0:00:00 > 0:00:01EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE
0:00:08 > 0:00:10SHELL WHISTLES
0:00:10 > 0:00:12EXPLOSION
0:00:15 > 0:00:16OK.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20That will do.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26All right, so I was out in the local town of Le Havre last night
0:00:26 > 0:00:28with the lads.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I had a great time, I was the only officer there,
0:00:31 > 0:00:33representing His Majesty's Army.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38You know, we went to a bar or two, had a few drinks,
0:00:38 > 0:00:39and by a fewI mean loads.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41GIGGLES
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Honestly, it was incredible, it was such good fun,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46we were all getting onwith each other and mingling with the locals
0:00:46 > 0:00:47and they seemed to enjoy it too.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Um...plenty ofle skirt around.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Which excited some of the boys.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I was actually chatting with a girl called Frambois.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Not Frambois, that's a jam.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Francoise, I think it was. At the bar.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06And it was goingswimmingly, but then my pal Victor came across
0:01:06 > 0:01:08and I think things hadn't gone as well for them,
0:01:08 > 0:01:09so he was a bit annoyed
0:01:09 > 0:01:11and he suggested we go to the local knocking shop.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13La Maison Toleree, as he put it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I said, "Victor,why would I bother doing that?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19"Why would I pay for it when I've got it for free? Clearly."
0:01:19 > 0:01:21But he didn't seem to see my point of view
0:01:21 > 0:01:24and some of the other lads as well were a bit put off
0:01:24 > 0:01:26because things hadn't been going as well forthem as they had for me.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29So I agreed to go along. They were all nice,particularly Victor.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Private Victor Daniels is his name.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Private Victor Daniels from t'up North.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36He talks like that, you know, "All right, Eddie, you dick?"
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I'm like, "All right, Victor, drop and give me 20.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42"Who's the dick now?"
0:01:42 > 0:01:46It was just your classic bit of, you know... We're friends.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49So anyway, to the knocking shop we did head.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Although usually, of course, an officer like myself would go to
0:01:54 > 0:01:58one of theblue lamp houses, you know, where it's all champagne
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and condoms and so on, very classy affairs.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04But anyway, the privates, they go down to the red light houses.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And I like to show I'm one of the lads,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08so I sort of joined in and went with the privates
0:02:09 > 0:02:10down to the red light house and said,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13"Red light, blue light, don't really care
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"as long as it's a green light for my little fellow."
0:02:15 > 0:02:16LAUGHS
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It didn't get that big a laugh.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I... I... I don't think they heard it very clearly, but, erm...
0:02:21 > 0:02:23You know, they probably looked at me and thought,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27"An officer visiting these parts? He must be an absolute legend...
0:02:29 > 0:02:30"..or absolutely lashed!"
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I'm like, "Er, I'm both. Send me to the front line.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34"Er, already there."
0:02:34 > 0:02:39Well, you know, not already there, but close enough to shit myself.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Anyway, we made off to this house and as we approached the porch,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46there was an old lady sat at the door.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49It turns out her jobwas to inspect your pecker
0:02:49 > 0:02:52before you go in to check for sexually transmitted diseases
0:02:52 > 0:02:54or whatever,VD, all that sort of stuff.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Cos apparently what's been happening is lots of soldiers have been
0:02:57 > 0:02:59deliberately contracting diseases
0:02:59 > 0:03:02because it gets you 30 days out of the trenches.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It could just be guff, but I think there could be something to it,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09so obviously this womaninvites one of us up
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and John puts his hand up, our friend, another guy from Wigan.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And he was the most excited about the whole thing.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20And he goes up and takes his trousers down, she has a little fondle,
0:03:20 > 0:03:24but when she's doing it, the poor bugger got a full-on stiffy.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26GUFFAWS Right in front of her!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Honestly, allof us, we just, "Lads, lads,"
0:03:30 > 0:03:32it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Um, you know, on a serious note,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37there is nothing better for group morale
0:03:37 > 0:03:41than laughing at each other's inabilityto hide erections.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46So anyway, we went into the house and the place was chock-a-block.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50The melting pot of the Allied forces' greatest men, I would say.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52From all over the world, really.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56France, Australia, England, Canada...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58The Canadians are the besttippers.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Or at least they are the most guilty in that situation,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03depending on how you look at it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06But, yes, we swan over... we swanned on over to the bar
0:04:06 > 0:04:11and I actually bumped into Sergeant Dormer. He said...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Sergeant Dormer is the bane of my life. 30 going on about55.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16He thinks he's better than all of us.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19He came over and said, "Listen, boys, this place is for men
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"who miss their wives, not young scoundrels like yourselves."
0:04:22 > 0:04:24We saw straight through what he was trying to do,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27trying to hog all the skirt for himself. Classic Dormer.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30So we sort of left and went and sat on the corner.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I mean, if you ask most senior officers, they say it's fine,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36just don't let your mother find out.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40"The... The British Army needs its men in the peak of physical fitness.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44"The best way to do that is a good bit of shagging."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Unless, of course, you contact gonorrhoea.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52But anyway, it's tough out here, you know.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53There's not really much to do
0:04:53 > 0:04:55other than just sort of sit around and wait.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Listening to the Fritz shout over the top of the...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00You can hear them talk to each other
0:05:00 > 0:05:02when the wind's blowing the right way.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You know, "Could you speak in English, please?"
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Because we can't understand them.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08They wouldn't have heard that
0:05:08 > 0:05:10because the wind is going in the wrong direction.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It's funny to think that just over there, you know,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16there are men that are wanting to turn us into landowners.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19No-one wants to die a virgin.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Not that I'm a virgin, by the way.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Far from it. In fact...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28# We all volunteered
0:05:28 > 0:05:30# And we wrote down our names
0:05:30 > 0:05:35# And we added two years to our ages
0:05:38 > 0:05:40# Eager for life
0:05:40 > 0:05:43# And ahead of the game
0:05:43 > 0:05:47# Ready for history's pages
0:05:49 > 0:05:51# And we brawled and we fought
0:05:51 > 0:05:55# And we whored till we stood
0:05:55 > 0:05:59# 10,000 shoulder to shoulder... #
0:06:01 > 0:06:03HE COUGHS
0:06:03 > 0:06:06So the way it usually works is that there are various girls at the bar.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10And what you do is you go up to the Madame and give her a franc of two
0:06:10 > 0:06:12and then you go and talk to one of the girls
0:06:12 > 0:06:14and maybe take them upstairs
0:06:14 > 0:06:16and maybe give another couple of francs.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20And I still act like a gentleman, even in that environment.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I sort of introduce myself and say, "How are you doing?"
0:06:24 > 0:06:28And they often reply, "I'm sorry, I don't speak English."
0:06:28 > 0:06:31And I say, "You just did, I just caught you."
0:06:31 > 0:06:34But then they genuinely don't speak much more English than that
0:06:34 > 0:06:36and so that joke gets lost in translation.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Anyway, I was encouraged by some friends to go and see Catherine.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Um...she's the one for me, apparently.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47So basically, Victor takes me upstairs
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and he insiststhat I go in and see this girl.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I thought to myself, "OK, I'm up for this. For King and country."
0:06:53 > 0:06:55So I followed him upstairs
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and we ended up going through this sort of velvet curtain thing.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01He waited outside, I went through. And there was Catherine.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Suffice to say, she's about 55 or so.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Um...
0:07:06 > 0:07:10And I mean, you know, I-I-I appreciate the maturer woman,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14but my cut-off would probably be around 46, 46 and a half,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17depending on how much fromage they've consumed during their life.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Let's just say that Catherine had consumed rather a lot
0:07:20 > 0:07:21by the looks of things.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23So, of course, she sort of...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I think she noticed that I was a little bit put out and she asked,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28she said, "Est-ce que tu es timide?"
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Which in French means "Are you scared?"
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Or "Are you... Are you nervous?"
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Depending on the translation.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37And I said, "No, ma'am, essentially I'm an officerof the British Army
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"and I'm here to make sure my boys are behaving themselves."
0:07:39 > 0:07:44Er, failing there!I could hear all the lads up the back wetting...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46well, Victor on his own, but wetting himself at that.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48He thought that was hilarious.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52So I let this old woman sort of climb on top of me.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56But there was something about her face, I recognised something,
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and I couldn't quite put my finger on it, so I closed my eyes
0:07:58 > 0:08:00and thought of King and country.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"For King and country, for King and country.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03"For the lads."
0:08:05 > 0:08:07But then when I opened them again and she was close,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I realised she was the spitting image of King George V.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I was paying money to have sex with the sodding King.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18At least that's how it felt, so I sort of, you know,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I lifted her heft and sort of threw her onto the bed
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and threw my money and scuttled out.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28All the lads were sort of, "What happened? What happened?"
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I started saying, "An officer does not speak about
0:08:31 > 0:08:32"what happened behind the curtain."
0:08:34 > 0:08:37But then Jack from Wigan, part of our gang, shouts out,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39"Still a virgin, are you?"
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Which is factually incorrect, I don't know where he's got this from.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43It got a big laugh as well, it always does,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45it's the most frustrating thing.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49I took out a picture of Emily from back hometo prove him wrong.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Dear Emily.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54HE SIGHS
0:08:58 > 0:09:00# A thirst for the Hun
0:09:00 > 0:09:02# We were food for the gun
0:09:02 > 0:09:07# And that's what you are when you're soldiers... #
0:09:44 > 0:09:47GUNFIRE
0:09:48 > 0:09:50SHELL WHISTLES
0:09:52 > 0:09:54EXPLOSION
0:09:54 > 0:09:55PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD
0:09:56 > 0:09:57GUNFIRE
0:10:01 > 0:10:03MILITARY DRUMS