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0:00:38 > 0:00:42- A farmer moved from overseas - to the Llanilar area.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Every two years, - a fire broke out in his barn.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47- It was unbelievable.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- It happened like clockwork. - An insurance man paid him a visit.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- "Something must be done - about these coincidences.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- "Head office is after me. - They won't let it go.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- "We'll have to increase the premium.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- "We must also rename - the cause of the fire.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- "We can't insure a fire forever.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- "We must rename it."
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- "What d'you suggest?" asked - the farmer. "Let's call it a storm."
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- "Good grief! - How d'you start a storm?"
0:01:32 > 0:01:37- A former army major's wife - lived in an old people's home.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- She wanted her own way.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- She approached the matron one day.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Care home staff are very helpful.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- "Matron," she said. - "I've had enough of this place.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56- "I'm bored."
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- "Strip off and stand in the window," - replied the matron.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- "You'll have - an unforgettable afternoon."
0:02:06 > 0:02:12- She stripped off, - and put on her dressing gown.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- She flashed an old gentleman - who sat reading the paper.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- "Act your age, woman!" he said. - "Go away!"
0:02:24 > 0:02:30- She flashed another gentleman - as he was doing the crossword.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- "Well, well! I've never seen such - a sight! Go away, awful woman!"
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- She approached Ianto, - who was rather simple.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Ianto was playing draughts - on his own.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- She flashed Ianto - - but Ianto's sight was failing.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- She flashed him again.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- "No. I'll take the soup," - he replied.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- Oh, dear!
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- I forgot my wife's birthday once - - never again!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- You should have seen her face!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- Like a bag of maggots!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- She prepares her own yoghurt.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- She places a glass of milk on - the mantelpiece, and stares at it.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- That was her expression - when I came home late one night.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- "Where have you been? - The supper's ruined.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- "I cooked a lovely chicken pie - - the dog's had it."
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- "Don't worry," I replied. - "I'll buy you a new dog tomorrow."
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- Our married life - isn't what it should be.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- I bought her a see-through nightie - for her birthday.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- She only wears it in the dark.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- At least the cat sees the benefit.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Fair play, Mary realised there was - something missing in our marriage.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- She went to the doctor.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- "The last time you made love, how - did Gareth look?" asked the doctor.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- "Angry," replied Mary. - "He looked furious."
0:04:21 > 0:04:27- "OK," said the doctor. "How did - you notice that he looked furious?"
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- "Well, he was looking in - through the window."
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- I heard someone comment - that I'd lost weight.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49- I'm wearing a girdle.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52- Tupperware.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- It doesn't keep my belly in, - but it keeps what I have fresh.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- Some men are frightened of girls.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- It's not that they don't like them, - they're scared of them.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- A forty-year old bachelor lives - two doors away from me in Bala.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- He's terrified of women.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- He fancies Myfanwy, - who lives nearby.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Every time he sees her, - he becomes paralysed.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- He can't get a word out.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- "I fancy her like mad," he told me.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- "Every time I see her, - I can't utter a word."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- "It's easy," I replied.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- "Tomorrow, when she goes - to the privvy in the garden..."
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- We're still primitive in Bala!
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- "When you hear the toilet flushing, - run out to the garden.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01- "Tell her, 'Good morning, Myfanwy.'
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- "Say, 'Good morning, Myfanwy. The - flowers in your garden are lovely.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- "'But they're not half - as lovely as you'."
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- "I can't say that!" "Try it."
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- The following morning, he spotted - her walking to the toilet.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- He heard the toilet flushing.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- But he worried how to follow up - the conversation.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- He had the opening gambit. - What happens next?
0:06:30 > 0:06:35- "Don't worry, the conversation - will follow naturally," I said.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- He'd been practising - all night in bed!
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- "Good morning...
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- "..Myfanwy." "Good morning, Thomas. - How are you?" she replied.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59- "Oh!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- "The flowers in your garden - are lovely, Myfanwy.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- "But they're not half - as lovely as you."
0:07:11 > 0:07:12- "Thank you, Thomas."
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- "Did you poo or pee, Myfanwy?"
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- # We're two hat-wearing undertakers,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- # We're the ones you phone - when the situation is 'Amen.'
0:07:42 > 0:07:47- # If you should die, - we'll bury you with dignity.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- # We'll dress you in a white gown - and stick you in a coffin.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- # Driving a big, black hearse - is much better than a GTI.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- # Two in the front, one in the back - - you can't beat that.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- # We were copped speeding, - just outside Llannerchymedd.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16- # We told the police - we had to dash to fill a grave.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- # We'll come to bury you - in ties and black coats,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- # Whether it's a big funeral, - or a small gathering in the house.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35- # We have a special offer - - burying two for the price of one.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- # We'll put two coffins in the hole - with the woman on top of the man.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- # If you want to be cremated, - then don't look any further.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- # Believe us when we say - the Crem in Colwyn Bay is very hot.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- # We'll burn anyone - - from a tramp to the Queen,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- # We use kindling - and a pot of paraffin.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14- # One day we were summoned - to bury good old Wil Jones,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- # He died in bed next to his wife, - without his vest or pants.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- # A smile spread across William's - face as he said his last farewell,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- # We couldn't close the coffin lid - for quite a while!
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- # One day it'll be someone's task - to bury us,
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- # Even undertakers die, believe us.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- # After all the funerals,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- # We don't want a fuss.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- # Don't bother with a hearse - - we'll be OK in a double decker bus.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- # We're two undertakers, - always in our hats,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- # We're the ones you phone - when the situation is 'Amen.'
0:10:15 > 0:10:20- # If you should die, - we'll bury you with dignity.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- # A-ha-ha!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- # A-ha-ha!
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- # We'll dress you in a white gown - and stick you in a coffin. #
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- 888
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Any firemen present?
0:11:36 > 0:11:42- Did you hear about the great fire - at a Manchester lemonade factory?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- Firemen arrived - to put out the flames.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- The fire just got worse.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- There were fire engines everywhere. - The boss arrived.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- He used his intercom to summon - firemen from all over the country.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- "The lemonade factory is on fire," - he said.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- The recipe for the lemonade - was in the factory safe.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- The secret recipe was kept - in the factory safe.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- The boss was frightened - it would go up in flames.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21- "The crew that retrieves the recipe - will get 50,000," he said.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- A moment later, - the Cerrigydrudion crew appeared.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Their fire engine screeched - around the corner on two wheels.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- In their speed, - they ended up inside the factory.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40- Right inside!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- They came out coughing - - but holding the safe.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- The boss said, "That was amazing. - Cerrigydrudion finally succeed.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- "They've saved - the entire contents of the safe.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- "Here's the 50,000 I promised you. - How will you spend it?"
0:12:59 > 0:13:04- Coughing, a fireman replied, - "Put brakes on the blinking engine."
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- My friend Arnold, from Aberystwyth, - is a character.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- The police stopped him as he was - driving home a fortnight ago.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- A bobby put his head - through the window.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- "We've been drinking, sir," - he told Arnold.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- "Have we? I didn't see you buying - a round," replied Arnold.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- The bobby wasn't too happy. - He started to get personal.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- "Tell me. Where were you - between 5 and 7?" he asked Arnold.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- "Infant School. Where were you?"
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Arnold is an intelligent man.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- "You know Granddad..." he said.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- "Granddad knew the exact day - he was going to die.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- "The place, hour, minute - and second of his death."
0:14:07 > 0:14:10- "Good grief," I said. - "How did he know all that?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- "An Old Bailey judge told him."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- He was a sharp schoolboy.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Children like to brag, don't they?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- A boy asked Arnold, "Have you heard - about the Mediterranean Sea?"
0:14:25 > 0:14:26- "Yes."
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- "My father dug the first hole."
0:14:31 > 0:14:36- "Heard about the Red Sea?" another - lad asked. "Yes," replied Arnold.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- "My father painted it."
0:14:42 > 0:14:47- Arnold asked them, "Heard about - the Dead Sea? My father killed it."
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- He only lasted a fortnight - in his first job.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- He asked for a day off to attend - his father-in-law's funeral.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- The following day, - his boss wanted to see him.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- "What time was your father-in-law's - funeral?" "2.30pm," said Arnold.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- "D'you believe in the Resurrection?" - he asked Arnold. "Yes."
0:15:15 > 0:15:20- "Why d'you ask?" "Your father-in-law - was here at 4.30pm looking for you."
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- Arnold walked into a pub one night.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- A rather posh bloke walked in.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- The barman asked him, - "Can I get you something to drink?"
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- "No. I don't drink.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36- "I tried it once.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- "I didn't like it, - and I never drank again."
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Five minutes later, the barman - offered him a cigarette. "No.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- "I don't smoke. I tried it once.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- "I didn't like it - and never smoked again.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59- "The only reason I'm here - is to meet my son."
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- Arnold said, "Don't tell me - - is he an only child?!"
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- As a farmer, - I was thinking how lucky Noah was.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- He built the Ark - thousands of years ago.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Just imagine if he'd have - to do it today!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- Think of the hassle he'd get - from the Ministry of Agriculture.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Just think about it!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Oh! Imagine the permits he'd need!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Picture the loading day.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54- I can see a bloke from the Ministry - inspecting the farmyard.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- "Mr Noah!" "Yes."
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- "Where are the giraffe's tags?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- "You need to put two tags on it."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- "His ears are too high - for me to reach."
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- "You're not moving unless - you put a tag on each ear.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- "Include the herd number - and his number."
0:17:15 > 0:17:20- "I've only got two." "I don't care. - I want to know whether it's 1 or 2."
0:17:22 > 0:17:23- Imagine the hassle.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- He'd tour the farm and say, - "There's an elephant here!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- "You can't move him for 21 days."
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- "But I must move her, - because of the flood!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- "I don't care - - this elephant isn't moving!"
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- And then he'd ask, "How long will - they be in the Ark?"
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- "It depends how long - the floods last."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- "After eight hours, - bring them out for water."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Farmers are surrounded by paperwork.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- I hired an accountant last year.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- He's very good. - His name is Mr Loophole.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14- There's a recovery room - next to his office.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- A nurse, oxygen - the whole lot.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- You get the kiss-of-life - if you pass out.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- He told me the other day, - "Mr Jones."
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- That's what he calls me, - because I'm paying him.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- "Your ship's come in," he told me. - "Oh, good!" I said.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- "Not particularly - - it's called The Titanic."
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- A tax inspector phoned - a farmer friend of mine.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- "Hello, Mr Jones. How are you?"
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- He was a bachelor, - who lived on his own.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- "Oh, hello! How are you?"
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- "It's the income tax here.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- "I have your file in front of me." - They always say that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- That stops you telling porkies! - Everything's in front of them.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21- "I notice a difference this year. - I know you're a bachelor.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- "You're claiming a rebate, - and say you have a son.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- "I'm sure your secretary - made a mistake."
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- "Quite right," replied the farmer.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- "My son is a mistake - I made with the secretary."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- # I love making you happy,
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- # I'm so happy - you're greedy for my company,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33- # Every night and day.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- # I love making you laugh,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- # I'm so happy - there's no end to my joy
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- # My new-found happiness.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58- # You're like rain - falling in a desert,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- # You held me, - and pulled me from the floor.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- # Papillon.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- # Papillon.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21- # Venturing in faith, flying - like a bird released, Papillon.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- # Papillon.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- # Papillon.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- # Venturing in faith, flying - like a bird released, Papillon.
0:21:41 > 0:21:47- # I hope the cold weather - doesn't come,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52- # To steal our happiness,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- # Trying to kill the song.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- # Trying to kill the song.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- # I love seeing the stars - in your eyes.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- # I love feeling - the life in your soul.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15- # Our hearts are like a forest fire.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- # I love seeing you succeed,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- # I love seeing an end to your pain.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32- # You're flying high - on the wings of the wind.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- # You're like rain - falling in a desert,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- # You held me, - and pulled me from the floor.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- # Papillon.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- # Papillon.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- # Venturing in faith, flying - like a bird released, Papillon.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- # Papillon.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- # Papillon.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- # Venturing in faith, flying - like a bird released, Papillon! #
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- S4C Subtitles by- GWEAD
0:23:35 > 0:23:36