it's a cut above her previous vehicle.
1:29:54 > 1:29:57"All those years, stood on my doorstep,
1:29:57 > 1:29:59"she was outside the law.
1:30:01 > 1:30:04'A life - this is what I keep thinking -
1:30:04 > 1:30:08"a life beside which mine is just dull.
1:30:17 > 1:30:20"Left to my own thoughts at the graveside,
1:30:20 > 1:30:23"one of the undertaker's men takes the eye.
1:30:23 > 1:30:27"Not an occupation one drifts into, I imagine, undertaking."
1:30:27 > 1:30:30Mr Bennett. Excuse me.
1:30:30 > 1:30:33I'm supposed to be the centrepiece here.
1:30:33 > 1:30:36"But I'm forgetting that the dead know everything."
1:30:36 > 1:30:39You should be fighting back the tears,
1:30:39 > 1:30:41not eyeing up the talent.
1:30:43 > 1:30:45Well, it's a thought. She's dead now.
1:30:45 > 1:30:46I can do what I want with her.
1:30:46 > 1:30:49Yes, you can. I'm dead. Feel free!
1:30:49 > 1:30:51Oh, hello.
1:30:51 > 1:30:55There are two of you now. Is that because you're in two minds?
1:30:55 > 1:30:56- Yes.- No!
1:30:56 > 1:30:58Where are you going, Miss Shepherd?
1:30:58 > 1:31:01I was wondering, would either of you object
1:31:01 > 1:31:03if the van became a place of pilgrimage?
1:31:03 > 1:31:06- No.- I'm getting rid of the van. The van is going.
1:31:06 > 1:31:10Healing could take place, and any proceeds could go towards the nuns.
1:31:10 > 1:31:11The nuns? What did the nuns ever do for you?
1:31:11 > 1:31:14Well, not much, but when the donations start rolling in
1:31:14 > 1:31:17they'll realise what a catch I would have been.
1:31:17 > 1:31:19It was the same with St Bernadette.
1:31:19 > 1:31:22They didn't realise with her until it was too late.
1:31:24 > 1:31:25This way!
1:31:25 > 1:31:27There's someone I want you to meet.
1:31:28 > 1:31:30That's something you could do.
1:31:30 > 1:31:35This thing you're trying to write, well, you could pump it up a bit.
1:31:35 > 1:31:38If it were on the lines of The Song of Bernadette,
1:31:38 > 1:31:40it would make you a packet.
1:31:40 > 1:31:43I mean, why? Why do you just let me die?
1:31:43 > 1:31:46I'd like to go up into heaven.
1:31:46 > 1:31:49An ascension, possibly.
1:31:49 > 1:31:51A transfiguration.
1:31:51 > 1:31:55- That's not really my kind of thing. - Oh, there you are.
1:31:55 > 1:31:58- This is my new friend. - Hello.- Hello.
1:31:58 > 1:32:00It's the young man who crashed into the van.
1:32:00 > 1:32:01Hi.
1:32:01 > 1:32:03I thought it was me that killed him.
1:32:03 > 1:32:05Turns out it was his own fault!
1:32:05 > 1:32:09So, one way and another, we've got heaps to talk about.
1:32:09 > 1:32:11BELL TOLLS Goodbye.
1:32:12 > 1:32:15- Mr Bennett?- Yes?
1:32:15 > 1:32:18I came into your drive for three months...
1:32:18 > 1:32:19SHE CHUCKLES
1:32:19 > 1:32:23..and I stayed for 15 years!
1:32:23 > 1:32:26- Mr Bennett? BOTH:- Yes?
1:32:26 > 1:32:29- Do you know what that is? BOTH:- No.
1:32:29 > 1:32:32It's the last laugh!
1:32:32 > 1:32:34SHE CACKLES
1:32:38 > 1:32:41Well, she wanted an ascension.
1:32:43 > 1:32:45Let's answer her prayers.
1:32:47 > 1:32:50Stand by, Miss Mary Teresa Shepherd,
1:32:50 > 1:32:53late of 23 Gloucester Crescent.
1:32:56 > 1:32:58Up you go!
1:33:12 > 1:33:15"Starting out as someone incidental to my life,
1:33:15 > 1:33:18"she remained on the edge of it so long,
1:33:18 > 1:33:22"she became not incidental to it at all.
1:33:22 > 1:33:26"As home-bound sons and daughters looking after their parents
1:33:26 > 1:33:30"think of it as just marking time before their lives start,
1:33:30 > 1:33:36"so, like them, I learned there is no such thing as marking time,
1:33:36 > 1:33:39"and that time marks you.
1:33:39 > 1:33:44"In accommodating her and accommodating to her,
1:33:44 > 1:33:48"I find 20 years of my life has gone.
1:33:50 > 1:33:53"This broken-down old woman, her delusions,
1:33:53 > 1:33:56"and the slow abridgment of her life,
1:33:56 > 1:33:59"with all its vehicular permutations,
1:33:59 > 1:34:03"these have been given to me to record
1:34:03 > 1:34:08"as others record journeys across Afghanistan, or Patagonia,
1:34:08 > 1:34:10"or the thighs of a dozen women."
1:34:11 > 1:34:13You wanted me to make things happen.
1:34:14 > 1:34:17And I never have much, but...
1:34:17 > 1:34:19it doesn't matter.
1:34:19 > 1:34:21Because what I've learned,
1:34:21 > 1:34:24and maybe she taught me,
1:34:24 > 1:34:27is that you don't put yourself into what you write.
1:34:28 > 1:34:30You find yourself there.
1:34:30 > 1:34:32I never wanted to write about her.
1:34:32 > 1:34:35If there'd been a bit more in your life, I wouldn't have had to.
1:34:35 > 1:34:37DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
1:34:37 > 1:34:39Maybe I will now.
1:34:39 > 1:34:41What?
1:34:42 > 1:34:43Have a bit more in my life.
1:34:43 > 1:34:45I might even start living.
1:34:45 > 1:34:47Good day?
1:34:47 > 1:34:48Not bad. You?
1:34:49 > 1:34:51Oh, these came.
1:34:52 > 1:34:54Hmm. Very good.
1:34:54 > 1:34:56- Coming down?- All right.
1:34:58 > 1:34:59That's the end of the story.
1:35:00 > 1:35:02It might make a play.
1:35:02 > 1:35:04What do you think?
1:35:04 > 1:35:08Now I'm here, I think you should stop talking to yourself.
1:35:23 > 1:35:24Hi.
1:35:24 > 1:35:26Hi, Alan.
1:35:26 > 1:35:29- DIRECTOR:- OK, nice and quiet, please. Here we go.
1:35:29 > 1:35:30And let's turn over.
1:35:30 > 1:35:33- B.- Mark it.
1:35:33 > 1:35:34OK, take 14.
1:35:36 > 1:35:39- DIRECTOR:- And action!
1:35:39 > 1:35:43Gloucester Crescent has had many notable residents,
1:35:43 > 1:35:48but none odder or more remarkable than Miss Mary Shepherd,
1:35:48 > 1:35:51to whom we dedicate this blue plaque today.
1:35:56 > 1:35:58APPLAUSE
1:36:10 > 1:36:13SHE PLAYS PIANO
1:36:20 > 1:36:22ORCHESTRA ACCOMPANY HER