How to Win Eurovision

0:00:02 > 0:00:04Yes, yes, yes. It's that time of year again.

0:00:04 > 0:00:08It's Christmas, it's the Grand National, it's the Oscars all rolled into one.

0:00:08 > 0:00:13Are the Olympics on again? No. World Cup? No. Chelsea Flower Show?

0:00:13 > 0:00:16No, it's Eurovision time! Eurovision? Uh-huh!

0:00:16 > 0:00:19Oh, the crap singing competition? That's the one.

0:00:19 > 0:00:21The crap singing competition we always lose.

0:00:21 > 0:00:25That's why we're here. Tonight, from this state-of-the-art studio

0:00:25 > 0:00:29that we've nicked from Newsnight, I'm going to show you how we're going to win back the greatest,

0:00:29 > 0:00:33longest-running, most-watched song competition in the universe ever.

0:00:33 > 0:00:39What, X Factor? No, Eurovision. Did you read the script at all? Mm...

0:00:39 > 0:00:40(Dick.)

0:00:43 > 0:00:47The Eurovision Song Contest, on our screens since 1956.

0:00:47 > 0:00:49It's the most-watched show on Earth

0:00:49 > 0:00:51with hundreds of millions of viewers all over Europe,

0:00:51 > 0:00:56with over 50 countries competing annually for the Eurovision crown.

0:00:56 > 0:00:59The UK has an illustrious past in the competition, winning five times.

0:00:59 > 0:01:03Sandy Shaw. United Kingdom. United Kingdom.

0:01:03 > 0:01:05And coming runners-up 15 times.

0:01:07 > 0:01:12Now things are different. To put it politely, we're not very good.

0:01:12 > 0:01:15No thanks to acts like these.

0:01:17 > 0:01:20But now it's time to turn it around as we show you

0:01:20 > 0:01:23How To Win Eurovision.

0:01:46 > 0:01:47Eurovision.

0:01:47 > 0:01:50Who can resist the charms of Europe's most successful project,

0:01:50 > 0:01:52after the euro.

0:01:52 > 0:01:55And who couldn't want old Blighty, these sceptred isles,

0:01:55 > 0:01:59the United Kingdom, to once again lift the title back to where it rightfully belongs.

0:01:59 > 0:02:01I don't.

0:02:01 > 0:02:04Really? No. The music's painful, the dancing is stupid,

0:02:04 > 0:02:07the outfits are embarrassing. I don't understand it.

0:02:07 > 0:02:10What is San Marino? I thought it was a pizza.

0:02:10 > 0:02:12That's a bit racist but I do see your point.

0:02:12 > 0:02:16It can be a bit confusing, the voting, the bad rap music,

0:02:16 > 0:02:19the mind-numbing list of countries you can't even spell.

0:02:19 > 0:02:20I can spell them.

0:02:20 > 0:02:22Azerbaijan. E... Exactly!

0:02:22 > 0:02:27Luckily, we've assembled a unique mix of talking heads to clear things up.

0:02:27 > 0:02:29Have a look at this lot. Does it start with an E? No.

0:02:31 > 0:02:34How would you describe Eurovision?

0:02:34 > 0:02:37A proper sit-down, "you cannot miss it" event.

0:02:39 > 0:02:44Eurovision, to me, is how Al`Qaeda imagines the West.

0:02:44 > 0:02:48Eurovision is massive.

0:02:48 > 0:02:50It's the Olympics of song.

0:02:50 > 0:02:52I would say "camp".

0:02:52 > 0:02:54Crazy.

0:02:54 > 0:02:58Cheese. Oh, definitely. That's the word.

0:02:58 > 0:03:00Bonkers. Fabulous.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02Fun.

0:03:02 > 0:03:05Is "freakshow" one word or two words?

0:03:05 > 0:03:08If you've ever been on an all-inclusive holiday,

0:03:08 > 0:03:12when the staff get up and do a show at the end, it's like that.

0:03:12 > 0:03:15But with slightly more expensive outfits.

0:03:15 > 0:03:17Cheesy and a bit bonkers it may be,

0:03:17 > 0:03:20but Eurovision is the greatest show on Earth

0:03:20 > 0:03:23and the UK used to be the headline act.

0:03:23 > 0:03:28I grew up with Eurovision. I've loved Eurovision since I was knee-high.

0:03:28 > 0:03:35The UK's heyday in Eurovision was when we sent our biggest pop stars.

0:03:35 > 0:03:41My earliest memories of Eurovision was probably Bucks Fizz.

0:03:41 > 0:03:44I can remember the skirt-pulling moment,

0:03:44 > 0:03:47which I'm sure every heterosexual bloke can.

0:03:47 > 0:03:51My earliest memory of Eurovision, I think, was Sonia.

0:03:52 > 0:03:55We were the kings of Eurovision back in the day.

0:03:55 > 0:03:58We sent Cliff Richard, Lulu,

0:03:58 > 0:04:02we sent the best of the best.

0:04:02 > 0:04:05Over its history, Britain has been very successful but we just can't

0:04:05 > 0:04:09remember when Britain was successful because we're so bad at it now.

0:04:12 > 0:04:15Yes, it feels like a long time since Katrina And The Waves

0:04:15 > 0:04:19brought it home for Blighty, all the way back in 1997.

0:04:19 > 0:04:22# Let our love shine a light

0:04:22 > 0:04:26# In every corner of our hearts. #

0:04:26 > 0:04:29So, we used to be good at Eurovision. Oh, yeah.

0:04:29 > 0:04:32But now everyone hates us. So, let's give up.

0:04:32 > 0:04:36I've got a great idea for Britain's Got Talent. Greg, you don't get it.

0:04:36 > 0:04:37Did Churchill ever think about giving up?

0:04:37 > 0:04:40He didn't see the Germans and go, "They look a bit scary."

0:04:40 > 0:04:44The Virgin Queen didn't shirk when faced with the Spanish Armada.

0:04:44 > 0:04:47Did Nelson turn back at the Battle of Waterloo? No, they didn't.

0:04:47 > 0:04:51Yes, we've been getting the world's greatest song competition wrong

0:04:51 > 0:04:57but tonight we're going to look at every detail that goes into making a winning song.

0:04:57 > 0:05:00EVERY detail? How long is that going to take

0:05:00 > 0:05:04cos I've got that thing to go to. You don't have a thing.

0:05:04 > 0:05:07I've got to go then. We've got two-for-one vouchers at Pizza GoGo.

0:05:07 > 0:05:09That's where we're going and you know it. Don't tell them that.

0:05:09 > 0:05:13The only thing you've got to worry about is how we'll win Eurovision. Watch this.

0:05:13 > 0:05:16Ultimately the song is key.

0:05:19 > 0:05:22A fabulous song that can stand alone.

0:05:24 > 0:05:27You need something that's catchy, I think.

0:05:27 > 0:05:30And that people will remember.

0:05:30 > 0:05:33# In love with a fairytale. #

0:05:33 > 0:05:36You have to sit through 26 countries' songs,

0:05:36 > 0:05:38so something has to stand out from it.

0:05:38 > 0:05:41# Nothing else can stop me. #

0:05:41 > 0:05:45A catchy song and something visual and memorable.

0:05:49 > 0:05:52It's the key, it's going back to basics, really.

0:05:52 > 0:05:54And then get somebody cool to sing it.

0:05:54 > 0:05:56It doesn't have to be a superstar.

0:06:01 > 0:06:04You've got to connect with millions of people to win Eurovision.

0:06:04 > 0:06:07It's got to be something special. Danke! Thank you!

0:06:08 > 0:06:12Which brings us to our first tip in our How To Win Eurovision Guide...

0:06:14 > 0:06:17And our first classic Eurovision music style is Schlager.

0:06:17 > 0:06:19What?! What's Schlager?!

0:06:20 > 0:06:22Schlager? I don't know.

0:06:25 > 0:06:29Schlager? Is that Swedish lager?

0:06:31 > 0:06:35SH-LAY-GER, SH-LA-GER, call it what you will. Scandinavian pop.

0:06:35 > 0:06:39That sound, whatever we call it, seems to pop up a lot.

0:06:39 > 0:06:43Yeah, Schlager! Some call it the definitive sound of Eurovision.

0:06:43 > 0:06:47In a nutshell, it's the classic upbeat Europop sound

0:06:47 > 0:06:50that, in the past, has gained a string of Euro-tastic victories.

0:06:53 > 0:06:561985's Bobbysocks from Norway...

0:06:58 > 0:07:01..and 1999's Charlotte Nilsson from Sweden.

0:07:03 > 0:07:05Two feel-good love songs

0:07:05 > 0:07:08straight from the Scandinavian Schlager factory.

0:07:08 > 0:07:13But they both owe a debt to the master brewers of premium Schlager - ABBA.

0:07:13 > 0:07:17# Waterloo, I was defeated You won the war... #

0:07:17 > 0:07:22I mean, I think that the ABBA vibe was absolutely fantastic.

0:07:24 > 0:07:27We might be seeing a little bit more of this one later.

0:07:27 > 0:07:29Next up, it's the ballad.

0:07:29 > 0:07:34My personal preference of winning Eurovision songs are the ballads.

0:07:37 > 0:07:41A ballad, preferably by a dumpy bird singing at the top of her voice,

0:07:41 > 0:07:44all on her own on the stage, that goes down very well.

0:07:47 > 0:07:52My earliest recollection of a really lovely ballad was an Italian one.

0:07:52 > 0:07:56I must have been a very young girl. It was beautiful.

0:07:58 > 0:08:02Ballads have done well over the years in Eurovision.

0:08:02 > 0:08:06Throughout the '60s, '70s, '80s, they were winning the contest.

0:08:07 > 0:08:12Sometimes a ballad can be the most delicious, refreshing, gorgeous thing.

0:08:12 > 0:08:18The incredibly heartfelt lyrics, overdone performance,

0:08:18 > 0:08:20and pretty simple songs.

0:08:22 > 0:08:28As recently as 2007, Serbia took first place with Molitva.

0:08:28 > 0:08:30It gained a whopping 268 points,

0:08:30 > 0:08:34proving that the ballad could still be a winning hand at Eurovision.

0:08:36 > 0:08:39If you just sing a beautiful song, you can't really fault it.

0:08:39 > 0:08:42And I think people like that.

0:08:42 > 0:08:46Our next Eurovision musical style is where Eastern mystery

0:08:46 > 0:08:49meets Western pop history, in a pair of shiny underpants.

0:08:51 > 0:08:54Ethnopop is that Middle Eastern sound.

0:08:56 > 0:09:01It's probably the most prominent sound you'll hear in Eurovision.

0:09:01 > 0:09:05Yes, since the break-up of the Baltics and the Balkans,

0:09:05 > 0:09:07ethnopop has taken over at Eurovision.

0:09:11 > 0:09:14Some entries are a little more ethnic than others.

0:09:14 > 0:09:17It helps when the music represents the countries' nationalities.

0:09:17 > 0:09:22Russia in 2012 had depressed grannies baking burnt biscuits.

0:09:24 > 0:09:28Yes, this Russian bake-off showcased the cookery skills

0:09:28 > 0:09:30of these elderly Soviet sweethearts.

0:09:30 > 0:09:34Straight away, I was like, "That's Russia. Ten points!"

0:09:34 > 0:09:36I hope their cooking is better than their singing.

0:09:36 > 0:09:41Each act is representing their country and it's really important

0:09:41 > 0:09:45to have some stuff in there that is representative of your country.

0:09:45 > 0:09:48The ethnopop sound provided a string of victories

0:09:48 > 0:09:53in the noughties and we decided to get in on the act in 2005.

0:09:53 > 0:09:56Unsurprisingly, it didn't win.

0:09:56 > 0:10:00However, it is our first entry into our How To Win Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

0:10:00 > 0:10:04We have to put our worst losers in a Hall Of Shame

0:10:04 > 0:10:06because, as someone once said,

0:10:06 > 0:10:07"The winner takes it all.

0:10:07 > 0:10:10"The losers, standing small.

0:10:10 > 0:10:14"And beside the victory, that's her destiny."

0:10:14 > 0:10:16Wow, what was that, Confucius?

0:10:16 > 0:10:18No. Plato? Mm-mm.

0:10:19 > 0:10:20ABBA.

0:10:23 > 0:10:25Yes, our first Hall Of Shame entry

0:10:25 > 0:10:28is Javine's eastern-flavoured Touch My Fire.

0:10:29 > 0:10:33A bit of a Turkish feel. Yeah, a Turkish lilt.

0:10:35 > 0:10:39Kind of an eastern like, you know, doo-doo-doo!

0:10:39 > 0:10:42The beat was good and that's where it ends.

0:10:42 > 0:10:47A bit cruel, but where did it all begin?

0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, after two years on stage in the Lion King

0:10:49 > 0:10:52and having narrowly missed out on a place in Girls Aloud,

0:10:52 > 0:10:55Javine Hylton's manager - that's not him by the way -

0:10:55 > 0:10:58suggested she should try out for Eurovision.

0:10:58 > 0:11:03He said, "Jordan's going up for it," and I was like, "Ah, OK."

0:11:06 > 0:11:09Javine was competing in Britain against Jordan,

0:11:09 > 0:11:13who was pregnant in a plastic pink jumpsuit.

0:11:13 > 0:11:16Surprisingly for once, it's not Jordan's famous assets that

0:11:16 > 0:11:19everyone remembers from that night, but Javine's.

0:11:19 > 0:11:22All I think about is the... Not the boob. The boob.

0:11:22 > 0:11:25That was in the selection thing, where you think about her boob falling out.

0:11:25 > 0:11:28Yes, eagled-eyed viewers may have noticed

0:11:28 > 0:11:30Javine's brief wardrobe malfunction.

0:11:30 > 0:11:31# Uh-uh-uh-uh

0:11:31 > 0:11:34# Come with me I'll take you there... #

0:11:34 > 0:11:37Maybe I was so excited and jigging so much that -

0:11:37 > 0:11:41I think it was my left boob - slipped out of the dress.

0:11:41 > 0:11:42Actually, it was your right one.

0:11:42 > 0:11:44Not that I was looking. Get out of my room, Mum.

0:11:44 > 0:11:47Javine's boob falling out? Was that when she was against Jordan?

0:11:47 > 0:11:52You can't compete with Muhammad and the mountain.

0:11:52 > 0:11:55Let's stop talking about that now.

0:11:55 > 0:11:57OK, wardrobe malfunction aside,

0:11:57 > 0:11:59the lyrics were also deemed a little bit racy.

0:11:59 > 0:12:02# Touch my fire. #

0:12:02 > 0:12:04Touch my fire. Can you feel the...heat?

0:12:04 > 0:12:07Touch my what?!

0:12:07 > 0:12:09It's not a lady part.

0:12:09 > 0:12:10HE LAUGHS

0:12:10 > 0:12:12I wouldn't have thought so. Could be.

0:12:12 > 0:12:14# Touch my fire... #

0:12:14 > 0:12:17How she could sing that with a straight face...

0:12:17 > 0:12:20I can't even say it with a straight face. Touch my fire.

0:12:20 > 0:12:24It's a metaphor for getting down and dirty, I think.

0:12:25 > 0:12:27Well, I'm glad we've sorted that out.

0:12:27 > 0:12:32The song bore a striking resemblance to the entry from Greece that year.

0:12:32 > 0:12:37All ethnopop, a woman dressed in gold, fire.

0:12:37 > 0:12:39# You're a fire! #

0:12:39 > 0:12:41There was a moment when I heard Helena's song

0:12:41 > 0:12:43and I thought, "Damn, she's good."

0:12:43 > 0:12:48The main difference was Greece, well, won, and we came second last.

0:12:48 > 0:12:55That was enough to make Javine our first entry into our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

0:12:55 > 0:12:57You see, this is what I'm talking about.

0:12:57 > 0:12:59Poor old Javine, she tried everything.

0:12:59 > 0:13:02She looked the part, her song had a European sound,

0:13:02 > 0:13:06she even managed a wardrobe malfunction and still came 22nd.

0:13:06 > 0:13:09It is over. We are a small, irrelevant island

0:13:09 > 0:13:12and all Eurovision does is remind us of that fact, that no-one likes us.

0:13:12 > 0:13:15Hey, hey, negative-vibe merchant.

0:13:15 > 0:13:18OK, we've had a few disappointing moments but think about it,

0:13:18 > 0:13:22this country has produced the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Bowie, Coldplay, Adele.

0:13:22 > 0:13:25Rik Waller. That's nice, Greg(!)

0:13:25 > 0:13:29Let's take a look at the top five musical styles to avoid.

0:13:33 > 0:13:37The worst style of music for the Eurovision Song Contest?

0:13:37 > 0:13:41Is this a trick question? They're all bad, right?

0:13:41 > 0:13:44Interesting point.

0:13:44 > 0:13:46But in at five, it's reggae

0:13:46 > 0:13:50and it comes from crazy nature-lover Riki Sorsa.

0:13:50 > 0:13:52Looking at him, you wouldn't think

0:13:52 > 0:13:55he's Finland's answer to Shabba Ranks, would you?

0:13:57 > 0:14:01I think I'd steer clear of reggae.

0:14:02 > 0:14:06Reggae, Finland, really?

0:14:06 > 0:14:10Any white people doing reggae just sound ridiculous.

0:14:10 > 0:14:12It sounds like they're taking the piss.

0:14:14 > 0:14:20Riki Sorsam, with Finnish reggae, which is pretty much what he did!

0:14:20 > 0:14:23Riki skanked his way to 16th place that year

0:14:23 > 0:14:27and, a month later, reggae legend Bob Marley passed away.

0:14:27 > 0:14:29Now, I'm not saying they're connected,

0:14:29 > 0:14:33but if he saw this, it may have pushed him over the edge.

0:14:33 > 0:14:35At four, it's Latin yodelling from Austria.

0:14:37 > 0:14:42There's a group called Global.Kryner who tried to combine that

0:14:42 > 0:14:45Spanish-Latino sound with yodelling.

0:14:45 > 0:14:47Why would that ever be a good idea?

0:14:47 > 0:14:49HE YODELS

0:14:49 > 0:14:50A yodel sounds like a cry for help.

0:14:50 > 0:14:55That's the only time I'd like a man who can yodel, is if I'm abandoned on some moorland

0:14:55 > 0:14:57and we need to let a helicopter know where we are.

0:14:57 > 0:14:58HELICOPTER WHIRRS

0:14:58 > 0:15:00HE YODELS

0:15:00 > 0:15:02Then I'd like a man who can yodel.

0:15:02 > 0:15:03Anywhere else, get away from me.

0:15:05 > 0:15:08The audience agreed. This one failed to make it past the semis.

0:15:11 > 0:15:14At three, it's another blend you'd probably only find at Eurovision...

0:15:15 > 0:15:17..Swedish calypso.

0:15:19 > 0:15:21Swedish calypso.

0:15:22 > 0:15:24My ears are bleeding.

0:15:25 > 0:15:28Yes, it's another example of the Scandinavian obsession

0:15:28 > 0:15:32with the sounds of the Caribbean as the Swedes try to sex up

0:15:32 > 0:15:37the 1987 contest in Brussels with a dash of West Indian sunshine.

0:15:37 > 0:15:42It's the wrong song, it's the wrong sound. Everything is wrong.

0:15:42 > 0:15:44And to think, they gave us ABBA.

0:15:44 > 0:15:47Unsurprisingly, this calypso catastrophe limped home

0:15:47 > 0:15:49in 12th place.

0:15:51 > 0:15:53At number two in our countdown of musical styles

0:15:53 > 0:15:56to avoid at Eurovision, it's a cappella.

0:15:58 > 0:16:032006 with Latvia, which was kind of, "This sounds nice at the start,"

0:16:03 > 0:16:06and then one of them went completely out of tune.

0:16:06 > 0:16:08THEY SING OUT OF TUNE

0:16:11 > 0:16:12Just strange.

