0:00:03 > 0:00:05Suddenly, the Stones were making some bread.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07I was going to buy them... And I set Mum up in
0:00:07 > 0:00:10a nice house that she likes and dah-dah...
0:00:10 > 0:00:13And the weirdest thing being that,
0:00:13 > 0:00:16within a year of me leaving home,
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Mum and Dad separated.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21The cuckoo's flown the nest!
0:00:21 > 0:00:22And I took care of Mum, you know?
0:00:22 > 0:00:26My dad, I had no contact with him until...
0:00:26 > 0:00:291982.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31It was, like, 20 years later.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36And I meet this bloke...
0:00:38 > 0:00:43..that is totally different from the man I grew up with.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Because I meet this little old...
0:00:47 > 0:00:50For him as rummy...
0:00:50 > 0:00:56and the pipe and rum, and that's the bit of me
0:00:56 > 0:01:02that I never got to know and so for the next 20 years,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06we lived together like that, you know? Like mates.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And it was a great, great feeling. Yeah.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Because I've been able to love my mum and finally get back
0:01:15 > 0:01:20together with the old man, and what an old bugger.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22And I showed him the world.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26"Come on, let's get on the plane and do this!"
0:01:26 > 0:01:28And, you know...
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And he was amazed and I heard from other people that
0:01:32 > 0:01:36he's very proud of me, which is, you know...
0:01:38 > 0:01:43You see, he worked for General Electric, making valves.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47And when I showed him what I worked with, which is, like,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50you know, Fender amplifiers, Gibson and that...
0:01:51 > 0:01:55..he would tell me every valve.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"Oh, that's the A43, that's the 89."
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And suddenly I realised a weird connection between our lives.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Without my amplifier, I'm nowhere.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07And he could tell me how it was built.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25# Just because you find yourself
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# Off the streets again
0:02:29 > 0:02:33# That don't mean that I can't help you
0:02:33 > 0:02:35# Or I ain't your friend
0:02:36 > 0:02:41# Baby, trouble is your middle name
0:02:41 > 0:02:45# Your trouble is that that's your game
0:02:47 > 0:02:50# Now you're out of circulation
0:02:50 > 0:02:54# Out of reach and out of touch
0:02:54 > 0:02:57# Let me keep you in the loop
0:02:57 > 0:03:00# Though I can't tell you much
0:03:01 > 0:03:05# Baby, trouble is your middle name
0:03:05 > 0:03:09# Your trouble is that that's your game
0:03:11 > 0:03:12# Oh, yeah
0:03:49 > 0:03:51# Ooh, baby, trouble. #
0:03:58 > 0:04:01And now, let's meet our first contestant.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Will you come in and sign in, please.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:18All right, panel, as you probably have realised,
0:04:18 > 0:04:23there is an area of identification here that might be in
0:04:23 > 0:04:27appearance, costuming, name, some area of identification which
0:04:27 > 0:04:30would give you too much information, so you're blindfolded.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Let's let the folks and our friends here in the theatre
0:04:32 > 0:04:34know exactly what your line is.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Right.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Panel, our guest, who must also be an unnamed, is self-employed.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52With that, let's begin the general questioning with Arlene Francis.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Are you associated with any of the arts?
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Yes.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Um...
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Would you ever have been seen on television?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yes.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Are you a performer?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Yes.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Um, would you be considered a leading man?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Yes.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:18May I... I've got to move in here.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Actually, in the general context of the questioning,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24we would have to accept that all the affirmative replies,
0:05:24 > 0:05:28except perhaps the last one, are not misleading in any major degree.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31However, I think the last answer IS misleading and we could not
0:05:31 > 0:05:34accurately describe our guest as a leading man.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37He's a misleading man! A misleading man, yes.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39One down and nine to go. Mr Cerf.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Have you achieved eminence in some field other than television?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Yes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Would it be the sort of exploit that might possibly reach
0:05:51 > 0:05:53the front page of a newspaper?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yes.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Is it an exploit that's been on the front page of
0:05:59 > 0:06:02the newspapers within the past couple of weeks?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Um, no. No? Two down and eight to go. Miss Kilgallen.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Um, do you imagine that we're blindfolded because
0:06:13 > 0:06:16one or more of us would recognise you at sight?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Yes.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Hmm? Yes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Yes.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Are you accustomed to appearing before audiences?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Yes.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33When you appear before audiences,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36do you ever wear less then you're wearing now?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:40When you appear before audiences,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43do you ever wear less than you are wearing now?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I would say that under certain specific conditions,
0:06:46 > 0:06:49it is not impossible that our guest would wear less than is
0:06:49 > 0:06:52being worn now, but it's not necessarily germane to what
0:06:52 > 0:06:55it is we're trying to arrive at.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Is that a yes or a no? LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:01That is a kind of up-and-down "yes".
