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0:00:00 > 0:00:05- Please welcome - the amazing Dan Thomas.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- It's lovely to be here.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28- I've been on tour around Wales - for what feels like six months.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- I've done the show in Swansea, - where I'm from originally.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39- I live here now.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Are you familiar with Swansea?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Where else have I been?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- Is there anyone here - from West Wales?
0:00:49 > 0:00:50- Good, because...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- ..the people are so nice...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- ..but sometimes, - they're just a bit...
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- I was in a cafe there, - looking at the menu.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- I asked the woman, - "What's the soup?"
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- She said, - "It's sort of like liquid food."
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Like many small towns...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- ..there was a war memorial - in the town centre.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- On one side was a list of locals - who died in the First World War.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- It was a long list - of those who had died...
0:01:29 > 0:01:30- ..along with their ranks.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- Jones, Private, Watkins, Sergeant.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- Halfway down, - I saw something a bit weird.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- Smith, civilian.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- What on earth was a civilian doing - in the middle of World War One?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- Did he think - it was a cheap holiday to France?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- Running across no man's land...
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- ..thinking, - "This wasn't in the brochure."
0:01:55 > 0:02:00- An Englishman shouting in - the trenches, "You there, get down!"
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- "I don't work for you, piss off!"
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- As I said, - I was in West Wales on tour.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- A couple of months ago, - I was in Cross Hands.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13- Genuinely, - I heard someone say this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- Something bad had been on the news.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- Another terror attack.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- This old lady in Cross Hands went, - "It's not safe to leave the house."
0:02:23 > 0:02:24- In Cross Hands?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- You're still OK, love.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31- I'm fairly sure there's no terrorist - in a cave somewhere going...
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- .."OK, your list of targets - - New York, Chicago, Paris...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- "Yeah, - you're not going to like this.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44- "Cross Hands."
0:02:44 > 0:02:48- That's a pretty good place - for a terror bombing.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Have you been to Cross Hands?
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- If you were a suicide bomber, - it wouldn't feel like work.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- After ten minutes, you'd be...
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- .."I don't care about the virgins, - I just want to get out of here."
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- I've been driving around - the country in the countryside.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- I've only been driving - for a year or two.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- I'm still a novice, really, - and parking can be hard.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- I had a gig in a pub last weekend.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- There was no car park, but there - was one at the nearby prison.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29- I thought, "I'll just park there."
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- I saw a bizarre sign - at the prison car park.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- "Warning. Parking is for staff - and visitors only."
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- So I thought, "Obviously."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Only three groups use a prison.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Staff, visitors and prisoners.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- What would it be like - if they had a parking space?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Looking out of the cell window.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- "Oh, mate, you've blocked me in!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- "You'd better have left - in 20 years."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- My wife's a vegan.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- That's hard, because we often - holiday in Portugal.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- In Europe, especially the south, - they haven't sussed veganism yet.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- They're not au fait with it yet.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- On holiday, we drive around, - stopping everywhere for a look.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23- "Let's have a look.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25- "There's a lot of steak."
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- "It's a steak house, it would have."
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Late one night, - about ten o'clock...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- ..we drove up to this place.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- "Love, we are going there.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- "I don't care if it's a restaurant - that specializes in live kittens...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- "..that have been bred to weep..."
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Coincidentally, that's what it was.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- A Portuguese - weeping kitten restaurant.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- "So, this is - a weeping kitten restaurant, is it?"
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- The man said, "Yes."
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- My wife started to cry.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- "Don't cry, you'll confuse the cats, - they'll think they're one of you.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- "Don't be sad. When we go abroad, - you like to eat authentically.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- "Is weeping kittens - authentic Algarvean cuisine?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- He went, - "No, it's only me doing this."
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- "Screw it, table for two. It's late. - What's the wine? Tears? Two."
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- There are some things - I really want to talk about tonight.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Does everyone - have one of those dodgy friends?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- I think everyone - has one dodgy friend.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38- The kind of person...
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Someone broke into our house - about a year ago.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- One of my friends said, - "Someone broke into your house?"
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- "Don't worry, don't worry.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- "I know someone - who can find out who did it."
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- I was like, - "OK, I know someone too.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59- "They're called the police.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- "You don't mean them, do you?"
0:06:02 > 0:06:03- "No."
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- They stole our television.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- I told him, "They took our TV."
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- My friend said, - "How much was it? 700?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- "I can get you the same TV - for 50 off my mate Jimmy Onions.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- "Jimmy Onions, yeah."
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- Forgive me, but he doesn't sound - like a licensed Sony dealer.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- The point is, - everyone has a dodgy friend.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29- Mine is my mother.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- It'll make sense - when I tell you this.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- I realized something - when I was in my twenties.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- My childhood was stranger...
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- ..than the childhood - of literally everyone in this room.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46- Definitely.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- I don't even have to ask.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- You know when you meet new people - at university or work...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- ..and you discuss your childhood?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56- "I had such a weird childhood.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- "My mother considered - having dreadlocks at one point."
0:07:00 > 0:07:01- Yes, mental.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Then I tell stories - about my childhood.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- They all stop and say, - "Mate, that's fucked."
0:07:08 > 0:07:09- And they're right.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- My childhood was nuts.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- I'll prove it to you tonight.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- There were clues that something - funny was going on when I was small.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- I grew up in Marloes, - near Haverfordwest.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- I didn't think about this - until I was a bit older.
0:07:29 > 0:07:35- There was always a van - parked outside our house in Marloes.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Always, all day, every day.
0:07:37 > 0:07:43- I eventually found out that - our house was being bugged by MI5.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- This is all true.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Our house was bugged by MI5.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Memories come back.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- I liked jokes when I was young.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- I heard new jokes at school...
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- ..and phoned my grandmother - in Swansea to tell them to her.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01- I phoned her one day.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- "I've heard a new joke.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- "What do witches learn in school?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12- "Spelling!"
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Then I'd hear a voice, - and it wasn't my grandmother's.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- "That was crud."
0:08:22 > 0:08:27- That was my first review, from - a constipated MI5 bloke in a van.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- Our phone was bugged, - our house was bugged.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Obviously, - there was a reason for that.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- More stories. I'll build up to it.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- You've all gone through - your parents' cupboard as a child...
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- ..just to see what's there, - and that's fine.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- Usually, you find - something relatively innocent...
0:08:54 > 0:08:55- ..like porn.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59- That's what all my mates found - in their parents' cupboards.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- One of my mates - found a bin bag full of porn.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- That's fantastic when you're ten.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Why was there - a bin bag full of porn?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- My mate Paul's father - was a teacher.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- "Why does your father - have a bin bag full of porn?"
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- Paul just said, "He confiscates it - from the naughty boys."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- I believed him at the time.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- I thought about this recently.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- That doesn't scan, that's bullshit.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- A teacher who confiscates porn - would just throw it away.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38- He took it home, and God knows - what excuse he'd tell his wife.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- "No, I have to keep this.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- "That's Razzle, a first edition. - It'll be worth something one day."
0:09:45 > 0:09:47- The same bloke, what a player...
0:09:47 > 0:09:52- ..his wife found a G-string - in the car's glove compartment.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- He managed to convince her - that it was a shammy.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- How thick was she? - "It's the best thing for the job."
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- This was about 20 years ago.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- He's still out there every Sunday.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- "Only thing for the job, - really gets in the cracks."
0:10:11 > 0:10:16- But I didn't find porn - in my parents' cupboard.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- I found a gun...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- ..a landmine...
0:10:22 > 0:10:27- ..and my parents' divorce papers, - and I didn't know they had split up.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- I should also say, - this was on my ninth birthday.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- Happy birthday, me.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Obviously, something was up, - landmines and guns.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43- Fortunately, around that time, - my grandmother had Alzheimer's.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- That was poorly phrased.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- She said things that she shouldn't.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- One day, she just said...
0:10:52 > 0:10:57- .."Do you know your parents were - in the Free Wales Army in the '70s?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- I was like, "OK."
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Then she said, - "And Santa Claus doesn't exist."
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- "You're on a roll, - aren't you, Gran?"
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Why tell me this? I'm nine.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- "I thought you were 20 - with a growth hormone problem."
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- So, that's what I found out.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- My parents were members - of the Free Wales Army.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- How many of you are familiar - with the Free Wales Army?
0:11:27 > 0:11:28- That's quite good.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- I've asked that question - on my tour of Wales.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Usually, if people don't know, - they'll say so.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- But if they do, people just go, - "I'm not saying shit."
0:11:39 > 0:11:40- You were very brave there.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- A lot of places, people think - it might be a sting operation...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- ..and don't say anything.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- The best I've had - is someone doing this.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- So, well done.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- Is anyone unfamiliar - with the Free Wales Army?
0:11:58 > 0:11:59- Wales, eh?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- If you don't know, - are you familiar with the IRA?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- And the Chuckle Brothers?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11- It's basically...
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- I don't want to take the piss...
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- ..but it was a small army - of which my parents were members...
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- ..that wanted freedom for Wales, - which was fantastic.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23- But it was weird.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- When I found out, - after my grandmother told me...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- ..my mother was willing - to talk about it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Too willing to talk about it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:40- All of you probably had lullabies - and fairy tales at bedtime.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- My mother would go...
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- .."Do you want a story?"
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- I'd be, "Oh, God!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- "Free Wales Army?" - "Yes."
0:12:53 > 0:12:54- Every night.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- I'll give you an example.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- One story started off like this.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- "So, we had a load - of unstable dynamite..."
