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0:00:04 > 0:00:10- Ladies and gentlemen, - please welcome Elis James!
0:00:17 > 0:00:18- Hello!
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- Hello, are you all OK?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- Great. Well, I've been on tour.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- The thing about being on tour - around Wales....
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- ..you can't think - too much of yourself.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38- The Welsh have a unique way - of bringing you back down to earth.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Last Saturday, - I was in Felinfach, Ceredigion.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44- Theatr Felinfach.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49- I didn't pick on anyone, - but I got talking to the front row.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- "Hello, what's your name?" - and he just went, "Don't!"
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- "Don't!" "What? Dai?" "No, don't!"
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- "OK, shall I carry on?" "Yes."
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- They say that Glasgow's - a tough comedy gig.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- You try doing Theatr Felinfach - on a Saturday night.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- You write stand-up - by doing work in progress gigs.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- In Welsh, "gwaith mewn llaw", - but no-one says that.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- I was doing these gigs.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- There's a scene in England, - London especially.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- You turn up - at work in progress gigs.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- Part of the fun is seeing comics, - some of them famous...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- ..reading off - the backs of envelopes or receipts.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- There's nothing like that - in Wales...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- ..especially not in Welsh.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Do you know, - people don't always like it.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- I've only had this heckle - in Caernarfon.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- "He hasn't even learnt - his own jokes. For shame.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- "For shame. Shame on you.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- "I've paid 3 for this, 3!"
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- He didn't walk out, though, - because he had paid 3.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- He sat there and hated every minute.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- I'm very keen - on boxing slash pugilism.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16- Pugilism is a funny word, as it - doesn't describe what boxing is.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- "I've been pugilising all night.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24- "I'm out of breath.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- "I'm out of puff from pugilising.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- "Pugilising all day and all night.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- "That's a pro pugilist's life."
0:02:35 > 0:02:40- Imagine saying to Mike Tyson, - "You're my favourite pugilist."
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- "You, Mike - are my favourite pugilist.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- "No, no, no, no, I'm telling you.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- "You are my favourite pugilist."
0:02:51 > 0:02:55- The only way I'd improve - pugilism slash boxing...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- You know that pre-fight trash talk?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- "Trafod terfysg," - for you Radio Cymru listeners.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- "Clebran clatsho."
0:03:05 > 0:03:11- Instead of having - American boxers trash-talking...
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- ..I'd have Westwalian hambones.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- My entertainment as a youth...
0:03:16 > 0:03:21- ..was watching farmers squaring up - outside pubs on Saturday nights.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- No-one fights - like Westwalian hambones.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- They all fight the same way.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27- Chests out.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30- "Go on, hit me then, hit me."
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- "Bwrw fi te'r brych."
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- "Hit me then, you afterbirth."
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- You're a bit of cow afterbirth.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- The word "afterbirth" has no place - in the world of fighting!
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- You won't hear it - at the MGM Grand...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- ..or Madison Square Garden - or Caesars Palace.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Can you imagine Muhammad Ali?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- "Float like a butterfly, - bite like an afterbirth."
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- "Bwrw fi te. - Os ti'n bwrw fi, sbadda i ti."
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Sbadda i ti - I'll castrate you!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- He stood on your wife's foot - in the Golden Lion...
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- ..and now you want to castrate him.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16- Chill out, mate!
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- My favourite is, - "Bwra i fe nes bod e'n tasgu."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- I'll hit him until he splashes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- "Nes bod e'n tasgu."
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- Until you splash, pal.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- There's a poetic feel - to the word "splash".
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Splash, pal. Splash.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- I read an interesting article - during the summer.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- It said that bilingual people...
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- ..have two personalities, - one for each language.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- I agree with that, - and this is why.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- There's no English equivalent...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- English people - don't have anything to compare...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- ..with the way normal Welsh people - talk to old people...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- ..especially relatives.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- If I visit my grandparents...
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- ..or Uncle Jac and Auntie Beryl - in Cefneithin...
0:05:05 > 0:05:10- I love visiting them, but I change - the moment I walk into the house.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- There I am, 36 years old.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Jac is 94 and Beryl is 89.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22- Beryl will bring some Welsh cakes - over and I'll go, "Oh, Beryl!"
0:05:24 > 0:05:28- "Welsh cakes? Someone's been busy!"
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- "Was it you? Someone has been!"
0:05:30 > 0:05:35- Jac will go, "Beryl's been busy." - Beryl will go, "I've been busy."
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- "Look at these Welsh cakes. - You've been up all night."
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- "I've never bought Welsh cakes. - They don't taste the same."
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- "No, they don't taste the same."
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- "They don't taste the same, - no, no, they don't."
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- "I was up all night." - "Beryl was up all night." "Was she?"
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- "Hey, I like these plates, I do. - When did you get these?"
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- "They're wedding plates. We've - had them half a century." "No!"
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- "Get away! Get away! You don't say."
0:06:07 > 0:06:12- "Yes, half a century. - They made things to last back then."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- "Didn't they make things to last?"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- "These will outlast me and Jac.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- "You can eat Welsh cakes - off these plates at my funeral."
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- "How are you then? How are you?"
