0:00:09 > 0:00:13This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Gentlemen, can we all gather around here, please?
0:00:17 > 0:00:20OK, when we walk in, we're absolutely quiet.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23No talking, no joking, whatever.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28We're going into a maximum security prison, and you're being watched right now.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20I heard about the programme through a friend, and I think that this is a
0:01:20 > 0:01:24path that I need to take, to better find out, you know,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26who I am as a person and... You know what I'm saying?
0:01:26 > 0:01:31As far as growing up in the streets and possibly being one of these inmates.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42My desire to do this is to get shaken out of whatever it is
0:01:42 > 0:01:43that's keeping me, like, stuck.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48When I thought about the opportunity,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52it seemed just crazy enough to, like, really wake me up a little bit.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53OK, gentlemen.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56You're doing great.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01But I haven't yet decided how I feel about a hardened criminal who'd
0:02:01 > 0:02:04killed somebody and is working through how to deal with that.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I don't know how to feel about that.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I've never really encountered... I've never met a person who killed another person.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I mean, it'll be scary but...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20..that's kind of, I don't know, what keeps me sort of interested in it.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Like, the sensation of me being in danger has, like, a draw to it,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28because it's not, you know, like the humdrum, you know - get in your car,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32drive to work, you know, go home, drive to the gym, come back,
0:02:32 > 0:02:33eat dinner and watch TV.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Can we all stand for a minute?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20If you will, please close your eyes.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25And I'd like for all of us to go inside, to go outside.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I will call a chant, "Simbaway",
0:03:30 > 0:03:32the way the lion walks, the way the lion is,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36the way the lion be so that we can be that way also.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40And after I say that word,
0:03:40 > 0:03:42you will answer, "Shoo."
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Let me hear that sound one time.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47ALL: Shoo!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49And let it come from the navel.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- TUNEFULLY:- Sim-m-m-ba-a-a-a-way-y-y!
0:03:59 > 0:04:00ALL: Shoo!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Come on, now. I can't hear you. I can't feel you.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Simbaway!
0:04:08 > 0:04:09ALL: Shoo!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Simbaway!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13ALL: Shoo!
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Simbaway!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15- ALL:- Shoo!
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Simbaway!- Shoo! - Simbaway!- Shoo!
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- Simbaway!- Shoo! - Simbaway!- Shoo!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Simbaway!- Shoo! - Simbaway!- Shoo!
0:04:26 > 0:04:30CONTINUES
0:04:33 > 0:04:35PACE QUICKENS
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Si-i-i-i-i-mbaway!
0:04:46 > 0:04:47ALL: Shoo!
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Si-i-i-i-i-mbaway!
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Shoo!
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Si-i-i-i-i-mbaway!
0:04:56 > 0:04:57Shoo!
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Now, just breathe into that.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Sound a little bit like a train for a minute.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09The train has pulled into the station.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12And you need to get on.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17I'll show you.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Here we are. We finally all made it into this circle.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Look around.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32I have no idea what it's going to look like.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I would be lying if I said I did.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41All I know is that there are a bunch of really intense, dedicated,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45committed men sitting in this circle who are willing to go anywhere with you...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51..however you need to go, and whatever way that looks like.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I just want to throw this out.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Over the years, I keep hearing these distinctions about guys from the
0:06:00 > 0:06:01streets and guys from prison.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I say fuck all that.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07We're guys.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09And we're in here, struggling the best way we know how.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Our guys in prison...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18..we're going to come in here, we're going to be authentic.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20We're not going to be who we are out there on the yard.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23I ask that of you guys too.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28You know who you are out there on the streets.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Be more than that.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Not just us,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33not just the guys who have to wear fucking blue.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36But all of us. Let's be...
0:06:36 > 0:06:38For four days, let's be...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41..what we could be.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Let's...let's be that.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Amen.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01All right, so...
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Here's what I want you to listen up to.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07In a moment,
0:07:07 > 0:07:12you're going to go across this space and pick one of these guys.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Look carefully and choose carefully.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Cos this is an important choice.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20You're going to be with this man that you choose for these next four days.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Don't cheat yourself. Don't just wait for it to happen any old way.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Get who you want.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Move to where you need to move.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33So, here we go.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36One, two...
0:07:38 > 0:07:39..three, go.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Take him back to where you were. Put him behind you.- In silence.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Let's do it in silence.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Get him, get him, get him.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Go, go, go.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Get him, go.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07OK, so, take the men who are behind you.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Grab some chairs, sit down together, and tell each other who you are.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Start there. Just start right there.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Tell each other who you are. Introduce yourselves.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18My name is Charles Tait.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Born...- Do you go by Charles?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Yeah. Yeah. Born and raised in LA all my life.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28South Central, pretty much all over the place in LA.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32One of the reasons why I agreed to come here was because my biological father was
0:08:32 > 0:08:35in prison when I was born, so that's probably why one of my biggest,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38biggest fears is being locked up, you know what I'm saying?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Aside from dying, you know what I mean?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42So, tell me what...
0:08:42 > 0:08:43What do you...?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45What are you looking for here?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Why did you come and what are you really...?
0:08:48 > 0:08:49What's your goal?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I thought... I thought it was going to be to, erm...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56..like, figure out, like, maybe it would bring me
0:08:56 > 0:08:57some clarity and I thought,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01coming in here and talking with you guys, I'd get
0:09:01 > 0:09:06some sense of why I've gone through my life with a lot of opportunities,
0:09:06 > 0:09:12and I haven't really taken a lot of them, and I'm now 25 years old, and...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16..I am no closer to figuring out what I want to do with my life than I was
0:09:16 > 0:09:19when I was 15 or 16.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21And when you guys walk out on the yard, like...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I mean, you guys have been here for a while.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I mean, you look like a little kid.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I mean, really.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You look young, too. All you've got to do is shave it off.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yeah. No, I'll look younger.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39I'm assuming that there's guys that don't like to come out there, but maybe I'm wrong.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40I mean, what goes on?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Exercise, law library.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Sports.- Being able to see other people interact and mingle.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54But what's with your interest in how the situation is in prison?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I'm just trying to grasp, like,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00what life you're going back to when you walk out of the room, I guess.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- Can I ask both you guys a question?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Number one, what got you here and how long have you been here?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10What got me here was one count of murder, three counts of robbery.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I've been here 22 years.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15And I'm from San Diego, California.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17South-east, West Coast Crip.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I'm no longer affiliated.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I got, like, 75 years.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Yeah, I got a lot of time.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27As far as these circles are concerned,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I've been in these circles for years.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I've been locked up 19 years.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33I'm in my 19th year now.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I'm doing seven-to-life.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Kidnapping for purposes of robbery.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I started stealing and that was...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43There's some sense of excitement, you know,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47and I was getting away with things, you know, and then eventually,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I didn't get away with it. You know, and I was 18.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54And I've been in here ever since. I'm 39 now, so...
0:10:54 > 0:10:55I almost chopped a guy in half.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01They found me guilty. They found me guilty for attempted murder.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I paralysed the guy for life.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I literally sat on his chest with a knife like that. Big, just...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I cut a line, a jagged line across his stomach,
0:11:11 > 0:11:12trying to cut this dude in half.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Part of me believes that that's just what the fuck life is,
0:11:17 > 0:11:22and there's nothing I can do, think, be taught, to change it.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25To change what exactly?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Life or the bullshit?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29My life and my place in life.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Because of where you're at right now?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Like, physically right here?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37No, no, no, no. In your life and your place in it.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Where you're at right now.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41I'm discontent.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Would you be willing to go into these four days
0:11:46 > 0:11:52open to finding a new way to look at it?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Not to fix them, not to make them go away.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- But to be able to look at them from another perspective.- From another perspective?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Yeah, I'm willing to do that.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Cos this shit doesn't work.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- OK.- You know, it doesn't. It just fucking doesn't.- OK.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- You need anything during this break? - Some water or some shit.- Get some water.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Do you guys want anything?- I'm good.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20- You all right?- I'm good, thank you.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24We got one. A real live wire.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- We do. - THEY LAUGH
0:12:27 > 0:12:29We do. I saw him laughing and marvelling,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32cos I see myself, I said, "Man...