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Apparently, dynamite goes off.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Not as in kaboom, - but as in sour milk.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- "That dynamite's like ripe cheese!"
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- This bloke had a bag - of unstable dynamite.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- I've seen photos, red sticks...
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- ..like the ones in cartoons, - with TNT down the side.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Free Wales Army or Wile E Coyote?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- He had to get rid - of this unstable dynamite.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- "I know, I'll go for a walk...
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- "..and throw it into - that dry river bed by the field.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- "And I'll take the dog with me.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- He goes for a walk, the bag splits, - the sticks fall out...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- ..and the dog thinks - the bloke wants to play catch.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- He picks up one dynamite stick...
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- ..and chases the bloke around - the field for about an hour...
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- ..before eventually biting - into the stick and exploding.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06- Just woof.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11- Just a reminder.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- This was the story my mother told me - to help me get to sleep.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- "Yes, the dog died. OK, goodnight."
0:14:20 > 0:14:25- If it wasn't stories like that, - it'd be political polemics.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- "Just so you know, - before you go to bed...
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- "..assassination for political ends - is always morally justifiable.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- "Mwah, love you."
0:14:38 > 0:14:39- .
0:14:41 > 0:14:41- Subtitles
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:14:43 > 0:14:49- It was a small army, - only 20 members at any one time.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- All the time, just 20, in an army.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58- To put that in context, there have - been 20 members of Guns N' Roses.
0:15:01 > 0:15:07- I talk about it with people - who aren't familiar with the FWA.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Some people, - especially English people, go...
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- .."That sounds amazing, - they were a crack team!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- "Like a Welsh Expendables."
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- No, there were very few of them, - not one was expendable.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- They were never in a gunfight...
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- ..but it would have been terrifying - for them if they had been.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30- Down!
0:15:31 > 0:15:32- Bang!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Oh, crap!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- "You've shot Llinos.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- "She was our lift, so, really..."
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- I'd hear more and more stories.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- The Free Wales Army - only had one casualty.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59- That was my dad.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01- He'd been shot...
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Thanks for that, fuck you!
0:16:04 > 0:16:05- He was shot...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- ..when they were on manoeuvres - on a mountain...
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- ..with bayonets and so on.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- They had to run down a field - and stab hay bales and stuff.
0:16:16 > 0:16:22- Dad's job was to hold up a gun, - count to three then shoot.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- But the Thomases - lack upper body strength...
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- ..and he got tired very quickly.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32- So, he went, "Three, two, one" - and shot himself in the foot.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- In a proper army, - if you shoot yourself in the foot...
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- ..you get an honourable discharge.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- In the Free Wales Army, - if you shoot yourself in the foot...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- ..all you get is a shit nickname.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48- My dad's nickname was Foot.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50- Dad was Foot.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- There was a bloke called Hotlips - because he tried a curry once.
0:16:57 > 0:17:03- Only one of them had a cool nickname - and that was the Butcher of Blaenau.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- He was a butcher in Blaenau.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- That's the Butcher of Blaenau, - the Milkman of Blaenau...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- There was a lot of stuff, - a lot of stuff...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- They did things like...
0:17:21 > 0:17:26- ..exchange schemes with - other terrorist organizations.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- We had to go to France - when we were at school.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- They went to Palestine.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- They arranged an exchange scheme - with the PLO.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- It's important you know this.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- The PLO, the Palestinian - Liberation Organization.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45- Not P&O.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- That would be a weird exchange.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Two FWA blokes just loading...
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- "Screw it, we're the cabaret."
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- A bloke from the PLO - had come over...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- ..and two blokes from Neath - went out there.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Now, the PLO chap - had a lot more fun...
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- ..than the Neath blokes did - out in Palestine...
0:18:11 > 0:18:16- ..running around for two weeks and - looking in the Arabic phrasebook.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- "I can't find - 'Where can I get a pint?'"
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- That happened, the exchange schemes.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- They were armed to the teeth, - technically.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- We had this gun, - and we had this helmet.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- I got this when I was small.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- It was a gift from my parents - when I was six.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41- Look at it!
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- I wore it today for the first time - since I was small.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49- Look at this.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50- Hang on.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- This is really painful.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- I only realized today - that this is a child-sized helmet.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- What the hell - did they have planned?!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12- They were trying to turn me - into a child soldier.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- So, we had those.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- But we had more than that.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- As I said, we had one landmine - and we had that gun.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- But there was another landmine.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- We had two landmines in the house.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- One in the cupboard...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- ..and my grandmother - had one under the bed.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- In her words, for home protection.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42- "I can't get rid of it - in case someone breaks in."
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- What would she do - if someone broke in?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- "I'll take us both out, prick."
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- The thing is, - she used to keep it under her bed...
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- ..metal, circular, - under the bed, next to a bedpan.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- Now, that's something...
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- ..that you don't want to mix up - at two in the morning.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- I think she might have, because - that landmine was quite rusty.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- She had actually - got rid of that landmine...
0:20:12 > 0:20:17- ..because in 1988, they'd had...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- ..this was in Swansea...
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- ..they'd had an arms amnesty - in Swansea.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- You could hand in weapons, - and many people did.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32- Grandad's World War Two revolver, - that sort of thing.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Then my grandmother - turns up with a landmine.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- She'd walked from Brynmill - to Cockett police station...
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- ..ideally situated - for an arms amnesty.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48- She walked, even though - she could have taken the bus.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- But she thought, - "I don't want to kill everyone."
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- She said that to the duty sergeant - when she handed it in...
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- ..ironically in a Spar bag for life.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- She just went, boom.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- "I've walked here with this.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- "I didn't want to kill - everyone on the bus."
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- He said, "You're a saint.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- That's a fairly low level - for sainthood.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- She could have killed - a busload of people, but she didn't.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- People still talked about that - at her funeral.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- We'd written stuff down - for the poor priest...
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- ..but he hadn't read through it - before starting the eulogy.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- "Gladys was a good woman - beloved by all..."
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Fairly standard stuff.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- "She was very involved - in Labour politics.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- "I'm sorry, I can't read that.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- "It looks like nearly killed - a busload of people but didn't."
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Late arrivals were asking, - "Is this Gladys?"
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- That was the first time - I went to a funeral.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- But it wasn't the first time - I had to deal with death.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- Most people learn about death - with the loss of a pet or something.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- I found out aged nine, - when my mother came up and said...
0:22:05 > 0:22:06- .."Do you know when I die?
0:22:07 > 0:22:12- "I want to show you the package - I want from the undertaker's."
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- Genuinely, she had a brochure!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- I was nine, and she thought, - "Now's the time, he needs to know."
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- "I want to be cremated and scattered - in the field by Aberglasney.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- "Just remember, OK?"
0:22:25 > 0:22:26- "OK."
0:22:27 > 0:22:28- "Goodnight!" again.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- About a year ago, she asked...
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- .."Do you remember where I want - my ashes spread? Aberglasney?"
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- "Yes, I still think about it.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- "I've spoken - to my psychiatrist about it."
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- "I've changed my mind now because - they've got a new toilet block...
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- "..and it's very vulgar, - so I don't want to go there now."
0:22:51 > 0:22:55- I thought, "You're not going - to use it, you mad bat.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- "Why do you care? You're insane."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- I told her last weekend...
0:23:00 > 0:23:05- ..that I'd be talking about - her change of heart about her ashes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- She said, "Oh, no, don't say that, - people will think I'm weird."
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- An hour later, she revealed...
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- ..that she was considering - putting AstroTurf in the bath.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- She's eccentric, - I think that's the word.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- If I use the word mental, - people say it's a bit much.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Then I tell the stories, - and it's, "Fair enough."
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- I prefer the word eccentric.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- By the mid-1980s...
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- ..she was a single parent raising me - and my sister, and it was hard.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- I've got much more sympathy now - for her eccentricities.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- I'm a parent myself now, - we have two young daughters.
0:23:47 > 0:23:48- Cheers.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Who here has children?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Yes, full of joy.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Who doesn't have children?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04- It's lovely, don't get me wrong.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Children are lovely.
0:24:06 > 0:24:12- Children are the best things - I've ever created with my penis.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- It's not a long list, - babies and one IKEA bookshelf.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- After I finished, - I found the Allen key.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- "That would have been handy - an hour ago. I need Savlon!"
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Everything changes - when you have a baby.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40- Your house changes and now we have - two, there are toys everywhere.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Choking hazards everywhere, - and they don't work.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- The first thing we bought - was a baby monitor.
0:24:50 > 0:24:56- When I was young, baby monitors - were a microphone and a speaker.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57- That's all.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- These days, they have a camera - pointing at the baby...
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- ..and you have a screen - in the room where you are.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- You can look at the baby all day.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- We had one of those.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14- We watched the baby on the screen - all day, just looking at her face.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16- Her nose.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19- Her cheeks.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21- Her lips.
0:25:21 > 0:25:22- Her chin.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- I said to my wife, - "We made that with our love."
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- We did that all day, every day.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- But in the dark, - it goes into night vision...
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- ..and the baby looks - like the fucking exorcist.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42- Everything changes.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- In the day, she's just cute.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Six o'clock, it's dark, - and it's horrific.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- I remember the first time - the baby cried at 3.00am.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- My wife asked me to go.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- I looked at the screen and said...
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- .."No, I'm not going in there - by myself, not without a shotgun...
0:26:07 > 0:26:08- "..and a priest."
