:00:06. > :00:09.This programme contains adult humour. Tonight's Prom looks set to
:00:09. > :00:15.be unlike anything that you've seen or indeed are likely to see this
:00:15. > :00:19.season. Hosted by musician, actor and all round comedy rock God, Tim
:00:19. > :00:24.Minchim, who Jones me now. Tim, how will it go tonight? I don't know. I
:00:24. > :00:28.don't know what's happening. I'm very late. I haven't learnt my
:00:28. > :00:34.liepbts lines. You are wuet beautiful. I love you. I don't know
:00:34. > :00:44.what's going to happen at all. Welcome to the BBC's, first ever,
:00:44. > :01:20.
:01:20. > :01:25.# I sit here as for 20 years I've sat.
:01:26. > :01:28.# Wearing my music critic's hat. # I mean, it's clearly not an act-
:01:29. > :01:34.-ual hat. # It's metaphorical.
:01:34. > :01:37.# And in those 20 years I'm sad. # To say these wondrous promenades.
:01:37. > :01:42.# Have gone from bard to worse to bad.
:01:42. > :01:47.# To even worse to bloody horrible. # I admit, I'm a bit of a classical
:01:47. > :01:50.music boffin. # And although I've said this often.
:01:50. > :01:53.# The final nail in the coffin of the Proms is clearly imminent.
:01:53. > :01:54.# Yes, we survived Nigel effing Kennedy.
:01:54. > :02:04.# But surely there's no earthly remedy.
:02:04. > :02:05.
:02:05. > :02:08.# For a night of so-called comedy. # Hosted by an immigrant.
:02:08. > :02:10.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Why they insist on this tosh,
:02:10. > :02:20.it's a mystery. # Laughter and classical music
:02:20. > :02:23.don't mix you see. # 160 years of history.
:02:23. > :02:25.# Tossed away for a cheap gaffaw! # One of our country's greatest
:02:25. > :02:26.traditions. # Some of our nation's finest
:02:26. > :02:28.musicians. # Forced into hu-miliating
:02:28. > :02:30.positions. # Is nothing sacred any more?
:02:30. > :02:35.# Classical music should always be. # Performed, well, you know,
:02:35. > :02:41.classically. # With suitably solemn solemnity,
:02:41. > :02:46.and usually in three quarters. # Now we have this, this "comedy
:02:46. > :02:50.prom". # It's all boom-tish and pom pom
:02:50. > :02:58.pom. # What are these BBC idiots on?
:02:58. > :03:04.# Is nothing sacred any more? # I remember, it seems like
:03:04. > :03:14.yesterday. # Watching the greats who'd come to
:03:14. > :03:18.
:03:18. > :03:20.play. # It was so magical and gay.
:03:20. > :03:22.# Back when gay meant something good.
:03:22. > :03:24.# I wish that I were back there once again.
:03:24. > :03:33.# When this orchestra were made of men.
:03:33. > :03:36.# And some patience and a penny. # Could give you Henry Wood.
:03:36. > :03:39.# (You would get Wood) # Oh, what Henry Wood would think.
:03:39. > :03:41.# If only Henry Wood could think. # Though he's extinct.
:03:41. > :03:44.# He would have died if he had seen this.
:03:44. > :03:47.# Endless rhymes and dirty puns. # People drumming with their
:03:47. > :03:57.tongues. # They think it funny.
:03:57. > :03:58.
:03:58. > :04:08.# Forcing divas to sing "penis". # Penis.
:04:08. > :04:09.
:04:10. > :04:13.# Penis # Get off
:04:13. > :04:15.# Penisboffins for opera # # I remember, it seems like
:04:15. > :04:17.yesterday. # When conductors were bearded and
:04:17. > :04:20.grey. # This little twerp is not yet
:04:20. > :04:24.shaving. # Or even looking at the score.
:04:24. > :04:29.# Is nothing sacred any more? # We used to care about the art.
:04:29. > :04:39.# I mean, honestly. # Look at this violinist's chart,.
:04:39. > :04:55.
:04:55. > :05:00.# It actually says "fart". # Nothing's sacred anymore.
:05:00. > :05:06.# The stories that inspired the greats of yore.
:05:06. > :05:08.# Sin, redemption and the Lord. # Heaven's glory and hell's fires.
:05:08. > :05:10.# The battle of the light against dar.
:05:10. > :05:20.# The timeless narratives of mad Mozart and boring Bach.
:05:20. > :05:38.
:05:38. > :05:41.# These days we just don't give a farch.
:05:41. > :05:44.# We are amoral and uninspired. # I reckon that it's time to start
:05:44. > :05:46.a new tradition. # Especially designed for us comic
:05:46. > :05:48.musicians. # We'll do it every year at the
:05:48. > :05:51.comedy prom. # It'll be our ritual from now on.
:05:51. > :05:55.# At the end of the prom. # Right, get this.
:05:55. > :05:57.# Before the lights come up. # I reckon all the prommers in the
:05:57. > :06:00.cheap seats. # Should take off their clothes and
:06:00. > :06:03.writhe naked on the floor. # While a member of the Royal
:06:03. > :06:08.family plays the theme from Doctor Who on a Keytar #. Yeah, seemed
:06:08. > :06:16.reasonable at the time. Welcome to the planet's first Comedy Prom, go
:06:16. > :06:24.insane. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:06:24. > :06:30.That was interesting. Something new. So, as, I'm sure you all know, the
:06:30. > :06:40.word, "Prom" is a shortening of the word Promenade, which is a type of
:06:40. > :06:41.
:06:41. > :06:44.drink. Like, lemonade, but instead of lemons it's made of... Prom...
:06:45. > :06:49.Egranites. Promegranite, as you know, of course, is a fruit, the
:06:49. > :06:54.flesh of which is the same colour as your lifr, because it's named
:06:54. > :06:58.after the -- liver, because it's named after the great myth of
:06:58. > :07:05.Prometheus, who was punished by Zeus for stealing fire. His
:07:05. > :07:11.punishment was to be tied to a rock for eternity, that's where the
:07:11. > :07:18.granite comes from in promegranite. The Eagles were sent down to peck
:07:18. > :07:24.out his liver, therefore, Promenade and the drink promenade, which
:07:24. > :07:30.Henry would have loved. Could you ask him, he promenade and thought
:07:30. > :07:38.it was nice and frizzy. Therefore, he named his series of concert,
:07:38. > :07:47.classical concerts after... Tonight, you will see classical pianists,
:07:47. > :07:48.opera singers, puppets, a rapper, a beat-boxer, a mime artist -
:07:48. > :07:51.especially, for the Radio 3 listeners at home.
:07:52. > :07:56.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And me, Tim Minchim, who has been
:07:56. > :08:01.engadgeed on the promise that I won't -- engadgeed on the promise
:08:01. > :08:06.that I won't - - a few people realised it was me. I have been
:08:06. > :08:14.engaedgeed on the promise that I won't swear or talk about Jesus or
:08:14. > :08:19.mention the riots. Damn. Because, this is a promenade we want to keep
:08:19. > :08:23.it fizzy. Your first guest tonight was a successful rapper. He played
:08:23. > :08:28.with people like Mark Ronson, Lily Allen and the late Amy Winehouse.
:08:28. > :08:32.In 200, he turned his hand to comedy. He now plays with the likes
:08:32. > :08:42.of me. Interesting career move. Please welcome, the absolutely
:08:42. > :08:47.
:08:48. > :08:53.lovely, and funny, Doc Brown. Yeah, OK. This is a special moment
:08:53. > :08:59.for me, man. You know, I always dreamed of being, like, the most
:08:59. > :09:05.famous British rapper since, like, John Barnes. Now, like, with this
:09:05. > :09:09.gig, I felt, it could be tricky, you know, because a lot of people
:09:09. > :09:15.they really, they really, really hate rap. You know. I'm used to a
:09:15. > :09:21.bit of animosity. I've been to Kent. So, you know - I was thinking like,
:09:21. > :09:26.what should I rap about, in this situation? What should I rap about?
:09:26. > :09:31.Politics maybe. I'm way too much of a fence sitter when it comes to
:09:31. > :09:35.politics. I would be like, "for get Nick Clegg, he's a wannabe, however
:09:35. > :09:39.I do agree with some of his policies". That's in good. Street
:09:39. > :09:45.crime. I can't really get into. That I have never been a criminal
:09:45. > :09:50.of any kind. Never been to prison. I never was one of those kids who
:09:50. > :09:55.would forcibly do jail time to beef up my street cred. I don't think I
:09:55. > :10:05.could maintain the hard facade. Even just using words like,
:10:05. > :10:06.
:10:06. > :10:09."facade" would probably blow my cover.. I figure, it's the Royal
:10:09. > :10:15.Albert Hall. I'm at the Proms. It doesn't get any more British than
:10:15. > :10:19.that. I figured I would rap about a British institution. OK. I figured,
:10:19. > :10:29.look, I'm living my dream right now. That is how I feel, I'm living the
:10:29. > :10:31.dream. I want to share my dreams with you. OK.
:10:31. > :10:34.# Everybody got a fantasy. # A mad scheme.
:10:34. > :10:38.# A crazy plan, a dream that we could make reality.
:10:38. > :10:40.# Maybe my plan's sad. # But since I was a lad, I wished
:10:40. > :10:43.David Attenborough was my granddad. # You look at me like.
:10:43. > :10:45.# "This man's mad! # Get a cat scan!
:10:45. > :10:47.# You're one horn short of a Jazz band!"
:10:47. > :10:50.# Yeah, it may seem strange for a rap fan.
:10:50. > :10:53.# To wish for Attenborough's voice on my sat-nav.
:10:53. > :10:55.# He'd be my guide. # I'd be Robin to his Batman.
:10:55. > :10:57.# I'd help him research wolfcubs in Lapland.
:10:57. > :11:00.# I'd be like "Granddad, I saw another one!"
:11:00. > :11:03.# He'd give me a handclap because that man's a living legend.
:11:03. > :11:06.# The best yet. # He was flipping old when I was
:11:06. > :11:09.little, still isn't dead yet. # And when he pops his clogs, I'll
:11:09. > :11:12.be crestfallen. # He never sat me on his knee for a
:11:12. > :11:14.bed story. # Wish I could just put him on.
:11:14. > :11:16.# As a very special vocal guest on a song.
:11:16. > :11:18.# Have him do a little cameo feature saying.
:11:18. > :11:20.# "Doc Brown's an incredible creature".
:11:20. > :11:23.# Imagine that? # Of all my crew, I wish
:11:23. > :11:25.Attenborough had my back. # We could spend a beautiful future
:11:25. > :11:29.together. # He could dumb it down for me.
:11:29. > :11:31.# I could get clever. # Tell him all about rap and girls.
:11:31. > :11:34.# He could tell me all the facts of the world.
:11:34. > :11:36.# What's the chances he'd be listening to some little rap?
:11:36. > :11:40.# He probably thinks it's all bitches n' stuff.
:11:40. > :11:42.# Dave, it's so much more. # I aspire to have lyrics like
:11:42. > :11:44.yours. # I'd love to rap about panthers
:11:44. > :11:54.that ran fast. # Damn, I wish Attenborough was my
:11:54. > :12:11.
:12:11. > :12:20.# You can but dream # You can but dream... #
:12:20. > :12:25.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you. I know a lot
:12:25. > :12:33.of you think I might have been joking. Some of you may have felt
:12:33. > :12:38.that you just witnessed a man having a mini-break down. But, no,
:12:38. > :12:43.I'm serious. For get rappers, Attenborough, to me, is the
:12:43. > :12:48.greatest living lir cyst there is. You know why? Anything he in a
:12:48. > :12:56.rates. Anything that he in a rates, for me shall I think I can relate
:12:56. > :13:06.to it. I don't know if you seen any of his shows. You will know what I
:13:06. > :13:06.
:13:06. > :13:11.mean. IN ATTENBOROUGH'S VOICE Alone, the giant Pacific octopus scours
:13:11. > :13:21.the seabed, in search of the perfect den. It must be perfect,
:13:21. > :13:31.for it's going to be her home for the next six months. She's carrying
:13:31. > :13:36.
:13:36. > :13:43.fertilised eggs. And now, happy and settled she lays them, 100,000 of
:13:43. > :13:52.them. Over the next six months she carefully tends to her brood, never
:13:52. > :13:58.leaving the den for a moment. THUS, unable to leave, she's starving.
:13:58. > :14:06.Many of these young will not reach adulthood, but she's giving them
:14:06. > :14:13.the best possible chance. Her final act of devotion, gently blowing
:14:13. > :14:23.warm water over the surface of the eggs to encourage them to hatch.
:14:23. > :14:23.
:14:23. > :15:08.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:15:08. > :15:13.After her long, and lonely vigil, Then I was sat there looking at
:15:13. > :15:23.that television. Wow! This guy knows exactly how it is for single
:15:23. > :15:35.
:15:35. > :15:38.Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Doc Brown. APPLAUSE. Our guest conductor is no
:15:38. > :15:43.stranger to the Proms, having performed to over 30,000 people in
:15:43. > :15:45.Hyde Park as part of the BBC's Last Night of The Proms coverage in 2008.
:15:45. > :15:51.Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Sue Perkins!
:15:51. > :15:55.APPLAUSE. There is an old saying, you play
:15:55. > :15:59.the Royal Albert Hall twice in your career, once on the way up, once on
:15:59. > :16:07.the way down. I always thought when I played this
:16:07. > :16:17.place again, I would be in a breastplate, in horns. And being
:16:17. > :16:25.
:16:25. > :16:33.forced to saying the word, penis. I am being heckled by a woodland
:16:33. > :16:43.creature. I and Nelson the fox. I am an enormous fan. I have seen all
:16:43. > :16:45.
:16:45. > :16:55.of your work. Of course, Maestro, the conducting Competition were you
:16:55. > :16:58.
:16:58. > :17:08.beat Goldie. I did actually meet Goldie the Where do you stand on
:17:08. > :17:11.
:17:11. > :17:17.toxoplasmosis? As far away as possible! We are not so different.
:17:17. > :17:22.We are erudite. We have both paraded in his late at night. Been
:17:22. > :17:27.chased by packs of angry dogs. We have both bitten children now and
:17:27. > :17:35.then. This might seem like a crazy suggestion. But I will say it
:17:35. > :17:45.anyway. We are out the Royal Albert Hall. Would you like to sing a song
:17:45. > :17:51.
:17:51. > :18:01.from The Mongrels? Here's: Middleclass Is Magical, from the
:18:01. > :18:13.
:18:13. > :18:17.multi-award-winning hit BBC Three # A safe world free from strife
:18:17. > :18:19.# Let bad things happen to other folk while you read Country Life.
:18:19. > :18:23.# Buy an Aga. # Wear a Monsoon dress.
:18:23. > :18:26.# Get your food from M&S. # Own an iPhone.
:18:27. > :18:32.# Watch Bear Grylls. # Take anti-depressant pills.
:18:32. > :18:34.# Middle class is magical. # Drive a 4x4 to school.
:18:34. > :18:37.# Keep three sorts of hummus in your fridge.
:18:37. > :18:41.# Makeover your downstairs loo. # Learn to salsa.
:18:41. > :18:44.# Ski in Verbier. # Drink too much Chilean Chardonnay.
:18:44. > :18:54.# Ignore the homeless. # Don't mind burkhas.
:18:54. > :18:58.
:18:58. > :19:01.# When all the world is middle class.
:19:01. > :19:03.# There'll be no poverty or starvation.
:19:03. > :19:07.# Cos we'll all grow our own mange tout.
:19:07. > :19:12.# And Myleene Klass will rule the nation.
:19:13. > :19:17.# Because: middle class is magical. # Join us and you'll see.
:19:17. > :19:22.# You're already half-way there because you're not watching ITV!
:19:22. > :19:25.# Yes, middle class is magical. # What matters is what we wear.
:19:25. > :19:31.# Let's pay someone else to do the difficult jobs.
:19:31. > :19:41.# While we work on our hair! # Middle class is magical Yeah!
:19:41. > :20:00.
:20:01. > :20:10.APPLAUSE. 8. TIM INTRO TO LULLABY. This is a lullaby. I wrote it for
:20:11. > :20:18.
:20:18. > :20:23.# Sleep little baby, sleep now my love.
:20:23. > :20:27.# The Milky Way's shining high up above.
:20:27. > :20:35.# When you grow up, you will learn all that stuff.
:20:35. > :20:42.# But for now, close your eyes. # Close your eyes.
:20:42. > :20:46.# Sleep little baby, try not to squawk.
:20:46. > :20:50.# Tomorrow and tomorrow you'll learn how to walk.
:20:50. > :20:57.# To love and laugh, to eat toast and talk.
:20:57. > :21:03.# But for now, beddy-byes. # Your blanket's hand-knitted with
:21:03. > :21:08.pure angora wool. # Your nappy is dry and your tummy
:21:08. > :21:15.is full. # Of enough antihistamine to
:21:15. > :21:20.placate a bull. # Yet still all this gringeing.
:21:20. > :21:25.# What more could you want for? I just cannot guess.
:21:25. > :21:28.# You constantly complain to me, when you should feel blessed.
:21:28. > :21:38.# There are children in Africa, starving to death.
:21:38. > :21:40.
:21:40. > :21:46.# And you don't hear them whingeing. # What more can I do to put a stop
:21:46. > :21:51.to this mind numbing noise you are making?
:21:52. > :21:59.# Where is the line between patting and hitting?
:21:59. > :22:03.# When is rocking "rocking" and when is it "shaking"?
:22:03. > :22:08.# I don't know what else I can try to try to hush you.
:22:08. > :22:11.# My heart knows I love you but my brain's saying (BLEEP) you.
:22:11. > :22:16.# And hoping a child trafficker will abduct you.
:22:16. > :22:20.# At least then I'd get a few hours in bed.
:22:20. > :22:25.# I've shooshed and I've cooed and I've even try to sing:
:22:25. > :22:30.# Obladi, oblada, in the exact voice of Ringo.
:22:30. > :22:40.# Now all I have left is to hope that a dingo will sneak in and rip
:22:40. > :23:11.
:23:11. > :23:14.# Hush little baby, don't say a word.
:23:14. > :23:20.# Papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird.
:23:20. > :23:30.# In the hope you get avian flu. # The nice folk in A&E will take
:23:30. > :24:07.
:24:07. > :24:13.# That's it, close you're eyes, sshhh, not a sound.
:24:13. > :24:18.# I can barely see your tiny chest move up and down.
:24:18. > :24:22.# One thing they don't mention in parenting books.
:24:22. > :24:32.# Your love for them grows, the closer to dead they look. APPLAUSE.
:24:32. > :24:47.
:24:47. > :24:50.Ladies and gentlemen, please maintain and enhance your applause
:24:50. > :25:00.for the indescribable phenomenon that is: The Boy With Tape On His
:25:00. > :25:01.
:25:01. > :30:54.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:30:54. > :31:01.Sorry, I don't suppose I'll get many more opportunities to do that.
:31:01. > :31:05.APPLAUSE That is Light My Fire on the Royal
:31:05. > :31:12.Albert Hall organ, I think I can particular tick that off my bucket
:31:12. > :31:17.list. This next duo have been compared in the press to a modern-
:31:17. > :31:20.day Flanders and Swann. They have been all over the country. Really,
:31:20. > :31:26.the kind of act that represent everything a a Comedy Prom should
:31:26. > :31:36.be and would have been if my agent hadn't of slept with the Head of
:31:36. > :31:46.
:31:46. > :31:50.Radio 3. Please welcome the beautiful kit and the Widow.
:31:51. > :31:55.Lavatory seats, I know the vandals are at the gates, but, Henry Wood
:31:55. > :31:59.must be spinning in his grave. Listen to that, we can hear him.
:31:59. > :32:08.Are we in the right place? There should be a found fountain.
:32:08. > :32:13.Somewhere here there should be a fountain. Did it get lost in the
:32:13. > :32:20.looting. First down market. No fountain we could help by trying to
:32:20. > :32:24.raise the tone. Raise the musical bar this is the Albert Hall and the
:32:24. > :32:29.Proms. We should include some music by the man who, is without question,
:32:29. > :32:36.the it greatest composer alive in this country. In this country and
:32:36. > :32:44.Europe and the world. His brother was playing his cello? There was a
:32:44. > :32:54.little bit of Holts. I refer, of course, to Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber,
:32:54. > :32:55.
:32:55. > :33:00.may his tribe increase. He name is Lord Webber. I am not worthy.
:33:00. > :33:06.I am not worthy. These things are important. Since we seem to be
:33:06. > :33:15.chasing the Saturday night ratings what better to place - If you could
:33:15. > :33:19.remember that his name is Lord, Lord Lloyd Webber, baron of
:33:19. > :33:25.Sydmonton. He's styled Baron. Nothing to do with his musical
:33:25. > :33:34.imagination. He's styled Barren. His place is rightfully here. We
:33:34. > :33:41.will share with you tonight # You too can write a great West
:33:41. > :33:45.End score # Steal it from somebody else
:33:45. > :33:50.# The public will clamour, the public will roar
:33:50. > :33:56.# He they won't know the best tunes were written before
:33:56. > :34:02.# Prod their memories # With some musical aero
:34:02. > :34:05.# That sounds quite like bolero # And sits back as it sells
:34:06. > :34:15.# You too can write a great West End score
:34:16. > :34:17.
:34:17. > :34:24.# Steal it from somebody else # Young Mendelssohn wrote this
:34:24. > :34:34.# Lovely violin tune # I don't know, but I love it
:34:34. > :34:37.
:34:37. > :34:43.# I don't see why it moves me # Goldener Tro pft
:34:43. > :34:47.# Blattund Blatt # I bet Richard Strauss couldn't
:34:47. > :34:57.think of that # Open up your mind
:34:57. > :35:04.# Let your fantasies unwind # And if Puccini's Fanciulla sounds
:35:04. > :35:08.the same # Better that than rip-off La
:35:08. > :35:10.Boheme # You too can write a great West
:35:10. > :35:12.End score # Steal it from somebody else
:35:12. > :35:18.# It's very easy # Don't think it's strange
:35:18. > :35:21.# All you need is a piece from Bach # And no-one will know once you've
:35:21. > :35:24.made the odd change # It's an illusion
:35:24. > :35:31.# It's not as original as they all claim
:35:31. > :35:37.# It's the prelude in C all the time
:35:37. > :35:44.# But the royalties still stay stay the same
:35:44. > :35:54.# Wolltempierte Klavier # Fugue In E Major
:35:54. > :35:56.
:35:56. > :36:00.# Sung high by Michael Ball # Love changes bugger all #
:36:00. > :36:05.Excuse me. Trouble. There is a disturbance. Security, we have
:36:05. > :36:14.trouble. Excuse me much I need to have a word with you. Do you know
:36:14. > :36:23.who this is? There is a rogue Bullock. Do we have a Matador in
:36:23. > :36:26.the house. What are you doing down there? I neat need a strict word
:36:26. > :36:35.with you. I can't concentrate when you are dressed like. That excuse
:36:36. > :36:41.me. What is this? Trousers. Trousers at the Albert Hall. You
:36:41. > :36:48.are a soprano. And? You are dressed like a mezzo. Excuse me. Do I look
:36:48. > :36:53.like the sort of girl who is about to break into a dark opera aria.
:36:53. > :36:57.Let's only hope not. Aren't you four weeks early? Into I'm getting
:36:57. > :37:05.practice. She is doing the last night, ladies and gentlemen. This
:37:05. > :37:13.is it. Meanwhile. I have the most marvellous song time song here.
:37:13. > :37:23.do now? Absolutely. I can't wait. Which one? This one. Ladies and
:37:23. > :37:38.
:37:38. > :37:48.gentlemen, # Tall and slender like an apolo he
:37:48. > :37:48.
:37:48. > :37:54.goes walking by # I have to follow him
:37:54. > :38:04.# The boy from Sondheim # When I meet I feel we are on fire
:38:04. > :38:07.
:38:07. > :38:17.# I'm breathless every time I enquire
:38:17. > :38:19.
:38:19. > :38:27.# Why when I speak does he vanish # Why is he acting so clanish
:38:27. > :38:34.# I wish I understoon stood Spanish # When I tell hem I think he's the
:38:34. > :38:37.# He giggles a lot with his friend # Tall and slender moves like a
:38:37. > :38:47.dancer # But I never to get any answer
:38:47. > :38:55.
:38:55. > :39:00.# Why are his trousers vermillion? # His trousers are vermillion.
:39:00. > :39:05.# Why does he claim he's Castilian? # He thayth that he'th Cathtilian.
:39:05. > :39:12.# Why do his friends call him Lillian?
:39:12. > :39:15.# And I hear at the end of the week he's leaving to start a boutique.
:39:15. > :39:19.# Though I smile, I'm only pretending.
:39:19. > :39:22.# Cos I know today's the last I'll be spending with the boy from
:39:22. > :39:31.Tacarembo La Tumbe Del Fuego Santa Malipas Zatatecas La Junta Del Sol
:39:31. > :39:40.Y Cruz. # Tomorrow he sails.
:39:40. > :39:42.# He's moving to Wales. # To live in:
:39:42. > :39:52.Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyr ndrobullllandysiliogogogoch!
:39:52. > :40:32.
:40:32. > :40:36.# Fairy liquid sq ueeges and dismembered brollies
:40:36. > :40:40.# Coco cola cans and rusting shopping trolleys
:40:40. > :40:45.# Several discarded single black dock martens
:40:45. > :40:55.# Hoards and hoards of old MacDonalds cart ins
:40:55. > :40:56.
:40:56. > :40:58.# Half a Fiat126 to claim the # Bottles labelled Cherryade and
:40:58. > :41:02.Rocket Thunder. # Empty packs of cigarettes and
:41:02. > :41:09.Golden Wonder. # Toys that you get given free at
:41:09. > :41:11.# Plastic fobs from Henley members' reservations.
:41:11. > :41:14.# Orange peel and Castrol Superlube containers.
:41:14. > :41:21.# Bacofoil and Adidas athletic trainers.
:41:21. > :41:30.# Double blade disposable blue razorblades. And look, there are:
:41:30. > :41:32.# Part disintegrating bit of perch and tench.
:41:32. > :41:34.# And floating recent life that won't bear close attention.
:41:34. > :41:38.# Shiny pools of manganese and benzochloride.
:41:38. > :41:42.# Sulphurous waves of petrofluoride. # Sewage treated and untreated in
:41:42. > :41:45.profusion. # Drainings from an engine sump in
:41:45. > :41:52.part solution. # Old car batteries sitting on the
:41:52. > :41:55.glorious placid shoreline leaking acid.
:41:55. > :41:59.# And washed down from lovely shimmering Derwentwater:
:41:59. > :42:03.# One whole sheep marked "radioactive, do not slaughter".
:42:03. > :42:08.# Canisters with skull and crossbones part revealed.
:42:08. > :42:12.# Canisters unmarked just saying, "Sellafield".
:42:12. > :42:17.# Banks of vegetation standing rotting sweetly.
:42:17. > :42:27.# Banks where vegetation's given up completely.
:42:27. > :42:30.
:42:30. > :42:35.# There I sat down and I saw a swan of purest whiteness gently lying.
:42:35. > :42:39.# Saw a swan of purest whiteness, slowly dying.
:42:39. > :42:43.# Saw a swan enmeshed in bits of anglers' twine.
:42:43. > :42:47.# Poisoned by the lead weights on a fishing line.
:42:47. > :42:51.# And many people rushing forward who cried to see it.
:42:51. > :42:55.# Many people rushing forward who tried to free it.
:42:55. > :43:01.# Saw the swan, who lifted up her failing head.
:43:01. > :43:04.# Saw them gasp to hear her as she quietly said:
:43:04. > :43:12.# "You'll no doubt have heard how swans refrain from crying, up until
:43:12. > :43:19.the moment that we find we're dying. # Charming, but as you can see, by
:43:19. > :43:27.then it's not much use. # Quite apart from which, swans
:43:27. > :43:37.aren't responsible, you know. # So, what's your excuse?"
:43:37. > :43:37.
:43:37. > :44:42.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:44:42. > :44:47.The pianist Danny Driver and the conductor Andrew Litton are world
:44:47. > :44:57.reknowned artists working at the top of their field. It says in my
:44:57. > :45:02.
:45:02. > :45:08.notes that Danny was to play Grieg's poo concerto, but I met the
:45:08. > :45:16.conductor in the loo and he was waving his baton around wildly,
:45:16. > :45:26.insisting he was con ducking Tchaikovsky. Either way, please
:45:26. > :45:26.
:45:26. > :55:34.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:55:34. > :55:44.welcome Andrew Litton and Danny Andrew Litton and Danny Driver.
:55:44. > :55:46.
:55:46. > :55:51.Performing the famous Concerto Popolare by Franz Reizenstein.
:55:51. > :55:58.Probably not a good idea to get an actual musician to do an actual
:55:58. > :56:04.piece of music. I am feeling insecure, threatened. I am going to
:56:04. > :56:14.do what I have always done in my life. It has served me well. When I
:56:14. > :56:18.
:56:18. > :56:28.feel threatened. I do something I have a box full of stupid people
:56:28. > :56:31.
:56:31. > :56:34.to support me! This is a piece I wrote a long time ago. # I've been
:56:34. > :56:36.having a little a problem recently. # Which is quite disturbing
:56:36. > :56:37.musical-ically. # Involving a semi-tonal
:56:37. > :56:40.discrepancy. # Vocally and instrumentally.
:56:40. > :56:45.# You see, musicians of different varieties prefer playing in
:56:45. > :56:53.particular keys. # And singers, too, treat
:56:53. > :56:57.preferentially those notes they tackle more proficiently.
:56:57. > :57:01.# Now, you don't have to be a member of Mensa to understand the
:57:02. > :57:05.depths of my dilemma. # The two elements of me favour two
:57:05. > :57:08.different keys. # Thus the rift betwixt my fingers
:57:08. > :57:11.and my tenor. # I love nothing more than playing
:57:11. > :57:16.instruments in F. # It warms the very cockles of my
:57:16. > :57:20.heart. # The trouble is that F can leave
:57:20. > :57:30.me vocally bereft, you see. # I like playing in F major. But I
:57:30. > :57:34.
:57:34. > :57:37.like singing in F sharp. # F sharp. F sharp.
:57:37. > :57:41.# I refuse to be beholden to my hands.
:57:41. > :57:44.# I don't see why my larynx should give in to their demands.
:57:44. > :57:50.# I will not be forced to compromise my art.
:57:50. > :58:00.# And so I just keep playing in F major and singing in F sharp.
:58:00. > :58:10.# F sharp. F sharp. # I'll keep playing in F major, and
:58:10. > :58:35.
:58:35. > :58:39.You have to use what skills you have got. Ladies and gentleman,
:58:39. > :58:49.please welcome back to the stage: Kit And The Widow. And the two Sues,
:58:49. > :59:08.
:59:08. > :59:11.So do whatever is necessary, get your friends, adjust. On this
:59:11. > :59:17.Comedy Prom has a programme we could not possibly not have the
:59:17. > :59:27.greatest comedy song ever. The greatest comedy song of all time,
:59:27. > :59:34.which needs no introduction. Do you know this song? Can you look like a
:59:34. > :59:44.hippopotamus? Can we sing together? It will be very encouraging to me.
:59:44. > :00:01.
:00:01. > :00:09.# A bold hippopotamus was standing one day.
:00:09. > :00:15.# On the banks of the cool Shalimar. # He gazed at the bottom as it
:00:15. > :00:17.peacefully lay. # By the light of the evening star.
:00:17. > :00:25.# Away on a hilltop sat combing her hair.
:00:25. > :00:34.# His fair hippopotamine maid. # The hippo-pot-amus was no
:00:34. > :00:39.ignoramus. # And sang her this sweet serenade.
:00:39. > :00:45.# Mud, mud, glorious mud. # Nothing quite like it for cooling
:00:45. > :00:49.the blood. # So follow me, follow down to the
:00:49. > :00:59.hollow. # And there let us wallow in
:00:59. > :01:02.
:01:02. > :01:05.glorious mud. What a chest. # The fair hippopotama he aimed to
:01:05. > :01:10.entice. # From here seen on the hilltop
:01:10. > :01:17.above. # As she had not got a ma to give
:01:17. > :01:20.her advice. # Came tip-toeing down to her love.
:01:20. > :01:28.# Like thunder the forest re-echoed the sound of the song that they
:01:28. > :01:37.sang as they met. # His enamorata adjusted her garter
:01:38. > :01:43.and lifted her voice in duet. # Mud, mud, glorious mud
:01:43. > :01:51.# Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.
:01:51. > :02:01.# So follow me, follow down to the hollow.
:02:01. > :02:22.
:02:22. > :02:28.# And there let us wallow in glorious mud. The Boy With Tape On
:02:28. > :02:37.His Face and Tim Minchim. Do you want to do a duet? Why not. That
:02:37. > :02:47.would be really fantastic. Oh, yes. It's not safe any more. It's called
:02:47. > :02:47.
:02:47. > :05:44.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:05:44. > :05:51.I hit a Bottrill tomorrow A. Most musicians spend years and years
:05:51. > :05:56.trainges their fingers to do more and more intricate tasks. The guest
:05:56. > :06:02.guest spent years and years sitting in his bedroom with a moibg
:06:02. > :06:12.microphone figuring out ways to make us all look pretty boring. He
:06:12. > :06:12.
:06:12. > :06:22.is an or al wizard labial-magician and lingual-wizard, please put your
:06:22. > :06:22.
:06:22. > :08:46.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:08:46. > :08:56.hands together for the not very Improvisation of Pachelbel's
:08:56. > :09:14.
:09:14. > :09:19.APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, I do
:09:19. > :09:23.apologise if you were actually enjoying that, ladies and gentlemen,
:09:23. > :09:33.but I wasn't. It was doing my nut. All right. I tell you what. Here is
:09:33. > :09:50.
:09:50. > :10:00.a little something for you. How Nah, it's a bit much, really, isn't
:10:00. > :10:07.it? It's the Proms. You can't do that at the Proms, no. Saint's
:10:07. > :10:10.preserve us. Grill my cockels or whatever it is. It should be more
:10:10. > :10:17.appropriate for the environment. Here it goes. Could somebody give
:10:17. > :10:27.me a concert A, please. #Me,me,me... #
:10:27. > :10:27.
:10:27. > :13:27.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:13:27. > :13:35.JAZZ (sound slows down) (sound JAZZ INSTRUMENTAL.
:13:35. > :13:38.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 1, 2, 3, 4.
:13:38. > :13:45.# We're going to do another little thing
:13:45. > :13:48.# You know that I'm going to the future yet yes
:13:48. > :13:51.# I know you are will be impressed if you can hear the words I want to
:13:51. > :13:55.get off my chest # Can you hear what I'm saying to
:13:55. > :13:59.# All I want to do right now # Is tell you all I don't know how
:13:59. > :14:03.# All I'm doing this with my mind # You will find,
:14:03. > :14:07.# I didn't write any of this # It's coming off the top of my
:14:07. > :14:10.head this # That's why the next line won't
:14:10. > :14:13.rhythm at all # 1, 2, 3, 4
:14:13. > :14:16.# Yeah # I want to tell you it's been nice
:14:16. > :14:20.playing for you # I've got to go
:14:20. > :14:26.# I adore you # Now, it's time for me to say
:14:26. > :14:36.goodbye # Stop, stop, stop, stop maybe, 1,
:14:36. > :14:36.
:14:36. > :15:38.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:15:38. > :15:48.maybe 2, maybe 3 maybe 4 This is a song about prejudice, and
:15:48. > :16:01.
:16:01. > :16:11.the language of prejudice. And the power of the language of prejudice.
:16:11. > :16:16.
:16:16. > :16:23.# In our modern free-spoken society, # There is a word that we still
:16:23. > :16:26.hold taboo. # A word with a terrible history of
:16:26. > :16:31.being used to abuse, oppress and subdue.
:16:31. > :16:36.# Just six seemingly harmless letters.
:16:36. > :16:46.# Arranged in a way that will form a word with more power than the
:16:46. > :16:46.
:16:46. > :16:51.pieces of metal that are forged to make swords.
:16:51. > :17:00.# A couple of Gs. # An R and an E.
:17:00. > :17:06.# An I and an N. # Just six little letters, all
:17:06. > :17:09.jumbled together, have caused damage that we may never mend.
:17:09. > :17:16.# And it's important that we all respect that, if these people
:17:16. > :17:23.should happen to choose # To reclaim the word as their own.
:17:24. > :17:27.# It doesn't mean the rest of you have the right to its use.
:17:27. > :17:30.# So never underestimate the power that language imparts.
:17:30. > :17:34.# Sticks and stones may break your bones.
:17:34. > :17:36.# But words can break hearts. # A couple of Gs.
:17:36. > :17:40.# (Geez unless you've had to live it).
:17:40. > :17:44.# An R and an E. # (Even I am careful with it).
:17:44. > :17:54.# An I and an N. # In the end it will only offend.
:17:54. > :18:09.
:18:09. > :18:14.# Don't wanna have to spell it out # Only a ginger can call another
:18:14. > :18:20.ginger "ginger". # Only a ginger can call another
:18:20. > :18:22.ginger "ginger". # So listen to me, if you care for
:18:22. > :18:25.your health. # You don't call me ginger unless
:18:25. > :18:31.your ginger yourself. # Only a ginger can call another
:18:31. > :18:34.ginger "ginger". # When you are a ginger, life is
:18:34. > :18:37.pretty hard. # The years of ritual bullying in
:18:37. > :18:39.the school yard. # Kids callin' you "ranga" and
:18:39. > :18:43."Fanta pants". # No invitations to the high school
:18:43. > :18:46.dance. # But ya get up and learn to hold
:18:46. > :18:50.our head up. # Ya try to keep ya cool and not
:18:50. > :18:53.get het up. # But until the feeling of ill has
:18:53. > :18:56.truly let up. # Then the word is ours and ours
:18:56. > :18:59.alone, don't ya know. # Only a ginger can call another
:18:59. > :19:05.ginger "ginger". # Only a ginger can call another
:19:05. > :19:09.ginger "ginger". # So if you call us "ginge", we
:19:09. > :19:13.just might come unhinged. # If you don't got a fringe with at
:19:13. > :19:16.least a tinge of the ginge in it. # Only a ginger can call another
:19:16. > :19:18.ginger "ginger". # Now listen to me, we're not
:19:18. > :19:26.looking for sympathy. # Just because we're sensitive to
:19:26. > :19:30.# Just because we're pathetically pale.
:19:30. > :19:34.# We do all right with the females. # Yeah, I like to ask the ladies
:19:34. > :19:38.round for ginger beer. # And soon they're running their
:19:38. > :19:41.fingers through my ginger beard. # And dunkin' my ginger nuts into
:19:41. > :19:43.their ginger tea, yeah. # And asking can they call me
:19:43. > :19:45."Ginge". # And I say, I don't think that's
:19:46. > :19:48.appropriate. # Cos only a ginger can call
:19:48. > :19:52.another ginger "ginger". # Only a ginger can call another
:19:52. > :19:56.ginger "ginger". # All the ladies, they agree, it's
:19:56. > :19:58.a fact: # Once you gone ginge, you can't go
:19:58. > :20:08.back. # Only a ginger can call another
:20:08. > :20:26.
:20:26. > :20:30.# You can call us "bozo" or "fire truck".
:20:30. > :20:36.# You can even call us "carrot top" or "bloodnut"
:20:36. > :20:39.# Yeah, you can call us "matchstick" or "tampon".
:20:39. > :20:42.# But muckin' with the G-word is just not on.
:20:42. > :20:45.# If you're a gingerphobe and you don't like us.
:20:45. > :20:48.# We'll stand up to the fight if you wanna fight us.
:20:48. > :20:51.# But if you cut yourself, you might catch gingervitis.
:20:51. > :20:55.# So maybe you should shut your funky mouth.
:20:55. > :21:00.# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".
:21:00. > :21:04.# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".
:21:04. > :21:08.# So if you call us ginge, you can't whinge if you're injured.
:21:08. > :21:12.# If you don't have a tinge of the ginge in your minge.
:21:12. > :21:16.# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".
:21:16. > :21:18.# And I know my kids will always be clothed and fed.
:21:18. > :21:25.# Cos daddy's gonna bringin' home the ginger bread.
:21:25. > :21:29.# And they'll be pretty smart because they will be well-read.
:21:29. > :21:32.# And by read, I mean read, and the other kind of red.
:21:32. > :21:34.# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".
:21:34. > :21:40.# Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".
:21:40. > :21:45.# Just like only a ninja can sneak up on another ninja.
:21:45. > :21:48.# Only a ginger, only a ginger, only a ginger, yeah.
:21:48. > :21:56.# Are you listening-a? # I'm not pointing the finger.
:21:56. > :21:59.# I'm just having a sing-a. # I am just reminding ya.
:21:59. > :22:09.# That only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".
:22:09. > :22:27.
:22:27. > :22:31.And learned that, my friends, is Then I hope you have had a
:22:32. > :22:41.wonderful night here at the Proms. I hadn't thought what I would say
:22:42. > :23:16.
:23:16. > :23:20.here. Do Go nuts! Deed cello is Please thank Doc Brown! Thank you
:23:20. > :23:30.for not stereotyping may, if you do, I will do so you drugs and kill
:23:30. > :23:30.
:23:30. > :24:45.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:24:45. > :24:55.you! Jules Buckley. And the BBC Concert
:24:55. > :24:55.
:24:55. > :27:51.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:27:51. > :27:54.And this has been your Comedy Prom I basically saw this concert as an
:27:54. > :28:01.opportunity to force incredible musicians to do what I wanted them
:28:01. > :28:11.to do. And, this is probably the most self indulgent of these four
:28:11. > :28:40.
:28:40. > :28:45.things. This is my private # This is my Earth and I live in it.
:28:45. > :28:49.# It's one third dirt and two thirds water.
:28:49. > :28:59.# And it rotates and revolves through space at rather an
:28:59. > :28:59.
:28:59. > :29:02.impressive pace. # And never even messes up my hair.
:29:02. > :29:06.# And here's the really weird thing:
:29:06. > :29:16.# The force created by its spin is the force that stops the chaos
:29:16. > :29:25.flooding in. # This is my Earth and it's fine.
:29:26. > :29:35.# It's where I spend the vast majority of my time.
:29:36. > :29:44.
:29:44. > :29:53.# It's not perfect but it's mine. # It's not perfect.
:29:53. > :30:00.# This is my house and I live in it. # It's made of cracks and
:30:01. > :30:05.photographs. # We bought it from a guy who
:30:05. > :30:14.bought it from a guy. # Who bought it from a guy whose
:30:14. > :30:18.granddad left it to him. # And the weirdest thing is that
:30:18. > :30:25.this house has locks to keep the baddies out.
:30:25. > :30:34.# But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in.
:30:34. > :30:44.# This is my house and it's fine. # It's where I spend the vast
:30:44. > :30:46.
:30:46. > :30:56.majority of my time. # It's not perfect but it's mine.
:30:56. > :31:17.
:31:17. > :31:20.# This is my body and I live in it. # It's 35 and 10 months old.
:31:20. > :31:24.# It's changed a lot since it was new.
:31:24. > :31:30.# It's done stuff it wasn't built to do.
:31:30. > :31:37.# I often try to fill it up with wine.
:31:37. > :31:44.# And the weirdest thing about it is I spend so much time hating it.
:31:44. > :31:52.# But it never says a bad word about me.
:31:52. > :32:02.# This is my body and it's fine. # It's where I spend the vast
:32:02. > :32:03.
:32:03. > :32:13.majority of my time. # It's not perfect but it's mine.
:32:13. > :32:26.
:32:27. > :32:35.# This is my brain and I live in it. # It's made of love and bad song
:32:35. > :32:39.lyrics. # It's tucked away behind my eyes
:32:39. > :32:49.where all my screwed up thoughts can hide.
:32:49. > :32:49.
:32:49. > :32:53.# Cos, God forbid I hurt somebody. # And the weirdest thing about a
:32:53. > :33:03.mind is that every answer that you find is the basis of a brand new
:33:03. > :33:05.
:33:05. > :33:12.cliche. # This is my brain and it's fine.
:33:12. > :33:22.# It's where I spend the vast majority of my time.
:33:22. > :33:31.
:33:31. > :33:40.# It's not perfect but it's mine. # It's not perfect.
:33:40. > :33:50.# I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it.
:33:50. > :33:50.
:33:50. > :34:32.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 44 seconds
:34:32. > :34:42.My new friends. Thank you Jules, thank you BBC Concert Orchestra.
:34:42. > :34:50.
:34:50. > :34:55.Thank you so much for coming. Enjoy The BBC's first ever Comedy Prom.
:34:55. > :35:03.We didn't know what to expect, but the audience here have loved this
:35:03. > :35:13.evening. Of course, hosted by the fabulously talented, Tim Minchim.
:35:13. > :35:17.
:35:17. > :35:21.Tomorrow evening, on BBC Four there is another chance to see in Marl's
:35:21. > :35:26.Second symphony. I will be back next Saturday for an evening of
:35:26. > :35:35.glitz and glamour when John Wilson and his ok orchestra return to the