0:00:06 > 0:00:09This is a bootleg television wake-up call.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Do not adjust your set.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Repeat - do not adjust your set.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Normal service will not be resumed.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20Welcome to the permanent night shift.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Keith Richards at the controls, calling all night owls and hipsters.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27This is a reality hacking incident.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30For the next nine hours, you're invited to ride with me.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Through the night and out the other side.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36A random night flight across uncharted airwaves.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Fasten your safety belts, the weekend starts here.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48# Well, here it comes
0:00:50 > 0:00:54# Here comes the night
0:00:55 > 0:01:00# Here comes the night
0:01:00 > 0:01:02# Oh, yeah
0:01:06 > 0:01:09# I can see right out my window
0:01:09 > 0:01:13# Walkin' down the street my girl with another guy
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# His arms around her like it used to be with me
0:01:19 > 0:01:23# Oh, it makes me want to die
0:01:23 > 0:01:25# Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# Well, here it comes
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# Here comes the night
0:01:34 > 0:01:38# Here comes the night
0:01:39 > 0:01:43# Oh, oh, oh, yeah. #
0:02:05 > 0:02:07# She's with him He's turning down the lights
0:02:07 > 0:02:10# And now he's holding her the way I used to do
0:02:14 > 0:02:17# I can see her closing her eyes and telling him lies
0:02:17 > 0:02:21# Exactly like she told me, too
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:02:24 > 0:02:27# Well, here it comes
0:02:27 > 0:02:32# Here comes the night
0:02:32 > 0:02:35# The long, the long the lonely night. #
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Night happens.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40After about 12 hours, er...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44..you know, there's night.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46You know, my favourite time of day.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I have nothing at all against daylight.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I love sunshine as much as anybody, you know?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It's the nature of my job.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02You don't play music to people in the morning or the afternoon.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07When people get off of work and they've done their day, you know,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10at the grind, they're looking to be entertained.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11They want to listen to music.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14They want to see movies, whatever.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16It's the way that the human race goes round.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20While they're working, we're sleeping.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28And when they want to have some fun at night, you know, we're working,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31and playing, and it's a night shift, basically, you know?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Inevitably you become...
0:03:34 > 0:03:38nocturnal by nature, basically.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40It's what you do. You're on the night shift forever.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45I mean, my nine-to-five is the opposite to most, you know?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49# Cos the night has a thousand eyes
0:03:49 > 0:03:55# And a thousand eyes can't help but see
0:03:55 > 0:03:58# If you are true to me. #
0:04:01 > 0:04:05INTERVIEWER: You were probably one of the first people with a video recorder?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I was probably one of the earliest ones.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Probably Bill Wyman beat me to it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12But that was the same time I had kids.
0:04:14 > 0:04:20It would, like, really take care of a lot of business for a while, you know?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Knock them up breakfast, put on The Thunderbirds...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28..and everybody's happy.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56DOG SNORES
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Hey, wait a minute, pal!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36What are you trying to do, eat me?
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah, yah!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, forget it, see?
0:06:42 > 0:06:46I've seen this cartoon before and, brother, believe me -
0:06:46 > 0:06:48if you're smart, you won't eat me.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Because before this picture's over, I save your life.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Yeah, but I'm hungry.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Well, OK, then.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59In the next room,
0:06:59 > 0:07:05you'll find a great, big, fat, juicy canary.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Eat him!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Well, I've been sick.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Oh!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38THUNDER RUMBLES
0:08:01 > 0:08:03BRAKES SQUEAL
0:09:34 > 0:09:36HE LAUGHS
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Boo!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Well, see, chum. It's like I said at the beginning.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I told you I'd save your life, didn't I?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Yeah, gee, thanks a lot, old pal.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And here's the little bottle that did the whole trick.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Well, so long, shorty.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39So long!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41But, hey!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I'm still hungry.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46we're going to have to end this picture.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49We just ran out of the stuff.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Good night.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I grew up with TV,
0:12:07 > 0:12:13in England, in its infancy, and it's always fascinated me, you know?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15This screen in the room.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17It is an addiction.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I mean, who am I to talk about addiction?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23But sometimes I just think that people are staring at the damn thing
0:12:23 > 0:12:24because it's there.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Cue opening titles.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28STEADY SAWING
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I'm rich!