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- My partner's mother, Val, - has reached that age.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- If she was Welsh, that's how - I'd speak to her, but Val's English.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- If she came in - with a Victoria sponge and I went...
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- .."Well, Val, Victoria sponge!"
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- "Somebody's been busy!"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- "You've been up all night - making a Victoria sponge!"
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Val would say, - "Have you had a breakdown?"
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Last time, I took my daughter Beti, - who's two and a half.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- There I was, - rolling her trouser legs up.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- "Look, Jac and Beryl, - that's what I call two tidy legs.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04- "Two tidy legs.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06- "Oh, she's a strong one.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08- "Oh, she's strong.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- "Look at her arms.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- "Potato harvesting arms!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- "Potato harvesting arms, yes!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- "Hasn't the weather turned?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- "Hasn't the weather turned?
0:07:20 > 0:07:26- "This time last week, - I was sweating like a breeding sow."
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- What's with the agricultural words?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- I've never lived on a farm!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- "It's cold enough - to freeze a donkey's scrotum."
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- I've never seen a donkey's scrotum.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40- Google.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46- I don't know the optimum temperature - for a donkey's scrotum.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- But out come these words.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- When I leave, - I hope Jac and Beryl just ask...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- .."Why does he talk like that?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- "Does he have an app on his phone - to talk like that to old folk?"
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- I'm trying to remember - when I learnt to talk to old people.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08- I must have been young. I remember - phoning Auntie Peg in Aberystwyth.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Mam would go, "Elis, - do you want a quick word?"
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- "Do you want a quick word - with Auntie Peg?"
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- "Auntie Peg, how are you?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- "Listen, - I'm at nursery school full-time now.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- "Yes, morning and afternoon.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32- "Yes, morning and afternoon.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- "No, I've been out of nappies - for ages now, Auntie Peg.
0:08:37 > 0:08:44- "The odd accident still happens - but that's how it goes, yes.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50- "No, I'm on the red table with Owain - Davies, Rhun Lenny and Sian Harries.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- "There's a lot of chatter - on the red table.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- "No, I'm not naughty, - I'm just talkative.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- "Five and a half, six in November.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- "Five and a half, six in November.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- "Yes, I'll be having a party. - A pool party, probably.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- "I don't like swimming, but - why complain when no-one listens.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- "Yes, there we are.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- "That's the way it is and will be.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- "I'll pass you back to Mam now.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- "Take care, ta-ra, ta-ra."
0:09:30 > 0:09:31- I live in London now.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Longing strikes me in odd ways.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Beti's friend, Emily, - started school recently.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- I saw her the other day.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- "How are you, Emily? - Are you having fun?"
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- "I've started school. - I'm on the puffin table.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- "The puffin table is the best one."
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- "Oh, is it? In 1986, - I was on the red table...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- "..so piss off, - you and your puffin table.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- "Sorry, please don't cry. - Your father's in the TAs."
0:10:01 > 0:10:01- .
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0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Longing is linked with pride.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- I went to the Euros last year, - the best summer of my life.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- One of the best things was seeing - flags bearing place-names...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- ..before very game, - places from all over Wales.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27- What I liked was...
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- ..the size of the flag - never matched...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- ..the size of the village.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41- Before the England game, there was - a huge flag behind the goal.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Llanboidy on tour, 2016.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Capel Dewi boys, France 2016.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Bagillt. Where's Bagillt?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- No-one can tell me where Bagillt is.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Judging by the flag, - Bagillt could be the capital.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- It's enormous.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- A huge flag from Bagillt.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- We're with the Ffostrasol boys. - Good lads.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- A big flag, whoa, a big flag.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- Before the game, I said, - "Hey, I like your flag."
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- He said, "The eyes of the world - are finally on us."
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- "The eyes of the world are on us.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- "This is our chance - to put Ffostrasol on the map.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- "At last, we have a chance - to tell the world...
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- "..that there's more to Ffostrasol - than the Cnapan folk festival."
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- "The eyes of the world - can see Ffostrasol.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Then his friend piped up.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- "Our flag's so big, - and in such a prominent spot...
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- "..I hope someone sees the flag - and invests in Ffostrasol."
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Invest in Ffostrasol?!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- He must have been smoking crack.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- The idea that Roman Abramovich - is at home with his feet up...
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- ..watching Wales v Russia on TV.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- "Hmm, I'm looking for - an exciting new place to invest...
0:12:09 > 0:12:10- "..but where?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- "This Ffostrasol place - looks pretty nice.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16- Quick Google.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- "Hmm, it is near - the metropolis of Llandysul, OK.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- "Ah, the local pub - has a Talwrn Y Beirdd team. Nice.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26- "Aah!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- "There is an A road to Plwmp."
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- "An A road to Plwmp, OK.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- "I could trade freely - with Plwmp. Very nice."
0:12:44 > 0:12:49- Apart from Ffostrasol's flag, - the biggest was from Greenfield.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- I had to Google Greenfield - because I had no idea where it was.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- It has a fantastic Wikipedia page.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00- "Greenfield near Holywell is most - notable for its speed camera."
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- The Ffostrasol boys are still - waiting for their speed camera.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06- "Any day, any day!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Now, I speak Welsh with my daughter.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15- We live in London - and I speak Welsh with her.
