0:00:02 > 0:00:04MUSIC: "Eleanor Rigby" by The Beatles
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Pop songs. Whilst loads of them are about love,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10there are quite a few about the opposite side of the coin - loneliness.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14So, how many can you think of? Roy Orbison's Only The Lonely.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Bobby Vinton's Mr Lonely.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20If you're younger, the version by Akon, the Streets of London.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Or Eleanor Rigby with its famous line, "all the lonely people."
0:00:23 > 0:00:27On this week's Songs of Praise, we explore loneliness.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31On today's Songs of Praise -
0:00:31 > 0:00:34most of us experience it, but nobody talks about it.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Why is loneliness so taboo?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40The charity tackling isolation in Oxfordshire,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44plus some favourite hymns from around the country.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54MUSIC: "Only The Lonely" by Roy Orbison
0:00:54 > 0:00:56There don't seem to be hymns on this jukebox.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59But I have thought of three more songs about loneliness.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Irving Berlin's You're Lonely And I'm Lonely,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Hank Williams' I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry
0:01:04 > 0:01:07and of course, Are You Lonesome Tonight.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09But someone was writing songs about loneliness
0:01:09 > 0:01:11long before Irving and Hank.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14David wrote psalms to God in times of isolation.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Psalm 142 was written when David was hiding in a cave.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21As a fugitive travelling alone, he felt vulnerable.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23"There is no-one at my right hand," he says.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"No-one is concerned for me."
0:01:25 > 0:01:29He implores God to listen to his cry for he's in desperate need.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32But in his most famous psalm, David is less fearful.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34He describes the Lord as his shepherd.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01The Psalms show us that loneliness isn't a new phenomenon.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You might be surprised to learn that in this age of 24/7 communication,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07society actually seems to be getting lonelier.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Statistics point to rising levels of loneliness,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and not just amongst the elderly.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14A large number of young people feel lonely, too.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16So, why do we feel lonely?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Is it something we only feel when we're on our own?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Or is it possible to feel lonely when you are surrounded by people?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27To use that old cliche, can you feel lonely in a crowd?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Author Simon Parke is content to spend
0:04:32 > 0:04:35most of his time in solitary pursuits, running and writing.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38A bit of a change from his previous careers.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41You've been a vicar, you've worked in a supermarket.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Both jobs, I would imagine, involve other people being social.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- And then you go and write a book about solitude.- Yeah.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Well, I think in a way, the more active your life,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53the more important it is that you find solitude.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56What's the difference between solitude and loneliness?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Well, I think loneliness is an unhappy state.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01It's a state of feeling isolated.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It feels like a punishment.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Whereas, of course, solitude is like a clearing in a jungle.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And in this clearing is a sense of peace, harmony,
0:05:10 > 0:05:11happiness with yourself.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Can you actually feel lonely in a crowd?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17It's strange, isn't it?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I think a lot of people are lonely in a crowd.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23You know, you hear people saying, "I was at a party last night,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"but, you know, I just didn't feel I belonged."
0:05:25 > 0:05:29It's hard to believe that loneliness can exist in this 21st century
0:05:29 > 0:05:31when we lead such busy lives.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- Things happening around us constantly.- Yeah.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Perhaps that's why. I mean, I think maybe that is why.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Because in a way, we're trained, I think we're trained for loneliness.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42You hear of parents... It's an active world,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45so parents think, "If I'm going to be a responsible parent,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"I must make my children active."
0:05:47 > 0:05:50"So I must take them to football and tae kwon do,"
0:05:50 > 0:05:52and whatever else they take them to and,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"Let's give them a computer in their bedroom
0:05:54 > 0:05:56so they can distract themselves with that."
0:05:56 > 0:06:00And, of course, so we grow up designed for an active world,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02but, of course, what we're not designed for
0:06:02 > 0:06:04is to face the times when we're alone.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07We have an in-built terror of actually being alone
0:06:07 > 0:06:12because no-one has ever said, "It's OK to be alone."
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I'm imagining a scenario where you end up alone
0:06:14 > 0:06:17and you search deep within yourself
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and you find out that actually you don't like yourself very much
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and you don't like being alone. How do you handle that?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Yeah. I think that's a very real issue for people.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29And, of course, to be helped with that,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33you need to see that actually that's a message that someone else put inside you.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35So you weren't born thinking that.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Why would anyone be unhappy about themselves?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41We're born in the image of Christ, in the image of God.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45So perhaps we start by accepting ourselves.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Allowing ourselves to be as we are, who we are.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Allowing the whole package.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52And, er... And maybe then,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56you know, the seed beneath the snow.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59The seed of love begins to grow.
0:07:03 > 0:07:12# Some say love, it is a river
0:07:12 > 0:07:18# That drowns the tender reed
0:07:18 > 0:07:27# Some say love, it is a razor
0:07:27 > 0:07:33# That leaves your soul to bleed
0:07:33 > 0:07:42# Some say love, it is a hunger
0:07:42 > 0:07:48# An endless, aching need
0:07:48 > 0:07:56# I say love, it is a flower
0:07:56 > 0:08:03# And you, its only seed
0:08:07 > 0:08:15# It's the heart afraid of breaking
0:08:15 > 0:08:23# That never learns to dance
0:08:23 > 0:08:30# It's the dream afraid of waking
0:08:30 > 0:08:38# That never takes the chance
0:08:38 > 0:08:45# It's the one who won't be taken
0:08:45 > 0:08:53# Who cannot seem to give
0:08:53 > 0:09:00# And the soul afraid of dying
0:09:00 > 0:09:07# That never learns to live
0:09:11 > 0:09:19# When the night has been too lonely
0:09:19 > 0:09:26# And the road has been too long
0:09:26 > 0:09:34# And you think that love is only
0:09:34 > 0:09:41# For the lucky and the strong
0:09:41 > 0:09:48# Just remember in the winter
0:09:48 > 0:09:56# Far beneath the bitter snows
0:09:56 > 0:10:04# Lies the seed that with the sun's love
0:10:04 > 0:10:14# In the spring becomes the rose. #
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Right through the Bible, you'll find people who are lonely.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I've mentioned David and the Psalms.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26There's also Hagar, cast out into the wilderness
0:10:26 > 0:10:28after conceiving Abraham's child.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31There's Job, lonely in his grief and suffering
0:10:31 > 0:10:34and perhaps even Moses and the loneliness of leadership.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38One of the loneliest pictures is of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
0:10:38 > 0:10:40that night when all his friends had fallen asleep.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44The long walk to the cross and then that heartfelt cry of,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"Why have you forsaken me?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Many things can cause someone to feel lonely,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50including not finding the right partner to settle down with,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52as Helena Wilkinson discovered.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57I think I've had different times in my life where I've been lonely,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59right through from childhood.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I was lonely as a young child at times.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I'm registered partially sighted,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and that set me apart and made me a bit different.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Then when I went to boarding school, I was very badly bullied.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11That made me feel incredibly lonely.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14In my 20s, I guess, you know, you're adjusting,
0:13:14 > 0:13:15you're finding your identity,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18you're hoping you're going to find somebody.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Your friends are just beginning to get married,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23then somebody has the first baby and, "It hasn't happened to me."
0:13:23 > 0:13:27And that's an incredible sense of loneliness sometimes.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Then you hit your 40s and it's like, "Biological clock now is ticking."
0:13:31 > 0:13:35And, "Is that guy ever really going to come into my life?"
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Do you think we are actually put on this Earth to be with partners?
0:13:38 > 0:13:43I think in many ways, yes, we are made to have a partner.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Because, you know, male and female are like two halves, aren't they?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49To come together as one whole.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- You know, when you feel loved, you feel less lonely.- Yeah.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I mean, it sounds crazy, you can even feel like that with an animal.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01You feel loved by your dog and you don't feel so lonely.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05When you were single, you were lonely, were you craving marriage?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Yeah, definitely.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11Because I think for a lot of single people, they see it as the ultimate.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14It's... Everybody longs to be loved, don't they?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18And so I think there are an awful lot of single people out there
0:14:18 > 0:14:21who feel a crushing sense of loneliness
0:14:21 > 0:14:24because they look at other people and they see love.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28They see people holding hands, they see people giving,
0:14:28 > 0:14:32they see flowers being given, they see meals being shared.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35So, how have you coped with that personally?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39I've looked for the right person, I've prayed and...
0:14:40 > 0:14:45At the end of the day, I think as hard as it is, I have to trust God.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50I have to trust that he knows the overall plan for my life.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Do you think the church and faith communities could do more to help?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Definitely. We need to actually be reaching out.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00As a single person, perhaps, you go into a church and you look
0:15:00 > 0:15:03and there's families, so-and-so's going home,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05going to have Sunday dinner on the table.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08The parents are going to be there, the children are going to be there.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10And the single person goes home and thinks,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Right, OK, beans on toast for me."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I think if we really lived the Gospel,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19then there would be far less loneliness.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I gave my life to Jesus when I was 18, nearly 19.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27And at that time, just knew unconditional love
0:15:27 > 0:15:29in a way that I had never known.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And, of course, that made all the difference.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34You don't feel so lonely
0:15:34 > 0:15:39when you have this awesome sense of God's love.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40It's acceptance, I think.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44The Archway Foundation is a registered charity
0:18:44 > 0:18:47that was founded in Oxford by Paul Hawgood,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49who was working in mental health.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53And, as a Christian, felt that there were many in society
0:18:53 > 0:18:56who were hurting through the pain of loneliness.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03I joined two months after it started as a volunteer.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I was rereading the Gospels and just being struck by
0:19:06 > 0:19:08the social action message of the Gospel
0:19:08 > 0:19:11and decided I wanted to do something
0:19:11 > 0:19:13that expressed my faith in a practical way.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16We can't fill the gap left by the loss of a loved one,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20nor should we try. But what we can do, and what we do,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22is offer to be alongside people
0:19:22 > 0:19:24whilst they take whatever steps they need to take
0:19:24 > 0:19:28to bring about a change in their situation.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34The Archway Foundation offers people a range of social activities
0:19:34 > 0:19:38and a befriending service for those who find it difficult to get out on their own.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I've been to Archway since about '94.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Did you have a nice holiday? - Wonderful.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I got depressed,
0:19:49 > 0:19:55and the social people at the time took me to see Sheila.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I've lived on my own for quite a while now.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02You do get lonely.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06When I'm here at home, I have the radio on.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10And that's like somebody being around, you know.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13And I walk up and down the road.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I've been to the shop.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I go to church on Sundays.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22What sort of people come to Archway?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Human beings from all walks of life and all situations.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Sometimes people are lonely because of a change in circumstances.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32A move to a new area, a change of job,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36divorce, bereavement.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38For others, I think it's more...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41It's hard to say - perhaps personality-related loneliness
0:20:41 > 0:20:44because that sounds like you're blaming somebody.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46But none of us can be responsible
0:20:46 > 0:20:49for where we were brought up or how we were brought up,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51and that does have an impact on how we relate to
0:20:51 > 0:20:55and how we attach to other people.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Hello.- Hi.- You all right?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Ready to go?- Yeah.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03'A person picks me up from Archway.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07'He's like a friend to me, as well as a driver.'
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- What sort of day have you had so far?- Yeah, all right.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I enjoy the company, actually.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The company and meeting people.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18You can start with any number card you want.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22I'm a volunteer at Archways. I love it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24The great thing is that there's no distinction made
0:21:24 > 0:21:27between the volunteers and the members,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30which I think creates an incredible sense of community.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32And I think it means that it's not a case of
0:21:32 > 0:21:35you come here to serve and they come here to be served,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37it's a case of everyone coming here to be together.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12The Archway Foundation is based on Christian principles,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14but helps people from any background.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17And it's not just aimed at older people either.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22We see people from 18 to 90 plus.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26And catering specifically for those in that younger age group,
0:24:26 > 0:24:30we have a monthly group for people aged 20-40.
0:24:30 > 0:24:36I've been coming to Archway for about eight years.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39It makes a huge difference to my life.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I have no family here in Oxford.
0:24:42 > 0:24:48So Archway is always a highlight to my week.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I get to see people that are now friends.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I'm not so alone any more.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Loneliness is quite a big issue for me.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And it also links with depression.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07You can either put the same number or the same colour. So...
0:25:07 > 0:25:11If we don't have human contact, then that does have a negative impact
0:25:11 > 0:25:13on our mental health and wellbeing.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16And there's plenty of research that demonstrates
0:25:16 > 0:25:19the links between social isolation and depression
0:25:19 > 0:25:23will relapse into mental illness and, sadly, lead into suicide.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I just want to help out in the community.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Because there are so many individuals like this,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33kind of estranged and alienated from society,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35that need a way back in.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I think there are many Christians who feel guilty
0:25:38 > 0:25:40if they think they're feeling lonely
0:25:40 > 0:25:42and somehow they shouldn't talk about it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45But, for me, there are many instances in the Bible
0:25:45 > 0:25:48where people did experience loneliness.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Certainly Elijah under the broom tree, I think, felt very isolated
0:25:53 > 0:25:57and was probably dealing in essence with the loneliness of leadership.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59And so I could go on.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05In Archway, it's not always what we say, but more about what we do.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And I suppose the example we have is in Jesus,
0:26:08 > 0:26:12who sometimes came alongside people and spoke to them,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15but at other times, just came alongside them,
0:26:15 > 0:26:20walked with them and met their need with action.
0:26:22 > 0:26:28# When you walk through the storm
0:26:28 > 0:26:36# Hold your head up high
0:26:36 > 0:26:49# And don't be afraid of the dark
0:26:49 > 0:26:56# At the end of the storm
0:26:56 > 0:27:03# Is a golden sky
0:27:03 > 0:27:13# And the sweet silver song of the lark
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# Oooooh
0:27:16 > 0:27:24# Walk on through the wind
0:27:24 > 0:27:31# Walk on through the rain
0:27:31 > 0:27:44# Though your dreams be tossed and blown
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# Walk on
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# Walk on
0:27:51 > 0:27:58# With hope in your heart
0:27:58 > 0:28:11# And you'll never walk alone
0:28:11 > 0:28:15# Walk on
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Walk on
0:28:18 > 0:28:25# With hope in your heart
0:28:25 > 0:28:38# And you'll never walk alone
0:28:38 > 0:28:49# You'll never walk alone
0:28:49 > 0:28:52# Walk on
0:28:52 > 0:28:59# Never alone. #
0:29:05 > 0:29:09Dear God, from the wasteland of loneliness
0:29:09 > 0:29:12lead me to the oasis of sweet solitude.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18From the emptiness of loneliness,
0:29:18 > 0:29:22lead me to the fullness of belonging in this beautiful world.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26And from the separation of loneliness,
0:29:26 > 0:29:31bring me home to loving and living union with you.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34Amen.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21And that's it for Songs of Praise this week.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Join us next week when we've got a rather big topic to discuss.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Can we change the world?
0:33:27 > 0:33:30There'll be a spot of community gardening, some young film-makers
0:33:30 > 0:33:33and why you don't have to be Bill Gates to change people's lives.
0:33:33 > 0:33:37The charity that's starting small, but making a big difference.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Plus some classic hymns from around the country.
0:33:40 > 0:33:41Join us then.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd