0:00:00 > 0:00:02- ..
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- ..
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- This chap told his friend - that he was really ill.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40- "Whenever I sneeze," he said, - "I see five naked women".
0:00:41 > 0:00:45- "What do you take for it?" - his friend asked. "Pepper!"
0:00:55 > 0:01:00- This old chap was standing - on a street-corner, legs apart.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- Two medical students passed - and one said to the other...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- .."That old man's rheumatic".
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- "He looks more arthritic to me," - said the other.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- They decided to settle the matter - by asking him.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- "I say you're arthritic," one said. - "Wrong!" said the old man.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- "I say you're rheumatic," - the other said. "Wrong!"
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- "I thought it was wind, but I was - wrong too," said the old man.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- An old man went to see his doctor..
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- ..and asked, "Do you think - I'll live to be a hundred?"
0:01:48 > 0:01:54- "I can't tell," said the doctor. - "Do you smoke?"
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- "I've never touched a fag - in my life," he said.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- "Do you drink?" the doctor asked.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- "I've never touched a drop!" - came the reply.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- "Do you have a girlfriend or wife?" - the doctor asked.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12- "I've never touched a woman - in my life!" he said.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- "Well," said the doctor, "why on - earth do you want to live to a 100?"
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- These two women - were keen competitors at shows.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- One of them always won prizes - for the best tomatoes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39- The other asked her - how she got them to mature...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- ..so early in the year.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- Hers didn't redden - till Christmas time.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55- "I'll let you in on a secret," - the other woman said.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- "I go into the greenhouse...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- ..every morning at 5:00am, - stark naked."
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- "In my birthday suit."
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- "I always make sure - there's no-one around."
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- "In I go, and talk to them."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- "You should see them blush!"
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- "Try it and see," - she told her friend.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- A month later, they met up again.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- "How are your tomatoes? - Did the trick work?" she asked.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- "Not at all."
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- "But you should see my cucumbers!"
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- How's things?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- It's very full here, tonight.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Last time I was here, it was to see - Sbobbin and his Smellies.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- I was drunk as a skunk.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Way over the top.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- I was snogging in the back, - till about 1:00am.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- And then the lights came on.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- You know the feeling you get...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- ..when you see your partner - in daylight, for the first time?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- The lights came on, and I found out - I'd been snogging this Llanrwst chap.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- When he saw he'd been snogging me, - he got rather stroppy.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- The fact that I'd asked him what he - was doing Saturday hadn't helped.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- He gave me a real hiding.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- He hurt me badly.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- He didn't write or phone.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- The lowlife! - I was covered in blood.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Somebody phoned for a doctor...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- ..but he wasn't coming out, - he told us to get to a hospital.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- Off the lads went in our XR3i, - wheel-spins left, right and centre.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- You could have made ten condoms - from the rubber we left on the road.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- The hospital was deserted, - so we called the doctor again...
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- ..but he was in Ysbyty Glan Clwyd, - not Ysbyty Ifan.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Off we went to the hospital...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- ..and I fell in love with a nurse - from Rhyl.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- She was called Dawn.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05- She was a real goer.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- It was the smell of silage - as I walked in that drew her to me.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- She liked my wellingtons, too. - Not these - my best pair.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- My dancing wellingtons.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- Instead of beating aimlessly around - the bush, I asked her to marry me.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- "What you got?" she asked.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- I told her I had two Landrovers, - three tractors...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- ..two Range Rovers, - a Vauxhall Astra van...
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- ..an XR2, an XR3, - a Ford Sierra Crossworth...
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- ..an Itchy-butchy - open-top pick-up truck...
0:06:53 > 0:06:54- ..a chainsaw...
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- ..and an Ifor Williams trailer - with a postcode on the roof.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- "Stop your lying," she said, - and she had a point.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- I was only trying to impress her. - I've never had a chainsaw.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- She sent me to the Waiting Room.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- What a boring place!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Nothing to do - but read women's magazines.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- One of them was Woman's Own.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- It had a story about a doctor who'd - found a five-legged woman in China.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Her knickers fitted like a glove.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- I was getting hungry by now. - It was 2:00am.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- I went down to the canteen, - but it was closed.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- I struck lucky on the way back - - I found a cupboard of Barium Meals.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- I took one, hoping that Barium, - whoever he was, wouldn't find out.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- I went back down the corridor, - and this nurse came towards me.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- I hid behind some curtains.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- I was rather worried she'd find me - with this Barium chap's meal.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- She'd be sure to tell him.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- I hid the meal - in an old lady's commode.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- She looked very poorly.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- Her face looked like a bulldog - licking pee off nettles.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- When she looked in her commode and - saw this white stuff, she screamed.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- I ran back to the Waiting Room.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- As I arrived, the nurse - ran to talk to the doctor.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- She was in a right panic.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- I heard her say that one of her - patients who'd been constipated...
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- ..for four months, had found - some white stuff in her commode...
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- ..and thought she'd strained so hard - her brains had come out.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- By now, it was nearly 7:00am...
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- ..and I was still waiting - for a doctor to stitch me up.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- He came eventually, - full of apologies.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- He'd been performing - some brain surgery.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- I could just imagine him stuffing - Barium into the old woman's head.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- He stitched me up, and discharged me - at 7:30...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- ..just as the nurses were starting - their morning shift.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- I saw one - - you should have seen her figure!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- I wolf-whistled at her, - and guess who it was?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- That chap from Llanrwst.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- ..
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- ..
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- This Llanefydd farmer - took a young cow to Rhuthun mart.
0:10:35 > 0:10:41- At Henllan, he spotted a pretty - young blonde walking in the rain.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48- The farmer had a terrible cold, - and he was sniffing all the time.
0:10:50 > 0:10:56- He stopped to offer the blonde - a lift and she hopped in.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- She was soaked to the skin - and the old farmer kept on sniffing.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04- "Would you mind if I took off - my wet coat?" she asked.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- "No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- "Feel free!" he sniffed again.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- As they passed through Denbigh, - she said her blouse was wet, too.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- "Would you mind if I took it off?" - "No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- They were passing Llanrhaeadr - when she said her skirt was wet.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- "Would you mind if I took it off?" - "No, no." Sniff, sniff. "Feel free."
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- As they came into Rhuthun, she asked, - "Can you drive with one hand?"
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- "Of course!" he sniffed excitedly.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- "Well, wipe your nose, - for God's sake!"
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- I've had the most God-awful day.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- First thing this morning, I was - rushed to hospital by ambulance...
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- ..to Casuality.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- I had terrible pain - in the top of my legs. Right here.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- I had to walk like this.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28- In I went, and in less - than two minutes, I was back out.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- All he did - was cut my bloomer elastic.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- When I get back, Jack, my husband, - like all you men...
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- ..expects his meal - in two seconds flat.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- Eating and drinking beer - is all he thinks about.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- You should see his belly.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- You'd swear he was expecting twins.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- He gets short of breath - playing draughts!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Only last week, I bought him - a pair of shoes, costing 50.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- 50 for a pair of shoes - he can't even see!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- My Jack comes from Cardiganshire, - you see. He's a true Cardi.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- He never breathes out.
0:13:34 > 0:13:40- Because he carries so much weight, - I thought a sauna would do him good.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- There's a sauna in Carmarthen, - so I booked him in.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- But of course, his nibs had to have - a couple of pints first.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- He came out, tanked up, and off - he went to the steam-filled room.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- He took off his clothes, and stood - there, stark naked, in the steam.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Not a pretty sight, believe you me.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- He had a hell of a shock - when the steam cleared.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- He was in the Fish and Chip shop.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30- Between you and me, Jack and I - nearly split up at one stage.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- We were heading for a divorce.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- I thought he'd been unfaithful. - I don't trust him at all.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- I don't think he fathered - our youngest.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- When I was in town, I had a funny - turn, and I had to find a loo.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- When a woman's got to go, - a woman's got to go.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Any old tree won't do, - will it, girls?
0:15:18 > 0:15:23- There's a new toilet, down by - Woolworths, and talk about posh!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- You go in, sit in the cubicle...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- ..and music starts playing - - music while you work.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- Suddenly this Englishwoman came out - of another cubicle.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- She was furious, - and in a hell of a mess.
0:15:41 > 0:15:47- She'd been in her cubicle, - doing what one does...
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- ..and "God Save the Queen" - started playing.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- She jumped up, - half-way through her business.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- There are a few big names - in the back...
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- ..all selling some record, cassette - or CD.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Well, I have something to sell too.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Home-made chutney.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- It's going cheap, and you'll enjoy - it more than any record.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- I'd better be off - Jack's having - sausage and chutney for supper.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- I hope I won't catch a cold - after that bloomer episode.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50- Ooh, girls, it's not funny. - Not at all.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- You shouldn't laugh, you know.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59- After all, when all's said and done, - dying is a serious business.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- I've just been to Alcwyn's funeral.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- Alcwyn, Cedric's older brother.
0:17:10 > 0:17:15- I'm still baffled why Mam laughed - when I told her what happened.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- He had an electric shock.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- He was changing the plug - on his wife's Ladyshave.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- He really shouldn't have changed it - in the bath.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Kath, his wife, - said he went in a flash.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- He didn't suffer at all.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- Scant comfort, - with him burnt to a cinder.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52- Cedric didn't see the point - of paying to cremate him.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02- He thought they might as well - put the remains in a fancy pot.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- But Kath wanted to do things - properly.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- After filling Insurance forms - to claim for a new bath...
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- ..she put Alcwyn in a saucepan - she could ill afford to do without.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Kath's English. - She comes from Wolverhampton.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26- Actually, that's where they lived.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Finding the place - proved a real puzzle for Cedric.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- It was a farce.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- I told him we should have set off - at 7:00am.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- If we had, - we might have avoided the debacle.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Things didn't go according to plan.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- It was gone eight when we left...
0:18:50 > 0:18:54- ..and Cedric's bladder being what it - is, we had to make frequent stops.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- It wasn't bad between here - and Corwen.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Plenty of trees and fields.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- You're more exposed on a motorway.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Especially in winter.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- We were far too late - for the church service...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- ..so we went straight - to the Crematorium.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- At least we'd be warm there, I said.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- I didn't realise what I was saying.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- We got there eventually, more - through guesswork than anything else
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- We asked for directions, but they - all looked at us blankly.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- There was no room at the front, - near Kathy...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- ..even though Cedric and I - were the chief mourners...
0:19:53 > 0:19:59- ..so we sat at the back, - with the hearse driver and bearers.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- I looked round, - searching for a familiar face...
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- ..but then, I hadn't been - to Wolverhampton for a while...
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- ..and thought no more about it, - as I hummed the Avec Verum.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- It struck me, - like a bolt from the blue...
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- ..when the Vicar was in mid-sermon.
0:20:25 > 0:20:31- An awful hot flush came over me as he - said, "She was a beautiful person".
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- "Jesu joy!" I said to Cedric.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- "We're at the wrong funeral!"
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- As I spoke, - the Vicar pulled the switch...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- ..the coffin started moving, - and Cedric shouted...
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- .."If that's not Alcwyn, - they're not having the wreath!"
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Talk about embarrassing!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- He jumped on top of the coffin.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Flashing in Caernarfon square - would have been less of a disgrace.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- The coffin stopped in its tracks, - thanks to the Vicar, probably...
0:21:14 > 0:21:19- ..and though he had the face of an - angel, he didn't look too impressed.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- "Sorry, Vicar," - Cedric said sheepishly...
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- ..the wreath draped around his neck, - like some Monte Carlo victor.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- How was I supposed to know there are - two Crematoriums in Wolverhampton?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- By the time we got to the other one, - smoke was spiralling up to the sky.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- I approached Kath, very discreetly...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- ..and deposited the wreath subtly.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- A cold sweat came over me - as I glanced at the card.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- "In loving memory of Myrtle".
0:22:11 > 0:22:16- This song is called "Casa Erotti".
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Subtitles by- CYMEN cyf