0:13:15 > 0:13:21- She goes to childminder, Carol, - who's a true native of Peckham.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- She sounds like someone - from Only Fools And Horses.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- I speak Welsh with Beti Mair, - but Carol speaks English to her.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Beti's too young to differentiate.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Carol's had to learn some Welsh - to communicate with her.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- I turn up to fetch Beti, - and Carol opens the door.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- "Oh dear, Daddy, don't talk to me - about your daughter.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- "She's been a naughty girl today. - She won't eat none of her bwyd."
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- "I couldn't understand - what was wrong with her.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- "Come on, Beti, - you love selsig and pasta."
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- "Selsig and pasta's your favourite. - Why don't you clirio your plat?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- "You used to always - clirio your plat for Carol."
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- "She wanted mas of the high chair, - so I took her to the park.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- "It might be my fault - why she didn't clirio her plat.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19- "We made fairy cakes in the morning - and she was licking that llwy.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- "She was licking that llwy - like nobody's business.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24- "And we went to the park.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- "If we're going to the park, - Beti, you've got to dal my llaw."
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- "It's a busy road, - you need to dal my llaw."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- "And she wouldn't, Daddy.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40- "You used to live daling my llaw, - you were always daling my llaw."
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- "Come on!"
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- "Right, Daddy, quick question.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- "If it's ci for dog - and cath for cat...
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- "..in Welsh, - is it still woof and miaw?"
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- "Yes, I still say woof and miaw."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- "What noise - are you making for llwynog?"
0:15:02 > 0:15:03- "Llwynog? Oh."
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- "Llwynog is sort of waaaaah."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- "Oh, I thought - you might have a good one.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- "She's funny, your daughter, - she was having us in fits.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- "She went to the shelf - with kiddies books."
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- "Carol? Carol? Show me the money."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- "Show me the money."
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- I said, "She's not saying show me - the money, she's saying Sali Mali."
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- "She wants you - to read Sali Mali to her."
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- "Oh, right, who's this Sali Mali?"
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- "Sali Mali - is a little orange Welsh woman...
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- "..who lives on her own, - a proto Bridget Jones figure.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- "Very late one night, - there's a knock on Sali Mali's door.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- "She answers the door, - ignoring police advice.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- "There's a jackdaw at the door.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- "Sali Mali invites it in, - feeds it and sleeps with it."
0:16:09 > 0:16:15- Children looks after children - of different ethnic backgrounds.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- There's a boy called Juroslav - whose parents are Ukrainian.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23- He speaks some Welsh - because he talks to Beti.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- "Elis, I like finger dance song.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- # Un bys, dau bys, - tri bys yn dawnsio #
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Carol joins in.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- # Pum bys, chwe bys, - saith bys yn dawnsio
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- # Deg bys yn dawnsio'n llon #
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- "That's one of my favourites.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- "I like boring boring - hen blant bach."
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- "It's heno heno, - not boring boring, Carol."
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- "Oh, right, sorry, sorry."
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- Juroslav is a clever boy.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Hopefully, in 20 years, - he'll invest in Ffostrasol.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58- Fingers crossed.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01- Clearing your plate...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- "She will not clirio her plat!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- Clearing your plate - is a big part of Welsh culture.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11- If you had a Welsh Tinder...
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- ..it would have to be - some sort of option.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Age, 25, seeking fun, maybe more.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Clear your plate? Every time. Swipe.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Swipe, swipe, oh!
0:17:26 > 0:17:31- Believe it or not, there's a Welsh - nursery not far from where I live.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- We take Beti there sometimes.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- I've noticed something interesting.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- Children with parents - from South Wales...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- ..the parents sound like me...
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- ..but the children - sound like Welsh-speaking Cockneys.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- That's what they are, really.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- But children - with parents from North Wales...
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- "Mam, are we going to get a cuppa - in Oxford Circus now?"
0:18:01 > 0:18:02- How are they doing it?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- It's the world's most robust accent!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- "Go to Leicester Square - and walk to Piccadilly Circus."
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- He lives in Clapham. - How can he sound like this?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15- It's amazing.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- If Trump or Putin press the button, - in 5,000 years...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- ..the only things that'll survive...
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- ..are cockroaches - and the Gwynedd accent.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- In 5,000 years, - loads of Gog-sounding cockroaches.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- "There's not much left - since that bomb dropped, no.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- "Remember Mark Hughes - on C'mon Midffild? Good, eh?
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- "Do you remember Mark Hughes - on C'mon Midffild?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- "The real Mark Hughes.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- "He played for Bryncoch - when he was with Man U. Good, eh?
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- "Bayern Munich, Barcelona, - Chelsea, Bryncoch. Good, eh?"
0:19:00 > 0:19:05- Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild - is the Gogs' moon landing.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15- They're all totally obsessed - with Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- Three words, "Siawns am gem?" - That's all he says!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- "Any chance of a game, Mr Picton?"
0:19:23 > 0:19:28- "Siawns am gem?" Thousands of Gogs, - the real Mark Hughes with Bryncoch!
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- They have C'mon Midffild parties.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- I went to Cardiff University and - tried to meet fellow Welsh-speakers.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- "I'm Elis from Carmarthen - and I study History."