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Good evening.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Or if you've got your choppers in a glass, good evening.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Now, many people want to know why the show is called Q8.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22And I am one of them.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29What's this? "Get the Abbey habit, have an affair with a monk"?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Pfft!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Ow!
0:13:34 > 0:13:38That was a close encounter of a thud kind.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Ah, a finger stall.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41Argh!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I didn't want to waste it.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Right, now I'm going to read this week's court circular.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Yesterday, the Queen opened Parliament.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Some idiot gave her a key.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Here's some more court news.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Prince Philip got his caught.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Prince Charles got his caught.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03And the royal tailor has been dismissed.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Good evening, and I mean that most sincerely, I really do.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Tonight, we present the prizes for duration
0:14:11 > 0:14:13in the singing and hanging contest.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Third prize goes to Tom Lakes,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20who sang and hung from a horizontal bar for three hours and two minutes.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Great big hand.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Really wonderful, it really was.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Second prize goes to Bert Sprumps,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30who sang and hung from the horizontal bar
0:14:30 > 0:14:33for four hours and 39 minutes.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Great big hand.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38But the winner is Mr Eric Treacle,
0:14:38 > 0:14:43who sang and hung from a horizontal bar for an amazing 24 days.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56And the Lord said unto all men,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59always wear clean underwear.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03And the Pharisees say, whyfor, thereafter which?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And he sayeth,
0:15:05 > 0:15:10because, supposing thou art knocked down in the street,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14blessed are they that weareth clean knickers.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18So even though they be knocked down in the street by a bus,
0:15:18 > 0:15:23verily, they will be pure of heart from the waist down.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Achoo!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Achoo!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36THUDDING
0:16:02 > 0:16:03KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Er... There's a cheque in the post.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh, gosh.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Lady Lewisham? Yes?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I'm sorry, your husband has been in an accident.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Is it serious?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yes, he was wearing dirty knickers.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Oh!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Worst of all, they were yours.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29HORN HONKS
0:16:35 > 0:16:37BRAKES SCREECH
0:16:42 > 0:16:44KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Princess Radsville?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50There's a cheque in the post.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Sorry to tell you that your husband has been seriously killed.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Don't cry!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02I tell you because he was wearing...clean knickers!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Freeze-frame!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:17:27 > 0:17:32HE SHRIEKS This would never have happened if they had used...super cover!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36The English invention that hides crappy British cooking
0:17:36 > 0:17:38from the tourists!
0:17:43 > 0:17:48Yes, even the smartest of us can be caught with our menus down.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Come in.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Yes, super cover can even fool royalty.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Another idea from British Leyland,
0:18:06 > 0:18:11in its eternal search for an alternative to making motorcars.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14PHONE RINGS Hello, what? Yes. Right.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16PROLONGED LAUGHTER
0:18:21 > 0:18:23The answer to a question last week,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25"What do Scotsmen have up their kilts?"
0:18:25 > 0:18:29The winner chosen was Her Majesty the Queen, who said...
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Gas stoves.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Yes.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38A gas stove is what a Scotsman has up his kilt.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41It wasn't the right answer, but it was the only one we could publish.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Some of you suggested certain other things were lodged up
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Scotsmen's kilts.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47One lady suggested a grand piano, a set of spoons,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50and someone else said Larry Grayson.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53To find out the real answer to this, over to Stirling Castle.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Stand, ease!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01BELLS CHIME INDIVIDUALLY
0:19:18 > 0:19:20DULL THUD
0:19:20 > 0:19:22HE LAUGHS
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Attention!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I do not understand it.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It has only done 8,000 yards.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34My God, Bert, look!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Here comes the Queen!
0:19:38 > 0:19:39What are we going to do?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Your Majesty!
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Yes, super cover!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Another idea from Leyland to hide their crummy products.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Freeze-frame!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10OUT OF TUNE MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra by Strauss
0:20:20 > 0:20:22OUT OF TUNE CLIMAX
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Here is a Ministry of Information film.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And now for some totally useless information.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Did you know, if you strike a female desk, it screams?
0:20:41 > 0:20:44MALE VOICE: OW!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47God, it's a male!
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Funny place to hang a saveloy.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54This is a Hamlet pencil, 2B or not 2B.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Now, did you know, if you break a pencil, it screams?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Argh!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04GUN FIRES
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Now, the next...
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Good God, it's Harry Secombe.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12And he's had the operation.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Did you know, if you tear a hole in a piece of paper,
0:21:15 > 0:21:16you can see through to the other side?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20If you tear a hole on the other side, you can see back in again.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22GUN FIRES Now then, next...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25God, it's Mrs Thatcher's bank manager.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Suffering withdrawal symptoms.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I wonder who she is. Right. Next, did you know,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33a piece of paper will take the weight of a human body
0:21:33 > 0:21:35without breaking?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37GUN FIRES
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Good heavens! It's Richard III part one!
0:21:40 > 0:21:42The next... Oh, there's part two.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Did you know, if you kept a newspaper for seven days,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48it gets one week behind?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Here's another way to get a weak behind. Argh!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Now then...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Good God! It's the Duke of Edinburgh!
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I'm sorry, Philip, I suppose this means a knighthood is out of the question.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03And that's...that's for not giving me an OBE!
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Good evening. Yes, tonight, a tribute to the late Sir Edward Elgar,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12whose favourite instrument was the...
0:22:15 > 0:22:19..was the B flat garden hose, for which he wrote many great pieces,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21including...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27..Underneath The Armpits We Dream Our Days Away.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Right.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30THEY BLOW
0:22:57 > 0:23:00SHE TALKS AT DOUBLE SPEED
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Anti-Yap, for the husband who's had enough.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I'd like to read this excerpt in the new Reader's Digest.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24PROLONGED LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Thank you.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Now, this is a true advert in this paper.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43The Zenith atomic clock, powered by solar batteries,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45will run for 100 years.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Guaranteed for 12 months.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54And now here is the late news.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Racing motorist Getafitapaldi
0:23:56 > 0:23:59told a judge his wife didn't understand him.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Asked why, he said she was Bulgarian.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06He admitted later she could neither read nor write English and, granting a decree,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09the judge said she did sound like an ignorant Bulgar.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15But the bodies of three bank robbers were found encased in cement
0:24:15 > 0:24:16at the bottom of the Mersey docks.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Police say they believed them to be hardened criminals.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Good morning. I've been sent along here by my doctor for an eye test.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27He thinks I need glasses.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Oh, but you do. This is a fish shop.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35We interrupt this programme to tell you that this is an official BBC interruption.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39And now we interrupt this programme to tell you
0:24:39 > 0:24:42that the interruption to the interruption is over. Good night.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19HE SINGS
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Good evening.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36The Pope has promised Bruce Forsyth an audience.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38He sending a charabanc of nuns to the Palladium.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Marylebone police are looking for a tall blonde with a 42-inch bust.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Asked what the charge was, they said,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"There's no charge, we're just looking for a tall blonde..."
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Cut to picture of Spike, dressed as Hitler,
0:28:23 > 0:28:24wearing German Admiral's uniform,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27standing on what appears to be the bridge of the Bismarck.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Or some other herring.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Behind him, three actors, all dressed identically.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34These additional Hitlers are all looking puzzled.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35They have been cloned.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Bring on the clones.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40No idea what they're doing on the bridge of a herring called Bismarck.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41Neither have we.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43That is why we getting out of this sketch as soon as possible.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Yes, quite obviously Hitler doesn't know this sketch is over
0:28:57 > 0:28:59and is going for laughs.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04There goes one now. Watch out, Poland, you're next!