0:07:02 > 0:07:06All right. Do you have anything to do with...
0:07:06 > 0:07:09sports or any form of athletic endeavour?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Yes. LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Small conference.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19THEY QUIETLY CONFER
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Yes. All right.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Now, I think it would be too misleading to suggest that
0:07:30 > 0:07:33our guest had a basic affiliation with sports.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37This is not to say that it's not within the compass of his enjoyment
0:07:37 > 0:07:40to indulge in this particular endeavour. Thank you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Three down and seven to go. Mr Lawford.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Do you appear continuously on television?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49By that I mean once a week or once a month, can I see you?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55No. No. Four down and six to go. Miss Francis.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Do you use anything in your hands for your job?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Yes.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Would you be considered a writer? Yes.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:12There's nothing this man doesn't do.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17What we have to guess is an all-around man.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Are you well-known because of a book that has been published of yours?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Miss Arlene, if I may interrupt here,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I would have to agree that we must consider that our guest is a writer.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34We're going to agree that we must consider that our guest is a writer?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:42The talents of our guest are not encompassed entirely in this area of work.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Oh. Then you can do several things? Except sports.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51That a fair assumption, yeah. Uh-huh.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Does he write humorously?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Yes and no. LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:59The answer then, I think, is properly yes and no.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Oh.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Um...does he ever do any drawing, like comic strips?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Yes. LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Yes?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Is there something quite unusual about our guest?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18LAUGHTER
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I beg your pardon, Arlene? APPLAUSE
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I just ask if there is something unusual because everything
0:09:24 > 0:09:26that he does, the audience laughs about.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32You are a human being? LAUGHTER
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Very much so, Bennett. Very much so.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Have you ever written a book that was published by my firm?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Yes. LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Is it possible that we have not yet struck upon
0:09:48 > 0:09:51the major thing that our guest is famous for?
0:09:51 > 0:09:52That is very possible.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56He is still maintaining that he's a performer?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Well, yes,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01in the degree that he was asked if he had anything to do with
0:10:01 > 0:10:03the arts and then was asked if he was a performer.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06In that large context, we would have to accept
0:10:06 > 0:10:09that he was indeed a performer.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11THEY QUIETLY CONFER
0:10:11 > 0:10:12ARLENE FRANCIS: Do you want a conference?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Yes, I'd love a conference, Arlene.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Was there a call for a conference? May we have a conference, John?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19You may have 15 seconds for a conference,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21and I'm going to give you one minute more to get it.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Ask if he could use his moustache to paint. Oh!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Have you a moustache that is rather well-known,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34in fact, could you be almost caricatured just by that?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35Yes.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Oh, well, thank you, Arlene. Are you Salvador Dali?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Salvador Dali is right. APPLAUSE
0:10:41 > 0:10:45MUSIC: Fame by David Bowie
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Fame.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Fame is something that everybody who isn't, wants to be, you know?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10At the same time it's...
0:11:11 > 0:11:15You'd better learn to live with it if you want to be famous.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19With the Stones, we didn't want to be famous,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21we just wanted to make records,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23and you immediately realise that
0:11:23 > 0:11:27in order to make a record, then it's PR and then it's fame,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29you know, almost immediately.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You kind of saw the effect it had
0:11:32 > 0:11:35differently on different people around you, you know?
