0:00:05 > 0:00:09Relationships can be difficult and sometimes things go wrong
0:00:09 > 0:00:12and you can get hurt, emotionally and physically.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15All relationships are different
0:00:15 > 0:00:18and even the best relationships can't be perfect,
0:00:18 > 0:00:19but it is important to identify
0:00:19 > 0:00:22if the relationship is unhealthy or abusive.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24We've spoken to some young people
0:00:24 > 0:00:26who've had some of these experiences.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30For their own safety, their names have been changed
0:00:30 > 0:00:32and their words are spoken by actors.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44First relationships can be really hard
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and it was particularly hard in Lily's case.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50We all feel like we need to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend
0:00:50 > 0:00:52but do we really think about what that means?
0:00:52 > 0:00:56If you have to do something that you really don't want to do in order to keep a relationship,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59this isn't a good way to have a relationship.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I'm Lily and I'm 17.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08I live with my mum and I've just had, like, the worst relationship.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I was so much more interested in him than he was in me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I was like a little puppy dog,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I used to follow him everywhere.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18He was so much older than me.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21He'd had girlfriends before and he was my first boyfriend.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24He was just really popular
0:01:24 > 0:01:27and people were more interested in me,
0:01:27 > 0:01:30people I barely even spoke to. I had never had that before.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38I know about girls who like go on parties and lose it
0:01:38 > 0:01:41in the bathroom, on their first time with some randomer.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Like, just cos they're drunk.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Like, I was quite proud of myself for waiting so long.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I was like, "I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it,"
0:01:53 > 0:01:57and then some slut comes along and sleeps with your boyfriend.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Because I didn't want to lose him...
0:02:02 > 0:02:06cos he obviously went off and had it with some other girl...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08because she would do it,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12so I thought, I'll do it and I'll be able to keep him.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I knew he was seeing this other girl.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21She kept texting Josh, so I kind of like, texted her like,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"Look, I know what happened between you two
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"but you need to back off."
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Then she texted me, like, "You lost your virginity with a boy who was having sex with me."
0:02:31 > 0:02:35And I was, like, I was so mad. Like, "Why would you tell her that?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"Why would you go and tell some random girl about me?"
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Like, I still hate myself for doing it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I wish I'd waited, I guess.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I'd be, like, doing my make-up and stuff and he'd be watching me.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55And he'd be like, "Who are you going out with? Where are you going?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"I don't like her. Don't like him. What time will you be back? Text me.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02"Text me back straight away. Come round and see me tomorrow."
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Just quite intense.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10He was so possessive, too possessive.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Well, at first it felt like it had ended quite nicely. Erm...
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Quite normally, they'd been getting on each other's nerves,
0:03:22 > 0:03:27they'd been arguing. "Shall we split up? Yes, no, yes, no?"
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I was trying to avoid him so when my friend rang
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and invited me to a party I was like, "Will Josh be there?"
0:03:33 > 0:03:37and they were like, "No, no." So we went and like I walked in
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and he was like sat on sofa. I was like, "Oh, no."
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I went to the bathroom to touch up make-up.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46INDISTINCT SHOUTING
0:03:50 > 0:03:54And like I could hear him outside with this girl.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59So I just opened the door and I was like, "Are you really going to talk about me when I'm like in here.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"Like are you really going to do that? Cos I can hear you.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03"And that's not on."
0:04:05 > 0:04:11I just kept hitting him. Cos I was so mad and he just threw me across the bathroom.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13I just didn't think he would do that.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I didn't really think he was that kind of guy.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20What I did was wrong. But I'm sure it didn't hurt.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22What he did, did.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29It seemed like it was a weekly thing. There was something else for Lily to get upset about.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Everybody is in everybody else's business.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36And it's horrible. It's my personal business and I don't want everybody to know.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It might be another girl on Facebook.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45So then I'd go on and I'd check it, all the time...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48you know, when she was at college or at school or whatever,
0:04:48 > 0:04:53just to make sure that nobody, nobody put anything else on there.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02'I don't know what I'd do without my mum. I tell her everything.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08'Having chats with her, about how I was feeling and like she kind of really helped me.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10'It was really nice.'
0:05:10 > 0:05:15It's just talking things over, because they make sense once you talk things over, don't they.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17THEY LAUGH
0:05:17 > 0:05:21'She's the reason I'm so much better.'
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Trust is really important in a relationship,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30because some of the things you do in a relationship are private.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Unfortunately, Lily had sex with her boyfriend before there was enough trust there
0:05:35 > 0:05:37and, boy, did she learn that lesson hard.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39If you're going to be sexual with someone
0:05:39 > 0:05:41make sure that there's enough trust there
0:05:41 > 0:05:44so that something like this doesn't happen.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49The single most important thing to get you through a rocky relationship is support around you
0:05:49 > 0:05:50and someone you can talk to.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55Lily was really lucky because she lived with her mother and her mother was able to listen to her.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Not everybody can talk to their mother or father about these sorts of things
0:05:58 > 0:06:02but there is somebody out there, whether it's an aunt or an uncle
0:06:02 > 0:06:03or a teacher or a helpline,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06get the support and talk to somebody about it.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16It's important to know what you're entitled to in a relationship.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19At the very least you're entitled to respect.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22To not be emotionally, physically or sexually abused.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24This is really important.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Here's a story of a woman who fell in love with a guy
0:06:27 > 0:06:28under really typical circumstances.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31That is, they were out for a night out,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34he bought her drinks and she thought he was the greatest thing in the world.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way and it took him having to go prison
0:06:38 > 0:06:41for her to realise she finally needed to get out.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44To me, he did look like Prince Charming,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47like, I know I was a little bit drunk
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I had the beer goggles on a little bit.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52We were just chatting and stuff. He was really friendly.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54He was paying me compliments being really nice,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I'd never had those sort of compliments before.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02He was buying me drinks, I'd never really been bought a drink before.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Well, I was quite depressed, I wasn't really caring about much
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I wasn't really bothered about anything,
0:07:12 > 0:07:19I just wasn't in a very good place, and so because I thought that nobody could or would love me like that,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21when I met him, I think I rushed into it a bit.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25For the first few months the compliments were still there,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29he was still being really nice to me. You know, paid me loads of attention.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33But then three or four months in, he wasn't the way he'd been that first night
0:07:33 > 0:07:37and I realised that his personality wasn't like that.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42As time went on he was doing more weed,
0:07:42 > 0:07:47he started doing more cocaine. It just, you know, it wasn't good.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53Cos I got into doing cocaine as well, there was times when that was the only time that we'd actually get on.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59We'd been out in Croydon.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I was really drunk, you know, he was really drunk,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07and we'd gone out for his sister's birthday,
0:08:07 > 0:08:12and were in the middle of a street in Croydon and I think he said something to me, and I said something back
0:08:12 > 0:08:15that was really rude, you know, I probably shouldn't have, but I did.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20And we got into a bit of an argument, and I just remember him looking at me and slapping me,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22just raising his hand and slapping me right round the face.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29- I told him to go- BLEEP- himself and that no man ever hits me and stuff
0:08:29 > 0:08:31and then a couple of minutes later
0:08:31 > 0:08:34we were walking home kissing and cuddling.
0:08:39 > 0:08:46I was five months pregnant and we'd been arguing and I can't remember what it was about
0:08:46 > 0:08:49but he grabbed me by the throat like here,
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I don't know what that bits called, but he grabbed me on the throat.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56He looked at me like he wanted to kill me and he threw me down on the ground
0:08:56 > 0:09:00and I was five months pregnant when that happened, and I just remember
0:09:00 > 0:09:04thinking, "What am I doing?" but I didn't get out.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I think it was like routine really and habit...
0:09:09 > 0:09:14- I'd tell him to- BLEEP- off and he'd tell me I was a slut and stuff
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and then we'd just... we'd get back together.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24If he hadn't got arrested... I think I would still be with him to be honest, yeah.
0:09:24 > 0:09:30It was the middle of the night and he rang me because you get a phone call, don't you, from the police station
0:09:30 > 0:09:33and he was, you know, "Oh, baby, I love you.
0:09:33 > 0:09:39"I'm at the police station I'm really upset. Come and get me."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I paused for a minute and sort of pulled myself together,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45cos I could feel myself getting emotional
0:09:45 > 0:09:47and I just said "No, sorry. Bye."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01'Looking back on it now, I feel really good that I did that.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05'Cos that was it then, it was like a line under it and it was over,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07'for me, he was in prison and I didn't care.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10'I didn't want to see him. Cos I knew if I'd gone to see him...'
0:10:10 > 0:10:12he would have sucked me in again.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17With that whole, you know, "I'll come back, I'll change, I'll do this, I'll do that."
0:10:17 > 0:10:21And I knew it wasn't going to happen. And I was harsh then and I just "That's it. No. Bye."
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Do you believe in love?
0:10:30 > 0:10:36Erm, well I love my kids and I love my mum...
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Yeah, yeah I suppose I do believe in love.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44But I don't think I believe in love at first sight any more.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48We all know that lots and lots of relationships start on a drunken night,
0:10:48 > 0:10:53however, it's really important to think about the role that alcohol and drugs take in your relationship.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57For example, do you only have a good time when you're high or when you're drunk?
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Do you only get along when you're high or drunk and do you find it tough when you're both sober?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05If you can't have a good enough relationship when you're both sober
0:11:05 > 0:11:09then you need to do some serious thinking about how good that relationship is.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13One of the things that allows you to ignore the real stuff that's going on in a relationship
0:11:13 > 0:11:15is the way you feel about yourself.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18If you're feeling depressed, like you're no good,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22like no body loves you, and these are a lot of feelings people have when they've been abused at home
0:11:22 > 0:11:28or had bad relationships with parents, you expect the same sort of thing in a relationship
0:11:28 > 0:11:31and then when it starts to happen, you feel like it's what you deserve.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Well, it's not what you deserve so it's really important to change
0:11:34 > 0:11:38that idea of yourself in your head and find relationships
0:11:38 > 0:11:40that respond to the good parts of yourself.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49One of the most important things in a relationship is trust
0:11:49 > 0:11:52and trust is not something that happens overnight.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Trust is something that develops over time,
0:11:54 > 0:11:58people do mess up but then they recover from having messed up
0:11:58 > 0:12:01and you learn to trust that even if they mess up, they'll come back to you.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06So really allow trust to develop. When it doesn't develop, that's when some pretty bad stuff can happen.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10'We met in the last year of school.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14'Going out nearly two years, like, on and off.'
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I suppose you could say it's been a bit of a rocky relationship, really.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19A couple of things have gone wrong.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I was taking drugs, I was smoking weed,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I was drunk and I would literally used to end up beating someone up.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I just needed someone to take it out on, if you know what I mean
0:12:32 > 0:12:34and I ended up taking it out on her.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38I always used to be like, "Who you with?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"What you doing? Where are ya?" I wanted to know everything.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I did get a bit jealous at a point, yeah.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48It feels horrible. It's like the person you're jealous of,
0:12:48 > 0:12:51you want to hurt that person, do you know what I mean?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Some geezer was texting her.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55And he wanted her wanted to go and meet him.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58And, er, obviously, my girlfriend's a pretty girl.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01So I understand other boys fancying her, do you know what I mean.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05But, I wanted to go up there with her as if she was going to meet him
0:13:05 > 0:13:11and then I just wanted to come round the corner and just batter this guy, because I was jealous.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18We did used to argue a lot but it was mainly about just stupid things.
0:13:18 > 0:13:23Like, she always go out with her mates, and I just used to say to her, "Why aren't I invited?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26"Why can't I come?" She'd say something like,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29"You're always out with your mates playing football. "
0:13:29 > 0:13:33And we'd end up having a full-blown massive argument about it shouting and screaming at each other...
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Just stupid, no reason really.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I have lost my temper a few times.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45At my uncle's 40th birthday,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49we was all having a few drinks, we was all quite merry and, er,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53this couple of older women, maybe 35-year-olds,
0:13:53 > 0:13:58they were saying to me, "Oh, look how good looking he is," about me and all that.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I said, "Are you hearing what they're saying like, they think I'm good looking."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Literally, like having a laugh.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- And she just like took it to heart and she told me to- BLEEP- off as well, and slapped me in the face.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14And, like, I sort of grabbed her, like that she sort of went like that to get off me
0:14:14 > 0:14:16and ended up banging her head against a wall.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I'd rather be punched in the face than slapped.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I think a slap stings a lot more for a start
0:14:20 > 0:14:23and it's just humiliating in front of everyone
0:14:23 > 0:14:26when your girlfriend slaps you in the face, it's horrible.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31We broke up like maybe five or six times.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35One time I actually had sex with another girl, which we broke up about.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40But I told her about it, I did tell her about it, and we broke up and we got back together a week later.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42SIREN WAILS
0:14:46 > 0:14:50I was always drinking, smoking, taking drugs.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55I was always smoking weed. And I used to fight quite a lot as well.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I just weren't a very nice boy at all, really.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I've made her life a hell of a lot more stressful,
0:15:03 > 0:15:08everything from taking drugs to drinking and, like, fighting and getting arrested.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I had a court case hanging over my head.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Like, I honestly thought I was going to prison.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I just said to her, like, maybe we should break up.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I didn't want to keep hurting her.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27So about a month before the court case, we broke up as well.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I think being on tag like helped me a lot.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47Obviously, I didn't have the opportunity to be going out with my mates, getting pissed out me head
0:15:47 > 0:15:51and fighting and stuff like that, because I had to be in at a certain time.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55And the programme they put me on just helped me a lot.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I felt like I was the only person who was being like that
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I felt, like, I was a really horrible, nasty person.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05I just like, I don't know, I felt shit about myself.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10And this programme, helped me realise that I'm not the only person in my position.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13There are loads of other people out there like me.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27'We're just trying not to worry about things were worrying about,
0:16:27 > 0:16:31'like jealousy and other people and things like that.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36'I think all in all we realised we love each other,
0:16:36 > 0:16:40'we love each other a lot. And we've got things back on track.'
0:16:44 > 0:16:46If a relationship is founded upon jealously,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48this relationship is not working.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Either trust needs to be built up so that each of you
0:16:51 > 0:16:54can lead an independent life without being spied on
0:16:54 > 0:16:57or it might be a relationship that you just need to get out of.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03There are lots of people like Shaun who go off and they take drugs and get in to fights,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06and while they think that this is a really good time,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10often it's an expression of something that's really not going right in somebody's life.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14The trick here is not to go off the rails so much that somebody catches you
0:17:14 > 0:17:16and forces you into a programme like that,
0:17:16 > 0:17:21but to realise that your behaviour and the way that you're feeling isn't working for you
0:17:21 > 0:17:24and call for help yourself, get it sorted
0:17:24 > 0:17:28and then you can really have a relationship that does work for you.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37We all have difficulties and problems.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Some people think going into a relationship is going to fix these problems
0:17:41 > 0:17:43and the trouble is, it doesn't.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Sometimes the relationships can make it worse.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Rose and her boyfriend were pretty depressed when they went into the relationship.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Both of their troubles kind of piled up, making the relationship pretty bad.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01We were both quite volatile.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06We both had a type of depression, probably,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08both of us.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12We would just pretty much argue all the time,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16literally over everything where we were both so volatile.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21A lot of the time he would text me and if I didn't reply, he'd call me
0:18:21 > 0:18:26and call me and call me and he'd say it was because he wanted to know if I was all right.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Or just see how I was.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34There was always some reason I had to go home early.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I wouldn't want to have to go.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41I think I just kind of gave up, you know, in the end
0:18:41 > 0:18:46I wouldn't go out because it was easier, you know, without a scene.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I didn't know if when I saw him he was going to be pleased to see me,
0:18:50 > 0:18:54or was he going to be furious, was he going to be something in between.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Yeah, it was really on edge.
0:19:06 > 0:19:12I would self-harm and, erm, he would self-harm as well, but in a different way.
0:19:14 > 0:19:21He would cut himself, and he would punch walls or he would hit himself, you know, hit his face.
0:19:21 > 0:19:27It wasn't that I was afraid of what he would do to me, or how that would be.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33It was what he would do to himself, because he was so depressed and he was suicidal.
0:19:33 > 0:19:39I just worried literally that I wouldn't be there if something was going to happen.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48I would cut myself, but I would do other stuff as well.
0:19:48 > 0:19:56Like, I would punch myself in the face or you know hit my head against the wall.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01It was the only, kind of, coping mechanism that I had.
0:20:01 > 0:20:06It was a really big thing the whole way through the relationship
0:20:06 > 0:20:12that I didn't enjoy sex, and I want to have sex because I wasn't enjoying it.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16And I was made to kind of feel that it was my problem.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26I'd be really tense and sometimes he couldn't even get inside me.
0:20:26 > 0:20:32And then he'd say, "You're so tense," I'd be like, "Yeah, I know it's because it hurts."
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Then he'd kind of just...carry on,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39even when I said "no", sometimes.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47The lowest point was just being worried about him all the time.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51If I was to go out or to leave
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I would be just worrying, when's he going to call,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56when's he going to call. Then I'm going to have to go home
0:20:56 > 0:21:02and then I'm just going to have to deal with the fact that he wants to hurt himself or he's thinking
0:21:02 > 0:21:07about killing himself and doesn't want to live any more.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14My friends were saying things to me about him
0:21:14 > 0:21:20and at the time I just wouldn't believe it, but those people care about you, those people know.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28He decided to go to America for the summer
0:21:28 > 0:21:33and that just gave me the time to get away and separate myself from that situation.
0:21:33 > 0:21:39It was it was obviously the end of the relationship, it was just a really good thing.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I had time to just,
0:21:46 > 0:21:48enjoy doing the things I wanted to do.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53And having no-one judge me or criticise me, which was brilliant.
0:21:57 > 0:22:03It's really important that your body is your own, and actually your body has a way of telling you things.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06When Rose was with her boyfriend, she couldn't let him in,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09she couldn't enjoy sex with him, she didn't want sex with him.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13This is way her body was telling her that the relationship wasn't right.
0:22:13 > 0:22:20It's also important to remember that since your body is your own, you get to say no whenever you want to.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22You can be raped in a relationship.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25If you say no to your partner they should stop.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28If you say no and they carry on, this is rape.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34I think that Rose wanted to leave her relationship a long time before she actually did.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37When her boyfriend went away it gave her the opportunity
0:22:37 > 0:22:39to get out of the relationship and not go back.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41The important thing to remember here is,
0:22:41 > 0:22:45when you feel like you need to go and you're sure you need to go, go.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Don't wait for something else to get in the way.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55When we hear about abusive relationships
0:22:55 > 0:22:59we almost always hear about the man being the abuser and the woman being abused.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02While this does happen a lot of the time, it's important to remember
0:23:02 > 0:23:05that abuse happens in all sorts of relationships.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Straight and gay and among both men and women.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Chris is young and gay and in this case he was only out to one person - his friend.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18And that meant that there were already a lot of secrets around
0:23:18 > 0:23:21and when there are a lot of secrets around you don't have a lot of safety
0:23:21 > 0:23:24because people don't know what's going on with you.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I would say I was just some kid who was broke down, to be honest.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33I was quite miserable.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36At that point I was only out to my friend Sarah, nobody else knew.
0:23:36 > 0:23:42So I did feel quite isolated from not being able to tell anyone.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48I started chatting on this chat site.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52You go on went on this chat site, I went on made up a fake nickname, as you do.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57I pretended I was 19 and actually I wasn't, I was 15.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00And I just started chatting away to these people
0:24:00 > 0:24:08because I wasn't out to my friends and family, it was such an escape route like, I felt so comfortable
0:24:08 > 0:24:10that I could talk to these people.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I started chatting to this one guy...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I didn't really know what he wanted to be honest, but I thought
0:24:16 > 0:24:20you know I'll take a chance and I'll meet him, so that's what I did.
0:24:23 > 0:24:29I was really nervous I was, like, "Oh, my God! "Oh, my god, why am I doing this?" I was really scared.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Then when I met him I just thought wow, actually he's a lot cuter than his picture.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43I met him around four or five times.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49I actually turned round to him and said "Oh, you know, can we go back to yours?"
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I said to my mum, I'm going away for the weekend.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57I'm just going to Sarah's and I'll be back Monday before school.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00The first weekend was really good.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02It's just amazing, even thinking about it now.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07He was so, like nice and gentle with everything.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12It was like a really positive first experience, to be honest.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17That's when it all went down hill, you see.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23One particular night, I was like, "I'm going now. I'm going to meet Sarah,"
0:25:23 > 0:25:26he was like "What do you mean you're going? You're taking the piss, aren't you?"
0:25:26 > 0:25:31And I was like, "No, I need to go." And he was like "Well, you can't go I've locked the door."
0:25:32 > 0:25:38I don't know, he's got such a split personality, where after all this happened he was like "Oh, I'm sorry,
0:25:38 > 0:25:42"I'm sorry," and blah blah blah and started being lovey-dovey again.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46I never really knew where I stood.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Because nobody knew where I was, nobody knew I was with this guy, it was all undercover.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55I was always really worried if anything happened, if I made him angry, like, what would I do?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Where would I go?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I was did feel quite alone in all of this.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07One time, he actually, like, forced himself upon me.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I couldn't like get away, it was quite physical.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15I don't know, I guess I would say it was rape, purely for the fact that,
0:26:15 > 0:26:20I was crying my eyes out all the way through and I couldn't, I just couldn't do anything about it.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23And that night I cried myself to sleep.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26He just did what he did and rolled over and went to sleep
0:26:26 > 0:26:28and he didn't even say anything to me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I was young still young at the time.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37I thought it's not legal and I didn't want him to get into trouble
0:26:37 > 0:26:39so I just kept quiet about it really.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42The kind of abuse became more physical...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I was, like, punched and kicked and hit and stuff.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50And then once I went to school with a black eye and people were like, "How did you get that?"
0:26:50 > 0:26:54and I was like, "Oh, I just fell over outside". I had to make up loads of lies.
0:26:56 > 0:27:02I went to meet a youth worker, you see, I told her the story like it was a friend, as you do.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07And she turned round to me and she said "Chris, this isn't about a friend is it? It's about you."
0:27:07 > 0:27:10And I said, "Yeah, it's about me" and at that point I broke down.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Talking to someone really helped.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24She said to me that I needed to end it.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I said, "I'm really scared." But she said, "You have to end it."
0:27:28 > 0:27:29So that's what happened.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35'It's coming up to my 21st birthday,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38'I'm a much more confident person now.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43'I'm more out-going than I what was before and I'm stronger because of what's happened
0:27:43 > 0:27:45'and because of the people that I've met.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49'I've got so much more self-esteem now to push myself forward.'
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Before I was this shy, like young guy...
0:27:52 > 0:27:57whereas now I just feel I can be more open and be more myself.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59A lot of the time we can trust our instincts that tell us
0:27:59 > 0:28:03whether we're going the right direction or the wrong direction.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06With Chris this was difficult because it was his first gay relationship and
0:28:06 > 0:28:10the boyfriend was so much older than what he was, and was experienced.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14So Chris thought, this guy has all the answers, he knows how to do a relationship.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18That meant that Chris didn't trust his own feelings that things weren't going well
0:28:18 > 0:28:20until things got really, really bad.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27Sometimes you realise how terrible secrets are only when the secret's over.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29In Chris's case, this meant coming out.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31And he came out in the safest way he could
0:28:31 > 0:28:33by talking to the youth worker.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Once the secret was out, and once he could feel secure about his sexuality
0:28:37 > 0:28:41and had a support network, he didn't have to have relationships under secrecy any more
0:28:41 > 0:28:44and there was a great deal of freedom and happiness that could follow.