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Here is an announcement for a Mr Al Capone.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Your sketch has ended, and there is a cheque in the post.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Another sketch will follow almost immediately.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22Meanwhile, here is a test card.
0:29:29 > 0:29:34Here is the Reverend Franklin with a few calming words.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Librium, Valium, Mogadon.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47And as funny payoff...
0:29:50 > 0:29:51..Achoo!
0:29:55 > 0:29:58I say, I say, I say! What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?
0:29:58 > 0:30:00My dog has no nose. How does he smell?
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Terrible.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03I say, I say, I say! What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05My dog has no nose. How does he smell?
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Terrible.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09I say, I say, I say! What do you say, what do you say, what do you say?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11My dog has no nose. How does he smell?
0:30:11 > 0:30:12Terrible.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14What are we supposed to be doing? Running gags.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15I say, I say, I say, I say...
0:30:15 > 0:30:18Deutschland, Deutschland, uber...
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Chateau Death - House Of The Death.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28THEY WAIL
0:30:34 > 0:30:36WHISTLE BLOWS Have a break.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39THEY WAIL
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Rats! ALL: Squeak, squeak. Squeak, squeak, squeak!
0:30:48 > 0:30:49Meow!
0:30:51 > 0:30:52Meow!
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Woof! Wrong!
0:31:15 > 0:31:16Yes! A flash of light!
0:31:16 > 0:31:18A white horse.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22It's the Stone Ranger, in colour!
0:31:23 > 0:31:26What's that? Stop, stop!
0:31:27 > 0:31:30This is getting ridiculous. What do you mean, ridiculous?
0:31:30 > 0:31:31Good morning!
0:31:31 > 0:31:34MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky
0:31:40 > 0:31:42ANNOUNCER: Attention, studio audience.
0:31:43 > 0:31:48The next joke is waiting for you at Golders Green.
0:31:52 > 0:31:57This Government will continue to pursue policies
0:31:57 > 0:32:00which will bring it within our grasp.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13And now replying to the Prime Minister's speech is Mr Edward Mancroft,
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Labour member for Deptford.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21My Lords, Ladies,
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Mr Lord Mayor, Madam Prime Minister.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Pfft!
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Hitler sings George Formby.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Oh, Mr Wu.
0:32:41 > 0:32:42Vat can I do?
0:32:42 > 0:32:43I've got...
0:32:48 > 0:32:51I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Here they all are standing in a row.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55Morning, darling.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Morning, my wee lovie. What a lovely morning it is!
0:32:59 > 0:33:00HE SQUEALS
0:33:01 > 0:33:05NARRATOR: Yes, she knows what his problem is.
0:33:05 > 0:33:06It's the farmers.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Yes, what he needs is Preparation Ouch.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Just one a day with a new applicator.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Good morning, darling!
0:33:20 > 0:33:23Good morning, darling. What a beautiful day it's been.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25Oh, look, my favourite breakfast.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Yes, send your farmers packing with...
0:33:33 > 0:33:35Preparation Ouch.
0:33:39 > 0:33:43Newsflash, we've just heard that the unemployment figures are starting
0:33:43 > 0:33:44to fall drastically.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46So, for an explanation, over now to Mr Norman Tebbit,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49the Minister of Employment.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50GUNSHOT
0:33:50 > 0:33:51HE WHISTLES
0:33:55 > 0:33:56GUNSHOT
0:33:56 > 0:33:58HE WHISTLES
0:34:01 > 0:34:02GUNSHOT
0:34:02 > 0:34:04COMICAL HORN BLOWS
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Thank you. Thank you, that'll be all today, Miss Polly.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11Thank you.
0:34:11 > 0:34:12Come in.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14KNOCKING ON DOOR
0:34:19 > 0:34:20Ah, Mr Dark.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22HE SQUEAKS
0:34:26 > 0:34:29Do sit down, would you, Shrinker?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31HE SQUEAKS LOUDLY
0:34:34 > 0:34:38Look here, Shrinker, I expect you're wondering why I sent for you.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Tell me, how long have you been a suppository tester?
