What We Did on Our Holiday

0:00:48 > 0:00:49THUMP

0:00:49 > 0:00:53Mickey, have a pee before you go. And in the toilet this time!

0:00:53 > 0:00:56TV PLAYS SOFT MUSIC

0:01:04 > 0:01:07Mickey! Move! Don't sit on the back of the sofa.

0:01:07 > 0:01:09What? Whoa! Ah!

0:01:09 > 0:01:12Right, come on, Jess, time to get a move on, OK? Come on.

0:01:12 > 0:01:14Scottish grandad and his puppies are waiting for us.

0:01:14 > 0:01:17OK? Let me take this. Oh! Jeez! What the...?!

0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, for...! What's that?!

0:01:20 > 0:01:22That's Eric.

0:01:22 > 0:01:26- Eric?- Yes. He wants to come to Scotland with us too.

0:01:26 > 0:01:30Thing is, darling, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and... Hang on. There's...

0:01:30 > 0:01:33What's this?! That's...

0:01:33 > 0:01:34That's Norman.

0:01:34 > 0:01:38That's...half a breezeblock. How did you even pick that up?!

0:01:38 > 0:01:40I can't sleep without Norman.

0:01:40 > 0:01:42You sleep with this in your bed?

0:01:42 > 0:01:44No, that would be stupid!

0:01:44 > 0:01:46He goes at the bottom of my bed

0:01:46 > 0:01:49to make sure the bad ones don't come in.

0:01:49 > 0:01:51So there's bad stones and good stones?

0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Yeah. Like in real life.- Sure.

0:01:57 > 0:01:58CAR ALARM GOES OFF

0:01:58 > 0:02:01- That's our car alarm! - Oh, for God's sake!

0:02:01 > 0:02:03ALARM BLARES

0:02:03 > 0:02:06For Odin!

0:02:06 > 0:02:08Argh!

0:02:13 > 0:02:15PHONE RINGS

0:02:15 > 0:02:17Bloody thing!

0:02:17 > 0:02:19PHONE RINGS Bugger off!

0:02:25 > 0:02:29No. I'm sorry, darling, we can't take Norman to Scotland. Or Eric.

0:02:29 > 0:02:31Right. Then I'm going to hold my breath.

0:02:31 > 0:02:33No, no, no. Don't do that. Jess! Jess! Jess!

0:02:33 > 0:02:34Stop it! Jess! Jess!

0:02:35 > 0:02:38OK, they can come. Look! Fine. See. They're coming. It's OK.

0:02:38 > 0:02:41It's OK. Look. Look. In they go. In the bag.

0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Oh!- So our best friends are stones now?- No, not all of them.

0:02:44 > 0:02:46Some of them are bricks.

0:02:46 > 0:02:49Well, have you, you know, spoken to anyone about it?

0:02:49 > 0:02:52What? Like a geologist? No. This thing hates me.

0:02:52 > 0:02:54I'm just saying,

0:02:54 > 0:02:57obsessive collecting, it's rather abnormal behaviour for a child...

0:02:57 > 0:03:00Oh, she's behaving abnormally, is she? I wonder why.

0:03:00 > 0:03:03Oh, for Christ's sake, Abi, just get... OK, sweetie?

0:03:03 > 0:03:04Everything all right?

0:03:04 > 0:03:07- I need a list.- A list?

0:03:07 > 0:03:09Yeah. Of the lies we're going to tell.

0:03:09 > 0:03:10In case I forget one.

0:03:12 > 0:03:14That is a clove hitch.

0:03:14 > 0:03:16It's just a list would be really helpful.

0:03:16 > 0:03:18Now has anyone seen my house keys?

0:03:18 > 0:03:21Oh, M25 slow moving between...

0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Well, everywhere.- It's just a list would be really helpful.

0:03:23 > 0:03:25Darling, it's really very simple.

0:03:25 > 0:03:28It's Grandad's 75th birthday party and we don't want to upset him

0:03:28 > 0:03:30because he's... He's been a bit poorly.

0:03:30 > 0:03:31He's getting better now.

0:03:33 > 0:03:34Yes. But...

0:03:34 > 0:03:37- ALARM GOES OFF - Oh! Jesus H Christ!

0:03:37 > 0:03:40Mummy, you're not suppose to say Jesus' name like that.

0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oh, no, that's all right, darling. It's cos I'm asking for his help.

0:03:43 > 0:03:45- To stop the car alarm?- Yup.

0:03:45 > 0:03:47- ALARM GOES OFF - See.

0:03:47 > 0:03:49Thank you, Jesus.

0:03:49 > 0:03:50Right, come on. All aboard.

0:03:52 > 0:03:53- Enemies of Odin! - I want the window seat!

0:03:53 > 0:03:55Have you got your key?

0:03:55 > 0:03:58No, I gave you my key, remember?

0:03:58 > 0:04:00Yeah. Yup.

0:04:00 > 0:04:02- Well, we can't leave the house unlocked.- Nope.

0:04:02 > 0:04:04- I'm fully aware of that.- Don't start.- Nobody's starting, darling.

0:04:04 > 0:04:07You supervise the little ones. That would be great.

0:04:07 > 0:04:09- Where are you keys?- I think someone's hidden them.- Oh, for f...!

0:04:09 > 0:04:12We've got to address this. How many times?

0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Don't start! - We're not starting, darling.

0:04:15 > 0:04:17- Where are you going?- Lucy.

0:04:17 > 0:04:19Mum, she won't let me put her seat belt on.

0:04:19 > 0:04:22- I don't like it! - You've got to put the seat belt on.

0:04:22 > 0:04:25She'll be through the window screen and cut into tiny little pieces.

0:04:25 > 0:04:28Yes, thank you, Mickey. Oh! I've got a good idea.

0:04:28 > 0:04:32Why don't we ask Eric if he knows how to...

0:04:32 > 0:04:35- It is Norman, Mum. - Norman. As I was saying.

0:04:35 > 0:04:38Why don't we ask Norman if he knows how to put a seat belt on?

0:04:38 > 0:04:41He's a breezeblock! And he doesn't have arms!

0:04:41 > 0:04:43How can he possibly put my seat belt on.

0:04:43 > 0:04:44Right. I'm putting it on.

0:04:44 > 0:04:46It's the stone who needs the seat belt

0:04:46 > 0:04:50because if we break hard it will go straight through your head

0:04:50 > 0:04:53or Daddy's head if he's driving. For your information.

0:04:56 > 0:04:57Oh, hi, Lucy.

0:04:57 > 0:04:59Erm, Abi's managed to lose her key somewhere

0:04:59 > 0:05:02and I just need to lock up, so can I borrow the spare?

0:05:02 > 0:05:03She...

0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Oh.- Oh, no, Lucy. It's fine.

0:05:10 > 0:05:11Oh, right.

0:05:15 > 0:05:19- So...you're off on your travels? - Yeah, visit my dad.

0:05:19 > 0:05:21And you're driving all the way to Scotland?

0:05:21 > 0:05:24- Yeah, that's right.- Together?- Yeah.

0:05:25 > 0:05:26700...

0:05:26 > 0:05:28We cannot drive to the Highlands in one day!

0:05:28 > 0:05:30I told Gavin we'd be there tonight.

0:05:30 > 0:05:31Well, we haven't got a cat's hope in...

0:05:31 > 0:05:34- We can share the driving. - What? With Jenson Button?

0:05:34 > 0:05:35- Look.- Please don't argue.

0:05:35 > 0:05:37We're not arguing, darling, we're discussing.

0:05:37 > 0:05:39This is how it starts.

0:05:39 > 0:05:42You start off discussing and then end up shouting and screaming.

0:05:42 > 0:05:43Then the policeman comes.

0:05:44 > 0:05:46That was just a misunderstanding, sweetheart.

0:05:46 > 0:05:50Sometimes when grown-ups discuss things...very loudly,

0:05:50 > 0:05:53- people get the wrong idea. - He let me play with his Taser.

0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Well, he didn't let you. - That was another misunderstanding.

0:05:56 > 0:05:57He didn't say I couldn't.

0:05:57 > 0:06:01Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy?

0:06:01 > 0:06:02No, not nice.

0:06:06 > 0:06:09So we'll all have a little holiday together?

0:06:09 > 0:06:11Yeah. That will be lovely, won't it?

0:06:12 > 0:06:16Does that mean that Daddy's going to come and live with us again?

0:06:16 > 0:06:18Well, no, sweetheart.

0:06:18 > 0:06:19We've been through all this, haven't we?

0:06:19 > 0:06:21Oh, yeah.

0:06:21 > 0:06:24And the important thing to remember is that Mummy and Daddy...

0:06:24 > 0:06:27Both love you very much.

0:06:27 > 0:06:32But then sometimes a mummy and a daddy reach a point where...

0:06:32 > 0:06:35Well, things change and then one of them finds that they don't

0:06:35 > 0:06:39really love the other one like they used to and then...

0:06:39 > 0:06:43maybe because of that the other one...

0:06:43 > 0:06:44makes a mistake.

0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Like Lloyd's dad?- Well...

0:06:46 > 0:06:49that was actually quite a big mistake.

0:06:49 > 0:06:51Running over Lloyd's mum with his car, that was...

0:06:51 > 0:06:54No, I'm talking about a smaller mistake where one of them

0:06:54 > 0:06:55does something that is...

0:06:55 > 0:06:57A little bit silly and selfish with...

0:06:57 > 0:06:58MUTTERS: someone at work.

0:06:58 > 0:07:00So they find themselves having rows and...

0:07:00 > 0:07:02Getting cross.

0:07:02 > 0:07:05And then one of them goes to someone called a solicitor

0:07:05 > 0:07:08and sometimes if one of them's getting angry...

0:07:08 > 0:07:11One of them tells the solicitor to keep saying "no" to everything,

0:07:11 > 0:07:14even though they are in the wrong, which means that even though

0:07:14 > 0:07:18a mummy and daddy love the children very, very much and...

0:07:18 > 0:07:19Always will.

0:07:19 > 0:07:21..they just keep getting crosser...

0:07:21 > 0:07:23..and crosser until the mummy and the daddy start

0:07:23 > 0:07:26blaming each other for every tiny thing, even though

0:07:26 > 0:07:27none of this would be happening

0:07:27 > 0:07:30if the other one had just listened to him in the first place.

0:07:30 > 0:07:31- Dad.- Yes, Mickey.

0:07:33 > 0:07:34These are a bit tight.

0:07:38 > 0:07:40Dad! Dad!

0:07:40 > 0:07:42We've brought your 12 o'clock pills!

0:07:42 > 0:07:46Oh, chase me around the loch on water skis why don't you?

0:07:46 > 0:07:50You left them behind! And...it's 12 o'clock!

0:07:50 > 0:07:53Come on, you beauty! Come on!

0:07:53 > 0:07:55With his heart, he is suppose to stay calm.

0:07:55 > 0:07:59I mean...how can anybody get so worked up about fishing?

0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, Jesus!

0:08:01 > 0:08:04- You never think of looking left and right?- Dad!

0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Is this Scotland? - No, darling, this is Watford.

0:08:12 > 0:08:13CAR HORN BLARES

0:08:13 > 0:08:16When Daddy wakes up, are you going to go, "I told you so,"

0:08:16 > 0:08:17cos of traffic congestion?

0:08:17 > 0:08:19No, darling.

0:08:22 > 0:08:23Ah!

0:08:23 > 0:08:25She's not going to say, "I told you so".

0:08:25 > 0:08:26Jess! What did you do that for?

0:08:26 > 0:08:30- It's rude to just wake someone up like that.- That's right.

0:08:34 > 0:08:37Oh, God. Look at this lot.

0:08:37 > 0:08:39PHONE RINGS

0:08:39 > 0:08:40Leave it.

0:08:40 > 0:08:42Abi's phone.

0:08:44 > 0:08:46Hang on.

0:08:46 > 0:08:47It's Leon.

0:08:47 > 0:08:49I'll call him back.

0:08:49 > 0:08:50She'll call you back.

0:08:50 > 0:08:53I feel car sick. Can I sit in the front?

0:08:53 > 0:08:55Next time we stop, sweetie.

0:08:55 > 0:08:57If we're allowed to.

0:08:57 > 0:08:59SAT NAV: In 50 metres turn right.

0:08:59 > 0:09:00Well, can't bloody turn right, can we?

0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Cos there's no bloody right turn. - She can't hear you. She's a robot.

0:09:03 > 0:09:05She is the most overpriced, useless...

0:09:05 > 0:09:07Can we change it to another voice?

0:09:07 > 0:09:09Can we have it in Italian like we did last time?

0:09:09 > 0:09:11No, that's how we ended up in Ipswich.

0:09:11 > 0:09:13But we can have it in African language.

0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Say for example either like Chad... - Chad isn't a language.

0:09:16 > 0:09:19- ..or Zimbabwe...- Is it? - ..or Bahamas?

0:09:19 > 0:09:20PHONE RINGS

0:09:20 > 0:09:23- Or even Israelian? - Oh, God, it's Gavin.

0:09:23 > 0:09:25Accept it. We're not going to get there tonight.

0:09:25 > 0:09:27The traffic always gets better after the Leeds turn off.

0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Hi, Gavin. - Tell him we won't make it today.

0:09:30 > 0:09:32Yeah, it is safe me talking to you because Abi's driving.

0:09:32 > 0:09:34Tell him.

0:09:34 > 0:09:36Because in England we let women drive.

0:09:36 > 0:09:37Tell him.

0:09:38 > 0:09:42No, we will make it tonight, just probably quite late. OK.

0:09:42 > 0:09:44OK. Bye.

0:09:48 > 0:09:49HORN BLARES

0:09:52 > 0:09:55TRAFFIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:10:03 > 0:10:06HORN BLARES

0:10:06 > 0:10:09Hello, I wondered if Sir Donald was in?

0:10:09 > 0:10:11Thank you.

0:10:11 > 0:10:12We've got three bulimics.

0:10:12 > 0:10:16Do you think we should put them next to the buffet or away from it?

0:10:16 > 0:10:19I think near the toilet is probably more important.

0:10:19 > 0:10:24Eh, do you know, I think Doreen...she'll be more

0:10:24 > 0:10:26comfortable away from the top table.

0:10:26 > 0:10:27Well, maybe we should let your dad decide

0:10:27 > 0:10:29because she is one of his oldest...

0:10:29 > 0:10:31Sir Donald. Gavin.

0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Yeah.- ..friends.- Gavin.

0:10:34 > 0:10:38Gavin McLeod. Yeah. I hear you got a hole in one at the 13th.

0:10:40 > 0:10:42Well, word gets around, yeah.

0:10:46 > 0:10:48BANGING

0:10:54 > 0:10:56Well...

0:10:56 > 0:10:58he won't be bothering us again.

0:11:00 > 0:11:01Just wait there, kids.

0:11:01 > 0:11:05I like being sick. It's like being a fountain.

0:11:05 > 0:11:07- You know I was the sickest the most. - No, I was.

0:11:07 > 0:11:10Thanks for stopping for the night.

0:11:10 > 0:11:14- I just want to get there as soon as possible.- I know.

0:11:14 > 0:11:17His T-shirt. His T-shirt would fill with vomit because of me.

0:11:17 > 0:11:19Listen... PHONE RINGS

0:11:19 > 0:11:21Oh.

0:11:21 > 0:11:22I think it's a draw, OK?

0:11:22 > 0:11:24You've both produced an equal amount of sick.

0:11:24 > 0:11:25BOTH: But I still won.

0:11:29 > 0:11:31Why are we putting ourselves through all this?

0:11:31 > 0:11:34Maybe we should just tell your dad the truth.

0:11:34 > 0:11:36No. No, it's too big a risk.

0:11:36 > 0:11:39It can really upset him the idea of us splitting.

0:11:39 > 0:11:41Please, Abi.

0:11:41 > 0:11:44He can't have long. Let's just...

0:11:44 > 0:11:46Let's just let him have his party.

0:11:55 > 0:11:59Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no.

0:12:12 > 0:12:15For the last time, Lottie, no-one's going to ask you if Mum

0:12:15 > 0:12:17and me are living in the same house.

0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Is there anything else you've not told me?- No.

0:12:21 > 0:12:23Why are you writing that down?

0:12:23 > 0:12:25So you can't say you didn't say it.

0:12:25 > 0:12:30OK. Kids, just to remind... Mickey, stop playing chip Jenga.

0:12:30 > 0:12:32Just to remind everyone what we're saying is

0:12:32 > 0:12:35when we get to Scotland nobody is to tell anyone that Mum

0:12:35 > 0:12:38and me are living in different houses. OK?

0:12:38 > 0:12:40Can we tell them that you accidently walked in

0:12:40 > 0:12:42while the headmistress was doing a poo?

0:12:42 > 0:12:43It's not really...

0:12:43 > 0:12:45Can we tell them about tadpoles turning into frogs?

0:12:45 > 0:12:48Absolutely. I think that that will be an excellent conversation.

0:12:48 > 0:12:51That's a much better topic of conversation.

0:12:51 > 0:12:53So as long as we're all agreed when we get there none of us

0:12:53 > 0:12:56- mention anything about this. OK? - I wasn't going to mention it anyway.

0:12:56 > 0:12:59- It's boring.- Exactly. Boring. - It's lying.

0:12:59 > 0:13:04It's not lying. It's not. It's not mentioning something.

0:13:04 > 0:13:07What if someone asks me - are your mum and dad getting divorced?

0:13:07 > 0:13:09Lottie, you're visiting your grandad.

0:13:09 > 0:13:11You're not going on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

0:13:13 > 0:13:16I hope we get another sunset tonight. Last night was fantastic.

0:13:16 > 0:13:20It's the volcanic distant air refracting the low level sunlight.

0:13:20 > 0:13:22Really?

0:13:22 > 0:13:25I thought it was those new pills the doctor's got me on.

0:13:25 > 0:13:27I must give you a couple of packets of the blue ones.

0:13:27 > 0:13:30You can take them to school, sell them to your friends.

0:13:30 > 0:13:32Make a tidy wee profit.

0:13:34 > 0:13:37Here, play something.

0:13:41 > 0:13:44HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

0:13:44 > 0:13:45Nah, nah, nah.

0:13:45 > 0:13:48Play the proper stuff. You know you like it.

0:13:48 > 0:13:50You've got to cut loose, Kenny.

0:13:50 > 0:13:52Go mental.

0:13:52 > 0:13:55Dad says I need to concentrate on my exam pieces.

0:13:55 > 0:13:57HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

0:14:04 > 0:14:07SIRENS BLARE

0:14:40 > 0:14:43SAT NAV: In 50 metres turn right.

0:14:43 > 0:14:45Right.

0:14:45 > 0:14:48Oh, Jesus!

0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Why didn't you wake me? - You said it was rude.

0:14:50 > 0:14:52Not when I'm driving.

0:14:52 > 0:14:53What's happening?

0:14:53 > 0:14:56Daddy doesn't like me driving when he was asleep.

0:14:56 > 0:14:59- What?! You were asleep?! - Is this Scotland?

0:14:59 > 0:15:02- You actually fell asleep? - Not really.

0:15:02 > 0:15:04Yeah, these are the Highlands, Mickey.

0:15:04 > 0:15:07- How high are the Highlands? - Were you sleeping?

0:15:07 > 0:15:10- They're high. Higher than the Lowlands.- Did you fall asleep?

0:15:46 > 0:15:49- DOGS BARK - Puppies!

0:15:51 > 0:15:53Forgot the way to Scotland then, eh?

0:15:53 > 0:15:54DOUG CHUCKLES

0:15:55 > 0:15:59VOMITING

0:15:59 > 0:16:02TOILET FLUSHES

0:16:11 > 0:16:13So, Mickey, belated birthday present.

0:16:13 > 0:16:16- I bet you can guess what it is. - Is it a bicycle?

0:16:18 > 0:16:21Is it a joke cushion that stabs you in the bottom?

0:16:21 > 0:16:23- No, it is not.- Is it a cow pie?

0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Grandad!- Grandad, happy birthday!

0:16:25 > 0:16:26Hello, darling.

0:16:26 > 0:16:28Whoo!

0:16:28 > 0:16:29Hey, Dad?

0:16:30 > 0:16:32- Gordie.- Hello.

0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Happy birthday.- Thanks very much.

0:16:35 > 0:16:36How's things, Dad?

0:16:36 > 0:16:40Fine. Fine. Good. How's things with you?

0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Brilliant.- Fine. Super. More than.

0:16:43 > 0:16:45- It is more fun, actually. - Brilliant. Tremendous.

0:16:45 > 0:16:48Fun. Isn't it? Yeah. Really, really good.

0:16:48 > 0:16:50Right.

0:16:50 > 0:16:53- I did you a birthday card, Grandad. - Oh, thanks, Lottie.

0:16:53 > 0:16:55She's got something of your mother, hasn't she?

0:16:55 > 0:16:58- What? Can he not play with that? - Oh, Mickey!- Sorry.

0:16:58 > 0:17:01I just wanted to show Grandad the bedroom, the revolving doors

0:17:01 > 0:17:03and the nun with two heads.

0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Nobody wants to see a nun with two heads.- I do!

0:17:06 > 0:17:08That computer's not for kids, OK.

0:17:08 > 0:17:11- All the terminals are connected. It's...- Synergised system.

0:17:11 > 0:17:12That's right.

0:17:12 > 0:17:14You know, the whole house virtually wireless.

0:17:14 > 0:17:19- It's...more than an iCloud, it's... - iFog.

0:17:19 > 0:17:21It's an intelligent house.

0:17:21 > 0:17:25Is it intelligent as a squid?

0:17:25 > 0:17:28- As a squid?- Cos it can fit through a hole like that.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30I think it's intelligent in a way...

0:17:30 > 0:17:32Can it draw a leopard?

0:17:32 > 0:17:34- What?- And can it do cartwheels?

0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Is this house more intelligent than you?- Mickey.

0:17:37 > 0:17:39The system cost a lot of money, OK?

0:17:39 > 0:17:42Yeah, well, it doesn't always mean it's intelligent.

0:17:42 > 0:17:44It costs loads of money.

0:17:44 > 0:17:47Yeah, you're not explaining at all well.

0:17:47 > 0:17:51I think we should take you to the headmaster of your place because...

0:17:51 > 0:17:53It's an intelligent house! OK?

0:17:55 > 0:17:59You know, it's connected. Let there be light.

0:18:00 > 0:18:04Now then, Clan McLeod, if you'll excuse me.

0:18:07 > 0:18:10Where are the keys? They were there a moment ago.

0:18:10 > 0:18:11Who could have taken them?

0:18:12 > 0:18:15I don't know.

0:18:15 > 0:18:16Magpies.

0:18:18 > 0:18:20HE SIGHS

0:18:20 > 0:18:21Magpies?

0:18:23 > 0:18:26This is my domain. Only special people come here.

0:18:28 > 0:18:32After you, my dear.

0:18:32 > 0:18:34Ta-da!

0:18:44 > 0:18:46Jess! This is insane!

0:18:46 > 0:18:48I only asked you where the keys were.

0:18:48 > 0:18:52Jessie. Jessie, just breathe. Take a big, big breath.

0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Like a big, deep breath. - She holds her breath?

0:18:55 > 0:18:59- Yep.- Ah, well, she can't do herself too much harm, eh?

0:18:59 > 0:19:01Well, actually...

0:19:01 > 0:19:03Till she blacks out. Unconscious.

0:19:03 > 0:19:08That's quite extreme, isn't it? To hold your breath for that long.

0:19:08 > 0:19:11Well, she can always become a pearl diver.

0:19:16 > 0:19:17Where's Sir Donald gone?

0:19:17 > 0:19:21Have you noticed anything odd about Doug and Abi?

0:19:21 > 0:19:23Hey! What have you done to that helmet?

0:19:23 > 0:19:25I took the horns off it.

0:19:26 > 0:19:28London manners, eh?

0:19:28 > 0:19:30Doug can't control him.

0:19:30 > 0:19:31And as for her...

0:19:31 > 0:19:34that's what happens when you marry someone too clever.

0:19:40 > 0:19:43That's me when I was 20. When my skin was a little less orange.

0:19:47 > 0:19:48Is that you with the monkey?

0:19:48 > 0:19:51Yup. That was my 30th birthday in northern Rhodesia.

0:19:51 > 0:19:54- We were looking for silver. - Kneel before mighty Odin!

0:19:54 > 0:19:57Do you not get birthdays after you're 75?

0:19:57 > 0:20:00- What?- Dad said to Mum that it's going to be Grandad's last birthday.

0:20:00 > 0:20:03I heard him.

0:20:03 > 0:20:05Oh, Blu Tack. Can I have this?

0:20:05 > 0:20:07Sure. Tell you what, Mickey.

0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Why don't you go check out on the puppies? See if they're OK.- Sure.

0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'm building a big...

0:20:18 > 0:20:21You've heard of cancer.

0:20:21 > 0:20:22Well, I've got that.

0:20:22 > 0:20:25But you will get better?

0:20:25 > 0:20:27Well, actually, no. They can't make me any better.

0:20:27 > 0:20:29And the treatments they've been giving me

0:20:29 > 0:20:32have been putting a terrible strain on my heart.

0:20:36 > 0:20:40But right now, right this second, I feel brilliant.

0:20:43 > 0:20:45- What is this?- It's my notebook.

0:20:47 > 0:20:53You know, Lottie, a lot of life doesn't look very good written down.

0:20:53 > 0:20:57- So cousin Kenneth is the one who took the keys?- Yeah.

0:20:57 > 0:21:01- Isn't he a naughty boy?- And where did cousin Kenneth put the keys?

0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Right. - Lost something?- BOTH: No.

0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Kenneth's been a very... - PHONE RINGS.

0:21:09 > 0:21:11- So you ready for that game of football?- Leon, hi.

0:21:11 > 0:21:13No, no, still very keen.

0:21:13 > 0:21:16- Oh, nice header. - Yeah, all right.

0:21:19 > 0:21:21Maybe your parents just lied to protect you.

0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Do you ever lie? - Well, I've told lots of lies.

0:21:24 > 0:21:26Lots and lots. I always lie to policemen.

0:21:26 > 0:21:29They say, "What speed were you going?" I say, "30mph,"

0:21:29 > 0:21:32when I was clearly doing much faster than that.

0:21:33 > 0:21:35And I don't care.

0:21:37 > 0:21:42Sometimes if your intentions are good...it's OK to lie.

0:21:42 > 0:21:46And if you don't like someone's food at someone's house and you say,

0:21:46 > 0:21:48"Oh, this is great," even though...

0:21:48 > 0:21:50That's what you do. You don't say, "My God.

0:21:50 > 0:21:52"I think I'm going to vomit here."

0:21:52 > 0:21:56What your saying is, it's OK to lie to some people sometimes?

0:21:56 > 0:22:00Yeah, it's also good fun. For instance.

0:22:00 > 0:22:03See if we can find him in here. George Judd.

0:22:04 > 0:22:07There he is. That's him there.

0:22:07 > 0:22:10We told him there was an elephant leech clinging to his bollocks.

0:22:10 > 0:22:13He got such a fright he completely fainted.

0:22:14 > 0:22:16Is that you?

0:22:16 > 0:22:18- No, I'm the wee one.- Who's that?

0:22:19 > 0:22:21Eh...

0:22:23 > 0:22:25How could I forget?

0:22:25 > 0:22:28Dip me in vinegar and call me a fish supper.

0:22:28 > 0:22:32I have here a chocolate model of the Alps.

0:22:32 > 0:22:33Ta-da!

0:22:35 > 0:22:37He's weaving his magic!

0:22:38 > 0:22:40He's clean through.

0:22:40 > 0:22:43- Foul! - Oh, come on. I hardly touched you.

0:22:43 > 0:22:44And so it begins.

0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Kenneth, your ball!- Oh!

0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Oh, for Christ's sake, Kenneth! - Gavin, please.

0:22:49 > 0:22:51What is wrong with you? Crying out loud.

0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Come on.- Mickey, this is your ball!

0:22:53 > 0:22:54I'm a Berserker!

0:22:54 > 0:22:57Can you stop being a Berserker...! Ah! Ow!

0:22:57 > 0:22:59- And England are rattled. - I'm not England!

0:22:59 > 0:23:01You're so English you're practically French.

0:23:01 > 0:23:05Oh, no! I think I see a marauding Berserker.

0:23:05 > 0:23:07Help! Oh!

0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Oh! That would have killed me... - I've killed you!

0:23:09 > 0:23:11..if I didn't move my heart at the last minute to the other side.

0:23:11 > 0:23:13- Thank goodness. - You can't.- Yes, you can.

0:23:13 > 0:23:16When you're Scottish you've got a moveable heart.

0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Oh!- You're dead. - Jess! Jess, kick it in the goal!

0:23:18 > 0:23:20Kenneth, you spaz!

0:23:20 > 0:23:22Gavin, please!

0:23:22 > 0:23:23Get the bloody ball!

0:23:23 > 0:23:25She's going to score!

0:23:29 > 0:23:31Jess! Are you OK?

0:23:31 > 0:23:32Darling.

0:23:32 > 0:23:34I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm sorry, everyone.

0:23:34 > 0:23:37- It's all right. - I'm really, really sorry.

0:23:37 > 0:23:39- It wasn't your fault. - No. No, it WAS his fault.

0:23:39 > 0:23:40Is she OK?

0:23:40 > 0:23:43No harm done. You're all right, aren't you, darling?

0:23:43 > 0:23:45Come on, Jess, let's get you some ice cream.

0:23:45 > 0:23:47I'll make you a hot chocolate...

0:23:48 > 0:23:51I'm just going to take this penalty.

0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Did you really play for Scotland? - Aye, I did. Just the once.

0:23:54 > 0:23:56Against Cyprus.

0:23:56 > 0:24:00- Did you score?- I certainly did. A cracking header into the top corner

0:24:00 > 0:24:02of my own net.

0:24:02 > 0:24:05That's probably why you only played once.

0:24:05 > 0:24:08Nobody going to go in goal? Gavin?

0:24:08 > 0:24:11So how are you feeling?

0:24:11 > 0:24:14Really, really pissed off with this dying thing.

0:24:14 > 0:24:18Terribly, utterly, 100% pissed off.

0:24:18 > 0:24:20Like millions before me.

0:24:20 > 0:24:25You could look on the bright side, you dodged Alzheimer's.

0:24:25 > 0:24:28Gavin!

0:24:28 > 0:24:30You know, this morning I was thinking about Doug

0:24:30 > 0:24:32when he was Jess' age.

0:24:32 > 0:24:35I used to tickle him and he would go, "No, no, no!"

0:24:35 > 0:24:38And then when I was finished he would go, "More, more, more!"

0:24:38 > 0:24:41Which sums up exactly how I feel about living.

0:24:44 > 0:24:45One-all.

0:24:47 > 0:24:49Right. Time, everybody! Margaret!

0:24:53 > 0:24:56- The keys are back!- Mm-hm.

0:24:56 > 0:25:00Uncle Gavin, are you rich? This place is enormous.

0:25:00 > 0:25:03Er, no. Comfortable.

0:25:03 > 0:25:05This isn't actually...

0:25:05 > 0:25:09This is owned by my company, not by me, so I use like a tax wrapper...

0:25:09 > 0:25:13- Are you like a tax man?- No, no. I...- What is your actual job then?

0:25:13 > 0:25:15Well, I have an interest in a fund.

0:25:15 > 0:25:17So you're a banker.

0:25:17 > 0:25:19No, no. I work with the banks.

0:25:19 > 0:25:21Dad said, "Bankers are scum."

0:25:21 > 0:25:25- Hm.- Did I say...? Well, I might have done, yeah.

0:25:25 > 0:25:28Would you ever thought that you would own this house

0:25:28 > 0:25:30- if you were not a banker? - I'm not a banker.

0:25:30 > 0:25:33Yeah, Gav, what is your actual job?

0:25:33 > 0:25:35- What is scum? - I use money to make money.

0:25:35 > 0:25:38- That doesn't make sense. - Margaret!- That does not make sense.

0:25:38 > 0:25:41When will we ever get this answer out of you?

0:25:41 > 0:25:45- I'm giving you the answer. - Is it going to be the 12th of July?

0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Enough.- OK. I'm a short seller.

0:25:48 > 0:25:49You sell shorts?

0:25:49 > 0:25:51You're a short sailor?

0:25:51 > 0:25:53Not a short sailor.

0:25:53 > 0:25:55A short seller.

0:25:55 > 0:25:58Your friends, do they sell shoes, socks, hair pieces?

0:25:58 > 0:26:01What sort of a millionaire are you?

0:26:01 > 0:26:03OK. I've got lots of money. OK?

0:26:03 > 0:26:06Lots of money. I've got shares. I've got property. I've got gold.

0:26:06 > 0:26:09I've got lots of money. Can we just...?

0:26:09 > 0:26:11MARGARET!

0:26:11 > 0:26:14HE PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC PIECE

0:26:24 > 0:26:27If this has got another two minutes we're going to get obese.

0:26:27 > 0:26:31I can even feel myself getting obese now.

0:26:31 > 0:26:34Sweetie, that's...

0:26:34 > 0:26:36This is killing me.

0:26:36 > 0:26:39Right now, do you realise this is killing me?

0:26:39 > 0:26:42You should have told me about Grandad.

0:26:42 > 0:26:44- I'm sorry.- Tsk, tsk, tsk.

0:26:45 > 0:26:47You and Mum need to stop lying.

0:26:50 > 0:26:52APPLAUSE

0:26:54 > 0:26:57If you didn't lie so much then you'd still be together.

0:26:57 > 0:26:58Bravo!

0:26:58 > 0:27:01Then maybe Mum and you wouldn't be on the phone to a solicitor

0:27:01 > 0:27:05all night banging on about breaches and leave to remove.

0:27:05 > 0:27:08More!

0:27:10 > 0:27:12Wasn't that great?

0:27:35 > 0:27:37FAINT SCREAMING

0:27:42 > 0:27:44SOBBING

0:27:50 > 0:27:52SOBBING

0:27:53 > 0:27:56SOBBING

0:27:57 > 0:28:01- Sorry. I shouldn't have... - Kenneth! Darling.

0:28:01 > 0:28:06It's fine. This is just something women do when they get a bit older.

0:28:06 > 0:28:09It's perfectly normal.

0:28:09 > 0:28:12Just...letting off a bit of steam.

0:28:12 > 0:28:17Is this about the...incident?

0:28:17 > 0:28:18Incident?

0:28:20 > 0:28:23- What incident?- Mum, it's on YouTube.

0:28:35 > 0:28:37- Leave to remove? - I need the toilet.

0:28:41 > 0:28:44- Doug!- Leave to remove. I texted my solicitor.

0:28:44 > 0:28:45Doug, I'm dying for a pee.

0:28:45 > 0:28:48You're planning to take my children away somewhere, aren't you?

0:28:48 > 0:28:51Newcastle. OK? Newcastle. Right.

0:28:52 > 0:28:55- Now is not the time to talk about it. - Well, when is a good time?

0:28:55 > 0:28:57When I'm not on the toilet.

0:29:01 > 0:29:02Newcastle?

0:29:02 > 0:29:05- Yeah.- You're seriously going to take my children to live in Newcastle?

0:29:05 > 0:29:07I'm thinking about it.

0:29:07 > 0:29:08Have you told the kids?

0:29:08 > 0:29:11You found this? Yeah.

0:29:11 > 0:29:15I think it's a king's brooch cos it's got the Tree of Life on it.

0:29:15 > 0:29:18- Is it true you're a Viking? Cos Dad said you were.- Oh, yeah.

0:29:18 > 0:29:23A university hospital were doing DNA tests and wanted volunteers.

0:29:23 > 0:29:26And seeing they were forever taking my blood anyway,

0:29:26 > 0:29:28seems I'm 84% Viking.

0:29:30 > 0:29:32That's most of me.

0:29:40 > 0:29:41Look, come on.

0:29:41 > 0:29:43I thought we agreed that this weekend was about your dad

0:29:43 > 0:29:45and we'd put all personal issues on hold.

0:29:45 > 0:29:48- We agreed, didn't we?- Yeah. - Then unlock the bloody door.

0:29:48 > 0:29:51- How would I get to see the kids? - You would come to Newcastle.

0:29:51 > 0:29:53- What?- It's a few hours on the train. - Four hours at least.

0:29:53 > 0:29:56- Three hours, 12 minutes.- That's nearly seven hours there and back.

0:29:56 > 0:29:57Will you let me out, please?

0:29:57 > 0:30:00- Every weekend, seven hours. - I'd like to leave, please.

0:30:00 > 0:30:03No, wait, weekends'd be much worse, they do engineering work.

0:30:03 > 0:30:05- I'd spend my life on a bus-replacement service!- Let me out.

0:30:05 > 0:30:07You're just doing this out of revenge, aren't you?

0:30:07 > 0:30:10Either you behave in a mature and adult way

0:30:10 > 0:30:12or I scream "rape" out of this window.

0:30:12 > 0:30:14Oh, not that again.

0:30:16 > 0:30:18So, why did you pull the horns off your helmet?

0:30:18 > 0:30:22Cos it's historically incorrect. Viking helmets didn't have horns.

0:30:22 > 0:30:25Ah, but they didn't have two holes in them there and there, did they?

0:30:25 > 0:30:28They did if they fell off a cliff onto a stag.

0:30:28 > 0:30:29I never thought of that.

0:30:29 > 0:30:31Or if somebody threw a spear,

0:30:31 > 0:30:34it could've gone straight through the side and out the other side.