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"Man, you don't even know."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- It's like looking in a mirror. It's looking in a mirror.- Exactly.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Let's do a check-in. Any man can start one, and we'll go around checking in.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13What I want out of this weekend...
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I want to be able to get out of my way.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25I want to stop being my own worst enemy, and be able to connect with anybody
0:13:25 > 0:13:26I cross paths with.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30I want us to be able to stand together and be kissed by God together.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32That's what I want. Amen.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I'm Dark Cloud. In these four days...
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I want to... I want to... I want to be vulnerable.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47I want to be vulnerable.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51And I don't want to be scared to be vulnerable.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Cos every time, every time I've made myself vulnerable, I've been hurt and...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Amen with that.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I'm Kiks.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03I'm checking in, wanting to touch certain parts of my life.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12I want to touch on the fears that I have, my fear of loss and my family,
0:14:12 > 0:14:14of not knowing how they're doing...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18..or what they're going through.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I want to get into it. I just want to get into this.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Well, let's stand up.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30And if we just move the chairs back a little bit, without too much noise...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I need each man in this group...
0:14:41 > 0:14:45..to help me get to a place that I've been denying myself.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46I haven't grieved...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50..for my sister in a long time, and I don't know how.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I'm tired of holding this in.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57I'm tired of having that fear of whether they are concerned about when I get there,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59that I've got to pull back.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01I want to be open to it.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I want to just let the floodgates open, but right now,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07as you brothers can tell, I've got fear.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Yeah. What's the fear about?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12That I'll lose something that I've had for so long.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16That I'll lose that protective shield, that armour that I wore, that vest.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Could you describe that piece of armour to me?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22That one that keeps you, you know, keeps you from having to do that?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24The armour looks like this.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It's not OK to cry.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27It's not OK to mourn.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30It's not OK to show that you have tears.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31It's not OK.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I want to feel what it feels like to mourn.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I want to feel that.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I don't want to bottle up that little kid,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42that little kid that used to cry when his daddy used to whup his ass.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Excuse my language.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I don't want to deny him...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54..what he's always wanted.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I don't want to take away what my dad took away from me.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Stay with it.- I don't want to feel that pain no more, man!
0:16:01 > 0:16:06I don't want... I don't want to feel like I can't feel any more.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I want to be able to cry, because my sister died.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I want to be able to feel, because I can't hug my mom.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14That's what I want to feel.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I don't want to feel like no damn puppy.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I don't want to feel like no sucker out here that just don't got no emotions.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I want to feel like me.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I don't want to be afraid of that. I don't want to have to pull back.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- You trust me?- I trust you.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Well, let's step into that gear.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Open up. Open up to that feeling.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Trust me. Take me there with you.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I'll go there with you.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I won't let anything happen. I've got you.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47You know I'm fighting this.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49I know. Stick with it.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Feel it. Open up.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Let your hands go. Open up.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Don't put that armour back up.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Don't put that shield back up.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10She's gone.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16And what do you feel about that?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Sad.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Feel that sadness.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Don't stop it. Don't run from it.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27Feel it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30May I touch your jaw?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Just relax your mouth. May I touch it?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Trust me. May I touch your jaw?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Yes.- OK, relax your mouth.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Open it up a little bit. Open it up a little bit.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Just relax, let it go.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43And just breathe.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Breathe through here.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Breathe in.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Yeah. Keep breathing.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Just breathe.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55It's been a long time since your body...
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Breathe.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00Yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Relax your jaw. Relax it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Let it go, let it go.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Let it open, let it open.
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Breathe.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13HE BREATHES IRREGULARLY
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Yeah, yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Breathe.- There it is, there it is.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- We've all got your back.- Breathe.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Breathe.- We've all got your back. - Breathe, bring it up.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Bring it up.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28HE SOBS
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Let it go. Let it go.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Let it go.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37HE CRIES
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Let it go.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Lie down.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It's been in there too long. Don't hold it in.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53HE SOBS
0:19:00 > 0:19:03OH, GOD DAMMIT!
0:19:03 > 0:19:08- Yeah, that's it, that's it. - Tell him you're right here.- I'm right here.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I'm right here with you, brother.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12HE CRIES
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I'm right here, brother. Stay with it.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17HE SCREAMS
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Let him let it out.- God...damn it!
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Damn it! Damn you!
0:19:27 > 0:19:28That's right.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31What the hell did you...?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Agh! Goddammit!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- It hurts, I know it hurts. Let it out.- Breathe.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Breathe, breathe.- That's it, bro, go ahead.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Go ahead.- Agh!- I'm still here, I'm still here.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- I'm still here.- Agh!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- I'm still here.- Ugh!- We're right here.- Ugh!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Where you at right now? Talk to me.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Where you at?- Ugh!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Talk to me.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I'm right here, I'm right here. Just talk to me.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Let me know where you at.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01HE CATCHES BREATH
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Talk to me.- Ugh!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Don't hide it. Don't run.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- Come here.- Take it in.- Yeah.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- It's already done.- Don't run, come here.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17It's fucked up, I feel it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Yeah? That's not fucked up.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22- You know what I'm saying?- Charles, it's fucked up if you don't.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Just feel it. Just feel it.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- I didn't expect this shit.- No.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31No, you wouldn't have came if you did.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Just let it be.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I'm right here. I'm right here.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Let's get some water.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Where you at? Talk to me.- I'm tired.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- You're tired, yeah.- You're tired. - OK. That's good work.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:06There you go, man.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14No punches! No punches.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16All right. Man...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I know I don't know you like that, man, but...
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It meant a lot, yeah, like, you...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Keep it up, keep it up.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29You got me. For real.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33That took a lot of fucking balls to do what you just did.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You know what I'm saying?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- OK.- You can tell you're a very, very proud motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?
0:21:41 > 0:21:42That was some...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44That was some real, real shit, man, for real.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46That fucked me up. Thank you.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Well, any man can start.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Let's check in, to check out for the evening.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59I'm checking in and checking out.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Uh...
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Yeah, that was overwhelming.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07But it was needed and it was necessary.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11And I'm very, very, very grateful, from my heart.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13I'm out with that.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17I got big love for you, Kiks.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Big love.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24There's no words. I ain't even going to even try and belittle it with words.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25I'm out.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Er...
0:22:28 > 0:22:33I'm having an impossible time not judging what the fuck's going on.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I'm placing all sorts of fucking values on the work that I saw,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38the help of the work, er...
0:22:40 > 0:22:41And, er...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I don't like being in that place, because...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I'm just kind of struggling.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Erm...
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I don't like judging all this shit, but that's what I fucking do.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04You did a good job, you did an all right job, you know?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07You ran a quarter of a mile, you've still got three more to fucking go.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Um...
0:23:10 > 0:23:12- And that's it. I'm out.- Thank you.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I like my two guys a lot.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I think they, er... I think they want...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41..they want me to crack.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46They keep, like, waiting for me to, like, er, to do something.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So... I don't know.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Like, I realise that we live in a society where we shy away from,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- you know...- Showing emotion.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56..showing emotion and expressing ourselves through tears
0:23:56 > 0:24:00but, I mean, I don't...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I don't think that that's a necessity, either,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04in a situation like this, that you have to start crying.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I think in the case of Kiki, he did.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- That's what he was there for.- Right.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10He said, "I need to mourn for my sister,"
0:24:10 > 0:24:14and they got him there, and that was exactly what he needed.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16But I didn't come here looking to cry,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and I don't want to feel like I'm letting them down if I don't.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Hm!
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Find a chair and let's go into silence.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Please sit down, find your chair...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52..and let's go into silence, gentlemen.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59This whole process of going down into the wound...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01..is not an end in itself.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04We're looking for something
0:25:04 > 0:25:08and we're bringing something back out of that descent.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10So listen for it in this poem.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12It comes right in the last line.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19"Those who will not slip beneath the still surface on the well of grief,
0:25:19 > 0:25:24"drifting downward through the black water to the place we cannot breathe
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"can never know the source from which we drink.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"The secret water, cold and clear."
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Now, listen... "Nor find in the darkness glimmering
0:25:36 > 0:25:37"the small, round coins
0:25:37 > 0:25:41"thrown away by those who wished for something else."
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Hey, can we...
0:25:50 > 0:25:53..kind of try something here to where we just...
0:25:53 > 0:25:55..just go round and name our betrayals,
0:25:55 > 0:25:56where we've been betrayed?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And just so you know, I have no agenda.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04I have no process...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07..and I... I know you're going to judge me.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10I want you to know that.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Because I'm judging you judging me.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Whew...
0:26:20 > 0:26:22My earliest memory is when I'm, like, three years old...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26..and I'm standing there in a fucking diaper...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30..and my real dad just got home from the Navy,
0:26:30 > 0:26:31and I don't know who the fuck he is.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36And he's got this fucking battery-operated robot
0:26:36 > 0:26:40that's flashing and making all kinds of weird-ass fucking noises...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43..and he wants me to come get it.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I don't want that motherfucking thing.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50I don't know who the dude is.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53I don't want nothing to do with him.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58He tells me, "Ricky, come get this."
0:27:00 > 0:27:01And I'm scared.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06So, he walks over and he slaps the shit out of me,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10and he goes back and sits on the steps, tells me, "Come get this."
0:27:13 > 0:27:15And we played that out for I don't know how long.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20In my mind, it's...hours.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27And my whole life has followed with events just like that one.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And I don't know who my real dad is, either.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I know when I started fucking up enough when I was 15,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41they sent me to live with some dude who said that he was my dad,
0:27:41 > 0:27:42and he's a piece of shit.
0:27:43 > 0:27:49He's a fucking drunk, he's a liar, he's got a 14-year-old girlfriend -
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and I had 15 years' worth of rage I wanted to give to him.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I hurt that motherfucker every way I knew how to hurt him...
0:27:59 > 0:28:02..and then I heard the same story -
0:28:02 > 0:28:06"You're fucking crazy, you're crazy, lock him up."
0:28:10 > 0:28:11People's betrayed me my whole life.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14The bike gang I was a member of -
0:28:14 > 0:28:17once I got locked up and I was no use to them no more, they were done.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22The people I was willing to kill and die for, they were done.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26I don't know what love really looks like.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28I'm just now fucking learning.
0:28:28 > 0:28:3047 years old and I'm just now learning.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I don't want to fucking be violent -
0:28:39 > 0:28:41and that's what I know how to do.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I'm out.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Growing up, all my homeboys and them,
0:28:57 > 0:29:02everybody had their father to do shit with, you know what I mean?
0:29:02 > 0:29:06I had a man that helped raise me, but he wasn't my father.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09You know what I'm saying? You know, and...
0:29:09 > 0:29:11..he was in prison in Louisiana when I was born...
0:29:14 > 0:29:17..and, er, I read a couple of letters that he wrote to my mother.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20He never referred to me as "my son", you know.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23It was like, "How's the baby?" And...
0:29:25 > 0:29:27It was fucked up, man.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29I mean, how can you not want to see your child?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32You know what I'm saying? I'm a good motherfucker.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35At least, I think so. You know?
0:29:36 > 0:29:39And that shit hurts, man, cos, you know, I don't know my...
0:29:39 > 0:29:41..never knew my place in this world, you know what I'm saying?
0:29:41 > 0:29:44You know, nobody to teach me how to be a man.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48I had to do that shit on my own, you know?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52I don't even know all the story,
0:29:52 > 0:29:54I don't even know if he even walked out of prison.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58You know what I mean? But I just felt that, you know, if he did...
0:29:59 > 0:30:02..you know, he knew where I was.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03You know what I'm saying?
0:30:03 > 0:30:06I felt that he should have fucking tried to find me.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09You know, I'll be 41 years old next year...
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Well, next month. And, erm...
0:30:13 > 0:30:17I've always felt that empty spot in my life, man.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Like I was always missing something, like a part of me.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26You know, and... And that's some hurtful-ass shit, man.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28That's some hurtful-ass shit.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30- But...- No buts.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- No buts.- And.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34"But" takes away everything that came before, so...
0:30:38 > 0:30:39Every day.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43I just try to be...
0:30:44 > 0:30:45..what he wasn't to my...
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I try to be to my kids what he was not for me.
0:30:50 > 0:30:54Well, explain that. How are you able to fill that space?
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Number one, being there.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Constantly letting them know how much I love them.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Not just through material things, but actually saying the words,
0:31:05 > 0:31:07giving them hugs and kisses, you know.
0:31:07 > 0:31:12- Encouragement.- Do you think they feel any of that sadness that you
0:31:12 > 0:31:15pour out in an attempt to feed them love?
0:31:15 > 0:31:17- Yes.- Yeah.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28So, what's...? There's some sadness that's right there on the verge
0:31:28 > 0:31:30right now. Why won't you let it out?
0:31:32 > 0:31:34I thought I did.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37It's right there. And then you started biting your lip.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Almost as if to hold it in, to keep it from coming out.
0:31:40 > 0:31:42What you think will happen if it comes out, man?
0:31:42 > 0:31:45If that overwhelming sadness starts to come up out of you,
0:31:45 > 0:31:47what do you think will happen?
0:31:48 > 0:31:51- I couldn't tell you.- Right. But what do you think will happen?
0:31:51 > 0:31:54I know you don't know, but what do you think will happen?
0:32:01 > 0:32:05If this is... If this is the limit of where you can get to right now,
0:32:05 > 0:32:06this is where you can get to.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09We're not measuring shit.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13So if you're completely, you know,
0:32:13 > 0:32:16you're good with where you're at right now, then let's move around,
0:32:16 > 0:32:19keep going round the circle.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22This ain't easy, you know. And for the first time, it's really not easy.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25So...
0:32:25 > 0:32:26So, um...
0:32:27 > 0:32:29I mean, there's so many motherfucking betrayals.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32I've visited my betrayals over and over and over again.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Um...
0:32:34 > 0:32:36I think the one that...
0:32:36 > 0:32:40..that I absolutely feel like is a betrayal and happened when I was about 16 or 17,
0:32:40 > 0:32:44and this older brother kind of took me under his wing.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46He treated me like his little brother.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48He taught me how to drink.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50He taught me how to smoke weed.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53He taught me how to do all this shit. And he... And I trusted him.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55And I started to open my heart to him.
0:32:57 > 0:32:58And, uh...
0:32:58 > 0:33:02It was my first sexual experience with this woman and I told him about it.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03And this motherfucker...
0:33:07 > 0:33:09We were working together, and I go to work the next day and this
0:33:09 > 0:33:14motherfucker, he's told everybody about the shit that I had told him
0:33:14 > 0:33:16- that I thought was...- Sacred.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Was sacred, safe.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23And then when I brought it to the motherfucker, what he tells me is,
0:33:23 > 0:33:25"Oh, you pussy motherfucker.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29"You just finally got some pussy, so what you tripping about?!"
0:33:29 > 0:33:30And that shit hurt me.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35And from that point forward,
0:33:35 > 0:33:39I made a conscious decision that nobody would ever get me in that
0:33:39 > 0:33:41position again where I feel like that.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Nobody, ever.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46And what I decided to do was that not only was I not going to feel
0:33:46 > 0:33:49hurt about that, I wasn't going to feel hurt about any fucking thing.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51So the next thing was getting high.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53The next thing after that was heroin.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I was a heroin addict for 22 years because I didn't want to fucking feel.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03Can I say something?
0:34:03 > 0:34:06When you were talking about how this guy, uh,
0:34:06 > 0:34:10aired your laundry, and I think the word you were looking for was "sacred"
0:34:10 > 0:34:13cos Lonnie said it, um...
0:34:13 > 0:34:16And you weren't going to show anybody whatever you connect to the
0:34:16 > 0:34:19sacred thing inside of you, whatever feelings, but what I noticed about you...
0:34:19 > 0:34:20Again, I don't know if this is accurate or not.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23..is that you wear this sacred stuff
0:34:23 > 0:34:26so everybody can see it. But what you told
0:34:26 > 0:34:29me, at least, what I heard a second ago was that that's not what you're
0:34:29 > 0:34:32showing people. So that's something that keeps me kind of distant from
0:34:32 > 0:34:34you. Which may be my own head fucking trip.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Is it? Yeah, I want to know that.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38- Is that your head trip?- Which part?