0:11:35 > 0:11:41I mean, I guess Brian Jones would be the famous example.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47One minute he's part of the band, great guy, you know, we're playing.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Two weeks of fame and the man has gone bye-bye.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Sky-high.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09That was the first illustration to me about fame, you know,
0:12:09 > 0:12:14with somebody I knew closely and we worked together
0:12:14 > 0:12:17getting this ancient form of weaving down.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18You know, we had two guitars sound like one,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21and you don't care who's doing what.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And suddenly...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28..it was pie in the sky
0:12:28 > 0:12:30and, you know...whoa.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39And when you're working that hard, you're working 350 days a year, man.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43You know, bam, bam. Nonstop, you know?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46This is hard, hard road work
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and you don't have time to carry passengers.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51So you get antsy, you know?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Mick certainly changed through fame.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57I probably have too, to a certain extent,
0:12:57 > 0:12:58but I mean, I've always...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00kind of...
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I'm very anti-showbiz and
0:13:06 > 0:13:08get carried away by it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11To me it would be...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14a sort of failure of the spirit.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18There's a lot of downsides to fame, you know?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I really have a fear of basically...
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Not a fear, but I just don't go to movie houses,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I don't go to cinemas,
0:13:28 > 0:13:32because I find myself sitting there looking at the exit signs
0:13:32 > 0:13:35and just waiting for one asshole to go,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37"It's Keith Richards!"
0:13:37 > 0:13:42and then I ruin the movie for everybody and I go do a runner.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46A lot of things get taken away from you by being famous.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I'd like to be famously anonymous, really.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Fame's the two-edged sword.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58And it's ouch. Whichever side of the blade cuts you,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00it's going to cut you.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02But you live with it,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04and I mean, I've been 19,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08I've been a bloody star, you know?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I've been anti-star, you know...all the time,
0:14:12 > 0:14:18but I realised it's a losing fight, quite honestly.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Some people love it.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Ronnie loves being famous
0:14:26 > 0:14:28and he can handle it.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33He doesn't mind bumping into crowds of people going,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"Hey, Ronnie, I love you!"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37and bless his heart.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39But I did a lot of hiding, you know,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41hence the heroin. Yeah.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It was my escape, you know?
0:14:54 > 0:15:01Night-time brings on ideas of mystery, possibilities, dreams.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Even though you're awake, you're dreaming.
0:15:05 > 0:15:11# Last night your shadow fell upon my lonely room
0:15:12 > 0:15:17# I touched your golden hair and tasted your perfume
0:15:19 > 0:15:24# Your eyes were filled with love the way they used to be
0:15:26 > 0:15:31# Your gentle hand reached out to comfort me
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# Then came the dawn
0:15:38 > 0:15:42# And you were gone
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# You were gone, gone, gone
0:15:48 > 0:15:52# I had too much to dream last night
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# Too much to dream
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# I'm not ready to face the light
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# I had too much to dream
0:16:01 > 0:16:02# Last night
0:16:04 > 0:16:05# Last night
0:16:08 > 0:16:13# The room was empty as I staggered from my bed
0:16:14 > 0:16:19# I could not bear the image racing through my head
0:16:21 > 0:16:26# You were so real that I could feel your eagerness
0:16:28 > 0:16:35# And when you raised your lips for me to kiss
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# Came the dawn
0:16:38 > 0:16:41# And you were gone
0:16:41 > 0:16:44# You were gone, gone, gone
0:16:48 > 0:16:52# I had too much to dream last night
0:16:52 > 0:16:54# Too much to dream
0:16:54 > 0:16:57# I'm not ready to face the light
0:16:57 > 0:17:00# I had too much to dream
0:17:00 > 0:17:01# Last night
0:17:03 > 0:17:05# Last night
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# Oh, too much to dream
0:17:09 > 0:17:12# Oh, too much to dream... #
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Night-time, you feel an extra sense of freedom than you do in the day.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20And I guess you can get addicted to it,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24or you get so used to it that it becomes normal.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Good evening.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Alfred, well, he's so intriguing, ain't he?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45You still wonder what the dirty old man was up to.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51He had a way of telling a story.
0:17:51 > 0:17:5739 Steps, that opening scene in the musical with Mr Memory...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Mr Memory. APPLAUSE
0:18:02 > 0:18:05..and the MC and the bloke going,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"What causes pip in poultry?"
0:18:07 > 0:18:10You know, it's brilliant cinema.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I can still remember the song.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15HE SINGS TUNE
0:18:16 > 0:18:18See, musical.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24And then, of course, the whole thing's changed with the gunshot.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27GUNSHOT It was the usual McGuffin, you know,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30the missing finger.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32We all know Alf made many others,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35but I thought that one is particularly British.