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- "I'm Garmon from Bangor. Remember - Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild?"
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- "I'm Meirion from Anglesey. Remember - Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- I had to explain, it's a cameo, - not a basis for a culture.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- Mark Hughes didn't ask.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- He didn't ask - to be on C'mon Midffild.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- They asked him and he agreed - because there was a fee involved.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- Alex Ferguson, the United manager, - didn't have to make an awkward call.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- "Hi, is that S4C? Listen.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20- "It's Alex Ferguson here, - manager of Manchester United.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22- "My boy Mark won't play...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- "..unless he gets a wee cameo - in C'mon Midffild.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- "No, he won't train.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- "Can you sort that out? - That's really great. OK.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- "Mark, it's done. Three words, - Siawns am gem. Can you say that?"
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- The other players were jealous.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- Bryan Robson, the captain.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- "He's allowed - to meet Bryn Fon, Tecs.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- "I'm England captain, - I've played in two World Cups.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- "He's allowed to meet Wali - and Mr Picton."
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- "OK, first team, - whole squad, all in.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- "All in. Right, OK, I get it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01- "I get it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06- "You play for Manchester United, - biggest club on the planet.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- "You think that gives you - a God-given right...
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- "..to meet Bryn Fon, - who plays Tecs...
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- "..the wee little Wali guy - and Mr Picton, that's fine.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21- "But this is Mark's thing, OK? - We've got Everton Saturday week.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- "This is Mark's thing, - it's a Welsh thing, OK?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- "North Wales. But anyway...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- "It dinnae travel, that."
0:21:32 > 0:21:32- .
0:21:36 > 0:21:36- Subtitles
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- If I'm back in Wales...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45- ..especially in an area - where Welsh isn't spoken much...
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- ..I speak more polished Welsh to - avoid that tedious, stupid debate.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56- "If Welsh is so great, how come - there's no word for fibreglass?"
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- What's the English word - for baguette?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Or cafe or restaurant - or entrepreneur or sushi?
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- I speak more polished Welsh - to avoid that tedious argument.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- But the person on the other end - of the line will catch you out.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- I was on the phone with Mam.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- "Yes, the meat is out defrosting.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- "It's out. I've got it - in the refrigerator."
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- "In the refrigerator."
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- "Jesus, Mam, fridge."
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- "I know I don't say refrigerator, - but I'm on the bws slash bus."
0:22:35 > 0:22:36- "Casnewydd."
0:22:37 > 0:22:38- "Casnewydd."
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- "Newport, Mam. - Jesus, people are looking now.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- "The meat's in the fridge - and I'm on the bus in Newport.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- "I'll be home soon."
0:22:50 > 0:22:51- That was during the tour.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- After the Felinfach gig, - I got a tweet.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- I was mixing up - the Welsh for fridge and freezer.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- I got a tweet.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- "Hello, Elis, just a quick note.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- "Fridge is oergell, - rhewgell is freezer.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- "Don't twat it up on S4C."
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- So, I speak more polished Welsh - to avoid that argument.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30- I always ask for a Welsh form. - Someone somewhere is counting.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- I ask for a Welsh form.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- You have to translate everything, - that's accepted now.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- But the language translators use...
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- ..doesn't always reflect - what people speak on the street.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- "Dim ysmygu yn y fangre hon." - No smoking in these premises.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50- Fangre.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- I've never heard anyone - use the word fangre in conversation.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- I've never heard anyone say fangre.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- If anyone takes the piss - out of translators, I get defensive.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06- "Actually, I use the word fangre - all the time.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- "All I did today was walk - from one fangre to another.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- "I'm tired. Is it OK - to smoke in this fangre? No?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- "I'd better find - another fangre then."
0:24:18 > 0:24:23- I always ask for a Welsh form, - but you know, Welsh forms...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- I'm self-employed.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- I was at the HMRC in Llanishen.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- I went up to the counter.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- "I need the SA302 please, - but could I have the Welsh form?"
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- She said, "No problem."
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- I got the Welsh form - and went to the back.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- OK.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- A Welsh form.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56- "Gofynnir i chwi..."
0:24:57 > 0:24:58- Oh, for God's sake.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- "Hi, me again. - Have you got the English form?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- "I like - filling them both in for a laugh."
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Isy's learning Welsh, - and she has a good vocabulary.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- We're at the point where she has - to learn about Welsh culture...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- ..not just the language and words.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- I try to explain - the social aspects...
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- ..of growing up in Carmarthen - in the mid '90s...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- ..especially trying to meet girls.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- In 1996, I was 16.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- In 1997, obviously, I was 17.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- That's how age works.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- I was 16 for five years, actually.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- I was 16, 1996 to 1997, - trying to meet girls.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- But it was difficult because I went - to Ysgol Gyfun Bro Myrddin.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59- Fans in, yeah!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01- Oh, yeah.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03- Good exams.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06- Oh, yes.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Anyway, I went - to Ysgol Gyfun Bro Myrddin.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- The problem was, - the girls still remembered...
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- ..the embarrassing stuff I did - when I was back in Years 7 and 8.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- For example, I once pissed myself - on the way to Oakwood.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Sadly, 16 and 17-year-old girls - don't forget stuff like that.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- By the time I got to 16 or 17...
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- ..romantically, - I had become a toxic brand.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38- The girls at school - were out of the question.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- What about the girls - at the English school?
0:26:42 > 0:26:47- They thought I was a hambone, - even though I lived in town.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48- You can't win.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Carmarthen girls - were out of the question.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- How about Swansea girls?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- I was from a small town, - they were from a big city.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- They thought I was a hambone too.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- Dad had the same problem - in the '60s.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- "I was from Cross Hands and I'd go - to the Top Rank in Swansea.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13- "They thought I was a hambone - because I was from the Gwendraeth.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- "Even before I spoke a word.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- "I was like Martin Luther King.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24- "They judged him by the colour of - his skin and me by where I was from.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- "No, Dad, it's not the same thing - and it never was the same thing."
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Dad had the same problem in Swansea.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- He tried to offer advice.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- "Hey, do you want some advice - about what girls like?" "No, Dad."
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- "Two words - clog dancing."
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- "You'll be the king of the dance." - "I don't want to be, do I?"
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- So, Carmarthen and Swansea girls - were out of the question.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57- What about Aberystwyth girls? - Ysgol Gyfun Penweddig?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- Unfortunately, too glamorous.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01- Whoa!
0:28:03 > 0:28:08- Where did '90s Penweddig girls - get that confidence, that swagger?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Where did they get that swagger?
0:28:11 > 0:28:14- "Excuse m-me, p-perfect b-being?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19- "Where are you from?"
0:28:21 > 0:28:22- "Aberystwyth."
0:28:24 > 0:28:27- "Don't look at me, - don't look at me!"
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- Perfect being!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Aberystwyth girls - are out of the question.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37- How about closer to home? - The Gwendraeth and Llanelli.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40- Unfortunately, rough areas, OK?
0:28:43 > 0:28:47- I can say that because Mam-gu - lives there and Dad's from there.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50- I can say it. Sadly, rough areas.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- Maes yr Yrfa girls - always had hard brothers.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55- Hard brothers.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59- They looked after their sisters - at Maes yr Yrfa, oh yes.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02- Llanelli is a fairly tough town.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- But it's hard to feel afraid...
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- ..when the Llanelli accent - is so camp.
0:29:11 > 0:29:15- "If you've got something to say, - say it in my face."
0:29:15 > 0:29:16- What?
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- "If you've got something to say, - say it in my face."
0:29:21 > 0:29:22- Are you ill?
0:29:25 > 0:29:29- "Teleri, is he talking to you? - Is he talking to you?"
0:29:30 > 0:29:31- "Leave him, Iestyn.
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- "He's just a kid who pissed himself - on the way to Oakwood."
0:29:36 > 0:29:38- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, whoa!
0:29:38 > 0:29:41- How do you know? - "The Bro Myrddin girls said."
0:29:41 > 0:29:44- Oh, great. - No wonder I'm a toxic brand here.
0:29:45 > 0:29:49- What about the girls of Machynlleth, - Dolgellau and up?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52- Sadly, too many cultural problems.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- North Wales girls, - out of the question.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58- OK, closer to home again.
0:29:58 > 0:30:02- Ysgol Gyfun Preseli in Crymych - and Ysgol Gyfun Dyffryn Teifi.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05- One word - hambones.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09- Preseli girls, hambones.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- Dyffryn Teifi girls - - Through The Looking Glass hambones.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- Defcon milking.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28- The triple crown. Huge hands, - manure under their nails, ringworm.
0:30:30 > 0:30:31- Phwoar!
0:30:33 > 0:30:36- But I liked country girls.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39- Why would you want to eat - gravy and chips with a fork?
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- Why would you want to eat - gravy and chips with a fork?
0:30:43 > 0:30:46- Country girls don't, - they just shovel it in.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48- Shovel it in.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53- Gravy dripping off their fingers, - spraying everywhere.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54- "Can I get you a fork?"
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- "No. Who are you, Prince Charles? - Eating with a fork.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04- "Marged, Prince Charles is here, - eating with a fork.
0:31:06 > 0:31:09- "Or he's from the House of Lords."
0:31:09 > 0:31:12- I liked country girls.
0:31:13 > 0:31:17- If you were from somewhere - like Crymych or Llandysul...
0:31:17 > 0:31:21- ..Carmarthen is the big city.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25- If you want to buy something - that Londis doesn't sell...
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- ..you have to come to Carmarthen.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34- I was like Jacob Rees-Mogg compared - to the boys these girls knew.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40- "Look, Marged - - he's got a Boots Advantage card!
0:31:42 > 0:31:44- "He smells nice.
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- "He can walk to the Body Shop. - He's from Carmarthen."
0:31:49 > 0:31:54- Urbane, liberal sophisticate, - metropolitan, from Carmarthen.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59- I looked too young - to go out in Carmarthen.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- I was a late developer.
0:32:03 > 0:32:08- I went to Cymdeithas yr Iaith gigs, - where they would serve anyone.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- Thank heavens - for Cymdeithas yr Iaith gigs.
0:32:12 > 0:32:17- The problem was, those gigs - aren't your usual nights out.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20- The atmosphere is more political.
0:32:20 > 0:32:24- There you are, 16 years old, - trying your best to meet girls...
0:32:25 > 0:32:29- ..dancing to some reggae band - from Anglesey.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40- In the 1990s, the world's reggae - hotspots were Jamaica and Anglesey.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41- How did that happen?
0:32:42 > 0:32:45- That's all there was, - reggae bands from Anglesey.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48- Anyway, you go up to a girl.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49- "Hello.
0:32:49 > 0:32:54- "D-d-do you want to discuss - the property act?"
0:32:55 > 0:32:57- "Shit, you do? Oh, OK."
0:32:59 > 0:33:01- "Oh, the property act?
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- "Well, high time, if you ask me."
0:33:06 > 0:33:10- Country girls were a real tonic - at a Cymdeithas yr Iaith gig.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14- "Do you want to discuss - the property act?" "No." Great!
0:33:14 > 0:33:16- "I'm like a cow on heat."
0:33:16 > 0:33:18- Buwch yn wasod - a cow on heat.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23- I also went to Maes B.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25- I enjoyed Maes B, actually.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28- But I've never liked the Eisteddfod.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32- Growing up, I thought - that the Urdd was for swots...
0:33:32 > 0:33:36- ..and that the National - was a bit lame, to be honest.
0:33:37 > 0:33:38- Wow!
0:33:45 > 0:33:47- The atmosphere has turned!
0:33:50 > 0:33:51- My God!
0:33:53 > 0:33:55- I thought I was in the majority...
0:33:55 > 0:34:01- ..but I'm in front of 150 fervent - Cardiffian eisteddfod fanatics.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05- One thing I had noticed...
0:34:06 > 0:34:11- My sisters loved an eisteddfod...
0:34:11 > 0:34:13- ..and they're over there.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- Keen eisteddfod-goers.
0:34:20 > 0:34:21- But I never liked it.
0:34:21 > 0:34:25- Mam and Dad would drag me - to watch Carys and Nia performing.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32- It has nurtured - a performing style...
0:34:32 > 0:34:37- ..that's unique - to the eisteddfod stage.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40- You all know what I mean.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- There's no English equivalent, - certainly not a Hollywood one.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- It's perfect to watch on mute.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55- You always know what's going on.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59- The one I could never believe...
0:34:59 > 0:35:01- ..was the action song.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03- As a young lad, it went through me.
0:35:04 > 0:35:10- Who asked these children - to discuss such heavy subjects?
0:35:11 > 0:35:13- The action song had heavy subjects.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- Carys and Nia finish, - and a new school comes on.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23- "Marged?" "Yes?" "Are you on the way - to have an abortion?" "No!"
0:35:27 > 0:35:31- # Because I use birth control, - birth control
0:35:32 > 0:35:34- # The pill, the pill, condoms
0:35:34 > 0:35:36- # Birth control, birth control
0:35:37 > 0:35:41- # No need for abortions, - I use birth control #
0:35:50 > 0:35:54- Then, lights down, - spotlight on a young lad.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01- # Farmer's son - says goodbye to the land
0:36:01 > 0:36:04- # Now I'm sniffing glue
0:36:06 > 0:36:08- # Now I'm sniffing glue
0:36:08 > 0:36:11- # Goodbye to the land, sniffing glue
0:36:11 > 0:36:13- # Now I'm sniffing glue
0:36:13 > 0:36:19- # Life's in ruins, life's in ruins, - my life's in ruins, in ruins
0:36:19 > 0:36:21- # Your life's in ruins
0:36:21 > 0:36:23- # Angel, devil, angel, devil #
0:36:24 > 0:36:28- Lights out. Spotlight, same lad, - his voice has broken.
0:36:29 > 0:36:35- "Oh, Dylan, don't sniff glue - or your life will be in ruins."
0:36:36 > 0:36:37- "Oh, no, God's voice!"
0:36:43 > 0:36:45- What I couldn't understand...
0:36:45 > 0:36:50- I couldn't get to terms with - the talent that came through.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54- Rhys Ifans started at eisteddfodau, - as did Ioan Gruffudd.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58- Did they have to unlearn everything?
0:37:00 > 0:37:03- Forget everything - they'd been taught...
0:37:05 > 0:37:07- ..at eisteddfodau?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10- Ioan Gruffudd's big break - was Titanic.
0:37:10 > 0:37:14- At the end of the film, - we've all seen him in the lifeboat.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16- But he was eisteddfod-trained.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19- I've been trying to work out...
0:37:19 > 0:37:24- ..how he went from there - to a major Hollywood film.
0:37:24 > 0:37:26- I think it happened like this.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30- "OK, Titanic, scene 158.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33- "Take one, camera speed.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36- "And action."
0:37:37 > 0:37:39- "Emergency, emergency!
0:37:40 > 0:37:44- "Emergency, come to the lifeboat...
0:37:44 > 0:37:49- "..or you will drown, drown, drown, - drown, drown, drown, drown, drown."
0:37:49 > 0:37:51- "OK, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54- "Cut, cut, cut.
0:37:55 > 0:37:56- "Cut.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- "Everyone else can get a coffee.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- "Hold the roll. Ioan?
0:38:04 > 0:38:06- "Ioan?
0:38:06 > 0:38:08- "Yes, James, how was it?"
0:38:12 > 0:38:14- "Ioan, um...
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- "We've got high hopes for you, Ioan.
0:38:18 > 0:38:21- "You're talented, - a good-looking guy.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23- "But the whole, um...
0:38:24 > 0:38:26- "..drown, drown, drown, drown.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31- "Can I ask a question? Did you do - much eisteddfod while growing up?"
0:38:31 > 0:38:34- "Yes, I was a big eisteddfod-goer."
0:38:34 > 0:38:40- "Right, OK, OK. Are we talking - cylch, sir, rhagbrofion?
0:38:41 > 0:38:45- "How deep does this go?"
0:38:48 > 0:38:51- "Yes, all of them."
0:38:51 > 0:38:53- "Did you get llwyfan on the maes?"
0:38:53 > 0:38:54- "Yes, I did."
0:38:55 > 0:38:58- "OK, so you got llwyfan on the maes.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- "Did you go to Glanaethwy?" - "No, no, no." "OK, OK."
0:39:04 > 0:39:06- "Then we have progress"
0:39:08 > 0:39:08- .
0:39:12 > 0:39:12- Subtitles
0:39:12 > 0:39:14- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:39:15 > 0:39:18- As I get older, - I'm turning into my father.
0:39:18 > 0:39:22- But there are still - some big differences between us.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26- For example, - Dad is completely obsessed...
0:39:26 > 0:39:28- ..with the immersion heater.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33- If I'm a bit cold when I go home, - I'll say, "Is the heating on?"
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- "Of course it is. It's January."
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- I look at the thermostat - and it's on 13.
0:39:40 > 0:39:44- "Dad, you could store meat - by the TV. What's wrong with you?"
0:39:45 > 0:39:47- "If you're cold, - wear another jumper."
0:39:47 > 0:39:49- Another. A second jumper.
0:39:49 > 0:39:54- "You've gone soft in London. - Us Welsh don't feel the cold."
0:39:54 > 0:39:58- So, Dad's obsessed - with the immersion heater.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03- If you want a bath in our house, - you have to switch the hot water on.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08- We were there over Christmas, - me, Isy and Beti.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11- Isy wanted a bath - and Mam said, "Of course, Isy."
0:40:11 > 0:40:15- "Switch the immersion on - for an hour." An hour.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17- "Half an hour, Nesta, half an hour.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20- "Half an hour - has always been enough.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23- "You've lived here for 30 years.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25- "Half an hour has always been OK."
0:40:25 > 0:40:28- Isy switched it on for an hour...
0:40:28 > 0:40:32- ..then she did something - I've never seen before.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34- She went to bed - without having a bath.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37- Yes, whoa!
0:40:37 > 0:40:42- "Merry Christmas, I'm going to bed. - Beti's up early. Goodnight."
0:40:42 > 0:40:44- Dad was like this.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- "Going to bed? So soon?
0:40:50 > 0:40:52- "So soon, Isy?"
0:40:52 > 0:40:55- "Yes, I'm a bit tired, - it's been a long day."
0:40:55 > 0:40:57- "Yes, OK, it's just...
0:40:58 > 0:41:02- "..the immersion's been on - for 58 minutes and 13 seconds."
0:41:02 > 0:41:04- Dad's got a stopwatch.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- "I'm going to bed, Eurfyl."
0:41:06 > 0:41:09- "OK, you go to bed, goodnight."
0:41:10 > 0:41:11- "Goodnight."
0:41:12 > 0:41:16- Once Isy's in bed, - "OK, who wants a bath?"
0:41:17 > 0:41:21- "Nesta?" "It's too late for me." - "Carys? Nia?" "Too late." "Elis?"
0:41:22 > 0:41:23- "No, I'm going to bed."
0:41:23 > 0:41:27- On the phone, Dewi next door. - "Hey, Dewi, Eurfyl here.
0:41:28 > 0:41:30- "Listen, do you want a bath?
0:41:31 > 0:41:33- "Not with me, no, just in my house."
0:41:35 > 0:41:39- "You can't offer Dewi a bath. - He'll think we think he smells."
0:41:40 > 0:41:44- Another one of Dad's things - happens on Boxing Day.
0:41:44 > 0:41:50- "Isy, would you like to come into - the garden to see the septic tank?"
0:41:50 > 0:41:51- To see the septic tank!
0:41:53 > 0:41:55- To see the septic tank!
0:41:55 > 0:41:58- "I remember, last year, - you didn't have time."
0:41:59 > 0:42:04- That was it, poor thing, - no time to see the septic tank.
0:42:04 > 0:42:09- "Nesta tells me you're here 'til - Wednesday to that's plenty of time.
0:42:09 > 0:42:13- "In London, you'll have - the benefits of mains sewage.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17- "But we're a couple of miles - out of town...
0:42:17 > 0:42:21- "..so all the family waste - is fed into the septic tank."
0:42:22 > 0:42:25- "Don't open it. - What's wrong with you?"
0:42:26 > 0:42:29- Us Welsh don't mind - making fun of ourselves.
0:42:30 > 0:42:35- But we get a bit defensive - if anyone else does it.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37- Someone once said to me...
0:42:37 > 0:42:41- .."I went - to Carmarthen leisure centre.
0:42:41 > 0:42:46- "I was actually a bit disappointed - that there was no wave machine."
0:42:50 > 0:42:51- Fuck you!
0:43:00 > 0:43:04- "I'm sorry my wave machine-less - swimming pool didn't suffice."
0:43:04 > 0:43:06- "There weren't even any slides."
0:43:07 > 0:43:10- "You don't like my wave machine-less - swimming pool...
0:43:10 > 0:43:12- "..and I don't like your Queen."
0:43:14 > 0:43:16- Someone else said to me...
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- .."I went to a wedding - in Newcastle Emlyn."
0:43:19 > 0:43:22- "That's my neck of the woods, - kind of."
0:43:22 > 0:43:25- "Very, very difficult - to get a taxi after midnight."
0:43:26 > 0:43:28- Of course it's difficult.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31- Only a thousand people live there!
0:43:32 > 0:43:35- Local people plan ahead!
0:43:38 > 0:43:41- If you'd asked, - I'd have given you a lift.
0:43:41 > 0:43:45- And if I was busy, Mam or Dad - would have given you a lift.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48- Dad would have offered you a bath.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56- Unless Dewi next door - hadn't used all the hot water.
0:43:56 > 0:44:00- "Another lovely bath, Eurfyl."
0:44:01 > 0:44:04- But we don't make things easy - for ourselves.
0:44:04 > 0:44:10- I'm a big fan of Take Me Out - on ITV on a Saturday night.
0:44:10 > 0:44:12- A big fan of Take Me Out.
0:44:12 > 0:44:17- If you haven't seen it, - you have 30 single women...
0:44:18 > 0:44:19- ..and one single bloke.
0:44:19 > 0:44:23- The women keep their light on - if they like the look of him...
0:44:23 > 0:44:26- ..and switch it off if they don't.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29- There's an odd noise - when the light goes out.
0:44:30 > 0:44:35- Now, West Wales - is over-represented on Take Me Out.
0:44:35 > 0:44:41- I've seen many from Carmarthenshire, - Ceredigion and north Pembrokeshire.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43- Statistically, that's too many.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47- Too many hambones - have been on Take Me Out.
0:44:47 > 0:44:51- Every time, they come down - the love lift to meet the girls.
0:44:51 > 0:44:55- English blokes always come down - to R&B, dancing sexily.
0:44:56 > 0:45:00- The hambones either come down - to the national anthem...
0:45:00 > 0:45:02- ..or Dafydd Iwan, Yma O Hyd.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05- Down they come, Dafydd Iwan singing.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08- Paddy goes, - "Single man, reveal yourself."
0:45:08 > 0:45:12- Whoever it is, he'll introduce - the ITV1 viewers...
0:45:12 > 0:45:15- ..to an accent - they haven't heard before.
0:45:17 > 0:45:22- A Westwalian hambone speaking - English, maybe for the first time.
0:45:25 > 0:45:29- Paddy McGuinness, - "Single man, reveal yourself."
0:45:29 > 0:45:31- "Hello, ladies!
0:45:35 > 0:45:40- "Can I just say that you're all - looking absolutely beautiful?
0:45:40 > 0:45:44- "My name is Elgan and I'm - a dairy farmer from Ffostrasol."
0:45:45 > 0:45:47- RAPID BEEPS
0:45:50 > 0:45:54- Some girls switch their lights - back on just to turn them off again.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56- Enter Paddy McGuinness.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59- "Right, Elgan, from Ffostrasol.
0:45:59 > 0:46:03- "You've got 28 lights went off. - How does that make you feel?
0:46:03 > 0:46:07- "Demoralized, Paddy. - Very, very demoralizing.
0:46:07 > 0:46:12- "Disappointing. I've been wronged.
0:46:13 > 0:46:17- "But I'm only here - to put Ffostrasol on the map.
0:46:21 > 0:46:26- "To show there's more to Ffostrasol - than the Cnapan folk festival."
0:46:27 > 0:46:30- Two girls still had - their lights on at the end.
0:46:31 > 0:46:35- That's when the man - can ask the girls a question.
0:46:36 > 0:46:37- There he was, two girls.
0:46:37 > 0:46:42- Maybe he'll get to go - on a date to Fernando's...
0:46:43 > 0:46:45- ..with one of these pretty girls.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49- "OK, Elgan from Ffostrasol, - two lights left.
0:46:49 > 0:46:53- "For the holiday of a lifetime - to the Isle of Fernando's...
0:46:54 > 0:46:58- "..what do you want to ask - the two lovely ladies left?"
0:46:58 > 0:46:59- "Ladies!
0:47:03 > 0:47:05- "Quick question, ladies.
0:47:05 > 0:47:09- "When you are eating - gravy and chips...
0:47:11 > 0:47:16- "..do you do it a, with a fork - or b, without a fork?"
0:47:18 > 0:47:21- "With a fork." "Goodbye, ladies."
0:47:28 > 0:47:33- Thanks for your patience. - My name is Elis James. Goodnight.
0:47:54 > 0:47:56- S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.
0:47:56 > 0:47:56- .