0:00:02 > 0:00:06Hello, I'm Aled, welcome to the show.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08This evening I want to talk about
0:00:08 > 0:00:11your mental wellbeing, as a teenager.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14We're all going through something as we grow up
0:00:14 > 0:00:17and we all cope with it in different ways.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Give me a call to share your problems and let me know
0:00:20 > 0:00:21how you coped with it,
0:00:21 > 0:00:25and I can guarantee that whatever issues you've been through,
0:00:25 > 0:00:27you'll be helping a lot of people
0:00:27 > 0:00:29who may be listening to this right now.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Ok let's go to the phone lines now,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- and on line one, hello, what's your name?- Hi, my name's Lizzie.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Hello Lizzie, what's your story then?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Erm, I was just calling in
0:00:46 > 0:00:49erm, to talk about how I've had anorexia.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Do you know why it started or why you felt the need
0:00:53 > 0:00:54to control your food?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I was about 13 when I started suffering.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I'd just broken my leg
0:01:02 > 0:01:04and I'd gradually put on quite a bit of weight
0:01:04 > 0:01:07and then when I went back to school I kind of,
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I encountered quite a lot of bullying.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And it meant that I didn't really have many friends
0:01:12 > 0:01:14and I felt really isolated.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Erm, and so I moved schools but then I still didn't really fit in.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19I couldn't control friends
0:01:19 > 0:01:22and I couldn't control what they said about me
0:01:22 > 0:01:24or what they thought about me
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and controlling what I was eating
0:01:26 > 0:01:28was a thing that could replace having friends,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32and it also gave me a way to feel like I was achieving things
0:01:32 > 0:01:34and like I had value, and it made me special.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39It was my best friend and I believed everything it said.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Did you go to great lengths to try and avoid food?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Because presumably people around you would start noticing that you weren't eating.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Looking back on it I'm kind of surprised at how creative I was
0:01:50 > 0:01:55in the various things I could do to avoid eating.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58If you were sitting at a dinner table there was ways that I could
0:01:58 > 0:02:00somehow get the food to the dog
0:02:00 > 0:02:02or hide it in various items of clothing.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06As soon as you'd eaten it there was just this horrible feeling of guilt
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and anger at yourself,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12I just used to become really panicky of, how can I rectify what I've done?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13How can I change it,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17how can I make sure I don't eat anything else that day, to counteract it?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Or do however much exercise I felt I needed to do.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25There were times when I really wanted to eat
0:02:25 > 0:02:28and I'd see a piece of chocolate cake and actually I thought,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I would really like that, but then it's, like,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34"Lizzie, don't be so stupid, why would you think you deserve that?"
0:02:34 > 0:02:37If there's a physical illness, you can start healing it,
0:02:37 > 0:02:42but no-one can get inside your head and take the voice away
0:02:42 > 0:02:44or hear what's going on, to fix it.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49A lot of the media like to jump on size zero models
0:02:49 > 0:02:53or the pressures on people to try and look skinny.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57But it wasn't really about losing weight and being skinny for you, was it?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I don't think I ever really saw myself as skinny.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I don't know whether that's because if I'd have let myself seen it
0:03:03 > 0:03:05then I would have thought, "I have to change."
0:03:05 > 0:03:10I became really secretive, really manipulative, really aggressive
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and angry and controlling, and looking back on it
0:03:13 > 0:03:17there are things that I did that I'm still horrified that I did.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Like holding scissors to my dad's stomach over a chocolate biscuit,
0:03:22 > 0:03:27I don't think I've ever seen my dad so scared, I would never do that,
0:03:27 > 0:03:31but it, it just completely changed me as a person.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33So how bad did things get?
0:03:33 > 0:03:38Erm, yeah, I hadn't eaten for quite a few days and I just
0:03:38 > 0:03:40had this excruciating agony
0:03:40 > 0:03:44erm, like in my stomach, I needed to go straight to the hospital.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49I was put on permanent bed rest, so I wasn't even allowed to get out of the bed because, cos my heart
0:03:49 > 0:03:52was in such a weak condition that if I moved
0:03:52 > 0:03:55it would put too much strain on it and I could die.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00I think however close death can feel, you still feel invincible,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I would end up water loading which became quite a big thing for me.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Erm, where I would just drink so much before I was weighed,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09so that it was all made up with water.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Things went from bad to worse from then
0:04:15 > 0:04:19and I ended up in a long stay in-patient hospital.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I had to be supervised when I ate and after I ate.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I had my windows screwed shut and my plug blocked in my sink
0:04:30 > 0:04:34so that I couldn't throw up and not let anyone see
0:04:34 > 0:04:37and I had to be watched 24 hours a day.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41There are ways that I could secretively exercise in my room.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44If I wasn't being watched
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I would just be doing star jumps continually through the day.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I would do absolutely anything
0:04:51 > 0:04:54to try and burn off energy.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59But I couldn't stop what was going on inside my head.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03If you were able to go through having doctors and nurses
0:05:03 > 0:05:07being so forceful with you, and you still not quite hearing it
0:05:07 > 0:05:12inside you, what did it take for you to start to...
0:05:12 > 0:05:14How do you turn yourself around from that?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I think it was the risk of infertility that really got me.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I hadn't had a period in about four years and I realised
0:05:22 > 0:05:26just how real that was, that actually I could be putting so much at risk.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Being able to have children is such a huge thing
0:05:29 > 0:05:31that I just didn't want to lose that.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34So I ended up going into a psychiatric in-patient unit
0:05:34 > 0:05:36for about six or seven months,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39which I think gave me a lot of therapy
0:05:39 > 0:05:42which was very helpful in that it got me eating again
0:05:42 > 0:05:44and got me in the habit of eating, and the routine.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Recovery isn't, you know,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48just really, really happy,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53it's actually horrible and you've just got to keep your end goal
0:05:53 > 0:05:55in sight and just keep pushing yourself and realise
0:05:55 > 0:05:58it's not gonna be happy for a while, like,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02because you're still challenging yourself but at the end of the day,
0:06:02 > 0:06:07what you're working towards is, you know, is gonna be a lot better.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Now I feel really sad about how it's changed our family life,
0:06:11 > 0:06:17of what it could have been, the years we lost, and what it's like now.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20But then I see the positives of what happened, like the fact that
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I've had that life experience and it means that I can help other people.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Well, Lizzie thank you so much for your call today,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I've certainly learnt a lot from what your story was
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and I'm sure that there's a lot of people listening to this
0:06:34 > 0:06:37who might be going through the same thing that have a better understanding
0:06:37 > 0:06:39of what you went through
0:06:39 > 0:06:42or what maybe they should do to get to a better place, so thank you very much for the call, Lizzie.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44That's OK, thanks, bye.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I believe we've got someone calling through now,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- let's go to line one, hello, what's your name?- Hello, my name's Joe.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Hello, Joe, what's on your mind?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I'm calling up to talk about OCD.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Describe OCD.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Er, well OCD is, is when you have obsessive thoughts,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07and they lead to compulsive behaviour,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11and they make you do things and those things start to disorder your life,
0:07:11 > 0:07:12that's what OCD is.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13It was like a bully.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18whatever OCD told me to do, I had to do it in that way.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21So how did it start, what kind of things did you start doing?
0:07:21 > 0:07:22When I was about 8, 9 years old,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25we were given very frightening drugs talks at school
0:07:25 > 0:07:29and I remember going home and being terrified of solvents.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I had these worries about
0:07:35 > 0:07:39the solvents in paint or on vanish on the tables
0:07:39 > 0:07:42so I had to then wash my hands lots.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43It become a big problem.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46If I touched anything which I thought could have something
0:07:46 > 0:07:51poisonous, or could in some way could contaminate me.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I'd have to immediately go and wash my hands.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01So paint a picture for us of what...