0:16:12 > 0:16:13The singing wasn't up to scratch

0:16:13 > 0:16:17but the Latvians had a bizarre Plan B for winning the jury's vote.

0:16:17 > 0:16:21They were building this stupid robot thing at the side of the stage

0:16:21 > 0:16:24and then they brought the robot round

0:16:24 > 0:16:28and one of the guys decided to do the moonwalk for some reason,

0:16:28 > 0:16:32and it all became a mishmash - it didn't know what it wanted to be.

0:16:34 > 0:16:36TERRY WOGAN: You've got to give them marks for that.

0:16:36 > 0:16:38They'll probably come last!

0:16:39 > 0:16:42But when it comes to genres to avoid at Eurovision,

0:16:42 > 0:16:45there can be only one.

0:16:45 > 0:16:48This is not suitable for the Eurovision Song Contest.

0:16:48 > 0:16:53Words cannot express how both equally amazing

0:16:53 > 0:16:57and distressing seeing something like that on television is.

0:16:57 > 0:17:00What kind of evil could this be? Cue the music.

0:17:00 > 0:17:04HE RAPS

0:17:04 > 0:17:07Eurovision and rap don't really go together.

0:17:08 > 0:17:12I'm not really keen on rap for Eurovision, to be honest.

0:17:13 > 0:17:18I love it if someone decides to do a rap.

0:17:21 > 0:17:26But equally, you know in your heart that they are going nowhere.

0:17:26 > 0:17:29Yeah, rap entries generally go nowhere in Eurovision.

0:17:29 > 0:17:33But we're still tortured annually by the sounds of European hip-hop.

0:17:35 > 0:17:39Someone rapping in a non-American accent always sounds ridiculous.

0:17:39 > 0:17:43HE RAPS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

0:17:43 > 0:17:45You want them to move towards American.

0:17:45 > 0:17:48You don't want to hear some guy sounding like Borat rapping.

0:17:51 > 0:17:53Is that racist? Hopefully not.

0:17:55 > 0:17:58I think Eurovision is more of a family audience

0:17:58 > 0:18:03and rap is kind of known as being a bit kind of gangsta-y.

0:18:03 > 0:18:08Guns and... A bit too hardcore for Eurovision, possibly.

0:18:08 > 0:18:12The thing about rap songs in Eurovision is the rappers that are rapping.

0:18:14 > 0:18:15They're all crap.

0:18:17 > 0:18:21And one rap act from 2012 certainly made a name for themselves.

0:18:21 > 0:18:26Be warned, it's the interestingly named song from an interestingly named group.

0:18:26 > 0:18:31In the semifinals of Eurovision in 2012, there was a band...

0:18:31 > 0:18:33It's Woki Mit Deim Popo.

0:18:33 > 0:18:36And I BLEEP you not, it was called...

0:18:36 > 0:18:39Trackshittaz for Austria.

0:18:39 > 0:18:40..The Trackshittaz.

0:18:40 > 0:18:44Trackshittaz. Trackshittaz. Trackshittaz.

0:18:44 > 0:18:47Trackshittaz. Trackshittaz.

0:18:47 > 0:18:48Trackshittaz.

0:18:48 > 0:18:49Track...

0:18:49 > 0:18:51SHE LAUGHS

0:18:51 > 0:18:53Trackshittaz' track was BLEEP as!

0:18:59 > 0:19:01But their unusual name

0:19:01 > 0:19:03wasn't the only thing that raised a few eyebrows.

0:19:03 > 0:19:07I think a lot of people did mishear the title of the song,

0:19:07 > 0:19:08which is Woki Mit Deim Popo.

0:19:08 > 0:19:11# Woki Mit Deim Popo

0:19:11 > 0:19:13# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

0:19:13 > 0:19:16What was their song? Something about...

0:19:16 > 0:19:17I'm not going to say it. It's rude, yeah.

0:19:17 > 0:19:20# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

0:19:20 > 0:19:22BLEEP me in dem poo poo hole.

0:19:22 > 0:19:23SHE LAUGHS

0:19:23 > 0:19:26BLEEP me dem poo poo.

0:19:26 > 0:19:27SHE LAUGHS

0:19:27 > 0:19:28# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

0:19:28 > 0:19:31I wonder what that song meant.

0:19:32 > 0:19:33It's lucky it's in foreign,

0:19:33 > 0:19:36cos I don't understand a thing they've got to say.

0:19:36 > 0:19:38# Woki Mit Deim Popo

0:19:38 > 0:19:39# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

0:19:39 > 0:19:42What if it was their family name?

0:19:42 > 0:19:46What if the lead singer was called Helmut Trackshitta?!

0:19:46 > 0:19:48Helmut Trackshitta!

0:19:48 > 0:19:49# Woki Mit Deim Popo... #

0:19:49 > 0:19:52"Table for Mrs Trackshitta!"

0:19:52 > 0:19:55More a case of taxi for the Trackshittaz

0:19:55 > 0:19:59as they failed to make it past the semis.

0:19:59 > 0:20:02But the UK can proudly claim to have put the C in rap

0:20:02 > 0:20:06with our next entry into the Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

0:20:08 > 0:20:10Teenage Life was a socially-conscious rap,

0:20:10 > 0:20:12featuring a chorus of schoolgirls

0:20:12 > 0:20:16and the lyrical talents of shy, retiring rapper Daz Sampson.

0:20:16 > 0:20:17Let's go!

0:20:17 > 0:20:18I am the People's Champion.

0:20:18 > 0:20:20People's Champion an' all that.

0:20:20 > 0:20:24Daz had previously found his fame fronting pop dance group Bus Stop.

0:20:24 > 0:20:27# Three, four On the dancefloor... #

0:20:27 > 0:20:29Not your everyday Eurovision performer,

0:20:29 > 0:20:32Daz was certainly a departure from Sir Cliff.

0:20:32 > 0:20:36If I win this, I will demand the BBC let me defend my crown.

0:20:36 > 0:20:39I'll also demand a knighthood from HRH and that's not arrogance,

0:20:39 > 0:20:41it's just belief.

0:20:41 > 0:20:45Daz Sampson, what an unlikely Eurovision entrant.

0:20:45 > 0:20:46It's time for a change,

0:20:46 > 0:20:49it's time to go out there and do something a bit different.

0:20:49 > 0:20:52He also had an unshakeable belief in his song-writing ability.

0:20:52 > 0:20:56I'm not saying my songs are as good as McCartney's. Time will tell.

0:20:56 > 0:20:58I got a lot of stick in the press

0:20:58 > 0:21:01because, perish the thought, people thought I was arrogant.

0:21:01 > 0:21:04There's no way we're finishing 17th this year. Bollocks!

0:21:04 > 0:21:08We're finishing top five. That's a statement from D-A-Z.

0:21:08 > 0:21:11Man of the people. We will finish top five in Eurovision.

0:21:11 > 0:21:15That was Daz Sampson's problem. He was confident going in.

0:21:16 > 0:21:20Once he got to Athens, D-A-Z prepared vigorously for the performance

0:21:20 > 0:21:22of his life by acting like he was on a package holiday.

0:21:22 > 0:21:24Daz is still drunk, in my opinion.

0:21:24 > 0:21:28For the first time in ten years, we've got a chance of winning this.

0:21:28 > 0:21:31When you're in Eurovision, it's like a bubble.

0:21:31 > 0:21:34Seriously, it's like I was Robbie Williams for two weeks.

0:21:34 > 0:21:36Two more sambucas. Sorry, Paddy.

0:21:36 > 0:21:38Once his big moment arrived,

0:21:38 > 0:21:42Daz gave everything he had in a typically high-energy performance.

0:21:42 > 0:21:43Yeah, c'mon!

0:21:43 > 0:21:45# What did you learn at school today? #

0:21:45 > 0:21:46What did you learn?

0:21:46 > 0:21:50But he may have been doomed to failure.

0:21:50 > 0:21:53When you heard it on the radio, you thought, "That's rather good."

0:21:53 > 0:21:58It was very creepy in performance. It made you feel uncomfortable.

0:21:58 > 0:22:03Daz's stage show involved a very young-looking bunch of what appeared to be...schoolgirls.

0:22:03 > 0:22:07The way we set up on the stage, the grown man with the schoolkids.

0:22:07 > 0:22:10They weren't schoolgirls. They were grown women.

0:22:10 > 0:22:12It was a little bit controversial.

0:22:12 > 0:22:15You saw it on TV, you thought, "He's got little girls with him."

0:22:15 > 0:22:17You see them afterwards... They were all dwarves!

0:22:17 > 0:22:20No, they weren't - they were really sexy.

0:22:21 > 0:22:24Maybe Daz needed to work harder on his own image.

0:22:24 > 0:22:27All I remember is his yellow jacket.

0:22:27 > 0:22:29That's all I remember, that stands out in my head.

0:22:29 > 0:22:33Maybe I should have been dressed in a schoolteachery type of...

0:22:33 > 0:22:35You know, the square...

0:22:35 > 0:22:37Just to go along with the gimmick of it.

0:22:37 > 0:22:41Me being dressed like a drug dealer from Salford didn't go down well.

0:22:41 > 0:22:44# It's been such a long time, such a long, long time... #

0:22:44 > 0:22:47At the end of my performance, you'll notice I shouted.

0:22:47 > 0:22:49Thank you! Vote for the music!

0:22:49 > 0:22:53And that was to ask Europe to vote for the music. Clearly, they didn't.

0:22:53 > 0:22:55Cos I didn't do that well.

0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yeah, the voting didn't go well for Daz.

0:23:00 > 0:23:03By the last nail-biting round of voting,

0:23:03 > 0:23:07Daz was a mere 267 points off the winners, Lordi.

0:23:08 > 0:23:11At least Daz was as good as his word.

0:23:11 > 0:23:14There's no way we're finishing 17th this year. Bollocks!

0:23:14 > 0:23:17Yeah, they came in 19th. Bollocks!

0:23:17 > 0:23:20But Daz remains adamant that rap could still work.

0:23:20 > 0:23:22A lot of people ask me, "Was rap the way to go?"

0:23:22 > 0:23:26It wasn't at that time, but look at the charts around the world.

0:23:26 > 0:23:30It's led by hip-hop. I am not saying I was a credible hip-hop artist

0:23:30 > 0:23:32but the charts around the world are led by hip-hop.

0:23:35 > 0:23:40The fact is, I admit it, Europe wasn't ready for Daz Sampson at the time.

0:23:40 > 0:23:43Well, Europe may not have been ready for you

0:23:43 > 0:23:46but for your truly dreadful attempt at a rap entry,

0:23:46 > 0:23:50you've won yourself a spot in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

0:23:50 > 0:23:55Wow, Daz Sampson. That was pretty special. Yup.

0:23:55 > 0:23:58Does it get any worse than that? Yeah.

0:23:58 > 0:24:00At Eurovision, you get one chance.

0:24:00 > 0:24:03The first impression - really, really important.

0:24:06 > 0:24:10Take a look at Plastic Bertrand. He ran on. Beautiful.

0:24:13 > 0:24:16A bit mincey, nice plum-coloured jacket.

0:24:16 > 0:24:18Running on is a weird way to start a song.

0:24:18 > 0:24:21It seems like you've missed your cue, like you're on the loo.

0:24:21 > 0:24:26If someone runs on, I check their foot for toilet roll, it's a giveaway!

0:24:26 > 0:24:31In 1990, Spain's entry kicked off their performance in style

0:24:31 > 0:24:33when they seemed to totally miss their cue.

0:24:33 > 0:24:36WOGAN: Gosh. This could be a long evening, ladies and gentlemen.

0:24:36 > 0:24:39These temperamental Spaniards stomped off, leaving

0:24:39 > 0:24:42the rest of the band twiddling their guitar strings. Boing!

0:24:42 > 0:24:45I quite liked the guitarist cos he was like,

0:24:45 > 0:24:49"Everybody knows we're faking now. Do we still continue? OK!

0:24:51 > 0:24:53"I don't even know how to play the guitar."

0:24:53 > 0:24:56OK, they came back from that dodgy start

0:24:56 > 0:24:59and somehow scraped a top-five finish.

0:24:59 > 0:25:03But others haven't been so lucky. Ahem, Jemini.

0:25:03 > 0:25:06Here's my guide to making that all-important first impression.

0:25:08 > 0:25:11Creating a bit of anticipation is always good.

0:25:11 > 0:25:13CLOCK TICKS SLOWLY

0:25:23 > 0:25:25Just don't over-egg it.

0:25:25 > 0:25:29Why not get the love children of Russell Brand as your backing singers?

0:25:29 > 0:25:32But then don't spoil the cool by coming on in a golf cart.

0:25:34 > 0:25:37It's always good to make a surprise appearance.

0:25:37 > 0:25:39HE SINGS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

0:25:39 > 0:25:42Just not out of tune and covered in dirty knickers.

0:25:43 > 0:25:47You could start with a bit of eastern flute.

0:25:47 > 0:25:49And follow it up with some of these.

0:25:51 > 0:25:53Mmm, nice pearls.

0:25:55 > 0:25:58Phwoar! Do kick off with a provocative dance routine.

0:25:58 > 0:26:02But make sure you don't take your choreography from your drunk aunt at a wedding.

0:26:03 > 0:26:07Try not to pick a song that looks like you've forgotten your lyrics.

0:26:07 > 0:26:10# Huh, huh, huh

0:26:10 > 0:26:13# Mm, huh, huh... #

0:26:15 > 0:26:19And last but not least, try and look cool.

0:26:19 > 0:26:21But pay attention to timing.

0:26:22 > 0:26:26Greg, are you feeling something for Eurovision by now? Not really.

0:26:26 > 0:26:30We're talking about a singing competition in which Jedward were allowed to perform. Twice.

0:26:30 > 0:26:33There's nothing wrong with Jedward. They've got brilliant hair.

0:26:33 > 0:26:36And they're not the only duo to have consistently performed

0:26:36 > 0:26:40out of tune in front of millions of people on telly. No? No.

0:26:40 > 0:26:43And rest assured, at least no Eurovision act has performed off-key and won.

0:26:43 > 0:26:46That's a relief. Never?

0:26:46 > 0:26:48Well, one or two may have slipped through the net

0:26:48 > 0:26:51but none of them are as bad as this lot. Oh, no.

0:26:51 > 0:26:54# Ah! Ah! Ah! #

0:26:56 > 0:26:59All performers in Eurovision have to sing live

0:26:59 > 0:27:01and, for some, that's a real challenge.

0:27:02 > 0:27:05The quality of the singing is quite low down on the list

0:27:05 > 0:27:07of things that people care about.

0:27:07 > 0:27:10I quite like it when they're out of tune.

0:27:10 > 0:27:15Singing in tune at Eurovision feels like you've put too much effort in. It seems a bit needy.

0:27:17 > 0:27:21One of the most out-of-tune performances ever was Poland in 1995.

0:27:21 > 0:27:25A song so out of tune it could only be heard by dogs

0:27:25 > 0:27:26and certain aquatic mammals.

0:27:26 > 0:27:28SHE SINGS A HIGH NOTE

0:27:28 > 0:27:30That sound hurts my fillings.

0:27:37 > 0:27:42It's very strange because there are a lot of artists that are out of tune.

0:27:42 > 0:27:44You're sitting there going, "Oh, my goodness!"

0:27:47 > 0:27:52The 2009 semifinal, I remember sitting there and the lead singer,

0:27:52 > 0:27:56the guy, he was so bad. He was trying to do this falsetto

0:27:56 > 0:27:59and it was so out of whack your ears were piercing.

0:27:59 > 0:28:01It was excruciating.

0:28:01 > 0:28:05HE SINGS A HIGH, OUT-OF-TUNE NOTE

0:28:05 > 0:28:08I'm always surprised when they do the high-pitched stuff.

0:28:08 > 0:28:12You imagine someone would have heard the song in rehearsal and said,

0:28:12 > 0:28:14"Sorry, Steve, don't take this the wrong way,

0:28:14 > 0:28:17"but you sound like you've been punched in the balls.

0:28:17 > 0:28:19"Is that what you're going for?"

0:28:21 > 0:28:23And who could forget the tuneless

0:28:23 > 0:28:27and tatty performance of faux lesbians t.A.T.u. in 2003?

0:28:27 > 0:28:32The lesbian gimmick did distract from the fact they couldn't sing.

0:28:32 > 0:28:36t.A.T.u. are the worst. It sounds like tinnitus. Horrible.

0:28:36 > 0:28:41I like that they also seem to be dressed like they're on their way to the shops.

0:28:41 > 0:28:46They've put no effort in in learning the song or dressing accordingly. Poor show.

0:28:46 > 0:28:49I didn't really like the story behind it,

0:28:49 > 0:28:52pretending they were lesbians. I don't see the point in that.

0:28:52 > 0:28:55Why pretend when it's not real?

0:28:55 > 0:28:58OK, back to the tonally challenged.

0:28:58 > 0:29:01There was Luxembourg's '84 entrant, Sophie.

0:29:01 > 0:29:04SHE SINGS OUT OF TUNE

0:29:08 > 0:29:10Here's Portugal's 2005 entry,

0:29:10 > 0:29:13who later got breast implants after misunderstanding reviews

0:29:13 > 0:29:16that she seemed a little flat.

0:29:16 > 0:29:20And last but by no means least, it's Israel's 2000 entry, Ping Pong,

0:29:20 > 0:29:22with the totally tuneless Be Happy!

0:29:22 > 0:29:25# Be Happy! #

0:29:25 > 0:29:27Whilst the song asked the audience to Be Happy,

0:29:27 > 0:29:31it was pretty hard, considering what they were being forced to listen to.

0:29:31 > 0:29:33# Oh-oh

0:29:33 > 0:29:35# Be happy! #

0:29:35 > 0:29:40Horrific. People have now turned the TV off because of that. Apologies.

0:29:40 > 0:29:43Don't switch off just yet because we're about to tell you a story

0:29:43 > 0:29:46of one of the UK's most out-of-tune performances,

0:29:46 > 0:29:50so bad it landed them a spot in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

0:29:55 > 0:29:58Someone said, "Why didn't you just stop?"

0:29:58 > 0:30:00I honestly thought this was the end of Eurovision.

0:30:00 > 0:30:03My underwear had gone missing as well.

0:30:03 > 0:30:06Three years, we've given it to get to this point.

0:30:07 > 0:30:08We were just, you know, 19.

0:30:10 > 0:30:12We'd been singing for years.

0:30:19 > 0:30:22Ah, yes, the year was 2003,

0:30:22 > 0:30:25when Chris and Gemma, a pair of unknown 19-year-olds from Liverpool,

0:30:25 > 0:30:28entered Eurovision under the name Jemini.

0:30:28 > 0:30:30Hopes were high, as the previous year

0:30:30 > 0:30:33the UK's Jessica Garlick had earned a respectable third place.

0:30:33 > 0:30:35# Come back

0:30:35 > 0:30:36# Come back!

0:30:36 > 0:30:39# If you love me... #

0:30:39 > 0:30:42And they even got a good luck message from a man who knows

0:30:42 > 0:30:44a thing or two about music.

0:30:44 > 0:30:46Go, "Jeminny", and Cry Baby!

0:30:46 > 0:30:48But it wasn't enough to stop, er, Jeminny from slumping

0:30:48 > 0:30:51to an embarrassing defeat.

0:30:51 > 0:30:53They weren't singing in key, were they?

0:30:53 > 0:30:54The fact of the matter is,

0:30:54 > 0:30:57they weren't good enough on the NEET, as they say.

0:30:57 > 0:30:59They've gone down in history, haven't they?

0:30:59 > 0:31:02It's kind of awful to watch. It's cringe, super cringe.

0:31:05 > 0:31:07We didn't do the gimmick thing.

0:31:07 > 0:31:09We just thought that we had a strong song,

0:31:09 > 0:31:11we thought we could deliver a strong vocal.