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I started at the bottom and...
0:34:45 > 0:34:47and I stayed there.
0:34:47 > 0:34:53Yes, of course, with your condition, you are the ideal test-bed.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Tell me, how long have you worked here?
0:34:56 > 0:34:58182 years, sir.
0:34:58 > 0:34:59182?!
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Yes, sir. I've put a lot of overtime in, mind you.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07I can't sit down on this job.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Look here, Shrinker.
0:35:08 > 0:35:13It's never been my policy to focus on other people's handicaps,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16but, look, what I'm trying to say is, well, you see,
0:35:16 > 0:35:19you have a certain problem.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22Do you mean the metrics?
0:35:22 > 0:35:25Metrics? Yes, the metric miles.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Oh, you mean the piles?
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Yes, sir. Didn't you know we call them metrics, sir?
0:35:30 > 0:35:34I assure you, Shrinker, I have no axe to grind with the piles.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I'm so glad to hear you say that, sir.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40Look here, Shrinker.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44It's come to my attention that, while working here,
0:35:44 > 0:35:49while testing suppositories, you've been bursting into flames.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52I know, sir, I'm very sorry, sir.
0:35:52 > 0:35:57Ever since you started working here, you've caught fire 32 times.
0:35:57 > 0:36:02And, on one occasion, both your legs became a blazing inferno,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06and firemen had to force their way into your trousers using breathing apparatus.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Do you mind, sir? Go ahead. Thank you, sir.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Thank you, sir.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Look here, Shrinker.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26I'm afraid you'll have to be made redundant.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28No! Yes, I'm afraid so.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33You see, you've been superseded by the latest development in haemorrhoid technology.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Not nuclear piles!
0:36:35 > 0:36:37No!
0:36:37 > 0:36:41The new self-inserting suppository applicator.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Run telecine.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50Preparation Ouch puts a smile on your face.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51WOMAN: The in thing!
0:37:46 > 0:37:50JAZZ MUSIC STARTS
0:37:54 > 0:37:56JAZZ MUSIC STOPS
0:38:00 > 0:38:01JAZZ MUSIC STARTS AGAIN
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Is it on?
0:38:29 > 0:38:34Er, um... It'll be... very high up here tonight.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Pretty high up there. And, um...
0:38:39 > 0:38:40That's not...
0:38:40 > 0:38:43It'll be very low... Very low down there.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49And, erm...
0:38:49 > 0:38:51This is England tonight.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54All this is England.
0:38:56 > 0:39:00And this will be England tomorrow.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05You see. You just see.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08You wait, you'll see that's England tomorrow.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12The Whistler and his dog.
0:39:14 > 0:39:16HE WHISTLES AND BARKS
0:39:19 > 0:39:22The Whistler and his horse.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26HE WHISTLES AND CLAPS
0:39:28 > 0:39:32The Whistler and...somebody else.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34HE WHISTLES
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Jim.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00Verily I say unto you, eyes front!
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Our Father, who art in heaven...
0:40:10 > 0:40:11As you were, as you were.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14Hallowed be thy name!
0:40:14 > 0:40:18Thy Kingdom... Wait for it, wait for it.
0:40:18 > 0:40:19..come!
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Thy will be done.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Give us this day our daily bread.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Steady, steady, steady.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28And forgive us our trespasses
0:40:28 > 0:40:29as we forgive them
0:40:29 > 0:40:31that trespass against us.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Amen!
0:40:34 > 0:40:36FOOTSTEPS STANDING TO ATTENTION
0:40:36 > 0:40:37METALLIC CLATTERING
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Look into my eyes.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09I'm going to hypnotise you.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Yes, you. Right now.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13No, don't look away.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Look into my eyes.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17Relax.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19You want a smoke.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21You want a smoke that will make your mouth taste fresh.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25New Spud by the makers of Marlboro.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26New Spud has a filter tip.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28It has a crushproof box.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31It has a fresh taste like it was air-conditioned.
0:41:31 > 0:41:35You're going to try new Spud tomorrow.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37You're going to try new Spud.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40You're going to buy a pack tomorrow.
0:41:40 > 0:41:45This whole unique thing of advertisements coming on.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47"We will now take a break."
0:41:49 > 0:41:51Get a load of this filter!
0:41:51 > 0:41:53But it's funny, because some of the ads
0:41:53 > 0:41:56were actually better than the shows!
0:41:59 > 0:42:00The sort of striking ones...
0:42:02 > 0:42:07..that very film noir, "You're never alone with a Strand."
0:42:16 > 0:42:20It was probably one of the best shot ads of that whole period.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25INTERVIEWER: He does look like he's on the edge of ending it all, doesn't he?
0:42:25 > 0:42:27He probably did as well, you know?
0:42:29 > 0:42:34"Send the cheque to my mum! I'm jumping into the goddamn Thames!"
0:42:34 > 0:42:37That was a big thing, wasn't it? Jumping into the Thames.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Yeah, the bridges, what are they made for?
0:42:47 > 0:42:49You're never alone with a Strand.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51The cigarette of the moment.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54Strand, the new tipped cigarette.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Wonderful value at three and tuppence for 20.
0:42:59 > 0:43:03Yeah, unfortunately, apparently it killed a lot of people.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06Not from the smoking, but from the loneliness!
0:43:08 > 0:43:09Killed the brand, too.
0:43:09 > 0:43:10Yeah.
0:43:10 > 0:43:14There was that Park Drive,
0:43:14 > 0:43:20Players, Senior Service and Woodbines.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23You know?
0:43:25 > 0:43:31I don't know where I got this reputation for being a great smoker.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35You know, there's something about it.
0:43:37 > 0:43:41It's no accident that, suddenly,
0:43:41 > 0:43:47they cottoned on to the immense sort of wealth of teenagers.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Before, they'd been totally ignored.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02# I'm a-gonna raise a fuss I'm a-gonna raise a holler
0:44:04 > 0:44:08# About a-workin' all summer just to try to earn a dollar
0:44:11 > 0:44:14# Every time I call my baby try to get a date
0:44:14 > 0:44:17# My boss says, "No dice, son You gotta work late"
0:44:17 > 0:44:20# Sometimes I wonder what I'm a-gonna do
0:44:20 > 0:44:23# But there ain't no cure for the summertime blues. #
0:44:29 > 0:44:32At the time you saw it, it was just something new.
0:44:35 > 0:44:40You weren't thinking about the wicked design behind it and all that.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43# Wake up in the morning There's a snap around the place
0:44:43 > 0:44:46# Wake up in the morning There's a crackle in your face
0:44:46 > 0:44:49# Wake up in the morning There's a pop that really says
0:44:49 > 0:44:52# "Rice Krispies for you and you and you!"
0:44:52 > 0:44:55# Pour on the milk and listen to the snap that says, "It's nice!"
0:44:55 > 0:44:58# Pour on the milk and listen to the crackle of that rice
0:44:58 > 0:45:01# Get up in the morning to the pop that says, "It's rice!"
0:45:01 > 0:45:04# Hear them talking crisp Rice Krispies! #
0:45:06 > 0:45:09The Stones sold out before The Who.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11HE LAUGHS
0:45:11 > 0:45:15But it is the only one we ever did, yeah.
0:45:15 > 0:45:16And it wasn't bad.
0:45:16 > 0:45:17It's pretty good. Yeah, yeah.
0:45:17 > 0:45:22You know, I'd buy a pack of Rice Krispies on that.
0:45:22 > 0:45:24Great!
0:45:24 > 0:45:26But that's what advertising's about.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31It's to sell you something you don't really need.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34Satisfaction's all about advertising and short-changing.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40I love Otis's version of satisfaction.
0:45:40 > 0:45:43He blew everybody away when he did it on Ready Steady Go!
0:45:48 > 0:45:50Once in, you're hooked, you know?
0:45:50 > 0:45:52The guy was amazing.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56# I can't get no
0:45:56 > 0:45:58# Satisfaction
0:45:58 > 0:46:01# I can't get no
0:46:01 > 0:46:03# Satisfaction
0:46:03 > 0:46:08# I've tried, I've tried
0:46:08 > 0:46:11# I can't get me no, no, no
0:46:11 > 0:46:14# And I can't get no, no, no
0:46:14 > 0:46:17# When I'm driving in my car
0:46:17 > 0:46:19# And that man come on the radio
0:46:19 > 0:46:22# Keep a-tellin' me more and more
0:46:22 > 0:46:25# About that useless information
0:46:25 > 0:46:28# He's tryin' to mess up my imagination
0:46:28 > 0:46:30# I can't get me no, no, no
0:46:33 > 0:46:34# Hey, hey, hey!
0:46:34 > 0:46:39# We got to groove it, we got to!
0:46:39 > 0:46:41# We got to have it
0:46:41 > 0:46:45# Got to, got to We got to keep on grooving
0:46:45 > 0:46:48# Keep on grooving, keep on grooving
0:46:48 > 0:46:50# I know
0:46:50 > 0:46:53# I can't get no
0:46:53 > 0:46:55# Satisfaction
0:46:55 > 0:46:58# I can't get no
0:46:58 > 0:47:00# Satisfaction
0:47:00 > 0:47:03# I've tried, I've tried
0:47:03 > 0:47:05# I've tried I've tried, tried, tried
0:47:05 > 0:47:10# I can't get no, oh, no, no
0:47:12 > 0:47:14# Keep on rocking
0:47:14 > 0:47:17# Baby you'll get you some... #
0:47:18 > 0:47:21I thought, "That was it. I'm topped now."
0:47:21 > 0:47:24You know? I mean, to have Otis and Aretha covering your song.
0:47:25 > 0:47:29I mean, that's it, you can die and go to heaven at that point.
0:47:29 > 0:47:32Whether you get in or not is another thing!
0:47:32 > 0:47:35Can songs wake you up in the middle of the night?
0:47:35 > 0:47:37Arrive out of nowhere?
0:47:37 > 0:47:38Satisfaction did.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41Yeah. I didn't even know I'd written that one.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43But that didn't wake you up?
0:47:43 > 0:47:45Not to consciousness.
0:47:45 > 0:47:48But enough for me to apparently have got up in the middle of the night
0:47:48 > 0:47:54and laid down the basic chords and that riff and said,
0:47:54 > 0:47:56"I can't get no satisfaction."
0:47:56 > 0:47:59Luckily enough, I had one of the first recorders,
0:47:59 > 0:48:02Philips tape recorders, cassette recorders, you know?
0:48:02 > 0:48:08And it was, like, brand-new at the time and hi-tech.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10And I know, also, while I was doing this,
0:48:10 > 0:48:14I happened to hit play and record.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17And I don't know how that happened.
0:48:17 > 0:48:22All I do know is that, when I woke up in the morning,
0:48:22 > 0:48:27I could see that the tape had run all the way to the end.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30So the tape had run, you know?
0:48:30 > 0:48:32I mean, it was finished.
0:48:32 > 0:48:37Push rewind, you know, and there for, I don't know,
0:48:37 > 0:48:4030 seconds was Satisfaction.
0:48:40 > 0:48:41This is why I love recording.
0:48:45 > 0:48:47I have no memory of actually doing it.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51The rest of the tape, 45 minutes long, is me snoring.
0:48:54 > 0:48:58It was a kind of revelation, in a way of, you know,
0:48:58 > 0:49:01what you can do when you're asleep, you know?
0:49:06 > 0:49:09Talking about songwriting and songwriters,
0:49:09 > 0:49:11here's one of the very best.
0:49:11 > 0:49:14A rarely seen piece from 1968.
0:49:14 > 0:49:16Hang out with the one and only Johnny Cash.
0:49:22 > 0:49:24APPLAUSE
0:49:24 > 0:49:26MUSIC: Ring Of Fire by Johnny Cash