0:00:26 > 0:00:33This film contains strong language from the start
0:00:45 > 0:00:47PROJECTOR WHIRRS
0:00:47 > 0:00:51"Welcome to Sheffield - the beating heart of Britain's industrial North.
0:00:51 > 0:00:56"The jewel in Yorkshire's crown is home to over 500,000 people,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00"and thousands more flock here daily to shop and to work.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05"All this is built on Sheffield's primary industry - steel.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08"The city's rolling mills, forges
0:01:08 > 0:01:13"and workshops employ some 90,000 men and state-of-the-art machinery
0:01:13 > 0:01:16"to make the world's finest steel -
0:01:16 > 0:01:21"from high-tensile girders to cutlery that ends up on your dining table.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25"But it's not all hard work for the people of Steel City."
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"They can spend the day lounging by the pool,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"watching one of our top soccer teams,
0:01:30 > 0:01:32"or browsing in the shops.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39"But when the sun goes down, the fun really starts...
0:01:39 > 0:01:43"in the city's numerous nightclubs and discotheques.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46"Yes, Yorkshire folk know how to have a good time!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"And it's good times for the city's housing, too.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51"Sheffield leads the way in town planning.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"Victorian slums have been cleared
0:01:53 > 0:01:55"to make way for the homes of the future.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00"Thanks to steel,
0:02:00 > 0:02:04"Sheffield really is a city on the move!"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23CLANKING METAL
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Who's going to buy a rusty girder? Come on.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Dad, it's stealing.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31No, it's liberating, love. Liberating.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Gaz, hang on.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Ten years we worked in here, and now look.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- What if we get caught?- You don't get a record till you're 16.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Just don't tell your mum.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Hey, listen.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Music.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Yeah.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51MUSIC: Slaidburn by William Rimmer
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Bloody hell!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What are they doing?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02It's the works' band. It's still going.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06It's about the only thing round here that is.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Ey-up! The security guard's back.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11CLATTERING
0:03:18 > 0:03:22It won't take a minute, he says. It won't take a minute. Now what?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Shut up. I'm thinking.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Can't we do normal things sometimes?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30What's up with you? This is normal.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Aye. Everyday stuff, this. I think this bugger's sinking.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40Pick it up and try and slide it across t'other side. That's it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43No, no! Fucking hell, Nath.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47They're 20 quid each, them. That were your bloody maintenance.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Oh, shit! - Ah, nice one.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52< Nath.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Nathan... Fucking hell!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Come here. Come here. Come here.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59(Jesus!) Stay still.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Stay still! Stay still!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03All right.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07What's your initiative got to say about this then, bog eyes?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Ey-up,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13there's someone coming.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- All right? - Aye, not so bad.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Not so bad?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Not so bad?! That's not much of a chuffing SOS, is it?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25All right! Don't get a benny on.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Shit!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37My jeans are bloody soaking.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39You should've taken your kit off. What's up? Are you shy?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Don't. Just shut it, all right?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43HE LAUGHS
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Ey-up, Dave. All right, babe?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Dad!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50What do you reckon, Dave? Eight? Maybe even a nine.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- You can never tell till you see their tits.- Dad!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- What's all this, then? - It's them Chippendale efforts.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- You what?- Them dancers. Mum were going on about it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04You're joking! She must be getting desperate.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Are you all waiting for me? - Yeah... to go home.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You know where to find me when you're tired of looking at them poofs.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Come on, Gaz. I'm freezing.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Women only!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Cheeky buggers. It's a bloody working men's club.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20< I mean, look at the state of that.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I don't know why you've got to smile about.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23I mean, he's got no willy for starters, has he?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26There's nowt in a gym will help you there, mate.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28No decent woman would be seen dead in there.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Jean would.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Oh, Dave. What's going on?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It's her money, isn't it?
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Fucking hell! Are you going to just stand there while some poof's waving his tackle at your missus!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Where's your pride, man? She's already got you hoovering.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I let it go. But this, no. Get her out and tell her what for.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48He can't. It's women only.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Just hurry up. My feet have gone numb.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55That's gratitude.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58We're riding into "alley of death" for you, you fat git.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02It's not my fault I can't fit through, is it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Right. I'll be waiting here, keeping guard.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Find Auntie Jean and tell her Uncle Dave wants a word.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Do I have to?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Good kid. On you go.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13CHEERING
0:06:14 > 0:06:17MUSIC: I'm The Leader Of The Gang by Gary Glitter
0:06:19 > 0:06:22# Come on, come on, come on, come on
0:06:22 > 0:06:24# Come on, come on, come on
0:06:24 > 0:06:27# Let's go! Come on, come on
0:06:27 > 0:06:31# Come on, come on, come on, come on
0:06:32 > 0:06:35# Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on... #
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I'm not waiting in that bloody queue.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I always wanted a nosy in the men's. Oh, muscles!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51It's not their bodies. It's what they do with them that counts. >
0:06:51 > 0:06:54I don't know what you're worrying about
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- with you-know-who on your tail. - # Frankie! #
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Eh, eh! Frank don't fancy me,
0:07:00 > 0:07:02and I don't fancy Frank, right?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04So bloody well give over.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Eh, do you think he might, though?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13No, I couldn't do that to Dave.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Not even if I wanted to.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21But it's like he's given up.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Work. Me. Everything.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Ah, love. - Here, love. This'll cheer you up.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I weren't in t'Girl Guides for nowt.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Gaz. Gaz. That were our Jean, weren't it?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02No. Just a couple of tarts. I'm going back in for Nath.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
0:08:07 > 0:08:09You're in big trouble.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11What about Auntie Jean?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14CHEERING
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Auntie Jean's busy.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18SCREAMING
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I don't feel well.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Of course you don't. You've got an hangover.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Take a day off. Hang about at home.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Your house is messy. Cold, and all.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Come down Jobclub. That'd be a right laugh.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Mum's house is always warm.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I can't always have the red carpet out for you, can I?
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Anyway, it's not your mum's house. It's whatshisname... Barry's.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Tell you what, next weekend, I'll have a tidy round. I promise.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Even go and see a footie game. - Yeah?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Sunday league going down the park. It's got some right good players.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56United are playing Man U.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Nath. You know I can't stretch to that.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04You always make me do stupid stuff like last night. Other dads don't.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Don't they?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Aye.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Bye.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Here, Nath!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15We could sneak in to Man U. There's a gap in t'fence.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17No!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20OK. I'll get tickets. I will.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Ooh, ah, Cantona, has to wear a girlie bra!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Stuff 'em, Nath.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Fuck.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I want your application letters done when I get back.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Right? Any problems, I'm outside.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I tell you, when women start pissing like us,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54that's it.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59We're finished, Dave. Extincto.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Yeah, but I mean...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03How? You know... How?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Genetic mutations, in't it? They're turning into us.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08A few years and men won't exist. >
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Except in a zoo or summat. We're not needed no more.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Obsolete.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Dinosaurs. Yesterday's news.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Like skateboards.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Button it! Some of us are trying to get a job. It says 'No Smoking'!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And it says Jobclub!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32When was the last time you saw one of them walk in?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Gerald, you're not our foreman any more.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37You're just like the rest of us.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Scrap.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Shut it, right?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Hang on. Why were them women
0:10:45 > 0:10:48in t'working men's club in the first place?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Now, then, cos of us - men.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53You call them Chippendales men?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Degrading - that's what it were.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56How many lasses were there?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Thousands, baying for blood.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Ten quid to watch some fucking poof get his kit off. Ten quid!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Right. Times ten quid by 1,000, and you've got...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Yeah, a lot... A very lot.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Ten thousand quid.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16How much?!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Ten thousand quid.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Eh, now, Dave. I mean, it's worth a thought, though, in't it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:32I can see Little and Large prancing round with their widgers out.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34That would be worth ten quid.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Widgers on parade. Bring a microscope.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I don't see why the chuff not.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44You're fat. He's thin, and you're both fucking ugly.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Bastard!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49SHOUTING
0:11:59 > 0:12:01What's this about sole custody?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05If you want joint custody, you have to pay your share.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- < 700 quid. - I'm on t'dole. Hadn't you noticed?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Get a job. I'll give you a job.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14£2.50 an hour in t'black hole of Calcutta? No, thank you.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19If you want to play games, you can, but Nathan's having two parents.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22And your bloody lover's going to do that?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Here he is. Evening, Barry.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26That'll be for the court to decide.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29It won't. Nathan's yours and mine. He's fuck all to do with him.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31As if you've ever given a toss.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Face it, Gary. He don't even like staying at yours.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Of course he bloody does.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Ask him! Ask him!
