0:00:17 > 0:00:19RUSTLING
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Hello. Testing, testing, testing.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Testing, testing.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29I'm ready...
0:00:31 > 0:00:32..Daddy...
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Daddy! Daddy!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38CHILD HUMS SOFTLY
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Say "hello, hello, hello".
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Hello, hello, hello.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54This is cassette one, track one.
0:00:54 > 0:00:5710th July 1983.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Have we begun yet?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Disembodied voices.
0:01:01 > 0:01:0322nd February.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Speaking out of nowhere. 1984.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Disappearing into nowhere.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Cassette three.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Thank you very much for the tape...
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Everything was... Waterlogged...
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Immobile.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Hello, and welcome to...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21VOICES OVERLAP
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Can't we just cut back?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- It's a long time ago, isn't it?- Hmm.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51How difficult it is to remember the detail.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01It's late.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08We were married on 1st November '79.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, you were driving, of course.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, you certainly weren't driving!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- We just took off down to...- We got to Chichester.- Oh, that was it.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Chich... No. Was it?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Where did we go, then?- On the southern edge of the...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- What was it called again? - It began with a C.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- Cirencester.- Ah!
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- That was it.- Cirencester? - Cirencester.- Yeah.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31That's a long way.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38That ghastly B&B.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41It was quite the worst place we've ever stayed in.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- I don't remember it being so bad. - It was horrible.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Do you remember the way the tide came in?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Right up the main street.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25It took the form of a dark black disc...
0:03:29 > 0:03:33..which slowly progressed across the field of vision.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It went very quickly.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48The doctors said that the eye was so badly traumatised from...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50from previous surgery...
0:03:53 > 0:03:57..that all we'll be able to do is to preserve a little bit of sight.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Of course, you never believe that.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You keep on hoping.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- That was the final eye operation. - Yes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25BABY GURGLES
0:04:26 > 0:04:30You were just out of hospital when Tom was born.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Smiling.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He's smiling at you.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48DOOR OPENS
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I still had that little bit of vision.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33I would see a flicker of a shadow across the window
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- as you moved across it.- Yeah.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44If I stood underneath the central light in the room,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I could tell if it was on or off.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54The stars had gone, the moon had gone.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I must be able to see the sun, mustn't I?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I didn't think it would last long.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Here we are again.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15Another part of Imogen Hull's tape, side two.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Now, then...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Imogen.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24She was thrilled. I mean, you know, as an older sister,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26loving a little brother.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I don't think she realised what was going on.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35BABY CRIES
0:06:37 > 0:06:40The little drop of the Father
0:06:40 > 0:06:43on thy little beloved forehead...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45BABY WAILS
0:06:45 > 0:06:50The little drop of the Son on your forehead, beloved one.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57The little drop of the Spirit on your forehead, beloved one.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02There was nobody much around in the university.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12LOW CONVERSATION
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I could hear one of my friends saying,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"You know that John Hull's going completely blind?"
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Stopping and hearing that...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Oh!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Thoughts just came tumbling into my mind.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43What about my reading, my research?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47What about my teaching?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49How am I going to teach?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52How am I going to lecture without any notes?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I went up to my office and sat there.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02The students will be here in about five weeks.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Now...
0:08:08 > 0:08:10..how am I going to do this?
0:08:12 > 0:08:16A social worker told me about all the things they could offer.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Hmm.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19For your first white cane.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24There were special holiday homes for blind people.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Maybe I'd like to have a dog and...
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Then she said, "Well, you need a mobility course."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I remember saying, "No, I'm not doing that.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"I haven't got time."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I mean, most people would have made the time.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I was just too busy keeping up with everything.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Well, you were also stubborn.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You were sort of in furious denial.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00'The only thing I was interested in
0:09:00 > 0:09:02'was how to function as a blind academic.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04'That, nobody knew.'
0:09:04 > 0:09:07What have you got? Ah, The Long Surrender.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Autumn Conquest...
0:09:09 > 0:09:14'I needed to have serious books recorded sensibly.'
0:09:15 > 0:09:19What about anthropology and sociology?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23'All that was basically available in the United Kingdom
0:09:23 > 0:09:26'was detective novels and romantic fiction.'
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Well, I'm interested in reading contemporary social sciences.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37No, look, how do blind people read big books?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41'They said, "They don't."'
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Anyway, I'll sort it out, so thanks for your advice.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49'They don't.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54'That was it.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01'I didn't buy that.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10'I had a tape recorder, of course.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13'I had cassettes.'
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Is that the microphone? Yes.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Is it on?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26That makes a difference, doesn't it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Testing, testing, testing.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Today is Tuesday, and I'm wondering if this machine will record or not.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39TAPE REWINDS
0:10:39 > 0:10:41RECORDING: 'Testing, testing.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44'Today is Tuesday,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48'and I'm wondering if this machine will record or not.'
0:10:54 > 0:10:56The first thing I did was build up
0:10:56 > 0:10:59a team of people to record books for me.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03How did you get that going?
0:11:04 > 0:11:09I can't quite remember but it became an absolute business.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14I had up to 30 of them working for me at one stage.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16The books would come back on cassettes.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Hundreds of cassettes.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Hundreds!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That was transformative.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Down on this level.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35One...two...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37three.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39'I spent, I suppose,
0:11:39 > 0:11:43'the next two or three years learning all of those little tricks.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49'With ingenuity and a little bit of help,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52'they were problems that COULD be solved.'
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- RECORDING:- '..Meaning is an operation of intentionality...'
0:11:58 > 0:12:02The truth is that, although in a way it was so devastating,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I did enjoy it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I was entirely occupied.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18It wasn't until the final tiny bit of light sensation
0:12:18 > 0:12:21slowly disappeared
0:12:21 > 0:12:23that my mood changed.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30BELL CHIMES
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Do you remember that day in Shrewsbury,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39when I caught a glimpse of a...?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Of a church spire?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I think that's the last thing you ever saw.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57That's probably true.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01BIRDSONG
0:13:17 > 0:13:20BREATHING
0:13:24 > 0:13:26SHARP SNAP
0:13:26 > 0:13:28HE SIGHS
0:13:55 > 0:13:57WIND BLOWS
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Dad?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Hey!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I had a dream.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You had a dream?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21I had a dream that I got some dinner
0:14:21 > 0:14:25but it didn't have at all very much nice stuff in it,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and I lost it again.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Wow.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Was that the end?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34And you...
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- He's telling me about a dream he had.- Oh...
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Now, then. It'll be cloudy throughout the evening,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and a big patch of wind
0:14:50 > 0:14:55on the satellite picture just coming over...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57CANE TAPS
0:15:05 > 0:15:07What now?
0:15:07 > 0:15:08What next?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I'd learnt how to lecture without notes.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Learnt how to recognise the students by their voices.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28The cassettes were pouring in faster than I could read them.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31All of that was done.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39It was at that point
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I realised...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44..I had to think about blindness...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50..because if I didn't understand it...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55..it would defeat me.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17CASSETTE WHIRS
0:16:25 > 0:16:27This is cassette one, track one.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Um...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Notes on blindness.
0:16:34 > 0:16:40And this is 21st June 1983.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58After nearly three years of blindness,
0:16:58 > 0:17:04I find that the pictures in the gallery of my mind
0:17:04 > 0:17:06have dimmed somewhat.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10People and places that I know and love so well.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Memories of my early life spent in Australia.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24So I found with great distress
0:17:24 > 0:17:28that I could no longer remember easily what my wife looked like.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Or what my daughter Imogen looked like.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I found that memories of photographs
0:17:40 > 0:17:43were more easily recaptured.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53The case of my daughter Imogen -
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I have a wide range of visual memories of her.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Of Thomas, now nearly three,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I have a few very vague impressions
0:18:12 > 0:18:15based upon the first six or nine months of his life,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18before I lost sight altogether.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29And of Elizabeth, I have no visual memories at all and never have had.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32CASSETTE WHIRS
0:18:33 > 0:18:36KNOCK ON DOOR
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Just a minute.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I am concerned...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54..to understand blindness...
0:18:55 > 0:18:57..to seek its meaning...
0:19:00 > 0:19:04..to retain the fullness of my humanity.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14CANE TAPS
0:19:18 > 0:19:22We need to know what kind of necessity is it.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Is it a psychological necessity?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Is it logical?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Is it a historical necessity?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38'A note on smiles.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42'Nearly every time I smile, I'm conscious of smiling.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48'I mean, I'm conscious of the movement, even, one might say,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50'the effort of smiling.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55'I think the reason is that there is no returning smile.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01'One never gets anything for one's own smiles.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04'One is sending off dead letters.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10'Consequently, I can feel myself stopping smiling.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14'Or I think I can.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19'I must ask someone close to me whether this is true or not.'
0:20:39 > 0:20:43A note on Thomas's awareness of my blindness.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- TV:- He sadly wandered off into the mountains,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56knowing that he could never look into the beautiful eyes
0:20:56 > 0:20:58of Rapunzel again.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Thomas asked me, why was he blind?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Because his eyes were poorly.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09My eyes are poorly.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16He said to me in a very serious and probing voice,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19"Are you blind?"
0:21:20 > 0:21:22"Yes, I am."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"Your eyes are closed."
0:21:26 > 0:21:30"Yes, but even when I open my eyes, I still can't see."
0:21:31 > 0:21:36"Can't you see the pictures? I can see the pictures."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"Your eyes aren't poorly."
0:21:39 > 0:21:44I put my hand over his eyes and held his eyes closed.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Now can you see?" I said.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48He said no.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52"Now?" "Yes, I can see now.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54"Yes, my eyes aren't poorly."
0:21:56 > 0:22:01I am reminded of being in Wales with Imogen, when she said to me...
0:22:03 > 0:22:07"..Daddy, if I cried and my tears fell on your eyes,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09"would you be able to see again?"
0:22:11 > 0:22:15This thought she had got, I'm sure, from Rapunzel.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- TV:- ..And they lived happily ever after.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Cassette two, track one.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35A strange experience with a faith healer.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40On Thursday evening,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43we stopped at the Indian restaurant in Bristol Street.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I hope everything is to your satisfaction.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53May I?
0:22:53 > 0:22:57'I took him to be a waiter who worked in the restaurant.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01'He asked me if I was completely blind...
0:23:02 > 0:23:07'..how long I had been blind, the cause of my blindness was.'
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Well, um, in one way or another,
0:23:10 > 0:23:15I suppose I've been fighting against blindness most of my life.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Please, go on.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25When I was a child, I lost my sight for the first time.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30I've had all sorts of operations and gradually sight simply faded away.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Why do you ask?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And now you see nothing?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Nothing. I don't see anything now.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43And yet you still wear glasses.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Silly really, isn't it?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I'd feel rather undressed without my glasses.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Tell me, do you still hope that you will see again?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59No, I don't hold out hope.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01The doctors have told me it's quite impossible.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04And you believe them?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09'He told me about some of the marvellous cures he had done,'
0:24:09 > 0:24:11'including cancer.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16'My sight is dependent upon my will and he, through hypnotherapy,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18'could help to restore my will.'
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I see.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23JOHN LAUGHS
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Could you restore a leg lost in a traffic accident?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29You have no eyes?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Are they gone?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38It's just a mass of jelly.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Willpower cannot restore it.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49God, he was speechless.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51He was absolutely speechless!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53But, John, do you think it's got to the point
0:24:53 > 0:24:56where you don't really want to get your sight back?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58What makes you say that?
0:24:59 > 0:25:02You always seem to be so happy.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04You seem to be functioning so well.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Oh, Liz. If only you knew half the truth.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Of course I want my sight back.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22I will never accept the human losses of blindness.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Every time I wake up,
0:25:46 > 0:25:47I lose my sight.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Last night, I dreamt that my sight improved.
0:25:59 > 0:26:06I had the most intense picture of Thomas as a cuddly little boy.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11In my dream, I said to myself,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13"There you are, you see.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17"In good light you can still manage fairly well."
0:26:25 > 0:26:29My waking reflection is that my dreaming life
0:26:29 > 0:26:31is still denying the reality.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- NEWS REPORT:- ..The heavy swell breaking onto the rocks,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41five were swept into the sea, three from one group
0:26:41 > 0:26:45and two from another. The Sennen and Penlee lifeboats
0:26:45 > 0:26:48were sent to search the area, and a Royal Navy helicopter...
0:26:50 > 0:26:52CHILD SINGS
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Page 104.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03This text is an interesting example in the dialogue
0:27:03 > 0:27:07of the limitations of a theology of vision...
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Give us an H.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Give us an A.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Give us a P.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Give us another P.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Give us a Y.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Happy Xmas.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21JOHN CHUCKLES
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Because now it's party time!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25CHILD HUMS JINGLE BELLS
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Immy!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Come here for a minute.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Hello, hello, hello. Look what I've found. Another one of these.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42What's this, Tom?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- Oh, I know what this is.- What?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47When you hold it up to the light,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50you can see all the colours really brightly, and it's beautiful.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Look.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55It's nice.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59What I remember about you most vividly
0:27:59 > 0:28:03in those years was your amazing practicality.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05You never expressed regret.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09You just got on with the next thing,
0:28:09 > 0:28:11step by step.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16The way you did that, I always thought, was quite incredible.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24MUSIC: Dedicated To The One I Love
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Would you take Imagine by John Lennon? An obvious choice?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Dylan. I'd take Dylan.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Well, I know, but I mean there, one is completely stuck.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38- I know what you'd take, and I know what we'd both take.- What?
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Jacqueline du Pre playing Elgar's cello whatsit.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46- Yes, there we are.- There we are. I think we've got one.
0:28:49 > 0:28:55# Each night before you go to bed, my baby
0:28:55 > 0:29:02# Whisper a little prayer for me, my baby
0:29:02 > 0:29:09# And tell all the stars above
0:29:09 > 0:29:12# This is dedicated to the one I love. #
0:29:17 > 0:29:20SPLOSHING
0:29:20 > 0:29:24DRIPPING AND SPLOSHING
0:30:08 > 0:30:11WATER ROARS
0:30:18 > 0:30:21A huge wave crashed down, separating us all.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29There was debris of floating merchandise and dead bodies.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35I searched for them everywhere in despair, and found nothing.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43It was hopeless. They simply disappeared.
0:31:08 > 0:31:13Somebody had reminded me that part of the human brain
0:31:13 > 0:31:20specialises in the reception and processing of visual material.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28Now, I would like to know what happens to that part of the brain
0:31:28 > 0:31:30when optic stimulation ceases.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39Could this perhaps account for the sense of suffering
0:31:39 > 0:31:42I have experienced over the past year or two?
0:31:46 > 0:31:50The feeling I'm describing is a sense of hunger,
0:31:50 > 0:31:52of aridity.
0:31:57 > 0:32:01A feeling that one's brain longs for optic stimulation,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04as the body longs for food.
0:32:09 > 0:32:14The brain itself thirsts for that to which it is accustomed.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Part of my brain is dying.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Say merry Christmas to Millie.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Merry Christmas.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37Merry Christmas, Susan. Merry Christmas, Chris.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43What's that? My word!
0:32:43 > 0:32:44What is it, Tom?
0:32:47 > 0:32:48What is this?
0:32:48 > 0:32:50CHILD'S INDISTINCT REPLY
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Good Lord!
0:32:53 > 0:32:56'That particular Christmas was the worst one.'
0:32:56 > 0:32:59- Look at me.- What is it?
0:33:00 > 0:33:04- What is it?- I don't know. I think it's probably bubble bath.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Father Christmas must have smelt you all the way from the North Pole!
0:33:11 > 0:33:12'I was stuck.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17'I couldn't get up and leave.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21'How could I walk out on Christmas Day?'
0:33:21 > 0:33:22- No.- You know?
0:33:24 > 0:33:26But I couldn't stay either.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28How do I look in these?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31You look terrific.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- Did Father Christmas leave those? Are they comfy?- Yeah.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38- Are they warm?- Yes.- Are they?
0:33:39 > 0:33:42What colour are they?
0:33:43 > 0:33:46- They're ever so nice, aren't they? - Are they a good fit?
0:33:46 > 0:33:48Special winter slippers.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Go and look at yourself in the mirror.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11That was when you came up to me and said, "You look dreadful.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14"Why don't you go into the office?"
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Just go to work.
0:34:18 > 0:34:19Just go.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26TOY CHIMES
0:34:26 > 0:34:28CHILDREN CHATTER
0:34:35 > 0:34:37DOOR CLOSES
0:34:46 > 0:34:49RAIN FALLS
0:34:54 > 0:34:57I had a desperate feeling of being enclosed...
0:34:59 > 0:35:02..having to get out. I must get out.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06WIND HOWLS
0:35:06 > 0:35:11I had only gone about 100 yards when I was aware of
0:35:11 > 0:35:14a growing feeling of doubt and uncertainty.
0:35:19 > 0:35:24I was intensely aware of the fact that I was going through nothing.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Through an intensely cold nothing.
0:35:30 > 0:35:31Going nowhere.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Of being entirely alone.
0:35:42 > 0:35:46I turned around and walked back to the house.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51ON PIANO: Away In A Manger
0:36:01 > 0:36:04I felt as if I was banging my head, my whole body,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07against the wall of blindness.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13A desperate need to break through this curtain, this veil,
0:36:13 > 0:36:18which surrounded me, to come out into the world of light out there.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31How could this happen to me?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36Who could ask me to go through this?
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Who had the right to deprive me of the sight of my children
0:36:41 > 0:36:43at Christmas time?
0:36:49 > 0:36:52The image that often called to me
0:36:52 > 0:36:55during the early days of my blindness
0:36:55 > 0:36:58came back to me with such force.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03I was in a little coal truck in a mine shaft,
0:37:03 > 0:37:07being trundled deeper and deeper into the mine.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Were we just out of control?
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Was there nobody in a position to stop it?
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Would it just go on and on?
0:37:17 > 0:37:20I had to get out. I had to jump out. I had to run back.
0:37:20 > 0:37:25But, no, it remorselessly carried me even deeper and deeper and deeper.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28INTENSE THUNDERING
0:37:51 > 0:37:55I think this idea of you going away into another world
0:37:55 > 0:38:00where I couldn't be was... That was awful. That was...
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Shall I scratch my eyes out?
0:38:10 > 0:38:13Shall I come with you into this world?
0:38:17 > 0:38:21I somehow feel that if I were to accept this thing,
0:38:21 > 0:38:24if I were to enter into acquiescence...
0:38:25 > 0:38:27..then I would die.
0:38:30 > 0:38:35Because it would be as if my ability to resist, my will to resist,
0:38:35 > 0:38:37were broken.
0:38:43 > 0:38:48On the other hand, not to accept seems futile
0:38:48 > 0:38:53because what one is refusing to accept is a fact.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03And now what I have to face is...
0:39:04 > 0:39:07..the thought that there is no escape.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11The thought that I shall now just go on
0:39:11 > 0:39:16with another 20, 30 or even more years of this.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27RECORDER CLICKS OFF
0:39:42 > 0:39:45One fights back by adopting tiny techniques.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Familiarity, predictability,
0:39:50 > 0:39:53the same objects, the same little movements of the hands.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00One has to establish some kind of environment -
0:40:00 > 0:40:02a study, a room, a route,
0:40:02 > 0:40:07a passage - over which one can establish some kind of territory.
0:40:11 > 0:40:15'I am not particularly conscious of being blind while I am at work.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21'When I'm at work, all my students have to come into MY world
0:40:21 > 0:40:24'of ideas and concepts and language.'
0:40:24 > 0:40:28OK, let's start with the very oldest or most ancient of these.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32That's the very first conflict, faith.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35'The essence of the thing is planning, initiatives
0:40:35 > 0:40:38'and active participation.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42'The moment I sink into passivity and irrelevance,
0:40:42 > 0:40:45'then I'm done for.'
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Tomorrow it will be reasonably sunny,
0:40:50 > 0:40:54reasonably cold, reasonably hot, reasonably everything.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56In fact, I don't know at all.
0:40:56 > 0:40:59And that is the end of the news.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01Dong! Dong! Dong!
0:41:15 > 0:41:18RAIN FALLS
0:41:25 > 0:41:29A note on the experience of hearing rain falling.
0:41:34 > 0:41:37This evening I came out the front door of the house
0:41:37 > 0:41:38and it was raining.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46I stood for a few minutes, lost in the beauty of it.
0:41:48 > 0:41:54Rain brings out the contours of what's around you...
0:41:56 > 0:41:58..in that it introduces
0:41:58 > 0:42:00a blanket
0:42:00 > 0:42:05of differentiated and specialised sound...
0:42:07 > 0:42:10..which fills the whole of the audible environment.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14SPATTERING
0:42:16 > 0:42:19THUDDING
0:42:21 > 0:42:24DRIPPING
0:42:26 > 0:42:29SPLASHING
0:42:33 > 0:42:36SPATTERING
0:42:36 > 0:42:40If only there could be something equivalent to rain falling inside...
0:42:42 > 0:42:48..then the whole of a room would take on shape and dimension.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51SPLATTERING
0:42:52 > 0:42:56Instead of being isolated, cut off,
0:42:56 > 0:42:58preoccupied internally...
0:43:00 > 0:43:02..you are presented with a world.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08You are related to a world.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10You are addressed by a world.
0:43:17 > 0:43:22Why should this experience strike one as being beautiful?
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Cognition is beautiful.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29It is beautiful to know.
0:43:37 > 0:43:43Well, I must thank you again for your tape from all of you.
0:43:43 > 0:43:47You, Thomas, and Lizzie, and Imogen too.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49How are you getting along?
0:43:49 > 0:43:51We'd love to see you some time.
0:43:51 > 0:43:55We don't realise how the time passes.
0:43:56 > 0:43:58Anyhow, thank you again.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02I hope you'll have the time to come out here to see us.
0:44:08 > 0:44:10Hello, Grandpa and Grandma.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13I hope you're fine, because we're having a wonderful time here.
0:44:13 > 0:44:17Do send love to all the other relatives in Australia.
0:44:17 > 0:44:19CHIMING
0:44:19 > 0:44:22Now it's time for the morning concert.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25(One, two, three.)
0:44:25 > 0:44:28# Sparkle, evening star
0:44:28 > 0:44:31# I've seen you there... #
0:44:31 > 0:44:32MOUTH ORGAN PLAYS
0:44:32 > 0:44:34# ..High above the ground
0:44:34 > 0:44:38# You sit and stare
0:44:38 > 0:44:40# Star bright
0:44:40 > 0:44:43# Gleaming white
0:44:43 > 0:44:48# I wonder if you hear my song tonight. #
0:44:48 > 0:44:51MOUTH ORGAN PLAYS
0:44:52 > 0:44:55- Beautiful.- That was good, Immy. That worked quite well.
0:44:58 > 0:45:01I've got one of them!
0:45:02 > 0:45:06- RECORDING: Beautiful.- That was good, Immy. That worked quite well.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13Well, Mum and Dad, I hope you enjoy that
0:45:13 > 0:45:16as an authentic bit of children's production.
0:45:18 > 0:45:22I should perhaps also add we will not be able to come to Australia...
0:45:25 > 0:45:30..because I do feel that the lack of mobility and of activity...
0:45:32 > 0:45:35..would be difficult for me to put up with.
0:45:40 > 0:45:42I'm sure you'll understand, Dad.
0:45:42 > 0:45:46CHILDREN SHOUT
0:45:51 > 0:45:54Well, I must stop now and get this off to you.
0:45:54 > 0:45:57Lots of love to all of you from all of us. Bye now.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13MUSIC PLAYS
0:46:13 > 0:46:15Read on.
0:46:15 > 0:46:19The grass and the plants, and it was...
0:46:19 > 0:46:22What does that little sign mean?
0:46:22 > 0:46:24Do it again on my hand.
0:46:29 > 0:46:30Like this?
0:46:31 > 0:46:33Yeah.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35It's a comma.
0:46:35 > 0:46:38- What does that mean? - It means you pause.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40Where does it have it?
0:46:42 > 0:46:45On Friday night, putting Thomas to bed,
0:46:45 > 0:46:48I had a long and detailed discussion with him
0:46:48 > 0:46:50about my blindness.
0:46:50 > 0:46:54"Will you always be blind?" he said.
0:46:54 > 0:46:56"Yes, always."
0:46:57 > 0:46:59"Couldn't the doctors stop it?"
0:46:59 > 0:47:02"The doctors tried."
0:47:04 > 0:47:06I explained about the retina,
0:47:06 > 0:47:10how it sometimes tears and comes off from the back of the eye.
0:47:12 > 0:47:14"What did they say?"
0:47:15 > 0:47:18"Well, they just said, 'Sorry, Mr Hull,
0:47:18 > 0:47:20"'we can't do any more for you.'"
0:47:22 > 0:47:24"Why doesn't God help you?"
0:47:26 > 0:47:29"God does help me...in lots of ways."
0:47:30 > 0:47:32"How?"
0:47:32 > 0:47:36"Well, he makes me strong and gives me courage."
0:47:37 > 0:47:40"But he doesn't help you to get your eyes back."
0:47:42 > 0:47:46Our Father, who art in heaven
0:47:46 > 0:47:48Hallowed be thy name
0:47:48 > 0:47:50Thy kingdom come
0:47:50 > 0:47:53Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
0:47:53 > 0:47:56Give us this day...
0:47:56 > 0:48:00Yes, there have been times when I have been angry with God.
0:48:03 > 0:48:06Unreasonably so, I suppose.
0:48:09 > 0:48:13Sometimes one's emotions spill over...
0:48:15 > 0:48:18..but I don't regard faith as a sort of a...
0:48:18 > 0:48:22A shield against the ordinary ups and downs of human life.
0:48:26 > 0:48:28Why shouldn't it happen to me?
0:48:34 > 0:48:37So now at last we come to this...
0:48:38 > 0:48:41..great problem, this question.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45The problem of mutual understanding.
0:48:47 > 0:48:51How can blind and sighted people truly understand each other?
0:48:53 > 0:48:55How can men understand women?
0:48:55 > 0:48:59How can the rich understand the poor?
0:48:59 > 0:49:03How can the old understand the young?
0:49:04 > 0:49:07Can we have insight into other people?
0:49:09 > 0:49:11This is the great question
0:49:11 > 0:49:14upon which the unity of our humanity hangs.
0:49:27 > 0:49:31'The last two days have been particularly peaceful and happy.
0:49:33 > 0:49:35'Two long days with Marilyn,
0:49:35 > 0:49:41'and it was one of the best times I've had playing with the children.'
0:49:41 > 0:49:45Yes, Thomas! Wow! Don't go falling off, will you?
0:49:46 > 0:49:50'My health is very much better than it was at Christmas time.
0:50:02 > 0:50:06'Perhaps blindness won't cut me off after all.'
0:50:18 > 0:50:22Was I going to live in reality or live in nostalgia?
0:50:26 > 0:50:28Over a period of weeks, months maybe,
0:50:28 > 0:50:32the decision hardened in me.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37I would not live in nostalgia
0:50:37 > 0:50:39but would live in reality...
0:50:41 > 0:50:43..and would become blind.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05FOOTSTEPS
0:51:10 > 0:51:11Wow.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14- It's a long drop.- Yeah.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17What's that bit in the middle?
0:51:20 > 0:51:23Are you all right, darling?
0:51:23 > 0:51:24Yeah.
0:52:01 > 0:52:05'I wanted my parents to know me as a blind person.
0:52:08 > 0:52:13'I wanted them to somehow recognise me and accept me.'
0:52:16 > 0:52:19Every year, we used to go and pick cherry plums and bring them home,
0:52:19 > 0:52:23and Mother made cherry plum jam by the dozen.
0:52:23 > 0:52:24SHE LAUGHS
0:52:24 > 0:52:27I can remember rows and rows of the jam!
0:52:30 > 0:52:34- Say, "Hello, Grandma". - Hello, Grandma.
0:52:34 > 0:52:37'Of course, they were delighted with the children.
0:52:38 > 0:52:41'But I think they were shocked.'
0:52:42 > 0:52:45..Absolutely scandalised...
0:52:45 > 0:52:47'It was like...
0:52:48 > 0:52:52'..having to get to know me all over again.'
0:52:54 > 0:52:58- It's a nice photo, that.- Yes.
0:52:59 > 0:53:03We have a photo of us sitting up in this car out in our backyard.
0:53:03 > 0:53:05That's right.
0:53:08 > 0:53:12How strangely coloured photographs fade.
0:53:17 > 0:53:21It's all laid out like a professional poet!
0:53:23 > 0:53:25"Poems to my mother."
0:53:25 > 0:53:27Ah, to my mother?
0:53:27 > 0:53:29Not to my mother and father.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32- Interesting.- To my mother.
0:53:36 > 0:53:39'I never had a close relationship with my father.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45'I don't know what he thought of it all.
0:53:48 > 0:53:50'I walked down to the shops with him.
0:53:53 > 0:53:56'We went to buy some bread and butter.
0:53:58 > 0:54:01'It was the first time I touched him on that visit.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06'And I was shocked at how fragile he was.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11'How slowly he moved along.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17'And as we went along,
0:54:17 > 0:54:21'he with his blind son at his elbow...
0:54:23 > 0:54:26'..I wondered what was going on in his mind
0:54:26 > 0:54:28'but we didn't talk about it.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32'I wish I'd known.
0:54:32 > 0:54:34'I wish I did know.'
0:54:41 > 0:54:43CHILDREN SING HAPPILY
0:55:21 > 0:55:24It was a strange thing, John, wasn't it?
0:55:24 > 0:55:29That Dad came from England and married an Australian girl,
0:55:29 > 0:55:33and you were born in Australia and married an English girl.
0:55:33 > 0:55:35- Yes, it's just that.- Yeah.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40He's a good father, then.
0:55:44 > 0:55:49'I remember she's sitting next to me, cuddling up quite close.
0:55:49 > 0:55:52'"John," she said, "I have to come up close to you now
0:55:52 > 0:55:56'"because there's no other way we can get in contact, is there?"
0:55:56 > 0:56:00'I said, "Yes, Mother, but that's all right."
0:56:09 > 0:56:11'Dear old Mother.
0:56:11 > 0:56:13'What's it like for you?'
0:56:20 > 0:56:24PIERCING SCREAM
0:56:29 > 0:56:31Where are you?
0:56:31 > 0:56:34CHILD CRIES
0:56:42 > 0:56:44It's all right.
0:56:47 > 0:56:50- Is she hurt?- Oh, dear...
0:56:50 > 0:56:53- What happened?- She shut her finger in the door.
0:56:53 > 0:56:55Oh...
0:56:55 > 0:56:58'I remember taking her little hand.'
0:57:01 > 0:57:03CHILD CRIES
0:57:05 > 0:57:09'Painful for the child but no harm done, really.'
0:57:09 > 0:57:12That's a good girl. Try to stretch out your fingers a little bit.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14It'll be fine, love.
0:57:16 > 0:57:18'That was a frightening moment.
0:57:21 > 0:57:24'The discovery that you're useless is not a nice discovery...
0:57:26 > 0:57:28'..for any father to make.'
0:57:35 > 0:57:37- You all right?- Yes.
0:57:44 > 0:57:47You just look a bit... Do you want some water?
0:57:47 > 0:57:49I'm all right.
0:58:18 > 0:58:20MUFFLED CONVERSATION
0:59:01 > 0:59:04- ..When will it come? - When will what come?
0:59:04 > 0:59:06The speaking bit.
0:59:06 > 0:59:08We have to speak, darling.
0:59:08 > 0:59:10Just like a telephone.
0:59:10 > 0:59:12- Do you know what this is called? - What?
0:59:12 > 0:59:14It's called a tape recorder.
0:59:14 > 0:59:16See that going round inside there?