0:34:38 > 0:34:40- All this you just said. - That capacity to...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42The capacity to judge me, motherfucker. That.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45To judge me when I'm telling you I'm putting my motherfucking heart
0:34:45 > 0:34:47out there. Is that your motherfucking head trip?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Is that what you do, sit there and judge me?
0:34:52 > 0:34:53- That's what I just did.- Right.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56- This is what you do, Brian. - Is that what you do in your life?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Cos that shit you just said was un-fucking-necessary.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- Was it untrue? - Yeah, it's untrue, bitch!
0:35:02 > 0:35:06- Let's do this. Hold on, hold on. - Did I call you a bitch?- Hold on,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09- hold on! Hold on. - Did I?- Hold on. Hold on.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Let's put this where it belongs, not where it can go.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14OK? And right now where it belongs...
0:35:14 > 0:35:15Look at me, Brian.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Look at me, Brian.
0:35:30 > 0:35:31Look at me.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35What's going on, Brian?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45HE SHRIEKS IN RAGE
0:35:58 > 0:36:00It's just like the fucking devil.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05It's in there, and, as long as you keep biting this down,
0:36:05 > 0:36:07it's not going anywhere.
0:36:07 > 0:36:08Don't bite it back down.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Don't bite it back down. You're right there.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12You're right there. Look back over the edge.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15Let's go back over the edge. Let's go back over the edge.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Now is the chance to see what you've got in there.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35Now's the chance to measure yourself to see where you're at.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38To see where you stack up against your own standards.
0:36:41 > 0:36:42We already know you can bite it down.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Can you let it out? Can you let it loose?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50I just want to fucking kill people when I feel disrespected.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52I just want to fucking kill.
0:36:53 > 0:36:54Yeah.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00My fucking brain starts to short-circuit.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04I... I hear you, Brian.
0:37:04 > 0:37:08You know what came up with me, Brian, that had that come out of me?
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Anger and betrayal.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Because what I was talking about just then was how I put my feelings
0:37:13 > 0:37:14out there.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18And then get it turned into something else,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21and for me what I experienced just then was just that, betrayal.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24HE CRIES
0:37:30 > 0:37:31It doesn't matter what I do here,
0:37:31 > 0:37:33I'm not going to get the respect that I want...
0:37:35 > 0:37:37..or that I think I deserve or some bullshit like that.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40I'm just not going to fucking get it.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43I'm just not.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56So what do we do? What do you want to have happen here?
0:37:56 > 0:38:00What will get you to a place where you think there's a possibility rather than you being so secure
0:38:00 > 0:38:04in knowing no matter what I do it's not going to work, it's going to be the same?
0:38:05 > 0:38:07I just don't know what to do with it.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11I hear you. That's good. So, are you open to suggestion
0:38:11 > 0:38:12of what it could look like?
0:38:12 > 0:38:15Are you willing to trust without thinking and then drawing away?
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Yeah, I instantly want to go to "Is it big enough?"
0:38:18 > 0:38:22Oh, I get all of what your mind says which is in the draw-away process.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24I'm asking you, are you willing
0:38:24 > 0:38:28to simply trust a process to step through the motions and not worry
0:38:28 > 0:38:31about whether it's going to work or not or what the "it" is?
0:38:31 > 0:38:32- Are you willing to do that?- Yes.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34OK.
0:38:34 > 0:38:39You guys stand up. If anybody's got any physical body issues, I want to
0:38:39 > 0:38:43know it, need to know it, because this is going to be physical work.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47And what I want you to do is I want you to know that we are all here
0:38:47 > 0:38:49hoping for things that you say can't happen.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10HE SCREAMS
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Get the fuck off of me!
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Get the fuck off of me, motherfuckers!
0:39:18 > 0:39:22- In you...- Get the fuck... - It's in you.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25- Motherfucker...- It's in you. - Get your fucking arms off me, you fucker...
0:39:25 > 0:39:29- Let it out.- Let it out.- Let it out. - Fucking shit!- Let it out.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34- Let it out, Brian.- Fucking shit! - Let it out.- Motherfucker.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38Goddamn it!
0:39:38 > 0:39:39Stay down. Stay down.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Motherfucking goddamn it!
0:39:45 > 0:39:48HE SCREAMS
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Let it out. Let it go.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Open your eyes. Open your eyes.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57You need to be able to see what's going on with you.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58Look at me, Brian.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- Yeah, who am I, Brian? Who am I? - My dad said I didn't have this.
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Yeah, that's right. Who am I?
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Look at me. Who am I? When you look at me, who am I?
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Do it. Do it, there you go.
0:40:14 > 0:40:18- Yeah. That's it. That's right. - Open your eyes. Give it a noise.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22Give it a noise.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26Cos everybody's getting this sideways.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33- Holler!- Everybody's getting this sideways, Brian.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36Girlfriends, friends, strangers...
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Let it out. Keep your eyes open.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41Keep your eyes open.
0:40:41 > 0:40:46- I'm fucking telling you, man, let me go.- All right. All right.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51- This is about letting energy go. That's all it's about.- Yeah?
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Giving yourself permission to let energy go.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- What are you feeling right now?- Like I've still got something to prove to you guys.
0:40:57 > 0:41:00- Yeah.- What do you still have to prove?
0:41:00 > 0:41:01- That's helping.- Did he do more?
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Cos I want to fucking do more.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05No.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Is that Dad's voice? This is not enough, you'll never have enough?
0:41:07 > 0:41:10Is that Dad's voice?
0:41:10 > 0:41:12- Keep your head up.- I don't know whose voice it is.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14- Now it's my voice. - It's not your voice.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17But is it familiar? Is it a voice that says you're self-judging?
0:41:17 > 0:41:20I would just close, shut down when he would...
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Sports, all that shit. Shut down.
0:41:22 > 0:41:23You didn't just make that shit up.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27That's a tool. You made that tool somewhere for a reason.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Let's go back to being not good enough for my dad,
0:41:29 > 0:41:32- not good enough at sports. - Yeah, that's where I'm standing now.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35- Postpone it.- I've got to prove more to you guys.- Exactly.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39Do you want to do one more? Do you want to do one more?
0:41:39 > 0:41:41Are you willing to go into the well and just bring something up?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44That's all we're doing here.
0:41:44 > 0:41:45This is just a start.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50There are not going to be any scorecards.
0:41:50 > 0:41:54I guess I can't go any harder than I did. I could just do it
0:41:54 > 0:41:57- again and again.- That's more and more.- That's the truth.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59Are you willing to try that? Do you want to do that?
0:41:59 > 0:42:01I don't need to, when I think of it that way.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04- OK.- You said you don't need to. - You're saying you don't need to.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07When you think about it like that, you don't need to.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10That's power, you're giving yourself power right there, dude.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13That's another way to look at it.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16You don't need to do it again and again.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19You don't need to prove anything...
0:42:21 > 0:42:23..to anybody. That's your power.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28So, Brian, these are steps. You've taken one. It doesn't get fixed here
0:42:28 > 0:42:30- like a light switch being flipped.- I know.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Get that.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47So I want to say something.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50This doesn't mean anything. It's actually stupid.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53But I'm moved to say it.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Um... When you go back out in the world and people go,
0:42:56 > 0:42:59"What happened to your head?", you can say, "Oh, I was in Folsom.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01"I was fighting in prison."
0:43:01 > 0:43:02LAUGHTER
0:43:02 > 0:43:08And that pretty much puts a cap on any concept of competing or competition.
0:43:08 > 0:43:13So you may want to keep that fresh up there.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17Tell them there was a bunch of dudes jumped me...
0:43:17 > 0:43:19- Seven of them.- ..and this is all they could do.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22- This is all they could do.- No, but seven... He fought seven convicts.
0:43:22 > 0:43:23I ain't never done that.
0:43:26 > 0:43:27I ain't never done that.
0:43:28 > 0:43:32Hey, Brian, bless your heart, man. Bless your heart.
0:43:32 > 0:43:33Can you take that in?
0:43:35 > 0:43:38- Looks like it's touching something. - Yeah.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43And you know what I do when I...
0:43:43 > 0:43:47You remind me sometimes of me a little bit, and getting in touch with that.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50I used to put my head down and then I learned to cry like a man,
0:43:50 > 0:43:51which was, like, up here.
0:43:52 > 0:43:54And with your chin up and just let it roll, brah.
0:43:54 > 0:43:58It's beautiful. It's beautiful, seeing you in a natural state.
0:43:58 > 0:44:01Yeah, yeah.
0:44:01 > 0:44:02I did not like you.
0:44:03 > 0:44:04I did not like you.
0:44:05 > 0:44:07I had the same disease you did.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09I had gangs and gangs with judgments.
0:44:11 > 0:44:13I changed my view on you.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16You are a lot like me.
0:44:18 > 0:44:20You think too much. You judge too much.
0:44:22 > 0:44:24But you're a pretty courageous dude.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28You didn't quit, and I seen you fight yourself so you wouldn't quit.
0:44:29 > 0:44:31And I connected with that.
0:44:32 > 0:44:33See?
0:45:43 > 0:45:45You know, we just started getting close. I'm doing good.
0:45:45 > 0:45:49I'm trying to change my ways and trying to quit gangbanging
0:45:49 > 0:45:52and everything to where...where he can... OK, well,
0:45:52 > 0:45:55my dad is in prison but he's a good dude, you know what I'm saying?
0:45:55 > 0:45:58- Right.- He's still trying to... You know what I'm saying? He even changed and everything.
0:45:58 > 0:46:02There's negative, negative things about his self, he knows it.
0:46:02 > 0:46:04You know what I'm saying?
0:46:05 > 0:46:08And be the best I can be for him, so he can say...
0:46:08 > 0:46:12- I'm half-ass proud of me, and stuff.- Right.- And she took him.
0:46:12 > 0:46:13She just don't come no more?
0:46:13 > 0:46:16Yeah, she won't bring him. You know, but she told me she will,
0:46:16 > 0:46:18- but it's just gangs and stuff.- Yeah.
0:46:25 > 0:46:27I'm tired of trying to see, man.
0:46:27 > 0:46:29There's not nothing I can do to make it work, man.
0:46:29 > 0:46:31- Yeah.- I tried.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33- Yeah.- Nothing I can do or say, man.
0:46:33 > 0:46:34Let me just see my son.
0:46:37 > 0:46:38Yeah.
0:46:41 > 0:46:45So I want you to hear this, man, that we all have these things
0:46:45 > 0:46:48that we have to create for ourselves to keep going from day to day,
0:46:48 > 0:46:51whether we're in here or we're out there. I have them too.
0:46:52 > 0:46:56And I had to find something, something to hold on to, you know?
0:46:56 > 0:46:59I've got to find something to hold on to, and if I've got to create it
0:46:59 > 0:47:01for myself, then I've got to create it for myself.
0:47:05 > 0:47:07I'm dealing with too much pressure from the system, man,
0:47:07 > 0:47:10and just being in jail and incarcerated.
0:47:13 > 0:47:17I mean, I can die, man, any day, man, and wouldn't nobody even know,
0:47:17 > 0:47:19wouldn't nobody even care,
0:47:19 > 0:47:23and they'll just bury me somewhere on this prison ground or something.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26This shit don't work, man.
0:47:26 > 0:47:27It's not working.
0:47:28 > 0:47:32It doesn't work, man. I'm ready to just quit this shit, man,
0:47:32 > 0:47:35and whatever happens, man, happens, man.
0:47:49 > 0:47:51I just want to sit next to you now, that's all.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54That's all. Just sit next to you.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59I'll just sit next to you.
0:48:01 > 0:48:03I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.
0:48:08 > 0:48:10I'm sorry, man.
0:48:13 > 0:48:17Not very often, someone will take me to a place I don't know where to go,
0:48:17 > 0:48:20and I'm sitting there right now,
0:48:20 > 0:48:22and I'm sorry.
0:48:31 > 0:48:33It's sad, man.
0:48:33 > 0:48:34I mean...
0:48:37 > 0:48:41Facing one of my fears by, you know, agreeing to do this,
0:48:41 > 0:48:42you know, and...
0:48:48 > 0:48:51I know why I fear this so much, it's fucked up in here.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54You know? Um...
0:48:55 > 0:48:57It's dark, it's scary, it's depressing.
0:48:59 > 0:49:00You know, and...
0:49:02 > 0:49:04All he wants to do is see his son, man.
0:49:04 > 0:49:06That's it.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08All he wants to do is see his baby boy.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10That hurts me.
0:49:10 > 0:49:11It hurts me a lot.
0:49:18 > 0:49:22I've never felt like I couldn't go on.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29This shit's breaking my heart, man, like for real, for real.
0:49:31 > 0:49:35And I pray to God, man, that you find some type of hope to live.
0:49:50 > 0:49:53Don't give up, man, please.
0:49:54 > 0:49:56I don't know you like that, but I feel you.
0:49:58 > 0:50:01Don't give up, man. Seriously, do not give up.
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Fight to live every single day, man, for real.
0:50:10 > 0:50:13Fight for your son, man.
0:50:13 > 0:50:17Nothing else. He's going to need you.
0:50:41 > 0:50:43I've got something I need to do.
0:50:50 > 0:50:51Stand up.
0:50:57 > 0:51:01That shit that you're talking about doing is bullshit...
0:51:04 > 0:51:05..and you know it.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10That's bullshit.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14That's the coward's way out that you're trying to take.
0:51:18 > 0:51:20Ain't no cowards where I'm from.
0:51:22 > 0:51:27What I need you to do is grow the fuck up and do what you've got to do
0:51:27 > 0:51:28for little Dante.
0:51:32 > 0:51:33Do you hear me?
0:51:45 > 0:51:46Do you hear me?
0:51:58 > 0:52:00Do you feel me?
0:52:01 > 0:52:03I feel you, man.
0:52:32 > 0:52:33Can I get that?
0:52:36 > 0:52:38Can I get that?
0:52:43 > 0:52:44Can I get that?
0:53:02 > 0:53:04- WHISPERS:- I need you to do that for me, please.
0:53:04 > 0:53:05I need you to do that for me.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10Give me some time. Give me a little bit of time.
0:53:15 > 0:53:18Can you give me some time so we can try to figure out a way to work something out?
0:53:20 > 0:53:21Can you give me that?
0:53:26 > 0:53:28- I don't know.- Give me three months.
0:53:30 > 0:53:32Give me three months.
0:53:32 > 0:53:36If we ain't came up with a solution in three months for something,
0:53:36 > 0:53:38then you can do whatever you want to do.
0:53:40 > 0:53:41Can I get 90 days?
0:53:44 > 0:53:46Thank you.
0:53:46 > 0:53:48Thank you.
0:54:01 > 0:54:0590 days. Give me 90 days and we'll figure something out, all right? All right.
0:54:06 > 0:54:09Clean yourself up. People are looking.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22SCREAMING FROM ACROSS ROOM
0:54:27 > 0:54:29I'm good, man. Let's...let's move on.
0:54:29 > 0:54:31Let's move on.
0:54:36 > 0:54:41Let's pull together right now. Stand up. Get together before something fucking weird happens right now.
0:54:41 > 0:54:44We've got to get together. We've got to be so close, we can't even have
0:54:44 > 0:54:46the space to have anything fuck it up right now.
0:54:46 > 0:54:49Just feel what happened. Just feel what happened.
0:54:52 > 0:54:53Just feel what happened.
0:54:57 > 0:54:59CRYING
0:55:06 > 0:55:07Oh, God...
0:55:15 > 0:55:18I'm tired of motherfuckers getting hurt.
0:55:19 > 0:55:22I'm tired of us getting on the fucking edge and giving up.
0:55:26 > 0:55:28So let's remember Don, he talked about the intent,
0:55:28 > 0:55:31right there next to the wound, right there next to the pain.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34When we go deep and we go down to the bottom,
0:55:34 > 0:55:38right there next to where we hurt the most is where our medicine is at.
