0:00:00 > 0:00:04I'm Bex, and I'm nearly 24,
0:00:04 > 0:00:07so, I say nearly 24 because I'm actually 23,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10but I don't like odd numbers because they bring bad luck, so...
0:00:10 > 0:00:12So, I'm nearly 24.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15I love cats, so, I love cats.
0:00:15 > 0:00:21I've got bipolar as well, and borderline personality disorder.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I forgot about that then!
0:00:23 > 0:00:27It's quite a long list, actually, of what I've been diagnosed with,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30but will just stick to the two, well, it's three actually,
0:00:30 > 0:00:32cos I've got OCD as well.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33That's an odd number. Hang on.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I started off always overweight from being a young child.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56When I got to about 16, when I was going to college,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I decided just to lose some weight.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00SHUTTERS CLICK
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It just sort of snuck up on me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05It's not like one day I, you know, woke up and thought,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07"I'm an anorexic."
0:01:07 > 0:01:12But...I suppose I started getting the thoughts that it was
0:01:12 > 0:01:14out of control when...
0:01:15 > 0:01:19..I realised that I couldn't eat without feeling guilty,
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I couldn't eat without the compulsive need to exercise.
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Hey?
0:01:24 > 0:01:30It does affect my photography quite a lot. It's a very active job.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33I'm on my feet all the time.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36I have to have the energy, whereas most of the time
0:01:36 > 0:01:41I'm continuously weak and not feeling strong enough.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Look at that. Aren't you beautiful?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45SHE LAUGHS
0:01:45 > 0:01:50I hit rock bottom on 20 November 2016,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53and I will remember that date
0:01:53 > 0:01:57because it was the day I went to sleep and...
0:01:58 > 0:02:01..it was the first time that I felt I never wanted to wake up.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07On the 20th of every month now, I want to set myself little goals
0:02:07 > 0:02:11that help me keep on the road to recovery.
0:02:11 > 0:02:17So, they include things like starting a t'ai chi class,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19or doing some yoga.
0:02:19 > 0:02:25I want to do a skydive for Beat, the eating disorder charity.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29And one day it'll be, you know, several years of recovery
0:02:29 > 0:02:31rather than just months.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34SHUTTERS CLICK
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I've always been an anxious lad, really, but it wasn't until
0:02:39 > 0:02:43I joined the Navy that I realised that there was an issue there.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I remember once I was walking through the dockyard
0:02:46 > 0:02:47and I had a massive panic attack.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I didn't know what it was.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52It wasn't till I was told, really, that I knew it was an issue.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55That's when I realised that I was ill
0:02:55 > 0:02:57and it's not something that's just going to go away.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59When it's at its worst, it's completely debilitating.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I couldn't be here now playing golf. It'd be...
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I wouldn't shower for days. I'd just sleep or I wouldn't sleep.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I'd drink really heavy.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09The panic attacks, the suicidal thoughts,
0:03:09 > 0:03:10everything that comes with it.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14It comes all at once and there's not much you can do about it, really.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17There's so many different symptoms that come with a panic attack.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You've got the racing heart, you can't breathe.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22You're shaking, you're crying, you're sweating.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Your hallucinations.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26You feel like you're going to die.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I really want to go out for my 30th.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31We're on about going away somewhere, but...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34..it scares me, because when I get too drunk,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36that's when I have my panic attacks.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Yes!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I'm Gemma. I'm 23 from Dundee and I am a nurse.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49And last November I was diagnosed with depression.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54When I was a teenager, I found that my emotions were heightened,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I would deal with situations differently.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I didn't want to accept being unwell any more and just dealing with it.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I wanted to admit to myself that I have depression.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08So, I went to the doctors.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I have had times when I've been unable to cope at work.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Being on the front line of the NHS can be very stressful,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21and there have been times at work where I have broke down
0:04:21 > 0:04:24and I know that I'm not the only one that feels like that,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28because I see it, but it feels that you are very alone.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I like coming here, because my dad and I used to visit here
0:04:34 > 0:04:35when we were younger.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39And I think it also helps me to try and think of times
0:04:39 > 0:04:44that maybe people didn't have the problems that we have today.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- That's quite a good one. Sick bay. - SHE LAUGHS
0:04:47 > 0:04:50After going to the doctor, they have started me on a medication,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53but they've also asked me to self-refer for counselling.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56And, I mean, it's not difficult.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It's just going and saying, "I need help."
0:04:59 > 0:05:01But people don't understand.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It's really, really difficult
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and there's that barrier there
0:05:05 > 0:05:07that I just can't knock down to try and help myself.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I think the reason why I've not went is because it's unknown
0:05:13 > 0:05:17what's going to happen or what the scenario's going to be
0:05:17 > 0:05:18when I go for counselling.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I don't know how vulnerable I'm going to be and that scares me.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26MP3 player, phone...
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I've been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36borderline personality disorder, and also insomnia.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37And that window's locked.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I call my anxiety disorder the anxious hug monster.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Because that's how it feels.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43The chest just compressed
0:05:43 > 0:05:48and it feels like your heart's pounding and your hands are shaking.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49That's locked.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52When I've been leaving the flat, it takes me longer,
0:05:52 > 0:05:56with my OCD as well and my anxiety.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01I need to do my checks, right, so I need to go, that's turned off,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03that's turned off, that's turned off, hang on, hang on...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That's turned on, and then that's turned off, right,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08so, that's turned off.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11That's turned off. The window...is locked.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14That's locked.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15SHE COUNTS TO TEN
0:06:16 > 0:06:18That's locked. And then to my bedroom.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21The lamp is unplugged.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23The laptop needs to be unplugged.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26I don't trust that being on. Straighteners are unplugged.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Everything's turned off in here. The window's locked.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Right, living room.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35This window... That's locked. That's fine.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I'll just check the back door again, then we can go.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Right, it's definitely locked, that's definitely locked.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41OK, right, we can go, we can go.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I know the straighteners are unplugged, we can go now.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I'll just do that window again.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46That's fine, that window's fine.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Erm, OK.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Everything's turned off.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I know the straighteners are unplugged. For God's sake.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53And the back door's locked.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55This really pisses me off.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05OK.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08OK, we're... OK, I can go.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh, no, I'll just count to ten...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13SHE COUNTS TO TEN
0:07:13 > 0:07:15OK, we can go.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17CROSSING BEEPS
0:07:17 > 0:07:19So, I go to knitting club every week.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22And today's knitting club day, so I'm going to do my yarn-bombing,
0:07:22 > 0:07:27and sew all my patches onto the bench.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29During the week, we make things
0:07:29 > 0:07:33and then on the actual knitting club day we just sew them on.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35When I was ill, like, with my anxiety,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38which hasn't got better, but when I was, like, well, not ill,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40but a bit unwell with my anxiety,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I didn't go to the knitting club for about four weeks.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45So, I missed a month, but I came back
0:07:45 > 0:07:47and everyone was dead welcoming,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49they were like, "Oh, I'm glad you're feeling better."
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- And now I just like the knitting. - SIRENS
0:07:51 > 0:07:52One minute.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56AMBULANCE SIREN
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Oh! Right...
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Sorry about that.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I'm really... I don't like sirens. I'm really sensitive to sound.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I try and have a good routine,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11like, take my medication at a specific time,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14at night-time, and then have a good meal.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Even if it's just a few rules, or if it's just something,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21like, I've got a chalkboard in the kitchen,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and it'll always tell me to water the plants and knit.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27So, I've got to do at least those two things every day.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31And then I know I've done something with the day.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35And even though it's not a lot, it's a lot for someone that has,
0:08:35 > 0:08:40like, a mental illness, so, even though I'm out now...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44..I can't stop thinking if the straighteners are turned on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46But I know, I know I've unplugged them.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I know I've... I know I've unplugged them.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Before, I would never have ordinarily eaten anything for lunch,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05but something quite generic, like beans on toast,
0:09:05 > 0:09:09is sort of almost a safe food for me, but it's getting it in.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Before I would've never eaten bread or potatoes,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15or even beans would have been too much sugar in that.
0:09:15 > 0:09:21So, to go from eating nothing to eating something like this
0:09:21 > 0:09:23is quite a big deal for me.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25But when I am making food,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I just sort of try and distract myself as much as possible,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32and if I stand here in silence and think about it,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I will just let my mind wander to calories more often than not
0:09:35 > 0:09:39and I will start thinking about, "What else am I going to be
0:09:39 > 0:09:41"eating later, and how many calories are in this?"