0:08:01 > 0:08:04of what you went through when you went through one of these things.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Er, well I remember being given a sort of origami thing
0:08:07 > 0:08:10from another student and they'd drawn on it.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I was afraid that some of the ink would get to my fingers,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17obviously in the lesson I couldn't go and wash my hands,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20and I just became so incredibly anxious about the fact
0:08:20 > 0:08:22that I'd touched this thing,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28I completely shut down and couldn't function.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Where there any other symptoms that started from this?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37At the age of 11 or 12 there was quite a big shift
0:08:37 > 0:08:39into different types of
0:08:39 > 0:08:42obsessive thoughts and behaviour.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I had a sort of religious background
0:08:44 > 0:08:46so I think that I was very worried about,
0:08:46 > 0:08:51er, offending God and I'd try not to have the thought,
0:08:51 > 0:08:55er, that I wanted a family member to die
0:08:55 > 0:08:58unless I tapped an object five times
0:08:58 > 0:09:03and if you try not to think sort of sinful thoughts or thoughts about
0:09:03 > 0:09:07people you care about then those thoughts intrusively come in.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Fears of poisoning and the tapping,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11it was like two waves.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14So Joe, you're saying if you had a bad thought
0:09:14 > 0:09:19then you tapping something would, what, stop that?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Yeah, for example when I left the classroom
0:09:23 > 0:09:29I'd have to tap every surface on the desk in a specific sequence.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Which for a lot of the time the sequence was five then seven then five then ten.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Then seven then five. So I'd strum like that for five and then,
0:09:37 > 0:09:43then five, six, seven, five, five, ten, five, five, six, seven, five.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47It worked out that I'd have to tap the desk 440 times
0:09:47 > 0:09:49before I left the classroom.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53If I wasn't sure about exactly how well I'd tapped it
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I'd have to start the ritual again.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01So the 440 for one desk is very much a minimum count.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03But I was doing it all the time.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07This was like more than a full time job for me, and even in my dreams.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10So, in my dreams I'd have OCD.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- Em...- What do your family say about what you're going through?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18It was very difficult for them cos I wouldn't engage with it at all.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And the only thing worse than having OCD was the idea
0:10:20 > 0:10:22of telling people about these things.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28If they asked me why I did it I'd just deny that I did it at all
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and just wouldn't have a go,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I'd just refuse to have a conversation about it.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35The most important thing was always do the sequence properly
0:10:35 > 0:10:38that was more important than upsetting my parents.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41So did you, presumably you saw someone about it.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44How did that come about and who was it you saw?
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Doing all those rituals right was at the cost of having friendships
0:10:48 > 0:10:50and doing things that I wanted to do.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I compromised so much that I realised that
0:10:52 > 0:10:55I had to do something about it and I agreed to go to therapy.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Treatment was a lot of work
0:10:57 > 0:11:01but it's so worth it and I'm so glad that I underwent those treatments.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05When I was first diagnosed, that was just such a revelation for me
0:11:05 > 0:11:08cos I assumed that it was just me going mad
0:11:08 > 0:11:11and then there I was the only one that was like this.
0:11:11 > 0:11:17Knowing that, that this was a common illness gave me hope.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Do you remember any moments that might suggest you were
0:11:20 > 0:11:24getting through it and there might be light at the end of the tunnel?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27One of the challenges was to throw rubbish away
0:11:27 > 0:11:29without doing the tapping rituals on the rubbish.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I'd have to completely go against my fears and I remember throwing
0:11:33 > 0:11:37some bottles away into the recycling bin...