0:31:11 > 0:31:14# Love, love's not enough

0:31:14 > 0:31:15# I need your trust... #

0:31:15 > 0:31:18I knew it wasn't right when the song started

0:31:18 > 0:31:21but when you're on stage in front of however many million people,

0:31:21 > 0:31:24we were just trying to pull it back as well as we could.

0:31:24 > 0:31:27You've got so much adrenaline running through your system,

0:31:27 > 0:31:30you seem to forget a lot of what's actually happened.

0:31:30 > 0:31:32# Bye, bye, baby

0:31:32 > 0:31:33# Lied to me, baby... #

0:31:33 > 0:31:36OK, so they were a little out of tune

0:31:36 > 0:31:39but why will they go down in UK Eurovision history?

0:31:39 > 0:31:43I think I remember... They didn't get one person that voted for them.

0:31:43 > 0:31:46Ah, yes. They were the first UK act

0:31:46 > 0:31:48to achieve - if you can use that word -

0:31:48 > 0:31:50the dreaded "nul points".

0:31:50 > 0:31:52Well, what can we say, you know what I mean?

0:31:52 > 0:31:55We didn't deserve to come last. We didn't deserve nul points.

0:31:55 > 0:31:58Sorry, guys, but you know, we gave it our best shot

0:31:58 > 0:31:59and the single's out on Monday...

0:31:59 > 0:32:02I love how British Jemini were as well. They were like,

0:32:02 > 0:32:05"We've let the whole country down, but, you know, we tried our best,

0:32:05 > 0:32:07"so buy our single!" That's so British.

0:32:07 > 0:32:10I like to imagine they had a van full of copies out back.

0:32:10 > 0:32:12They were in the car park as people filed out,

0:32:12 > 0:32:15going, "I know we were the worst but...two-for-one?"

0:32:15 > 0:32:17# Bye, bye, baby... #

0:32:17 > 0:32:20They probably had every excuse in the book

0:32:20 > 0:32:23to try and say it was this and that and it wasn't their fault,

0:32:23 > 0:32:25but they just wasn't singing in key.

0:32:25 > 0:32:28Bruised and humbled by a Eurovision trouncing,

0:32:28 > 0:32:30Jemini at least managed to take the defeat with good grace.

0:32:30 > 0:32:35All the performance wasn't bad. It was mainly just that beginning bit

0:32:35 > 0:32:37and then we were fighting against it, then.

0:32:37 > 0:32:40When we've looked at it back, loads of them are crap. Hmm.

0:32:40 > 0:32:42The only country in the whole of the competition

0:32:42 > 0:32:44who didn't have any ear monitors.

0:32:44 > 0:32:46t.A.T.u. were completely out of tune right the way through,

0:32:46 > 0:32:48not just in the start.

0:32:48 > 0:32:50The track they sent out was wrong, so we were doomed.

0:32:50 > 0:32:52You know, at the end of the day, it sounded crap.

0:32:52 > 0:32:54That's more like it!

0:32:54 > 0:32:56# You lied to me, baby... #

0:32:56 > 0:32:59It's not like they killed anyone. They just lost Eurovision for us.

0:32:59 > 0:33:03Yes, and for this totally tuneless tragedy of a Eurovision entry,

0:33:03 > 0:33:06Jemini take our third spot in the Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

0:33:09 > 0:33:12Let's not be too harsh on Jemini.

0:33:12 > 0:33:15In its history, Eurovision has had over 35 finalists

0:33:15 > 0:33:18who have struck out and walked home empty-handed.

0:33:21 > 0:33:26# Lay lay lay lay lay-lay-lay-lay Opera! Opera! Carmen, Aida... #

0:33:26 > 0:33:28I think if you're going to lose Eurovision,

0:33:28 > 0:33:30you should lose properly. In style.

0:33:30 > 0:33:33There's something rather wonderful about getting nil points,

0:33:33 > 0:33:35isn't there? Yeah. We didn't quite get there, did we? No.

0:33:35 > 0:33:38If you enter Eurovision, and you're not going to win,

0:33:38 > 0:33:40you've got to go balls to the wall,

0:33:40 > 0:33:41"Let's get zero, guys.

0:33:41 > 0:33:44"Let's just nail this. Let's get all bagels."

0:33:44 > 0:33:48Cos people remember that. They go, "Did you see those guys? They were so rubbish."

0:33:48 > 0:33:51Despite finishing at the bottom three times during the noughties,

0:33:51 > 0:33:54the UK has only once suffered the indignity of receiving nul points.

0:33:54 > 0:33:55BOTH: Sorry.

0:33:55 > 0:33:57So it could be worse.

0:33:57 > 0:33:58Which brings us to...

0:34:02 > 0:34:04In at number five, we have Finland,

0:34:04 > 0:34:08receiving blanks in '63, '65,

0:34:08 > 0:34:11and a literal bomb out by Kojo in '82.

0:34:11 > 0:34:14# Pommiin, pommiin... #

0:34:14 > 0:34:17It's a lottery, and some nights

0:34:17 > 0:34:20people will be in the mood for a song about bombing yourself,

0:34:20 > 0:34:24which sounds like something else, doesn't it?

0:34:24 > 0:34:26Joining its Scandinavian friends,

0:34:26 > 0:34:28it's Switzerland at number four,

0:34:28 > 0:34:31relegated to nil in '64, '67

0:34:31 > 0:34:34and in 1998 with a song that ended up pointless

0:34:34 > 0:34:36with a singer who looked topless.

0:34:36 > 0:34:39# In seinem arm... #

0:34:39 > 0:34:41I think the reason she got nul points is,

0:34:41 > 0:34:44apparently, she's revealing the wrong half. Bucks Fizz got it right.

0:34:44 > 0:34:46"This is fine. No, no, no."

0:34:46 > 0:34:48Breaking in to the top three is Austria,

0:34:48 > 0:34:51failing to score in '62, '88

0:34:51 > 0:34:54and who could forget that mulletted vision in purple,

0:34:54 > 0:34:57Thomas Forstner, from 1991?

0:34:57 > 0:34:58I wish I could.

0:35:00 > 0:35:02Of course they deserved to get no points.

0:35:02 > 0:35:06It was a man wearing parachute pants off of MC Hammer and a mullet.

0:35:06 > 0:35:07Good mullet, though.

0:35:07 > 0:35:10Creeping in at number two is Spain,

0:35:10 > 0:35:12lacking any scores in '62,

0:35:12 > 0:35:17'65 and in 1983 with an entry entitled "Where's My Boat?"

0:35:21 > 0:35:23Nul points because A - she's dressed like a magic eye

0:35:23 > 0:35:26and B - she's singing about the fact she's lost her boat.

0:35:26 > 0:35:29People have no sympathy for someone going, "Where's my boat?"

0:35:29 > 0:35:31You own a boat, you are in good shape.

0:35:31 > 0:35:33And the Most Prolifically Pointless Nation

0:35:33 > 0:35:36with a shameful four "nul points" is...

0:35:36 > 0:35:39Norway!

0:35:39 > 0:35:40BOTH: No way!

0:35:40 > 0:35:43Yes way! In 1963,

0:35:43 > 0:35:481981, and 1997.

0:35:48 > 0:35:50But Norway's most celebrated "nul points"

0:35:50 > 0:35:52came from the legendary Jahn Teigen.

0:35:52 > 0:35:58His entry from 1978, Mil Etter Mil, translation - "bag of shite" -

0:35:58 > 0:36:00really was a work of unparalleled genius.

0:36:00 > 0:36:05Thank you, Norway, for being worse than us in every conceivable way.

0:36:05 > 0:36:06Apart from Javine's boob.

0:36:06 > 0:36:10So, you know, Britain shouldn't feel too bad. There's always Norway.

0:36:10 > 0:36:16OK, so what have we learnt so far in our How To Win Eurovision Guide?

0:36:16 > 0:36:19Steer clear of rap, reggae, and yodelling,

0:36:19 > 0:36:22make a good first impression, make sure you sing in tune

0:36:22 > 0:36:25or you may end up in our Hall Of Shame.

0:36:25 > 0:36:28But there is still a lot to learn, so let's crack on.

0:36:28 > 0:36:32OK, so maybe there is some musical credibility to this song contest.

0:36:32 > 0:36:36I mean, you have to at least be in tune, but beyond that,

0:36:36 > 0:36:38it's all utter rubbish. No, Greg, come on.

0:36:38 > 0:36:40There are more positive things to say about it than that.

0:36:40 > 0:36:44The outfits. That awkward banter in between the acts. Hmm.

0:36:44 > 0:36:46OK, well, there is one thing I could say, and that's,

0:36:46 > 0:36:49at the end of the contest, there is an honest and free vote,

0:36:49 > 0:36:52unhindered by prejudice, politics or national boundaries.

0:36:52 > 0:36:53Mm...

0:36:53 > 0:36:56Well, the whole thing is a shining example of democracy.

0:36:56 > 0:36:58It's togetherness, it's great.

0:36:58 > 0:37:00Well, it's half democratic. What?

0:37:00 > 0:37:02It's a sort of 50-50 thing.

0:37:02 > 0:37:05What do you mean? Great democracies like Russia and Azerbaijan

0:37:05 > 0:37:08are at the heart of the contest. You're saying it's not a real vote?

0:37:08 > 0:37:10Hey, man, what is reality?

0:37:14 > 0:37:17If we want to win again, I think we need other countries to like us,

0:37:17 > 0:37:18so don't invade Iraq again.

0:37:18 > 0:37:22I think you can look at Eurovision and our history in Eurovision

0:37:22 > 0:37:26and you kind of see the political history of Europe.

0:37:29 > 0:37:31The evil spectre of bloc voting

0:37:31 > 0:37:34has put a filthy stain on modern-day Euro-relations

0:37:34 > 0:37:37that no amount of bad singing and shiny outfits can help remove.

0:37:37 > 0:37:40Neighbouring countries in central and eastern Europe

0:37:40 > 0:37:42created a voting cartel,

0:37:42 > 0:37:44leaving the UK out of the picture.

0:37:44 > 0:37:47I'm getting angry just thinking about it!

0:37:47 > 0:37:49There's the old enemies, the Vikings.

0:37:49 > 0:37:5412 points to our dear, dear neighbours, Norway!

0:37:54 > 0:37:56Norway - 12 points!

0:37:57 > 0:37:59The Warsaw Pact...

0:37:59 > 0:38:02You can guess who I'm talking about. TERRY WOGAN: Oh, yes, we can.

0:38:02 > 0:38:04Ukraine - 12 points!

0:38:05 > 0:38:07Greece and Cyprus...

0:38:07 > 0:38:10TERRY WOGAN: No, you're not going to do it.

0:38:10 > 0:38:13And finally, Cyprus gives 12 points to...Greece!

0:38:13 > 0:38:14WOGAN LAUGHS

0:38:16 > 0:38:19And of course, the new twin evil empires of the Baltics...

0:38:19 > 0:38:2112 points go to...

0:38:21 > 0:38:22Latvia!

0:38:24 > 0:38:25..and the Balkans.

0:38:25 > 0:38:2912 points to Serbia. You don't know whether to laugh or cry, do you?

0:38:33 > 0:38:35But maybe they've got the right idea.

0:38:35 > 0:38:37Yeah, do what Yugoslavia did

0:38:37 > 0:38:40and just chop the country up into nice, small pieces.

0:38:40 > 0:38:42It must be weird, as a big country like Britain, watching them

0:38:42 > 0:38:44get democracy and think, "That's great,

0:38:44 > 0:38:46"but that's an extra opponent for Eurovision.

0:38:46 > 0:38:49"That's going to kick us in the dick when it comes to Eurovision, that."

0:38:56 > 0:38:58Ah, those pesky Europeans, eh?

0:38:58 > 0:39:02With their sandals, smelly cheese and slightly more attractive women.

0:39:02 > 0:39:04I can see through their game. Yeah, spot on, Greg.

0:39:04 > 0:39:07But we do have a secret weapon in our quest for Eurovision glory.

0:39:07 > 0:39:09What's that, then? Well, I'm not being funny

0:39:09 > 0:39:14but, at the end of the day, we speak proper English.

0:39:14 > 0:39:15Is it, though?

0:39:17 > 0:39:20When I was ten, I had to sing Jingle Bells in Spanish

0:39:20 > 0:39:22in front of my entire school.

0:39:22 > 0:39:24# Ding-dang-dong, ding-dang-dong

0:39:24 > 0:39:27HE SINGS IN MOCK SPANISH

0:39:27 > 0:39:30And then I was bullied for years afterwards, quite rightly so.

0:39:30 > 0:39:32My point is, sing in your own language!

0:39:35 > 0:39:37Yes, we know some foreign languages

0:39:37 > 0:39:39sound the same forwards as they do backwards.

0:39:39 > 0:39:42SHE SINGS IN BOSNIAN

0:39:42 > 0:39:45SONG PLAYS BACKWARDS

0:39:45 > 0:39:46Fortunately for us Brits,

0:39:46 > 0:39:49singing in English means you're more likely to win Eurovision.

0:39:49 > 0:39:51# Whether you are sweet or cool... #

0:39:51 > 0:39:5343% of all winners have been sung in English,

0:39:53 > 0:39:57so surely we have an unfair advantage.

0:39:57 > 0:40:00But language has always been a contentious issue at Eurovision

0:40:00 > 0:40:02and there have been numerous rule changes,

0:40:02 > 0:40:05forcing acts to sing in their own native tongue.

0:40:05 > 0:40:07Here's Chelsee Healey to give us the facts.

0:40:07 > 0:40:09You would have thought that

0:40:09 > 0:40:12everyone would have sung in English, wouldn't you? Or...

0:40:12 > 0:40:13Mind you, no. I don't know.

0:40:13 > 0:40:15Just so everyone else understands,

0:40:15 > 0:40:19cos isn't English the first language everywhere or not?

0:40:19 > 0:40:21Er, thanks for clearing that up, Chelsee(!)

0:40:21 > 0:40:25Here's our actual history of Eurovision language rule changes.

0:40:25 > 0:40:26SHE SINGS IN GERMAN

0:40:26 > 0:40:28In the early years, it was free and easy,

0:40:28 > 0:40:31"sing in whatever language you like, man" Eurovision.

0:40:31 > 0:40:34# Je fluistert mond aan mond Ik zweer je eeuwig trouw... #

0:40:34 > 0:40:38# Ciao, bambina! #

0:40:38 > 0:40:42In 1966, a restriction was put in place,

0:40:42 > 0:40:43meaning countries had to sing

0:40:43 > 0:40:45in their native language,

0:40:45 > 0:40:48opening our ears to some beautiful sounds like these.

0:40:48 > 0:40:50# Ja, stop

0:40:50 > 0:40:52# Ja, stop, mens legen er go... #

0:40:52 > 0:40:55# Jeg vet om en gammel mon

0:40:55 > 0:40:58# En som har levd lenge... #

0:40:58 > 0:41:00There was also controversy that year

0:41:00 > 0:41:02when the Mexican entry, La Cucaracha, was ruined

0:41:02 > 0:41:04by a drunken gate-crasher.

0:41:04 > 0:41:08# Ri kong-tong ti-ki tong-tong-rong Ti-ki tong-tong-tong... #

0:41:09 > 0:41:12In 1973, the restriction was lifted

0:41:12 > 0:41:15and multi-lingual madness ensued.

0:41:15 > 0:41:18The Belgians showed a flair for linguistics, using three languages.

0:41:18 > 0:41:20# Baby, baby

0:41:20 > 0:41:22# I love you

0:41:22 > 0:41:23# Yo te quiero

0:41:23 > 0:41:25# Oui, mon amour...

0:41:25 > 0:41:27The Finnish were less adventurous with this number.

0:41:27 > 0:41:30# Tum-tum tum-tum-tum That's how it goes. #

0:41:30 > 0:41:33But as always, those crazy Norwegians took it to the limit

0:41:33 > 0:41:36with this mix of clever wordplay and facial hair,

0:41:36 > 0:41:39which featured no fewer than 13 languages!

0:41:39 > 0:41:42# Oh, when we pet... Pour chercher la femme ne fais pas de drame

0:41:42 > 0:41:44# Don't you get all upset. Ne dis pas mon ame, it's just a game

0:41:44 > 0:41:46# It's a game Messieurs et Mesdames

0:41:46 > 0:41:49# Place your bet, play the game Faites vos jeux, it's just a game

0:41:49 > 0:41:52# Come on and join us It's a game of girl-and-boyness... #

0:41:52 > 0:41:55I've never competed in a "game of girl-and-boyness"

0:41:55 > 0:41:57but I'm open to new experiences.

0:41:58 > 0:41:59# Skal! #

0:42:01 > 0:42:04But in 1976, disaster struck.

0:42:04 > 0:42:07The English language suffered a beating in Holland

0:42:07 > 0:42:10it would never recover from and, once more, facial hair played a role.

0:42:10 > 0:42:12# I just... #

0:42:12 > 0:42:15First up, the Austrians.

0:42:15 > 0:42:16Mmm, nice whiskers.

0:42:16 > 0:42:20# Loving you, sweet temptation. #

0:42:20 > 0:42:22Then the Finnish ruined it for everyone

0:42:22 > 0:42:24with this ode to a bit of bump and grind

0:42:24 > 0:42:27performed by hippo of love Fredi and his Friends.

0:42:27 > 0:42:30TERRY WOGAN: Big lad. Big lad indeed.

0:42:30 > 0:42:35# I used to love watching beautiful girls go by in my time

0:42:36 > 0:42:41# You have done like the boys do, but now finally you are mine. #

0:42:41 > 0:42:44Fredi and Friends from Finland. That's very catchy.

0:42:44 > 0:42:47It made up for its strange use of English language

0:42:47 > 0:42:50with a fairly easy to follow dance routine.

0:42:50 > 0:42:53# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump... #

0:42:53 > 0:42:56Make my hips go hippety pump-pump, pump-pump...

0:42:56 > 0:42:59People were doing it at parties.

0:42:59 > 0:43:02# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump... #

0:43:02 > 0:43:06Make my hips go hippety pump-pump.

0:43:06 > 0:43:08Something I imagine Fredi's never done.

0:43:08 > 0:43:12I think the moves really added to the chorus

0:43:12 > 0:43:14because it really said what they were talking about.

0:43:14 > 0:43:16It's a perfect illustration.

0:43:16 > 0:43:18# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump

0:43:20 > 0:43:24# Give me shivers all down my spine, ay-ay-ay... #

0:43:24 > 0:43:28There are a weird-looking group. They look like a cult.

0:43:28 > 0:43:31I imagine after this, they all kind of held hands and took a tablet.

0:43:31 > 0:43:34# Let your hip go hippety pump-pump... #

0:43:34 > 0:43:37Hippety Pump-Pump signalled the end of English-language entries

0:43:37 > 0:43:40at Eurovision for 22 dark years. Except for us, of course.

0:43:40 > 0:43:44If we so much as speak foreign, we get an upset tummy.

0:43:44 > 0:43:47Although some of the foreign language entries during that period

0:43:47 > 0:43:48managed to get around the ban.

0:43:48 > 0:43:52# Einu sinni, einu sinni enn... #

0:43:52 > 0:43:54Hold on, what was that?

0:43:54 > 0:43:58# Einu sinni, einu sinni enn... #

0:43:59 > 0:44:03# Anus in the, anus in the air!

0:44:03 > 0:44:04# Anus! #

0:44:04 > 0:44:06You love it? Anus in the air? What are you singing?

0:44:06 > 0:44:11They're not singing "anus"! Really? They're singing "Einu sinni!"

0:44:11 > 0:44:13"Einu sinni" is Icelandic.

0:44:13 > 0:44:15It's a song about arses!

0:44:15 > 0:44:20No... That's Iceland for you. At least they were using real words.

0:44:20 > 0:44:23"Einu sinni" is a real word, as opposed to some acts,

0:44:23 > 0:44:25which seem to make it up as they go along.

0:44:25 > 0:44:29For the next part of our How To Win Eurovision language guide,

0:44:29 > 0:44:31let's see if you can guess what this lot are on about?

0:44:31 > 0:44:33# Gwena mamba gwena mamba... #

0:44:33 > 0:44:35Is it something about wearing a man bag?

0:44:35 > 0:44:38# Gwena mamba gwena mamba... #

0:44:38 > 0:44:42Worked it out yet? Nah, didn't think so, because it's complete poppycock.

0:44:44 > 0:44:48Treble singing Amambanda. It's not Dutch. It's double Dutch.

0:44:48 > 0:44:50It's a language they invented themselves.

0:44:50 > 0:44:53That's right. In a novel, if slightly bizarre turn, some

0:44:53 > 0:44:56countries have decided to forsake traditional European languages

0:44:56 > 0:44:57and just wing it.

0:44:57 > 0:45:01# Gwena mamba gwena mamba. #

0:45:01 > 0:45:04# Kenatu narile, lakenatu... #

0:45:04 > 0:45:07Take the Belgians. In 2003, their entire song was made up

0:45:07 > 0:45:09and featured a series of hand gestures,

0:45:09 > 0:45:11which only left people even more confused.

0:45:15 > 0:45:19Using sign language has been picked up by plenty of others.

0:45:19 > 0:45:21# The war is not over... #

0:45:21 > 0:45:24Latvia's entry in 2005, The War Is Not Over,

0:45:24 > 0:45:26used hand signals for the deaf.

0:45:26 > 0:45:28# A reason to make us believe

0:45:28 > 0:45:33# That someone's the loser, someone's the winner... #

0:45:33 > 0:45:36I can think of a more appropriate hand signal for these guys.

0:45:39 > 0:45:41One other tactic for overcoming the language barrier

0:45:41 > 0:45:44is to just sing less.

0:45:44 > 0:45:48# Nocturne... #

0:45:48 > 0:45:53Norway's 1996 entry, Nocturne, featured hardly any words at all

0:45:53 > 0:45:55and it won!

0:45:55 > 0:45:58Nocturne's a bizarre song. It's like she puts you on hold midway through.

0:45:58 > 0:46:01She says her bit, then goes, "I'll be back with you in two minutes

0:46:01 > 0:46:03"but, now, listen to this."

0:46:03 > 0:46:06Actually, I was watching that Eurovision. During the violin solo,

0:46:06 > 0:46:09she popped round my house to use the loo, and still had enough time

0:46:09 > 0:46:11to get back and finish the song.

0:46:11 > 0:46:13TOILET FLUSHES

0:46:13 > 0:46:18Using only 24 words, Nocturne smashed it with 148 points.

0:46:18 > 0:46:22That's a healthy six points per word.

0:46:22 > 0:46:25So most winning acts have sung in English.

0:46:25 > 0:46:27Ergo, we should have the advantage, right?

0:46:27 > 0:46:29No-one knows what "ergo" means, Greg.

0:46:29 > 0:46:32But I do know that those crafty Europeans are an inventive lot.

0:46:32 > 0:46:35You know they make up their own cutesy toddler language

0:46:35 > 0:46:37to try and win? They sing things like,

0:46:37 > 0:46:40"Top-tippi a-tippi-toppi-top tip-tip tippity-top-top

0:46:40 > 0:46:42"Tip-toppi-tip-tip!"

0:46:42 > 0:46:44Actually, that is quite good. Whose was that?

0:46:44 > 0:46:47No, I made that one up. I mean, that's exactly my point.

0:46:48 > 0:46:50So the language barrier has proved an obstacle

0:46:50 > 0:46:53to winning the competition for our European neighbours.

0:46:53 > 0:46:55But, resourceful as ever,

0:46:55 > 0:46:57they've come up with a way of getting round it -

0:46:57 > 0:46:59making stuff up.

0:46:59 > 0:47:03# La-la la-la-la

0:47:03 > 0:47:07# La-la la-la-la la-la-la... #

0:47:07 > 0:47:10If I had to sing in a language that wasn't mine,

0:47:10 > 0:47:13when I got to a chorus, I'd be like, "You know what? Screw these lessons.

0:47:13 > 0:47:15"La-la-la-la-la!"

0:47:15 > 0:47:17# La, la la la... #

0:47:17 > 0:47:19Spain showed this simple device could work

0:47:19 > 0:47:24with their imaginatively titled 1968 entry La, La, La.

0:47:24 > 0:47:26# La la la. #

0:47:26 > 0:47:28They romped to victory in '68

0:47:28 > 0:47:31and the floodgates opened.

0:47:31 > 0:47:32Sing along if you know the words.

0:47:35 > 0:47:40It's like if you watched a child put together a song for the first time

0:47:40 > 0:47:43based on somebody telling them about music.

0:48:06 > 0:48:08Just like a kid not listening to his parents, "La-la-la-la-la!"

0:48:08 > 0:48:10That's all you've got to do.

0:48:14 > 0:48:17Not content with a simple "la la la" any more,

0:48:17 > 0:48:20our European neighbours have become increasingly resourceful

0:48:20 > 0:48:22in their quest for Eurovision glory.

0:48:22 > 0:48:24There's been "tippi-dees"...

0:48:24 > 0:48:26# Tippi-dee tippi-dippi-dippi-dee...#

0:48:26 > 0:48:28# Shoo-be-doo... #

0:48:28 > 0:48:29..shoo-be-doos...

0:48:29 > 0:48:33# Shoo-be-doo, shoo-be-doo... #

0:48:33 > 0:48:36..er, whatever this is... # Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mange flere

0:48:36 > 0:48:38# Sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-sa-saker jeg sku

0:48:38 > 0:48:40# Pra-pra-pra-pra-pra... #

0:48:40 > 0:48:42# Manana-na-na na-na... #

0:48:42 > 0:48:45And then there's the "Mana-manas",

0:48:45 > 0:48:47which naturally lead to "tub-a-dums".

0:48:47 > 0:48:49# Tum dubba-dubba-dum dubba-dubba-dum

0:48:49 > 0:48:51# Dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dubba

0:48:51 > 0:48:52# Tum dubba-dubba-dum dubba-dubba-dum

0:48:52 > 0:48:55# Dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dum dubba-dubba-dubba... #

0:48:55 > 0:48:57It's quite evident from looking at the lyrics

0:48:57 > 0:49:00that lyrics are secondary, isn't it, really?

0:49:00 > 0:49:02Gobbledegook has been turned to gold at Eurovision

0:49:02 > 0:49:05with a couple of winners - Holland in 1975...

0:49:05 > 0:49:08The title in the best Eurovision tradition is Dinga-Dinga-Dong.

0:49:08 > 0:49:12# Ding-a-dong, every hour, when you pick a flower

0:49:12 > 0:49:15# Even when your lover is gone, gone, gone... #

0:49:15 > 0:49:18"Ding-a-dong, every hour, when you pick a flower..."

0:49:18 > 0:49:20Clearly, they're making it up as they go along.

0:49:20 > 0:49:22This person has not written a song.

0:49:22 > 0:49:25I mean, you can win with a song going, "Diggi-loo, diggy-ley"

0:49:25 > 0:49:27and people have.

0:49:27 > 0:49:29# Diggi-loo diggi-ley... #

0:49:29 > 0:49:32Yes, Swedish trio Herreys bagged a winner in 1984

0:49:32 > 0:49:33with this load of nonsense.

0:49:33 > 0:49:35# Diggi-loo diggi-ley... #

0:49:35 > 0:49:37Apparently it was about their shiny golden boots.

0:49:37 > 0:49:40BAD SWEDISH ACCENT: Yeah, everybody loves a golden boot.

0:49:40 > 0:49:43People love boots. And gold.

0:49:43 > 0:49:46Now, we're talking my language, which is not English.

0:49:50 > 0:49:52Diggi-loo diggi-ley?

0:49:52 > 0:49:54You're proud to be associated with this rubbish, are you?

0:49:54 > 0:49:56I need something that has a bit more gravitas,

0:49:56 > 0:49:58a bit more highbrow, you know? OK, OK.

0:49:58 > 0:50:02Why don't we pause our How To Win At Eurovision guide for a moment

0:50:02 > 0:50:07because were going to get hot and sweaty in our Eurovision sauna

0:50:07 > 0:50:10as we pay a visit to poetry...

0:50:10 > 0:50:13cor... Cor...

0:50:13 > 0:50:15Ness. Corness.

0:50:15 > 0:50:17Sauna. Poetry corn...

0:50:17 > 0:50:18Cornet.

0:50:18 > 0:50:20Poetry corner. Corner.

0:50:22 > 0:50:23Spoilt it now.

0:50:27 > 0:50:31"I went everywhere for you. I even did my hair for you."

0:50:31 > 0:50:33# I bought new underwear, light blue

0:50:33 > 0:50:35# And I wore them the other day. #

0:50:35 > 0:50:40That is as bad as it gets. That's embarrassing.

0:50:41 > 0:50:43"Where have you been? Why are you late?"

0:50:43 > 0:50:48# You smell like lipstick again... #

0:50:48 > 0:50:51"You smell like lipstick again!"

0:50:51 > 0:50:55It's all in the detail. It's not just that you smell like lipstick.

0:50:55 > 0:50:57It's that you smell like it again!

0:50:57 > 0:51:00"Oh, don't call me funny, bunny. I'll blow your money, money."

0:51:00 > 0:51:04# I'll get you to my bad ass spinning for you... #

0:51:04 > 0:51:08"Oh, I'll make it easy, honey. I'll take your money, yummy.

0:51:08 > 0:51:11"I've got my bitches standing up next to me." Gangsta!

0:51:11 > 0:51:14Well, that's enough of poetry corner. Moving on.

0:51:18 > 0:51:21# And we're all

0:51:21 > 0:51:23# Going to shine a light together... #

0:51:23 > 0:51:27Aah, Katrina And The Waves, our last victory at Eurovision,

0:51:27 > 0:51:30and it came just two days after Tony Blair walked into Number 10,

0:51:30 > 0:51:33all the way back in 1997.

0:51:33 > 0:51:36So what do we need to make us number one again?

0:51:36 > 0:51:38You need something more to win.

0:51:38 > 0:51:40You need someone that is an absolute show-stopper.

0:51:40 > 0:51:42Just aim straight for the top.

0:51:42 > 0:51:44Blow them out of the water. You could send Take That.

0:51:44 > 0:51:47# I just want you back for good... #

0:51:47 > 0:51:51Morrissey in 2007 apparently said he was interested in doing Eurovision.

0:51:51 > 0:51:54# Punctured bicycle... #

0:51:54 > 0:51:56Can you imagine? I can't. I'd pay to watch that.

0:51:56 > 0:51:59If you could get someone like One Direction to do Eurovision,

0:51:59 > 0:52:01it would be perfect.

0:52:01 > 0:52:04One Direction! Definitely, I love them.

0:52:04 > 0:52:05# Gets me over... #

0:52:05 > 0:52:07You could send One Direction

0:52:07 > 0:52:10and believe me, they may never come back, they'd be so adored,

0:52:10 > 0:52:13and that might be the whole point of it. Robbie Williams?

0:52:14 > 0:52:17Robbie Williams was made for Eurovision.

0:52:17 > 0:52:21I feel like if you just cover Robbie Williams in sequins... Yeah.

0:52:22 > 0:52:25Dizzee Rascal should go up for Eurovision.

0:52:27 > 0:52:29I think, probably, Adele would steal it.

0:52:31 > 0:52:33Maybe you need Cliff Richard back.

0:52:33 > 0:52:36# Congratulations and jubilations... #

0:52:36 > 0:52:39Cliff lives in the Bahamas these days, so I don't think

0:52:39 > 0:52:42he'd be tempted back to some chilly mega-dome in the Baltics

0:52:42 > 0:52:43for any money.

0:52:43 > 0:52:44Been there, done that.

0:52:47 > 0:52:50Maybe we need to speak to the Eurovision HR department

0:52:50 > 0:52:52about hiring some bona-fide stars.

0:52:52 > 0:52:56Katrina And The Waves, Cliff, Lulu and Sandie Shaw

0:52:56 > 0:52:59were all drafted in after finding success in the pop charts.

0:52:59 > 0:53:01# String. #

0:53:01 > 0:53:05And in 2012, the UK called upon one of the biggest names in showbiz.

0:53:05 > 0:53:0720 letters, to be precise.

0:53:07 > 0:53:10Yes, Engelbert Humperdinck, alias The Hump,

0:53:10 > 0:53:13is the next unlucky entrant into our Hall Of Shame.

0:53:16 > 0:53:18# Mama, do the hump, won't you do the hump-hump

0:53:18 > 0:53:21# Mama, won't you please let me do the hump-hump? #

0:53:21 > 0:53:22Do the hump! Do the hump! Go!

0:53:22 > 0:53:25What's his name? Humbel... What's his name?

0:53:25 > 0:53:28He sold absolutely millions and millions and millions of records.

0:53:28 > 0:53:32# Please release me... #

0:53:32 > 0:53:37Engelbert Hunkel... BLEEP Now, that's a tongue-twister!

0:53:37 > 0:53:41Your mum probably threw her knickers at him back in '72

0:53:41 > 0:53:44and it seems that time hasn't dulled Engelbert's desire to hump.

0:53:44 > 0:53:46Have you still got an eye for the ladies?

0:53:46 > 0:53:48Of course.

0:53:48 > 0:53:51In fact, Engelbert has had the same five groupies

0:53:51 > 0:53:53following him around for over 50 years.

0:53:53 > 0:53:55Do you like Engelbert Humperdinck?

0:54:00 > 0:54:02Yes, in 2012, this singing legend

0:54:02 > 0:54:06was finally released into the Eurovision Song Contest

0:54:06 > 0:54:07at the ripe old age of 76.

0:54:07 > 0:54:09# Help the aged... #

0:54:09 > 0:54:13Engelbert... He is old, there's no getting around that.

0:54:13 > 0:54:15He's the same age as my dad

0:54:15 > 0:54:19and I just don't think he needed that pressure, to be honest.

0:54:19 > 0:54:22And his selection to represent the UK at Eurovision

0:54:22 > 0:54:23came as a surprise to many.

0:54:23 > 0:54:26I was in a hotel room, drying my hair,

0:54:26 > 0:54:31and I could see the television in the mirror

0:54:31 > 0:54:33and Engelbert's face came on,

0:54:33 > 0:54:36and I thought, "Aw, Engelbert Humperdinck's dead."

0:54:36 > 0:54:38I didn't dream it was because he was in Eurovision.

0:54:38 > 0:54:40When it came to performing,

0:54:40 > 0:54:42Engelbert was first up to the mark,

0:54:42 > 0:54:44which may not have helped him.

0:54:44 > 0:54:46# So graceful and pure

0:54:46 > 0:54:49# A smile bathed in light... #

0:54:49 > 0:54:52The song, I thought, was a really lovely song. I think, in the end,

0:54:52 > 0:54:55what absolutely wrecked it was going first.

0:54:55 > 0:54:58That was just a disaster.

0:54:58 > 0:55:01Coming first when there was nothing else to compare it to,

0:55:01 > 0:55:03if that had come maybe after five or six bouncy numbers,

0:55:03 > 0:55:05it would have really stood out.

0:55:05 > 0:55:08Engelbert didn't get anyone's knickers on stage that night

0:55:08 > 0:55:10and The Hump fell flat, coming second last.

0:55:10 > 0:55:13But as always, his performance ended in fireworks.

0:55:13 > 0:55:16They looked at Engelbert without fireworks

0:55:16 > 0:55:18and then they decided what he needed was a Catherine wheel.

0:55:18 > 0:55:21# Free-e-e-e

0:55:21 > 0:55:28# Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-eah! #

0:55:28 > 0:55:31GRAHAM NORTON: Hats off to Engelbert! Well done, sir.

0:55:31 > 0:55:34He should have been in the New Year's honours list or something

0:55:34 > 0:55:36to cheer him up after that. Poor Engelbert.

0:55:36 > 0:55:39He didn't suit being involved in Eurovision, I just don't think.

0:55:39 > 0:55:42Well, that definitely seems to be the case.

0:55:42 > 0:55:46And for failing to spark any life into the UK's great Eurovision push,

0:55:46 > 0:55:48Engelbert Humperdinck grabs the fourth slot

0:55:48 > 0:55:50in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

0:55:52 > 0:55:54Greg, Greg, Greg! What, what, what?

0:55:54 > 0:55:57I've got even more tips and more clips for you to see.

0:55:57 > 0:56:00OK, you're going to show me them anyway, so roll VT.

0:56:00 > 0:56:03Greg, can you at least try to emotionally engage with this project?

0:56:05 > 0:56:09Roll VT! That's sarcastic, so...

0:56:10 > 0:56:13Our next tip involves a vital decision

0:56:13 > 0:56:15in creating any Eurovision winner -

0:56:15 > 0:56:17picking the right song theme.

0:56:17 > 0:56:20Song themes in the Eurovision seem to be just, anything goes.

0:56:20 > 0:56:23Potatoes, petrol, whatever it happens to be.

0:56:23 > 0:56:25Basically, think of subject you shouldn't sing about,

0:56:25 > 0:56:27and that'll be it.

0:56:27 > 0:56:31There is no subject matter that you can't do with Eurovision.

0:56:31 > 0:56:34You could write a song about life on the high seas.

0:56:34 > 0:56:38If you've ever wondered why Latvian songs at Eurovision are so rubbish,

0:56:38 > 0:56:40the truth is, they just "arrrr!"

0:56:40 > 0:56:41Kill me now.

0:56:43 > 0:56:46# Vampires are alive... #

0:56:46 > 0:56:49Or you could go all Twilight on us with a vampire theme.

0:56:49 > 0:56:54Vampires in Helsinki! Come alive!

0:56:54 > 0:56:57This one was less R-Patz and more "Ah - twats."

0:56:58 > 0:57:00None of this stuff ever wins

0:57:00 > 0:57:04but what are the tried and tested things to sing about at Eurovision?

0:57:04 > 0:57:06The successful Eurovision topics

0:57:06 > 0:57:10tend to be ones that transcend culture, language and nationality.

0:57:10 > 0:57:14You've got to appeal to the rest of Europe

0:57:14 > 0:57:17and their musical tastes are different than ours.

0:57:17 > 0:57:18Very, very different.

0:57:18 > 0:57:22But there's certainly one theme that appeals to everyone.

0:57:22 > 0:57:24No, it's not rumpy-pumpy.

0:57:24 > 0:57:27# Love, love, love... #

0:57:27 > 0:57:30When Britain were successful, it was always about love, I think.

0:57:30 > 0:57:33Love, usually love. Heartbreak.

0:57:33 > 0:57:36Love, nailed it. That's all they want to hear.

0:57:36 > 0:57:39# I'm running, I'm scared tonight... #

0:57:40 > 0:57:43A whopping 55% of all Eurovision winners affectionately embrace

0:57:43 > 0:57:45the topic of love.

0:57:46 > 0:57:48But if it's not going to be love,

0:57:48 > 0:57:51there's another well-trodden path to Eurovision glory -

0:57:51 > 0:57:53singing about world peace.

0:57:53 > 0:57:56# Right now in this world There are so many... #

0:57:56 > 0:57:58Yeah, why not? Sing about peace

0:57:58 > 0:58:00if that's what you want. Peace and love.

0:58:00 > 0:58:04# Don't forget about our world today... #

0:58:04 > 0:58:08We've tried everything else to get world peace.

0:58:08 > 0:58:10Maybe Eurovision is the thing that has always been there,

0:58:10 > 0:58:12right under our nose.

0:58:12 > 0:58:14# Everybody... #

0:58:14 > 0:58:19Eurovision is famous for having women in leather and bearskins

0:58:19 > 0:58:21and lyrics about saving the world.

0:58:21 > 0:58:24# Peace will come... #

0:58:24 > 0:58:27I think the songs about world peace are just a sly ploy

0:58:27 > 0:58:31to get loads of votes because who doesn't want world peace?

0:58:31 > 0:58:34# If we all give a little... #

0:58:34 > 0:58:37Songs about world peace have done well in Eurovision.

0:58:37 > 0:58:41If you look at the 1982 winner from Germany, it was A Little Peace.

0:58:41 > 0:58:42# Ein bisschen Frieden

0:58:42 > 0:58:44# Ein bisschen Sonne

0:58:44 > 0:58:46# Fur diese Erde

0:58:46 > 0:58:48# Auf der wir wohnen... #

0:58:48 > 0:58:51The fact that people still sing about it. It's like, "Yeah,

0:58:51 > 0:58:53"who doesn't want world peace?"

0:58:53 > 0:58:56# Liberated voices

0:58:56 > 0:58:58# Crying freedom... #

0:58:58 > 0:59:01Who could argue with world peace?

0:59:01 > 0:59:05We'll get some votes. Most people are peaceful.

0:59:05 > 0:59:09Whereas, we'd all like to see some violent songs.

0:59:09 > 0:59:13# Give a little love back to the world... #

0:59:13 > 0:59:16If there's ever been a song which can instil violent thoughts,

0:59:16 > 0:59:20it's Emma's peace offering from the UK in 1990.

0:59:20 > 0:59:23Never before has a song about peace in the world made me

0:59:23 > 0:59:24want to punch somebody so much.

0:59:24 > 0:59:27This song had an environmental theme.

0:59:27 > 0:59:30Well, it certainly helped a few people recycle their dinner.

0:59:30 > 0:59:34# Give a little love back to the world... #

0:59:34 > 0:59:37Her main lyric was, "Give a little love back to the world."

0:59:37 > 0:59:39Now, I'm not saying that didn't work

0:59:39 > 0:59:42but four months after this was released, the Gulf War started.

0:59:42 > 0:59:45Now, I'm not saying we should blame Emma for the Gulf War

0:59:45 > 0:59:47but she has got blood on her hands. Yeah, blood on her hands.

0:59:47 > 0:59:50Not necessarily a year to be proud of.

0:59:50 > 0:59:51# ..back to the world... #

0:59:51 > 0:59:53Emma failed to make it into the top five that year.

0:59:53 > 0:59:56The fighting continued in the oilfields of Kuwait

0:59:56 > 0:59:59and we still didn't learn our lesson.

0:59:59 > 1:00:01The following year, in Rome,

1:00:01 > 1:00:05it was EastEnders' Sam Womack's turn to try and change the world.

1:00:05 > 1:00:08SHE SINGS IN ITALIAN

1:00:08 > 1:00:10I am alone, I think.

1:00:10 > 1:00:13I rather liked the Sam Janus song but it is corny.

1:00:13 > 1:00:17Yes, the lyrics of this one were almost literally corny.

1:00:17 > 1:00:20# Half the world is hungry

1:00:20 > 1:00:23# Just through being born

1:00:23 > 1:00:27# And every day is a compromise

1:00:27 > 1:00:30# For a grain of corn... #

1:00:30 > 1:00:32Rhyming "born" with "corn".

1:00:32 > 1:00:37I like the fact someone has gone, "Corn's a food. Born - that's life.

1:00:37 > 1:00:40"They fit together." What are the other options?

1:00:40 > 1:00:42There's a clear rhyme she's missing out with that.

1:00:42 > 1:00:44That's porn. Porn, people.

1:00:44 > 1:00:50Eurovision, it's like a microcosm of the political history of Europe.

1:00:50 > 1:00:52Everything that has happened in the past,

1:00:52 > 1:00:54it's reflected in the songs and voting of Eurovision.

1:00:54 > 1:00:56So follow that through, it stands to reason.

1:00:56 > 1:01:00If we can change attitudes and get peace in the Eurovision,

1:01:00 > 1:01:04then one day, maybe just one day, we could achieve world peace.

1:01:05 > 1:01:07Boring. Right, what's next?

1:01:09 > 1:01:12Our next trip involves the reason we don't have world peace.

1:01:12 > 1:01:14It's politics, man.

1:01:14 > 1:01:19In 1990, all of the songs were about the reunification of Europe,

1:01:19 > 1:01:23pretty much. There must have been 14 or 15 songs all about,

1:01:23 > 1:01:28"We're free to live," or, "No more walls." "The future is ours."

1:01:28 > 1:01:31They were all political songs to some extent.

1:01:40 > 1:01:43The fall of the Berlin Wall aside, politics and Eurovision

1:01:43 > 1:01:45have never really mixed.

1:01:45 > 1:01:49Only one song with a political theme has ever won at Eurovision -

1:01:49 > 1:01:53Italy's 1990 anthem about the reunification of Europe, Insieme.

1:01:53 > 1:01:55# Unite. Unite, Europe. #

1:01:55 > 1:01:57That doesn't mean that countries

1:01:57 > 1:02:00haven't tried to make the odd political statement.

1:02:00 > 1:02:02Let's take a look at a few of them in our top five

1:02:02 > 1:02:04Eurovision political statements.

1:02:09 > 1:02:12In 1974, Portuguese revolutionary and keep-fit fanatic

1:02:12 > 1:02:16Paulo de Carvalho burst onto the Eurovision stage armed with

1:02:16 > 1:02:21a 64-piece orchestra and an appetite for destruction.

1:02:21 > 1:02:22EXPLOSION

1:02:22 > 1:02:25De Carvalho's Eurovision entry, After The Goodbye,

1:02:25 > 1:02:29was to be the signal for the start of the Portuguese revolution.

1:02:29 > 1:02:33'It's the birth of the National military junta of salvation.'

1:02:33 > 1:02:37But it wasn't quite the rousing call to arms people were hoping for.

1:02:45 > 1:02:50You always think like punk or Slipknot - "Argh, screw the government!"

1:02:50 > 1:02:53But there's something really nice about a government being overthrown

1:02:53 > 1:02:55whilst listening to cocktail-bar jazz.

1:03:01 > 1:03:04You can imagine the leaders leaving parliament

1:03:04 > 1:03:07whilst clicking their fingers and having a martini.

1:03:07 > 1:03:10"We're not in power any more but I'm in a relaxed mood."

1:03:10 > 1:03:12Paolo failed to rouse the juries into action

1:03:12 > 1:03:14and he only picked up three points.

1:03:18 > 1:03:19In 2010, Lithuania tried

1:03:19 > 1:03:22a clever bit of anti-Western social commentary

1:03:22 > 1:03:24and put it to a disco beat.

1:03:24 > 1:03:26# Yes, sir. We're legal. We are. No, we're not.

1:03:26 > 1:03:27# We're not as legal as you

1:03:27 > 1:03:31# No, sir, we're not legal But we're both from the EU

1:03:31 > 1:03:35# We build your homes, we wash your dishes, our hands are squeaky clean

1:03:35 > 1:03:39# Some day you'll come to realise, Eastern Europe is in your dreams. #

1:03:39 > 1:03:42This is kind of Eastern European attitude against

1:03:42 > 1:03:43those dreadful Westerners.

1:03:43 > 1:03:46"Look, you want us to clean your homes, clothes and everything.

1:03:46 > 1:03:49"Now you've got to vote for us because we've nailed you."

1:03:49 > 1:03:51This one didn't wash with the audience, though,

1:03:51 > 1:03:54and they failed to make it past the semifinal. Yeah!

1:03:56 > 1:04:00Number three in our countdown of the Eurovision political statements,

1:04:00 > 1:04:01it's Vladimir Putin.

1:04:01 > 1:04:03He's keen on the Eurovision.

1:04:03 > 1:04:08Is it important to Russia to host the Eurovision Song contest? Da.

1:04:08 > 1:04:11But not everyone in Eurovision is so keen on him.

1:04:11 > 1:04:13# We don't want to put in... #

1:04:13 > 1:04:17Yes, this anti-Russian protest from Georgia was about as subtle as,

1:04:17 > 1:04:19well, a bullet to the head.

1:04:19 > 1:04:21They argued that it wasn't political.

1:04:21 > 1:04:23They said it was just a dance song

1:04:23 > 1:04:25but it came a year after the war with Russia.

1:04:25 > 1:04:27"We don't want to put in." We don't want Putin.

1:04:27 > 1:04:29# We don't want to put in... #

1:04:30 > 1:04:35I see what they did there. Put in, Putin.

1:04:35 > 1:04:37It even included lyrics about

1:04:37 > 1:04:40blowing the Russian president's brain out. Funky!

1:04:40 > 1:04:42# I will try to shoot him. #

1:04:42 > 1:04:45You could say it was an update of Boom Bang-A-Bang.

1:04:45 > 1:04:47It was actually disqualified. Eurovision said no.

1:04:47 > 1:04:50They actually invited them to change the lyrics of the song.

1:04:50 > 1:04:53They refused and they were asked to withdraw.

1:04:53 > 1:04:57It's a shame it never made the competition, really, because it could have gone all the way.

1:04:57 > 1:04:59# They give me sexy-ah

1:04:59 > 1:05:00# Give me sexy-ah

1:05:00 > 1:05:02# They give me sexy-ahhhh.... #

1:05:02 > 1:05:04Mm. Yeah, maybe not.

1:05:09 > 1:05:12Ukrainian drag queen Verka Serduchka

1:05:12 > 1:05:14was a little bit more subtle, but not much.

1:05:14 > 1:05:16TERRY WOGAN: This is a favourite(!)

1:05:16 > 1:05:18SINGS IN GERMAN

1:05:18 > 1:05:21His hidden message came under the guise of a playful dance track

1:05:21 > 1:05:23with a ridiculously catchy hook.

1:05:23 > 1:05:26THEY SING THE HOOK

1:05:26 > 1:05:28HE SINGS THE HOOK

1:05:31 > 1:05:33And he just ran about the stage, didn't he?

1:05:33 > 1:05:35Ran about the stage with his mother.

1:05:35 > 1:05:38And it just went on like that, didn't it? Yeah, that's it.

1:05:40 > 1:05:42But underneath, this tinfoil transvestite

1:05:42 > 1:05:44had a message to the motherland.

1:05:44 > 1:05:47# I want you see, Lasha Tumbai

1:05:47 > 1:05:50# I want you see, Lasha Tumbai. #

1:05:50 > 1:05:53He reckoned, right, that he was singing about

1:05:53 > 1:05:55the Mongolian word for milk.

1:05:55 > 1:05:58But we all know that he was just telling Russia to kind of sod off.

1:05:58 > 1:05:59Da.

1:05:59 > 1:06:02Despite being favourite to win that year,

1:06:02 > 1:06:05Verka was pipped to the top spot by Serbia.

1:06:05 > 1:06:07Should have left the politics out, mate.

1:06:08 > 1:06:12Our number one political statement at Eurovision gets extra points

1:06:12 > 1:06:14for presentation and downright catchiness.

1:06:18 > 1:06:21Norway's song in 1980 was a political song.

1:06:25 > 1:06:27It was a song about a plan to build

1:06:27 > 1:06:29a hydroelectric power plant in Lapland.

1:06:34 > 1:06:37But halfway through the song, things took a bizarre turn.

1:06:37 > 1:06:39HE SINGS UNACCOMPANIED

1:06:44 > 1:06:47Was it a stage invasion? Was it a bad dream?

1:06:47 > 1:06:50Or was it just a lack of rehearsal?

1:06:50 > 1:06:52The first guy had put in a lot of work.

1:06:52 > 1:06:54He's singing political messages and stuff.

1:06:54 > 1:06:57The second guy, I reckon, had completely forgotten

1:06:57 > 1:06:58what he was supposed to do.

1:06:58 > 1:07:00He woke up and went, "I have got no lyrics so..."

1:07:00 > 1:07:02# Lo li, lo li, lo li... #

1:07:07 > 1:07:10The other guy was going, "What the BLEEP are you doing, mate?

1:07:10 > 1:07:11"I've got to join in.

1:07:11 > 1:07:14"I have no choice but to join in to save face."

1:07:16 > 1:07:19They're supposed to be singing about a nuclear reactor.

1:07:19 > 1:07:22You sound like you've been exposed to radiation, you moron.

1:07:22 > 1:07:25As it was, they scored a miserly 15 points

1:07:25 > 1:07:28and the power station got built, anyway.

1:07:28 > 1:07:29Oh, well.

1:07:29 > 1:07:31# Lo li lo # as they say in Norway.

1:07:31 > 1:07:35# Hey, lo, lo li, lo li... #

1:07:35 > 1:07:37You know what, credit where credit's due.

1:07:37 > 1:07:40That's one hell of a catchy tune. And it's annoying...

1:07:40 > 1:07:41I'm sad it didn't win.

1:07:41 > 1:07:44To win Eurovision, you do need to have all the right ingredients.

1:07:44 > 1:07:46# Hey, lo, lo li... #

1:07:46 > 1:07:50Right. You need the song. You need the performer. The performance.

1:07:50 > 1:07:52# Lo li lo... #

1:07:52 > 1:07:53And even then...

1:07:53 > 1:07:55# Hey, lo li, lo li... #

1:07:55 > 1:07:57Just have a look at this.

1:08:02 > 1:08:05Yes, our next Hall Of Shame is the story of the not-so-triumphant

1:08:05 > 1:08:10return of chart-topping, heart-breaking panty-poppers Blue.

1:08:10 > 1:08:11# All rise... #

1:08:11 > 1:08:15Blue were formed in 2000 by none other than Simon Cowell,

1:08:15 > 1:08:18who saw their mix of vocal harmony and cheeky-chappy charm

1:08:18 > 1:08:23had the potential to rocket as high as the waistband on his trousers.

1:08:23 > 1:08:24They split in 2005.

1:08:24 > 1:08:28But reformed especially to lead a UK boy-band assault

1:08:28 > 1:08:30on Eurovision in 2011.

1:08:30 > 1:08:33# I can, I will... #

1:08:33 > 1:08:35They seemed the perfect choice with their good looks,

1:08:35 > 1:08:38great voices and loyal European-wide fan base.

1:08:38 > 1:08:40You know, they were known around Europe,

1:08:40 > 1:08:42they had lots of hits out there.

1:08:42 > 1:08:44They were certainly confident of their chances.

1:08:44 > 1:08:45Let's go out there,

1:08:45 > 1:08:47do something different that we never thought we could do.

1:08:47 > 1:08:50We'll do a good performance and make our country proud.

1:08:50 > 1:08:52And it seems they weren't the only ones.

1:08:52 > 1:08:55You've got the talent, you've got the looks

1:08:55 > 1:08:57and you've got the whole nation behind you.

1:08:57 > 1:08:59Good luck, bring it home.

1:08:59 > 1:09:02All the very best. I can. You can.

1:09:02 > 1:09:04We know you can. We know you will.

1:09:04 > 1:09:06No pressure there, then(!)

1:09:06 > 1:09:09And as the contest approached, the buzz around Blue's entry grew.

1:09:09 > 1:09:11We were thinking they'd be in the top five

1:09:11 > 1:09:13but the betting odds were reflecting that as well.

1:09:13 > 1:09:15Blue were one of the favourites in 2011.

1:09:15 > 1:09:18They slashed our odds. We were 25 to 1 and now we're 6 to 1.

1:09:18 > 1:09:20By the night of the contest,

1:09:20 > 1:09:23everyone in Britain was convinced that at last we had a winner.

1:09:23 > 1:09:25Good luck, Blue.

1:09:25 > 1:09:26# I can, I will

1:09:26 > 1:09:30# I know I can

1:09:30 > 1:09:33# Untie these hands

1:09:33 > 1:09:35# Get back up again... #

1:09:35 > 1:09:39The song was completely Eurovision-tastic, you know?

1:09:39 > 1:09:40A very positive song.

1:09:40 > 1:09:43It was very theatrical, I thought, the performance.

1:09:43 > 1:09:46# I can, I will... #

1:09:46 > 1:09:48There's this big, high note in the middle and I was thinking,

1:09:48 > 1:09:51"Is Lee going to be able to get that on the night?"

1:09:51 > 1:09:54# When you're gone... #

1:09:56 > 1:09:58And, bless him, he did it!

1:09:58 > 1:10:00# Get back up again. #

1:10:00 > 1:10:01CHEERING

1:10:01 > 1:10:04GRAHAM NORTON: Wow! Well done, Blue!

1:10:04 > 1:10:07But in the end for Blue, it was less a case of "I can"

1:10:07 > 1:10:10and more, "Nah, you can't."

1:10:10 > 1:10:12They eventually finished in 11th place,

1:10:12 > 1:10:15121 points behind winners Azerbaijan.

1:10:15 > 1:10:19They even suffered the indignity of finishing below the nation's

1:10:19 > 1:10:20least-favourite pop duo.

1:10:20 > 1:10:23That must have been a bit hard for them, I suppose,

1:10:23 > 1:10:24for Jedward to do better than them.

1:10:24 > 1:10:29It was like seeing a footballer past his best, just hard to watch.

1:10:29 > 1:10:30Show business!

1:10:30 > 1:10:33So after sending the perfect entrant with no results,

1:10:33 > 1:10:35where does that leave us?

1:10:35 > 1:10:38What more can we do? Really, what more can we do?

1:10:38 > 1:10:41If anyone was going to do really well, I think Blue would

1:10:41 > 1:10:46have done well, so it doesn't really give us much hope for the future.

1:10:46 > 1:10:49So, for failing to breathe hope into the UK's quest

1:10:49 > 1:10:51to reclaim our Eurovision crown,

1:10:51 > 1:10:53Blue become the fifth band to be hung up

1:10:53 > 1:10:55in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

1:10:56 > 1:10:58Maybe they should have paid

1:10:58 > 1:11:00a bit more attention to what they were wearing.

1:11:02 > 1:11:05# Gonna get dressed for success... #

1:11:05 > 1:11:08In Eurovision, you definitely need to dress for success

1:11:08 > 1:11:11so you've got to get the outfit absolutely right.

1:11:11 > 1:11:15You pick out something that you'd definitely never wear.

1:11:15 > 1:11:19Then you want to make it a little bit tighter or baggier,

1:11:19 > 1:11:20either is good.

1:11:20 > 1:11:23So tight that you can make out what religion the guy is

1:11:23 > 1:11:27or so baggy, that it appears to flow in the wind.

1:11:27 > 1:11:30When you put the words "Eurovision" and "fashion" together,

1:11:30 > 1:11:36it kind of... What comes out of my brain is like...

1:11:36 > 1:11:37pizza-coloured vomit.

1:11:41 > 1:11:44I would say the styling was really good with Bucks Fizz, for instance.

1:11:44 > 1:11:47Because of those big colours and the way it was blocked out,

1:11:47 > 1:11:49it really, really worked.

1:11:49 > 1:11:53There were so many disasters, horrendous disasters in Eurovision.

1:11:57 > 1:12:02It's a shocker. They've got these... these vests, knitted vests on.

1:12:02 > 1:12:04Like homespun knitted vests

1:12:04 > 1:12:06and big wide collars, white shirts.

1:12:06 > 1:12:09They were like bar mitzvah Beatles.

1:12:11 > 1:12:13That girl is so pretty.

1:12:13 > 1:12:16She doesn't need massive Michael Jackson epaulettes

1:12:16 > 1:12:18to take your attention away.

1:12:18 > 1:12:20I don't know how she could even play the guitar.

1:12:20 > 1:12:23But credit to her for playing the guitar.

1:12:23 > 1:12:26Let's just talk about the cello player for a minute.

1:12:26 > 1:12:29Where the hell did she get him from, the local council estate?

1:12:29 > 1:12:32What's that all about? He made no effort.

1:12:36 > 1:12:40What the hell was that? It looked like a really bad hen night.

1:12:40 > 1:12:45And the other thing is, they're wearing these bizarre belts

1:12:45 > 1:12:46that almost look like they're there

1:12:46 > 1:12:49to hold their sanitary napkins on.

1:12:49 > 1:12:52That was so bad. That was an absolute fashion thumbs down.

1:12:52 > 1:12:55That was like... That's a crime.

1:12:59 > 1:13:00Don't wear a tracksuit.

