0:00:03 > 0:00:06- I did.- I did.- I did.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12- I did.- I did.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13I did.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- I did.- I did.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I did.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24In fact, for one in four people in the UK, the answer is yes.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42It's like the world's going on around you,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44but you're not part of it.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51You can be in a room full of your family and friends,
0:00:51 > 0:00:54you'll still feel horribly alone and frightened.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- I didn't ask to be anorexic. - To be depressed.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- To have bipolar disorder. - To have panic attacks.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10To become addicted.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11It wasn't a choice.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Being a teenager is hard enough at the best of times.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23With a mental health condition, it's often the very worst of times.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25But it can get better.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32You know how bad it can be,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34but you've also got to learn how good it can be.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37The idea is to not let it control your life.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I never gave up. I never gave into it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54It was hard but I did get help from a psychotherapist.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- From a doctor.- From my local eating disorder service.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- From my GP.- The 12 step programme. - From my partner.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And my friends and family.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Asking for help is not a sign of failure,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07it's not a sign of weakness.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09And everybody needs help.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12It's not just me, and I'm not the only one.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And I'm not going mad.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Just talking about it really, really helped.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Now I basically want to live forever.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Wake up in the morning,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16after having slept for maybe about three hours,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21cry because I was awake,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23because I just didn't want to be awake.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Didn't want to have to face another day.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26'School was hard.'
0:03:26 > 0:03:30People just thought I was a bit, generally a bit freaky,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32a bit weird.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I'd just be sitting there.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Sort of really numb and empty.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Just staring, glazed into space.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49It was almost like, like being in prison.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52A prison of your own mind, your own thoughts.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I'd just go into my bedroom and think,
0:03:55 > 0:04:00and think and think and get unhappy, and have a cry, and think.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04When I could take off the mask at the end of the day...
0:04:05 > 0:04:12I'd just cry uncontrollably, as it's the only thing my body could do.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Yeah, it was just a very lonely kind of time.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Even to this day, I don't get why I just suddenly became so unhappy.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27It's still hard to really think about.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31It's not like I had somebody passing away or something,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35or I'd lost my job or I was homeless or something like that.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I had a house, I was in education, I was living with my parents.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42It wasn't that great but I always felt, "Why? Why am I so unhappy?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"What have I got to deserve this?"
0:04:44 > 0:04:48It was almost like something was eating up inside me.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51My dad passed away when I was 17,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55so I was left with neither of my parents alive.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58That just turned my whole life around.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05Everything was taken away from me, like my home, my family,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08any kind of stability and support.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I had to become completely independent,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16and learn to look after myself and it was really hard.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18It was really, really hard.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25Well, I started feeling a lot worse in high school,
0:05:25 > 0:05:32and I, kind of like, always seemed to take it out on the teachers.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Like I hate authority and, I don't know,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41to me it was Mum and Dad that should be telling me what to do,
0:05:41 > 0:05:42not other adults,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44and because they weren't there, I don't know,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I seemed to have a problem with that.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59It's hard to be unhappy 24-7. It's hard to wake up unhappy.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02It's hard to try and be happy and it not work out.
0:06:02 > 0:06:09# Help, I have done it again... #
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And I felt like that this unhappiness was inside me,
0:06:12 > 0:06:16and I wanted to get it out, so I picked up this piece of glass,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19straight down the arm.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24# Hurt myself again today... #
0:06:24 > 0:06:28And I felt like, "Oh yes, this is all out of me."
0:06:28 > 0:06:34# The worst part is there's no one else to blame
0:06:34 > 0:06:38# Be my friend... #
0:06:38 > 0:06:43I think I was experiencing a lot of frustration when I was self-harming
0:06:43 > 0:06:48because I didn't understand why I felt so down and upset.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50# Unfold me
0:06:50 > 0:06:52# I am small... #
0:06:52 > 0:06:57And I felt like it was my fault, so I felt that I had to punish myself.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01So that's what I did.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06At the time, you feel like it's going to change your world.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And it doesn't, at all.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32I was just so sick of living the way that I was.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35You think to yourself, "If I'm going to go through this,
0:07:35 > 0:07:37"time and time again,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41"why not just end it so I'll never have to go through it?"
0:07:41 > 0:07:43There was times, really dark times,
0:07:43 > 0:07:49where I pushed myself to that limit, to the fact that I attempted it,
0:07:49 > 0:07:54and the worst thing about the first time I attempted it was,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I ran in front of a car but I misjudged it,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00so the car didn't hit me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I just got a lot of abuse off this driver.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05I couldn't even do that properly. And that was hard.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07That was the worst feeling in the world.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10To go and end, physically want to end your life,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and failing at doing that yourself.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15It's the most demeaning thing in the world.
0:08:17 > 0:08:24I went to the doctor, eventually, and the doctor diagnosed me
0:08:24 > 0:08:25with depression.
0:08:25 > 0:08:34Do you or someone close to you feel sad, blue or empty most of the time?
0:08:34 > 0:08:38No longer enjoy things that used to give you pleasure?
0:08:41 > 0:08:46If you do, consider whether four or more of the following also apply.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24If most of the above is true
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and you're finding it hard to live life effectively,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29you may be suffering from depression.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Just talking about it really, really helped.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45It was the fact that someone was there to listen.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Someone was there to give you advice,
0:09:51 > 0:09:56and then let you know that it's not going to be the end of the world
0:09:56 > 0:09:58and we'll get through it together.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01To find out that there was a real problem
0:10:01 > 0:10:08and it's like a hormone imbalance in your brain that can cause it.
0:10:08 > 0:10:17It's, I don't know, it feels a lot better knowing that it's not just me
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and I'm not the only one, and I'm not going mad.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24To know that something is actually causing it and something can help.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Going through therapy is really difficult.
0:10:26 > 0:10:31When you're in therapy it can seem like a really strange environment.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Basically, you know, you sit down with someone
0:10:34 > 0:10:35that you've never met before,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39and tell them loads of really personal details that
0:10:39 > 0:10:43you might not have told anyone else and that, that is really strange.
0:10:43 > 0:10:49For me, it wasn't as it's perceived to be, it was more relaxed.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53One on one with each other, which was great.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Nobody there, no distractions.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58It was, you get in, you talk about what's bothering you,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01and we get to the bottom of it, and we'll help you out.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I think as I started seeing results in myself
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and just proving to myself that I could do it,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11once I started to see that in myself I wanted to go even further,
0:11:11 > 0:11:16and I wanted to do more and I wanted to continue to get better.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21The help I got with therapy has changed my life forever.
0:11:21 > 0:11:27If you think you're suffering from depression, I would say,
0:11:27 > 0:11:31don't suffer in silence, that's the worst thing that you could do.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Honestly, it will just make you feel worse.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35There's a lot that they can do.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40They can put you on medication, different kinds of therapies,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42counselling.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Now I basically want to live forever.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I love getting up in the morning.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I love doing things, I love getting out and about.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Things make me happy.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55I can live my life, I can be who I want to be.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00It's a big leap. It's good.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I felt like I just wanted to be good at something.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41It was all about being perfect for me.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I felt like the rest of my life was a little bit out of control,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48but this was something that I knew I had complete focus and control on.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I describe it like a bubble.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00you're just in a dissociated space away from everyone else.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Like the world is going on around you but you're not part of it.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Because all that's going on in your head is,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"I wonder how many calories I've burned
0:13:09 > 0:13:10"going up and down the stairs?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"I wonder what I could restrict next.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17"I wonder..." I don't know, there's so many things and it just...
0:13:17 > 0:13:19..takes you away completely from the world.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I couldn't really focus on what I was doing,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24especially on academic subjects.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27In maths and stuff I'd just stare at the screen
0:13:27 > 0:13:31and because, obviously, when you're not eating properly your brain
0:13:31 > 0:13:34is starved and so you can't focus on anything.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I just wanted to be as thin as possible, really,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45as physically possible, so,
0:13:45 > 0:13:50I'd rather die thin than live
0:13:50 > 0:13:55and be a healthier weight or live and be fat.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58So basically, like, I'll get as thin as possible,
0:13:58 > 0:14:02and if I die in the process then that's fine.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06So it was kind of like a long suicide.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11It started off just losing weight
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and then it almost became like an addiction.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18It kept telling me, "If you keep losing weight then, you know,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"you'll be happy, you'll be perfect,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"like everything will be OK. Everyone will look up to you."
0:14:23 > 0:14:28And in reality, it's lies and it's so hard to realise that it is lies.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I didn't want to admit that I had a problem
0:14:31 > 0:14:33because I felt scared, almost,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36because my mum and dad had brought me up so well
0:14:36 > 0:14:40and I loved them so much and we had such a great life,
0:14:40 > 0:14:44and I just couldn't understand why I had got myself into this mess,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47and I didn't want them to kind of stress and worry about it.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52To be fair, I can't really put it into words.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It's like one of the worst things I've had to go through and
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I know, obviously like Hannah herself went through so much,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02so it might seem quite selfish to say that
0:15:02 > 0:15:04but you just feel so helpless.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It was actually just after PE, actually.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11We were in the girls' changing rooms and she was getting changed,
0:15:11 > 0:15:18and I just remember being so shocked by how thin she actually was.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Like I think everyone noticed that she had lost weight,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24that was kind of normal, especially like being a teenage girl,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28like everyone sort of goes on diets and stuff,
0:15:28 > 0:15:33but, yeah, it was just that moment and how shocking it was.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37That was like a really defining moment for me.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39I just remember looking at her like that
0:15:39 > 0:15:43and realising there was something seriously, seriously wrong.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Like, it crossed the line and the illness had the control over me.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49That was when I realised, I guess, I had a problem like
0:15:49 > 0:15:52when it got to a point where I couldn't eat without just
0:15:52 > 0:15:55feeling completely, utterly worthless,
0:15:55 > 0:16:03completely disgusted by myself and that it was the worst thing ever.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Well, I was in school, just a normal day at school,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and my mum had arranged a GP appointment
0:16:21 > 0:16:25in the middle of the day so I just signed out of school.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29In the middle of the day, I just said, "Oh, I'll be back soon.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32"I just need to go and get a check up at the GP."
0:16:32 > 0:16:38So, yeah, we went to the GP and he weighed me,
0:16:38 > 0:16:43and basically immediately after weighing me,
0:16:43 > 0:16:44and then seeing my BMI, he said,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"Well, you're going straight into hospital."
0:16:47 > 0:16:51And I was there for six and a half months at a specialist hospital.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59A lot of people say that being a teenager
0:16:59 > 0:17:04is the best time of your life and I was in hospital from 17-18.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09I've never really been to parties or, I had that one boyfriend
0:17:09 > 0:17:13and that's it and I've just never had a huge amount of a social life,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16so I feel like I really missed out on a social life.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I was very tired all the time
0:17:19 > 0:17:23and often went to bed about eight o'clock at night,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25because I just couldn't keep myself up.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Your skin gets bad, you look almost grey,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30you have no colour to you.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33When you take off a black t-shirt all you see is just,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35it's like snow,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37because it's just covered in dead skin cells.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38I had really bad downy hair...
0:17:38 > 0:17:42..which is a thin layer of, pretty much fur, on your body.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I became anaemic.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47My heart rate had dropped a lot.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52And I also developed osteoporosis because of the weight loss.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Um, chilblains.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Which is when your hands, your fingers, they all swell up.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I mean the big factor for girls, which happened to me,
0:18:01 > 0:18:05was the loss of your monthly period, which if, you know,
0:18:05 > 0:18:06you don't sort it out,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09it can cause problems for the future as well.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13You don't think when you're ill what you're doing to your body
0:18:13 > 0:18:16and certainly long term what you can do to your body.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19You just don't think about that.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Only sort of when someone's recovering
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I think you can actually help.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26When...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29You have to want to get better first. The most important thing.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Yeah, yeah.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33You have to want health and you have to want life more than anything.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37You have to find something within yourself, some kind of hope
0:18:37 > 0:18:41and like, desire for life within yourself,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43or you can't get better from it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Are you, or is someone close to you, underweight,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50yet nevertheless very afraid of getting fat?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Harsh with yourself about your weight or shape?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Finding it hard to accept that you are in fact very underweight,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and there is a problem?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Exercising excessively?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Anaemic?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Fainting and having dizzy spells?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11If you're a girl, missing periods?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Making fewer bathroom trips?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Trying to hide low weight by wearing bulky clothes?
0:19:17 > 0:19:21If most of the above is true, you may be suffering from anorexia.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36# The rocks, they will always hold in the sea... #
0:19:36 > 0:19:38During recovery, especially early stages,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41it can seem, like, "Why am I doing this?"
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It's so hard, you just want to give up.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47But if your friends are there for you it just keeps you strong,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and keeps reminding you that you can do this,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and that you can have a better life for it.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yeah.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Just knowing that I have friends, like Jo, to just talk to
0:19:59 > 0:20:02whenever about anything and not be judged, is,
0:20:02 > 0:20:07I feel, has been a vital part of my recovery.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11if you think your friend does have a problem,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13then you should just tell someone
0:20:13 > 0:20:16like either like tell your teachers at school.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Yeah.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Or just someone,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21someone that actually knows the proper things to do,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24because I wouldn't have had a clue about contacting a GP
0:20:24 > 0:20:27or anything like that, I wouldn't have known what to do.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29If you think to yourself,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"No, she's the least likely person to have an illness",
0:20:31 > 0:20:38like don't ever think that because it can literally happen to anyone.
0:20:38 > 0:20:44The anorexia doesn't want you to realise that you need to get better,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48and that you need to start fighting against it,
0:20:48 > 0:20:53so it takes a lot of energy and courage to kind of come to that point
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and say, "Actually, I've got a problem,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59"and I can't do this by myself, I need to get help."
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I mean at first, like, the therapy and all that, you hated, didn't you?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04God, yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06it was like, she dreaded going,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10but over time like it obviously did make a massive difference,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I think as soon as she sort of learnt to separate
0:21:14 > 0:21:17the illness from herself, and made it two separate things,
0:21:17 > 0:21:22I think that was quite a defining moment where she started to recover.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Like part of anorexia is it's a very,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28it's like a secretive illness and it's all very introvert
0:21:28 > 0:21:32and it's in your head and so when you open up to other people
0:21:32 > 0:21:34it's like a weight off your chest,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and it allows you to separate your thoughts easier
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and think clearer and, like, keep strong.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43CBT treatment is about challenging the negative thoughts
0:21:43 > 0:21:45that you have in your head,
0:21:45 > 0:21:49so I would have to write down what the situation was,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52what I felt during that situation,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56the automatic negative thoughts that were coming into my head.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59So, for example, if I was invited out with friends,
0:21:59 > 0:22:02my automatic thought would be,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06"I don't want to go, because I don't know what's on the menu."
0:22:06 > 0:22:11And then you have to challenge that, and look at a balanced thought,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14so, it's OK to go out with your friends every so often
0:22:14 > 0:22:18and have a treat and I'm not going to get fat automatically,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21and it was really just balancing out these negative thoughts I was having
0:22:21 > 0:22:23in my head.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26My weight's OK and I eat a normal amount.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33But the feelings I have around food in that I'm so controlled and rigid,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37that isn't normal, so I wouldn't say I'm cured in that sense.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40And if I can start eating at different times,
0:22:40 > 0:22:44other than the times I've set myself, then I'd say I'm cured,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48But until that time, I'd say I'm recovering.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51If I'm really, really stressed, even to this day,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I have to like remind myself to keep eating and to keep strong,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59like I have to, I always do, because it will never go away completely.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Like now it's like a whisper or like, not even there,
0:23:02 > 0:23:06like barely even there, I just block it out so much that it's not there.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Whereas when I was ill, it was like the loudest scream in my head.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13Basically the lion is still there, and it's ready,
0:23:13 > 0:23:17but it's in a cage and it's all tamed
0:23:17 > 0:23:20and it's not vicious right now.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It's just away...
0:23:22 > 0:23:24..and safe.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The wedding was quite a big focus for me. Once I got engaged,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I knew I didn't want to start off my married life
0:23:36 > 0:23:38with all these negative thoughts,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I knew that I really wanted to get better.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44And some people tell you that you live with these anorexic thoughts
0:23:44 > 0:23:45for all your life,
0:23:45 > 0:23:49but then other people told me, "You can have a life free from it."
0:23:49 > 0:23:52And I know from experience that that's true.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54You can get rid of all the negative thoughts.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I now enjoy food.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02I enjoy all the foods that I used to like.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I enjoy going out with my friends
0:24:04 > 0:24:09and I'm back into a healthy routine of exercise and dancing
0:24:09 > 0:24:14and just enjoying life, and anorexia is nowhere near any of those things.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18So I definitely feel that I've beaten it completely now.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21it's difficult but I'm beginning to enjoy food more and more.
0:24:21 > 0:24:29I like venison, I've got expensive taste. And I like sweet potatoes.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Yeah. Those are like my two favourite foods.
0:25:11 > 0:25:19Well, bipolar disorder mostly is thought of as being highs and lows.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22One minute everything's absolutely racing
0:25:22 > 0:25:26and everything's going 150 miles an hour but not fast enough.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Other times you cannot get up.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32it's not that you don't want to, sometimes you just can't.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34You become numb to everything.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39The manic side doesn't appear to be negative,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41until you're not manic any more.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42At the time it seems wonderful.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48I'll see colours more vividly.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Every sound I hear is much more bright and vivid,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55it's like if you're listening to an orchestra then you'll hear
0:25:55 > 0:25:58all of the instruments, but every individual instrument
0:25:58 > 0:26:00and everything that's happening all at once.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02And it can be beautiful.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It's like the shutters have been taken off
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and you can see everything, as new, for the first time.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16You talk 500 miles an hour,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19you talk way too fast for anyone to even understand,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22you'll start off talking like this and then a little bit more like this
0:26:22 > 0:26:23and it'll get out of hand.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25You'll go, "Oh look, I heard this poem, I read this book,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"I've got this idea and the film's coming out, deh, deh, deh, deh."
0:26:28 > 0:26:30You start stumbling on yourself, but you don't care,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32because you've got that idea in your head that,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35"As long as I've got those thoughts coming, nothing's going to stop me."
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Nobody complains to their GP when they're feeling well or happy.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You don't walk into your GP and say,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43"I'm feeling really good today, help!"
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I couldn't feel pain, I didn't know if I'd hurt myself, sometimes.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I thought I could move things with my mind.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53I seemed to have no awareness of traffic at all,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56so whoever was out with me would have to keep an eye on me near cars,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59to make sure I didn't do anything stupid, like walk in front of one.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03You realise that your friends are looking at you strangely
0:27:03 > 0:27:07and that you've said things that might be inappropriate,
0:27:07 > 0:27:11or you've done things that might be, you know, wrong.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14So, yeah, it's difficult, it's difficult.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18It's not all the upside, and then the other side is
0:27:18 > 0:27:22everything slows down to a snail's pace and sometimes completely stops.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24That's the depressive side of it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Depression is horrible.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32You feel down, you feel very low and very upset.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34You can be in a room full of family and friends,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37you'll still feel horribly alone, and frightened.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Wanting to kill myself was hard.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45There's a lot of stigma against people who, you know,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48attempt or even commit suicide.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I think people look at it from their own rational point of view.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54They look at it from the point of view of,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"I would never do that to those I love."
0:27:57 > 0:28:01But it's not a choice, it's a matter of your brain tells you
0:28:01 > 0:28:05that this is the only way out, the only thing you can do.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08And all thoughts of anything else, and, of course,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11it's not that people who feel suicidal
0:28:11 > 0:28:15don't care enough about their families to not do it.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17That's not the way it is.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21It's an imperative, you feel you have to do it.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34It took a lot of courage to go to a GP and say,
0:28:34 > 0:28:35"Look, I think I need help."
0:28:35 > 0:28:41I felt as if something would change, as if everything would change.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44As if this diagnosis would suddenly mean the end of the world.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47I went to the doctor and he said,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50"Yeah, you're suffering from depression at the very least.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55Then he started asking me more questions, he started saying,
0:28:55 > 0:28:56"Are you always depressed?"
0:28:56 > 0:28:59And I said, "No, I've been feeling really kind of hyper as well,
0:28:59 > 0:29:02"and really just running around and staying up all night
0:29:02 > 0:29:05"and, spending all the money on my cards when I've got no money,
0:29:05 > 0:29:06"You know how it is!"
0:29:06 > 0:29:10And he said, "No, I don't quite know what you mean."
0:29:10 > 0:29:14He said, "Maybe we should get you an appointment for a psychiatrist."
0:29:14 > 0:29:16And he did.
0:29:16 > 0:29:21And I saw the psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.
0:29:21 > 0:29:25I saw having to use medication as failing.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28I was using a watch to keep time
0:29:28 > 0:29:32so I could remember what time to take medication.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35And I remember I started dreading hearing my watch go off
0:29:35 > 0:29:40because it was like a constant reminder that I was needing help.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Coping with friendship,
0:29:42 > 0:29:45coping with any kind of relationships at that age,
0:29:45 > 0:29:47it was very difficult.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Well, at first I never knew what it was.
0:29:50 > 0:29:55And then somebody told me it used to be known as manic depressives,
0:29:55 > 0:29:58so once I heard that I was like, "I sort of know what that is,
0:29:58 > 0:30:02"but I'll research it anyway," and I realised what was going on,
0:30:02 > 0:30:06what it was, and I went, "Actually, I've noticed quite a lot of this."
0:30:06 > 0:30:08It made me feel very, very guilty
0:30:08 > 0:30:11that Vicky was having to be my carer,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14that she had to do everything for me.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15Um.
0:30:15 > 0:30:19I had to learn how to cope with my diagnosis
0:30:22 > 0:30:25and with just trying to have a normal life,
0:30:25 > 0:30:28and you had to learn how to cope with me.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36Yeah, the worst thing, probably, about bipolar disorder
0:30:36 > 0:30:39is it takes away your ability to be who you are.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42And be who you, who you really think you are and who you want to be.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46It can really stop that in its tracks, if not looked after.
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Have you or someone close to you
0:30:51 > 0:30:55ever experienced an excessively up or irritated mood
0:30:55 > 0:30:58that lasted at least a week?
0:30:58 > 0:31:04During that time also experienced three or four of the following -
0:31:04 > 0:31:09Had an overly grand sense of your own importance.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13Seemed to need less sleep.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Couldn't slow down the ideas
0:31:17 > 0:31:19and thoughts that were racing into your mind.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24Become more talkative than usual.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Become easily distracted from one thing to another.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31Become unusually intent on certain goals at school, work,
0:31:31 > 0:31:32or leisure life.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37Become swept up in high risk fun activities
0:31:37 > 0:31:39that were likely to cause problems later,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42like spending sprees or madcap business schemes.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44If most of the above is true,
0:31:44 > 0:31:46and you're finding it hard to live life effectively,
0:31:46 > 0:31:49you may be suffering from bipolar disorder.
0:31:56 > 0:32:01# Birds flying high You know how I feel... #
0:32:01 > 0:32:06The realisation that I was bipolar, it changed absolutely everything.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09It allowed me to be able to reconcile things in my own head
0:32:09 > 0:32:12and explain things to myself that had happened before
0:32:12 > 0:32:14that I had no idea why they were happening.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16And it helped everyone else too.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19It helped everyone else understand me,
0:32:19 > 0:32:21that was the greatest part of it of all.
0:32:23 > 0:32:29# And I'm feeling good... #
0:32:29 > 0:32:32I used to be very, very proud, and very individual,
0:32:32 > 0:32:36and was a strong believer, and I did not need help from anybody.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Which I now know, is not true.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43But I've also learnt that asking for help is not a sign of failure.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46It's not a sign of weakness. And that everybody needs help.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50Don't be afraid to talk to other people.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54Get support. Get people around you. Get people to help.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55People will understand.
0:32:55 > 0:32:56Make sure you're nearby
0:32:56 > 0:32:59and you're always going to be there if they need you,
0:32:59 > 0:33:04even if it's just to sit and watch TV or something daft like that.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08Just them being normal showed me that I could be normal.
0:33:08 > 0:33:13That I could recover, it wasn't... I hadn't stopped being me.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17Having a mental health problem is part of who you are.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19It doesn't change who you are.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24The idea is to not let it control your life,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26and to put it in the back of your mind
0:33:26 > 0:33:30and have it there that you think about it enough to deal with it.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33But, no, it doesn't define who I am.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36I'm the music I listen to, the books I read, the films I watch,
0:33:36 > 0:33:38the things I do.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42I lost a lot of confidence during my initial diagnosis
0:33:42 > 0:33:47and became very afraid of social situations but now I'm not,
0:33:47 > 0:33:51now I can sort of jump into a room and go, "Hello!"
0:33:51 > 0:33:53And it doesn't frighten me any more.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I still have symptoms, you know.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58But now I can control them, I can manage them,
0:33:58 > 0:34:01and I can live a normal life around them.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05I can do whatever I want and it was great to get that power back,
0:34:05 > 0:34:08to get the control back into my life.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11To be able to do everything for myself.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15It was fantastic to have that, it changed everything.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47It's just such an overwhelming feeling
0:34:47 > 0:34:53that somebody's just brought this big cape of fear over the top of you.
0:34:53 > 0:34:59Everything in the world was the worst possible scenario
0:34:59 > 0:35:01you could thing of.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06I was terrified of passing people, anything to do with people,
0:35:06 > 0:35:10even having to do shopping, it was a scary experience.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21A friend of mine from school was on her gap year in South America
0:35:21 > 0:35:24and she actually died in a bus crash.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30So that kind of triggered my first anxious response.
0:35:30 > 0:35:33I was about 13, just before I went to high school
0:35:33 > 0:35:36I started getting symptoms of my illness.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38It just progressed worse and worse,
0:35:38 > 0:35:40through bullying and stuff at school.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I can remember thinking I was going to have a heart attack
0:35:43 > 0:35:45because I was having palpitations
0:35:45 > 0:35:47and for about three years,
0:35:47 > 0:35:52I thought every day that that was it.
0:35:52 > 0:35:56And I went to hospitals, had heart monitors,
0:35:56 > 0:35:58had ECGs constantly.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00I used to go down and they used to say,
0:36:00 > 0:36:04"Wes there's nothing wrong with your heart, it's just anxiety."
0:36:04 > 0:36:07And I'd just say, you know, "You've got to be joking, anxiety?
0:36:07 > 0:36:09"You're having a laugh.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12"I've got heart palpitations, I think I'm going to die."
0:36:12 > 0:36:14This is one of the most important organs in my body,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16how can it be anxiety?
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Not thinking anything of the word, really.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21You doubt yourself.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25About what it really is, and when you start to question yourself
0:36:25 > 0:36:29it makes you even worse because then you think,
0:36:29 > 0:36:33"Oh, is this all just in my head? Is it just me?"
0:36:33 > 0:36:38# I'm up in the woods
0:36:38 > 0:36:44# I'm down on my mind
0:36:44 > 0:36:47# I'm building a still... #
0:36:47 > 0:36:49It led to me being agoraphobic,
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I was too scared to leave my bedroom.
0:36:52 > 0:36:57I'd be sitting at the computer playing it all day and all night
0:36:57 > 0:36:59and that was my escape from the real world.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02I'd be dependent on this game.
0:37:02 > 0:37:09Basically we would be doing brave things and fighting evil and stuff
0:37:09 > 0:37:13and it sounded so much better than the reality of everything
0:37:13 > 0:37:15that I was going through.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19And everything scares you at that point.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25It becomes a frightening place.
0:37:25 > 0:37:30That you just get lost in your own, your own little world.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35It was really difficult for me because, you know,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38years before that I was jet-setting around the world
0:37:38 > 0:37:43wakeboarding or playing hockey or, you know, achieving things
0:37:43 > 0:37:46and now I couldn't leave my bedroom.
0:37:46 > 0:37:53It was really debilitating and just a really dark time for me.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58Basically whenever the door was knocked on I would tense up,
0:37:58 > 0:38:01and it I would put all the sound off everything
0:38:01 > 0:38:03and I would just sit there for about half an hour,
0:38:03 > 0:38:05till I felt as if they were gone.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08People weren't allowed to come into my flat.
0:38:08 > 0:38:12It was a terrifying thing having to open the door to this person.
0:38:12 > 0:38:17Even answering the phone, mail, it never happened really,
0:38:17 > 0:38:18it never happened.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21I developed a condition called depersonalization,
0:38:21 > 0:38:25where you don't think you're actually alive, you think you're in a dream.
0:38:25 > 0:38:31And, you know, looking in the mirror and not really knowing who I was,
0:38:31 > 0:38:34or understanding the person I was looking at
0:38:34 > 0:38:37and feeling that I didn't know them anymore.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39You know I thought I was,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I wasn't really alive so none of it was real,
0:38:42 > 0:38:46and I just cancelled everything out around me
0:38:46 > 0:38:48and distanced everybody from me.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Erm, because I just didn't believe it.
0:38:51 > 0:38:55The disassociation was when things would get too stressful for me,
0:38:55 > 0:39:00I'd start closing off my mind and start going into a different world,
0:39:00 > 0:39:01where I could control
0:39:01 > 0:39:05and that I could imagine things up that I really wanted to be doing
0:39:05 > 0:39:09and so that was kind of like another safe place for my mind to be
0:39:09 > 0:39:13when things were getting too much for me to handle.
0:39:19 > 0:39:24Some of the nightmares I was having were really graphic, terrifying.
0:39:27 > 0:39:32You'd wake up and your full body was soaking with sweat
0:39:32 > 0:39:38or you'd be crying, or you'd wake up with your own self shouting.
0:39:39 > 0:39:44# On my knees and out of luck I look up... #
0:39:46 > 0:39:50It's scared to be frightened, all day, and then you go to bed
0:39:50 > 0:39:54and you wake up scareder than you were before you went to bed.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57# You must know life to see decay
0:39:57 > 0:40:01# But I won't rot... #
0:40:01 > 0:40:04It hurts cos then you feel there is nowhere to escape.
0:40:04 > 0:40:09# Not this mind and not this heart I won't rot... #
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Just terrible. It was like being in prison, really.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15But I'd put myself there.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Do you, or someone close to you...
0:40:19 > 0:40:23Have an excessive fear of some thing or situation?
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Avoid the thing you fear?
0:40:29 > 0:40:33Feel extremely anxious or panic stricken when exposed to it?
0:40:34 > 0:40:38Find that the avoidance or distress this fear creates
0:40:38 > 0:40:39causes problems in your life?
0:40:39 > 0:40:42If most of the above is true,
0:40:42 > 0:40:44you may be suffering from an anxiety disorder.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54I'm in a place that I never thought I'd ever be in again.
0:40:54 > 0:40:59I'm actually in a better place than I was prior to being anxious.
0:40:59 > 0:41:03It's made me a much better, stronger person.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06It's a great feeling to just have that relief
0:41:06 > 0:41:08of having spoken to somebody
0:41:08 > 0:41:11and getting their advice on the situation.
0:41:11 > 0:41:13It's just opened my eyes.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17I went to the doctors at first
0:41:17 > 0:41:22and my doctor had referred me to a CPN, my psychiatric nurse.
0:41:22 > 0:41:26She was a constant backbone support through everything,
0:41:28 > 0:41:30and I really trusted her,
0:41:30 > 0:41:35and she did make me feel as if things could get better
0:41:35 > 0:41:37and that they were going to get better.
0:41:37 > 0:41:44About a year and a half ago, I regularly, on a daily basis,
0:41:44 > 0:41:49considered committing suicide, because it was my escape
0:41:49 > 0:41:52out of where I was, but I never gave up,
0:41:52 > 0:41:54never gave into it.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56Anxiety will doubtfully ever go,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59I've just had to adapt my life with it.
0:41:59 > 0:42:01If I'm going around the shops on my own,
0:42:01 > 0:42:03I'll be listening to my music,
0:42:03 > 0:42:07because that just keeps me in the right mindset that I can do this.
0:42:07 > 0:42:12It's part of me so I've just learned to accept it and cope with it.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15After I was put onto the medication
0:42:15 > 0:42:17it was a total relief not to have that constant...
0:42:17 > 0:42:22"Oh, everything's...", you're on edge constantly.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25Just to have that total weight lifted off your head,
0:42:25 > 0:42:28it's like somebody's turned the train tracks down three notches
0:42:28 > 0:42:31and the train's going two mile an hour and you're like, well,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34I can process this thought and think about it clearly without another
0:42:34 > 0:42:4112 being in the way, and it really made a big difference.
0:42:41 > 0:42:43If you have any symptoms,
0:42:43 > 0:42:48or if you think you might be developing an anxiety disorder,
0:42:48 > 0:42:52there's no shame in it or you shouldn't think it's a bad thing.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Don't hide it. Hiding it makes things worse.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57You have to let people in and talk about it and talk about it
0:42:57 > 0:43:00and not be scared to go against it.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02There's so much help
0:43:02 > 0:43:05and so much support out there that you can actually get.
0:43:05 > 0:43:11Once you can do that, you can move on from the situation much quicker.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14I feel like I've been through the hurricane,
0:43:14 > 0:43:17and it's now time to enjoy the sunshine.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20It's just been such a challenge, such a road,
0:43:20 > 0:43:22but I know that I've become a stronger person
0:43:22 > 0:43:24and I just want more out of life now,
0:43:24 > 0:43:26and that's what I'm intending to get.
0:43:26 > 0:43:28You know how bad it can be,
0:43:28 > 0:43:31but you've also got to learn how good it can be,
0:43:31 > 0:43:35and it's an amazing experience letting yourself learn that.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54# If we don't, if we don't If we don't, if we don't
0:43:54 > 0:43:59# If we don't, if we don't If we don't, if we don't
0:43:59 > 0:44:00# If we don't kill ourselves
0:44:00 > 0:44:05# We'll be the leaders Of a messed up generation
0:44:05 > 0:44:07# If we don't kid ourselves
0:44:07 > 0:44:12# Will they believe us If we tell them the reasons why?
0:44:12 > 0:44:16# Do we take it too far, take it too far?
0:44:16 > 0:44:20# Did we chase the rabbit into wonderland?
0:44:20 > 0:44:23# Lose a hundred grand, will they understand?
0:44:23 > 0:44:29# It was all to stay awake for the longest... #
0:44:34 > 0:44:37I just really wanted to see what it done to me to be honest.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40See what the effects were, just curious.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42It really took me out of my feelings,
0:44:42 > 0:44:45all of the kind of anxieties of before,
0:44:45 > 0:44:48it was just a big escape from everything.
0:44:48 > 0:44:52At the time there was excitement about it because it was illegal.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55It was the thing you shouldn't do. So we did it anyway.
0:45:00 > 0:45:05I started using cannabis and ecstasy
0:45:05 > 0:45:10and then just progressed from there into a lot of stimulants,
0:45:10 > 0:45:13cocaine, ecstasy, LSD.
0:45:13 > 0:45:17I didn't see any of that as really a problem, that I did.
0:45:17 > 0:45:21It was just used at the weekends going out with my mates.
0:45:21 > 0:45:28It wasn't until I ended up getting into heroin that that changed.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31I really didn't know what ketamine was, or what it did to me.
0:45:31 > 0:45:34When I first took a line I literally just said,
0:45:34 > 0:45:38"Yep, I'll have some of that..." and it went straight up my nose.
0:45:38 > 0:45:41You know, I just really didn't know what was happening to me.
0:45:41 > 0:45:46It's a dis-associative anaesthetic and it's also a horse tranquiliser.
0:45:46 > 0:45:48If you're dis-associated from something,
0:45:48 > 0:45:50it means that you're not quite there
0:45:50 > 0:45:54and an anaesthetic is something which kind of soothes and calms you.
0:45:54 > 0:45:59So it was like tripping but at the same time it's very calming.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01And I just took more and more and more of it,
0:46:01 > 0:46:05and it became my ultimate ambition to just be in a k-hole forever.
0:46:05 > 0:46:08Which is like wanting to not exist.
0:46:11 > 0:46:13Hmm.
0:46:13 > 0:46:18Wake up early afternoon, because I'd been up most of the night.
0:46:18 > 0:46:24Go out with my friends, get high, get stoned,
0:46:24 > 0:46:26and do it all over again the next day.
0:46:26 > 0:46:31A lot of the time you don't get anything off the heroin
0:46:31 > 0:46:34when you're so addicted to it and your tolerance is so high,
0:46:34 > 0:46:37so you're just you're just taking it to make you feel normal.
0:46:37 > 0:46:40Either there would be some drugs by my bedstead,
0:46:40 > 0:46:43which I would snort immediately
0:46:43 > 0:46:45just to just to be able to stand up, really.
0:46:45 > 0:46:47Or, I would have to jump out of bed
0:46:47 > 0:46:50and start trying to raise some money to go and score some more drugs.
0:46:50 > 0:46:56At the most I was, I was using about ten bags a day,
0:46:56 > 0:46:58which is about £100 worth, so it was.
0:46:58 > 0:47:02You stop thinking about what is right and what is wrong.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04All you're trying to do is, you know,
0:47:04 > 0:47:08do what your brain and your body's telling you,
0:47:08 > 0:47:09which is that it needs drugs,
0:47:09 > 0:47:11and so you have to get it, no matter what.
0:47:11 > 0:47:17I used to DJ, sold my turntables, mixer, stereo,
0:47:17 > 0:47:22PlayStation, Xbox, phones, lots of phones.
0:47:22 > 0:47:25I've been there with my friends, even.
0:47:25 > 0:47:30They stole from their parents, they stole from siblings,
0:47:30 > 0:47:32they've sold their own things.
0:47:32 > 0:47:33All for drugs.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35All you're thinking is drugs, drugs, drugs.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38And you can't concentrate on anything,
0:47:38 > 0:47:43you can't even sit down and watch a half an hour episode of Friends.
0:47:43 > 0:47:45It just drives you mad.
0:47:56 > 0:47:59If you imagine ketamine as these crystals,
0:47:59 > 0:48:02and these crystals, you're putting them up your nose,
0:48:02 > 0:48:05and they're going down your throat.
0:48:05 > 0:48:10About here, suddenly, you get this crippling, crippling pain,
0:48:10 > 0:48:14which just literally makes you collapse onto the floor,
0:48:14 > 0:48:18and start rocking and shouting and screaming.
0:48:18 > 0:48:22It's like this hideous burning, and I think the first time you get it
0:48:22 > 0:48:24you do think that you're having a heart attack
0:48:24 > 0:48:26and that you're going to die.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29To this day I don't know what it was whether it was a panic attack,
0:48:29 > 0:48:31whether I tripped and fell,
0:48:31 > 0:48:33whether it was the two things at the same time.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35I fell to the one side
0:48:35 > 0:48:37and I kind of thought I had a seizure.
0:48:37 > 0:48:40It was something I'd never experienced before,
0:48:40 > 0:48:42this weird feeling.
0:48:42 > 0:48:46I was short of breath, I was pale white, I was scared.
0:48:46 > 0:48:49You know my heart was pumping, pumping, pumping.
0:48:50 > 0:48:54I rushed into my mum's room, and I said to her,
0:48:54 > 0:49:00"Look, I think I've just had a fit, a seizure of some sort.
0:49:00 > 0:49:08And then, from that day, like that, it just it wasn't the same.
0:49:10 > 0:49:13I wasn't the same.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16The other physical effect of taking ketamine, on your body,
0:49:16 > 0:49:19is to get ulcerative cystitis,
0:49:19 > 0:49:22which is where the crystals of ketamine
0:49:22 > 0:49:26are corroding the nerve endings in your bladder.
0:49:26 > 0:49:30And what this will eventually do is make you completely incontinent.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32You will be pissing every five minutes,
0:49:32 > 0:49:36and you will be pissing blood and it is excruciatingly painful.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38The doctor was saying to me,
0:49:38 > 0:49:39"You have to stop taking drugs NOW,
0:49:39 > 0:49:42"otherwise we're going to cut your bladder out.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45"You're going to be left with a bag for the rest of your life."
0:49:45 > 0:49:47And I still took ketamine.
0:49:47 > 0:49:50You know, this is how insane addiction is.
0:49:50 > 0:49:55It starts with the drugs, because I believe the drugs and the alcohol
0:49:55 > 0:50:03and whatnot, all led up to panic attacks and anxiety.
0:50:03 > 0:50:09I just was scared of outside, the outside world.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11I didn't know what was going on, confused,
0:50:11 > 0:50:15I was wondering what was going on, if I was going mad,
0:50:15 > 0:50:19or just various things that I didn't have a clue about at the time.
0:50:19 > 0:50:23Well, it's cost me a lot, so it has.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26I mean, I had a good job, so I did, at the time.
0:50:26 > 0:50:31And, if I didn't take drugs, I'd have probably been head chef by now,
0:50:31 > 0:50:34I've had probably had my own kitchen.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38Criminal convictions as well, I've got convictions.
0:50:38 > 0:50:46Shoplifting, possession, drugs, assaults, serious assault.
0:50:46 > 0:50:52So that obviously still affects certain jobs that you go for as well.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54In the end I just sacrificed everything,
0:50:54 > 0:50:57because drugs came first, and I lost my boyfriend
0:50:57 > 0:50:59and I lost my job, you know,
0:50:59 > 0:51:03but I still had drugs, and I thought that was a good thing.
0:51:03 > 0:51:04Madness.
0:51:04 > 0:51:09# You always hurt
0:51:09 > 0:51:12# The one you love... #
0:51:14 > 0:51:19I think what I was doing to my mum at that time was really bad.
0:51:20 > 0:51:24My life was to wake up when I wanted,
0:51:24 > 0:51:27go to sleep when I wanted, and in between that, do what I wanted.
0:51:27 > 0:51:28Simple.
0:51:29 > 0:51:31It sounds horrible,
0:51:31 > 0:51:34but you know at the time I kind of didn't care about her.
0:51:34 > 0:51:36It wasn't that I didn't,
0:51:36 > 0:51:39but it was the way I come across, my personality had changed.
0:51:44 > 0:51:48It's heartbreaking, it really is heartbreaking.
0:51:48 > 0:51:53I would be at work and I'd be worried about him constantly,
0:51:53 > 0:51:57but also, I didn't want to go home
0:51:57 > 0:51:59because I was scared of what I'd go home to.
0:52:00 > 0:52:03I came home from work the one evening,
0:52:03 > 0:52:05I was working shifts at the time,
0:52:05 > 0:52:08and Luke was lying on the hall floor,
0:52:08 > 0:52:11and I really did think that Luke was dead.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15I couldn't wake him up, I was shaking him, I was hysterical.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17Eventually he did sort of rouse around.
0:52:19 > 0:52:20I got him into bed
0:52:20 > 0:52:23and I actually slept on his bedroom floor that night,
0:52:23 > 0:52:26with fear of something happening to him throughout the night.
0:52:29 > 0:52:33I really did think that I was going to lose my son,
0:52:33 > 0:52:35and what would I do without him, really?
0:52:42 > 0:52:45When you're young you think, "Oh, it's fine. You can handle it.
0:52:45 > 0:52:49"There's no harm in it, because your friends are doing it."
0:52:49 > 0:52:53But for some people it can happen and you do end up,
0:52:53 > 0:52:55it controls your life, so it does.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59Is this you, or someone close to you?
0:52:59 > 0:53:05Repeated use of the substance leads to problems at home, work or school.
0:53:07 > 0:53:09Use of the substance in a situation
0:53:09 > 0:53:11that puts yourself and others at risk.
0:53:12 > 0:53:16Continuing to use the substance even though it's causing problems.
0:53:16 > 0:53:19You need more and more of the chosen substance
0:53:19 > 0:53:22to achieve the same effects as a smaller amount once had.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25Relationships, work, social life, or leisure
0:53:25 > 0:53:27suffer because of the substance use.
0:53:27 > 0:53:32If most of the above is true, you may have an addiction.
0:53:56 > 0:53:58Things started to get better for me
0:53:58 > 0:54:04when I got in touch with a service in my local borough,
0:54:04 > 0:54:08which was like a council service.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10They offered me a support worker
0:54:10 > 0:54:17and my support worker was someone who I could talk to confidentially.
0:54:17 > 0:54:21They weren't going to tell my parents,
0:54:21 > 0:54:23they weren't going to get me arrested
0:54:23 > 0:54:25for any of the things that I'd done.
0:54:25 > 0:54:27And we made a list of goals,
0:54:27 > 0:54:30and practical ways that I could improve my life.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32I had many mental people talk to me,
0:54:32 > 0:54:35mental health people talk to me, sorry!
0:54:35 > 0:54:39About all sorts, but I just was a bit stubborn towards it.
0:54:39 > 0:54:44A lot of them were very keen to get me on medication,
0:54:44 > 0:54:45which I was kind of a big "no-no" for.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48It's each to their own, what works for one doesn't for another.
0:54:48 > 0:54:51Yeah, I mean a lot of people will be like,
0:54:51 > 0:54:53"If it makes me better, I'll take it."
0:54:53 > 0:54:54Give it me.
0:54:54 > 0:54:58But I wanted to do it for myself, naturally, if I could.
0:54:58 > 0:54:59And I have. And I did, so.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03There were various rehab options available to me
0:55:03 > 0:55:06and the first thing that encouraged me to go
0:55:06 > 0:55:10was when I found out that I didn't have to pay for it,
0:55:10 > 0:55:12and that my parents didn't have to pay for it.
0:55:12 > 0:55:14Because I think,
0:55:14 > 0:55:17I thought that to go to rehab either you had to be a supermodel
0:55:17 > 0:55:21you know, or a pop star, or you had to have really rich parents.
0:55:21 > 0:55:23But when I found out that actually,
0:55:23 > 0:55:26you know, you can apply for funding, either from charities
0:55:26 > 0:55:28or from the council, if you go and present your case,
0:55:28 > 0:55:31say, "Look here, I'm really in need of help, I don't have money.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33"I need to go to rehab,"
0:55:33 > 0:55:35They will find the money for you, and you can go.
0:55:36 > 0:55:38I think the key for me is just keeping busy
0:55:38 > 0:55:41and doing a lot of stuff.
0:55:41 > 0:55:45I want to work within addictions and just help other people,
0:55:45 > 0:55:48that's really what I want to do with my life now,
0:55:48 > 0:55:51and that's the career path that I want to go down now, so.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56It is important to have people there for you, that's a definite.
0:55:56 > 0:55:59Well, he's my baby, you see.
0:55:59 > 0:56:02Well, what are we like now compared to when,
0:56:02 > 0:56:03We're very, very close.
0:56:03 > 0:56:06Yeah, we are really. We'll have a talk about anything,
0:56:06 > 0:56:11and then it was just like, you know, now it's simple as that.
0:56:11 > 0:56:14It's just like there was a wall between us and now there's no wall,
0:56:14 > 0:56:17we're leaning against each other, rather than the wall.
0:56:17 > 0:56:18And that's how it is.
0:56:18 > 0:56:21Since getting off drugs my life has been great.
0:56:21 > 0:56:23I've got a lovely house.
0:56:23 > 0:56:24I've got a daughter.
0:56:24 > 0:56:26I got an internship in an art gallery.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28I live with my girlfriend, we've got a house.
0:56:28 > 0:56:32You know, I have loads of friends, I dance, I do things.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35I can really do whatever I want with my life, so I can.
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Life's just bright again.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40Then, it was just me in my bedroom and drugs.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44Stuff you want to go, "Boo!" about.
0:56:44 > 0:56:46Just stuff, bad stuff.
0:56:46 > 0:56:48I had nothing to say when I was a drug addict
0:56:48 > 0:56:50because when you're a drug addict
0:56:50 > 0:56:53what do you say to someone who isn't a drug addict?
0:56:53 > 0:56:56What had I done that week? Nothing, you know.
0:56:56 > 0:56:59Other than steal, lie and cheat for drugs.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02People think that taking drugs makes you interesting,
0:57:02 > 0:57:06but it doesn't, it makes you the most boring person in the world.
0:57:08 > 0:57:10I want to get out there and prove to the world
0:57:10 > 0:57:14that it doesn't matter where you're from,
0:57:14 > 0:57:17it doesn't matter what problems you've had in your life,
0:57:17 > 0:57:19you can do anything you want.
0:57:19 > 0:57:21Nothing's impossible.
0:57:21 > 0:57:26And impossible, if you take the I and M off, it says, "I'm possible".
0:57:28 > 0:57:31I'm possible.
0:57:34 > 0:57:37- I didn't ask to be anorexic. - To be depressed.
0:57:37 > 0:57:38To have bipolar disorder.
0:57:38 > 0:57:41- To have panic attacks. - To become addicted.
0:57:41 > 0:57:42It wasn't a choice.
0:57:42 > 0:57:46We've all got mental health just like we've all got physical health.
0:57:46 > 0:57:48They both need looking after.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50They both need fixing when they break down.
0:57:50 > 0:57:53The only difference is that when things go wrong in your head...
0:57:53 > 0:57:56You can't necessarily see it.
0:57:56 > 0:57:58We agreed to be in this film.
0:57:58 > 0:58:00- Because we wanted to raise awareness.- And reduce the stigma.
0:58:00 > 0:58:04There are so many misconceptions about mental health illnesses
0:58:04 > 0:58:06and I think it's important to educate people.
0:58:06 > 0:58:09I think drugs education should be from young people
0:58:09 > 0:58:12who have been through it to young people who are going through it.
0:58:12 > 0:58:15There is a life after mental illness.
0:58:15 > 0:58:18And over time you'll see that for yourself.
0:58:18 > 0:58:21- We all want to help. - And it's good to share.
0:58:43 > 0:58:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd