0:00:00 > 0:00:00- Subtitles
0:00:00 > 0:00:02- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26- Welcome to Gwerthu Allan - from the Richard Burton Theatre.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28- We have a feast of comedy in store.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- The first act's first job...
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- ..was as a fire marshall - on the TV drama Hinterland.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- Just imagine - if she hadn't - done her job correctly...
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- ..maybe something exciting - might have happened on that series!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- Come on, we've all thought it! - Please welcome Sarah Breese.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Hello. Are you alright?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Yes!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- I'll move that out of the way...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- ..because my mother - doesn't know what I do.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08- I don't want her to see me - with a pole and be disappointed.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Strippers are paid - much more than me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- I'm afraid of strippers, - to be honest.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- The thing is, dressing - is difficult enough as it is.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24- These people find it so easy - they do it backwards to show off.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- Bra straps looks fiddly. - "Ooh, not for me." Ping!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- If I tried to do that...
0:01:32 > 0:01:38- ..all I'd do is find all the food - that I'd lost throughout the day.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Half a chicken nugget! Ping!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Dinner and a show!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Anyway, so, hello. My name is Sarah.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- I'm a 30-year-old woman from Wales.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Unless you're - an archaeologist from the future...
0:01:54 > 0:01:59- ..in which case - I'm an 11-year-old boy from Primark.
0:02:00 > 0:02:06- That can be awkward, especially if - I'm speaking to a nice guy in a bar.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- He's thinking, 'Is she attractive - or do I have a problem?'
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Very tricky.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17- I grew up on a farm.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21- I left when I was... fat enough.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25- That's how farms generally work.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- It was really nice...
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- ..but living there - was frustrating at times.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- It was a bit claustrophobic.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Growing up, I had to share a bedroom - with my sister...
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- ..until I was 18 years old, - so when I moved away...
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- ..it was nice having my own space.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- But I came home one weekend - to see Mam and she said...
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- .."It's nice having you home. - I've bought you a present."
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- I was like, - "That's cool, what is it?"
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- She said, "It's a gift - for you and your sister."
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- I said, "OK."
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- She said, "I've bought a grave."
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- "I've bought a joint grave."
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- You know - when someone buys you a gift...
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- ..and you - don't want to look ungrateful?
0:03:20 > 0:03:25- Try and do that when someone - buys you a hole in the ground.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- It wasn't even an entire hole, - it was half a hole.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Who knows if my brother's - meant to be in it too?
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- I'm not having that. I've - smelt his bedroom when he's alive!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- My sister's - started to get nervous...
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- ..because she knows I'll do anything - to get the top bunk.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49- That's justified.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- I've moved to Cardiff, - which is OK, but I live alone.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- I do sometimes - leave the toilet seat up...
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- ..so that in the future - I can feel angry rather than lonely.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- So that's OK.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- I've just turned 30 and - I thought it's about time I grew up.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14- I know I drink too much.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- I went out for my birthday last week - and I drank so much...
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- ..I woke up the following morning - with such a bad hangover...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- ..I made this noise - that was in three movements.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Join in if you know the words.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- I woke up making a noise like this.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- EXHALES
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- GROANS
0:04:39 > 0:04:40- SOBS
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- When I looked down, - all I was wearing...
0:04:47 > 0:04:52- ..was one sock, an iPhone charger...
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- ..and half a kebab.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58- That was a bit a of a shock because - I remember eating all of that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Awful!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- I don't remember what exactly - I wanted to be, growing up.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- It was a bit of a shock - when I turned out to be a woman.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- I didn't expect it because when I - was small people called me a tomboy.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- For some reason I needed a title...
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- ..to do some male activities - without people feeling uneasy.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- They were like, - "Don't worry, you're the tomboy."
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- And then the town mayor turns up...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- ..and you get the dick to the city.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Everything's fine.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- I used to play football.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- Not rugby. I'm not sure - why rugby is the national game.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- There's one thing you learn, living - on a farm - never kick an egg.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- I played football, - there were no girls' teams...
0:05:55 > 0:06:01- ..so I played on the boys' team - or 'the team' as we called it.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- It was great until the manager - came up to me one day and said...
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- .."Just so you know, Sarah, - you're off the team."
0:06:09 > 0:06:10- I said, "Why?"
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- He said, "I don't think it's fair - for girls to play with boys."
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- I still didn't understand.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- He said, "You know sometimes - you get a high ball...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- "..and you have to stop it - with your chest?"
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- I said, "Yes, I'm good at that."
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- He said, "Yes, Sarah, but - when you do it, it stays there."
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- I'm not sure - I'm qualified to be a woman.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- But there is one thing - - we do have women's exams.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Men, a trip to the gynaecologist...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- ..is like all your dreams come true.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- If your dreams - include being naked in public...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- ..before an exam - you haven't revised for.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06- It's hard to know what to talk about - at the gynaecologist's.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- It's like - going to the hairdresser's.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- Some subjects - are better than others.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- It's fine to ask the gynaecologist - if he's been on holiday.
0:07:15 > 0:07:21- That's fine, but asking them to hold - up a mirror to see it from the back?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- That's not fine, apparently.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- They examine your...
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- I'm very shy, - I don't know what to call it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Some women call theirs after fruit.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Cherry or flower.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- I'm not sure that's right, - to be honest.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- It's not as delicate as that.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- It should at least be - some sort of vegetable...
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- ..or something that needs ploughing.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- I've come up with a compromise.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Mine's a cauliflower.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- If you've ever watched boxing...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- ..then you'll know why.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Another thing about being a woman...
0:08:14 > 0:08:19- ..it doesn't help that we have a - reputation for being so mysterious.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- When I try to do mysterious - it's more suspect, you know?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Like gone-off milk.
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- The one thing I've learnt is that - if we're being mysterious...
0:08:30 > 0:08:35- ..guys, here's a little secret, - we've done something embarrassing.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- You know if we're - taking too long in the bathroom...
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- ..perhaps we've forgotten - to check for toilet paper.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- Guys, it's OK for you, - you can just shake.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- It takes a lot longer - to shake that part of ourselves.
0:08:50 > 0:08:55- Chances are we're in there doing - a rendition of the Flappy Haka.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- Disgusting! And don't ask - how we discovered twerking.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- It's horrible.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15- Even at 30 years of age, there's - still one thing I don't understand.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Is everyone here - familiar with dickpics?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- He's not a character on Pobol y Cwm.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- It's when a man - takes a photo of his vegetable...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- ..and sends it to you...
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- ..like a game of genital top trumps.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- It happened to me - for the first time fairly recently.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- I didn't know the person who sent it - very well.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- I really thought it was a mistake.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48- I thought, - "That's an awful mistake to make...
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- "..whilst trying - to take a selfie, isn't it?"
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- There's a camera each side.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- He might've looked down and thought, - "My thumb was over the lens.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- "Oh, that wasn't my thumb."
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- "Oh, shit! Unsend!"
0:10:03 > 0:10:05- It doesn't happen to women.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- But perhaps with men - it can sometimes fall out.
0:10:09 > 0:10:14- If it happens at the wrong time, - then that can be awful.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- This isn't a recent problem either.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- When they completed the statue - of Michelangelo's David...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- ..maybe the model - looked down and said...
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- .."Guys, was my dick out - the whole time?"
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Oh, my goodness!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- It's awful.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- You can never do these things - anonymously either.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- Wales is a small country - I know - that now, I've seen the evidence.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- After the first one I thought - it might've been a mistake.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- But after the 15th - I thought, no, this is a problem.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- To solve the problem I've written - a list of my favourite answers...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- ..in case it happens again.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- I've prepared four of them, - which I'll share with you now.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13- So if this happens again in future, - my first one is...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- .."Thank you. What's this?"
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- The second one is, - "Where are you? It looks cold."
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- The third one is, "My auntie - had one of those on her neck.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- "They had to burn it off."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- And the final one, my favourite...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- .."Oops, I think - that was meant for your wife.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- "Don't worry, - I've passed it on to her."
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- I hope that'll help.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- You've been lovely. Thank you. - I've been Sarah Breese.
0:11:58 > 0:11:58- .
0:12:01 > 0:12:01- *
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Hello.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- The next act - has performed all over the world...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- ..in recent years.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Australia, Singapore, Hong Kong.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- I think she's only doing this gig - for the air miles.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Please give a warm welcome - to Jenny Collier.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Hello!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- Thank you very much for having me.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- I live in London now - but I don't feel too Londony...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- ..because I still have manners.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- I used to work in a bathroom - showroom in Knightsbridge.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- It was an extremely posh shop. - Really fancy.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- To give you an idea, - the bog brush holders they sold...
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- ..cost 900.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- 900...
0:13:05 > 0:13:10- ..for something in which you're just - going to be making weak poo tea.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- We also stocked taps - which cost 12,000.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- 12k for one tap that - didn't even say hot or cold on it!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Every customer was uber posh.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- One woman came in and said...
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- .."I've got this thing where - you flick a switch in the hall...
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- "..and it makes a hologram of - a butterfly flap along beside you."
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- Are you shitting me?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- I didn't say that, I said...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- .."Oh, my God, samesies!"
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- But mine is slightly different.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- With mine, you turn on the light - and the mouse scatter.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11- I also used to work - at a fertility clinic.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- People used to say...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- .."Does working here...
0:14:17 > 0:14:22- "..make you want to, you know, - have a baby of your own?"
0:14:22 > 0:14:27- I'd say, "No, that's like saying to - someone who works in a shoe shop...
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- .."Does working here - make you want to, you know...
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- "..force a shoe - through your cervix?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- No, thank you.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- But it's not a healthy place - for a 29-year-old woman to work...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- ..because a lot of couples - would come in...
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- ..who were devoted to each other.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- They'd say, "Hi, we're - having trouble having a baby."
0:14:53 > 0:14:58- I'd say, "Yes, I'm having trouble - coming to terms with the fact...
0:14:58 > 0:15:02- "..that my phone's screensaver - is a photo of my parents' dog."
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Or they'd come in and say...
0:15:06 > 0:15:11- .."We've had five failed pregnancy - tests in the past six months."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- I'd be like, "That's a shame."
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- But what I hear...
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- ..is that you've had sex five times - in the past six months.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22- More than me.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- But on the plus side, there was - a blood pressure monitor...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- ..that I used to use - almost every day...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- ..because it felt like a little hug.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- These days I've quit my day jobs.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- I spend - a lot of time by myself at home.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- My next-door neighbour - is learning to play the trumpet...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- ..but he can't play tunes yet.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- He just plays one melancholy note - every now and again.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Because I spend - my entire time there...
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- ..with every move I make - I just feel like a sad elephant.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- I fold clothes to melancholy notes.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- I often mention in my set - that I'm single and lonely...
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- ..and quite often men come up to me - at the end of the show and say...
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- .."So you're looking for a man? Come - on then, I'll take your number."
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- So I just want to say - at this point...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- ..just to prevent any humiliation...
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- ..it's 0-7-7-8-9-6-7-8-9-5.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- No-one writing it down. Thanks!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- I have a couple of theories - why I'm single.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Firstly, - I think I sometimes share too much.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- For example, on a first date - I might go to the bathroom...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08- ..and then come back and say...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- .."Sorry I took so long, - there was a queue...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- "..in my bowels."
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Sometimes I'll just - cut out the middle man and say...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22- # Dropped a dress size #
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- I'm just not very feminine...
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- ..even if I'm - just going for a slash.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- I'll say, "Where's the shitter?"
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- And he'll be like, "What?"
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Then I say, - "Sorry, where's the ladies'...
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- "..shitter?"
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Maybe another reason - for my singledom...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- ..is down to the fact - that the only bras that fit me...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- ..have Disney characters on them.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- When I wear an adult's bra...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- ..or lingerie...
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- ..I just look as though I'm wearing - some kind of grand waistcoat.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Let me - just talk you through my bra size.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- 36AA.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Thank you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- 36 is the circumference - of your back.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- 36 is the largest you can get - for my cup size.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- That means I have a big back.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- Big back!
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- There's more action going on - in the back than in the front.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- And the cup size is the letter.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- A double-D - means a little bigger than a D.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- A double-G - means a little bigger than a G.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- But a double-A...
0:18:56 > 0:18:57- She knows.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Double-A is the only one...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- ..where double means smaller.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- Think about an A cup size - and then take a little away.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Flat? No, flatter than flat.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- The concave twins.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- You can't motorboat these.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- A more appropriate verb - would be rafting.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- I said to my last boyfriend...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- .."If I were an animal, - what would I be?"
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- He said, "You'd be a Labrador."
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- I said, "Ohhh!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- "Because I'm your best friend, - I'm faithful...
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- "..you think I'm cute - and full of energy?"
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- And he said, "No, it's because - you stare at my food...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- .."until I share it with you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- "And sometimes, - you fart yourself awake."
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- So I pissed in his trainers - and went for a walk!
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- I'm just joking, - I've never had a boyfriend.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- I dated someone last year - but it was strange...
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- ..because he refused to fart - in front of me.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- I fart in front of people. - It's natural.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- I think one of - the worst things you can do...
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- ..if you fart in front of someone - is not to say anything at all...
0:20:43 > 0:20:48- ..because then it looks like - you're unaware that you've done it.
0:20:49 > 0:20:54- As if you have a bum like a - big windsock that's out of control.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- I do a lot of tricks - to show that a fart is on its way...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- ..and that I'm cool with it.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Feel free - to take these tricks away with you.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- I'm not wafting, by the way!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- Is everyone familiar with - "Pull my finger?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- Anyone who isn't...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- ..when you have a guff in the bay...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- ..also a poem by Dylan Thomas...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- ..and you offer your finger - to a friend and they pull it...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- ..then they deploy it - on your behalf.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- But I think I do Pull My Finger - a bit too often.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- I was at a summer festival...
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- ..and I was on the floor and - two of my friends helped me up...
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- ..by pulling my arms - and I almost shit myself.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- So you have to be careful.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Another you can do...
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- ..is the old, "What's that noise?"
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- And then wait - until everyone's silent...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- ..before farting.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Or you can pretend to sneeze.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Instead of sneezing, you fart.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- There's one more you can do...
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- ..but it's important the weather - is conducive for this one.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31- You know when there's - an electric storm with lightning...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- ..and everyone counts...
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- ..to see how far away the storm is?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- So everyone's like, - one, two, three...
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- ..and you fart.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- It's in the next village!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- You've been lovely. - Thank you very much. Goodbye!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.
0:23:18 > 0:23:18- .