0:09:41 > 0:09:45And if I pull myself back and actually think, why am I doing this?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I can't really give a reason for it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53One of the worst things for me to overcome was the guilt.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56You know, when I was just about to hit rock bottom,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I never thought I would be able to eat like a normal person again.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07My challenges are going really, really well.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11I've just done t'ai chi, and that's gone really well. I enjoyed that.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15It was something that was different and I didn't expect.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18And then we do the same again to the middle.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19I think.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22And then it's like a warrior pose.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And I'm going to be doing yoga next month as well, which is another
0:10:25 > 0:10:29sort of exercise that wasn't intense calorie-burning exercise.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I'm not ashamed to say that I've used alcohol substantially
0:10:35 > 0:10:37throughout the years to aid me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40I wouldn't say necessarily that I have an issue.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43However, I know it's a trigger.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44- Guinness, please, pal.- No worries.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47It's got bad over the past couple of weeks, because I felt bad.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I know I've been drinking too much, cos I'm not doing anything.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52The gym's started to slip a little bit.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Golf's just gone out the window.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It's very much waking up feeling like crap on a weekend
0:10:56 > 0:10:57and doing it all again.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00So, it's a downward spiral.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03As soon as you start to counteract the depression with the beer,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05just, you wake up sober, you feel shit basically,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and then you go back to where you were.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11But it's telling yourself not to do that, cos that's all I've done.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14That's all I've learnt through the Navy, etc, when I've been trying
0:11:14 > 0:11:18to battle it, like, alcohol's the way out, when essentially it isn't.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It just makes things 20 times worse.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Especially when you're having a shedload a night,
0:11:24 > 0:11:25and it's just not worth it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29SHE SIGHS
0:11:29 > 0:11:33It's like I'm in a pit of desperation and helplessness.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36It's not just being sad.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40It's a mixture of emotions, but very negative
0:11:40 > 0:11:43and feeling that there's nothing that will be able
0:11:43 > 0:11:46to help you change how you feel.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51What I say to people who don't understand depression,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I feel like saying,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"Imagine having a really bad day and times it by ten...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"..and like you're fighting a losing battle."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04For me, it's...
0:12:04 > 0:12:05For me, it's being on, like, a...
0:12:07 > 0:12:08SHE SIGHS
0:12:11 > 0:12:16Sorry. For me, it's like being on a tightrope.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17And you're walking over it
0:12:17 > 0:12:22and there's people throwing things at you to try and get you down.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25And it's my emotions that are throwing at me,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28trying to push me down into a pit of despair,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30and that's, like, every day I have to deal with that.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34It's like I put a brave face on to try and say,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"I'm OK, I'm doing OK, you don't need to worry."
0:12:38 > 0:12:41And I think people sometimes take that the wrong way
0:12:41 > 0:12:45and maybe that's not the right thing to do, to actually, I think actually
0:12:45 > 0:12:48maybe you should admit, look, when somebody says, "How are you doing?"
0:12:48 > 0:12:52and you go, "I'm great," but you're really not great. You're struggling.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56And people think, "Oh, you know, she says she's got depression,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"but she's not showing it, so she doesn't have it."
0:13:00 > 0:13:03So, I have to collect my medication today.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's just something that I dread.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07But we'll see how I get on.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11OK, so, we're here.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14And it's definitely busy.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16But...
0:13:16 > 0:13:17There's people everywhere.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19People get too close to me.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21And then the people having conversations,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23but loads and loads and loads of conversations.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27And then there's staff talking, and it's just really loud.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31It really affects my anxiety.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36So, I've got my medication. Hurrah!
0:13:36 > 0:13:40And it's time to go home.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Hurrah!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45So, I wasn't in there for very long.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48And I'm home now.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I still don't feel that calm.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55There's three little boxes in there.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57So, that'll last me, erm...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01That'll last me four days.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05And then in four days' time I'll have to get some more.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07So... SHE SIGHS
0:14:08 > 0:14:13It's just a case of me trying to find something to calm me down.
0:14:17 > 0:14:22There's lots of other side-effects that come with having anorexia.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I want to show you a little bit of my bloat.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27This is just from eating a perfectly normal tea,
0:14:27 > 0:14:29let's have a look at the time, three hours ago,
0:14:29 > 0:14:33and I look like I am carrying a baby.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Now, I know it's not that bad, considering,
0:14:38 > 0:14:42but as somebody who has bones jutting out
0:14:42 > 0:14:45most of the time, my belly button is even sticking out.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50It isn't painful,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53but it is extremely uncomfortable.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57It feels like the worst gas, the worst pressure,
0:14:57 > 0:14:58you can't get the air in.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02And, erm...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05These are my ankles.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07And today they are terrible
0:15:07 > 0:15:10with something called peripheral neuropathy.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15That is a nerve damage, and it's very, very bad.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18It feels like creeping, burning.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21No matter how cold I am, my veins start standing up.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25They sweat, they're cold, they're icy, they're tingling
0:15:25 > 0:15:29and the best way to describe it, it's like a creeping sensation.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Like lots of little bugs are crawling up my legs.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Anybody who thinks that eating disorders are a vanity thing,
0:15:36 > 0:15:41you know, I look haggard and half dead
0:15:41 > 0:15:44in my worst throes of anorexia.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46And I knew that was ugly.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47I didn't want to look like that,
0:15:47 > 0:15:51and that's a prime example of the fact that it's all in your head.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Nothing to do with being narcissistic or vanity.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Exhale, release down.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Make that pillow with your hands.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02On the plus side, I've just completed this month's challenge.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Extend the arms forward.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Yoga went really, really well.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09It should help my circulation as well, which was a nice thing.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11And I just thought it was a really nice way
0:16:11 > 0:16:13to spend some time with myself,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and to be with other people at the same time as well.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Today, I am going to refer myself to counselling.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Feeling...nervous.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32But also feeling I should have done it a long time ago.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Wish me luck.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42So, just picked up the forms from the counselling,
0:16:42 > 0:16:43I need to go and fill them out.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47So, one of the questions in this form,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50asking me why I want to speak to a counsellor.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55And it's asked to please ensure you write it clearly to avoid delay.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I mean, I'm going to have to be open and honest,
0:16:57 > 0:17:02which is really difficult, to write it down on paper, your feelings,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and make it so open for someone to see.
0:17:09 > 0:17:14My initial reaction is what was I fussing over?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16It was just so straightforward,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20but I feel that, you know,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23I built it up too much, being me.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25And it was easier than I thought,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28and I feel it's just a massive release.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31And a massive relief as well.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And it... I feel so much better already,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40just to think, "Ach, I've not done that," but now I have, so...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45If I keep going like that, I should be more proactive with things.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52SHE SNIFFS
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I've got all these thoughts in my head all the time.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03It just hurts, like...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05The world is just really loud
0:18:05 > 0:18:08and my chest always feels really tight
0:18:08 > 0:18:10and I've got all these thoughts going in my head all the time,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12there's just not an off switch.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I just want to feel OK and I don't even know what that feels like.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Normal day, woke up 5am ready for the 6am-3pm shift,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34the early shift.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Nothing stands out during work that would influence what happened,
0:18:38 > 0:18:39it was just a standard day.
0:18:39 > 0:18:45At the time, I was going through the motions, giving my car back.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I took a pay cut to go to my current job
0:18:47 > 0:18:49because it was causing me too much stress in my old one.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53So, that was a way of eradicating certain anxieties.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I came home, just had a quick beer, playing FIFA.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And I get a phone call from an unknown number,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02which I wouldn't normally pick up, but for some reason, I just did.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07HE PANTS
0:19:17 > 0:19:20HE BREATHES DEEPLY
0:19:35 > 0:19:37HE SOBS
0:20:00 > 0:20:03HE SOBS
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Come on.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Basically, an insurance company had contacted my old address,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25saying they're going to auto-renew my car insurance for £3,000.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Which...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31..just literally knocked me for six. It was like...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35The only way I could describe it, it's like you're grieving.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38You have that grieving feeling, when you lose something.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43That's all I can describe, that's all I can remember of it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46When people say...just calm down.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Doesn't work. It makes it worse.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57So, whoever's watching this, and if you think, don't say that,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00because it makes it fucking 20 times worse.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Fuck this. Fuck this!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49BEEPING
0:21:50 > 0:21:53My profession is my life, it's something that I love to do.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55It's an escape for me
0:21:55 > 0:21:59where I feel I can concentrate on the job that I love to do.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Hiya...
0:22:00 > 0:22:04So, it's been around 5-6 weeks since I referred myself to counselling,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and I had to e-mail them and find out
0:22:07 > 0:22:10if they had some sort of waiting list.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13And they came back and said it's about 14-16 weeks.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16It's frustrating because...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20..getting over the hurdle of me actually going for counselling
0:22:20 > 0:22:22was a big step, it took me a few months
0:22:22 > 0:22:25to actually go and refer myself.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Now that I'm in this point where I'm just waiting for it,
0:22:29 > 0:22:31it's a bit difficult now.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34You know, there is counselling out there but you have to pay for it,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38which I'm not willing to pay for that much, it's really expensive.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43When I get here and when I'm doing what I enjoy, all my worries
0:22:43 > 0:22:47just go straight away from me, and it's kind of made me a workaholic.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49You know, it's everything in my life that I do
0:22:49 > 0:22:51and it's what I enjoy doing.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54So, the worst thing for me would be to not come here.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I'm just feeling
0:23:06 > 0:23:07really nervous and anxious,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10because I've got to see the psychiatrist
0:23:10 > 0:23:14and I'm not looking forward to it because it's just nerve-racking.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It's just a bit scary because I don't know what
0:23:16 > 0:23:19they're going to say and I don't know what they're going to do.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21So, it's like I'm going into the unknown.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So, I just walked off the golf course
0:23:27 > 0:23:31because in the middle of a comp, I'm that tired from nights
0:23:31 > 0:23:35that give me, like, anxiety shocks all down my body.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39And I just feel absolutely exhausted, so I just had to go.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40That's it.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I went in, and I was already upset before I even got in the room.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52And then they just said, "So, what's brought you here today?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:56And I said, "It's my anxiety, it's playing havoc, really."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01They want me to explore and talk about...
0:24:02 > 0:24:05..the event that caused the PTSD.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08I've only ever spoken to one, two...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11..four people about it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15My mum doesn't even know what's happened.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17She knows I've got the diagnosis
0:24:17 > 0:24:20but I think she might be too afraid to ask what happened.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23So, she... My mum doesn't even know what happened.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27And then, she just knows I'm anxious but she doesn't know what happened.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28And then, so...
0:24:28 > 0:24:33I don't really want to explore it but I think in order to get better
0:24:33 > 0:24:36and to tackle my anxiety, I think that's...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39..the only option, really.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41So, I'm just glad it's over now.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44It just makes me feel sad and makes me feel lonely.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I'm really looking forward to this one,
0:24:57 > 0:25:01obviously supporting a charity like this is incredible for me.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07It's going to be a big masquerade event in aid of the Mind charity.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I have got a sit-down meal, like I often do at weddings as well.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13It's quite a strange experience for me,
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I don't tend to enjoy it very much.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Because I'm so busy and I'm on my feet continuously,
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I grant myself the permission to be able to eat.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Which sounds awful, you shouldn't have to have permission to eat.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It's usually quite difficult for me to do these events.
0:25:33 > 0:25:39I'm very aware of people eating, I panic about the times of food.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40You know, when things get delayed,
0:25:40 > 0:25:44I will have maybe not eaten as much, so that I can eat a meal
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and not feel too guilty about eating a big three-course meal.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I will have eaten less in the day. So, I get very panicky.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55But I'm very aware of the fact that I need the food to fuel
0:25:55 > 0:25:58the fact that I am so busy and so active and on my feet.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05The meal was lovely, very nice.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09As usual, I poke around the plate and find a way of avoiding this,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12but it was nice, it was nice to chat to everybody.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16APPLAUSE
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Just sat there going, "No, it's definitely not me."
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I looked in the mirror and thought, "You know what?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"I'm not me any more, I'm this different person,"
0:26:24 > 0:26:27but you're learning and you're on a journey.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28So...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I just want to thank you all for coming.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Please make sure that you take care of your mental health
0:26:35 > 0:26:37and you really think about how you're feeling
0:26:37 > 0:26:38and how your friends are feeling.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47THEY LAUGH
0:26:48 > 0:26:52It's very difficult for me and others, because of the fact
0:26:52 > 0:26:55that I tend to get weaker a lot quicker than most people.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00I don't have any reserves on me, so it takes a lot of energy anyway.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04But when I'm always cold and tired anyway,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08and so preoccupied with everything else that's going on in my life,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10to then detach from that
0:27:10 > 0:27:13and come back to "Work Laura" is quite difficult sometimes.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Do you feel the same as well?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- # You know, I used to be in 1D - Now I'm out, free
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- # People want me for one thing - That's not me
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- # I'm not changing the way that I... - Used to be
0:27:22 > 0:27:25- # I just wanna have fun and... - Get rowdy... #
0:27:25 > 0:27:28It's the end of the night now, I'm absolutely exhausted.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32So, now it's sort of trying to drift off
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and slowly make my way out without seeming rude!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38But, yeah, I'm tired and ready to get to bed now.
0:27:42 > 0:27:48So, today, I've received a letter from my psychiatrist,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51who I saw a few weeks ago for the assessment.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Right, so my new diagnosis is,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00the freshly, newly assessed diagnosis is
0:28:00 > 0:28:03emotionally unstable personality disorder
0:28:03 > 0:28:06with strong schizotypal features.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11The schizotypal features for me include severe anxiety
0:28:11 > 0:28:16in social settings, which is me down to a T.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20It also includes paranoia, episodes of paranoia,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24which also at the minute is causing a bit of a problem.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27And the third part is unusual thinking,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30which is also causing a problem for me.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33I didn't think my thinking was unusual,
0:28:33 > 0:28:36but now it's been pointed out, I think that it is unusual
0:28:36 > 0:28:38and now I've got this freshly assessed diagnosis.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40I'm still trying to get my head around it,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I'm trying to understand it a little bit better,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45and, yeah, that's kind of it, really.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51When you drink most days, you kind of feel...
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Like, you get used to it.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54But when you stop drinking
0:28:54 > 0:28:57and you have a binge at the weekend, it's just horrific.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01I mean, it's Tuesday now and I'm just recovering from Friday.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04# Baby, I'm out of control
0:29:04 > 0:29:06# You weren't even... #
0:29:08 > 0:29:09We...
0:29:09 > 0:29:13..every now and then, get absolutely wamboed,
0:29:13 > 0:29:16and we... Yeah!
0:29:19 > 0:29:22LAUGHTER
0:29:22 > 0:29:25I'm maybe that guy that wants to kill himself every now and then,
0:29:25 > 0:29:29but still, I love my friends, I love going out.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31And this is why.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39I don't know why I do it. Well, I do but...
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Because it makes me...
0:29:41 > 0:29:44It's the placebo effect that makes you feel better in the long run,
0:29:44 > 0:29:47but it doesn't actually make a blind bit of difference to how you feel.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49It makes you 20 times worse.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00So, today, I have my first appointment with counselling.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed with depression
0:30:03 > 0:30:07and I feel that I'm nervous, and it's very apprehensive.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09BUZZER
0:30:13 > 0:30:14- Thank you.- Hi.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19- So, first of all, how old are you?- 24.- OK.
0:30:20 > 0:30:24- And are you on any medication? - Yes, I'm on citalopram.- OK.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29What about suicidal thoughts?
0:30:29 > 0:30:31I've had suicidal thoughts in the past.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- Hmm.- Not any time recently, though.- OK.
0:30:35 > 0:30:39And when you say in the past, what kind of times?
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Erm, maybe a year ago,
0:30:42 > 0:30:46when I first was diagnosed with depression, I think.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- And what about any attempted suicide?- No.
0:30:53 > 0:30:57Thinking back to feeling overwhelmed, what was that like?
0:30:57 > 0:30:59What does it feel like?
0:31:00 > 0:31:03I was just so low, it just was awful.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07I didn't see how anybody could help me.
0:31:07 > 0:31:12And I would struggle to get out of bed, I'd struggle to go to work.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14I wasn't...
0:31:14 > 0:31:16I was putting on a face.
0:31:16 > 0:31:22I was trying to put on a face to say I'm OK, but inside I really wasn't.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24I've never felt that way,
0:31:24 > 0:31:28that although you physically are well, inside I was not OK.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32Like, my brain was telling me that things are just so bad,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34- how can you cope?- Right.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41I expected the session to go not as well as it did.
0:31:41 > 0:31:45I felt like I would be more vulnerable, feel more scared.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49Compared to how I felt a few months ago, I feel much more comfortable.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51I feel more at ease with my own emotions,
0:31:51 > 0:31:53I feel like I can cope with things.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56I really wish I did it sooner than I did. I think
0:31:56 > 0:32:00my own self-doubt prevented me from doing it sooner, I think.
0:32:00 > 0:32:03It was much easier than I thought it was going to be.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05So, I definitely want to carry on going.
0:32:11 > 0:32:17My anxiety has got to a point now where leaving the flat, well,
0:32:17 > 0:32:21leaving the home has become...
0:32:25 > 0:32:30..has become quite impossible, really.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34But when I do go out, these visual images become much more intense
0:32:34 > 0:32:38and much more real and very, very frightening.
0:32:39 > 0:32:44And I personally don't feel comfortable or safe
0:32:44 > 0:32:48with these visual images that are in my head,
0:32:48 > 0:32:53because it gets to a point where I want the images to go away.
0:32:53 > 0:32:59And the only way I feel the images can ever go away is to...
0:33:00 > 0:33:07Is to kind of do what the images are showing me.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09And these images aren't very nice.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13It's in my head and basically, if I just close my eyes...
0:33:14 > 0:33:19..then it's very real, I don't know how to describe it.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24It's a challenge to describe it, but I'll leave it at that.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I have changed my goals slightly.
0:33:29 > 0:33:34I was starting to realise they were becoming very intense, my goals.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37You know, I wanted to do a skydive for Beat,
0:33:37 > 0:33:40which I do still hope to do definitely one day.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44But I realised how physically and mentally demanding that would be.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47And I needed to rein it in a little bit.
0:33:48 > 0:33:54I'm feeling really excited, but very nervous as well,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57a lot more nervous than I actually thought I would be.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59I'm looking forward to it.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04But I've never really had a proper massage,
0:34:04 > 0:34:07even if I've ever been comfortable in my body.
0:34:07 > 0:34:11This is the time I'd now be making an excuse, saying why would
0:34:11 > 0:34:14I waste time on myself when there are other things I should be doing.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20I'm sat here thinking about the work that I've got to do,
0:34:20 > 0:34:25and the fact that I don't want to get disrobed and be cold.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29But I'm sort of really excited for it as well, I feel sort of proud
0:34:29 > 0:34:33that I've got here again and I'm sort of climbing upwards
0:34:33 > 0:34:35and feeling a lot better than I was.
0:34:38 > 0:34:43It feels very strange to have her bones touching my bones,
0:34:43 > 0:34:47and I can almost feel every movement,
0:34:47 > 0:34:50like the skin over my bones, there's no covering.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- How's that pressure for you? - That's great.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59It feels like a xylophone, she goes up my ribs, on my neck,
0:34:59 > 0:35:02I can feel all the bones clicking in and out of each other.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04There's no covering, no cushioning.
0:35:04 > 0:35:09And I'm sort of quite aware of her touching all of this
0:35:09 > 0:35:12and there being no softening and she's worried that she's hurting me.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19- There we go, Laura. How was that for you?- Lovely, thank you.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22OK, I'll give you a couple of minutes, I'll just leave the room.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24- If you open the door when you're ready, OK?- OK, thank you.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30If anything, it's given me a bit of a reality check
0:35:30 > 0:35:32of how far I still need to come.
0:35:32 > 0:35:38I am in almost a denial, I think, that I'm OK and I'm a lot better.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41And because mentally I feel a lot better,
0:35:41 > 0:35:44and a lot of the time I'm wrapped up and I don't really analyse
0:35:44 > 0:35:50the way I look naked or how I feel, it's been good in a different way.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52It's been good in a realisation and a wake-up call
0:35:52 > 0:35:56that I still have a long, long way to go yet to feel properly better.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02THEY CHATTER
0:36:02 > 0:36:0530th birthday today, it's been a massive build-up, really.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08I felt pretty crap this morning, to be fair.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Just because you dread people not coming.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13But now we've had a few beers, it's flowing so it's quite good.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17A few of the lads are here, a few are coming out later, so it's mint.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Really, really good. It couldn't be any better, to be fair.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23I was worried we've got people who are going to cancel,
0:36:23 > 0:36:24because that's what I do.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27As an actual thing to get out of a situation, I just cancel, it's easy.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30But then I was scared other people were going to do it
0:36:30 > 0:36:31and I thought I was coming here on my own.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35I was literally panicking but it's worked out quite well, really.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37HE LAUGHS
0:36:37 > 0:36:40I'm dreading tomorrow, I bought 25 bags of crisps
0:36:40 > 0:36:43and four litres of coke just to get through tomorrow.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45Got my sister coming round to get me through the day.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47I'm literally... It's going to be horrible,
0:36:47 > 0:36:48it's going to be horrendous.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52I mean, I know that already but I've prepared for it, so it should be OK.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55How many pints have I had now?
0:36:56 > 0:36:59Don't know, about nine or ten, I think?
0:36:59 > 0:37:01No, I'll have a few shots!
0:37:01 > 0:37:03- Ow, that hurts!- I love you, brother.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05That hurt me! That really hurt.
0:37:06 > 0:37:11I'm ready to have a day off tomorrow. I literally can't wait.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Yeah, he's well pissed.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16That really hurts my feet, that.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20I'll will be Netflixing and chilling with my Monster Munch, mate.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22That's as much as I'll do all day.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Oh, so it's the day after last night. So, um...
0:37:31 > 0:37:34Yeah, I feel absolutely awful.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Still pretty drunk.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Eating lots of food.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42So, very recently,
0:37:42 > 0:37:48my mental health has declined quite rapidly.
0:37:49 > 0:37:55So, I'm trying to do things that will at least try and make me
0:37:55 > 0:37:59feel a little bit better, even if I feel better for five minutes.
0:37:59 > 0:38:02So, I've been doing my sewing.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05And just sewing in a hoop.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07So, these eyes, they represent
0:38:07 > 0:38:11when I feel paranoid or suspicious of other people.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15Also, we have under here, there is a figure under there
0:38:15 > 0:38:19and it's all being strapped down in grey and in red.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22That's to represent the anxious hug monster,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24when it feels like it attacks my body.
0:38:24 > 0:38:27This big block here, that represents the brain,
0:38:27 > 0:38:29or represents my brain.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33And also as well, there's a question mark just there.
0:38:33 > 0:38:38That question mark is to represent my new diagnosis,
0:38:38 > 0:38:42and how confusing it is and how confused I still am about it.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49# Stop, take it in and I breathe for a minute
0:38:49 > 0:38:53# I think too much when I'm alone... #
0:38:53 > 0:38:57I don't know if I'll ever 100% get over this.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01I don't know if it will be something that will go away,
0:39:01 > 0:39:03or if it's in my DNA.
0:39:03 > 0:39:07# I never win when I keep all my thoughts inside
0:39:07 > 0:39:10# So, I'll pick up the phone... #
0:39:11 > 0:39:15It doesn't make any sense and that's probably the most frustrating part.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Stopping drinking is something that I've considered for years.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24To be honest with you, I don't think I could, because I think I'm
0:39:24 > 0:39:29mentally dependent on alcohol to help me get through things.
0:39:29 > 0:39:32Like, I've got this diagnosis for life, really.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35I'm not going to get undiagnosed, it's not...
0:39:35 > 0:39:37I don't think I'll recover from it
0:39:37 > 0:39:40but I think I'll learn better ways to manage it.
0:39:40 > 0:39:46That image of a recovered life is so scary.
0:39:46 > 0:39:50Who am I, if I'm not struggling from an eating disorder?
0:39:50 > 0:39:53I don't know if I want to feel like it's cured,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55because I'm scared of what that feels like.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59I'm starting the new medication now.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03It's just a waiting game, but the waiting game is a tough,
0:40:03 > 0:40:06tough, tough challenge at the moment.
0:40:06 > 0:40:11# I don't know what you're going through
0:40:11 > 0:40:16# But there's so much life ahead of you
0:40:16 > 0:40:21# And it won't slow down, no matter what you do
0:40:21 > 0:40:23# So, you've just got to hold on
0:40:25 > 0:40:28# Yeah, you've just got to hold on
0:40:28 > 0:40:32# Just hold on for me. #