Keith at the Controls

0:00:03 > 0:00:06This programme contains very strong language.

0:00:06 > 0:00:09This is a bootleg television wake-up call.

0:00:09 > 0:00:11Do not adjust your set.

0:00:11 > 0:00:14Repeat, do not adjust your set.

0:00:14 > 0:00:17Normal service will not be resumed.

0:00:17 > 0:00:19Welcome to the permanent night shift.

0:00:20 > 0:00:25Keith Richards at the controls, calling all night owls and hipsters.

0:00:25 > 0:00:27This is a reality hacking incident.

0:00:27 > 0:00:31For the next nine hours, you're invited to ride with me

0:00:31 > 0:00:33through the night and out the other side.

0:00:33 > 0:00:36A random night flight across uncharted airwaves.

0:00:36 > 0:00:39Fasten your safety belts - the weekend starts here.

0:00:47 > 0:00:50Ready Steady Go! I'm going to play it.

0:00:50 > 0:00:54After all, we were virtually the house band on that show.

0:01:03 > 0:01:07# Sitting in my bedroom late last night

0:01:10 > 0:01:13# Got into bed and turned out the light

0:01:16 > 0:01:19# Decided to call my baby on the telephone

0:01:22 > 0:01:25# All I got was an engaged tone

0:01:25 > 0:01:26# It's off the hook

0:01:28 > 0:01:30# It's off the hook

0:01:31 > 0:01:33# It's off the hook

0:01:34 > 0:01:36# It's off the hook

0:01:38 > 0:01:39# It's off the hook

0:01:47 > 0:01:50# Talking so long she upset my mind

0:01:54 > 0:01:57# Why is she talking such a long time?

0:02:00 > 0:02:03# Maybe she's sleeping Maybe she's ill

0:02:06 > 0:02:09# Phone's disconnected, unpaid bill

0:02:09 > 0:02:10# It's off the hook

0:02:12 > 0:02:13# It's off the hook

0:02:15 > 0:02:16# It's off the hook

0:02:18 > 0:02:19# It's off the hook

0:02:21 > 0:02:22# It's off the hook

0:02:31 > 0:02:34# Don't want to see her Afraid of what I'd find

0:02:37 > 0:02:40# Tired of letting her upset me all the time

0:02:43 > 0:02:47# Back into bed Started reading my books

0:02:49 > 0:02:52# Take my phone right off of the hook

0:02:52 > 0:02:54# It's off the hook

0:02:55 > 0:02:57# It's off the hook

0:02:59 > 0:03:00# It's off the hook

0:03:02 > 0:03:03# It's off the hook

0:03:05 > 0:03:06# It's off the hook

0:03:08 > 0:03:09# It's off the hook

0:03:11 > 0:03:12# It's off the hook

0:03:14 > 0:03:16# It's off the hook

0:03:17 > 0:03:19# It's off the hook

0:03:21 > 0:03:22# It's off the hook. #

0:03:22 > 0:03:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:03:37 > 0:03:39# I am the little red rooster

0:03:40 > 0:03:42# Too lazy to crow for day

0:03:49 > 0:03:51# I am the little red rooster

0:03:53 > 0:03:56# Too lazy to crow for day

0:04:05 > 0:04:07# Keep everything in the farmyard

0:04:09 > 0:04:12# Upset in every way

0:04:22 > 0:04:24# The dogs begin to bark

0:04:25 > 0:04:28# Hounds begin to howl

0:04:35 > 0:04:36# Dogs begin to bark

0:04:38 > 0:04:41# Hounds begin to howl

0:04:51 > 0:04:53# Watch out, strange cat people

0:04:54 > 0:04:57# Little red rooster's on the prowl

0:05:04 > 0:05:06# If you see my little red rooster

0:05:09 > 0:05:12# Please drive him home

0:05:19 > 0:05:21# If you see my little red rooster

0:05:24 > 0:05:27# Please drive him home

0:05:37 > 0:05:39# Ain't had no peace in the farmyard

0:05:41 > 0:05:43# Since my little red rooster's been gone. #

0:06:23 > 0:06:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:06:25 > 0:06:27It happened so quickly

0:06:27 > 0:06:31and it happened over a matter of, actually, six weeks

0:06:31 > 0:06:37that the Rolling Stones became suddenly THE Rolling Stones.

0:06:37 > 0:06:40And it happened to be on a tour and I'm working...

0:06:41 > 0:06:43..with, like, heroes.

0:06:43 > 0:06:46I'm working with Little Richard, Bo Diddley...

0:06:47 > 0:06:49..the Everly Brothers and...

0:06:51 > 0:06:54..I can't believe I'm on the same stage with these cats, you know?

0:06:54 > 0:06:55And I'm still learning the game.

0:06:55 > 0:06:57And I'm playing with...

0:06:58 > 0:07:00..cats I've been listening to

0:07:00 > 0:07:04and, like, trying to figure out them chords and their moves and the...

0:07:06 > 0:07:09And they're so professional, you know?

0:07:09 > 0:07:11And we'd just come out of the clubs.

0:07:11 > 0:07:15We don't know what the hell we're doing and we're just banging away.

0:07:15 > 0:07:21But over the six weeks of that tour, we suddenly became,

0:07:21 > 0:07:22you know, the bee's knees...

0:07:24 > 0:07:26..to the point where the Everly Brothers...

0:07:26 > 0:07:29And the last show was at the Albert Hall

0:07:29 > 0:07:30and the Everly Brothers said,

0:07:30 > 0:07:33"Listen, you guys, you finish the show."

0:07:33 > 0:07:37It was just the speed of the way it happened.

0:07:37 > 0:07:41I'm sure, probably, the Beatles will tell you the same thing.

0:07:41 > 0:07:44You know, the ones that are left. It's overwhelming, but...

0:07:45 > 0:07:46..you've got another gig to do.

0:07:46 > 0:07:48You're learning every day, you know?

0:07:48 > 0:07:52You're learning this game and nobody's been there before,

0:07:52 > 0:07:56so there's nobody to tell you, you know, "Oh, this is what you do."

0:07:56 > 0:07:58Like, it's a phenomenon.

0:08:00 > 0:08:03This is a little Stones special that we did for Ready Steady Go!.

0:08:03 > 0:08:05Hello. Yes.

0:08:05 > 0:08:07Well, the thing that I miss about Ready Steady Go!...

0:08:07 > 0:08:09Stop screaming, boys.

0:08:09 > 0:08:10..is the miming.

0:08:10 > 0:08:13And we haven't had any miming competitions for a long time,

0:08:13 > 0:08:15but here we've got a new lot from Leighton Buzzard,

0:08:15 > 0:08:17who are going to do their best for you.

0:08:17 > 0:08:18I Got You, Babe.

0:08:23 > 0:08:26# They say we're young and we don't know

0:08:26 > 0:08:31# We won't find out until we grow

0:08:32 > 0:08:36# Well, I don't know if all that's true

0:08:36 > 0:08:40# Cos you got me and, baby, I got you

0:08:42 > 0:08:44# Babe

0:08:45 > 0:08:47# I got you, babe

0:08:48 > 0:08:50# I got you, babe

0:08:52 > 0:08:55# They say our love won't pay the rent

0:08:55 > 0:08:59# Before it's earned our money's all been spent

0:09:02 > 0:09:05# I guess that's so We don't have a plot

0:09:05 > 0:09:09# But at least I'm sure of all the things we've got

0:09:11 > 0:09:13# Babe

0:09:14 > 0:09:16# I got you, babe

0:09:17 > 0:09:19# I got you, babe

0:09:20 > 0:09:22# I got flowers

0:09:24 > 0:09:26# In the spring

0:09:28 > 0:09:32# I got you to wear my ring

0:09:34 > 0:09:38# And when I'm sad, you're a clown

0:09:40 > 0:09:47# And if I get scared you're always around

0:09:47 > 0:09:50# Don't let them say your hair's too long

0:09:50 > 0:09:55# Cos I don't care With you I can't go wrong

0:09:57 > 0:10:00# Then put your little hand in mine

0:10:00 > 0:10:05# There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb

0:10:06 > 0:10:07# Babe

0:10:09 > 0:10:11# I got you, babe

0:10:13 > 0:10:14# I got you, babe

0:10:23 > 0:10:26# I got you to hold my hand

0:10:26 > 0:10:29# I got you to understand

0:10:29 > 0:10:33# I got you to walk with me

0:10:33 > 0:10:36# I got you to talk with me

0:10:36 > 0:10:39# I got you to kiss goodnight

0:10:39 > 0:10:42# I got you to hold me tight

0:10:42 > 0:10:45# I got you, I won't let go

0:10:45 > 0:10:49# I got you to love me so

0:10:49 > 0:10:50# Babe

0:10:54 > 0:11:00# I got you, babe. #

0:11:04 > 0:11:07# You may talk all about me

0:11:08 > 0:11:11# And scandalise my name, oh, no

0:11:11 > 0:11:14# But deep down inside me, baby

0:11:14 > 0:11:16# I know I'm your only man

0:11:18 > 0:11:21# So don't worry about me, baby

0:11:21 > 0:11:23# Cos I'm right here at home

0:11:24 > 0:11:26# Oh, baby, oh, baby

0:11:29 > 0:11:31# We got a good thing going

0:11:34 > 0:11:37# So maybe I knew her

0:11:37 > 0:11:39# Once upon a time

0:11:41 > 0:11:43# But that's all in the past, babe

0:11:43 > 0:11:47# Baby, let me know you're mine All mine, all mine

0:11:50 > 0:11:52# No matter how she wants me

0:11:54 > 0:11:56# I'm not going nowhere, oh, no

0:11:56 > 0:11:59# I'm gonna stick right here, baby

0:12:00 > 0:12:02# I know how much you care

0:12:04 > 0:12:07# So don't worry about me, baby

0:12:07 > 0:12:08# Cos I'm right here at home

0:12:08 > 0:12:12# Oh, baby, oh, baby

0:12:15 > 0:12:17# We got a good thing going. #

0:12:21 > 0:12:24Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

0:12:24 > 0:12:25Thank you.

0:12:25 > 0:12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:12:28 > 0:12:31We are 18, and within a matter of months,

0:12:31 > 0:12:35suddenly, you know, women are trying to tear your clothes off.

0:12:35 > 0:12:38And in actual fact, they almost killed me a couple of times.

0:12:38 > 0:12:42And also, killing themselves. They're jumping off of balconies.

0:12:42 > 0:12:46I said, "This is not quite what I had in mind..."

0:12:50 > 0:12:52GIRLS SCREAM

0:12:54 > 0:12:59The only thing that you could hear, just shrieking teenage female...

0:13:01 > 0:13:03And it's very impressive.

0:13:03 > 0:13:06SHRIEKING

0:13:06 > 0:13:08I can handle one at a time, you know?

0:13:08 > 0:13:10But 3,000...

0:13:11 > 0:13:13I'm still recovering, man.

0:13:15 > 0:13:16It is really a mystery.

0:13:16 > 0:13:18You never unlock this key.

0:13:18 > 0:13:21If it wasn't for Charlie Watts, I wouldn't be here.

0:13:21 > 0:13:25Without that beat, it wouldn't have worked.

0:13:25 > 0:13:27It would have just been another rock and roll band.

0:13:27 > 0:13:31What it does, of course, is, like, bonds guys together.

0:13:31 > 0:13:33I mean, suddenly, you're just in this little bunch

0:13:33 > 0:13:36and everybody's sort of going bananas over you.

0:13:36 > 0:13:39You really rely on each other.

0:13:39 > 0:13:43Mick and I and Charlie, especially, were, you know, tight.

0:13:43 > 0:13:46Brian went very quickly off the handle.

0:13:46 > 0:13:51But you've got to rely on each other a lot, you know?

0:13:51 > 0:13:54MAN: Some of these motorists will be kicking themselves when they learn

0:13:54 > 0:13:57they missed the chance of a lifetime of getting to know them.

0:13:57 > 0:14:00And it's all ground-breaking stuff, boys.

0:14:01 > 0:14:04Nobody's taken over a network before.

0:14:04 > 0:14:06So we'll see how it flies.

0:14:08 > 0:14:11EERIE ORGAN MUSIC

0:14:11 > 0:14:12THUNDERCLAP

0:14:12 > 0:14:14WOMAN SCREAMS

0:14:16 > 0:14:18MAN LAUGHS EVILLY

0:14:18 > 0:14:21WOMAN SCREAMS

0:14:21 > 0:14:22THUNDERCLAP, SCREAMING

0:14:22 > 0:14:23EVIL LAUGHTER

0:14:23 > 0:14:25THUNDERCLAP

0:14:25 > 0:14:27SCREAMING

0:14:27 > 0:14:29EVIL LAUGHTER

0:14:29 > 0:14:31THUNDERCLAP

0:14:41 > 0:14:43Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

0:14:43 > 0:14:45Tonight, through the medium of the animated cartoon,

0:14:45 > 0:14:47we present a murder mystery

0:14:47 > 0:14:49condensed from authentic criminal records.

0:14:49 > 0:14:51It is my sincere purpose

0:14:51 > 0:14:54in exposing the brutal killer involved in this horrible case

0:14:54 > 0:14:58to prove to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that crime does not pay.

0:15:00 > 0:15:02Our story opens on a dark and stormy night...

0:15:02 > 0:15:05THUNDERCLAP

0:15:13 > 0:15:18EERIE ORGAN MUSIC

0:15:33 > 0:15:35Hm, yay-yay yesssss.

0:15:35 > 0:15:38If this picture is anything like the book,

0:15:38 > 0:15:41I get bumped off.

0:15:45 > 0:15:48Hm, why...this is terrible.

0:15:48 > 0:15:50I can't die at 11:30.

0:15:54 > 0:15:56HIS TEETH CHATTER

0:15:56 > 0:15:59CLOCK CHIMES REPEATEDLY

0:16:00 > 0:16:03At the sound of the gun,

0:16:03 > 0:16:06it will be exactly 12 o'clock.

0:16:08 > 0:16:09DOOR HINGES CREAK

0:16:10 > 0:16:14LOUD BANGS

0:16:14 > 0:16:17EERIE ORGAN MUSIC

0:16:23 > 0:16:25KEITH LAUGHS

0:16:27 > 0:16:29All right, everybody, stay where you are!

0:16:29 > 0:16:31Don't nobody move!

0:16:36 > 0:16:37LOUD THUMP

0:16:37 > 0:16:39That goes for you, too, bub!

0:16:47 > 0:16:50Now, let's not get nosy, bub.

0:16:54 > 0:16:57BELL RINGS

0:17:00 > 0:17:05OK, which one of you mugs bumped off the old boy?