0:11:38 > 0:11:42..and I didn't tap it and in the past I would have taken
0:11:42 > 0:11:46the bottle out and made sure I'd done the ritual properly.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Even though I still had a long way to go I think then I realised things were gonna get better.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Wow, so how are you now then?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Is this something that you can be cured of or is it something you've got to manage?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I don't think the word cure is appropriate,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03but the point is that OCD used to have control over me,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05and now I have control over the OCD,
0:12:05 > 0:12:09and it never stops me from doing the things that I want to do.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13So I think if you mean cure in that sense,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16yeah, I have control over my OCD.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18It doesn't stop me doing what I want to do.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22So, Joe, thank you very much for your call, hopefully a lot of people
0:12:22 > 0:12:25who are listening and can identify with what you're saying,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27will know what to do and, er,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30and hopefully helped a lot of people, thanks a lot.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Thanks a lot, great to speak to you.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34And you, bye.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I'm being told we have a caller on line eight, so line eight,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41hello, what's your name?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Hello my name's Zoe.- Hello, Zoe, what's on your mind today?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Erm, I'm just phoning in to talk about my experiences with self harm.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Er, I started when I was eight.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51In what way did you self harm?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54The first time I ever did it I'd had a really bad day at school
0:12:54 > 0:12:56and I came home and had a huge argument with my parents.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Erm, and I shut myself in my room
0:12:58 > 0:13:02and to try and stop myself from crying I bit myself
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and it made me feel better.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06So it started from there really.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10And it was only a couple of times a month to start off with
0:13:10 > 0:13:15and it was just when things got really, really bad,
0:13:15 > 0:13:22that I'd punch stuff or I'd bite myself or pull my hair out
0:13:22 > 0:13:26and that probably lasted for about
0:13:26 > 0:13:28five or six years, ish.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Erm, and it got worse and worse,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35like, it became more frequent and I'd bite myself harder.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40I knew that it can't be normal for someone
0:13:40 > 0:13:44to injure themselves to make themselves feel better,
0:13:44 > 0:13:48the whole logic of it just doesn't make sense, and in the long run
0:13:48 > 0:13:51it didn't make me feel better, but at the time it did,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55and so that was all I was interested in.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00Once I learnt that it helped me, it made me feel better
0:14:00 > 0:14:04it started to take the place of other things that would have made me feel better
0:14:04 > 0:14:06because it helped more.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08What things would make you drive to self harming?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I went through a lot of bullying at school,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16so that was a big issue,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18things at home weren't great
0:14:18 > 0:14:20so that didn't help,
0:14:20 > 0:14:25we'd just argue all the time and we were always winding each other up,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27and not a good relationship really.
0:14:27 > 0:14:34You know, you don't understand, like, emotions at all when you're younger,
0:14:34 > 0:14:37and when you've got them all inside you
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and you haven't got anyone to talk to or any way of releasing them
0:14:40 > 0:14:43it was my way of,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45getting it all out and,
0:14:46 > 0:14:47there were times when I wanted,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I really wanted someone to turn around and be, like, "Are you OK?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54And then other times I was just like, I don't want anyone to ask,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57because it would be like opening a can of worms.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And once you've opened it you can't put them back.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06I didn't tell anyone until it was quite...
0:15:06 > 0:15:07well, quite recently really,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I used to spend a lot of time sat in my bedroom
0:15:10 > 0:15:13and just sit and listen to my radio constantly.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17I'd sit on the floor in the shower with the water on,
0:15:17 > 0:15:21it's amazing how relaxing that is.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23It like, it was really good.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Where there any other ways that you self harmed?
0:15:27 > 0:15:33As I got older it became, er, cutting and burning,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37in the past say three or four years it became razor blades and stuff,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39it was really bad.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46And then after that if I tried biting myself it didn't make a difference.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51The worse it got the more I'd have to do
0:15:51 > 0:15:53to make a difference.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59When I started cutting myself I'd use whatever I could find at the time.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I remember once when
0:16:02 > 0:16:07I was out walking and I used a piece of barbed wire fence
0:16:07 > 0:16:10to self harm and that was
0:16:10 > 0:16:13probably really, really stupid
0:16:13 > 0:16:18and I, looking back on it now I'm like, "Did I really do that?!"
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I remember one night,
0:16:20 > 0:16:25I'd spent seven hours self harming, like, just constant,
0:16:25 > 0:16:30like all night and the only reason I stopped is cos I ran out of space.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Erm, I went into an A&E quite a few times.
0:16:33 > 0:16:3699% of the time,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39the doctors and nurses don't want anything to do with you.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Really? How come?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's like because you've done it to yourself,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46you don't deserve their treatment or their help,
0:16:46 > 0:16:51but there was one nurse who I remember, I always remember her.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56She came over and it was about 5 o'clock in the morning
0:16:56 > 0:17:00and she came over and offered me a cup of tea and toast.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05And just that made me feel better than any other nurse I've ever met,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07like, that little bit of compassion
0:17:07 > 0:17:11and treating me the same as everyone else.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I was like, I'm not quite so abnormal.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Is that how you felt people treated you, differently?- Yeah.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22After doing self harming and going through that process
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- not once did you tell your parents?- No.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29That's a hell of a secret to keep for all that time.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It's awkward cos we didn't talk about how I was feeling
0:17:32 > 0:17:33or what was going on
0:17:33 > 0:17:38or anything, it was like swept under the carpet.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41So when did things start getting better for you?
0:17:41 > 0:17:47Last December really was I guess the big time I remember things changing.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51My partner he said that if I carried on he wouldn't be able
0:17:51 > 0:17:54to still be there.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57And, like, I adore him,
0:17:57 > 0:18:01and the fear of losing him far outweighed any positive
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I was gonna get from self harming.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I started getting in touch with Harmless, and they're a charity
0:18:06 > 0:18:10which are designed to help people who self harm.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Like, things are so different now.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Having someone there that I can talk to about it,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19and I know they're not gonna judge me or tell me that I shouldn't do it
0:18:19 > 0:18:21but they're gonna talk to me about why I want to do it
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and help me find ways to deal with what's going on
0:18:24 > 0:18:27that doesn't resort to hurting myself.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29The longer I go without doing it,
0:18:29 > 0:18:34the less frequent I feel like I want to.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I'd say, well, 99% of the time I'm happy.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I mean life's not ever gonna be perfect
0:18:40 > 0:18:43and that's the thing you've got to know,
0:18:43 > 0:18:44that life will never be perfect.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Well, Zoe, I think you've been so brave talking to me today,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- thank you so much for calling in. - You're welcome.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- Thank you for your call. - Thank you very much.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Thanks, Zoe, bye bye.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03I believe we have someone on the line now. Hello, what's your name?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Hello, my name's Sony.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Hello, Sony, what you calling in with?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I'm calling in cos I have erm, depression and other problems
0:19:11 > 0:19:13so I wanted to talk about it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Do you know why you were depressed?
0:19:17 > 0:19:23I was born in a really nice, well off family, and my parents
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I didn't spend much time with them,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28my dad was in the army and he went around the world
0:19:28 > 0:19:29to like, you know,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32like fighting and stuff and erm, my mum worked in a bank.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I was the like one of...
0:19:34 > 0:19:38You know, the best child they had, like when it came to studies and stuff,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40they had really high expectations,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42like especially when it came to exams.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Like I would have to get A's or A stars
0:19:46 > 0:19:48and if I missed like by one mark
0:19:48 > 0:19:50my mum would be, like, you know, really angry.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53They expected a lot from you.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Yeah. I go to one school, and my mum's just like,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59"Ooh, there's a new school out there, it's really good."
0:19:59 > 0:20:01So she moved my school.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06The school I'm at at the moment is probably like my sixth one.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Cos, we kept on moving around.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14That probably stopped you being able to form friendships.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Yeah, you know It takes a long time when you're shy, to make friends,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21and erm, you kind of almost get to the point
0:20:21 > 0:20:24like, you know, where you kind of know someone
0:20:24 > 0:20:27and then my mum would just move me away to some other school.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29My parents, they only found I had depression when I was 17
0:20:29 > 0:20:33and erm, they only found out because erm, I tried to...