0:30:34 > 0:30:36But that would hit the helmet, though, wouldn't it?

0:30:36 > 0:30:38HE CHUCKLES

0:30:38 > 0:30:41- You know, my favourite Norse God is Odin.- Is it? Why is that?

0:30:41 > 0:30:46Because he's got these ravens called Memory and...something else.

0:30:46 > 0:30:48What did they do?

0:30:49 > 0:30:52- They're ravens. - That's a job, is it?

0:30:52 > 0:30:56- They're really dangerous.- Oh.- I pray to him sometimes.- You pray to Odin?

0:30:56 > 0:30:59Yeah, he roams the world, testing people's hospitality.

0:30:59 > 0:31:02Well, in the mortal world, we have a word for that -

0:31:02 > 0:31:04scrounging.

0:31:11 > 0:31:12Happy 75th birthday.

0:31:14 > 0:31:17MUFFLED ARGUING

0:31:19 > 0:31:23They're fine. And they don't live in different houses, by the way.

0:31:25 > 0:31:27MUFFLED SHOUTS

0:31:38 > 0:31:41I'll be running, er, well, all the important stuff.

0:31:41 > 0:31:44Margaret, I've got you on the flowers, the food, the signage

0:31:44 > 0:31:46and the cloakroom.

0:31:46 > 0:31:48Er, and the taxis.

0:31:48 > 0:31:50And the photographer.

0:31:50 > 0:31:54Doug, need you to set up the marquee for the band... Hello?

0:31:54 > 0:31:58..and set up the tables. Kenneth is on parking and coneage.

0:31:58 > 0:32:00- I'm going to West Beach with Dad and the kids.- I think not.

0:32:00 > 0:32:04- 214 guests we've got coming.- 214?

0:32:04 > 0:32:07- 215. Patsy Cameron's found a man on the internet.- Ah-ah. Too late.

0:32:07 > 0:32:10Although Jimmy Cazerotto's stuck in New Zealand on account of the ash.

0:32:10 > 0:32:12- Dad can't handle the kids on his own.- I am not senile.

0:32:12 > 0:32:15No, but... Mickey, put the puppy back.

0:32:15 > 0:32:18Dad, it is your birthday and people...

0:32:18 > 0:32:20And this is how I'd like to spend my birthday.

0:32:20 > 0:32:23- And we don't want to upset him, do we?- We'll be back by seven.

0:32:23 > 0:32:27- No... I mean, you need to be back before...- So, that's agreed, then.

0:32:27 > 0:32:29I'll take my mobile. Come on, kids.

0:32:29 > 0:32:30- Yes!- But Dad...

0:32:32 > 0:32:35Gordie, are you sure you're up...for this?

0:32:35 > 0:32:38It... Margaret says your medications make you feel...

0:32:38 > 0:32:40Oh, I'm giving the medications a rest today.

0:32:40 > 0:32:41Oh, well, is that a good...?

0:32:41 > 0:32:44No need to worry, I've carried out a risk assessment.

0:32:45 > 0:32:47No, I haven't. It's a joke.

0:32:49 > 0:32:51Remember jokes?

0:32:54 > 0:32:56CHILDREN SHOUT

0:33:11 > 0:33:13Hey!

0:33:15 > 0:33:19Are you not stopping to say hello, you miserable old bastard?

0:33:19 > 0:33:22Jesus, Doreen, can you not mind your language? They're only weans.

0:33:22 > 0:33:26- She's got animals! - What's the matter with you?

0:33:27 > 0:33:29I'm just saying, go easy on the swearing.

0:33:29 > 0:33:32They're from London - everybody swears in London.

0:33:32 > 0:33:35- Mum and Dad swear ALL the time. - Well, maybe so...

0:33:35 > 0:33:40- Mum used the C-word and the other ones.- OK, but...

0:33:40 > 0:33:44"Tell that to your poxy, effin' c-word of a solicitor,

0:33:44 > 0:33:46"you effin' b-word."

0:33:47 > 0:33:50She thought I was in the garden,

0:33:50 > 0:33:52but I was in the toilet,

0:33:52 > 0:33:55peeing very quietly by aiming for the side of the toilet,

0:33:55 > 0:33:56but not the water.

0:33:58 > 0:34:01Though I did miss a bit.

0:34:01 > 0:34:02Right.

0:34:02 > 0:34:05- She's got goats!- I'm coming.

0:34:06 > 0:34:07And pigs!

0:34:12 > 0:34:15I wonder what's in here.

0:34:16 > 0:34:17- Shall we have a look? - ALL: Whoa!

0:34:17 > 0:34:21- Look at the size of him. - They're like massive chickens!

0:34:21 > 0:34:23They look like meerkats.

0:34:23 > 0:34:24Only with no arms.

0:34:25 > 0:34:28I'm going to race one.

0:34:28 > 0:34:32You've got an escapee charging about like a loony down by the burn.

0:34:32 > 0:34:34That'll be Wiggins.

0:34:35 > 0:34:38- How you feeling today?- Oh, I'm fine.

0:34:38 > 0:34:40It's one of my good days.

0:34:40 > 0:34:43You are such a crap actor.

0:34:43 > 0:34:44Come on!

0:34:44 > 0:34:48Call yourself ostriches? I'm a lion. Come on, race me.

0:34:48 > 0:34:50Raaargh!

0:34:50 > 0:34:53So, this came out of an ostrich's bottom?

0:34:53 > 0:34:55That's why they're so bad-tempered.

0:34:55 > 0:34:59Could you get an ostrich egg and push it back up its bottom?

0:34:59 > 0:35:03No, I don't think so, because you'd have to hold the ostrich still

0:35:03 > 0:35:05and nobody is going to volunteer for that.

0:35:05 > 0:35:08I reckon you could get it halfway up the crack

0:35:08 > 0:35:09and you could push it up...

0:35:09 > 0:35:13- If you caught it halfway, you think you could push it back up?- Yes.

0:35:13 > 0:35:15Well, next time one of them is going to lay, I'll get in touch with you.

0:35:15 > 0:35:18One little push like... Like a volleyball.

0:35:19 > 0:35:21Right.

0:35:21 > 0:35:25Look, I know your mum and dad are going through a difficult time.

0:35:25 > 0:35:27So, you know what's happening to them?

0:35:27 > 0:35:29Yeah, I put two and two together.

0:35:29 > 0:35:33So you know that they're getting divorced?

0:35:33 > 0:35:35Well, no, I... I didn't know that.

0:35:37 > 0:35:42Look, Lottie, people sometimes change, but they still love you -

0:35:42 > 0:35:43both of them.

0:35:43 > 0:35:46You'll see. They'll muddle through this eventually.

0:35:46 > 0:35:48Dad had an affair.

0:35:48 > 0:35:52- Right, er...- With a Paralympic athlete lady with one foot.

0:35:52 > 0:35:56I probably don't need to know all the details.

0:35:56 > 0:35:58Do you look after all these ostriches on your own?

0:35:58 > 0:36:01- No, Morag helps me. - Who's Morag?- She's my girlfriend.

0:36:01 > 0:36:06- Oh, for goodness' sake.- What?- You could have said friend.- Girlfriend?

0:36:06 > 0:36:09- BOYS have girlfriends.- See? Now we have to explain the whole thing.

0:36:09 > 0:36:11Fine. I'll explain.

0:36:13 > 0:36:15Do you know what a lesbian is?

0:36:15 > 0:36:18- Is it someone from Lesbia? - That's right!

0:36:18 > 0:36:21I am from the magical kingdom of Lesbia.

0:36:21 > 0:36:24You're just going to confuse them even more.

0:36:24 > 0:36:26Margaret!

0:36:26 > 0:36:30There's a wrong apostrophe on the toilet signage!

0:36:30 > 0:36:31What the hell?

0:36:31 > 0:36:34- Newcastle? That's... - Newcastle is a vibrant, growing city

0:36:34 > 0:36:37with...with...with a great... public transport hub.

0:36:37 > 0:36:39Yeah, but it's hundreds of miles...

0:36:39 > 0:36:41The Tyne is the best salmon river in Britain

0:36:41 > 0:36:44- and otters have been seen in Gateshead.- Abi, please, listen.

0:36:44 > 0:36:47- There's lots of castles.- Eh? - Around Newcastle. Kids love castles.

0:36:47 > 0:36:51There's Bamburgh Castle, Dunstanburgh, Alnwick, Holy Island.

0:36:51 > 0:36:53Is this job with the Newcastle tourist board?

0:36:53 > 0:36:56- I'm just saying, it... It...- Abi, please.

0:36:56 > 0:36:58Please, don't take them away.

0:37:01 > 0:37:03Margaret needs this heather.

0:37:05 > 0:37:07Margaret.

0:37:07 > 0:37:08Margaret!

0:37:21 > 0:37:26- Grandad, your mobile's turned off. - Aye, that's the way I like it.

0:37:26 > 0:37:29And the batteries are dead, just to make sure.

0:37:29 > 0:37:33Oh, just look at that. Look at it.

0:37:37 > 0:37:39HE FARTS

0:37:39 > 0:37:42- Bless you.- Lovely manners.

0:37:42 > 0:37:44Can we drive for a bit?

0:37:44 > 0:37:47- Don't be stupid, Mickey. Kids can't...- Yes, you can drive.

0:37:47 > 0:37:49Mickey, toot the horn.

0:37:49 > 0:37:51Jess, you're the lookout.

0:37:51 > 0:37:54- Stick your head out the window and shout, "Look out!"- Look out!

0:37:54 > 0:37:57- Lottie, you steer. - ENGINE REVS

0:37:57 > 0:37:59What? I can't... I can't...

0:37:59 > 0:38:02When I press this pedal on the floor, that makes it go,

0:38:02 > 0:38:04- then it's down to you.- What?

0:38:07 > 0:38:09Left a bit. Left a bit.

0:38:09 > 0:38:11- But it's not allowed! I'm ten! I'm not insured!- I don't care.

0:38:11 > 0:38:12ENGINE REVS

0:38:12 > 0:38:13THEY SHOUT

0:38:13 > 0:38:17That's good. Left, that's lovely.

0:38:17 > 0:38:19I don't think this...

0:38:19 > 0:38:21You need to live more and think less.

0:38:21 > 0:38:23More right, more right...

0:38:23 > 0:38:24Oh!

0:38:24 > 0:38:25- Lottie!- Well done!

0:38:25 > 0:38:28- I've been trying to hit that for years.- What did it say?

0:38:28 > 0:38:30It said "Do not let children drive."

0:38:30 > 0:38:33# Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim?

0:38:33 > 0:38:35# Yes, my darling daughter

0:38:35 > 0:38:37# Watch the boys don't see your bum

0:38:37 > 0:38:39# Keep it well under the water... #

0:38:39 > 0:38:42KIDS JOIN IN # Mother, can I go out to swim?

0:38:42 > 0:38:44# Yes, my darling daughter

0:38:44 > 0:38:46# Watch the boys don't see your bum

0:38:46 > 0:38:48# Keep it well under the water

0:38:48 > 0:38:50# Watch the boys don't see your bum

0:38:50 > 0:38:52# Keep it well under the water. #

0:38:52 > 0:38:53Yay!

0:38:53 > 0:38:55Woo-hoo!

0:38:55 > 0:38:57We might see a killer whale.

0:38:57 > 0:38:59CHILDREN SCREAM EXCITEDLY

0:39:19 > 0:39:21Don't go on those rocks!

0:39:24 > 0:39:27I found a pebble!

0:39:41 > 0:39:43Is it nice being a lesbian?

0:39:44 > 0:39:46What the hell are you asking me for?

0:39:46 > 0:39:50I suppose it must be, otherwise they wouldn't be one, would they?

0:39:51 > 0:39:54How do people know what they are?

0:39:54 > 0:39:56They just kind of find out.

0:39:56 > 0:40:02We all find out eventually what we are, then the world has to lump it.

0:40:02 > 0:40:06- Can lesbians make babies? - Er... Well, er...

0:40:06 > 0:40:09Why don't you nip over there and get some wood for the fire

0:40:09 > 0:40:11at the old Viking burial mound?

0:40:11 > 0:40:14- There's a Viking burial mound? - Yep, so they say.

0:40:15 > 0:40:18That's where I found the brooch.

0:40:26 > 0:40:28Are you OK, Grandad?

0:40:28 > 0:40:30Aye, indigestion, princess.

0:40:31 > 0:40:34- I've had it all my life. Don't chew enough.- Grandad!

0:40:34 > 0:40:36I've lost my pebble.

0:40:38 > 0:40:40Right.

0:40:44 > 0:40:46I'll race you!

0:40:46 > 0:40:48Look at the jellyfish!

0:40:52 > 0:40:54Is this official?

0:40:54 > 0:40:55Is what official?

0:40:55 > 0:40:58What it says on this rock.

0:40:58 > 0:41:01"Keep off! F&G's beach."

0:41:01 > 0:41:03Oh, God.

0:41:03 > 0:41:06I carved that. Well, I helped.

0:41:06 > 0:41:09Actually I didn't do all that much, I was only small.

0:41:09 > 0:41:13- Frazer did most of it.- Who's Frazer?

0:41:13 > 0:41:16- He was my big brother, he died in the war.- In Afghanistan?

0:41:16 > 0:41:19No, he was fighting a very stupid man called Hitler

0:41:19 > 0:41:23- who wanted to take everybody's land. - Like Monopoly.- Aye.

0:41:23 > 0:41:28Just like Monopoly, except with more screaming.

0:41:28 > 0:41:31Anyway, Frazer used to bring me here, taught me how to swim.

0:41:31 > 0:41:34- How did he die?- Well, someone made a terrible mistake.

0:41:34 > 0:41:38- A pilot thought Frazer's platoon were Germans.- Where's he buried?

0:41:38 > 0:41:42- He isn't buried anywhere. - I know about dying.

0:41:42 > 0:41:48- Right.- Cos of Bambi's mum and Babar's dad and Simba's dad

0:41:48 > 0:41:50and Nigel.

0:41:50 > 0:41:52Our next door neighbour.

0:41:52 > 0:41:55- I don't think this IS my pebble. - Oh, it definitely is.

0:41:55 > 0:41:59I'd recognise it anywhere. Let's go, little beavers. More driftwood.

0:42:04 > 0:42:08- Can we bury you, Grandad? - Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere.

0:42:08 > 0:42:10I definitely don't want to be buried, thank you.

0:42:10 > 0:42:13- Not even when you die?- Jess!

0:42:13 > 0:42:16Well, that's what happens when someone dies, you bury them

0:42:16 > 0:42:19and then everyone eats cake. That's right, isn't it, Grandad?

0:42:19 > 0:42:21Absolutely, sweetheart.

0:42:21 > 0:42:24And I've never seen the point of funerals myself.

0:42:24 > 0:42:27Nice people all standing around in the kirk while the priest

0:42:27 > 0:42:30tells a pack of lies about what a great man you were.

0:42:30 > 0:42:32Nah, put me out with the recycling.

0:42:32 > 0:42:35Purple bin, isn't it, for plastics and dead grandads?

0:42:35 > 0:42:37HE LAUGHS

0:42:37 > 0:42:40Come on, it's only a joke!

0:42:40 > 0:42:43No, if I had to choose a kind of funeral,

0:42:43 > 0:42:46just give me a good old Viking funeral like my ancestors.

0:42:46 > 0:42:49Just stick me in a burning boat and float me out to sea.

0:42:51 > 0:42:52No stupid family fights,

0:42:52 > 0:42:56no stupid rows about who gets what or who does what.

0:42:57 > 0:42:59Just a warrior's farewell.

0:42:59 > 0:43:02Can we go out and catch some fish to cook it?

0:43:02 > 0:43:06Yeah, get some crabs while you're there.

0:43:06 > 0:43:08There are sandwiches in the pick-up, aren't there?

0:43:08 > 0:43:11Yeah, but you can't hunt sandwiches, can you?

0:43:11 > 0:43:15- The water won't be cold, will it, Grandad?- Course not!

0:43:15 > 0:43:18It's only the North Atlantic, why on Earth would it be cold?

0:43:18 > 0:43:20THEY CHEER

0:43:20 > 0:43:24THEY SCREAM It's freezing!

0:43:24 > 0:43:26HE LAUGHS

0:43:26 > 0:43:28You lied to us!

0:43:35 > 0:43:39- Look, you've got to pat it down like this.- I'm decorating it.

0:43:39 > 0:43:41That's after.

0:43:41 > 0:43:43Are you OK back there?

0:43:43 > 0:43:47Aye, I'm grand apart from sand up my arse.

0:43:47 > 0:43:51Oh, look. Look up there, it's the osprey.

0:43:51 > 0:43:54- Aw, look at that.- It's just a bird.

0:43:54 > 0:43:5917 years she's been coming back, flown all the way from Africa.

0:43:59 > 0:44:04You can't really lay an egg in Africa cos you'll get a fried egg.

0:44:04 > 0:44:07- How far is Africa? - About eight million miles away.

0:44:07 > 0:44:09That's rubbish, isn't it, Grandad?

0:44:14 > 0:44:16Hey, Grandad.

0:44:16 > 0:44:18Perhaps he's asleep.

0:44:21 > 0:44:23Grandad?

0:44:29 > 0:44:30Grandad?

0:44:30 > 0:44:32- Argh! - SHE SCREAMS

0:44:32 > 0:44:36- Grandad, that wasn't funny. - Well, it was quite funny.

0:44:36 > 0:44:40- No, it wasn't. - It was funnier than monkeys!

0:44:45 > 0:44:47Mum and Dad lie so much.

0:44:47 > 0:44:49I just don't trust them any more.

0:44:50 > 0:44:51They make me so angry.

0:44:52 > 0:44:55Well, I used to feel like that about my lot too

0:44:55 > 0:44:59until I suddenly realised there was no point in being angry with people

0:44:59 > 0:45:01I loved for being what they are.

0:45:01 > 0:45:05I mean so what if your dad's a complete and utter bloody shambles?

0:45:05 > 0:45:09Or your Uncle Gavin's a bit of a tight-arse?

0:45:09 > 0:45:10All that social climbing.

0:45:10 > 0:45:12He can't help himself...

0:45:12 > 0:45:17any more than his wife can help being scared of her own shadow.

0:45:17 > 0:45:20Or your mum can help being a bit mouthy.

0:45:20 > 0:45:23The truth is every human being on this planet

0:45:23 > 0:45:26is ridiculous in their own way.

0:45:26 > 0:45:29So we shouldn't judge and we shouldn't fight

0:45:29 > 0:45:31because in the end...

0:45:33 > 0:45:35In the end...

0:45:35 > 0:45:39none of it matters, none of this stuff.

0:45:41 > 0:45:43Lottie, this shell's got legs!

0:45:43 > 0:45:45It's OK, it'll be a hermit crab.

0:46:18 > 0:46:20Frazer...

0:46:20 > 0:46:22What are you doing here?

0:46:24 > 0:46:26Oh...

0:46:26 > 0:46:28I get it.

0:46:28 > 0:46:31You coming in for a swim, you big Mary?

0:46:56 > 0:46:58Hey, Grandad, can we cook this crab

0:46:58 > 0:47:00or will it be unfair on the beach?

0:47:00 > 0:47:03Cos I can put it back if you want or...

0:47:05 > 0:47:09Oh, Grandad, stop mucking around!

0:47:09 > 0:47:11I'm not falling for that again.

0:47:24 > 0:47:28Lottie, there's something not right with Grandad.

0:47:30 > 0:47:33Oh, he's just doing that stupid joke again.

0:47:33 > 0:47:34Come on, Grandad.

0:47:40 > 0:47:42Grandad?

0:47:43 > 0:47:45Grandad?

0:47:45 > 0:47:46Grandad?

0:47:48 > 0:47:50I think he might be dead.

0:48:00 > 0:48:03He's not breathing.

0:48:04 > 0:48:05I'm going to check his pulse.

0:48:07 > 0:48:09They taught us this in Brownies.

0:48:27 > 0:48:30Grandad's got no pulse and...

0:48:30 > 0:48:33better get back to tell everyone he's died.

0:48:33 > 0:48:38Such bad luck. Dying just before your birthday party.

0:48:38 > 0:48:41Come on, the grown-ups will know what to do.

0:48:41 > 0:48:43- They'll just argue.- Eh?

0:48:43 > 0:48:46They'll argue and fight, like Grandad said.

0:48:47 > 0:48:49And he said he didn't want that.

0:48:49 > 0:48:55If we leave him, he might get eaten by badgers and seals and puffins.

0:48:55 > 0:48:58You go back, Lottie, we'll stay here and guard Grandad.

0:48:58 > 0:49:01You sure you'll be OK with that?

0:49:01 > 0:49:03Well, that's very brave and grown-up of you.

0:49:03 > 0:49:06Do you think it'll be all right if I can have the Swiss roll?

0:49:06 > 0:49:09- I think that'll be all right. - We won't eat Grandad's.

0:49:09 > 0:49:10Just in case.

0:49:10 > 0:49:12I won't be long. Be sensible!

0:49:33 > 0:49:36I read in a newspaper article that said

0:49:36 > 0:49:40when people had stopped breathing, when people's hearts stopped,

0:49:40 > 0:49:43they die and then when they die,

0:49:43 > 0:49:45they felt themselves leave their bodies

0:49:45 > 0:49:49and they find themselves hovering over their own bodies

0:49:49 > 0:49:52and looking down on people.

0:50:08 > 0:50:10You said it was going to be a small family gathering.

0:50:10 > 0:50:12- It's more like bloody Glastonbury! - Exaggerating...

0:50:12 > 0:50:15Just parading Dad in front of Sir Donald and all that lot. "Meet my daddy..."

0:50:15 > 0:50:18- Dad knows these people.- You should just give him what he wants!

0:50:18 > 0:50:20He's very ill! He doesn't know what he wants, OK?

0:50:20 > 0:50:21We have to make decisions for him.

0:50:21 > 0:50:24- Well...- You wouldn't know about that, would you, right?

0:50:24 > 0:50:26- Cos you're never here.- Oh...

0:50:26 > 0:50:29- This is going to be a reasonable sized gathering...- Oh, right(!)

0:50:29 > 0:50:32- ..to celebrate Dad's life.- And where have you booked for the funeral -

0:50:32 > 0:50:35- Westminster Abbey? The O2 Arena? - Shush! Yeah, Leon, I'm just...

0:50:35 > 0:50:37Who's that? Oh, Leon!

0:50:37 > 0:50:40GEORDIE ACCENT: "My kid's new dad. Oh! Hello, Leon."

0:50:40 > 0:50:41You pathetic child!

0:50:41 > 0:50:43- Mum...- For your information, Leon is my new boss.

0:50:43 > 0:50:47The man I'm screwing is called Wallace.

0:50:47 > 0:50:50Wallace? Do the kids know?

0:50:50 > 0:50:52- I'll tell them when it's time. - Does he have a dog called Gromit?

0:50:52 > 0:50:54Here come the stupid jokes...

0:51:04 > 0:51:06LOTTIE BREATHES HEAVILY

0:51:08 > 0:51:10FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:51:25 > 0:51:27DOOR SHUTS

0:51:45 > 0:51:48- She ate Grandad's Swiss roll! - I didn't mean to.

0:51:48 > 0:51:51- It was an accident.- It wasn't an accident.- Does it matter?

0:51:51 > 0:51:54- Where are the grown-ups? - LOTTIE SIGHS

0:51:54 > 0:51:56Fighting. Mickey was right.

0:51:56 > 0:51:59They can't be trusted to do what Grandad wanted.

0:51:59 > 0:52:00So we're going to do it.

0:52:00 > 0:52:04- We're going to give him the funeral he wanted.- The Viking one?

0:52:04 > 0:52:07- Yeah.- Cool. - Where will we find a Viking boat?

0:52:08 > 0:52:13There's one in York, but I'm not sure the museum will lend it to us

0:52:13 > 0:52:15if we tell them we're going to burn it.

0:52:15 > 0:52:17Right, now listen, we've all got to work together.

0:52:17 > 0:52:21- This is our present to Grandad. - Shotgun the matches.

0:52:22 > 0:52:23SEAGULLS SQUAWK

0:52:25 > 0:52:27Margaret!

0:52:31 > 0:52:32MICKEY STRAINS

0:52:35 > 0:52:37That's drop-off point B. Turn around.

0:52:41 > 0:52:45So, it won't be a proper Viking longboat then?

0:52:45 > 0:52:47- No, it will be a raft. - But how are we going to move it?

0:52:47 > 0:52:51- We'll put it in Grandad's car. - But we can't drive.

0:52:51 > 0:52:52Yes, we can.

0:52:56 > 0:52:59Mickey, you push the pedal and I'll do the wheel.

0:52:59 > 0:53:01ENGINE STARTS UP

0:53:01 > 0:53:04I think we need to do something with this.

0:53:04 > 0:53:08- Which one should I do? One, two, three, or R?- One.

0:53:08 > 0:53:12I think we should go with R, because we want the car to go...

0:53:12 > 0:53:14Rrrr!

0:53:14 > 0:53:15I'm going to do one.

0:53:15 > 0:53:18Do you think we'll get into trouble for this?

0:53:18 > 0:53:20I think the grown-ups might be annoyed at first,

0:53:20 > 0:53:22but once we tell them this is what Grandad wanted...

0:53:22 > 0:53:24GEARS CRUNCH Do the pedal again!

0:53:26 > 0:53:28ENGINE REVS

0:53:29 > 0:53:32This car sounds a bit annoyed.

0:53:32 > 0:53:35- How's that?- Do I go left or right?

0:53:35 > 0:53:36Right.

0:53:36 > 0:53:37No!

0:53:37 > 0:53:39OK.

0:53:39 > 0:53:41I'm not wearing a seat belt!

0:53:41 > 0:53:42JESS LAUGHS

0:53:44 > 0:53:47- A bit more. Turn a bit harder.- Argh!

0:53:47 > 0:53:48Is that better?

0:53:53 > 0:53:55How are we going to get that in the back?

0:53:57 > 0:53:59I've used every knot I know back there.

0:53:59 > 0:54:01Grandad said the tide's coming in.

0:54:01 > 0:54:05- So if we leave the car at the edge of the sea...- Whoa! This is bumpy.

0:54:08 > 0:54:09Jess, shout when it's at the edge.

0:54:11 > 0:54:12Edge!

0:54:12 > 0:54:15ENGINE GROWLS

0:54:15 > 0:54:16Ugh!

0:54:16 > 0:54:18- Oh, for God's sake.- Yay, we did it!

0:54:18 > 0:54:21- Do you think we should lock it?- Yes.

0:54:21 > 0:54:22We don't want it getting stolen.

0:54:24 > 0:54:27To be a proper Viking funeral,

0:54:27 > 0:54:30it's crucial that you need to take his favourite things to Heaven.

0:54:30 > 0:54:31I thought of that.

0:54:35 > 0:54:38Oh, his Scotland shirt. Brilliant.

0:54:38 > 0:54:39GORDIE FARTS

0:54:42 > 0:54:44- Grandad!- He's alive.

0:54:44 > 0:54:45Grandad. Wake up!

0:54:45 > 0:54:49- Come on, Grandad.- Grandad, wake up. - Grandad, Grandad!

0:54:49 > 0:54:51Grandad.

0:54:52 > 0:54:54Come on.

0:54:58 > 0:55:00He's cold.

0:55:03 > 0:55:06I think people do farts after they're dead.

0:55:06 > 0:55:10I saw it on this programme called The Real...

0:55:10 > 0:55:12Silent Witness.

0:55:12 > 0:55:13This woman said so.

0:55:15 > 0:55:16Are you sure?

0:55:16 > 0:55:19She was wearing a white coat and she said,

0:55:19 > 0:55:21"Dead people are full of gas."

0:55:24 > 0:55:25I'm scared.

0:55:27 > 0:55:29It's OK.

0:55:29 > 0:55:30It's only Grandad.

0:55:33 > 0:55:37He sort of died in battle, cos he was fighting cancer,

0:55:37 > 0:55:40so we'll give him a warrior's funeral.

0:56:04 > 0:56:06THEY STRAIN

0:56:10 > 0:56:11BIRDS TWITTER

0:56:14 > 0:56:16I didn't think this would work.

0:56:16 > 0:56:18Well, it worked at Stonehenge.

0:56:18 > 0:56:24Druids moved huge rocks, not grandads. So, well done, my brain.

0:56:26 > 0:56:28I so can't wait to go back to school,

0:56:28 > 0:56:32when we get to write about what I did on our half term.

0:56:32 > 0:56:35But I bet Shona has done something more interesting,

0:56:35 > 0:56:37like she always has.

0:56:59 > 0:57:00Goodbye.

0:57:02 > 0:57:03You were nice.

0:57:07 > 0:57:09Please accept my pebble.

0:57:28 > 0:57:30We are gathered here

0:57:30 > 0:57:32to remember Gordie McLeod.

0:57:33 > 0:57:35I'm sorry you died, Grandad.

0:57:37 > 0:57:39I liked having someone to talk to.

0:57:43 > 0:57:45Have a good Valhalla.

0:57:47 > 0:57:48Amen.

0:58:20 > 0:58:22He'd be so proud of us.

0:58:53 > 0:58:55We can do folk rock, we can do country,

0:58:55 > 0:58:57we can do country folk rock,

0:58:57 > 0:58:59indie folk rock...

0:58:59 > 0:59:03Oh, my goodness! Where have you been?

0:59:03 > 0:59:06- We need...- I told Grandad seven o'clock. Oh, you're all mucky!

0:59:06 > 0:59:09- Come on, bath time.- But... - Come on, you lot!

0:59:09 > 0:59:11Did I mention bluegrass? We could do bluegrass,

0:59:11 > 0:59:13but not quite so fast, since Billy had his stroke.

0:59:13 > 0:59:15Chop chop, party's starting soon.

0:59:15 > 0:59:17- I've laid your clothes out on the bed upstairs.- Grandad died.

0:59:19 > 0:59:20- What?- Grandad died.

0:59:20 > 0:59:23- Oh, crikey, guys. What time do you call this? We...- Doug.

0:59:23 > 0:59:26They're saying Gordie's died.

0:59:26 > 0:59:27Alleluia.

0:59:27 > 0:59:30At last, so what have you done with your grandad then, eh?

0:59:30 > 0:59:31- Well...- He died.

0:59:33 > 0:59:34On the beach.

0:59:34 > 0:59:37- OK, I'm on it. - Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have...

0:59:37 > 0:59:39It is all right, love. Let's just find out...

0:59:39 > 0:59:42Yes, ambulance quickly, please. Lottie, where exactly is Grandad now?

0:59:42 > 0:59:43Out at sea.

0:59:46 > 0:59:47Out at sea?

0:59:47 > 0:59:48And on fire.

0:59:50 > 0:59:53He wanted a Viking funeral.

0:59:53 > 0:59:55So we built a raft, put the body on it,

0:59:55 > 0:59:58set it on fire and floated him out to sea.

0:59:58 > 1:00:00Can you hold on a sec?

1:00:00 > 1:00:04Lottie, stop being silly. Just tell us, where is Grandad?

1:00:04 > 1:00:07GAVIN SIGHS This is a wind-up.

1:00:07 > 1:00:08He's put you up to this, hasn't he?

1:00:08 > 1:00:11This is one of Grandad's stupid jokes, isn't it?

1:00:11 > 1:00:14Well, he did do it as a joke, to pretend to die. But this time...

1:00:14 > 1:00:15it's not a joke.

1:00:17 > 1:00:18- TELEPHONE:- "Hello?"

1:00:18 > 1:00:20Yes, yes, we're just getting the details,

1:00:20 > 1:00:23if you could just show us a little bit of patience.

1:00:23 > 1:00:26I know that you're going to tell me exactly what happened.

1:00:26 > 1:00:31- Well, I found lots of wood and I found lots of crabs...- Right.

1:00:31 > 1:00:34..I lost my rock, at the end of the day I found it...

1:00:34 > 1:00:36But what happened to Grandad?

1:00:36 > 1:00:40There was a lady with a girlfriend that lived with lots of pigs...

1:00:40 > 1:00:43- After the lady...- ..She sweared a lot.- ..back to Grandad.

1:00:43 > 1:00:45It is vital that you tell the truth.

1:00:45 > 1:00:47We do tell the truth! GAVIN: Guys, could you keep it down.

1:00:47 > 1:00:49Nothing to do with the fish, or the crab,

1:00:49 > 1:00:51or your stones, sweetie - where is Grandad?

1:00:51 > 1:00:54- If you listen, I'll tell you the story.- I know, darling, but faster.

1:00:54 > 1:00:56So, will you listen?

1:00:56 > 1:00:59- Mm-hm.- Grandpa farted...- Oh...

1:00:59 > 1:01:03Yes, yes, we do still need an ambulance. And the police.

1:01:03 > 1:01:06And possibly the coastguard.

1:01:06 > 1:01:09No, we don't need the fire brigade, and I don't appreciate your tone.

1:01:09 > 1:01:11Well, he is on fire.

1:01:11 > 1:01:13Quickly now.

1:01:13 > 1:01:15- I found some fishes... - Yeah, after...

1:01:15 > 1:01:18- ...Lottie knocked over some...signs. - What happened next?

1:01:18 > 1:01:22Yes, it is an emergency, we just don't know what sort of emergency.

1:01:22 > 1:01:26- And then?- I stopped the crows from eating Grandpa.

1:01:26 > 1:01:31- OK.- I'm perfectly aware that it is a criminal offence to make prank calls!

1:01:31 > 1:01:32But...

1:01:32 > 1:01:35She's hung up! 999 has hung up!

1:01:35 > 1:01:37Do we still have to have a bath?

1:01:37 > 1:01:40- Erm...no.- Yay!

1:01:40 > 1:01:44Car keys! Where the bloody hell are the car keys?!

1:01:44 > 1:01:46We'll take ours.

1:01:46 > 1:01:48MARGARET: Okey-dokey.

1:01:48 > 1:01:52Now then, I have some very important cake-tasting needs done.

1:01:52 > 1:01:54Do I have any volunteers to help me with that?

1:02:01 > 1:02:03THUNDER RUMBLES

1:02:09 > 1:02:12HE PANTS

1:02:51 > 1:02:53You stupid...!

1:02:53 > 1:02:55Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin!

1:02:55 > 1:02:57Whoa, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right!

1:02:57 > 1:03:00- HE YELLS - All right, all right, all right.

1:03:00 > 1:03:02HE SOBS

1:03:10 > 1:03:14BAND TUNES UP

1:03:15 > 1:03:17Two, three, four.

1:03:17 > 1:03:20BAND PLAYS UPBEAT FOLK TUNE

1:03:31 > 1:03:35I don't believe this. This is a bloody nightmare.

1:03:35 > 1:03:37Sir Donald. Glad you could make it.

1:03:37 > 1:03:39A bloody total nightmare.

1:03:39 > 1:03:41- Huey.- Gavin, you all right?

1:03:41 > 1:03:43Good to see you.

1:03:43 > 1:03:45I'm bloody...

1:03:45 > 1:03:47- Gavin, language. The children. - Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

1:03:47 > 1:03:50So they can't hear the word "bloody" but they can set fire to my father.

1:03:50 > 1:03:53- We didn't hurt him. He was dead. - Let's hope so, eh?

1:03:53 > 1:03:55Oh, for Christ's sake!

1:03:55 > 1:03:58Well, someone best break it to the ones who've arrived.

1:03:58 > 1:04:01- We just did what Grandad wanted. - He didn't want this.

1:04:01 > 1:04:04He wanted to be cremated. And don't bloody say it, cos I'm looking for

1:04:04 > 1:04:06- someone to punch and your children are too small.- Enough!

1:04:06 > 1:04:08THEY ARGUE

1:04:14 > 1:04:15Odin.

1:04:18 > 1:04:21Excuse me. Excuse me.

1:04:21 > 1:04:24- Er... - GLASS TINKLES

1:04:27 > 1:04:29Thank you all for coming.

1:04:29 > 1:04:32Gordie would be pleased to see so many of his friends

1:04:32 > 1:04:33gathered together.

1:04:35 > 1:04:37Except, sadly...

1:04:37 > 1:04:40Gordie can't be pleased because...

1:04:42 > 1:04:45..he passed away. Today.

1:04:45 > 1:04:47MURMURING

1:04:47 > 1:04:49We think.

1:04:49 > 1:04:54W-w-w-we're fairly certain...he has.

1:04:57 > 1:05:01Anyway, I know you won't feel like dancing, but...

1:05:01 > 1:05:04do please have a drink and make yourselves at home.

1:05:04 > 1:05:07Jimmy Cazerotto?

1:05:07 > 1:05:08Margaret!

1:05:08 > 1:05:10We thought you were stuck in New Zealand...

1:05:10 > 1:05:12So where is the old bastard? Eh?

1:05:14 > 1:05:16Jimmy, I'm Abi.

1:05:16 > 1:05:18What?!

1:05:24 > 1:05:27BAND PLAYS FOLK TUNE

1:05:44 > 1:05:47Where's Kenneth? He's supposed to be...

1:05:47 > 1:05:48Aha!

1:05:48 > 1:05:50You took your time, Murdo.

1:05:50 > 1:05:54It's Andy Mackay's stag night. A dwarf got thrown through a window.

1:05:54 > 1:05:58- This is Agnes Chisolm. - From the Child Welfare Unit.

1:05:58 > 1:06:00I'll require a room for interviews.

1:06:00 > 1:06:04I found this child outside. Unaccompanied.

1:06:04 > 1:06:06Yeah. That's my son.