0:59:16 > 0:59:18It's making little records,
0:59:18 > 0:59:21and your voice and my voice are on it.
0:59:21 > 0:59:23Say, "Hello, hello, hello".
0:59:23 > 0:59:25Hello, hello, hello.
0:59:29 > 0:59:32RECORDER CLICKS OFF
0:59:46 > 0:59:48RECORDED CLICKS ON
0:59:48 > 0:59:51TAPE WINDS
1:00:18 > 1:00:21I knew that this was the first time I'd seen her.
1:00:24 > 1:00:26I stared at her, full of wonder...
1:00:28 > 1:00:31..taking in every detail of her face.
1:00:34 > 1:00:36I thought, so this is her.
1:00:36 > 1:00:39This is she.
1:00:42 > 1:00:45These are those lovely luminous brown eyes.
1:00:46 > 1:00:49This is that smile that they all talk about.
1:01:00 > 1:01:03Everything went black again.
1:01:03 > 1:01:05TAPE WINDS
1:01:07 > 1:01:09I was back in consciousness...
1:01:11 > 1:01:13..and in blindness...
1:01:15 > 1:01:17..and I realised with a shock...
1:01:19 > 1:01:21..that it had been a dream.
1:01:26 > 1:01:29I got sick of recording this one so I've stopped.
1:01:34 > 1:01:36CHILD SINGS
1:02:06 > 1:02:09When I was last here,
1:02:09 > 1:02:12many of my best-remembered places...
1:02:13 > 1:02:15..were already fading.
1:02:25 > 1:02:26Somehow...
1:02:28 > 1:02:31..I expected Melbourne to be there.
1:02:36 > 1:02:37That's stupid, isn't it?
1:02:42 > 1:02:46Just move in. Just move in.
1:02:50 > 1:02:53You want to take your kids and say,
1:02:53 > 1:02:55"This is the beach we used to come to.
1:03:00 > 1:03:02"That's the place where we used to play footy.
1:03:06 > 1:03:08"This is the school I went to."
1:03:13 > 1:03:15But there was nothing there.
1:03:18 > 1:03:20Just people's hands and voices.
1:03:23 > 1:03:25The feel of the car on the road.
1:03:27 > 1:03:30The wind, of course.
1:03:30 > 1:03:33Walking along somewhere, never quite knew where.
1:03:36 > 1:03:38That's really all there was.
1:03:44 > 1:03:47I didn't somehow expect it.
1:03:47 > 1:03:50I didn't anticipate that.
1:03:51 > 1:03:53I don't know why.
1:03:56 > 1:03:58CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
1:04:02 > 1:04:03Tom!
1:04:03 > 1:04:06Come along. What are you doing?
1:04:19 > 1:04:21The house itself...
1:04:27 > 1:04:28What was it like?
1:04:37 > 1:04:39Where did I sleep?
1:04:49 > 1:04:51I can't remember much.
1:05:08 > 1:05:10This is too difficult.
1:05:16 > 1:05:18I don't remember.
1:05:21 > 1:05:23Isn't that strange?
1:05:29 > 1:05:31Oh, I just don't remember.
1:05:38 > 1:05:40'It was exactly that moment.
1:05:42 > 1:05:44'The world is lost.
1:05:54 > 1:05:59'And it wasn't just the Melbourne I knew that was lost.
1:06:00 > 1:06:02'I myself was lost.
1:06:06 > 1:06:08'I began to be terribly afraid...
1:06:10 > 1:06:12'..that something would be broken between us
1:06:12 > 1:06:14'which could not be healed.
1:06:21 > 1:06:25'That you were disappearing into a world where I could not follow.'
1:06:41 > 1:06:44THUNDER RUMBLES
1:06:44 > 1:06:47Everything was just tumbling down.
1:07:07 > 1:07:09We knew we wouldn't go back, didn't we?
1:07:18 > 1:07:20We will never do this again.
1:07:52 > 1:07:56I have returned home with a feeling of immense relief.
1:08:00 > 1:08:03To be again in a familiar house, surrounded by familiar objects...
1:08:10 > 1:08:14..to have in my mind a mental picture of the environment
1:08:14 > 1:08:17in the streets and city around me
1:08:17 > 1:08:21is like having the world restored to me again.
1:08:23 > 1:08:24Three...
1:08:27 > 1:08:28..two...
1:08:30 > 1:08:33..one! Here I come, ready or not.
1:08:49 > 1:08:52Now, let me see.
1:08:52 > 1:08:55'Never have I done the washing up with such happiness.
1:08:56 > 1:09:00'I got up this morning and made Marilyn a cup of tea...
1:09:02 > 1:09:04'..feeling so grateful...
1:09:05 > 1:09:08'..that I could move freely, that I knew where things were,
1:09:08 > 1:09:11'that I could act.'
1:09:11 > 1:09:13Is he behind the curtain?
1:09:15 > 1:09:17No, not there, either.
1:09:17 > 1:09:21'That I was coming out of that shadow land of passivity...'
1:09:21 > 1:09:23Where could he be?
1:09:23 > 1:09:27'..into personal action and life again.'
1:09:28 > 1:09:30Got you!
1:09:30 > 1:09:32THEY LAUGH
1:09:40 > 1:09:43BABY GURGLES
1:09:47 > 1:09:49BABY CRIES
1:09:59 > 1:10:02September 22nd 1985.
1:10:08 > 1:10:11I love the thrill of him...
1:10:12 > 1:10:16..the way I can slightly sense when he's looking at me now.