0:55:40 > 0:55:43Let's remember that. Stretched, like you said, Rick, stretched.
0:55:45 > 0:55:49We've got to get stretched to be able to come back with them shiny coins.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53Somebody's got to have some shiny coins.
0:55:53 > 0:55:55The coins have all got blood on them.
0:55:55 > 0:55:57Yeah. They're still gold.
0:56:01 > 0:56:02I'm tired of the blood.
0:56:03 > 0:56:05So let's wipe them off.
0:56:08 > 0:56:09Tired of the blood.
0:56:13 > 0:56:16I'm fucking tired of the people I love giving up!
0:56:18 > 0:56:19Don't!
0:56:22 > 0:56:24Dammit, what are we doing?
0:56:27 > 0:56:29When do I give up?
0:56:29 > 0:56:31- That's right.- When do I give up?
0:56:31 > 0:56:32That's right.
0:56:36 > 0:56:38Why can't we be enough to hang on to?
0:57:04 > 0:57:06OK, so here's what we're going to do.
0:57:06 > 0:57:11Erm, you're going to have your guides help you build a little fort,
0:57:11 > 0:57:12a little place of security.
0:57:12 > 0:57:14We've got some mattresses.
0:57:14 > 0:57:17We've got blankets. And your guides have done this, so they'll...
0:57:17 > 0:57:19They know how to do it.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22But find a spot where you feel safe...
0:57:23 > 0:57:27..and then build yourself a little cave,
0:57:27 > 0:57:28a little fort.
0:57:30 > 0:57:35Have your guides guard you and remember that they're awake for you
0:57:35 > 0:57:36so that nobody will bother you.
0:57:39 > 0:57:41So we're going to begin to lower the lights.
0:57:48 > 0:57:49I want you to follow my voice.
0:57:52 > 0:57:54And I want you to follow my instructions.
0:57:56 > 0:58:01I want you to imagine you're floating above your own body.
0:58:03 > 0:58:04I want you to imagine...
0:58:05 > 0:58:07..floating higher and higher.
0:58:09 > 0:58:11As you float...
0:58:12 > 0:58:13..right through...
0:58:14 > 0:58:15..the roof of this building.
0:58:17 > 0:58:18Nothing can harm you.
0:58:20 > 0:58:21Nothing can touch you.
0:58:23 > 0:58:27As you move further and higher and further away from this place...
0:58:29 > 0:58:31..until there is no place.
0:58:33 > 0:58:36And then off in the distance, you see something.
0:58:36 > 0:58:38It's a little dot at first, a small something.
0:58:40 > 0:58:43But you look up and you're looking into the face of a child.
0:58:46 > 0:58:50You're looking into the face of you when you were a boy.
0:58:51 > 0:58:55And you're asking, "What is the deepest need?"
0:58:55 > 0:58:57What's the thing you needed?
0:58:57 > 0:59:00What is it, the thing that would have kept you safe...
0:59:01 > 0:59:04..made you grow up whole, balanced, healthy?
0:59:06 > 0:59:08And he reaches up and he grabs your ear with one little hand and he
0:59:08 > 0:59:11pulls it down and he whispers in your ear...
0:59:13 > 0:59:15..that deepest need,
0:59:15 > 0:59:17that thing that he would have needed...
0:59:18 > 0:59:22..to grow in the direction that you would have wanted him to grow in.
0:59:24 > 0:59:26And when you're ready...
0:59:28 > 0:59:31..I want you to write down your little boy's deepest need.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47Thanks.
1:00:09 > 1:00:11CRYING
1:00:26 > 1:00:27I didn't expect it.
1:01:08 > 1:01:14Someone put out an invitation for the men who just took this journey
1:01:14 > 1:01:17to share about their experience, share what they have in their journal.
1:01:20 > 1:01:24Laying in the fort with my boys on the side of me...
1:01:25 > 1:01:26..I still felt vulnerable.
1:01:27 > 1:01:31Not physically, but emotionally I felt vulnerable.
1:01:34 > 1:01:38Then when the drums started going and you started talking and I left,
1:01:38 > 1:01:41I was gone, you know. I forgot I was even here.
1:01:41 > 1:01:44And I saw, you know, little seven-year-old Charles,
1:01:44 > 1:01:47Jackson 5 afro, you know what I mean?
1:01:47 > 1:01:48You know.
1:01:50 > 1:01:51Do you know what I'm saying?
1:01:55 > 1:01:56I brought back...
1:01:57 > 1:02:00..to be able to be a kid and not move from place to place.
1:02:01 > 1:02:03To have a real father.
1:02:04 > 1:02:06To not have to grow up so fast and take care of everything and
1:02:06 > 1:02:10everybody and to be an actual family.
1:02:12 > 1:02:14I'm out.
1:02:14 > 1:02:16- Thank you.- Thank you.- Thank you.
1:02:16 > 1:02:17Phew, that was deep.
1:02:18 > 1:02:24Something that I've done for a long time is to rub the back of my thumb
1:02:24 > 1:02:28and I probably started it when I was, like, seven maybe
1:02:28 > 1:02:30and it used to bug the shit out of my dad.
1:02:33 > 1:02:35But I think it just reminds me...
1:02:36 > 1:02:37..of the softness.
1:02:42 > 1:02:43Anyway, the little boy...
1:02:45 > 1:02:48His deepest need is to not be told what to do.
1:02:48 > 1:02:50- Thank you.- Bless you, Brian.
1:02:51 > 1:02:52I guess I'll go next.
1:02:52 > 1:02:56I've been kind of emotionally detached from this whole thing and I
1:02:56 > 1:03:01didn't really think or give it the credit that it would get me at all.
1:03:01 > 1:03:05And I'll be honest, we got in there and that music started and I was like,
1:03:05 > 1:03:07"What is this hokey shit?
1:03:07 > 1:03:10"This is like space music." And I was like... And I didn't...
1:03:13 > 1:03:16I know that sounds harsh but that's what I do.
1:03:16 > 1:03:17I'm always framing it.
1:03:18 > 1:03:22I frame my experiences so that I can laugh about them later
1:03:22 > 1:03:25and I went with it,
1:03:25 > 1:03:29which I don't normally do, and I haven't cried in, like...
1:03:30 > 1:03:31..I don't know how long.
1:03:33 > 1:03:34It felt good.
1:03:36 > 1:03:40And basically all I brought back was an image of myself when I was happy.
1:03:42 > 1:03:45And I've got a little red hoodie on,
1:03:45 > 1:03:46a little metal zipper and...
1:03:49 > 1:03:51Yeah, I think I'm in with that,
1:03:51 > 1:03:53because I was out for the whole other time.
1:03:53 > 1:03:55LAUGHTER
1:03:56 > 1:03:59Nice to see you showed up, man.
1:03:59 > 1:04:02Good to see you. I'm clocking in, only a little tardy.
1:04:08 > 1:04:10- Thank you.- Thank you, guys.
1:04:13 > 1:04:15There was a few times today that...
1:04:17 > 1:04:19..emotions really tugged at me
1:04:19 > 1:04:23and something kept telling me, man, jump in there, jump in the fire,
1:04:23 > 1:04:25jump in the fire.
1:04:27 > 1:04:31And every time I get to that place, I run, you know?
1:04:32 > 1:04:33I pack up and I leave.
1:04:35 > 1:04:37But I'm checking out with a...
1:04:39 > 1:04:43..little bit of joy, though, because I feel I have gotten a lot closer to Chris.
1:04:44 > 1:04:46So I'm checking out with that. I'm out.
1:05:57 > 1:05:58I hate this shit.
1:06:00 > 1:06:02I want to beat the shit out of somebody, man.
1:06:06 > 1:06:08And I've done that too many times.
1:06:08 > 1:06:10Yeah.
1:06:10 > 1:06:14When my mom and dad got split up, I lived with my mom,
1:06:14 > 1:06:17because my dad was alone and I felt like he needed one of his sons to be
1:06:17 > 1:06:20with him. I told my mom that I wanted to live with my dad,
1:06:20 > 1:06:23and she didn't want me to, she kept telling me what kind of a scumbag he
1:06:23 > 1:06:26is and he's all these bad things.