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Nath, we have a laugh, don't we, kid? >
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Gary! Don't.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Is he in? Is he in?!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Nath! >
0:12:48 > 0:12:53Well, he can't hear you through your triple bloody glazing.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55He can hear, all right.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57This is... This is all wrong, this is.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59It's all to fucking cock.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I'm his dad, and you, you're nobody.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Goodnight, Gary.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Goodnight, Nath.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21See you, kid.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31No, not doing it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33< I'm not stripping.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35They're taking him away.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37£700 and they've got nowt on me.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Gaz, no.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Dave, he's my kid.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- I suppose there's nicking cars. - No.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Well, then.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Look, I'll help. I'm running, aren't I?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50But I'm taking nowt off. Final.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Come on, Dave. Don't stop now.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Keep up, you fat bastard.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Gazza, you tosser.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03IGNITION SPUTTERS
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Do you need a hand? >
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Yeah, it's your HT leads, I reckon.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Give it a go of that.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21ENGINE STARTS
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Didn't you used to work at Harrison's?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Ah, I thought I clocked you.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I were on t'floor with Gaz.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Him up the road.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38How's it going, then?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Have you got any work?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44No, there's not a lot about, is there?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Yeah, get new ones when you get the chance.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Oh, no. My chuffing pleasure.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Dave?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Are you all right, kid? >
0:15:14 > 0:15:16You bastard.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38You could shoot yourself.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41< Where's he going to find a gun?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45You want to find yourself a big bridge, you do.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Yeah, like one of them bungy jumps, without the bungy bit.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51I can't stand heights, me.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Drowning. There's a way to go.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I can't swim.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10You don't have to fucking swim, you divvy. That's the whole point.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You're not very keen, are you?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Sorry.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I know. You could stand in the middle of the road,
0:16:18 > 0:16:22and get a mate to drive smack into you, right fast.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I haven't got any mates.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30We just saved your fucking life. Don't tell us we're not your mates.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Yeah?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Yeah, me and all. >
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I'd run you down soon as look at you.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Oh, cheers... Ta.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Thanks a lot.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00WHEEZING
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- What are you doing, Mum? - Where have you been?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Driving.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Driving where?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Just driving.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I thought you'd gone.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18< Security guard in here - no wonder he wants to die.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22At least one bloke got a job out of this place being shut down.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26What did you tell him for, anyroad? The kid's a nutter.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28He's a bugle player.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31He'll come in handy. We might need a bit of music.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34He's got a car, somewhere to practice.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Besides, good whatshisname for the lad -
0:17:38 > 0:17:39therapy.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Oh, aye. Jiggling about in the buff - therapy.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46He won't be the only one trying to top himself
0:17:46 > 0:17:48if you carry on with this caper.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Dad, I'm hungry. - CAR HORN BEEPS
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Ey-up.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Eh, Lomper.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01< Where's my rice?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04"Try the cylinder head, tubby."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I don't like Chinese.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Of course you do... Don't you?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Let's see his records.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15What have we got then, Dave?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17The Floral Dance.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Marching With Hepworth? - Jesus Christ.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Ah! Hot Chocolate. Now we're talking.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26# I believe in miracles
0:18:26 > 0:18:28# Till you came along
0:18:28 > 0:18:30BOTH: # You sexy thang!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Stick it on, Dave.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Dad. Dad, don't.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52It's all right, Nathan. It's right, is this. I've seen them do it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:57"Good evening, shoppers. Tonight's special offer... OK."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"You Sexy Thing."
0:18:59 > 0:19:01One, two. A one, two, three, four.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03MUSIC: You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate
0:19:14 > 0:19:16CLINKING
0:19:18 > 0:19:20# I believe in miracles
0:19:22 > 0:19:23# Where are you from
0:19:23 > 0:19:25# You sexy thing?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27# Sexy thing, you
0:19:27 > 0:19:29# I believe in miracles
0:19:31 > 0:19:33# Since you came along
0:19:33 > 0:19:35# You sexy thing
0:19:44 > 0:19:46# Where did you come from? #
0:19:46 > 0:19:48NEEDLE SCRAPES ACROSS RECORD
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- We need an audience. - "You need a doctor."
0:19:57 > 0:19:59There's summat up with that kid.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Are you sure you checked the whole top end?- Yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09There's no point. He went out.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11What?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I seen him go.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15There's the beggar.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Oh, Nath! Nathan!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Nathan.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Hell fire!
0:20:26 > 0:20:27What are you doing out here, kid?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Nowt. Walking home.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32It's miles home. You know that.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Why did you run off like that?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39You're embarrassed, aren't you?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You think your own dad's a dickhead.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47We're not doing this for a laugh, you know.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I'm trying to get some brass together,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53so as you and me can keep seeing each other.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56They're trying to stop us, you see.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Oh, well, I may as well not bother, except I'm your dad.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05That counts for something, don't it?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12I like you.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I love you, you bugger.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19All right, kid?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- All right? - Yeah.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Nutter!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:42 > 0:21:44< Well, you said dancing.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48It were a great idea, kid. Just not the right sort of dancing.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52< Gaz, eh, look here.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54< Oh, my God!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57< Gerald, you'll be famous down t'Jobclub.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59< He's not bad for a bastard, is he?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01< He's dead, that's what he is.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09You wanted a dance teacher.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Gerald?! He'd tell every bugger. We'd be laughed out of Sheffield.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Ey-up, lads, bandits at six o'clock.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Ah, come in, Torvill. Park your sequins over here.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- You've had your little laugh. You can piss off.- It's a free country.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31You were good. Very nifty footwork.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Gerald!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Oh, hello. We're missing the rumba.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Sorry, I was having a chat with some pals from work.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Oh. You're not thinking of joining our class?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Funny you should mention it.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I think we'd better be getting back.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Well, goodnight.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52You get back to your rumba. We'll see you later, Gerald.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54At work.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16He's got gnomes.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Aye, he bloody would have. >
0:23:20 > 0:23:22# Ba, ba, ba, ba... #
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Things looking up?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Do you know? I think they just might be.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29You've been working too hard.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33It's time you let one of your colleagues do the lion's share.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I wish you'd be firmer, Gerald.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Oh, well. I mustn't be late.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So it's all right if I...?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Oh, Linda love, you know -
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Don't be so mean. Things are looking up. You said so.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45You'll love skiing.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Linda...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55It doesn't matter. Bye.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Hey, Gaz.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Off to the office, are we?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15As a matter of fact, yes, I bloody am. Put that back!
0:24:15 > 0:24:20See that? Interview. In the bag. Mate - I know him from Harrison's.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I can do the job standing on my head.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- I won't have to look at you again. - Come on. We just need a bit of help.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to help the likes of you.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32We just want to know about dancing.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Dancers have co-ordination, skill, timing,
0:24:35 > 0:24:37fitness and grace.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Take a long hard look in the mirror.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Now, I'm busy.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Don't be late for t'Jobclub, lads.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Bastard!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Starting at £16,000, plus the pension. >
0:24:54 > 0:24:56It'll be a relief to get back to work.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It's not been an easy six months, granted.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I'm up-to-date with the latest industry developments,
0:25:02 > 0:25:03and I've kept myself...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10..busy, you know?
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Well, all the qualifications are there, obviously,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17and we go back further than I care to remember.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Sorry?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28What we're asking is...
0:25:28 > 0:25:32after such a long lay-off, do you think you're up to it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40You!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Fucking hell!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Calm down, mate.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Cut it out, Gerry, mate.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- You didn't get it, then? - Get out the way!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Look, leave it.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Bastard! That were mine, that job!