1:06:08 > 1:06:09Thank you.

1:06:09 > 1:06:12Why have they called the police? We've done nothing wrong.

1:06:12 > 1:06:14Please do exactly as I ask.

1:06:14 > 1:06:17There is a procedure for this kind of situation.

1:06:17 > 1:06:20- There is?- Oh, yes.

1:06:20 > 1:06:22So he's at peace.

1:06:22 > 1:06:24At...at peace.

1:06:24 > 1:06:26Can I see him one last time?

1:06:28 > 1:06:32I've come all the way from New Zealand, you know.

1:06:32 > 1:06:35I'm afraid that's not possible, Jimmy.

1:06:35 > 1:06:38It's not - not - possible...

1:06:43 > 1:06:45Sir Donald.

1:06:45 > 1:06:47Very sorry about this, Sir Donald.

1:06:49 > 1:06:51He was fine this morning.

1:06:51 > 1:06:54And...we think - we think...

1:06:54 > 1:06:56that's what happened.

1:06:56 > 1:07:00- But obviously that's... - That's what?

1:07:02 > 1:07:05- WHISPERING:- Con-fi-den-tial.

1:07:05 > 1:07:10- SHOUTS:- That the kids burnt his body and floated him out to sea?

1:07:10 > 1:07:12SILENCE DESCENDS

1:07:19 > 1:07:23Er...yes, well. The kids, erm...

1:07:23 > 1:07:25They're from London.

1:07:27 > 1:07:30So, thank you for that, Jess, and if it's OK with you

1:07:30 > 1:07:34I'll just keep this lovely drawing I asked you to do of the three of you

1:07:34 > 1:07:37setting fire to your grandpa.

1:07:37 > 1:07:40- Do you want to put it on your fridge?- No. That's not...

1:07:40 > 1:07:46There wasn't exactly a unicorn on the beach but I just got bored.

1:07:46 > 1:07:48Perhaps we could hang on to the picture.

1:07:48 > 1:07:52It'll be returned to you when the investigation's completed.

1:07:52 > 1:07:56- Can I go now? Cos I was halfway through a Cheese String.- OK.

1:08:00 > 1:08:05So, she holds her breath quite often, does she?

1:08:08 > 1:08:11WIND HOWLS

1:08:22 > 1:08:24So, Mickey,

1:08:24 > 1:08:28the idea for the "special funeral"

1:08:28 > 1:08:30who did that come from?

1:08:30 > 1:08:31Odin.

1:08:33 > 1:08:36- Odin.- He walks the Earth with one eye...- Mickey...

1:08:36 > 1:08:38..a big hat and an eight-legged horse.

1:08:38 > 1:08:41Disguised as a traveller to see if people's nice to him.

1:08:41 > 1:08:43- And he's here now.- So...

1:08:43 > 1:08:45Odin,

1:08:45 > 1:08:46the Norse god,

1:08:46 > 1:08:47is currently here...

1:08:47 > 1:08:50MUFFLED: ..with an eight-legged horse?

1:08:56 > 1:08:59BAND PLAYS

1:08:59 > 1:09:02Ach, sod it, lads. Let's call it a day.

1:09:12 > 1:09:14Kenneth! Kenneth!

1:09:14 > 1:09:16Where the hell is he?

1:09:19 > 1:09:22Is this an effective use of police resources?

1:09:22 > 1:09:25Shouldn't you be out looking for evidence of my father?

1:09:25 > 1:09:27- We havenae got a submarine.- Oh!

1:09:27 > 1:09:29HE CHUCKLES

1:09:29 > 1:09:31Jokes, is it now?

1:09:31 > 1:09:33Make it bigger!

1:09:33 > 1:09:36- Bigger!- Don't stress, I'm trying!

1:09:36 > 1:09:39- This isn't cats.- It's something Kenneth's been watching.

1:09:39 > 1:09:41Don't just press buttons at random.

1:09:47 > 1:09:50MURMURING

1:09:50 > 1:09:53- MAN:- Is that the YouTube thing?

1:09:53 > 1:09:56See, I've thought of a joke. A very funny joke. Yeah.

1:09:58 > 1:10:02I make an official complaint... to your Chief Superintendent,

1:10:02 > 1:10:04who happens to be a friend of mine.

1:10:04 > 1:10:09Who happens to be in my house right now as a guest! So...

1:10:13 > 1:10:17So, Lottie, when your grandad passed away...

1:10:19 > 1:10:20Ten to four.

1:10:20 > 1:10:23Approximately.

1:10:23 > 1:10:25That's a pretty wee notebook.

1:10:25 > 1:10:28What sort of things do you put in that?

1:10:28 > 1:10:32Thoughts. Facts. Information.

1:10:32 > 1:10:36- Lies that I get told. - Could I possibly have a look at that?

1:10:41 > 1:10:44- Do you think I could hang on to this for a bit?- Is that really necessary?

1:10:44 > 1:10:48What would - why would...? Why would you need to hang on to it?

1:10:48 > 1:10:51You're not thinking of removing us anywhere, are you?

1:10:51 > 1:10:55Don't be silly, darling, this lady's not here to do that. Are you?

1:10:55 > 1:10:58At this stage, I'm just making an assessment.

1:11:04 > 1:11:07MURMURING

1:11:11 > 1:11:14PEOPLE GASP AND GIGGLE

1:11:14 > 1:11:18- I take it you hadn't seen this, Mr McLeod?- No charges were brought.

1:11:18 > 1:11:21No, the staff at the minimart were very good about it.

1:11:21 > 1:11:26Everyone, you know, understood that your wife was...you know,

1:11:26 > 1:11:29adversely affected by her medication.

1:11:30 > 1:11:32Medication?

1:11:32 > 1:11:35Yeah. You know, the antidepressants.

1:11:35 > 1:11:37For the depression.

1:11:40 > 1:11:42It's not your night, is it?

1:11:45 > 1:11:48Who fancies a dram?

1:11:48 > 1:11:50I'm taking orders.

1:11:50 > 1:11:53I've got Glengoyne or Glenmorangie.

1:11:56 > 1:12:00- It's finished. I'll play it again. - Oh, for Christ's sake! Kids!

1:12:07 > 1:12:09Everything all right?

1:12:09 > 1:12:13Please don't go anywhere without notifying me, will you?

1:12:24 > 1:12:26Has something happened?

1:12:45 > 1:12:48CUTLERY SCRAPES

1:12:48 > 1:12:51Why is the knives and forks so loud?

1:12:52 > 1:12:54Oh!

1:12:54 > 1:13:00- Have you ever read Lottie's notebook?- No. Have you?- No.

1:13:00 > 1:13:02Well, not much.

1:13:02 > 1:13:04She writes down everything.

1:13:04 > 1:13:06Hey. Sleep OK, sweetheart?

1:13:09 > 1:13:12And now Intervention Woman's got it.

1:13:12 > 1:13:15- "Intervention Woman"?- Yeah, that's the word she keeps using.

1:13:17 > 1:13:20- I think maybe we should get a lawyer.- Another lawyer?

1:13:20 > 1:13:22Yeah, well, they've been great at calming things down(!)

1:13:22 > 1:13:25The important thing is not to antagonise her.

1:13:25 > 1:13:27- We just need to be...- Good morning.

1:13:27 > 1:13:29- Morning.- Morning.

1:13:29 > 1:13:31Jesus! No! No!

1:13:31 > 1:13:32CLAMOURING

1:13:32 > 1:13:34God's sake, Kenneth!

1:13:34 > 1:13:38CLAMOURING

1:13:38 > 1:13:40How did they find us so fast?!

1:13:40 > 1:13:42It'll be that bloody Donny Mackay.

1:13:42 > 1:13:44CLAMOURING

1:13:44 > 1:13:46He'll do anything to fill his bloody guest house.

1:13:46 > 1:13:48CLAMOURING

1:13:48 > 1:13:49Oh, leave it. What's the point?

1:13:49 > 1:13:52No-one gets to keep any secrets any more.

1:13:52 > 1:13:53You can say that again.

1:13:53 > 1:13:57No-one gets to keep any secrets any more.

1:13:57 > 1:14:00DOORBELL RINGS Bloody vultures!

1:14:00 > 1:14:03Why can't Scotland have a law of trespass like a real country?

1:14:03 > 1:14:06Oh, no. It's Little Miss Sunshine.

1:14:06 > 1:14:10- Right.- Oh, Christ, just be... - Be what?- Just be...

1:14:10 > 1:14:11you know...

1:14:16 > 1:14:20- I came through the back lane to evade all the media.- Oh, well, thank you.

1:14:22 > 1:14:25- May I come in?- Of course.- Why?

1:14:25 > 1:14:28- I'm sorry?- Why do you want to come in?- Abi...

1:14:28 > 1:14:30- I need more information. - What sort of information?

1:14:30 > 1:14:35- Information to help assess which of the range of outcomes...- Outcomes?

1:14:35 > 1:14:38- What outcomes?- Outcomes, Abi.

1:14:38 > 1:14:41- A range of outcomes from intervention to...- There, she said it.

1:14:41 > 1:14:44I could involve the police in this conversation.

1:14:44 > 1:14:46You can come in when I get an assurance that there is

1:14:46 > 1:14:49- no possibility of you taking away my kids.- Abi...

1:14:49 > 1:14:54- As I was in the process of saying... - I'll take that as a no, then.- Abi!

1:14:54 > 1:14:57Jesus. Look at this.

1:14:57 > 1:14:59Look at it! Look!

1:14:59 > 1:15:03- Front page of the Daily Mail as well.- Yeah, OK, thank you, Kenneth.

1:15:03 > 1:15:05- And the Express. - Yeah, Kenneth, that's enough.

1:15:05 > 1:15:08- "Feral Children Sacrifice..." - Kenneth, we can do without the bloody

1:15:08 > 1:15:11- rolling bulletin! Thank you! - We need to deal with this.

1:15:11 > 1:15:14- It's not helpful.- I'm just trying to be helpful and informative.

1:15:14 > 1:15:16FLY BUZZES Kenneth! Kenneth!

1:15:22 > 1:15:24Look, Gavin,

1:15:24 > 1:15:26about the supermarket episode...

1:15:26 > 1:15:29There's nothing...helpful to be said about that.

1:15:33 > 1:15:37- Ah. I was wondering...- I'd like my notebook back, please.- I'm sorry,

1:15:37 > 1:15:41Lottie. I'm only permitted to talk to you in an interview situation.

1:15:41 > 1:15:45Actually, could I just nip in and use your phone for a moment?

1:15:49 > 1:15:51HE SPEAKS JAPANESE

1:15:51 > 1:15:52SHE SPEAKS FRENCH

1:15:52 > 1:15:55..but the Prime Minister has tweeted that the incident is

1:15:55 > 1:15:58the symptom of a broken society...

1:15:58 > 1:15:59HE SIGHS

1:15:59 > 1:16:03Don't worry, Dad. I told you, Odin will sort all of this out.

1:16:03 > 1:16:05You didn't see Odin.

1:16:05 > 1:16:09Miss Pringle said she saw Jesus, and if she can see Jesus I can see Odin.

1:16:09 > 1:16:12For Christ's sake, you didn't see Odin! There is no Odin.

1:16:12 > 1:16:14This is the real world.

1:16:14 > 1:16:18- We're on television! - HE GROANS

1:16:18 > 1:16:21'..the media are gathering. The three children from this family,

1:16:21 > 1:16:24- 'who cannot be named for legal reasons...'- Oh!

1:16:24 > 1:16:27'..inside the house. The police...'

1:16:27 > 1:16:32'..we can only confirm that the body of a man in his mid 70s was...

1:16:33 > 1:16:38'..destroyed and floated out to sea, possibly with some valuable...'

1:16:38 > 1:16:40TV OFF PHONE RINGS

1:16:40 > 1:16:41Hi, there.

1:16:41 > 1:16:43I forgot to put the brooch in my drawing.

1:16:43 > 1:16:44KENNETH: Yes, it was.

1:16:44 > 1:16:48- Brooch?- Grandad's Viking brooch. We put it on the raft.

1:16:48 > 1:16:51All Vikings went to Valhalla with their treasure.

1:16:51 > 1:16:55- You morons!- Well, that's just rude!

1:16:55 > 1:16:58- You stupid... stupid little... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's enough.

1:16:58 > 1:17:01They've destroyed a family heirloom.

1:17:01 > 1:17:03- Dad found it.- It's worth £15,000.

1:17:03 > 1:17:05- 15,000?- Had it valued.

1:17:05 > 1:17:09- Oh, I get it.- What's that supposed to mean?- Thinking ahead, were we?

1:17:09 > 1:17:12- Doug...- Thought we'd keep that evaluation secret, eh?

1:17:12 > 1:17:13Just keep it nice and quiet.

1:17:13 > 1:17:15Till after we divided up Dad's things, maybe?

1:17:15 > 1:17:18- I was going to announce it. As a surprise for his birthday.- Please!

1:17:18 > 1:17:20I'm glad he's not here to listen to this.

1:17:20 > 1:17:23He probably would be here if it wasn't for your mental kids.

1:17:23 > 1:17:26- It is not the kids' fault. - That's right!- It's his.- What?

1:17:26 > 1:17:28Lottie came back, she tried to get us to listen and you were too busy

1:17:28 > 1:17:31having another bloody argument with your stupid brother!

1:17:31 > 1:17:34- I really don't think this is getting us anywhere.- Just go...

1:17:34 > 1:17:37- chuck a pumpkin!- Hey, that's enough. - Well, it's not enough, is it?!

1:17:37 > 1:17:39- Enough is enough!- You slimy...

1:17:39 > 1:17:41Stop! Stop it now!

1:17:41 > 1:17:44This is exactly what Grandad said would happen.

1:17:44 > 1:17:46He wanted a Viking funeral

1:17:46 > 1:17:48so it would give you all less to fight about.

1:17:48 > 1:17:52He said no-one should fight because, at the end of the day,

1:17:52 > 1:17:58it doesn't matter if Uncle Gavin's a tight-arse and Dad's a shambles

1:17:58 > 1:18:01and Mum's a bit mouthy and Auntie Margaret's...

1:18:03 > 1:18:05..something or other.

1:18:05 > 1:18:08He said you mustn't mind about that in the people you love.

1:18:08 > 1:18:11Because... Because we're all...

1:18:11 > 1:18:14ridiculous. And none of this matters.

1:18:14 > 1:18:16Erm...

1:18:16 > 1:18:18Well, I'm sorry, Gavin. Shouldn't have said all that stuff.

1:18:18 > 1:18:20No, no. It was me.

1:18:22 > 1:18:26- I was being a...- Listen, kids, I'm really sorry but some...

1:18:27 > 1:18:32Sometimes when adults get a little bit upset they just become a...

1:18:32 > 1:18:34Where's Mickey?

1:18:34 > 1:18:36He's on there!

1:18:36 > 1:18:39- 'I'm fed up of being stuck inside. I've come out to explain.'- Jesus!

1:18:39 > 1:18:42No comment! Tell them no comment!

1:18:42 > 1:18:43..cos this is the real world.

1:18:43 > 1:18:46- Well, Grandad stopped breathing and then...- Mickey!

1:18:46 > 1:18:48CLAMOURING

1:18:48 > 1:18:50Thank you. You best go back inside, mate, OK?

1:18:50 > 1:18:51I was just trying to explain everything.

1:18:51 > 1:18:54- Yeah, I know, but... - As it's all our fault,

1:18:54 > 1:18:57I thought it might stop the shouting.

1:18:58 > 1:19:01No, it's not all your fault. Nothing is your fault.

1:19:03 > 1:19:06You head inside, go on.

1:19:06 > 1:19:08CLAMOURING

1:19:08 > 1:19:10'We have no comment to make at this stage.'

1:19:10 > 1:19:12- Yep. Straight back.- You were on TV.

1:19:12 > 1:19:15I'm sorry, we have no comment to make at this juncture.

1:19:15 > 1:19:17REPORTERS CLAMOUR

1:19:17 > 1:19:19Except to say...

1:19:19 > 1:19:21you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

1:19:21 > 1:19:23- What's he doing?- 'You're a disgrace to your profession.'

1:19:23 > 1:19:25Don't provoke them.

1:19:25 > 1:19:27You people have guidelines, don't you? My son is six years old!

1:19:27 > 1:19:30- Then why is he wandering about alone?- He was...

1:19:30 > 1:19:32We have no further comment.

1:19:32 > 1:19:35Why were young children left in the care of an elderly, sick man?

1:19:35 > 1:19:37FEMALE REPORTER: Mr McLeod, over here.

1:19:37 > 1:19:41'Well, we did...we did deliberate over that.'

1:19:41 > 1:19:42Walk away, man!

1:19:42 > 1:19:44CLAMOURING

1:19:44 > 1:19:46Is your divorce affecting your children?

1:19:46 > 1:19:48No...

1:19:48 > 1:19:50Your divorce caused by your affair.

1:19:50 > 1:19:52Is it true social services are involved?

1:19:52 > 1:19:55Do you take responsibility for the actions of your children?

1:19:55 > 1:19:58Do you feel you've failed as a father, Mr McLeod?

1:20:00 > 1:20:02Sorry, what?

1:20:02 > 1:20:04Do you feel you've failed as a father?

1:20:04 > 1:20:05Well, I'm not sure that...

1:20:07 > 1:20:09I mean...

1:20:09 > 1:20:12it's true that I've certainly made...

1:20:12 > 1:20:15My husband is a good and loving father.

1:20:15 > 1:20:17We have no further comments.

1:20:17 > 1:20:19Would you describe your marriage as dysfunctional?

1:20:19 > 1:20:22Oh, the magic word, "dysfunctional."

1:20:22 > 1:20:23Yeah.

1:20:23 > 1:20:25Yeah, fine. Fine, we're dysfunctional.

1:20:25 > 1:20:26She's doing it now.

1:20:26 > 1:20:29If you mean that by dysfunctional that we're two average people

1:20:29 > 1:20:31who've made a few mistakes

1:20:31 > 1:20:33'and are trying very hard to muddle through

1:20:33 > 1:20:36'while trying our utmost to protect and nurture'

1:20:36 > 1:20:39our three fantastic children -

1:20:39 > 1:20:42- 'Jess, Mickey and Lottie.' - Yes, name check.

1:20:42 > 1:20:44Yay!

1:20:44 > 1:20:46Yes, we are dysfunctional. Thank you.

1:20:46 > 1:20:48JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR

1:20:50 > 1:20:52Bravo, Abi.

1:20:52 > 1:20:55Well done, Abi. Certainly put them in their place.

1:21:07 > 1:21:09Has something else happened?

1:21:21 > 1:21:22I've learnt my lesson.

1:21:22 > 1:21:25Next time I'm with someone who's died on the beach,

1:21:25 > 1:21:29I'll tell an adult and I won't set fire to them.

1:21:29 > 1:21:31- Very sensible.- Cheers.

1:21:34 > 1:21:37- It's nice that Mickey... - I've said no to the Newcastle job.

1:21:39 > 1:21:41Did you?

1:21:41 > 1:21:43Yeah.

1:21:43 > 1:21:44Thanks.

1:21:48 > 1:21:51Well, I've decided I don't need a solicitor.

1:21:51 > 1:21:53I know, my solicitor told me.

1:21:53 > 1:21:55- Already?- Yep.

1:21:55 > 1:21:57She said it gave me a huge advantage.

1:21:57 > 1:22:00She used the phrase, "easy meat."

1:22:01 > 1:22:02I'm going to get rid of her.

1:22:04 > 1:22:06Let's do this humanely.

1:22:08 > 1:22:09Hmm.

1:22:09 > 1:22:11OK, everybody.

1:22:11 > 1:22:13Everyone, if you could just gather round.

1:22:15 > 1:22:17Sorry the midges are out in their hordes.

1:22:17 > 1:22:19This is...

1:22:19 > 1:22:21Over here, guys.

1:22:21 > 1:22:24Lottie, I'm not sure there's any actual real evidence

1:22:24 > 1:22:27that Vikings actually buried their dead

1:22:27 > 1:22:31by burning them and floating them out to sea.

1:22:31 > 1:22:33Mickey...

1:22:33 > 1:22:36never, ever say that out loud again.

1:22:39 > 1:22:40GAVIN: Over here. Thanks.

1:22:42 > 1:22:44My brother Doug is going to say a few words.

1:22:54 > 1:22:55(Thank you.)

1:22:56 > 1:22:58Thanks for coming.

1:22:58 > 1:23:00Well done for shaking off the reporters.

1:23:00 > 1:23:02CHUCKLING

1:23:02 > 1:23:06The press have portrayed my father's death as a disgrace.

1:23:07 > 1:23:09But what better way to die could he have had...

1:23:13 > 1:23:15..than on his favourite beach...

1:23:20 > 1:23:23- VOICE BREAKING:- ..watching the grandchildren that he loved play...

1:23:25 > 1:23:27..play...?

1:23:28 > 1:23:29DOUG SIGHS

1:23:31 > 1:23:34I don't know what Dad would have made of all this.

1:23:36 > 1:23:37Actually, I do.

1:23:37 > 1:23:39He'd have laughed himself stupid.

1:23:41 > 1:23:45He'd have laughed at everyone turning up for his party except for him.

1:23:45 > 1:23:47He'd have laughed at the authorities

1:23:47 > 1:23:49trying to find the relevant form to fill in.

1:23:49 > 1:23:50CHUCKLING

1:23:50 > 1:23:54He'd certainly have laughed at Margaret's starring role on YouTube.

1:23:55 > 1:23:594,458,207 hits at last count.

1:24:01 > 1:24:03Three of them mine.

1:24:03 > 1:24:04CHUCKLING

1:24:06 > 1:24:09And me. He'd have laughed at me. A lot.

1:24:09 > 1:24:13And my main regret, apart from not having a bit more time with Dad,

1:24:13 > 1:24:17is that he couldn't see us all running round like idiots.

1:24:19 > 1:24:22I'm sure many of you believe that he can see us,

1:24:22 > 1:24:26but for my part I think death is it.

1:24:26 > 1:24:28I think... I think life...

1:24:30 > 1:24:34This life's all you get, and Gordie McLeod had a hell of a life.

1:24:35 > 1:24:37And so should we.

1:24:37 > 1:24:39Cos that's all death's good for -

1:24:39 > 1:24:41it's to give us a kick up the arse and say,

1:24:41 > 1:24:44"Get on with it, and love those around you."

1:24:46 > 1:24:51And now, my wonderful son Kenneth is going to play something.

1:24:55 > 1:24:57HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

1:24:57 > 1:24:59No, play something he'd like.

1:25:01 > 1:25:02Go mental.

1:25:04 > 1:25:06HE PLAYS UPBEAT FOLK TUNE

1:25:57 > 1:25:58CHEERING

1:26:00 > 1:26:02He lives in that and then he walks around in it.

1:26:02 > 1:26:04That keeps his back end all safe.

1:26:04 > 1:26:05THEY LAUGH

1:26:05 > 1:26:08- So he doesn't show his bottom. - Exactly. He doesn't show his bottom.

1:26:08 > 1:26:09He keeps it in a shell.

1:26:09 > 1:26:11Can we do that with a large shell?

1:26:11 > 1:26:14Listen, kids. We...

1:26:14 > 1:26:18Dad and me, we just wanted to...to say something.

1:26:18 > 1:26:22We know that we've not behaved very well recently, and...

1:26:23 > 1:26:26- Well, we just wanted to say sorry. - That's right.

1:26:29 > 1:26:34While we'll still be living apart in different houses, we...

1:26:35 > 1:26:38From now on, we're going to behave like grown-ups.

1:26:40 > 1:26:42Oh!

1:26:42 > 1:26:44- Argh! - THEY LAUGH

1:26:44 > 1:26:46Inappropriate behaviour!

1:26:46 > 1:26:48Lottie, write that down in your book.

1:26:48 > 1:26:50I've chucked the book away.

1:26:52 > 1:26:54I don't think I'll need it any more.

1:26:58 > 1:27:00SHRIEKS

1:27:15 > 1:27:18Get him. Go get Dad.

1:27:18 > 1:27:19Come on, then!

1:27:20 > 1:27:22MUSIC: You In The Sky by The Waterboys

1:27:25 > 1:27:27# Thou alone which art

1:27:31 > 1:27:33# You in the sky

1:27:36 > 1:27:40# I wanna know why clouds

1:27:40 > 1:27:43# Come in between

1:27:43 > 1:27:45# You and I

1:27:48 > 1:27:52# Thou alone which art

1:27:55 > 1:27:57# You in the sky

1:28:00 > 1:28:06# I wanna know why clouds come in between

1:28:06 > 1:28:08# You and I

1:28:12 > 1:28:15# Thou art beautiful

1:28:19 > 1:28:21# And I am gifted

1:28:25 > 1:28:29# When in thy precious presence

1:28:29 > 1:28:33# I am lifted

1:28:48 > 1:28:50# Let me know you

1:28:55 > 1:28:57# Coming to me

1:29:00 > 1:29:03# Open up my heart

1:29:03 > 1:29:07# And sing your song right through me

1:29:12 > 1:29:14# Let me know you... #