1:06:27 > 1:06:31And I didn't believe her. I said, "No, he's not all that, you're lying."
1:06:31 > 1:06:34But every time he fell I picked him up.
1:06:34 > 1:06:36Every time he needed something, I was there.
1:06:39 > 1:06:41Whenever he needed his son, I was there.
1:06:43 > 1:06:45I feel like it was all just a fucking scam because everything he
1:06:45 > 1:06:47fucking taught me has got me here!
1:06:50 > 1:06:53I didn't know how much my mom needed me, I didn't even think about that!
1:06:53 > 1:06:54Yeah.
1:07:02 > 1:07:03That's right.
1:07:05 > 1:07:06That's right.
1:07:10 > 1:07:13I don't know why I betrayed her!
1:07:13 > 1:07:15HE CRIES
1:07:19 > 1:07:23We're all going to go home, we're all going to go home.
1:07:23 > 1:07:25I just fucking hurt people, man.
1:07:25 > 1:07:27I know, I know.
1:07:30 > 1:07:33- I don't want to hurt anybody no more.- No, no, no.
1:07:33 > 1:07:35You're done.
1:07:35 > 1:07:37I don't want to hurt anybody no more.
1:07:37 > 1:07:38You're done.
1:07:50 > 1:07:52- I'm here for you. - We're here already.
1:07:52 > 1:07:54We're already here, let's keep doing it.
1:07:54 > 1:07:56We're already here.
1:07:57 > 1:08:02- We're already here.- We have stood by you, pal, come on. You stood by me.
1:08:02 > 1:08:03Let your pain out.
1:08:04 > 1:08:06We're already there, pal, just let it go.
1:08:06 > 1:08:08We're already there.
1:08:10 > 1:08:11I know how it feels.
1:08:22 > 1:08:23Just stand up.
1:08:27 > 1:08:29Come on, don't do it, man.
1:08:29 > 1:08:31Don't do it.
1:08:42 > 1:08:43He's gone.
1:08:45 > 1:08:46He's gone.
1:08:48 > 1:08:49He's gone.
1:08:58 > 1:09:01CHANTING
1:10:23 > 1:10:25Um...
1:10:26 > 1:10:28The betrayal that I...
1:10:28 > 1:10:31..I'm hesitant to share...
1:10:32 > 1:10:34YELLING FROM ACROSS ROOM
1:10:34 > 1:10:35..for whatever reason...
1:10:37 > 1:10:39..comes from my dad.
1:10:41 > 1:10:45And it feels to me so much smaller than a lot of the things that have
1:10:45 > 1:10:47happened to many other people,
1:10:47 > 1:10:50so I also get frustrated even that I feel it at all.
1:10:52 > 1:10:53But I will keep it short.
1:10:55 > 1:11:00I have a very clean memory, a very vivid memory of...
1:11:00 > 1:11:02My dad used to work on cars a lot,
1:11:02 > 1:11:04and he used to spend a lot of time in the garage.
1:11:04 > 1:11:08And I know at one point I tried to help him.
1:11:11 > 1:11:12It was probably something small,
1:11:12 > 1:11:17and I think I went out there and he needed a particular tool,
1:11:17 > 1:11:21and I couldn't find it, I couldn't see it, I didn't know what it was,
1:11:21 > 1:11:24and he tried to describe it to me, and I couldn't find it, and I...
1:11:27 > 1:11:30And I brought it back to him, what I thought it was, and he said,
1:11:30 > 1:11:32"That's not it." And I kept going back and forth, finally he said,
1:11:32 > 1:11:36"I'll do it myself." And he went and he grabbed it and he said, "Just go back inside.
1:11:37 > 1:11:38"Go back with your mom."
1:11:40 > 1:11:44He did that a lot when I was growing up, he always wanted...
1:11:44 > 1:11:46I always tried to make the effort and I got kind of shut down.
1:11:46 > 1:11:50And I haven't yet figured out why,
1:11:50 > 1:11:51but it really bothers me.
1:11:58 > 1:11:59Well, if you did know why...
1:12:01 > 1:12:04..what would the reason be that it would bother you?
1:12:04 > 1:12:07I don't know, I just wanted to be out there with him.
1:12:09 > 1:12:11And he wouldn't let me.
1:12:23 > 1:12:25I feel really dumb.
1:12:34 > 1:12:36You're doing good, you're doing real good.
1:12:38 > 1:12:40He didn't mean to hurt me, though.
1:12:40 > 1:12:41I'm not mad at him.
1:12:43 > 1:12:45I feel bad telling this story.
1:12:45 > 1:12:48Have you ever had the chance to tell your dad
1:12:48 > 1:12:49how much that hurt you?
1:12:54 > 1:12:56No.
1:12:56 > 1:12:59Is that something that you'd be willing to do?
1:12:59 > 1:13:01- Tell him?- Yeah.
1:13:03 > 1:13:04Yeah, I think so.
1:13:06 > 1:13:09I'd like to tell him that someday.
1:13:09 > 1:13:12Well, I mean, we can create the space for you to do it today.
1:13:14 > 1:13:17If there was somebody in the circle here
1:13:17 > 1:13:21that can hold the energy of your father,
1:13:21 > 1:13:25somebody in here that you see that holds qualities and energy
1:13:25 > 1:13:27like your father does.
1:13:34 > 1:13:36- Can I tell you?- Yeah.
1:13:37 > 1:13:41- I...- So, where do you want me?
1:13:41 > 1:13:42That's fine right there.
1:13:47 > 1:13:48I just want to help you.
1:13:54 > 1:13:58We can work on the car together.
1:13:58 > 1:14:00And you can teach me some things.
1:14:08 > 1:14:09What was the message you got?
1:14:09 > 1:14:13- What's the story?- You said, "I'll do it by myself, go back in the house."
1:14:13 > 1:14:14What's the message you got?
1:14:14 > 1:14:15That I...
1:14:19 > 1:14:21I wasn't going to be the man he wanted me to be.
1:14:21 > 1:14:25Right, and so you've been carrying that for a while, right?
1:14:25 > 1:14:27- Right?- Yeah.- Yeah.
1:14:27 > 1:14:29And how has that played out in your life?
1:14:34 > 1:14:38- I haven't known how to beat it, really.- So what does that look like?
1:14:42 > 1:14:45How have you carried that in your life?
1:14:45 > 1:14:46Through your jobs?
1:14:46 > 1:14:48Your relationships?
1:14:51 > 1:14:53I can't come in to any of it.
1:14:56 > 1:14:57It just scares me, I don't know why.
1:14:57 > 1:14:59I don't know what I'm doing here.
1:14:59 > 1:15:01- Then, that's good. - You know, why I'm crying.
1:15:01 > 1:15:03That's perfect, that's perfect.
1:15:04 > 1:15:07That's perfect. You're doing perfect.
1:15:07 > 1:15:10And it starts here. You've already started your work. Stand up.
1:15:14 > 1:15:16This is what happens. You've got to deal with your father.
1:15:16 > 1:15:19You signed a contract the moment you walked in that house.
1:15:20 > 1:15:22That last time you walked in the house,
1:15:22 > 1:15:25you cut a contract with your father to feel as though you are the guy
1:15:25 > 1:15:27that cannot get the job done.
1:15:27 > 1:15:29And it's haunted it. You've used it.
1:15:29 > 1:15:33You've fulfilled the contract that's haunted you throughout your life.
1:15:35 > 1:15:39And your whole body tells me that's true right now.
1:15:39 > 1:15:42- All right?- I know that truth hurts.
1:15:44 > 1:15:46So here's what you're going to do.
1:15:46 > 1:15:50Each one of these men identifies something, some sort of a block.
1:15:50 > 1:15:54Your job is to get through this.
1:15:54 > 1:15:56- Are you tracking with that?- Yeah.
1:15:56 > 1:15:59Turn around, turn around and face him now.
1:15:59 > 1:16:01Look at me.
1:16:01 > 1:16:03Now, stand up. Fucking stand up.
1:16:04 > 1:16:06There, you're taller than me right now.
1:16:06 > 1:16:10- Do you get that? - You're stronger, you're stronger.
1:16:10 > 1:16:11Look at...
1:16:12 > 1:16:13Stand up.
1:16:15 > 1:16:17Stand up.
1:16:17 > 1:16:18And hurt.
1:16:18 > 1:16:22Know that it's OK to hurt, know that it's just fine.
1:16:22 > 1:16:25You've got some bad dudes that got your back.
1:16:25 > 1:16:28And even though you've got us at your back, turn around and face
1:16:28 > 1:16:31these things in your life and see what it's cost you.
1:16:31 > 1:16:33What's it cost you when you're down here?
1:16:33 > 1:16:35What's it cost you?
1:16:35 > 1:16:37Yeah. Yeah.
1:16:39 > 1:16:43It is, just now, the whole first day, I couldn't feel anything.
1:16:43 > 1:16:45I couldn't commit to anything.
1:16:45 > 1:16:49So, this man's going to point you towards what that represents,
1:16:49 > 1:16:51that you can't feel.
1:16:52 > 1:16:54Yes.
1:16:54 > 1:16:57Walk up to the arm. Put your chest on the arm.
1:16:57 > 1:17:00Put your chest on the arm and look at what it's cost you.
1:17:00 > 1:17:02Go back in the house with your mother.
1:17:03 > 1:17:07- With some intention.- Stand up straight, stand up straight. - Go back in the house...
1:17:07 > 1:17:09Stand up straight.
1:17:09 > 1:17:10..with your mother!
1:17:10 > 1:17:13- Stand up straight. - I don't need you out here.
1:17:13 > 1:17:16- This is not using your chest, son. - Don't look at me like that.
1:17:16 > 1:17:18You know what you need, you can take care of yourself.
1:17:18 > 1:17:21- Go back in the house with your mother.- Don't listen to that shit.
1:17:21 > 1:17:23- Don't listen to that. - I said, go back...
1:17:23 > 1:17:25Open your mouth and start teaching this guy.
1:17:25 > 1:17:26I don't need you out here.
1:17:26 > 1:17:30Open your mouth and start teaching!
1:17:30 > 1:17:32- I don't know how to work this. - Yeah, that's the problem.
1:17:32 > 1:17:35You're going to have to make... What would it look like working?
1:17:35 > 1:17:38What would it look like to have some intention about getting past these arms?
1:17:38 > 1:17:43- Stand up to this guy.- Let him just go back in the house with his mother.
1:17:43 > 1:17:45Take some steps back.
1:17:45 > 1:17:47- Just take some steps back. - Don't step back!
1:17:47 > 1:17:48Don't step back!
1:17:48 > 1:17:51- Step back some more. - Don't step back!
1:17:51 > 1:17:53That's it, that's it!
1:17:53 > 1:17:55I got your back!
1:17:55 > 1:17:57Keep it coming, I got your back.
1:17:57 > 1:18:01- Tell him, Chris! - Go back in the house.
1:18:01 > 1:18:03Go back!
1:18:06 > 1:18:09Hey, Chris, you go for it!
1:18:09 > 1:18:11Stay focused with this.
1:18:11 > 1:18:13- You go.- Keep your eyes on this!
1:18:13 > 1:18:16Keep pushing, Chris!
1:18:17 > 1:18:19Stand up. Stand up.
1:18:19 > 1:18:21- Right there.- Tell him.
1:18:21 > 1:18:23- Tell him!- Tell him, right now.
1:18:23 > 1:18:25One voice, one voice!
1:18:25 > 1:18:27Quiet!
1:18:27 > 1:18:28One voice.
1:18:29 > 1:18:31I'm good enough.
1:18:33 > 1:18:35You better fucking believe you're good enough.
1:18:35 > 1:18:38- I'm good enough!- That's it.
1:18:38 > 1:18:40- That's right, man.- I am good enough.
1:18:40 > 1:18:42Yes, goddamn right!
1:18:42 > 1:18:44I believe you now.
1:18:45 > 1:18:46What about later?
1:18:49 > 1:18:50It's not up to you.
1:18:50 > 1:18:52That's right. That's right, man.
1:18:52 > 1:18:57- Damn right.- OK. Ha-ha! I got it, my brother.
1:18:57 > 1:18:59- Stand on your own, Chris.- Thank you.
1:19:05 > 1:19:08I've been waiting on you. Oh, I've been waiting on you.
1:19:08 > 1:19:09Glad to see you.
1:19:10 > 1:19:12You did good, thank you.
1:19:14 > 1:19:16I mean that.
1:19:35 > 1:19:37I'm checking out.
1:19:37 > 1:19:41I used to have a '67 Shovelhead that would get to 147mph
1:19:41 > 1:19:43before it would try to bump me off.
1:19:44 > 1:19:46Every time I'd push it right up to that motherfucking edge,
1:19:46 > 1:19:49and it starts shaking and rattling,
1:19:49 > 1:19:50and I'd bring it back down.
1:19:52 > 1:19:55I'd throw the kickstand down and say, "WHOO!"
1:19:58 > 1:19:59That's how I felt today.
1:20:02 > 1:20:04I love God.
1:20:04 > 1:20:06I love life.
1:20:06 > 1:20:08And I love adrenaline edges.
1:20:11 > 1:20:14And in this place, it's hard to get to that fucking edge for me...
1:20:16 > 1:20:17..without it being a bad thing.
1:20:21 > 1:20:23So, when days like today's happens...
1:20:25 > 1:20:27..and I get pulled as far apart as I can be pulled...
1:20:30 > 1:20:31..I'm alive.
1:20:32 > 1:20:34I'm alive and I'm fucking grateful.
1:20:36 > 1:20:37I'm out.
1:20:55 > 1:20:58I feel good, man. I feel blessed.
1:20:58 > 1:21:01Know what I'm saying? I felt I got some more strength, man.
1:21:01 > 1:21:05Hell, no. That's it, I'm out. Thank you.
1:21:11 > 1:21:12Dark Cloud.
1:21:12 > 1:21:16Spirit name is Blackbird, sometimes with White Owl.
1:21:16 > 1:21:18I walked in that store, you know,
1:21:18 > 1:21:21not really grasped the entirety of it.
1:21:23 > 1:21:25It hurts. It feels good.
1:21:27 > 1:21:29I'm ready for another round.
1:21:31 > 1:21:32I'm out with that.
1:21:36 > 1:21:41Hi, I'm Chris, checking out with a sense of satisfaction...
1:21:43 > 1:21:45..that's new to me.
1:21:46 > 1:21:48I'm not normally comfortable with new things,
1:21:48 > 1:21:51but this one seems to be a good fit.
1:21:51 > 1:21:55And I think I've said all I need to say.
1:21:55 > 1:21:56I'm checking out.
1:22:06 > 1:22:07Whoo!
1:22:10 > 1:22:16You know, I've often wondered why I was put here on the planet and,
1:22:16 > 1:22:19for me, it's become real clear it's about the fatherless sons.
1:22:22 > 1:22:24I was a fatherless son.
1:22:24 > 1:22:25My father was a fatherless son.
1:22:25 > 1:22:28My grandfather was a fatherless son.
1:22:28 > 1:22:31And my son, for a long time in his life, was a fatherless son.
1:22:34 > 1:22:37I don't have a right to tell another man what to do with his life.
1:22:37 > 1:22:41But I can tell another man what the consequences may be
1:22:41 > 1:22:43for one fatherless son.
1:22:46 > 1:22:50And so, right now, I have some sadness and some joy.
1:22:50 > 1:22:53I'm sad because of the fatherless sons.
1:22:53 > 1:22:56And I have some joy because things like this happen and circles
1:22:56 > 1:22:58like this, in other places, happen.
1:22:59 > 1:23:01So, then, if one father...
1:23:04 > 1:23:06..can go through what he needs to go through to be there for his son,
1:23:06 > 1:23:09then all of this shit is worth it.
1:23:09 > 1:23:10All of it.
1:23:14 > 1:23:16I've seen what this work can do.
1:23:16 > 1:23:19I've seen it. I've felt it, I've experienced it.
1:23:20 > 1:23:22It's The Work, y'all.
1:23:23 > 1:23:24It's The Work.