0:25:54 > 0:25:58You don't give a toss, you kids! It's different for me.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I've got a standard of living,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02responsibilities. I were on my way up.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I am on my way up!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08I had my first interview in months.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13I could have got my first month in advance. She'd never have known.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Now what?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17< She's still got credit cards.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22She's let loose on t'high street with a fucking Barclaycard,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24spending!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Why can't you just tell her?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29How can I tell her after six months?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34A woman who wants to go skiing for our holidays?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37HE SOBS
0:26:37 > 0:26:39< Skiing, for fuck's sake!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Why did you do it?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45It was my job!
0:26:45 > 0:26:49It had to be my...job.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Can't you just leave me alone?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I stuck it with Superglue.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46You can't hardly see the join, though.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Go on.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Got this in t'jumble, like,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59to say sorry.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03The wheels go round and everything.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09It's for your gnomes, really, not you, but...
0:28:09 > 0:28:11I er...
0:28:11 > 0:28:13I don't know...
0:28:16 > 0:28:18It's marvellous, this.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28We were thinking, you could maybe put it next to t'wishing well.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Make a bit of a...
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Feature.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Yeah. What do you reck?
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Ta, lads, eh.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Ta very much.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Cigarette me, for fuck's sake.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55< Think any of them could dance?
0:28:55 > 0:28:59You're not still on about this Chippendales malarkey, are you?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01A Yorkshire version.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04- If them buggers can, we bloody can. - You can't dance.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06We know, Gerald.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Why do you think we're trailing you?
0:29:08 > 0:29:12It's not my kind of dancing. It's all arse-wiggling, and that.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14I've got a degree in arse-wiggling.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18You learn us dancing, and I'll learn you t'rest.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21For once, I'm dead serious. I need your help.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25What if someone spots me? What if Linda finds out? I've got standing.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27You've an overdraft, and all, mate.
0:29:27 > 0:29:32MUSIC: Je T'aime... Moi Non Plus by Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin
0:29:37 > 0:29:39# Je t'aime
0:29:39 > 0:29:41# Je t'aime
0:29:41 > 0:29:43# Oh, oui, je t'aime!
0:29:43 > 0:29:45# Moi non plus
0:29:48 > 0:29:50# Oh, mon amour
0:29:52 > 0:29:57# Comme la vague irresolue
0:29:59 > 0:30:03# Je vais, je vais et je viens
0:30:07 > 0:30:09# Entre tes reins
0:30:12 > 0:30:15# Je vais et je viens
0:30:15 > 0:30:17# Entre tes reins
0:30:17 > 0:30:19# Et je me re... #
0:30:19 > 0:30:22MUSIC OFF
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27< I thought I'd give it a go.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30I got a bit desperate, like. You know how it is.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33I can't even take my kit off properly, can I?
0:30:33 > 0:30:36You're all right, Reg. I'll get you a cup of tea.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38No, thanks. I've got the kids outside.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Well, bring them in.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42No.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44This is no place for kids.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55This is crazy.
0:30:58 > 0:31:01So... It's Mr Horrs.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Horse.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Yeah, well, just a minute, Mr Horse.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09My colleagues in the panel.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Ask him why he's called the "horse".
0:31:11 > 0:31:16You bloody ask him. It's not cos he does t'Grand National, is it?
0:31:16 > 0:31:18But why have a big wanger
0:31:18 > 0:31:21when you need a Zimmer frame to tout it in?
0:31:21 > 0:31:23He must be 50, if he's a day. >
0:31:23 > 0:31:26So, Horse, what can you do?
0:31:26 > 0:31:28I dunno really.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31< Um, let's see. There's the er...
0:31:32 > 0:31:34There's the bump.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36The stomp.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40The bus stop. My break-dancing days are probably over.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42- There's always the funky chicken. - Now you're talking.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44All of them?
0:31:44 > 0:31:49Yeah. I think so. It's been a while, mind. I've got this dodgy hip.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53Yeah, well... Stick it on, Nath.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55Do your worst, pal. >
0:31:55 > 0:31:57# One, two, three!
0:31:57 > 0:31:59# One, two, three!
0:32:05 > 0:32:08# All right
0:32:08 > 0:32:11# Got to know how to pony
0:32:11 > 0:32:14# Like Bony Maronie
0:32:14 > 0:32:16# Mash potato
0:32:16 > 0:32:18# Do the alligator
0:32:21 > 0:32:28# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na...
0:32:28 > 0:32:30# Waaaargh! #
0:32:35 > 0:32:40My top film's Singing In T'Rain - that walking up t'wall thing.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43(He knows me. He plastered our bathroom. Get rid of him.)
0:32:43 > 0:32:46- (Shut up. It'll be fine.) - (He'll blow my cover.)
0:32:46 > 0:32:48(Shut up.) What walking up t'wall thing?
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I'll show you.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52I'm Donald O'Connor, right.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57That's the wall.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05< Ooof!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Ah, well, er...
0:33:10 > 0:33:13It's better than that in t'film, like.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18So, you don't sing?
0:33:18 > 0:33:19No.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21You don't dance?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23No.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27I hope you don't think I'm being nosy, but what do you do?
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Well, er...
0:33:30 > 0:33:32There is this.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Gentlemen,
0:33:43 > 0:33:45the lunch box has landed.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52Chuffing Norah!
0:33:52 > 0:33:57All right, Gerald? I didn't see you over there. I did his bathroom.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Hello, Guy.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02Nath!
0:34:02 > 0:34:05Nathan! >
0:34:09 > 0:34:11- I say, Jean. - Yeah?
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Ever been out with a black bloke?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15< You know I haven't, Dave.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17But...
0:34:17 > 0:34:22If you were on t'lookout for a new fella... If you were, just saying,
0:34:22 > 0:34:24would you think about it?
0:34:24 > 0:34:26What's got into you?
0:34:27 > 0:34:30No, would you, though?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32I might do, yeah.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Is that all right?
0:34:34 > 0:34:36So it's true, then.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38I've bloody had enough. What's true?
0:34:38 > 0:34:43What they say about black blokes. They've got great bodies.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Some of them, yeah.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49And...?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Nothing.
0:34:52 > 0:34:57I don't care if they're black, white, or bloody rainbow-coloured.
0:34:57 > 0:34:59I'm married to you. Remember?
0:35:00 > 0:35:03Yeah.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Goodnight.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Why would I want anyone else, eh?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Big man?
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Jeanie.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26I'm all in.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31It's amazing how tiring it is doing nowt, you know.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02They're just messing, Dave. >
0:36:02 > 0:36:06- Do you reckon? - Or course. It's just Jean, in't it.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Have you got any of them mint chocolate jobs?
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Get lost. You're on a diet.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14Don't you start, and all.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16How much have you got, then?
0:36:19 > 0:36:2122... 27 pence.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24£4.99. Special offer. We're still a fucking fiver short.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Well, you know what this means, Dave.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31- Ah, no. Come on, Gaz. Why me? - You've got an innocent face.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34I've got serial killer written on my forehead.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37If you're not dancing, do something useful.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39What if Jean finds out? She's over there.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41She's miles away. See you later.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Good luck.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46- Give us a pear drop, you. - They're not paid for.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09SECURITY ALARM
0:37:12 > 0:37:14ALARM STOPS
0:37:23 > 0:37:25SECURITY ALARM
0:37:27 > 0:37:30MUSIC: Flashdance (What A Feeling) by Irene Cara
0:37:30 > 0:37:33# First, when there's nothing
0:37:35 > 0:37:38# But a slow glowing dream... #
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Hey, what's this?
0:37:40 > 0:37:44I didn't go on the nick for a women's DIY video.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47- It's Flashdance. She's a welder, in't she?- A welder?
0:37:47 > 0:37:52I hope she dances better than she welds. Her mix is all to cock.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54What the fuck do you know about welding?
0:37:54 > 0:37:56More than some chuffing woman.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00Aah! It's like bonfire night. Them joints won't hold fuck all.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03For Christ's sake, we're looking for t'dancing.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05He's got the hump about Asda.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Hey... Cop a load of that.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10# What a feeling... #
0:38:11 > 0:38:14- GERALD:- Yeah. She's nifty on her pins.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17# You just come alive You can dance right... #
0:38:17 > 0:38:20That, gentlemen, is what we are looking for.
0:38:20 > 0:38:25I can just see him doing that twizzling-about bollocks.
0:38:25 > 0:38:29It's souped-up tango. I can teach any bugger in a week, even you.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31Even a fat bastard like me?
0:38:31 > 0:38:34I know what I am, so don't take the piss, you.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36All right.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38Two weeks.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40< Straight up?
0:38:44 > 0:38:45# Being is believing
0:38:45 > 0:38:47# Being is believing... #
0:38:47 > 0:38:49I don't know, Gaz.
0:38:49 > 0:38:54Jean reckons I should take that security guard job down at Asda.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Jesus! Security?
0:38:56 > 0:38:58You're worth more than that, Dave.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00She don't think so.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03I reckon summat's going on with that bloke.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05The juggling bugger? No, no way.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09It's not as if I'd blame her.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11You could show her, Dave.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15Nobody tells them Chippendales to be security. Raking it in.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20Two weeks. That's what the man said, and he's not taking the piss.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21It's a thought.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23It's more than a thought!
0:39:23 > 0:39:27Think of Jean's face when she sees you dancing like old Flashdance.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Two weeks?
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Just like flashy tits?
0:39:31 > 0:39:33That's what your man said.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Eh... I can weld better than her, and all.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40# Looking for some hot love... #
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Stop. No, no, no!
0:39:42 > 0:39:43What?
0:39:43 > 0:39:45You, stay still,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49- and you go forward, OK?- OK.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51All right, Nathan.
0:39:51 > 0:39:52MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
0:39:52 > 0:39:56One, two, three... No!
0:39:56 > 0:39:58No, Jesus!
0:39:58 > 0:40:03Christ! All I want to do is get you in a straight bloody line.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05What do I have to do?
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- It's the Arsenal offside trap. - You what?
0:40:08 > 0:40:12The Arsenal offside trap - Lomper here is Tony Adams, right?
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Any bugger looks like scoring,
0:40:15 > 0:40:19we step forward in a line, and wave our arms around like a fairy.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21Well, that's easy.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23OK.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Nathan.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28# Gotta have some hot stuff
0:40:28 > 0:40:30# Gotta have some love tonight! #
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Yes!
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Perfect.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- Perfect. - Well, you should have said.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45Come on. Get in quick and wipe your boots.
0:40:48 > 0:40:52- Hey, put that back! You'll break it. - I'm just looking.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54It's a bit posh, in't it?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Right, then. Are we right?
0:40:56 > 0:40:57Right for what? >
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Taking our kit off?
0:41:00 > 0:41:03I thought you were turning me into a dancer?
0:41:03 > 0:41:07- We are strippers, aren't we? - What, here? Now? >
0:41:07 > 0:41:09In this house?
0:41:10 > 0:41:12This is a good area, this is.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Gaz, I dunno.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16If we can't get our kit off here,
0:41:16 > 0:41:20what chance have we got in front of them lasses? Tops off.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Come on.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32No looking, and no laughing, you bastards.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42I used to have a proper job, me.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46I ask you, what are we doing?
0:41:46 > 0:41:48What are we doing? >
0:41:56 > 0:41:58And the keks.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18- Horse by name, horse by nature. - Shut it, you.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21- How come you're so brown? - No reason.
0:42:21 > 0:42:24Someone's got a sun bed, in't they, Gerald?
0:42:24 > 0:42:27It's Linda's. No, you can't. Don't think of asking.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30- What am I going to do about this? - Well, it's not too bad. >
0:42:30 > 0:42:33From the front, like.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36Fat, David, is a feminist issue.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38What's that supposed to mean?
0:42:38 > 0:42:41I don't bloody know, but it is.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43I tried dieting.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46I do try.
0:42:46 > 0:42:50I seem to have spent most of my fucking life on a diet.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52The less I eat the fatter I get.
0:42:52 > 0:42:53Stuff yourself, and get thin.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Shut up, saggy tits.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57They're not.
0:42:58 > 0:43:02Linda's mate had plastic put on her at this health club,
0:43:02 > 0:43:05and she lost stones. It were like magic. >
0:43:05 > 0:43:09What's it called, now? Anyway, it's like clingfilm.
0:43:09 > 0:43:11I've heard of that.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14I'm not a chicken drumstick, Gerald.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Oh, you wrap it round.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Reduce the fat.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20DOORBELL RINGS
0:43:25 > 0:43:27You can't just take stuff.
0:43:27 > 0:43:30- Sorry, mate. - I only owe him 120 quid.
0:43:30 > 0:43:32That's all these'll get second hand.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34They're not second hand.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36They are now, mate.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Put down and piss off.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41'Kin hell!
0:43:45 > 0:43:48I think there's been a mistake. We'll just check with the office.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Cheers, lads.
0:43:51 > 0:43:55It's not bad, this stripping lark, is it?
0:43:55 > 0:43:57MUSIC: The Stripper by David Rose
0:44:04 > 0:44:06Dave and Lomps, up the wing.
0:44:06 > 0:44:09One, two, three, four.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Left touchline, three, four.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14Right touchline, three, four.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16Offside trap, one, two,
0:44:16 > 0:44:18three, four!
0:44:18 > 0:44:20Now, the belt, three, four.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Now, the shoes, three, four. Now, the socks...
0:44:23 > 0:44:25Hang on, hang on.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29MUSIC STOPS
0:44:29 > 0:44:31That were crap.
0:44:31 > 0:44:35I bet even Madonna has difficulty getting her socks off.
0:44:35 > 0:44:36You could have had my eye out.
0:44:36 > 0:44:40What are you doing, you bugger? They're borrowed.
0:44:40 > 0:44:44I'm using them for the show. It's what them Chippendales do.
0:44:44 > 0:44:49They put Velcro down the side, and then, scragh! All is revealed.
0:44:49 > 0:44:51- I'll sew them back up. - Where did you learn to be a sewer?
0:44:51 > 0:44:53Prison.
0:44:56 > 0:44:58Cheers, Nath.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Come on, Al, it's me.
0:45:03 > 0:45:07Which is precisely why it's £100 up front - half price.
0:45:07 > 0:45:11If I give you t'club for nowt and you don't turn up,
0:45:11 > 0:45:13I've got an empty club on a Friday night.
0:45:13 > 0:45:16We'll turn up. I haven't got £100.
0:45:18 > 0:45:21If you tell me what you're up to it might help.
0:45:22 > 0:45:25I can't. It's top secret.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27Sorry.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42- All right, love. - Hi, Mum.
0:45:42 > 0:45:44What do you want?
0:45:44 > 0:45:48All right, Mand. I'm going to get you all your money.
0:45:48 > 0:45:50Our money.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52< Nathan's. For definite, this time.
0:45:52 > 0:45:54Yeah, right. Is that all?
0:45:54 > 0:45:56Yeah.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59Well, no. The thing is, Mand,
0:45:59 > 0:46:02you have to speculate to accumulate.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04I'm not sure I'm hearing this.
0:46:04 > 0:46:07- I'll get you the lot. I just need a bit.- You want some money?!
0:46:07 > 0:46:08Yeah.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11Right, I need someone in t'packing section.
0:46:11 > 0:46:15£2.50 an hour. You can start now if you like. Coming?
0:46:16 > 0:46:18Come on, Dad.
0:46:22 > 0:46:26Nathan, Nathan. You can't do this, kid. It's your savings.
0:46:26 > 0:46:29I can. I need your signature. It says in t'book.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31I want to take my money out.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34You bloody well can't have it. You're OK. It's sorted.
0:46:34 > 0:46:35It's my money.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38I want it - £100, please.
0:46:38 > 0:46:41When you're 18, you can walk in and get it yourself.
0:46:41 > 0:46:44- You said you'd get it back. - I know!
0:46:44 > 0:46:47You don't want to listen to what I say.
0:46:47 > 0:46:50You said so. I believe you.
0:46:50 > 0:46:52You do?
0:46:52 > 0:46:54Yeah.
0:46:56 > 0:46:58Blimey, Nath.
0:47:00 > 0:47:05MUSIC: Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel
0:47:05 > 0:47:07# You've done it all
0:47:08 > 0:47:10# You've broken every code
0:47:12 > 0:47:15# And pulled the Rebel to the floor
0:47:15 > 0:47:17# Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...
0:47:17 > 0:47:19# Ba, ba, ba, ba...
0:47:19 > 0:47:24# You've spoilt the game No matter what you say... #
0:47:24 > 0:47:26And one for luck.
0:47:26 > 0:47:31# What a bore!
0:47:31 > 0:47:35# Blue eyes, blue eyes
0:47:35 > 0:47:40# How come you tell so many lies?
0:47:41 > 0:47:43# Come up and see me
0:47:43 > 0:47:46# Make me smile
0:47:48 > 0:47:50# Or do what you want
0:47:50 > 0:47:54# Running wild... #
0:47:54 > 0:47:56WHISTLE
0:48:02 > 0:48:03WHISTLE
0:48:03 > 0:48:05What?
0:48:18 > 0:48:20Yes!
0:48:22 > 0:48:24BICYCLE BELL
0:48:24 > 0:48:27# Oooh, la, la, la
0:48:27 > 0:48:30# Oooh, la, la, la... #
0:48:33 > 0:48:35< It's not straight, that.
0:48:35 > 0:48:38Give over. It's only a poster.
0:48:41 > 0:48:43Christ all-bloody-mighty.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48- All right, sweethearts? - Gary the lad. >
0:48:48 > 0:48:50What are you up to, shifty?
0:48:50 > 0:48:54A bit of this. A bit of that. A bit of the other.
0:48:54 > 0:48:57Just a bit of advertising for some mates.
0:48:57 > 0:49:00Oh, aye. And who's going to come and see "your mates"?
0:49:00 > 0:49:03We had the real thing here the other day.
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Well, our mates are better.
0:49:05 > 0:49:07Better? How's that, then?
0:49:07 > 0:49:09Well...
0:49:11 > 0:49:13- This lot go all the way.- Stark naked?
0:49:13 > 0:49:14Don't they, lads?
0:49:14 > 0:49:16The full monty? You lot?
0:49:18 > 0:49:22- Hell fire! That would be worth a look. See you there, then.- Ta-ra.
0:49:22 > 0:49:25THEY LAUGH
0:49:25 > 0:49:27- Keep your hair on. - No way. No and never,
0:49:27 > 0:49:29in that order, kid.
0:49:29 > 0:49:33Excuse me. No-one said anything to me about the full monty.
0:49:33 > 0:49:37You heard them. We've got to give summat your average stripper don't.
0:49:37 > 0:49:40Yeah, but... my willy. I mean to say...
0:49:40 > 0:49:42Your willy? My willy.
0:49:42 > 0:49:44A laughing stock, totally.
0:49:44 > 0:49:45They're coming, aren't they?
0:49:45 > 0:49:48With a pair of scissors. They know it's us.
0:49:48 > 0:49:52Every bugger will know it's us whether we do it or not.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55We can forget it, go back to t'Jobclub,
0:49:55 > 0:49:57or do it and maybe get rich. >
0:49:57 > 0:49:59And I tell you, folks don't laugh so loud
0:49:59 > 0:50:02when you've a grand in your pocket.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05Now, are you in,
0:50:05 > 0:50:07or are you out?
0:50:07 > 0:50:12RADIO: 'Rain is causing problems for drivers on the Pennines,
0:50:12 > 0:50:15'with the A57 closed into the town centre.
0:50:15 > 0:50:20'The good news is that the outlook for the rest of the week is better,
0:50:20 > 0:50:22'with the storms clearing by Friday,
0:50:22 > 0:50:25'to leave the weekend warm and sunny.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27'But now back to the music.
0:50:27 > 0:50:31'Here's a classic from the 1970s. It's Donna Summer
0:50:31 > 0:50:34'with Hot Stuff.'
0:50:34 > 0:50:36MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
0:50:41 > 0:50:45# Sitting here eating my heart out waiting
0:50:45 > 0:50:48# Waiting for some lover to call
0:50:49 > 0:50:53# Dialled about a thousand numbers lately
0:50:53 > 0:50:56# Almost rang the phone off the wall
0:50:56 > 0:51:00# Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening
0:51:00 > 0:51:03# I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight
0:51:04 > 0:51:08# I want some hot stuff, baby, this evening
0:51:08 > 0:51:12# Gotta have some hot stuff, gotta have some love tonight
0:51:12 > 0:51:14# Hot stuff
0:51:15 > 0:51:17# I need hot stuff
0:51:18 > 0:51:22# I want some hot stuff. #
0:51:30 > 0:51:33No.
0:51:33 > 0:51:35Come on, mate. Just an hour.
0:51:35 > 0:51:37MUSIC: We Are Family by Sister Sledge
0:51:39 > 0:51:41You've got some fit birds in there.
0:51:43 > 0:51:45No. Tits are too big.
0:51:45 > 0:51:48Yeah? Didn't know they could be.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Anti-wrinkle cream?
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Can fellas use this, and all?
0:51:55 > 0:51:58Do you mind, you?
0:51:58 > 0:52:03Yeah, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us. That's all.
0:52:03 > 0:52:05You what?
0:52:05 > 0:52:08They'll be looking at us like that.
0:52:10 > 0:52:14What if 400 women turn and say, he's too fat, he's too old,
0:52:14 > 0:52:17and he's a pigeon-chested tosser?
0:52:17 > 0:52:20- They wouldn't say that, would they? - He just said her tits are too big.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23That's different. We're blokes.
0:52:23 > 0:52:24Yeah, and?
0:52:24 > 0:52:27I think she's got nice tits.
0:52:27 > 0:52:30I never said about her personality. I bet she's nice.
0:52:30 > 0:52:35They won't say about yours, which is good because you're a bastard.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39Bollocks to personality. This is what they want.
0:52:39 > 0:52:41And I tell you summat, mate.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Anti-wrinkle cream there may be,
0:52:43 > 0:52:46but anti-fat-bastard cream, there is none.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49Here, lads.
0:52:54 > 0:52:56Oh, mother.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59Bloody hell.
0:52:59 > 0:53:02Gaz wanted something flashy. It's top of the range.
0:53:02 > 0:53:05- Yeah, but... - You don't get much for your money.
0:53:05 > 0:53:08- What day is it, again? > - Monday.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12- And when are we on? - Friday. Dress rehearsal tomorrow.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17I think I'm going to be sick.
0:53:23 > 0:53:27How can I read the instructions? There wasn't any.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30Well, maybe there's a part missing.
0:53:30 > 0:53:33Yeah, I got that, if that's what you call it.
0:53:33 > 0:53:37Well, if it's all there, how come it's not working?
0:53:39 > 0:53:41What do you mean, 'in what sense'?
0:53:41 > 0:53:45It's not working in the sense that it's not working.
0:53:45 > 0:53:51No, I can't speak up. Nothing's happening. Nothing's getting bigger.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Well, this is an emergency, is this.
0:54:42 > 0:54:44What's the matter, big man?
0:54:47 > 0:54:49I'm sorry.
0:54:56 > 0:54:58Dave?
0:55:01 > 0:55:03< Dave.
0:55:05 > 0:55:07MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
0:55:08 > 0:55:10# Wanna bring a wild man back home
0:55:10 > 0:55:14# Gotta have some hot love, baby, this evening
0:55:14 > 0:55:17# I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight... #
0:55:17 > 0:55:19You're ahead.
0:55:19 > 0:55:21Give us a break, will you?
0:55:24 > 0:55:26All right, kid.
0:55:28 > 0:55:30Tell us straight.
0:55:30 > 0:55:34We're not just making the biggest arses of ourselves in the known universe, are we?
0:56:40 > 0:56:42Dave, mate?
0:56:42 > 0:56:44Can I have a word?
0:56:44 > 0:56:46In private, like?
0:56:46 > 0:56:50Yeah... I suppose so.
0:56:50 > 0:56:53You won't tell anyone, will you?
0:56:53 > 0:56:56No, your secret's safe with me.
0:56:59 > 0:57:01When I were about 12,
0:57:01 > 0:57:04our school took us for swimming lessons.
0:57:05 > 0:57:07Mixed classes.
0:57:07 > 0:57:09You know, boys...
0:57:09 > 0:57:11and, er...
0:57:11 > 0:57:13and girls.
0:57:17 > 0:57:19It were terrible, Dave.
0:57:19 > 0:57:23I were there. I were standing at t'side of pool in my trunks,
0:57:23 > 0:57:28with all these pretty lasses around in bikinis and, well...
0:57:29 > 0:57:31I got, er...
0:57:37 > 0:57:39I got a stiffy.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41What did you do?
0:57:41 > 0:57:45I jumped into the deep end. I nearly fucking drowned!
0:57:45 > 0:57:49What if it happens again? Think of that, in front of 400 women.
0:57:49 > 0:57:51Gerald.
0:57:51 > 0:57:53You're talking to the wrong man.
0:58:00 > 0:58:03- < I thought it were just your mum. - < It's family, isn't it?
0:58:03 > 0:58:04What can you do?
0:58:04 > 0:58:06Who the hell fire's that?
0:58:06 > 0:58:09< Oh, no.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11< It's Beryl.
0:58:11 > 0:58:14My niece.
0:58:14 > 0:58:16Where's Dave?
0:58:21 > 0:58:23Here, Dave?
0:58:23 > 0:58:25Dave! What are you doing?
0:58:25 > 0:58:27What does it look like?
0:58:27 > 0:58:31We're on in three days' time. Where the fuck are you?
0:58:31 > 0:58:35I'm here - working, earning! That's where. Not pissing about.
0:58:35 > 0:58:37End of chat.
0:58:38 > 0:58:40Dave?
0:58:40 > 0:58:43- Come on, Dave.- No.
0:58:43 > 0:58:47All right, then. Ooh, very nice.
0:58:47 > 0:58:49- Gaz, please, don't. - Come on, do your job.
0:58:49 > 0:58:51Gazza.
0:58:51 > 0:58:54< Horse, mate, get out there and tell them there's a bit of delay.
0:58:54 > 0:58:56< They won't wait forever.
0:59:10 > 0:59:12Keep up, you fat bastard.
0:59:12 > 0:59:14Argh!
0:59:14 > 0:59:16SECURITY ALARM
0:59:16 > 0:59:19Don't ever call me a fat bastard, all right?!
0:59:19 > 0:59:20All right?!
0:59:20 > 0:59:22We need you, Dave.
0:59:24 > 0:59:26I can't.
0:59:29 > 0:59:31I just can't.
0:59:31 > 0:59:33All right?
0:59:33 > 0:59:38Listen. Think of the most boring thing you can come up with.
0:59:38 > 0:59:41- That should keep it well in order. - Like what?
0:59:41 > 0:59:44- Double glazing salesmen. - Gardening. The Queen's speech.
0:59:44 > 0:59:47Dire Straits' double album. Nature programmes.
0:59:47 > 0:59:49I like nature programmes.
0:59:49 > 0:59:52But they don't give you a hard-on, do they?
0:59:52 > 0:59:54Do they?
0:59:54 > 0:59:58- Blimey!- Oh, shut up. It's not funny. It's medical.
1:00:03 > 1:00:05He's not coming.
1:00:05 > 1:00:07< It's all right.
1:00:07 > 1:00:09We can do without him.
1:00:09 > 1:00:12MUSIC: Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter
1:00:12 > 1:00:13# Hey!
1:00:13 > 1:00:15# Hey!
1:00:15 > 1:00:17# Hey!
1:00:17 > 1:00:19# Hey!
1:00:42 > 1:00:44# Hey!
1:00:46 > 1:00:48# Hey!
1:00:49 > 1:00:51# Hey!
1:00:52 > 1:00:54# Hey! #
1:01:39 > 1:01:41MUSIC OFF
1:01:48 > 1:01:50So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?
1:01:50 > 1:01:52When he's rehearsing.
1:01:58 > 1:02:01We were dancing all right, and all.
1:02:01 > 1:02:03My feet are freezing.
1:02:03 > 1:02:05Right. Name?
1:02:05 > 1:02:07Gary Schofield.
1:02:11 > 1:02:14- (Gerald Arthur Cooper.) - What?
1:02:14 > 1:02:16Gerald Arthur Cooper.
1:02:19 > 1:02:22- Barrington Mitchell. - Barrington?
1:02:22 > 1:02:24- Yeah. - Is that one R?
1:02:24 > 1:02:25Two.
1:02:46 > 1:02:49I told you. Robbing pipes, that's all.
1:02:49 > 1:02:53Gary, my friend, no bugger robs pipes in the buff.
1:02:53 > 1:02:55We do.
1:02:55 > 1:02:57You don't get your clothes dirty, do you?
1:02:57 > 1:02:59Oh, well, don't fret, gents.
1:02:59 > 1:03:02There's a good laundry in Wakefield Prison.
1:03:02 > 1:03:05- Eh? - KNOCK AT DOOR
1:03:06 > 1:03:08Security camera tapes off the front desk.
1:03:08 > 1:03:11What happened to the security guard?
1:03:17 > 1:03:19LAUGHTER
1:03:22 > 1:03:24You're always ahead there.
1:03:24 > 1:03:27You're always bloody behind, more like.
1:03:27 > 1:03:29Can I borrow this for a second?
1:03:29 > 1:03:31CHATTER AND LAUGHTER
1:03:31 > 1:03:34Look, shut up, will you?!
1:03:34 > 1:03:36< Watch.
1:03:37 > 1:03:39< He's right.
1:03:39 > 1:03:42- You're ahead. - Ah, go bollocks.
1:04:01 > 1:04:03BANGING AND CLATTERING
1:04:03 > 1:04:04Shush. Be quiet.
1:04:04 > 1:04:07I've always wanted to meet your mam.
1:04:17 > 1:04:20What do you mean, I can't bloody see him? He's my son.
1:04:20 > 1:04:23I haven't even been charged. Ask Smiler in there. No charge!
1:04:23 > 1:04:26Sorry. Social services have requested an interview with you.
1:04:26 > 1:04:29You'll have to make an appointment.
1:04:33 > 1:04:36- I've come to pick up my son. - Oh, right.
1:04:36 > 1:04:38Just a minute, ma'am.
1:04:38 > 1:04:40It's fine. We've not been charged.
1:04:40 > 1:04:44So this is your money-making scheme? Pornography?
1:04:44 > 1:04:46Don't be daft. We're trying to get you your money.
1:04:46 > 1:04:49My money?! Nathan's money.
1:04:49 > 1:04:51< All right, Dad.
1:04:51 > 1:04:53- All right, kid? > - Yeah, fine. Hi, Mum.
1:04:53 > 1:04:56Come on, love. We're going now.
1:04:56 > 1:04:58Come on, Mand.
1:04:58 > 1:05:01Unemployed. Maintenance arrears of £700,
1:05:01 > 1:05:05arrested for indecent exposure. Think you're a suitable father?
1:05:05 > 1:05:07- He is trying.- See?
1:05:07 > 1:05:10- A bit late for that. - Hang on a minute!
1:05:10 > 1:05:13Look at yourself, Gary. Just look at yourself.
1:05:49 > 1:05:52All right, mate?
1:05:52 > 1:05:54So?
1:05:55 > 1:05:57This has been going on how long?
1:05:57 > 1:05:59Er...
1:06:01 > 1:06:03About six months.
1:06:09 > 1:06:11I can cope with losing the sun bed...
1:06:12 > 1:06:15..the car, the television.
1:06:15 > 1:06:19I can even cope with the shame of everyone watching this.
1:06:19 > 1:06:22But six months! Six bloody months!
1:06:22 > 1:06:24And you wouldn't say, to me! >
1:06:25 > 1:06:27To your wife.
1:06:31 > 1:06:33I thought you liked them.
1:06:33 > 1:06:36No, Gerald. I've never liked them.
1:06:48 > 1:06:50KNOCK AT DOOR
1:07:00 > 1:07:04They've taken my sun bed. They've taken bloody everything.
1:07:04 > 1:07:07- You've kept hold of your chips, though.- House repossessed.
1:07:07 > 1:07:09Wife thrown me out.
1:07:09 > 1:07:11Guess what?
1:07:11 > 1:07:13I've just been offered that job.
1:07:13 > 1:07:15Congratulations.
1:07:22 > 1:07:24All right, kid?
1:07:24 > 1:07:26- Hiya.- Fancy a kickabout?
1:07:26 > 1:07:28Yeah. >
1:07:30 > 1:07:34Nath... Hiya. All right, love? You shouldn't be here.
1:07:34 > 1:07:36Says who?
1:07:36 > 1:07:39Read the lawyer's letter, why don't you?
1:07:39 > 1:07:43We're going swimming, Dad. Do you want to come?
1:07:45 > 1:07:49I can't, kid. I haven't got my trunks, have I?
1:07:49 > 1:07:51We can go get them. Can't we, Mum?
1:07:51 > 1:07:54- < I can't, love.- Why?
1:07:54 > 1:07:56I just...
1:07:59 > 1:08:01I just can't. Sorry.
1:08:01 > 1:08:03He's not allowed, is he?
1:08:08 > 1:08:10Come on, love.
1:08:46 > 1:08:48(Dave!)
1:08:48 > 1:08:50(Oi, you deaf twat!)
1:08:50 > 1:08:53What do you want now? I've told you, I'm finished with you.
1:08:53 > 1:08:55We're all finished, Dave.
1:08:55 > 1:08:57I'm a bloody marked man, now.
1:08:59 > 1:09:03Sorry about your Nathan. It's a bad one, that.
1:09:05 > 1:09:07It's about Lomper.
1:09:07 > 1:09:09What does that pasty-faced chuffer want?
1:09:09 > 1:09:11His mum died two days ago.
1:09:11 > 1:09:14Ah.
1:09:14 > 1:09:16Poor lad. I'm sorry.
1:09:16 > 1:09:19- Could you borrow us a jacket for the funeral?- Gaz.
1:09:19 > 1:09:23Come on, Dave. It's not for me. It's a funeral.
1:09:25 > 1:09:28What colour?
1:09:28 > 1:09:30Orange.
1:09:30 > 1:09:32Orange?
1:09:32 > 1:09:34Black, for fuck's sake.
1:09:34 > 1:09:36OK. Look, I'll meet you by t'doors.
1:09:46 > 1:09:48Nice one.
1:09:48 > 1:09:51- Come on, then. - Have you got some time off?
1:09:51 > 1:09:55Nah, that fucking pick and mix were driving me crazy.
1:09:55 > 1:09:58Besides, it's a funeral. Are you ready?
1:09:58 > 1:10:00Ready when you are.
1:10:02 > 1:10:04THEY YELL
1:10:06 > 1:10:08MUSIC: Abide With Me
1:10:20 > 1:10:22BRASS BAND STARTS PLAYING
1:11:07 > 1:11:09< They bloody are, you know.
1:11:09 > 1:11:11They're holding hands.
1:11:11 > 1:11:14- They're never. - Straight up.
1:11:14 > 1:11:18I never even hold hands with ruddy lasses, me. Maybe I should.
1:11:21 > 1:11:23Ah! Who'd have bloody thought it, eh?
1:11:25 > 1:11:28Ah, well. There's nowt as queer as folk.
1:11:31 > 1:11:34There's nowt as queer as folk.
1:11:34 > 1:11:37Shut up, Dave. It's supposed to be a bloody funeral.
1:11:37 > 1:11:39I'm sorry.
1:11:48 > 1:11:50Eh, look. It's that guy.
1:11:50 > 1:11:52Show us your pecs!
1:11:52 > 1:11:54WOLF WHISTLES
1:11:54 > 1:11:57They were together in the paper, weren't they?
1:12:03 > 1:12:05Have you been actively seeking work?
1:12:05 > 1:12:07Yeah.
1:12:07 > 1:12:10Have you done any work? Paid or unpaid in the last fortnight?
1:12:10 > 1:12:12No.
1:12:14 > 1:12:16That's not what I've heard.
1:13:02 > 1:13:04Right, come on, you lot.
1:13:08 > 1:13:10Slaidburn.
1:13:13 > 1:13:15One, two, three, four.
1:13:19 > 1:13:21MUSIC: The Stripper
1:13:52 > 1:13:54BOTH HUM THE STRIPPER
1:13:54 > 1:13:55Go get shagged.
1:13:55 > 1:13:57Get your knickers...
1:13:59 > 1:14:01HORN BEEPS
1:14:01 > 1:14:03Oh, fuck.
1:14:03 > 1:14:06Hey, Patricia the stripper!
1:14:06 > 1:14:07Bugger off.
1:14:07 > 1:14:09< Where have you bloody been?
1:14:09 > 1:14:13What's going on? I've had to buy in 20 barrels. I've heard not a word.
1:14:13 > 1:14:15I hope they're sale or return.
1:14:15 > 1:14:18You're joking. You're bloody famous.
1:14:18 > 1:14:19Yeah, don't remind me.
1:14:19 > 1:14:22Yeah, I've sold 200-odd tickets.
1:14:22 > 1:14:24How many?
1:14:24 > 1:14:27- Well done, Gerald. All the best. - All right.
1:14:27 > 1:14:29An example for you there. >
1:14:31 > 1:14:33Nice suit, Gerald.
1:14:33 > 1:14:35Yeah.
1:14:35 > 1:14:38< I'll be off. You never know,
1:14:38 > 1:14:41there might be a job in it for you, boys. I'll see what I can do.
1:14:41 > 1:14:43GAZ: All right, lads? >
1:14:43 > 1:14:46We're on.
1:14:46 > 1:14:49- We're bloody on. - What?
1:14:49 > 1:14:52We've sold 200 tickets. That's two grand already.
1:14:52 > 1:14:57It's a bit late for all that, Gaz. I mean, fresh start, you know?
1:14:57 > 1:14:59One more time, Gerald.
1:14:59 > 1:15:02You've got the rest of your fucking life to wear a suit, man.
1:15:04 > 1:15:06Go on. Go on, Gerald.
1:15:08 > 1:15:10Just once.
1:15:10 > 1:15:12- < Yes! - That's all.
1:15:12 > 1:15:15Just tonight.
1:15:15 > 1:15:18How about it, Dave?
1:15:18 > 1:15:21Haven't you grown out of all that yet?
1:15:21 > 1:15:23Come on, mate.
1:15:24 > 1:15:26Nah. Sorry, lads.
1:15:35 > 1:15:37Jean?
1:15:39 > 1:15:41Jean, love?!
1:15:47 > 1:15:49There you are.
1:15:54 > 1:15:58I should've guessed when you started wearing totty lotion.
1:15:58 > 1:16:00You never put it on for me.
1:16:00 > 1:16:02Jean?
1:16:02 > 1:16:04But this.
1:16:04 > 1:16:07I never had you down for this sort of caper, David.
1:16:07 > 1:16:09It explains a few things at least.
1:16:09 > 1:16:11No, look.
1:16:11 > 1:16:13I know it don't look good.
1:16:13 > 1:16:16You're bloody right it don't.
1:16:16 > 1:16:18All those nights you were late back,
1:16:18 > 1:16:23and stupid cow here thought you were out looking for a job.
1:16:23 > 1:16:25Well, no wonder.
1:16:25 > 1:16:29No bloody wonder. It's so obvious. >
1:16:29 > 1:16:31No. I were with Gaz, honest.
1:16:31 > 1:16:35Right! She's one of Gaz's little tarts, is she?
1:16:35 > 1:16:37Well, that makes sense.
1:16:37 > 1:16:40She'd have to be to put up with this kind of shit!
1:16:42 > 1:16:44Just listen, will you?!
1:16:44 > 1:16:47It's nowt to do with any fucking women, all right!
1:16:49 > 1:16:53I'm... I were a stripper, right?
1:16:53 > 1:16:56Me and Gaz, and some fellas,
1:16:56 > 1:17:00thought we could make a bob or two taking our clothes off.
1:17:00 > 1:17:03Strippers?!
1:17:03 > 1:17:05All right. All right. I know.
1:17:05 > 1:17:07You?
1:17:07 > 1:17:10And Gaz? Strippers?
1:17:10 > 1:17:12We weren't that bad.
1:17:14 > 1:17:16Only I couldn't, could I?
1:17:16 > 1:17:18Why not?
1:17:19 > 1:17:21Well, look at me.
1:17:22 > 1:17:24So?
1:17:26 > 1:17:29Jeanie, who wants to see this dance?
1:17:32 > 1:17:34Me, Dave.
1:17:34 > 1:17:37I do.
1:17:59 > 1:18:01Women only, you tosser. >
1:18:01 > 1:18:05Women only. It's on all the posters, for fuck's sake.
1:18:05 > 1:18:07Ah, nobody told me.
1:18:07 > 1:18:09All the blokes from t'pub are in there.
1:18:09 > 1:18:11Bastards!
1:18:11 > 1:18:14You'll be all right, mate, once you're on stage.
1:18:14 > 1:18:17Once I'm on stage? What do you mean?
1:18:17 > 1:18:21I'm go nowhere near the fucking stage. It's suicide. Suicide!
1:18:21 > 1:18:23Ha, ha.
1:18:29 > 1:18:31- CROWD:- # Come on, come on... #
1:18:35 > 1:18:39Shit! We'll give the money back. Announce it, please.
1:18:39 > 1:18:43To 400 horny punters? Ask me another one, kid.
1:18:43 > 1:18:47By heck, our old dinner lady's on t'front row.
1:18:47 > 1:18:48We'll get torn to pieces.
1:18:48 > 1:18:51You will if you don't get out there.
1:18:51 > 1:18:53Ever seen a zebra brought down by a pack of wolves?
1:18:53 > 1:18:55Marvellous, these nature films. Marvellous.
1:18:55 > 1:18:58- Brilliant, aren't they? - They are, though, aren't they?
1:18:58 > 1:19:00Oh, pack it in.
1:19:00 > 1:19:02Not lost your bottle, have you, Gaz?
1:19:02 > 1:19:04- ALL:- Dave!
1:19:04 > 1:19:07There were nowt on telly, so I thought I'd give it a go.
1:19:07 > 1:19:10- I found this one wandering about outside.- They wouldn't let me in.
1:19:10 > 1:19:12What the bloody hell are you doing here? Your mum'll go mad.
1:19:12 > 1:19:14She's out t'front.
1:19:14 > 1:19:16Is she?
1:19:16 > 1:19:18Is Barry with her?
1:19:18 > 1:19:20She wouldn't let him come. Said it were women only.
1:19:20 > 1:19:23I can't hold them any longer. It's now or never!
1:19:23 > 1:19:25< Here we go.
1:19:25 > 1:19:27We're bloody on.
1:19:27 > 1:19:29Go and get your jacket on.
1:19:30 > 1:19:33Can't we leave our G-strings on, Gaz?
1:19:33 > 1:19:35Perhaps you'd better had.
1:19:35 > 1:19:38No, we'd better hadn't.
1:19:38 > 1:19:43Listen. If we're doing this, then just this once we're doing it right.
1:19:43 > 1:19:45Now, come on.
1:19:45 > 1:19:48'Right. Come on, put your hands together
1:19:48 > 1:19:50'and welcome Mr Dave...'
1:19:50 > 1:19:53CHEERING
1:19:53 > 1:19:55SCREAMING AND CHEERING
1:20:00 > 1:20:03OK, ladies and gents, and you buggers up the back there.
1:20:04 > 1:20:05Get away!
1:20:05 > 1:20:08All right, we may not be young or pretty,
1:20:08 > 1:20:10and we may not be right good.
1:20:10 > 1:20:12< But we're here.
1:20:12 > 1:20:18We're live. And, for one night only, we're going for the full monty.
1:20:18 > 1:20:21You can't miss it. Not after everything.
1:20:21 > 1:20:23- <- GERALD:- Come on, Gaz. Hurry up!
1:20:23 > 1:20:25I'm sorry, lads.
1:20:27 > 1:20:29Good luck.
1:20:34 > 1:20:36MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On by Tom Jones
1:20:56 > 1:20:59# Baby, take off your coat...
1:20:59 > 1:21:02Listen. I'm going to get really annoyed with you in a minute.
1:21:02 > 1:21:04They're cheering out there. You did that.
1:21:04 > 1:21:06Now, get out there and do your stuff.
1:21:06 > 1:21:09God! Is there anyone I don't get bollocked by?
1:21:09 > 1:21:11Out!
1:21:17 > 1:21:19# Baby, take off your dress
1:21:22 > 1:21:25# Yes, yes, yes!
1:21:27 > 1:21:30# You can leave your hat on
1:21:32 > 1:21:35# You can leave your hat on
1:21:36 > 1:21:39# You can leave your hat on
1:21:44 > 1:21:46# Go over there
1:21:46 > 1:21:48# Turn on the light
1:21:49 > 1:21:50# No
1:21:50 > 1:21:52# All the lights
1:21:54 > 1:21:57# Come back here
1:21:57 > 1:21:59# Stand on that chair
1:22:00 > 1:22:02# Ooh, baby, that's right
1:22:05 > 1:22:09# Raise your arms in the air
1:22:09 > 1:22:11CHEERING
1:22:11 > 1:22:13# Now, shake them...
1:22:13 > 1:22:16Yes! Go on, Dave!
1:22:16 > 1:22:19# You give me reason to live
1:22:19 > 1:22:21# You give me reason to live
1:22:21 > 1:22:24# You give me reason to live
1:22:24 > 1:22:26# You give me reason to live
1:22:34 > 1:22:36# Lesson number one, I'll say
1:22:39 > 1:22:42# You can leave your hat on, baby
1:22:43 > 1:22:45CHEERING
1:22:53 > 1:22:55# Ooooh!
1:22:59 > 1:23:01- AUDIENCE:- Off! Off! Off...
1:23:02 > 1:23:04# Tell me, baby
1:23:06 > 1:23:08# Tell me, baby
1:23:13 > 1:23:15# Gotta hear it again
1:23:15 > 1:23:17# Ahhh!
1:23:25 > 1:23:27- AUDIENCE:- Off! Off! Off...
1:23:27 > 1:23:29- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
1:23:29 > 1:23:37# You can leave your hat on
1:23:37 > 1:23:39# Yeah
1:23:39 > 1:23:41# Leave your hat on, baby. #
1:23:43 > 1:23:46MUSIC: You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate
1:24:00 > 1:24:02# I believe in miracles
1:24:04 > 1:24:06# Where you from
1:24:06 > 1:24:09# You sexy thing, sexy thing, you?
1:24:09 > 1:24:11# I believe in miracles
1:24:13 > 1:24:15# Since you came along
1:24:15 > 1:24:17# You sexy thing
1:24:27 > 1:24:29# Where did you come from, baby?
1:24:31 > 1:24:34# How did you know I needed you?
1:24:35 > 1:24:40# How did you know I needed you so badly?
1:24:40 > 1:24:44# How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?
1:24:44 > 1:24:48# Yesterday, I was one of the lonely people
1:24:48 > 1:24:53# Now you're lying close to me, making love to me
1:24:53 > 1:24:55# I believe in miracles
1:24:56 > 1:24:58# Where you from
1:24:58 > 1:25:01# You sexy thing, sexy thing, you?
1:25:01 > 1:25:03# I believe in miracles
1:25:05 > 1:25:07# Since you came along
1:25:07 > 1:25:10# You sexy thing
1:25:10 > 1:25:12# Touch me
1:25:14 > 1:25:16# Kiss me, darlin'
1:25:18 > 1:25:20# I love the way you hold me, baby
1:25:21 > 1:25:23# Ah, ah!
1:25:23 > 1:25:25# It's ecstasy
1:25:25 > 1:25:28# Ahhh! You sexy thing
1:25:28 > 1:25:30# You sexy thing, you... #