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Like, you know, I had a suicide attempt.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41My mum wasn't there and my dad, he left us like a year ago
0:20:41 > 0:20:44and erm, me and my brother don't get on well.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47We had this argument like every single time
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and I felt like I can't take this any more
0:20:49 > 0:20:53and I felt like this is the best thing to do for me.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57So I just had this like really stupid idea in my mind
0:20:57 > 0:21:00and erm, I decided to do it.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I just got some pills and stuff,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I went back home and erm,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10like, you know, started like taking all the pills.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I realised then like I'd did a really big mistake,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16and by the time I realised it
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I had already taken fifty pills
0:21:18 > 0:21:22and I remember walking down to the bus station
0:21:22 > 0:21:26to take myself to the hospital and the bus was delayed by two hours
0:21:26 > 0:21:28so I had to walk back home
0:21:28 > 0:21:32and I almost realised that I was about to faint
0:21:34 > 0:21:36so I just called an ambulance
0:21:36 > 0:21:38and I was barely able to speak.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I remember them basically trying to save to me
0:21:40 > 0:21:44and it was really painful, mentally and physically.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46My doctors came down and they wanted to talk to me,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49like, why I did it and stuff,
0:21:49 > 0:21:53and I just didn't really say much cos I just wanted to keep it to myself.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56It sounds like everything was against you.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Yeah.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01I couldn't connect to anyone properly in my life.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09Then you have depression, you just can't really pull yourself up,
0:22:09 > 0:22:11you just really wanna give up
0:22:11 > 0:22:14cos it's not an easy thing to go through.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18So you seem to be in a much better place now than you were then,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- what was the biggest turning point for you?- I joined a group.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I had like friends who had the same kind of issues.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Mental illness and stuff.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29They made me feel better because I felt I'm not the only person
0:22:29 > 0:22:33going through this, it was just like a turning point for me.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I felt, for the first time in my life,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I felt like I was being appreciated for what I did.
0:22:38 > 0:22:45When I joined the group, you know, it takes time,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47and I did have incidents in the middle,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49so, it, it was quite a rough time.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54The last one I ever tried was just like probably a month or two ago
0:22:54 > 0:22:56but it wasn't really that bad,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00I just run off from home cos I was really depressed,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and I got a knife and just ran away.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10I ran like a mile just barefoot.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I just went up to the cathedral, just sat there for a while and just have a thought and...
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Something just popped in my mind.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I felt like if I do this then it'd be such a stupid thing to do.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I'm not quite there but I'm trying.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Sony, thank you so much for calling in.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33There's a lot of people who will be listening to this,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35feeling the kind of feelings that you had
0:23:35 > 0:23:38and hearing that there is light at the end of the tunnel
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and you can come through it.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It's really important so thank you very much for your call.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44You're welcome.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I believe we have someone on the phone line now,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- so, hello what's your name? - My name's Joe.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Hello, Joe, what's your story?
0:24:00 > 0:24:05I called up to talk about the isolation I felt when I was
0:24:05 > 0:24:09bullied at school, and, er, cyber bullied as well.
0:24:09 > 0:24:15- Why were you bullied?- I came out at school as being bisexual.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17That's probably not something
0:24:17 > 0:24:20that the guys in your class were prepared for were they?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25No, they didn't really expect it and didn't quite understand it either.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27And, how exactly did you come out?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30I'd gone through a period before I came out of being confused
0:24:30 > 0:24:32and thinking maybe it was just
0:24:32 > 0:24:33a phase and I'd grow out of it,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37and it kind of clicked one night in my head on a school trip
0:24:37 > 0:24:39that I was bisexual and there was no way of getting round that.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43I came out to a few close friends and then when we got back I came out
0:24:43 > 0:24:47on Facebook just by ticking the 'interested in' boxes.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51And how did they initially start bullying?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55First of all it was shouting across the school
0:24:55 > 0:24:58and getting abuse thrown at me.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03It started online at about the same time.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Where you being bullied at all before you came out?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08No, not at all.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13It must have been horrible to suddenly overnight almost suddenly
0:25:13 > 0:25:17have people shouting nasty stuff at you in, in the classroom.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I felt very alone, very closed up.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I spent a lot of time just sitting in my room not talking to anyone
0:25:23 > 0:25:25because I felt what the bullies were saying was true
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and I was, you know, a crime against nature, I was disgusting.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I came back from school and went online and then it was
0:25:33 > 0:25:37there as well, so there was no safe point almost.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39For those people who are listening
0:25:39 > 0:25:42and finding it difficult to imagine what it was like,
0:25:42 > 0:25:46take us through what it was like to get those kind of messages
0:25:46 > 0:25:47and the effect it had on you.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51The messages kept building up and building up,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53there was lots of them.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56There was a lot of anger and pain inside of me,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I wanted to take it out on myself
0:25:59 > 0:26:01because I thought it was the right thing to do
0:26:01 > 0:26:05and there was a compass sitting on my desk
0:26:05 > 0:26:08so, I picked it up, I picked up the compass and I cut my arms.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Take us through why it means that seeing anonymous messages
0:26:14 > 0:26:18about bullying results in you wanting to hurt yourself.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23I was at such a low point it felt right to take it out on myself.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I felt incredibly down and very, very, very lonely
0:26:27 > 0:26:31and I absolutely hated myself for what I was
0:26:31 > 0:26:34and I wished I was straight.
0:26:34 > 0:26:40It was, it was an awful, it was an awful period of my life.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Did you take that to your parents during that time?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I didn't for a long time, it was just one night,
0:26:47 > 0:26:52it had been one of the regular days at school with the bullying there
0:26:52 > 0:26:55and online, and I came down to have dinner
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and had forgotten to put on a jumper.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02I was sitting at the dinner table with a T-shirt on
0:27:02 > 0:27:04and my mum and dad spotted
0:27:04 > 0:27:08these scratches on my arms from where I'd been harming with a compass
0:27:08 > 0:27:10and my mum asked me what they were.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13First of all I said, "It's probably best you don't know",
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and then so she asked again,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17"I really want you to tell me."
0:27:17 > 0:27:19And I broke down at the dinner table
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and told them that I'd been self harming
0:27:22 > 0:27:26because I was bisexual and I was being bullied at school.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Your mum, was she shocked?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Was she horrified that her little son
0:27:31 > 0:27:34had done something like this?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Or was she quite delicate about it?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39My parents were amazingly supportive,
0:27:39 > 0:27:42my mum gave me the confidence that I needed
0:27:42 > 0:27:45to e-mail one of the teachers that I trusted to get it all sorted.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Now it's over I feel so much better,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51but obviously the people who aren't so lucky,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53there was a guy who I was following on Twitter
0:27:53 > 0:27:55,who after he came out as gay to his mum,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58he received so much abuse from his mum and bullying in general,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59he committed suicide.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04- So you were following someone who committed suicide?- Yeah.
0:28:04 > 0:28:12His last Tweet was "I'm so tired of all of this, I'm going in a few minutes, just wanted to say goodbye."
0:28:12 > 0:28:14and, er, he drowned himself.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18After that happened I knew that I didn't want to end up
0:28:18 > 0:28:20as bad as that.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24So I suppose you have quite a message for the people who
0:28:24 > 0:28:28are listening to this, cos there are two different stories that end
0:28:28 > 0:28:32very differently and I suppose you've come out much more positive,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34so what's the difference?
0:28:34 > 0:28:38I think the difference is that I took a lot of action against it
0:28:38 > 0:28:40and if you don't talk to anyone about it
0:28:40 > 0:28:44then it's not gonna get any better and only when you start talking
0:28:44 > 0:28:46can you start taking action against things.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Joe, thank you so much for calling in with your story,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52I'm sure there will be lots of people listening to this
0:28:52 > 0:28:55who might be going through exactly the same thing as you
0:28:55 > 0:28:57that will feel very encouraged about talking about it
0:28:57 > 0:29:02- and maybe in some way standing up to the bullies themselves.- Thank you.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- Thanks a lot, bye bye.- Bye.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Thank you so much to everyone who's called in today.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13This evening's show was about hearing young people's experiences
0:29:13 > 0:29:15and seeing how they've coped.
0:29:16 > 0:29:21When you're going through things talking about it seems to be the hardest thing to do,
0:29:21 > 0:29:23yet everyone we've spoken to today
0:29:23 > 0:29:26agreed if they'd had the chance to go back
0:29:26 > 0:29:27and do something differently,
0:29:27 > 0:29:30talking more is one of the things they would have done.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Thanks a lot for listening,
0:29:32 > 0:29:34bye bye.
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:43 > 0:29:46E-mail subtiting@bbc.co.uk