1:13:00 > 1:13:03# There, in the distance. #

1:13:03 > 1:13:07A tracksuit. That's not a costume.

1:13:07 > 1:13:09That's what you wear before you get into costume.

1:13:09 > 1:13:13Poor Lindsay. I think they didn't have any kind of budget for her.

1:13:13 > 1:13:14No stylist.

1:13:14 > 1:13:17It looked like she had no hair and make-up done at all.

1:13:17 > 1:13:20It was really weird. Very un-Eurovision.

1:13:20 > 1:13:23Lindsay coming out in a tracksuit. I say respect to her for that.

1:13:23 > 1:13:25You've got to have guts to do something like that.

1:13:25 > 1:13:29The only way you can dress down from that is a onesie.

1:13:31 > 1:13:33Time now for a quick recap of what we've learnt so far

1:13:33 > 1:13:36in our How To Win Eurovision guide.

1:13:36 > 1:13:38Be wary of the evil spectre of bloc voting.

1:13:38 > 1:13:4012 points go to Serbia.

1:13:40 > 1:13:42TERRY WOGAN: You don't know whether to laugh or cry, do you?

1:13:42 > 1:13:44Don't pay attention to voting odds.

1:13:44 > 1:13:47They've slashed our odds. We were 25 to 1. Now we're 6 to 1.

1:13:47 > 1:13:50Avoid singing about pirates and vampires.

1:13:50 > 1:13:54# Vampires in Helsinki - come alive! #

1:13:54 > 1:13:58If you are going to make a political statement, make it subtle.

1:13:58 > 1:14:01# We don't want to put in... #

1:14:01 > 1:14:04Are you ready with your outfit, Russ?

1:14:04 > 1:14:07That's right, next up, gimmicks.

1:14:07 > 1:14:08Where...?

1:14:08 > 1:14:11It's all about having a gimmick, even the greats had a gimmick.

1:14:11 > 1:14:13The Beatles had the mop-top hairstyle,

1:14:13 > 1:14:15Michael Jackson had the glove,

1:14:15 > 1:14:16Nicki Minaj has got a massive arse.

1:14:16 > 1:14:18Sorry, why are you not wearing an outfit?

1:14:18 > 1:14:22Just do your lines, hot-dog boy. Go on.

1:14:22 > 1:14:23The music in Eurovision is so awful,

1:14:23 > 1:14:27you need to have something to distract you from it, right?

1:14:27 > 1:14:28You said it. Dick.

1:14:29 > 1:14:31That's right, Eurovision

1:14:31 > 1:14:34is so much more than just a singing contest these days.

1:14:34 > 1:14:37And the fact is, you'll be left behind if you haven't got

1:14:37 > 1:14:39something to distract your audience from your song.

1:14:39 > 1:14:42The more random and pointless, the better.

1:14:42 > 1:14:47Robots, stiltwalkers, fire, puppets -

1:14:47 > 1:14:50these sound like dreams that I've had.

1:14:50 > 1:14:54If gimmicks weren't in Eurovision, it wouldn't be Eurovision.

1:14:55 > 1:14:58If you don't have one, you're just a boy without a Game Boy.

1:14:58 > 1:15:02Don't be alarmed, but it's a man with a pussy.

1:15:02 > 1:15:05I remember the French guys and they had a cat on his shoulder. Oh, yeah.

1:15:07 > 1:15:12A cat on a man's shoulder. In France that would be intriguing.

1:15:12 > 1:15:15But, really, it's just a nonsense distraction

1:15:15 > 1:15:18from what is a rubbish song.

1:15:18 > 1:15:21Next up, you could try a smoke machine.

1:15:21 > 1:15:22Who doesn't like a smoke machine?

1:15:22 > 1:15:27It's like Stars In Their Eyes every time you come out. Overly dramatic.

1:15:27 > 1:15:29The song was terrible

1:15:29 > 1:15:32but you know, he was covered in smoke.

1:15:32 > 1:15:34That's exciting. He looked kind of mystical.

1:15:34 > 1:15:38Singing a dull ballad? Chuck on an ice skater.

1:15:38 > 1:15:41You think you've seen everything at Eurovision, don't you?

1:15:41 > 1:15:44You think it can't get any more absurd.

1:15:44 > 1:15:47And then somebody wheels out a man playing a fiddle

1:15:47 > 1:15:49whilst another fellow does a triple salchow.

1:15:49 > 1:15:52I don't know how I know what a triple salchow is,

1:15:52 > 1:15:54but I think it's because of the Eurovision.

1:15:54 > 1:15:56He couldn't interpret the music

1:15:56 > 1:15:59because he was on a postage stamp of an ice rink.

1:15:59 > 1:16:02It was bizarre but I remember it, so hey.

1:16:02 > 1:16:05I know what's missing, gigantic office stationery.

1:16:05 > 1:16:08My favourite gimmick is the Greek entrant who came out

1:16:08 > 1:16:11dancing on a huge stapler because it's just so dull.

1:16:11 > 1:16:14You can choose anything and he'd thought,

1:16:14 > 1:16:18"I would like something which you use to attach A4 together, please."

1:16:18 > 1:16:20But when it comes to gimmicks,

1:16:20 > 1:16:22the UK can lay claim to being the originators.

1:16:22 > 1:16:24# See some more... #

1:16:24 > 1:16:26Making Your Mind Up, Bucks Fizz.

1:16:26 > 1:16:30Great Eurovision classic. People still dance to that at weddings.

1:16:30 > 1:16:33What a gimmick. It was fantastic.

1:16:33 > 1:16:37Isn't it incredible that that blew people's minds at the time.

1:16:37 > 1:16:40One of the first wardrobe malfunctions ever,

1:16:40 > 1:16:43beating Janet Jackson by 7,000 years.

1:16:43 > 1:16:46Bucks Fizz made ripping someone else's clothes off popular.

1:16:46 > 1:16:49I mean, you do that on a Eurovision stage, everyone cheers.

1:16:49 > 1:16:52You do it in a high street in Birmingham...

1:16:52 > 1:16:54I'm facing four to six years.

1:16:54 > 1:16:55When it comes to adding

1:16:55 > 1:16:56to your performance, there may be

1:16:56 > 1:16:58a few less extreme measures.

1:16:58 > 1:17:02You could try busting a move and throwing a few crazy shapes.

1:17:02 > 1:17:06There was a time at Eurovision when you weren't even allowed to dance.

1:17:06 > 1:17:09You had to stand still on the spot and perform your song.

1:17:09 > 1:17:12What would they have thought if they had fast-forwarded to now?

1:17:15 > 1:17:17I think a dance routine's important

1:17:17 > 1:17:19because often you don't know what they're singing about.

1:17:19 > 1:17:21It makes it clear what the emotion is.

1:17:21 > 1:17:24If someone is doing a backflip, they're probably not

1:17:24 > 1:17:27singing about the death of their mother - unless that's how she died.

1:17:27 > 1:17:30It does make you worry about countries

1:17:30 > 1:17:33when you see their dancing on Eurovision.

1:17:33 > 1:17:36It has to be something that's really catchy

1:17:36 > 1:17:38and maybe everyone else can do.

1:17:38 > 1:17:41If you have a bad song, it's very easy...

1:17:41 > 1:17:43to hand gesture your way out of it.

1:17:45 > 1:17:49If you look at Brotherhood Of Man, they were going for it.

1:17:49 > 1:17:52It was a different time but it was very important to those acts.

1:17:52 > 1:17:55People still remember the Brotherhood Of Man,

1:17:55 > 1:17:57their little dance, don't they?

1:17:57 > 1:18:00# Save all your kisses for me... #

1:18:00 > 1:18:02Yeah, he did a bit of that

1:18:02 > 1:18:05and a bit of bum shake which everyone can do.

1:18:05 > 1:18:08But it looks really good and it's something easy.

1:18:08 > 1:18:10Yes, it's easy to learn

1:18:10 > 1:18:13but it bears a striking resemblance to another well-known dance routine.

1:18:13 > 1:18:16Save all your kisses for me, Bye-bye, baby.

1:18:16 > 1:18:18# Oh, oh, oh oh

1:18:18 > 1:18:21# Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh oh... #

1:18:21 > 1:18:23There are similarities, right?

1:18:23 > 1:18:27Now, Greg, you like a laugh. I certainly do, Russ.

1:18:27 > 1:18:30Well, you're going to love this next section

1:18:30 > 1:18:33because it's all about the great novelty songs.

1:18:33 > 1:18:34What, all of them?

1:18:34 > 1:18:36No, not all of them.

1:18:36 > 1:18:37Greg, this is our chance to experience

1:18:37 > 1:18:39the very best of European comedy.

1:18:39 > 1:18:43Well, OK, I guess it's safe to say there'll be no Germans in this section.

1:18:43 > 1:18:48I think that's a bit unfair. Germans have done loads of funny stuff. Like what?

1:18:48 > 1:18:49Mm.

1:18:51 > 1:18:54Eurovision isn't all politics, ballads and transsexual divas,

1:18:54 > 1:18:57it's also a gut-busting, corset-popping hoot.

1:18:57 > 1:19:00There's nothing the Eurovision fans love more than a comedy song

1:19:00 > 1:19:02to lighten proceedings.

1:19:02 > 1:19:06But do we stand a chance of winning Eurovision with a novelty song?

1:19:06 > 1:19:09I don't think we should try a comedy entry, no.

1:19:09 > 1:19:11We're a country that's meant to have the best

1:19:11 > 1:19:13sense of humour in the world.

1:19:13 > 1:19:15So let's go with a little bit of fun.

1:19:15 > 1:19:19Eurovision novelty songs. Should we? Or shouldn't we?

1:19:19 > 1:19:22Well, at least they given us a few laughs, right?

1:19:22 > 1:19:25See if this lot get you rolling in the aisles as we look back

1:19:25 > 1:19:28at the finest moments in Eurovision comedy history

1:19:28 > 1:19:31in the How To Win Eurovision novelty song top five.

1:19:32 > 1:19:36At five, it's 2008 entry Leto Svet.

1:19:36 > 1:19:40Performed by Estonian comedy trio Crazy Radio,

1:19:40 > 1:19:42it tells the story of...

1:19:42 > 1:19:45Leto Svet? What's it all about?

1:19:45 > 1:19:47I haven't got a clue.

1:19:47 > 1:19:49Isn't it something about vegetables?

1:19:56 > 1:19:59Apparently they're singing about potatoes and onions

1:19:59 > 1:20:00and this sort of stuff.

1:20:00 > 1:20:03I imagine that's what Jamie Oliver's nightmares look like.

1:20:05 > 1:20:07The thing I like about Leto Svet

1:20:07 > 1:20:10is it sounds like a sort of '80s car chase with slap bass

1:20:10 > 1:20:14but the lyrics are written by someone that's really stoned.

1:20:14 > 1:20:16How did it go again now?

1:20:16 > 1:20:17# Leto svet

1:20:17 > 1:20:19# Leto, leto svet... #

1:20:19 > 1:20:21That was good.

1:20:21 > 1:20:23It wasn't just a catchy chorus.

1:20:23 > 1:20:27There were exploding accordions.

1:20:27 > 1:20:29Dancing girls.

1:20:29 > 1:20:32Oh, and sex with pianos.

1:20:32 > 1:20:33Not exactly groundbreaking comedy

1:20:33 > 1:20:36but the Estonians love this stuff, apparently.

1:20:36 > 1:20:37The judges didn't see the funny side

1:20:37 > 1:20:40and it didn't even make it past the semis.

1:20:44 > 1:20:48At number four, Ireland perform the last rites on their illustrious

1:20:48 > 1:20:51Eurovision past with the help of a comedy rubber turkey.

1:20:53 > 1:20:55# Oh, Europe

1:20:55 > 1:20:58# Where, oh where

1:20:58 > 1:21:01# Did it all go wrong? #

1:21:03 > 1:21:06The song that year quoted, "Europe, where did it all go wrong?"

1:21:06 > 1:21:08It's really a comment on Ireland's place in Eurovision

1:21:08 > 1:21:10in the modern era.

1:21:10 > 1:21:11# Irelande, douze points

1:21:11 > 1:21:13# Irelande, douze points... #

1:21:13 > 1:21:16There is word that Ireland really didn't want to win

1:21:16 > 1:21:18and Dustin sure made sure of that.

1:21:20 > 1:21:23Dustin the Turkey is a popular celebrity in Ireland

1:21:23 > 1:21:26but it seems this comedy bird just didn't take flight.

1:21:26 > 1:21:30It's just a terrible mistake to put something in that only works in

1:21:30 > 1:21:34your own country cos you're the only people who can't vote for it.

1:21:34 > 1:21:36# G'day, Austria Bonjour, Serbia... #

1:21:36 > 1:21:39By the end, the Serbian audience failed to swallow up Dustin's

1:21:39 > 1:21:43zany brand of xenophobic humour and made their feelings known.

1:21:43 > 1:21:46# And don't forget the Swiss. # BOOING

1:21:46 > 1:21:47There's booing.

1:21:47 > 1:21:50There is. I couldn't understand a word.

1:21:50 > 1:21:54It proves that if you go too far down the parody line,

1:21:54 > 1:21:56Europe will nip you in the nose.

1:21:56 > 1:21:59At number three, it's Israel's turn to get it wrong.

1:21:59 > 1:22:02The Israeli entry in 1987, Lazy Bums,

1:22:02 > 1:22:05was a bit of a controversial choice.

1:22:05 > 1:22:07It gave this laugh-a-minute duo the chance to showcase

1:22:07 > 1:22:09the best in Israeli comedy.

1:22:11 > 1:22:13I'd hate to see the worst.

1:22:13 > 1:22:18Israel 1987, Lazy Bums. It's a classic example of how comedy

1:22:18 > 1:22:24doesn't really transfer out of your own country to anyone else's.

1:22:24 > 1:22:27The Bum Song tells the story of the everyday routine of a lazy slob

1:22:27 > 1:22:30who likes nothing more than sitting on his arse all day.

1:22:36 > 1:22:39But the Israeli government failed to see the joke.

1:22:39 > 1:22:40So when Lazy Bums turned up for Israel

1:22:40 > 1:22:43and looked a bit like the Blues Brothers, apparently some

1:22:43 > 1:22:47minister was going to resign if they were allowed to perform it.

1:22:47 > 1:22:49Do you not have more pressing issues in Israel, no?

1:22:54 > 1:22:56The rest of Europe, I think,

1:22:56 > 1:22:59watched that pretty baffled as to what was going on.

1:23:01 > 1:23:04And if you aren't baffled by that one, try number two.

1:23:16 > 1:23:20He came on stage with a set of stuffed animals

1:23:20 > 1:23:23and did a very alternative piece.

1:23:24 > 1:23:27Alfie looks like the sort of guy who would come to your school to give

1:23:27 > 1:23:31a talk about drugs but you'd think, "Alfie, you're definitely ON drugs."

1:23:31 > 1:23:34But Alf's hip-thrusting celebration of the animal kingdom

1:23:34 > 1:23:36wasn't to everyone's taste.

1:23:36 > 1:23:40He couldn't sing, basically. He wasn't that much of a singer.

1:23:40 > 1:23:42But he tried to bring the fun element into it.

1:23:44 > 1:23:46And he did a bit of stupid dancing.

1:23:48 > 1:23:52A good illustration of why Europeans aren't funny.

1:23:52 > 1:23:56FOREIGN ACCENT: This man with the hips and the dancing! So funny!

1:23:56 > 1:23:58Irreverent of some kind.

1:23:58 > 1:24:03Despite finishing a respectable sixth, Alf was far from satisfied.

1:24:03 > 1:24:07Number six, me? No. I'm disappointed!

1:24:07 > 1:24:11He dropped the F bomb, live on BBC Three.

1:24:11 > 1:24:14I hate this contest. BLEEP.

1:24:14 > 1:24:17Apologies on behalf on the BBC for that language.

1:24:17 > 1:24:19This is a live programme.

1:24:19 > 1:24:23Officially the most rock and roll moment in Eurovision by a long shot.

1:24:27 > 1:24:28But our number one comedy entry

1:24:28 > 1:24:32is an Eastern European exercise in mind control.

1:24:32 > 1:24:35# We're the winners of Eurovision... #

1:24:35 > 1:24:37# We are, we are

1:24:37 > 1:24:39# We are, we are... #

1:24:39 > 1:24:41I think We Are The Winners Of Eurovision

1:24:41 > 1:24:44was so blatant that it was kind of brilliant.

1:24:44 > 1:24:47# Vote-Vote-Vote for the winners... #

1:24:47 > 1:24:50They tried to do the whole "act confident and you know,

1:24:50 > 1:24:52"that confidence will rub off onto others".

1:24:52 > 1:24:53# We are the winners... #

1:24:53 > 1:24:57Yes, this sharp-suited band of brothers tried to win over

1:24:57 > 1:24:59the audience with a mix of supreme confidence...

1:24:59 > 1:25:02# We are the winners of Eurovision... #

1:25:02 > 1:25:06..and just a smattering of unhinged dancing.

1:25:10 > 1:25:12Check out the bald guy as well.

1:25:12 > 1:25:15He's doing a kind of early Lithuanian version of Harlem Shake.

1:25:18 > 1:25:20British people wouldn't like that.

1:25:20 > 1:25:22The British version would have been...

1:25:22 > 1:25:25"We're a bit shit, so give us 18th."

1:25:25 > 1:25:30And that's probably the message that people read into most of our songs.

1:25:30 > 1:25:31# We are, we are

1:25:31 > 1:25:34# We are the winners... #

1:25:34 > 1:25:35I like the idea that they've thought,

1:25:35 > 1:25:39"There's some kind of Jedi mind trick. They'll never see through what we're trying to do here."

1:25:39 > 1:25:42It's like some Orwellian version of the Eurovision Song Contest

1:25:42 > 1:25:45where there's only one button and you can only choose them.

1:25:45 > 1:25:48But at the end of the day, no-one likes a smart arse.

1:25:48 > 1:25:52# We're the winners of Eurovision. #

1:25:52 > 1:25:55Did they win? No, did they BLEEP!

1:25:55 > 1:25:56Vote!

1:25:56 > 1:26:00No, it didn't win but it came a respectable sixth.

1:26:00 > 1:26:04Novelty songs may not have provided many winners but it didn't stop

1:26:04 > 1:26:09one UK act from attempting a bit of light-hearted fun back in 2007.

1:26:09 > 1:26:12Unsurprisingly, it earned them a spot in our Hall Of Shame.

1:26:14 > 1:26:18Yes, the next unlucky entrant in our Hall Of Shame are, of course, Scooch.

1:26:18 > 1:26:22They had a track record of cheesy pop with a string of hit singles

1:26:22 > 1:26:23in the national charts.

1:26:23 > 1:26:26# More than I needed to know... #

1:26:26 > 1:26:28# The best is yet to come... #

1:26:28 > 1:26:31So they were upbeat about their chances of winning

1:26:31 > 1:26:32with a novelty song.

1:26:32 > 1:26:39Obviously, our song was very tongue-in-cheek and it was fun

1:26:39 > 1:26:42but we took what we were doing seriously.

1:26:42 > 1:26:45We knew we weren't the next Beatles.

1:26:45 > 1:26:47Mm, definitely not the next Beatles.

1:26:47 > 1:26:51In fact, Scooch were very nearly not the next Eurovision entry

1:26:51 > 1:26:52that year.

1:26:52 > 1:26:54The writing was on the wall for Scooch,

1:26:54 > 1:26:57right from the beginning, because on the night of Making Your Mind Up,

1:26:57 > 1:26:59Terry goes and announces the wrong winner.

1:26:59 > 1:27:00Cyndi.

1:27:00 > 1:27:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Scooch!

1:27:03 > 1:27:06Sorry, it is Scooch! It's Scooch!

1:27:06 > 1:27:08I felt so sorry for Sir Terry that night.

1:27:08 > 1:27:11But almost worse for Fearne, because she had to be the one to

1:27:11 > 1:27:16step in and go, "No, no, Terry, it's Scooch. It's not Cyndi." Awful.

1:27:16 > 1:27:20Or, conspiracy theorists - maybe Terry was right

1:27:20 > 1:27:23and Cyndi could have gone on to win.

1:27:23 > 1:27:28Right or wrong, Scooch went to Eurovision that year, aiming to show

1:27:28 > 1:27:31Europe that we Brits can do camp Eurovision as well as the next man.

1:27:31 > 1:27:35We thought, "Guess what, you don't think we take it seriously?"

1:27:35 > 1:27:39Here we show we're laughing at ourselves, we're flying the flag,

1:27:39 > 1:27:41it's camp, it's funny, we can all sing it.

1:27:41 > 1:27:43The image was great, because you knew instantly,

1:27:43 > 1:27:45with the uniforms on and flying the flag.

1:27:45 > 1:27:48They tried to, like, milk every facet, starting with

1:27:48 > 1:27:53the uniforms, like, everyone loves a uniform, so they got that right.

1:27:53 > 1:27:58Poor old Scooch. The British public thought it was funny!

1:27:58 > 1:28:00And yeah, it's hilarious,

1:28:00 > 1:28:04until they show up on the day and then they have to do it.

1:28:04 > 1:28:07And it's really not funny in the hall.

1:28:07 > 1:28:11It was a kind of post-modern entry, with those sort of references.

1:28:11 > 1:28:13But if they had seen the Slovenian air hostesses,

1:28:13 > 1:28:17the drag queens, who had done the show a couple of years before, they

1:28:17 > 1:28:21might have known that they weren't doing something all that original.

1:28:24 > 1:28:26We were British Airways and they were easyJet.

1:28:26 > 1:28:28THEY LAUGH

1:28:28 > 1:28:30Uniforms aside, Flying The Flag was also

1:28:30 > 1:28:34remembered for the use of some rather unsubtle innuendo.

1:28:34 > 1:28:37"Would you like something to suck on, lads?"

1:28:37 > 1:28:40Not quite, Javine.

1:28:40 > 1:28:42Would you like something to suck on for...?

1:28:42 > 1:28:44Almost.

1:28:44 > 1:28:46I can't do it! All right.

1:28:46 > 1:28:48Would you like something to suck on...?

1:28:48 > 1:28:52Would you like something to suck on for the...?

1:28:52 > 1:28:55I think what she's trying to say is...

1:28:55 > 1:28:57Would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?

1:28:57 > 1:28:59Wow, he said that in a quite aggressive way.

1:28:59 > 1:29:02"Do you want something to suck on before landing?"

1:29:02 > 1:29:05It certainly wouldn't wash with the nation's favourite children's TV show.

1:29:05 > 1:29:08My favourite thing is when they went on Blue Peter, kids are watching,

1:29:08 > 1:29:11they couldn't do the thing about having something to suck on landing.

1:29:11 > 1:29:13He had to go, "Would you like a sweet, sir?"

1:29:13 > 1:29:15And looked annoyed about having to change it.

1:29:15 > 1:29:18# Flying the flag for you... #

1:29:18 > 1:29:19Would you like a sweet, sir?

1:29:19 > 1:29:23On the night, Flying The Flag failed to take off.

1:29:23 > 1:29:26So, where exactly did it land in the end? We came second...

1:29:26 > 1:29:28CHEERING

1:29:28 > 1:29:29..to last.

1:29:29 > 1:29:31CHEERING

1:29:31 > 1:29:35But it's with little regret and for flagrant abuse of Eurovision

1:29:35 > 1:29:39novelty that Scooch take the next spot in our Hall Of Shame.

1:29:39 > 1:29:42I am honoured to be in the Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

1:29:42 > 1:29:44How do you feel about it? As am I, as am I.

1:29:44 > 1:29:47It's lovely and I feel like we should have some sort of award.

1:29:47 > 1:29:49We should. But just to remind you,

1:29:49 > 1:29:53we did get the highest-charting Eurovision single...

1:29:53 > 1:29:54Number one in physical sales.

1:29:54 > 1:29:58Number five, highest-charting Eurovision single

1:29:58 > 1:30:02since Katrina And The Waves. How many years is that? Over 15. 15.

1:30:02 > 1:30:05Where did Jade Ewen get?

1:30:05 > 1:30:08Er, a high spot of 27 in the UK charts, actually.

1:30:08 > 1:30:11So, Scooch thought life as a trolley dolly

1:30:11 > 1:30:13was great material for a Eurovision hit.

1:30:13 > 1:30:16It may seem strange, but it's got a lot weirder than that.

1:30:16 > 1:30:20Let's have a quick countdown of some of the most absurd song themes ever.

1:30:20 > 1:30:24# Danger, danger! High voltage! #

1:30:34 > 1:30:39In 2012, San Marino entered a song celebrating the joys of a good poke.

1:30:39 > 1:30:43The song was stuck in my head. It was all about the internet and e-mail...

1:30:43 > 1:30:46That was good, yeah. That was really weird.

1:30:46 > 1:30:48# I waited for a little chat... #

1:30:48 > 1:30:51Originally titled The Facebook Song, Eurovision's legal eagles put

1:30:51 > 1:30:55a stop to that and it was retitled The Social Network Song

1:30:55 > 1:30:58as it contravened the contest's strict rules on product placement.

1:30:58 > 1:31:03This line of voice-over is brought to you by American Oilglomerates, PLC.

1:31:03 > 1:31:06You've seen a song about Facebook, had to have its name changed,

1:31:06 > 1:31:09with the lyric, "Click on your mouse if you want to come to my house."

1:31:09 > 1:31:13# If you want to come to my house, click it with your mouse... #

1:31:13 > 1:31:15Is that what she was saying? Is that an invitation,

1:31:15 > 1:31:19"You like me, you press click, you come to my house"?

1:31:19 > 1:31:22It's like she's on some other form of Facebook that I'm not aware of.

1:31:22 > 1:31:25# Social network, oh oh

1:31:25 > 1:31:28# Never going to let you go... #

1:31:28 > 1:31:31Surprisingly, they didn't do very well. But I remembered it. Mm.

1:31:31 > 1:31:34# Soo-oon, beep beep! #

1:31:34 > 1:31:37Fasten your seatbelts, it's number four.

1:31:37 > 1:31:41Airports. Pretty miserable, aren't they?

1:31:41 > 1:31:44Endless queues for check-in, overzealous security searches,

1:31:44 > 1:31:47and the inevitable delayed departures.

1:31:47 > 1:31:48But surprisingly,

1:31:48 > 1:31:53the inspiration for Ireland's 1984 Eurovision entry, Terminal 3.

1:31:53 > 1:31:58# Terminal 3, flight's on time... #

1:31:58 > 1:32:00Yeah, Terminal 3, flight's on time.

1:32:00 > 1:32:02Admittedly, that is kind of rare in today's world.

1:32:02 > 1:32:04# Last night I heard him say

1:32:04 > 1:32:07# Could I be waiting, cos he'd be all alone... #

1:32:07 > 1:32:10Airport terminals aren't that exciting.

1:32:10 > 1:32:14No-one wants to hear someone singing about a terminal.

1:32:14 > 1:32:17Stephen Spielberg did the whole film about an airport terminal.

1:32:17 > 1:32:21And about the whimsy surrounding that. And that was BLEEP as well.

1:32:27 > 1:32:30Aw, penguins are so cute! Everyone loves penguins.

1:32:30 > 1:32:34However, Luxembourg's 1980 entry, Papa Pingouin,

1:32:34 > 1:32:38featured the world's only unlovable penguin.

1:32:38 > 1:32:42# Le papa pingouin, le papa pingouin, le papa, le papa, le papa pingouin

1:32:42 > 1:32:46# Le papa pingouin voudrait faire sa valise... #

1:32:46 > 1:32:48Papa penguins?

1:32:48 > 1:32:51I tell you, these people were dressed as penguins,

1:32:51 > 1:32:53singing about penguins.

1:32:53 > 1:32:56# Celles des pingouins et des moulins ne servent plus a rien... #

1:32:56 > 1:32:59This was no cute little Pingu, but a creepy half-man,

1:32:59 > 1:33:01half-penguin mutant who jumped like a kangaroo

1:33:01 > 1:33:04and suffered from a touch of existential angst.

1:33:04 > 1:33:06# On le sent nerveux, un peu malheureux

1:33:06 > 1:33:08# Pas tres bien dans ses plumes

1:33:08 > 1:33:12# Pour se calmer les nerfs, il plonge dans la mer

1:33:12 > 1:33:16# Lui qui a des pieds de plomb, ca le rend grognon... #

1:33:16 > 1:33:19Oh, cheer up, Papa, for beak's sake!

1:33:19 > 1:33:22It's a bit strange, isn't it? What do you sing about in Eurovision?

1:33:22 > 1:33:25Love, peace? No, a penguin.

1:33:29 > 1:33:33At two, just fill her up and grab me a Ginsters' at the till.

1:33:33 > 1:33:38'The song is called Pet'r Oil and translates exactly as it sounds.'

1:33:38 > 1:33:43So in 1980, the Turks decided to sing a song about petrol.

1:33:43 > 1:33:44I've no idea why.

1:33:44 > 1:33:48"Oh, lovely petrol, my dearest petrol, it is you, you I need.

1:33:48 > 1:33:51"Petrol, oh, lovely petrol, my dearest petrol..."

1:33:51 > 1:33:54And it goes on at some length after that.

1:33:54 > 1:33:58Yes, Turkey's 1980 Eurovision entry was a celebration of filling up on the forecourt.

1:33:58 > 1:34:03# Aman pet'r oil, canim pet'r oil... #

1:34:03 > 1:34:07# Da-da-da, petrol, da-da-da, petrol, da-da-da, petrol. #

1:34:07 > 1:34:08Yeah, brilliant.

1:34:08 > 1:34:13In the end, Turkey didn't get much mileage out of their petrol - it came in 15th.

1:34:13 > 1:34:16But it didn't stop Terry going all Partridge about their lead singer.

1:34:17 > 1:34:20'Pet'r Oil, the Turkish entry.

1:34:20 > 1:34:22'Lovely girl.'

1:34:24 > 1:34:28But our number one Eurovision theme to avoid features Europop

1:34:28 > 1:34:30with a sinister twist. Cue the Germans!

1:34:33 > 1:34:36# Dschinghis, Dschinghis, Dschinghis Khan... #

1:34:36 > 1:34:39Historical figure and genocidal killer

1:34:39 > 1:34:44Genghis Khan was the bizarrely chosen subject of this 1979 entry from Germany.

1:34:46 > 1:34:49Singing about Genghis Khan is a little bit odd.

1:34:49 > 1:34:52This toe-tapper certainly brought to mind another Europop classic.

1:34:52 > 1:34:56# Ra-Ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen... #

1:34:56 > 1:35:00There is a certain rip-off element with Ra-Ra-Rasputin there, isn't there?

1:35:00 > 1:35:02It's also going on with the trousers.

1:35:02 > 1:35:04I think MC Hammer has a reason to sue. # You can't touch this... #

1:35:04 > 1:35:07And it featured some classic Eurovision song-writing.

1:35:07 > 1:35:11When you're writing a song about Genghis Khan, it would be,

1:35:11 > 1:35:16it would be remiss of you to omit the lyrics, "Ha-ha-haaah!"

1:35:16 > 1:35:18# Lasst noch Wodka holen - ho, ho, ho, ho

1:35:18 > 1:35:22# Denn wir sind Mongolen - ha, ha, ha, ha...

1:35:22 > 1:35:24# Ha, ha, ha, haah!

1:35:24 > 1:35:25# Ha, hu, ha, hu! #

1:35:25 > 1:35:30So, in summary, singing about mass murderers isn't a laughing matter.

1:35:30 > 1:35:34But that isn't the only nugget of Eurovision wisdom we've passed on so far.

1:35:34 > 1:35:37Here's a recap on what else we have learned

1:35:37 > 1:35:40so far on our quest to learn how to win Eurovision.

1:35:40 > 1:35:43Always remember to dress up, not down.

1:35:43 > 1:35:46It pays to have a gimmick, no matter how bizarre or over the top.

1:35:46 > 1:35:48Don't enter a novelty song,

1:35:48 > 1:35:52because they're generally not that funny. Scooch.

1:35:52 > 1:35:57And avoid singing about planes, petrol, oh, and penguins.

1:35:57 > 1:35:59# Le papa, le papa, le papa pingouin. #

1:36:04 > 1:36:07Picking the right title for your song or your act is also

1:36:07 > 1:36:10something to be taken seriously at Eurovision.

1:36:10 > 1:36:12Number one, it's got to make sense.

1:36:12 > 1:36:16Austria's entry from 1972 was Moth In The Wind.

1:36:18 > 1:36:20# Bleib' nicht im Wald, Schmetterling... #

1:36:20 > 1:36:22Enough said.

1:36:22 > 1:36:25Or this similarly abstract effort from Estonia -

1:36:25 > 1:36:27The Sound Of Necklace. What?

1:36:27 > 1:36:31You could just be plain rude - here's a bit of...

1:36:31 > 1:36:33Fanny, from France.

1:36:33 > 1:36:35# Sentiment... #

1:36:35 > 1:36:37Stop giggling, that's her name.

1:36:37 > 1:36:42Or you could be downright kerr-azy - Greece in 1986 gave us

1:36:42 > 1:36:45We Wear Spring Clothes In The Wintertime.

1:36:45 > 1:36:46Yeah, take that, the system!

1:36:48 > 1:36:50Sometimes we even stay up late and watch telly

1:36:50 > 1:36:54and we don't even tell our parents, yeah!

1:36:54 > 1:36:57The most important thing is not to set yourself up for a fall.

1:36:57 > 1:37:01Ireland reckoned they were Born To Sing in 1978.

1:37:01 > 1:37:05# Cos I, hey, I was born

1:37:05 > 1:37:08# Born to sing! #

1:37:08 > 1:37:12But they weren't born to win. So, what about Britain?

1:37:12 > 1:37:16Would we fall into that boastful trap? Er, yeah.

1:37:19 > 1:37:21And it's our next entry into the Hall Of Shame.

1:37:21 > 1:37:24It's Josh Dubovie's That Sounds Good To Me,

1:37:24 > 1:37:27a song that didn't sound good to anyone.

1:37:27 > 1:37:32It's time to find out who your country needs. Josh!

1:37:33 > 1:37:36When 19-year-old Essex boy Josh Dubovie

1:37:36 > 1:37:40heard these words back in 2010, he couldn't believe his luck.

1:37:40 > 1:37:43To represent your country, and in front of millions of people,

1:37:43 > 1:37:45who's going to turn that down?

1:37:47 > 1:37:50He'd gone through ten years of graft in the stage school system

1:37:50 > 1:37:53and was plucked from the pack of other wannabes to be the UK's

1:37:53 > 1:37:57representative at that year's Eurovision in Oslo.

1:37:57 > 1:38:01You have an incredible talent. Thank you very much.

1:38:01 > 1:38:03With That Sounds Good To Me,

1:38:03 > 1:38:07a song composed by '80s pop royalty Mike Stock and Pete Waterman,

1:38:07 > 1:38:12and a voice that Waterman described as perfect, how could Josh go wrong?

1:38:14 > 1:38:16Sounds Good To Me!

1:38:16 > 1:38:20So, with a set constructed from the finest Norwegian packing crates,

1:38:20 > 1:38:24our Josh takes to the stage and belts out that killer chorus.

1:38:24 > 1:38:28# I don't know about you, but that sounds good to me... #

1:38:28 > 1:38:30But unfortunately, not everyone was impressed.

1:38:30 > 1:38:34He does look like an estate agent.

1:38:34 > 1:38:37The whole thing is completely bland,

1:38:37 > 1:38:40it's like having mashed potatoes with no butter for dinner.

1:38:40 > 1:38:43So, what exactly went wrong? Maybe it was the song.

1:38:45 > 1:38:49It couldn't be that the golden age of the Stock, Aitken and Waterman

1:38:49 > 1:38:53hit machine was actually before Josh was born? Could it?

1:38:53 > 1:38:56I think, in the end, that song wasn't very good.

1:38:56 > 1:38:59Sorry, Pete Waterman, but I do feel it was a bit of a, a bit of a,

1:38:59 > 1:39:02"Here's one in a drawer, he-he-here's one in a drawer."

1:39:02 > 1:39:04The song was very, very poor,

1:39:04 > 1:39:07it was like something out of a Rick Astley album from the '80s.

1:39:07 > 1:39:11It didn't reflect anything remotely popular in the UK at the time.

1:39:11 > 1:39:14It was one of Pete Waterman's B-sides, wasn't it?

1:39:14 > 1:39:17It wasn't anything anyone is going to vote for.

1:39:17 > 1:39:22# I don't know about you, but that sounds good to me... #

1:39:22 > 1:39:25But the song is called That Sounds Good To Me!

1:39:25 > 1:39:26Aren't you listening, people?!

1:39:26 > 1:39:31# That sounds good to me. #

1:39:31 > 1:39:35It certainly didn't sound good to anyone else on the night,

1:39:35 > 1:39:38it was certainly a title that could have been improved.

1:39:38 > 1:39:40The rest of Europe agreed,

1:39:40 > 1:39:43and despite the best efforts of the crowd,

1:39:43 > 1:39:48the UK came a crushing last on the night, with just ten points overall.

1:39:48 > 1:39:52But to be fair, most people realised that while Josh was no Kylie,

1:39:52 > 1:39:54he was stitched up like a kipper.

1:39:54 > 1:39:56What happened with him is that he did his bit all right,

1:39:56 > 1:40:00and nobody else did their bit all right, and it collapsed around him.

1:40:00 > 1:40:02# Should have seen that this obsession... #

1:40:02 > 1:40:06After taking a battering at Eurovision, alas, Josh Dubovie is no more.

1:40:06 > 1:40:09But don't worry, this Hall Of Shamer has changed his identity

1:40:09 > 1:40:12and now trades under the moniker Josh James.

1:40:13 > 1:40:16I've no regrets. I mean, there are only 56 other people

1:40:16 > 1:40:19who can say they've represented the UK in Eurovision

1:40:19 > 1:40:22and for me, on my CV, that's unbelievable.

1:40:22 > 1:40:24Yeah, well, here's something else for your CV, Josh.

1:40:24 > 1:40:28You are the final entrant in our Eurovision Hall Of Shame.

1:40:28 > 1:40:33Along with Scooch, Blue, Engelbert Humperdinck, Jemini, Daz Sampson

1:40:33 > 1:40:34and Javine, they make up

1:40:34 > 1:40:37a Not-So-Magnificent Seven of Eurovision losers.

1:40:37 > 1:40:40May they not have died on stage in vain.

1:40:40 > 1:40:43Right, well, this tip should grab your interest.

1:40:43 > 1:40:47OK, I doubt that, but go on. Well, it's about one of your top three things in life. Oh, cricket?

1:40:47 > 1:40:49No. Midsomer Murders?

1:40:49 > 1:40:53No. Is it the old...?

1:40:53 > 1:40:56Yeah, that's right, it's about putting sex - or "sa-a-ax" -

1:40:56 > 1:41:00into your performance in Eurovision to achieve the ultimate climax.

1:41:04 > 1:41:07Some say Bucks Fizz's skirt rip-off was the moment

1:41:07 > 1:41:10when the sexual floodgates burst open at Eurovision,

1:41:10 > 1:41:11and as the years have gone past,

1:41:11 > 1:41:15we've seen the competition get increasingly risque.

1:41:15 > 1:41:18# I'm sexy and I know it... #

1:41:21 > 1:41:23Sexy performers are ten a penny now.

1:41:23 > 1:41:26But one man whose sexy performance stood out like a pair of

1:41:26 > 1:41:28fake boobs was Iceland's Paul Oscar. Remember him?

1:41:28 > 1:41:32Of course I remember Paul Oscar, that's one of the greatest three minutes of my life.

1:41:32 > 1:41:36HE SINGS IN ICELANDIC

1:41:36 > 1:41:40Back in 1997, his performance set the bar for sexual content at Eurovision,

1:41:40 > 1:41:44in a provocative display of leather clad ladies and crotch-rubbing.

1:41:44 > 1:41:47What would Sir Cliff say? Been there, done that.

1:41:48 > 1:41:50It was, like, really provocative.

1:41:50 > 1:41:53He was sat on this white coach with loads of girls

1:41:53 > 1:41:56with fishnet tights with hardly anything on.

1:41:56 > 1:41:59It was the most astonishing thing I've ever seen.

1:41:59 > 1:42:01I was on my knees, in my living room,

1:42:01 > 1:42:05in front of the television, worshipping it. Worshipping it.

1:42:05 > 1:42:09And it is still one of the greatest three minutes ever,

1:42:09 > 1:42:11in the history of humanity. Isn't it?

1:42:11 > 1:42:15And leave it to those ever-efficient Germans to take it one step too far

1:42:15 > 1:42:18and bring an actual stripper on stage.

1:42:18 > 1:42:21First of all, there was this German band on stage with a lead singer,

1:42:21 > 1:42:24I swear to God, who looked just like Zoolander.

1:42:24 > 1:42:28But then, all of a sudden, he goes over to the keyboard player

1:42:28 > 1:42:33and they go, "And now, Dita von Teese!" And you're like, what?!

1:42:34 > 1:42:38Please welcome Dita von Teese!

1:42:38 > 1:42:41And all of a sudden, you see Dita von Teese come out

1:42:41 > 1:42:45and she's got this riding crop and this corset all laced up

1:42:45 > 1:42:49and I think that was the most blatant going for

1:42:49 > 1:42:52the male sexual vote I have ever seen in Eurovision.

1:42:52 > 1:42:55Eurovision has definitely got sexier over the years.

1:42:55 > 1:42:58In a couple of years, it will be on pay-per-view at midnight.

1:42:58 > 1:43:02Hello? How do you do? How much?!

1:43:02 > 1:43:07Do I vote afterwards? Do I... Hello?

1:43:08 > 1:43:11Before we come to the end of our guide to winning Eurovision,

1:43:11 > 1:43:15perhaps it's time to remember those that came close, as we celebrate

1:43:15 > 1:43:18the UK's long and illustrious history of coming second.

1:43:20 > 1:43:24We always used to come in the top five, and in particular, second.

1:43:24 > 1:43:26# The winner takes it all... #

1:43:26 > 1:43:31Britain are Eurovision's nearly men. 15 times we've come second.

1:43:31 > 1:43:34Almost an achievement in its own right.

1:43:34 > 1:43:38In a way, it's a fantastic place to come, because you've done

1:43:38 > 1:43:41very well at Eurovision, but you don't have to host it next year.

1:43:41 > 1:43:43Nice way of looking at it.

1:43:43 > 1:43:46But try telling that to poor old Scott Fitzgerald,

1:43:46 > 1:43:51Paul Calf lookalike and victim of probably the UK's cruellest last-minute defeat

1:43:51 > 1:43:52in Eurovision history.

1:43:52 > 1:43:56# Go, before you break my heart... #

1:43:56 > 1:43:59Scott Fitzgerald sang for the UK in 1988

1:43:59 > 1:44:01and he lost in the very final vote,

1:44:01 > 1:44:04when the Yugoslav jury gave Switzerland seven points,

1:44:04 > 1:44:07putting Celine Dion ahead by one point and giving the UK nothing.

1:44:07 > 1:44:09And finally, France.

1:44:09 > 1:44:11CHEERING

1:44:11 > 1:44:14It was right at the end, he had been leading more or less

1:44:14 > 1:44:17all the way, and he fell down at the final hurdle.

1:44:17 > 1:44:20After his cruel loss, a deflated Scott appeared on British

1:44:20 > 1:44:24television, still clearly suffering from the effects of his trauma.

1:44:24 > 1:44:28When the vote actually came in for Switzerland from Yugoslavia,

1:44:28 > 1:44:31everybody just went "whoosh!" and disappeared.

1:44:31 > 1:44:34And I felt the loneliest man in the whole world.

1:44:34 > 1:44:36Ohh! I really did. I was...

1:44:36 > 1:44:39It was strange, I've never had that sensation before.

1:44:39 > 1:44:42You know, it was like having a little bird in your hand

1:44:42 > 1:44:45and it just flew away. It's really the strangest thing, I'm still...

1:44:45 > 1:44:48I'm all cried out, you know? Ohh!

1:44:48 > 1:44:52Oh, pull yourself together, Scott.

1:44:52 > 1:44:55To buck this trend, next year, we need to cast some

1:44:55 > 1:45:00inconsiderate lovers, because they never come second.

1:45:00 > 1:45:04So, we've come to the end of our guide on How To Win Eurovision.

1:45:04 > 1:45:06And here's a summary of what we've learned.

1:45:06 > 1:45:10Avoid reggae, yodelling, calypso and, of course, rap.

1:45:10 > 1:45:13Displaying a bit of flesh can get you noticed,

1:45:13 > 1:45:15but it won't get you a win.

1:45:15 > 1:45:17Make a good first impression when you're performing,

1:45:17 > 1:45:21don't be out of tune and avoid striking out at all costs.

1:45:21 > 1:45:23We didn't deserve nul points!

1:45:23 > 1:45:26Be wary of political voting and singing in made-up languages.

1:45:26 > 1:45:27# Dub-a-dub-a-dub... #

1:45:27 > 1:45:30Try singing about love, or world peace.

1:45:30 > 1:45:32# Just shine a light together... #

1:45:32 > 1:45:35But if you're going to talk about politics, make it subtle.

1:45:35 > 1:45:37# We don't wanna put in... #

1:45:37 > 1:45:40Don't be smutty. Always dress up, not down.

1:45:40 > 1:45:42And don't forget your gimmick.

1:45:42 > 1:45:46Definitely dance about a bit, but don't try and be funny, trust me.

1:45:46 > 1:45:51And remember, a big name doesn't mean big success.

1:45:51 > 1:45:53And make sure you pick the right song title.

1:45:53 > 1:45:56# That sounds good to me. #

1:45:56 > 1:46:00Expect to finish second. And last, but by no means least,

1:46:00 > 1:46:02make sure your song is a timeless classic.

1:46:02 > 1:46:05# Like a puppet on a string... #

1:46:05 > 1:46:10Which leads us nicely onto the final stage of our How To Win Eurovision guide.

1:46:10 > 1:46:13Well, I know we've kept you waiting longer than a German adjective.

1:46:13 > 1:46:16Or as a German might say, "Gluchlich ein kuchekirche."

1:46:16 > 1:46:22Happy...cake church? It's time for the abschlussprevungstep...

1:46:22 > 1:46:24Final step.

1:46:24 > 1:46:27This is fun! ..of How To Win Eurovision.

1:46:27 > 1:46:30It's time to show every doubting Bjorn, Benny and Anni-Frid how

1:46:30 > 1:46:34great Eurovision can be in our How To Win Eurovision Ultimate Top Five.

1:46:34 > 1:46:38Greg, strap in, prepare to be amazed. Hey!

1:46:38 > 1:46:43That's not an amazed noise, Greg, try again. Hey! Sehr gut!

1:46:46 > 1:46:49At five, the first entry into our ultimate countdown

1:46:49 > 1:46:52are the hard rockers who became the most unlikely

1:46:52 > 1:46:55Eurovision winners you are ever likely to see.

1:46:57 > 1:47:00Lordi's Hard Rock Hallelujah, for me, is

1:47:00 > 1:47:05one of the best Eurovision songs and performances of the last 50 years.

1:47:05 > 1:47:08# ..this sinners' night, lost are the lambs... #

1:47:08 > 1:47:11I thought, "They didn't want to win this contest,

1:47:11 > 1:47:14"so they're going to enter the most rubbish thing."

1:47:14 > 1:47:16It was a runaway success, however! It was.

1:47:16 > 1:47:18This group of latex monsters finally made amends

1:47:18 > 1:47:21for years of terrible Finnish entries.

1:47:21 > 1:47:23I'm looking at you, Riki Sorsa!

1:47:23 > 1:47:25# OK! #

1:47:25 > 1:47:28# Angels, bring that hard rock hallelujah... #

1:47:28 > 1:47:30You could tell he'd mastered everything

1:47:30 > 1:47:32and got the costumes down to a tee.

1:47:32 > 1:47:36They wore rubber continuously for the whole week. Imagine that smell!

1:47:36 > 1:47:39# Hard rock hallelujah! #

1:47:39 > 1:47:43They scored an at the time all-time points record of 292

1:47:43 > 1:47:48and received "douze points" from no less than eight countries.

1:47:48 > 1:47:51You know, the whole gimmick pyro thing, which they pretty much

1:47:51 > 1:47:56introduced to Eurovision as well, that all went in their favour.

1:47:56 > 1:47:58I think maybe with Eurovision,

1:47:58 > 1:48:01there's a point where every 15 years, the judges are like,

1:48:01 > 1:48:03"All right, we'll just let some good people win.

1:48:03 > 1:48:06"And then we'll go back to crap for the next 15 years."

1:48:06 > 1:48:09Lordi absolutely deserved to be in there, they had everything.

1:48:09 > 1:48:11# Hallelujah! #

1:48:11 > 1:48:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:48:17 > 1:48:20And at four, it's the baby-faced fiddler Alexander Rybak.

1:48:23 > 1:48:26I remember there was a big buzz around this guy.

1:48:26 > 1:48:29Alexander Rybak is his name, he's got the violin onstage,

1:48:29 > 1:48:32and I just remember there being a big old hype about him at the time.

1:48:32 > 1:48:36This classically-trained musician found Eurovision fame

1:48:36 > 1:48:38back in 2009, with Fairytale.

1:48:38 > 1:48:42# I'm in love with a fairytale... #

1:48:42 > 1:48:45He was a musician, but I think him standing there,

1:48:45 > 1:48:48playing a fiddle, was slightly more interesting

1:48:48 > 1:48:52and almost more gimmicky than just, you know, a band.

1:48:52 > 1:48:55Like, you say, "Oh, the guy with the fiddle." And there you go.

1:48:55 > 1:48:59And that's it, you know, he didn't need to do anything other than have a fiddle.

1:48:59 > 1:49:01THEY LAUGH

1:49:01 > 1:49:02Ha-ha(!)

1:49:02 > 1:49:04His performance amassed a mammoth 387 points,

1:49:04 > 1:49:08a points tally unlikely to ever be beaten.

1:49:08 > 1:49:11# Every day, we started fighting

1:49:11 > 1:49:14# Every night, we fell in love... #

1:49:14 > 1:49:20There is something quite cocky about him. It is a face you want to punch.

1:49:20 > 1:49:21But a really catchy song.

1:49:21 > 1:49:2450 million hits he's had on YouTube.

1:49:24 > 1:49:28Different to Scooch, we just want to hit them 50 million times.

1:49:33 > 1:49:35In at number three, a lady who went on to be become

1:49:35 > 1:49:39one of the biggest-selling solo artists of all time - Celine Dion.

1:49:39 > 1:49:44Well, Celine Dion. Do you think Eurovision is on her CV?

1:49:44 > 1:49:46Do you think it's still there?

1:49:46 > 1:49:51# Vous qui cherchez l'etoile... #

1:49:51 > 1:49:54Who knew when she was representing Switzerland,

1:49:54 > 1:49:57singing in French, that she would become this phenomenon?

1:49:57 > 1:50:01Yes, before she went on to Titanic success, the younger Miss Dion

1:50:01 > 1:50:06gained a memorable victory for Switzerland in 1988.

1:50:06 > 1:50:07But although she looked great,

1:50:07 > 1:50:10her image nearly proved to be her hidden iceberg.

1:50:10 > 1:50:14She should have won that night by a landslide but because she looked

1:50:14 > 1:50:19so weird, because of that puffball skirt, she nearly lost the contest.

1:50:19 > 1:50:22Despite looking like a supply teacher at a hen night,

1:50:22 > 1:50:24she still had the voice.

1:50:24 > 1:50:26Celine Dion does look like somebody else.

1:50:26 > 1:50:30In fact, maybe it is somebody else. We can never be sure.

1:50:30 > 1:50:33But just think about it - Eurovision's given us Celine Dion

1:50:33 > 1:50:37and without her we wouldn't have had the anthemic My Heart Will Go On.

1:50:37 > 1:50:40Oh, that's rubbish, isn't it? Yeah, thanks for nothing, Eurovision!

1:50:44 > 1:50:47And only just being pipped to the top spot at number two...

1:50:47 > 1:50:49# Love shine a light... #

1:50:49 > 1:50:50..Katrina And The Waves.

1:50:50 > 1:50:54# ..in every corner of my heart Let the love light carry... #

1:50:54 > 1:50:56I love Katrina And The Waves' Love Shine A Light

1:50:56 > 1:50:57because that was a great year.

1:50:57 > 1:51:00We won and that was the last time we did it.

1:51:00 > 1:51:04I don't think we had...really an expectation of victory that year.

1:51:04 > 1:51:07Everybody just thought, "Oh, it's Katrina And The Waves."

1:51:07 > 1:51:09Because we hadn't won for a long time.

1:51:09 > 1:51:12Katrina And The Waves were no strangers to success.

1:51:12 > 1:51:16In the '80s they rode high in the charts with this classic.

1:51:16 > 1:51:20# I'm walking on sunshine Whoa-oh... #

1:51:20 > 1:51:23Everybody remembered Walking On Sunshine. Global hit.

1:51:23 > 1:51:24So that was in her favour.

1:51:24 > 1:51:28But the band's true legacy will always be their Eurovision

1:51:28 > 1:51:30victory that night in Ireland.

1:51:30 > 1:51:33# Oh, got to shine a light together... #

1:51:33 > 1:51:35It was an awesome song.

1:51:35 > 1:51:38It's a catchy song. It's one of the few I still have in my head.

1:51:38 > 1:51:40I'm not going to sing it now but it speaks to me.

1:51:40 > 1:51:43And she's just a pro, Katrina.

1:51:43 > 1:51:46She knows what she is doing. She worked the stage.

1:51:46 > 1:51:50# Let our love shine a light in every corner of our heart... #

1:51:50 > 1:51:53Katrina was a kind of poppy Suzi Quatro.

1:51:53 > 1:51:56I was just upset when I realised that she was American.

1:51:56 > 1:52:00And nothing epitomises the special relationship between the US

1:52:00 > 1:52:02and the UK like this timeless hit.

1:52:02 > 1:52:04Once again, in times of dire need,

1:52:04 > 1:52:07we call upon the Americans to fly over and save the day.

1:52:07 > 1:52:11But we had to do it. Can you blame us for that?

1:52:11 > 1:52:15# ..in every corner of our hearts. #

1:52:15 > 1:52:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:52:17 > 1:52:22So, Greg, can you guess what the How To Win Eurovision ultimate

1:52:22 > 1:52:27number one is? Give me a clue. Well, Mamma Mia. Would you believe it?

1:52:27 > 1:52:32We sent out an SOS for a Eurovision hit and those dancing queens

1:52:32 > 1:52:35took a chance, made a lot of money, money, money. Got it.

1:52:35 > 1:52:39Mumford And Sons. What?! No, they've not even been in Eurovision.

1:52:39 > 1:52:45If I were to say, thank you for the music, it is of course A...? Adele.

1:52:45 > 1:52:49Adele. No, Greg, it's ABBA. ABBA? I've not heard of...

1:52:49 > 1:52:51Is that like IKEA? Oh, my God!

1:52:55 > 1:52:58Telling a story of hopeless surrender to love,

1:52:58 > 1:53:02we've somewhat predictably surrendered to the charms of ABBA's

1:53:02 > 1:53:06seminal 1974 hit Waterloo and made it our ultimate Eurovision winner.

1:53:06 > 1:53:10In the end, you've got to say that ABBA are the best winners ever

1:53:10 > 1:53:12because... they are the best winners ever.

1:53:12 > 1:53:15But things could've been a lot different. The previous year they

1:53:15 > 1:53:19entered a song in Swedish and failed to even qualify for the final.

1:53:19 > 1:53:20Luckily, they saw sense

1:53:20 > 1:53:23and entered a song in English the following year, otherwise

1:53:23 > 1:53:27this slightly dreary Italian ballad would've been our winner.

1:53:27 > 1:53:31SHE SINGS IN ITALIAN

1:53:31 > 1:53:32Mamma Mia!

1:53:32 > 1:53:35So what makes Waterloo such a classic?

1:53:35 > 1:53:37They did a little jaunty dance.

1:53:39 > 1:53:40They looked happy. They had costumes,

1:53:40 > 1:53:43a guitar shaped like a star.

1:53:44 > 1:53:47Yes, it's got the outfits, the gimmicks,

1:53:47 > 1:53:50the clever song-writing and, of course, the killer chorus.

1:53:50 > 1:53:54# Waterloo, I was defeated You won the war...

1:53:54 > 1:53:56# Waterloo...

1:53:56 > 1:53:58# Couldn't escape if I wanted to...

1:53:58 > 1:54:02# Whoa, whoa, whoa, Waterloo

1:54:02 > 1:54:05# Finally facing my Waterloo... #

1:54:05 > 1:54:08ABBA were fully deserving of that win, and then after that just

1:54:08 > 1:54:11went on to dominate the world with hit after hit.

1:54:11 > 1:54:13Globally, everywhere.

1:54:13 > 1:54:18ABBA went on to sell over 370 million albums worldwide,

1:54:18 > 1:54:22that's a full 370 million more than Scooch and Jemini combined.

1:54:22 > 1:54:23Yeah!

1:54:25 > 1:54:29ABBA's musical legacy now spans the world of theatre and cinema

1:54:29 > 1:54:33and looks set to live on in our hearts for another 40 years to come,

1:54:33 > 1:54:37so for this we say, "Thank you, ABBA, for the music."

1:54:37 > 1:54:42In the end, you just can't argue with the genius of ABBA.

1:54:42 > 1:54:44Well, there it is, Greg, I've tried to show you everything

1:54:44 > 1:54:48that was great about the Eurovision but I have failed to convince you that we can win it.

1:54:48 > 1:54:50I guess you won't be coming to my Eurovision party.

1:54:50 > 1:54:54Yeah, you're right, Eurovision is complete and utter rubbish. I give up.

1:54:54 > 1:54:57But, you know what? It may be full of slightly strange, camp Europeans,

1:54:57 > 1:55:01it may be the last resort for the Austrian fashion industry,

1:55:01 > 1:55:05it might be full of songs that have absolutely no meaning,

1:55:05 > 1:55:08it may feature people like Jemini and Engelbert Humperdinck,

1:55:08 > 1:55:11it might be die-hard proof that our fellow Europeans hate us

1:55:11 > 1:55:13and it may have scarred Sir Terry forever,

1:55:13 > 1:55:18but where else would I see a singing transvestite air steward,

1:55:18 > 1:55:22where else could I hear the rap of Trackshittaz?

1:55:22 > 1:55:26You know what, Russell? We may not win Eurovision this year or next

1:55:26 > 1:55:30year, or any years but, you know what? I don't care.

1:55:30 > 1:55:34You get the cheesy puffs, I'll get the Vimto and the poppers.

1:55:34 > 1:55:37Poppers! In the air! Party poppers! Party poppers.

1:55:37 > 1:55:40And let's go back to yours for the best Eurovision party

1:55:40 > 1:55:43the world has ever seen. Yeah, rule Britannia. See? Let's go.

1:55:43 > 1:55:47How come you got the big long speech right at the end of the show?

1:55:47 > 1:55:51Oh, just a better agent. Right. See you later. See you.

1:55:54 > 1:55:58MUSIC: "Land Of Hope And Glory"

1:56:12 > 1:56:15Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd