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0:00:30 > 0:00:34- I have a friend called Arnold. - What a character!
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- To make him laugh on Monday, - tell him the joke on Friday.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45- He was walking down the street one - day, with a brick under each arm.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49- "Where are you going?" I asked. - "Don't talk to me," he said.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- "A local lad threw a brick - through our window last night."
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- "Are you going to pay him back?" - "Yes," he replied.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- "Why do you need two bricks?" "He's - got double glazing," he replied.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14- He was driving down the road once, - when a chicken passed him...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- ..doing 80mph.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- He could see the chicken - was unusual. It had three legs.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- He was scared stiff.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- He pulled in, to catch his breath. - A passing farmer asked if he was OK.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35- "Yes," he replied. "A chicken - just passed me doing 70 mph.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- "It was an odd chicken, - it had three legs."
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- "I know," said the farmer. "It's - one of our chickens. We breed them."
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- "Why the three legs?" - asked my friend.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- "I'll tell you," replied the farmer. - "I like the leg.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- "My wife likes the leg - and my son likes the leg.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- "So we breed them three-legged." - "What do they taste like?"
0:02:06 > 0:02:10- "I don't know," replied the farmer. - "I haven't caught one yet."
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- He'd been out for a walk one - afternoon. He had to catch a train.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Standing at a gate, he could see - the train was at the station.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- If he took the long way round, - he'd miss the train.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Who happened to pass but the farmer.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- "Excuse me," he asked the farmer.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- "If I cross this field, - will I catch the 3.30 train?"
0:02:42 > 0:02:46- The farmer replied, "If the bull - sees you, you'll catch the 1.30."
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- My friend Meirion - wanted to sell a car.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- The 3-year-old car - had done 75,000 miles.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06- I told him, "You'll never sell it - with 75,000 on the clock.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- "Turn the clock back". - "Good idea," he replied.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- He turned the clock back to 9,000.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18- Really!
0:03:19 > 0:03:24- I saw him a month later. "Did you - sell the car?" "Don't be daft.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- "Where else would I find a 3 year - old car that's only done 9,000?"
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- This is the setting. - John Hughes is on a ship.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- The moon is full, - the stars are shining.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- He looks out to sea, - with a box in his hand.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50- He lifts the lid.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Inside, there is a small pot.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00- He puts his hand in the pot, - then throws the ashes onto the sea.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- The captain passes by, greets him - and asks, "What are you doing?"
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- "I'm scattering my mother-in-law's - ashes on the waves," he replied.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16- "You must have thought the world - of her," said the captain.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- "No," he replied. "I hate fish."
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- You caught me on the hop! - Hang on a sec.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45- Ha!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47- Hello!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49- Hello.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- Walter Tomos speaking, - in case you forgot who I am.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- There's a good gang here. - A full shed.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- I know her! How are you? What's up? - Was the question too difficult?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Do you want to ask the audience, - take 50-50 or phone a friend?
0:08:15 > 0:08:16- How are you?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- Which of us is cross-eyed?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Are you alright?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Final answer?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- Who wants to be a millionaire? - I don't.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- I've never tried the lottery. - Knowing my luck, I'd probably win.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- I had trouble finding - my way here this evening.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- Tell the truth, I wasn't sure - where 'Llanerddymech' was.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01- I asked Mr Picton - where 'Llanerddymech' was.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- "Don't you know?" he asked. - "No," I replied.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- "Do you know where Rhos-y-bol is?" - "Yes," said I.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- "Lift your shirt," he said. - So I did.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- "Rhos-y-bol is there," he said.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Who said Anglesey was flat?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Here's Bodafon Mountain.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- "Here's Rhos-y-bol," he said. - "Go down the road."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Goodness, there's a little - red spot here!
0:09:49 > 0:09:50- Can you see it?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- What is it, I wonder?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- I know, it's a traffic light!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- Sorry for laughing, - I hadn't heard that one myself.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- "Where next?" I asked. - "Straight down," he said.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- "How far down must I go?" said I.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- You're getting ahead of me now!
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- "Just to the roundabout, - then turn left," he said.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- So that's what I did. - I arrived in this little village.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- I asked a man where I was. - "Maenaddwyn," he replied.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- "Man U to win? - Yes, but where am I?" said I.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Where do you come from?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56- Llanddona.
0:10:56 > 0:10:56- Llanddona. - - Where?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57- Llanddona. - - Where? - - Llanddona.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59- Llanddona?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Hang on, I'll get the map.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09- Whereabouts is Llanddona?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- Am I getting warmer?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Around here?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- You live in a forest, do you?
0:11:23 > 0:11:29- Oh! Do you know where that is? - Moelfre.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Don't ask me - to show you Din Lligwy!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58-
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Farmers, like myself, enjoy a bit - of solitude. We don't like fuss.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- During one holiday, - Wil stayed in a Bed and Breakfast.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- The lady owner was quite sharp.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- You didn't disturb her - unless you had to.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- But Wil had an urgent request.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- "Mrs Jones, there's no toilet - paper since yesterday."
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- "Good grief! You've a tongue in your - mouth, haven't you?" she replied.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- "Of course, but I haven't - a neck like a giraffe's!"
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- A husband and wife - were on holiday in America.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- They met a Welsh-speaking American. - "Where do you come from?" he asked.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- "Aberystwyth."
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- The Welshman's wife was rather - bad tempered and slightly deaf.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- "What did he say?" she asked. - "He asked where we came from." "Oh."
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- "I was in Aberystwyth during the - War." "What did he say?" she asked.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- "He was in Aberystwyth - during the War." "Oh."
0:13:23 > 0:13:28- "I courted an Aberystwyth girl - for four years." "What did he say?"
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- "He dated an Aberystwyth girl - for four years." "Oh."
0:13:34 > 0:13:40- "She was an ugly bag," the American - added. "And she was tight."
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- "What did he say?" - "He knows you well."
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- A bloke went to see his doctor.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- He wasn't feeling well.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02- The doctor examined him - and could find nothing wrong.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- "Just answer me a question or two. - Do you smoke?" the doctor asked.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- "Yes, I smoke the occasional fag - and a cigar at Christmas time.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13- "Nothing much."
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- "Do you drink?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- "I like my pint. I might drink more - on Saturday night. Nothing stupid."
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- "Fair enough", the doctor said, - "You do realise...
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- ..cigarettes and alcohol - are slow poisons."
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- "I'm in no hurry," Wil said.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- It's difficult to get to see - the doctor these days.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- First, you have to pass - the receptionist.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Aren't they pompous?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- They're pompous, cross - and some are very nosy too.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- I saw the doctor last week - and asked the receptionist...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- .."Can I see the doctor, love?"
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- "Have you got an appointment?" - she asked, as they do.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- "You can't, without an appointment."
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- "No," I replied. "I didn't know I - was going to be ill this morning.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- "When can I have an appointment?"
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Then they begin to flip the pages, - don't they, looking cross.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- "1.45pm, a week Wednesday. - Don't be late."
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- "Fine," I said. - "If I'm alive, I'll come back."
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- I saw the doctor last week. - Don't they ask silly questions?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- She was a very pretty lady doctor.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- Very shapely, too. "Problems with - the waterworks?" she asked. "Yes."
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- "Take your trousers off," she said.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- "I haven't even bought you - a drink yet," I said.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- "Does it burn - when you pass water?" she asked.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- "I've never put a match to it," - I replied.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16- The best doctor story I've heard - was about old Mrs Jones, Ty Pen.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- She was 84 and went to the doctor - about a problem with her backside.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- A dreadful smell - emanated from her rear.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- The doctor put her to lie down - on the couch, to examine her.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- "May I ask a personal question, - Mrs Jones?" asked the doctor.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- "Anything, doctor," she replied.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- "How often do you wash - your back passage?"
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- "Only when I hoover the stairs."
0:16:57 > 0:17:02- I crossed Loughor bridge today, - en route to Llanelli.
0:17:02 > 0:17:08- As I drove over the bridge, - I saw a man drowning in the river.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- I stopped to go to his aid.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- A man had already - jumped off the bridge.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- He dragged the drowning man - to the river bank.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Once he'd hauled him to safety...
0:17:22 > 0:17:27- ..he began pumping his stomach. - Water spurted out.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- The water showed - no sign of stopping.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- Half an hour passed. - The flow of water was never ending.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- I shouted, "Hey, Mister! - Do you know what you're doing?"
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- "Look here. - I'm qualified in First Aid."
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- "I'm a qualified engineer," - I replied.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- "Get his arse out of the river - or you'll pump it dry."
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- I'll say this quietly - in case they hear me over there!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- Johnny Bach from my village - was marrying a girl from his street.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22- Just before the ceremony she said, - "There's something you should know."
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- "Don't tell me now! - Wait until we're married."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- They set off for their honeymoon.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- On the aeroplane, she said, - "Johnny. I must tell you."
0:18:33 > 0:18:38- "Not just yet. Wait until - we're in the honeymoon suite."
0:18:39 > 0:18:44- As they lay in bed, she said, - "Johnny bach, I've got to tell you.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- "You're the first man - I've slept with."
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- He jumped out of bed, - packed his bags and went home.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- "What are you doing back so soon?" - his mother asked.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- "You'll never believe it, Mam. - We were just about to go to bed.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- "She announced I was the first man - she'd slept with.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- "I packed and came home."
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- "Quite right. If she's not good - enough for the rest of them...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- ..she's not good enough for you."
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Three lads went to Smithfield.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- Money was burning in their pockets.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32- They'd heard a lot - about a place called Soho.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38- One had a tenner in his pocket. - Another clutched a 20 note.
0:19:39 > 0:19:45- The third had 30. - They walked into an establishment.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- I've never heard of the place.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- The first walked in with his 10. - The other two waited outside.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- "What did you get?" - they asked as he reappeared.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- "Fantastic. I gave her 10.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- "She took off my shirt, I lay down.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- "She stroked my chest - with a pineapple ring.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- "She put a dollop of cream - on top and ate the lot.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- "Not a drop was left.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17- "Fantastic."
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- The next one went in with 20.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- His friends waited outside. - He came out. "What happened?"
0:20:26 > 0:20:27- "Fantastic.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- "I gave her 20. She removed - my shirt. I lay on the bed.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- "She put two pineapple rings - and cream on my chest.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- "Then she ate it all.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- "Fantastic. Brilliant."
0:20:44 > 0:20:49- The bloke with 30 entered. - His pals waited eagerly outside.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- He came out. "What did you get?" - "Fantastic, fantastic.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- "I gave her 30. - She took off my shirt.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- "I lay down, she placed - four pineapple rings on my chest.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- "Covered with cream and cherries, - they looked so nice, I ate one."
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- S4C Subtitles by:- GWEAD