0:17:05 > 0:17:06Who done it?

0:17:06 > 0:17:10TOGETHER: Oooooh, now, wouldn't you like to know?

0:17:12 > 0:17:16One of you bums is guilty of shooting this guy!

0:17:16 > 0:17:18I'm going to turn out the lights.

0:17:18 > 0:17:20And when I turn them on,

0:17:20 > 0:17:24I want to see the gun here on this table!

0:17:32 > 0:17:35All right, cut out the funny stuff!

0:17:35 > 0:17:37We'll try it again.

0:18:13 > 0:18:14FRANTIC KNOCKING

0:18:16 > 0:18:20I'll give you three to come out of there.

0:18:20 > 0:18:22One, two, three...

0:18:22 > 0:18:25Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

0:18:25 > 0:18:2811, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20!

0:18:30 > 0:18:35EVIL CACKLE

0:18:37 > 0:18:38IT SHRIEKS

0:18:52 > 0:18:55Ah, yes, quite a bunch of us, isn't it?

0:19:16 > 0:19:18KNOCKING

0:19:18 > 0:19:19Who's there?

0:19:19 > 0:19:21A skeleton.

0:19:24 > 0:19:27Red skeleton!

0:19:38 > 0:19:41LOUD BANGING

0:19:41 > 0:19:43GUN PANTS

0:19:43 > 0:19:45LOUD BANGING

0:19:48 > 0:19:50DEEP VOICE: Ooooooooh-oh-oh!

0:19:50 > 0:19:51HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:19:51 > 0:19:52HE BLOWS A NOTE

0:19:52 > 0:19:55HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Aaarrrgggghhh!

0:20:00 > 0:20:01Phew.

0:20:01 > 0:20:03Whoops, I'm sorry.

0:20:12 > 0:20:15Listen, Doc, can't you read?

0:20:24 > 0:20:32LOUD CRASH

0:20:33 > 0:20:35Stick 'em up.

0:20:35 > 0:20:38Reach for the ceiling.

0:20:49 > 0:20:52GUN CLICKS

0:21:06 > 0:21:08WOLF-WHISTLE

0:21:09 > 0:21:11Peekaboo!

0:21:16 > 0:21:18Now we'll see who done it!

0:21:21 > 0:21:22I doed it!

0:21:22 > 0:21:25HE SOBS

0:21:32 > 0:21:35Humour is probably the last bit of grease you get

0:21:35 > 0:21:37before you get insane, you know what I mean?

0:21:37 > 0:21:42It's probably one of the most important things in human life,

0:21:42 > 0:21:46is being able to take the piss out of something or have a laugh.

0:21:46 > 0:21:53Like, without that, I mean, really, I can't imagine a life worth living.

0:21:53 > 0:21:56It could be just your mates. I don't know. Everybody is a comedian.

0:21:56 > 0:21:59And there's guys that can make you laugh

0:21:59 > 0:22:02and you love them for it.

0:22:02 > 0:22:03There's a little mouse...

0:22:03 > 0:22:06a little mouse walking along the pavement in Piccadilly there.

0:22:06 > 0:22:07And a woman frightened it.

0:22:07 > 0:22:09And it stepped off the curb and got knocked down by a bus.

0:22:09 > 0:22:12Picked himself up, went across the road and went into a music shop.

0:22:12 > 0:22:14Said to the man behind the counter, "Do you sell mouse organs?"

0:22:14 > 0:22:16AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

0:22:16 > 0:22:19And the man said, "That's funny... That's funny you should say that.

0:22:19 > 0:22:21"We had a little mouse in here yesterday

0:22:21 > 0:22:22"and she wanted mouse organs."

0:22:22 > 0:22:25The little mouse said, "I know who that was. That was our Monica."

0:22:25 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:30 > 0:22:33Max Miller is still one of my faves.

0:22:33 > 0:22:35Like, "Listen, listen."

0:22:35 > 0:22:38He got banned in loads of places, just like me.

0:22:39 > 0:22:41PAINO MUSIC

0:22:51 > 0:22:54HE CACKLES

0:22:54 > 0:22:57Tommy Cooper. You know, I mean...

0:22:57 > 0:22:58The Goons.

0:22:58 > 0:23:00"You can't get the wood, you know?"

0:23:00 > 0:23:01The Pythons.

0:23:01 > 0:23:04This is an ex-parrot.

0:23:04 > 0:23:06Hancock. You must be joking!

0:23:06 > 0:23:09Probably the first comedian that knew how to work TV.

0:23:09 > 0:23:14Him and Sid James together, it was a must-see every week, you know?

0:23:16 > 0:23:19BBC Television presents Tony Hancock in...

0:23:21 > 0:23:24..Hancock's Half Hour.

0:23:24 > 0:23:27APPLAUSE

0:23:38 > 0:23:41In your own words, in the events leading up to the apprehension

0:23:41 > 0:23:45of the prisoner, John Harrison Peabody. Certainly.

0:23:45 > 0:23:48I was on patrol car duty on the night of the 27th when we received

0:23:48 > 0:23:51a radio message that the offices of the Hathaway Jewellery Company

0:23:51 > 0:23:52had been burgled.

0:23:52 > 0:23:54We proceeded at once to their premises in Brook Street.

0:23:54 > 0:23:57As we pulled up outside the store, the criminal leapt from the door

0:23:57 > 0:23:59carrying numerous articles of jewellery.

0:23:59 > 0:24:01Items one to 37, m'lud.

0:24:01 > 0:24:03We immediately gave chase.

0:24:03 > 0:24:05After a brief struggle he was taken into custody

0:24:05 > 0:24:06and charged with a felony.

0:24:06 > 0:24:09Thank you very much. No further questions. Your witness.

0:24:09 > 0:24:10Very well done, isn't it?

0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER

0:24:12 > 0:24:14Just like The Verdict Is Yours.

0:24:14 > 0:24:18Inspector Jones, the prisoner made a statement when

0:24:18 > 0:24:20he arrived at the police station, did he not? He did, sir.

0:24:20 > 0:24:23Now, what did he say in that statement?

0:24:23 > 0:24:27He said, "You've got the wrong bloke, guv.

0:24:27 > 0:24:31"I was passing the shop when the burglar alarm went

0:24:31 > 0:24:34"and this geezer rushed out and dropped the stuff.

0:24:34 > 0:24:37"I was just about to go round to the police station with it

0:24:37 > 0:24:39"when your lot arrived."

0:24:39 > 0:24:42You were wearing plain clothes at the time, were you not?

0:24:42 > 0:24:44Quite right, sir. Now, Inspector Jones,

0:24:44 > 0:24:47what reason did the prisoner give for running away when you arrived?

0:24:50 > 0:24:52He said he thought we were teddy boys.

0:24:52 > 0:24:55LAUGHTER

0:24:55 > 0:24:57Did you hear that? He said he thought they were teddy boys.

0:24:57 > 0:24:59That's a smack in the eye! Oh, goodness gracious me!

0:24:59 > 0:25:01GAVEL BANGS

0:25:01 > 0:25:03Silence in court! I haven't laughed so much...

0:25:05 > 0:25:09I'm surprised at the foreman of the jury setting such a bad example.

0:25:09 > 0:25:11I thought at least he would show a little decorum.

0:25:11 > 0:25:12Beg your pardon, Your Honour,

0:25:12 > 0:25:14it's just that I thought it was rather amusing, that's all.

0:25:14 > 0:25:16Just slipped out. I couldn't help it.

0:25:16 > 0:25:18I mean, you had a little giggle yourself.

0:25:18 > 0:25:23I did not have a little giggle! Yes, you did. I saw you.

0:25:23 > 0:25:26Brought the end of your wig round to cover your mouth up!

0:25:30 > 0:25:34Please be quiet. This is a very serious case.

0:25:34 > 0:25:36It will shortly be your duty to judge this man.

0:25:36 > 0:25:39Please show the necessary intelligence and restraint required

0:25:39 > 0:25:42by the responsibility bestowed upon you.

0:25:46 > 0:25:49You're not putting up with that. You're the foreman of the jury.

0:25:49 > 0:25:51He shouldn't make you look a charlie in front of everybody.

0:25:51 > 0:25:52Go on, tell him.

0:25:52 > 0:25:56I beg to remind you, m'lud, that I am the foreman of the jury and,

0:25:56 > 0:25:58as such, you shouldn't make me look a charlie in front of everybody!

0:25:58 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER

0:26:01 > 0:26:05Mr Foreman, I would remind you that I'm the judge in this courtroom and,

0:26:05 > 0:26:09as such, I can replace you with somebody I regard as more competent.

0:26:12 > 0:26:15Tell him he can't talk to you like that.

0:26:15 > 0:26:18My friend says you can't talk to me like that!

0:26:18 > 0:26:21I'm not the slightest bit interested in what your friend says.

0:26:21 > 0:26:22I'm fully aware of my powers in this court.

0:26:22 > 0:26:25I know exactly what I can or I can't do.

0:26:25 > 0:26:28I've been a judge now for over 20 years and, furthermore,

0:26:28 > 0:26:31if you and your friend do not behave yourselves

0:26:31 > 0:26:33in a manner befitting members of the jury, I will have you both

0:26:33 > 0:26:36turned out of this courtroom and charged with contempt.

0:26:41 > 0:26:44Tell him you'd like to see him try. I'd like... YOU tell him!

0:26:44 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER

0:26:48 > 0:26:51You were going to say something? No, no, nothing at all, no, no, no.

0:26:51 > 0:26:55May we continue? Yes, by all means. You carry on, mush.

0:26:55 > 0:26:59Thank you. Please continue. Thank you, m'lud.

0:26:59 > 0:27:01Exhibit number one, please.

0:27:02 > 0:27:04Now those were the items of jewellery

0:27:04 > 0:27:06found on the prisoner's person.

0:27:06 > 0:27:09Those are the same ones, sir. Thank you, Inspector Jones.

0:27:09 > 0:27:11Perhaps the jury would like to see them.

0:27:11 > 0:27:13The jury have already seem them once

0:27:13 > 0:27:16and, as we're pressed for time, I don't think we need see them again.

0:27:16 > 0:27:18How do we know it's the ones we saw before?

0:27:18 > 0:27:19Tell him we want to see them again.

0:27:19 > 0:27:22How do we know they're the ones from before? We want to see them again.

0:27:22 > 0:27:25I assure you they're the same ones you saw earlier.

0:27:25 > 0:27:28He assures me they're the same ones we saw earlier.

0:27:28 > 0:27:30That's up to us. We're the jury. That's up to us. We're the jury!

0:27:30 > 0:27:32Ask him if he wants a fair trial or not.

0:27:32 > 0:27:34Do you want a fair trial or not?

0:27:34 > 0:27:35This IS a fair trial!

0:27:35 > 0:27:37The prisoner's not complained.

0:27:37 > 0:27:40With all due respect, m'lud, nobody's asked the poor blighter.

0:27:40 > 0:27:43Don't you worry, mate, I'll see you get a fair trial.

0:27:43 > 0:27:45There'll be no withholding evidence while I'm the foreman.

0:27:45 > 0:27:47We are NOT withholding evidence.

0:27:47 > 0:27:50No, well, what about another look at the exhibits, then?

0:27:50 > 0:27:53Hands up anybody else who wants a butcher's at the evidence?

0:27:53 > 0:27:55There you are. You're outvoted.

0:27:55 > 0:27:58If that had been an election, you'd have lost your deposit there.

0:28:00 > 0:28:02Very well, show the exhibits to the jury

0:28:02 > 0:28:05and tell my wife I'll be a little late tonight.

0:28:15 > 0:28:16Have you finished?

0:28:16 > 0:28:18Time is pressing, and the rest of the jury want to examine it.

0:28:18 > 0:28:20Please put it back on the tray.

0:28:21 > 0:28:23Yes, of course.

0:28:23 > 0:28:25LAUGHTER

0:28:25 > 0:28:27Now what's wrong?

0:28:27 > 0:28:29It's stuck, Your Honour. I can't get it off. Oh, no!

0:28:29 > 0:28:33Why can't I have ordinary juries who do as I tell them like other judges?

0:28:33 > 0:28:35Why does it always have to be me?

0:28:35 > 0:28:38Pull it, man! I am pulling it, but it won't budge.

0:28:38 > 0:28:41You got a bar of soap up there?

0:28:41 > 0:28:43No, I haven't!

0:28:43 > 0:28:45Oh, what a farce!

0:28:45 > 0:28:47Very well, show it to the rest of the jury, then.

0:28:47 > 0:28:49Try and get it off your finger.

0:28:49 > 0:28:51Continue, Mr Pritchard. Thank you, m'lud.

0:28:51 > 0:28:55I shall proceed with my final address to the jury. Very well.

0:28:55 > 0:28:57M'lud, members of the jury,

0:28:57 > 0:29:02it is the law of this land that in order to secure a conviction,

0:29:02 > 0:29:07the prosecution must prove beyond any shadow of doubt

0:29:07 > 0:29:10that the prisoner is guilty as charged.

0:29:10 > 0:29:12Now this, I respectably beg to submit,

0:29:12 > 0:29:14the prosecution has failed to do.

0:29:14 > 0:29:16You must not...

0:29:18 > 0:29:22Have you finished? I'm trying to get the ring off.

0:29:22 > 0:29:25The defending counsel is talking to you. You must listen to the counsel.

0:29:25 > 0:29:27Get the ring off afterwards.

0:29:27 > 0:29:29Oh, very well, as long as I know where I stand.

0:29:29 > 0:29:31Do you mind starting again, please?

0:29:33 > 0:29:34Oh, really? Do I HAVE to?

0:29:34 > 0:29:36Yes, I'm afraid so.

0:29:36 > 0:29:39Well, I was saying that the prosecution

0:29:39 > 0:29:42has failed to prove its conviction

0:29:42 > 0:29:45and that if you are in any doubt whatsoever

0:29:45 > 0:29:49you are bound by law to find my client not guilty.

0:29:49 > 0:29:52I'm sure that's fair enough. I don't mind going along with that.

0:29:54 > 0:29:56May I ask a question, m'lud? Yes, what is it?

0:29:56 > 0:29:59Have you got a bit of butter? I could have this off...

0:29:59 > 0:30:03Keep quiet and sit still! You're making a mockery of this courtroom!

0:30:03 > 0:30:05How you were ever elected foreman I shall never know.

0:30:05 > 0:30:08That's not very nice, is it? Ask him how he got to be made a judge.

0:30:08 > 0:30:12How did you get to be made a judge? That shook him!

0:30:12 > 0:30:15Carry on, Mr Pritchard, and no more interruptions, please.

0:30:15 > 0:30:18Thank you, m'lud. And so, members of the jury,

0:30:18 > 0:30:22I submit that the evidence put forward by the prosecution

0:30:22 > 0:30:27is not conclusive of guilt and I further submit that

0:30:27 > 0:30:32no jury could be asked to convict on such flimsy grounds

0:30:32 > 0:30:36and, with that fact established, I suggest that you have no alternative

0:30:36 > 0:30:40but to find my client not guilty, that he be discharged from

0:30:40 > 0:30:45this court a free man without a stain on his character.

0:30:45 > 0:30:47THEY APPLAUD

0:30:47 > 0:30:51Very good. That was an excellent speech, my good man. You'll go far.

0:30:51 > 0:30:54Got a very engaging personality. Oh, thank you very much.

0:30:56 > 0:30:57Right, next!

0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER

0:30:59 > 0:31:02May I be permitted to decide on the procedure of this court

0:31:02 > 0:31:05or perhaps you'd like to borrow my wig and take over?

0:31:05 > 0:31:08If you've had enough, I don't mind. Sit down!

0:31:11 > 0:31:14Mr Spooner, would you care to sum up for the prosecution?

0:31:14 > 0:31:17Certainly, m'lud. Oh, I don't like him.

0:31:17 > 0:31:20He's dead smarmy. "Certainly, m'lud."

0:31:20 > 0:31:23Swipe me, here's a crawler for you.

0:31:23 > 0:31:26I was very much impressed with my learned friend's appe-e-eal

0:31:26 > 0:31:28for this man's innocence.

0:31:28 > 0:31:31MIMICS HIM

0:31:31 > 0:31:33I'd give him a kick up the wig.

0:31:33 > 0:31:36LAUGHTER

0:31:36 > 0:31:40Very moving, eloquent, sentimental, maudlin rubbish.

0:31:40 > 0:31:44I object! It's not up to you to object or not to object.

0:31:44 > 0:31:45Mind your own business.

0:31:45 > 0:31:48Forgive me, Mr Spooner. Thank you, m'lud.

0:31:48 > 0:31:50The facts are quite plain. This man was caught red-handed

0:31:50 > 0:31:52outside the shop with the proceeds on him.

0:31:52 > 0:31:54He was also identified by the night-watchman.

0:31:54 > 0:31:56It's an open-and-shut case.

0:31:56 > 0:31:57I therefore submit that you have

0:31:57 > 0:32:00no alternative but to find him guilty as charged and to put

0:32:00 > 0:32:04this vicious criminal beyond the reach of decent society.

0:32:04 > 0:32:08Members of the jury, you have heard the evidence in this case.

0:32:08 > 0:32:12I would remind you that you are the sole judges of the fact.

0:32:12 > 0:32:16I will now ask you to retire and consider your verdict.

0:32:16 > 0:32:19May I ask a question, m'lud? Oh, what is it?

0:32:19 > 0:32:21How long we got? I don't understand you.

0:32:21 > 0:32:23Well, I've seen this on television, you know.

0:32:23 > 0:32:26We go out and then the bloke with the earphones comes on

0:32:26 > 0:32:29and then we come in and tell you our verdict.

0:32:29 > 0:32:31Actually, how long have we got?

0:32:31 > 0:32:33As long as you want. That can't be right.

0:32:33 > 0:32:35They only get two minutes on television.

0:32:35 > 0:32:38I don't care how long they get on television.

0:32:38 > 0:32:41This is not the same thing. And they said their programme was authentic!

0:32:41 > 0:32:43You don't know where you are these days, do you?

0:32:43 > 0:32:46Will you please go and consider your verdict? Usher, please.

0:32:46 > 0:32:49I will take this jury to some private and convenient place

0:32:49 > 0:32:51and shall not suffer anyone to speak to them.

0:32:51 > 0:32:54Neither shall I speak to them lest it be to ask them if they be

0:32:54 > 0:32:56agreed upon their verdict.

0:32:56 > 0:32:58Have a bar of soap sent in, would you?

0:32:58 > 0:33:01Bit of hair cream or something. Perhaps you've got an idea.

0:33:01 > 0:33:03What do you think?

0:33:19 > 0:33:22There you are, ladies and gentlemen, you heard what the judge said.

0:33:22 > 0:33:24There's no hurry. We can take as long as we like.

0:33:24 > 0:33:26We shan't be disturbed. Our time is our own.

0:33:26 > 0:33:29Oh, good, let's have a game of cards. Put those things away.

0:33:29 > 0:33:31We're here to decide whether that poor wretch out there

0:33:31 > 0:33:34is innocent or guilty. Oh, let's cut for it and get off home.

0:33:34 > 0:33:36Anything under a seven, he's guilty.

0:33:36 > 0:33:39What do you mean, "Anything under a seven, he's guilty?"

0:33:39 > 0:33:40What sort of justice is that?

0:33:40 > 0:33:43What's the point of all that going on out there with lawyers

0:33:43 > 0:33:45and wigs and things if all you've got to do

0:33:45 > 0:33:46is cut for a seven or under?

0:33:46 > 0:33:48This is the Old Bailey, mate, not Dodge House!

0:33:48 > 0:33:50Come on, hurry up, we don't want to be here all day.

0:33:50 > 0:33:52Wait a minute, we mustn't be hasty.

0:33:52 > 0:33:55It is essential for the course of justice that we deliberate this

0:33:55 > 0:33:57slowly and carefully before reaching a decision.

0:33:57 > 0:33:59Agreed? Agreed. Right.

0:33:59 > 0:34:01Guilty.

0:34:01 > 0:34:03Oh.

0:34:03 > 0:34:05Well, you didn't wait long about that, did you?

0:34:05 > 0:34:08In my opinion, it's an open-and-shut case. The man's obviously guilty.

0:34:08 > 0:34:10Well, I think he's innocent. What do the rest of you think?

0:34:10 > 0:34:13Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

0:34:13 > 0:34:15Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

0:34:15 > 0:34:18Guilty. Et tu, Brute?

0:34:18 > 0:34:20Let's face it, they all say guilty.

0:34:20 > 0:34:24We'd be here for weeks if we disagree. Guilty.

0:34:24 > 0:34:26Come on, let's get down to the pub,

0:34:26 > 0:34:28have a couple of pints at The Wig and Gavel.

0:34:28 > 0:34:31That is not the attitude. We're here to ensure that justice is done.

0:34:31 > 0:34:34That's what we're being paid for.

0:34:34 > 0:34:35We're getting paid?

0:34:35 > 0:34:37Of course we're getting paid. 30 shillings a day.

0:34:37 > 0:34:4030 bob a day? Well, that's seven-and-a-half quid a week.

0:34:40 > 0:34:43That's more than I get outside. In that case, not guilty.

0:34:43 > 0:34:46Let's keep it going as long as we can.

0:34:46 > 0:34:48I love Sid James.

0:34:48 > 0:34:50I can't say I agree with your motives,

0:34:50 > 0:34:52but I agree with your decision.

0:34:52 > 0:34:54Right, two not guiltys. Any advance on two not guiltys?

0:34:54 > 0:34:56This is ridiculous.

0:34:56 > 0:34:5830 shillings a day may be more than you earn, sir, but I am

0:34:58 > 0:35:01a company director and I am losing a fortune while this thing goes on!

0:35:01 > 0:35:05How DARE you put your personal gain before your duty as a citizen!

0:35:05 > 0:35:08You unfeeling swine! Haven't you got any sense of duty?

0:35:08 > 0:35:10Yes, of course I've got a sense of justice,

0:35:10 > 0:35:13but this is a watertight case.

0:35:13 > 0:35:14I can't see that there's anything to discuss.

0:35:14 > 0:35:16But there's loads to discuss.

0:35:16 > 0:35:18I reckon we've got a good six or seven days of nonstop chat

0:35:18 > 0:35:20in front of us.

0:35:20 > 0:35:22Really, this is too much! He MUST be guilty.

0:35:22 > 0:35:25He is not guilty. Of course he is. He isn't! He is.

0:35:25 > 0:35:28Are you looking for a punch-up?

0:35:28 > 0:35:30Please, please, please, please!

0:35:30 > 0:35:33Sidney, please, you'll have the wallopers in here in a minute.

0:35:33 > 0:35:35A punch-up at the Old Bailey, whatever next?

0:35:35 > 0:35:37Ladies and gentlemen, control yourselves

0:35:37 > 0:35:39and realise that I am the foreman.

0:35:39 > 0:35:42But he's talking a lot of nonsense. He wants to keep up here all week.

0:35:42 > 0:35:45The man is obviously guilty and I demand... Ah, ah, ah.

0:35:46 > 0:35:48Who's the foreman?

0:35:48 > 0:35:50You are. There we are then.

0:35:50 > 0:35:53Yes, but I can't... Ah, ah, ah.

0:35:53 > 0:35:55Yes, but I... Ah, ah.

0:35:55 > 0:35:58But I... Ah.

0:35:58 > 0:36:01You're not leaving this jury room till we've reached

0:36:01 > 0:36:04a unanimous decision... from all of us. Now then...

0:36:04 > 0:36:06LAUGHTER

0:36:06 > 0:36:08..have a look at the score.

0:36:08 > 0:36:11Two not guiltys and ten say guilty.

0:36:11 > 0:36:13I think a discussion is called for to elaborate our points of view.

0:36:13 > 0:36:16Guilty! I'll slosh you!

0:36:16 > 0:36:18I am the foreman. I shall speak.

0:36:18 > 0:36:20Ladies and gentlemen,

0:36:20 > 0:36:23we are gathered here today to witness the joining together... No!

0:36:23 > 0:36:25LAUGHTER

0:36:25 > 0:36:27Ladies and gentlemen,

0:36:27 > 0:36:29we are gathered here today to sit in judgment of

0:36:29 > 0:36:32a fellow human being, but before we have the temerity,

0:36:32 > 0:36:39nay, audacity, to take it upon ourselves to judge another,

0:36:39 > 0:36:42surely we must first judge ourselves?

0:36:42 > 0:36:45LAUGHTER

0:36:46 > 0:36:50Are there any of us so pure,

0:36:50 > 0:36:53so free from sin in our own personal wives...

0:36:53 > 0:36:56LIVES!

0:36:56 > 0:36:58LAUGHTER

0:37:00 > 0:37:05..that we can, dispassionately, nay, objectively...

0:37:07 > 0:37:09..nay...

0:37:13 > 0:37:17..dispassionately, judge another? And therefore I submit...

0:37:17 > 0:37:20Oh, get on with it! Oh, don't do that, please!

0:37:20 > 0:37:22I was just working up to a crescendo then.

0:37:22 > 0:37:25Never interrupt anybody when they're getting to a crescendo,

0:37:25 > 0:37:27it can be very nasty.

0:37:27 > 0:37:29Please don't do that again. Where was I?

0:37:29 > 0:37:32You were submitting. Yes, therefore I submit... What was I submitting?

0:37:32 > 0:37:34I don't know. There it is, it's gone now.

0:37:34 > 0:37:36I've forgotten what I was submitting.

0:37:36 > 0:37:38Good - now perhaps you'll be quiet and let somebody else have a go.

0:37:38 > 0:37:42All right, then, I shall extend to him...

0:37:42 > 0:37:44the courtesy that he didn't extend to me.

0:37:44 > 0:37:48That will show you how much better brought up I am than he was,

0:37:48 > 0:37:53out of the two of us in comparison with each other.

0:37:53 > 0:37:55Carry on.

0:37:55 > 0:37:56Ladies and gentlemen,

0:37:56 > 0:38:00all I have to say is the evidence points unequivocally...

0:38:00 > 0:38:03Do you mind? There's ladies here.

0:38:03 > 0:38:07Unequivocally. Oh, yes, all right, just watch it. Go on, carry on.

0:38:07 > 0:38:09Unequivocally to this man's guilt.

0:38:09 > 0:38:11Now, ten of us believe him to be guilty.

0:38:11 > 0:38:15The will of the majority should prevail, as in any democracy, and

0:38:15 > 0:38:18therefore, sir, you should reverse your verdict to one of guilty.

0:38:18 > 0:38:22Hear, hear. I see, that's the way the wind's blowing, is it?

0:38:22 > 0:38:24We'll have a go round the table. What about you, madam?

0:38:24 > 0:38:26You with the hat on. Yes. What do you think?

0:38:26 > 0:38:29Guilty, guilty, guilty. Put him away, he's a menace!

0:38:29 > 0:38:32Send him away for as long as the law allows. Make an example of him.

0:38:32 > 0:38:35There's too much namby-pamby treatment of these thugs.

0:38:35 > 0:38:37Bring back the Cat. That'd show them.

0:38:37 > 0:38:41I'd do it myself if you men haven't got the courage.

0:38:41 > 0:38:43Put him away. Guilty! Guilty!

0:38:44 > 0:38:47So much for the gentler sex(!)

0:38:47 > 0:38:50Right, now you. Well, really, I don't know.

0:38:50 > 0:38:53No, no, I'm not sure, but I always felt that he was guilty.

0:38:53 > 0:38:58But that is not good enough. You must be sure.

0:38:58 > 0:39:00This could have been your own boy.

0:39:00 > 0:39:02Your own flesh and blood.

0:39:02 > 0:39:05The little boy you bounced upon your knee.

0:39:05 > 0:39:09It could be him sent away for 15 years to a darkened cell.

0:39:09 > 0:39:12No sun to light his morning.

0:39:12 > 0:39:14Out on the moors with the mists

0:39:14 > 0:39:16swirling around his ball and chain...

0:39:19 > 0:39:22..breaking up huge boulders into little pieces and then

0:39:22 > 0:39:26cementing little pieces back into big boulders so he can bash it.

0:39:26 > 0:39:29LAUGHTER

0:39:29 > 0:39:32And what of his child at home?

0:39:32 > 0:39:35What of his mother putting him to bed?

0:39:36 > 0:39:39"Where's Daddy, Mummy? Is he coming home tonight?"

0:39:39 > 0:39:40"Hush, child.

0:39:40 > 0:39:43"Eat your crust of dry bread and don't drop crumbs on the sacking

0:39:43 > 0:39:46"that forms your bedclothes."

0:39:46 > 0:39:47"Mummy, is that a tear I see

0:39:47 > 0:39:50"trickling down your thin, pale face?"

0:39:50 > 0:39:54"'Tis nothing, child. Drink up your spoonful of milk, go to sleep."

0:39:56 > 0:39:58"But where's my daddy? Where did they put my daddy?"

0:39:58 > 0:40:00SID WAILS

0:40:00 > 0:40:03LAUGHTER

0:40:04 > 0:40:08I've already got you. I'm after him.

0:40:08 > 0:40:12"Where is my daddy? When are they going to bring my daddy back to me?"

0:40:12 > 0:40:14Not guilty. Got him!

0:40:14 > 0:40:17LAUGHTER

0:40:17 > 0:40:199-3. Right, anybody else coming over to our side?

0:40:19 > 0:40:22You won't get me - guilty!

0:40:22 > 0:40:25You won't get me with your cheap tricks. Nor I. Guilty!

0:40:26 > 0:40:29I see - that's the way things are shaping, is it? Stalemate.

0:40:29 > 0:40:33Good, let's have a game of cards. A small party? Get some booze in.

0:40:33 > 0:40:35Get some more birds.

0:40:35 > 0:40:37Oh, shut up, you licentious fool!

0:40:37 > 0:40:40Look, I suggest we go back and tell them we can't agree on a verdict.

0:40:40 > 0:40:43Then what happens? We can all go home. Oh, mate, I'm not having that.

0:40:43 > 0:40:46Go home, 30 bob a day, is he kidding?

0:40:46 > 0:40:48I can't stop here forever. I've got a farm to run.

0:40:48 > 0:40:50There's crops to get in. That's charming, isn't it?

0:40:50 > 0:40:52You're prepared to send a man to jail for 15 years

0:40:52 > 0:40:54so you can get your spuds in?

0:40:54 > 0:40:56The equation of human kindness -

0:40:56 > 0:41:0015 years in jug equals two tonne of King Edwards.

0:41:00 > 0:41:01LAUGHTER

0:41:01 > 0:41:03But he's guilty. He deserves to go to prison.

0:41:03 > 0:41:06Well, I think he's innocent. Good heavens, why, man?

0:41:06 > 0:41:08Why do you persist in saying he's innocent

0:41:08 > 0:41:11in light of all the evidence against him?

0:41:11 > 0:41:15Caught red-handed, identified. Why? Why? WHY?

0:41:18 > 0:41:21Well, he's got such a nice face.

0:41:21 > 0:41:24Look, the man's impossible. We'll be here all night.

0:41:24 > 0:41:26Send in 12 dinners, will you?

0:41:26 > 0:41:28Ask them if they'll send a bit of lard in, will you?

0:41:28 > 0:41:31A bit of lard too, yes.

0:41:54 > 0:41:58Good grief, man, how COULD it have been his twin brother?!

0:42:00 > 0:42:02It's happened before. What about the Corsican Brothers?

0:42:02 > 0:42:05One was good, one was bad, and I say we've got the good one.

0:42:05 > 0:42:08But he hasn't even got a brother. That doesn't matter.

0:42:08 > 0:42:09We've all got doubles.

0:42:09 > 0:42:13There's a bookie's runner down our way looks exactly like you.

0:42:13 > 0:42:16Thank you very much.

0:42:16 > 0:42:19It isn't you, is it? No, it isn't!

0:42:19 > 0:42:21Well, there you are, then.

0:42:21 > 0:42:24Oh, this is ridiculous. We're getting absolutely nowhere.

0:42:24 > 0:42:27We've been locked in this confounded room for seven hours now.

0:42:27 > 0:42:28Seven hours!

0:42:28 > 0:42:34And what theories have you concocted? Twin brothers.

0:42:34 > 0:42:36Doubles.

0:42:36 > 0:42:38Blackouts.

0:42:38 > 0:42:41He was drugged by a gang of international crooks.

0:42:41 > 0:42:43He's a rightful heir to a European throne

0:42:43 > 0:42:48and they want him out of the way so they can put his uncle on.

0:42:48 > 0:42:51It's quite possible. His father used to sell onions.

0:42:51 > 0:42:54We don't know anything about his family background.

0:42:54 > 0:42:55We don't know what his father did

0:42:55 > 0:42:57when he got off his bike at Boulogne.

0:42:57 > 0:43:00Probably went straight up to the chateau, put the crown on,

0:43:00 > 0:43:02ran the flag up, Grand Duke of Burgundy! You never know.

0:43:02 > 0:43:06What do you mean, Duke of Burgundy? They all come from Brixton.

0:43:06 > 0:43:08He might have been exiled.

0:43:10 > 0:43:12I give up. I give up. I don't want to talk to him any more.

0:43:12 > 0:43:15Keep him out of my sight.

0:43:15 > 0:43:17Well, that's 8-3. One retired hurt.

0:43:17 > 0:43:20This room's getting me down. I want some fresh air.

0:43:20 > 0:43:23I'm suffocating in here.

0:43:29 > 0:43:31Lovely view, isn't it, London at midnight?

0:43:31 > 0:43:33I'd sooner see it over my farm. How much longer are we going to be?

0:43:33 > 0:43:36Hard to tell. Rate things are going, it could be weeks. Weeks?!

0:43:36 > 0:43:38But I've got to be on my farm tomorrow.

0:43:38 > 0:43:40There we are, deadlock, isn't it, 9-3?

0:43:40 > 0:43:43Your lead. How much longer do you think we'll be?

0:43:43 > 0:43:46Oh, 9-3, could take months. I knew a case in Mexico took three years.

0:43:46 > 0:43:50Three years?! That's impossible. No, straight up.

0:43:50 > 0:43:53Went through three revolutions and nine changes of government.

0:43:53 > 0:43:56Two of the jury went bonkers with claustrophobia, three died of

0:43:56 > 0:44:00old age, and four were divorced by their wives for desertion.

0:44:00 > 0:44:03You married? Yes, I am. Hmm, then I hope she's patient.

0:44:03 > 0:44:06Three years is a long time, isn't it? Your lead.

0:44:08 > 0:44:11Who's looking after the farm while you're away, then?

0:44:11 > 0:44:13My wife.

0:44:13 > 0:44:15Oh, country girl? No, she's a Londoner.

0:44:15 > 0:44:17Oh, a Londoner, eh?

0:44:17 > 0:44:21Don't suppose she knows much about farms, then? No, she doesn't. Hmm.

0:44:21 > 0:44:25I expect it'll be a right mess when you get back.

0:44:25 > 0:44:29Dead chickens all over the place.

0:44:29 > 0:44:31Cattle lying on their backs with their legs sticking up in the air.

0:44:31 > 0:44:34LAUGHTER

0:44:34 > 0:44:37How long you been married, then? A week. Week, eh?

0:44:37 > 0:44:39I wouldn't worry about it.

0:44:39 > 0:44:41If she loves you, you know,

0:44:41 > 0:44:44three years ain't so long for a hot-blooded young bride of 21.

0:44:44 > 0:44:46Your lead.

0:44:46 > 0:44:48Londoner, eh?

0:44:48 > 0:44:50I suspect she's probably ploughed up the cornfields

0:44:50 > 0:44:55and put the pigs out to graze. Complete chaos, financial ruin.

0:44:55 > 0:44:58Still, I must admire you. You stick to your principles.

0:44:58 > 0:45:00You're a brave man.

0:45:00 > 0:45:01You could be out there in ten minutes

0:45:01 > 0:45:05if everybody said not guilty, but you stick to your principles.

0:45:05 > 0:45:07Highly commendable.

0:45:07 > 0:45:11Ruined, but not dishonoured.

0:45:14 > 0:45:16Good luck to you.

0:45:16 > 0:45:19Poor devil.

0:45:19 > 0:45:22I've changed my mind. Yes, so have I. There's not enough evidence.

0:45:22 > 0:45:25Not guilty. Well done. 7-5. Anybody else wavering?

0:45:25 > 0:45:28You won't get the rest of us. We're determined as you are.

0:45:30 > 0:45:34All right, then, we shall just stay here and sit it out.

0:45:39 > 0:45:44# Oh, it's a long, long time from May to September

0:45:44 > 0:45:47# Bom-bom-bom-bom, la-de-de-dum. #

0:45:48 > 0:45:52CLOCK TICKS

0:46:11 > 0:46:15I can't stand it any longer! This room is driving me mad!

0:46:15 > 0:46:17Let me out! Let me out!

0:46:17 > 0:46:20I want to go home! Let me out! Please, let me out!

0:46:23 > 0:46:27HE SOBS

0:46:27 > 0:46:29I want to go home to my mother!

0:46:31 > 0:46:33Six-all, I think.

0:46:33 > 0:46:36LAUGHTER

0:46:38 > 0:46:41I think they're beginning to crack. Have another go.

0:46:41 > 0:46:42Yes, I think that's a good idea.

0:46:42 > 0:46:46Ladies and gentlemen, the score is now six-all.

0:46:46 > 0:46:48I shall not go through the facts of this case again, safe to

0:46:48 > 0:46:52suggest to you there is some element of doubt in this boy's guilt.

0:46:52 > 0:46:57As Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Vienna...

0:46:57 > 0:47:00when Portion accused Shylock Holmes of pinching a pound of meat...

0:47:03 > 0:47:08.."The quality of mercy is not strained.

0:47:09 > 0:47:13"It droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven

0:47:13 > 0:47:16"upon the place beneath.

0:47:16 > 0:47:19"It is twice blest. Twice blest. The sign of..." No!

0:47:23 > 0:47:26"Blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

0:47:26 > 0:47:28Take the case of doubting Thomas, who was sent to Coventry

0:47:28 > 0:47:32for looking through a keyhole at Lady Godiva.

0:47:32 > 0:47:34Can anybody prove he was looking at her?

0:47:34 > 0:47:39Can anybody prove it was he who shouted out, "Get your hair cut?"

0:47:39 > 0:47:42Of course not. This is sheer supposition.

0:47:43 > 0:47:46Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you?

0:47:47 > 0:47:49Did she die in vain?!

0:47:49 > 0:47:52LAUGHTER

0:47:55 > 0:47:57Brave Hungarian peasant girl

0:47:57 > 0:48:00who forced King John to sign the pledge at Runnymede

0:48:00 > 0:48:03and closed the boozers at half past ten!

0:48:05 > 0:48:07Is all this to be forgotten?

0:48:07 > 0:48:10My friends, it is not John Harrison Peabody who is on trail here today,

0:48:10 > 0:48:14but the fair name of British justice, and I ask you to send that

0:48:14 > 0:48:17poor boy back to the loving arms of his poor white-haired old mother

0:48:17 > 0:48:18a free man.

0:48:18 > 0:48:21I thank you.

0:48:22 > 0:48:26All right, then, hands up all those who say not guilty.

0:48:26 > 0:48:29Right, 10-2, we're leading. Just these two to go.

0:48:29 > 0:48:31Come on, who do you think you are? The man is innocent.

0:48:31 > 0:48:35Obviously, obviously. Oh, very well, I can't stand it any more.

0:48:35 > 0:48:38All right, all right, have it your own way.

0:48:38 > 0:48:41Let the criminal go free. I don't care.

0:48:41 > 0:48:43Let him loose so that he can rob other people's shops,

0:48:43 > 0:48:45other people's houses.

0:48:45 > 0:48:48Your house, maybe. I don't mind. Not guilty, then? Oh, anything you like.

0:48:48 > 0:48:50That's 11-1. Here, Curly, what about you?

0:48:50 > 0:48:53Oh, do what you like. I don't care. There you are.

0:48:53 > 0:48:56A unanimous verdict of not guilty. We can all go home.

0:48:58 > 0:49:01What's the matter now?

0:49:03 > 0:49:06I've just been thinking about what he said

0:49:06 > 0:49:09about letting him loose to rob people's shops

0:49:09 > 0:49:11and other people's houses.

0:49:11 > 0:49:13I couldn't have that on my conscience.

0:49:13 > 0:49:15I'll have to change my mind. Guilty!

0:49:15 > 0:49:18LAUGHTER

0:49:18 > 0:49:20What a good boy you are.

0:49:20 > 0:49:2111-1, we're off again.

0:49:21 > 0:49:24No, no, let's go back to guilty. That's all right with me.

0:49:24 > 0:49:26I'll go along with that. Guilty. Now, who says guilty?

0:49:26 > 0:49:28ALL: Yes!

0:49:28 > 0:49:32There you are, we all agree guilty. Now it's over, we can all go.

0:49:32 > 0:49:34Wait a minute.

0:49:34 > 0:49:36The caper isn't up yet. Not guilty.

0:49:36 > 0:49:39But he IS guilty. We all agree he's guilty.

0:49:39 > 0:49:41Your friend says he's guilty! I don't care what he says.

0:49:41 > 0:49:44I've got another five days' work here. Not guilty.

0:49:44 > 0:49:46We can not go through this again. No, no, no, no!

0:49:46 > 0:49:48I'll tell you what I'll do.

0:49:48 > 0:49:49If everybody chips in 30 bob

0:49:49 > 0:49:52to compensate for me loss of earnings,

0:49:52 > 0:49:53I'll come in with you lot.

0:49:57 > 0:49:59Gentlemen, gentlemen,

0:49:59 > 0:50:02we have reached a unanimous verdict.

0:50:02 > 0:50:04British justice has triumphed again.

0:50:24 > 0:50:25Court will rise.

0:50:29 > 0:50:31Carry on. Who speaks as your foreman?

0:50:31 > 0:50:32I'm the foreman.

0:50:32 > 0:50:34Have you agreed on your verdict? We have.

0:50:34 > 0:50:36How finds you the prisoner? Guilty or not guilty?

0:50:36 > 0:50:38Guilty. 12-0.

0:50:38 > 0:50:40LAUGHTER

0:50:40 > 0:50:43And that is the verdict of you all? It is.

0:50:43 > 0:50:45I will pass sentence after the recess.

0:50:45 > 0:50:47Court is adjourned.

0:50:47 > 0:50:48Just one moment.

0:50:49 > 0:50:51Mr Foreman, the ring, if you please.

0:50:51 > 0:50:54Oh, yes, certainly, M'lord.

0:50:54 > 0:50:56It's gone.

0:50:56 > 0:50:57But I had it on my finger.

0:50:57 > 0:51:00I shook hands with everybody.

0:51:00 > 0:51:02I had it on my finger, but it's disappeared.

0:51:02 > 0:51:04Where could it have gone to? It can't have flown away.

0:51:04 > 0:51:07The ring has disappeared? This is a very serious affair.

0:51:07 > 0:51:10This ring was exceedingly valuable.

0:51:10 > 0:51:11Is the police inspector in court?

0:51:28 > 0:51:29Court will rise.

0:51:31 > 0:51:32Carry on, Mr Farnsworth.

0:51:32 > 0:51:34Put up the accused.

0:51:45 > 0:51:46You are charged with conspiring

0:51:46 > 0:51:50to steal a diamond ring, valued at ?20,000.

0:51:50 > 0:51:53How do you plead? I'm the foreman. Guilty.

0:51:53 > 0:51:55A prison sentence would be shorter than this trial.

0:51:55 > 0:51:56I want to get back to my pigs.

0:51:56 > 0:51:58What about my wife? It's not my fault.

0:51:58 > 0:52:01Who has the ring? Who's got it?

0:52:01 > 0:52:04THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

0:52:51 > 0:52:53A lot of comedians...

0:52:53 > 0:52:58are very dark people, unfortunately.

0:52:58 > 0:52:59I don't know... You know,

0:52:59 > 0:53:03I'm not in the business of making people laugh, except in private.

0:53:03 > 0:53:05To do it as a business,

0:53:05 > 0:53:07it is obviously...

0:53:07 > 0:53:08You know, it's a hard task.

0:53:08 > 0:53:10It can do you in.

0:53:10 > 0:53:11Especially Tony. Yeah.

0:53:14 > 0:53:15Right...

0:53:15 > 0:53:19let's sort out the chaff from the corn and see how many of you...

0:53:19 > 0:53:22can stay up with me for the next three nights

0:53:22 > 0:53:24and make it out the other side.

0:53:24 > 0:53:26Of course, TV does keep you up late

0:53:26 > 0:53:28for those night owl shows.

0:53:38 > 0:53:41# When the night falls

0:53:45 > 0:53:47# When the night falls

0:53:49 > 0:53:53# I've told you many times before

0:53:53 > 0:53:56# If you deceive me I'll want you no more

0:53:56 > 0:53:59# People thought that I was foolin' round

0:53:59 > 0:54:02# But I've got both my feet on the ground

0:54:02 > 0:54:06# I don't regret the things I've done

0:54:06 > 0:54:08# Although I miss your lovin'

0:54:08 > 0:54:11# When the night falls

0:54:11 > 0:54:14# When the night falls. #

0:54:59 > 0:55:02Spending a lot of your life

0:55:02 > 0:55:04as a nocturnal creature,

0:55:04 > 0:55:07you get a certain affinity for...

0:55:07 > 0:55:09nightingales and owls,

0:55:09 > 0:55:14and little furry things you can't quite describe, you know?

0:55:17 > 0:55:20Badgers and...you know.

0:55:20 > 0:55:22# When the night falls

0:55:22 > 0:55:24# When the night falls. #

0:55:26 > 0:55:28The fox is, yeah... I mean...

0:55:29 > 0:55:31He's a smart guy, you know.

0:55:33 > 0:55:35Why flash yourself when you don't need to?

0:55:39 > 0:55:42Guys that work at night have always intrigued me.

0:55:43 > 0:55:45"What are you doing up at this time of day?"

0:55:45 > 0:55:46HE GRUNTS: "Working."

0:55:51 > 0:55:55# Tell Automatic Slim

0:55:55 > 0:55:58# To tell razor-totin' Jim

0:55:58 > 0:56:01# To tell butcher knife-totin' Annie

0:56:01 > 0:56:05# To tell fast-talking Fanny

0:56:05 > 0:56:08# We gonna pitch a ball

0:56:08 > 0:56:11# Down to that union hall

0:56:11 > 0:56:15# We gonna romp and tromp till midnight

0:56:15 > 0:56:17# We gonna fuss and fight till daylight

0:56:17 > 0:56:22# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

0:56:24 > 0:56:28# All night long

0:56:28 > 0:56:31# All night long

0:56:31 > 0:56:34# All night long

0:56:34 > 0:56:37# All night long

0:56:37 > 0:56:42# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

0:56:43 > 0:56:47# Tell kudu-crawlin' Red

0:56:47 > 0:56:50# Tell Abyssinian Ned

0:56:50 > 0:56:53# Tell ol' Pistol Pete

0:56:53 > 0:56:56# He'll tell everybody he meets

0:56:56 > 0:56:59# Tonight, we need no rest

0:56:59 > 0:57:02# We gonna really throw a mess

0:57:02 > 0:57:06# We gonna knock down all the windows

0:57:06 > 0:57:09# We gonna kick down all the doors

0:57:09 > 0:57:14# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

0:57:16 > 0:57:19# All night long

0:57:19 > 0:57:22# All night long

0:57:22 > 0:57:25# All night long

0:57:25 > 0:57:27# All night long

0:57:27 > 0:57:32# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

0:57:34 > 0:57:37# Tell Fats and Washboard Sam

0:57:37 > 0:57:41# That everybody gonna jam

0:57:41 > 0:57:43# Tell Shaky and Boxcar Joe

0:57:43 > 0:57:46# We got sawdust on the floor

0:57:46 > 0:57:50# Tell Peg and Caroline Dye

0:57:50 > 0:57:52# We gonna have a heck of a time

0:57:52 > 0:57:56# And when the fish scent fills the air

0:57:56 > 0:57:58# There'll be snuff juice everywhere

0:57:58 > 0:58:03# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long

0:58:06 > 0:58:09# All night long

0:58:09 > 0:58:12# All night long

0:58:12 > 0:58:15# All night long

0:58:15 > 0:58:17# All night long

0:58:17 > 0:58:22# We gonna pitch a wang dang doodle all night long. #

0:58:35 > 0:58:39MUSIC: Child Of The Moon by The Rolling Stones

0:58:49 > 0:58:51Night-time has a certain effect on us.

0:58:51 > 0:58:53It's kind of, like, er,

0:58:53 > 0:58:56I suppose, the moon or something, you know?

0:58:56 > 0:58:57It affects us.

0:58:57 > 0:59:00# The sun glows

0:59:00 > 0:59:05# At the end of the highway

0:59:07 > 0:59:09It changes your water.

0:59:09 > 0:59:11Lunatic, lunar.

0:59:11 > 0:59:13I mean, yes, madness.

0:59:13 > 0:59:17# Child of the moon

0:59:17 > 0:59:21# Rub your rainy eyes

0:59:21 > 0:59:26# Oh, child of the moon

0:59:26 > 0:59:33# Give me a wide-awake crescent-shaped smile

0:59:42 > 0:59:45# She shivers

0:59:45 > 0:59:52# By the light, she is hidden

0:59:52 > 0:59:55# She flickers

0:59:55 > 1:00:01# Like a lamp lady vision

1:00:01 > 1:00:06# Child of the moon

1:00:06 > 1:00:11# Rub your rainy eyes

1:00:11 > 1:00:15# Child of the moon

1:00:15 > 1:00:21# Give me a wide-awake crescent-shaped smile. #

1:00:23 > 1:00:26Spike, the errant genius.

1:00:29 > 1:00:33# The wind blows

1:00:33 > 1:00:39# Rain into my face

1:00:39 > 1:00:42# The sun glows

1:00:42 > 1:00:48# At the end of the highway... #

1:00:48 > 1:00:50Yeah, he was crazy.

1:00:52 > 1:00:56He's probably pissed all the others off, but at the same time,

1:00:56 > 1:01:00there was flashes of genius and brilliance in there that...

1:01:00 > 1:01:04maybe you can only do if you're nuts, you know.

1:01:06 > 1:01:08There's nothing wrong with being nuts...

1:01:08 > 1:01:11as long as you don't kill somebody.

1:01:14 > 1:01:16Good evening.

1:01:16 > 1:01:21I was watching the television this evening and I thought,

1:01:21 > 1:01:23"There's nothing like a good laugh."

1:01:25 > 1:01:28Take two.

1:01:28 > 1:01:29Good evening.

1:01:29 > 1:01:33I was watching the television this evening and I thought,

1:01:33 > 1:01:36"There's nothing like a good laugh."

1:01:37 > 1:01:38Take three.

1:01:39 > 1:01:44I was watching the television this evening and I thought,

1:01:44 > 1:01:46"There's nothing like a good laugh."

1:01:48 > 1:01:49Take four.

1:01:49 > 1:01:51I was watching...

1:01:51 > 1:01:53the television this evening

1:01:53 > 1:01:55and I thought,

1:01:55 > 1:01:58"There's nothing like a good laugh."

1:01:58 > 1:02:00Oh, ... religion!

1:02:11 > 1:02:12Hi, everybody.

1:02:12 > 1:02:14This show is called...

1:02:14 > 1:02:16MEN HUM What? What's it called?

1:02:16 > 1:02:17HE RAMBLES

1:02:17 > 1:02:19Agh!

1:02:26 > 1:02:28You've got to stop doing that.

1:02:28 > 1:02:30You've got to stop that habit.

1:02:30 > 1:02:32Ready to go in. Right.

1:02:32 > 1:02:33Right. OK, Spike. Ready?

1:02:43 > 1:02:44Yes?

1:02:47 > 1:02:49Good morning, madam. Morning.

1:02:49 > 1:02:52Morning, madam. Morning.

1:02:56 > 1:02:59I am...

1:02:59 > 1:03:01I'm Herbert Screckle,

1:03:01 > 1:03:03a salesman.

1:03:03 > 1:03:06Er, me and my fellow directors

1:03:06 > 1:03:09would like to know if...

1:03:09 > 1:03:13you are getting sufficient sympathy and understanding in your life?

1:03:13 > 1:03:15Not much. Why?

1:03:15 > 1:03:16Do you mind if we come in, madam?

1:03:16 > 1:03:18No. Ta.

1:03:18 > 1:03:23Supposing you had been out for a hard day's shopping. Tired out.

1:03:23 > 1:03:25You get on the Tube.

1:03:25 > 1:03:28Does anybody...? Does anybody get up for you?

1:03:28 > 1:03:32No fear, not these days! You'd have to drop bleeding dead!

1:03:32 > 1:03:36There's no need for you to drop bleeding dead, madam.

1:03:36 > 1:03:39Me and my company have invented something for ladies

1:03:39 > 1:03:42that guarantees to get the maximum sympathy and understanding.

1:03:42 > 1:03:44What is it, divorce?

1:03:46 > 1:03:48No. No, madam.

1:03:48 > 1:03:51It is not a divorce. Tom...

1:03:51 > 1:03:53Ow! Christ!

1:03:55 > 1:03:58This is the Mark I

1:03:58 > 1:04:01plastic, inflatable sympathy hump.

1:04:01 > 1:04:03Say you are on a crowded Tube...

1:04:03 > 1:04:06"I'm on a crowded Tube." You're on a crowded Tube.

1:04:06 > 1:04:09You want to sit down, but no-one is getting up for you.

1:04:09 > 1:04:12Beforehand, you have taken the precaution

1:04:12 > 1:04:15of placing this bladder up your back, so...

1:04:15 > 1:04:17Now, then...

1:04:17 > 1:04:19all you have to do is to inflate it.

1:04:29 > 1:04:31They are infallible, madam.

1:04:31 > 1:04:35They're tried out by 20 of our humpy-back inspectors...

1:04:36 > 1:04:38..on the modern Edgware line.

1:04:38 > 1:04:40Well, it looks real, but I don't fancy it.

1:04:40 > 1:04:43No, of course you do not fancy it, madam.

1:04:43 > 1:04:44Of course you do not.

1:04:44 > 1:04:46This is the Quasimodo model...

1:04:48 > 1:04:50..for men and boys. No...

1:04:50 > 1:04:54For the lady, we have something more delicate, eh, Tom?

1:04:54 > 1:04:58Ow! Will you pardon me, madam? Would you open your jacket, please?

1:04:58 > 1:05:02Now, then. Once again, just imagine you are on a crowded Tube

1:05:02 > 1:05:06and you want to get a seat.

1:05:06 > 1:05:09Then all you have to do is to inflate this.

1:05:14 > 1:05:15Twins?!

1:05:16 > 1:05:18Triplets. There.

1:05:18 > 1:05:20It is the infallible

1:05:20 > 1:05:22false pregnancy hump, madam.

1:05:22 > 1:05:24Now, then, if, on the other hand...

1:05:24 > 1:05:27Oh, hello, John. Dear, oh, dear!

1:05:27 > 1:05:31Have you had a bad day? I had to stand all the way on the Tube.

1:05:38 > 1:05:40GIGGLING

1:05:42 > 1:05:44Er, that is the end of that bit.

1:05:46 > 1:05:49Now, all stand for the national anthem.

1:05:49 > 1:05:51CASH REGISTER RINGS

1:05:53 > 1:05:58IN DEEP VOICE: # God save our gracious Queen

1:05:58 > 1:06:02# Long live our noble Queen

1:06:02 > 1:06:06# God save our Queen. #

1:06:06 > 1:06:08What a wonderful tune that is.

1:06:08 > 1:06:11Lovely tune. My wife and I often sing it of an evening, you know?

1:06:11 > 1:06:14I say to her, "Molly, shall we go down to the lounge

1:06:14 > 1:06:17"and sing God Save The Queen?" She says, "Yes, John."

1:06:17 > 1:06:18And we go down and sing it.

1:06:18 > 1:06:21We often invite Ted and his mother to come over and sing it with us.

1:06:21 > 1:06:22It really is a lovely tune.

1:06:22 > 1:06:25# God save our... #

1:06:25 > 1:06:28I can't understand why it isn't in the charts, you know.

1:06:28 > 1:06:31But seriously, folks, is it, in fact,

1:06:31 > 1:06:32like a dead palm tree?

1:06:32 > 1:06:34Out of date.

1:06:38 > 1:06:41HE CHUCKLES

1:06:44 > 1:06:47Well, I think I got the best out of that joke.

1:06:47 > 1:06:51Get the best out of this one, sailor. Whoopee!

1:06:51 > 1:06:52Erm...

1:06:55 > 1:06:59That was John Wells in a censored excerpt from the Mountbatten story.

1:07:01 > 1:07:03To find out whether people

1:07:03 > 1:07:05actually did stand for the national anthem,

1:07:05 > 1:07:07we tried this simple experiment.

1:07:07 > 1:07:09Example one. Kew Gardens.

1:07:11 > 1:07:15GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

1:07:27 > 1:07:30MUSIC SWELLS

1:07:57 > 1:07:59And number two, The Mall.

1:07:59 > 1:08:02GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

1:08:11 > 1:08:15But then, suddenly, it's the Queen. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

1:08:19 > 1:08:21Number four, a sewers.

1:08:25 > 1:08:27GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

1:08:27 > 1:08:29CLANG Ow!

1:08:29 > 1:08:32Finally...

1:08:32 > 1:08:34GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS

1:08:44 > 1:08:47MUSIC SWELLS

1:08:56 > 1:08:59(Screwdrivers? Screwdrivers?)

1:09:05 > 1:09:09Well, there you see, there are those people who just won't!

1:09:09 > 1:09:12But most people generally do stand for the national anthem.

1:09:12 > 1:09:15What we can't understand is why they stand for Harold Wilson,

1:09:15 > 1:09:17Edward Heath

1:09:17 > 1:09:19and Mrs Enid Stone.

1:09:19 > 1:09:22I'm Enid Stone and I'm 62.

1:09:22 > 1:09:2562, isn't that wonderful, ladies and gentlemen?

1:09:25 > 1:09:28She's 62. Great big hand for Enid Stone,

1:09:28 > 1:09:30who's 62 and scratching on the... APPLAUSE DROWNS HIM OUT

1:09:35 > 1:09:36But what of those expatriates

1:09:36 > 1:09:39who are beyond the earshot of God Save The Queen?

1:09:39 > 1:09:41There they lie, in the corner of some foreign suit

1:09:41 > 1:09:43that is forever ignorant.

1:09:43 > 1:09:46We carried out a national anthem survey with Lord Louis Mountbatten

1:09:46 > 1:09:48who had taken time off from filming Ben Hur with a cast of sailors.

1:09:48 > 1:09:51Hello, sailor!

1:09:51 > 1:09:52HE LAUGHS

1:09:54 > 1:09:57Using GPO national anthem detectors,

1:09:57 > 1:10:01we discovered that all people living in these areas - here,

1:10:01 > 1:10:03there and there -

1:10:03 > 1:10:06were totally without GSTQ -

1:10:06 > 1:10:08God Save The Queen.

1:10:08 > 1:10:10Yes, we at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office

1:10:10 > 1:10:12decided to invent a pill

1:10:12 > 1:10:16which would make you hear the national anthem in your mind.

1:10:32 > 1:10:34It's wonderful. Very good.

1:10:34 > 1:10:35I heard every...every note.

1:10:35 > 1:10:37# God save... #

1:10:37 > 1:10:39HE CLUCKS

1:10:39 > 1:10:40HOWLING

1:10:40 > 1:10:42WOOFING

1:10:42 > 1:10:45Of course, these national anthem pills

1:10:45 > 1:10:47have got very, very nasty side effects.

1:10:47 > 1:10:50But there are other, far worse problems.

1:10:50 > 1:10:54Let us visit the National Anthem Addiction Centre at Sandringham.

1:10:59 > 1:11:02Here, we see many sufferings the advanced thralls

1:11:02 > 1:11:05and acute agonies of national anthem mania.

1:11:05 > 1:11:08PATIENTS CHATTER

1:11:08 > 1:11:10God save the queen. The queen!

1:11:10 > 1:11:12The Queen, God bless her! The Queen, God bless her!

1:11:12 > 1:11:16Queen! Queen! QUEEN! Queen! Queen!

1:11:16 > 1:11:19God save the queen, god bless her. The Queen! The Queen! The Queen.

1:11:19 > 1:11:22The queen, God bless her! The queen, god bless her!

1:11:22 > 1:11:24PATIENTS BABBLE

1:11:24 > 1:11:27These are the withdrawal symptoms of compulsive patriotism,

1:11:27 > 1:11:30even though these people have not heard

1:11:30 > 1:11:32the national anthem for three weeks.

1:11:32 > 1:11:35Fortunately, the GPO has came up with a dial-an-anthem service.

1:11:39 > 1:11:43LA MARSEILLAISE BLARES

1:11:43 > 1:11:46Operator, I've got a wrong anthem. Hello?

1:11:46 > 1:11:49Let that give comfort to those who scoff at The Patriot,

1:11:49 > 1:11:51the well-known restaurant which serves brown Windsor soup

1:11:51 > 1:11:54in the shape of the Duke of Edinburgh.

1:11:54 > 1:11:58This week saw the start of the South London Unorthodox,

1:11:58 > 1:12:00Amateur Athletics Association sport week.

1:12:00 > 1:12:04Here, we see competitors from the Bromley Operatic Society

1:12:04 > 1:12:07in the 100 metres singing relay.

1:12:07 > 1:12:09THEY SING SCALES

1:12:09 > 1:12:10On your marks...

1:12:10 > 1:12:11GUNSHOT

1:12:11 > 1:12:13JERUSALEM: # And did those feet

1:12:13 > 1:12:16FASCINATING RHYTHM: # Fascinating rhythm, you've got me on the run

1:12:16 > 1:12:18# In ancient time # Fascinating rhythm

1:12:18 > 1:12:20# What a mess you're making The neighbours want to know

1:12:20 > 1:12:21# Walk upon England's mountains green?

1:12:21 > 1:12:23# Why am I shaking like a flivver?

1:12:23 > 1:12:24# Each morning I get up with the sun

1:12:24 > 1:12:25# And was the holy Lamb of God

1:12:25 > 1:12:28# To find at night no work has been done.

1:12:28 > 1:12:30# On England's pleasant pastures seen?

1:12:30 > 1:12:33THEY CONTINUE TO SING

1:12:37 > 1:12:38# And did the Countenance Divine

1:12:38 > 1:12:39# Won't you take a day off?

1:12:39 > 1:12:40# Decide to run along

1:12:40 > 1:12:42# Somewhere far away off and make it snappy

1:12:42 > 1:12:44# Shine forth upon our clouded hills?

1:12:44 > 1:12:47# Oh, how I long to be the girl I used to be

1:12:57 > 1:12:58# What a mess you're making

1:12:58 > 1:13:00# The neighbours want to know why

1:13:00 > 1:13:01# I'm always shaking

1:13:01 > 1:13:02THE OTHER SINGS JERUSALEM

1:13:02 > 1:13:05# Fascinating rhythm

1:13:05 > 1:13:08# Oh, won't you stop picking on ME! #

1:13:08 > 1:13:09Today sees the finale

1:13:09 > 1:13:12of the annual grandmother-hurling contest at Beachy Head.

1:13:12 > 1:13:14The grandmothers and contestants

1:13:14 > 1:13:17are just warming up for the final throws.

1:13:17 > 1:13:18So, over to Ivor Pulcock.

1:13:18 > 1:13:23Hello, it's a great day for the grandmother-hurling finals

1:13:23 > 1:13:25here at Beachy Head. In the last three eliminations,

1:13:25 > 1:13:29over 100 grandmothers were successfully thrown out to sea,

1:13:29 > 1:13:33out of which, only two returned back in the penalty time

1:13:33 > 1:13:35of one-and-a-half minutes.

1:13:35 > 1:13:39Let's go over to last year's champion hurler and grandmother.

1:13:41 > 1:13:45Hello, this is Mr John Squonk, and his grandmother, Mrs Ethel Squonk.

1:13:45 > 1:13:48Good morning. Could you tell us, how old are you?

1:13:48 > 1:13:51Five-feet-three.

1:13:51 > 1:13:54And what made you offer yourself for this hurling contest?

1:13:54 > 1:13:56Well, I am a widow

1:13:56 > 1:13:59and my husband died,

1:13:59 > 1:14:01my cat died, but...

1:14:01 > 1:14:03I didn't.

1:14:03 > 1:14:06So, my gardener came and did this.

1:14:06 > 1:14:09Yes, my word. We come down here in the good weather,

1:14:09 > 1:14:12I give her several good hurls off the cliff on the weekend.

1:14:12 > 1:14:14We have some great fun and the money comes in handy.

1:14:14 > 1:14:19Hello, this is Mr Arthur Grainger and his 80-year-old grandmother.

1:14:19 > 1:14:23Major. Major... I think... Grandmother and teacher.

1:14:23 > 1:14:25And 91. 91? 91.

1:14:25 > 1:14:29Well, well, well, goodness me, 91 years of age. 91.

1:14:29 > 1:14:33And the coroner said she was dead, but...

1:14:33 > 1:14:36I got a second opinion,

1:14:36 > 1:14:38mine,

1:14:38 > 1:14:40and she was in a...

1:14:40 > 1:14:42She looked all right, so I put her...

1:14:42 > 1:14:46She's 91, you see, and they go that way in the end.

1:14:46 > 1:14:50Major... They can't help it. When you say, "They go that way..."

1:14:50 > 1:14:5491. Because she's 91? Yeah, and a major... Yourself?

1:14:54 > 1:14:56You are...? A major.

1:14:56 > 1:14:58HE MUMBLES

1:14:58 > 1:15:01Could you tell us this? Why are you...?

1:15:01 > 1:15:03HE MUMBLES I beg your pardon?

1:15:03 > 1:15:06The wind blows rough. What I wanted to know, Major...

1:15:06 > 1:15:10Put a ramp on her, Derek! Yes... Put a ramp on her! Yes.

1:15:10 > 1:15:13Major? Oh, we haven't got any blocks for the wheel.

1:15:13 > 1:15:15I'm telling him that you're 91.

1:15:15 > 1:15:19I'd like to... 91. Why are you using apparatus?

1:15:19 > 1:15:22Well, she's got, er... She's got these, er...

1:15:22 > 1:15:24weak ankles, you see, and, er,

1:15:24 > 1:15:27she's had them more than a week, actually. Two weeks.

1:15:27 > 1:15:29I suppose the straps will go round...

1:15:29 > 1:15:31The particular straps... The scrabsons on the blink.

1:15:31 > 1:15:34Because of the scrabsons on the blink? ..A scrabson on the blink.

1:15:34 > 1:15:38We've got these hairy socks and I don't like the hand-held one.

1:15:38 > 1:15:44And you prefer the traditional meth...? No, I like the hurl method.

1:15:44 > 1:15:46Hurl out to sea.

1:15:46 > 1:15:49She's left me money in the will and there's the cottage. I see.

1:15:49 > 1:15:52And, er... And this is...? I'm telling you... Yes.

1:15:52 > 1:15:54I see. So, I think we're ready...

1:15:54 > 1:15:57BELL CLANGS That sounds... She's 91 and ready.

1:15:57 > 1:16:00Right, you are. I think we're ready for the first...

1:16:00 > 1:16:03I mean...for the first hurl.

1:16:03 > 1:16:05The major is just making sure that the straps are...

1:16:05 > 1:16:07Get your fingers in your ears, Granny.

1:16:07 > 1:16:11I'll put my fingers in my ears. And clench your teeth so they don't pop.

1:16:11 > 1:16:14She's clenching her teeth now... See the rocks?

1:16:14 > 1:16:18Flatten out! He has instructed her...

1:16:18 > 1:16:22He's instructed her now to flatten out over the rocks when...

1:16:22 > 1:16:24as she's about to go. Now...

1:16:24 > 1:16:26Ready, dear? I'm ready.

1:16:29 > 1:16:33I think he's ready now. Looking at his watch, he's...

1:16:33 > 1:16:36SHE SCREAMS

1:16:36 > 1:16:39Oh, Major, that really was quite wonderful.

1:16:39 > 1:16:41I'd like to congratulate you.

1:16:41 > 1:16:45It was really a wonderful hurl. A wonderful hurl. Good for her!

1:16:45 > 1:16:49And now, John Squonk OBE with his traditional freestyle hurl.

1:16:49 > 1:16:52Don't worry, darling, the rocks will break your fault. All right, love.

1:16:52 > 1:16:53He's ready now.

1:16:53 > 1:16:55He wheels her out once, twice...

1:16:55 > 1:16:58He's building up into a powerful loop, into ever-increasing circles.

1:16:58 > 1:17:00And it's... WOMAN SCREAMS

1:17:02 > 1:17:05That was a beauty! It certainly could be a close thing.

1:17:07 > 1:17:09UPBEAT PIANO TUNE

1:17:13 > 1:17:17# Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

1:17:17 > 1:17:20# Now it looks as though they're here to stay

1:17:20 > 1:17:23# Oh, I believe in yesterday

1:17:25 > 1:17:26# Suddenly...

1:17:26 > 1:17:31# Suddenly, I'm just half the man I used...

1:17:31 > 1:17:34# There's a shadow hanging over me

1:17:34 > 1:17:37# Oh, yesterday came suddenly

1:17:37 > 1:17:39# Why she had to go I don't know

1:17:39 > 1:17:41# She wouldn't say

1:17:43 > 1:17:48# I said something wrong Now I think of yesterday... #

1:17:48 > 1:17:49Agh!

1:17:49 > 1:17:51PIANO STOPS ABRUPTLY

1:17:53 > 1:17:56# Yesterday HE PLAYS TWO NOTES

1:17:59 > 1:18:01# All my troubles seemed so far...

1:18:02 > 1:18:04# Far away

1:18:04 > 1:18:07# Now I need a place to...

1:18:07 > 1:18:08# Hide away

1:18:08 > 1:18:10# Oh, I believe...

1:18:15 > 1:18:17# In yester... Agh! Agh!

1:18:20 > 1:18:22# Yester... Agh!

1:18:25 > 1:18:27# I bel... Agh! #

1:18:34 > 1:18:36What you are seeing, at this very moment,

1:18:36 > 1:18:39is the smallest police station in the world,

1:18:39 > 1:18:42and I am but a voice-over.

1:18:43 > 1:18:44Oh, no, it isn't.

1:18:44 > 1:18:46This is the smallest police station in the world.

1:18:46 > 1:18:50Yes, it will hold three fully grown policemen,

1:18:50 > 1:18:52or eight large constables.

1:18:52 > 1:18:55Lies! That man is lying!

1:18:55 > 1:18:56I'm not, I'm standing on my head.

1:18:59 > 1:19:00Groans! Groans!

1:19:00 > 1:19:05No, this is the smallest police station in the world.

1:19:05 > 1:19:07And I should know.

1:19:07 > 1:19:10Let us put an end to these rumours.

1:19:10 > 1:19:14This is definitely the smallest police station in the world.

1:19:15 > 1:19:19I am about to incarcerate a criminal in it.

1:19:19 > 1:19:21HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

1:19:26 > 1:19:28Elementary, my dear Watson.

1:19:28 > 1:19:29Brilliant.

1:19:32 > 1:19:36I see there's only a skeleton service running tonight. Brilliant.

1:19:36 > 1:19:38OK, you dirty rat!

1:19:38 > 1:19:41Hands together! Kneel down!

1:19:41 > 1:19:43Now listen, blue eyes.

1:19:43 > 1:19:46HE SPEAKS LATIN

1:19:46 > 1:19:48Amen.

1:19:48 > 1:19:50HE WAILS

1:19:50 > 1:19:53This man is laying on his back, cutting his throat,

1:19:53 > 1:19:55groaning and overacting.

1:19:55 > 1:19:57He's wearing a greasy bowler. Brilliantine!

1:20:00 > 1:20:03But, God, he's been...

1:20:03 > 1:20:05ordained!

1:20:05 > 1:20:09MUSIC: Toccata and Fugue in D Minor by JS Bach

1:20:09 > 1:20:11Ordained? But who do you suspect?

1:20:11 > 1:20:13It looks like a typical 6?-inch collar,

1:20:13 > 1:20:15Archbishop of Canterbury job to me.

1:20:15 > 1:20:19I'm Jewish! There, there. Now, you're...

1:20:19 > 1:20:21Christian.

1:20:21 > 1:20:22Oh, my...

1:20:22 > 1:20:26We must get him to the de-ordination hospital as soon as possible.

1:20:33 > 1:20:37And lo, he came to the mountain and fell down...

1:20:38 > 1:20:41Oy!

1:20:41 > 1:20:46And so it came to pass that they all spake out...

1:20:46 > 1:20:47Oy!

1:20:47 > 1:20:49One more time!

1:20:49 > 1:20:52And all tribes...

1:20:52 > 1:20:54Oy! He doesn't know when he's beaten.

1:20:55 > 1:20:58Are you the Jewish mother?

1:20:58 > 1:21:01Well, no, actually I'm a Catholic, but I'll do anything for money.

1:21:02 > 1:21:05This is the worst case of ordination I've seen

1:21:05 > 1:21:08since Pope Pius did the Archbishop of Canterbury job.

1:21:08 > 1:21:10Remember Harley Street.

1:21:10 > 1:21:12Ha!

1:21:12 > 1:21:14Good God!

1:21:14 > 1:21:16HE GROANS

1:21:19 > 1:21:20It's taken!

1:21:20 > 1:21:25MUSIC: Toccata and Fugue in D Minor by JS Bach

1:21:25 > 1:21:28Abie! Abie!

1:21:28 > 1:21:30My name's Dick.

1:21:30 > 1:21:33Dick! Dick! Anything for money.

1:21:33 > 1:21:35WHISTLE BLOWS

1:21:35 > 1:21:37Sherlock Holmes?

1:21:37 > 1:21:38Listen to me, sergeant.

1:21:40 > 1:21:44I must warn you that anything you say that is funnier than me,

1:21:44 > 1:21:47will be cut out in the edited repeats.

1:21:47 > 1:21:49Here is a newsflash. It's been reported that

1:21:49 > 1:21:53the Archbishop of Canterbury is holding out in Lewisham.

1:21:53 > 1:21:57Exactly what he is holding out, the police will not say.

1:21:57 > 1:22:00It's also reported that he's holding an atheist hostage.

1:22:00 > 1:22:02And here is another flash.

1:22:04 > 1:22:07Archbishop of Canterbury, we know you're in there

1:22:07 > 1:22:09and we know we're out here.

1:22:09 > 1:22:12Throw out your crosiers or we'll send in the Jesuits.

1:22:13 > 1:22:17Get back, copper, I've got Margaret Thatcher prisoner.

1:22:17 > 1:22:20One step nearer, and she gets ordained.

1:22:21 > 1:22:23You fiend out of hell!

1:22:23 > 1:22:26One step nearer, and I'll kill myself.

1:22:26 > 1:22:28This is an opportunity not to be missed.

1:22:29 > 1:22:30SHE SCREAMS

1:22:33 > 1:22:35Mrs Thatcher, darling, are you all right?

1:22:37 > 1:22:38Speak to me, Mrs Thatcher.

1:22:38 > 1:22:40Speak to me! Can you hear me?

1:22:41 > 1:22:43She's deaf!

1:22:43 > 1:22:45KEITH LAUGHS

1:23:05 > 1:23:09APPLAUSE

1:23:12 > 1:23:15Mr and Mrs Aaagh. Ah.

1:23:15 > 1:23:16Come in...

1:23:29 > 1:23:30Now, then...

1:23:30 > 1:23:33which one of you two is Mr and Mrs Aaagh?

1:23:33 > 1:23:35We are.

1:23:37 > 1:23:39Do you want this privately?

1:23:39 > 1:23:41Or on the National Health?

1:23:41 > 1:23:42National 'Ealth.

1:23:54 > 1:23:57Now, then, what appears to be the trouble?

1:23:57 > 1:23:59It's me husband.

1:23:59 > 1:24:01HUSBAND QUACKS

1:24:04 > 1:24:05Husband?

1:24:05 > 1:24:08You want a solicitor, not a doctor.

1:24:08 > 1:24:11No, me husband is ill, seriously.

1:24:11 > 1:24:13Suddenly, he can't talk proper, like.

1:24:13 > 1:24:15HE QUACKS

1:24:19 > 1:24:22Has he ever talked proper, like? Oh, yes...

1:24:22 > 1:24:23HE QUACKS

1:24:25 > 1:24:29But recently, he's become very difficult to live with.

1:24:29 > 1:24:32Do you find him trying? Aye.

1:24:32 > 1:24:36Last night, I found him trying with Mrs Soper on the back step.

1:24:36 > 1:24:39That's not an illness. Aye, he soon had one, though,

1:24:39 > 1:24:43I fetched him one on the back of his nut with a coal shovel.

1:24:43 > 1:24:44HE QUACKS

1:24:44 > 1:24:47She screams and I belted him on the back of his nut again.

1:24:47 > 1:24:48HE QUACKS

1:24:48 > 1:24:52I said, "Bert, will you stop doing it while I'm trying to talk to her?"

1:24:54 > 1:24:58It were that last blow that done something to his voice. What?

1:24:58 > 1:25:00You tell him, Bert.

1:25:01 > 1:25:05VOICE BEEPS LIKE A SYNTHESISER

1:25:10 > 1:25:14Good heavens, the which of like I never have I not seen,

1:25:14 > 1:25:15which in my whole career, etc...

1:25:15 > 1:25:19Say, "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy cow."

1:25:19 > 1:25:21VOICE BEEPS LIKE A SYNTHESISER

1:25:23 > 1:25:25Does he know Little Jack Horner?

1:25:25 > 1:25:27If he lives in Deptford, yes.

1:25:28 > 1:25:30No, I mean the nursery rhyme.

1:25:30 > 1:25:33VOICE BEEPS LIKE A SYNTHESISER

1:25:46 > 1:25:50Ladies and gentlemen, there is no known cure for this disease,

1:25:50 > 1:25:53therefore there can be no known ending to this sketch.

1:25:53 > 1:25:55HE QUACKS

1:26:11 > 1:26:13AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

1:26:25 > 1:26:27Here's a way of breaking eggs

1:26:27 > 1:26:29without dirtying your hands.

1:26:29 > 1:26:31Right?

1:26:31 > 1:26:33And here's a way of losing weight rapidly.

1:26:36 > 1:26:39Another thing - stains. Now, here's a way of saving money

1:26:39 > 1:26:42on stains by not buying washing powder.

1:26:47 > 1:26:51Now, food bills - here's a way of cutting down on family food bills.

1:26:52 > 1:26:54THEY SCREAM

1:27:00 > 1:27:02Steady now, steady now, now...

1:27:02 > 1:27:05Take all your clothes off, stand in front of a mirror naked...

1:27:05 > 1:27:07WOMAN IN AUDIENCE SHRIEKS

1:27:08 > 1:27:12..and when you've stopped screaming...see if you can do this,

1:27:12 > 1:27:14watch this, watch the monitor.

1:27:20 > 1:27:22You fool, camera two!

1:27:22 > 1:27:24You've given away the secret of a year.

1:27:24 > 1:27:26It's all they do give away at the BBC.

1:27:26 > 1:27:27HE SNIFFS

1:27:27 > 1:27:29Get the Odour Eaters, the Odour Eaters!

1:27:29 > 1:27:33SWING MUSIC PLAYS

1:27:37 > 1:27:40# In a little town where life goes on

1:27:40 > 1:27:43# There's a most fantastic fellow

1:27:43 > 1:27:45# He's the leader of the village choir

1:27:45 > 1:27:47# And his voice is warm and mellow

1:27:47 > 1:27:50# He drives a fruit cart around the street

1:27:50 > 1:27:52# And everybody knows it

1:27:52 > 1:27:55# He doesn't sing or rave about his fruit

1:27:55 > 1:27:57# He simply blows it... #

1:28:00 > 1:28:03HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:28:03 > 1:28:05# Doing it all day long... #

1:28:05 > 1:28:08HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:28:08 > 1:28:10# It's better than any song

1:28:10 > 1:28:12# Though it isn't very pretty

1:28:12 > 1:28:14# You've got to admit it's cute

1:28:14 > 1:28:17# So all together let it go... #

1:28:17 > 1:28:19HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:28:19 > 1:28:20# Eat more fruit... #

1:28:20 > 1:28:22THEY ALL BLOW RASPBERRIES

1:28:22 > 1:28:25# It's certainly come to stay... #

1:28:25 > 1:28:26HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:28:26 > 1:28:29# You can hear him say

1:28:29 > 1:28:31# Hey, fruit's in season

1:28:31 > 1:28:34# Plenty of berries, apples, plums and the old raspberries... #

1:28:34 > 1:28:36HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:28:36 > 1:28:38# Let's eat the best today

1:28:44 > 1:28:47# Every Friday night when work is done

1:28:47 > 1:28:49# He never wastes a minute

1:28:49 > 1:28:52# To the village hall he hurries round

1:28:52 > 1:28:54# Where he sings just like a linnet

1:28:54 > 1:28:57# To hear him blow a melody

1:28:57 > 1:28:59# It's great, you can't deny it

1:28:59 > 1:29:02# And if you've nothing else to do

1:29:02 > 1:29:04# I'd like you all to try it... #

1:29:07 > 1:29:09HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:29:09 > 1:29:12# Get ready and do it now... #

1:29:12 > 1:29:14HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:29:14 > 1:29:17# It's easy when you know how

1:29:17 > 1:29:19# Though it isn't very pretty

1:29:19 > 1:29:21# You've got to admit it's cute

1:29:21 > 1:29:24# So all together let it go... #

1:29:24 > 1:29:25HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:29:25 > 1:29:27# Eat more fruit

1:29:27 > 1:29:29HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:29:29 > 1:29:31# It's certainly come to stay... #

1:29:31 > 1:29:33HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:29:33 > 1:29:35# It's a treat to hear him say

1:29:35 > 1:29:39# Hey, do, te, la, so, fa, me, ray, do... #

1:29:39 > 1:29:41HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:29:42 > 1:29:45# Everything is fresh today... #

1:30:06 > 1:30:08HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:30:08 > 1:30:11# It's certainly come to stay

1:30:11 > 1:30:12HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:30:12 > 1:30:14# It's a treat to hear him say

1:30:14 > 1:30:17# Hey, fruit's in season

1:30:17 > 1:30:20# Plenty there, apples, plums and the old raspberries... #

1:30:20 > 1:30:22HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:30:22 > 1:30:25# Everything is fresh today... #

1:30:25 > 1:30:29HE BLOWS A TUNEFUL RASPBERRY

1:30:31 > 1:30:32APPLAUSE

1:30:32 > 1:30:38# Land of hope and glory

1:30:38 > 1:30:43# Mother of the free

1:30:45 > 1:30:50# God, who made thee mighty

1:30:50 > 1:30:55# Make thee mightier yet

1:30:55 > 1:31:00# Wider still and wider

1:31:00 > 1:31:04# May the power... #

1:31:04 > 1:31:05HE SPLUTTERS

1:31:05 > 1:31:10# The song played forever

1:31:10 > 1:31:15# Make thee mightier yet

1:31:15 > 1:31:21# God, who made thee mighty

1:31:21 > 1:31:25# Make thee mightier yet. #

1:31:27 > 1:31:29You've talked about TV, but what about this world now?

1:31:29 > 1:31:32The whole internet, computer world? I know nothing.

1:31:32 > 1:31:35All I can tell you, it is going to screw us up.

1:31:37 > 1:31:39FOX CRIES

1:31:47 > 1:31:51The attention span, sort of thing, is going to be...

1:31:51 > 1:31:55I think they're already noticing that kids are losing that...

1:31:59 > 1:32:01FOX CRIES

1:32:03 > 1:32:07I mean, I like a book, you know, I like the smell of 'em, you know,

1:32:07 > 1:32:11I like the paper. I come from a way back, you know, so...

1:32:11 > 1:32:15To possess something and have something meant having...

1:32:15 > 1:32:19having it in your hand, you know, whether it was a record, a book.

1:32:19 > 1:32:22And you put it on a shelf, you knew where it was.

1:32:22 > 1:32:25I'm just a little antsy about thinking it's just somewhere

1:32:25 > 1:32:26in the airwaves...

1:32:26 > 1:32:29And I just do that and I hear it once.

1:32:29 > 1:32:32"Oh, great..." I want to look at it.

1:32:32 > 1:32:36I want to touch it, I want to feel it and I want to smell it.

1:32:36 > 1:32:40And you're not going to get a lot of that out of a phone.

1:32:40 > 1:32:48Probably... You'll find a resurgence of desire for books in a few years.

1:32:48 > 1:32:52You're going through a technological revolution right now.

1:32:52 > 1:32:56And everybody's fallen for it like suckers.

1:32:56 > 1:32:59And...they'll get over it, you know...

1:32:59 > 1:33:01When the electricity runs out.

1:33:01 > 1:33:03MUSIC: Fire by The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown

1:33:03 > 1:33:05# I am the God of hell fire And I bring you

1:33:05 > 1:33:07# Fire

1:33:07 > 1:33:09# I'll take you to burn

1:33:11 > 1:33:12# Fire

1:33:14 > 1:33:15# I'll take you to learn

1:33:18 > 1:33:20# I'll see you burn

1:33:24 > 1:33:29# You've fought hard and you've saved and earned

1:33:29 > 1:33:32# But all of it's going to burn

1:33:32 > 1:33:34# And your mind, your tiny mind

1:33:34 > 1:33:36# You know you've really been so blind

1:33:36 > 1:33:39# Now's your time, burn your mind You're falling far too far behind

1:33:39 > 1:33:41# Oh, no

1:33:41 > 1:33:43# Oh, no

1:33:43 > 1:33:44# Oh, no

1:33:45 > 1:33:47# You're gonna burn!

1:33:50 > 1:33:52# Fire

1:33:52 > 1:33:54# To destroy all you've done

1:33:57 > 1:33:58# Fire

1:33:59 > 1:34:01# To end all you've become

1:34:03 > 1:34:06# I'll feel you burn

1:34:10 > 1:34:15# You've been living like a little girl

1:34:15 > 1:34:19# In the middle of your little world

1:34:21 > 1:34:25# And your mind, your tiny mind, you know you've really been so blind

1:34:25 > 1:34:30# Now's your time, burn your mind You're falling far too far behind

1:34:30 > 1:34:35# Ooooooooh

1:34:35 > 1:34:36# Fire

1:34:38 > 1:34:40# I'll take you to burn

1:34:42 > 1:34:43# Fire

1:34:44 > 1:34:47# I'll take you to learn

1:34:50 > 1:34:52# You're gonna burn

1:34:53 > 1:34:55# You're gonna burn

1:34:57 > 1:34:58# You're gonna burn

1:34:58 > 1:35:02# Burn, burn, burn, burn

1:35:02 > 1:35:04# Burn, burn, burn, burn

1:35:04 > 1:35:07# Burn, burn, burn, burn

1:35:07 > 1:35:12# Ahhhh, ha-ha-ha...

1:35:17 > 1:35:19# Fire

1:35:20 > 1:35:22# I'll take you to burn

1:35:24 > 1:35:25# Fire

1:35:27 > 1:35:29# I'll take you to learn

1:35:31 > 1:35:32# Fire

1:35:33 > 1:35:35# I'll take to burn

1:35:38 > 1:35:39# Fire

1:35:41 > 1:35:44# Fire... #

1:35:44 > 1:35:46I don't want to be that connected to everybody,

1:35:46 > 1:35:49which is why I don't have a phone or a computer.

1:35:49 > 1:35:52Mind you, I have people that do, but...

1:35:52 > 1:35:55But surely there's some good things about the internet?

1:35:55 > 1:35:57Isn't it a good way of absorbing information?

1:35:57 > 1:35:59Yeah, but how much can you absorb - what are you,

1:35:59 > 1:36:01a piece of blotting paper, or what, Julien?

1:36:01 > 1:36:03HE CHUCKLES

1:36:03 > 1:36:06Things that people used to keep to themselves

1:36:06 > 1:36:08and work out and figure out themselves,

1:36:08 > 1:36:10are now sort of done online,

1:36:10 > 1:36:13which is sort of second-hand living, to me.

1:36:14 > 1:36:17Bloody...thing...won't work...

1:36:19 > 1:36:22ANNOUNCER: Here's an announcement about reception conditions...

1:36:28 > 1:36:31INTERFERENCE

1:36:34 > 1:36:39The weird fascination with gossip. I don't have time for it, man.

1:36:39 > 1:36:44They'll tell you, any of those Apples and Verizons -

1:36:44 > 1:36:46"Where's the money in this? Gossip."

1:36:46 > 1:36:4910% business, 90% yap, yap.

1:36:49 > 1:36:52It's like going to dinner when people, you know...

1:36:52 > 1:36:56You sit around a table and everybody's going like this.

1:36:56 > 1:37:00You think, "What's the point of sitting around a table with yous?"

1:37:00 > 1:37:03And I see it as almost like an addiction now,

1:37:03 > 1:37:05that nobody's gonna get out of.

1:37:05 > 1:37:07Me, I can cure myself.

1:37:07 > 1:37:09Of whatever I'm hooked on.

1:37:09 > 1:37:14But I don't think the world will be able to cure itself of the computer.

1:37:14 > 1:37:17I hope you'll get over it, you know.

1:37:17 > 1:37:19It ain't as hard as cold turkey.

1:37:20 > 1:37:26And then all I've got to do is just squeeze until the bird's full.

1:37:26 > 1:37:27INTERFERENCE

1:37:27 > 1:37:30A blast of static.

1:37:30 > 1:37:34It's up to you, guys, if you want to talk to each other that much but...

1:37:34 > 1:37:37don't call me. I got no number.

1:37:38 > 1:37:44MUSIC: Shake For Me by Howlin' Wolf

1:37:44 > 1:37:50# Sure look good, you don't mean a thing

1:37:53 > 1:37:55# Sure look good

1:37:55 > 1:37:58# You don't mean a thing

1:38:00 > 1:38:03# I got a crazy woman

1:38:03 > 1:38:06# Shake like a willow tree

1:38:08 > 1:38:10# Well, shake it, baby

1:38:12 > 1:38:13# Shake it for me

1:38:16 > 1:38:19# Oh, shake it, baby

1:38:19 > 1:38:22# Shake it for me

1:38:25 > 1:38:28# I got a crazy woman

1:38:28 > 1:38:30# Sweet as she can be

1:38:33 > 1:38:36# You'd better wait

1:38:36 > 1:38:38# You got back too late

1:38:41 > 1:38:44# Oh, you went away and left

1:38:44 > 1:38:47# You done got back too late

1:38:49 > 1:38:52# Now I got me another woman

1:38:52 > 1:38:55# Shake like Jell-O

1:38:57 > 1:38:58# Well...

1:39:22 > 1:39:25# She's my baby

1:39:25 > 1:39:27# You know she's fine

1:39:29 > 1:39:32# Oh, she's my baby woman

1:39:32 > 1:39:35# You know she's fine, you know

1:39:38 > 1:39:40# Every time she shake

1:39:40 > 1:39:43# Her flesh shake like jelly

1:39:45 > 1:39:47# Well, shake

1:39:49 > 1:39:50# Shake, shake

1:39:53 > 1:39:55# Oh

1:39:56 > 1:39:59# The way you shake it for me

1:40:02 > 1:40:04# I got a crazy woman

1:40:04 > 1:40:07# Shake like jelly on a plate. #

1:41:02 > 1:41:05This is Ron Wood. And Keith Richards.

1:41:05 > 1:41:06And, er...

1:41:06 > 1:41:10we're watching MTV in stereo

1:41:10 > 1:41:14and you'll never look at TV the same way again. Start it again.

1:41:14 > 1:41:16THEY LAUGH

1:41:16 > 1:41:17"Never look at music."

1:41:18 > 1:41:21This is Keith Richards. This is Ron Wood.

1:41:21 > 1:41:22We're watching MTV...

1:41:22 > 1:41:24BOTH: ..in stereo!

1:41:24 > 1:41:29And we'll never look at music the same way again.

1:41:29 > 1:41:30DIRECTOR: Perfect.

1:41:30 > 1:41:31Trust a pro.

1:41:31 > 1:41:33The music video thing...

1:41:33 > 1:41:36Let's face it, Julien, 30-odd years ago,

1:41:36 > 1:41:38that's what we did together, right?

1:41:38 > 1:41:40I don't think anybody saw that coming,

1:41:40 > 1:41:45that you would, like, hook visuals to sound.

1:41:45 > 1:41:49You make a record and they say, "And now, the video..."

1:41:49 > 1:41:54The musicians and the guys that have made the record... OK...

1:41:54 > 1:41:57And then they go and talk to a director...

1:41:57 > 1:42:04who has his own vision of what this piece of music's about

1:42:04 > 1:42:08and you're kind of like, "Mm, maybe, you know, why not?"

1:42:08 > 1:42:12But at the same time, that's interesting, you know...

1:42:12 > 1:42:15Sometimes... A guy's written a song

1:42:15 > 1:42:19and the director has taken it totally the other way and...

1:42:19 > 1:42:22you say, "What the hell's going on here?"

1:42:22 > 1:42:25And then, of course, there's all of that over-the-top stuff,

1:42:25 > 1:42:29just trying to excite the eyes and the song goes bye-bye.

1:42:32 > 1:42:36Our eyeballs will go for anything, they're the whores of our senses.

1:42:36 > 1:42:39The ears are a little more discriminating.

1:42:39 > 1:42:43But the eyes... Just show it to them and they'll go for it.

1:42:48 > 1:42:52And sometimes it can counter...react to what you're trying to play.

1:42:52 > 1:42:55Hey, when it works, it really works.

1:42:55 > 1:42:58There was some great videos made and we made a couple of good'uns.

1:43:03 > 1:43:07DISTANT GUNSHOTS

1:43:14 > 1:43:15MACHINE GUNFIRE

1:43:15 > 1:43:19MUSIC: Undercover Of The Night by The Rolling Stones

1:43:41 > 1:43:43# Heard the screams of Centre 42

1:43:44 > 1:43:47# Loud enough to bust your brains out

1:43:49 > 1:43:53# The opposition's tongue is cut in two

1:43:53 > 1:43:55# Keep off the street cos you're in danger

1:43:57 > 1:44:01# 100,000 disparus

1:44:01 > 1:44:03# Lost in the jails in South America

1:44:04 > 1:44:07# Cuddle up, baby

1:44:07 > 1:44:09# Cuddle up tight

1:44:09 > 1:44:11# Cuddle up, baby

1:44:11 > 1:44:13# Keep it all out of sight

1:44:13 > 1:44:15# Undercover

1:44:15 > 1:44:16# Keep it all out of sight

1:44:16 > 1:44:19# Undercover of the night

1:44:28 > 1:44:32# The sex police are out there on the streets

1:44:32 > 1:44:35# Make sure the pass laws are not broken

1:44:36 > 1:44:40# The race militia has got itchy fingers

1:44:40 > 1:44:44# All the way from New York back to Africa

1:44:44 > 1:44:46# Cuddle up, baby

1:44:46 > 1:44:48# Keep it all out of sight

1:44:48 > 1:44:50# Cuddle up, baby

1:44:50 > 1:44:52# Keep it all out of sight

1:44:52 > 1:44:54# Cuddle up, baby

1:44:54 > 1:44:56# Keep it all out of sight

1:44:56 > 1:44:58# Undercover

1:44:58 > 1:45:00# Undercover

1:45:00 > 1:45:02# Undercover

1:45:02 > 1:45:04# Keep it all out of sight

1:45:04 > 1:45:07# Undercover of the night

1:45:16 > 1:45:20# All the young men they've been rounded up

1:45:20 > 1:45:22# And sent to camps back in the jungle

1:45:23 > 1:45:27# And people whisper People double-talk

1:45:28 > 1:45:31# And once-proud fathers act so humble

1:45:31 > 1:45:35# All the young girls They have got the blues

1:45:35 > 1:45:38# They're heading on back to Centre 42

1:45:38 > 1:45:41# Keep it undercover

1:45:41 > 1:45:42# Keep it all out of sight

1:45:42 > 1:45:45# Keep it undercover

1:45:45 > 1:45:47# Keep it all out of sight #

1:45:47 > 1:45:49# Undercover

1:45:49 > 1:45:51# Keep it all out of sight

1:45:51 > 1:45:53# Undercover

1:45:57 > 1:45:59# Keep it all out of sight

1:45:59 > 1:46:02# Undercover of the night

1:46:49 > 1:46:53# Down in the bars The girls are painted blue

1:46:53 > 1:46:57# Done up in lace, done up in rubber

1:46:57 > 1:47:01# The johns are jerky little GI Joes

1:47:01 > 1:47:04# On R from Cuba and Russia

1:47:05 > 1:47:08# The smell of sex, the smell of suicide

1:47:10 > 1:47:13# All these dream things I can't keep inside

1:47:13 > 1:47:15# Undercover

1:47:15 > 1:47:17# Keep it all out of sight

1:47:17 > 1:47:20# Undercover of the night

1:47:29 > 1:47:31# Undercover of the night

1:47:33 > 1:47:35# Undercover of the night

1:47:37 > 1:47:40# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

1:47:40 > 1:47:41# Ow

1:47:41 > 1:47:44# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

1:47:44 > 1:47:45# Ow

1:47:45 > 1:47:48# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

1:47:48 > 1:47:49# Ow

1:47:49 > 1:47:52# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

1:47:52 > 1:47:55# Undercover, undercover

1:47:55 > 1:47:58# Undercover of the night. #

1:48:02 > 1:48:04When we made that video,

1:48:04 > 1:48:06I remember you taking me for a ride around Paris

1:48:06 > 1:48:08in your mothballed Ferrari, you had then.

1:48:08 > 1:48:10I don't believe I did it...

1:48:10 > 1:48:12THEY LAUGH

1:48:12 > 1:48:15ENGINE ROARS

1:48:28 > 1:48:30TYRES SQUEAL

1:49:12 > 1:49:14TYRES SQUEAL

1:50:25 > 1:50:29TYRES SQUEAL

1:52:43 > 1:52:46TYRES SQUEAL

1:54:59 > 1:55:01TYRES SQUEAL

1:55:44 > 1:55:47TYRES SQUEAL

1:56:05 > 1:56:08DISTANT BELLS TOLL

1:56:12 > 1:56:14Don't try that at home, folks.

1:56:17 > 1:56:20What about when you wrote your book? Was there any sense

1:56:20 > 1:56:22that you want to cover anything up or...?

1:56:22 > 1:56:25You should see the blue pages, baby...

1:56:25 > 1:56:27THEY LAUGH

1:56:27 > 1:56:31The real book ended up on the editing room floor.

1:56:31 > 1:56:34HE LAUGHS

1:56:35 > 1:56:38You couldn't prove some of the things I said,

1:56:38 > 1:56:39although I know they were true...

1:56:39 > 1:56:42Yeah. ..especially about Scotland Yard.

1:56:46 > 1:56:48FOX CRIES

1:56:51 > 1:56:54Doing the book was like reliving your life twice,

1:56:54 > 1:56:58and it actually took me a year or two after the book came out

1:56:58 > 1:57:03to sort of...get out of that head...you know...

1:57:03 > 1:57:07Because, yeah, it affected me more than I had imagined.

1:57:07 > 1:57:10Remembering everything and dragging things out of the attic -

1:57:10 > 1:57:14"I wish I'd forgotten that." Most people don't have to do that.

1:57:14 > 1:57:16HE CHUCKLES

1:57:16 > 1:57:18Some people would block it out, yeah...

1:57:18 > 1:57:21I don't think you can ever forget, do you?

1:57:21 > 1:57:23You just, like, rub it out.

1:57:23 > 1:57:27Oblivion to the things you wanna forget, right?

1:57:27 > 1:57:29And all the nice bits, you remember and...

1:57:29 > 1:57:34When you've actually got to put it down on a page -

1:57:34 > 1:57:36it was a piece of work for me...

1:57:36 > 1:57:41And thank God for James Fox for being able to articulate

1:57:41 > 1:57:43the stuff that was coming out, and....

1:57:43 > 1:57:46You know, I love it dearly. I'm glad I did it

1:57:46 > 1:57:49but it was a...

1:57:49 > 1:57:50Yeah...it was a process.

1:57:52 > 1:57:55One really poetic phrase used in the book is,

1:57:55 > 1:57:58"The past is like a broken mirror." I love that.

1:57:58 > 1:58:00Well, have you looked at yours?

1:58:00 > 1:58:03THEY LAUGH

1:58:03 > 1:58:05You'll know exactly what it means! RAT SQUEAKS