1:10:19 > 1:10:23I also like feeling his little nose and holding one foot.
1:10:27 > 1:10:30I love holding his little hands and putting my own hand
1:10:30 > 1:10:32on the warmth of his head.
1:10:32 > 1:10:36The feel of him as I have him over my shoulder.
1:10:45 > 1:10:49It's seven o'clock and time for Radio 8 and here's your host,
1:10:49 > 1:10:50Immy Hull!
1:10:50 > 1:10:55It will be drizzly today with occasional intervals of sun.
1:10:55 > 1:10:57Later on in the day...
1:10:57 > 1:11:01Two or three times this week I have taken Thomas to school.
1:11:01 > 1:11:04Perhaps I'd say, he has taken me.
1:11:04 > 1:11:08And he is getting quite good at guiding me, although unreliable.
1:11:11 > 1:11:13Right, let's have a look at you.
1:11:13 > 1:11:16'We also have a way of saying goodbye
1:11:16 > 1:11:20'which is the equivalent of waving.
1:11:20 > 1:11:25'As he runs off through the playground he shouts out "bye".'
1:11:25 > 1:11:26Bye!
1:11:26 > 1:11:28'And I shout "bye".'
1:11:28 > 1:11:30- Bye.- Bye!
1:11:30 > 1:11:34'And we keep up this echoing chorus
1:11:34 > 1:11:36'until his voice becomes faint.'
1:11:40 > 1:11:42Bye!
1:11:42 > 1:11:44Bye!
1:11:45 > 1:11:46'I love this.'
1:12:02 > 1:12:06I had said to myself that I would learn to live with blindness
1:12:06 > 1:12:08but I would never accept it.
1:12:14 > 1:12:17Now I find that there's been a strange kind of change
1:12:17 > 1:12:20in the state of my brain.
1:12:26 > 1:12:30It's as if now, being denied the stimulus of the outside world,
1:12:30 > 1:12:34the thing has turned in upon itself
1:12:34 > 1:12:36in order to find inner resources.
1:12:44 > 1:12:47Occasionally I go home in the evening and I feel as if my mind
1:12:47 > 1:12:51is almost blown with new ideas and new horizons.
1:12:56 > 1:12:59I find myself connecting more, remembering more,
1:12:59 > 1:13:03making more links in my mind between the various things I've read
1:13:03 > 1:13:05and learned all my life.
1:13:08 > 1:13:13I now feel clearer, more excited, more adventurous,
1:13:13 > 1:13:17more confident intellectually than I've ever felt in my life.
1:13:19 > 1:13:22THUNDER CRASHES
1:13:26 > 1:13:31There is something so totally purging about blindness
1:13:31 > 1:13:35that one either is destroyed or renewed.
1:13:39 > 1:13:42Your consciousness is evacuated.
1:13:51 > 1:13:55Your past memories, your interests,
1:13:55 > 1:13:57your perception of time.
1:14:00 > 1:14:02Place itself.
1:14:03 > 1:14:05The world itself.
1:14:13 > 1:14:16One must recreate one's life.
1:14:19 > 1:14:22In my case, fortunately,
1:14:22 > 1:14:26I had a central core around which to recreate it.
1:14:29 > 1:14:32That was my good fortune.
1:14:43 > 1:14:46FOOTSTEPS
1:14:50 > 1:14:53CANE TAPS
1:14:59 > 1:15:02ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS
1:15:06 > 1:15:09FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
1:15:12 > 1:15:14You all right there, John?
1:15:14 > 1:15:17- Anything I can help you with? - No, I'm fine.
1:15:22 > 1:15:25ORGAN MUSIC SWELLS
1:16:06 > 1:16:09The whole place was just throbbing.
1:16:11 > 1:16:14You know, you could feel the pews vibrating with it.
1:16:19 > 1:16:22Suddenly I had the most intense feeling...
1:16:25 > 1:16:27..that God was approaching me.
1:16:33 > 1:16:38And I just had this vivid, vivid sense
1:16:38 > 1:16:41of the divine presence.
1:16:46 > 1:16:49Now, He'd come
1:16:49 > 1:16:52sort of swooping in
1:16:52 > 1:16:56from some great business he'd been up to, intergalactically!
1:16:56 > 1:16:58That's ridiculous, darling!
1:16:58 > 1:17:00Well, you know, that's how it seemed.
1:17:00 > 1:17:03He had made a special visit.
1:17:10 > 1:17:13And He threw a dark cloak over me.
1:17:21 > 1:17:22And then...
1:17:23 > 1:17:26..the most remarkable thing was...
1:17:28 > 1:17:31..that He didn't...He couldn't leave.
1:17:31 > 1:17:33He was there, just waiting.
1:17:37 > 1:17:39And I said, "I'll be fine.
1:17:39 > 1:17:41"Don't worry about me."
1:17:50 > 1:17:52And in that pause I had a sense...
1:17:55 > 1:17:57..of such grace...
1:18:01 > 1:18:03..and I thought, that's it.
1:18:03 > 1:18:05It's a gift.
1:18:07 > 1:18:10It's not a gift I want.
1:18:10 > 1:18:12It's not a gift that I want my children to have.
1:18:12 > 1:18:14But it is a gift.
1:18:21 > 1:18:23So the question is...
1:18:24 > 1:18:28..not why have I got it, but what can I do with it?
1:18:45 > 1:18:48WAVES CRASH
1:18:54 > 1:18:56SEABIRDS CRY