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- That's the only time - when it's OK...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- ..to take a priest - into your child's room.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23- That joke went down better than it - did in Dublin, so thanks for that.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25- .
0:26:27 > 0:26:27- Subtitles
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Has anyone seen The Omen?
0:26:35 > 0:26:40- Basically, if you haven't seen it, - it's about the spawn of Satan...
0:26:42 > 0:26:43- ..born of a jackal...
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- ..pure evil.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- The fact is...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- ..in that film, - the kid doesn't do anything...
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- ..I don't have to deal with - five times every freaking day.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56- It's horseshit.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58- The worst thing he does...
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- ..is almost hit his nursery nurse - down the stairs with a tricycle.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05- Keyword, almost.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- He doesn't actually do it.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11- My children set up tripwires - at the top of the stairs.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15- There's one scene in The Omen - where they take the kid...
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- ..to one of those - drive-through wildlife parks.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24- When they pass the baboons, the - baboons all sense evil in the car.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- They start to attack the car.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- They just go nuts, right.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- I took my kids to Whipsnade Zoo.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- In the baboon bit, - it was exactly the same.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- The baboons began - to throw shit at our car.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42- But my kids were in the car - matching them turd for turd.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- That was in my car.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49- The head baboon looked right at me.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- "Leave this guy alone, - he's having a bad day.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- "Guys, remember, - we are above all entertainers.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- "Move on, mate, go to the gift shop.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- When I was growing up, - it was really hard...
0:28:03 > 0:28:08- When I was growing up, it was - a lot harder to make children cry.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- You really had to hit them.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16- The father of one of my friends - broke his rotator cuff...
0:28:16 > 0:28:20- ..just by whacking him one evening, - and he cried a little bit.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- My kids cried this morning because - I'd bought them a blind bag...
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- Do you know what a blind bag is?
0:28:28 > 0:28:29- It's a swindle.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- You'll know it's a con - if you have kids.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- It's a toy in a vacuum-packed bag.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- But you can't see what's in it - until you've bought it.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45- Then the kids freak out - if they've already got it.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47- Tough. We've bought it now.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- She started to cry this morning.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52- My child cried this morning...
0:28:52 > 0:28:56- ..essentially because Dadi doesn't - have X-ray freaking vision.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00- "Dad's not clairvoyant. Boohoo!"
0:29:03 > 0:29:09- As a parent, I used to think - that 9/11 was something really bad.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- Then I found out that - Osama Bin Laden had 24 children...
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- ..and I'm much more sympathetic now.
0:29:20 > 0:29:24- I've only got two, - and I've never blown anything up.
0:29:24 > 0:29:29- The worst I've done is walk - into a giant Jenga in a pub.
0:29:29 > 0:29:30- "Death to the West!
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- "Sorry, they're teething, - I'm in a terrible mood."
0:29:35 > 0:29:37- It's like being a hostage.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39- I feel like a hostage, right.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43- I'm giving you mixed messages, - but I do feel like a hostage.
0:29:44 > 0:29:48- There are two of them, and I look - after them in the day sometimes.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52- Just me and two little kids, - and I feel like Terry Waite.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- Some of you know. - Who remembers Terry Waite?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59- If you don't, - he was taken hostage...
0:29:59 > 0:30:01- What an amazing reaction.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- Someone went, "Hooray!
0:30:04 > 0:30:09- "Finally, someone's doing - Terry Waite material!"
0:30:09 > 0:30:12- If you don't remember Terry Waite...
0:30:12 > 0:30:17- ..in the 1980s, he was an assistant - to the Archbishop of Canterbury...
0:30:17 > 0:30:19- ..who was taken hostage in Beirut.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23- The job title assistant - to the Archbishop of Canterbury...
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- ..doesn't sound as if you'd be - at risk of kidnap in Beirut.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32- "What's the job? Stuff around the - office, teas and coffees and so on.
0:30:32 > 0:30:36- "And you might have to broker peace - in the Middle East."
0:30:36 > 0:30:37- "What was that?"
0:30:38 > 0:30:39- "Don't worry about it."
0:30:39 > 0:30:43- He went to Beirut - and was held hostage for five years.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47- Five years tied to a radiator, - and that's how I feel.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52- But at least he was able - to spend five years thinking...
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- .."If I get out of this alive, - I'm getting a book deal."
0:30:57 > 0:30:59- At least he had that option, - but I don't.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01- That actually happened.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07- He was released, wrote a book - and sold half a million copies.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11- The person I feel sorry for - is his publisher.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14- He was probably going, - "Hey, Terry, great book.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18- "Sold half a million copies, - it's a hit.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20- "What have you got next?"
0:31:22 > 0:31:28- And Terry's just, - "Um, well, that was the bulk of it.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- "That was the interesting bit, - I've told you the rest.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35- "Teas and coffees and bits - and pieces around the office.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38- "I'm not sure - there's a book in that."
0:31:38 > 0:31:40- The publisher would go...
0:31:40 > 0:31:44- .."Don't worry, I've got a plan, - but you're not going to like it.
0:31:45 > 0:31:50- "Basically, I've booked you in for - a two-week speaking tour of Nigeria.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- "I've put the word around...
0:31:52 > 0:31:56- "..that you called Boko Haram - a bunch of knobheads...
0:31:56 > 0:31:58- "..and we'll see what happens."
0:32:00 > 0:32:03- You know, I do...
0:32:03 > 0:32:05- Children.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08- I try to be a good parent.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10- It's hard, but I try.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- I try to be at least - as good a parent as mine were.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16- Again, Free Wales Army members.
0:32:16 > 0:32:19- I remember my parents' friends - coming over.
0:32:20 > 0:32:26- I'd sit on someone's lap, - not knowing they were in the FWA.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28- They'd say things like...
0:32:28 > 0:32:32- .."Do you know anything - about the Clywedog bomb in 1966?"
0:32:32 > 0:32:33- And I'd be, "No!"
0:32:35 > 0:32:36- "I'm nine."
0:32:36 > 0:32:39- And he'd go, "No, me neither."
0:32:44 > 0:32:46- It's weird talking about it.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50- I've discussed the FWA in gigs, - and I remember one in Barry.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53- Someone came up to me, - and he was only about 20.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- Very young. He came up to me.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00- "You mentioned the Free Wales Army. - Can I show you something?"
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- He just unzipped his top and went...
0:33:05 > 0:33:08- He had a tattoo, - Free Wales Army For Ever.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13- I thought, "Well, OK."
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- But if you're a member - of a terrorist organization...
0:33:18 > 0:33:22- ..it's important to have - what I'd call plausible deniability.
0:33:23 > 0:33:24- If you get arrested...
0:33:24 > 0:33:29- No-one in the Mafia gets arrested, - "We think you're a Mafia member."
0:33:30 > 0:33:32- "You can't prove it." - "OK, unzip."
0:33:32 > 0:33:36- "Goddammit. Knew I shouldn't - have got the tattoo that says....
0:33:36 > 0:33:40- .."'I love the Mafia, - of which I am a part.'
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- "Shoulda got the dolphin tattoo, - that would have been cute."
0:33:44 > 0:33:47- I'll say a couple of other things.
0:33:47 > 0:33:51- I've heard these stories - since I was small.
0:33:51 > 0:33:56- My favourite story - concerns my father being arrested.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- Actually, he hadn't. - He'd been jailed.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04- Some of his friends - had been arrested...
0:34:04 > 0:34:07- ..for conspiracy - to commit acts of terror.
0:34:07 > 0:34:12- Dad had decided to go - to give a speech during the trial...
0:34:12 > 0:34:14- ..just to put everyone off.
0:34:17 > 0:34:18- "This'll confuse 'em!"
0:34:19 > 0:34:21- He started to make a speech.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25- You know this was in Swansea - because the judge said to him...
0:34:26 > 0:34:30- ..I swear to God, this is the quote, - "Oi, dickhead, come over here!"
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- My father said, "What?"
0:34:33 > 0:34:35- "Are you going to shut up?" - "No."
0:34:35 > 0:34:39- "In that case, I'm putting you - in jail until the end of the trial.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43- "It should be about a fortnight. - Take him away."
0:34:43 > 0:34:44- So he had to go to jail.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47- This happened on a Friday.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- On the Monday, - he was meant to be in work.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- In those days, - the boss came around with a list...
0:34:53 > 0:34:57- ..and ticked names off - to make sure you were there.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00- Off he went. - "Thomas? Where's Thomas?"
0:35:01 > 0:35:05- His friend just said, - "Oh, he's in jail!"
0:35:06 > 0:35:11- The boss said, "Jail, is it? - Right. I don't know what to do.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15- "I can't put him down as sick.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17- "I'll put him down as holiday.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20- "That way, - he gets paid for the time."
0:35:22 > 0:35:24- That actually happened.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27- I'll tell you something else.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30- My mother's just had - her first mobile phone.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32- It was six months ago.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36- She let my kids play with it.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39- This irritated me, - it's just a segue now.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41- My kids broke her phone.
0:35:42 > 0:35:43- Who has an iPhone?
0:35:44 > 0:35:45- Yes, everyone.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50- If you break it, - you have to take it...
0:35:50 > 0:35:54- ..to somewhere called the Genius Bar - in an Apple store.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58- That's not progress if it takes - a genius to repair something.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02- When I was growing up, - if anything electrical broke down...
0:36:02 > 0:36:06- ..we'd take it - to someone called Stupid Clive.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09- We'd wheel the TV over to him.
0:36:10 > 0:36:11- "The telly's broken."
0:36:12 > 0:36:13- "I'll sort it out."
0:36:13 > 0:36:18- He'd wheel it into the back room - and you'd just hear hammering.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19- "Bastard thing!"
0:36:19 > 0:36:22- He'd wheel it back out - and it would work fine.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25- So, iPhones aren't progress.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27- Anyway, that's a segue.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30- One more story before I finish.
0:36:30 > 0:36:35- All the FWA stories - are from the '60s and '70s.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37- But something happened.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40- Actually, I'd asked my mother...
0:36:40 > 0:36:44- ..if she had any regrets - about being a member of the FWA.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- They were essentially terrorists...
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- ..spreading fear, planting bombs, - causing some damage.
0:36:51 > 0:36:52- Any regrets?
0:36:52 > 0:36:54- This is genuinely what Mam said.
0:36:54 > 0:36:58- "Yes, I never got to kick - an Englishman in the bollocks."
0:36:59 > 0:37:02- That was my mother's big regret.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- This was a long time ago, - but she's still got it.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09- That slight crazy mobster quality.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12- I was going through - her address book...
0:37:13 > 0:37:14- ..about six months ago.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19- I found the number - for a company called TSU.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22- Then, in brackets...
0:37:22 > 0:37:26- ..private South African - mercenary firm.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30- This woman is 72 - and lives in Brynmill in Swansea.
0:37:30 > 0:37:35- "Why have you got the number - of a South African mercenary firm?"
0:37:35 > 0:37:39- Genuinely, she said, - "Because you never know."
0:37:39 > 0:37:42- What the hell could happen?
0:37:42 > 0:37:47- I'm really terrified now because - she lives next door to students...
0:37:47 > 0:37:48- ..and they can be noisy.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51- One night, - they'll push her over the edge.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54- She'll be straight on the phone.
0:37:54 > 0:37:58- "Hello, is this the private - South African mercenary firm?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01- "Good, I've got a voucher."
0:38:02 > 0:38:06- Back to bed she goes, - then 20 minutes later...
0:38:08 > 0:38:12- ..black army helicopters - landing on next door's roof.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16- Then through the wall, you hear, - "Target down, target down.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18- "Clear, into the second room.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21- "Target down, clear the room.
0:38:21 > 0:38:22- "Upstairs now.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24- "Targets down, clear.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26- "Up to the third level.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28- "Site clear."
0:38:29 > 0:38:32- Silence for a minute, - then a knock on Mam's door.
0:38:32 > 0:38:37- It's a massive six foot five - South African in a ski mask...
0:38:37 > 0:38:38- ..holding two bags...
0:38:40 > 0:38:41- ..full of heads.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- He hands them over and says, - "OK, give me the voucher.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50- "The next one is free."
0:38:52 > 0:38:53- .
0:38:55 > 0:38:55- Subtitles
0:38:55 > 0:38:57- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:38:58 > 0:39:02- I had to ask why they were so angry.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05- Why they were members - of the Free Wales Army?
0:39:05 > 0:39:10- They were angry with the English - but angrier with the British Empire.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13- The British were the real enemy.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17- I'd tried to find out - why they were so angry with them.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19- For the show, - I thought I'd look up...
0:39:19 > 0:39:23- ..some of the bad things - that the British Empire did...
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- ..and make a couple of jokes - about them.
0:39:26 > 0:39:30- But if you look up the top five - British imperial war atrocities...
0:39:31 > 0:39:33- ..not a lot of jokes.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35- This was my face.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38- "Oh, God, straight away."
0:39:38 > 0:39:41- What's this? Inspired the Nazis? - This isn't funny.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45- The funniest thing I could find...
0:39:46 > 0:39:50- ..or the most light-hearted thing - that the British Empire did...
0:39:50 > 0:39:53- ..were the 19th century - opium wars...
0:39:53 > 0:39:57- ..where they sent people to China - to get all our heroin back.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00- They sent the army and navy...
0:40:00 > 0:40:05- ..working class boys, - all willing to go out to China.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08- "I'm willing to give up my life...
0:40:08 > 0:40:12- "..to make sure that - my darling Queen, our dear Queen...
0:40:13 > 0:40:15- "..gets her daily dose of smack.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18- "I want to make sure - there's enough heroin...
0:40:18 > 0:40:21- "..for every man, woman - and child in my country."
0:40:22 > 0:40:24- Essentially, that's what they said.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26- I went to Swansea University.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30- My university experience - was very different to theirs.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33- They'd formed an army.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35- The closest I'd got...
0:40:35 > 0:40:40- ..was sitting - on the committee at university...
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- ..that ran the tuck shop.
0:40:43 > 0:40:49- In 2002, Nestle was doing something - slightly immoral in Africa.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53- Overcharging - for synthetic baby milk.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57- The lefties said, "That's terrible, - let's do something," so, we did.
0:40:58 > 0:41:02- Thanks to me, you can't buy Rolos - at Swansea University now.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05- You're welcome, Africa.
0:41:07 > 0:41:08- This is amazing.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12- I was at university in Swansea - just after 9/11.
0:41:13 > 0:41:14- It's a good uni, it is.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17- But it's not exactly Oxbridge.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20- I saw something - that was pure optimism.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23- A pub I used to go to, - Spoonies, Wetherspoons...
0:41:24 > 0:41:26- A lot of students went there.
0:41:26 > 0:41:30- MI6 had started to put beer mats - in Wetherspoons in Swansea.
0:41:30 > 0:41:33- "Have you considered - a career in MI6?"
0:41:33 > 0:41:35- Now, that's optimism.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38- What quality of people - would they get?
0:41:38 > 0:41:43- The best outcome there - would be that Osama Bin Laden...
0:41:44 > 0:41:47- What did they imagine would happen?
0:41:47 > 0:41:51- Osama running through some - Afghan terror network tunnels...
0:41:51 > 0:41:54- ..being chased by one bloke.
0:41:56 > 0:42:01- Osama would eventually be trapped - against the back of the cave.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04- "Where did they ever find - a man of your calibre?"
0:42:04 > 0:42:08- "Wetherspoons, Swansea. - Bang. He's down, boys!
0:42:08 > 0:42:10- "We're all going to Spoofers!"
0:42:12 > 0:42:17- Before I go, this is a story - that happened six months ago.
0:42:17 > 0:42:23- I was at a family friend's wedding - with my mother.
0:42:23 > 0:42:27- My mother was standing over there, - just ruining the buffet.
0:42:28 > 0:42:29- Shocking!
0:42:30 > 0:42:33- Ever seen anyone eating - two Scotch eggs at once? Mental!
0:42:36 > 0:42:38- I was talking to a bloke over here.
0:42:38 > 0:42:43- He was a big boy, - broad shoulders, fit bloke.
0:42:43 > 0:42:44- "So, what do you do?"
0:42:45 > 0:42:49- "I'm actually a member of Special - Branch's anti-terror unit."
0:42:49 > 0:42:51- "Oh, that's interesting.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53- "I actually...
0:42:53 > 0:42:56- "This might be - of some interest to you.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01- "That lady over there who's - currently ruining the buffet...
0:43:01 > 0:43:05- "..with two Scotch eggs - in her mouth, that's my mum.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09- "She used to be a member - of the Free Wales Army.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12- "You probably - haven't heard of them."
0:43:12 > 0:43:14- And he laughed. He laughed.
0:43:15 > 0:43:19- "Oh, we've heard of the FWA. - We've actually got a running joke.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22- "Every day - at the start of the day...
0:43:23 > 0:43:27- ..we run through a list of - current terror threats to Britain.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31- "It starts off ISIS, maximum threat.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34- "Al-Qaeda, maximum threat.
0:43:34 > 0:43:39- "Then, an hour and a half later, - after all the other threats...
0:43:39 > 0:43:44- "..just as a joke, we get to - Free Wales Army, minimal threat."
0:43:44 > 0:43:46- And he laughed again.
0:43:47 > 0:43:49- "Oh, well, good speaking to you.
0:43:53 > 0:43:57- "Mam, Mam, put the Scotch egg down, - for Christ's sake.
0:43:59 > 0:44:04- "That bloke over there - has a running joke about the FWA."
0:44:05 > 0:44:06- She said, "Oh."
0:44:07 > 0:44:08- She took out her phone.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14- Remember the old days - when the IRA was active?
0:44:14 > 0:44:17- They'd call ahead - with coded warnings.
0:44:17 > 0:44:19- Mam just picked up her phone.
0:44:19 > 0:44:23- "Hiya. This is Helen - from the Free Wales Army.
0:44:23 > 0:44:24- "Yes, we're back.
0:44:29 > 0:44:33- "I'd like to claim responsibility - for an attack. What attack?
0:44:33 > 0:44:36- "A kick to the bollocks one of - your pricks is about to take."
0:44:38 > 0:44:39- Do you know what?
0:44:41 > 0:44:43- A lot of people have asked me this.
0:44:44 > 0:44:49- "What effect has being the child - of Free Wales Army members...
0:44:49 > 0:44:52- "..had on your life, Dan?"
0:44:52 > 0:44:53- And I thought...
0:44:57 > 0:44:59- .."Well, this isn't normal!"
0:45:00 > 0:45:02- You've been fantastic.
0:45:02 > 0:45:07- Thanks for coming, it means a lot. - I've been Dan Thomas, goodnight.
0:45:24 > 0:45:26- S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.
0:45:26 > 0:45:27- .